All language subtitles for Horrible Histories S05E11 Episode 11 1080p NF WEB-DL DDP2 0 x264-alfaHD_track4_[eng]

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪

♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights
Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪

♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪

♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime
Punishments from ancient times ♪

♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪

♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages
Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪

♪ Gory Stories we do that
And your host a talking rat ♪

♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪

♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories ♪

[narrator] Vile Victorians.

[lip synching police vehicle siren]

Sergeant Bones,
Historical Road Traffic Accident Squad.

I got demoted, I don't wanna
talk about it. Major cycling incident,

two people involved.

I'm talking into a tape recorder, so
it doesn't look like I'm talking to self.

[groans] I say.

It's pretty obvious what happened here,
your two bicycles crashed into each other.

Two bicycles, no, no,
we were on a velocipede.

You were riding together on one bike,
but there's four wheels.

A velocipede has four wheels.

I was on the passenger seat at the front.

Oh yes I see, there are two seats here,
hang on a minute, what's this?

The drawing board.

We hired it from Crystal Palace,

they're all fitted
with drawing boards there.

She's good at it, aren't you dear?

Oh, Arthur.

And quick, by the look of it.

Hold on, there's an umbrella here.

You've clearly hit a pedestrian?

No, that was the parasol,
you can't carry an umbrella on a bicycle.

You mean, it's fitted with a sunshade.

-Of course!
-We don't wanna get sunburned, do we?

Uh-huh. Foul play, just as I suspected.

Your velocipede has had
its brakes removed.

-Velocipedes don't have brakes.
-What!

To stop them you have to
jump off and run alongside.

Crashing it into a tree
does pretty much the same job, though.

You mean to tell me you ride around
on this thing with four wheels, two seats,

a drawing board
and a sunshade, but no brakes?

Why, yes.

Note to self. I quit.

That's it, I'm gonna write that novel.

In Victorian times,
jobs could also be very dangerous,

especially in the coal mines,
and that wasn't just for the miners.

Happy birthday, Lilly.

[gasps] Just what I always wanted.

♪ My Little Pit Pony! ♪

[narrator woman]
My Little Pit Pony fits perfectly

in the coal mine tunnel.

In fact, she fits so perfectly
that she can't even turn around.

But she doesn't know,
she's got a big leather hat on

that only let's her see straight ahead.

♪ My Little Pit Pony! ♪

Careful Lilly, you don't want your
My Little Pit Pony

to get hurt in a rock fall
or an explosion in the mine.

Don't be silly mummy,

it's just what happens to pit ponies.

[narrator woman] My Little Pit Pony
comes in all colours,

black, grey and blacky grey.

Mummy, can I have a pink one?

Well, that is a pink one,
underneath all the coaly muck.

[narrator woman] My Little Pit Pony
mine tunnel is sold separately

and comes with channels
in the floor for My Little Pit Pony's feet

and a groove in the ceiling
for My Little Pit Pony's head.

I love you, My Little Pit Pony.

[narrator] Buy now, while pony's last.

[narrator] Awful Egyptians.

In ancient Egypt, we took
great care in preparing the dead

for their journey to the afterlife,

so there was a lot to do
when organising a funeral.

[narrator woman] This week
on Don't tell the Corpse

we meet Fadil,
who's been given the challenge of planning the funeral
of his wife's relative.

But does she think
he'll be able to pull it off? [Fadil's wife] I do hope Fadil
thinks of everything

for my uncle Amon's journey
into the afterlife.

But, he didn't like my uncle much.

Actually, if I'm honest, nobody liked him.

[narrator woman] With no previous
experience of organising funerals,

Fadil has enlisted the help of ancient
Egyptian funeral planner, Tutmose.

And, if it's mummification you're after,
we've processes to suit everybody.

At the top end, you can have
the deceased intestines

removed by a professional embalmer.

At the bottom end, so to speak,

we can dissolve their guts
with the injection of cedar oil,

you know, right up the--

Thank you, I'd worked that out already.

I think we'll go
with the professional embalmer.

Excellent choice. Sorry.

I don't know
why I'm saying sorry, he's dead.

[narrator woman] Fadil has nearly blown
all his budget on embalming,

and there's still loads to sort out.

Oh no, uncle Amon. Who's gonna
be there for me? [cries]

There, there love, don't, don't cry.

-It's gonna be alright.
-That'll do beset.

-Huh?
-She's one of our professional moaners.

You can hire them for the funeral.

Uncle Amon, bring him back.

Well, she certainly is very convincing.

Our professional mourners

can make even the most loathsome
individuals seem popular.

-I'll take half a dozen.
-Good choice.

[narrator woman] With the congregation
hired, Fadil must now buy items

to put in uncle Amon's tomb
for his journey to the afterlife.

Now, what do you get
for the corpse who's got everything?

I bet he hasn't got one of these?

He wasn't a child,
she'll kill me if I buy him a toy.

This is no toy.

This is the very latest
in underworld transport.

In the afterlife,
it turns into a full-sized boat

and these model slaves become
real slaves to do the hard work for you.

Wow, I'll take it.
Right, that's that sorted.

And the journey is a long one,
he'll be needing some food.

This mummified meat
comes in its own coffin.

-Oh, alright, but that's definitely it.
-Wax hair gel.

Especially made for mummies.

The afterlife is forever,
you want your uncle to look his best.

I didn't actually like him that much,

-but, you know.
-Mummified cat, they're very popular.

Ushabtiu dolls.
Musical instruments, magical bricks.

[narrator woman] Finally,
it's the day of the funeral. But, will Fadil's wife
approve of his choices?

And will her unpopular uncle
get the send off he deserves?

That Fadil, you've
actually done a great job.

To think, I thought
uncle Amon was really unpopular.

This is his burial chamber.

Uncle Amon had a massive ornate
burial tomb made for himself over there.

We're going the wrong way?

Oh no, there's been
a slight change of plan.

You see, I rather like
the look of uncle Amon's tomb,

so I thought we'd move him
to this smaller underground hole

and then we can have his one when we die.

-[crowd mourning]
-[woman] Uncle Amon! [cries]

If we steal his tomb,
won't all his friends be furious?

Oh no, no, that's not a problem,
no, watch this.

Okay, thanks very much everyone,
you can go now. All the best.

Oh, right, I see, well, in that case
let's bung him in the hole.

[Fadil laughs]

Oh.

[both grunting]

Much of what we know
about the ancient Egyptians

comes from their tombs and temples,

and from the complicated
hieroglyphic writing on the walls.

[narrator] Hieroglabble,

it's the great new hieroglyph based
word game for all the family.

-Your go.
-I can't go.

-Why not?
-I can't read hieroglyphs.

Me neither, and neither can virtually
anyone else in ancient Egypt.

[narrator] Hieroglabble,
it's ancient Egyptian word game

for virtually no one
except the priesthood,

because they're the only people
who can understand it.

Your go.

Oh. Owl,

lion, basket,

horned viper. 24 points, please.

You can't just go chucking any picture
down just because it's sounds like a word.

Have you not read the rules?

[narrator] Warning,
rules will take years to learn.

I've done nothing but learn
hieroglyphics since the age of five

and I end up playing with you.
You're a waste of time, you, shove off.

[narrator] And coming soon,
new Advanced Hieroglabble,

with all the glyphs
from the later Greco Roman period.

Meaning you can play
with around 5000 different tiles!

We're gonna need a bigger board.

[narrator] Hieroglabble,
the new game from Nile Valley

that almost no-one can play.

[narrator] Rotten Romans.

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ They're funny cos they're true, woo ♪

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you ♪

[laughs]

Your brain was removed
through your nose, hm.

It certainly explains a lot. Next!

And you are?

Pliny the Elder,

Roman Military Commander,
author, philosopher and naturalist.

I am greatly interested
in natural and geographic phenomenon,

so much so that I've actually written
my own scroll, Naturalis Historia.

-No book plugs on my show.
-Available in all good scroll shops.

-And now!
-Anyway,

I was in charge of a Roman fleet
based near the volcano, Mount Vesuvius.

[imitates buzzer]

Isn't Mount Vesuvius
the volcano that erupted

and destroyed the Roman city of Pompeii?

The very same.

He shoots, he scores a goal. [laughs]

I felt the tremors from the volcano

and I took my fleet to investigate.

We were greeted by most spectacular
sight of the volcano erupting.

-Have you ever seen one?
-No.

But, er, mummy here
does have a bit of a temper. What?

Well, it is absolutely breathtaking.

I ordered my galley to evacuate the locals

when I received a message
from a friend of mine

asking to be rescued.

So, I took a smaller, faster vessel

in order to try to reach
the shore as quickly as possible.

Uh-huh.

Cinders and pumice began
to rain down upon us,

so much so that my helmsman
feared for our safety

and advised us to turn around.

To which I said,

"Fortune favours the brave."

Oh! I know that saying,
now, who was it that said it?

-Me, I said it.
-[imitates buzzer] You, you said it.

I knew that, I did. Shh.

Once we were ashore, the wind became
so strong that we couldn't leave.

And I died of toxic poisoning
from the volcano fumes.

[laughs]

Fortune favours the brave.

-Volcanoes favour the cowardly,
mate. [laughs]

[stutters] Well, yes they do.

Pliny the Elder,
Pliny the plonker more like.

Oh, I'm on fire today.

No offence. [laughs]

You're through to the afterlife.

I'll just leave this here,
it's a copy of my scroll.

Naturalis Historia.

Thanks, mate.

Now, get out before I change my mind.

-Alright, I'm running.
-Run faster.

Honestly, I don't think
you're the only one

who's had their brain removed.

Him, him, I was talking about him. Next.

♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪

♪ Hope next time it's not you ♪ [laughs]

[narrator woman] There were also lots of
stupid ways to die in the Roman arena.

Emperor Commodus liked
pretending he was a gladiator,

but while he fought with a sword,
he’d arm his opponents with what?

A, sponges,

B, sticks,

or C, stones?

The answer is, A.

They didn't stand a chance.

Real Roman gladiators were
highly trained and very valuable.

[yelling in anger]

Calm it down. Maximus, you calm it down.

-Good morning.
-Morning.

Simple challenge this week, I gave
both teams a highly trained gladiator,

and all you lot had to do was to use him
to make as much money as possible.

So, what was your strategy, Team Maximus?

-Well, Lord Sugar, what we--
-Er, Emperor, Emperor Sugar.

I like the sound of it.

Well, Emperor Sugar,

knowing how valuable
a trained gladiator is,

we made sure the Maximus started
fighting untrained and unarmed slaves.

Good plan, minimise
the risk of serious injury.

Then, as soon as he gained
a reputation for chopping people up

we let him fight trained gladiators,
but we made sure

that the wounds they inflicted
on Maximus here were not lethal.

That way, we could spill plenty of blood, but Maximus here lived
to fight another day.

So, basically Karen,
your team fixed their fights.

-In a way, yes.
-Disgraceful, I like your style.

Well, Maximus' reputation
now guarantees sell-out crowds

wherever he fights,
and they've also got him to do

some rather lucrative product
endorsements. Have a look at this.

Oh, right, yeah.

I am Maximus Decimus Meridius,

Commander of the armies of the north,

father to a murdered son,
husband to a murdered wife,

and I will only ever wash
with Jupiter's Olive Oil.

Hm, so smooth.

No. I like it, right you lot,
what did you do with your gladiator?

Our strategy was, let's think big, huh?

Yeah, we wanted to put
on a real spectacle for the crowds,

man versus beast.

So, our gladiator versus a tiger.

Yeah, and how did that work out for you?

-We sold out the arena, sir.
-And what happened to the gladiator?

Oh, he's right here.
Well, what's left of him anyway.

Are you having a giraffe?

Can I just say that man versus beast
was actually his idea?

Yeah, I didn't mean a tiger did I?
I meant like a badger or something.

-You never said badger.
-Well you should--

Alright, alright, shut it, alright?

The only person I wanna hear
talking right now is me.

I like my own voice.
Let me get this straight.

You took a very expensive gladiator

and got him killed
in his first arena fight?

Not only that, but they also
failed to sell his blood.

You, what?

Gladiator blood is a well-known
Roman medicine, thought to cure epilepsy,

they could have sold it for a tidy profit.

Team Maximus on the other hand,

have been bottling
their gladiators' sweat.

Romans believed
it made you young and powerful.

-You should try some.
-Do I look like I need any of that stuff?

You can give some to Nick.
Right, I've heard enough,

Team Maximus, you've created
a hugely profitable one man industry,

whereas Team Minimus here

all you've got left is a dead gladiator
and a tiger with the runs.

It doesn't take a genius to work out
what I'm gonna say next.

Team Minimus.

You're fired.
Team Maximus, congratulations!

You've got yourself two ringside seats
to the next gladiator games,

where you'll get to see Maximus here
decimate these two idiots.

In fact, do you know what?
Let's just do it now. Maximus, get them.

[indistinct yelling]

Oh, it's exciting.

-I love a blood sport, don't you, Karen?
-Absolutely.

It's true! Roman gladiators
were very famous

and were often used to advertise products.

In many ways, gladiators
were the footballers of their day.

Although, they'd only roll about
on the floor screaming

if they'd had their leg
ripped off by a tiger. [narrator] Gorgeous Georgians.

In Georgian times
our jails were so overcrowded

we decided to ship
the smelly convicts far, far away.

But, setting up a colony in Australia
that turned out to be rather hard work.

As you know Finch, when we landed
our ships we only carry enough food

to provide for us until we can start
to farm the land, so how's that going?

Not good, sir, and we really
should have bought

more skilled farmers and livestock.

We've got to sort this out, man,

without food supplies,
more people are going to die.

[groans]

My point, exactly. Well, I suppose
no one said setting up

Australia's first ever British Colony
was going to be easy.

Still, I'm sure the second fleet
will show up any day now.

Stuffed to the gunnels with supplies.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

-Governor Philip.
-Yes.

Captain Hill, second fleet.

[both in synch] Boy, am I glad to see you.

[both laughing]

[both] I'm afraid conditions
which we are in are rather dire.

[both] Well we've had it worse,
we've lost half our people to disease.

[both] What? You too?
Then there's the lice and the starvation.

[both] But, we thought
you'd be our salvation.

[both] Us? No, we thought you would.

[both] Well, what are we gonna do?

I guess we'll just have to
wait for the third fleet.

I was just going to say that.

-How weird.
-Yeah.

The long journey to Australia
was tough going

and conditions on board ship
were disgusting.

So the rats must have loved it.

[laughs]

And things got even worse
when you arrived.

Oh yes, in Georgian times
you really wouldn't want to go down under.

♪ In Britain's Georgian times ♪

♪ There were so many crimes ♪

♪ No time to hang each crook
Guilty of a felony ♪

♪ Cos there's no room to jail you ♪ ♪ They'd send you to Australia ♪

♪ To live in a new fangled penal colony ♪

♪ Think that sounds like heaven? ♪

♪ In 1787 ♪

♪ It wasn't that kinda
Once in a lifetime trip ♪

♪ First fleet took the journey ♪

♪ Months at sea so churny ♪

♪ Over forty died while
They were on the ship ♪

♪ Those that lived were plucky ♪

♪ Plucky, plucky, plucky ♪

♪ Crammed on board with rats and vermin ♪

♪ Cockroaches in bed ♪

♪ Stench inside was sicky ♪

♪ Yucky, yucky icky ♪

♪ Lice not very nice
Can't get them out of my head ♪

♪ Landed Bay of Botany ♪

♪ Convicts' life was rotten-y ♪

♪ Needed food and shelter
But everything failed ♪

♪ Trees too strong for felling ♪

♪ Stagnant water smelling ♪

♪ A real step back in time
In New South Wales ♪

♪ Soil too poor for budding ♪

♪ Huts washed up by flooding ♪

♪ Plans for building houses
Came to sticky ends ♪

♪ The best of all their labours ♪

♪ Attacked by local neighbours ♪

♪ And that is when your neighbours
Don't become good friends ♪

♪ Situation tricky ♪

♪ Tricky, tricky, tricky ♪

♪ Then a second fleet of ships
Was due aground ♪

♪ Some thought this was lucky ♪

♪ But illness had struck-y ♪

♪ Half were dead or ill, fever was
Spinning around ♪

♪ After seven years ♪

♪ Convict record clears ♪

♪ Just one catch, you gotta
Pay your own way back ♪

♪ No wages meant no money ♪

♪ No choice but what's funny ♪

♪ Many stayed, became farmers
And made a stack ♪

♪ Original arrivers ♪ ♪ Proved hardy survivors ♪

♪ Sydney turned into a place
You'd choose to go ♪

♪ Think that they'd be fairer ♪

♪ To convicts who were sent there ♪

♪ No way, they built prisons
Even more remote ♪

♪ Port Arthur was one of the jails ♪

♪ Where every escape attempt fails ♪

♪ Was one man who nearly got through ♪

♪ Billy Hunt dressed as a kangaroo ♪

♪ Inmate's life still sucky ♪

♪ Sucky, sucky, sucky ♪

♪ Life behind bars was not very nice ♪

♪ Hideous and messy ♪

♪ Who would ever guessy ♪ ♪ This hellhole would become a ♪

Holiday paradise?

[narrator] Woeful Second World War.

[humming]

[humming]

Back from Munich. Very nice curry-wurst.

Oh, and good meeting with Hitler.

I think it’s peace for our time.

Just send that.

Oh responses already.
Well done. Wonderful news.

Hm, Winston Churchill.
I bet he wants to congratulate me as well.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

Hello, I think you'll find
I've just averted another world war.

Hitler has signed this piece of paper

saying that if we let him
have the Sudetenland

he promises not to expand
into any other countries.

You can't trust Adolf Hitler, he's already
forced Austria to unify with Germany,

plus he has a ridiculous moustache.

Hitler says no one wants
another world war, not even Germany.

I mean, they lost the first one.

And it's not
as if it's best of three, is it?

Appeasement is the right choice.

War is the right choice.

Hitler is planning an invasion,
mark my words.

Whatever.

Oh, what's this? Invasion advisor
review of Czechoslovakia

by A. Hitler33.

Slightly worrying.

"Delighted we chose to invade

this beautiful
and politically unstable country.

Definitely worth invading
if you’re in the area."

Oh! No need to panic Neville,

a lot of these invasion
advisor reviews are fake.

Still, better just check
who's on our side, just in case.

Good, eh, good.

What! Nazi Germany
has allied itself with fascist Italy.

Oh no, better make
some more allies, quick.

Ah! Poland, perfect.
We'll agree to protect them.

So maybe in the future they'll repay us
with reasonably priced builders.

Oh, not again.

Don't, don't say it.

-Told you so.
-Look, I'm strengthening out alliances.

I've already got Poland,
I'm waiting for Russia to...

What? We're not getting involved.

-Oh, dear.
-What's the problem with that?

Well, it means that Germany doesn't
have to defend its Russian border.

They can throw all of their troops
in our direction. What are you doing?

Er, nothing, nothing.
Look, Hitler promised.

-There's no way he's going to--
-Invade our new ally Poland?

By golly, this fellow's so hard
not to declare war against.

You were given the choice
between war and dishonour,

you chose dishonour and you will have war.

I think I preferred "I told you so".

Ah, war. Are you sure? Yes.

Are you sure you're sure? Yes.

What you need now is a canny politician.

One who was in the war cabinet
during the First World War,

and has the top score on minesweeper
in the Foreign Office. Me!

Okay, Winston, I'll make you
First Lord of the Admiralty.

I thought you'd never ask.

Budge up. Oh, it's the latest
House of Commons opinion poll.

Do you still support Chamberlain?

-Do you want to be prime minister, then?
-Yes, please.

You still here.

Ugh, and fetch me a cigar.
In fact, make it two.

Oh, I like it.

Might come in useful one day.

Churchill may have been
one of Britain's best wartime leaders,

but he was also very witty.

Take a look at
some of his funniest jokes. At ease.

[narrator] Out now on DVD,
it's Britain's Wittiest Man.

-It's Prime Minister Winston Churchill.
-[crowd clapping]

Yes, really.

A prisoner of war is a man
who tries to kill you

and fails and then asks you
not to kill him.

-[crowd laughing]
-[narrator] Britain's wartime genius

is also a comedy genius.

[Churchill] Eating my own words
has never given me indigestion.

[narrator] Featuring
all the legendary quips

of the original master of the one liner.

-I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.
-[crowd laughing]

[narrator] Enjoy the king
of the put down in action.

-My baby looks like you.
-All babies look like me.

-Sir, you are drunk.
-Madam, you are ugly.

In the morning, I shall be sober.

Get off, you're rubbish.

Er, stop interrupting me
while I'm interrupting you.

[crowd chatter]

I'm here all week, then I'm in my bunker.

[narrator] Yes, it's Britain's favourite
sit down, stand-up.

-[crowd applause]
-Why stand, when you can sit?

[narrator] Out now, price two shillings
and sixpence and two rationing coupons.

[narrator] Measly Middle Ages.

When the Normans conquered England,

let's just say they didn't always
see eye to eye with the locals.

I'm out of here, argh.

Welcome to Great Historical Country Walks.

Today, we'll be taking a gentle stroll

through the Northern English
countryside of 1070,

a period made famous
for the Harrowing of the North.

A lovely sounding thing which I imagine
has something to do with farming.

Just look at the beautiful rolling hills,

the lush green pastures
and just around the corner

the picturesque medieval
Yorkshire village... I think we might have taken a wrong turn.

Um, left at the tree, right at the river.

No, this seems to be the right place,
It's just strange,

there's supposed to be
a village of 200 people here.

Um, let's just go and ask this local.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Winthorpe.

The Normans, they killed everybody.
Destroyed the village.

Oh, dear me, um,
we'd best press on to York.

Could you point that out to me, please?

[groans]

Right, so, York is over there
by that massive bonfire.

Actually, I think
York is that massive bonfire.

[screaming] The Normans are coming.
They're destroying the town.

They're killing everyone.

They're completely
harrowing the place. [screaming]

So, that's what harrowing means.

Um, that's all from
Great Historical Country Walks.

Time for Great Historical Country Runs.

When Northern earls
rebelled against William the Conqueror

he took his revenge.
He destroyed much of the north

and was responsible
for the deaths of over a 100,000 people.

It was called The Harrowing of the North.

The ground was also sown
with salt so nothing would grow.

Which was called
The Harrowing of the Slugs.

[laughs]

No wonder Saxons were desperate
to fit in with their new Norman rulers.

Well, this is er, tres pleasant.

[laughs]

This is fabulous food.

Er, any chance you could pass the cow?

Oh, non, non, non.

Cows are dirty things with udders.

What we're eating here is boeuf.

Isn't that right, cherie?

Whatever.

-Any chance you could pass the boeuf?
-Bravo. [laughs]

-Thank you, Mary.
-Oh, Marie. [laughs]

Oh, okay.

Is there any more of the pig?

Oh really, Lawrence, tout alors?

Do please excuse my husband's
Anglo Saxon, its pork.

Since when?

Since 1066 when William
the Conqueror invaded England

and we educated people,
started talking French

or rather slipping the odd word,
or should I say mot in here and there.

Just to show we're not complete peasants.

Or churls as Lawrence
still insists on calling them.

Well, er, we both think
it's a fabulous idea to

um, impresse the new Francais,

don't we, Jerry?

Oh yes, we certainly do.

Any chance you could pass the mouton?

-Bravo encore.
-[Mary and Jerry laugh]

That's the sheep.

-Do you always have to embarrasse me?
-You what?

-It's pardon.
-Does anyone else need a drink?

Oh, could you not at least try
and say beverage?

No, I couldn't Mary,

because I'm an Anglo Saxon.
I eat food, not dinner.

And I hunt, I don't chase.

And when I break wind...

[Lawrence farts]

-Oh.
-It makes a smell, not an odour.

Lawrence.

Well, listen, I think
we'd best beat the traffic, er--

Oh no, oh please, don't departe.

But, you haven't had any pudding,
I mean dessert?

Oh well, thanks a lot.

Mon plesure, cherie.