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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:10,400 ♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians ♪ 2 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,000 ♪ Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights ♪ 3 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:15,800 ♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians ♪ 4 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,840 ♪ Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times ♪ 5 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,440 ♪ Roman, Rotten, Rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless ♪ ♪ Groovy Greeks, Reigning stages Mean and Measley Middle Ages ♪ 6 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:29,280 ♪ Gory Stories we do that And your host a talking rat ♪ 7 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,320 ♪ The past is no longer a mystery ♪ 8 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:37,480 ♪ Welcome to, Horrible Histories! ♪ 9 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,320 [narrator] Awful Egyptians. 10 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,360 Out of the Battle of Pelusium in 525BC 11 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,240 the Persians faced the might of our Egyptian army 12 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,960 and they used a sneaky trick to beat us. 13 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,960 Great. Look, I don't care if we are the elite of the Persian army 14 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:56,800 I don't fancy our chances against the Egyptians. 15 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:58,840 Look at them, there must be thousands of them. 16 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:02,640 Relax man, we're being led by Cambyses the Conqueror, 17 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:03,840 the Butcher of Memphis. 18 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:07,000 Imagine how many Egyptians you gotta kill to get a nickname like that. 19 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,840 Besides, I've heard we've got a secret weapon too. 20 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:14,280 Warriors, with our new secret weapon we shall be invulnerable. 21 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,960 I present the weapon that will defeat the Egyptians. 22 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,280 [drum rolls] 23 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,840 -[cat meows] -Right, um, does it explode? 24 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:25,240 No, it's just a cat. It works like this. Present cat! 25 00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:26,840 [drum rolls] 26 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,120 -You see. -We're gonna get creamed. 27 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,840 They're shooting. Get out of here. 28 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,480 Wait! Allow me a chance to demonstrate how our secret cat weapon works. 29 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:38,200 -Ridiculous. -Present cat! 30 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,000 -[cat meows] -It stopped. 31 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:42,800 They're retreating. How does it work? 32 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,400 Simples! Egyptians love cats. 33 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:49,040 They have cat cults, cat festivals, whole cities dedicated to cats. 34 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,080 They wouldn't dare risk hurting one. 35 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:55,040 As long as we hold the cats between us and them, they shan't dare attack. 36 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:56,920 There's one problem with your plan. 37 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,480 -What's that? -What if you're allergic? 38 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:03,280 [sneezing] 39 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,520 -Sorry, you've got a really weird sneeze. -I know. 40 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:08,360 -Sounds like you're just saying "Wazoo". -Wazoo. 41 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,160 -Sounds like wazoo, extraordinary. -Please stop it. Wazoo. 42 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:17,480 Bless you! Ancient Egyptians offered mummified cats to the goddess Bastet. 43 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:21,920 One tomb, built in around 2000BC was discovered with the remains 44 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,640 80,000 cat mummies. 45 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:29,840 I'd like us all just to take a moment to think about all those dead cats. 46 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:36,120 [laughs] Dead cats! Dead cats! Dead cats! Dead cats! Dead cats! 47 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:40,400 [Egyptian advert v/o] Do you heart cats? Then you'll love I Love Cats Magazine 48 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,920 because we Ancient Egyptians don't just love cats 49 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,480 we worship them, literally. 50 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,680 Don't miss our special offer on moggie mummification. 51 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,600 When your beloved pusscat passes on 52 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:53,440 why not treat them to their own special sarcophagus. Purr-fect! 53 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,560 You'll love our special report on the Festival of Bastet, Goddess of Cats. 54 00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:00,000 700,000 visited her temple at Babastis 55 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,760 honouring her by singing and dancing and drinking loads and loads of wine. 56 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,600 Festival of Bastet's brilliant. 57 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:11,560 Meow! And don't miss this month's special feature on hunting with cats. 58 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:14,360 Find out how I taught my cat how to help me hunt. 59 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:17,280 All I have to do is throw this boomerang 60 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,760 and try and catch a flying bird. 61 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,840 Yes, got one! Now Tiddles will help me retrieve it. 62 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,760 Tiddles, fetch! Go on, Tiddles, fetch the... no, you're going the wrong way. 63 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,680 She needs a bit more training. I wish you were a dog! 64 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,520 -[slamming] -Ugh, every time! 65 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,080 [Egyptian advert v/o] Cat-tastrophe! 66 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,560 And enter this month's cat caption competition 67 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,200 and you could win a cat pendant 68 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,360 which comes with a lifetime guarantee of protection 69 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:41,760 from the cat goddess herself. 70 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,120 Check out last month's winner. 71 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,200 [cat v/o] I can haz mummification. 72 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,320 [Egyptian advert v/o] So buy I Love Cats Magazine, 73 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,760 out Meow! 74 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,480 Yours for three cloves of garlic or one clove of garlic 75 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:52,920 if you're good at bartering. 76 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:56,160 [narrator] Shocking Scotland. 77 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:01,840 Famous Scot, Bonnie Prince Charlie, thought he should be King of Britain 78 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:06,400 so he led a rebellion against George II, but his army was heavily defeated 79 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,920 at the Battle of Culloden and Charlie needed help to escape. 80 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,360 [music playing] 81 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,640 [Prince Charlie] Hello. I'm just canvassing opinion 82 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,839 on the young pretender, Bonnie Prince Charlie, 83 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:21,720 who recently failed in his attempt to overthrow King George II. 84 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:22,680 Do you think he's... 85 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,120 A, absolutely awful and you'd turn him in in a heartbeat. 86 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:28,480 B, basically alright, but you wouldn't wanna meet him. 87 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,920 Or C, a good Scottish lad who you'd definitely help 88 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,160 if he came to your door doing a silly voice. 89 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,080 C. 90 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:36,240 Ah, thank goodness for that. 91 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:39,520 Bonnie Prince Charlie! 92 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:40,720 The very same. 93 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,960 What on earth are you doing out here in the Hebrides. 94 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,760 I'm on the run. King George II wants me dead. 95 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,200 He didn't like me going to war against him. 96 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:51,440 I can't imagine why. 97 00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:55,000 No, nor I, given I am the last legitimate heir to the House of Stuart 98 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,240 and so the rightful heir to the throne of Britain. 99 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,000 -If you say so. -[Prince Charlie] Now, 100 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:03,120 I can go safe to France from the Isle of Skye but I cannot get to Skye on me own. 101 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,680 So, what do you say? Will you help a handsome prince? 102 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,360 -Maybe, what's his name? -Er, I meant me. 103 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,520 Oh, right! Of course. 104 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,720 Now, the King has put a £30,000 price on my head 105 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,840 so the challenge is going to be getting me to Skye without being spotted. 106 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,640 Don't you worry, I have everything we need. 107 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:23,640 Oh great, thanks. Honestly, it's been a nightmare, all this running and hiding. 108 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:25,440 Can you think of anything more humiliating 109 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,880 than a man of royal blood having to skulk around the... 110 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:30,600 Apparently you can. 111 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:35,400 If anyone asks, your name is Betty Burke and you're my Irish maid. 112 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:39,080 -Can you do an Irish accent? -[Charlie] Top of the morning to you. 113 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,680 -Maybes I'll do the talking. -Well, what do you think? 114 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:47,320 Think you make a more convincing Irish maid than you would a King. 115 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,440 Well, people do say I'm bonnie. 116 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,240 [music playing] 117 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,360 After Bonnie Prince Charlie's rebellion 118 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:57,440 a law made it illegal for Scotsmen to wear kilts. 119 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,280 Though it said nothing about wearing dresses. 120 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,920 The ban remained in force until 1782. 121 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,800 One famous Scot who had more luck against the English 122 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,680 was Robert the Bruce. 123 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:13,040 [thrilling music playing] 124 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,280 Okay, hit me! 125 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,960 I am Robert the Bruce and this is the tale 126 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:20,600 of how I defeated the English King 127 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,960 at the Battle of Bannockburn and won the throne of Scotland. 128 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,200 -Isn't er, Scoterland part of Engerland. -Not exactly. 129 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,240 Now where have I heard of you before? 130 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,960 Perhaps you've heard tales of my courage and skills in battle? 131 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:37,480 -That's it! You're the spider guy. -The what what guy? 132 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:41,200 Yes! You hid in a cave watching a spider and that inspired you to fight on. 133 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:44,560 Every time the web snapped the spider started to build it again. 134 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,760 -If at first you don't succeed, try again. -Not in the movie business. 135 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:51,240 No, that never actually happened, that's just a story people tell 136 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,920 to explain why I never gave up, no matter what. 137 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,800 What if he got bitten by the spider and turned into a superhero? 138 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,520 -Spiderguy. -Spiderguy 2. 139 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,920 -Now we're getting somewhere. -Well enough about the spiders men, okay? 140 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:06,320 This film is about how we Scots defeated the English King Edward in battle. 141 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:10,080 -Braveheart, I love that movie. -Seen it, bought the face paint. 142 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,000 -Hang on, that was the other chap. -Mel Gibson? 143 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,960 -William Wallace. -So who's this clown? I'm Robert the Bruce, King of Scotland. 144 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,120 William Wallace had been dead nine years 145 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,120 when we defeated the English at Bannockburn. 146 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,280 He wasn't even fighting the same King Edward. 147 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,080 Yes, but he won you the throne. 148 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:28,320 Aye, he won some battles, yes, but then he was defeated 149 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,640 and had to hide for several years. I won my own throne. 150 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,800 I can't believe me ears. Are you suggesting that 151 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,440 the Hollywood film Braveheart is not 100% historically accurate? 152 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:41,640 -I think I'm gonna faint. -I think we're gonna go with Spiderguy. 153 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,200 No! I will not have it. 154 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:47,120 I will not have you take my life and make a mockery of it. 155 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,520 You may take our lives... 156 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:55,240 -[groans] -...but you'll never take our freedom! 157 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,480 -Freedom! -Pathetic. 158 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,680 -Great guy. I love the Irish. -Scottish. 159 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,120 -Not if Colin Farrell's gonna play him. -Colin Farrell! 160 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,640 [laughs] 161 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,160 [narrator] Savage Stone Age. 162 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,560 [woman narrator] Stone Age invention number 28, 163 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,320 wearing clothes. 164 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,760 [music playing] 165 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:20,640 -You want to buy clothes? -What clothes? 166 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:25,280 -This clothes. -Ugh, clothes look stupid. 167 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:30,520 Clothes latest thing. Good for keep warm. This winter clothes. 168 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,679 -Ugh. -This summer clothes. 169 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,159 Oh! Clothes stinky. 170 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:42,000 Oh, this clothes better. So soft. 171 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:44,600 Previous owner not finished with those clothes. 172 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,840 -[bear roars] -Argh! 173 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,480 [laughs] Funny. 174 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:53,760 Yes, stone age man make lots of clever inven... 175 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,960 inventons, in, ugh, things. 176 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,760 This one make hunting much easier. 177 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,760 [up-tempo music playing] 178 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,760 Hello and welcome to Historical Top Gear. 179 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:11,520 Now, if you wanna go somewhere fast, we've got the answer 180 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,360 because today we're looking at the very latest in transportation devices: 181 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:15,280 the horse. 182 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,600 I know what you're thinking, horses have been around 183 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:21,240 for even longer than this prehistoric presenter, but up until now 184 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:24,520 they've been tricky to ride and almost impossible to steer. 185 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:28,360 That is until boffins in the Ukraine came up with a brand new piece of technology 186 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:32,920 which makes it far easier to ride on horses' backs, and here it is. 187 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,000 This clever piece of kit is called a bit. 188 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:39,040 A bit? They might as well have called it a thingy. 189 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:39,960 [laughs] 190 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,920 Anyway, enough chat, it's time for a test ride. 191 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,040 [music playing] 192 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:48,680 [James] And just look at the Stig out on track. Here's how it works. 193 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:51,760 The bit works by applying pressure to the horse's lip 194 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,760 so when I pull on this rein the horse turns left 195 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:58,240 and when I pull on this rein the horse turns right. Clever stuff. 196 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:02,200 My horse now handles beautifully, especially on tight corners. 197 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:06,640 I can see how this Ukrainian gizmo is really going to revolutionise hunting. 198 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:08,880 [music playing] 199 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,280 These horses are pretty powerful. 200 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,560 How many horse power does one horse put out? 201 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:16,160 -Um, one. -Woof! 202 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,000 [James] Next week on Historical Top Gear in the Stone Age 203 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:22,080 we'll be looking at how the boffins are getting on inventing the wheel. 204 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,040 Well that's never gonna work. I mean how are the gonna fit it on the horses' legs? 205 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,480 No idea. 206 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,800 Well on that bombshell, goodbye. 207 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,760 [narrator] Vile Victorians. 208 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:40,480 Today on Victorian Word Battles, it's Charles Dickens versus Lewis Carroll. 209 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:42,320 The authors of Alice in Wonderland 210 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,440 and Oliver Twist going head to head in a word off. 211 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,480 Who can come up with the best new words? This is about to go down. 212 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:53,480 -Messiness. -Burble. 213 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,280 -Unpromisingly. -Chortle. 214 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,080 Fancy-dressed. 215 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:05,680 Slithy galumphing bandersnatch. 216 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,600 I'm sorry, actually I let "burble" and "chortle" go 217 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:11,720 but "slithy galumphing bandersnatch" aren't real words. 218 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:17,440 -Yes they are, I just created them. -Oh, bah humbug! 219 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:19,800 Now who's making stuff up? 220 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:24,480 Did you know, Lewis Carroll wasn't the author's real name? 221 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,960 His real name was Charles Dodson. 222 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:31,240 Lots of authors use a so called "pen name" to write their books. 223 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,920 Mine's J. K. Rowling. 224 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:38,480 Lewis Carroll loved imagining crazy fantasy stories 225 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:43,880 whereas Charles Dickens preferred telling stories about gritty real life. 226 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:48,040 [music playing] 227 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,800 [screams] 228 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,120 [music playing] 229 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,040 ♪ I lived a happy life 'til I was 10 years old ♪ 230 00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:00,600 ♪ When debt landed Dad in prison And our country house was sold ♪ 231 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:05,040 ♪ Lodged with a lady in her London flat so cold ♪ 232 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:09,160 ♪ Worked at a boot polish factory Labelling jars - quite dull all told ♪ 233 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,680 ♪ Goodness only knows ♪ 234 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:16,600 ♪ I was a miserable so-oh-oul ♪ 235 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:22,000 ♪ For a time I went to school But then I found a job ♪ 236 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:26,200 ♪ As a clerk to a lawyer, oh It made my poor head throb ♪ ♪ I failed to be an actor Despite my loud gob ♪ 237 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:34,800 ♪ Ended up reporting speeches Of the Parliamentary mob ♪ 238 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,320 ♪ Then as everybody knows ♪ 239 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:42,200 ♪ I started writing pro-oh-ose ♪ 240 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,560 ♪ Put my life into my books ♪ 241 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,600 ♪ Friends and enemies and crooks ♪ 242 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,800 ♪ Legal bosses, up they crop ♪ 243 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,840 ♪ In the Old Curiosity Shop ♪ 244 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,200 ♪ Fagin in Oliver Twist? ♪ 245 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,120 ♪ "A factory pal" you get the gist ♪ 246 00:12:56,200 --> 00:13:00,480 ♪ And although my memory's quite foggy ♪ 247 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:03,720 ♪ Got Scrooge from the grave of Ebenezer ♪ 248 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,120 ♪ Scroggie ♪ 249 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,680 ♪ My first book was an Overnight sensation ♪ 250 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:15,720 ♪ But I drove myself too hard to Enjoy the adulation ♪ 251 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:20,200 ♪ Despite my wealth my family Begged for money ♪ 252 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:24,200 ♪ I wrote of it in Chuzzlewit Which people said was funny ♪ 253 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,480 ♪ Didn't sell like books before ♪ 254 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:31,760 ♪ My family still asked for mo-oh-ore ♪ 255 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,800 ♪ Little Dorrit is a tale ♪ ♪ About my dad in debtors' jail ♪ 256 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,120 ♪ While Hard Times tells my life ♪ 257 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,400 ♪ About when I tried to leave my wife ♪ 258 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,440 ♪ Little Nell's death was my poor ♪ 259 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,360 ♪ Dear departed sister-in-law ♪ 260 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:49,800 ♪ And David Copperfield Working in a factory ♪ 261 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:55,680 ♪ I must confess that that was Really me ♪ 262 00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,800 ♪ In my life, felt shame 'bout Poverty in childhood ♪ 263 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:05,280 ♪ Wrote about sadness Suffering and fears ♪ 264 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:09,640 ♪ Also wrote about People with funny names ♪ 265 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,480 ♪ Bumble, Smallweed, Scrooge, Uriah Heep ♪ 266 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:16,120 ♪ And Wackford Squeers ♪ 267 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:19,760 ♪ Whilst writing Edwin Drood ♪ 268 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,160 ♪ A train crash didn't help my mood ♪ 269 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,200 ♪ Still I drove myself on ♪ 270 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,120 ♪ With readings far across the pond ♪ 271 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,160 ♪ Died before I wrote Drood's end ♪ 272 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,280 ♪ This sort of thing drove me Round the bend ♪ 273 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:34,680 ♪ So Dickens take a, Dickens take a bow ♪ 274 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:40,320 ♪ And Heaven knows I'm miserable ♪ 275 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,760 ♪ Now ♪ 276 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,800 [narrator] Groovy Greeks. 277 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,080 We Greeks loved a bit of philosophy. 278 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:57,040 It's the study of the most puzzling questions in life, like why are we here? 279 00:14:57,120 --> 00:15:00,720 What is reality? And how come all philosophers are so weird? 280 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,800 Welcome back to Historical Come Dine With Me 281 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:07,640 where we brought together four Ancient Greek philosophers. 282 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,640 Wacky mathematician Pythagoras served up some interested theorems. A squared plus B squared equalled C squared. Do you see? 283 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:14,920 That is absolute genius. 284 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:19,480 And the other thing is, that after you've died, you come back as animals. 285 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,520 No, I know this because the other day I heard a dog barking 286 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,920 and it definitely was the voice of my friend. 287 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:28,240 [narrator] Having given up all possessions and clothing, 288 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:31,760 hippy philosopher Diogenes invited everyone back to his barrel. 289 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:32,880 Yes, barrel! 290 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,440 Well er, make yourselves at home lads 291 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:39,760 this is the dining room, the living room and the bedroom. 292 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,080 -Ooh! -And the toilet. 293 00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:44,600 [narrator] Well that's charming. 294 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:48,080 And know it all biologist Aristotle sliced up a duck a goose, an octopus and a swan. 295 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,120 -Oh, thank you very much. -Sounds delicious. 296 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,320 Oh, I'm not cooking them. 297 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,000 I'm just chopping them into bits to see how their bodies work. 298 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,760 Hummus? Hummus? 299 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,880 [narrator] And now it's time for greedy poet Philoxenus to host a meal 300 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,200 for his fellow contestants. 301 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,960 I do love cooking, um, well, other people's cooking. 302 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:09,080 [laughs] When I'm feeling a bit peckish, what I like to do is wander the streets 303 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,680 until I smell something good, then I knock on the door 304 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:16,240 go inside and join'em at the table for dinner. Fantastic. And cheap. 305 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,800 [narrator] Yes, you're what we'd call a cheeky beggar. 306 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,840 -Be careful, that's boiling hot. -Perfect. Thank you cook. 307 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,920 [narrator] Hang on, what do you think you're doing? 308 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,200 -Ah! -What you doing? What you doing? 309 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:29,760 I need to gargle with hot water, to strengthen my resistance to heat. 310 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,400 [narrator] It seems as if Philoxenus is so greedy 311 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,520 he's training himself to eat all the hot food 312 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,240 before anyone else gets a look in. 313 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:40,680 Lovely. You will remember to make all the food piping hot, won't you? Okay. 314 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:41,560 Come in. 315 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,760 [narrator] It's time for Philoxenus to welcome his guests to a memorable feast. 316 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:48,000 But how will they get on with his piping hot food? 317 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:51,520 [all screaming] 318 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,080 [narrator] Looks like a bad day to give up clothes. 319 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,600 Scores, please. 320 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,400 It's a nought from Aristotle. 321 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,800 A nought from Pythagoras and from Diogenes, it's a... 322 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:02,960 [farts] 323 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,359 Oh dear, I think that might be a number two. 324 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,000 [narrator] True or false? 325 00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:11,880 Diogenes drowned in a barrel of his own poo! 326 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:18,319 It's false. He's said to have died from eating raw octopus. 327 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,520 [narrator] Terrible Tudors. 328 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:27,880 Queen Elizabeth I had a spy master called Francis Walsingham 329 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:31,640 his mission to catch Catholics plotting against the Queen. 330 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,960 His method, a brand new postal service. 331 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,280 Then you need... Sorry, I just said spy, didn't I? 332 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,920 I just said spy. I really shouldn't mention the whole spy thing, should I? No. 333 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,120 Okay, let's go again, one more time. 334 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:59,320 Hi, I'm Francis Walsingham and my new royal approved postal service 335 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,560 is said to transform the way that you communicate. 336 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:07,400 Now you can send your letters and messages from any of our new postal offices. 337 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:13,120 From there, they'll be collected, sorted, read by a spy and hand delivered to-- 338 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,240 I said it again! 339 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:18,120 The fact that I have every letter read by a spy should be a secret 340 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,880 that's the point Francis! Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Okay, let's do it. 341 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:26,520 My new postal service is 100% safe and secure 342 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,400 meaning your mail definitely won't be read by spies 343 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:32,680 looking evidence of Catholic conspiracies against Queen Elizabeth. 344 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:33,760 Hold on. 345 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,520 Hold on. By denying we're using spies 346 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,400 it's pretty clear that we are using spies, isn't it? Am I wrong? 347 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,040 I should probably just avoid using the word spies altogether really. 348 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:47,400 Hi, I'm Sir Francis Walsingham and if you're looking for a safer way 349 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:51,960 to get your letters delivered then try the new royal approved mail service today. 350 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,200 We're reading your mail. 351 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,680 We should probably change that last line. 352 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,480 Walsingham and his spies were very effective. 353 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,280 They stopped the Babington Plot 354 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:05,520 to put Mary Queen of Scots on Elizabeth's throne. 355 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,400 Mary never did have much luck. [laughs] 356 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:13,040 [news theme music] 357 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:18,000 Hello and welcome the News at When. When? Nearly 500 years ago 358 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,200 when perhaps the unluckiest royal in history started 359 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:24,120 a brand new job at a very young age. 360 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,920 For more details on this incredible story 361 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,680 we go over to Bob Hail with the Mary Queen of Scots report. Bob. 362 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:31,720 Thank you, Sam. 363 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:35,120 Well the year is 1542 and a child is about to be born who's the... 364 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,960 -wait for it, wait for it... -[baby cries] 365 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:40,240 Yes, there she is. Mary Stuart, a daughter to James V of Scotland, 366 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:41,920 a confident king who'd ruled the Scots 367 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,680 since he was just one year old, and would go on ruling them 368 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,560 -until he was old and grey... -[buzzing] 369 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,560 Oh no, my mistake, he's dead. Aged just 30, leaving six day old 370 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,680 Mary as the new Queen of Scotland 371 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,400 a role that would almost certainly have eaten into naptime. 372 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,680 So various regents were brought in to run Scotland 373 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,120 on Mary's behalf until she was old enough to rule alone 374 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,280 or at the very least, hold her own cutlery. 375 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:04,840 But she soon grows up, masters cutlery and, in a slightly unusual move 376 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:08,160 for a Scottish monarch, moves to France. Yes, seeing how nice France is 377 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,440 she marries France's Prince Francis who then becomes France's King Francis 378 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,680 with whom she shares a long and happy life, filled... 379 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,080 -[buzzing] -Oh no, my mistake, he's dead too. 380 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,680 Killed be an ear infection, I think we can assume got quiet bad. 381 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,120 So, Mary is ousted from France, returns to Scotland 382 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,800 and decides to marry her cousin this time, a certain Lord Darnley, 383 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,120 who despite being about as popular with the Scottish nobles as a dust covered cat 384 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,840 in an allergy clinic, enjoys a long and happy marriage with... 385 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,080 -[buzzing] -No, no! 386 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,040 Scratch that. It seems that rumours start circulating of a romance 387 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,560 between the married queen and her private secretary, David Rizzio. 388 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,680 Luckily though, Mary completely denies these rumours, which means that 389 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,720 Rizzio can go on to live a long and happy life, filled with... 390 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:50,080 No, didn't think so. Yes, despite bravely hiding behind the new pregnant queen, 391 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:54,320 Rizzio is dragged away by a mob of Lord Darnley's friends, stabbed 56 times 392 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,480 and thrown down some stairs, leaving him very likely dead. 393 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:01,120 But, with Rizzio out of the picture, the way is clear for Mary and Lord Darnley 394 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,400 to enjoy that long and happy marriage, which I mentioned a few short... 395 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,480 [buzzing] 396 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,280 But, should have guessed, Darnley's dead too, 397 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,320 killed in a very weird explosion at his house, 398 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,800 the sort of weird explosion that also strangles you 399 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,720 and dumps your body in the garden, 400 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,880 which if we look at suspicious death-o-meter, yes, highly suspicious 401 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,880 and for good reason, because it turns out that Darnley was probably murdered 402 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,280 by a Scottish noble called the Earl of Bothwell 403 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:25,440 who I imagine the now widowed Mary hates more than anyone... 404 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:26,400 [buzzing] 405 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,600 No! My mistake, she's married him. Did not see that coming. 406 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,360 But, marrying her dead husband's murderer 407 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,400 does not go too well with the Scottish people 408 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,880 who force Mary to hand her crown to her baby son James VI, 409 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,360 and run away to England. 410 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,240 Luckily, Mary's cousin, Elizabeth I welcomes her to England 411 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:43,720 -with opens arms... -[buzzing] 412 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,080 I cannot get a break today. 413 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,720 No, it seems that Elizabeth throws Mary in jail 414 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,960 because she's worried that Mary might try and murder her 415 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,360 and steal the English crown, 416 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,880 which is something that would never happen in a million... 417 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,280 -[buzzing] -No, no. Oh, come on now. 418 00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,160 I mean yes, there is a plot to place Mary on Elizabeth's throne, 419 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,600 but that's hatched by an Italian banker called Ridolfi 420 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:04,680 and the Duke of Norfolk, so it's nothing to do with Mary herself 421 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,120 who would never do anything as awful as hatch a plot 422 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,120 -to kill her own cousin in cold... -[buzzing] 423 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,920 Will you please just... Okay, yes fine, I mean I suppose Mary does have a hand 424 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,920 in the next plot to kill Elizabeth, Babington Plot, 425 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,160 because it's Mary's own letters about it that leads to the plan being discovered. 426 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,200 But I'm sure Queen Elizabeth will react in a calm and maje-- 427 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,320 I was joking! It was a joke! 428 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:28,320 Elizabeth reacts to the discovery of the plot by signing Mary's death warrant 429 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,720 and despite a last minute wobble over whether or not to go through with it, 430 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:36,280 Elizabeth finally has Mary Queen of Scots executed on 8th February 1587, 431 00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:38,680 at which point the executioner discovers she wears a wig 432 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:40,920 when he tries to pick her head up by the hair. 433 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,000 -[buzzing] -That happened. That actually happened. 434 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,240 -[buzzing continues] -It did. That... ugh, honestly. 435 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,440 And her lips kept moving for a quarter of an hour after she died. 436 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:49,920 Well, that's an eye witness account. 437 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,720 -[buzzing] -I'm telling you that... 438 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:56,080 Stop making the... Right, that's it, I'm turning that off. 439 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:57,320 No, I've had enough with it. 440 00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,440 We'll see who the clever man is now, won't we? 441 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:04,240 Probably should have turned the power off. Back to you, Sam. 442 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,000 [news theme music playing] [narrator] Ruthless Rulers. 443 00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:16,080 [music playing] 444 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,400 Hi, welcome to Gross Designs. 445 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:24,280 I'm here in Middle Ages Romania to meet a man with a truly awe inspiring 446 00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:27,920 new design project to defend his country. 447 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:32,120 His name is Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia. 448 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:35,400 Please, my friends call me Dracula. 449 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:38,520 You're not gonna bite my neck and suck out all the blood, are you? 450 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:42,800 -[laughs] No, I'm not vampire. -You're not some crazed killer. [laughs] 451 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,600 Mm, well, I'm not vampire anyway. 452 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,760 No, Dracula means son of Dracul, the dragon. 453 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:54,200 Dracul was my father's name, so I am Dracul-a. 454 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:58,600 Glad we've cleared that up. Why don't you tell us about your design? 455 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:02,640 So the basic plan is to defend my country from invasion 456 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:06,520 with 20,000 sharpened wooden poles. 457 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,440 [presenter] Vlad has been having a dispute with his neighbour 458 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,720 the massive Ottoman Empire, which wants to invade his country 459 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,440 and conquer it, as they've done with many other countries. 460 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:20,920 Vlad's solution is to build a large fence all the way around the border. 461 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:24,560 So it's an interesting nickname you've got, Vlad the Impala. 462 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,480 Forgive me for saying, but you don't seem like the kind of man 463 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,200 who'd be named after a small gazelle. 464 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,440 No, no, it's Vlad the Impaler, Kevin. 465 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:36,720 The army is out there right now, rounding up 20,000 volunteers 466 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,320 to impale on these sharp poles. 467 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:44,160 Ugh! Like shish kebab. [laughs] 468 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:47,040 You know what the Ottomans will say when they see 469 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:50,560 the bodies of 20,000 of my own people spiked on the border? 470 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,120 -You're insane! -Agh! Exactly. 471 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,360 We'll have a little sign which says "Welcome to Wallachia, 472 00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:01,520 stick around and end up around a stick." 473 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:06,080 Eh! They'll be too terrified to invade. 474 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,800 [laughs] It is genius and it will work. 475 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,040 Has he gone? [exhales] 476 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:17,840 Vlad the Impaler really did have 20,000 of his own people 477 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:21,440 impaled on stakes to scare away invaders. 478 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:24,400 It worked too! They thought if he'd do that to his own people 479 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:26,800 what will he do to us? 480 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:31,360 Rulers really can't get much more rotten than that. Or can they? 481 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,000 [cheerful music playing] 482 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,360 ♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪ 483 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,440 ♪ They're funny cause They're true! ♪ 484 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,160 ♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪ 485 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,440 ♪ Hope next time it's not you! ♪ 486 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:49,200 That was delicious, but I couldn't eat another thing. 487 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,720 Do you want a chip? Oh, I see you've already eaten. 488 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,960 Right, best get on. Ugh, next! 489 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,800 -And you are? -Ivan the Terrible. 490 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,800 Ooh, Ivan the Terrible! 491 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:05,080 And what's so "terrible" about you? Hope it's not wind. [laughs] 492 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,320 I once gouged out the eyes of two architects. 493 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,760 Oh yes, and what crime had they committed? 494 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:14,200 They had built me the most beautiful church the world had ever seen, 495 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:18,320 Saint Basil's in Moscow, the one with the multi-coloured onion domes, very pretty. 496 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:21,360 And you rewarded them by gouging their eyes out. 497 00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:25,640 Of course, to ensure that they never built anything better for anybody else. 498 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:27,800 Yeah, that is quite "terrible" actually. 499 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:31,000 I once had an archbishop sewn into a bearskin and hunted down 500 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:32,480 and killed by wild dogs. 501 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,080 -[Ivan laughs] -Yep. That's pretty terrible too. 502 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:39,080 I also had people buried alive, roasted on a spit, boiled in oil 503 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:42,800 and my enemies' ribs pulled out by hot pincers. [laughs] 504 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:46,040 Alright mate, steady on, I've just had me lunch. [burps] I also tipped scolding soup over my jester. 505 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:50,920 Just how bad were his jokes? [laughs] 506 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,880 Put it this way, that was the only time he made me laugh. 507 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:55,600 I then stabbed him to death. 508 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,120 Alright mate, you've made your point, it's official, you are terrible. 509 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:03,840 So come on then, let's hear it, what terrible way did Ivan the Terrible die? 510 00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:07,800 Ooh, let me guess, were you covered in honey and eaten alive by ants. 511 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:10,680 -Net. -Mm, ripped apart by wild horses. 512 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,000 -Negative. -Ugh. Well? 513 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:14,960 I died playing chess. 514 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:22,000 You, the most blood thirsty man on the planet died playing a board game! 515 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:24,000 Alright, laugh it up, skeletor. 516 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,920 Hey, who won? Or, was it a dead heat! 517 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,040 Dead! I said a dead heat. 518 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:31,840 I once killed my jester, remember. 519 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,400 I'm already dead mate. Keep up. 520 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:37,080 Well done, you're through to the afterlife. Don't stay in touch. 521 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:38,440 See you later crocodile. 522 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:42,360 No, it's see you later alligator, because it... oh, never mind. What's that? 523 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,920 Yes, you're quite right. Terrible man. Next! 524 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,240 ♪ Stupid deaths, stupid deaths ♪ 525 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:51,440 ♪ Hope next time it's not you! ♪ 47506

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