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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,333 --> 00:00:03,467 * Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians 2 00:00:03,567 --> 00:00:04,967 * Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians 3 00:00:05,067 --> 00:00:06,100 * Woeful wars, Ferocious fights 4 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:08,300 * Dingy castles, Daring knights 5 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,900 * Horrors that defy description, Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians 6 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,167 * Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, Punishment from ancient times! 7 00:00:13,267 --> 00:00:14,567 * Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless 8 00:00:14,667 --> 00:00:15,733 * Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless 9 00:00:15,833 --> 00:00:17,167 * Groovy Greeks, Brainy sages 10 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,267 * Mean and measly Middle Ages 11 00:00:18,367 --> 00:00:20,933 * Gory stories, we do that 12 00:00:21,033 --> 00:00:23,833 * And your host a talking rat 13 00:00:23,933 --> 00:00:27,033 * The past is no longer a mystery 14 00:00:27,133 --> 00:00:31,800 * Welcome to Horrible Histories * 15 00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:35,767 (MAN READING) 16 00:00:39,067 --> 00:00:41,300 NARRATOR: The mighty Roman army defeated all who stood in their ways 17 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,333 as they marched through Europe 18 00:00:43,433 --> 00:00:45,800 and generals who were outstanding in battle 19 00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:47,767 were honoured with a victory parade called a Roman Triumph. 20 00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:53,400 4,996. What are we on, Calculus? 21 00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:56,467 4,996 barbarians killed, sir. 22 00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:58,467 What about that one there with the axe? 23 00:00:58,567 --> 00:00:59,900 I can't give you that one, sir. He's still moving. 24 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:00,933 (SOLDIER SCREAMS) 25 00:01:01,033 --> 00:01:01,967 You can now. 26 00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:04,667 4,997. 27 00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:07,333 This will be the first time I've ever killed 5,000 enemies in one battle 28 00:01:08,333 --> 00:01:10,500 and qualified for a Roman Triumph. 29 00:01:11,267 --> 00:01:13,167 Just need three more. Ha! 30 00:01:14,833 --> 00:01:17,367 Two more and then yours truly will be parading in a chariot 31 00:01:17,467 --> 00:01:19,000 through the streets of Rome 32 00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:20,433 to the wild adulation of the crowds 33 00:01:21,433 --> 00:01:23,100 (MIMICKING CROWD CHEERING) 34 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,733 Oh, please. Oh, please. 35 00:01:24,833 --> 00:01:25,800 (MIMICKING CROWD CHEERING) 36 00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:27,400 (SOLDIER SCREAMS) 37 00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:30,233 Ooh, is that one there? Yes, I'll give you that. 38 00:01:30,333 --> 00:01:32,967 He's moving, but realistically he's not going anywhere without his head. 39 00:01:33,067 --> 00:01:34,767 4,999. 40 00:01:35,467 --> 00:01:37,333 Get in! Come on! 41 00:01:37,433 --> 00:01:38,267 One more. 42 00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:41,067 The might of Rome is too much. 43 00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:43,300 We surrender. 44 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,767 What's that? You refuse to surrender? 45 00:01:46,867 --> 00:01:47,600 Carry on fighting, everyone. 46 00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:50,767 The battle is over. You have won this day. 47 00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:55,733 Ha, look he threw his weapons at me. 48 00:01:55,833 --> 00:01:58,167 Fight on, men. 49 00:01:58,267 --> 00:02:00,600 No, General, he's surrendered. La, la, la. I can't hear you. 50 00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,100 Keep fighting. La, la, la, la 51 00:02:03,433 --> 00:02:05,667 General, we can't keep fighting them if they've surrendered. 52 00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:08,000 I only need one more death to get my Triumph, my parade. 53 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:11,700 Just write one down there, will you? Look, that one looks dead there. 54 00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,100 He's waving. 55 00:02:15,733 --> 00:02:17,300 Are you going to help me or not? 56 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,600 I will not lie on my battle report 57 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:22,133 You're either with me or against me. 58 00:02:25,167 --> 00:02:26,467 Thank you. 59 00:02:27,767 --> 00:02:31,167 And one more enemy dead, makes 5,000. Yay! 60 00:02:32,433 --> 00:02:33,233 5,000. 61 00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:35,033 Got 5,000. 62 00:02:36,733 --> 00:02:39,233 How did we lose to this lot? 5,000, 5,000. Come on, everybody. 63 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,133 5,000. 64 00:02:41,933 --> 00:02:43,133 If you were awarded a Roman Triumph, 65 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:45,733 you paraded through the streets of Rome on a chariot. 66 00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:48,500 You can read all about it in a book. 67 00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:50,467 That's right, a book. 68 00:02:51,433 --> 00:02:52,800 An exciting new Roman invention. 69 00:02:54,233 --> 00:02:56,767 Intuitive, revolutionary. 70 00:02:56,867 --> 00:02:58,867 Ancient Rome is delighted to announce 71 00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:03,467 the launch of the all new aBook, the take-anywhere reading solution. 72 00:03:03,567 --> 00:03:07,333 aBook is amazing. Up until now the only way to get your poetry 73 00:03:07,433 --> 00:03:10,333 to the masses was by writing it down on long awkward scrolls 74 00:03:10,433 --> 00:03:12,800 Or by shouting really loud. 75 00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:15,033 Now aBook has changed all that. 76 00:03:15,133 --> 00:03:17,833 With new aBook you simply turn the page, 77 00:03:17,933 --> 00:03:21,800 using the unique turnable pages to reveal new information. 78 00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:26,200 By writing data on both sides of the page, new aBook holds more information 79 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,500 in less space than anything that's gone before. 80 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,767 What's more, the unique hard wearing cover means 81 00:03:31,867 --> 00:03:34,200 your writing is safe from anything the Roman world might throw at it. 82 00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,533 Well, within reason. 83 00:03:37,633 --> 00:03:40,633 Incredibly clever yet incredibly simple, 84 00:03:40,733 --> 00:03:43,600 aBook is the new book that rewrites the book on writing books. 85 00:03:45,867 --> 00:03:49,300 And coming soon from the makers of aBook, aNother Book. Oh, no. 86 00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:52,267 I just got used to using this one, and now they are 87 00:03:52,367 --> 00:03:53,933 bringing another one out. 88 00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:56,400 Typical. Ha-ha. Funny. 89 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,267 (MAN READING) 90 00:04:00,633 --> 00:04:04,000 Bonjour and welcome to Middle Ages France. 91 00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:07,567 Home to poor peasants like me and rich aristocrats like this prankster. 92 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:13,533 Woo-hoo! Hey. What's up, prank fans 93 00:04:13,633 --> 00:04:17,967 My name is Robert Artois and you are watching You've Been Artois'd. 94 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:21,500 The red-hot hidden camera show that is both rook and gnarly. 95 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,200 You see, I know those words. I am street no? 96 00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:24,400 Woo-hoo! That's right. 97 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,567 OK, as usual we have rigged up 98 00:04:29,667 --> 00:04:32,467 my beautiful French crib with the coolest most up to date 99 00:04:32,567 --> 00:04:35,067 pranking technologies the Middle Ages can offer. 100 00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:38,200 All we need now is some friends to come round, 101 00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:42,000 some dukes and duchesses, and then we crank up the pranks. 102 00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:44,033 All right, top of the pops. Let's go. 103 00:04:48,633 --> 00:04:52,067 Woo-hoo! Looks like we got a bag my prank friends. 104 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,000 Right there is Angelina, she's a good friend of mine, 105 00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:55,967 a real good friend of mine. 106 00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:58,533 She's also an honest to goodness princess, from the neighbouring county. 107 00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:00,067 Awesome. 108 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,667 Woo-hoo! Now what Angelina does not know is 109 00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:09,167 I have buried this clever water pipe in the middle of my garden path. 110 00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,633 It is specially designed to spray cold jets of water 111 00:05:11,733 --> 00:05:13,233 up ladies' dresses. 112 00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:14,367 Boom-boom bang-bang, baby. 113 00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:18,267 Ssh. 114 00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:23,000 (SHE SCREAMS) 115 00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:26,200 Yeah! Woo-hoo! Ha, ha. 116 00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:30,267 You've been Artois'd. What? You've been Artois'd. What do you mean? 117 00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:33,267 I mean you've been Artois'd, as in me, Robert Artois. 118 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,400 You know me, C'mon baby! 119 00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:37,600 We met at the Count De Crystal's dinner party. 120 00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,733 You looked so beautiful that night... with hair 121 00:05:39,833 --> 00:05:44,067 That is not important. What's important is you've been Artois'd. 122 00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:45,833 Why do you keep saying that? Because you've been Artois'd , girl. 123 00:05:45,933 --> 00:05:46,733 Awesome! 124 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,800 Woo-hoo. Look who else has popped by to say hi. 125 00:05:51,067 --> 00:05:52,400 It's my main man, the Portuguese ambassador. 126 00:05:54,733 --> 00:05:58,567 Boom, baby. It's my spitting statue. Oh! And hes fallen 127 00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:00,667 Excellent. Time for me to go and say hello. 128 00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:05,233 Ah, I will kill whoever did this 129 00:06:05,333 --> 00:06:07,467 Maybe I just leave it for a little bit, OK? OK. 130 00:06:09,967 --> 00:06:10,800 Ssh. 131 00:06:13,233 --> 00:06:15,633 Woo-hoo! Ha-ha. 132 00:06:15,733 --> 00:06:18,500 My best blood the Lord D'Enfry has just been Artois'd. 133 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,867 You've been Artois'd. 134 00:06:20,967 --> 00:06:23,267 I think I need a doctor. My leg is broken. 135 00:06:23,367 --> 00:06:26,000 All right! Top of the pops. 136 00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:30,900 OK, I think you will agree, 137 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,200 these dudes have made excellent sports, no? 138 00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:34,933 Ha-ho! High five, big brother. 139 00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:37,633 Who are you? Ok, then. 140 00:06:37,733 --> 00:06:39,600 Next week we have more fun, we have more pranks... 141 00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:45,500 Ha, you've been Artois'ded. It's Artois'd. Artois'd, yeah? 142 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:46,633 No, that is not cool. 143 00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:49,067 That is not cool. 144 00:06:51,467 --> 00:06:52,300 I thought you were my friend. 145 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,133 (MAN READING) 146 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:02,600 Ah, this is the life, isn't it? 147 00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:05,433 My own boy joining me in the family business. 148 00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:07,500 So proud of you, son. 149 00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:11,100 Right, let's get cracking. 150 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,433 This poo isn't going to shift itself. 151 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,767 Dad? Yes, son. 152 00:07:17,933 --> 00:07:19,633 I'm not sure this job's for me. 153 00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:21,100 Is it me? Is it my chatter? 154 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,600 I know I can go on a bit. 155 00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:23,667 No, Dad. It's not you. 156 00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:27,467 It's the poo. What about the poo Don't tell me you can't smell it 157 00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:29,900 No. 158 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,767 If I'm honest, 159 00:07:31,867 --> 00:07:33,100 when you first told me, I was going to be a gong farmer 160 00:07:33,967 --> 00:07:35,700 I pictured fields and fresh air. 161 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,600 Not this. 162 00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:39,567 Look, gong means poo 163 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,433 and your family has been shovelling it up for generations 164 00:07:43,967 --> 00:07:48,867 Plus, you get sixpence a day and it's a regular nine-to-five job. 165 00:07:48,967 --> 00:07:52,000 I mean, granted it is nine in the evening to five in the morning 166 00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:55,300 but you can't have everything, can you son, eh? It's no good, Dad. 167 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,300 Gong farming just isn't my thing 168 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,400 What are you going to do? 169 00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:01,700 My friend's dad is taking me on as an apprentice. He's a Tanner. 170 00:08:02,833 --> 00:08:05,733 A Tanner? I'm going to learn how to make leather. 171 00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:09,033 What about the family business? I'm sorry dad, I just don't want to work with poo. 172 00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:18,467 That's it, lad. Shove the dead animal skin right into the poo. 173 00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:19,500 Right, then. 174 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:22,533 Smells like it needs a bit more chicken poo. 175 00:08:31,033 --> 00:08:34,300 Did you know the stinky fumes were sometimes so bad, that gong farmers 176 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,100 passed out and drowned in poo. 177 00:08:37,900 --> 00:08:39,633 There's no nice way of writing that obituary, I can tell you. 178 00:08:40,733 --> 00:08:43,100 There was no sewer system in Tudor times. 179 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,100 Instead, toilet waste collected in cesspit's, 180 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,533 which sometimes had to be emptied out. 181 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,133 (KNOCKING) 182 00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:53,000 Your Highness, 183 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,167 honour that cannot be expressed in words and joy that cannot be. 184 00:08:58,267 --> 00:09:00,167 Yes, yes. Do you have a toilet? Your Majesty? 185 00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:04,267 Oh, come on, it's a perfectly simple question, Sir Thomas. 186 00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:07,100 Do you have a toilet? Yes, yes. It's up the stairs. 187 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,600 Excellent. Yes, this will do. 188 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,867 The toilets at Hampton Court 189 00:09:12,967 --> 00:09:16,300 are having their annual clear out, you see. Emptying out all of the um... 190 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:20,033 Oh, what's that word that queens don't say? Poo, Your Majesty. 191 00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:22,000 Exactly. The problem is it makes the whole palace 192 00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:24,200 rather smell of um... Say it. 193 00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:26,633 Poo, Your Majesty. Exactly. 194 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,600 Which is rather unpleasant on my delicate little nose. 195 00:09:29,700 --> 00:09:32,067 So, I thought, I might come and stay here. 196 00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:35,033 Of course, Your Majesty. For a couple of months. A couple of months? 197 00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:36,067 Is there a problem, Sir Thomas? 198 00:09:37,467 --> 00:09:39,933 Bearing in mind that I am the queen and everything. 199 00:09:40,033 --> 00:09:41,533 Not at all, Your Majesty. 200 00:09:41,633 --> 00:09:42,667 My house is your house. 201 00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,567 Well, it's not really, is it? 202 00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:47,733 Your house is much smaller 203 00:09:47,833 --> 00:09:50,033 and less impressive than my house, but at least it doesn't smell like 204 00:09:50,133 --> 00:09:52,200 Poo, Your Majesty. Exactly. 205 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,900 But does my queen not worry that 206 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,767 humble accommodation may simply not be big enough for us all? 207 00:09:58,867 --> 00:10:01,500 Hm, yes. You might be right. 208 00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:04,500 Right, well, you and your family had better clear off. 209 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,967 Go and live in a tent for a few weeks. 210 00:10:08,067 --> 00:10:11,733 I don't think... Excellent, then it's decided. 211 00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:15,167 I shall move in here with all of my furniture, servants and courtiers 212 00:10:15,267 --> 00:10:16,733 and you and your family shall go and live in the garden. 213 00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,167 Any questions? Well...Good. 214 00:10:20,633 --> 00:10:22,533 If there's anything else you need don't hesitate to... 215 00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:23,500 Key. 216 00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:25,333 Cheers. 217 00:10:29,133 --> 00:10:30,633 Well, it's always nice to have visitors. 218 00:10:32,233 --> 00:10:33,667 (WOMAN READING) 219 00:10:43,533 --> 00:10:45,100 It's false. 220 00:10:48,467 --> 00:10:49,533 Ugh! 221 00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:53,167 (MAN READING) 222 00:10:55,800 --> 00:11:00,267 Four eager chefs, four historical years, but just one prize. 223 00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:03,100 Who will be crowned Historical Master Chef? 224 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,967 We are looking for an exceptional cook, 225 00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:08,433 who does exceptional cooking, exceptionally. 226 00:11:10,033 --> 00:11:13,300 I'm shouting for no reason whatsoever. 227 00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:21,900 28-year-old Kamaho has come all the way from Mexico in the 1300s 228 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,867 and is hoping to wow the judges with some Aztec home cooking. 229 00:11:24,967 --> 00:11:27,500 So, Kamaho, what are you cooking for us today? 230 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,600 Argh! Well, I was going to do crickets as the starter. 231 00:11:31,967 --> 00:11:33,167 Oh, hang on, you've got one on your head. Don't move. 232 00:11:34,733 --> 00:11:36,233 Missed. No, I think you got him. 233 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,433 Now his starter has escaped, 234 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:42,700 Kamaho must impress the judges with the rest of his Aztec meal. 235 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,333 There are so many fantastic Aztec dishes to choose from. 236 00:11:45,433 --> 00:11:48,000 Iguana, salamander, howler monkey 237 00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:49,400 What's a howler monkey? 238 00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:55,300 It's a monkey whose howl is so loud, it can be heard three miles away. 239 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,767 Must be the loudest creature on Earth. It's one of them. 240 00:11:58,867 --> 00:12:00,767 What's that? Carrot. Yeah, I know. 241 00:12:00,867 --> 00:12:01,433 I was a greengrocer. 242 00:12:06,333 --> 00:12:10,033 Kamaho is serving up a main course of hot dog surprise. 243 00:12:10,133 --> 00:12:12,967 Now, I suppose the surprise is it's real dog. 244 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:14,200 No, no, no. Of course not. 245 00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,567 I mean, it is real dog. 246 00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:18,333 We Aztecs eat dog all the time, so that's not the surprise. 247 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:23,000 The surprise is, I stuffed the tortilla full of red-hot chillies. 248 00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:26,100 Argh! Argh! 249 00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:31,233 After the reception for his main course, 250 00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:33,433 Kamaho is pinning his hopes on his final dish. 251 00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:37,200 I'm getting freshness, I'm getting coolness. It's very soothing. 252 00:12:38,367 --> 00:12:42,133 What is it exactly? Frogs pawn with tadpoles and 253 00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:49,267 Kamaho, your starter went missing 254 00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:54,500 your main course was inedible, your dessert was untouchable. 255 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,833 But I really like what you've done to Gregg. 256 00:12:57,933 --> 00:13:01,667 Argh. For that reason, you're through to the next round. 257 00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:04,233 Congratulations. You agree, don't you? Ugh. That's a yes. 258 00:13:08,733 --> 00:13:12,300 The Aztecs used to eat a special breed of small dog which 259 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,033 had virtually no hair. The dogs didn't need it in the hot climate. 260 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,567 I ate some dog once, but I had trouble keeping it down. 261 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,867 Down boy, down. Ha, ha, ha! 262 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:24,333 Aztecs really did eat dog though as well as, howler monkeys 263 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,867 (LOUDLY) I've worked out why us howler monkeys keep getting hunted by Aztecs. 264 00:13:33,967 --> 00:13:36,300 (LOUDLY) Oh, have you? Whys that, then? 265 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:40,233 (LOUDLY) It's cos we make such a loud noise, we're easy to find 266 00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:42,233 (LOUDLY) Oh, I see. 267 00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:44,633 (LOUDLY) So that's why we're whispering. 268 00:13:44,733 --> 00:13:45,600 (LOUDLY) Precisely. 269 00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:52,100 (MAN READING) 270 00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:55,533 ANNOUNCER: The comfiest of beds. 271 00:13:57,767 --> 00:14:01,900 The tastiest of food, and 5 star service. 272 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,367 Stay here and you won't want to leave. 273 00:14:04,233 --> 00:14:06,533 In fact, you won't be able to. 274 00:14:06,633 --> 00:14:09,100 It's a prison. 275 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,833 Yes, here at Newgate Prison, 276 00:14:11,933 --> 00:14:14,900 you'll be able to enjoy the utmost Georgian luxury. 277 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,333 As long as you've got the money to pay for it. 278 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,667 ANNOUNCER: Yes, in return for a simple bribe, they'll unlock your manacles 279 00:14:20,767 --> 00:14:21,567 for a while, 280 00:14:23,367 --> 00:14:24,800 let you receive visitors in your private room 281 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,400 and even let you keep pets. 282 00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:30,900 I'd like a pig. 283 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,867 Pigs aren't allowed, filthy animals. 284 00:14:33,967 --> 00:14:38,433 In fact, here at Newgate Prison you can live in comfort and luxury. 285 00:14:38,533 --> 00:14:40,067 As long as you don't run out of cash. 286 00:14:40,933 --> 00:14:42,967 Right then, you. 287 00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:45,733 Let's get you out of this private room, get you in a crowded cell, 288 00:14:45,833 --> 00:14:46,500 with the rest of the criminals. 289 00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:48,167 C'mon! 290 00:14:50,267 --> 00:14:53,000 You're in luck, a room's just become available. 291 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,433 Ha-ha, ha, ha, 292 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,733 ANNOUNCER: Newgate Prison. 293 00:14:57,833 --> 00:14:59,167 Book early to avoid disappointment 294 00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,600 If you couldn't afford the nice rooms, 295 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,267 conditions in Newgate were quite disgusting. 296 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,700 The prison was riddled with lice and fleas and, believe me, 297 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,400 I know what that feels like. Oh! 298 00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:16,167 Oh! So Newgate was the most famous Georgian prison, 299 00:15:16,267 --> 00:15:19,767 time to meet the most famous Georgian criminal - Dick Turpin. 300 00:15:19,867 --> 00:15:21,133 Ow, ow, ow! No biting, no biting 301 00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:28,667 Everyone thinks they know the story, of Dick Turpin's highway glory. 302 00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:30,700 But my past is far more gory, I was no saint. 303 00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:35,300 You think life is one big antic, My profession is romantic. 304 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,767 Hate to be pedantic, But it ain't. 305 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:48,667 Ho! As a butcher down in Essex, I was handy with a knife. 306 00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:52,367 Had a side-line as a poacher, Led a less than honest life. 307 00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:55,633 The notorious gang of Gregory, Liked my style and dedication. 308 00:15:55,733 --> 00:15:58,800 They signed me up and gave me, a real robber's education. 309 00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:00,033 We rampaged through the Essex farms, 310 00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:02,400 We stole and robbed and fought, 311 00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:05,600 But when the law came for us, I escaped and they got caught. 312 00:16:05,700 --> 00:16:12,533 I became a highway man, Was daylight robbery. Ho! 313 00:16:12,633 --> 00:16:19,267 I was no Prince Charming, Nothing dandy about me. Ho! 314 00:16:19,367 --> 00:16:22,533 The truth is I was violent, And with my good mate Matt King 315 00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:25,533 Robbed travellers at gunpoint, Money, watches, anything. 316 00:16:25,633 --> 00:16:27,600 My horse, it wasn't called Black Bess 317 00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:30,267 Although that's what you've read Was no romantic hero 318 00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:32,733 Shot not one but two men dead 319 00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:36,167 The legend that surrounds me, Misses out the crucial part 320 00:16:36,267 --> 00:16:39,367 I was a ruthless killer, With a ruthless killer's heart. 321 00:16:39,467 --> 00:16:45,900 Was a vicious highwayman A source of pain and tears. Ho! 322 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:52,833 When you hear how my story ends, you won't believe your ears. Ho! 323 00:16:52,933 --> 00:16:56,267 I ran away to Yorkshire, Changed my name to John Palmer 324 00:16:56,367 --> 00:16:59,433 Was sent to prison after, stealing chickens from a farmer 325 00:16:59,533 --> 00:17:02,700 Wrote a letter to my family, A plea it did relate 326 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:06,167 The postman saw the envelope, And here's the twist of fate 327 00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:09,700 He had taught me how to write, So he knew I'd lied 328 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,400 "That's not John Palmer's hand, That's Dick Turpin's," he cried 329 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:19,133 Was a vicious highwayman My crimes had brought me fame. Ho! 330 00:17:19,233 --> 00:17:22,100 Was stitched up by a postie, 331 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:26,567 That's not glamorous, that's lame. Ho! 332 00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:32,867 No more stand and deliver, You'll remember this, I hope. Ho! 333 00:17:32,967 --> 00:17:36,200 It's no fun hanging, with highwaymen 334 00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:37,667 When you're hanging from a rope. 335 00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:45,167 (MAN READING) 336 00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:48,600 (NARRATOR READING) 337 00:18:02,033 --> 00:18:03,267 Ooh, thank you very much. 338 00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:17,867 If you got injured in Viking Times, We had some pretty strange ways of 339 00:18:17,967 --> 00:18:18,767 making you better. 340 00:18:22,033 --> 00:18:23,100 All right, all right. Don't worry. 341 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,000 An ambulance is going to be here soon. 342 00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:28,433 Make way, make way, woman. 343 00:18:28,533 --> 00:18:31,000 Historical paramedics. You don't look like paramedics. We're Vikings. 344 00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:33,100 Don't worry, we're very advanced 345 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,567 That's right! We can handle anything, from setting broken bones, 346 00:18:35,667 --> 00:18:38,133 to delivering babies, and surgery to magic spells. 347 00:18:38,233 --> 00:18:40,300 Sorry, What was the last bit? 348 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,200 It doesn't matter, what's important is we save your little man friend 349 00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:43,833 He's been stabbed. I don't think he has. 350 00:18:43,933 --> 00:18:45,367 We need to clean the wound. No, no, no 351 00:18:45,467 --> 00:18:47,500 First things first. He could have been cursed. 352 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,233 We need the healing stone from the blade of the sword, 353 00:18:49,333 --> 00:18:50,933 that stabbed him up. 354 00:18:51,033 --> 00:18:52,267 It wasn't a sword. He fell off his bike. 355 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,633 Ah, try this. It might work. 356 00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:58,733 No, it's not working, Nigel. 357 00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:01,367 We need blood. We need blood! What, you mean a transfusion? 358 00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:04,033 No, we simply need blood from a bull that this little man has killed 359 00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:06,267 then we spread it over the hillside, over there 360 00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:08,100 and leave meat as an offering for the elves, that live there 361 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,467 Only their magic can save us now. 362 00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:10,667 He hasn't killed a bull. 363 00:19:12,033 --> 00:19:13,367 Really? What do you people do all day? 364 00:19:15,267 --> 00:19:17,933 Geoff, I think it's getting worse, this wound could be deep 365 00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:20,467 He urgently needs soup. No, he needs hospital. 366 00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:22,367 Will you stop making words up and just listen to me? 367 00:19:22,467 --> 00:19:25,100 We feed him a soup made of onions, leeks and herbs. 368 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,167 Then we sniff the wound. If we can smell the soup, 369 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,200 that means the belly is punctured. Punctured. 370 00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,967 If we can't smell the soup, that means the wound 371 00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:31,767 isn't as severe as we first thought 372 00:19:33,233 --> 00:19:33,767 No, I can't smell anything. 373 00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:38,067 Shall we do a blood test to be sure? That sounds sensible. 374 00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:40,733 Nigel, Start licking his shirt. But clearly isn't. 375 00:19:40,833 --> 00:19:43,867 Internal wound blood tastes different to that of a flesh wound. 376 00:19:43,967 --> 00:19:46,700 We can determine how serious the wound is by tasting the blood. 377 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:51,067 Well? Strawberry. Ooh, it's nice. 378 00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:52,800 But it's not blood. He's just dropped his ice cream, hasn't he? 379 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,533 He lives! Good work, Geoff. 380 00:19:58,633 --> 00:20:01,133 Now, let us carve runic symbols into a whalebone to ensure 381 00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:02,633 this young man's good health. 382 00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:07,367 (THEY CHANT AND SING) 383 00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:09,767 (SIRENS WAIL) 384 00:20:09,867 --> 00:20:13,733 Sounds like a proper ambulance. We'd best go. Run away, run away! 385 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,733 Excuse me, sir. Oh, no. 386 00:20:18,867 --> 00:20:21,100 Jane bring the Medi kit. 387 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,500 Oh, and some stain remover. 388 00:20:25,133 --> 00:20:27,267 (MAN READING) 389 00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:33,200 Polite Victorian society had lots of rules of etiquette 390 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,633 which dictated how men and women should behave towards each other 391 00:20:35,733 --> 00:20:37,000 Good day. 392 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,533 I just left the pheasant where it was and shocked Mr. 393 00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:46,700 Oh, Mr Darbley, I've never known such a great wit. 394 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,933 Oh, you're too kind. 395 00:20:49,033 --> 00:20:52,000 Well, this looks as good a spot as any. Oh, yes, it's perfect. 396 00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:54,300 I must say, Miss Pennywhistle, 397 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:55,600 you really are the most pleasant of company. 398 00:20:57,100 --> 00:21:00,333 Charming of character, bright of mind and with 399 00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:01,667 as pretty a smile as I have ever 400 00:21:03,167 --> 00:21:04,800 I have never known such rudeness 401 00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:10,033 Sitting next to a lady in the countryside is entirely improper. 402 00:21:10,133 --> 00:21:13,867 The very height of Victorian rudeness. I'm sorry. 403 00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:17,267 Perhaps this humble sandwich would serve by way of an apology. 404 00:21:19,033 --> 00:21:21,533 Perhaps. What, pray tell, is in the sandwich? 405 00:21:21,633 --> 00:21:22,367 Cheese and onion. 406 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,833 Rudeness that cannot be counted on one's fingers or measured 407 00:21:26,933 --> 00:21:28,567 in one's heart. What now? 408 00:21:29,767 --> 00:21:32,367 Cheese and onion, Mr Darbley? 409 00:21:32,467 --> 00:21:34,800 There is nothing more rude in polite Victorian society 410 00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:36,767 than for a man to smell of onion 411 00:21:36,867 --> 00:21:38,067 Yes, of course. 412 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,033 Well, happily there are plenty of non-onion 413 00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:43,067 based delights within the hamper 414 00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:47,400 I'll just attend to this slight nose bleed, you've appeared to have 415 00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:51,767 caused and I'll... Oh, what? Rudeness beyond human comprehension. 416 00:21:51,867 --> 00:21:55,067 Come on! Blowing your nose in public is the height of bad manners. 417 00:21:56,300 --> 00:21:57,800 As it would seem are most things Miss Pennywhistle, 418 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:02,567 May I ask where polite Victorian society stands on apple pie? 419 00:22:04,167 --> 00:22:06,133 Apple pie? 420 00:22:06,233 --> 00:22:08,867 Is it considered discourteous, offensive or uncultured? 421 00:22:08,967 --> 00:22:10,867 Well, no. 422 00:22:10,967 --> 00:22:13,633 Is it rude, ill-mannered, 423 00:22:13,733 --> 00:22:18,333 improper or in discrete? I don't believe so, no. 424 00:22:18,433 --> 00:22:20,667 So just to clarify, you have no objection whatsoever to apple pie? 425 00:22:21,533 --> 00:22:22,500 No, of course not. 426 00:22:23,367 --> 00:22:24,167 Good. 427 00:22:28,267 --> 00:22:29,100 Just be thankful I forgot the cream. 428 00:22:33,167 --> 00:22:34,100 Well, he's the rudest man I've ever met. 429 00:22:37,667 --> 00:22:38,400 But he sure can bake. 430 00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:41,000 (WOMAN READING) 431 00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:47,367 It's true. 432 00:22:55,267 --> 00:22:57,733 Yes, life in Victorian England could be quite complicated. 433 00:23:00,167 --> 00:23:04,567 Lady Penelope, we've been courting for ten years now 434 00:23:04,667 --> 00:23:07,267 and there's something I must say to you as a matter of urgency. 435 00:23:08,133 --> 00:23:09,700 Yes, Lord Percival, say it 436 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:11,500 and say it now, 437 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,633 for if my heart beats any faster I will surely faint. 438 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:20,233 I...Yes? I...Yes? I...Yes? 439 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:22,367 Lost for words? 440 00:23:23,333 --> 00:23:24,633 Then why not say it with flowers 441 00:23:26,033 --> 00:23:28,900 With the new Victorian floral messaging system 442 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,867 you can literally say it with flowers, because each flowers 443 00:23:31,967 --> 00:23:32,700 means a different thing, yeah? 444 00:23:33,733 --> 00:23:35,733 A red tulip means I love you. 445 00:23:35,833 --> 00:23:38,167 A forget-me-not means true love. 446 00:23:38,267 --> 00:23:41,400 A cactus flower means I really love you. 447 00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:43,600 Whatever you need to say, say it with flowers. 448 00:23:45,100 --> 00:23:46,567 Do you by any chance have one that means "I love someone else"? 449 00:23:48,533 --> 00:23:50,100 And another that means "and it's your best friend"? 450 00:23:50,900 --> 00:23:55,100 I can do you a hyacinth. 451 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,533 I'll take all you've got. Or for you, an orange lily. 452 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,400 Just give me the cactus. You! 453 00:24:02,233 --> 00:24:04,433 Whatever you need to say, 454 00:24:04,533 --> 00:24:07,767 say it with flowers, with the new Victorian floral messaging system 455 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,267 Well, I think I got that message 456 00:24:12,133 --> 00:24:13,600 Anyone got any tweezers? 457 00:24:17,333 --> 00:24:20,500 The Victorian language of flowers is known as floriography 458 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:25,033 And here's another example, a dried-out white rose meant, 459 00:24:25,133 --> 00:24:27,100 "I'd rather be dead than go out with you". 460 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,333 Well, either that or "I can't afford a new rose". 461 00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:33,267 (MAN READING) 462 00:24:35,367 --> 00:24:38,300 NARRATOR: The famous Battle of the Somme in 1916 463 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:39,833 was supposed to be the campaign that would finish 464 00:24:39,933 --> 00:24:41,933 the First World War for good. 465 00:24:42,033 --> 00:24:43,367 But that's not quite how it turned out 466 00:24:45,467 --> 00:24:48,233 Ah, Corporal. Do you have an update for me? 467 00:24:48,333 --> 00:24:51,633 I'm pleased to report, sir, that the Somme campaign is finally over. 468 00:24:51,733 --> 00:24:54,633 Brilliant. I told you my World War one trend warfare tactics 469 00:24:54,733 --> 00:24:55,400 were state of the art. 470 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,700 So, how much land have we taken back off those dastardly Germans? 471 00:25:00,967 --> 00:25:02,333 Well, sir, we have pushed the enemy back... 472 00:25:05,133 --> 00:25:06,467 Two miles. Two? 473 00:25:07,333 --> 00:25:08,667 Oh, that's not very much, is it? 474 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,367 Well, progress nevertheless, 475 00:25:12,700 --> 00:25:14,200 I think we should celebrate a job well done. 476 00:25:15,033 --> 00:25:15,800 It has taken five months, sir. 477 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:19,133 It's always the negatives with you, isn't it, Corporal? 478 00:25:20,100 --> 00:25:22,233 Modern warfare takes time, man. 479 00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:24,633 It's cost us 620,000 men, sir. 480 00:25:25,467 --> 00:25:29,267 Oh, that is rather a lot, isn't 481 00:25:29,367 --> 00:25:32,567 But on the plus side we are two miles nearer to Berlin, what? 482 00:25:32,667 --> 00:25:34,700 How much further to go? 490 miles, sir. 483 00:25:36,100 --> 00:25:38,733 I see. So we've only moved two miles in five months. 484 00:25:40,333 --> 00:25:43,900 At this rate we should be in Berlin by, don't tell me 485 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:48,167 490 divided by two, times by five, carry over the do-dah 486 00:25:48,267 --> 00:25:49,833 and that what's-my-face. 487 00:25:49,933 --> 00:25:51,000 It's over 100 years, sir. 488 00:25:52,100 --> 00:25:55,800 Oh, well, we won't be alive then, will we? 489 00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:57,233 Not with you in charge, sir, no. 490 00:26:04,100 --> 00:26:05,133 Not as tasty as it looks. 491 00:26:08,767 --> 00:26:12,167 In World War One, bombs used the explosive TNT which is made from 492 00:26:12,267 --> 00:26:15,100 glycerine which comes from fat. 493 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,800 So during the war we needed lots and lots of fat. Yuk! 494 00:26:19,867 --> 00:26:23,233 (WOMAN READING) 495 00:26:23,333 --> 00:26:26,733 Hello. I'm the Fat King. I know what you're thinking. 496 00:26:26,833 --> 00:26:29,067 He's not fat, he's not a king. Well, you're right on both counts. 497 00:26:30,733 --> 00:26:33,767 They call me that because I'm the boss here, and this is my fat factory 498 00:26:33,867 --> 00:26:37,800 (WOMAN READING) 499 00:26:37,900 --> 00:26:41,033 Yes, come down to our fat extraction factory, where we will even turn your 500 00:26:41,133 --> 00:26:43,200 animal poo into fat. 501 00:26:43,300 --> 00:26:47,867 Bring us a big smelly cowpat and let us turn it into fat at... 502 00:26:47,967 --> 00:26:50,367 (WOMAN READING) 503 00:26:51,467 --> 00:26:53,933 We'll even convert your waste food into fat. 504 00:26:54,033 --> 00:26:56,733 Don't leave food stuff for the rat 505 00:26:56,833 --> 00:26:58,833 When we can turn it into fat at... 506 00:26:58,933 --> 00:27:01,300 (WOMAN READING) 507 00:27:02,700 --> 00:27:04,067 You'll be surprised with what we can turn into fat. 508 00:27:05,333 --> 00:27:07,467 We'll even take your dead horse. 509 00:27:07,567 --> 00:27:10,067 If your horse was hit by a German shell 510 00:27:10,167 --> 00:27:12,433 Bring him here when he starts to smell 511 00:27:12,533 --> 00:27:15,367 We'll melt him down It won't take long 512 00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:18,500 And stick his remains in a big old bomb. 513 00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:22,167 The Germans will be surprised when we fire old Dobbin back at them. 514 00:27:22,267 --> 00:27:23,567 So don't delay, come to the... 515 00:27:23,667 --> 00:27:25,800 (WOMAN READING) 516 00:27:25,900 --> 00:27:26,700 Today! 517 00:27:31,700 --> 00:27:35,067 Girls! You're not filming, are 518 00:27:35,167 --> 00:27:36,800 * Tall tales, Atrocious acts, 519 00:27:36,900 --> 00:27:37,867 * We gave you all the fearsome facts 520 00:27:37,967 --> 00:27:39,333 * The ugly truth no glam or glee 521 00:27:39,433 --> 00:27:40,700 * We showed you all the juicy bits 522 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:43,333 * Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel 523 00:27:43,433 --> 00:27:46,000 * Stuff they don't teach you at school 524 00:27:46,100 --> 00:27:49,167 * The past is no longer a mystery 525 00:27:49,267 --> 00:27:53,467 * Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories * 42268

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