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* Terrible Tudors,
Gorgeous Georgians
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00:00:03,567 --> 00:00:04,967
* Slimy Stuarts,
Vile Victorians
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00:00:05,067 --> 00:00:06,100
* Woeful wars,
Ferocious fights
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00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:08,300
* Dingy castles,
Daring knights
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00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,900
* Horrors that defy description,
Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians
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00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,167
* Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes,
Punishment from ancient times!
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* Roman, rotten,
rank and ruthless
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00:00:14,667 --> 00:00:15,733
* Cavemen, savage,
fierce and toothless
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00:00:15,833 --> 00:00:17,167
* Groovy Greeks,
Brainy sages
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00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,267
* Mean and measly Middle Ages
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00:00:18,367 --> 00:00:20,933
* Gory stories, we do that
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00:00:21,033 --> 00:00:23,833
* And your host a talking rat
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00:00:23,933 --> 00:00:27,033
* The past is no longer
a mystery
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00:00:27,133 --> 00:00:31,800
* Welcome to
Horrible Histories *
15
00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:35,767
(MAN READING)
16
00:00:39,067 --> 00:00:41,300
NARRATOR: The mighty Roman army
defeated all who stood
in their ways
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00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,333
as they marched through Europe
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00:00:43,433 --> 00:00:45,800
and generals who were
outstanding in battle
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00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:47,767
were honoured with a victory
parade called a Roman Triumph.
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00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:53,400
4,996. What are we on, Calculus?
21
00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:56,467
4,996 barbarians killed, sir.
22
00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:58,467
What about that one
there with the axe?
23
00:00:58,567 --> 00:00:59,900
I can't give you that one, sir.
He's still moving.
24
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:00,933
(SOLDIER SCREAMS)
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00:01:01,033 --> 00:01:01,967
You can now.
26
00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:04,667
4,997.
27
00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:07,333
This will be the first time
I've ever killed 5,000 enemies
in one battle
28
00:01:08,333 --> 00:01:10,500
and qualified
for a Roman Triumph.
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00:01:11,267 --> 00:01:13,167
Just need three more. Ha!
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00:01:14,833 --> 00:01:17,367
Two more and then yours truly
will be parading in a chariot
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00:01:17,467 --> 00:01:19,000
through the streets of Rome
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00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:20,433
to the wild adulation
of the crowds
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00:01:21,433 --> 00:01:23,100
(MIMICKING CROWD CHEERING)
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00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,733
Oh, please. Oh, please.
35
00:01:24,833 --> 00:01:25,800
(MIMICKING CROWD CHEERING)
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(SOLDIER SCREAMS)
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00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:30,233
Ooh, is that one there?
Yes, I'll give you that.
38
00:01:30,333 --> 00:01:32,967
He's moving, but realistically
he's not going anywhere
without his head.
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00:01:33,067 --> 00:01:34,767
4,999.
40
00:01:35,467 --> 00:01:37,333
Get in! Come on!
41
00:01:37,433 --> 00:01:38,267
One more.
42
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:41,067
The might of Rome is too much.
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00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:43,300
We surrender.
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00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,767
What's that?
You refuse to surrender?
45
00:01:46,867 --> 00:01:47,600
Carry on fighting, everyone.
46
00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:50,767
The battle is over.
You have won this day.
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00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:55,733
Ha, look he threw
his weapons at me.
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00:01:55,833 --> 00:01:58,167
Fight on, men.
49
00:01:58,267 --> 00:02:00,600
No, General, he's surrendered.
La, la, la. I can't hear you.
50
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,100
Keep fighting. La, la, la, la
51
00:02:03,433 --> 00:02:05,667
General, we can't keep fighting
them if they've surrendered.
52
00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:08,000
I only need one more death
to get my Triumph, my parade.
53
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:11,700
Just write one down there,
will you?
Look, that one looks dead there.
54
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,100
He's waving.
55
00:02:15,733 --> 00:02:17,300
Are you going to help me or not?
56
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,600
I will not lie on my
battle report
57
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:22,133
You're either with me
or against me.
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00:02:25,167 --> 00:02:26,467
Thank you.
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00:02:27,767 --> 00:02:31,167
And one more enemy dead,
makes 5,000. Yay!
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00:02:32,433 --> 00:02:33,233
5,000.
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00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:35,033
Got 5,000.
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00:02:36,733 --> 00:02:39,233
How did we lose to this lot?
5,000, 5,000.
Come on, everybody.
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00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,133
5,000.
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00:02:41,933 --> 00:02:43,133
If you were awarded
a Roman Triumph,
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00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:45,733
you paraded through the
streets of Rome on a chariot.
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00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:48,500
You can read all about it
in a book.
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00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:50,467
That's right, a book.
68
00:02:51,433 --> 00:02:52,800
An exciting new Roman invention.
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00:02:54,233 --> 00:02:56,767
Intuitive, revolutionary.
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00:02:56,867 --> 00:02:58,867
Ancient Rome is delighted
to announce
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00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:03,467
the launch of the all new aBook,
the take-anywhere
reading solution.
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00:03:03,567 --> 00:03:07,333
aBook is amazing. Up until now
the only way to get your poetry
73
00:03:07,433 --> 00:03:10,333
to the masses was by
writing it down on
long awkward scrolls
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00:03:10,433 --> 00:03:12,800
Or by shouting really loud.
75
00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:15,033
Now aBook has changed all that.
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00:03:15,133 --> 00:03:17,833
With new aBook you simply
turn the page,
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00:03:17,933 --> 00:03:21,800
using the unique turnable pages
to reveal new information.
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00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:26,200
By writing data on both sides
of the page, new aBook holds
more information
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00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,500
in less space than anything
that's gone before.
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00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,767
What's more,
the unique hard wearing
cover means
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00:03:31,867 --> 00:03:34,200
your writing is safe from
anything the Roman world
might throw at it.
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00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,533
Well, within reason.
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00:03:37,633 --> 00:03:40,633
Incredibly clever
yet incredibly simple,
84
00:03:40,733 --> 00:03:43,600
aBook is the new book that
rewrites the book
on writing books.
85
00:03:45,867 --> 00:03:49,300
And coming soon from the makers
of aBook, aNother Book. Oh, no.
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00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:52,267
I just got used to using this
one, and now they are
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00:03:52,367 --> 00:03:53,933
bringing another one out.
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00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:56,400
Typical. Ha-ha. Funny.
89
00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,267
(MAN READING)
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00:04:00,633 --> 00:04:04,000
Bonjour and welcome
to Middle Ages France.
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00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:07,567
Home to poor peasants like me
and rich aristocrats
like this prankster.
92
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:13,533
Woo-hoo! Hey.
What's up, prank fans
93
00:04:13,633 --> 00:04:17,967
My name is Robert Artois
and you are watching
You've Been Artois'd.
94
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:21,500
The red-hot hidden camera show
that is both rook and gnarly.
95
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,200
You see, I know those words.
I am street no?
96
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:24,400
Woo-hoo! That's right.
97
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,567
OK, as usual we have rigged up
98
00:04:29,667 --> 00:04:32,467
my beautiful French crib with
the coolest most up to date
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00:04:32,567 --> 00:04:35,067
pranking technologies
the Middle Ages can offer.
100
00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:38,200
All we need now
is some friends to come round,
101
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:42,000
some dukes and duchesses,
and then we crank up the pranks.
102
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:44,033
All right, top of the pops.
Let's go.
103
00:04:48,633 --> 00:04:52,067
Woo-hoo! Looks like we got a bag
my prank friends.
104
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,000
Right there is Angelina,
she's a good friend of mine,
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00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:55,967
a real good friend of mine.
106
00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:58,533
She's also an honest to goodness
princess, from the
neighbouring county.
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00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:00,067
Awesome.
108
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,667
Woo-hoo! Now what Angelina
does not know is
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00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:09,167
I have buried this clever
water pipe in the middle of my
garden path.
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00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,633
It is specially designed
to spray cold jets of water
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00:05:11,733 --> 00:05:13,233
up ladies' dresses.
112
00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:14,367
Boom-boom bang-bang, baby.
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00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:18,267
Ssh.
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00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:23,000
(SHE SCREAMS)
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00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:26,200
Yeah! Woo-hoo! Ha, ha.
116
00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:30,267
You've been Artois'd.
What? You've been Artois'd.
What do you mean?
117
00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:33,267
I mean you've been Artois'd,
as in me, Robert Artois.
118
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,400
You know me,
C'mon baby!
119
00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:37,600
We met at the
Count De Crystal's dinner party.
120
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,733
You looked so beautiful
that night... with hair
121
00:05:39,833 --> 00:05:44,067
That is not important.
What's important is
you've been Artois'd.
122
00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:45,833
Why do you keep saying that?
Because you've been
Artois'd , girl.
123
00:05:45,933 --> 00:05:46,733
Awesome!
124
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,800
Woo-hoo. Look who else
has popped by to say hi.
125
00:05:51,067 --> 00:05:52,400
It's my main man,
the Portuguese ambassador.
126
00:05:54,733 --> 00:05:58,567
Boom, baby. It's my spitting
statue. Oh! And hes fallen
127
00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:00,667
Excellent. Time for me
to go and say hello.
128
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:05,233
Ah, I will kill whoever did this
129
00:06:05,333 --> 00:06:07,467
Maybe I just leave it
for a little bit, OK? OK.
130
00:06:09,967 --> 00:06:10,800
Ssh.
131
00:06:13,233 --> 00:06:15,633
Woo-hoo! Ha-ha.
132
00:06:15,733 --> 00:06:18,500
My best blood the Lord D'Enfry
has just been Artois'd.
133
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,867
You've been Artois'd.
134
00:06:20,967 --> 00:06:23,267
I think I need a doctor.
My leg is broken.
135
00:06:23,367 --> 00:06:26,000
All right! Top of the pops.
136
00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:30,900
OK, I think you will agree,
137
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,200
these dudes have made
excellent sports, no?
138
00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:34,933
Ha-ho! High five, big brother.
139
00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:37,633
Who are you? Ok, then.
140
00:06:37,733 --> 00:06:39,600
Next week we have more fun,
we have more pranks...
141
00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:45,500
Ha, you've been Artois'ded.
It's Artois'd. Artois'd, yeah?
142
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:46,633
No, that is not cool.
143
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:49,067
That is not cool.
144
00:06:51,467 --> 00:06:52,300
I thought you were my friend.
145
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,133
(MAN READING)
146
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:02,600
Ah, this is the life, isn't it?
147
00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:05,433
My own boy joining me
in the family business.
148
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:07,500
So proud of you, son.
149
00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:11,100
Right, let's get cracking.
150
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,433
This poo isn't going to
shift itself.
151
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,767
Dad? Yes, son.
152
00:07:17,933 --> 00:07:19,633
I'm not sure this job's for me.
153
00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:21,100
Is it me? Is it my chatter?
154
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,600
I know I can go on a bit.
155
00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:23,667
No, Dad. It's not you.
156
00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:27,467
It's the poo. What about the poo
Don't tell me you can't smell it
157
00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:29,900
No.
158
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,767
If I'm honest,
159
00:07:31,867 --> 00:07:33,100
when you first told me,
I was going to be a gong farmer
160
00:07:33,967 --> 00:07:35,700
I pictured fields and fresh air.
161
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,600
Not this.
162
00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:39,567
Look, gong means poo
163
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,433
and your family has been
shovelling it up for generations
164
00:07:43,967 --> 00:07:48,867
Plus, you get sixpence a day
and it's a regular
nine-to-five job.
165
00:07:48,967 --> 00:07:52,000
I mean, granted it is nine
in the evening to five
in the morning
166
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:55,300
but you can't have everything,
can you son, eh?
It's no good, Dad.
167
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,300
Gong farming just isn't my thing
168
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,400
What are you going to do?
169
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:01,700
My friend's dad is taking me on
as an apprentice. He's a Tanner.
170
00:08:02,833 --> 00:08:05,733
A Tanner? I'm going to learn
how to make leather.
171
00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:09,033
What about the family business?
I'm sorry dad, I just don't want
to work with poo.
172
00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:18,467
That's it, lad. Shove the dead
animal skin right into the poo.
173
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:19,500
Right, then.
174
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:22,533
Smells like it needs
a bit more chicken poo.
175
00:08:31,033 --> 00:08:34,300
Did you know the stinky fumes
were sometimes so bad,
that gong farmers
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00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,100
passed out and drowned in poo.
177
00:08:37,900 --> 00:08:39,633
There's no nice way of writing
that obituary, I can tell you.
178
00:08:40,733 --> 00:08:43,100
There was no sewer system in
Tudor times.
179
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,100
Instead, toilet waste collected
in cesspit's,
180
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,533
which sometimes
had to be emptied out.
181
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,133
(KNOCKING)
182
00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:53,000
Your Highness,
183
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,167
honour that cannot be expressed
in words and joy that cannot be.
184
00:08:58,267 --> 00:09:00,167
Yes, yes. Do you have a toilet?
Your Majesty?
185
00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:04,267
Oh, come on, it's a perfectly
simple question, Sir Thomas.
186
00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:07,100
Do you have a toilet?
Yes, yes. It's up the stairs.
187
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,600
Excellent. Yes, this will do.
188
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,867
The toilets at Hampton Court
189
00:09:12,967 --> 00:09:16,300
are having their annual
clear out, you see. Emptying out
all of the um...
190
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:20,033
Oh, what's that word that queens
don't say? Poo, Your Majesty.
191
00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:22,000
Exactly. The problem is
it makes the whole palace
192
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:24,200
rather smell of um... Say it.
193
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:26,633
Poo, Your Majesty. Exactly.
194
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,600
Which is rather unpleasant
on my delicate little nose.
195
00:09:29,700 --> 00:09:32,067
So, I thought, I might come
and stay here.
196
00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:35,033
Of course, Your Majesty.
For a couple of months.
A couple of months?
197
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:36,067
Is there a problem, Sir Thomas?
198
00:09:37,467 --> 00:09:39,933
Bearing in mind that I am
the queen and everything.
199
00:09:40,033 --> 00:09:41,533
Not at all, Your Majesty.
200
00:09:41,633 --> 00:09:42,667
My house is your house.
201
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,567
Well, it's not really, is it?
202
00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:47,733
Your house is much smaller
203
00:09:47,833 --> 00:09:50,033
and less impressive than
my house, but at least
it doesn't smell like
204
00:09:50,133 --> 00:09:52,200
Poo, Your Majesty. Exactly.
205
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,900
But does my queen not worry that
206
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,767
humble accommodation may simply
not be big enough for us all?
207
00:09:58,867 --> 00:10:01,500
Hm, yes. You might be right.
208
00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:04,500
Right, well, you and your
family had better clear off.
209
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,967
Go and live in a
tent for a few weeks.
210
00:10:08,067 --> 00:10:11,733
I don't think...
Excellent, then it's decided.
211
00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:15,167
I shall move in here
with all of my furniture,
servants and courtiers
212
00:10:15,267 --> 00:10:16,733
and you and your family shall
go and live in the garden.
213
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,167
Any questions? Well...Good.
214
00:10:20,633 --> 00:10:22,533
If there's anything else
you need don't hesitate to...
215
00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:23,500
Key.
216
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:25,333
Cheers.
217
00:10:29,133 --> 00:10:30,633
Well, it's always nice
to have visitors.
218
00:10:32,233 --> 00:10:33,667
(WOMAN READING)
219
00:10:43,533 --> 00:10:45,100
It's false.
220
00:10:48,467 --> 00:10:49,533
Ugh!
221
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:53,167
(MAN READING)
222
00:10:55,800 --> 00:11:00,267
Four eager chefs,
four historical years, but just
one prize.
223
00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:03,100
Who will be crowned
Historical Master Chef?
224
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,967
We are looking for an
exceptional cook,
225
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:08,433
who does exceptional cooking,
exceptionally.
226
00:11:10,033 --> 00:11:13,300
I'm shouting
for no reason whatsoever.
227
00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:21,900
28-year-old Kamaho has come all
the way from Mexico in the 1300s
228
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,867
and is hoping to wow the judges
with some Aztec home cooking.
229
00:11:24,967 --> 00:11:27,500
So, Kamaho, what are
you cooking for us today?
230
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,600
Argh! Well, I was going to
do crickets as the starter.
231
00:11:31,967 --> 00:11:33,167
Oh, hang on, you've got one
on your head. Don't move.
232
00:11:34,733 --> 00:11:36,233
Missed. No, I think you got him.
233
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,433
Now his starter has escaped,
234
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:42,700
Kamaho must impress the judges
with the rest of his Aztec meal.
235
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,333
There are so many fantastic
Aztec dishes to choose from.
236
00:11:45,433 --> 00:11:48,000
Iguana, salamander,
howler monkey
237
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:49,400
What's a howler monkey?
238
00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:55,300
It's a monkey whose howl is
so loud, it can be heard
three miles away.
239
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,767
Must be the loudest creature
on Earth. It's one of them.
240
00:11:58,867 --> 00:12:00,767
What's that? Carrot.
Yeah, I know.
241
00:12:00,867 --> 00:12:01,433
I was a greengrocer.
242
00:12:06,333 --> 00:12:10,033
Kamaho is serving up a
main course of hot dog surprise.
243
00:12:10,133 --> 00:12:12,967
Now, I suppose the surprise is
it's real dog.
244
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:14,200
No, no, no. Of course not.
245
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,567
I mean, it is real dog.
246
00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:18,333
We Aztecs eat dog all the time,
so that's not the surprise.
247
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:23,000
The surprise is,
I stuffed the tortilla full of
red-hot chillies.
248
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:26,100
Argh! Argh!
249
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:31,233
After the reception
for his main course,
250
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:33,433
Kamaho is pinning his hopes
on his final dish.
251
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:37,200
I'm getting freshness,
I'm getting coolness.
It's very soothing.
252
00:12:38,367 --> 00:12:42,133
What is it exactly?
Frogs pawn with tadpoles and
253
00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:49,267
Kamaho, your starter
went missing
254
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:54,500
your main course was inedible,
your dessert was untouchable.
255
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,833
But I really like
what you've done to Gregg.
256
00:12:57,933 --> 00:13:01,667
Argh. For that reason,
you're through to the
next round.
257
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:04,233
Congratulations. You agree,
don't you? Ugh. That's a yes.
258
00:13:08,733 --> 00:13:12,300
The Aztecs used to eat a
special breed of small dog which
259
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,033
had virtually no hair.
The dogs didn't need it in
the hot climate.
260
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,567
I ate some dog once,
but I had trouble keeping
it down.
261
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,867
Down boy, down. Ha, ha, ha!
262
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:24,333
Aztecs really did eat dog though
as well as, howler monkeys
263
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,867
(LOUDLY) I've worked out why us
howler monkeys keep getting
hunted by Aztecs.
264
00:13:33,967 --> 00:13:36,300
(LOUDLY) Oh, have you?
Whys that, then?
265
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:40,233
(LOUDLY) It's cos we make such a
loud noise, we're easy to find
266
00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:42,233
(LOUDLY) Oh, I see.
267
00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:44,633
(LOUDLY) So that's why
we're whispering.
268
00:13:44,733 --> 00:13:45,600
(LOUDLY) Precisely.
269
00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:52,100
(MAN READING)
270
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:55,533
ANNOUNCER: The comfiest of
beds.
271
00:13:57,767 --> 00:14:01,900
The tastiest of food,
and 5 star service.
272
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,367
Stay here and
you won't want to leave.
273
00:14:04,233 --> 00:14:06,533
In fact, you won't be able to.
274
00:14:06,633 --> 00:14:09,100
It's a prison.
275
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,833
Yes, here at Newgate Prison,
276
00:14:11,933 --> 00:14:14,900
you'll be able to enjoy
the utmost Georgian luxury.
277
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,333
As long as you've got
the money to pay for it.
278
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,667
ANNOUNCER: Yes, in return for
a simple bribe, they'll unlock
your manacles
279
00:14:20,767 --> 00:14:21,567
for a while,
280
00:14:23,367 --> 00:14:24,800
let you receive visitors
in your private room
281
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,400
and even let you keep pets.
282
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:30,900
I'd like a pig.
283
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,867
Pigs aren't allowed,
filthy animals.
284
00:14:33,967 --> 00:14:38,433
In fact, here at Newgate Prison
you can live in comfort
and luxury.
285
00:14:38,533 --> 00:14:40,067
As long as you
don't run out of cash.
286
00:14:40,933 --> 00:14:42,967
Right then, you.
287
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:45,733
Let's get you out of this
private room, get you in a
crowded cell,
288
00:14:45,833 --> 00:14:46,500
with the rest of the criminals.
289
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:48,167
C'mon!
290
00:14:50,267 --> 00:14:53,000
You're in luck,
a room's just become available.
291
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,433
Ha-ha, ha, ha,
292
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,733
ANNOUNCER: Newgate Prison.
293
00:14:57,833 --> 00:14:59,167
Book early to
avoid disappointment
294
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,600
If you couldn't afford
the nice rooms,
295
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,267
conditions in Newgate
were quite disgusting.
296
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,700
The prison was riddled with
lice and fleas and, believe me,
297
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,400
I know what that feels like. Oh!
298
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:16,167
Oh! So Newgate was the
most famous Georgian prison,
299
00:15:16,267 --> 00:15:19,767
time to meet the most famous
Georgian criminal - Dick Turpin.
300
00:15:19,867 --> 00:15:21,133
Ow, ow, ow! No biting, no biting
301
00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:28,667
Everyone thinks they know the
story, of Dick Turpin's
highway glory.
302
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:30,700
But my past is far more gory,
I was no saint.
303
00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:35,300
You think life is one big antic,
My profession is romantic.
304
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,767
Hate to be pedantic,
But it ain't.
305
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:48,667
Ho! As a butcher down in Essex,
I was handy with a knife.
306
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:52,367
Had a side-line as a poacher,
Led a less than honest life.
307
00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:55,633
The notorious gang of Gregory,
Liked my style and dedication.
308
00:15:55,733 --> 00:15:58,800
They signed me up and gave me,
a real robber's education.
309
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:00,033
We rampaged through
the Essex farms,
310
00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:02,400
We stole and robbed and fought,
311
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:05,600
But when the law came for us,
I escaped and they got caught.
312
00:16:05,700 --> 00:16:12,533
I became a highway man,
Was daylight robbery. Ho!
313
00:16:12,633 --> 00:16:19,267
I was no Prince Charming,
Nothing dandy about me. Ho!
314
00:16:19,367 --> 00:16:22,533
The truth is I was violent,
And with my good mate Matt King
315
00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:25,533
Robbed travellers at gunpoint,
Money, watches, anything.
316
00:16:25,633 --> 00:16:27,600
My horse,
it wasn't called Black Bess
317
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:30,267
Although that's what you've read
Was no romantic hero
318
00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:32,733
Shot not one but two men dead
319
00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:36,167
The legend that surrounds me,
Misses out the crucial part
320
00:16:36,267 --> 00:16:39,367
I was a ruthless killer,
With a ruthless killer's heart.
321
00:16:39,467 --> 00:16:45,900
Was a vicious highwayman
A source of pain and tears. Ho!
322
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:52,833
When you hear how my story ends,
you won't believe your ears. Ho!
323
00:16:52,933 --> 00:16:56,267
I ran away to Yorkshire,
Changed my name to John Palmer
324
00:16:56,367 --> 00:16:59,433
Was sent to prison after,
stealing chickens from a farmer
325
00:16:59,533 --> 00:17:02,700
Wrote a letter to my family,
A plea it did relate
326
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:06,167
The postman saw the envelope,
And here's the twist of fate
327
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:09,700
He had taught me how to write,
So he knew I'd lied
328
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,400
"That's not John Palmer's hand,
That's Dick Turpin's," he cried
329
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:19,133
Was a vicious highwayman
My crimes had brought me fame.
Ho!
330
00:17:19,233 --> 00:17:22,100
Was stitched up by a postie,
331
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:26,567
That's not glamorous,
that's lame. Ho!
332
00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:32,867
No more stand and deliver,
You'll remember this, I hope.
Ho!
333
00:17:32,967 --> 00:17:36,200
It's no fun hanging,
with highwaymen
334
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:37,667
When you're hanging
from a rope.
335
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:45,167
(MAN READING)
336
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:48,600
(NARRATOR READING)
337
00:18:02,033 --> 00:18:03,267
Ooh, thank you very much.
338
00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:17,867
If you got injured in
Viking Times, We had some
pretty strange ways of
339
00:18:17,967 --> 00:18:18,767
making you better.
340
00:18:22,033 --> 00:18:23,100
All right, all right.
Don't worry.
341
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,000
An ambulance is going to be
here soon.
342
00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:28,433
Make way, make way, woman.
343
00:18:28,533 --> 00:18:31,000
Historical paramedics. You don't
look like paramedics.
We're Vikings.
344
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:33,100
Don't worry, we're very advanced
345
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,567
That's right! We can handle
anything, from setting
broken bones,
346
00:18:35,667 --> 00:18:38,133
to delivering babies,
and surgery to magic spells.
347
00:18:38,233 --> 00:18:40,300
Sorry, What was the last bit?
348
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,200
It doesn't matter, what's
important is we save your
little man friend
349
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:43,833
He's been stabbed. I don't
think he has.
350
00:18:43,933 --> 00:18:45,367
We need to clean the wound.
No, no, no
351
00:18:45,467 --> 00:18:47,500
First things first.
He could have been cursed.
352
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,233
We need the healing stone from
the blade of the sword,
353
00:18:49,333 --> 00:18:50,933
that stabbed him up.
354
00:18:51,033 --> 00:18:52,267
It wasn't a sword.
He fell off his bike.
355
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,633
Ah, try this. It might work.
356
00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:58,733
No, it's not working, Nigel.
357
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:01,367
We need blood. We need blood!
What, you mean a transfusion?
358
00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:04,033
No, we simply need blood
from a bull that this little man
has killed
359
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:06,267
then we spread it over
the hillside, over there
360
00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:08,100
and leave meat as an offering
for the elves, that live there
361
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,467
Only their magic can
save us now.
362
00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:10,667
He hasn't killed a bull.
363
00:19:12,033 --> 00:19:13,367
Really? What do you people
do all day?
364
00:19:15,267 --> 00:19:17,933
Geoff, I think it's getting
worse, this wound could be deep
365
00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:20,467
He urgently needs soup.
No, he needs hospital.
366
00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:22,367
Will you stop making words
up and just listen to me?
367
00:19:22,467 --> 00:19:25,100
We feed him a soup made
of onions, leeks and herbs.
368
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,167
Then we sniff the wound.
If we can smell the soup,
369
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,200
that means the belly
is punctured. Punctured.
370
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,967
If we can't smell the soup,
that means the wound
371
00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:31,767
isn't as severe as we
first thought
372
00:19:33,233 --> 00:19:33,767
No, I can't smell anything.
373
00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:38,067
Shall we do a blood test to be
sure? That sounds sensible.
374
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:40,733
Nigel, Start licking his shirt.
But clearly isn't.
375
00:19:40,833 --> 00:19:43,867
Internal wound blood tastes
different to that of a
flesh wound.
376
00:19:43,967 --> 00:19:46,700
We can determine how serious
the wound is by tasting
the blood.
377
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:51,067
Well? Strawberry.
Ooh, it's nice.
378
00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:52,800
But it's not blood. He's just
dropped his ice cream,
hasn't he?
379
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,533
He lives! Good work, Geoff.
380
00:19:58,633 --> 00:20:01,133
Now, let us carve runic symbols
into a whalebone to ensure
381
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:02,633
this young man's good health.
382
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:07,367
(THEY CHANT AND SING)
383
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:09,767
(SIRENS WAIL)
384
00:20:09,867 --> 00:20:13,733
Sounds like a proper ambulance.
We'd best go. Run away,
run away!
385
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,733
Excuse me, sir. Oh, no.
386
00:20:18,867 --> 00:20:21,100
Jane bring the Medi kit.
387
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,500
Oh, and some stain remover.
388
00:20:25,133 --> 00:20:27,267
(MAN READING)
389
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:33,200
Polite Victorian society had
lots of rules of etiquette
390
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,633
which dictated how men and women
should behave towards each other
391
00:20:35,733 --> 00:20:37,000
Good day.
392
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,533
I just left the pheasant where
it was and shocked Mr.
393
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:46,700
Oh, Mr Darbley, I've never
known such a great wit.
394
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,933
Oh, you're too kind.
395
00:20:49,033 --> 00:20:52,000
Well, this looks as good a spot
as any. Oh, yes, it's perfect.
396
00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:54,300
I must say, Miss Pennywhistle,
397
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:55,600
you really are the most
pleasant of company.
398
00:20:57,100 --> 00:21:00,333
Charming of character,
bright of mind and with
399
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:01,667
as pretty a smile as I have ever
400
00:21:03,167 --> 00:21:04,800
I have never known such rudeness
401
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:10,033
Sitting next to a lady in the
countryside is
entirely improper.
402
00:21:10,133 --> 00:21:13,867
The very height of
Victorian rudeness. I'm sorry.
403
00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:17,267
Perhaps this humble sandwich
would serve by way
of an apology.
404
00:21:19,033 --> 00:21:21,533
Perhaps. What, pray tell,
is in the sandwich?
405
00:21:21,633 --> 00:21:22,367
Cheese and onion.
406
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,833
Rudeness that cannot be counted
on one's fingers or measured
407
00:21:26,933 --> 00:21:28,567
in one's heart. What now?
408
00:21:29,767 --> 00:21:32,367
Cheese and onion, Mr Darbley?
409
00:21:32,467 --> 00:21:34,800
There is nothing more rude
in polite Victorian society
410
00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:36,767
than for a man to smell of onion
411
00:21:36,867 --> 00:21:38,067
Yes, of course.
412
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,033
Well, happily there
are plenty of non-onion
413
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:43,067
based delights within the hamper
414
00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:47,400
I'll just attend to this slight
nose bleed, you've appeared
to have
415
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:51,767
caused and I'll... Oh, what?
Rudeness beyond
human comprehension.
416
00:21:51,867 --> 00:21:55,067
Come on! Blowing your nose in
public is the height of
bad manners.
417
00:21:56,300 --> 00:21:57,800
As it would seem are most
things Miss Pennywhistle,
418
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:02,567
May I ask where polite Victorian
society stands on apple pie?
419
00:22:04,167 --> 00:22:06,133
Apple pie?
420
00:22:06,233 --> 00:22:08,867
Is it considered discourteous,
offensive or uncultured?
421
00:22:08,967 --> 00:22:10,867
Well, no.
422
00:22:10,967 --> 00:22:13,633
Is it rude, ill-mannered,
423
00:22:13,733 --> 00:22:18,333
improper or in discrete?
I don't believe so, no.
424
00:22:18,433 --> 00:22:20,667
So just to clarify, you have no
objection whatsoever to
apple pie?
425
00:22:21,533 --> 00:22:22,500
No, of course not.
426
00:22:23,367 --> 00:22:24,167
Good.
427
00:22:28,267 --> 00:22:29,100
Just be thankful
I forgot the cream.
428
00:22:33,167 --> 00:22:34,100
Well, he's the rudest man
I've ever met.
429
00:22:37,667 --> 00:22:38,400
But he sure can bake.
430
00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:41,000
(WOMAN READING)
431
00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:47,367
It's true.
432
00:22:55,267 --> 00:22:57,733
Yes, life in Victorian England
could be quite complicated.
433
00:23:00,167 --> 00:23:04,567
Lady Penelope, we've been
courting for ten years now
434
00:23:04,667 --> 00:23:07,267
and there's something I must say
to you as a matter of urgency.
435
00:23:08,133 --> 00:23:09,700
Yes, Lord Percival, say it
436
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:11,500
and say it now,
437
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,633
for if my heart beats any faster
I will surely faint.
438
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:20,233
I...Yes? I...Yes? I...Yes?
439
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:22,367
Lost for words?
440
00:23:23,333 --> 00:23:24,633
Then why not say it with flowers
441
00:23:26,033 --> 00:23:28,900
With the new Victorian
floral messaging system
442
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,867
you can literally say it
with flowers,
because each flowers
443
00:23:31,967 --> 00:23:32,700
means a different thing, yeah?
444
00:23:33,733 --> 00:23:35,733
A red tulip means I love you.
445
00:23:35,833 --> 00:23:38,167
A forget-me-not means true love.
446
00:23:38,267 --> 00:23:41,400
A cactus flower means
I really love you.
447
00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:43,600
Whatever you need to say,
say it with flowers.
448
00:23:45,100 --> 00:23:46,567
Do you by any chance have one
that means
"I love someone else"?
449
00:23:48,533 --> 00:23:50,100
And another that means
"and it's your best friend"?
450
00:23:50,900 --> 00:23:55,100
I can do you a hyacinth.
451
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,533
I'll take all you've got.
Or for you, an orange lily.
452
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,400
Just give me the cactus. You!
453
00:24:02,233 --> 00:24:04,433
Whatever you need to say,
454
00:24:04,533 --> 00:24:07,767
say it with flowers, with the
new Victorian floral
messaging system
455
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,267
Well, I think I got that message
456
00:24:12,133 --> 00:24:13,600
Anyone got any tweezers?
457
00:24:17,333 --> 00:24:20,500
The Victorian language of
flowers is known as floriography
458
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:25,033
And here's another example,
a dried-out white rose meant,
459
00:24:25,133 --> 00:24:27,100
"I'd rather be dead
than go out with you".
460
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,333
Well, either that or
"I can't afford a new rose".
461
00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:33,267
(MAN READING)
462
00:24:35,367 --> 00:24:38,300
NARRATOR: The famous Battle
of the Somme in 1916
463
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:39,833
was supposed to be the
campaign that would finish
464
00:24:39,933 --> 00:24:41,933
the First World War for good.
465
00:24:42,033 --> 00:24:43,367
But that's not quite how
it turned out
466
00:24:45,467 --> 00:24:48,233
Ah, Corporal.
Do you have an update for me?
467
00:24:48,333 --> 00:24:51,633
I'm pleased to report, sir, that
the Somme campaign
is finally over.
468
00:24:51,733 --> 00:24:54,633
Brilliant. I told you my World
War one trend warfare tactics
469
00:24:54,733 --> 00:24:55,400
were state of the art.
470
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,700
So, how much land have we taken
back off those
dastardly Germans?
471
00:25:00,967 --> 00:25:02,333
Well, sir,
we have pushed the enemy back...
472
00:25:05,133 --> 00:25:06,467
Two miles. Two?
473
00:25:07,333 --> 00:25:08,667
Oh, that's not very much, is it?
474
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,367
Well, progress nevertheless,
475
00:25:12,700 --> 00:25:14,200
I think we should
celebrate a job well done.
476
00:25:15,033 --> 00:25:15,800
It has taken five months, sir.
477
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:19,133
It's always the negatives
with you, isn't it, Corporal?
478
00:25:20,100 --> 00:25:22,233
Modern warfare takes time, man.
479
00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:24,633
It's cost us 620,000 men, sir.
480
00:25:25,467 --> 00:25:29,267
Oh, that is rather a lot, isn't
481
00:25:29,367 --> 00:25:32,567
But on the plus side we are two
miles nearer to Berlin, what?
482
00:25:32,667 --> 00:25:34,700
How much further to go?
490 miles, sir.
483
00:25:36,100 --> 00:25:38,733
I see. So we've only moved
two miles in five months.
484
00:25:40,333 --> 00:25:43,900
At this rate we should be
in Berlin by, don't tell me
485
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:48,167
490 divided by two, times
by five, carry over the do-dah
486
00:25:48,267 --> 00:25:49,833
and that what's-my-face.
487
00:25:49,933 --> 00:25:51,000
It's over 100 years, sir.
488
00:25:52,100 --> 00:25:55,800
Oh, well, we
won't be alive then, will we?
489
00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:57,233
Not with you in charge, sir, no.
490
00:26:04,100 --> 00:26:05,133
Not as tasty as it looks.
491
00:26:08,767 --> 00:26:12,167
In World War One, bombs used the
explosive TNT which is made from
492
00:26:12,267 --> 00:26:15,100
glycerine which comes from fat.
493
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,800
So during the war we needed
lots and lots of fat. Yuk!
494
00:26:19,867 --> 00:26:23,233
(WOMAN READING)
495
00:26:23,333 --> 00:26:26,733
Hello. I'm the Fat King.
I know what you're thinking.
496
00:26:26,833 --> 00:26:29,067
He's not fat, he's not a king.
Well, you're right on
both counts.
497
00:26:30,733 --> 00:26:33,767
They call me that because
I'm the boss here, and this
is my fat factory
498
00:26:33,867 --> 00:26:37,800
(WOMAN READING)
499
00:26:37,900 --> 00:26:41,033
Yes, come down to our
fat extraction factory,
where we will even turn your
500
00:26:41,133 --> 00:26:43,200
animal poo into fat.
501
00:26:43,300 --> 00:26:47,867
Bring us a big smelly cowpat and
let us turn it into fat at...
502
00:26:47,967 --> 00:26:50,367
(WOMAN READING)
503
00:26:51,467 --> 00:26:53,933
We'll even convert your
waste food into fat.
504
00:26:54,033 --> 00:26:56,733
Don't leave food stuff
for the rat
505
00:26:56,833 --> 00:26:58,833
When we can turn it
into fat at...
506
00:26:58,933 --> 00:27:01,300
(WOMAN READING)
507
00:27:02,700 --> 00:27:04,067
You'll be surprised with
what we can turn into fat.
508
00:27:05,333 --> 00:27:07,467
We'll even take your dead horse.
509
00:27:07,567 --> 00:27:10,067
If your horse was hit
by a German shell
510
00:27:10,167 --> 00:27:12,433
Bring him here when
he starts to smell
511
00:27:12,533 --> 00:27:15,367
We'll melt him down
It won't take long
512
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:18,500
And stick his remains
in a big old bomb.
513
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:22,167
The Germans will be surprised
when we fire old Dobbin
back at them.
514
00:27:22,267 --> 00:27:23,567
So don't delay, come to the...
515
00:27:23,667 --> 00:27:25,800
(WOMAN READING)
516
00:27:25,900 --> 00:27:26,700
Today!
517
00:27:31,700 --> 00:27:35,067
Girls! You're not filming, are
518
00:27:35,167 --> 00:27:36,800
* Tall tales,
Atrocious acts,
519
00:27:36,900 --> 00:27:37,867
* We gave you all
the fearsome facts
520
00:27:37,967 --> 00:27:39,333
* The ugly truth no glam or glee
521
00:27:39,433 --> 00:27:40,700
* We showed you all
the juicy bits
522
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:43,333
* Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
523
00:27:43,433 --> 00:27:46,000
* Stuff they don't teach you
at school
524
00:27:46,100 --> 00:27:49,167
* The past is no longer
a mystery
525
00:27:49,267 --> 00:27:53,467
* Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories *
42268
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