All language subtitles for Horrible Histories S02E11 1080p Amazon WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-QOQ_track3_[eng]-en

[NARRATOR READING]

Some of our Roman emperors
where a bit, well, loopy.

And none were
loopier than Caligula.

Legionaries, attention!

All hail
the Emperor of Rome, Caligula.

[TRUMPETS BLOWING]

Legions of Rome,

today is a great day
in the history of the Empire,

for today we shall
sail across the Channel

and finally conquer Britain.

-What say you?
-[DISPIRITEDLY] Oh.

Army looks a little thin
on the ground today, General.

Yes, sir.

Um, did you actually tell
the other garrisons
about the invasion?

Of course I did.
Or did I just tell Mr Hand?

Mr Hand, did I tell
the other garrisons
about the invasion?

[IN DEEP VOICE] No,
you didn't.
You only told me.

Yes, it turns out I
just told Mr Hand.

Well, to
successfully invade Britain
we'd need thousands of men.

And how many men do we have?

Well, including you, me
and Jeremy, who frankly

-is more of a lover
than a fighter, six.
-Mmm.

To invade Britain
with this many men,
you'd have to be mad.

Oh, well I
certainly don't want people
to think I'm mad.

Do I, Mr Hand?

[DEEP VOICE] No,
you certainly wouldn't.

Well,
I can't come all this way
without fighting anyone.

It would be too embarrassing.
We must return to
Rome in victory.

But we're on a deserted beach
in a country we've
already conquered.

There's no one here to fight.

I think you're
forgetting my greatest
and most valiant enemy.

Poseidon, god of the sea.

Let us wage war on the sea.

Look, General!
It's retreating!

It's attacking again.

It's retreating again.

That's just
the tide going out.

Take that, you big wet wuss.

See how I whip
Poseidon into surrender.

It's true. Caligula did indeed
forget to tell his armies

to invade Britain with him.

He ordered his troops
to collect seashells,

then whip the sea,
so he wouldn't
look so foolish.

He really was one prawn
short of a cocktail,
wasn't he?

So, why did his legionaries
go along with it?

Well, they were trained to do
exactly as they were told.

My name's Staffus Maximus,
and I'm a legionary
in the Roman army.

I joined the army
'cause I like
swords and fighting,

and because I was
made to, of course.

But it's not all
work, work, work, you know.

What do you
think you are doing,
you horrible little man?

You're supposed to be doing
stabbing practice,
so start stabbing!

MAXIMUS:
Actually, thinking about it,
it is all work, work, work.

We train harder
than any other
army in history.

We march 20 miles a day,
build a whole fort

and then take it down again
the next morning.

Can't complain, though.

Get your knees up,
you horrible little man!

-They hit you if you complain.
-Left right,
left right, left right!

I suppose the food's not bad,
but you do have to pay for it.

In fact, you have
to pay for everything
in the Roman army,

your food,
your uniform, your weapons,
even your own funeral.

Of course,
if you decide the army's not
for you, you can always leave.

Ooh!

Though the army tends to look
down on deserters,

-about 500 feet down,
to be precise.
-[SCREAMING]

So, I'd recommend
staying to fight.

[MAXIMUS READING]

Gentleman, victory is ours.

-Let us gather
the spoils of war.
-The what?

The shells the sea left
when it was running away.

Legionaries,
gather every seashell
on the sea shore.

We'll show that
watery half-wit
who the daddy is.

You're the daddy.
Yes, I am the daddy.

You're the daddy.
Look, I'm agreeing
with you here, Mr Hand.

So, are you ready
to return to
Rome now, Emperor?

Yes, with my head held high.

No one can accuse me
of looking silly now.

Come along, Jeremy.

[SIGHING]

[NARRATOR READING]

You didn't want to live
in England in 1349,

because there was
a nasty outbreak
of the plague,

not that there's
ever been a nice one.

[WOMAN READING]

We're expecting
severe outbreaks
of the plague this year.

Sweeping over on
ships from Europe,

it's expected to spread
right across England.

Towns and cities
will be the worst affected,

with people
dying in vast numbers
here, here and indeed here.

Better news up in Scotland,
though,
no plague whatsoever.

So, in summary, if you live in
England, expect a nasty
outbreak of coughing

and weeping sores that ooze
blood, followed by
almost certain death.

On a more positive note,
tomorrow should be
bright and sunny,

perfect for that mass burial
in a big stinky pit.

Have a lovely year.

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

Hey, hey, hey!
Sons of Scotland,

the plague has been killing
off the English in
their thousands,

and those that are left
are sick and weak.

Whereas we are strong,

-for there is no
plague in Scotland.
-[CHEERING]

With their defences down,
now is the time
for us to invade.

Let the arrogant English
taste some Scottish steel.

-[CHEERING]
-Go get 'em, laddies.

-So, are you all ready?
-ALL: Aye!

-Have you all
had your porridge?
-ALL: Aye!

-Have you all
sharpened your weapons?
-ALL: Aye!

And have you all put on
some nice, warm underwear?

Of course not, you big jessie.

Now, let's go
and slaughter some English!

[SHOUTING]

Kill them, kill them all,
butcher the lot of them.

And don't stop till the soil
of England is stained red
with their blood.

[COUGHING]

Oh, you're back already,
McDonald,
you dinna look so well.

Think I may have caught
a wee dose of
that English plague.

[GASPING]

It's possible I didn't really
think this whole invasion
thing through, did I?

Uh... No.

Quick, lads, back over the
border, retreat,
run home to your villages.

But won't that bring the
plague back? You'll infect
the whole of Scotland.

Aye. I didn't really think
that bit through too well,
either, did I?

-No.
-[COUGHING]

Freedom!

That is exactly what happened.
The Scottish army
invaded England,

caught the plague
and took it back
to their families in Scotland.

[FEMININE VOICE] Ooh, my
husband went to England and
all he brought me back

was this lousy plague.

[LAUGHING]

And Scottish families in the
Middle Ages had some pretty
unusual customs.

WOMAN:
Alan is a Middle Ages man
from England.

He's met
Scottish beauty Doileag
and wants to marry her.

So, they've
travelled back to Scotland

to meet Doileag's devoted
mother and father,

but what will
they think of him?

-This is Alan.
-Hello.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Oh!
I don't think they like me.

No, no, we're just throwing
herring fat at a wall

to see if you're
an honest man or no.

That's how we
like to do things
in medieval Scotland.

Aye, the herring fat
runs straight, Father.

-Is that a good thing?
-Aye.

If it were crooked,
that would mean
you were dishonest.

-Oh!
-Now,
allow me to wash your feet

in a mixture of oil,
soot and cinders.

This will bring you luck
for your marriage.

It's how we like to do things
in medieval Scotland.

WOMAN: It's
the morning of the wedding,

and Alan's beginning
to have some doubts.

Listen, Doileag, look,
all these weird
Scottish customs

have got me thinking.

You don't think we're rushing
into things, do you?

[GROANS]

Aye, ready for a creeling.

-Ooh! What's a creeling?
-It's just a test

to see if you're man enough
to be my husband.

All you have to do is carry
this basket of stones
around the village.

-Off you go.
-It's okay.

[GASPING] It'll be all right.

Aye,
it's how we like to do things
in medieval Scotland.

Did you go all the way
around the village?

[PANTING] Yes.

Aye, he's still an honest man.
He's telling the truth.

Let's get to the church.

WOMAN: Coming up in the next
series ofMy Big Fat
Medieval Scottish Wedding.

Doileag and Alan's
baby is christened.

[SPITTING]

Aye,
it's how we like to do things
in medieval Scotland.

[NARRATOR READING]

[CHANTING] Saxon monks
had very strict rules.

But we didn't
always obey them.

[SINGING IN LATIN]

Okay,
brothers, I think he's gone.

Now, the Bishop's not around,

-throw off these
religious gowns.
-[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

-Hunky.
-Chunky.

-Funky monkey.
-Get down.

[UPBEAT MUSIC STOPS]

[FUNKY MUSIC STARTS]

She...
He can't talk and his name is

Wayne.

A-men!

[NARRATOR READING]

The answer is C,

they had it grazed
by a miniature...

Oh! Oh, no, sorry, my mistake.
It's A,
they polished it with a stone

called a pumice stone,
which is a sort
of volcanic rock.

[NARRATOR READING]

Hello. Welcome to Ready,
Steady, Feast.

My first guest today has
travelled all the way
from ancient Egypt.

-Please welcome Cheops.
-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Hello there.
-Hi, Cheops.

Now,
you're an Egyptian peasant,

so what horrible peasanty food
have you brought
with you today?

I've brought some bread.

Bread. That's pretty normal.

-[CRACKING]
-Ah! Ah.

[THUDDING] It's rock hard.
You could lose
a tooth on that.

Yes, I know.
It's
the Egyptian sun, you see.

It dries everything out.
Makes the fish
quite chewy as well.

Hmm. I am not touching that.

Fair enough.
How about some
nice soft dates?

Oh, yes, now these,
these are more like it.

They're handpicked.

Mmm, lovely.

By baboons.

Baboo...?

Yes, pet baboons, specially
trained to climb up trees
and pick the fruits.

But not specially trained
to ever wash their hands.

Well, no.

Let's see if I have more luck
with my next guest.

He is an ancient Egyptian
pyramid builder.

Oh, you know our builders are
paid in radishes and garlic,
don't you?

Shut it, baboon boy.

They eat a lot of
radishes and garlic
is all I'm saying.

-Please welcome Menez.
-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hello there.

I did try to warn her. Date?

-Oh, thank you very much.
-They're nice.

-Little bit of
baboon dropping on there.
-[CHUCKLING]

-Mmm.
-Yeah, I like the dates.

-Grub's up.
-Yes, grub's up.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[LAUGHING]

And it took a lot of radishes
and garlic to pay all
the builders we needed

to make a pyramid,
I can tell you.

MAN: Ever wanted to build
your own pyramid?

You bet I do.

Well, now you can
withPyramid Weekly.

Every issue ofPyramid Weekly
brings you a free gift,

a large stone weighing
two and a half tonnes.

Wow! A big stone! Great!
How many do I need
to build a pyramid?

-Just 2.3 million.
-Cool.

Yes, buyPyramid
Weekly every week,

and in just 442,000 years, y
ou will have enough stones to
build your own pyramid.

Hey, Harry, what did you get
in Pyramid Weeklythis week?

Another big stone. That's 34
so far. I'll have 2.3
million in no time.

Then all you'll
have to do is build it.

MAN: Read how it took 70,000
labourers five years to
build each pyramid.

-Do you think Dad'll help me?
-Of course he will.

Order today and get
a second free issue
completely free.

Pyramid Weekly.
Pick one up today, if you can.

70,000 labourers not included.

[NARRATOR READING]

[NARRATOR READING]

The 19th-century ironclad ship
used in
the American Civil War.

This ship was covered entirely
in metal, meaning enemy fire
bounced right off it.

[TINKLING]

Plus it could
destroy wooden ships
by ramming them.

The ironclad ship
was indestructible.

But there was
one small problem.

The other side had one, too,

so the battle went on
for hours and hours.

MAN ON MEGAPHONE:
How about we
just call it a draw?

That's right. In the 1860s,

the United States of America
wasn't quite so united.

Civil war broke out

with the Northern
states doing battle
against the Southern states.

One of the Southern
Confederate generals was a
really unusual character,

to say the least.

I cannot believe that
General
Stonewall Jackson hisself

is going to be giving us
our battle orders.

Yes, brilliant and fearless.

No matter how
heavy the enemy fire,
he just stands there,

unmoving, like a stone wall.

He's one of our finest
Confederate leaders.

Ooh, I hope it's going to be a
surprise attack,
he is famous for his...

-Ten-hut!
-General Jackson!

May I just say
what an honour it is
to serve under you, sir.

No, you have to speak up, son.
Little deaf in that ear.

Just to say
it's a great honour
to serve under you.

No, I'm a bit deaf
in that one, too.

Must be all the cannon fire.

Cannon fire? Where? Where?

Hup-hup-hup, hup-hup-hup!

[CLEARS THROAT] You have a map
of the battlefield?

I do, sir, yes.

Now, this indicates
the current location
of the enemy and over...

-[SNORING]
-Sir?

I believe he
has fallen asleep.

Good morning. Right, we shall
attack the enemy this way,
hup, hup, hup!

From the air, with balloons?

No, son, I'm just
balancing out my arms,
keeping the circulation going,

my right arm is longer
than the left one.

Anyway, sir, so this map shows
the current position
of the enemy troops.

[SNORING]

-Not again.
-Hup, hup, hup!

I cannot believe
this is Stonewall Jackson.

Shh! He'll hear you.

No, he won't!
This man is not a legend!

This man is some crazy,
arm-waving idiot
who falls asleep all the time.

Ah, so the enemy
guns face to the west,

we will outflank
them to the right
and attack them from the east.

Our troops will then approach
them silently using
the long grass as cover

and we will then
surprise the enemy
and capture them

before a single shot is fired.

-Brilliant.
-[SNORING]

Yes, I suppose he
does have his moments.

Sir,
he is dribbling on my tunic.

[NARRATOR READING]

Ancient Greece
was divided into
a number of different states.

There was my home,
the warrior state Sparta,

and, well,
lots of other rubbish ones.
Go Sparta!

And you must be?

Linda and Nigel,
we're Archilaus' parents.

Archilaus, I see.

What's wrong?

I've been meaning to speak to
you about your son's
behaviour for some time.

Is he in trouble?

Well, I have a list here of
what he's been up to in
the last week alone.

Screaming, shouting, fighting
with other pupils,
attacking the teachers.

-Really?
-Bringing weapons into school,

cheating,
lying, stealing, bullying.

I mean,
the list goes on and on.

-Mr and Mrs Archilaus,
your son...
-BOTH: Yes?

-...is
the perfect Spartan child.
-[BOTH SIGH WITH RELIEF]

He is going to make
a fantastic Spartan warrior.

You must be very proud.

-[WEEPING] I'm very proud!
-Yeah, he's very proud.

All right,
it is a Spartan school,
so don't cry.

[SOBS]

[NARRATOR READING]

Although sometimes
they were whipped
so hard and so often

that they died,

and if you think
that's a stupid way to die,

check out what happened
to the Athenian ruler Draco.

[SIGHS] Next!

-So who might you be?
-Draco,

Greek lawmaker
and ruler of Athens.

Ooh! Greek lawmaker.

Not the Draco, the one who
made pretty much any
criminal offence

punishable by death,
even stealing an apple?

-The very same.
-Oh, brilliant! [CHUCKLING]

-Can I have an autograph,
please?
-Yes, of course.

Just here, thank you.

Oh, any chance of a kissy?

Ooh!
Two kissies! [LAUGHS] Lovely.

Right, now tell me about
your stupid death, come on.

Well, you see I was
a very cruel ruler,
but also a popular one.

Cruel but popular. Me, too.

So a special show was put on
in the Athenian
arena in my honour

and I stepped out to soak up
the praise of the crowd.

[IMITATES CROWD SCREAMING]

Anyway, the crowd,
to show their adoration,

began to shower me
with their hats and cloaks.

-Yes?
-And then more
hats and cloaks.

[CHUCKLES] Good.

And then more
cloaks and more hats

-and more cloaks...
-Yes.

...and more hats and cloaks,
and more hats and cloaks,

until eventually I had so many
hats and cloaks piled
up on top of me,

-I suffocated.
-[GUFFAWING]

That's hilarious. [LAUGHING]

That's so funny
I'm gasping for air.
[LAUGHING]

Like you were.

Oh, because of the
hats and cloaks thing, yes.

Oh, good news, Draco,
you're through
to the afterlife.

Thank you. Thank you so much!

Oh, dear.
I love my job sometimes,
I really do.

[NARRATOR READING]

Hello, and welcome
to the News at When.

When? Tudor times,

when England broke with Rome
and got its own church,

which really
pleased Henry VIII
and really upset the Pope.

Here with more
details is Bob Hale
with the Catholic Report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam.
Well,
there it is, Tudor England,

that's Henry VIII right there
and as you can tell,

it's wall-to-wall Catholics
as far as the eye can see.

Much as it has been for,
oh, let's say 900 years.

But Henry's got
a bit of a problem
because he wants a divorce,

which is exactly the sort of
thing that the Catholic
Church doesn't like.

So he asks the Pope if he can
have a divorce and he says,
"No way, Jose,"

which is weird,
because his name's Henry.

So what does Henry do?
He breaks away from the Pope,

there he goes,
and he starts up
his own church here in England

called, unsurprisingly,
the Church of England,

and since he's in charge of
it, he basically
grants himself a divorce

and marries Anne Boleyn,
who's a Protestant,

meaning she
believes in the Bible
but not in the Pope.

Now, since the country's
turning Protestant,

Henry starts being a bit mean
to the Catholics,

and by a bit mean,
I mean he executes them,

closes their monasteries
and takes all their money.

Then he gets
married another four times
and he dies.

That's what six
wives will do for you,

and that, believe it or not,
was the easy bit,

as we can see
if we look at
the religion-o-meter.

So the next king after Henry
is someone from your school.

No,
not really, it's Edward VI,
who's only nine years old

and he is a Protestant,
that's right,

and he's the King for
ages and ages and ages,

until he finally dies
at the ripe old age of 15.

Yep, 15, when he hands over
to Lady Jane Grey,
another Protestant,

who gets to enjoy
ruling the country
for a whopping nine days

before she's
overthrown by Queen Mary,
a Catholic this time,

so Catholic,
in fact, that she burns
300 Protestants at the stake.

Although, strictly speaking,
that's not being Catholic,

that's just being horrid.
So England is Catholic again

and everyone can just sit down
and get used to it.

But not for long!
Because here
comes Queen Elizabeth,

and you've guessed it,
she's a Protestant,

she even fights off
a Catholic invasion,
the Spanish Armada,

then Elizabeth is
followed by James I,
who's a Scottish Protestant,

or is it
a Prottish Scotestant?

Either way, he's a Protestant
but he likes Catholics,

at least he does until
one tries to blow him up.

Naughty, naughty Guy Fawkes.

And after James
comes Charles I,
who acts like a Catholic

but basically doesn't care.

He just wants to be in charge,
which he is,

until he's overthrown by that
chap, who's not
a Catholic or a Protestant,

he's not even a king,
seriously! He's
Oliver Cromwell, a Puritan,

which is like
a really strict Protestant.

So strict, in fact,
that he chops
Charlie's head off

and then he bans music,
theatre, dancing,
Christmas, hedgehogs and fun.

Except not hedgehogs.
Then he dies, hurray!

And we get the monarchs back,
whoo-hoo! It's Charles II,
who is loads of fun.

He's also a Protestant, but he
converts to Catholicism
on his deathbed,

so he's a Catholic
but only for
a couple of minutes.

Then comes his brother
James II, who is a Catholic,
always has been,

and not just for a couple of
minutes, but he doesn't
like Parliament,

so they chuck him
out and bring in
his daughter and her husband

from Holland,
that's William and Mary,

and they decide that England
is definitely Protestant,
as it is today,

but only after 185 years of
going Catholic,
Protestant, Catholic,

Protestant, Catholic,
Protestant, Catholic,
Protestant, Catholic,

Protestant,
you're getting sleepy,
you're getting very sleepy.

Hand back to Sam. Sam...

Sam.

Sam.

Sam.

Sam.

Yes, the whole
Catholic-Protestant thing

started with Henry VIII's
doomed marriage
to Anne Boleyn.

When marriages come to an end,
things have to be divided up,

and in this case,
Henry divided up Anne.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I'm sorry,
have I gone too far?

You join us here today
on this sad occasion.

Queen Anne Boleyn
is about to be beheaded.

I am joined
here by her husband
King Henry VIII.

Your Majesty,
how do you feel
on this tragic day?

[GRUNTS] Ace!

[LAUGHS] 15-love.

So you're not attending
the execution, then?

Oh, no.

I would have loved
to have been there,

but I had this
game of Tudor tennis
booked in the diary.

You know how it is.

Busy king, countries to rule,
volleys to hit.

Oh! [LAUGHS] 30-love,
look at his face.

That was out, Your Majesty.

-Are you absolutely sure?
-My mistake, good shot.

Ah, 30-love. [LAUGHS]

Isn't playing
tennis while your wife's
being beheaded a little bit,

-well, heartless?
-Heartless?

I have gone out of my way
to make things nice for her.

-Nice?
-Yes!

I ordered the best
swordsman in France
to lop her head off.

Got him in from Calais.
Sharp sword,
spared no expense,

good, clean blow.
[IMITATES CHOPPING] Head off.

[LAUGHS]

And she had a fair trial,
despite what people said.

Is it my fault that
that woman was a witch?

Ooh, 40-love!
[LAUGHS] Brilliant.

Forgive me, Your Majesty,
but to get the executioner

from Calais to London in time,

didn't you have to order him
before Anne's trial?

Oh, details, details! [LAUGHS]
Oh, game, set and match!

[CHUCKLES] Oh, look at that!
King wins, king wins, hello.

-Sire,
Anne has now been beheaded.
-Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I suppose I shall go
and see the missus.

You're going to
pay your respects
to your late wife?

Oh, no. No, no, not her.
The new missus, Jane Seymour.

She's a real fox.
[LAUGHS] Goodbye!

Oh, by the way,
if the whole Jane thing
doesn't work out,

do you fancy being Queen
for a little bit?

Tempting.

Back to you in the studio.