All language subtitles for Babes.2024.WERip

Look at you. Look at you.

Gorgeous.

115 minutes, four trains.

You're so lucky
I fucking love you.

I am. But also, walking
five blocks this pregnant?

It's equal.
Touche, bitch!

Woo! We're doing it.

Hi. Do you have any tickets
available for the 9 a.m.?

Yeah, yeah, they all are.
It's Thanksgiving at 9 a.m...

Okay, well, we'll take two then,

but you can keep the attitude
in the booth.

It's a ritual, man.

We've seen a movie every
Thanksgiving for 27 years.

Traditions of this caliber
don't come by...

Okay, Eden? Can we just get
the tickets so we can sit down?

My back hurts.

You fucked up her back.

You did not fuck up my back,
baby did that.

So I had a crazy night
last night.

I'm drinking a hot toddy.

I clocked this other bitch
drinking a hot toddy.

Oh, ew, wait a minute.
My seat is wet.

Ew. Yuck!
What? Yuck.

So gross.

So I see she's drinking a hot toddy.
You know, like your classic.

So we strike up a conversation
or whatever.

It turns...
Ew!

This seat is wet, too.
No.

- Yes.
- Gross. - Yuck.

Ew. Okay.

Turns out she's a retired nurse.

And I was like, "What's the most
gruesome death you've ever seen?"

Oh that's a good follow up.

- And she's like...
- Fuck, no.

- What?
- This seat is wet too.

Why does this theater
have so many wet ass seats.

Okay. Is it you, maybe?

Are you possibly the wet factor?

None of my seats have been wet.

I mean, maybe it could be me, but
I'm not due for another two weeks.

Can you check?
Sure.

Let's see.

All right. Nothing...

- Cool.
- Nothing...

A drop.

Another drop.

Okay. All right.

Are you pissing, perchance?
I don't think I'm pissing.

You know, in the movies,
it's like this 'whoosh'!

But this is just
a light pussy drizzle.

Pussy drizzle, okay.
You know what?

I'm gonna call Doctor Morris.

Two. Emergency.

Morris. Okay,
it's ringing now.

Doctor Morris, it's dawn.

Okay.
Trickling is accelerating.

It's like, one and a drop
and a one and a drop...

I just need to know if my water
broke or if it's just droplets.

It's a... - One and a drop.
- It's a one and a drop.

There's more of a swing to it:
And a one and a drop...

It's a one and a drop
and a one and a drop.

With more of a swing to it. Okay it's
getting faster. It's triplets now.

Okay. Thank you I got it.

And d-d-drop,
drop-drop-drop-drop.

Thank you, Bobby McFerrin. Yeah.

Okay. Thanks.

So I'm definitely in labor.

Oh my God.

What should we do? Should I...
Should I hug you?

- No, please don't touch me.
- Okay.

He said I've got to go
to the hospital.

But when I went in with Tommy,

It... It was 25 hours
until he was born.

25 hours of labor,
and I couldn't eat any food.

They just gave me ice chips.
Okay, what if we bag the movie?

It still counts, our streak
lives, for a last supper of sorts.

I love that.

Oh, yes.

Okay. That's it.

I would say let me know
if you need anything else,

but this is literally
all the foods we have.

So... Don't go far, though.
We might need seconds.

Okay, no problem.
And... Oh, I'm sorry.

It looks like you had
a little spill there.

Oh, no no no.
That's just some drippage.

I'm in labor.

Congratulations to me.

In the movies,
it's like this monsoon whoosh.

Mh-hm. But in real life,
it can be trickles.

The water will keep coming.
Don't worry about cleaning it up.

Uh, okay. No, I definitely will need
to tell my boss that just 'cause...

it's fluids and there's people eating.
Who knows what's in the fluid.

I don't think this
is gonna end well.

What are you? The Gordon
Ramsay of my pussy?

Get out of here.

Why do you hate women?

I... no...
I need more chocolate mousse.

I will get that, I just...
Thank you, bye.

I wonder what
off-Broadway play he's in.

It's like he's never seen
a pregnant person before.

Honestly, you're digging
the vibe up here?

Don't you miss that Dominican diner?
Compared to this place?

Feels a little Stepford.

I don't know, man.
Astoria misses you.

It's calling you. It's like Don, Don.
Where's Don?

Are you good, dude?

I need you to check my shit.

Oh, my God, you're in labor.
I forgot.

Okay. Move the panties, please.

Yeah get in there.

I don't know the medical term
for this, but...

- Yeah?
- Your pussy is opened way the fuck up.

How many centimeters
would way the fuck up be?

Your vagina looks like
it's yawning. Like.

Oh my God, call an Uber.

I thought I had more time.

Fuck, I'm still hungry.

Okay, take your time.

It just comes in waves.

Aren't women amazing?
Birth, miracle.

Enjoy your risotto.

Eden, was that loud?
- Mm-mm. - Are you sure?

- Miraculous.
- I feel like everyone's looking at me.

No, no no no, everyone's in awe.

Thank you.

- Yeah.
- Eden, tip him well.

- Will do.
- Do you want some water?

Yes. I need a sip of water.

This is amazing.
The elegance.

I don't need the water.

Help me! Help me!

Where's the door?
Get the door, open the door!

And that's New York, baby!

Yes! Got it! Got it!

All right. There you go.

Thank you so much. Thank you.
This is good, this is good.

This is good. We're almost there.
Almost there.

Almost there.

Oh, you're so good. You are doing it.
You're almost there.

Fuck no, this is not good!
Get me up, get me up.

And now we're standing up.
Standing up.

Good, good, good. Okay.

You're doing so good, honey.

Standing up is no good, standing
up... Oh, no. It hurts when I stand!

Let me get on the floor.

- You don't want to do that.
- Yes she does! - Shut up!

Okay, just do your thing.

You're doing so good,
what you're doing.

It's so gross.

Okay.

Eyes on your own paper.
Scram!

Okay. We're taking it for you.

It is so hot, it is so hot!

Alright, okay.

Here we go.

I don't want to give birth
in the lobby.

I don't want this
to be my journey.

You never seen
a bad bitch crawl?

And...
Just gonna get the elevator.

Ignore me.
Sorry to be in your way.

Here we go.

Okay.

Woo! Here we go!

I need to go
to the fourth floor.

Fourth floor, please.
Thank you so much.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

She's gonna have
your freckles. Oh my...

I am so proud of you.
Don't touch me.

Okay.

Hold my hand.

- You got it.
- Great Dawn, you're doing great.

- You got this.
- I'm dynamic.

You're dynamic.
Tell her she's dynamic.

Oh, you are so strong.

Do you smell that?
There's a terrible smell happening.

That's a good smell.

We can't possibly
be smelling the same thing.

Oh my God. Oh my God,
I feel like I have to shit.

Great. Follow it.

Just keep going.
We're almost crowning.

This is what it's all about.

Crowning's one of the most
beautiful things you will ever see.

Push! Come on, push!

And we're crowning.

That's my daughter's forehead.

Oh my God, is it that bad?
Why does she look like that?

Did I just shit on my baby?

No. It's more like you babied
on your shit.

Be right back.

I am shocked by how disgusted
you were.

I mean, we literally send pictures
of our poopies to each other to name.

I was shocked as well.

But I missed Tommy's birth so I
was not going to miss this one.

But if you guys have a third,
I might have to skip.

I think it's far more disturbing
you guys text each other every dump.

We do not text ever-y dump, okay?

But Dawn is integral
to all my dumps.

- Aw.
- Ever since you guys left Astoria,

instead of reading
on the toilet,

I just look at Dawn's share-location-dot
bop around the Upper West Side.

Aw, I look at your
shared-location-dot too.

Really?

This is really cute. Was it you
two that just had the baby, or...?

I love when Marty is jealous of me.
Yes. I know, right?

Don't be a jellybean.
I am jealous.

Don't be jealous, baby.

I contributed to the IP.

You honestly contributed less
to baby Melanie

than there is Cheeto dust
on my fingers.

You did what you had to do...
Thank you.

And I appreciate your
service, thoughts and prayers.

Okay, okay.

But if you want me to love you

as much as I love Eden,

can you please just...

get me some sushi?

I'm tired of chips. I'm
tired of cheese and skittles.

I don't want to taste the rainbow no more.
I want some sushi.

I've been waiting
ten months for this.

No, no, no, guys,
this one's on me.

- Oh.
- I'm gonna get you the works.

And you were going to have the sexiest,
most gorgeous postpartum poo poo

of all time.

I'm talking about you too, Marty.

Ew.

And so,
total is $457.53.

Oh, okay. No. Okay.

That's the cost of the food
in these here bags.

Where's the butler, Madame?
Butler!

Cash cool?

Mh-hm.

All right.
I'm not a drug dealer.

I'm a yoga teacher. I got my
own studio, in my apartment.

Okay. And there's no
good guy discount?

Four.

Oh my God.
Literally precious moments.

- Uh, excuse me?
- Oh. You scared me.

I know it looks creepy, but...

Is this a gorgeous family or?

I'm not a rando.

Dawn is like my sister.

Okay, but only pre-approved
actual family members

can be in the room
after visiting hours.

Okay, well this sushi was $500.

So do you have a fridge
I could pop it in

so it doesn't go bad for them.

No, I mean, we have a fridge,
but it's for, you know,

blood and organs.

Mmm.

Closing this unit down
for the holiday.

You all need to get out
and transfer to the next 2.

Oh, fuck.

Okay, okay, okay.
Wait, guys.

Hold up! MTA.

This was $500.

Hey.

Be nice to people.

Sir, let the doors close, sir.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Whew! Oh, man.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I'm Eden.

Claude.

Ugh. Brutal.

My commute
is usually three trains,

but with the holidays it's four.

Yeah. Me too.

2 to the 7,
to the G, to the end.

Uhm.

You like sushi?

I fucking love sushi.

So where are you coming from?
Prom?

No. God, no. I hated prom.

Me too.

I love the idea of dressing up
in big ass outfits,

but to celebrate high school
is such a waste.

Like, you know, I got
neck acne and no identity.

- Take my picture.
- No, I totally agree.

It feels like prom should
happen way later in life.

You know, for some higher
purpose or something.

I love that idea.

But seriously, why are
you dressed like a waiter

from the Great Depression?

I was shooting a movie.
Martin Scorsese.

Yeah, I've heard of him.
Yeah.

That guy.
What's your role?

You're gonna laugh. Uhm...
Okay.

But don't. It's, a...
Okay.

A sexy black waiter.

I'm not laughing.
Okay fine, you can laugh.

It was two lines.

But in exchange, I got this tux.

Mochi is like
a disembodied testicle.

Just try it.

I feel like I definitely
prefer mushrooms over weed.

Mm-mm.

Shrooms have been making me
so paranoid lately. Have they?

Last time I did them I freaked
out that I was pregnant.

I bought dozens and dozens
of pregnancy tests.

I took like, I swear to God, 30.

Oh, God.

It didn't even make sense,
my paranoia, because uhm...

Okay, sorry,
this is going to be TMI,

but we are on our second train.

No, that's cool.
This is a safe space.

But I have, never been, uhm...
cummed inside, rawly.

Sorry, I've never
had unprotected sex.

Wow. I've never had
unprotected sex either.

- Are you just saying that?
- I'm serious. - You're not lying?

No, I mean, I've heard
great things about it.

Humanity is obsessed
with unprotected sex.

I don't know,
it's risky out there, man.

Diseases and shit.
I get tested every month.

Oh, yeah? Same.

You don't go to the twins
on 43rd, do you?

I... I can't believe
you're saying this.

- Oh my gosh.
- Yes.

I would trust those guys
with my life.

Honestly.
Totally.

I mean, they're literally
my emergency contact.

- Oh, that's a nice two for one.
- Quite the duo.

I can't believe you go to them.

Dad died when I was
in high school.

Mom died last year.
No, I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, it's okay.
- My mom died when I was three and a half.

My dad has issues, man.
He is a mess.

He's, like, agoraphobic
and a hoarder.

And he's kind of a deadbeat.
But I'm not trying to compete.

Deadbeat dad's not as tough
as a dead, dead dad.

Well, look, I think we can both
agree that deadbeat, dead-dead,

they both suck.
Yeah.

Oh, it's all a mess.

But I like to live with hope.
Today I saw a baby be born.

What?

Covered in shit.
It was life in a nutshell.

A perfect, flawless, newborn human
being enveloped in its mother's shit.

You should put that
on a t-shirt.

Thank you. Thank you.

Do you want to try just
moving it, right?

Really?

You want to try it?

You want to show me how to
breastfeed on your titties?

Show me how you'd breastfeed
your titties.

No, you try it.
No, you try it this way.

Hi, sweet baby. How are you enjoying
the wonderful world, cute stuff?

Here's your creams.
Witch Hazel for your labia,

Preparation H
for your hemorrhoids

and super strength ibuprofen
for all your other pains.

Bowel movement yet?
No, not yet.

Would you like the card
of a lactation consultant?

- Yes.
- No. - No.

Okay. I'll just hold it.
But I don't want it.

And before I go,
here's some diapers for you, cutie.

And some diapers for you.

Come on, bubba.

- It's okay.
- Come on.

Was it this hard the first time?

Like, I can't even remember.

Well, with Tommy

you had a third degree tear
with four hemorrhoids.

But this time, you only have
a second degree tear

with three hemorrhoids.

So you're kind of crushing it.

Aw.

You're doing great.

Okay, so...
what are you thankful for?

What am I thankful for?

Come on, It's our fourth train.

It's the nice part
of the holiday,

If you can ignore the genocide.

I don't know, I guess
I'm thankful for my Xbox.

Does that count?

Yes.
Good.

- What do you play?
- Street fighter.

Dude, all I do is Street Fighter.
Who is your character?

Chun-Li. That is so feminist.
I love it.

I mean, powerful thighs.
Unstoppable. Who's yours?

Ryu.
Loyal since day one.

- Wow.
- What?

Are we about to throw down?

I think I'm about to throw you
down and you don't stand a chance.

Wait, stop!

No I won't.

Is this even allowed?

You mean winning?

Okay. Even with a cheat?
Even with a cheat?

- No.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, sorry. I'm truly sorry...
Damn it.

That I'm shockingly good
at Street Fighter.

Do you think
that we are going to have sex?

- Sex?
- Yes, that.

Well, it's kind of up to us,
right? We could.

We could not.

I mean, it'd be nice.
How do you feel?

I feel like it would also
be nice.

I have just one big wrinkle.

Or it's more like one big gelatinous clot.
I am on my period.

And?

Cool.

Uhm, okay...

So then, I have an idea.

Our conversation
got my wheels turning

on those no-condom feels.

You know, I have my period,
so I can't get pregnant...

And I'm clean
by the Twins this month.

As am I.

Let's go ruin a towel.

Oh my God.

Do you speak other languages?

Umpah.

- Umpah.
- Wait.

- Cake or pie?
- Definitely pie.

Yes.

Wait, does cheesecake count?

Oh, that is the only cake
that may top pie.

Tell me when.

Not yet. - Tell me when.
- Not yet.

I studied French from
seventh grade to 12th grade,

and I... I know un per.

How about now?
Getting closer.

At Fourth Floor Walk-Up Yoga,

no one's judging your ass
through a window.

You're safe up here.

So as we close out this year,
fuck a resolution.

Just thank yourself for the
work you already did this year.

Whatever you're doing,
keep doing that.

Too soft.

Too hard.

Missing.
Missing?

I think what we want to do is
just really amp up your supply

so it forces its way out.

I'd like to recommend...

a hospital grade pump.

This is the one and only
Her Majesty.

I have seen Her Majesty pull milk
out of the nipples of boy children.

She's that powerful.

These are going super fast
from my Squarespace site:

Lactation Lesley dot com.

But I always bring an extra
one for in-person clients.

Okay, I'll get it.

Don't know why
we're milking boys, but...

You need it, sweetie.

Okay, I guess I'll just...

Well, I'm going to get
started now, so thank you.

You can go.

Oh my God.

Jesus Christ.
What happened to you?

I got sprayed by Tommy.
What?

He refuses to wear undies,
so now he wants diapers again.

Me too. So what?

Some of it got in my mouth.
Oh.

Is it weird that I love him so
much that I didn't even care?

Like it wasn't good,
but it tasted cute.

Oh my God, that is the most
romantic shit you have ever said.

I love you so much.

Don't ever tell anyone that story.
We are getting fucking weird.

I think Tommy's jealous that we're
giving Melani so much attention,

so he's regressing.
No, we have a baby.

We don't need another baby.

In fact, we had a second baby
because he's not a baby anymore.

We timed it perfectly, okay?

So talk to your boy and tell
him to lock it the fuck up.

I'm sure he's. gonna follow
that logic.

I have to be diligent with my
pumping with my low production.

I gotta...

get to it.
Mommy.

Daddy.
Okay, look, wait. Just wait.

Stop stop stop, please.

No. I made Melanie
with my body,

and I'm going to feed her
with my body.

I just have to figure out
how this thing works.

Wait a second, weren't you supposed
to hang out with Eden tonight?

Yeah, but I canceled
because I've got to pump.

Okay, listen, listen, listen,
listen. Put that down.

Stop.
What?

I go back to work next week, which means
it's going to be you and the babies

for a couple of months,
and then you go back to work.

I can't wait for the day.

So please take me up on this.

Go out tonight, have fun.

Relaxing a bit
will be good for production.

Oh my God, you're absolutely right.
I love you so much.

Bye. I'll miss you.

I'll miss you too.

Ooh! Pump and dump.

- Oh, and... oh.
- That's good. Thank you.

Wow.

Oh! Pump and dump!

Do it. Pump it and dump it.

One more time.
Pump, pump, pump it up.

Dump, dump, dump, dump,
dump it out.

Mmm, that was good.

I'm typically the ghost-er,
not the ghost-ee.

I just really liked him.

He even left his bow tie here
and hasn't asked for it back.

Okay, you fucked a guy
that owns a bow tie?

That's, uhm... charming.
Do you have any shrooms?

Can you pump and dump shrooms?

I can answer that.

I'm not producing anything. So,
you can't dump what's not there.

That's deep...

I think.

Shrooms, please.

New Year's, us, shrooms, please.

New year's, us...
What?

I can't say no to that.

Ow!
Aww.

Okay, I'm gonna go to my
secret spot and get 'em. Okay.

Oh, is this secret spot
in Fraggle Rock where...

Ooh! Yay!

You raw dogging it?

No, actually, do you have,
like, a crostini

or some butter
I can saute them in?

I need a little nosh
with my shrooms.

You are so classy it's insane.

Thank you.

This is our big titty Ted Talk.

You're my best friends.

I work for you.
I work for everyone.

We gotta feed our baby.

Moo!
Moo!

Hello, Dawn!
It's your titties.

We just woke the fuck up.

Know what girl?
Prepare for a flood.

Here we go!

Oh shit! Eden! Here we go!

Woo! Get me a bottle.

Okay, got it.

Woo! It's coming!

Bitch, I'm a cow!

You see this? Woo!

Yes! Yes. What?

Melanie, I'm coming home baby!
I'm coming home!

Ow!

Not again...

Whoa! Oh, God.

Come on, shrooms. Chill.

You are some silly Simon.

Oh...

I am not pregnant.
Come on, shrooms.

Ooh.

Am I over a toilet?
Completely.

Okay, okay.

Shall we make ice cream?

Fuck!

Ooh!

I feel like I could just
breastfeed the Knicks.

Dawn, uh...

Crisis.

Not in a sexual way, but...

also in a sexual way.

Line's positive.

Pregnant.

I feel this!

Oh, God.

Okay. I'm thinking maybe,
just maybe,

I am a pregnant person.

I'm 28 for 28.
I could do a 29th?

Yeah, no.

You are clearly pregnant.
Okay...

I... I don't know how
this could have happened.

I've had sex once since my last
period, but I was on my period.

- So?
- So you can't get pregnant on your period.

Girl.
- Girl? - Girl.

- Girl.
- Girl - Girl.

Yes you can.

Girl, stop!

Girl, you stop. We went to the same school.
We learned the same shit.

Come on. No you can't.

Ma'am, I'm a doctor.

You are a dentist.

You're a whore.

True.

You're a whore.
You're a flexible whore.

Better believe.

Maybe it's someone else?

No, Claude is the only person
it could be.

I don't even know his last name.

Maybe y'all got some mutual
people you know in common?

Oh, I don't think we do,
but uhm...

Actually.

Hey! Eden!
Hey, how are ya?

Long time no see.
So, what are we doing today?

Left arm, right arm?

Uhm, actually,
I am not here to get tested.

I am here to ask
about another patient.

LOL. His name is Claude.

Ooh, okay uh...

Yeah. We can't talk
about other patients.

I'm not sure
if you're familiar with HIPAA.

It's against the rules.
- HIPAA. - HIPAA.

- Familiar with HIPAA?
- HIPAA, oh yeah.

- We can't...
- Hope, HIPAA.

I got a tip up for ya.

It's that HIPAA.

Ooh, you hit the HIPAA?
- You hit the HIPAA. - He's hit the HIPAA.

Hungry, hungry HIPAA.

It's the H, the I, the P, the
P the A, the H, the I, the P.

Is HIPAA.

Totally respect.
Mhhm.

But the thing is I am...

pregnant with Claude's fetus.

I can't get him on the phone.
I don't know his last name.

You know how it is because you
test people who fuck a lot.

Uhm... he was just
in a Scorsese movie.

Do you know him?
Yeah, yeah.

We... we know exactly
who you're talking about.

He's beautiful, man.
Mm.

Kind... kind eyes.
He has kind eyes.

But here's the thing about
him, though. Uh...

He died.

He died. He's dead.

What?

That was very poorly done.
What do you mean?

Bro, I mean, the other thing
about him?

- It's hard news to break.
- Right.

When? How?

It was the day
after Thanksgiving.

Freak accident.
He choked on an almond.

We were really surprised
to get the call,

but also felt honored
that he saw us

as emergency contact level dudes.

He knows. Pretty cool.
Right.

Did he die alone?

Yes he... yes he did.
He died alone.

There wasn't anyone there
to deliver the Heimlich.

Yeah. It's perilous
to live alone.

One of the many reasons
I love living with this guy.

- Right.
- We give each other the Heimlich all the time.

- All the time.
- Yeah.

We had thin throats growing up.

I mean,
we have thin throats now.

We were born premature, so...
Yeah.

- And we eat too fucking fast.
- Too fast.

Me too.

Holy shit. I'm pregnant
with a dead man's baby?

I mean, I wouldn't say that... I mean,
he was alive when you fucked him.

He was alive. He was alive
when you...

But he is fucking currently.

Well, yeah.
Yeah.

- He's gone.
- Yeah, yeah.

- He's dead.
- Yeah.

Single mom.

She may not keep the baby. Choice.

Oh, right. Right.

Single...

I do think that the subway
sounds like

the Gregorian chants
from like the 1500s.

That's weird.

There it goes again.
There it is.

So you're sure that's a fetus

and not like my spleen got
loose and is floating around?

I am as certain as I am that this
combover is no longer working for me,

and I need a new idea.

Mmm.

I can't believe I got pregnant
on my period.

I thought that was impossible.
It's not likely, but possible.

Does the fetus look healthy?
Because I didn't know I was pregnant

and I've had
weed, shrooms, alcohol,

sushi, coffee
and unpasteurized cheese.

Well, if you decide to
continue with the pregnancy,

all of that has to stop.

But the fetus looks great.

We should do some genetic
testing to make sure

there aren't any big red flags.

Jewish people carry
certain diseases.

How did you know I was Jewish?

You put J on the form.
Oh, I filled it out. Yeah.

Okay. Do you only do
minority stuff?

Certain ethnicities carry
certain genetic diseases.

So genetic testing
is necessarily racist.

It's true. Doctor Morris wanted
to test me for sickle cell,

and I was offended.

Well, you called me
a white devil.

But turns out I'm a carrier, so this
white devil knows what he's talking about.

So we don't have
the father's DNA?

No.
Okay, well we have your DNA,

so you can schedule
a screening with the Quest,

and you can have the results
on your phone in a jiff.

Okay. Guess I'll go swab up
some Jew cells.

Hey big boy, you wanna
help Mama clean?

Okay.

Oh come on, I have refreshed
this app so many times

my phone is starting to get hot.

You don't have to do anything
you don't want to do.

Honestly? Honestly, you wouldn't
judge me if I got an abortion?

Even if the baby's healthy?
Absolutely not.

Look, you got to think
about yourself, Eden, okay?

This is all about your choice
and what's good for you.

Oh, the results are in,

It says no red flags. And...

It's all good.

Listen. It's okay.

I have your back,
no matter what.

Truly, truly, truly,
you will be there for me

every step of the way,
no matter what choice I make?

I need to know that.

Yes.

Okay.

I am going to have...

A baby.
I'm going to have the baby.

Mom? Yeah.

Okay. Yes. I'm going
to be a mother.

I'm going to be a mommy,
I like that.

Okay, mamacita.
No, that's appropriation.

Okay, I'm having a baby.

Okay? Yes, dog.

Yeah. It just feels
like destiny.

And this is Destiny's Child.
Can you believe that?

Did you hear that,
Destiny's Child?

Oh! Jumpin', jumpin'.

Whoa. Okay. It's on.

Eden. Are you sure about this?

Because the hormones
can be pretty intense...

Hormones? LOL.

Mitch McConnell,
uhm, I love you. What?

Eden, I just want to...

I'm just trying to say...
What I'm... I'm just.

Dawn, you think I can do this.
Right?

Mama! Melanie's
waiting for you.

- Yeah.
- Yes!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Mommy, really.

- Yes.
- Yes.

You did not tell me how
sexy it is to be pregnant.

Were you crazy horny?

It comes out of nowhere.

I honestly can't even remember.

Hey.

But girl, you been to
the grocery store lately?

That produce is teasing us.

Two orgasms are better than one.

She's here, she's here.

Nanny Dani is here.

Oh, thank God.

You had just moved here

and I went to the new
playground with Tommy.

Everyone was so fancy up there.

One fancy couple liked
how I played with Tommy

and want me to go
and work for them,

and I say I can't.

I work for Marty and Dawn, but they
asked me, just babysit one night.

And I said, okay.

When fancy parents came back, they offered
me fancy drinks and fancy desserts.

One fancy thing led to another and
they offered me a full time job.

And I said yes.

- Whore.
- You don't mean that. She doesn't mean that.

You're not that.

Do you have any advice for me
as an upcoming black parent?

No, because you're
not a black parent.

You're going to be a white
parent of a half black child.

Yes. Excellent note.

Hey, how's everything going?

Pregnancy wise, I'm killing it.

I don't have morning sickness,
but I do have morning horniness.

Afternoon and night as well.

Well, that is wonderful.

This... Just don't look at it.
It's just way out of hand.

Okay, well,
I read that it's good

to have a birth plan,
and I read some basic ones,

and they are just so sterile.

I mean, all they talk about
is medicine and apparatuses.

I'm like, cool?

I want this birth
to be original,

one that celebrates humanity.

I'm thinking less
in clinical terms

and more along the line
of theme.

And the theme of my birth will be,
drumroll please, Doctor Morris.

Prom.

Prom sucked for me,
Claude hated it too.

A person, giving birth
should be the prom of life.

That's when the pageantry
is truly deserved.

So welcome to...
Eden's prom birth extravaganza.

I've already started building
a epic Spotify playlist.

Okay, I'll, I'll read this when I
have a chance to really take it in.

Actually, that's the only
hard copy I have,

so I will email you guys PDFs.

And now guys we're going to
gently go into downward dog, okay?

Let's go into upward dog.

Oh, it is scorching out here.

What? It's 61 and beautiful.
You are scorching.

Oh, man. It feels like
the surface of the sun.

God, I am flying
through underwear.

Oh, yeah,
the random vagina waters.

It's not piss, it's not sweat.
It's just like a...

A proper mix, like...
like salad dressing.

You sure you gonna be okay
to babysit?

Oh, yeah. Of course.

You and Marty
deserve a date night.

Never treble burped before.

You look good, though, bitch.
Let's go.

Yes. Oh, are you crowning?

We don't know,
but you got a crown on.

I don't know if you're giving
me Little Kim or Rachel Dolezal,

but I'm here for it.

Give me, 'Oops. Did I
just have the last donut?'

What?

Give me shy whore.
You know how to do it.

Hi.

Babe, we got to go to dinner.

I'm in the zone, Marty.

Why is she wearing
a mosquito net?

That's fine.

Jesus Christ,
you scared me, Tommy.

Okay, I'm not
your mommy or your daddy.

I've always considered us friends.

So as a friend, what is
going on with the baby thing?

I don't know, it's fun.

It's fun.

I hear that, but I don't know.

To me, being a baby
looks like it sucks.

Like if you were a big boy, I'd
ask you to watch this with me.

It's an R-rated movie.

It's called The Omen.
It's about a boy like you.

- Is he a big boy or a baby?
- He's actually the devil.

Woo?

What's the devil?

Okay, let's just watch.
No more spoilers.

But if I let you watch,
you cannot tell your parents, okay?

And you're going
to stop acting like a baby.

Deal?

Deal.
Okay.

He a big boy.

Oh, with a paci, but...

It's a start.

Whoa! That was intense.

It's your tone.
I have no tone.

- That's the tone I'm...
- Shh!

Hey. He uh... couldn't sleep.

It's okay.
All right, buddy, let's go.

Let's go upstairs.
Come on, Tommy.

Come on.
There we go.

Oh, we're still doing
the paci? Okay.

You got it? All right.
Say good night to Eden.

Oh, what a good dada.

Dada can go fuck himself.
Totally.

The whole night,
he was just going on and on

and on about
my low milk production.

I mean, he even said I should
quit because I'm stressed

and that I should feel
more confident

and I should feel good
about myself.

And he said I was beautiful.
That sucks.

When you hear that from somebody
who love and supports you.

It's the worst.
He's such a know it all.

Are you guys
having sexual intercourse?

No. Not since Melanie
was born.

That makes sense.
That makes a ton of sense.

It's not like I don't want
to, I do.

Did you see him in that sweater?

He looks good.

What parent wears white clothing?
It's wild.

But there's never a time because we're
so busy and have so many things to do.

And he's always holding a kid,
which is really hot.

But you can't just knock the kid
out of his hand and sit on his dick.

That's not how life works.

God, gotta go milk the donuts.

Here we go again.

All right, I'm going
to ask you something.

How many feedings
are you getting in

with your titty milk
for Melanie in a day.

Like, one day?

You know how the earth spins
on an axis?

I know how it works,
yeah, a day.

So, I would say one-ish

Bitch.

- Bitch.
- Mm-mm bitch.

- Bitch.
- Bitch. - Biatche.

- Bitch.
- Bitch. - Bitch.

- Bitch.
- The stories you tell yourself, bitch.

- Bitch.
- Bah bah bah bitch. - Bitch.

Come on, dude,
why are you doing it?

I just...

I just want that feeling
of nourishing.

You want to nourish?
I laugh at that.

All you do is nourish.

You nourish Melanie,
you nourish Tommy,

you nourish Marty,
you nourish me,

you nourish
the fucking mail carrier.

You nourish the bodega guy, you
walk in a room, you're sunshine.

You're giving light, warmth,
energy without even trying.

All you do is nourish.

You're... You're a night time
cruise buffet of nourish.

Enough.

Okay, uhm... Wow.

You know, honestly,
I could use a little break

because my nipples,
they look like, uhm...

Have you ever seen a sausage,
but not in the casing?

That's what my nipples
look like.

They look like
a melted Tootsie roll,

just a very long, brown,
skinny, sugary sweet.

Ew? Mm.

Sometimes I feel like
getting my nipple in my bra

is like figuring out
how to fold a fitted sheet.

There's just so many corners.

Something to look forward to.

It's just, I don't want
to be a quitter.

You don't have to go out
on breastfeeding

with your tail
between your legs.

You can fucking attack.

I love that flower pot.
Oh, sorry.

But I also love that.

Ooh.

Come on. Is it
the espadrilles?

Ha!

No, Dawn,
I want to see you destroy.

Everything about our bodies
is wrong.

You get a complex
that you're not enough,

so here it is. What are you
going to do?

Okay, uhm... Yeah.

You made me feel like I suck,
and I know I don't suck.

You don't suck shit!

Oh, God, I think
I peed a little.

That's right. - You want to pump some more?
- That's right.

- You wanna pump some more?
- Get him, Tony!

- Do you wanna pump some more?
- Get him Tony!

- Do you want to pump some more?
- Get him Tony!

What's that? What's that,
you finicky little bitch?

Oh, you want me
to light you on fire?

No problem.

Help me up.

So make sure that Tommy
wears his big boy undies

and that he sits on the potty. He
won't like it, but definitely...

I understand, I will do my best.

Uhm... God, what else
was I gonna say?

It's been so long
since I've been back to work.

I'm just, uhm...

Don't worry, I've got this.
I'm from East New York.

I raised, like, 438 kids.

Okay, great.
I'm gonna get going then.

Go start your work life.

I'm gonna start
my work life. Thank you.

What are you, like,
the Puerto Rican Brene Brown?

Dominican, but it's okay,
my husband's Boricua.

Welcome back, kiddo!

Hi honey!

Look at you.
Look at me.

Your timing is perfect.
I just heard back.

You're one of the finalists
for the Invisalign campaign.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

They're down to three.

Oh that's great.

That is so great. We could
really use the extra money.

I always dreamed I'd be
one of those nine out of ten

dentists agree spokespeople
for commercials.

But I just never had the chin
for TV.

You have it.

You know what?

You have a shot because you
are good looking for a dentist.

I think this
was a compliment, right?

And I have found
in my experience,

good looking dentists
are serial killers,

but not you.

Fingers crossed. I'm going to
keep you posted on this one, okay?

Thanks.

Welcome back.
Come on, come on everybody.

Hey, Tommy.
Just coming to check.

Did you put on
your big boy undies?

Ah...

Babe, I am so sorry, but
I can't make the amnio.

Our new nanny just quit.

I didn't know Satan worship was
a part of regression for a child,

but I got to get the fuck home.

He drew six six sixes and upside
down crosses all over his room.

He hissed at her in tongues.

Uh, anyways, I'm so sorry.
Good luck, Boo!

Hey Dad. It's
Eden, your grown daughter.

Uhm, I just wanted to let you
know that I'm having a baby.

And I have a really big
appointment today. Amniocentesis.

I know you don't like
tall buildings

or... or small buildings
or hospitals,

but I was just curious
if you might want to come.

I can text you the details.
I know, I know, it's last minute.

Either way, though, congratulations.

You're... you're going
to be a grandpa, so...

Yeah. Okay.

Bye.

Woah.
Looking good.

Fantastic head shape.

Hey, speaking of head shape,
what do you think?

You know, with the shaved.

It's nice.

It's terrible,
but I appreciate it.

Do you want to know the sex?
No, thank you.

I don't want to put a binary
on them right now,

but I feel like I know.
Maternal intuition.

It is a male spirit.
Uhhuh.

How wild is it to have a
vagina and be growing a penis?

I have a baby dick
inside of me? What?

Yeah. I never thought of that.

Little fetus penis.
That almost rhymes.

But I don't want
to know formally,

because I want Dawn here
for that.

And I'm pretty sure she'd
want to be here for that, too.

Just to toss it out...

You might want to hire a doula
just in case Dawn's too busy

with, you know, her family.

Wait, what? Say it again.

Well, Dawn might be too busy with her
family, you know, given the schedule.

No, no, no.
Dawn and I are family.

We are sisters.
- Uh-huh. - Spouses.

Parents to each other at times.

So I just hear you, thank you,
but no thank you.

So, uhm...

Amnio time. You ready?
It's a pretty big needle.

Yes. Just don't stab
my baby's dick.

I'm going to be more worried
about the head.

Both are precious.

It's a good sized pocket.

Thank you.

Oh, what?
I told you it was big.

That's not big.
That's... that's LOL.

What are we...

That's for my...

- Yeah.
- Cool.

No. Cool.
- Okay, you ready? - Mh-hm.

- Okay.
- Mh-hm.

All right.

No no no no no no no no no.
Just stop.

Just give me a sec.
Just give me a sec.

Wow, you are such a big man.
You need that needle.

It does... You're double my size.

What do you need
this needle for?

It does eventually have to go
inside to get the fluid.

That needle's nuts!

Okay, what about a blindfold?

How about that?

We don't blindfold our
patients, it's... it's unethical.

Okay, how about a gag? Hm?

No gags, no blindfolds.

We don't do medicine that way.
It'll be fine.

You won't even feel it.
Okay, okay.

Okay? Good.

Doctor Morris.

- Good, good, good.
- Je trust.

Okay.

No, no!

Mm-mm No. Sorry.

I wasn't even close.

Mm, I was ready, but I...

Okay.
Okay, okay.

Okay.
I'll gag you.

Ah...

Now don't tell anyone.

Perfect.

Oh, Jesus.

Sorry Doctor Morris!

This is my dad. Oh.

What are you doing
to my kid, man?

You could come in and just...
Just take a seat.

- Okay.
- Hi.

How you doing?

Ready?
Mh-hm.

Okay, there it is.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Keep going, keep going,
keep going.

Sorry.
I'm sorry, honey.

If this isn't good...
No, no, no.

It's great, it's great,
it's fantastic.

So who's the uhm...
Who's the dad?

This guy Claude.

He reminds me of Mom, actually,
from what you've described.

Where the fuck is he?

He died.

Oh wow.

He is like Mom.

Shit.

Yeah.
Honey, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

Does he have any family?

Not really. It's just small
like ours.

Not a lot left.

I tracked down his closest
relative who got his ashes.

It was his second cousin,
and we zoomed.

I thought it was going to be
this mind blowing moment,

but it definitely
just creeped her out.

W... were you together long?

No, not... not long.

But I don't know,
I don't know...

It was an important connection.

A real connection.

Connection?

It can't be measured in time,
you know?

Grammy and grandpa
were together for 50 years.

They hated each other's guts.

And I know, myself, I've not been the
best parent, perhaps, in the world.

But maybe one of the perks of being
a bad dad is that, I don't know...

You turned out so good.
So, so strong, so resourceful.

So you think if you were a good
dad, I'd be a worse person?

Exactly. That's exactly
what I mean.

I mean, there's all kinds of great
dads out there with shitty kids, right?

That's true.
That's really true.

If a guy like me, right, with the scant
crumbs of parenting that I put forth,

can call somebody as sensational
as you are his daughter,

Well, you got this.

You can do this.

Thanks, Dad.

Look, honey, I know this
should be, like, a great time

for this to turn into a
Nora Ephron movie, you know?

And I come to all
your appointments and stuff,

but I'm sorry, honey, I just can't,
I won't. It's not going to happen.

You know, just sitting here,
I just start to feel.

I'm just... My heart's racing.
It's just not good.

I don't feel good. You know,
I feel you.

It's okay. This...

This was good.
I got a lot out of this crumb.

No, it... it sucks.

But I want you to know that I would
really love to meet your baby someday.

Okay? But I gotta go...
I gotta go now. I'm sorry.

Thanks, Dad.
Okay.

I missed the Invisalign meeting.

They're going to go with someone
else and we need that money.

Okay, but I can't
take time off work like you.

Just give it a couple more
weeks, we'll find another Nanny.

Guys. Hey, guys.

Hey. I got your message.

I was just in the area
after my appointment

and saw your share location
was here.

Used my keys. Hey.
So, uh, yeah.

Good news from the appointment
is my, appetite's coming back?

So, uhm, 'sup?

Uhm...

My amnio was pretty good,

but Doctor Morris was
just like, "Where's Dawn?"

And I didn't know what to say.
He was kind of pissed and sad.

Just because you said you were
going to be at all the appointments.

So just maybe
you shouldn't miss more.

Our children
were almost abandoned

because you decide
to show Tommy The Omen.

He just demon-ed our nanny
right out of our house.

Whoa! He told you?
We had a deal.

We, you know,
pinky-sweared out or whatever,

but that's their language
at that point.

He's four going on one.

He's not beholden
to pinky swears, Eden.

I'm so sorry.

I was trying to do a nice
thing, and it backfired.

And I'll...

I'll go.

Okay, I'll see ya.

Okay, one last thing.
Oh my God.

Doctor Morris was just like,
"Maybe you should get a doula."

And I was like, "What?
What are you talking about?"

"I don't think Dawn's going
to miss more."

So should I even consider
getting a doula?

Yeah.

I think you should get a doula
because we have no childcare.

Get a doula.

Got it. Okay,
I'm going to get a doula.

Just get a back up doula.
Not a definite doula.

I'm going to get a doula back up.
Not a doula definite.

No. You should get a doula
as a definite.

Definitely get yourself a doula

I... I... I got it.

Sorry about that. All right.

I'll uh...

You can have the chips.

Why does she still have a key?
I don't know.

Same.

Crazy. Your face,
your resume, your vibe.

We are very similar.

I think you're gonna find that all
doulas are super similar to you, dude.

You should just be a doula.

Thank you.

I'm looking for a backup Dawn,
and she's like a foil,

whereas you're like a...
Saran wrap.

You know...
I know what you mean.

I'm going to have to pass.

Okay. You can go.

Why am I a doula as a man?
Simple.

I just want to honor
the female body.

Get out!

I'm sorry. I know it sounds
creepy, but it's true.

I really mean it.

Let me hear it one more time.

I want to honor the female body.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I'm backwards. but
when you say that I get sick.

That's your journey.

Okay, don't say journey.

Get out of here.

Your name? Dragana.

What does that mean,
a female dragon?

No.

I figured. I was just joking.

So what's your experience level?

40 years doula,
40 years wet nurse.

You've been a wet nurse
for 40 years?

Lactating every day since 16.

Hallelujah.

I mean, people don't even know
about the phenomenon of wet nursing,

keeping milk pumping through your
titties to feed other people's babies.

I love this, this electricity.

You're the one.
You're back up, Dawn.

Okay.

Tommy.

You gonna be good to Blanche?

Blanche, you're not afraid of
witches or anything like that?

Demons, chupacabras?

You can say so. - No?
- No judgment.

You're locked in.
You are locked in.

Bye. You guys.

Bye. Love you so much.

The good times are here.

Tommy, be good.

Love you so much.
See ya!

Mom!

Mom! Mommy!

Mommy! Mom!

Happy Birthday, dear Daddy

Happy Birthday to you

The monsters are gonna be
faster than the humans.

Dawn!

Good to see you. Been a while.

Yeah, you too.

I've been swamped.

Work and kids and work and kids.

It was also Marty's birthday
weekend. No big deal.

More work, more kids.

But I took the day off to sort of
break it up to be here. So, yeah.

I am so grateful
to have you back.

I'm running on fumes.
Oh yeah, the end.

Yeah, so close but so far. And
it only gets worse from here.

My wife and I had a babymoon
little trip,

before the baby was born
to celebrate.

Because you don't have time after, right?
That's right.

It's the last time I had hair.

And truthfully, a wife.

Oh.

Oh no, she's not dead.
She just hates bald guys.

Tried to fix it
with these stupid plugs,

but now I look like
a fucking monster.

No, you're wearing plugs?
I had zero clue.

Same. They look natural.

Very, like, I want to run
my finger in that.

Thank you. Still, a babymoon
is a good idea.

That is a really good idea.
I just uhm...

It would be so weird
and sad to go alone.

I would go with you.
What?

Yeah I... I really need this...
To do for you.

I want to do this for you.

You're a good doctor.

Whoo! All right!

Mama's ready to let her hair
down and take her tits out.

I'm free. Oh my God.

Oh, my God, I haven't been
on a bridge in a while.

When I say baby,
you say moon, baby...

- Moon.
- Baby... - Moon.

- Baby...
- Moon.

Babymoon, here we go.

Okay, I'm just gonna lay back.

Woo!

Welcome, champagne?

Hi, I'll take these.
Thank you.

- Hi. Oh, sorry, I'm pregnant.
- Okay.

So, do you have anything
that's non-alcoholic?

Yeah. Of course.
Here you go.

Oh, actually, is this one of
those flowers you can eat?

Like, one of those fun,
edible flowers or just a...

big dumb flower you plopped
in the water.

I don't know,
these are just the flowers

we have here in all the water.

Well, I'll pass.

Okay, of course. No problem.

Congrats, by the way.

Oh, thank you.
Yeah.

Out of this world.
Whoo! Okay!

Yes, I'm getting country,
I'm getting city.

I'm just feeling wealthy.

Oh, hey! Oh, ho!

Oh my God, look at this bed.
Yes.

Look at you.
So Japanese and so Feng Shui.

Get on here.
It's so comfortable. Try it.

Oh my goodness.

Oh, and there's free wine.

Ohh...

That is... sounds good.

Okay.

It's a cab sauv.

My favorite.
Ohh.

I'm gonna go wash my poon
because she is feeling dank.

- Ohh. - Comfy, right?
- Yes.

Bitch, it's a babymoon.

Whoo!

Ah, I don't...

Oh, okay. That...
that did help.

Okay.

Ah!

Welcome. Dawn on this table,
other guest on this one.

Please undress and get settled,
and we'll be back in a moment.

Thank you.

Okay. Can you lay
on your stomach, please?

Oh. No, I'm... I'm pregnant.

Okay.

There is a button to click
if you are pregnant.

Just so we can get a special
trained person for you.

Did you click it?
I didn't book it.

She did. Dawn, did you click
a pregnant button?

Oh, so good already right there.

Okay, so...
what. should we do?

I don't know, I've never worked
on a pregnant person before,

so I just don't want to do
something wrong.

I guess I have this fear
that I will tweak a nerve

of yours, and then the blood flow
gets cut off and the baby drops dead.

Jesus.

Very dark. Yeah,
we don't want to do that.

I don't want to waste
your money or your time.

So let me just think of something
else I could do for you, okay?

Oh, yeah.

How about a nice foot massage?

I don't think I could kill
your baby through your feet.

You know what?

A foot massage sounds good,
but could we, pump the brakes

on the baby killing verbiage?

No more of that. Now, let's
get going on those feet, okay?

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

So good.

Could you go a little firmer?

It feels like a bug
is crawling on my feet.

I just don't want
to press too hard because...

Well, you don't want me to say.

When you say you don't want me
to say, I know what you mean.

So it still kills the vibe.

Could you give me
any pressure, please?

Okay.

Oh, it's so good.

Oh, your hands are magic.

Ooh, sorry it took so long, honey.

I washed my hands, like, 50 times.
The soap is so good.

Smell. It's a jelly.

Okay? I can't eat anything
right now.

I would eat those hands.

So good. I took some
to take home.

I was just gonna ask you
how the house is feeling now.

A little while in.

Are you guys still thinking of
making the basement an Airbnb?

Ugh, the quote from the
contractor was crazy,

so we don't even know
if it's worth it.

Okay, so I... I had an idea.

Wine plate for you. Thank you.

- Water for you, flower on the side.
- Thank you so much.

Mmm. You know what? Excuse me.

Can I get another flight?
Yes, ma'am.

Thank you. Just making
a round trip.

Ooh.

That is delicious. Ooh.

Oh, it's a little buttery.

Ahh.

So, you said you had an idea.
What is it?

Maybe not while you're drunk.

It's a little more serious.
I'm not drunk.

I'm just relaxed,
I'm having fun.

I'm a little tipsy.

Okay, okay.

Well, I was thinking, what
about instead of an Airbnb,

me and my baby moved in.

Are you serious?
Yeah I am.

Can't you picture it?

You guys upstairs
and me and my baby downstairs.

Just around.

You know, we just would
never have to say goodbye.

We would have that casual
see you later vibes.

I... just going through this,
I would love that comfort.

And, come on, we always
dreamed of living like that.

Girl, we dreamed about
that shit when we were 11.

We were children.

We're grown ups now, adults.

That's not realistic. Okay?

Okay.

But we never dreamed at any age

of taking four trains
for two hours

to hang out for 45 minutes where you're
pretty bitchy and not fun the whole time.

Can I be honest with you?

I am exhausted.

Exhausted actually doesn't
even cover it.

I... I did this to myself.

I'm mind fucked myself.

Because when your first kid
gets a little older,

you think, "Wow, this isn't so bad.
I could do this again."

And like a fucking lunatic,
you have a second child

thinking that shit's going
to be easier.

And it's not.

The first year with your second
child is a special kind of hell.

It is vicious, relentless.

An endless loop
of other people's needs.

Which is why me and the
basement would be chill.

Chill?

You think this would be chill? In my
already suffocating, storm of shit fire.

You decided to have a baby
with a random fucking stranger.

Whoa. Hurtful dude.

Claude really meant something
to me.

And I know all this
may be weird,

and do I wish I was normal?

Do I wish I could live
in boring, predictable bliss?

Of course I do, but I'm not.

I had something special
with this one person.

So here we are.

And sure, I'm scared
of the decision I made.

I feel, like,
a lion is chasing me scared.

But I know that we can handle
anything together,

and we wouldn't even have
to be having this conversation

if you didn't just up and move to the
Upper West Side without even consulting me.

Oh my God, I do not
have to consult you.

Adults don't plan their lives
around their best friends.

Jesus Christ Eden, with the 11 year
old dreams and the birth prom plan.

You live like a child.

Have you even started to prep
baby stuff in your house?

Or are you just waiting for me
to do it?

No, you know what
you're waiting for?

You want to move into my house
and mooch off of my family?

Fuck you.

Best friends are so
fucked over in adulthood.

If we don't couple ourselves
off, we are fucked.

Not everybody's made up
like that.

I've known you twice as long
as Marty.

And a lifetime longer than Tommy
and Melanie's brand new ass.

What? Just because we're not
blood related, we're not family?

That's bullshit.
You and me, we're family.

We're family.

I have a family.

Listen. And I say this
for your own good.

Rather than living together and
becoming too reliant on each other,

I think it's good for us to take
some space, gain our independence.

We can just focus
on our families.

I can focus on mine,
you can focus on yours.

I really do think
this will be for the best.

Yeah, I think
it will be fucking great.

Marty?

Marty?

We're in the kitchen.

What was that?

What is going on?

What is that smell?

I tried to get Tommy
on the potty again.

We flushed, and then the pipes
backed up and everything exploded.

Tommy's never getting back
on the potty.

Neither will I.

So, I figured out what happened.

There was a clog
in an old original pipe.

I'm talking about
a 200 year old clog here.

Centuries of new shit just piling up
on old shit and just pushing that shit.

Almost like new shit was
shitting out the old shit.

And I mean, like,
Revolutionary War dook, man.

It's like New Amsterdam, Arakaka.

And suddenly it all went pop!

That's the nightmare we're all
smelling up our noses right now.

We see it all the time.

You see this all the time?

Our home is a functional sewer.

In New York, constantly.

There's a brownstone joke
there to make.

Some plumbers do, but I don't.

I've given my whole fucking
life to fighting stench.

Okay. Thank you
for your service.

Can you please not touch that?
Nice counter.

Oh my God.

Oh, my...

Okay. I'll be right there.
Thank you.

Whoa! You okay?

Okay, am I okay?

Our house oozes of civil war,
racist dumps.

It smells like
Thomas Jefferson's colon,

A... and you want to know
if I'm okay?

No, I'm not okay. All right?

I just can't take it anymore.

What can't you take?
It!

What is it?

I don't know what it is.

And that's part of the problem too.
I can't pinpoint what it is.

I just know
that I can't take it.

I just feel like I have it all
and nothing at once.

I couldn't wait
to get back to work,

but then at work,
I missed the kids

and I feel like a bad parent
because I'm not with them.

And when I'm home, I don't
want to fucking be here.

I want to be motherfucking
free and...

And I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being in such
a bad mood all the time.

You're doing so good.

Just trying to hold it
together for me

and the kids, and always
in a good mood,

and always cleaning and never
complaining about all the shitty diapers.

So... I just want to say
thank you for that.

I'm sorry I'm such a bummer.

It's okay.

I understand.

You do?

You know sometimes
when I'm alone,

I'll just scream
for three or four seconds.

And it helps.

I don't know what it helps,
but it helps.

It's so weird because...

I hate work.

But I can't be home all day.
And then I feel guilty,

and I'm with the kids
and I love the kids,

but they're fucking exhausting.

And then I go back to work
and nobody gives a fuck.

Best case scenario,
I work my entire life.

And then I die while the
kids are healthy and happy.

That's the pinnacle.

Death followed by mild relief.

We are so fucked.

I am so glad to be so fucking
fucked with you though.

Come on.

Wait.

Throw this on the floor.

- Take this off.
- Okay, let's do it.

Okay, I'm gonna take it off.

Threw me for a loop,
my packages.

Okay.

This is what all that...

practice is for.

Okay, guys.

Don't have to do
total no talking.

Pretty normal, successful bitch.

I love her so much.

Okay, guys.

I'm gonna have
to make some cuts.

Pineapple, milk, gherkins.
You guys are too heavy.

Little prime, I'll be back.

Ooh-ee.

Okay.

No more. I can't be pregnant anymore.

How do we finish this, please?

Well, technically, at 37
weeks, you are at full term.

But the due date is 40, and
New York State allows 42.

42 weeks?

That's almost a year.
That is bullshit.

Can we do anything
to speed this up?

C-section, induction
and also a membrane sweep.

But that's not medically
sound for you.

Can I eat more fiber? A baby
is not a bowel movement,

so no. There are other things
that people say might help.

They may not be medically sound,

but if you're really desperate.

Yeah, I'm... I'm desperate.

Stimulating the nipples, that releases
oxytocin, contracts the uterus.

So is it me? Does it
have to be somebody else?

Well, you can always ask someone to do it.
Sex, they say, helps.

I don't know, maybe it's the
gyration, possibly the orgasms.

Great. Know anybody who likes
somebody almost about to give birth?

Castor oil, they say might help,
one or two tablespoons daily.

In my pussy?
No, no, you drink it.

Oh, got you.

Uh, dates, pineapple,
red raspberry leaf tea.

Also oral, or is that...?
All of it is oral.

I just want to do whatever
is going to get the baby out.

Well, a red raspberry tea
douche will not do it.

Gotcha. All oral,
lest we forget.

Hi, honey. I got great news.

The other good looking
dentist they got for the gig.

He's indeed a serial killer.

- Oh.
- But this is good news for you. They called.

They want you.
Oh, my God, they want me.

But you're going to have
to fly out tomorrow

to San Francisco
to do the filming.

Ahh.

Oh, hey.
Hi. You picked up.

Yeah. Sorry.

I've been, pretty busy.

Okay. Sure.
Yeah, I get it.

Are you on an airplane? I am,
I got the Invisalign campaign.

They're sending me out
to shoot it.

Oh my God, yes.
That's great.

Does that help for the money with the uh...
with the shit pipe repairs?

I wish.

Our place is damn near condemnable.

We're basically holding back our
next flood with a piece of duct tape.

We're just gonna have to
move all together, you know?

We're looking for a place,
maybe in the suburbs.

That's amazing.

Okay, you can't even
not wince at me just saying,

"Looking at a place
in the suburbs."

It's partly that, but also, my stomach's
been cramping like crazy for hours.

Are you having contractions?
I don't think so.

I called Doctor Morris a couple
times yesterday, and they weren't.

And these are weaker than
yesterday, so we'll see. I'm ready.

Mh-hm. I totally get it.
With Tommy, I just drank

a bunch of castor oil
to, like, push it along.

Dude, I chugged it.

But I think I want some
chocolate almond milk right now.

I'll BRB.

Apologies, you might
get flashed.

Oh, okay.

Eden.
What?

Bend over.

Perv.
Just do it, bend over.

Yo, your pussy is very fucking open.
How long you been hurting?

Hours, but I'm really
feeling it now

that I'm letting myself feel it.

You need to go now.
Call the hospital.

Oh my God. What?

Phones off.
The cabin is closed.

Ma'am, I'm going to need you
to turn your phone off.

Ma'am.
I'm so sorry, okay?

This is so rude, but I'm literally.
being yelled at.

Go to the hospital now.
Goodbye, I love you.

Oh, God. Dragana!

Where's the Lyft?

Almost here. Was surge.

Why kept canceling.

If shit hits fan,
I have many times

to reach in
and pull out the baby.

Let's hope it doesn't come
to that.

I don't enjoy it, but I do it.

You go ahead.

Let's go my little MILF to be.

No, wait, actually, I... I forgot you suck.
I'm taking a Lyft.

Come on, Eden,
I'm not missing this.

Admit you were a legit asshole

about me
and Claude's connection.

I was a legit asshole about
you and Claude's connection.

Admit you and me are family.

We're family.

I am so sorry.

Okay.

I'm sorry too.

I took advantage of how much
you can hold, and I piled it on.

I know I'm a lot.

Dragana, we're riding
with this bitch.

Just keep breathing.
Keep breathing.

Here we go.

Here we go!

Yep, yep.

My streamers.

Oh, sorry.
Forgot you, baby girl.

Let's go have a baby.

Breathe.

Five, four, three, two, one!

This position isn't helping.
Let's turn her over.

Hands and feet, hands and feet.

Okay, what's happening?

Why am I in doggy style? I don't
wanna doggy style with my baby.

This is a common birth position.
Can you move down?

No, I'm up here!

Okay, I'll come to you.
Okay.

We'll do it right here.
Here comes another one.

Here comes another one. Good,
good, good, good, good, good, good.

Push, push, push, push.
Push, push, push!

I'm doggy style with my baby,
I feel weird about it.

Push this last one. Push.

I see the head, push!

Okay, I think.
I have to shit.

I don't want to shit
on my baby like Dawn.

Dude it was disgusting what you did.
Okay.

Keep pushing.
Last push.

Good, good, good.

There we are,
there we are, there we are!

Perfect, perfect.

You did it!

You did it.

I did it.

Okay, we're gonna
cut the cord now.

No, no, no, I want
Dawn to cut the cord.

- Okay.
- I would be... I would be honored.

Obviously.

There you are. Right there.

Okay.

Oh my God.

Oh my God. My baby had a baby.

- I love you so much.
- I love you too.

Thank you for being here.
Where the fuck else would I be?

Okay, just a few more pushes.

Is there another one in there?

It's the placenta.

They don't tell you
about this part.

I'll take placenta.

It makes smoothies.

Okay. That's a choice.
Here we go.

This is just ridiculous.

Great.

Oh, God. That's wild.

Smells good, doesn't it?
Oh, God.

Shut up!

Okay.

Yeah, man. Give me my boy.

I didn't want to rain
on your maternal instincts.

But, it's a girl.
It's always been a girl.

I had two pussies?
Mhhm.

Holy shit.

This is crazy.
This is fucking crazy.

How are we not talking
about this all the time?

We grow bodies inside of our bodies.
What the fuck?

This person just came out
of my vagina.

This is all the hot news

anchors should be covering
twenty-four seven.

People coming out of pussies.

Every day for thousands
and thousands of years.

What the fuck?

You're so beautiful.

You're so beautiful.

What? What?

Congrats!
Congrats!

You're ready to go home.

No, no, I'm not ready.
Yes, you are.

You can do it.
And we need the bed.

But before you go,
a few parting gifts,

some extra diapers
for her and some for you.

Oh, good. I dropped a deuce a
little while ago, so thank you.

You're not supposed to poop
in your diaper.

It's for blood. Get that off.

See? I'm not ready.
I'm shitting myself wrongly.

Shh.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Thank you guys so much.

Really, really...

Mm-mm-mm.

Hey.

Yes. Please yes.
Please yes. Please. Yes.

Oh, yes.
Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.
Okay. Okay.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Okay, just one second.

Astoria, please.

I'll fucking kill you!
I'll fucking kill you!

I'll fucking kill you both!

Okay. It's okay. Oh, fuck.

Welcome home, Claudette.

All right.

Welcome home, Claudette.

Okay. Wow.

This is where we live.

You're gonna have sleep overs in here.
Because we're gonna share the bedroom.

This is where
you're gonna sleep.

All right, we got this. We got this, baby.
We got this.

Oh, yeah.

I love you, Claudette.

Ready buddy?
Hey Little sleepy girl.

It's gonna be great.

Hi!
Hey.

Oh my God.

Thank you guys for coming to us.

Of course, whoever has the
youngest we do the commuting for,

it's only fair.
Oh, I love that rule.

Well, that's why I got the tickets, so.
Let's go.

Oh, nice.
Let's do this.

Yeah, I can't wait.
You got it?

Yep, I got you.
You ready?

Yeah.
All right.

Fuck you, motherfucker

Eat shit and die, motherfucker!

You see any of that shit?

- No.
- So you're not going to fucking talk?

No.

Fuckin' cater waiter.

Jesus Christ! Just get in
the fucking car! Jesus.

Claudette, that's your daddy.

There he is, that's your daddy.

Eat led, cocksucker!

Sorry, that movie was completely
inappropriate for children.

- I just... I just wanted to see him.
- It's fine.

It was fun. It was good.

Can we still see movies
with Eden at the new house?

Yeah, of course you can, Tommy.

You guys found a house?

Yeah. I mean, it just happened
this morning.

Our offer was accepted,
so it's happening real fast.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

So, which 'burb
have you dorks selected?

You didn't tell her?

No, I didn't tell her.
I've just...

Been busy. Like, I mean,
all the work it takes

to find a new house
and the right 'burb.

You got this vision
of your dream home.

But then it literally
turned to shit.

And then there's the amount
of people that you have

to make appointments
with to even see a house.

You're bringing the kids
to all these houses,

and oof,
then there's a gut check.

Does it even feel like a home?

And after all that, oh my God, don't
even get me started on the paperwork.

It's insane the amount of paperwork
you have to try and buy a house.

So, you want to know what 'burb?

This is it.

You can't say that
if it's not true.

Look, I know that
I cannot live with you.

But I also know that
we have to be close by,

Because I want our kids
to grow up together.

Like how we did.

Is three blocks okay?

I mean, does that work for you?

I think I can make it work.

I love you.
I love you too.

So I'm going to be over there.

And when I need something,
I barely have to call.

I'm just popping by.

You should let me know before you come so
we can make sure Marty's wearing pants.

When I need something lifted.

I'm texting Marty,
I can go, I can skip you.

I might see you
on a Monday afternoon.

I might see you late Monday
night, that same Monday.

And I would love that.

So I guess it's just, uhm,
a casual see you later?

Yeah.

That's it.
That's it.

- You love me.
- I love you, and I'm... I'm gonna see you later.