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You can always count on
"The Onion" to get the story.
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00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,041
It's America's Finest
News Source.
3
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:48,782
And now, "The Onion News:
America's Finest News Source,"
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00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,951
featuring Dana Dobbs,
5
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,587
Senior Correspondent,
Kip Kendall,
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00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:55,823
and award-winning anchor,
Norm Archer.
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00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,793
We begin today
with news from Detroit.
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00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:03,264
Where auto making giant, American
Automotive announced a safety recall
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00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:07,067
of all 2,004 cars
containing neck belts.
10
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,203
The neck belts
introduced last month
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00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,205
in an attempt to reduce
head injuries,
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00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,441
have been found to cause
crushed tracheas,
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00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,377
severe spinal damage,
and violent decapitation.
14
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:21,048
Daddy, come!
Hi, dad!
15
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:29,823
Today, the U.S. military announced an
innovative new plan to draw new recruits.
16
00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,393
You sign up, right now.
17
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,263
You get one pair
of Ozzfest tickets
18
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:38,098
and a set of mud flaps
for your truck.
19
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,501
Then, after six months
of active duty,
20
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:45,173
you are eligible to receive
an ounce of weed.
21
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:47,508
Sweet!
22
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:51,812
And in six more months,
a bunch more weed.
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00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:54,582
You're fucking lying,
I get some more...
24
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,818
And if you serve a tour duty
during a foreign conflict,
25
00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:01,922
you will receive
upon your discharge this:
26
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,624
a hot bitch poster.
27
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,959
Sign me up!
28
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,599
The internet went down
for three hours this morning,
29
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,935
plunging the nation
into productivity.
30
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:19,340
The outage which caused major work
startages from New York to California,
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00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:23,877
prevented an estimated
120 million American employees
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00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:27,381
from messing around
on the Web at work.
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00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:29,817
More "Onion" news after this.
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00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:33,887
In a world without justice,
35
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:36,524
where the strong prey
on the weak,
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00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,469
one man must face
the ultimate challenge.
37
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,138
Master, how did they defeat me?
38
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,377
They used an ancient technique that strikes
at the very core of a warriors' strength.
39
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,316
This attack,
there is no defense.
40
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,485
Master, will you teach me?
41
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,321
You are not yet ready, my son.
42
00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:11,359
I'm ready, Master.
43
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,527
No, you are not.
You have much to learn.
44
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:21,535
You, my young pupil,
shall become a cockpuncher.
45
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,371
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
46
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:27,107
Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".
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No!
48
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,556
"Cockpuncher."
49
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,124
I don't think
you have the balls.
50
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:47,928
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
51
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:50,063
That looks awesome!
52
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,799
Sure it does, kids.
53
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,967
A real whack in the nutsack.
54
00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,135
Honey?
55
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:56,528
Have you seen
my good, black socks?
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00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,073
Mommy, look!
57
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,376
Honey?
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00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,144
If you've seen news happening,
59
00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:06,947
call "The Onion News" Hotline.
60
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,148
Honey?
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00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:12,986
I cannot find
my good, black socks!
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00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,155
Hello?
"Onion News?"
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00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,975
We are here live,
with a breaking news story.
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00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:39,146
Apparently, a local area man
has misplaced his black socks.
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00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,850
Mr. McCormick, will you please tell us
exactly what happened this morning?
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00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:46,920
Sure, um, I got up
this normal morning.
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00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,356
Kids are downstairs.
68
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,592
And uh,
my wife's cooking breakfast.
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00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:56,797
And all of sudden, you know, I notice
that my good, black socks are missing.
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00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,667
Here's your boy, ma'am.
Safe and sound.
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00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,102
Oh, thanks, thanks.
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00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,972
Sweetie, look!
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00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,273
"The Onion" news van!
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00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,306
Yeah...
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00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,012
In other news,
a local eight-year-old
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00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:15,683
accidentally exercised his second
amendment rights yesterday,
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00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:19,720
when he blew off his head with his
father's semi-automatic rifle.
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00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:23,156
The fatal incident is being
hailed by gun rights activists
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00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:26,994
as a victory for America
and the Constitution.
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00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,165
Nobody move!
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00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,802
Unless you want
your head blown off.
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You!
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00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,171
Please, please don't shoot me.
84
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,516
I'll give you
however much you want.
85
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:42,376
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think I want money?
86
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,878
You think that's what
this is about?
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00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,848
A big gang black man comes
walking in, waving a gun,
88
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,083
and you assume
he's robbing the place?
89
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,985
I ain't looking
for no goddamned handout.
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00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,221
I'm looking for
a motherfucking job, bitch.
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00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:55,088
Excuse me?
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You heard me.
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00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,225
A mothafucking job!
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00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,893
Don't you see?
95
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,838
You give me money, that'll just
help me in the short-term.
96
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,597
But a job!
97
00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:07,501
That'll help me develop valuable
job skills and experience.
98
00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:09,537
It's like teaching a man
how to fish.
99
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:12,673
So quick stalling,
get your bitch ass back there,
100
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,043
and give me
a 40 hour a week position,
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00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:20,380
with vacation pay and benefits,
you piece of shit, mothafucker,
102
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,082
and don't make me ask twice.
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00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,784
Back that ass up.
104
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,052
Lets go, lets go!
105
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,763
Can I help the next
mothafucking person in line?
106
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,522
You in that apricot ah,
sweater suit.
107
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,591
Get your bitch ass
on over here, now!
108
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,259
How can I help you today?
109
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:35,863
Um, I'd like to deposit this check,
please, into my savings account
110
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,641
and then I need to withdraw...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
111
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:40,868
Just-just-just shut the fuck up
for a minute.
112
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,570
The fuck you doing, Liz Anne?
113
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,471
You calling the cops?
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00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,104
No.
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00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,973
That's a goddamned cop?
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00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,917
No, I swear. I was just on
with an account holder,
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00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,076
I was advising him about...
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00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:50,377
I'm gonna kill you, bitch.
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00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,781
Who the fuck is this, you a cop?
120
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,583
Mmm-hmm.
121
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,761
Yeah, what I would recommend is that you
keep at least 500 in your checking,
122
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,419
just to avoid
a minimum balance fee,
123
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,888
and put the rest
in a money market,
124
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,766
which will earn you an additional
ah, two percent interest.
125
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,992
Three percent, if you keep
your account open for 3,000.
126
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,159
Right.
127
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,227
You have a nice day, sir.
128
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,328
My pleasure.
129
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,573
And feel free
to call us back anytime,
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00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:13,667
if you have ah,
any other questions.
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00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,105
Uh.
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00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,239
Liz Anne, uh.
133
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,474
Sorry.
134
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:22,342
My-my bad.
135
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:23,010
That's okay.
136
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,945
A honest mistake.
137
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,515
Armed Gunman.
138
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:32,252
I've been watching you
and I-I must say, I'm impressed.
139
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:35,022
How'd you like to be our new
Customer Services Supervisor?
140
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,990
Mr. P.!
141
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,759
It'd be my mothafucking honor.
142
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,376
Happy birthday!
143
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:59,112
It's your special day!
144
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,232
Okay, we're gonna get you an
annuity for 12 years on that one.
145
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,134
I'll get you, I'll get you
eight percent on that one.
146
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,826
Everybody down now!
147
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,394
Get the fuck down!
Everybody!
148
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:15,328
Give me all your money.
149
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:17,497
Hurry up!
Hurry the fuck up!
150
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:18,971
What'd you doing?
Playing back there?
151
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,701
Hurry up!
152
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,169
Hurry the fuck up!
153
00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:23,704
Hurry up, bitch.
154
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,873
Put the money in the bag.
All of it!
155
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:28,809
Load up the bag up with money
and nobody else fucking moves.
156
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:29,743
You hurry up!
157
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,211
Hurry the fuck up!
158
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,213
Load the bag up.
Load the bag...
159
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,886
You sicken me.
160
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,254
Asking for a handout.
161
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:45,926
Instead of raising yourself up out
of your situation through hard work.
162
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,095
Why don't you get a job,
like the rest of us?
163
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:57,337
According to statistics,
87% of U.S. citizens are obese.
164
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:01,341
And the Surgeon General is taking
steps to address the problem.
165
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,044
As a result of the rampant
spread of obesity in the U.S.,
166
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:06,046
the government
has been forced to raise
167
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:11,118
the definition of obesity
from 55% body fat to 90%.
168
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:16,223
The move, which reduces the number of obese
Americans from 200 million to 185 million
169
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:19,392
was widely applauded
from coast to coast.
170
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,261
It's high time
the government stepped in
171
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,363
and did something
about this problem.
172
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,898
I don't wanna be obese.
173
00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:27,200
Man, this shit is all fucked up.
174
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,703
In other news, Georgia
officials announced plans
175
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:32,139
to add a swastika
and middle finger
176
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,707
to the Georgia state flag.
177
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:41,882
In technology news, television watching
has become even more convenient
178
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:46,586
with Sony's introduction of a new
remote control, remote control.
179
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:49,489
Damn! I'm gonna get me one
of them, mothafuckers.
180
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:52,159
In what is being called
the end of an era,
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00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:55,929
the nation's last English
restaurant closed today.
182
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:59,933
Joe's Dinner,
an unusual Atlantic-area eatery
183
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:04,905
was not based around any sports,
music, or movie-based theme...
184
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,574
Have you spoken to Norm about the changes?
- Not yet.
185
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,077
He's not gonna be happy.
186
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,345
I know but he's got no choice.
187
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:21,121
Whatever the new parent
company says, goes.
188
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,990
Hey.
189
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:26,626
Melissa Cherry is America's
biggest pop sensation.
190
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:30,964
Selling millions of records
to her legions of teenage fans.
191
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:34,702
But is this young singer
sending the wrong message?
192
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,536
Kip Kendall reports.
193
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:39,006
Her new album, "Come with Me",
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00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:43,376
has gone quadruple platinum
and made her a household name.
195
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:48,281
* Baby, when we kiss
my heart just skips a beat *
196
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:52,786
* And when you hold my hand
oh, I can hardly speak *
197
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:55,188
* Oh, yeah,
I'm down on my knees...
198
00:10:55,222 --> 00:11:01,028
But some concerned parents think Melissa
Cherry's image in music are too sexy,
199
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:04,031
setting an inappropriate example
for their children.
200
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:07,968
So, what do you say to all
the concerned parents out there?
201
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,336
Well, Kip.
202
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:12,405
I honestly don't understand
what all the fuss is about.
203
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,708
My music isn't about sex.
204
00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:16,810
It's about being a girl.
205
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,645
And having fun.
206
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:23,316
But clearly the song "Down on My Knees",
Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it?
207
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,484
Ew!
208
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:25,919
It's about how like,
209
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:28,555
when you have
a big crush on a boy,
210
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:32,425
sometimes you get down on your knees
and like, beg for their love.
211
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:39,232
* Don't tell much stuff
I need to show...
212
00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:42,702
What about your first big hit?
"Take Me from Behind"?
213
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:46,606
"Take Me from Behind"
isn't sexual at all.
214
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:50,577
It's about love's sneaking
up on you, you know?
215
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,679
Like from the behind?
216
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,348
You know, it could be a boyfriend's
love sneaking up on you?
217
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,117
Or a friend's?
218
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,052
Or even Jesus Christ's.
219
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,723
* Take me from behind
220
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,692
* Oh, yeah
221
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,594
* Oh, yeah
222
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:12,399
* Mmm, oh, oh, oh
223
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,301
* Oh, when you love me
224
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,970
* You know that I don't mind
* You know
225
00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:18,872
* What I really want
is for you *
226
00:12:18,906 --> 00:12:22,910
* to take me from behind, Yeah..
227
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:27,214
Let's talk about the song,
"Lollipop Love".
228
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:34,121
"Lollipop Love" is a kind of
love that is just really sweet
229
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:37,257
and you just kind wanna like,
lick it, you know?
230
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:38,391
And suck it.
231
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,294
* Lollipop
232
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:42,729
* Hey, yeah
233
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,564
* Lollipop
234
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:48,735
* Love lolli-la!
235
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:52,739
* Love lolli-la!
Hey, baby *
236
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:56,910
* Lolli-lolli-lolli-lolli
pop, pop, oh *
237
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:59,479
* Lollipop Love
238
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:03,416
Like a lollipop!
239
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:07,420
What about the song
"Shoot Your Love All Over Me?"
240
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:11,791
That's about, how like,
when you're in love,
241
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:13,660
you just want to be
covered in it.
242
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:21,835
* Oh, drown me in a milky sea
243
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:25,338
* Love all over me
244
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:27,707
Clearly, the video seems to
be tell a different story.
245
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:30,010
What kind is that?
246
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:32,712
The kind with ah, cum shot.
247
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:33,947
I'm a virgin!
248
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,683
How would I know
what a facial is?
249
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,186
Sometimes, I like dressing
up sexy in my videos
250
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:42,355
but that's just my way
of celebrating being a woman.
251
00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:44,400
You know, people are always
gonna try to tear you down,
252
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:47,060
but that's their problem,
not mine.
253
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:51,664
Because I know
who Melissa Cherry is.
254
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:55,635
She's just a good, old-fashioned
country girl from Monroe, Tennessee.
255
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:02,876
The Pope condemned
three more glands today,
256
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:08,548
bringing the total number of sinful hormones
secretion ducts on the human body to 11.
257
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,751
In international news,
258
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:17,390
relations between Sloravia and
Azmenistan continued to deteriorate
259
00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:21,828
when Asmenistany rebels seized...
260
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:35,008
Hey, Norm.
261
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:41,881
Hey, Norm!
Okay.
262
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:43,250
Oh, there goes Norm again.
263
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,385
Probably pissed.
264
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,438
Oh, hey, Norm.
What's up?
265
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,640
Hey, Norman.
266
00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:11,911
What the hell was that?
267
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:15,082
We'd ah, been meaning to talk
to you about that, um.
268
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,916
It's Globby.
269
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,786
It's the Global Tetrahedron
penguin.
270
00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:23,556
The folks at Global Tetrahedron thought
he'd be, you know, fun, unobtrusive way
271
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,925
to plug the company
during the news.
272
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:28,996
Plus you gotta admit,
he's pretty fucking cute.
273
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:30,463
Hi, Norm!
274
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,665
Who's the best anchorman
in the whole world?
275
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,134
You are.
276
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,169
Come on, Norman.
277
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:38,571
You gotta get with the times,
mate.
278
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,274
This kind of tie-ins
are commonplace this days.
279
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:44,777
It's called synergy, Norm.
280
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:50,850
We cannot have a shameless ad for our
parent company running during the newscast.
281
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:52,285
It's a blatant compromise
282
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:58,191
of our journalistic ethics
and integrity.
283
00:15:58,225 --> 00:16:01,528
Sorry, it's just that, um.
284
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,096
You know,
what-what you're saying...
285
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:06,966
It's just a steaming pot
of shit, mate.
286
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,835
Norm, listen.
287
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:12,672
What he's trying to say
is it's ah, uh...
288
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:13,640
It's...
289
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:14,374
hilarious!
290
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,043
It's off-the-wall!
291
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:19,112
It's rude, crude and uncensored.
292
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:22,982
It's the very best of "Bud
Schwartz's Celebrity Roast."
293
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:26,286
Rawley Ingersoll
should get cancer and die!
294
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,157
All the top names
in the business
295
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,359
turn out to give each other
the business.
296
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:34,827
Jack Morton,
you're a fucking asshole.
297
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,397
You'll get all the zingers.
298
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,999
Fuck you!
299
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,901
All the comebacks.
300
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:45,238
Suck my dick!
301
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:52,079
For just $99.99,
you'll get the full length video
302
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:55,248
of the best of "Bud Schwartz Celebrity
Roast" delivered straight to your door.
303
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:56,516
But wait!
304
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,918
If you order by credit card
in the next 15 minutes,
305
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:04,057
we'll thrown in a second video where the
stars turn the tables and roast Bud himself.
306
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,825
You know what I think you are?
307
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,560
A fucking piece of shit!
308
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,006
New tapes will arrive
every other month.
309
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,532
Keep only those you like
310
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,767
and return the rest
for a full refund!
311
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,603
Order today!
312
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:20,673
I fucked his wife!
313
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:21,707
In the ass!
314
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,245
Oh!
315
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,616
More "Onion News" after this.
316
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,256
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
317
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:39,226
Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".
318
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:41,493
Awesome!
319
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,435
Decadent, immoral, Western film!
320
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:53,139
Oh!
321
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:57,076
Awesome!
322
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:09,489
Decadent, immoral, Western film!
323
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:12,892
"Cockpuncher."
324
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,169
Welcome to
the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team,
325
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,504
this training video
will teach you:
326
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,506
what angry slogans to scream,
327
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,478
how to blend-in
to a typical American city,
328
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,813
Yeah.
329
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:36,015
And so much more.
330
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,485
Here are Ahmed and Ahman.
331
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:41,120
They may be brothers, but they
couldn't be more different.
332
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,590
Ahmed knows punctuality
is important.
333
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:46,626
He made sure to leave plenty of
time to get to his bombing site.
334
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:53,300
Ahman leaves everything
to the last minute.
335
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,333
Oh, shit!
336
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,171
Ahmed double-checks
the address of the bombing site,
337
00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,972
so they are no mistakes.
338
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:03,476
Ahman doesn't.
339
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,510
Oh, shit!
340
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,880
Ahmed dresses properly for work,
341
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:11,484
wearing clothing that is loose
enough to hide his explosives.
342
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:15,555
Ahman dresses inappropriately.
343
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:16,889
Oh!
344
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,125
And don't forget, as a martyr,
345
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:24,364
you'll receive the eternal life in paradise
for you and 100 of your relatives.
346
00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:27,634
You'll be blessed with
unlimited sex from 72 virgins.
347
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,068
Awesome!
348
00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:32,572
$35 U.S. dollars
and a bunch more weed.
349
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,073
Awesome!
350
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,243
So welcome to
the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team.
351
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:39,145
Where work is truly a blast.
352
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:47,920
Oh, shit.
353
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:56,263
Oh, shit!
354
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,030
You gonna call Sarah?
- Yeah.
355
00:19:58,064 --> 00:19:59,399
Hey, you guys!
356
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,199
Hey.
- How's it going?
357
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:01,234
What took you so long?
358
00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:02,669
I was playing "Suicide Bomber".
359
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,112
Have you heard from Tim tonight?
- No. - Mm-hmm.
360
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,006
Nah?
That's weird.
361
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:07,574
He's gonna call Sarah.
362
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:08,941
Oh!
363
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:11,578
Yeah, yeah!
364
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:14,747
What's up players?
365
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,916
Lakeshore blood represent!
366
00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,084
Yeah!
367
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:22,522
Show some love, fool.
368
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,223
Hey, Timmy.
369
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:26,058
Damn!
370
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,260
Little J?
371
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:34,200
You are looking mad fly, boo.
372
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,702
You feel me?
373
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,137
Sure, Tim.
374
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:42,442
I just bounced from this
mad, crazy, ill party, dude.
375
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:46,313
I was hanging out with this niggas
over at Pleasant Oaks and shit.
376
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:50,317
You were hanging out
with the real black people?
377
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:54,454
No, but there was blasting
some crazy, fat beats, son.
378
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:57,424
There was pouring out
some Cristal,
379
00:20:57,457 --> 00:21:01,160
breaking off some indo smoke.
380
00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:01,994
You know what I'm saying?
381
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:03,830
Just wilding out.
382
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,835
Yeah.
383
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:11,904
Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag
of Doritos, you all straight?
384
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,673
Yeah?
All right.
385
00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:16,976
Code two, code two,
intersection of 12th and Grand.
386
00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:18,811
We have visual confirmation
on the suspect.
387
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:22,114
Uh, this is unit one.
388
00:21:22,148 --> 00:21:23,850
Hit it.
389
00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:25,685
All possible units,
please respond.
390
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:27,987
Uh, you know, one William Fort
professing a, ah...
391
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:31,442
And this booty that was like,
this is for that...
392
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:37,296
Dude, what the fuck is this?
393
00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:40,967
What's going on, officers?
394
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,835
The arm store down the road
was just held up
395
00:21:42,869 --> 00:21:46,038
by a young, black male fitting
your friend's description.
396
00:21:46,072 --> 00:21:48,608
What the...?
397
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:49,852
What are you,
what are you talking about?
398
00:21:49,876 --> 00:21:51,277
It-it wasn't me.
399
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:53,312
No? Not you? - No.
400
00:21:53,346 --> 00:21:57,016
Hey Frank, you see any other young,
black males here in Lakeshore Bluff?
401
00:21:57,049 --> 00:21:58,651
Don't see any.
402
00:21:58,685 --> 00:21:59,652
What?
403
00:21:59,686 --> 00:22:01,721
In the car, darkie.
404
00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:03,189
But I'm-I'm not black.
405
00:22:03,222 --> 00:22:04,491
I'm white.
406
00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:05,725
My whole family's white.
407
00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:08,661
My dad's Irish
and my mom's Norwegian.
408
00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:10,563
We go to the Fourth Avenue
Lutheran Church.
409
00:22:10,597 --> 00:22:12,899
Where I-I-I help with the
bake sale every Sunday.
410
00:22:12,932 --> 00:22:14,501
Settle down back there,
chocolate.
411
00:22:17,103 --> 00:22:19,205
Stand right over here.
412
00:22:19,238 --> 00:22:20,248
Don't worry about anything.
413
00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:22,475
Nobody can see you.
414
00:22:22,509 --> 00:22:27,514
Now, I just want you to point
to the perpetuator for me.
415
00:22:27,547 --> 00:22:29,882
Him.
416
00:22:29,916 --> 00:22:35,722
Okay, now for legal purposes, just tell
me exactly who you're pointing to.
417
00:22:35,755 --> 00:22:37,424
That...
418
00:22:37,457 --> 00:22:39,992
Negro.
419
00:22:40,026 --> 00:22:41,394
Okay, thanks.
You can go.
420
00:22:49,068 --> 00:22:50,713
This is Dana Dobbs here
at Lakeshore Bluff,
421
00:22:50,737 --> 00:22:51,938
where any second now,
422
00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:57,410
we'll hear the verdict
in the Timothy Shanaham case.
423
00:22:57,444 --> 00:23:01,180
Will the defendant please rise?
424
00:23:02,815 --> 00:23:06,052
Ladies and gentlemen,
have you reached the verdict?
425
00:23:06,085 --> 00:23:07,554
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
426
00:23:07,587 --> 00:23:10,289
We, the jury, find the Negro...
427
00:23:10,322 --> 00:23:12,425
Guilty.
428
00:23:12,459 --> 00:23:13,426
There you have it.
429
00:23:13,460 --> 00:23:15,361
The Negro is guilty.
430
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,863
It's not right.
431
00:23:20,833 --> 00:23:25,137
Welcome to "Focus on Film"
with Kenneth Garber.
432
00:23:25,171 --> 00:23:26,138
Hello.
433
00:23:26,172 --> 00:23:27,940
We are now a good way
through the film.
434
00:23:27,974 --> 00:23:31,611
So, we thought it would be a good
time to get some perspective on it
435
00:23:31,644 --> 00:23:34,481
and joining us
to provide just that
436
00:23:34,514 --> 00:23:37,484
are Nicholas Van Essen
and Raymond Marcus.
437
00:23:37,517 --> 00:23:42,321
Offer us, if you will, your take
on how the film is doing thus far.
438
00:23:42,354 --> 00:23:46,926
Well, I'll have to say Kenneth,
that I am very impressed.
439
00:23:46,959 --> 00:23:50,429
Sketch after sketch,
we're being treated to a...
440
00:23:50,463 --> 00:23:54,934
brilliantly biting skewering
of contemporary social lores.
441
00:23:54,967 --> 00:23:57,169
I mean,
this is poignant social satire
442
00:23:57,203 --> 00:24:01,440
in the grand tradition of-of
Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain.
443
00:24:01,474 --> 00:24:02,308
Humph.
444
00:24:02,341 --> 00:24:04,410
Well, Raymond what do you think?
445
00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:05,512
I'm sorry.
446
00:24:05,545 --> 00:24:08,014
I must strenuously disagree.
- Ah.
447
00:24:08,047 --> 00:24:13,285
This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow,
potty humor thinly disguised as satire.
448
00:24:13,319 --> 00:24:15,121
It saddens me that "The Onion"
449
00:24:15,154 --> 00:24:17,323
has stooped to this lowest,
common denominator,
450
00:24:17,356 --> 00:24:20,359
pandering to the masses.
- Humph.
451
00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:24,997
Well, now for a third opinion,
lets go straight to the source.
452
00:24:25,031 --> 00:24:30,136
We have with us here in the
studio, a very special guest.
453
00:24:30,169 --> 00:24:34,507
Welcome, The Masses.
454
00:24:34,541 --> 00:24:36,776
So, what do you think
of the film?
455
00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:39,779
It's pretty cool so far,
I guess.
456
00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:41,848
That "Cockpuncher" dude
is awesome.
457
00:24:41,881 --> 00:24:44,684
Bam!
Right in the balls.
458
00:24:44,717 --> 00:24:47,353
Oh, and Melissa Cherry.
459
00:24:47,386 --> 00:24:50,857
She's fucking hot, right?
460
00:24:50,890 --> 00:24:54,060
They need to do
more cool shit like that.
461
00:24:54,093 --> 00:25:00,132
But this part, with this film
expert assholes, boring!
462
00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:03,870
I mean, why do you even have this two
gaywads in the movie for, anyways?
463
00:25:03,903 --> 00:25:05,905
Fags!
464
00:25:05,938 --> 00:25:07,039
Loser 'em.
465
00:25:07,073 --> 00:25:09,809
Let's get on with the movie,
dude.
466
00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:12,912
Party!
467
00:25:12,945 --> 00:25:13,846
Woo!
468
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,514
Yeah!
469
00:25:15,548 --> 00:25:19,852
Fuck yeah, you fucking faggots!
470
00:25:19,886 --> 00:25:21,187
Yeah.
471
00:25:21,220 --> 00:25:22,655
Food for thought.
472
00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:24,223
Well.
473
00:25:24,256 --> 00:25:25,592
Back to the film.
474
00:25:25,625 --> 00:25:27,493
Gentlemen,
475
00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:32,899
experience the majestic splendor of a cruise
aboard the luxurious Queen Nathan II.
476
00:25:32,932 --> 00:25:34,834
On the Queen Nathan,
there's so much
477
00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:37,236
for today's gay men to enjoy.
478
00:25:37,269 --> 00:25:39,238
Shuffleboard.
479
00:25:39,271 --> 00:25:41,107
Exquisite cuisine.
480
00:25:41,140 --> 00:25:42,942
Monster cocks.
481
00:25:42,975 --> 00:25:45,745
Grab a pole
and go deep sea fishing.
482
00:25:45,778 --> 00:25:48,781
Work those muscles
in our shipboard gym.
483
00:25:48,815 --> 00:25:51,217
Enjoy our world class spa,
484
00:25:51,250 --> 00:25:54,520
or take a thrilling
Las Vegas-style review.
485
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:57,556
Yes, whether you want
to scuba dive, get blown,
486
00:25:57,590 --> 00:25:59,959
or play blackjack
in our glamorous casino,
487
00:25:59,992 --> 00:26:02,729
the Queen Nathan II
is what you're looking for.
488
00:26:02,762 --> 00:26:06,298
So climb aboard
the Queen Nathan II.
489
00:26:06,332 --> 00:26:09,101
That-that-that is not right.
That's not right.
490
00:26:09,135 --> 00:26:10,970
And now is time for
491
00:26:11,003 --> 00:26:13,439
"Little Known
Racial Stereotypes."
492
00:26:13,472 --> 00:26:16,809
Yes, everyone knows that
Italians are all monsters.
493
00:26:16,843 --> 00:26:19,145
And Native Americans
are all drunks.
494
00:26:19,178 --> 00:26:23,215
But did you know
that blacks love taffy?
495
00:26:23,249 --> 00:26:27,553
It's also true that Eskimos
run all the locksmith shops.
496
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:30,657
The Irish have enormous nipples,
497
00:26:30,690 --> 00:26:34,961
and Puerto Ricans can dangle from
steel beams for hours at a time.
498
00:26:34,994 --> 00:26:36,929
Damn, that's unbelievable.
499
00:26:36,963 --> 00:26:38,264
How does he doe that?
500
00:26:38,297 --> 00:26:39,899
Uh, he's a Puerto Rican.
501
00:26:39,932 --> 00:26:46,005
Also, did you know that the Dutch
enjoy speaking with telemarketers?
502
00:26:46,038 --> 00:26:48,808
It's a special
credit card offer?
503
00:26:48,841 --> 00:26:52,979
Peruvians love to swoop in and
save the day at the last minute.
504
00:26:53,012 --> 00:26:56,082
And they can shoot laser beams
out of their eyes.
505
00:26:56,115 --> 00:27:00,319
And of course,
all Arabs are terrorists.
506
00:27:00,352 --> 00:27:02,288
Ah, stereotypes.
507
00:27:02,321 --> 00:27:04,323
Can you imagine
a world without them?
508
00:27:04,356 --> 00:27:07,794
According to a new U.N.
factoid finding mission,
509
00:27:07,827 --> 00:27:12,364
the African mission of Liberia,
is about the size of Tennessee.
510
00:27:12,398 --> 00:27:16,535
The mission also found that Liberia
is home to 200 species of birds,
511
00:27:16,568 --> 00:27:18,771
including the bee warbler.
512
00:27:18,805 --> 00:27:22,474
A bird only slightly larger
than a bee.
513
00:27:30,416 --> 00:27:31,317
Okay!
514
00:27:31,350 --> 00:27:39,025
That must be our final player.
515
00:27:39,058 --> 00:27:40,126
Hi, Julie!
516
00:27:40,159 --> 00:27:40,827
Hi.
517
00:27:40,860 --> 00:27:41,994
Welcome!
518
00:27:42,028 --> 00:27:43,696
You house is so lovely.
519
00:27:43,730 --> 00:27:45,832
Oh, thank you!
Come on in.
520
00:27:45,865 --> 00:27:51,070
Everybody, this is Julie.
Pretty cute, huh?
521
00:27:51,103 --> 00:27:52,404
Have a seat.
522
00:27:52,438 --> 00:27:54,316
So I understand this is your
first who-done-it party?
523
00:27:54,340 --> 00:27:55,818
Ah! You are going to
have so much fun!
524
00:27:55,842 --> 00:27:56,743
Okay.
525
00:27:56,776 --> 00:27:58,745
With any luck,
by the end of the night,
526
00:27:58,778 --> 00:28:00,980
we'll figure out which one
of us did the dirty deed.
527
00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:05,017
Anyone of us
could be the rapist!
528
00:28:05,051 --> 00:28:08,320
I'm sorry, did you say "rapist?"
529
00:28:08,354 --> 00:28:10,389
Yeah, yeah I did.
530
00:28:10,422 --> 00:28:14,160
Don't this things usually
revolve around um, um, murder?
531
00:28:14,193 --> 00:28:17,029
Yeah, Julie, see,
we do this every few months
532
00:28:17,063 --> 00:28:21,067
and frankly we were getting...
a little bored with murder
533
00:28:21,100 --> 00:28:22,568
so I was like "I don't know,
534
00:28:22,601 --> 00:28:25,271
isn't there some other violent
crime we can re-enact?"
535
00:28:25,304 --> 00:28:29,742
And I'm in the store the
other day, and I find this.
536
00:28:29,776 --> 00:28:33,112
How fantastic is that?
537
00:28:33,145 --> 00:28:37,716
So anyway Julie, since
you are new, lucky Julie,
538
00:28:37,750 --> 00:28:42,121
you get to be the victim.
539
00:28:42,154 --> 00:28:43,689
Okay?
540
00:28:46,158 --> 00:28:47,093
So once you put this on.
541
00:28:47,126 --> 00:28:48,194
Hop up.
542
00:28:48,227 --> 00:28:50,296
Okay,
so here's what's gonna happen.
543
00:28:50,329 --> 00:28:54,633
The lights are gonna go out,
so you lie down on the floor
544
00:28:54,666 --> 00:28:57,403
we're all gonna come running in
but you're gonna be unconscious.
545
00:28:57,436 --> 00:28:59,371
So you stay down there.
546
00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:02,574
Don't you think
this is a little... sick?
547
00:29:02,608 --> 00:29:03,742
Oh, sweetie!
It's all in fun.
548
00:29:03,776 --> 00:29:06,278
No one's actually
raping you one.
549
00:29:07,513 --> 00:29:09,081
I mean,
550
00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:10,993
You wouldn't have a problem with a
murderistic game, now would ya?
551
00:29:11,017 --> 00:29:12,718
No, I guess not.
552
00:29:12,751 --> 00:29:16,823
Yeah, so why would you object to a
game revolving around a lesser crime
553
00:29:16,856 --> 00:29:18,757
where no one even loses
their life?
554
00:29:18,791 --> 00:29:19,625
Wait, it's just a...
555
00:29:19,658 --> 00:29:20,592
Oh, it's just a jest!
556
00:29:20,626 --> 00:29:22,061
Come on, guys.
557
00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:24,130
Let's play the game.
558
00:29:24,163 --> 00:29:28,400
Get your cards, okay.
559
00:29:29,168 --> 00:29:30,569
Is it in?
560
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:31,904
You got that on, sweetie?
561
00:29:31,938 --> 00:29:34,106
Okay, get down the floor,
get down the floor.
562
00:29:34,140 --> 00:29:35,140
Ready for a raping?
563
00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:46,018
Oh, no!
564
00:29:46,052 --> 00:29:48,287
Please don't rape me!
565
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:49,355
Come on, you bitch!
566
00:29:49,388 --> 00:29:52,024
No, no, please, Mr. Raperman.
567
00:29:52,058 --> 00:29:53,058
Oh, fuck off!
568
00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:59,198
No, no!
Oh, no, what are you doing?
569
00:29:59,231 --> 00:30:00,699
Shut up!
570
00:30:00,732 --> 00:30:02,268
No!
No!
571
00:30:02,301 --> 00:30:03,369
Do not...
572
00:30:04,736 --> 00:30:05,838
Shut up!
573
00:30:13,512 --> 00:30:15,614
What?
- Wow.
574
00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:16,448
Oh, oh.
575
00:30:16,482 --> 00:30:18,817
What happened here?
576
00:30:18,851 --> 00:30:20,652
Um, oh, no.
Um, hang on.
577
00:30:20,686 --> 00:30:22,521
Uh, oh, no!
578
00:30:22,554 --> 00:30:25,491
The sweet, innocent, young daughter
of mayor Louis has been raped.
579
00:30:25,524 --> 00:30:26,658
Lock the door!
580
00:30:26,692 --> 00:30:29,361
No one is leaving
until we figure out who did it.
581
00:30:29,395 --> 00:30:30,963
That's excellent.
- Thanks, man.
582
00:30:32,531 --> 00:30:37,136
Uh, do not forget that you are a
suspect, too, Officer Wilson.
583
00:30:37,169 --> 00:30:39,238
Um.
- That's right.
584
00:30:39,271 --> 00:30:42,541
Um... who committed this rape?
585
00:30:42,574 --> 00:30:43,876
Humph?
586
00:30:43,910 --> 00:30:47,579
Was it... the creepy uncle?
587
00:30:47,613 --> 00:30:51,250
The handsome, young,
Ivy league, fraternity brother
588
00:30:51,283 --> 00:30:56,522
who's used to getting what
and who he wants?
589
00:30:56,555 --> 00:30:59,225
Um, the prisoner,
just released on parole?
590
00:30:59,258 --> 00:31:02,694
That's me. - You look nice.
- Thank you.
591
00:31:02,728 --> 00:31:05,831
Or, the vaguely
hermaphroditic night nurse
592
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:07,599
from the senior center
just down the block.
593
00:31:07,633 --> 00:31:08,567
Uh!
594
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:09,735
It's so creepy!
595
00:31:09,768 --> 00:31:11,003
Okay!
Come on.
596
00:31:11,037 --> 00:31:12,038
Let's play, let's play.
597
00:31:15,207 --> 00:31:17,343
Okay.
598
00:31:17,376 --> 00:31:18,945
Who's got an alibi card?
- Uh! - Anyone?
599
00:31:18,978 --> 00:31:19,946
I've got one.
600
00:31:19,979 --> 00:31:22,581
Oh, okay.
601
00:31:22,614 --> 00:31:24,783
I was with my wife,
602
00:31:24,816 --> 00:31:28,955
besides, that bitch has been making
up stories since she was four!
603
00:31:28,988 --> 00:31:31,357
You can't believe
anything she says!
604
00:31:31,390 --> 00:31:32,925
I don't doubt it!
605
00:31:32,959 --> 00:31:36,562
I have 22 fraternity brothers who
will vouch that I was with them.
606
00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:39,932
Oh, I bet you do!
607
00:31:39,966 --> 00:31:41,367
Okay, time to spin!
608
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:42,901
Whoa.
Julie.
609
00:31:42,935 --> 00:31:43,869
Uh?
What?
610
00:31:43,902 --> 00:31:45,804
I know this is your first time,
611
00:31:45,837 --> 00:31:47,239
but you're not acting
very raped.
612
00:31:47,273 --> 00:31:48,941
Okay.
613
00:31:48,975 --> 00:31:51,377
Oh, no, no, Julie. You can't
stand up, you just been raped!
614
00:31:51,410 --> 00:31:56,915
Uh, yeah, the rapist has shattered
your pelvis with a baseball bat.
615
00:31:56,949 --> 00:31:58,817
Um, I'm leaving.
616
00:31:58,850 --> 00:32:00,552
Wha...?
What?
617
00:32:00,586 --> 00:32:02,321
Where are you going?
618
00:32:02,354 --> 00:32:03,922
Shouldn't...
Come...
619
00:32:03,956 --> 00:32:07,093
Julie!
What?
620
00:32:07,126 --> 00:32:11,330
Now, what?
621
00:32:11,363 --> 00:32:13,899
I guess you guys
are just gonna have to rape me.
622
00:32:13,932 --> 00:32:15,734
Not me.
623
00:32:21,340 --> 00:32:23,242
Taffy.
624
00:32:23,275 --> 00:32:25,811
God-fucking blacks!
Uh!
625
00:32:29,548 --> 00:32:33,285
The nation's anti-tobacco lobby
won another victory today,
626
00:32:33,319 --> 00:32:37,689
when Congress passed legislation
restricting smoking within U.S. borders,
627
00:32:37,723 --> 00:32:40,126
to a single room in Iowa.
628
00:32:40,159 --> 00:32:42,928
Traffic was backed-up
from Nevada all the way to Iowa,
629
00:32:42,961 --> 00:32:45,264
as smokers tried
to get to the lounge.
630
00:32:45,297 --> 00:32:48,700
Move the car,
you old, fucking bitch!
631
00:32:48,734 --> 00:32:51,503
Smokers from across the country
are making the long journey
632
00:32:51,537 --> 00:32:55,441
to the ten by ten smokers'
lounge in Des Moines, Iowa.
633
00:32:55,474 --> 00:32:57,343
I drove all the way
from San Francisco
634
00:32:57,376 --> 00:33:00,112
just to sneak a smoke-in
on my lunch break.
635
00:33:00,146 --> 00:33:02,714
I'm supposed to be back at work
in ten minutes.
636
00:33:02,748 --> 00:33:04,650
It's 37 hour drive.
637
00:33:04,683 --> 00:33:06,352
It's fucking bullshit.
638
00:33:06,385 --> 00:33:08,154
In legal news,
639
00:33:08,187 --> 00:33:10,856
a judge has declared
local aerobics instructor
640
00:33:10,889 --> 00:33:13,292
and accused murderer,
Jennifer Porter,
641
00:33:13,325 --> 00:33:15,894
"too fit to stand trial."
642
00:33:15,927 --> 00:33:19,031
Judge Edwards Collin,
said that the suspect,
643
00:33:19,065 --> 00:33:22,201
with her washboard abs
and powerful leg muscles
644
00:33:22,234 --> 00:33:28,240
is of "too-sound body" to be tried
for the killing of her ex-lover.
645
00:33:28,274 --> 00:33:30,076
We're the new guys in town.
646
00:33:30,109 --> 00:33:33,379
We're Peen-out. America's
penis recovery professionals.
647
00:33:33,412 --> 00:33:35,814
Local sculptor, Thomas Miller,
648
00:33:35,847 --> 00:33:41,220
is under fire by feminist leaders
for turning women into objects.
649
00:33:41,253 --> 00:33:42,754
The sculpture,
who has been called
650
00:33:42,788 --> 00:33:47,493
a sexist, objectifying pig,
by women's rights activists,
651
00:33:47,526 --> 00:33:49,595
has reported to turn
more than 80 women
652
00:33:49,628 --> 00:33:53,832
into silent, passive,
marble sculptures.
653
00:33:55,901 --> 00:33:59,571
According to a report in this month's issue
of the Des Moines' Journal of Medicine...
654
00:34:13,452 --> 00:34:15,787
According to
a new medical study,
655
00:34:15,821 --> 00:34:18,890
depression hits losers hardest.
656
00:34:18,924 --> 00:34:22,261
The study found that extreme,
debilitating depression,
657
00:34:22,294 --> 00:34:26,031
most commonly afflicts
those who are total screw-ups.
658
00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:27,799
Who can't do anything right.
659
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:40,279
* Are you ready?
660
00:34:40,312 --> 00:34:45,117
* Baby when we kiss
My heart just skips a beat *
661
00:34:45,151 --> 00:34:49,621
* And when you hold my hand,
Oh, I can hardly speak *
662
00:34:49,655 --> 00:34:54,626
* But there's one kind of loving
that you can't do face to face *
663
00:34:54,660 --> 00:34:59,565
* Let me give you some affection
just below your waist *
664
00:34:59,598 --> 00:35:01,300
* Oh, yeah I like that.
665
00:35:01,333 --> 00:35:03,135
* I'm down by my knees for you
666
00:35:03,169 --> 00:35:07,239
* I'm begging this please,
for you *
667
00:35:07,273 --> 00:35:11,810
* Got so much love
I need to show it *
668
00:35:11,843 --> 00:35:15,747
* It's a big job,
Don't want to blow it *
669
00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:17,649
* Oh, yeah
670
00:35:17,683 --> 00:35:18,784
* Oh, yeah
671
00:35:18,817 --> 00:35:22,020
* Oh
672
00:35:22,053 --> 00:35:23,689
* Baby
673
00:35:23,722 --> 00:35:27,859
* Down on my knees,
begging please, please *
674
00:35:27,893 --> 00:35:29,761
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
675
00:35:29,795 --> 00:35:31,163
Stephen Seagal is...
676
00:35:31,197 --> 00:35:33,098
Hey!
- Welcome to Vault Village.
677
00:35:33,131 --> 00:35:34,200
My name is Derrick.
678
00:35:34,233 --> 00:35:35,377
What can I help you find today?
679
00:35:35,401 --> 00:35:36,468
Hey Derrick!
680
00:35:36,502 --> 00:35:39,171
Um, my computer
is a few years old
681
00:35:39,205 --> 00:35:42,007
and I thought
I'm ready for a new one.
682
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:44,310
I got just the thing.
683
00:35:44,343 --> 00:35:46,278
The Bates 4,000.
684
00:35:46,312 --> 00:35:48,214
Absolute cutting edge.
685
00:35:48,247 --> 00:35:49,848
This babies came in on Tuesday.
686
00:35:49,881 --> 00:35:50,982
They're packed, man.
687
00:35:51,016 --> 00:35:53,352
80 G's of RAM
688
00:35:53,385 --> 00:35:56,622
We're talking
a quad port 900 processor,
689
00:35:56,655 --> 00:36:00,992
D.B.K. compatible memory card,
dual-burning DVD drives,
690
00:36:01,026 --> 00:36:04,630
plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo drive
691
00:36:04,663 --> 00:36:07,299
with a plus four
digital upgrade card.
692
00:36:07,333 --> 00:36:11,803
This will knock
the shit out of your ass.
693
00:36:11,837 --> 00:36:16,708
Well, I'm just looking for your
basic, simple, home computer.
694
00:36:16,742 --> 00:36:20,045
I know, your wife has you by the
purse strings, but you know what?
695
00:36:20,078 --> 00:36:22,390
This is the Bates 4,000, it
doesn't get any better than this.
696
00:36:22,414 --> 00:36:23,649
It's not going anywhere.
697
00:36:23,682 --> 00:36:25,684
This is the future.
698
00:36:25,717 --> 00:36:28,086
Well, I have the Bates 1,000
and that works...
699
00:36:28,119 --> 00:36:30,356
Oh, excuse me.
You have the Bates 1,000?
700
00:36:30,389 --> 00:36:34,025
Oh, that's great!
Fuck man, wow!
701
00:36:34,059 --> 00:36:36,238
You know, maybe you should talk
to a homeless woman outside
702
00:36:36,262 --> 00:36:37,863
'cause maybe
she'll be impressed.
703
00:36:37,896 --> 00:36:39,531
Those things are barbaric.
704
00:36:39,565 --> 00:36:42,834
I mean, last time I checked, they
didn't even have a delete key on it.
705
00:36:42,868 --> 00:36:44,770
I'm-I'm joking, of course.
706
00:36:44,803 --> 00:36:47,606
But look, this the future.
You get my point?
707
00:36:47,639 --> 00:36:49,174
Yeah.
- Okay?
708
00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:51,076
Let's write you up.
709
00:36:51,109 --> 00:36:53,011
All right.
Let's do it.
710
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:54,212
All right, my friend.
711
00:36:58,917 --> 00:37:00,252
Wow, honey.
712
00:37:00,286 --> 00:37:02,721
Are you sure we need
such a fancy one?
713
00:37:02,754 --> 00:37:05,023
Yeah, this thing's
got a quad port 900 processor
714
00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:07,593
and a 16,000 C.T.D.
combo drive with a...
715
00:37:07,626 --> 00:37:11,297
Dude, you're still not using
the Bates 4,000, are you?
716
00:37:11,330 --> 00:37:14,366
That thing's ancient.
717
00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:16,568
Really?
Really.
718
00:37:16,602 --> 00:37:18,970
You gotta get you
one of these...
719
00:37:19,004 --> 00:37:22,207
the Bates 5,000.
720
00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:24,476
Absolute cutting edge.
721
00:37:24,510 --> 00:37:26,778
Wow!
That is newer.
722
00:37:26,812 --> 00:37:28,046
Thanks!
723
00:37:29,448 --> 00:37:31,082
The new Bates 5,000!
724
00:37:31,116 --> 00:37:32,984
Throw your 4,000 away.
725
00:37:33,018 --> 00:37:34,152
It's a piece of shit.
726
00:37:45,797 --> 00:37:47,299
* Hard Drive Hal
727
00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:48,776
This is Hard Drive Hal,
your computer expert.
728
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:53,004
My guest today
is Bates CEO, Gil Bates.
729
00:37:53,038 --> 00:37:56,308
Now, he's here to talk about perhaps
the most powerful machine ever built...
730
00:37:56,342 --> 00:37:58,176
The Bates 6,000.
731
00:37:58,209 --> 00:38:00,446
And it's available
in stores right now.
732
00:38:04,450 --> 00:38:05,684
Asshole!
733
00:38:12,991 --> 00:38:15,661
Hey, I just dropped off this
shipment of the Bates 7,000.
734
00:38:15,694 --> 00:38:18,430
Now, what do you want me to do
with the leftover 6,000?
735
00:38:18,464 --> 00:38:20,366
6,000s?
736
00:38:20,399 --> 00:38:22,439
Throw them in the fucking
garbage where they belong.
737
00:38:25,637 --> 00:38:26,705
That's right!
738
00:38:26,738 --> 00:38:29,140
Twice the memory capacity
of the 8,000.
739
00:38:29,174 --> 00:38:30,676
Mr. Bates, you have a visitor.
740
00:38:30,709 --> 00:38:31,610
Hang on.
741
00:38:31,643 --> 00:38:32,644
Come in.
742
00:38:32,678 --> 00:38:35,180
Hi.
743
00:38:35,213 --> 00:38:36,382
Huh!
744
00:38:53,665 --> 00:38:55,667
Na-na-na-na-nanah!
745
00:38:56,868 --> 00:39:00,506
Bates was 42.
746
00:39:00,539 --> 00:39:04,242
In other news, after a six month
stint at the Betty King clinic,
747
00:39:04,275 --> 00:39:07,345
actor Bryce Brand
finally returned home today.
748
00:39:07,379 --> 00:39:09,147
That's right Norm.
749
00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:12,484
I'm here outside superstar Bryce
Brand's Hollywood Hills mansion
750
00:39:12,518 --> 00:39:16,187
where at any moment, he's due to return
from his stay at the Betty King clinic.
751
00:39:17,122 --> 00:39:19,090
Bryce!
752
00:39:23,529 --> 00:39:25,764
Papi Baby!
753
00:39:25,797 --> 00:39:27,866
Bryce.
- Papi Baby!
754
00:39:27,899 --> 00:39:31,603
Papi Baby!
755
00:39:31,637 --> 00:39:33,238
I'm back!
756
00:39:33,271 --> 00:39:34,906
You look great.
757
00:39:34,940 --> 00:39:37,876
I cannot tell you
how good I feel now
758
00:39:37,909 --> 00:39:42,047
that I'm off the drugs
and high on life.
759
00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:44,616
Hey.
That's what they're saying.
760
00:39:44,650 --> 00:39:46,351
Oh!
761
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:47,686
Man,
762
00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:51,289
was I a mess!
763
00:39:51,322 --> 00:39:54,059
But all that's changed
now that I'm clean and sober.
764
00:39:54,092 --> 00:39:59,798
You know, I never knew how amazing
life can be without the haze of drugs.
765
00:39:59,831 --> 00:40:03,535
It's the little things like...
766
00:40:03,569 --> 00:40:05,637
smelling flowers.
767
00:40:05,671 --> 00:40:06,671
Humph.
768
00:40:09,007 --> 00:40:10,609
Or watching the sunset.
769
00:40:10,642 --> 00:40:13,278
Or just walking along the beach.
770
00:40:13,311 --> 00:40:18,784
You know, this things get me way
higher than drugs ever could.
771
00:40:18,817 --> 00:40:20,719
That's great, um, Bryce.
772
00:40:20,752 --> 00:40:24,122
So, we have got a lot of catching
up to do with your career.
773
00:40:24,155 --> 00:40:25,591
Now, I brought a script.
774
00:40:25,624 --> 00:40:26,892
It's fantastic.
775
00:40:26,925 --> 00:40:28,760
Actually, your part is comedic.
776
00:40:28,794 --> 00:40:30,829
Uh, it's sort of a Hawaii...
- This can't be real.
777
00:40:30,862 --> 00:40:34,933
It's so amazing!
It's blowing my mind, man!
778
00:40:34,966 --> 00:40:35,967
Smell this!
779
00:40:36,001 --> 00:40:37,669
No, thank you.
780
00:40:37,703 --> 00:40:40,138
Though, um,
back to the script, again,
781
00:40:40,171 --> 00:40:41,483
Papa! it took a
lot to get this...
782
00:40:41,507 --> 00:40:43,642
One thing sobriety has taught me
783
00:40:43,675 --> 00:40:45,410
is that you have to
take time out
784
00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:47,913
to enjoy
life's little pleasures.
785
00:40:48,947 --> 00:40:50,982
Can you put the tea down
for a second?
786
00:40:52,851 --> 00:40:54,152
Bryce.
787
00:40:54,185 --> 00:40:56,021
Oh, my God!
- Bryce.
788
00:40:56,054 --> 00:40:58,289
Oh, my God!
789
00:41:04,830 --> 00:41:09,835
Brandon will spent eight weeks in an intensive
re-tox program at a trendy L.A. nightclub.
790
00:41:09,868 --> 00:41:10,869
Thanks, Dana.
791
00:41:10,902 --> 00:41:11,902
Nice work.
792
00:41:12,638 --> 00:41:13,638
Really?
793
00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:16,040
Great job.
794
00:41:17,375 --> 00:41:18,476
Thank you.
795
00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:20,978
You're welcome.
796
00:41:21,547 --> 00:41:23,815
At "Onion News," I'm Dana Dobbs.
797
00:41:25,483 --> 00:41:27,986
The nation's rapidly growing
prison population,
798
00:41:28,019 --> 00:41:30,689
which recently passed
the 20 million mark,
799
00:41:30,722 --> 00:41:33,659
has created
a severe overcrowding problem.
800
00:41:33,692 --> 00:41:36,127
In an attempt to alleviate
the overcrowding,
801
00:41:36,161 --> 00:41:39,665
the government announced today, that a
random selection of U.S. households
802
00:41:39,698 --> 00:41:42,000
will be asked to take
prisoners into their homes.
803
00:41:47,072 --> 00:41:49,007
Hi.
804
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:49,875
Uh...
805
00:41:49,908 --> 00:41:52,510
I'm Dick.
806
00:41:52,544 --> 00:41:54,512
Thi-this is my wife, Sarah.
807
00:41:54,546 --> 00:41:56,682
This is our daughter Ally.
808
00:41:56,715 --> 00:42:00,185
And this is our son, Bobby,
he's ten.
809
00:42:00,218 --> 00:42:01,152
Welcome.
810
00:42:01,186 --> 00:42:03,689
To our home.
811
00:42:03,722 --> 00:42:05,390
What's up?
812
00:42:05,423 --> 00:42:07,325
Oh, come on, bitch!
813
00:42:12,130 --> 00:42:14,099
Don't drop this shit on me,
bitch.
814
00:42:19,971 --> 00:42:20,672
Lift!
815
00:42:20,706 --> 00:42:21,707
Lift!
816
00:42:21,740 --> 00:42:22,750
What the fuck are you doing?
817
00:42:22,774 --> 00:42:24,242
Don't just stand there.
818
00:42:24,275 --> 00:42:26,077
Get your man something to drink!
819
00:42:32,651 --> 00:42:35,887
Damn, it's good to see
some women.
820
00:42:35,921 --> 00:42:37,856
Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.
821
00:42:37,889 --> 00:42:41,727
Mister Prisoner,
my tattoo hurts.
822
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:43,128
Lights out, guys.
823
00:42:45,831 --> 00:42:47,766
If successful,
824
00:42:47,799 --> 00:42:53,438
another 20,000 prisoners will be moved to
suburban homes by the first of next month.
825
00:42:57,175 --> 00:43:00,111
Hello and welcome once again
to "Focus on Film."
826
00:43:00,145 --> 00:43:02,580
I'm Kenneth Garner and...
827
00:43:02,614 --> 00:43:08,253
I'm joined by Kwame Roberts, President of the
National Coalition of African Americans,
828
00:43:08,286 --> 00:43:13,124
and James Nakatami, Director of the
Asian American Alliance for Equality.
829
00:43:13,158 --> 00:43:15,961
Mr. Roberts,
let's start with you.
830
00:43:15,994 --> 00:43:20,999
Your organization is not pleased with this
film's depiction of African Americans.
831
00:43:21,032 --> 00:43:23,902
Oh, that is absolutely correct,
Kenneth.
832
00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:26,571
Uh, we are just about halfway
through the film
833
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:30,275
and we have yet to see a dignified
portrayal of a person of color.
834
00:43:30,308 --> 00:43:34,746
So far, we've only been shown as um,
vicious criminals or sex fiends.
835
00:43:34,780 --> 00:43:36,682
Just take a look
at that last sketch.
836
00:43:36,715 --> 00:43:39,150
So, what specifically
is your group demanding?
837
00:43:39,184 --> 00:43:41,486
Either the filmmakers
put a positive black role model
838
00:43:41,519 --> 00:43:43,588
on that screen
in the next ten minutes,
839
00:43:43,621 --> 00:43:48,193
or we will be organizing a nationwide
walk-out of black moviegoers.
840
00:43:48,226 --> 00:43:51,496
That means every single African
American currently watching this film,
841
00:43:51,529 --> 00:43:52,864
will exit the theater.
842
00:43:52,898 --> 00:43:55,701
Mr. Nakatami,
are you equally unhappy?
843
00:43:55,734 --> 00:43:58,369
Thus far, there are maybe one
844
00:43:58,403 --> 00:44:02,774
or at the most two,
three Asian faces in the film.
845
00:44:02,808 --> 00:44:06,311
How do you feel about
such gross under representation?
846
00:44:06,344 --> 00:44:10,548
Um, me no rikey.
847
00:44:10,581 --> 00:44:12,217
Excuse me?
848
00:44:12,250 --> 00:44:16,121
Me, no rikey.
849
00:44:16,154 --> 00:44:22,060
Aren't you the guy who played Long
Duk Dong in "Sixteen Candles?"
850
00:44:22,093 --> 00:44:25,230
Uh, me no rikey.
851
00:44:25,263 --> 00:44:27,632
And...
852
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:29,300
back to the film.
853
00:44:29,334 --> 00:44:30,335
In legal news,
854
00:44:30,368 --> 00:44:32,637
local 18-year-old,
Joey Franco,
855
00:44:32,670 --> 00:44:37,208
is suing for the right to be
sexually harassed in the workplace.
856
00:44:37,242 --> 00:44:40,846
Franco, an employee
of Carl's coffeeshop in Phoenix,
857
00:44:40,879 --> 00:44:43,481
alleged that during
his three years there,
858
00:44:43,514 --> 00:44:48,319
not a single female coworker made
inappropriate sexual advances toward him.
859
00:44:48,353 --> 00:44:50,421
Either verbal, or physical.
860
00:44:52,623 --> 00:44:56,828
In other news, health officials have
confirmed that a potentially airborne virus
861
00:44:56,862 --> 00:44:59,831
has been spreading
across eastern Canada.
862
00:44:59,865 --> 00:45:03,668
And is now moving South
towards the coast of...
863
00:45:15,413 --> 00:45:16,748
Hey Norm!
864
00:45:22,253 --> 00:45:24,122
Hey, Norm!
Okay.
865
00:45:24,155 --> 00:45:25,690
Oh, there goes Norm again.
866
00:45:25,723 --> 00:45:27,058
Probably pissed.
867
00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:46,311
All right, listen to me.
- Hi, Norm.
868
00:45:46,344 --> 00:45:51,149
Our job isn't to advertise our parent
company's movie via a goddamned penguin.
869
00:45:51,182 --> 00:45:53,751
Our job is to deliver
to the American people,
870
00:45:53,785 --> 00:45:57,555
fair, balanced,
hard-hitting news.
871
00:45:57,588 --> 00:46:03,094
In this crazy world, "The Onion" may be the
only news source that people can truly trust.
872
00:46:03,128 --> 00:46:04,429
Oh, don't be so naive, Norman.
873
00:46:04,462 --> 00:46:06,131
This is a business.
874
00:46:08,366 --> 00:46:10,101
Listen to me.
875
00:46:10,135 --> 00:46:12,070
I know you're not gonna
want to hear this,
876
00:46:12,103 --> 00:46:13,471
but the suits
of Global Tetrahedron
877
00:46:13,504 --> 00:46:14,982
want you to open up
Friday's broadcast
878
00:46:15,006 --> 00:46:16,942
with a slightly different
lead story.
879
00:46:16,975 --> 00:46:17,975
Wha...?
880
00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:24,282
But Friday is the day
Azmenistan gave Sloravia
881
00:46:24,315 --> 00:46:27,318
as a deadline for pulling out
of the Uzbagiyak region.
882
00:46:27,352 --> 00:46:30,688
That's also the day
that "Cockpuncher" opens.
883
00:46:30,721 --> 00:46:33,491
I mean, this Asmenistany
grand thing
884
00:46:33,524 --> 00:46:35,160
is all well and good, right?
885
00:46:35,193 --> 00:46:35,994
But it's million miles away.
886
00:46:36,027 --> 00:46:37,595
Nobody gives a fuck about it.
887
00:46:37,628 --> 00:46:41,599
The more important news story right
now, is "Cockpuncher" mania.
888
00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:44,002
It's sweeping the nation.
889
00:46:44,035 --> 00:46:49,007
And it better sweep
your newscast, Friday.
890
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:51,476
Take a putt.
891
00:46:51,509 --> 00:46:52,543
No?
892
00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:06,057
You owe me a pound, you son of
a bitch, I made that last one.
893
00:47:06,091 --> 00:47:08,493
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
894
00:47:08,526 --> 00:47:12,063
Stephen Seagal is "Cockpuncher."
Awesome!
895
00:47:12,097 --> 00:47:18,569
You damn, whorish,
corporate plugs.
896
00:47:18,603 --> 00:47:21,539
I'm a newsman, dammit.
897
00:47:21,572 --> 00:47:26,144
Oh!
898
00:47:26,177 --> 00:47:27,712
"Cockpuncher"
899
00:47:27,745 --> 00:47:29,023
I don't think
you have the balls.
900
00:47:29,047 --> 00:47:30,982
Oh, I cannot wait for Friday.
901
00:47:37,188 --> 00:47:38,323
Excuse me, sir.
902
00:47:38,356 --> 00:47:39,390
What can I get you?
903
00:47:39,424 --> 00:47:40,525
Uh, no, thank you.
904
00:47:40,558 --> 00:47:41,602
I don't drink or use drugs,
for that matter.
905
00:47:41,626 --> 00:47:43,661
No.
906
00:47:43,694 --> 00:47:47,198
I was just wondering if you could give
me directions to the local library.
907
00:47:47,232 --> 00:47:51,269
Um, two blocks down
and a left on Second.
908
00:47:51,302 --> 00:47:53,471
Thank you very much.
You have a wonderful evening.
909
00:48:00,245 --> 00:48:02,047
Hmm-mmm.
910
00:48:07,552 --> 00:48:09,620
Are you okay?
911
00:48:12,157 --> 00:48:14,759
Thank you.
You have a wonderful evening.
912
00:48:59,870 --> 00:49:03,141
Ah, fuck!
913
00:49:03,174 --> 00:49:04,174
Help.
914
00:49:05,310 --> 00:49:07,812
Has your penis become stuck
in a library book return slot?
915
00:49:09,147 --> 00:49:10,448
Call Kostman's.
The Penis People.
916
00:49:12,383 --> 00:49:16,454
We've been a tri-county area's penis
retrieval experts for 64 years.
917
00:49:16,487 --> 00:49:20,825
We'll get any penis
out of any slot for $39.95.
918
00:49:20,858 --> 00:49:22,793
That's my personal guarantee.
919
00:49:22,827 --> 00:49:28,033
So don't just sit there, hoping your penis
will somehow, magically free itself.
920
00:49:28,066 --> 00:49:29,634
Call Kostman's.
921
00:49:29,667 --> 00:49:31,036
They got my penis out.
922
00:49:31,069 --> 00:49:32,503
They got my penis out.
923
00:49:35,073 --> 00:49:37,208
They've got my penis out.
924
00:49:37,242 --> 00:49:39,944
They got all our penises out.
925
00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:41,712
Kostman's, the Penis People.
926
00:49:46,884 --> 00:49:48,719
This week's campaign
is gonna rule!
927
00:49:48,753 --> 00:49:51,522
I can't wait for the assault
on Castle Dragon Flame.
928
00:49:51,556 --> 00:49:53,991
I know, it's gonna be super,
totally awesome!
929
00:49:54,025 --> 00:49:55,826
I have a third-level
Elven Cleric,
930
00:49:55,860 --> 00:49:58,229
I can't wait to pit
against my foes.
931
00:49:58,263 --> 00:50:00,331
Yeah, well uh, don't count
on being too awesome.
932
00:50:00,365 --> 00:50:01,799
Look who just showed up.
933
00:50:06,204 --> 00:50:10,175
Well...
what have we stumbled upon here?
934
00:50:10,208 --> 00:50:11,576
Oh, shit.
935
00:50:11,609 --> 00:50:14,679
Dare you challenge the mights
of Proteous the Invincible?
936
00:50:17,448 --> 00:50:19,350
Ah.
937
00:50:19,384 --> 00:50:22,553
I see there are some beardless
saplings with us this afternoon,
938
00:50:22,587 --> 00:50:25,423
who've ne'er tasted my blade.
939
00:50:25,456 --> 00:50:27,492
This douchebag ruins everything.
940
00:50:27,525 --> 00:50:29,960
Prepare for total devastation.
941
00:50:31,929 --> 00:50:33,264
The magical wizardry,
942
00:50:33,298 --> 00:50:34,865
expert chaos, techniques,
943
00:50:34,899 --> 00:50:37,668
and incomparable
equipment roster.
944
00:50:37,702 --> 00:50:43,774
Proteous the Invincible will make short
work of all pretenders to the throne.
945
00:50:54,152 --> 00:50:56,287
Okay, Lial.
946
00:50:56,321 --> 00:51:00,391
How's about letting some of the
younger guys have a chance today?
947
00:51:00,425 --> 00:51:02,460
Okay?
948
00:51:02,493 --> 00:51:04,462
When it comes to
"Wizards and War Beasts,"
949
00:51:04,495 --> 00:51:08,833
I expect no quarter
and none should be given!
950
00:51:22,113 --> 00:51:23,714
Now that I've readied
my provisions
951
00:51:23,748 --> 00:51:26,117
for the day's foyer
into the fairy realms,
952
00:51:28,819 --> 00:51:30,721
let the slaughter begin!
953
00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:22,173
None remain standing before me.
954
00:52:22,207 --> 00:52:26,311
All have fallen before the
might of my broad sword.
955
00:52:31,482 --> 00:52:34,185
This is bullshit.
I'm leaving.
956
00:52:43,394 --> 00:52:45,530
I hope you're happy Lial.
957
00:52:45,563 --> 00:52:48,566
You just ruined another Saturday
for the whole gaming club.
958
00:52:48,599 --> 00:52:51,369
What care I for the sniveling
excuses of the weak?
959
00:52:51,402 --> 00:52:54,705
They shall bow before my wrath!
960
00:52:54,739 --> 00:52:59,244
In the realm of fantasy, only the strongest
will survive to conquer another day.
961
00:52:59,277 --> 00:53:00,778
Whatever.
962
00:53:07,885 --> 00:53:09,887
Alas...
963
00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:11,989
The day's adventuring
is now done
964
00:53:12,022 --> 00:53:17,428
and I must take
the number two bus back home.
965
00:53:17,462 --> 00:53:20,765
If only I could live
in the world of fantasy forever.
966
00:53:20,798 --> 00:53:23,834
Instead of being forced
to put up with this banal realm
967
00:53:23,868 --> 00:53:28,906
and it's silly,
weak-minded mortals.
968
00:53:28,939 --> 00:53:34,245
Oh, how I wish I could live in the
realm of "Wizards and War Beasts."
969
00:53:34,279 --> 00:53:36,747
Ruling the land
as a mightly conqueror,
970
00:53:36,781 --> 00:53:41,286
smiting orcs and ogres alike
with my trusty, broad sword.
971
00:53:44,555 --> 00:53:46,857
Proteous the Invincible?
972
00:53:46,891 --> 00:53:49,059
I've heard your plea.
973
00:53:49,093 --> 00:53:51,028
Uh, oh, oh, oh, wh-what?
974
00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,298
Who Who goes there?
975
00:53:53,331 --> 00:53:57,234
It is I, Gonthax,
demon of the astral plane.
976
00:53:57,268 --> 00:54:01,238
Never before have I seen your equal
on mortals that play this game.
977
00:54:01,272 --> 00:54:02,473
What's going on?
978
00:54:02,507 --> 00:54:04,141
Guys.
979
00:54:04,174 --> 00:54:08,313
I have chosen to grant your wish,
Proteous the Invisible.
980
00:54:08,346 --> 00:54:11,949
Come forth
into the land of legends.
981
00:54:17,455 --> 00:54:19,924
God, where am I?
982
00:54:21,692 --> 00:54:23,428
Ow!
983
00:54:44,715 --> 00:54:47,485
Oh, God, where am I?
984
00:54:47,518 --> 00:54:52,189
Proteous.
985
00:54:55,793 --> 00:54:59,697
Prepare to piss thyself, human.
986
00:54:59,730 --> 00:55:03,200
No, no, no.
987
00:55:03,233 --> 00:55:04,301
Please.
988
00:55:07,705 --> 00:55:09,840
Fucking geek.
989
00:55:09,874 --> 00:55:13,444
- After last night's heartbreaking
loss in Los Angeles,
990
00:55:13,478 --> 00:55:18,182
basketball star Dashante Jackson,
had harsh words for the Lord.
991
00:55:18,215 --> 00:55:20,518
You know, I would like to put
the blame on God tonight.
992
00:55:20,551 --> 00:55:22,052
For not blessing me
with the talent
993
00:55:22,086 --> 00:55:25,289
to hit the game
with a three-pointer tonight.
994
00:55:25,322 --> 00:55:29,460
You know what, without him, I would
truly be going to the playoffs.
995
00:55:29,494 --> 00:55:31,729
Bitch, I don't know why
you do this shit to me.
996
00:55:34,599 --> 00:55:36,834
In news
from our nation's capital,
997
00:55:36,867 --> 00:55:38,969
a group of Alzheimer's
Disease sufferers
998
00:55:39,003 --> 00:55:42,172
marched on Washington today,
demanding a cure for pancakes.
999
00:55:47,378 --> 00:55:51,649
Until this tea kettle is cured,
1000
00:55:51,682 --> 00:55:56,320
there will never be enough bread
in the laundry.
1001
00:55:56,353 --> 00:55:58,589
Ding dong!
1002
00:55:58,623 --> 00:56:00,057
Karate!
1003
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:17,174
* It's been building up so long
Yeah, yeah, yeah *
1004
00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:21,211
* And that feeling is oh,
so strong *
1005
00:56:21,245 --> 00:56:23,948
* Oh So, baby *
1006
00:56:23,981 --> 00:56:28,352
* Shoot your love all over me
1007
00:56:28,385 --> 00:56:32,256
* Oh, drown me in a milky sea
1008
00:56:32,289 --> 00:56:34,892
* Love all over me
1009
00:56:34,925 --> 00:56:37,428
Oh!
1010
00:56:37,462 --> 00:56:42,600
* Two unite for eternity
1011
00:56:42,633 --> 00:56:44,435
* Oh, yeah, yeah
1012
00:56:44,469 --> 00:56:47,538
* When I look at you, baby
1013
00:56:47,572 --> 00:56:51,709
* I see a man who loves fun
1014
00:56:51,742 --> 00:56:59,283
* But could good is it to make
locked away in that trunk *
1015
00:56:59,316 --> 00:57:02,453
* I don't need more roses
1016
00:57:02,487 --> 00:57:06,223
* Now that would be
just breathless *
1017
00:57:06,256 --> 00:57:09,393
* The gift I want from you
From you *
1018
00:57:09,426 --> 00:57:12,830
* Is my very own
pearl necklace *
1019
00:57:12,863 --> 00:57:13,964
Oh, shit.
1020
00:57:13,998 --> 00:57:18,268
* Shoot your love all over me
1021
00:57:18,302 --> 00:57:19,403
* Hey
1022
00:57:19,436 --> 00:57:22,272
* Drown me in a milky sea
1023
00:57:22,306 --> 00:57:25,442
* Love all over me
1024
00:57:25,476 --> 00:57:27,612
* Oh, baby *
1025
00:57:31,181 --> 00:57:33,851
Hi, I'm Michael Bolton.
1026
00:57:33,884 --> 00:57:35,653
Did you know that
all over the world,
1027
00:57:35,686 --> 00:57:39,156
there are millions of children
living in extreme poverty?
1028
00:57:39,189 --> 00:57:42,192
For more than forty years, the
What About The Children Foundation
1029
00:57:42,226 --> 00:57:46,030
has been making a difference in the lives
of kids throughout the Third World.
1030
00:57:46,063 --> 00:57:47,865
And so can you,
1031
00:57:47,898 --> 00:57:50,835
by adopting a What About The
Children sponsor child.
1032
00:57:50,868 --> 00:57:54,171
But don't take my word for it.
Take Dibo's.
1033
00:57:54,204 --> 00:57:56,707
Hello, I am Dibo.
1034
00:57:56,741 --> 00:57:57,875
Come!
1035
00:57:57,908 --> 00:57:59,677
Thanks to What About The Children,
1036
00:57:59,710 --> 00:58:01,445
Dibo has seen his
standard of living
1037
00:58:01,478 --> 00:58:05,650
swell well above the level of his
pathetic, poverty-stricken village.
1038
00:58:05,683 --> 00:58:07,518
What About The Children Foundation
1039
00:58:07,552 --> 00:58:10,120
is able to provide
a child like Dibo,
1040
00:58:10,154 --> 00:58:12,990
with some of the little things in
life, we so often take for granted.
1041
00:58:13,023 --> 00:58:14,324
Thanks, G.
1042
00:58:14,358 --> 00:58:15,860
Like electricity,
1043
00:58:15,893 --> 00:58:17,061
fresh drinking water,
1044
00:58:17,094 --> 00:58:18,362
indoor plumbing,
1045
00:58:18,395 --> 00:58:20,798
a 42-inch plasma
screen television,
1046
00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:23,668
the latest
Sony Playstation videogame,
1047
00:58:23,701 --> 00:58:26,737
1,000 thread count
Egyptian cotton sheets,
1048
00:58:26,771 --> 00:58:29,006
a subscription
to "The Wall Street Journal"
1049
00:58:29,039 --> 00:58:31,676
and selections from Marc
Jacobs' Men Spring collection.
1050
00:58:36,781 --> 00:58:39,149
Get your own fucked up family!
1051
00:58:43,220 --> 00:58:47,224
Thank goodness the McCormick's sent me a
security system to kept these animals out.
1052
00:58:47,257 --> 00:58:48,926
Thank you, Dibo.
1053
00:58:48,959 --> 00:58:51,161
It's stories like yours
that make it all worthwhile.
1054
00:58:54,298 --> 00:58:59,003
In breaking news, we now join
Dana Dobbs in Lakeshore Bluff.
1055
00:58:59,036 --> 00:59:02,707
Where a verdict has just been handed
down in the Timothy Shanaham trial.
1056
00:59:02,740 --> 00:59:05,710
Dana, what's the latest
on the situation?
1057
00:59:05,743 --> 00:59:07,177
Well Norm, as you can see,
1058
00:59:07,211 --> 00:59:09,379
I'm here outside the First
District Federal Courthouse,
1059
00:59:09,413 --> 00:59:12,349
where this angry mob of Negroes
1060
00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:16,253
is rioting over the guilty verdict
in the Timothy Shanaham case.
1061
00:59:23,661 --> 00:59:25,062
We will keep you posted.
1062
00:59:25,095 --> 00:59:26,263
Thanks, Dana.
1063
00:59:26,296 --> 00:59:27,296
Thank you, Norm.
1064
00:59:28,332 --> 00:59:30,134
Those crazy Negroes.
1065
00:59:33,738 --> 00:59:35,239
Enter.
1066
00:59:35,272 --> 00:59:37,050
Pardon me, General.
Your meeting's about to start.
1067
00:59:37,074 --> 00:59:38,475
Ah.
1068
00:59:38,508 --> 00:59:40,377
So as you can see, generals.
1069
00:59:40,410 --> 00:59:44,749
Death Co amalgamated's
M47 Jumping Johnny landmine
1070
00:59:44,782 --> 00:59:46,951
earned a triple A-rating,
in field trials
1071
00:59:46,984 --> 00:59:51,121
and boasts
a 98% kill-through ratio.
1072
00:59:51,155 --> 00:59:54,759
Making it the best landmine
for the government's dollar.
1073
01:00:01,431 --> 01:00:02,399
Nah.
1074
01:00:02,432 --> 01:00:05,135
We're gonna pass.
1075
01:00:05,169 --> 01:00:06,169
Thanks, anyway.
1076
01:01:01,325 --> 01:01:04,695
Fuck!
1077
01:01:04,729 --> 01:01:07,331
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
1078
01:01:07,364 --> 01:01:08,198
Fuck!
1079
01:01:08,232 --> 01:01:10,234
Fuck... fuck!
1080
01:01:10,267 --> 01:01:12,069
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
1081
01:01:12,102 --> 01:01:16,707
Fuck, fuck...
1082
01:01:16,741 --> 01:01:18,542
You call yourself a salesman?
1083
01:01:18,575 --> 01:01:21,078
We spent 400 billion dollars
in the company's money
1084
01:01:21,111 --> 01:01:23,180
developing these landmines
for the military.
1085
01:01:23,213 --> 01:01:24,982
You better find a way
to unload this things!
1086
01:01:26,283 --> 01:01:28,552
Tired of backbreaking yard work?
1087
01:01:28,585 --> 01:01:30,420
Then jump back!
1088
01:01:30,454 --> 01:01:32,689
For Jumping Johnny!
1089
01:01:32,723 --> 01:01:35,259
Jumping Johnny
blasts weeds to pieces,
1090
01:01:35,292 --> 01:01:37,361
brags ragweed,
1091
01:01:37,394 --> 01:01:38,328
crabgrass,
1092
01:01:38,362 --> 01:01:39,429
dandelions,
1093
01:01:39,463 --> 01:01:40,497
and rabbits,
1094
01:01:40,530 --> 01:01:41,932
raccoons,
1095
01:01:41,966 --> 01:01:43,734
even elephants!
1096
01:01:43,768 --> 01:01:45,069
So, what are you waiting for?
1097
01:01:45,102 --> 01:01:46,436
Get Jumping Johnny today!
1098
01:01:50,274 --> 01:01:54,244
It's now time for our weekly,
inspirational portrait.
1099
01:01:55,379 --> 01:01:58,949
This week, Brendan Laroux story.
1100
01:01:58,983 --> 01:02:02,252
Brendan Laroux's story
is one of dreams.
1101
01:02:02,286 --> 01:02:05,255
As a young boy,
he wanted to become a dancer.
1102
01:02:05,289 --> 01:02:08,625
But at the age of 12,
he lost his legs.
1103
01:02:08,658 --> 01:02:11,128
Now, this would be a setback
for any youngster.
1104
01:02:11,161 --> 01:02:13,530
But while his lack
of lower limbs
1105
01:02:13,563 --> 01:02:15,966
may have stopped him
from walking,
1106
01:02:16,000 --> 01:02:19,303
they didn't stop him
from pursuing his dream.
1107
01:02:20,504 --> 01:02:21,872
My whole life,
1108
01:02:21,906 --> 01:02:24,608
playing pro hockey
is all I ever wanted to do.
1109
01:02:24,641 --> 01:02:27,912
And I was determined to do
whatever it took to make it.
1110
01:02:27,945 --> 01:02:31,415
From age seven on,
I practiced... every day.
1111
01:02:31,448 --> 01:02:34,251
People said I was crazy.
1112
01:02:34,284 --> 01:02:40,490
They said, you know, only people
with legs can make it in pro hockey.
1113
01:02:40,524 --> 01:02:42,793
But I didn't let
the naysayers get to me.
1114
01:02:42,827 --> 01:02:47,764
In 1988, a 12-year-old Brendan
got his first big break.
1115
01:02:47,798 --> 01:02:51,335
When he joined the Moose Jaw
Bearcats junior boys' team.
1116
01:02:51,368 --> 01:02:53,971
People said the only reason
I made the team,
1117
01:02:54,004 --> 01:02:57,341
was because the coach
felt bad for me.
1118
01:02:57,374 --> 01:02:59,743
You know what?
1119
01:02:59,776 --> 01:03:04,348
That only made me
more determined to succeed.
1120
01:03:05,950 --> 01:03:07,784
Two years later,
1121
01:03:07,818 --> 01:03:11,822
that determination would once
again be put to the test
1122
01:03:11,856 --> 01:03:14,124
when doctors
informed Brendan that...
1123
01:03:14,158 --> 01:03:17,527
he would have to have
his wrists removed.
1124
01:03:17,561 --> 01:03:21,966
For that young man it was,
a difficult but inspiring time.
1125
01:03:21,999 --> 01:03:25,169
Without my wrists, there was...
1126
01:03:25,202 --> 01:03:29,439
nothing to keep my hands
attached to my arms, so.
1127
01:03:29,473 --> 01:03:33,643
Even though my hands were fine,
I... I lost them, too.
1128
01:03:35,880 --> 01:03:40,784
Now, Brendan may not have had as many
hands and legs as the other boys,
1129
01:03:40,817 --> 01:03:45,622
but he more than made up for
that with hard work and sweat.
1130
01:03:45,655 --> 01:03:49,359
He quickly moved
through the junior ranks.
1131
01:03:49,393 --> 01:03:51,361
And in 1997,
1132
01:03:51,395 --> 01:03:54,331
he got the call he'd been
waiting for his whole life.
1133
01:03:54,364 --> 01:03:56,033
The coach said,
1134
01:03:56,066 --> 01:04:01,838
"How would you like to be Pearl Hockey's
first legless, handless player?"
1135
01:04:01,872 --> 01:04:04,241
And I said,
1136
01:04:04,274 --> 01:04:07,477
"Coach, I'm your man.
1137
01:04:07,511 --> 01:04:09,479
I'm your man."
1138
01:04:10,881 --> 01:04:13,717
It was an inspiring night.
1139
01:04:13,750 --> 01:04:16,520
Full of... inspiration.
1140
01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:22,392
Then, two days later,
1141
01:04:22,426 --> 01:04:27,231
Brendan found out that his rib cage was
backwards, leaving the spine exposed.
1142
01:04:27,264 --> 01:04:29,699
That he needed a complete,
muscle transplant.
1143
01:04:29,733 --> 01:04:33,070
The risky surgery
lasted 720 hours.
1144
01:04:33,103 --> 01:04:37,507
Brendan came back
better than ever.
1145
01:04:37,541 --> 01:04:40,844
Brendan persevered
and was selected MVP.
1146
01:04:40,877 --> 01:04:44,781
Just when it seemed like the
dark clouds had finally passed,
1147
01:04:44,814 --> 01:04:47,017
Brendan contracted scurvy,
1148
01:04:47,051 --> 01:04:50,921
went bankrupt and his wife was...
eaten by wolves.
1149
01:04:50,955 --> 01:04:54,358
He was also molested
by his uncle Jerry.
1150
01:04:54,391 --> 01:04:57,561
Today, Brendan's journey has
opened the door for many athletes
1151
01:04:57,594 --> 01:04:59,930
who never would've been
given a chance
1152
01:04:59,964 --> 01:05:04,701
if he hadn't broken down pro
sports physical ability barrier.
1153
01:05:04,734 --> 01:05:09,039
Athletes like Emma Heathcoat,
cerebral palsy sufferer
1154
01:05:09,073 --> 01:05:11,441
and three-time
National Equestrian champ.
1155
01:05:14,778 --> 01:05:17,714
Blind stockcar driver,
Bobby Templeton.
1156
01:05:23,353 --> 01:05:26,756
Deaf Olympic sprinter,
Craig Connors.
1157
01:05:31,128 --> 01:05:35,065
Gil Sereman, the world's first
professional comatose diver.
1158
01:05:39,669 --> 01:05:44,074
And of course, Chicago's
shooting guard, Herby Cohen,
1159
01:05:44,108 --> 01:05:46,243
who was born with Judaism.
1160
01:05:51,315 --> 01:05:54,518
Yes, none of it
would have been possible
1161
01:05:54,551 --> 01:05:59,123
without Brendan Laroux,
a true, inspirational portrait.
1162
01:06:03,060 --> 01:06:05,495
In adult entertainment
industry news,
1163
01:06:05,529 --> 01:06:09,033
the nation's porn stars
gathered today in Los Angeles,
1164
01:06:09,066 --> 01:06:13,770
in a unified demand for stronger,
more intense sexual intercourse.
1165
01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:15,472
Fuck me with your big cock!
1166
01:06:15,505 --> 01:06:16,840
Give it to me harder.
1167
01:06:16,873 --> 01:06:18,542
Fuck me 'til I explode!
1168
01:06:20,144 --> 01:06:24,681
Calling the tragedy a terrible,
unintentional mistake,
1169
01:06:24,714 --> 01:06:27,784
the Los Angeles Police Department
issued an apology today
1170
01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:29,486
for the accidental shooting,
1171
01:06:29,519 --> 01:06:30,487
clubbing,
1172
01:06:30,520 --> 01:06:31,655
stabbing,
1173
01:06:31,688 --> 01:06:32,656
firebombing,
1174
01:06:32,689 --> 01:06:33,690
choking, impaling,
1175
01:06:33,723 --> 01:06:34,691
electrocution,
1176
01:06:34,724 --> 01:06:36,726
legal injection death
1177
01:06:36,760 --> 01:06:38,662
of an African American man.
1178
01:06:40,097 --> 01:06:42,632
I'm Kepp Kendall,
reporting for "The Onion News."
1179
01:06:42,666 --> 01:06:46,503
As the conflict between Sloravia
and Azmenistan deepens,
1180
01:06:46,536 --> 01:06:48,505
college campuses
across this country
1181
01:06:48,538 --> 01:06:51,741
have become a hotbed
of political activity.
1182
01:06:51,775 --> 01:06:54,178
We're here
in Santa Cruz, California today.
1183
01:06:54,211 --> 01:06:55,679
Let's listen in.
1184
01:06:55,712 --> 01:06:58,682
Stop violence.
1185
01:06:58,715 --> 01:07:02,486
Stop the violence.
1186
01:07:02,519 --> 01:07:08,558
Stop the mothafucking violence!
1187
01:07:08,592 --> 01:07:12,096
Increase the peace!
1188
01:07:12,129 --> 01:07:14,064
For the past three years,
1189
01:07:14,098 --> 01:07:19,869
Sloravia and Azmenistan have been
locked in a pointless and bloody war.
1190
01:07:19,903 --> 01:07:24,208
Their cowardly leaders sent innocent,
young men into battle to die.
1191
01:07:28,612 --> 01:07:31,215
To die.
1192
01:07:31,248 --> 01:07:33,717
Well, you know what?
1193
01:07:33,750 --> 01:07:37,887
We need to put those leaders in a
room and let them fight it out!
1194
01:07:43,627 --> 01:07:44,894
You know what else?
1195
01:07:44,928 --> 01:07:46,896
What this countries need to do,
1196
01:07:46,930 --> 01:07:48,732
they need to do,
1197
01:07:48,765 --> 01:07:50,800
they need to listen
to their women a little more.
1198
01:07:50,834 --> 01:07:51,701
Yeah!
1199
01:07:51,735 --> 01:07:55,071
'Cause women, women create life.
1200
01:07:55,105 --> 01:07:58,808
While men, they destroy it.
1201
01:07:58,842 --> 01:08:01,911
So let's all stand up against
the corporate war machine
1202
01:08:01,945 --> 01:08:05,782
that only exists to do
the imperialistic agenda
1203
01:08:05,815 --> 01:08:08,918
against the...
the oppressed minority!
1204
01:08:08,952 --> 01:08:14,991
Right?
1205
01:08:15,024 --> 01:08:16,102
Love you, love you brother!
1206
01:08:16,126 --> 01:08:17,594
Peace!
1207
01:08:17,627 --> 01:08:19,296
Go on, love!
1208
01:08:26,035 --> 01:08:27,103
Excuse me, Chad.
1209
01:08:27,137 --> 01:08:28,772
What's up?
1210
01:08:28,805 --> 01:08:33,076
We're the U.N. and let me just
say, we are very impressed.
1211
01:08:33,109 --> 01:08:35,011
What you said up there
was dead on, Chad.
1212
01:08:35,044 --> 01:08:36,646
Dead-on.
1213
01:08:36,680 --> 01:08:38,315
What?
1214
01:08:38,348 --> 01:08:42,419
We want you to negotiate talks
between Sloravia and Azmenistan.
1215
01:08:42,452 --> 01:08:44,821
Shut up, dude.
1216
01:08:44,854 --> 01:08:49,459
- We're convinced you're the man who can
finally bring peace to this troubled region.
1217
01:08:49,493 --> 01:08:50,927
- Will you do it, Chad?
1218
01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:54,864
Will you help us...
increase the peace?
1219
01:08:57,567 --> 01:08:59,369
Fuck yeah!
1220
01:08:59,403 --> 01:09:01,104
Fuck yeah, dude, I'm in.
1221
01:09:01,137 --> 01:09:02,839
- Great.
Will you come with me, please?
1222
01:09:02,872 --> 01:09:05,675
Yeah.
1223
01:09:09,746 --> 01:09:14,484
Your systematic campaign of aggression
against my country is the reason...
1224
01:09:14,518 --> 01:09:18,355
Our military operations
are purely in the response
1225
01:09:18,388 --> 01:09:20,890
for your repeated violation
of the treaty!
1226
01:09:20,924 --> 01:09:23,026
You are the one to violate
the peace treaty...
1227
01:09:23,059 --> 01:09:24,060
We?
1228
01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:30,467
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Guys!
1229
01:09:30,500 --> 01:09:31,501
Guys, chill.
1230
01:09:31,535 --> 01:09:33,036
Chill.
1231
01:09:33,069 --> 01:09:38,174
Let's take a chill pill here.
1232
01:09:38,208 --> 01:09:40,377
Don't you guys realize that,
1233
01:09:40,410 --> 01:09:43,247
war no matter how justified
it may seem,
1234
01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:46,483
is not the answer.
1235
01:09:46,516 --> 01:09:48,918
It's not?
1236
01:09:48,952 --> 01:09:51,821
No, man.
1237
01:09:51,855 --> 01:09:57,594
Love is the answer.
1238
01:09:57,627 --> 01:10:00,230
Now.
1239
01:10:00,264 --> 01:10:02,399
Let's get
this peace shit started.
1240
01:10:10,807 --> 01:10:15,078
* A baby is born
An old man dies *
1241
01:10:15,111 --> 01:10:19,249
* One child's laughing
while another one cries *
1242
01:10:19,283 --> 01:10:24,354
* Seasons change
right before my eyes *
1243
01:10:27,557 --> 01:10:32,061
* Sun comes up
The sun goes down *
1244
01:10:32,095 --> 01:10:36,232
* The world takes
another spin around *
1245
01:10:36,266 --> 01:10:40,470
* Tide goes out Tide goes in *
1246
01:10:40,504 --> 01:10:46,075
* Life goes on, on again *
1247
01:11:34,458 --> 01:11:36,760
In international news,
1248
01:11:36,793 --> 01:11:40,930
the crisis between Sloravia
and Azmenistan deepened today
1249
01:11:40,964 --> 01:11:43,933
when the leaders
of the two rival nations...
1250
01:11:43,967 --> 01:11:45,335
Hey America!
1251
01:11:45,369 --> 01:11:49,706
Get ready to... punch some cock!
1252
01:11:57,046 --> 01:12:02,185
Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia
to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region.
1253
01:12:03,920 --> 01:12:10,293
If it's not our lead story,
consider it my resignation.
1254
01:12:10,326 --> 01:12:11,728
"Cockpuncher" mania.
1255
01:12:27,010 --> 01:12:28,344
Two minutes, Norm.
1256
01:13:43,453 --> 01:13:46,122
And now, "The Onion News,"
1257
01:13:46,155 --> 01:13:48,592
America's Finest News Source.
- Honey, it's about to start.
1258
01:13:48,625 --> 01:13:50,927
Featuring Dana Dobbs,
1259
01:13:50,960 --> 01:13:53,630
Senior Correspondent,
Kepp Kendalls,
1260
01:13:53,663 --> 01:13:56,500
and award-winning anchor,
Norm Archer.
1261
01:13:56,533 --> 01:13:58,001
Good evening.
1262
01:14:07,544 --> 01:14:11,781
For the past 27 years,
I sat at this desk,
1263
01:14:11,815 --> 01:14:14,017
dedicating myself to one thing,
1264
01:14:14,050 --> 01:14:17,821
delivering the news to you,
the American viewing public,
1265
01:14:17,854 --> 01:14:21,424
in the most fair, balanced,
serious way possible.
1266
01:14:21,457 --> 01:14:23,126
What's he doing?
1267
01:14:23,159 --> 01:14:26,029
Well. Things are changing
in the news game.
1268
01:14:26,062 --> 01:14:29,866
And I've been under pressure
to change with them.
1269
01:14:29,899 --> 01:14:33,703
Desperate to stay one step
ahead of the competition,
1270
01:14:33,737 --> 01:14:36,706
the powers that be
at this network
1271
01:14:36,740 --> 01:14:40,777
have done everything they can to
get me to compromise my values.
1272
01:14:40,810 --> 01:14:45,214
To attract more of those
precious, Nielsen eyeballs.
1273
01:14:45,248 --> 01:14:49,352
And once I get those eyeballs,
what do they want me to do?
1274
01:14:49,385 --> 01:14:52,388
Plug our parent company's
movies and other products
1275
01:14:52,421 --> 01:14:55,058
like a two bit,
network news whore.
1276
01:14:55,091 --> 01:14:56,459
Motherfucker!
1277
01:14:56,492 --> 01:14:58,027
Well.
1278
01:14:58,061 --> 01:15:02,031
I've been giving this whole,
ugly business a lot of thought.
1279
01:15:02,065 --> 01:15:08,337
In just a few moments before going on the air
tonight, I finally came to a conclusion.
1280
01:15:08,371 --> 01:15:10,339
And that conclusion is...
1281
01:15:10,373 --> 01:15:12,175
Nobody move!
1282
01:15:12,208 --> 01:15:16,045
Or the anchor infidel dies!
1283
01:15:16,079 --> 01:15:20,316
The Al-Q'Utaya Terrorists'
Organization officially declares war
1284
01:15:20,349 --> 01:15:24,654
on the decadent, immoral,
United States of Satan.
1285
01:15:24,688 --> 01:15:26,522
We shit on your country!
1286
01:15:26,556 --> 01:15:29,192
And piss also!
1287
01:15:29,225 --> 01:15:30,560
It was good.
1288
01:15:30,594 --> 01:15:35,665
Tonight, on live television,
the American people will watch
1289
01:15:35,699 --> 01:15:41,370
this great spreader of Western
lies get blown into pieces.
1290
01:15:41,404 --> 01:15:42,404
Cutting the cameras.
1291
01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:51,447
Unless, the United States
government formally apologizes
1292
01:15:51,480 --> 01:15:55,551
for it's rotting,
immoral culture.
1293
01:15:55,585 --> 01:15:59,288
And withdraws all troops
from the Middle East.
1294
01:15:59,322 --> 01:16:00,957
Like that's gonna happen.
1295
01:16:00,990 --> 01:16:02,759
Are you listening...
1296
01:16:02,792 --> 01:16:05,394
Mr. President?
1297
01:16:05,428 --> 01:16:07,230
We might be fucked, sir.
1298
01:16:07,263 --> 01:16:08,364
We will do it.
1299
01:16:08,397 --> 01:16:10,133
We will kill him right here,
1300
01:16:10,166 --> 01:16:12,535
if you do not meet our demands.
1301
01:16:12,568 --> 01:16:13,569
- Oh, yeah?
1302
01:16:17,974 --> 01:16:20,910
I don't think you
have the balls.
1303
01:16:20,944 --> 01:16:22,211
Cockpuncher!
1304
01:16:22,245 --> 01:16:23,880
Ahmed.
1305
01:16:23,913 --> 01:16:29,485
It is the mighty puncher
of cocks!
1306
01:16:29,518 --> 01:16:31,988
How nice of you to join us...
1307
01:16:32,021 --> 01:16:33,957
Cockpuncher.
1308
01:16:33,990 --> 01:16:36,660
We've been expecting you.
1309
01:16:36,693 --> 01:16:40,997
Allow me to introduce the
Al-Q'Utaya Terrorist Organization.
1310
01:16:52,041 --> 01:16:53,977
I'm hungry.
1311
01:16:54,010 --> 01:16:57,180
I could sure go
for a Sunday topped with...
1312
01:16:57,213 --> 01:16:58,181
crushed nuts.
1313
01:16:58,214 --> 01:16:59,582
Yummy!
1314
01:17:02,285 --> 01:17:04,087
Come on, Cockpuncher!
1315
01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:05,689
Go get them!
1316
01:17:21,137 --> 01:17:22,137
Give him a rock!
1317
01:17:26,910 --> 01:17:30,013
I believe you
will be releasing Norm now.
1318
01:17:30,046 --> 01:17:34,150
Not so fast... Cockpuncher.
1319
01:17:36,986 --> 01:17:39,188
Cockblocked.
1320
01:17:41,057 --> 01:17:43,359
The clever terrorist.
1321
01:17:43,392 --> 01:17:46,295
They blocked their cocks.
1322
01:17:46,329 --> 01:17:48,664
- Maybe I can be
of some assistance?
1323
01:17:48,698 --> 01:17:49,709
You don't want to hurt Norm.
1324
01:17:49,733 --> 01:17:51,300
Melissa Cherry!
1325
01:17:51,334 --> 01:17:54,537
You don't wanna hurt America.
1326
01:17:54,570 --> 01:17:58,975
This is the greatest, gosh darned
country in the whole, wide world.
1327
01:17:59,008 --> 01:18:00,676
Oh, she is...
1328
01:18:00,710 --> 01:18:03,046
Denis, give me a drink.
1329
01:18:03,079 --> 01:18:08,184
Where else can you take a shot at
our dreams and make them come true?
1330
01:18:08,217 --> 01:18:12,555
Where else can you take a stand
for what's right?
1331
01:18:12,588 --> 01:18:15,725
And change millions of minds.
1332
01:18:15,759 --> 01:18:20,797
And most importantly, where else
can you take me from behind?
1333
01:18:23,767 --> 01:18:25,068
Hit it boys!
1334
01:18:27,403 --> 01:18:29,172
* Oh, when you love me
1335
01:18:29,205 --> 01:18:31,941
* You know that I don't mind
1336
01:18:31,975 --> 01:18:33,609
* What I really want
is for you *
1337
01:18:33,642 --> 01:18:36,212
* to take me from behind, yeah *
1338
01:18:36,245 --> 01:18:37,713
* And when you want me
1339
01:18:37,747 --> 01:18:39,883
* You know that I don't mind
1340
01:18:39,916 --> 01:18:42,118
* Oh, and what I really want is
for you...
1341
01:18:42,151 --> 01:18:44,453
Come on, Cherry.
1342
01:18:46,923 --> 01:18:49,725
What the fuck is going on?
1343
01:18:49,759 --> 01:18:51,227
* Oh
1344
01:18:51,260 --> 01:18:53,062
* And when you love me
1345
01:18:53,096 --> 01:18:55,364
* You know that I don't mind
No, no *
1346
01:18:55,398 --> 01:18:59,235
* What I really want is for you
to take me from behind *
1347
01:18:59,268 --> 01:19:01,704
* Yeah, and when you love me
1348
01:19:01,737 --> 01:19:04,307
* You know that I don't mind
Oh *
1349
01:19:04,340 --> 01:19:08,277
* And what I really want is for
you to take me from behind *
1350
01:19:08,311 --> 01:19:10,646
* Oh, yeah, I don't mind...
1351
01:19:10,679 --> 01:19:12,048
Ahman!
1352
01:19:12,081 --> 01:19:13,482
Think unsexy thoughts!
1353
01:19:13,516 --> 01:19:15,785
Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts.
1354
01:19:15,819 --> 01:19:17,453
Think unsexy thoughts!
1355
01:19:33,803 --> 01:19:38,107
Your immoral, Western sexuality
will not work on us.
1356
01:19:38,141 --> 01:19:42,145
Mr. President, the time has come
to give in to our demands.
1357
01:19:42,178 --> 01:19:45,314
If we do not hear from you
in ten seconds,
1358
01:19:45,348 --> 01:19:48,517
we will kill everyone
in this studio.
1359
01:19:48,551 --> 01:19:50,019
We might be fucked, sir.
1360
01:19:50,053 --> 01:19:51,120
Ten!
1361
01:19:51,154 --> 01:19:52,621
Nine!
1362
01:19:52,655 --> 01:19:53,957
Eight!
1363
01:19:53,990 --> 01:19:55,191
Seven!
1364
01:19:55,224 --> 01:19:56,125
Six!
1365
01:19:56,159 --> 01:19:57,593
Five!
1366
01:19:57,626 --> 01:19:58,862
Four!
1367
01:19:58,895 --> 01:20:00,163
Three!
1368
01:20:00,196 --> 01:20:01,197
Two!
1369
01:20:01,230 --> 01:20:02,230
One!
1370
01:20:06,535 --> 01:20:08,037
Not so rapido!
1371
01:20:08,071 --> 01:20:09,338
Peruvians!
1372
01:20:09,372 --> 01:20:12,175
Daddy, what's a Peruvian?
1373
01:20:12,208 --> 01:20:13,509
It's kind of like a Mexican,
son.
1374
01:20:13,542 --> 01:20:15,178
Viva Peru.
1375
01:20:15,211 --> 01:20:16,846
Que viva.
1376
01:20:38,935 --> 01:20:40,236
You Cockpuncher, amigo
1377
01:21:06,462 --> 01:21:11,267
You know Ahman, violence
is almost never necessary.
1378
01:21:11,300 --> 01:21:12,735
I admit.
1379
01:21:12,768 --> 01:21:15,604
I've punched thousands upon
thousands of cocks in my life,
1380
01:21:15,638 --> 01:21:17,240
but I've never killed anyone
1381
01:21:17,273 --> 01:21:19,842
because no matter
what your religion might be,
1382
01:21:19,875 --> 01:21:22,278
no matter
what your politics might be,
1383
01:21:22,311 --> 01:21:24,080
no matter
how much money is involved,
1384
01:21:24,113 --> 01:21:27,183
there's never any reason
to take human life.
1385
01:21:27,216 --> 01:21:29,518
Human life is the most
previous thing there is.
1386
01:21:29,552 --> 01:21:30,753
Fuck aye, man.
1387
01:21:30,786 --> 01:21:33,756
That's some cool shit, man.
1388
01:21:33,789 --> 01:21:39,528
You know what?
1389
01:21:39,562 --> 01:21:42,231
You are absolutely right,
Cockpuncher.
1390
01:21:42,265 --> 01:21:46,635
Violence is not the answer.
1391
01:21:46,669 --> 01:21:49,405
Terrorism never solved anything.
1392
01:21:49,438 --> 01:21:51,240
To hell with terrorism!
1393
01:21:51,274 --> 01:21:52,942
Yeah!
Yeah.
1394
01:21:52,976 --> 01:21:57,981
I'm sick and tired
of living in a fucking cave.
1395
01:21:58,014 --> 01:22:01,450
I'm sick of doing nothing
but cursing the West all day.
1396
01:22:01,484 --> 01:22:04,253
Jesus aged Allah.
1397
01:22:04,287 --> 01:22:05,821
I like the West.
1398
01:22:05,854 --> 01:22:07,423
Good bless America.
1399
01:22:07,456 --> 01:22:09,158
I like TV.
1400
01:22:09,192 --> 01:22:11,327
And I like bacon,
double cheese burgers.
1401
01:22:11,360 --> 01:22:12,261
Woo-hoo!
1402
01:22:12,295 --> 01:22:15,331
And I like the rapping music.
1403
01:22:15,364 --> 01:22:22,972
But most of all, I like
this big budget action hero.
1404
01:22:23,006 --> 01:22:25,808
Long live
the mighty puncher of cocks!
1405
01:22:33,349 --> 01:22:34,349
Woo!
1406
01:22:44,127 --> 01:22:46,329
Hey, Norm.
1407
01:22:46,362 --> 01:22:50,466
Crazy shit, huh?
1408
01:22:50,499 --> 01:22:54,170
With all due respect,
we just wanted to ask...
1409
01:22:54,203 --> 01:22:56,181
What-what were you going to say
during your speech?
1410
01:22:56,205 --> 01:22:57,506
Yeah, we were wondering
1411
01:22:57,540 --> 01:23:00,843
what the conclusion
that you came to was.
1412
01:23:00,876 --> 01:23:02,678
Well, I was going to say,
"I'm mad as hell,
1413
01:23:02,711 --> 01:23:04,513
I'm not going to
take it anymore."
1414
01:23:04,547 --> 01:23:05,881
But after what just happened,
1415
01:23:05,914 --> 01:23:08,784
I think I learned a little
lesson I won't soon forget.
1416
01:23:08,817 --> 01:23:10,386
As a matter of fact,
1417
01:23:10,419 --> 01:23:15,991
I think we've all learned a few
things in the past 90 minutes.
1418
01:23:16,025 --> 01:23:18,861
We've learned that Irishmen
have huge nipples,
1419
01:23:18,894 --> 01:23:23,032
we've learned that film critic
intellectuals are a bunch of gaywads.
1420
01:23:23,066 --> 01:23:26,001
And most of all,
we've learned...
1421
01:23:26,035 --> 01:23:31,974
creeping corporate influence over
the news protects us from terrorism.
1422
01:23:37,346 --> 01:23:38,347
Hey, everybody.
1423
01:23:38,381 --> 01:23:40,049
We're all gonna get laid!
1424
01:24:00,803 --> 01:24:03,106
Cannonball!
1425
01:24:10,446 --> 01:24:16,619
Um, I can't help but think it must have taken a
lot courage to make such a provocative film.
1426
01:24:16,652 --> 01:24:19,455
And joining us
to discuss just that,
1427
01:24:19,488 --> 01:24:23,126
is the man
who green-lit the film.
1428
01:24:23,159 --> 01:24:25,027
Thanks, Kenneth.
Pleasure to be here.
1429
01:24:25,060 --> 01:24:27,130
So, uh...
1430
01:24:27,163 --> 01:24:31,267
Now while you gave the makers of this
film tremendous leeway, obviously,
1431
01:24:31,300 --> 01:24:34,370
still, there was some material
that you simply refused to allow?
1432
01:24:34,403 --> 01:24:35,471
That's true.
1433
01:24:35,504 --> 01:24:37,406
Basically, as committed as I was
1434
01:24:37,440 --> 01:24:39,908
to letting this guys be free
to do their thing,
1435
01:24:39,942 --> 01:24:43,812
there were simply some images that I
just didn't feel comfortable with.
1436
01:24:43,846 --> 01:24:46,982
Hmm-mmm. But I understand
you did bring some clips.
1437
01:24:47,015 --> 01:24:49,918
That's right, uh, I would like to
show some special bonus material.
1438
01:24:49,952 --> 01:24:52,755
This are scenes that didn't
make it into the movie.
1439
01:24:52,788 --> 01:24:53,922
Great.
1440
01:24:53,956 --> 01:24:55,458
Let's take a look.
1441
01:25:10,673 --> 01:25:13,309
What we do, is we get the kitty
1442
01:25:13,342 --> 01:25:15,344
and we put it in
a simple egg batter.
1443
01:25:15,378 --> 01:25:18,514
Oh, shh, that's fine.
1444
01:25:18,547 --> 01:25:20,983
And then we just simply
roll it around,
1445
01:25:21,016 --> 01:25:24,953
making sure we cover
the whole thing, entirely.
1446
01:25:24,987 --> 01:25:28,090
Making sure it's completely covered
in an herb, bread crumb batter.
1447
01:25:28,123 --> 01:25:29,492
Here.
- I see. Okay,
1448
01:25:29,525 --> 01:25:32,127
thank you.
And then... oh, oh!
1449
01:25:32,161 --> 01:25:33,329
The canola oil.
1450
01:25:35,564 --> 01:25:39,001
You know, I think you have to
draw a line somewhere.
1451
01:29:40,909 --> 01:29:44,046
For the Onion News,
this is Norm Archer.
1452
01:29:44,079 --> 01:29:46,482
Fuck you and good night.
106889
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