All language subtitles for Will.Harper.2024.1080p.WEBRip.x265.10bit.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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Okay, Will,
whenever you're ready.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Okay, just walking
into the room and

sitting down the way you sometimes see
at the top of a documentary.

Where they use the B-roll,

but the person... the subject
didn't realize they were gonna use it.

But it's all natural.

Hi there. I'm Will Ferrell.
One of the greatest actors in the world.

A long time ago,
back when I was at Saturday Night Live...

Will Ferrell.

I haven't made
a lot of friends here. Really.

...I met a guy named Andrew Steele.

He was hired as a writer
the same week I was hired to perform.

Hello, I'm Robert Goulet.

He wrote a bunch of sketches for me.

Hello, you got Saddam.

And he eventually became
the head writer of SNL.

Will you put the antlers down?

Andrew was Iowa-born and raised.

501 jeans,

shitty beer,

hitchhiking type of guy.

Three days.

No sleep.

Basically, a lovable curmudgeon

with a super weird,
creative sense of humor.

We worked
at Saturday Night Live for years,

and he kept bringing up

that he wanted to do
an after-school special.

Do you know the dangers
of diabetic ketoacidosis?

We goofed off a lot.

We drank a lot.

If you've ever
scratched your head and said,

"Why did Will Ferrell make that?"

there's a good chance
Andrew Steele was involved.

Why did I make a Lifetime TV movie?

Sarah can work.
I'll stay at home with the kids.

Why did I make a movie all in Spanish?

Let's have
a race back to the house!

Why did I make
a bunch of commercials for a shitty beer?

While this was all happening,
we both got married,

became dads,

and, over the years,

he became one of my closest friends.

When the pandemic hit,
we didn't see each other for a long time.

And then one day, I was in the middle
of shooting a movie in Boston,

and I got this email from Andrew.

"Hey, Will."

"Something I need you to know."

"I'm old now,

and, as ridiculous and unnecessary
as it may seem to report,

I'll be transitioning to live as a woman."

"In the last ten years,

I've been trying to understand
what's going on."

"Tried to get rid of it
over and over again throughout my life."

"Now I'm giving up the fight."

"When I was young,
I thought all boys felt like me."

"Then I thought,
'Maybe I'm just a weirdo.'"

"Then I pushed it away for many years
and ended up in therapy."

"It's a wonderful thing
when your mind and body

revolt against the unnatural,
despondent thing you've become."

"I doubt being a trans woman
will change my personality that much."

"Instead of an asshole, I'll be a bitch."

"I think it's made me a lot happier."

"I'd like to say my happiness
translates to a bright, carefree future

full of courage and confidence,
but no such luck."

"I... I carry self-doubt and fear around me,

like the comedian I've been
my whole life."

"I'm not gonna be good at this."

"It's really going to be slow
and awkward and terrifying and joyful."

"Mainly, I'm hoping
I don't lose anyone I care about."

"Thanks, name forthcoming."

That letter was really hard to send.

I kept rewriting it
over and over again and

trying to say what I wanted to say.

It was just... whoa.

This is... crazy.

The biggest question when people come out
of the closet is, "Will I still be loved?"

I've met trans people
who were not loved when they came out.

I don't doubt that Will is my friend,

but I'm not Andrew Steele anymore.

Okay, where do we go from here?

When I sent
the email out to Will,

he responded pretty quickly
that he supported me coming out.

♪ All by myself
Alone at home feeling blue... ♪

I wrote her a note
saying I loved her and supported her,

and we'd check in with each other
whenever we could.

Oh!

Jackpot!

But... I still had a lot of questions.

And I have
a lot of questions I wanna ask Will.

Like what does being trans mean to him?
Does he think I'm a woman?

Does he know any trans people besides me?

Why the name Harper?

And how long did she feel this way?

What made her keep this in for so long?

Is he curious about hormones
and surgeries and hair removal?

Does he wanna ask me all the questions
you're not supposed to ask trans people?

Does she still like shitty beer?

Why does he think
Natty Light is a terrible beer?

Or is she just totally into wine now?

It's a fucking delicious beer.
It's the best beer out there.

How am I supposed to treat her?
Does she want it to change?

Will I be making a completely new friend?

Hello?

So then he called me,

and his idea at the time was, he knows
that I've been across this country

almost as much as a truck driver.

I've driven it. I hitchhiked. I...
I've been everywhere. I love it so much.

I made it.

I just don't know
if it loves me back right now.

After she had come out and transitioned,
she had kind of lamented,

"Gosh, I don't know if I can go
to these same places as Harper."

A kind of light bulb went off in my head
and was like,

"Harper, would you wanna do a road trip

where we visit these places
as this new version of yourself?"

"And at the same time,

we'd figure out
what this all means to us."

♪ I drive a big freightliner
An' I made my last payment today ♪

♪ An' I drive to all the points
Outta New York City to LA... ♪

When I road-tripped as a guy,

I brought three T-shirts,

three underwears...

...and a pair of jeans.

Yeah, this is gonna be hard.
And the shoes are the hardest part.

Oh my God.

Every way
that this suitcase can be expanded,

I'm going to expand it.

♪ Giddyup-go... ♪

Okay.

♪ Gonna pass Red Simpson
And his runaway truck... ♪

I just brought a couple pair of shoes
'cause that's all you really need.

I got this deer hunter jacket,

which I'll probably hardly wear.

Sherlock Holmes costume.
I think I should bring it.

I'm just worried this isn't gonna fit.

Dang it.

I have to leave the alto sax.

You gotta bring chairs
on a road trip.

Gotta have chairs, a cooler.

You never know when you're gonna stop

and need to drink a cold Natty Light

or whatever Will drinks.

Some kind of craft beer.

Probably tastes like an orange.

Harper.

Look at you.

- I'm stuck in Dallas right now.
-

We got diverted

'cause there was
a air pressure situation in the cabin.

I incessantly rang my call button.

- I said, "Do they need help up there?"
- Right. Of course.

And they said, "Please, sir."

- You're--
-"Please relax."

And I said, " You relax."

So we actua--
We got thrown off the flight.

You're picking me up, right?

- Gonna pick you up in the city.
- All right.

- Hey, I'll see you in New York, okay?
- Okay. Bye-bye.

We have
16 days out there on the road.

I'm sure a lot of things will come up,
but... it... it's weird.

We are good friends.

But are we?
Like, it's a weird thing to say.

I was always Harper Steele.

So Will was always
friends with Harper Steele.

But there was this persona
that he was also friends with

that I don't particularly like
or need right now.

Harper, I made it onto the flight.

Um...

All systems go.

So many of us don't know
what the rules of engagement are.

And in terms of our friendship
and our relationship,

it's... it's... it's uncharted waters.

I'll see you later. Bye.

I don't know why
he picked some weird spot.

Maybe it's just a celebrity thing.
He doesn't like to be out in the open.

What the fuck? Oh my God.

Yeah.

You made it.

Thanks for picking me up.

- What is this?
- Yeah. Van Cortlandt.

- Oh, that's--
- Remember?

- Oh, hey, old buddy.
- How are ya?

I do remember.

- Remember all our--
- Yeah, we golfed up here two times.

I still have my... my card.

My New York City golf permit.

- Wanna get in a round?
- Let's get in a round.

Okay. Oh Jesus.

- You look great, by the way.
- Oh, hey, thank you.

I love your jacket.

- I'm an expert packer.
- Oh yeah. That's--

- There we go.
- Yeah, no. That'll stay.

I can't wait to get in this.

How does this baby handle?

Uh, shittily.

- It handles shittily.
- Shag carpet everywhere.

- So comfortable.
- Oh, it's so luxurious.

- So luxurious. Let's go.
- All right, let's go.

I'd say we're gonna leave the city,
but I wanna have breakfast with my kids,

and then we'll hit the road after that.

I'm excited to see your kids again.
I haven't seen them in a long time.

Hey!

- Hey!
- Hi, guys.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- How you doing, buddy?
- Good to see ya.

Emma, I haven't seen you...
When was the last...

I saw you at SNL one time, I think,
like, maybe three or four...

- Before the pandemic.
- I met you even before that.

- You guys were all super little.
- Yeah.

And at one point,
you brought out a little tiny saxophone?

- I did?
- Yeah.

And you started doing a bit, like...

♪ Playing in a family band ♪

- Really?
- And then--

- I didn't know you could play.
- Then I played a little instrument.

And you two just stared at us like,
"This is not funny, nor is it good."

- Now here's the dilemma.
- Okay, uh-oh.

- There's a Greek omelet.
- Yeah.

And there's an Athenian omelet.

The--

- Hello. Take your order?
- Hello.

- Yes.
- What shall I get you?

- Okay.
- Do you have sis-- some tzatziki?

- Yeah, we do.
- Oh!

- It's a Greek diner.
- For the table. Tzatziki for the table.

- No--
- No, not for the table.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Um... uh... What... So...

I wanna be clear.

Harper, you still... Harper's still Dad.

Harper's still Dad, still Pop.

- Pop.
- Pop.

But pronouns, she.

- She.
- Yeah.

Harper's still Dad because she said
she was Dad, you know?

How... how did you give the news?
Did you guys all get together?

- No.
- No, email.

- Just like you.
- Oh.

I was at Popeyes.
I was picking up my biscuit.

- Right.
- And I go, "Holy shit."

- Holy shit.
-"I gotta pull over for this."

I mean, when the divorce happened,
we kind of knew a little bit.

We got that note about... from Harper
about how we might find women's clothes.

She was wearing women's clothes.
I was like, "Okay."

And then after that, we got the full,
you know, "I'm using she/her pronouns."

- Yeah.
- So it felt gradual to me.

It didn't feel like a shock.

For the most part,

you guys just took it in stride.
Or was it--

- It was easy to accept immediately.
- Right.

But, um, for me,

I think I had a moment of, like, um...

My dad was
my only sort of masculine representation,

and so I sort of idolized that
in a weird way.

Still my dad, but I think, for me,

the only thing I lost
was that masculine figure,

but you don't really need it.

- Food is here!
- Gorgeous.

- You're gonna love it.
- You called it.

- And tza-tza-tza-tza...
- Yes. Everyone, get your own.

- Yes! Tza... Yeah, tza-tza-tza...
- Tzatziki!

- Aah.
- You guys know what we're doing?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Are you guys worried about me
on this trip at all?

I think I'm more worried
about your mental health.

I'm more worried
about your physical safety.

- Yeah.
- Like...

But also, the things you love scare me
sometimes. Being in the middle of nowhere.

- Yeah.
- Especially--

I'm actually learning to be
a little more afraid of that stuff.

After this transition, it's scary.

I'll be honest, I wrestle with, like,
"Why am I doing this?"

And, um, at first, I was like,
"I'm not gonna do it."

And then I just started to think about,

like, well, coming out
was really hard for me,

and, um, it may be... stupid,

but I felt like that might be a good way
for me to come out more, basically.

- Yeah.
- Like...

Does it help to know I take jujitsu?

- Yeah.
- Twice a month.

Could you demonstrate something
or send a video?

'Cause I... I... I don't see it,

but I could... I guess I could see it, but...

I usually don't like to do my practice
on a full stomach.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

All right. Well...

Yeah. Uh...

Yeah, we gotta get going, but I really--

I could talk to you guys
on the phone tomorrow.

- Yeah, sure.
- All right, yeah.

- I love you.
- I love you. Bye.

- I love you too.
- Hey.

- I love you.
- I love you so much.

- By the way, for the record...
- Yeah, for the record.

I'm very excited
to be on this trip with you.

- Oh good. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Let me ask you this.
- Yeah.

Saturday Night Live.

- Oh yeah.
- Right?

Back to where it all started,
where we first met.

- Have you been back in the buil--
- No.

Wow!

By the way, when we see Lorne,
let's both hug him, like, way too long.

You can do that.

- You can do it too.
- Okay, all right.

Oh!

- Oh, NBC Studios. Here we are.
- Oh, look at this.

Oh my goodness.

Enter if you dare.

♪ Boogum now, baby
You're casting your spell on me... ♪

Bing!

- Look at that fresh face.
- Look at that handsome young--

Yeah, what happened?

- One of the great Harper Steele creations.
- Mm.

- "Oops, I Crapped My Pants."
- Oh shit.

We're gonna do this.
We'll do this.

Yeah.

- Okay, we're gonna do a group hug.
- Okay, sure.

♪ ...that I am crazy 'bout you? ♪

♪ Now go on now with your bad self... ♪

My office was right down there
when I had the windows.

And all the girls, Maya and Amy,

were in here.

♪ Now mercy, mercy on me, all right... ♪

Yeah, this was a terrifying room.

Although I guess if you were in here
between dress and air as a writer,

this was... actually meant
that your sketch got on, so...

- Right.
- So that was a good thing.

I'm Will Ferrell,

and, uh, this will be, uh, the voice
of the Chicago Cubs, Mr. Harry Caray.

That first week,
we went downstairs to lunch.

And there was
just something about the two of us

where we were
kind of on the same wavelength

in a lot of different ways--

I do remember
I was trying to get to know everyone.

And there was a group of people
looking at me or like,

"We don't get what this guy does.
He doesn't seem that funny."

They all thought
Will Ferrell was a dud.

But, you know, I just...

I knew that Will was not the dud.

You were just an ambassador for me

to be like, "No, don't write him off.
He's actually really funny."

Last read-through.

Lots of food, lots of scripts.

We've been around each other

in a lot of circumstances
that are very strange.

My whole writing career,
my whole creative life,

I performed as a character named Andrew.
That's the way I think about it, at least.

And so coming out to my friends
was especially hard.

And I really can't tell
if they think I'm Harper.

I think they might think
that I'm still Andrew,

and now I wear dresses.

- Tina! Oh my goodness. Thank you.
- Yay!

- Nice to see you!
- Oh my God.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Uh, thank you,
everyone, for coming.

This is very heartening for me. I...

When I came out,
all of you responded. Everyone--

Tim was a little negative. But--

I thought she was joking at first.

- I fucking... I love him.
-"She's joking. This is not fucking real."

I'm gonna send
the most racist, sexist jokes back to her

and see what she says.

- Hey, cheers.
- Yes.

- Here's to Harper!
- Thank you!

Thank... thank you.

So you... you're driving.
You're driving for how long, where?

Okay, we're gonna drive down to D.C.,

and then
we're gonna cut down to Indianapolis.

- We're gonna go see a Pacers game.
- Wow.

Then we're gonna go to Iowa City,

where I was raised.

Do you have family there?

My sister.
We're gonna walk through the old house.

And then...

Oklahoma, maybe?

We're going to
the stock car race in Oklahoma.

What are you most
looking forward to on this trip?

Here's the thing.

- Will proposed the idea...
- Yeah.

...knowing that my transition might change

the way I navigate the country,
which is true.

- That is true.
- Absolutely true.

- I fear it. I do fear it.
- Sure.

Um, Will knows that I like shitty bars,
I like truck stops.

- I like the lowest, worst places.
- Mm-hmm.

Yes!

I walked down an alley
a couple... a couple weeks ago,

and I was like, "Nope, I don't like this."

- Don't do that...
- Not safe for you anymore.

- Yeah.
- When is it safe to walk down an alley?

No one's ever asked a you
for the list of your places.

If anyone goes somewhere
where you've been,

no one said, "Ooh, I'd love your list."

"What corners have
the best dumpsters of found furniture?"

And I have that list.

Will will be in the car.

I'm a narcoleptic,
and I'm not a good driver.

♪ Say look-a-here, mister ♪

♪ I need a place to stay tonight... ♪

♪ A hotel room is fine... ♪

- How are you feeling?
- Good.

All right, fine.
Well, there's no turning back now, so...

Oh, okay. Oh jeez.

♪ I'm only passing through, mister ♪

♪ There's a long road ahead ♪

♪ I got a lot to leave behind ♪

♪ That's the gospel truth, mister... ♪

- Okay, so here's a question.
- Okay. Oh, okay.

I'm curious
how you settled on your name.

Yeah. So my dead name's Andrew.

- I was Andrew, you know.
- Yeah.

Um...

And... So my first impulse
was to make it easy on everyone else.

You know? Like, this...

I'm... I'm... I'm like, "Hey, I'm... Hey,
there's nothing weird going on over here."

-"So I'm just changing--"
-"Nothing to see."

"Nothing to see.
I'm just gonna change Andrew to Angie."

-"You guys, that's pretty easy."
- Yeah.

And then I was driving down
to my first electrolysis thing,

and I was saying the name in my head,

and it just sounded like
wet cardboard to me.

- Yeah.
- It sounded like, "Ugh. This is wrong."

So I started trying to,
like, imagine other names.

Like, I mean, I was thinking Chandelier.

And then I go,
"Harper. You love the name Harper."

My mother went to school with Harper Lee,

the person, the woman
who wrote To Kill a Mockingbird.

- Right.
- When I said it, my whole body felt warm.

- Wow.
- And I was like--

- You literally had a visceral reaction.
- I did. I said it out loud.

I was saying them out loud.
I said, "Harper."

And I was like, "Ooh, wow. That...
That's it. That's what it's gonna be."

- Gosh.
- And that was it.

Yeah, if you had to change your name,
what would you do?

I hated my name growing up.

My real name is John William.

- But my folks called me Will.
- Yeah.

And I remember in first grade,

there were six or seven kids
who either had the name Mike or Steve.

Oh, okay.

And I just was like, "Please."

-"Why can't I be a Mike or a Steve?"
-"Or a Steve."

- Those names were cool and tough.
-"Why do I have this weird name?"

- And hard. Yeah. I would--
- Like Steve.

"What's up, Steve?"

- Yeah.
- And Mike.

I'm gonna take this time
to thank you

for letting us visit the nation's capital.

One of my favorite cities.

- I'm not a big D.C. person.
- Oh, you don't love American history?

Oh shit. Come on.

- I just think D.C. is a little boring.
- We're gonna change that.

I wanna show you
something that's very special.

Okay.

- It's right here.
- Uh-huh. Parking lot?

The reflecting pool.

- Oh, there's no water in it.
- There's some water.

Right down here.

Magnificent, right?

Ooh, I'm nervous.

Yeah, me too.

The next 15 minutes, we could be
talking with President Joe Biden.

- How do you think we're getting in there?
- 'Cause of this.

- The moneymaker.
- Yeah.

Is the president in there?
We just wanna say hi to the president.

Hey! Joe!

No, no, he's not there.

You know, for years,
I crossed this country in a dress,

but I never let anyone see me.

So if I had to get out and get gas,

there's this furtive,
and embarrassing, and hurried attempt

to throw on
a pair of overalls or something.

- And look like a guy and--
- Yeah.

I used to bring
an emergency set of clothes with me.

The fear of having a cop pull me over
for a speeding ticket...

...and be dressed as a woman was...

- It was horrible.
- Right.

Now...

...going out into the world just as me,

without any chance
of going stealth as Andrew again,

I will see the country that I love
as myself, which I've never done.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna take a second
here to look through some old journals.

Okay.

Whoa, look at your journals.

When did you start journaling?

It wasn't till I felt
my life was kind of falling apart.

And this one, uh,
it's called "Journal Number One."

It's called
"Unmentionables and Other Private Stuff."

Why did you type it
instead of longhand?

I did it
because I wanted to just put it down.

- Bad writing and all. Mistakes.
- Yeah.

- Run-ons.
- All kinds of mistakes, yeah.

- Stream of consciousness, yeah.
- This one's about my therapist.

"My therapist today
batted down my silly notion

that I might be a girl instead of a boy."

- Wow.
-"She's not buying it."

"At one point,
she said I was living in fantasy."

Wow.

"The weird feelings
of sickness and dread I described to her

while I'm dressed in my male clothes
didn't make any sense to her."

"She needed me to describe the feelings
to her, which I couldn't."

"She seemed to think
dressing up like a woman

has a lot of defiance and anger in it."

"She's got a theory."

"I, on the other hand,
am losing faith in theories."

- Let's see. That's seven years ago.
- Wow.

- I'll get snacks. You get chairs.
- All righty.

You got us a lot of stuff.

Well, we're on the road, buddy.
Pringles. You like Pringles?

- I do. I love Pringles.
- I didn't know which Pringles you liked.

You ready for this one? Fuego.

Okay.

- I am not having Fuego Pringles.
- Yeah, you are. Yeah. Yeah, you are.

Oh, Scorchin' BBQ.

- Oh, part of the Scorchin' line.
- That's-- Oh yeah. The whole Sco--

We've gotta ration these.

'Cause we may never
run into another Walmart.

'Cause in case
we have a... a flat tire,

we gotta ration.

Yeah, exactly.

Uh, I was gonna ask you
'cause I was thinking about it. Um...

Were you a little worried about
how to talk to me when I came out to you?

Sometimes, I think
that... people who aren't trans,

I think they're sometimes afraid
to say the wrong thing around me.

- That's what I'm getting at.
- Yeah.

And I didn't know when I first saw you,

and I was just curious
if there was anything there that--

I probably was...

um...

- Yeah, probably a little nervous.
- Okay.

- In the sense--
- I mean, I was nervous.

- I'm in a dress.
- Yes.

It's like... That was terrifying.

Yeah, I... I... I guess I was...
I was worried about what... If there...

What the new ground rules were.

- Okay, yeah.
- If there were any.

- Yeah.
- Uh, if it was... um...

You know.

Yeah, just how much
had quote/unquote changed,

or was the same or what, you know.

Yeah, that's a difficult one,
the changing and the sameness and--

There are no ground rules with friends,
I'm telling you.

That's what I need you to know.

- But that's what--
- Yeah.

- You immediately put me at ease.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I don't... Well, 'cause I...
'cause I know there's no ill intention.

So whatever you say,
I could not possibly be angry.

- Yeah.
- Um...

What else did I get here, buddy?
I got more Pringles.

Philly Cheesesteak.

- Man! You're the man!
- What about the woman?

What about the woman?

- You're still the woman.
- Yes! Still the woman! Yeah!

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

Oh, there she goes. Gah!

- She's back in business.
- Back in business, oh yeah.

Is there some reason

why we're not stopping
at greasy diners every morning?

- I don't know.
- It's my favorite kind of restaurant.

The mecca. We are in the mecca.

Hey there.

- Hi, how are you? Thank you.
- Sit wherever you like.

Kimberly, you like it all?

- Our best one is, we got the All-Star.
- Yeah.

- Done deal. That's what I'm getting.
- Two eggs, wheat, white, raisin toast.

Bacon, ham, or sausage.
You get a waffle or a biscuit and gravy.

- Two of those.
- Absolutely.

- Wait.
- No, no, no, no, I'm just kidding.

And how about you, sir?

- Ma'am.
- Ma'am.

- Ma'am. I am so sorry.
- That's okay.

Ah, but that's quite all right.
I'm gonna get the, um, All-Star Special.

All right. Thank you very much.
And I'll take your menus.

- You're welcome.
- Great.

Yeah.

I have an order.

I don't like being misgendered that much,
but what can I do, pal?

- It's, uh...
- You know what?

It's gonna ha-- I mean--

It is gonna happen.
You know what you should do?

You should go, "What do you want,
little lady who's a woman?"

- Huh. "And for the little lady."
- "Now for the little lady--"

- You don't have to.
- The little lady.

- Who has wheat?
- Uh, I got the white.

- I got the wheat.
- Wheat? There you go.

You excited for the game tonight,
by the way?

I'm excited. But I'll be honest.

Walking through all those bros
in a bro-ey environment

has been my hardest part of my--

- Right.
- My, um, transition.

I was that person.
I went to basketball games.

- I know... I know the culture.
- Right.

And I'm gonna go back in that culture,

and there's a lot of that still in me
that does not like what's happening.

- Yeah.
- And I'm not totally comfortable with it.

- Here we go.
- Here we go.

When I walk
into that basketball stadium...

- You look fantastic.
- Oh, thank you.

- I love the jacket.
- I worked on it.

...I am a woman,
and that's how I need to be seen.

But I'm not sure...
It's just they may not see me that way.

This is an odd thing to say.

- I may not see myself that way.
- Mm-hmm.

But you sort of running point

makes this a fuck of a lot easier
than if I was just alone,

and I gotta keep that in mind
throughout this trip.

'Cause, obviously,
I'm getting a little free pass here,

but I'm not saying
it's not gonna be difficult.

I gotta tell you,
we've been to a lot of Laker games.

Yeah.

I've never seen Jack Nicholson,
I've never seen Leonardo DiCaprio,

I've never seen Vince Vaughn
at a basketball game

sitting next to their trans friend.

- Right.
- I've just never seen it myself.

Yo!

It's so complicated
because I used sports all the time

to let people know that I was not a woman.

I mean, not that women can't like sports,
but I was trying to... you know...

- Yeah, try-- You were always-- Yeah.
- I was trying to be that guy.

By doing that all the time,

I did learn a lot about sports,

and I do kind of like it.

Oh!

- Yeah!
- Yes!

Wow.

All right, Pacer fans,
I need you to cheer.

I got a special guest.

Let me hear you, Pacer fans!

What do we think of the Sixers?

What do we think of the Pacers?

Sixers!

Pacers!

I wanna thank you, Indianapolis.
I'm here with my friend Harper Steele.

- She just transitioned.
- Wait, we're off. We're off.

We're off.

Indy, you've showed us nothing but love.

- We're off.
- Thank you!

Woo-hoo!

Great to see Will Ferrell here.

Uh, there's the governor.

Just over there,
kinda trying to get him off the court

so we can start the game.

So you're working your way across
the country? How do you end up here?

Harper and I
have known each other for 30 years,

and we're, uh,
we're going across the country.

- To basketball field houses or anything?
- No, this was just--

This is our first
professional sporting event

since Harper's transition.

So the Pacers were nice enough
to allow us access.

Pacers have the ball
to start the quarter up one.

Oh man, it's started.

Wait, was that the governor of this state?

Mm-hmm.

What's his name?

Eric Holcomb.

- Holcomb?
- Yep.

Where do you see that?

We start
with breaking news out of Indianapolis

as Indiana Governor Eric Holcomb
signs a bill

banning all gender-affirming care
for minors...

A number of bills relating
to health care, access to bathrooms...

More than 70 LGBTQ bills
have been filed in the Texas legislature.

...makes Kansas the 20th state...

North Dakota's governor
signed a bill into law...

...provide a legal definition
of sex across the Tennessee code.

...law would
"preserve biological sex as a distinct..."

Transgenderism must be
eradicated from public life entirely.

- Here's where I dropped the ball.
- Oh, okay.

I obviously didn't anticipate
meeting the governor of Indiana.

Oh, yeah.

- And I... He asked what we were doing.
- Right.

And we told him,
and he seemed... he seemed to---

- Okay with that.
- Be, "Oh, great."

And I... I wish I had
the wherewithal to go, like,

"What's your stance on trans people?"

Or "What's..."

I actually didn't know
he was the governor,

and then, later in the conversation,
someone said something--

And I did. I heard, like,
"I want you to meet the governor."

- Oh!
- And I'm like, "Oh."

This must happen to you a lot.

The photo you don't wanna be in.

Yeah.

- I don't get that very often.
- Right.

And someone comes in, and there's
someone down there on the floor snapping.

"This person's with Will Ferrell."

But then I'm in this photo
with this governor,

and I don't know his politics.

- Right.
- And, uh, I mean...

- That was the thing. That was...
- No--

That was my negative take--

That was the one place
where I was like, "I should've..."

Just to see what he happened to say.

Yeah.

So walking into that arena...

Yeah.

- 20,000 people, right?
- Yeah.

How did that feel?

I know that all of this
is going to make it easier for me

to walk into these kind of places later.

I did it. It's done.

I'm sort of looking for some of that
a little bit more on this trip.

Like, I'm gonna have to peel off
a few times and just--

- Sure.
- So I can feel what it feels like.

By yourself, right?

- Yeah, of course.
- Yeah.

It's fascinating to me.

There's so many trans people out here
all around the country,

living their lives in these places.

Yeah.

To me,

connecting with more people like that
would be something I would like to do.

Oh, we're heading to Peoria.

There's, uh, a woman there
we're gonna meet named Dana Garber,

who, um, transitioned later in life,

and she has been deeply involved
in the trans community in Peoria,

which is fascinating to me

because I did not know...

Of course.

...any trans people growing up.

Yeah.

Thanks for having us
in your city, in Peoria.

Yeah.

Are you from here originally?

- Yeah, this is Pekin right here.
- Okay.

And I've been here my whole life.

- Oh wow.
- Yep.

Did you transition like me?

Ki-- I'm 61. So...

- And I'm 65.
- Okay.

I started... I came out to my family
when I was 55.

Okay. Wow. Okay, so it's--

- So very similar to Harper.
- Yeah.

I know from my own experience,
but I'm gonna guess that was really tough.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yes. So I knew a long time ago
that, you know,

that I should have been a girl.

On my first day of kindergarten,

I walked in and I sat down with the girls.

So the teacher's talking about
class rules, you know.

- Yeah.
- So she took us to potty.

And I got in the girls' line.

She grabbed me by the hand
and said, "No, baby."

"You gotta go in the boys' line.
You're a boy."

And everybody started making fun of me.

So I got, like, a panic attack,

and I went in the bathroom,
threw up and everything.

And the teacher came in there,
like, "Are you sick?"

And she called my mom,
and my mom came and got me.

And I... I told her what had happened.
And she said, "Honey, you're a boy."

"You can't go in there with the girls.
You got different body parts and stuff."

- And I didn't know that, you know?
- Right.

It wasn't about body parts.

You know,
it was about who I am in here, so...

You know, it's like,
what was wrong with me, you know?

I used to pray to Jesus
every night when I was in grade school,

you know, fix me or kill me,
one or the other, you know?

- It was horrible.
- Yeah.

It was like,
"Why am I like this?" You know?

Got in a really bad place mentally,
and I got pretty suicidal for a while.

- Yeah.
- And I thought the only way...

I thought,
"I don't really wanna die," you know,

"but I don't
wanna go on like this either."

So that's when I started counseling,

and my counselor was really awesome.

She's more like, "If you wanna do this,
then try it," you know?

Because I wasn't living
my auth... authenticity, you know? So...

Yeah.

Um... Now, my experience was that I had a...
kind of not a good therapist.

- You know how that works sometimes.
- Yeah.

And, uh, much later,

I got a... a better-- A gender therapist,

and we kept talking.

And it was still a year,
but once I got to...

my est... my first estrogen pill...

This is silly to me.

I'm sure any person...

But that first estrogen pill
is like, "Ta-da!"

"Magic! Ah, this is
the most amazing feeling."

- You're not feeling anything for months.
- Wow.

But I just like...
mentally, I was just like... like,

"Why did I wait so long?
I love this." You know?

- Me too.
- Yeah.

Have you faced hate
in this community at times, or--

I think I've had a few incidents.

My voice gets me misgendered a lot,
and I just--

- I hate-- I hate the voice.
- You hate your voice.

- I really do like passing.
- Yeah.

And I would love to pass.
I just... The voice was killing me.

I don't really want
this low, male voice, you know?

I... I did that, too, for a while, you know.

- I went to this vocal therapy course.
- Yeah.

Sat down one night,
and I'm really thinking,

was I doing this for me
or for society, you know?

Wow, right, right.

And I... No, I'm doing it
for everybody else but me.

This is my voice, you know?

A lot of transitioning
is learning to accept yourself, I think.

Hey, I just wanna point out

that this is... basically
the first time I've ever done this.

- I can't sing.
- That doesn't matter!

- I don't think it matters.
- Okay.

- How about Sonny and Cher? How about--
- Whoo!

You... you wanna take this?

- I got this.
- You got the first line.

♪ They say we're young
And we don't know ♪

Whoo!

- ♪ We won't find out until we grow ♪
- ♪ Grow ♪

Yeah! Whoo-whoo-whoo!

- ♪ I don't know... all true ♪
- ♪ Well, I don't know if it's all true ♪

♪ 'Cause I got you ♪

- ♪ And, baby, I got you ♪
- ♪ I got you ♪

Whoo!

♪ Babe ♪

♪ I got you, babe ♪

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

♪ I got you, babe ♪

♪ They say our love
Won't pay the rent ♪

♪ Before it's earned
Our money's all been spent... ♪

- That singing last night.
- On the mic, you were good.

Oh, no, I can take hold of a mic.

- But I've never seen you that way before.
- It was amazing for me.

Do you think we need... This could be fun.

Yeah, okay.

...like, a theme song for this road trip?

Oh!

- We could call someone.
- Who are you thinking?

Fred Armisen comes to mind, right?

- Fred.
- Fred.

Let me think who else that we know
that writes good songs.

- Uh, uh, Forte?
- Oh yeah, Will Forte.

♪ Have you ever had a Mexican location
Sitting right on your face? ♪

- Incredibly musical. Very--
- Of course, yeah.

- Molly.
- Molly Shannon.

♪ Isn't it romantic? Well! ♪

- What about Wiig?
- Kristen Wiig.

♪ ...party with the best of them ♪

♪ And I'm gonna go down to the river ♪

Okay, calling Wiig.

Uh-huh.

W--

- Hi, Wiig.
- Hello, Kristen.

- Hi! Oh my gosh!
- Hi.

Look at you, guys. What's up?

We... we're trying to think of a theme song.

- Oh, okay.
- So...

And we thought you're one of our friends,

who's so talented in so many ways,

that you would be able
to come up with a theme song.

I-- Yes. Do you just--

We want it to be sort of...

- Oh, no, we've thought about it.
- Fun friends on the road?

- Friends on the road, for sure.
- Friends on the road.

Harper and Will and stuff like that.

I want it to be kind of jazzy.

- I want it to be jazzy.
- Oh.

- With an up tempo.
- Yeah.

- But not too up.
- No. And it also needs a little--

- Let me write this down.
- Yeah.

But then it's gotta stop you
in your tracks and make you think.

- Very sad.
- Maybe bring a tear to your eye.

Yeah, it should bring a tear
to your eye too. Yeah, do that.

And a little twang like some country
'cause we're in the middle of the country.

- So up-tempo jazz.
- Jazzy.

- Jazz.
- Fun.

- Fun, but it's gotta make you cry.
- You gotta cry.

Yeah, you gotta cry.

- Tear to your eye, fun.
- Jazzy.

- Jazzy. Don't forget jazzy.
- With a little country.

With a little country.

- Yeah, please don't forget jazzy.
- Okay.

- Uh, thank you so much.
- Love you.

It's good to see you. I'm gonna--

- Yeah, I mean, just take your time.
- Yeah.

But anytime in the next couple days
or something, I don't know.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye, buddy.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I think she got it.

- Yeah, that's good. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yup.

♪ I'm going up the country ♪

♪ Baby, don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ I'm going up the country ♪

♪ Baby, don't you wanna go? ♪

♪ I'm going to some place
Where I've never been before ♪

♪ I'm going, I'm going
Where the water tastes... ♪

Here's a question.

Do you think
you're a worse driver as a female driver?

- That's the dumbest-- that's so--
- Whoo!

- No. No, no. That is so-- Oh, fuck you.
- Whoo!

- Zing! Whoo!
- But I am.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- Hey.
- How's it going today?

Do you recognize this guy?
He's a-- This is a Hollywood movie star.

Huh? No.

- Don't you recognize him? He's in movies.
- That's okay. Roll up the window.

Oh shit. This is my sister.
I better get this one.

Okay.

Uh, hi, Eleanor.

I'm gonna put you on speaker
so Will can ask you some questions.

- Okay.
- Eleanor, I don't wanna impose.

- Are you sure it's okay if I stay?
- Oh my God, of course it's okay.

Do you have... do you have
a humidifier set up in my room?

- I would-- Don't listen to your sister.
- No, don't indulge--

- Don't indulge him.
- Oh!

Will's sleeping
on the couch for that.

What products do you have
in your guest bathroom?

Stop!

Tell Will I'll put
my Chanel face cream down there.

- Oh.
- Thank you. Yes.

- I'm feeling it.
- I can tell.

I'm getting closer to Iowa City,
and I am feeling it.

This is the home turf.
You're excited.

Oh my goodness.

Fantastic. I love it.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Huh?

- Good to see you.
- This is my friend Will Ferrell.

- Hi, Will.
- How are you?

Oh, should this be a housewarming gift?

Oh, thank you.

- Do you like Pringles?
- I love Pringles.

All right, just around the corner.

Okay.
Bathroom in there, by the way.

- Thank you. This is great.
- Yeah.

Eleanor, what was your reaction
when you got the news?

I was totally surprised.

Um...

And I think my reaction was... sorrow.

Uh-huh.

And the reason I felt sorrow

was I thought about how much pain
Harper must have suffered over the years.

And also knowing, like, immediately

how stressful that moment was
of coming out.

And so the most important thing to me
was not to be so careful in my response

but to respond quickly.

You did.

So she knew
it's not something I need to think about.

- I'll talk to you more later.
- Yeah.

I think what you said,
which was so... heartening...

...was, "Oh good.
I've always wanted a sister."

- I did say that, yeah.
- That's what you said.

Pow. Just like that.

I was gonna tell a funny story,
though, because I always think of this.

I think it was around eighth grade.

Eleanor gave me a pair of her bell-bottoms
that she didn't want anymore,

and they were white, frilly bell-bottoms.

And once I got 'em,
they were my favorite article of clothing.

I wore them all around. I loved them.

And I went to the skate park
with my skate friends.

- Yeah.
- Uh...

And we skated around that night,
and I was feeling good in my white--

- In your white bell-bottoms.
- My bell-bottoms.

And, uh, I come out of that skate park,
and it's like, uh...

"Hey, we gotta come back next week.
They're doing it again next week."

And someone goes,
"Yeah, but don't bring those faggy pants."

Oh.

And, uh, the pants disappeared
right at that moment.

There's no part of you that was like,
"Shut up. These pants are cool."

So many times in my life, some,
probably, effort for Harper to get out

was just squashed.

- Yeah.
- Over and over again.

And I just remember that one
kind of clearly. So...

Uh, Eleanor,
you haven't touched your Pringles.

- Sour cream and onion.
- Oh, I totally forgot.

Are you familiar with their Scorched line?

- I'm not.
- Yeah.

- That might be too much for me, yeah.
- I think so.

- Oh, why thank you.
- Mm.

- Oh, a little taste of--
- Oh.

Oh. Don't-- Oh!

Mm.

And where did these come from?

We got them at a Walmart.
It was in Indianapolis.

They taste different.
You can tell they're from Indiana.

Oh yeah, definitely.

♪ I wanna hold the hand inside... ♪

See what we got here. That's...

Think my mother collected all those.

Wow.

♪ I wanna take a breath and... ♪

These are little school photos of

cute Harper Steele when she was confused.

And this is probably around the age

where I started to feel
just kind of weird.

Yeah.

And, uh...
you just start to think to yourself

that, uh, everyone feels the same way.

So you're just kind of quiet...

...about the whole deal.
It's like, "We all feel that way, right?"

Every time I see
a picture like this of me...

I mean, here I am in the newspaper.
I used to ride a unicycle.

I... I rode all over town,
Iowa City, on... on the unicycle.

I love this photo. This is, uh...

Whenever I see myself
as a little girl.

I swear to God, I love this photo.

Yeah.

Darn it.

♪ Fade into you ♪

♪ Strange you never knew... ♪

Yeah, this is it.

This is the house that I grew up in.

I used to skateboard. Did all
my early skateboarding tricks out here.

- I used to do my pole-vaulting this side.
- Down this, like...

Yeah, we had this--
I had-- My mother built a little--

Uh, she helped me build
a pole-vaulting mat

out of a bunch of potato sacks and--

- So you'd run down that way.
- Yeah. Choo.

And then--
But in the backyard was where...

- The puck was. Yeah.
- Okay.

And I'd smack it, and I'd--
You know, seven feet.

What was I gonna do all summer,
play with other people?

No, I pole-vaulted.

I came home from City High one day,
and I was just kinda bored.

So I started acting like I was drunk
on the way home.

And-- Oh, I could ride that.

Hey, can I ride that?

Do you mind if she borrows your unicycle
just for a second?

What?

Could she just ride your unicycle
for a second?

Why?

- She knows how to ride one.
- Sure.

- Yeah, thanks.
- Oh, that's awesome.

I'm in heels,
so it might be a little hard.

- What's your name?
- My name's Quinn. Yours?

- That's Will Ferrell.
- Cool.

I like to have this up here,
so when I fall, it's gonna be good.

She was bragging
about being able to ride a unicycle.

Is that your mode of transportation,
pretty much?

This was my mode of transportation
in junior high.

- Give me a second.
- Yeah.

- I'll stand--
- It's been many years, okay?

- All right.
- Once you're on though...

- Whoa!
- Once you're on.

There we go.

Here we go. Oh boy.

Oh my God.

No, no, no.

It's so... it's so unstable.

I spent so many long--
I lived on this thing for years.

- ♪ La-di-da, on Sunday afternoon ♪
- Okay, good. Here we go. Goddamn.

- ♪ In Iowa City ♪
- Okay, there we go.

- Hey, Harper. Good to see you.
- Hey, Will. How you doing?

Bye.

Whoa.

- Oh!
- Thanks for letting us borrow.

Yeah. Well, have a good day.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

- Anyway--
- I'm blown away.

- That's what I did.
- Wow.

I'd go to junior high
like that every day for two years.

- Man, that's weird.
- I know.

Very weird.

- Well, thanks, Eleanor.
- All right.

- You're good on Pringles, right?
- I still have some.

- Okay.
- Yeah. Thank you though.

- All right.
- I enjoyed 'em.

♪ "Come in," she said, "I'll give ya" ♪

♪ "Shelter from the storm..." ♪

Look at it.

- Look at the snow!
- I know.

Does this technically count as a blizzard?

- No, this is nothing like a blizzard.
- Okay.

No, no, this is light snow.

- These flakes seem big.
- No, this is a light flurry.

♪ If I pass this way again ♪

♪ You can rest assured ♪

♪ I'll always do... ♪

- Oh.
- It is a blizzard.

It's beginning to look
a little less like a flurry.

- Maybe I'll give you that.
- See, I called it.

♪ "Come in," she said, "I'll give ya" ♪

♪ "Shelter from the storm" ♪

So I was so curious.

Just... I don't know, I just thought--
I... I... I never asked you, like...

Okay, go.

- Go.
- How... how are your boobs?

- As if--
- Now you got boobs.

I love my boobs.

When you woke up from that s-- Was it--

I like to think it was like...

Was it just like the heavens
were sing... in a way?

I joke that I did puberty
in about four hours.

But... as soon as I woke up,

I was like,

"This is amazing."

Yeah.

Every time I've done something that's
made me feel better in my own body--

- Yeah.
- For myself--

- It's amazing.
- There's-- It... it... it... it's been...

- Exhilarating. Yeah.
- Yeah. Guns a-blazing.

- Yup. That's great.
- So...

- So that was my experience with the boobs.
- Okay. What-- Okay.

So this... this is a big one,

but... but maybe, you know,
maybe we save this for later.

You are a friend of mine.

I invite any friend of mine
to ask me these questions.

I am not afraid to talk about it.

Do you foresee wanting to have
other physical augmentation?

- Possibly.
- In the future.

When I first started
thinking about transitioning,

in terms of bottom surgery,

I was like, "Well, I'm 61."

"I'm not gonna be a--"

"I'm not out there
with a super active sexual life, really."

Yeah.

- But there's also the dysphoric side.
- Yeah.

Looking in a mirror and seeing something
that doesn't fit with how I feel.

- So...
- Yeah.

- I don't know.
- Yeah.

- That's a tough one to answer.
- Right.

But, uh... Was there
any more boob questions you needed?

- No, but I did wanna ask, however--
- Okay.

Have you been to the--

have you been in Nordstrom's Rack
since you've gotten your own rack?

- Very good. Very-- Very good.
- Ha-ha!

And Will Ferrell wins
the Best Joke of the Year award.

Thank you. I knew as soon as I said it,
I got Best Joke of the Year.

I hate analyzing comedy
because it kinda ruins it.

- In this case, it won't.
- You gotta break it down.

- You do--
- You gotta.

-"Harper, What exactly did he do there?"
- But let me explain how he got there.

Will started with,

"When you got your new rack."

The connection is, "Did you go..."

"...to Nordstrom?"

Ah!

- God. Wow.
- And the two racks, different racks.

One of them's different,
but they're the same rack.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Seen any famous people today?

- No.
- Okay.

Just you.

- Yeah! Whoo!
- Yeah!

- Fireworks...
- Fireworks world!

- This is gigantic.
- Oh my God.

- Holy Nishiki!
- I want something dangerous.

Ooh, Gator Gun.

Yeah, that's it.
Honey Badger. It's the Honey Badger.

- Set it down.
- Yep.

Pull the fuse,
or pull the sticker off the fuse.

- You're gonna light that, then run away.
- Light, and book.

How many clean undies do you have left?

I'm getting down to the...

- Nitty-gritty?
- Yup, yup.

So...
we're heading to Meeker, Oklahoma.

Uh-huh.

And this is in the category
of places you would have visited

and not thought twice about.

And so what are you feeling?
What are you thinking?

I'm nervous and anxious, like...

You know I love these kind of places.

You know that I spent my life
driving back and forth across the country,

going to little towns like this,

stopping in bars,
drinking, meeting people.

But I just don't know if I can anymore.

Okay.

So you-- You're gonna call me
if... if it's feeling dicey.

I'm gonna-- You know what?

- I'm gonna put it on speed dial.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And you come running in.
- Yep.

With that mug of yours.

- I could go in with you right now.
- No.

I would feel better if that were the case,
but I just wanna try this thing.

I'm not gonna have an exper--
I won't be able to try this on my own.

- I might as well try it now.
- Yeah.

Oh...

- How you doing?
- Doin' well.

- How you doing?
- I'm doing good.

What's your name?

Dominique.

- Dominique. Harper Steele.
- Harper Steele.

What's going on?

Who are you?

My name's Harper. Who are you?

I'm Mama T.

You're Mama T?

- Oh yeah.
- All right. I heard about you.

Yeah.

I haven't heard about her.
Sorry about that.

- We's just messin' with you.
- Okay.

Y'all from Oklahoma?

No, no, no it's all right. I've been--

That's why I came in here.
I've been in a lot of bars in my life, so...

Trying to feel like if I can go back
to bars since I transitioned.

- That's the problem.
- Yeah.

Whoa.

- Oklahoma, thank you. Oh, thank you.
- Harper, where you from?

- I'm from, uh, Iowa.
- Iowa!

Yeah, Iowa, but I live in New York now.

- You're on the East Coast.
- I'm on the East Coast. Yeah.

How's that going for you guys?

Or gals.

I... I-- Thank you.

I like... I like, uh, Iowa more,
but I can't make any money there.

- So...
- Oh really?

Yeah, I write for TV.

I'm gonna text my friend.
He's parking the car out there.

- Hello?
- Hey.

Hey.

- Come on in.
- Okay.

Hey. Hi.

I want you to meet these guys.
These are my friends.

- Is this Will Ferrell?
- Yes, it is.

- For real?
- Yeah!

- This is my friend Harper.
- How you doin'?

- Nice to meet you, bro.
- Hey.

- Not a bro though.
- She.

- It's a she, but that's okay.
- Oh. Sorry.

That's all right.
You can try again.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

About a year and a half ago,
I transitioned.

And now Will wants to kind of go out
in the middle of the country with me.

- Oh my goodness. That's great.
- That's cool. Hey, it's...

I like your support for your friend.

No, that's amazing.
There's not a lot of that nowadays.

- You know?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got a lot of... friends...

Do you have a lot of trans friends?

- Not trans, but they are bi.
- I do.

- Yeah? You do?
- Oh yeah. Sure.

Sure.

Wait, Harper,
these are Native American--

- They want to sing us a... Yeah.
- Native America, here we go.

So here we go. Here's a little bit
of Oklahoma and Native America.

Yeah!

Whoo!

- Wow.
- Nice to meet you.

- Wow.
- Welcome to Oklahoma.

- That's beautiful.
- Welcome to Native America.

- Yeah, exactly.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow.

- Be safe. So nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- That was very--
- I tried to give you a bit of Oklahoma.

- That was very touching, buddy.
- Thank you.

- Enjoy your time here. Be safe.
- Thanks for comin'.

- Hey. Thanks for having us.
- Yup.

Have a good night.

♪ Let us be lovers
We'll marry our fortunes together ♪

♪ I've got some real estate
Here in my bag ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ So we bought a pack of cigarettes ♪

♪ And Mrs. Wagner pies ♪

♪ And we walked off to look for America... ♪

- Hey.
- I'm Travis Cobb.

- Hi, Travis. This is my friend Harper.
- How you doing?

- Harper, Travis.
- Nice to meet you.

I used to come out
to these kind of places before

when I was... still a guy.

And then I transitioned,
and I got a little afraid because...

- You know what I'm saying. So...
- Yeah. No, don't be afraid.

Yeah, okay.

- If you enjoy it, come out.
- All right, thank you.

- You know?
- Yeah.

- Don't worry about it. You know?
- No, I think that's... that's good to hear.

That's not how I felt. I keep hearing
on the news all this terrible stuff.

Are you happy?

Oh, I'm 100% happier. You bet I am.

Thank you.

Thanks, guys. Pleasure.

I'm a little bit in shock.
And that's not on them. That's on me.

I'm not really afraid of these people.

Yeah, right.

I'm afraid of hating myself.

Whoa.

And I'm like, "You are a freak.
What are you doing here?"

There's just-- That is sitting underneath.

And then...

Agh!

Yeah.

Oh boy.

God...

Yeah, it's okay. I just--

- It's okay.
- I don't even-- Oh my God.

Yeah.

Agh.

Thanks, buddy. Ooh.

December 2016.

"I know some mornings, like this one."

"I wake up without any connection
to the world,

positive that to connect with
a woman or a man,

I would have to lie and hide myself."

"That is very depressing."

"I dream of a world where I can lay
my vulnerabilities out there -

open for everyone
until they are my strengths."

"I am longing for this."

That's one of the things
I was gonna ask about

which we kind of haven't touched upon.

- I'm assuming you wanna start dating?
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- Right? And you wanna...

And you wanna go out
and go to the bar and pick up someone

or be picked up, that kind of encounter.

- I am a monogamous person.
- Yeah.

And I... I'm optimistic.

- Yeah.
- I'm 61.

But I would love to be
in a relationship again.

And are-- In your mind's eye,
are you interested in a trans woman?

- Uh...
- Sure.

- A man? Or... Yeah.
- Sure.

- Sure. Yeah, sure.
- Okay, yeah. Gotcha. Okay.

I mean, for me, it sounds corny,
but the type is the one that--

- It's a blank canvas at this point.
- Yeah.

And the one that I can wake up
in the morning, drink coffee in bed,

and talk about the stupid movie
we watched the night before.

- That's the main thing. Yeah.
- That's--

I really have to say,
I know that sounds corny.

But I am waiting
for that experience to happen.

And I'm 61,
so the clock's ticking.

State line. "Welcome to Texas."

Yeah. "Welcome to Texas."

♪ ...from Boston to St. Louis... ♪

Take one of me kind of sexy.

♪ I don't even know... ♪

Oh yeah!

♪ 'Cause I like my women... ♪

- On the count of three.
- Yeah.

Texas!

♪ So roll on, big wheels ♪

♪ Don't you roll so slow... ♪

Whoa!

- What?
-"Free 72-ounce steak."

That's the Big Texan.
Okay. We're gonna go there tonight.

Oh, you gotta eat it in one hour though.

- One hour?
- I think that's what it said.

You could do it.

I mean,
I don't know if I could do it,

but I know of
a certain Victorian-era detective

who would find it delicious.

No, no.

- Oh yeah.
- Oh boy.

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the world's greatest private investigator,
Sherlock Holmes.

Ricky Bobby!

Not Ricky Bobby, Sherlock Holmes.

- I packed this hoping--
- Yes.

- To get you at some point.
- And here it is.

- Oh boy!
- Hey! Hi, how are you?

- Blessed, brother.
- Nice to meet you.

How do you want me
to announce you?

- Sherlock Holmes from London, England.
- Yep.

- With his guest, Harper Steele.
- Harper Steele.

- Ms. Harper Steele.
- Miss Harper Steele?

- Ms.
- Yeah, Ms. Harper Steele.

Ms. Harper Steele. Done.

We have Sherlock Holmes
all the way from London, England,

with his guest, uh... Harper Steele,

Ms. Harper Steele. And he has
one hour to eat a 72-ounce steak.

Oh, can I get a beer?

I'm eating out of nervousness.

As much as I've been in a fishbowl
in various times in my life...

Yeah.

...this trumps all of it.

Last night was...

The room started to feel
very... wrong to me,

and, I mean, the crowds
that come around you so quickly.

I was feeling a little like

my transness was on display, I guess.

And suddenly,
that sort of made me feel... not great.

You know? Um...

Oh, the saddest part for me is, uh...

I just feel...

Oh boy.

Oh! Okay.

I feel like I let you down in that moment.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- You know?

And...

I was like, "Oh shit. I got--"

"We gotta worry
about Harper's safety."

You know? Like, what...

That's where I just--
I feel like I-- Yeah.

I was gonna read
some of the tweets we've been receiving

since we started this trip.
You wanna hear this one?

"Ah, very important

you have another gender bender
for the kids to see."

"It's so trendy and cool,
even Will Ferrell's doing it."

"It really sucks that Will Ferrell
shows up to his first Pacers game

with a trans woman."

"Who's that dude?"

Oh yeah, yeah. Here's a good one though.

"Will Ferrell stopped in Iowa City today."

"He and Ryan Reynolds are making
a road trip documentary

supporting trans kids and rights."

Ryan's--

I didn't realize
Ry... Ryan's a part of everything.

- Oh, here's one just about you.
- Okay.

- Wanna hear this one?
- Yes, please.

"Great,
a satanic Illuminati pedophile in Iowa."

And that's me?

Yeah. How do you feel about that?

It just feels ridiculous. I don't--
I have no emotional-- I mean...

That stuff, you can't underestimate
the damage that all that does.

When you're trans,
you ingest a lot of that shit,

and it sits in your head.

- Those tweets are in my head.
- Yeah.

When... when hatred is pointed
at me and trans people,

they're like, "You're not a woman."

"You'll never be a woman."

Okay, I... you know,
I am a trans woman. I'm fine with that.

- But I am feeling something, you know?
- Yeah.

And it's not unhealthy.

It's made me actually healthier
in many respects.

- Yeah, yeah.
- It saved my life, I think.

And I'm not joking about that.

Did you come really close
at any point to... to...

I know you had dark thoughts,
but suicidal though-- I mean, did you...

Was it that intense at times?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Yes, I, uh...
- Yeah.

I'm gonna say...
six years ago, maybe,

I went to the gun place,

and... [chuckles] ...the guy,

he asked me, uh,

"Is it for, uh, targets,
or is it for, uh, security?"

And I was like, "Oh," uh,
'cause I know nothing about guns.

- Me neither.
- Right, and I'm like, "Um..."

"Uh... well, yeah, maybe both."

"I'm in a kinda isolated house."
I'm trying to lie.

So I picked it up,
and I was looking at it,

and I was super scared.

- Golly.
- I walked out of there.

I was just like,
"Okay. I'm gonna come back."

"I'm gonna think about it."

Up until the moment,
really, I transitioned,

I didn't wanna have a gun around me.

- Because it could be an impulsive thing.
- Yeah.

Because there was definitely moments
where I thought, "I wish I had that gun."

But the moment I transitioned,

all I wanted to do was live.

- Oh.
- Just live.

Live and... and continue on the path...

Oh my God. I got this free gift.

...being really who you are.

- Yes.
- Wow.

This is already awesome.

I feel such a strong
Albuquerque connection with Harper

because I was here working on MacGruber

when we all first found out
that you were transitioning.

And it was here
exactly one year ago today.

I will say

part of me feels like I should have
made that decision 40 years ago,

but I wouldn't have met you guys.

I would not have gotten hired at--
started a comedy world, probably.

- I would have had a different life, so...
- Yeah.

Too many good things happened.

Ooh! Are you guys feeling
the same thing I'm feeling? A little--

- Yeah, it's pretty high.
- Wait. Hold on. Hold on.

What is it?

- You guys hear those dogs down there?
- Yeah, yeah, I do.

Yeah, do--

Quiet!

Shut your dog up!

Shut your damn dog up!

The neighborhood
is sick and tired of your dog!

Now more dogs are barking!

- Oh my goodness.
- Wow.

- Make a toast.
- It is an honor to be here.

I have so much respect for you
and the journey that you've gone on,

and I'm... I could not be more proud of you

and... and love, uh, love you very much.

- Thank you so much.
- To you. To both of you.

And here's to, uh,
a good rest of the journey.

I'm gonna really pop it.

Okay. All right.

♪ I'm a-drivin' this truck
On a mountain road ♪

♪ I got a hot rod rig
And I'm a-flyin' low ♪

♪ My eyes are filled with diesel smoke ♪

♪ Hairpin curves ain't no joke ♪

♪ Diesel smoke... ♪

Whoa.

Whoa, Nelly.

♪ I was out last night
Drinking beer with the guys ♪

♪ Got an achin' head and bloodshot eyes ♪

♪ I ended up with a pretty little dame ♪

♪ I didn't even know her name ♪

♪ Diesel smoke... ♪

We should call Kristen.

- We haven't heard...
- Anything.

...hide nor hair from that lady.

At the tone,
please record your message.

Hey, Kristen,
it's Harper and Will.

Just checking in to see
how the song's coming,

if it's coming along.
And if it's not, that's okay.

And, uh, once again,
to echo what Harper's saying, no pressure.

- No pressure.
- But I just--

We would like to know how are you fee--

Are you happy
with the direction you have so far?

- Right. Okay. Yeah, thanks.
- Thank you.

Ooh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, Dunkin' Donuts.

- No.
- Why can't we?

- No.
- Oh, just this once?

We never have
to stop again. Just wanted to stop once.

This trip has been horrible.

We haven't stopped once.

Wanted Dunkin' Donuts.

This stupid trip.

All we've done is talk to trans people.

We've not done one fun thing.

Name one fun thing we've done.

- What are you talking about?
- Name one fun thing.

Okay. But... Really?
Maybe you're just hungry.

I wanted to go to Dunkin' Donuts.

That's all I wanted to do.

I never get to do anything I want.

Could someone
take a picture of us?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

- Is... The Grand Canyon was in the picture?
- Of course it was!

- You got some canyon.
- Oh, okay.

- Where you guys from?
- Syracuse, New York.

- Oh, so--
- Oh!

I'm a New Yorker.

- New Yorker. We're on a road trip as well.
- Yeah.

- Harper transitioned...
- I transitioned, and we're just sort of...

We're kinda discussing
what that means for our friendship.

- Do you mind if I ask you a question?
- Yeah, good. I would love it.

I'm just wondering how early you knew,
how early you wanted to.

I think growing up in Iowa,

it was so impossible
to think something like that.

- Uh-huh.
- So I just think I couldn't--

I thought I was weird.
I knew something was weird about me.

I definitely knew that and...

But I also came around to thinking
that... the kind of weird I was was normal.

So about ten years ago, it just started
to explode in me a little more.

- And I just--
- Wow.

I kept fighting it and fighting it
and talking to therapists and...

- Yeah.
- You know what?

- I'm a retired therapist.
- Oh. Oh, okay.

I had a patient very early in my career,

so now we're talking... 30 years ago,

and he came in and said,

"I'm happily married. I love my wife."

Yeah, yeah.

"But I dress in her clothes
whenever I can."

- Yeah.
-"And I don't think I'm--"

"I don't... I don't...
I don't know what I am."

- Yeah, yeah. How did you work through it?
- Yeah.

- I was very closed-minded about it.
- Yeah, yeah.

Sort of afraid
to go into really unknown territory.

- It was unknown to me.
- Yeah.

Can I tell you, I had a therapist
like that that sort of stopped me.

Ah, I...

And... and... and again, I'm not--

I stopped myself enough
that I don't blame anyone.

- Yeah, that's...
- I tried to be open and supportive.

But I know
that a lot of my subtle messages were...

Of course.

- But I've got this my whole life.
-"But you love your wife and..."

Yeah, I know. So...

-"You love your wife, your life."
- Yeah.

-"Why would you do this?"
- You know?

- Surgery is a huge...
- "Can you manage it?"

Yeah. I know that I was a blockade
in that man's-- in that person's life.

- Here's your blue chair.
- Okay.

If you named that beer,
what would the name of the beer be?

- There's no question.
- Yeah.

Cornelius Danderhoff.

- Your beer's called Cornelius Danderhoff?
- Mm-hmm.

- Keep that name.
- Okay.

This is Dolores O'Brien.
I'm gonna drink her all up.

But I wanna show you something.

I have something very special
for my good friend Cornelius Danderhoff.

- Oh!
- It's a coat.

It's a beverage jacket.

It's a... a beverage--

Well, I don't think of-- I actually don't
think of Dolores as a beverage.

But I don't know
how you wanna think of it.

No, Cornelius is gonna love this.

Oh, just... huh...

Check this out.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

You look adorable, Dolores.

This new jacket of yours
reminds me of my own.

You look adorable.

- Oh, Cornelius. That's so sophisticated.
- Cornelius.

Guess what?

I have a surprise for you.

- Look how sharp you look, Cornelius.
- Oh, Cornelius. Really.

Cornelius, you need to lose a few.

- Well, help Cornelius lose a few pounds.
- I...

- Look how sharp Cornelius looks.
- Look at--

"Hey, hi. Would you like
to go on a date sometime?"

-"No." Well, that was a little forward.
-"My word!"

- Your first time?
- Yeah.

- Swimming in a... public place.
- In a public place.

You're taking a chance.

Yeah.

- I wanna make you feel at home.
- Oh.

So...

Mark Spitz!

Double cannonball!

Is it set?

God, that's freakin' sexy.

Relaxing with Mark Spitz.

Okay.

It's good. It's sexy.
I hope that comes out.

So swimming in a... a public pool.

I mean, I love it. I really do love it.

- Okay.
- I love it.

I would've liked my suit
to fit better, honestly,

but I don't think I'm any different
than any woman on the planet

when it comes to bathing suits.

I'd be a little more comfortable
in a perfectly fitting suit, I think.

I think you look great.

Thank you. I really--
I... I do believe that you mean that. Right?

The irony that I have done
so many shirtless things

and things in my underwear or in a Speedo

is that I'm a fairly modest person.

No, I know that. I know that.

When it comes to comedy,
though, which you love...

- Whatever it takes.
- You will sacrifice yourself.

That's why I was excited no one was here.

'Cause I put the Speedo on, I used to be
kind of like comedically out of shape.

Now I'm like, "Oh boy." Not good.

I mean,
I know you're being honest.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I know you're a little overweight, uh,

in places
that you don't wanna be right now.

Right.

But when you put on that suit in D.C.,
you are a handsome man.

To our great looks.

♪ Ooh, Las Vegas ♪

♪ Ain't no place for a poor boy like me... ♪

- What do you wanna do in Vegas?
- Not my favorite city.

- You're not much of a gambler.
- No.

Why don't you take me
to a very fancy dinner?

'Cause they've got
some five-star restaurants now in Vegas.

Oh, okay, even though
you have yet to pay for anything.

- Yeah.
- I'm not opposed to that.

- Okay.
- Let's dress up.

Like, I'm not gonna
pull a Sherlock on you.

Okay.

Maybe this is an opportunity
to have more of a normal experience.

It would make me feel good
because I feel like I would be

in another environment
that I haven't really been in.

Let's have a night on the town.

♪ Ain't no place for a poor boy like me ♪

♪ Every time I hit your crystal city ♪

♪ You know you're gonna make
A wreck outta me ♪

♪ Well, the queen of spades
Is a friend of mine ♪

♪ The queen of hearts is a bitch ♪

♪ Someday when I clean up my mind
I'll find out which is which... ♪

Why, thanks, buddy.

- You gonna be okay in there?
- Yes. I'm gonna be in there.

I'm gonna look around,
and I am crossing my fingers,

hoping I can find
something fun for tonight.

I'll see you later.

- Bye. Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.

Hi, how are you?

- I'm going to dinner with a friend.
- Okay.

Um...

But I... I just need a disguise.

I need... I need a realistic-loo--

- I don't want people to know it's me.
- So are you trying to change--

- I'm Will Ferrell.
- Oh.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- Very nice to meet you. Yeah.

So, yeah, I just--

Tonight, we wanna go to dinner
without a famous person.

- I see, okay.
- Yeah.

Probably stick away
from some of the brighter colors

so it doesn't draw attention to you.

- Right.
- So do something more natural.

♪ They call you Lady Luck ♪

♪ You're on this date with me ♪

♪ And yet... ♪

This looks like... not someone who lives
in Vegas, but someone who visits, right?

That's interesting.

- Dress sizes are crazy, don't you think?
- Yes.

- I'll try that one.
- That is cute.

- Right? Thank you.
- Yeah, it is.

♪ ...the best that I can do... ♪

I like that.
That one looks better that way.

♪ ...is pray ♪

♪ Luck be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck if you've ever been
A lady to begin with ♪

♪ Luck be a lady tonight... ♪

Oh, Will?

William.

♪ Luck let a gentleman see... ♪

Oh my God.

What is going on?

Oh my God.

I'm not Will. I'm David Abernathy.

Oh, David Abernathy.
Do we have a reservation tonight?

We do.

Oh my God.

Oh, thank you, David.

- You sit here.
- Okay.

And there.

Thank you.

Oh.

Good evening, ma'am. Good evening, sir.

- Hello.
- Welcome to the SW Steakhouse.

- Thank you.
- What a pleasure to have you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you. I'm David. This is Harper.

Hi, David. Hi, Harper. I'm John.

- Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you both.

- I'm David Abernathy.
- You're Dav-- Sorry?

- David Abernathy.
- David Abernathy. I'm John Bortles.

I... I managed Bette Midler
for a little while.

- Oh wow.
- And Air Supply.

- Glad to have you.
- Wait.

- I believe we'd love... two Montagues.
- A Montague.

Excellent choice. I'll get that started.
One of our signature drinks.

Cheers to, uh...

- Cheers to our little experiment.
- Yeah.

I don't know if it's working or not.
I can't tell.

I can't either, but...

This whole trip, obviously,
you're taking the heat off me.

- Yeah.
- Um...

And that's just not the life
of a real trans person.

But when I was in the Goodwill today,

I just felt way more comfortable,
and that's a bit of a result of this trip.

- Yeah.
- For sure.

- Like...
- Another cocktail?

Yeah, I would love a,
uh... just a glass of... of Cab.

Thanks, John.

Okay,
it's a complicated subject for me.

Sometimes, the better my makeup looks,

the worse I feel about my face.

Well... But you look...

You look great.

But there's something about...
the slow process of getting

used to who I am...

Yeah.

...that the... "prettier" I get,

the more I see the flaws.

I know what you mean. It's like, "Okay,
I'm putting 'my best foot forward...'"

Right.
And I don't feel like I... I can-- Yeah.

It's making me very self-aware of my...

Right.

...unfortunately, very masculine face.

So I look in the mirror, and I--

- It's like this is getting closer.
- Yeah.

But now I'm like,
"Wow, I got a... I got more to do."

But having spent almost two weeks
with you now, I'm just like...

I'm just sorta like...

"I'm just with Harper."

I'm forgetting...

- The dead name?
- The dead name.

It's just getting fully...

replaced, and I don't... I don't know.

I mean,

thanks.

Do you feel lucky sitting across the table
from someone who looks like this?

I feel very fortunate
to be sitting across the table

from Bette Midler's old manager.

- Old manager.
- Yeah.

- Do you think John-- Oh, here comes John.
- Okay, good.

You think John knows it's me?

- Nickel & Nickel Cabernet. Enjoy.
- Thanks, John.

My pleasure.

Mm.

John is suspicious. So just be honest.

- John's onto me.
- Yeah, John--

Imagine someone
who goes on a trip with a friend

and is up for anything and everything.

Stop.

And there's literally one thing
they wanna do.

- One fun thing. That's it.
- We've done so many good things.

One fun thing that they dreamed about,

that they journaled about.

You never said
you journaled about Dunkin' Donuts.

I did journal about Dunkin' Donuts.

"Dear journal..."

If I could go, today's the day.

"...I have discovered something called..."

"Something that's changed my life.
It's a place called Dunkin' Donuts."

"Each donut is my friend."

- No.
-"I finally found my... my place."

- Whew.
- This feels like a long way to go.

Are you okay? Want me to take the other--

Yeah, could you carry all this?

Oof!

So... there's a few passages in my journal

that I just felt like
just talk to this very place.

11/27/15.

"Here we go into another holiday season
of uncertainty."

"Suicidal thoughts, regrets,

manic daydreams of a safe life
in small hidden houses away from the world

where I can create and live in peace."

"I fantasize about owning
an apartment in Mojave, California."

"I'm fixated on moving to Mojave."

"I can't get it out of my mind."

"In December,
I found a house in Trona, California."

"It cost ten thousand dollars,
and I couldn't stop obsessing over it."

"I offered to buy it,

and now it looks like I will own it."

"My own space to dress like a woman,
walk around like a woman."

"Miles from anyone."

How... how long have you had it?

I bought it about six or seven years ago.

Oh my God.

Yeah. Um...

And I just was looking for, uh...

some place to go where I could

get away from people and...

There's something I liked about this.

That it was just so...
so far away from everything else?

Yeah, it was just hidden
in a downtrodden community, and...

Yeah.

I felt I...

kinda fit in out here.

Mm-hmm.

Because...

Yeah.

I just...

I just hated myself so much.

Fuck.

I just felt like a monster.

- I fucking hated it.
- It's okay.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is okay.

- Everything's okay.
- Yeah.

Yeah, so...

...I-- I kind of fancied,

um, a mid-century modern house out here,
and I would go to town on it.

And I'll show you inside, and you'll see
how it got vandalized.

I don't want...

I just don't want anything to do with it.

I was just gonna say,
what's... what's the plan now?

- Give it to somebody?
- Uh-huh.

I know it's, um...

I mean, I was gonna be a woman here.

That was it. I was gonna--
That was my plan.

I had no... There wasn't any way
to make it work either,

because I would've been afraid
of these people, too,

so I just was gonna close the curtains
and walk around this house,

and it was a safe space.

- Were you able to ever, like, dress here...?
- Yeah. I mean, this was--

- I worked in there in women's clothes.
- Yeah.

And I brought women's clothes with me,

and I... sat out here at night
in women's clothes.

I... I... I loved it.

But it just is not the path.
It's just not the way to do it.

It's not the-- You can't hide. It's not--

It catches up with you,
and it's just stupid.

And I don't wanna be
afraid of people anymore.

That's just sad and terrible.

- Yeah, I get to be in the world.
- Yeah.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, right.

And, also, like...

I don't have to lie to you anymore.
You know what I mean?

- Right.
- You're like, "Oh, you got a crazy house."

Yeah, it's my little thing I'm doing.

There's always a lie under there,
and I don't like that.

Yeah, I don't like
lying to my friends at all.

- And here you are.
- I know.

One of my really good friends,
and I just was lying to...

And I don't-- I don't--

Again, it's not the worst thing
that I was trying to be safe

'cause I didn't know how people
were gonna react. I was scared.

But no, I don't...
I don't want to do that anymore. I can...

I can-- I have a few secrets
that I'm not gonna let you have.

Okay?

Like, I-- There's some record places
that I'll never tell you about.

- I'll get it outta you.
- No, you won't. That's secret.

And, uh...

I stole something
from your house one time.

I already know what it is.

Oh.

You are a good friend.

Uh,
should we go do some fireworks?

♪ Someway, baby, it's part of me
Apart from me... ♪

- Oh boy! Gimme your lighter.
- This is exciting.

- I'm gonna just gonna place this here.
- Okay.

- ♪ You're laying waste to Halloween... ♪
- Okay.

Oh!

Not toward me!

- Whoa! Oh!
- Ah!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

Gator Gun! Gator Gun!

- Gator Gun!
- Gator Gun!

- Gator Gun! Gator Gun!
- Gator Gun! Yeah!

Take that! Gator Gun!

Gator Gun!

♪ Saying nothing, that's enough for me ♪

♪ And at once, I knew ♪

♪ I was not magnificent... ♪

♪ But I could see
For miles, miles, miles ♪

Oh-oh. Ah!

- Uh!
- What? What?

- You-- It's our last day.
- Yeah.

- I'm not seeing what you're seeing.
- What does that say?

Over there? "Dunkin' Donuts."

I think this trip was stupid if we didn't...
if we don't get to go to Dunkin' Donuts.

- You gotta be kidding. Jesus.
- I think this whole trip was stupid.

There, I said it.
You wanted me to be honest.

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

- Guess what?
- Wait.

- Yes.
- Are you really?

Yes.

What can I get started for you?

What do you like more?
Your classic donut or Munchkins?

- Do you have apple fritters?
- I do!

Order something!

I need more time.

- No!
- No!

Just a... a classic glazed.

- Well, are you fucking happy? Come on.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna pull over so you can just eat.
- Oh my God.

Mmm!

- And you know what?
- Yeah.

They're nice and cold.

- It's great.
- 3,000 miles.

Really great.

Is-- How's the trip now?

It's... honestly, it's, like,
the best trip I've ever had.

It's been a really good trip.

♪ I pulled into Nazareth ♪

♪ Was feeling 'bout half past dead ♪

♪ I just need some place ♪

♪ Where I can lay my... ♪

Harper!

- Oh my goodness!
- So good to see you.

Good to see you!

Harper and Will, what... what has been
the best part of the trip, would you say?

Boy, we've had some great--
We've had a lot.

Was there anything you learned about Will
that you didn't know,

or, Will, that you learned about Harper
that you didn't know?

For me, I had no idea

the kind of... the despair that Harper felt
for so long, you know? It's like...

- Mm-hmm.
- And she hid it really well. She hid it.

Um...

What I really learned about Will...

Like, we've been friends for 27 years,
you know?

But...

Yeah. I mean...

I mean, he loves me.
You know what I mean?

He's watched me now break down.

I've watched that, what'd you call,
bag of cement break down too.

And... I don't know, it just...

He cared so much about this.

And cared about

making sure that I wasn't in pain and...

It just... Yeah.

I just... It was very sweet for me.

Yeah.

- That's amazing.
- Yeah.

Will, what color are you gonna go with?

Green.

Going with the color
of the homeland, the Emerald Isle.

- So beautiful.
- I love that, for St. Paddy's Day.

God, what do we say? You don't wanna,
like, upset the artistic process.

- Call has been forwarded to...
- God!

At the tone, please record your message.

Hi, Kristen.

It's Will and Harper, and we're, uh...

Gosh, we've almost
officially made it across country.

We're gonna go down
to the beach here, and, uh...

- Well, we're just checking in.
- Yeah.

Hey, anything you wanna send us

in the next anywhere from two
to eight minutes would be great.

- Look at that. There it is.
- Yeah! Yeah!

- The ocean.
- Beautiful.

- It does feel good, right?
- Yeah.

- I mean, it's a long drive.
- Yeah. I know.

You know?

Oh!

- Wow.
- That's great.

We've dropped these chairs
in some very nice places, haven't we?

- Yeah.
- The Grand Canyon.

- Yep.
- The Mississippi River.

Mighty Mississippi.

On a-- In a Walmart parking lot.

- I will never forget this.
- Yeah.

We'll never forget this trip.

Because if it's in a week
or six months from now...

Yeah.

...the joy...

Yeah.

...the joy I'm gonna feel just seeing you.

Which I always felt, but it's like,
man, I really got close to my friend Will.

- I still...
- Yeah.

I'm gonna think of something tomorrow
that I forgot to ask you.

I'm gonna think
of a bunch of stuff I should've said

that I wanted to tell you.

- But...
- We have time.

- We have time and...
- I mean, yeah.

I got you a little present.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Because one of...

We've obviously had
this back-and-forth on beauty.

Yeah.

- And... being okay with--
- Yeah.

With kind of, you know...

Whether it's makeup
or finding the right dress, it... it--

making yourself feel good
as a woman, beautiful.

So... I thought to myself,

"I know what I wanna get Harper
at the end of the thing."

Her own pair of diamond earrings.

- Not diamond earrings. Really?
- Yeah.

Oh my God.

So...

Just to...

Just as kind of obviously
a memory of the trip,

but just, like, it's okay to...

It's okay to feel pretty
and do nice, pretty things for yourself.

Oh jeez.

I don't-- Jeez.

It's just so cool.

It's just so sweet.

You know?

This is very special.

- I'm going in. I'm going in!
- Whoa!

Hey, it's pretty good!

Dolores.

Cornelius.

So what's next?

For me,

tomorrow, I'm running it back.

I gotta get back to New York,
so I'm gonna drive back across.

What are you doing, by the way?

I've literally got nothing.
I'm wide open.

- You wanna go back with me?
- Yeah, let's just run it back.

- Take a new route.
- New route. Great.

- I got a lot of ideas.
- Yeah.

- I got some fun places to stop.
- I can't wait.

♪ Take a ride ♪

♪ Let us see now what goes on inside ♪

♪ Let's reveal what others try to hide ♪

♪ Baby, go with me ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪

♪ Take my hand ♪

♪ I'm afraid to travel through this land ♪

♪ I'm afraid that I won't understand ♪

♪ Baby, take my hand ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪

- ♪ Stay... ♪
- Hey, it's Kristen. Um, I...

I think
I finished the song? Um...

And, oh my gosh, I... I hope you like it.

Okay, here it is.

♪ Harper and Will go west ♪

♪ Just a couple old friends ♪

♪ And a couple brand-new breasts ♪

♪ They're off to see America ♪

♪ Not sure what they'll find ♪

♪ Open to the open road ♪

♪ Only to be reminded ♪

♪ That a friend is a friend is a friend ♪

♪ Till the end ♪

♪ Coast-to-coast ♪

♪ Takes 3,000 miles to get this close ♪

♪ Did Lewis and Clark ♪

♪ Dare to go to these emotional places? ♪

♪ This is a greater unknown ♪

♪ So I think my two are the bravest ♪

♪ Harper and Will go west ♪

♪ Like Thelma and Louise ♪

♪ But with a lot less death ♪

♪ They're off to see America ♪

♪ Just one girl and a guy ♪

♪ Open to the open road ♪

♪ Only to be reminded ♪

♪ That a friend is a friend is a friend ♪

♪ Till the end ♪

♪ They'll find their way ♪

♪ Even when they don't know what to say ♪

♪ Known each other for forever and a day ♪

♪ On a path to find themselves ♪

♪ A magical woman ♪

♪ Riding with her grown-up elf ♪

♪ And, ooh, this is the jazzy part ♪

♪ I assume there's no room in the car ♪

♪ For me, or I'd have been invited ♪

♪ But I'll play my part ♪

♪ This one's from the heart ♪

♪ Harper and Will go west ♪

♪ Not prospecting for gold ♪

♪ This is a richer quest ♪

♪ They're off to see America ♪

♪ Follow their own signs ♪

♪ Open to the open road ♪

♪ Only to be reminded ♪

♪ That a friend is a friend
Is a friend is a friend ♪

♪ A friend is a friend is a friend ♪

♪ Till the end ♪

♪ Till the end ♪

- You may wanna get into the lane.
- What lane am I in?

- Yeah, you're in-- Yes.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.