All language subtitles for The Waterboy 1998

Cut his ass.

- [Grunting]
- Go! Now let's go!

[Shouting]

- Heads up!
- [Grunting]

[Man] Take him down!
That's it, that's it!

- Hey, Coach, how you been?
- [Laughing] Lynn Swann.

Now why ain't I surprised...

to see you snoopin' around my
football field first day of practice?

Well, that's because you got
a good-lookin' football team.

Maybe good enough to add another national
championship trophy to the old case downstairs.

That's kinda like my old man
told me one time, Lynn.

"The only thing better than a crawfish
dinner is five crawfish dinners."

Hey, here comes
the shithead.

It's clean.

It's cold.

Now that's what I call
high-quality H2O. Oh!

Ooh!
Right in the head!

It's over there!

Any unused magic in that
legendary green playbook of yours, Red?

I may have a couple
squirrelled away in there...

for a rainy day.

[Players Yelling]

See what we got here.

- Not exactly what I'd call constructive criticism.
- [Whistle Blowing]

- Smell like you could use a shower, stinky.
- Oh!

Listen, you-you could think what you
want a-about my personal hygiene,

but, please,
don't-don't waste any water.

That-That's bad policy. If you
need to amuse yourself at my expense,

just-just rough me up
or something.

- Fair enough.
- [Groaning]

- [Laughter]
- [Sighing]

[Waterboy Mumbling]

Laski, get over here!

- Yes, sir, Coach?
- [Sighing]

What is that moron
doin' here? Huh, huh?

Didn't I tell you as plain as I could
speak to get rid of his ass last year?

Yes, sir, but I didn't think you were serious, Coach.
Besides, he does a great job.

Disrupting my football team,
you idiot?

Eighteen years of this
is enough!

Hey, Waterboy!

Yes, Mr. Coach Beaulieu!

You're fired!

Okay.

[Man]
Get out of the way, you moron!

# When I was just
a little boy #

# I stood up to
my daddy's knee #

# My papa said, son
don't let the man get ya #

# And do what he done to me #

- # Born on the bayou #
- Oh.

# Born on the bayou ##

Bobby Boucher,
come give your mama a kiss.

- Hi, Steve.
- [Braying]

Oh. Why you home so early,
my precious angel?

Mama, s-somethin' bad
happened today.

Somebody hurt you, my boy? Who hurt
you? You tell Mama who hurt you.

Nobody, Mama.
It's just that...

I lost my position as the team's
water distribution engineer.

Why, that's the best news
I heard in a dog's age.

Now you be able to spend your days
at home where you belong.

Yes, but...

I-I was... I was thinkin', Mama,
maybe I-I could...

I could try to-to get another
waterboy job for-for a different team.

Don't you raise your voice
to me, Bobby Boucher.

I-I wasn't raising
my voice, Mama.

I don't like confrontation
'cause I'm a Virgo.

Who told you
you was a Virgo?

Vicki Vallencourt,
that-that-that-that girl.

A girl?

Bobby Boucher! Don't you remember
what your mama told you about girls?

I remember, Mama.

A girl was so nice out at
Wasser's Creek this morning.

- Really?
- We looked for crawfish together. Her's name's Vicki.

I don't ever want you
associatin' with little girls.

- Why not, Mama?
- Because little girls are the devil!

Mama, it-it's just
that I'm a waterboy.

The team gets thirsty,
and I bring them the water.

They-They need the water, and I likes
to be the one that brings it to them.

Yeah. They like to give you a boot
in the patoot for all your trouble.

Bobby, you don't have what they call
"the social skills."

People don't understand you.
That's why you never have any friends, except for your mama.

All I know is this, Jimmy: Next Friday, August 29,
at the Baton Rouge Exposition Center,

I'm gonna open a can
of whoop-ass on Herculon,

and I'm gonna drive him back into
whatever galaxy it is he came from.

And that's a promise!

Strong words from a strong man,
Captain Insano.

Now let's take a call. It's our
old friend from Jackson's Bayou, Mr. B.

Hello, Jim.

L-ls it possible
to speak to Captain Insano?

- Shoot, Mr. B.
- Captain Insano,

I notice sometimes
when you are wrestling...

or-or openin' up a can of whoop-ass,
as you like to say...

- you seem to be sweating quite profusely.
- Yeah?

I was wondering if,
perhaps, you might need...

the services
of an experienced waterboy.

[Chuckling]
That's pretty cute.

How old are you, kid?
Eleven, twelve?

I-I am 31 years old.

[Both Laughing]

[Captain Insano]
I guarantee, that guy's still a virgin.

Oh! Oh, my God!

[Laughing Continues]

[Engine Whirring]

# My mama said #

# That your life
is a gift #

# And my mama said #

# This much weight
you will lift #

# And my mama said
leave those bad boys alone #

# And my mama said ##

This is where
they strip the ball from us.

And then we miss one tackle.
There, two tackles.

Joey drops the ball.

Whoops, he has time to pick it up and
dust it off and run in for a touchdown...

before our guys even know
what's goin' on.

- [Sighing]
- [Knocking]

- Hello?
- My name is Bobby Boucher.

And I am inquiring as to whether you have
the need for an experienced waterboy...

on your upcoming season.

Nice suit.

Thank you.
L-l-l-lt was my daddy's.

- Hold that thought.
- Yeah.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Come on. Come here.

Come here. Come on.
Come on, everybody.

- All right, this is it. This is the play.
- Okay.

This is the play.
This is the play. Okay?

The quarterback. Two receivers
lined up to the left, one to the right.

There's a flanker lined up to the left
behind the quarterback.

- Oh, okay.
- He gives the ball... No, he doesn't get the ball.

The receiver goes
all the way over there to the left.

Once the quarterback has the ball,
he fakes to the left.

No. He fakes to the right.
He doesn't fake.

He thinks about faking.
He pretends to fake.

I don't know
where I am.

I can't breathe.

Or, this room is getting smaller.
I have to sit down.

Hang on here.
Take some water.

All right, there.

This is good. This is much better
than what I serve.

- That is the water that you serve to your players?
- Uh-huh.

It is imperative that you allow me
to be your waterboy.

I can't hire you.
I can't hire anybody with the...

You do not have to... have to pay me.
I-I will do it for free.

Just promise me that you will never distribute
the contents of that jug to any human person.

- That's a deal.
- It's a deal?

Thank you so-so much, Coach Klein.
L... I will not let you down.

- Good day.
- Good day.

I-I-I'll see you
at practice.

- # Boom, boom, boom, boom #
- [Yelling]

# Bang, bang, bang, bang #

# Boom, boom, boom, boom #

# Bang, bang, bang, bang
Hey #

# Hey ##

Quit hoggin' that.
Pass it over.

[Mumbling,
Indistinct]

Okay.

Just have the defense
run sprints.

[Mumbling Continues]

Yo! Water's better cold.

Yes, I agree, but to guarantee that
the H2O is-is purified,

i-it's good to use
the heating source, Sterno.

It's like my mama always says,
"Better safe than-than sorry."

My mama says that too.
Aren't all mamas the same?

- Yes.
- Derek. I kick the field goals around here.

Will you listen up? I need
your cooperation. I need it now.

Is he gonna be-be
all right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has
his good days and his bad days.

Used to be an assistant coach
at some big football school,

but he had a mental breakdown
or something.

Don't worry.
He'll snap out of it.

- Let me know when it cools down, baby. All right.
- Yes.

[Chuckles]

[Panting]

Hey, did you all get a load
of the new waterboy?

Let's make him feel right at home.
Jerry, go right.

Casey, go left.
Way left.

- On one. Ready?
- [All] Break!

Set! Red, 22!

Red, 22! Hut!

[Grunting]

- [Cheering]
- [Laughing]

l-I-I-I think you zigged
when you should've zagged on that play.

- Sorry.
- Hey, Waterboy, check this out.

[All Laughing]

[Laughing Continues]

Hey, Waterboy!
Check this out.

- [Laughing]
- [Grunting]

- Yes.
- [Grunting Continues]

Well, my, my, my.

Was my little aquatic engineer about
to bash one of my football players?

Well, he spit
in the c-c-cooler.

He happens to be
a finely tuned athletic machine.

And I ain't gonna have him hit
in the head by some idiot waterboy.

[Echoing]
Do you understand me?

- Are you all right?
- What? I wasn't gonna do nothin', Coach.

Well, you better do something.
You gotta defend yourself here, Bobby.

But they're-they're-they're
finely tuned athletic machines.

I am not telling you
to go on a shooting rampage.

But you have to stand up for yourself,
or they're gonna ride you all season long.

Believe me,
I've seen it myself.

Hey, moron!

Hey! Moron! Duh!

[Lmitating Bobby]
L-Look at me. I'm the w-w-waterboy.

Duh! I got
a wooden spoon. Duh!

Smell like you could use
a shower, stinky. [Cackling]

You're fired!
[Cackling]

[Both Laughing]

Stop makin' fun of me.

Red, ready! Hut!

- Wow!
- Damn!

[Mumbling]

- I'm sorry.
- [Groaning]

Who that?
Who there?

So that's what openin' up
a can of whoop-ass feels like.

Son, you just opened
a whole case of whoop-ass.

I would be honored if you
play football for this team.

- Me? Play football?
- Yes.

Thanks, but no thanks. My mama
won't let me play no football.

We're gonna go home.
You and I, we're gonna talk to Mama.

M-Mama said... M-Mama said...
My mama said... Mama said...

- My mama said... My mama say that...
- She's gonna say yes.

[Zapper Buzzing]

Mmm, that snake
looks delicious.

What part do you think
I'm about to eat?

Uh, basically
a snake don't have parts.

But, uh, if I had to
call it anything,

I would say
it's his knee.

Great. His knee.

And what are we having
for dessert?

[Animal Chittering
In Zapper]

- Squirrel.
- [Squirrel Thuds]

Excellent.

Let's talk about Bobby
playing football.

I don't like it, Mr. Coach Klein.
I don't like it one bit.

You see, my boy is too delicate
to be playin' "fool's ball"...

or whatever you call it...
with them gargantuans.

I don't think you understand,
Mrs. Boucher.

No, you don't understand me,
Mr. Coach Klein.

My boy is all I got left. Ow!

- [Steve Braying]
- Mama, here.

It's the brain pain, Coach.

You see, my husband Robert,

one day back in 1966,
pick up sticks,

and me four months pregnant
with this precious angel.

He decides he wants to go
and help the foreign peoples.

He's gonna go
and join the peace corps.

And he promise me
that everything's gonna be okay.

Just like you
promisin' me now.

But everything wasn't okay. No.

He got lost in the middle
of the Sahara Desert.

And he died.
He died!

- Couldn't get no water, Coach. He died of the dehydration.
- And we were left all alone.

I would've gotten my daddy some water,
but I was just a little baby inside Mama's stomach.

And now you wanna take away
the only part of my Robert I have left.

But don't you want the only part you've
got left to get a college education?

- Nah.
- Me, a college student?

Yes. Bobby, think about it.

A whole new world
will open to you.

Boy, Mama, that-that-that sounds nice.
Me-Me, a college man.

Coach, my Bobby's
a sweet boy,

but he ain't exactly what you'd call
"college material,"

so don't you go fillin' his simple head
with all those crazy dreams...

of school and college
and things of that sort.

But Mama, I-I'm tired
of everybody callin' me a dummy.

I'm-I'm tired
of not havin' any friends.

And my ass is tired sittin' here
jawin' all night. I'm goin' to bed.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Coach.
Good luck with your fool's ball.

Bobby, after you let Mr. Coach out,
you come into my bedroom.

Mama'll brush your hair.

- [Door Closes]
- You know, when I was your age,

my mother told me not to get a tattoo...
of Roy Orbison.

But what Mama don't know
won't hurt her.

I trust you'll make
the right decision.

# Oh, yeah #

# Huh
I'm #

# Gonna get under your skin #

- # Sooner or later #
- Damn, I don't want that ass on the team.

Everybody's gonna
laugh at us.

Everybody's already
laughin' at us.

We ain't won a game
since 1994.

- # Sooner or later ##
- Hey! What's up, baby? - Hey.

- Where's your helmet?
- Derek Wallace, they-they don't got no more helmets.

Here. You can share mine.

Try it on, man.
See if it fits.

- All right.
- Thanks, friend.

- What a dink.
- [Whistle Blowing]

Come on!
Huddle up!

- [Mumbling]
- [Coach Klein] All right, we have an announcement to make.

Our former waterboy, Bobby Boucher,
is gonna play some linebacker for us.

[Lmitating Bobby] Ooh,
I'm a f-f-football player. [Grunting]

- Coach, I'd like to tackle him right now, please.
- Not yet.

All right, now I wanna work with the
offense. I wanna work with the defense.

- Special teams, go with Farmer Fran, do some laps.
- Shit.

[Farmer Fran Mumbling]

Line up on the ball.

- [Man] Let's go.
- All right? Third and ten.

Third and ten?

Yeah, you know, that's
the offense's last opportunity...

to gain ten yards
before they have to punt.

Gee, he's gonna run
the option.

Option?

- [Grumbling]
- He ain't never gonna be able to figure this out, Coach.

Yes, he is.

Now, Bobby, you've waterboyed
for 18 years.

Didn't you occasionally
watch the game?

Oh, I had a lot
to k-keep me busy.

- Checking the pH levels, refillin' the cups.
- All right.

Well, then let's just
keep it simple.

Casey. I want you
to tackle Casey...

like you did Gee yesterday.

- Right now?
- Right now! Go!

- Does he know about this?
- Doesn't matter. You're a warrior.

Go.

- [Man] Boy, what you doin'?
- [Players Grumbling]

[Coach Klein]
All right. Bobby, Bobby.

Don't be afraid to use
all of your strength, you know?

He's resilient.
He's a resilient guy.

Okay? Come on.

[Man] Hey, Casey,
I think he wanna make out with you.

- [Whistle Blowing]
- Okay, that's enough. Thank you.

Is there any sport that you
do watch? You know, a physical sport?

- Boxing? Hockey?
- Wrestling.

Wrestling! Wrestling is good.

Who's your favorite wrestler?

Well, even though he was slightly
discourteous to me recently,

I'm gonna have to say
Captain Insano.

Okay, okay,
I want you to do to Casey...

what Captain Insano does
to the bad guy.

Go.

- Ow! Ow!
- [Players Gasping]

- He poked me in the eye.
- Captain Insano shows no mercy.

Bobby, where was the intensity
that I saw yesterday?

That was no intensity. You said it
was all right to fight back,

and I-I just started thinkin' about all the people
who-who'd been mean to me over the years.

That's it.
That's it.

I want you to think about
all those mean people.

- They're gonna be your tackling fuel.
- Tacklin' fuel.

- We're gonna use them to play football.
- Tacklin' fuel.

I want you to pretend
that Casey...

- is insulting you.
- Pretend?

I want you to visualize all those
people that have been mean to you.

And then I want you to attack. I want
you to visualize and then attack.

- Can you handle that?
- I'll try.

He's gonna try.

What's the matter with you, boy?
You too s-s-stupid...

to do what your coach
tells ya?

- [Coach Laughing]
- No!

- No what?
- [Yelling]

[Players Murmuring]

I didn't mean to hurt you.
Coach told me to pretend.

Bobby. Bobby! Can you do this for
me every single game? Can you do this?

Coach, not only
will I do it for you.

L-l-l...
Yes, yes, I'll do it for ya.

[Chattering]

So, uh, why you pick this class anyway?
It's pretty hard.

Oh, beautiful view.

Correct.

All right, all right!

Y'all shut up now!

Now, last week,
we talked about...

the physiology
of the animal brain...

as it pertains
to aggression.

Now is there anyone here
that can tell me why...

most alligators
are abnormally aggressive?

- I know the answer to this question.
- Raise your hand.

Anybody? Anyone?
Yes, sir. You, sir.

Mama says that alligators
are ornery...

'cause they got all them teeth
but no toothbrush.

[Chuckling]
Yo mama said,

alligators are ornery
'cause they got all them teeth...

and no toothbrush.

Wow!

Anybody else?
Yes, sir. You, sir.

Alligators are aggressive because
of an enlarged medulla oblongata.

It's the sector of the brain
which controls aggressive behavior.

- That is correct! The medulla oblongata.
- But Mama said...

The medulla oblongata...

is where anger, jealousy
and aggression come from.

Now, is there anybody here can tell
me where happiness comes from?

- No, man.
- Anyone?

All right, let's hear what
Mama has to say on the subject.

Mama say that happiness is from magic rays of
sunshine that come down when you feelin' blue.

Well, folks,
Mama's wrong again.

No, Colonel Sanders,
you're wrong.

- [Students] Ooh!
- Mama's right.

You're all wrong.
Mama's right. Mama's right!

Somethin' wrong
with his medulla oblongata.

- [Class Laughing]
- [Yelling]

It's okay to fight back.
Coach Klein said I could.

Mr. Coach Klein said I could.
It's fine, fellas.

[Announcer] Well, Mud Dog
fans, it's time to kick off...

another year
of Mud Dog football.

With the weight of a 40-game
losing streak on their back,

everyone seems to be diggin' in
for the long haul.

# There's blood in the streets
It's up to my ankles #

# There's blood in the streets
It's up to my knee #

# Blood on the streets
in the town of Chicago #

# Blood on the rise
It's following me ##

What you doin', Bobby?

Oh, Lord, that-that-that's some
heavy-duty armpit saturation.

That's an early warning sign of
the dehydration. You gots to have H2O.

- Please, for me.
- Look, you need to stop worryin' about water, baby,

and start worryin'
about the game today, okay?

Here. Now, just do whatever you did
to Colonel Sanders,

and you'll be fine.

I-I will, thank you. I-I-I just...
I feel bad about lyin' to my mama.

I wonder what
she's doin' right now.

## [Country]

[Braying]

- [Grunting]
- [Announcer] And he's down with a three-yard kickoff return.

- The Mud Dogs offense takes the field.
- Okay, come on, here we go.

Come on, everybody. You can do it.
Gain some yards. Put some points on the board.

Hey, Walter,
I'll bet you 50 bucks...

Gee Grenouille throws a touchdown pass
on the first play.

Check it out.

Set, fool, 22, hut!

[Shouting]

[Man Laughing]

You owe me 50 bucks.

- You said it was gonna be a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole.
- Go, go, go, go!

Hold 'em, hold 'em, hold 'em.
Okay, you can do it. Come on.

Bobby, Bobby, this is
just like we practiced, okay?

Okay, go, go, go.
Come on.

Watch where you're going, needle dick.
[Lmitating Bobby Grunting]

[Whistle Blowing]

[Shouting]

Set! 390!

- Time for retard to find out what college football's all about.
- [Laughing]

390! Check, check.

Red, 18! Red, 18!

Needle dick! Needle dick!
Needle dick!

[Bobby Grunting]

Yeah!

Your name is needle dick.

- [Grunting]
- I knew that this was a good idea.

[Bobby Grunting]

Yes!

- Time-out from the game.
- What's he calling time-out for?

- Man, what are you doin'?
- Here, this is for you.

Enjoy.

- [Coach Beaulieu] Hey, Waterboy, you're fired!
- Stop it!

Yes! Bobby!

[Cheering]

- Ooh-la-la. Yeah, man! Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah!

- Slap hands!
- Whatever.

Waterboy's killin' 'em.

He's the best tackler
I've seen since Joe Montana.

Joe Montana was a quarterback,
you idiot.

I said, "Joe Mantegna."

[Announcer] We're tied at seven with
30 seconds to go in the fourth quarter.

Eagle cover two.
Eagle cover two. Ready?

Best of luck to you
on-on-on the upcoming play.

- I'll be playin' with your mama tonight.
- Sixty-two.

- Move, 22, hut!
- [Announcer] Bernard drops back.

- Looks like a screen pass.
- [Cheering]

Sixty-two! Sixty-two!
There you are!

- [Groaning]
- Thank you.

[Announcer]
Number 62 is headed for the end zone.

He's at the 40, the 30.
He's almost...

Man! Touchdown!
Reds lead.

[Bobby Grunting]

Dropkick. Looks like Boucher
knocked him out cold.

I love my mama very much.
Now you know that.

- [Crying]
- [Crowd Moaning]

The waterboy handed them the game.
What an idiot.

Waterboy, you stink!

Nice job, shithead.
You just lost us the game.

I'm sorry. Would you please
still be my friend?

No! Get away from me.

Okay.

Excuse me?
May I help you?

Hey, stud.

Vicki Vallencourt, this is...
this is quite a pleasant surprise.

Yeah, well, I just got out of jail,
and I heard you were playin' football.

Yes, well, I-I-I've...

[Mumbling, Indistinct]

[Bobby]
Yes.

[Mumbling, Indistinct]

So, let's say we go and get
somethin' to eat, catch up on things.

Oh, uh...

Mama's not a-a-a big fan
of restaurants...

or of-of me going to one.

But if-if you'd like,
sometimes,

Mama, she, uh... she like to...
on a Sunday afternoon...

There-There's a-a-a grill
with the charcoal b-biscuits.

- You want me to come to a barbecue?
- Yes, that's it.

[Chuckling]
Sounds great.

And by the way, I hope you like
what I did to y'all lawn mower.

[Steve Braying]

You know that old hag that does
astrology on Good Morning America,

she really ought
to pack it in.

Listen what she said
for Sagittarius. She goes:

"You're gonna be faced with
a difficult decision today."

But the thing is-is-is, we're all faced
with difficult decisions every day.

- That's like sayin' you're gonna eat today.
- Yeah, m-maybe...

by leaving her predictions
vague and generalized,

there's less of a chance of someone
findin' out she's a phony.

Whatever, college boy.

- Don't say college boy. Here comes Mama.
- Oh, okay.

That looks nice, Mama.

[Sighing]

- Mmm, here you go, Vicki Vallencourt.
- Thank you.

Mama, Vicki's
an astrologist.

I don't believe in that sort
of thing, personally.

Astronomy is one
of the many tools of the devil.

You sure played great
yesterday, Bobby.

- What did my boy play great?
- Uh, um...

Waterboy. Yeah, waterboy.
He played... He played waterboy great.

Everybody who was thirsty
got a drink right away...

yesterday at the...
at the football game.

Fool's ball! Bunch of overgrown
monsters manhandling each other.

Remember when that man wanted you
to play fool's ball, Bobby?

Yeah, l... He...
Roy Orbison...

Coach Klein.
I-I-I remember.

So, Bobby, did they ever catch
that gorilla...

what escaped from the zoo
and punched you in the eye?

No, Mama, he...
The-The search continues.

What would you think if Bobby
did play football, Mrs. Boucher?

Well, I wouldn't
think much of it at all.

And to tell you the truth,
I don't think much of you...

and all your snotty questions,
Miss Vallencourt.

I'm quite disturbed to see
that you're so interested in my boy.

I'm very, very interested
in your boy, Mrs. Boucher.

- Really?
- Mm.

Well, did he tell you
about how much his feet smell?

- Mama.
- He has to wear two pair of socks.

Well, men are supposed
to have stinky feet.

Well, are men
supposed to wear pajamas...

featuring a cartoon character
by the name of Deputy Dog?

- Mama, please.
- Well, you know what?

I happen to find
Deputy Dog to be...

very, very sexy.

Did he tell you about
a little bedtime problem?

- Mama, I'm beggin' you, don't.
- That's his sheet back there.

If you'll excuse me, ladies,
I'm gonna go hang myself.

- Now you see what you done?
- What I did?

Now you listen here, cupcake. The
"onliest" woman in my boy's life is me.

Nobody's gonna take him away, especially
not some godless Jezebel like you.

Oh, yeah, well your Bobby
is a grown man.

And guess what? He can hang out
with whoever he wants!

Oh, yes, he can.
Whoever he wants. 'Cept you!

Bobby, that-that woman
is the devil.

- I want you to stay away from her, you hear me?
- Yes, Mama.

Now you come on inside before that
little ol' witch casts a spell on us!

I'm sorry,
Vicki Vallencourt.

Whatever.

# If you want it, you got it
You feed it, you love it #

# Say that you need it
You never... ##

When we report on the S.C.L.S.U. Mud Dogs here on Sportscenter,
it's usually to add...

another number to their amazing
losing streak, which now stands at 41.

But now, Bobby Boucher
has given us another reason.

In the Mud Dog's latest loss
this past Saturday,

the amazing 31-year-old freshman
set a new N.C.A.A. record...

by sacking the quarterback
16 times,

shattering the old record
of seven.

And, oh, by the way, Bobby Boucher
is also the team's waterboy,

which, of course,
begs the question:

What exactly are they putting
in the water...

down in Jackson's Bayou,
Louisiana?

# There is a house
in New Orleans #

# They call The Rising Sun ##

[Announcer] We're deadlocked
at three with less than a minute to go.

[Coach Klein]
We are one family with one dream.

There are 40 of you
on this team, not just one.

Bobby can't do this by himself. Now get
out there and make something happen!

- All right, sacrifice your bodies. Go, go, go!
- [Players Cheering]

Thank you. Bobby, you're gonna
have to do this by yourself...

because there is nobody
on this team that's any good.

Now look, I can't stand
losing anymore.

We've got to win one game. Can you
go out there and make something happen?

- Visualize and attack.
- Yeah.

- Visualize and attack. Please!
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Please!
- [Mumbling, Indistinct]

[Announcer] Central Kentucky's down
to their third straight quarterback.

Good news, folks.
First-string quarterback, Tommy Gardner,

does not have a broken neck.

Blue, 52!
Blue, 52! Hut!

I forbid you to talk to
that enchantress. She's the devil!

She's not the devil. She's the
most beautiful woman in the world.

- I never said she was the devil.
- She's the most beautiful woman in the world.

Oh, please, don't hurt me!

Follow the...
Come on!

You crazy man!
Okay, okay, okay!

It's a safety!
They win, they win, they win!

With the help of Boucher,
the losing streak is over!

I'm so sorry, Mama.
Please, forgive me.

I love you so much, Mama.
I love you.

- I love you too.
- [Derek] We won!

We won, baby! It's gonna be a big
party tonight, and you're going!

- Me? Party?
- Yeah, baby!

[Cheering]

[Chanting]
Party! Party!

# Let's groove tonight #

# And share
the spots and light #

Hey! Nice suit.

Thank you.
It was my daddy's.

Mama don't know I'm here,
but I took these outta the icebox: Louisiana frog cakes.

Thanks.

- Come on in.
- [Woman] Hey, Bobby Boucher!

Look who's here:
Sergeant Stutter.

- Want a beer?
- I'll take a Scotch and water. Hold the Scotch.

- You just make a joke, Bobby?
- Yes, I did.

[Chuckling]
Good one.

Now that you finally won a game, right,
you feel looser, the pressure is off,

and that will lead
to a lot more victories.

- Yeah, that and a waterboy getting 20 sacks a game.
- That too.

- Professor!
- [Gasping]

We still havin' that test on amphibians
and reptiles next Friday?

Yes, sir. That is,
if it's all right with you.

- Of course, it is.
- My best regards to your dear mama.

[Woman]
Let's talk to the waterboy.

You played amazing
at the game today, Bobby.

And you are so cute.
Is there a girl you're seein'?

Seein'? Uh, uh, I see
a lot of girls.

I see a lot of guys too.

I think that's sexy.

You ever been with a guy and a girl
at the same time?

Oh, yeah, plenty of times.

The other night, I was with my mama
and Coach Klein at the same time.

You are a bad boy.
I wish you were my boyfriend.

Oh, thank you, but, see, there's
this girl, Vicki Vallencourt.

She may be the devil.
Mama said that.

Consequently, I am prohibited
from contact with her.

But I hope to get past that
one day 'cause she's nice to talk to.

[Mumbling, Indistinct]

Oh, oh.

## [Rap]

# Take me and break me off Baby,
let me play the clothes and I'll take me off #

# 'Cause I've been checkin' out
your style from across the stand #

# And I'm much more than your waterboy
and average fan #

# You ask me why
Perfect practice makes perfect game #

## [Rap Continues]

# Sit-ups and pull-ups
92 octane, premium, fill up #

# I'm doin' my thing
for much more than the thing #

# I'm doin' my thing
for much more than the thing #

# I'm doin' my thing
for much more than the thing #

# I'm doin' my thing
for much more than the thing #

# I'm doin' my thing for
much more than the thing ##

Yo, we have a very special
guest here today.

Let's have a warm L.T. welcome
for Bobby Boucher. Come on, Bobby.

- [Cheering]
- Thank you, Mr. Lawrence Taylor.

Tell me, what is your secret?
How do you find yourself in the right position all the time?

That-That-That's
a good question.

What-What happens is, the-the-the
center has-has the ball first.

And-And-And the quarterback
will say, "Hike."

That's when the c-center puts the ball
in-into the hands of the quarterback.

So what I do is,
I-I start tacklin' the quarterback,

unless he give the ball
to-to s-somebody else,

in which case,
I-I try to tackle that person.

Hmm? Children, which brings me
to my next point:

Don't smoke crack.

- [Chattering]
- [Horn Honking]

Vicki Vallencourt.
What you doin' here?

Oh, nothin'.
I was just thinkin'...

about stealin' L.T.'s Porsche
over there.

But I suppose I ought to be movin' on
before I get you in trouble with your mama.

Well, Mr. Coach Klein said that
what Mama don't know won't hurt her.

So maybe we could
ride home together.

- Really?
- If you'd like to.

[Giggling]
Okay.

[Man]
Who got the hooch?

# Who got the hooch
Baby #

# Who got the only
sweetest thing in the world #

- # Who got the hooch, baby #
- [Snoring]

# Who got the only
sweetest thing in the world #

# Who got the love
Who got the freshy freshy #

# Who got the only
sweetest thing #

- # In the world ##
- [Braying]

You can sit down,
if you'd like.

[Braying Continues]

Vicki Vallencourt,
I figured...

'cause you're interested in astrology
and mystical stuff like that,

you might appreciate this.

That's water
from a glacier in Alaska.

It-lt was blessed
by a-an Eskimo medicine man.

- It's cold!
- Yes, it's always cold. That's why it's so special.

That-That was...
That-That-That-That happened...

That-That happened to be
my-my first time with-with lips...

and-and-and-and-and
and-and-and-and-and the-the tongue.

That was your tongue.
L... I believe it was...

I never did that before.

Well, if that was
your first kiss,

then I bet it's the first time
you've seen a pair of these.

Yes, yes, that is
a-another first for me,

and I-I appreciate what-what-what
you're showin' me right now.

[Snoring Continues]

Vicki-Vicki Vallencourt,
I-I think Mama's up.

[Mumbling]
Devil, devil, devil.

You better get goin'.

My God, Bobby, I mean, sometimes,
I just don't know why I bother with you.

You ain't even a man.

[Announcer] It looks like
the Cinderella S.C.L.S.U. Mud Dogs,

led by linebacker
Bobby Boucher,

are gonna fall one victory short
of that Bourbon Bowl bid.

Iowa could win the game
by nailing this 20-yard field goal.

Yeah, but the Mud Dogs have played
a sensational football game.

Let's take a look at the way Boucher
entered the Hawkeyes' last drive.

Let's take a look at the way Boucher
entered the Hawkeyes' last drive.

Here we see Boucher
instantly penetratin' the pocket.

[Grunting]

There's a lot of pain
and shame in those eyes.

Friends, it's all over.

- [Man] My leg!
- Wow, that is a disturbing image.

Difficult to watch, Chris.
[Exhales]

Whoo! My God!

Gonna kick some names
and take some ass!

Bobby!

Water sucks.
Gatorade is better.

- What?
- Use it on the field.

[Crowd Chanting]
Waterboy, Waterboy, Waterboy!

Gatorade not only quenches your thirst
better, it tastes better too, idiot.

You're-You're-You're drinkin'
the wrong water.

- Gatorade.
- H2O.

- Gatorade!
- H2O!

# Water sucks, It really, really sucks
Water sucks #

- # It really, really sucks ##
- Stop saying that. You don't mean that. You're bad people.

[Bobby Whimpering]

- [Cheering]
- [Announcer] And my friend, Chris,

the Mud Dogs are goin'
to the Bourbon Bowl.

With yesterday's come-from-behind
victory, the S.C.L.S.U. Mud Dogs...

earned a New Year's Day date with Red
Beaulieu and the Louisiana Cougars...

in the first annual
Bourbon Bowl.

But not only has the waterboy
changed S.C.L.S.U.'s fortunes,

he's got other teams looking
around the sidelines for talent.

In fact, yesterday, Michigan,
devastated by injury,

experimented with their towel boy
at wide receiver.

- [Groaning]
- But the towel boy ran into a laundry list of problems.

[Cheering]

You know, when I see
so many of you here tonight,

it reminds me just about how special
this season really was.

Not just for the team.

Not just for the students.

But for each and every
one of you...

in our small corner
of Louisiana!

- [Cheering]
- You can do it!

Oh, yes, we can,
and, yes, we will.

Because we've got...

a young man who has been
so vital to our success.

A wonderful student-athlete.

And a wonderful friend.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Bobby Boucher!

## [Band]

- [Together] Waterboy, number one!
- You can do it!

Thank you so much...

for bein' my friends.

- [Crowd Cheering]
- You can do it!

I'd also like to take
this opportunity...

to tell you that my mama
don't know how I play football,

so if-if you could not tell my mama I-I play football,
that would be for the best.

[Cheering]

## [Band Resumes]

[Horn Honking]

We must be a little lost. We're tryin'
to get to the Bourbon Bowl.

Looks like we ended up
in Retardville, U.S.A.

Hey, Waterboy, you fixin'
to tackle all of us?

- Kick his water-lovin' ass, Greg.
- I asked you a question, dumb ass.

You even exhale,
and I will saw your head off.

You can do it!
Cut his fucking head off!

Hold it, hold it. Just a minute.
Now what is the problem here, honey?

I mean, whatever it is,
we don't want this to get physical.

Right, Klein?

[Vicki] Yeah, well, your team actin'
like a bunch of shitheads.

This is not how ambassadors for the
University of Louisiana are supposed to act.

So now you just get back on the bus.
[Chuckling]

However,
assault with a deadly weapon,

very, very serious offense.

Officer, get her
little country ass outta here.

- [Crowd Murmuring]
- Thank you, Vicki.

Let's go.

Ah! It's the waterboy!

I got something for you.

This is his transcript from
South Lafayette High School...

in Cherokee Plains,
Louisiana.

Now the problem with that...

is there ain't no South Lafayette High
School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana.

- So obviously, this is a fake!
- [Crowd Gasping]

However, this is not a fake.

This is from the N.C.A.A.

They don't think you ought
to play football no more.

So allow me to say this to you
one more time:

You're fired.

Oh, no!
We suck again!

Ever see a championship ring?

- Don't be messin' with the champ. Come on, Laski.
- You didn't go to high school?

I was home schooled.
I-I didn't know I needed...

- Forged a fake transcript.
- No, no, I-I-I didn't.

- The waterboy's a cheater. Cut his head off.
- [Crowd Agreeing]

Listen, everybody!
This don't change nothin'!

We played as a team,
we won as a team.

And just because
the waterboy's a cheater,

don't change the fact
that the real Mud Dogs...

are gonna kick
some Cougar ass.

Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!

[Together] Mud Dogs!
Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!

Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!
Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!

Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!
Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs!

- That's the way!
- [Cheering]

Sorry, Bobby.

# Oh, what a lonely boy #

Believe me,
I-I understand.

Yeah, and you're
deeply appreciated, Mr. Dodd.

Thank you so much.
Bye-bye.

Good news, Bobby.

- The N.C.A.A. is gonna allow you to play in the Bourbon Bowl.
- Yes.

You just have to pass the high school
equivalency test.

It's not the test, Coach.

Everybody hates me.

That's not true.

One man said he wanted
to decapitate me.

Nobody else thought that
to be too bad of an idea.

Somebody made me
look like a-a-a cheater.

I did it. I did it. I did it!
I did it! I did it!

- It was me.
- Why?

Because I wanted you to play.
Because you were my way out, Bobby.

'Cause it was the only way
to get you in.

I am so sorry.

Why didn't you s-stick up for me
down by the river?

The truth is, I fled.

I came into my office,
I went under my desk, I cried.

I cried. I cried
like a ten-year-old girl!

[Groaning]

Red and I have a history.

Twenty years ago,
we were assistants to Coach Cavanaugh...

at the University
of Louisiana.

Red ran the practices,
and I used to come up with the plays.

Oh, boy, was I good.

I would write these foolproof plays
in my little green notebook that I had.

- The opposition didn't even know what hit 'em.
- [Door Knocking]

And when Coach Cavanaugh
was going to retire,

me and Red, we just knew that one of us
was gonna be his successor.

## [Disco]

- Hey, Red.
- How ya doin'?

Come by to wish me luck?

Well, not exactly, no, no.
Actually, I come by to get you to do ol' Red a little favor.

Sure. What's up?

Well, you know that green notebook you
use to write all them football plays in?

Well, I need to show Cavanaugh that
I can come up with some good play ideas.

But you didn't come up
with them.

They're my plays.
I need them.

Klein, I'm gonna have
this book one way or another,

so you might as well let the damn
thing go, 'cause if you don't,

it's gonna get awfully,
awfully physical around here.

And I don't think
you want that, do you? Huh?

[Cackling]

Of course, Red got the job.
Next day, fired me.

Once he had my notebook,
he didn't need me anymore.

I didn't take it very well.

No, Grandma,
I didn't get it.

I can't believe it myself.

I know.
I'm so numb.

I just hate him,
I hate him, I hate him.

That is a terrible story, Coach.

- But why-why don't you just come up with some new plays?
- I tried.

- I can't.
- Yes.

I guess I have a mental block, you know,
ever since Red took my playbook and my manhood.

I knew what he was gonna do!

And I just didn't fight back.

Well, you're gonna show him
that you're a man on Saturday.

And I'm gonna show everybody
that I'm not a dummy.

I'm gonna go study.

Mama, maybe you could stop brushin'
my hair so I can read.

Read?

You don't have to read.

- What you readin' for?
- 'Cause I enjoys it, Mama.

Don't look like to me you enjoys it,
sittin' there all grouchy.

Mama, I gotta read this book and six other books tonight,
or else I can't play foot...

ball.

Fool's ball? You playin'
the fool's ball behind my back?

The only reason I'm doin' this
so, so I can go to school.

School? You goin' to school?
[Screams]

- [Steve Braying]
- Sorry, Mama. I wanted to tell you.

You off gallivantin' with your fancy
fool's ball friends at school,

while I'm sittin' here all day with nobody to keep me company,
except Steve?

The chickens are comin' home
to roost, Bobby Boucher.

You reap the fruit
of your selfish ways.

You're gonna lose all your
fancy fool's ball games...

and you're gonna fail your big exam,
because school is...

- The devil?
- [Gasps]

Everything is the devil
to you, Mama!

Well, I like school,
and I like football!

And I'm gonna keep doin' them both
because they make me feel good!

And by the way, Mama,
alligators are ornery...

because of their
medulla oblongata!

And I like Vicki,
and she likes me back!

And she showed me her boobies,
and I liked them too!

The Louisiana High School
Equivalency Examination...

consists of 300
multiple choice questions.

You have three hours.
Good luck to you, sir.

[Knocking On Window]

# Well, I was born
in a small town #

# And I live
in a small town #

# If I could die
in a small town #

# Or the small communities #

Ben Franklin.

Mama, when did Ben Franklin
invent electricity?

That's nonsense!
I invented electricity.

Ben Franklin is the devil!

I can't believe
you got a 97!

I-I-I can't believe
that I-I-I told Mama...

that I got feelings for you.

Well, welcome to your manhood,
Bobby Boucher.

When we get a little more time,
I'll welcome you properly.

Yes, once again, I'm not quite sure
what that means, but...

- [Siren Wailing]
- You know, we should get goin'.

I told the coach that
I'd drive to the game with him.

[Tires Screeching]

I was with you from two to four
last night. You-You tell them.

- [Brakes Screech]
- [Car Door Opens]

Bobby, your mama got sick this mornin'.
She's in the hospital.

Mama, what have I done?

I'm so sorry, Mama.

Doctors say... they can't figure out
what's wrong with her.

But I know what's wrong.

She got a broken heart
because of me.

Bobby, that's ridiculous.

Everybody else in this town
turn on me at the drop of a hat.

Mama is the only one who really cares
if I live or die.

She my whole world.

Will you just
leave us alone?

She'll be fine, Bobby.
We better get going.

God knows what the team is doing
with just Farmer Fran watching them.

- [Shouting, Indistinct]
- ## [Rock]

[Woman On P.A.,
Indistinct]

# Everybody parties
on the New Year's Eve #

- You really made it look like home.
- # Waiting for the countdown #

# Make a lot of promises
they never keep #

# Party with the lights on #

- How's that, Steve?
- [Brays]

# Holding a glass
of champagne #

- # Everyone having fun #
- [Steve Braying]

# Trying to get out
of the rain #

# Everybody parties
on the New Year's Eve #

# Party with the lights on #

Take a look. The crowd has
never been bigger. You know why?

- Look who's on the television, Mama.
- [TV Continues]

The devil.

500,000 intimate...

# Party on New Year's Eve #

- # Tell me what to see #
- [No Audio]

# The peak of
the holiday season #

- # Everything's all right with me #
- Who there? Who there?

# Bringing in a new year ##

[Crowd]
Three, two, one!

- Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year, Mama.

- ## ["Auld Lang Syne"]
- My resolution is to never hurt you again.

[Snoring]

# Should auld acquaintance
be forgot #

- # And days of auld lang syne ##
- [Crowd Chanting] Waterboy! Waterboy!

Waterboy! Waterboy!

[Cheering]

Bobby Boucher, all these folks
are here tonight...

to tell you that
they're sorry...

that they're sorry
for not supportin' you...

when it meant the most.

But you do have friends,
and one of 'em wants to say somethin'.

Come on.

I am not what you
would call a handsome man.

The good Lord chose not
to bless me with...

with charm, athletic ability
or a fully functional brain.

You see,
you're an inspiration...

to all of us who,
who weren't born handsome...

and charming
and cool and...

[Sobbing]

- I can't! I can't!
- It's okay.

Bobby, if your mama
could only hear us right now,

we would tell her...

what a fine boy she raised,

and how much your playing football
means to this town.

But she can't hear you,
'cause she's unconscious.

I'm sorry
to disappoint you all,

but please keep
your voices down...

so my mama
can get her rest.

[All Groaning]

Well, wake her ass up!
We gotta win tomorrow!

[Woman On P.A.,
Indistinct]

Mama! Thank God, you're okay.
I'm so sorry.

I was so bad, Mama.
You were right about everything.

- I've been a real knucklehead.
- Oh, hush, baby.

You should've seen this
a long time ago.

Oh, my word!

- Is that my daddy?
- No, no.

That's a guy I dated
before I met your father.

Oh, you could iron
a shirt on his stomach.

Well, that was lust, not love.
Turn the page.

There's your daddy.

- So handsome.
- Oh.

Read on.

"Dear Helen."
Who's Helen?

That's my first name, Bobby.

Ohh!

"I have arrived here
in New Orleans.

"It is even more beautiful
than in the picture books.

"I'm sure I'll have
no problem finding work,

"so you can expect my next letter
to contain lots of money.

Your loving husband, Robert."

That's nice, Mama.

"Dear Helen."
That's you.

"I found a job
as a lemonade vendor,

"but sorry,
no money yet.

"New Orleans is
an expensive city.

"Expensive, but fun.
Hope all is well.

Robert."

"To Whom It May Concern:

"This will be my last letter.

"We have grown apart
over these last six weeks.

"I now have
two loves in my life:

"big-city livin' and
a voodoo woman named Phyllis.

Ciao, Roberto."

He changed his name
to Roberto.

I guess he thought
it was more exotic.

But Mama says that...
I mean, you say that...

Bobby, your daddy didn't
go into no Peace Corps.

He deserted us, baby.

No, no, Mama.
You-You...

You shouldn't be dredgin' up these
painful memories in your condition.

Oh, hush. Your mama's
as healthy as an ox,

and as dumb as one to boot.

I was so scared
you'd abandon me too.

And I made you abandon
all those people who depend on ya.

I hid you away from the world,
Bobby Boucher.

But I can't hog you
to myself no more,

because everyone's seen
how wonderful you are.

- Oh, Mama!
- Now.

You go play fool's ball
with your friends.

[Man] Welcome to ABC's coverage
of the Bourbon Bowl.

Good afternoon, everybody. I'm Brent Musburger,
along with my colleague, Dan Fouts.

And the big story here, Dan, is a game
that's lost some of its luster...

without its star player,
the waterboy Bobby Boucher.

You know, Red's got a couple
of solid early rounders out there.

I know, but I really wanted to scout
that waterboy. Reminds me of Greg Lloyd.

- Naw. "Hack" Thomas.
- Whatever.

- Is she ready?
- [Clattering]

Oh, yeah.
She's more than ready.

Come on, Bobby!
You'll miss the boat!

Let's go, ladies.

[Whistle Blowing]

[Musburger]
We are underway!

The opening kickoff
is a beauty!

Holdsworth is gonna bring it out
from nine yards deep.

- Come on.
- [Grunting]

- Yeah!
- [Grunting, Groaning]

Dan, they're showing no respect
for this team without Boucher.

[Fouts] Good reason, Brent.
109 yards untouched.

- [Cheering]
- Touchdown, Cougars! They strike first.

[Yelling, Shouting]

- [Whistle Blowing]
- Time running down in the first quarter.

Cougars lead is 17-0.

Set!

Three! Thirty-three!

- [Growling]
- Three! Thirty-three! Hut!

Dan, that quarterback can't even
get the ball off before he's hit.

It's as if they're in
the offensive huddle with him.

- [Laughing]
- [Muttering]

Are you gonna finish
that hot dog, Jimmy?

Ugh! Now I'm not.

[Bobby] Mama, you think
we'll make it on time?

Hang on! I'll show you what
A.J. Foyt taught me.

[Musburger] That's the end of
the half. The Cougars are dominating.

Let's hope the Mud Dogs
can make some adjustments.

- Well, they better, 'cause they suck.
- Mm-hmm.

Anybody got an idea?

Hey.

- Remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake?
- [Chuckling]

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

How about the time he tackled
the guy from Louisville...

- and threw him into the stands?
- [All Laughing]

Y'all remember when he intercepted
the ball and his pants fell off?

And then he ran for
the touchdown, bare-assed.

Remember the time Bobby...
[Mumbling Incoherently]

Remember when Bobby Boucher showed up at
halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl?

[Cheering, Shouting]

Hey, sorry about givin' you
so much shit this year.

You're the heart and soul
of this team, Bobby.

Ain't one of us could've
passed that test.

Thank you all so much
for being my friends.

Well, let's wait till later to hold hands and kiss.
We got a Bowl game to win.

- Right?
- [All Together] Yeah!

- Two, three!
- [All] Mud Dogs! Woof!

[Musburger]
In a dramatic turn of events,

Bobby Boucher
just arrived at halftime.

And on a fan boat, Brent. His mother
drove him right into the stadium.

[Players Shouting,
Hooting]

[Crowd Chanting]
Waterboy! Waterboy!

Waterboy! Waterboy!

Waterboy! Waterboy!

Fool's ball's
not for the devil.

It's for my Bobby.

Time to open up
some whoop-ass.

[Cheering, Chanting
Continues]

Shit, he showed up.
All right, look.

Just relax. Relax. Go in there and
do exactly like we planned. Go, go, go!

This could be the start
of some high drama, folks.

Or are the Mud Dogs
too far behind?

Bobby Boucher
is on defense.

- The Cougars are coming out from their own 20 yard line.
- [Quarterback] Hut! Hut!

The pitch.
It's a reverse!

Boucher's not fooled.

Fumble!
Robideaux's got it!

Touchdown, Mud Dogs!

[Growling]

- Boy, Boucher knocked the poop out of him.
- "Poop"?

[All Shouting]

Slap hands!
Slap hands!

Drink up, now. I want you girls to
sober up. Have faith in my Bobby.

[Musburger] The Mud Dogs are
faced with yet another third and long.

- Hut!
- Grenouille back to pass.

He's gonna be stuffed again!
And the Mud Dogs offense is still unable to move that ball.

But the way their defense is fired up,
they still have a shot at winning this game.

Blake, come here. Look.

Now, what if we, uh...
[Whispering]

Trust me. Go, go, go, go, go.
[Evil Laughter]

[Musburger] The Cougars lead 27-7 in
the middle of the third quarter.

- And he takes a knee?
- [Whistle Blows]

- Y'all gonna play or what?
- [Chattering]

[Laughing]
How do you all like my new offense?

[Musburger]
All right, it's second and 12...

- as the Cougars line up on the ball.
- Hut! Hut!

[Whistle Blows]

What is Red Beaulieu doing,
refusing to play offense?

- Dan, this is bizarre.
- [Dan] No, it's not, Brent.

It's brilliant, because Red is
taking the waterboy out of the game.

By kneeling down
three times and punting,

he's gonna make the Mud Dog
offense try to beat him.

And the way they're playing
today, that's impossible.

[Musburger] Well, the Mud Dog's
most valuable player,

the linebacker they call "the Waterboy,"
is now powerless.

That means Coach Klein will have
to find another way to outfox Red.

- [Whistle Blows]
- [Man] Mud Dogs call a time-out.

- [Cheering, Indistinct]
- Mr. Coach Klein. Mr. Coach Klein!

Mr. Coach Klein!

- Where are you going?
- I was just gonna get a hot pretzel.

Mr. Coach Klein, are you afraid
of Red Beaulieu?

[Laughing, Shouting]

I am petrified of him.

Well, why don't you pretend
that Red Beaulieu...

is somebody that
you're-you're not afraid of.

- Pretend?
- Yes.

Visualize somebody
you're not afraid of.

- And then attack, like you told me.
- I'll try.

Well, he's right over there.

[Chuckling]

Little baby.

Yeah.

Hello, little baby.
[Baby Talking]

A poo-poo?
Do you have a poo-poo?

Yes.

Okay. Now.

This is what we're gonna do.
He's gonna come here...

[Chattering, Shouting]

Come and get
this one, Cougars.

Red, 22! Hike!

[Musburger]
Snap to Grenouille. A reverse!

No, it's a double reverse!
Oh, what a block!

And Boudier springs free!

Trouble! Lateral!
Got him! What a play!

Grenouille to the 15!
To the 10! To the 5!

- Touchdown, Mud Dogs!
- [Fouts] Well, well, well.

I guess Coach Klein does have
a few tricks up his sleeve after all.

What the hell...
What the hell is this? Huh?

We go from a championship
football team to a bunch of dogs!

Right now, we're going to go down to
the sidelines and our man, Lynn Swann.

Swannie, what do
you have for us?

I'm with Vicki Vallencourt,
who's taking over...

Bobby Boucher's water duties
for this important game.

Oh, I'm not takin' over.
I'm just tryin' not to screw up too bad.

Well, let me ask you this.
What's your prediction for the rest of this ball game?

Mud Dogs are gonna win,
30 to 27.

That's very interesting.
How'd you come up with that guess?

Guess? That ain't no guess!
That's what it's gonna be.

- Okay. That's fine.
- Oh! Be careful down there, Swannie.

All right.
Meaney. Where's Meaney?

- Meaney?
- Here, Coach.

- Get in there and let's see if that waterboy can stop you.
- Yes, sir!

Red is sending his best defender in
as a running back?

What do you make of this, Dan?

Well, Brent, he's gotta find
some way to neutralize the waterboy.

He probably thinks that Meaney will just pound
it in there like Fridge used to do for the Bears.

Hey, Waterboy! Is your girlfriend
gonna save you again?

Oh, no, sir. I'm gonna take matters
into my own hands.

- You'll see.
- Bridge the hole! Your ass is mine! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

You sound like a...
a big choo-choo train.

Whoo!
[Groans]

Power bomb, compliments
of Captain Insano.

# Fight, fight, fight
with your might ##

All right, field goal.
Field goal. Go.

- Derek. Derek!
- Yeah.

Visualize the attack.
Go kick the ball. Kick it.

- Hut!
- [All Grunting]

How you doin', boy?
[Laughing]

No, no, no!
[Screaming]

[Cheering, Shouting]

[Whimpering]

[Players Shouting,
Indistinct]

What the hell is that?

Where the hell is... What the hell
is he up to? That ain't in here! Huh?

- [Cheering]
- Hey!

[Musburger]
Down by ten late in the fourth quarter,

Coach Klein
opts for the field goal.

[Fouts] Then they have to hope for the
onside kick and a touchdown to tie the game.

Dan, look what we have here.
Boucher's in the game as a blocker.

Last game of the year, Brent.
Can't hold anything back now.

Set!

The snap. It's a fake!

Boucher's out in front!
A great block!

- [Grunting]
- And a second one!

Touchdown, Mud Dogs!

- Boucher led him all the way!
- [Screaming] Yeah!

Red Beaulieu
is steaming, Dan.

Brent, he sees his
perfect season slipping away.

The Cougar's lead
is down to three.

[Cheerleaders Cheering,
Indistinct]

The Mud Dogs need the ball back if
they're gonna have a shot at overtime.

And Bobby Boucher is
now on the kickoff team.

- Last game of the year, Brent. Can't hold anything back now.
- I know.

- [Horns Blaring]
- Who's it gonna be?

Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?

[Chuckling]
Oh, yeah. There's my bitch.

[Musburger] Remember,
the ball must travel ten yards.

It's loose!

- Mud Dogs football! Mud Dogs football!
- All right!

Mama, I got the football!
I got it...

Oh, what a vicious hit!
That was a cheap shot.

- Oh!
- [Murmuring]

- [Whistle Blowing]
- [Fouts] And what a dumb penalty.

That puts the Mud Dogs
in field goal range for the tie.

- Dan, I'm not sure that Boucher is able to get back up.
- Oh, my baby!

It's still cold.
[Chuckles]

- [Chattering]
- Excuse me. Out of my way.

Dan, you hate
to see this happen.

Now, that's
high quality H2O.

- [Cheering]
- [Vicki] Come on, now! Make it happen, Bobby!

The waterboy
just needed some water.

- Wow, Dan. You think that up all by yourself?
- Shut up, Brent.

- [Shouting, Yelling]
- Are you okay?

He tried to open up a can
of whoop-ass on me. I wouldn't let him.

Listen, I have an idea for the last
play. You haven't done this before.

All right? The offense
is gonna line up like this.

- Yeah.
- You're gonna be right here.

[Musburger]
There'll be no tie here today.

Coach Klein is sending
his offense back on to the field.

He's going for
the win right now.

[Fouts] Yeah, this is
a real gutsy call, Brent.

He'll either be a hero
or a goat because of this.

[Musburger] And Dan,
Bobby Boucher is back on the field.

He is now playing offense!
We know. We know.

Meaney, if they give
that Waterboy the football,

I don't care if you
have to stab him!

Do not let him get away.
Do you understand me?

- Yes, sir. Yes, sir!
- Do you understand me? Get in there!

[All]
Break!

- I'm ready, friend.
- Let's do it, Bobby.

Set! Set!

Forty-three! Set!
Forty-three! Hut, hut!

Touchdown! They win it!
The Mud Dogs win it!

Bobby Boucher's the hero! He's gone
from waterboy, Dan, to saviour!

And it's because he didn't
hold anything back!

Well, Swannie's down on the field
with our hero, so let's go to Lynn now!

We did it! I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!

- Vicki, I love you!
- Whoo! I love you too, baby.

We're the champions!
[Screaming]

Mr. Coach Klein, you got your manhood!
You got your manhood!

Bobby, congratulations.
You're the M.V.P. of the Bourbon Bowl.

How do you feel?

- I love Mama!
- [Cheering]

Lookin' sharp, Bobby!

[Man]
You the man, Bobby!

Bobby, I've been dreading
this day for a long time.

- But you got yourself a fine woman.
- Oh, thank you, Mama.

Good luck, son.

This is the best day
of my life!

You just wait till tonight.

- What's gonna happen tonight?
- [Chuckles] You'll see.

You can do it!
You can do it all night long!

[Cheering, Shouting]

I'm gonna go do it!

- [Tires Screech]
- Bobby, it's me!

- Your daddy, Roberto.
- Daddy?

I've seen you on the ESPN when they was
talkin' about you being drafted by the NFL.

Not going to the NFL.
I'm gonna stay in school and graduate.

The hell with school, dopey! Take the
money! You and me could be partners,

- just like that Tiger Woods and his daddy.
- [Mama Screaming]

- Uh-oh.
- [Screaming]

- [Grunting]
- [All Gasping]

[Crowd Cheering]

- Nice hit, Mama.
- Thanks, baby.

Now, you go on and have
some fun becoming a man.

# I don't remember
what day it was #

# I didn't notice
what time it was #

# All I know is that
I fell in love with you #

# And if all my dreams
come true #

# I'll be spending time
with you #

# Every day's a new day #

# In love with you #

# With each day
comes a new way #

# Of loving you #

# Every time
I kiss your lips #

# My mind starts to wander #

# And if all my dreams
come true #

# I'll be spending time
with you #

# I love you more today
than yesterday #

# But not as much as tomorrow #

# Oh, I love you more today
than yesterday #

# But darling, not as much #

# As tomorrow #

# Tomorrow may see springtime
just a day away #

# Day away #

# Cupid, we don't need you now
Be on your way #

# On your way #

# Thank the Lord
for love like ours #

# That grows ever stronger #

# And if all my dreams
come true #

# I'll be spending time
with you #

# Oh, I love you more today
than yesterday #

# But not as much as tomorrow #

# Oh, I love you more today
than yesterday #

# But darling, not as much #

# As tomorrow #

# Every day's a new day #

# Every time I love ya #

# Every way's a new way #

- # Every time I love ya #
- # Every day #

- # Every day's a new day #
- # Every day #

- # Every time I love ya #
- # Every day #

- # Every way's a new way #
- # Every day #

# Every time I love ya #

- # Every time I love ya #
- # Every day #

# Every day #

- # Every time I love ya #
- # Every day #

# Every day #

- # Every time I love ya #
- # Every day #

# Every day ##