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1
00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:05,362
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
2
00:00:05,397 --> 00:00:09,288
to mourn the passing of Alice Heston,
Richie Valentine and Mitch Ennis,
3
00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:10,847
as we knew them.
4
00:00:11,037 --> 00:00:14,883
And to usher in a new era
of sound, sensible responsibility.
5
00:00:14,957 --> 00:00:20,123
And, as such, we commit these relics
of their past lives to the ground.
6
00:00:20,277 --> 00:00:22,086
Richie, if you would, the bongo drums.
7
00:00:22,157 --> 00:00:24,000
The bongo drums.
8
00:00:24,077 --> 00:00:26,557
Oh! The place where
we hid all the drugs.
9
00:00:28,837 --> 00:00:32,478
R.I.P LSD and E,
10
00:00:32,557 --> 00:00:36,118
rot away, MDMA and special, special K.
11
00:00:40,437 --> 00:00:42,724
The contents of our drinks cabinet.
12
00:00:45,917 --> 00:00:49,603
Advocaat, ouzo, retsina,
B?n?dictine
13
00:00:51,717 --> 00:00:53,207
My little black book.
14
00:00:53,517 --> 00:00:56,361
All the wildly irresponsible men
I've ever shagged,
15
00:00:56,597 --> 00:00:58,440
and who will not be around my baby.
16
00:00:58,757 --> 00:01:00,088
You're throwing out all your men?
17
00:01:00,157 --> 00:01:02,728
No, it's my little black book,
not my big black book.
18
00:01:04,277 --> 00:01:08,327
Guys, I am just so touched. I cannot
believe you're doing all this for me.
19
00:01:08,437 --> 00:01:10,485
Princess, we are with you all the way,
20
00:01:11,277 --> 00:01:15,566
through the back pain, the breast pain,
the constipation, the dizziness.
21
00:01:15,637 --> 00:01:20,199
The heartburn, the haemorrhoids,
the swelling, the itching.
22
00:01:20,277 --> 00:01:24,726
The leeching and bleeding,
breath like death.
23
00:01:24,797 --> 00:01:26,526
- No, no. Let's crack on.
- What?
24
00:01:26,717 --> 00:01:28,287
Yes.
25
00:01:28,357 --> 00:01:32,521
Forever and ever. Amen
26
00:01:51,637 --> 00:01:54,368
- All right, grenade!
- Ahh! Ooh!
27
00:01:54,437 --> 00:01:56,678
Pause it, pause it, pause it.
All right, are you ready?
28
00:01:57,277 --> 00:01:58,324
Uh-huh.
29
00:01:58,397 --> 00:02:00,445
You go in, you take out the insurgents
and you leg it.
30
00:02:00,517 --> 00:02:03,168
Yep. Keeping in tight formation
and trying not to shoot the children.
31
00:02:03,237 --> 00:02:05,604
- God, I love you.
- Yeah, let's go.
32
00:02:05,677 --> 00:02:09,159
Isn't it great? Our really sticking to
the resolution of sorting our lives out.
33
00:02:09,237 --> 00:02:10,648
- Oh.
- Oh, they're flanking.
34
00:02:10,662 --> 00:02:12,152
Ahhh!
35
00:02:12,622 --> 00:02:14,590
Right, watch out for the snipers.
36
00:02:14,782 --> 00:02:16,625
- Hello?
- There, there, there, left.
37
00:02:22,702 --> 00:02:24,352
Oh, reload, reload.
38
00:02:24,422 --> 00:02:25,912
- Alice.
- What?
39
00:02:30,862 --> 00:02:32,023
Hi, Mum.
40
00:02:34,582 --> 00:02:35,663
Hmm.
41
00:02:36,982 --> 00:02:40,589
Hey. Made you a tea. I'll put it here.
42
00:02:41,742 --> 00:02:43,631
Richard? Richard!
43
00:02:44,822 --> 00:02:45,948
Oh.
44
00:02:46,382 --> 00:02:48,510
- How bad was it?
- Bad.
45
00:02:49,062 --> 00:02:50,552
She's asking me for dinner.
46
00:02:51,462 --> 00:02:55,233
It is, I quote, "A catch-up and a laugh
for just us girls."
47
00:02:55,312 --> 00:02:57,041
Alice, I'm so sorry.
48
00:02:58,552 --> 00:03:01,078
Oh, I've just had this worry
about the whole pregnancy thing.
49
00:03:01,152 --> 00:03:03,632
It probably hasn't even occurred to you,
50
00:03:03,912 --> 00:03:07,041
- but I'm just a bit scared in case...
- You turn into your mother.
51
00:03:07,112 --> 00:03:08,477
Exactly.
52
00:03:08,552 --> 00:03:10,236
Because she's just so...
53
00:03:10,312 --> 00:03:13,680
Superficially fun, but deep down
destructive and manipulative.
54
00:03:15,472 --> 00:03:17,839
Alice, you'll never turn
into your mother.
55
00:03:17,912 --> 00:03:20,279
You're genuine fun and nice.
56
00:03:20,672 --> 00:03:26,042
If you were a stick of rock, it would
say, "amazing" all the way through it.
57
00:03:26,112 --> 00:03:28,956
If she were a stick of rock,
it would say,
58
00:03:29,512 --> 00:03:32,482
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."
59
00:03:34,552 --> 00:03:39,160
It's just... Most people have
a planned pregnancy with one person.
60
00:03:39,272 --> 00:03:41,593
I'm having an unplanned pregnancy
with two
61
00:03:41,672 --> 00:03:44,403
and I cannot rely on my mother
for anything.
62
00:03:44,472 --> 00:03:46,873
I'm counting on you two for so much.
63
00:03:46,952 --> 00:03:49,159
Well, I've got a surprise for you,
64
00:03:49,232 --> 00:03:52,873
which is gonna make you feel
very supported and very happy.
65
00:03:52,952 --> 00:03:54,442
Really?
66
00:03:54,912 --> 00:03:56,676
Richie, drum roll, please.
67
00:03:57,792 --> 00:03:59,123
Oh!
68
00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:02,636
Ta da!
69
00:04:02,712 --> 00:04:04,840
- What is it?
- The travel system.
70
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,314
- The travel system?
- Yeah.
71
00:04:07,392 --> 00:04:10,123
You said get a travel system,
so here it is.
72
00:04:10,312 --> 00:04:12,599
In that little box?
73
00:04:12,672 --> 00:04:14,720
I think it's quite a big box.
74
00:04:16,072 --> 00:04:17,801
Oh, honey.
75
00:04:18,552 --> 00:04:19,838
A travel system is a pram.
76
00:04:21,112 --> 00:04:26,039
A big, posh pram with all the trimmings,
bits that fold out, bits that flip down,
77
00:04:26,112 --> 00:04:29,559
carry cot, travel seat, nappy changer
in one, that's a travel system.
78
00:04:30,027 --> 00:04:31,153
What've you got in there?
79
00:04:31,949 --> 00:04:33,280
Not a satnav?
80
00:04:33,695 --> 00:04:35,140
Oh, God.
81
00:04:36,747 --> 00:04:39,070
Okay, so how do I explain this to her?
82
00:04:39,096 --> 00:04:41,237
Our three-way, daddy-mummy-daddy setup.
83
00:04:41,316 --> 00:04:42,706
We need the well-spun version,
all right?
84
00:04:42,789 --> 00:04:44,637
It's still fundamentally true,
85
00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:47,155
but in which we don't come out
as drug-crazed perverts.
86
00:04:47,229 --> 00:04:48,874
On account of our drug-addled threesome?
87
00:04:48,893 --> 00:04:52,261
No, no, you see,
it's more about the language.
88
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:56,657
We weren't... We weren't drug-addled
we were just tired and emotional.
89
00:04:56,773 --> 00:04:59,822
We didn't have a threesome,
we were just...
90
00:04:59,893 --> 00:05:02,214
You know when politicians lie
and they say they misspoke?
91
00:05:02,293 --> 00:05:04,797
Well, we just misfucked. Hmm?
92
00:05:04,877 --> 00:05:06,208
- Yes.
- Done.
93
00:05:06,717 --> 00:05:09,084
- A tired and emotional misfuck? Yeah.
- Mmm.
94
00:05:09,157 --> 00:05:12,718
I mean, that will look so much better
on the nursery application.
95
00:05:15,432 --> 00:05:17,480
- Give it time.
- Useless.
96
00:05:28,712 --> 00:05:30,999
All right, I know our plan
was to buy a pram,
97
00:05:31,112 --> 00:05:34,195
but we do seem to have walked
into some kind of tank shop.
98
00:05:34,872 --> 00:05:37,876
I mean, this one's bigger
than my first flat,
99
00:05:37,929 --> 00:05:40,500
and it's slightly more expensive.
100
00:05:41,129 --> 00:05:43,291
Well, look, guys,
whatever I do decide to tell Mum,
101
00:05:43,369 --> 00:05:46,478
I'm gonna have to road test it
on somebody else first.
102
00:05:46,483 --> 00:05:48,087
Hello, can I help you?
103
00:05:51,963 --> 00:05:53,169
Yes.
104
00:05:54,043 --> 00:05:56,967
Myself and my fianc?
are looking for a pram,
105
00:05:57,043 --> 00:06:00,525
- for I am having a baby.
- Congratulations. Congratulations.
106
00:06:00,603 --> 00:06:03,652
No. No, no.
No, no, he's not the fianc?, I am.
107
00:06:03,723 --> 00:06:06,249
I am so sorry.
Of course, you're the father.
108
00:06:06,403 --> 00:06:08,974
No, no. Actually, that'd be me.
109
00:06:09,883 --> 00:06:11,373
- You're the...
- Yeah.
110
00:06:12,723 --> 00:06:14,930
- But he's...
- He's our best friend.
111
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:16,769
I'm infertile.
112
00:06:17,403 --> 00:06:20,566
Oh, I see. So, you're like a donor?
113
00:06:20,723 --> 00:06:23,647
No, we had a threesome.
114
00:06:24,243 --> 00:06:26,530
It was my birthday.
115
00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:28,731
Surprise!
116
00:06:28,843 --> 00:06:31,653
- 'Cause Richie's gay, normally.
- Still am.
117
00:06:31,723 --> 00:06:33,327
He loves being gay.
Uh-huh.
118
00:06:33,403 --> 00:06:37,374
I mean, I think that's what
made it such a... such a treat.
119
00:06:37,443 --> 00:06:38,569
Mmm.
120
00:06:39,923 --> 00:06:43,644
And to be fair, and in our defence,
we were smashed off our heads on E.
121
00:06:43,803 --> 00:06:45,134
- Yeah.
- So...
122
00:06:45,843 --> 00:06:46,890
That went well.
123
00:06:46,963 --> 00:06:49,250
Yeah, I think I'm gonna wait a while
before I tell Mum.
124
00:06:49,363 --> 00:06:51,764
- How long?
- About 18 years.
125
00:06:51,843 --> 00:06:54,084
What? Hang on, hang on.
What am I gonna be called?
126
00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:55,369
Called what? About what?
127
00:06:55,443 --> 00:06:58,925
Well, you're the father,
you're the mother, so what am I?
128
00:06:59,083 --> 00:07:00,733
Well, you're... You're...
129
00:07:02,443 --> 00:07:04,366
Well, how does it work
with adopted kids?
130
00:07:04,443 --> 00:07:07,049
You got... You got
the biological father and...
131
00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:13,170
I got it. The love father.
132
00:07:13,323 --> 00:07:14,813
Oh, love father.
133
00:07:15,163 --> 00:07:16,494
The love father?
134
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:19,368
Oh, brilliant, yeah, love father.
135
00:07:19,443 --> 00:07:21,172
We're gonna have a fucked-up kid.
136
00:07:24,283 --> 00:07:26,490
We can always Google it
when we get home.
137
00:07:26,563 --> 00:07:28,884
Have a little Google.
138
00:07:28,963 --> 00:07:30,124
Stop.
139
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:35,486
Oh, I wish I could help,
140
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,291
but I'm carrying
the precious gift of life inside me.
141
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,682
Congratulations, mate,
serious bargain you got here, eh?
142
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,367
You mean cheap, don't you? Cheap Mitch
and his cheap flat-pack furniture.
143
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:50,407
Hey, selected with love
for our baby's nursery. Thank you.
144
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,322
So what am I gonna tell my mother?
145
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,923
Probably not best
to tell her about the baby at first,
146
00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,161
breaking the bad news.
147
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,402
- What's the bad news?
- You're marrying me.
148
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,527
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
149
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:06,082
And promise me, just promise me,
you'll keep her at the restaurant.
150
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:07,810
You know, I don't want her coming round.
151
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,486
And swear to me
that she will not stay over.
152
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,803
Well, no, she can't. Because remember
we broke the spare bed, didn't we,
153
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,723
when we were hot desking with our sex.
154
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:19,846
Yeah, I'm still gonna put garlic
around the doors though.
155
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:25,886
Hot stuff coming through.
156
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,042
Oh, it's Mr Michael,
what a charming restaurant.
157
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,168
Is that the fish? Yeah?
I don't eat fish.
158
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,846
But I can smell the wine list,
that's a good start.
159
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,763
What the hell do you think
you're doing sitting there
160
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:38,083
with absolutely no champagne whatsoever?
Waiter!
161
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,487
A bottle of Veuve and two straws.
Only joking.
162
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:41,891
Not about the Veuve.
163
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,008
- Alice.
- Hey, Mum.
164
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:47,402
Oh, it's just... It's just I'm not
really drinking at the moment.
165
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:48,970
I didn't hear that.
166
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:52,806
For you. It's native to Tenerife.
I dug it out of the garden.
167
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:56,441
Oh, you really must come and stay,
my lovely. The villa is so beautiful.
168
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,522
And I know that no one has
any money any more,
169
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,602
but they just don't
understand tax over there.
170
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,967
And the sun is always shining
and the boys are so beautiful,
171
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,166
you'd love it.
172
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,810
I already have a beautiful Mitch.
173
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,009
Mitch, that's what
we'll call the cactus.
174
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,801
It looks a bit like him,
stubbly, lumpy, limited conversation.
175
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,211
Only joking.
176
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,569
That's lovely,
and the same again for her.
177
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,847
Only joking.
178
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,843
You've put on some weight, dear.
179
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,291
Thank you.
180
00:09:22,733 --> 00:09:26,419
You say you go in.
Will you get in there? Get in there.
181
00:09:26,493 --> 00:09:28,700
Get in there. Get in there.
182
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:30,578
All right? Eh?
183
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,815
All right, you're gonna help then?
Here you are, screwdriver.
184
00:09:32,893 --> 00:09:34,957
Right, screwdriver, right. What's that do?
- It drives in screws. - Is it doing it now?
185
00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:41,599
Don't play the gay card
to get out of doing anything.
186
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,931
Oh, oh! I've been plenty busy,
I'll have you know, right?
187
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,126
Okay?
188
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,211
Lego Taj Mahal, my man. Yes!
189
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,691
It's taken me weeks.
190
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:59,240
It's David Beckham's
favourite Lego set. Hmm.
191
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,971
Hey, it's Lego Taj Mahal,
my man, what's not to love?
192
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,362
Put it on the side, something to
look at. Make a clever baby.
193
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,130
- Hey! Whoa, whoa!
- Hey.
194
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,489
Maybe somewhere
a bit more... bit more sturdy.
195
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,248
Yes. Yes.
196
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,841
This is Lego Taj Mahal we're talking
about here, my man.
197
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,321
It would be a crime to break that,
understand me?
198
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,327
- Hmm? A crime!
- A crime.
199
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,484
Hmm? You...
200
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,809
Shit. You...
201
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:30,646
Watch that.
202
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,365
I'm so glad that wasn't me.
203
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:33,881
Oh, no.
204
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,128
- Oh, no.
- What?
205
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,124
- Oh, no.
- What?
206
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,848
- Oh, no.
- What? What?
207
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:42,285
Oh, no.
208
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,091
I didn't know it was there,
I swear I didn't.
209
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,241
No, no, no.
210
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,642
No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no!
211
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,688
- Yeah.
- No, no, no.
212
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,524
'Cause now we're only gonna have to
go and drink it.
213
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:54,965
Yes.
214
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,045
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
215
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,885
Terry's Chocolate Orange counts
as one of your five a day?
216
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,731
No, I'm thinking I want drugs.
217
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,885
We can't have drugs because we buried
the drugs, Richardly.
218
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:16,970
I've had an idea.
219
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:21,921
And before you start judging me,
just think about it.
220
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,804
I'm thinking, I'm not judging.
I'm thinking, I'm not judging.
221
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,091
Free the drugs.
222
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:34,971
Free the drugs!
223
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,162
And this is the sunset on
"Los" something or other
224
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:47,129
or "La" something or the other.
225
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:51,290
Here's your father, sunhat-less,
lobster red and potbellied.
226
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,169
What an intoxicating combo.
227
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,521
And this is Miguel, or was it Manuel?
228
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,807
Terrible waiter, every order wrong.
229
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,008
But with trousers that tight,
you could tell...
230
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:04,642
Swear to me that she
wife' not stay over.
231
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,964
You drank that very quickly.
Better order another bottle.
232
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,166
Waiter!
233
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:13,845
Alice.
234
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:18,080
Richie, she's got a bag.
I think it's an overnight bag.
235
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,242
How big is an overnight bag?
236
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,049
It's not a big bag, but it's a bit big.
237
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,491
I'm thinking overnight.
238
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,642
I mean, it's easily big enough
for gin and a toothbrush.
239
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:26,767
She's gone for a wee.
240
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,882
'Big bag, big gin.
Big bag.
241
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,246
Big bag, Richie.
242
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,084
I mean, poor Mitch, I promised him.
243
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,770
Hang up, hang up, hang UP...
244
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,171
Shit, she's coming back. I have to go.
245
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,330
She hung up.
246
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,048
- Who the hell's Big Jim?
- Gin, gin.
247
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:42,968
I don't want to be a burden,
so I was thinking,
248
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:45,247
two nights with you
and then I'll go to Aunty Pat's.
249
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:49,370
Oh, Mum, I only wish you could,
it's just that our spare bed's broken.
250
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,130
There's the floor, isn't there?
251
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,526
You'd sleep on the floor?
252
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,404
There's Mitch and there's the floor.
253
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,124
No, Mum, no.
254
00:12:56,200 --> 00:13:00,603
You can't have Mitch's spot.
Just stop being so...
255
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:01,806
How's Richie?
256
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,363
- Or, how's Mitch?
- I'm sure he's fine.
257
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,323
- How's Richie?
- No, Mum,
258
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,209
ask me how Mitch is.
259
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:09,646
How's Mitch?
260
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:11,726
Amazing.
261
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,921
Mum, there's something
that I have to tell you.
262
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,762
It's really good news, uh,
263
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,286
but the thing is, um...
264
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,962
Well, the thing that we did
to make the news happen
265
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:30,246
is a little bit difficult
to find the words to describe politely,
266
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:31,805
the thing that we did.
267
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,645
Why don't we both get desserts,
order one extra,
268
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,405
and have ourselves
a naughty, three-way splurge?
269
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,204
Oh, I'm buzzing, babe.
270
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:43,810
Oh, I'm buzzing, buzzing.
271
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,447
I've got to do something.
272
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,966
I've got to do something.
Nervous energy. Hmm.
273
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,486
Richie, I've got it, redemption.
274
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:53,086
How do we turn the bad thing
into a good thing?
275
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:58,007
Richie, we put up all the
flat-pack furniture on drugs!
276
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,731
Genius, yes!
277
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,890
It's like using drugs
as a force for good.
278
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,485
Let's do it.
279
00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:22,359
Richie!
280
00:14:24,118 --> 00:14:25,529
Yes!
281
00:14:40,598 --> 00:14:42,009
Amazing.
282
00:14:42,558 --> 00:14:45,084
I feel like we've been montaged.
283
00:14:45,678 --> 00:14:47,726
What about all those bits?
284
00:14:48,438 --> 00:14:50,725
Uh, that's traditional.
You never need all the bits.
285
00:14:50,798 --> 00:14:53,768
- It's a rookie mistake to even try.
- Hmm.
286
00:14:54,238 --> 00:14:57,526
You are the perfect fiance,
do you know that?
287
00:14:57,838 --> 00:15:01,968
- Why can't I ever meet a gay you?
- Ah, you wouldn't like a gay me.
288
00:15:02,038 --> 00:15:04,200
I'd love a gay you.
289
00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:07,725
- Maybe you could be bisexual.
- No way, no way.
290
00:15:07,798 --> 00:15:11,120
Ah, there's no such thing as bisexuals.
291
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:13,087
It's just a fairy tale
gays tell their mothers
292
00:15:13,158 --> 00:15:15,729
when they first come out
to give them hope.
293
00:15:15,798 --> 00:15:18,324
Plus, there's all that
going down on arse business.
294
00:15:18,398 --> 00:15:20,082
I wouldn't fancy arse.
295
00:15:20,158 --> 00:15:23,128
It's all right. It's like Marmite.
296
00:15:23,198 --> 00:15:24,848
What, you either love it or you hate it?
297
00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:27,484
No, it tastes like Marmite.
298
00:15:27,878 --> 00:15:28,925
Oh.
299
00:15:28,998 --> 00:15:30,682
Hey, boys, I'm home.
300
00:15:30,798 --> 00:15:32,641
- Shit, Alice.
- Let's go.
301
00:15:32,718 --> 00:15:34,766
Wasted.
302
00:15:34,838 --> 00:15:36,681
Gum. Chew gum, chew gum.
303
00:15:40,958 --> 00:15:42,767
Ow.
304
00:15:42,838 --> 00:15:45,603
We're calm, we're clear, we're minty.
Go, go, go.
305
00:15:52,198 --> 00:15:54,200
Lorraine.
That's Lorraine.
306
00:15:54,278 --> 00:15:56,679
Oh, what a surprise.
What a lovely surprise.
307
00:15:57,198 --> 00:15:59,246
- You see?
- Mum, stop it!
308
00:15:59,318 --> 00:16:02,959
I'm just appreciating
the local flora and fauna.
309
00:16:03,038 --> 00:16:04,881
Only joking. Here.
310
00:16:07,278 --> 00:16:08,359
Yeah.
311
00:16:08,438 --> 00:16:11,601
Right, nobody move,
I'm going to go and fix my face.
312
00:16:14,038 --> 00:16:15,449
Lovely boy.
313
00:16:16,838 --> 00:16:19,239
- What the fucking shit of hell?
- I'm so sorry.
314
00:16:19,318 --> 00:16:21,798
I couldn't tell her I was pregnant,
so I thought I'd bring her back here
315
00:16:21,878 --> 00:16:25,041
and we can all break it to her gently,
no big shocks. I'm so sorry.
316
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,648
Dirty bastard!
317
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,723
And just one more thing.
318
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,289
- Me and Mitch are getting married.
- Oh, for God's sake.
319
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,888
And a grandmother. I can't be!
320
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,566
- All my friends think I'm 50.
- You are 50.
321
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,011
What?
322
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,129
Mitch, how could you be so selfish?
323
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,441
Don't they teach contraception
in the provinces?
324
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,522
Me? Selfish?
325
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,648
Well, for your information, Lorraine,
I'm not...
326
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,643
Ah, ah, ah.
327
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,009
I love this guy.
328
00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:15,807
Why don't you go upstairs
and finish tidying the nursery?
329
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,928
Hmm?
330
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,129
You haven't thought this through.
331
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,170
If he's the father of your child,
I'm going to have to like him.
332
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:27,969
How could you do this to me?
333
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,970
- Richie?
- Hmm.
334
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,731
A word in the kitchen/diner.
335
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,645
Yeah. Lovely!
336
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,405
It's all about Richie, isn't it?
337
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,050
Well, I've got news for you, Lorraine...
338
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,289
What if we tell her that Mitch is
the father, just for a little bit.
339
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,050
That's not mad, is it?
I mean, that's not mental.
340
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,203
Chewing gum in the throat.
341
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:55,242
On a scale of one to
oh-my-God-you-mentalist!
342
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,369
I think you've hit the treble Britney.
343
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:08,569
Mum, Mitch is a hugely
constructive force in our lives.
344
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,882
He's the glue that holds us together.
345
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,047
Everything he touches is better for it.
346
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,489
Oh! Yes! Yes!
347
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,767
Cheap flat-pack furniture
tried to kill me.
348
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,324
My Taj Mahal.
349
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:43,921
Oh.
350
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,291
I saw my life flash before my eyes
351
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:01,885
and not much happened.
352
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,883
I'm just gonna go check on Richie.
353
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:07,965
I think he's taken it pretty hard,
the fall of the Lego Taj Mahal.
354
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,362
Why do you hate me so much?
355
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:23,365
Hate is a very strong word.
I prefer "intensely dislike".
356
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,291
Well, this is gonna make
your day, Lorraine.
357
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:31,727
I'm not the father of Alice's child,
Richie is.
358
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,323
Thank God! Richie's the father.
359
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,687
We had a threesome, Alice's birthday.
360
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,728
Richie is the father.
361
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,043
Yeah, and that's got me thinking,
so what am I, then?
362
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,963
Well, and now I know.
363
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:48,966
I'm the daddy.
364
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,046
We'll both be the dads,
Richie and me together.
365
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,050
And I'm marrying your daughter,
366
00:19:55,800 --> 00:20:00,567
who I love brighter than
the Sun and the stars
367
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,166
and the Sun again.
368
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:07,245
And if you don't like it,
then there's the door, Lorraine.
369
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,569
There's the door.
370
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,331
'Cause me and Alice, we're shining.
371
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,405
And throw in Richie,
372
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,209
and that is one lucky, lucky baby.
373
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,040
Finally, there's a proper parent
in the room.
374
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,089
Alice, you're not ready to have a baby,
you'll never cope.
375
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,645
I'm not having it on my own.
376
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,371
You're raising a child in a threesome?
377
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,681
Good God, it's so Jeremy Kyle.
378
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,843
Actually, Lorraine,
I think it could work.
379
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,726
With Mitch?
380
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,282
I don't understand.
Just tell me, what's so great about him?
381
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:39,725
My Mitch?
382
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:45,682
Lorraine, Mitch is quite simply
the Daddy.
383
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,411
And that's how I know
I'm never gonna turn into my mum,
384
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,171
'cause we got something
my mum never had,
385
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,447
the ultimate support system.
386
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,490
We've got two daddies,
387
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,370
who had whisky and drugs
when they swore they wouldn't,
388
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,010
trampled mud all over the floor,
389
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:11,801
and deserve to be on their
hands and knees cleaning up, don't they?
390
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:13,965
Both daddies!
391
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,008
Oh, Chuck Norris did it.
392
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:21,362
Ah, I'm allowed that one.
Guilt tripping for two now.
393
00:21:21,412 --> 00:21:25,962
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