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1
00:00:09,020 --> 00:00:10,060
Oh! Wallet.
2
00:00:10,060 --> 00:00:12,340
Daddy, I got the job!
What job? Your job, actually.
3
00:00:12,340 --> 00:00:14,580
Maybe you could get
a job for your dad, Jamie.
4
00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:17,020
I'm sacking you.
5
00:00:17,020 --> 00:00:19,660
So are you and Laura all, you know?
No. They're not together.
6
00:00:19,660 --> 00:00:21,780
I have to go, I can't be late for
college again.
7
00:00:21,780 --> 00:00:26,460
Sorry, is raising your child getting
in the way of achieving your
8
00:00:40,111 --> 00:00:42,231
I may as well be on my own
for all the help you are.
9
00:00:42,231 --> 00:00:44,751
Do you realise how hard this is?
10
00:00:44,751 --> 00:00:45,951
You've got it easy.
11
00:00:45,951 --> 00:00:47,391
I'd love to spend all day with her,
12
00:00:47,391 --> 00:00:49,511
but I have to go to college
and work.
13
00:00:49,511 --> 00:00:51,191
Oh, that must be tough.
14
00:00:51,191 --> 00:00:54,631
All that not listening in lessons
and hanging around in a toy shop.
15
00:00:54,631 --> 00:00:57,271
It's a damn site harder
than swanning around a massive house
16
00:00:57,271 --> 00:00:59,231
with supportive parents
and a cleaning lady.
17
00:00:59,231 --> 00:01:00,431
Supportive?
18
00:01:00,431 --> 00:01:02,951
Mum's about as supportive
as your average evil stepmother
19
00:01:02,951 --> 00:01:05,911
and Dad's no use. What are you
talking about? He's here all day.
20
00:01:05,911 --> 00:01:09,111
Yes, he's here all day smashing
things and hurting himself,
21
00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:10,231
leaving the gas on.
22
00:01:10,231 --> 00:01:13,351
You've still got a cleaner.
She only comes alternate Thursdays.
23
00:01:13,351 --> 00:01:15,231
Oh, well, bloody hoody hoo!
24
00:01:15,231 --> 00:01:18,111
Someone call the Social Services,
Laura's running out of butlers.
25
00:01:18,111 --> 00:01:20,711
You have no idea, you wouldn't last
a day. I absolutely would
26
00:01:20,711 --> 00:01:22,831
and I wouldn't moan about it either.
27
00:01:22,831 --> 00:01:26,511
Fine, OK. Let's see how you get on
when you have a whole day of it.
28
00:01:26,511 --> 00:01:28,071
How about this Friday? OK, fine.
29
00:01:28,071 --> 00:01:30,831
Fine. Friday it is, then. Don't
wriggle out of it. I won't!
30
00:01:30,831 --> 00:01:32,791
Daddy's going to show
Mummy up, isn't he?
31
00:01:32,791 --> 00:01:35,911
Because, unlike Mummy,
he can multitask.
32
00:01:35,911 --> 00:01:37,911
Failing at two things
isn't multitasking.
33
00:01:37,911 --> 00:01:41,351
I won't fail,
because I'm a super mum.
34
00:01:52,791 --> 00:01:54,831
The packet says it's stuffed
full of raisins,
35
00:01:54,831 --> 00:01:58,911
but I can only find
six in this whole bowl.
36
00:01:59,911 --> 00:02:02,271
You think you're maybe
stagnating at all, Keith?
37
00:02:02,271 --> 00:02:03,471
How do you mean?
38
00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:06,231
I'm worried your job search
may have lost its momentum.
39
00:02:06,231 --> 00:02:08,551
It's tough out there, San,
there's hardly any jobs
40
00:02:08,551 --> 00:02:10,191
and loads of qualified candidates.
41
00:02:10,191 --> 00:02:11,751
Get creative with your abilities.
42
00:02:11,751 --> 00:02:13,791
What? Lie?
43
00:02:13,791 --> 00:02:17,391
Absolutely.
Fake it till you make it.
44
00:02:17,391 --> 00:02:19,871
And I'm going to support you
a lot more.
45
00:02:19,871 --> 00:02:24,391
Ah, cheers, San. Hey, if you just say
front us like...a hundred quid.
46
00:02:24,391 --> 00:02:25,991
No, not with money, Keith.
47
00:02:25,991 --> 00:02:29,071
Think of me more as a life coach.
48
00:02:29,071 --> 00:02:33,071
So, basically, you're going to
be on my case all the time? Yeah.
49
00:02:33,071 --> 00:02:35,391
How is that different
from what you usually do?
50
00:02:35,391 --> 00:02:39,951
I believe in you, Keith, I believe
in your ability to find a job.
51
00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:41,991
Do you? And more to the point,
52
00:02:41,991 --> 00:02:47,111
I believe in my ability to make your
life a living hell until you do.
53
00:02:49,271 --> 00:02:51,591
Laura thinks looking
after a baby's hard work,
54
00:02:51,591 --> 00:02:53,271
but she's just not that organised.
55
00:02:53,271 --> 00:02:56,351
I'll look after Emily,
quick feed, a little playtime
56
00:02:56,351 --> 00:02:58,671
and then, she'll have a nap
whilst I do a bit of revision
57
00:02:58,671 --> 00:03:00,031
for my re-sit on Monday.
58
00:03:00,031 --> 00:03:01,751
You mean Friday.
59
00:03:01,751 --> 00:03:03,711
No, I mean Monday.
60
00:03:03,711 --> 00:03:06,151
Monday's an INSET Day.
61
00:03:06,151 --> 00:03:07,271
Teacher training.
62
00:03:08,831 --> 00:03:10,151
It's a day off.
63
00:03:10,151 --> 00:03:13,071
Yes! Arrh, shit!
64
00:03:13,071 --> 00:03:16,111
It's all on the notice board.
I never look at the notice board.
65
00:03:16,111 --> 00:03:18,351
Where is the notice board?
66
00:03:18,351 --> 00:03:21,831
It's fine, I'll get my dad
to look after her.
67
00:03:21,831 --> 00:03:23,591
No. Why not?
68
00:03:23,591 --> 00:03:25,111
He has to focus on his job search.
69
00:03:25,111 --> 00:03:26,471
I can do both.
70
00:03:26,471 --> 00:03:30,471
You are a man who gets distracted by
raisins, Keith, you're not doing it.
71
00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:32,911
Look, I've got an exam.
It's really important.
72
00:03:32,911 --> 00:03:34,271
Could you take the day off?
73
00:03:34,271 --> 00:03:35,591
No, of course I can't.
74
00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,831
You're my parents,
you're supposed to be helping.
75
00:03:37,831 --> 00:03:41,951
We are helping. I'm giving you
a valuable lesson in self-reliance.
76
00:03:43,191 --> 00:03:44,471
And what's Dad doing?
77
00:03:44,471 --> 00:03:48,271
He's demonstrating what happens
when you don't get a good education.
78
00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:50,751
See? There's a message in there
somewhere.
79
00:03:50,751 --> 00:03:54,191
Just... Just talk to Laura,
she'll understand.
80
00:03:55,231 --> 00:03:56,631
I doubt that.
81
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:05,151
You look smart.
82
00:04:05,151 --> 00:04:07,271
Mum's set me up with
a work placement at a law firm.
83
00:04:07,271 --> 00:04:09,951
I thought since you're going to blow
me out the water as a mother,
84
00:04:09,951 --> 00:04:12,511
that I might have a go at being
the breadwinner.
85
00:04:12,511 --> 00:04:16,591
So, you'll be gone all day, then?
86
00:04:16,591 --> 00:04:19,711
That's not a problem, is it,
Supermum? No.
87
00:04:19,711 --> 00:04:22,591
Got it all covered.
All about planning.
88
00:04:22,591 --> 00:04:27,111
Mm. Good, although I assume you've
not mastered lactating yet.
89
00:04:28,591 --> 00:04:30,631
I've expressed enough
to last the day,
90
00:04:30,631 --> 00:04:32,591
although you will need
to pick some nappies.
91
00:04:32,591 --> 00:04:34,111
Do you think you can manage that?
92
00:04:34,111 --> 00:04:35,351
No problem.
93
00:04:36,591 --> 00:04:38,231
We've got no problems at all.
94
00:04:49,551 --> 00:04:50,631
Yes.
95
00:04:50,631 --> 00:04:53,031
'So, Keith, do you have a job yet?'
96
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:55,831
No, look it's early days, Sandra.
I'm...
97
00:04:55,831 --> 00:04:57,071
'Are you watching telly?'
98
00:04:57,071 --> 00:04:59,711
No, I'm literally just about
to call another agency.
99
00:04:59,711 --> 00:05:01,271
'I seriously doubt that.'
100
00:05:01,271 --> 00:05:02,751
No, I am, I am.
101
00:05:02,751 --> 00:05:04,031
'Bollocks you are.'
102
00:05:04,031 --> 00:05:05,631
It's just you being on the line
103
00:05:05,631 --> 00:05:07,911
that's stopping me from calling them.
'Fine.'
104
00:05:09,191 --> 00:05:10,551
Hello?
105
00:05:18,591 --> 00:05:22,431
'Hello, Members Village.
Bobby speaking, shoot.'
106
00:05:22,431 --> 00:05:25,911
Hello, I'm just calling
about the job in the paper.
107
00:05:25,911 --> 00:05:27,751
'Right, what's your name?'
108
00:05:27,751 --> 00:05:29,671
Uh, Keith, Keith Prince.
109
00:05:29,671 --> 00:05:33,151
'Right, Keith, you got
experience at this sort of work?'
110
00:05:33,151 --> 00:05:36,631
Uh, yeah, yeah, I've had loads.
111
00:05:36,631 --> 00:05:38,351
Right, so you've seen the website?
112
00:05:38,351 --> 00:05:40,631
You know what we're about here,
at Members Village?
113
00:05:40,631 --> 00:05:42,271
Ahh, absolutely, yeah.
114
00:05:42,271 --> 00:05:46,151
No, I'm not the kind of man to go
for a job without any preparation.
115
00:05:46,151 --> 00:05:47,871
You've certainly got
the voice for it.
116
00:05:47,871 --> 00:05:49,791
It's like honey over river gravel.
117
00:05:49,791 --> 00:05:52,391
Right. 'You'd be amazed
how many people think'
118
00:05:52,391 --> 00:05:55,471
they can just jump in
and do sex chat off the bat.
119
00:05:56,991 --> 00:05:58,831
Right.
120
00:05:58,831 --> 00:06:05,711
Well, as I say, I am very
experienced at...sex...
121
00:06:05,711 --> 00:06:09,551
and chat. Yeah, I've definitely done
both of those. 'Right.'
122
00:06:09,551 --> 00:06:11,831
OK. So, what do you call yourself?
123
00:06:11,831 --> 00:06:13,591
Keith.
124
00:06:13,591 --> 00:06:15,991
What? That's your character name?
Keith?
125
00:06:15,991 --> 00:06:18,231
Yeah, keep it simple, you know.
126
00:06:18,231 --> 00:06:20,231
OK, my top northerner's just quit.
127
00:06:20,231 --> 00:06:22,271
He's gone off to tour
with the Jersey Boys -
128
00:06:22,271 --> 00:06:23,791
ungrateful little bastard.
129
00:06:23,791 --> 00:06:26,991
Ah, right, yeah, yeah. What a tit.
130
00:06:26,991 --> 00:06:28,471
So you fancy a crack at it?
131
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,431
I'm your man!
132
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,831
Sorry to dump her on you like this,
but I don't have any other choice.
133
00:06:33,831 --> 00:06:36,391
That's very flattering.
Are you saying you don't trust us?
134
00:06:36,391 --> 00:06:39,231
No, I trust you both,
especially Beth.
135
00:06:39,231 --> 00:06:41,871
Don't worry, I will treasure her.
136
00:06:41,871 --> 00:06:45,551
It will be like looking after a tiny,
female, little Jamie, won't it?
137
00:06:48,831 --> 00:06:52,471
OK, OK, keep her warm,
feed her,
138
00:06:52,471 --> 00:06:54,391
never let her out of your sight.
139
00:06:54,391 --> 00:06:57,151
Oh, and you'll need some
size-two nappies.
140
00:06:57,151 --> 00:06:59,711
Uh, you can keep your whale-choking
disposables,
141
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,511
I've bought washable
nappies with me.
142
00:07:01,511 --> 00:07:04,431
Oop, saving the planet,
one turd at a time.
143
00:07:04,431 --> 00:07:06,111
Ooh, I call shotgun.
144
00:07:06,111 --> 00:07:08,311
Shotgun? Yeah, I get to push
the pram.
145
00:07:08,311 --> 00:07:12,511
No, I'll push the pram. Why do you
get to push the pram? Because I know
146
00:07:12,511 --> 00:07:13,951
Just take it in turns.
147
00:07:13,951 --> 00:07:16,631
Now, if there's any problems,
give me a call
148
00:07:16,631 --> 00:07:18,151
and I mean any problems at all.
149
00:07:18,151 --> 00:07:19,951
Jamie, don't worry, we're not idiots.
150
00:07:19,951 --> 00:07:22,111
Well, I'm not an idiot.
151
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:36,660
Laura, how nice to meet you at last,
we're very pleased to have you.
152
00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:38,380
Yes, so pleased.
153
00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:40,700
Thank you very much
for the opportunity, Olivia.
154
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,820
I'm glad to hear Janet's
back in practice.
155
00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:44,620
She's a hell of a litigator.
156
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:47,580
Oh, yes, Mum is...
157
00:07:47,580 --> 00:07:49,020
something else.
158
00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:52,460
Oh, I didn't realise there was a
connection. No CV required from you.
159
00:07:52,460 --> 00:07:54,580
Fiona will be babysitting you today.
160
00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:57,820
Actually, I've still got
some prep to do
161
00:07:57,820 --> 00:07:59,700
for your 1pm with Richard Dunbar.
162
00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:02,780
Well, now you can have some help.
How wonderful.
163
00:08:02,780 --> 00:08:05,500
In fact, Fiona... Mm?
164
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:08,580
..have Laura sit in on the meeting.
A pretty girl in the room
165
00:08:08,580 --> 00:08:10,660
never hurts with
that lecherous little sod.
166
00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:20,300
I see you're taking a year off.
167
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:27,060
Yes. I thought I'd pick up some
real-world skills before university.
168
00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:29,460
So you have no skills
in the real world.
169
00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:32,020
No, I have lots, but...
170
00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:34,980
So you're doing
a year of what exactly?
171
00:08:35,980 --> 00:08:37,340
Well, um...
172
00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:43,940
Child development is an area
that I have been involved in.
173
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,500
And how is that relevant?
174
00:08:46,620 --> 00:08:48,980
I thought it might help
with family law.
175
00:08:50,380 --> 00:08:51,660
Will it? No.
176
00:08:55,060 --> 00:08:56,380
Coffee.
177
00:08:56,380 --> 00:08:59,060
Oh, yes, thank you, I'd love one.
178
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:03,420
Oh, you want me to make the coffees?
179
00:09:03,420 --> 00:09:05,980
Look on it as a real-world skill.
180
00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:10,820
'You are logged in.'
181
00:09:12,020 --> 00:09:14,740
OK, come on, Keith, sexy chat.
182
00:09:14,740 --> 00:09:18,300
Come on, you can do this,
sexy chat, sexy chat.
183
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:19,940
It's just, "Hey, what's
your name..."
184
00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:22,340
Oh! OK...
185
00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:25,900
Hello there.
186
00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:28,100
'Well, hello to you
too.'
187
00:09:29,180 --> 00:09:31,060
That's a bit of a nasty
cold you got there.
188
00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:32,780
'I don't have a cold.'
189
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,500
All right, well, you've got
a naturally husky voice then,
190
00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:37,220
that's...that's very sexy.
191
00:09:37,220 --> 00:09:38,340
'Thank you.'
192
00:09:38,340 --> 00:09:40,780
It's quite deep too.
Don't suppose you're a heavy smoker.
193
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:42,500
'Can we just get on with this?'
194
00:09:44,180 --> 00:09:45,660
You're a man, aren't ya?
195
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:48,620
'Look, I'm paying three quid
a minute for this.
196
00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,620
'Now, what's your body like?'
197
00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:53,420
Oh, wow, sorry, mate. I think there's
been a misunderstanding.
198
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,980
Are you standing by a washing
machine? 'No!'
199
00:09:58,020 --> 00:10:00,580
Oh, no, sorry. Look, mate,
I am just like a normal...
200
00:10:00,580 --> 00:10:03,500
I'm like a straight bloke. I didn't
realise it was this kind of...
201
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:06,820
I'm a married man, just hang up.
'No, no, wait, we're in the street,
202
00:10:06,820 --> 00:10:09,220
'behind the bar
where we've just met.'
203
00:10:09,220 --> 00:10:12,500
Nope. I'm just walking past, I'm not
getting involved. 'Yes, you are,
204
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:14,900
'and you want it. Ooh.' I don't,
I don't, I'm just at home
205
00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:18,140
and I'm just going to watch some
telly, probably going to get an early
206
00:10:18,140 --> 00:10:19,900
Do you know what I mean,
get me head down?
207
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:21,660
'Oooh, that's good!' What?
208
00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:23,820
'Take it. Take it!' Take what?
209
00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:25,820
'Oh, yes!' No. Don't...
210
00:10:25,820 --> 00:10:28,980
'Oh! Oh!' God... 'Oh, yeah!
Oh! Yeah!'
211
00:10:31,820 --> 00:10:34,100
'Call duration, one minute
and 14 seconds.'
212
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,540
Aargh!
213
00:10:37,980 --> 00:10:39,300
No!
214
00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:44,900
Here we go.
215
00:10:48,260 --> 00:10:50,340
No. No?
216
00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:52,740
I've obviously started
you on too high a level.
217
00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:56,420
Beth, get off, it's my turn.
218
00:10:56,420 --> 00:10:58,180
All right, just be careful.
219
00:10:58,180 --> 00:11:00,220
What makes you feel
I'm not going to be careful?
220
00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:03,300
The fact you were making engine
noises as you ran down the last
221
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:04,580
I was doing it for the baby.
222
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:05,900
Which one?
223
00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:09,620
What's the matter, out of gas?
224
00:11:09,620 --> 00:11:10,980
She's too quiet.
225
00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:13,620
That's what a sleeping baby
sounds like. Don't disturb her!
226
00:11:13,620 --> 00:11:16,540
Yes, that's also what a dead baby
sounds like. I just, I want to check.
227
00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:19,460
No, don't wake her, Mike!
Beth, I'm pushing the pram,
228
00:11:19,460 --> 00:11:20,860
I'm in charge of her.
229
00:11:20,860 --> 00:11:22,940
Yes, but I'm in charge of you.
Now, stop...
230
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,940
You've upset her now.
You've upset her.
231
00:11:25,940 --> 00:11:27,700
You did. You did!
232
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:29,260
Look, this isn't going to work out.
233
00:11:29,260 --> 00:11:31,580
No, I completely agree,
I think we should split up.
234
00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:34,620
Yeah, for the sake of the child
if nothing else, so...
235
00:11:36,060 --> 00:11:37,540
Why do you get custody?
236
00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:38,860
Cos I'm her closest relative.
237
00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:40,540
What the hell are you talking about?
238
00:11:40,540 --> 00:11:42,180
Me and Jamie are like brothers,
239
00:11:42,180 --> 00:11:44,980
you're like a weird cousin
or family pet.
240
00:11:46,900 --> 00:11:51,140
OK, OK, let's be civil about this.
241
00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:52,740
We'll share custody.
242
00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:54,260
15 minutes each.
243
00:11:54,260 --> 00:11:55,500
Fine.
244
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:58,940
I'm glad you decided to be
mature about all this.
245
00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:00,460
I get first go, I called it!
246
00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:30,060
Laura?
247
00:12:30,060 --> 00:12:31,180
Are you in here?
248
00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:38,180
What are you doing in there?
249
00:12:38,180 --> 00:12:40,660
Nothing. I just, um...
250
00:12:41,900 --> 00:12:43,460
Nothing.
251
00:12:49,420 --> 00:12:50,900
Sorry. I just...
252
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:53,380
I need you to cover reception
for an hour.
253
00:12:53,380 --> 00:12:57,340
OK, well, it will make a nice
change from highlighting.
254
00:12:57,340 --> 00:12:59,540
Oh, that still has to be done,
bring it with you.
255
00:12:59,540 --> 00:13:01,020
Oh, but I...
256
00:13:01,020 --> 00:13:02,740
What?
257
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,740
You never heard of multi-tasking?
258
00:13:05,860 --> 00:13:09,020
Yes. No, I am familiar
with the term.
259
00:13:09,020 --> 00:13:11,500
Ahh, she's beautiful.
Thank you.
260
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,820
You and your partner
must be very proud.
261
00:13:13,820 --> 00:13:16,940
Oh, actually, no,
we're not together.
262
00:13:16,940 --> 00:13:18,700
She died.
263
00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:21,820
Oh, God. Yeah, awful.
264
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:25,300
It's been really difficult for me.
265
00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:27,660
And the mother, of course.
Of course.
266
00:13:27,660 --> 00:13:29,900
Oh, that's... Oh...
267
00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:34,020
You know, talking to you
about my feelings is really healing.
268
00:13:34,020 --> 00:13:37,220
Maybe we could go
for a coffee sometime?
269
00:13:37,220 --> 00:13:39,220
Ummm. There you are.
270
00:13:39,220 --> 00:13:40,980
I was so worried.
271
00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:43,060
Oh, no, Mike,
272
00:13:43,060 --> 00:13:45,500
you're not using our child to pick
up women again, are you?
273
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:47,380
I'm sorry,
I really don't know who this is.
274
00:13:47,380 --> 00:13:48,780
Um, she seems to know your name.
275
00:13:48,780 --> 00:13:52,660
You can't turn up and run off with
her, the courts were very clear
276
00:13:52,660 --> 00:13:55,140
He sells her clothes for heroin,
innit? I should be going.
277
00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:57,780
Can I get your number... Things
haven't been right between us,
278
00:13:57,780 --> 00:13:59,900
but I thought we were going to give
it another go.
279
00:13:59,900 --> 00:14:02,700
I mean, yes, you gave me all those
sexually transmitted diseases,
280
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:04,260
but I forgive you!
281
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,900
You're my baby father, yeah.
282
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:57,840
(Hello?)
283
00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,160
(Jamie, you need
to bring Emily here now.)
284
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,760
(Oooh, I don't think we can.
285
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,200
(We're having ice cream.)
286
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,400
(Don't! Don't give her ice cream.)
287
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,400
(Why do you need her anyway?
288
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,960
(We're fine, we're having fun.)
289
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,840
(My breast pump is buggered,
290
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:18,600
(and if I don't feed her soon,
I'm going to go off
291
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,320
(Can't you just wait?)
292
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,960
(No! Jamie, why are you whispering?)
293
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,240
(Because Emily's asleep.
294
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,000
(Why are you whispering?)
295
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,120
(Look, I'm going to text you
the address,
296
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,200
(just bring her here
in 20 minutes, OK?)
297
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,880
(Yeah, I don't think I can come.)
298
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:52,960
Hello.
299
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:57,400
'Keith, it's Bobby,
from Members Village. Good news.'
300
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:01,000
You got a five-star review for your
whole Northern family man thing.
301
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:05,400
Er, yeah, Bobby, I don't think
it's going to work out.
302
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,000
Are you kidding?
You could be the next Hardguy2000.
303
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:12,720
Don't think I want to be
the next Hardguy2000.
304
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,080
'Look, I tell you what,
I'm going to double your rate.'
305
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,280
I guarantee you ?50 an hour.
306
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:20,800
50 quid an hour? Don't talk daft.
307
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,880
Don't talk daft!
I mean, it's fantastic material.
308
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:25,760
'That's why you get the big bucks.
309
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,000
'Now, you get logged in
and start earning.'
310
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,400
Mm...
311
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,400
Yes, I know, I know,
312
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:37,000
but nasty disposable nappies
take a thousand years to degrade.
313
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,040
That's a long time.
314
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,920
Mike, come here.
315
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,000
Oh, no, I wouldn't want to intrude.
316
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,360
She's all yours
for another seven minutes.
317
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:52,280
Seriously, something is wrong,
she looks weird, just get over here.
318
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,400
Why's her face like that?
That's not right, is it?
319
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,240
Maybe she's sick. What do we do?
320
00:16:58,240 --> 00:16:59,880
I don't know, you're the in charge.
321
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:04,240
We are both in charge! Oh, right, so
now she's sick, we're both in charge.
322
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,480
She's stopped. Why has she stopped?
323
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:10,560
I don't know. Oh, my God, what
if she's cried herself to death?
324
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,320
They can't do that, can they do
that? I don't know.
325
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,280
You should pick her up.
326
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,400
You pick her up,
you're the one who killed her.
327
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,840
You were right here!
328
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,200
Yes, but it was on your shift.
329
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,520
Just pick her up
and check she's not dead.
330
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:28,400
Come on, Emily, please, please be
alive for your Uncle Mike.
331
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,200
Oh, yeah, good girl.
332
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:37,000
I think it was just wind.
That's what I said, it was just wind.
333
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,360
You never said it was wind.
334
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:40,280
Look, it was a fast moving
situation,
335
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,880
let's not get hung up
on who said what.
336
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:44,560
The main thing is she's OK.
337
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,720
That was horrible.
I thought she was...
338
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,840
I know, I know, don't even say it.
339
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,440
I'm so not ready for kids.
340
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,720
We got through it though, didn't we?
341
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,560
We're taking her home.
342
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:07,800
Yep.
343
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,920
Oh, oh, no, right, yeah.
344
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,920
That's interesting. I never though
about it from that angle. 'Aaah!'
345
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,320
Oh, and you're done. That's...
346
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,480
Hello?
347
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,560
Hello, caller, how are you?
348
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,120
Keith?
Oh, hiya, San, how are you doing?
349
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,560
Never mind how I'm doing,
have you got a job yet?
350
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:31,960
Uh, actually, I do,
I am now working in phone...sales.
351
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,520
'Ooh, right.'
352
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,960
Bloody hell!
353
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,880
I mean, not that I didn't think
you could. 'You know, actually,'
354
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,520
you're going to need to clear
the line, cos I've got work to do.
355
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,600
Oh, well, well done again.
356
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,040
Yep, yep. OK, I've got to go now.
Bye-bye.
357
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,400
Bye.
358
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,760
Come on, Keith, you bloody stallion.
359
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,000
Um, sorry to bother you,
360
00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,240
um, but could you take
Emily for a couple of hours?
361
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,240
Oh, um...I'd be delighted to.
362
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,840
Yes, shall I?
363
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,360
It's just we thought...
364
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:11,840
Yes, no, fine. Bye.
365
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:19,040
Well, then, somebody needs Granddad,
don't they?
366
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:21,600
And a new nappy too.
367
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,600
OK, there are no nappies left.
368
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,920
Umm, I don't mean
to panic you with this.
369
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,880
My problem, not yours.
370
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:38,040
And it's well within my capabilities.
371
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,480
What?
372
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,320
It is.
373
00:20:06,555 --> 00:20:07,875
I'm done.
374
00:20:07,875 --> 00:20:09,395
You're done? Yeah.
375
00:20:09,395 --> 00:20:11,475
On a paper you failed
three weeks ago,
376
00:20:11,475 --> 00:20:13,675
you're finishing it with 40 minutes
still to go.
377
00:20:13,675 --> 00:20:15,955
Been revising pretty hard.
378
00:20:24,315 --> 00:20:27,235
'Jamie if you don't
call me in the next five minutes...'
379
00:20:27,235 --> 00:20:29,675
'Jamie, what the hell are you doing?
Call me...'
380
00:20:29,675 --> 00:20:32,035
'Argh, that's it!
I'm going to kill you!'
381
00:20:36,315 --> 00:20:38,155
That is waterproof.
382
00:20:41,835 --> 00:20:44,275
That is absorbent, yes.
383
00:20:46,915 --> 00:20:49,755
And that...is parcel tape.
384
00:20:49,755 --> 00:20:52,435
Who needs nappies?
385
00:20:55,075 --> 00:20:58,075
Yes, and you shall go to the ball.
386
00:21:00,035 --> 00:21:03,315
I can't imagine why you ever
doubted me, to be honest.
387
00:21:03,315 --> 00:21:06,355
Right, time we made some
changes round here.
388
00:21:08,915 --> 00:21:10,355
Jamie, where have you been?
389
00:21:10,355 --> 00:21:12,395
Why the hell haven't you been
picking up?
390
00:21:12,395 --> 00:21:15,155
We've been busy getting ready
to come out and...
391
00:21:16,435 --> 00:21:19,595
..singing, haven't we, Emily?
392
00:21:19,595 --> 00:21:20,835
Yeah, she's smiling.
393
00:21:20,835 --> 00:21:21,995
Where are you?
394
00:21:21,995 --> 00:21:24,395
We're five minutes away.
We'll be there.
395
00:21:24,395 --> 00:21:26,195
You'd better bloody be there.
396
00:21:32,515 --> 00:21:34,195
I, I was just...
397
00:21:34,195 --> 00:21:35,875
No.
398
00:21:41,595 --> 00:21:44,115
Beth, where the hell are you?
399
00:21:44,115 --> 00:21:45,435
Nothing happened.
400
00:21:45,435 --> 00:21:47,235
I need you to bring Emily
to my house.
401
00:21:47,235 --> 00:21:48,595
I don't actually have her.
402
00:21:48,595 --> 00:21:50,035
Where the hell is she?
403
00:21:50,035 --> 00:21:52,235
Please don't tell me
you left her with Mike.
404
00:21:52,235 --> 00:21:54,755
Of course not, she's with Alan.
405
00:21:54,755 --> 00:21:56,715
Alan? Alan's not safe!
406
00:21:56,715 --> 00:21:58,035
Oooh.
407
00:22:00,635 --> 00:22:04,395
There, no more banged heads for you.
408
00:22:04,395 --> 00:22:09,235
Because believe me, Emily,
you do not want a banged head.
409
00:22:09,235 --> 00:22:10,515
Ooh!
410
00:22:12,275 --> 00:22:14,515
Too pointy. That's got to go.
411
00:22:17,155 --> 00:22:19,075
Where's my salesman of the month?
412
00:22:20,355 --> 00:22:21,715
Aha, yeah.
413
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:26,355
Oh, well that's a very interesting
question, very good question.
414
00:22:26,355 --> 00:22:30,075
I'll probably give them a little,
um...
415
00:22:30,075 --> 00:22:31,235
Yes.
416
00:22:33,035 --> 00:22:35,635
'Shake it all about,
slap it on your left buttock
417
00:22:35,635 --> 00:22:37,115
'and then, what I'm going to do
418
00:22:37,115 --> 00:22:39,355
'is I'm going to put it right back
in there.'
419
00:22:39,355 --> 00:22:41,555
You get that out of there right now.
420
00:22:41,555 --> 00:22:44,275
Oh, God, Sandra?
421
00:22:44,275 --> 00:22:45,395
'Who's Sandra?'
422
00:22:45,395 --> 00:22:47,835
That's my wife.
'Oh, God, that's hot.'
423
00:22:47,835 --> 00:22:51,595
Keith, what are you doing?
It is disgusting.
424
00:22:51,595 --> 00:22:53,235
'Yes, Keith, ooohh!'
425
00:22:54,395 --> 00:22:56,115
Oh!
426
00:22:56,115 --> 00:22:58,075
I can explain.
You can explain?
427
00:22:58,075 --> 00:23:02,475
You can explain why you're having
phone sex with a strange man.
428
00:23:02,475 --> 00:23:03,795
Yeah, it's my job.
429
00:23:03,795 --> 00:23:06,635
No, you work in sales.
430
00:23:06,635 --> 00:23:08,875
I do sex chat. I'm...
431
00:23:10,795 --> 00:23:12,635
I'm a sexy chatter.
432
00:23:12,635 --> 00:23:15,715
Oh, God. Oh, God, that's...
433
00:23:15,715 --> 00:23:17,075
Yeah, I know.
434
00:23:17,075 --> 00:23:21,395
And I'm going to stop. God, I want
to stop, like it's not worth it,
435
00:23:21,395 --> 00:23:22,955
not even for 300 quid a day.
436
00:23:22,955 --> 00:23:26,835
Damn right you'll stop.
God almighty, that's like...
437
00:23:26,835 --> 00:23:28,115
How much?
438
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:30,955
It's 300, I mean it's four
if I do evenings.
439
00:23:30,955 --> 00:23:32,075
But, no, you're right,
440
00:23:32,075 --> 00:23:34,875
there's no amount of money worth
degrading myself like this.
441
00:23:34,875 --> 00:23:37,595
No, no.
442
00:23:37,595 --> 00:23:41,315
I'm going to call them now,
have my name taken off the database.
443
00:23:41,315 --> 00:23:43,075
No, let's just think this through.
444
00:23:43,075 --> 00:23:46,875
I mean, it's not like you're having
actual sex with them.
445
00:23:46,875 --> 00:23:48,755
No, but I mean,
emotionally, it's the same.
446
00:23:48,755 --> 00:23:53,355
It's not exactly the same though, is
it? I mean, it's more like you're
447
00:23:53,355 --> 00:23:56,715
No, I know,
but the things they make me say.
448
00:23:56,715 --> 00:23:57,835
But work is work,
449
00:23:57,835 --> 00:24:01,195
and sometimes you just have to
grit your teeth and take it.
450
00:24:01,195 --> 00:24:02,675
Sorry.
451
00:24:02,675 --> 00:24:07,635
Look, these are lonely, unhappy
people and they need an outlet.
452
00:24:07,635 --> 00:24:09,235
Well, I suppose.
453
00:24:09,235 --> 00:24:12,915
And, in a way, you are providing
a valuable social service.
454
00:24:15,355 --> 00:24:17,235
Are you saying I should carry on?
455
00:24:17,235 --> 00:24:19,515
I don't see how you have a choice,
Keith.
456
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:50,120
'You are logged in.'
457
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,400
OK, are you ready?
458
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:58,840
Go for it.
459
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,960
Hello, you're through to Keith.
460
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,880
Me? I'm just a normal married man.
461
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:18,800
Yep.
462
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:22,720
An average bloke with a family
that I'm proud to support.
463
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:25,800
Yeah.
464
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:28,680
Right.
465
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:31,720
Do you want me to rub it?
466
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:33,480
(No.)
467
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,840
Ooh, you like that, don't ya?
468
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:38,800
(No!)
469
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,120
Yep, do you want me to do it faster?
470
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,240
Yeah, that's good.
471
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,720
Mm-hm, yeah. Go on, yeah.
472
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,200
Yeah, ram it in.
473
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:48,640
Oh!
474
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,440
Yeah. Mm, yeah.
475
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,880
Like it. Oh!
476
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,720
Oooh! You violate me
with your monster cock.
477
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,360
Shame on you.
478
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:04,240
First thing tomorrow,
you're getting a proper job.
479
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:07,720
Ow!
480
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:15,960
Oh, God. Er, Laura.
481
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,000
What?
482
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,080
Oh, God! Oh!
483
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,640
Argh!
484
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:26,200
Laura, I'm so sorry.
485
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:27,880
Bloody hell, Fiona, what happened?
486
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:31,360
I slipped. So sorry. Come on,
let's go and get you dried off.
487
00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:32,760
Yes. So sorry.
488
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:38,360
Thank you, I'm sorry,
I didn't realise I was...
489
00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:40,920
It's OK, I've got a kid myself.
490
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:45,080
So this is the gap year
on your CV, then?
491
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:46,520
Yeah.
492
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:49,640
But you're still breast-feeding?
What are you doing here?
493
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:52,240
Well, I just didn't want
to fall behind
494
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,320
and...there are so many good
candidates.
495
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,760
You've got something far better
than any of them.
496
00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:59,840
What's that?
497
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:01,280
Nepotism.
498
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:05,000
Thanks, Fiona.
499
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,880
Ah, ah, mind the tits.
I'll call you a cab. OK.
500
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:16,400
Jamie, hi. Change of plan, can you
just bring Emily home now, OK?
501
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:17,760
We're nearly at your office.
502
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:19,280
Yeah, well, I'm heading home now.
503
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:22,600
Why are you heading home?
Don't go home, stay at work.
504
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:26,400
'Well, I'm in a taxi, Jamie.
I'll see you in a bit.' Oh!
505
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,240
Taxi? That's cheating!
506
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:33,240
No, no, no...
507
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,200
Hiya, just checking
where you're up to?
508
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,120
'Oh, I'm stuck in traffic,
where are you?'
509
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:55,480
Ooh, poor you, I'm just pushing
Emily up to the front door.
510
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,480
We've had a lovely time together.
'Uh-huh. What have you been doing?'
511
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,920
Oh, just went to the park, went
for a walk around. Saw some ducks.
512
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:03,480
'Oh, right...'
513
00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:07,720
Alan, I need Emily.
She's in the kitchen.
514
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,720
She was laughing, I think she misses
her mummy, though.
515
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,120
Oh, bollocks.
516
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:23,200
There's actually another party.
It's Jamie's 18th.
517
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:25,520
Oh, for God's sake, Laura,
it's time to move on.
518
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:29,480
A party tomorrow night?
I'll be there. There'll be drugs.
519
00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:33,360
I'm 18 and it's my birthday.
520
00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:36,760
Well, congratulations. You're not
the only adult in this relationship.
521
00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:38,800
You're not my boyfriend, Jamie,
522
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:40,800
we're just two people who had a kid.
523
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,280
If I see a light flashing
524
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:50,000
Could this mean that
I'm coming home?
525
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,000
If I see a man waving
526
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,520
Does this mean that I'm not alone?
527
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,120
If I see a light flashing
528
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:04,560
Could this mean that
I'm coming home?
529
00:29:04,610 --> 00:29:09,160
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