All language subtitles for Modern Family - 3x23 - Tableau Vivant.HDTV.en

Phil, honey, you're still up.

Okay, how does this sound?

Mitchell, I love you very much,

I not only love you,
but admire you,

- and someday I hope to...
- Are you firing him or proposing to him?

Honey, this was supposed
to be a part-time job.

He was gonna be done
in the summer anyway.

- Just be direct.
- I should have warned him.

How do you tell someone

they have a reputation
for being lazy?

Mitchell? Lazy?

Yeah. Yeah. He handed in
a couple of contracts late,

but I didn't want to say anything

because he's practically
doing this for free.

I can't do this!

This isn't the face of
a cold-blooded hatchet man.

Will you do it?

Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Did we wake you up?

No, I was up.

I'm worried about tomorrow.

My art teacher acts
like I don't exist,

but I have one last chance
to impress him at our year-end art fair.

A few students are doing
living versions of famous paintings.

I've chosen this one,
and I'm using my own family.

Brilliant, right?

When I told him, he said,
"that's nice, Alice."

It's been a year.

Alice? Really?

Honey, do you think
you're nervous

because you've got
a little crush on Mr. Jarvis?

- No. - Are you sure? Because
I've seen the way you look at him--

Sounds like you're
the one with the crush!

I've just never had a teacher
not like me before.

- Well, Ms. Davis.
- Mm.

Please. She's a gym teacher.

She is to teaching what
Dr. Seuss is to medicine.

And to think she didn't like you.

You? What's your problem?

Nothing. I'm just
excited for tomorrow.

I'm getting a medal at school
because I put out a fire.

Maybe that's what
I should be when I grow up...

A professional medal-getter.

Luke, what happened?

I don't know.

I was just walking by
and I smelled flames.

I was there.

I don't like this.

We're not supposed to be in here.

Just keep a lookout!

We're ten seconds away
from creating luketonium.

- Oh, crap!
- Look what you did!

Luke, what happened?

I don't know.

I was just walking by
and I smelled flames.

Okay, guys, you're gonna
be dragging tomorrow

if you don't go to bed
right now. Let's go. Go.

Fine. Come on, Alice.

I'll be up in a minute.

"Mitchell,

"I can't tell you how hard...

How hard this..."

No, that's-- no,
it's not personal enough.

Okay, okay.

"I can't tell you how hurt
and angry this makes me,

"but you've been late
too many times.

I'll need your keys."

Daddy, no! I'm so sorry!

Honey, I didn't hear you
come downstairs.

You couldn't sleep, either?

Uh, yeah.

No, there's just, like,
a lot on my mind with graduation,

and what to wear.
How does this look?

Wait a second.
You're carrying your shoes.

How am I supposed
to judge the whole outfit?

Put 'em on.

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com

So make sure you give
this menu here

a good, thorough reading.

- Soup.
- You didn't even look at it.

- Soup.
- Check out what's below the soup--

Sandwiches.

Have you check out what
is below this outfit?

This doesn't come from sandwiches.

Look!

"The Jay Pritchett"?

I don't understand.

They named you after a sandwich?

No! They named
a sandwich after me!

"Turkey, bacon, Swiss cheese,

red peppers, anchovies on wheat"?

Most people would stop
after the salty bacon,

but I double down
with the anchovies.

Were you making a sandwich
or attracting deer?

Is this bum bothering you, miss?

Oh, I should get
a picture of this--

an actual waitress
sighting in this dump.

I took a chance and put in
an order for your sandwich,

although most people like
their Jay Pritchetts to go.

What's happening?

Gloria, it's Maxine.

So you're married to Jay.

Where'd you tie up
your seeing eye dog?

No, no, I'm not, um...

Okay, I get it. I get it.

Here's that number for that
neck doctor I want you to see.

- Thanks.
- What's wrong with your neck?

For 30 years, I've been hearing
it's a handball injury.

But it always seems
to get worse with stress.

Maybe it's that audit
he's got coming up.

- Audit?
- It's nothing.

Oh, isn't that cute?
He doesn't want you to worry.

Here's your sandwich.

Now you should worry.

Look at it-- my prettiest child.

Why didn't you tell me
about your neck?

It's fine. Take a bite.

- Your company's getting audited?
- Nothing!

Three bad days,
then it's over.

Come on! I'm-- I'm anxious
to hear what you think.

I see it growing on ya.

It's like Maxine
when she first tried it.

- You know, she--
- I don't like it.

- You probably didn't get all--
- Jay, I try it. I don't like it.

That's all you can say?

It tastes bad in my mouth.

It's like a fish and a Turkey

beat themselves
to death with a pepper.

Okay, fair enough.
Maybe a little picky, though,

from someone who prepared
a Colombian specialty

and said, "why are you
not eating the hooves?

They're the best part."

I'm back!

Oh, hey, Uncle Cam.

Oh, thanks again
for picking me up last night.

You're welcome, but
you have to be more careful.

I was the responsible one.

Lisa was drinking,
and I took her keys,

- and then e--
- I understand.

My senior year, I had
a pretty crazy night myself

involving a bottle of corn mash
and an overturned plow.

- Seriously? - Yeah. You don't know
terror until you've had to

stare down the eyes
of a Missouri State Trooper

and talk your way out of a P.U.I.

Honey, you don't drink coffee.

I do when I've been up
half the night

worrying about a project
that's only one-third done,

and I still have an apron to sew,
scenery to paint,

plus my normal
crushing workload. So...

Unless you have a better way
for me to stimula--

Oh, God.

God, coffee's bitter.

That was your first sip?

Okay, I got the chafing dish,

salt and pepper shakers--
perfect matches, both.

I may have to readjust my grapes.

Oh. Ow.
I'll just give you a little privacy.

Welcome back to the light show. Hi.

Hi, Lily.

Hi, daddy.

Lily...

Sweetheart, no.

No, no, no, no. We're--
we're not gonna do that today.

Actually-- actually, Claire,

we're--we're trying not to use
the word "no" so much.

We just read a book that said

- children learn to rebel
against that word. - Uh-huh.

So we redirect her
into a new activity instead.

Oh. Here--
well, just watch this.

Lily, sweetie, hi.
It's daddy here.

Would you like to listen
to some music?

Okay. There you go.

See?

Every new generation thinks

they have cracked
the code on child rearing.

What's the latest theory?
Never say "no."

I say "no" every day in this house.

But at night,
she's a "yes" machine.

No.

Oh, it doesn't seem that she
is redirecting her own energy

as much as using a lot of ours.

But do you see how
she's slowly transitioning

from the lights to the music?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

It's hard to believe
there was ever a time

when we just said,
"stop doing that."

Oh. The garbage disposal.

Lily, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Now let's redirect you into a nap, huh?

Actually, we're doing
this new thing

where we let her tell us when she wants to take a nap.

Uh-huh. It's called
"being your own nap Captain."

Come on, sweetie.

- Hey! Hey.
- Phil.

Hey. Did you ring the doorbell?

Oh, no, 'cause I have
these two coffees.

One is for you.

Thank you.

Here's my life-- a full-time job,

a 3-year-old,
and a second one on the way.

And as a favor,

I agreed to do a little work
for Phil's agency.

The problem is,
I'm very good,

and the more I do,
the more they want me.

I-I even turned in
a few assignments late

so that they'd fall out of love
with me a little bit.

Right.

How-- how long have you
been standing here?

Are-- are you-- are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

'Cause you're--
you're really blinking.

I'm a stress blinker,

um, and what really
gets me going is confrontation.

I hate it.
I-I avoid it at all costs.

Terrible at it.

Once, I, uh, I tried
to break up with a girl,

and I danced around it so much,

she didn't know
I had broken up with her.

20 years later,
we're still married.

I am... really... sorry...

About the cold coffee.

It's not that cold.
It's lukewarm, so...

Funny story
about that expression--

when the kids were younger,
um, we had a, uh,

- a wading pool...
- Uh-huh.

And occasionally,
Luke would have an accident,

and, um, Alex would scream,

and we'd say, um, "it's okay, honey,

he's just making it lukewarm."

- Wow, so-- so
- I gotta get going,

- but I-I'll see--
- Okay, wait!

I'm just gonna come
straight out and say it.

Mitchell, you've done
a wonderful job for the agency

since you decided you'd help us
out for just a little bit.

And we couldn't ask
for more, could we?

I wish it didn't have to end.

In fact, if it was up to me,
you'd stay on forever...

- Phil, Phil...
- But it is not just up to me, is it?

- So... I...
- Phil, I saw this coming,

and-- and look...

I bailed.
I made an excuse and left.

But I-I-I've gotta
be straight with him.

"Phil, I cannot stay on
with your firm forever."

Oh! God, it's gonna crush him.

Maybe I can get Claire to do it.

Well, that was easy!

We're really proud of you, buddy.
See you at the ceremony.

- You're not a hero.
- I put out a fire.

A fire you started.

- Was there a fire?
- Yes.

- Did I put it out?
- That's not--

Answer the question.

Yes.

I'm getting an award for it.

If they gave awards
for starting fires,

I'd be getting one of those, too.

I know you have
a conscience, Luke.

Do you see this flag?
It stands for Justice.

So when that fire marshall
gets here,

I know you're going
to look at that flag

and do the right thing.

You were very quiet
all the way home.

Are you upset at me because
I honked at that old lady?

Normally, we leave
the honking to the driver,

but I'm used to it.

Is it because of the sandwich?

Ah, you maybe could
have eaten half of it...

Said a couple of nice things.

It's just a sandwich, Jay.

It's not about the
delicious sandwich, Gloria.

It's about being respectful
of a person's feelings.

But I was just being honest.

You don't have to be honest

about every little thing
in a relationship.

Some things you say,
some things you don't.

Oh?

What are the things
that you don't say?

Gloria, I really don't wanna
do this anymore.

Oh, really?

But you cannot just try
to teach me a lesson,

- and then not even--
- Okay, fine.

I don't say this,

but it... bothers me a little bit

that you're just a tiny bit... loud.

- Loud?
- Not all the time.

Only when you, you know,
when you talk.

So I embarrass you?

Gloria... what?

- Am I being too loud again?
- All right. Buckle up.

Oh, I'm gonna go and
try to do the laundry,

and I'm gonna do it very quietly

so I don't bother you.
Maybe Manny can help me.

Manny!

- I get it.
- Manny!

I get it.

Now you're not even
making any noise.

Okay, this is way too many grapes,

and this spoon is modern day,

so if we use it, everyone
at the table has to react in shock

at the spoon from the future.

- Okay.
- And that went down the drain.

And you need a nap.

You need a nap.

I got it. Ooh, I lost it. Shoot.

Let me know if I can eliminate
any distractions for you.

Oh, I got it. No, I got
a finger on it. There it is.

Oh, lost it again.

Maybe you should just wait
until it comes to you.

You know, make it the Captain
of its own spoon platoon.

I understand the point
you're making, Claire, but...

Oh! Now I'm stuck.

Yeah, Cam, you are stuck.

You are stuck on a philosophy
that clearly doesn't work.

Sometimes, you need
to say "no" to a child.

Yeah, and sometimes you need
to say "no" to an adult.

No, Claire. No, I don't need
help raising my child.

Oh. Okay.

Sorry.

Guess I-I do have a lot to learn.

Right now, I-I'm looking
forward to learning

if you will get your
arm out of there

before Lily gets to the
garbage disposal switch.

Um... Lily, sweetie!

C-can you do something,
please, Claire?

I would like to.
Really, I would,

but I would probably just say "no"

and shred her confidence
and mangle her self-esteem.

Okay, fine! I'm sorry!
Just-- here,

- Stop her! Stop her! Sweetie!
- What to do with you?

Claire! Okay!

Ohh! Yes!

- You think that's funny, don't ya?
- Yes!

Yes. Well, it's wicked, Claire.
It's wicked.

Come on. We're leaving, Lily!

Lily!

It's living art. We stay
perfectly still for 90 seconds,

basically doing nothing.

Sounds like my first wife.

I don't know.
She always moved for me.

As long as you both agree
it was only 90 seconds.

Two nerds with one stone!

I love working in an office.

Is that your brother-in-law?
I thought you fired him.

I did, before work.

Then what's he doing here?

Is he disgruntled?
He looks disgruntled.

No, he always looks like that.

Hey. How's it going?

Hey, hey. Listen--

- Okay, I know this is uncomfortable...
- Mm-hmm.

But we really need to talk
about my future here.

But I-I-I thought we--

No, I know.
I know I led you to believe

that I'd be able to stay
on here indefinitely,

and--and... O-okay,

- don't get all blinky.
- Oh.

- No, it's not all bad news, okay?
- Okay.

You will have me until July,
like we agreed.

- Okay, great.
- Yes.

Hey, could you jump on the elevator
with me real quick?

Yes. Yes. I could use a hand
carrying up some stuff from my car.

Oh! My goodness. I probably
need some empty boxes, don't I?

You know what?
You head down,

I'll meet you at the glass doors.

There was something else.
What was it?

I know it's in there.
Oh, yeah, you're fired.

What? F-fired?!

W-what's going on with these things?

You trying to open 'em?

Mm-hmm.

I guess I better... get somebody.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait--

you're firing me?

I-I don't even like this job.

That can't be safe.

- Is someone trapped in there?
- The guy they fired.

Oh, the lazy guy?

Lazy?!

You handed in
a couple of things late.

I should have warned you.

I'm terrible at breaking bad news.

Well, then why did you come
over to my house

and tell me how great I was?

That was me trying to fire you!

I haven't felt like this since I tried
to break up with Claire 20 years ago.

Someone's stuck again?

That lawyer with the attitude
they just fired.

They said it was your attitude,

like you were doing us a favor.

I was doing you a favor!

- Why didn't he get the stairs
like everyone else? - Lazy.

Don't worry, he can't get you.

Two hours I got stuck in there with
an entire office of people staring at me.

I finally had to lie down.

Didn't help my reputation.

Figures.

You guys nailed it.

Dude, that was surreal.

- Get it?
- Dad, come on!

We have a minute to set up!

Where are Mitchell and Cam?

Hey, Manny. Thanks for what you said
before about the flag.

It really got me thinking.

I knew you had a conscience, Luke.

And more importantly,
you've got a good...

You didn't.

Yep. And thanks to you,

I had them move the ceremony
to right under the flag.

I'll sign a picture for you.

Oh, there you are.
I was afraid you weren't coming.

It was a discussion.

If we weren't gonna show up,

we would have clearly let you know,

and not humiliated you in public.

If it's any consolation,

the lawyer we hired to replace you

is already suing
the elevator company.

Ow. You're sitting on my hand.

Be thankful you have two.
I almost lost one today.

Oh, stop being such a baby.

She was nowhere near that switch.

Shh! Keep your voices down.
We're about to go on.

Why you looking at me?

Am I too loud?
Is that what everybody thinks?

- What? - There's a backstory here
you don't wanna know about.

- I want turkey.
- Save your appetite, baby girl.

And don't forget, afterwards,

we're going to Lenny's
for a bite to eat--

more than a bite
if you value my feelings.

Oh! Great, we get to see Maxine.

What? You know Maxine, too?

Oh, we all know Maxine. Love.

Second-best hugger in the world,

after Mr. Burt Reynolds.
Story to follow.

All right, guys, this will all
be over in 90 seconds.

- Hold your poses.
- Okay.

I really wanna impress Mr. Gorgeous.

Jarvis! Shut up.

Hey, Mitch, I know
this isn't a good time,

I-I just want you to know,

- I'm really--
- I know, Phil.You're really sorry, okay?

But this is gonna take me a little
time to get over, all right?

Actually, I was gonna say I'm really
gonna need your parking pass.

What?!

Our next stage presentation
will be Alex Dunphy's interpretation

of Norman Rockwell's 1943 painting
"Freedom from want."

How do you sleep at night, Luke?

- With a medal around my neck.
- Shh!

- I want Turkey.
- Lily, no!

She doesn't understand that word.

Cram it, Claire.

Control your child, Cam.

It's not that difficult.
I've raised three.

- Really?
- Cam!

Why don't you ask Haley what time
she got home last night?

- Uncle Cam!
- Sorry, dear. Collateral damage.

- What is he talking about?
- Shh!

Your arms are shaking.

Oh, yeah,

I'm sure that the great Maxine
can do a better job!

You can criticize my parenting
all you like, Cam,

but my son just won a medal.

For a fire he started.

Luke, is that true?

How long? It's getting heavy!

You're not getting
that parking pass back.

I tried to let you down easy.

You don't know how
to talk to people, Phil.

It's just like when Claire
didn't even know you dumped her.

- What?
- When did dad dump you?

I didn't dumr! I just tried to!

I am losing it!

Just a few more seconds!

I want turkey.

Lily, no!

We really are trying
to not say that word.

B-minus,

but there was a silver lining.

"I expected more, Alex."

Alex!

I am gonna call Haley and tell her

we're not going to that deli.

I can't take another minute of Cam.

You know, I'm not even sure

I believe all these
new parenting theories,

but I'll be damned if I'm gonna
let her tell me they're wrong.

We are not going to dinner.

I tried that sandwich.

It's not that good.
You're not missing anything.

I sure won't miss seeing Luke
and that stupid medal.

I play by the rules.
Where's my medal?

Jay can stay with that Maxine.

She's not loud like me.

In fairness, you can be
a little quick to give advice.

Well, I'm always ready to help,
if that's what you mean, yeah.

Yeah, but if you're not careful,
it can come off a little...

Know-it-all-y.

That's not a word.

What you mean to say is,
it can come off like I know it all.

I've always been this way.

That's why I wanted
to break up with you.

The word "fired" doesn't even apply.

You can't get fired from a favor.

Okay, sweetie, maybe
you should just let it go.

Like I always say, it's better
to carry a tune than a grudge.

Okay, you...
You've never said that, but...

And--and what about this grudge
you're holding against Claire?

I don't see you trading
that in for a tune.

That is completely different.

She insulted my parenting skills.

Which, you have to admit,
you can be pretty defensive about.

Okay, so maybe we both
can be a little sensitive.

N-no. No.

Mnh-mnh. No. These-- these are--
these are not equal.

No, you have no idea
what it feels like to be fired.

Yes, I do. I've been fired.
Everyone has.

Not me.

- Never?
- No.

Nope, I've always been
very good at what I do.

So then maybe what you're feeling

is a little insecure about
your work for the first time.

That's hogwash.

As someone who's seen
actual hogwash,

I can assure you that it's not.

I don't know why you're
so bothered by Maxine.

She's nice.

Oh, good!
Why don't you, Jay, and Maxine

live together,
eating sandwiches forever?!

Can I float a theory here, mom?

You sound like you're jealous.

Please!

Me jealous of that woman?

I just don't like the way
they talk to each other!

And the little jokes,

and she knows everything
about his life!

Just makes me feel like, em...

Is that jealous?

Ay, my poor sisters.

Just you? I thought the whole
family was swinging by.

Who knows what they're doing?

Right now, they're all
sniping at each other.

Ah, who needs 'em?

Right. As long as
I have you, Maxine...

I'm off in five.

Hey, Luke!

What's with all the hardware?

Well, he set fire to a school
and lied about it.

You know they give medals
for anything these days.

It's going back tomorrow.

He doesn't get a lot of medals.

I just really need one of these.
Hey.

- Don't hold back.
- Oh!

- My girls. There they are.
- Hi.

- Hello, hello.
- Hi, all.

- Hey, Cam.
- Hey!

Come on in!

I, uh, I appreciate your coming.

- And, again, I really, really--
thank you. - Yeah.

- There she is.
- Well, look who made it.

Hola, Maxine.
So nice to see you.

Let me get you some menus.

We don't need it.

It's Jay Pritchetts all around!

Gloria, if you want your sandwich
without anchovies,

- I won't be offended.
- Aw.

Of course, then it'll be
a Jack Feldman.

- Hey. Hmm?
- Yeah?

- Hey, man.
- Is the repair guy here?

He's working on it.

Um, listen, uh,

it's Katie's birthday,
skip's assistant.

Big 3-0. Still no ring.

You woke me up to tell me that?

No, no. I-I grabbed you some cake.

Oh, sure it's not
for employees only?

Okay. Had that coming.

Who are you talking to, Phil?

- Mitchell.
- Who?

Mitchell, my br-- uh, the lazy guy.

I was doing you a favor.

All right, just give me the cake.
I'm hungry.

No! Oh.

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