Original subtitles

PHOEBE: Oh, hey, you guys, look. Ugly Naked Guy's putting stuff in boxes.

ROSS: Oh.

Huh. I'd say from the looks of it, our naked buddy is moving.

Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled "Clothes."

Aw, I'm going to miss that big old squishy butt.

And we're done with the chicken fried rice.

Hey. Hey, if he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place.

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. JOEY: Good idea.

It would be so cool to live across from you guys.

Yeah, hey, then we could do that telephone thing...

...you know, where you have a can, we have a can...

...and it's connected by a string.

Or we could do the actual telephone thing.

Oh, my God. I love this apartment.

Isn't it perfect?

I can't believe I never realized how great it is.

That is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.

PHOEBE: It's amazing.

You better hurry up and fill out an application, or I'll beat you to it.

Oh, heh.

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom.

Oh, look. There's Monica and Chandler. Hey!

Hey, you guys! Hey!

Oh!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Chandler and Monica. Chandler and Monica.

Oh, my God.

- Chandler and Monica! - Oh, my God!

Oh, my eyes! My eyes!

- Phoebe. Phoebe. - Ow!

It's okay. It's okay.

- No, they're doing it! - I know.

- I know. I know. - You know?

Yes, I know, and Joey knows, but Ross doesn't...

...so you have to stop screaming!

Hey, what's going on?

[YELLING]

- What? RACHEL: Nothing.

Oh, God, we're just so excited that you might get this apartment.

- Actually, it looks really good. - Aah! It looks pretty good!

Get in here! Come on!

[ALL YELLING]

You mean whenever Monica and Chandler were, like...

...doing laundry or going grocery shopping?

All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp?

Uh-huh. Doing it, doing it, phone doing it.

I can't believe it.

I mean, I think it's great. For him.

She might be able to do better.

- Hey, you guys. - Joey, come here. Come here.

Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler.

You mean how they're friends and nothing more?

No. No, Joey, she knows.

We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and saw them doing it through the window.

Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.

Okay, so now they know you know, and they don't know Rachel knows?

Yes, but you know what? It doesn't matter who knows what.

Now enough of us know that we could just tell them we know.

Now all the lying and the secrets will finally be over.

Or we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.

Well, what do you mean?

You know, every time they say they're doing laundry...

...we'll give them laundry to do.

- Oh, I would enjoy that. - No, no, no.

Wait, Rach, you know what would be even more fun? Telling them.

- Yeah, no, I want to do Phoebe's thing. - I can't take any...

You don't have to do anything. Just don't tell them that we know.

No. I can't take any more secrets.

I got your secrets, I got their secrets. I got secrets of my own, you know.

- You don't have any secrets. - Oh, yeah?

Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal.

So, ahem, um...

How are we going to mess with them?

[JOEY GROANS]

Well, you could use your position as the roommate.

And then I would use, you know, the strongest tool at my disposal.

My sexuality.

- Hello, children. ALL: Hey.

Okay. Watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.

- Hey. - Hey.

Ooh. Wow, that jacket looks great on you.

- Really? - Yeah. The material looks so soft.

Oh, hello, Mr. Bicep.

You've been working out?

Well, I try to, you know, squeeze things.

[LAUGHING]

Are you okay?

Well, if you really wanna know...

Oh, I can't tell you this.

Phoebe, it's me, you can tell me anything.

Well, actually, you're the one person I can't tell this to.

And the one person I want to the most.

What's going on?

I think it's just, you know, that I haven't been with a guy in so long...

...and you know how sometimes you're looking for something...

...and you don't see that it's right there in front of you, sipping coffee...

Oh, no. Have I said too much?

Well, just something to think about. I know I will.

Ooh. Ha, ha.

- You are so cute. - Heh.

How did you get to be so cute?

Well, my grandfather was Swedish.

And my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Okay, now you're even cuter.

You know, that is a popular opinion today, I must say.

What?

The weirdest thing happened at the coffeehouse.

I think Phoebe was hitting on me.

What are you talking about?

I'm telling you, I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.

- It's not possible. - Ow.

I'm sorry, it's just Phoebe's just always thought you were charming...

...in a sexless kind of way.

Oh, well, you know, I can't hear that enough.

I'm sorry, I just think you misunderstood her.

No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me.

She touched my bicep, for crying out loud.

This bicep?

Well, it's not flexed right now.

Hey, Mon, what are you doing? Want to come see a movie with us?

Uh, actually, I was going to do some laundry.

- Chandler, you want to do it with me? - Sure, I'll do it with you.

Okay, great. Hold on a second.

Unh. Here you go.

You don't mind, do you? That would really help me out a lot. Thanks.

Ha, ha. You know what? I don't think I have enough quarters.

PHOEBE: Oh, I have quarters.

- Hey. - Hey, Ross, any word on the apartment yet?

Well, I called over there, and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself.

And he's already had like 100 applicants.

ALL: Oh. - No, no, I've got the edge.

I know it's not exactly ethical, but I sent him a bribe...

...to tip the scales in my direction.

Yeah. Check it out, you can see it from the window.

Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?

No.

That new mountain bike?

No.

Well, what did you send?

A basket of mini muffins.

There's a whole table of mini muffin baskets.

Which one did you send?

The small one.

What? You actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment?

Well, yeah.

Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those muffins.

It was the best day.

Your work makes me sad.

Oh, man, I want that place so much.

And I was so sure that was going to work.

There's 12 bucks I'll never see again.

All right, we'd better go if we're gonna catch that movie.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye, Chandler. I miss you already.

Okay, did you see that? With the inappropriate, and the pinching?

Actually, I did.

So now do you believe that she's attracted to me?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She knows about us.

Are you serious?

Phoebe knows, and she's just trying to freak us out.

That's the only explanation for it.

Okay, but what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps?

She knows.

Joey.

Yeah?

Phoebe knows about us.

Well, I didn't tell them.

Them? Who's "them"?

Uh, Phoebe and Joey.

Joey.

And Rachel.

Look, I would have told you, but they made me promise not to tell.

- Oh, man. - I'm sorry.

But, hey, it's over now, right?

Because you can tell them you know they know...

...and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing.

- Unless... - No, not "unless." This must end now.

Oh, man, they think they are so slick messing with us.

But they don't know that we know that they know.

- So... - Ah, yes.

The messers become the messees.

[WHINES]

Oh, Ross, honey, you gotta stop torturing yourself.

Why don't you just find another apartment?

I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month.

None of them even compares to that one.

You know what you should do?

You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him.

Yeah. Like if I wanted something from Joey...

...I would strike up a conversation about, say, um, sandwiches...

...or, uh, my underwear.

I'm listening.

See?

That is a great idea.

And I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for five years.

So that gives me back my edge. Ha, ha.

Let's see now. He had the trampoline.

- But he broke that. - Well, he had gravity boots.

Yeah, he broke those too.

So he likes to break stuff.

Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben, but I will figure something out.

Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?

I wouldn't bring that up. It would probably just bum him out.

Poor cat never saw that big butt coming.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, yeah, hey. Hold on a second, she's right here.

[WHISPERS] It's Chandler.

Oh.

Hello, you.

Hello, Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day.

Huh?

Well, you know that thing you said before? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.

Really?

Yeah. Listen, Joey won't be here tonight.

Why don't you come over and I'll let you, uh, feel my bicep.

Or maybe more.

I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye.

Oh, my God. He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more.

- Are you kidding? - No.

I cannot believe he would do that to Mon...

Joey? Do they know that we know?

- No. - Joey?

- They know you know. - Ooh, I knew it.

Oh, I cannot believe those two.

They thought they could mess with us? They're trying to mess with us?

They don't know that we know they know we know.

And, Joey, you can't say anything.

Couldn't if I wanted to.

Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller.

I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment...

...and I realize that the competition is fierce, but...

I'm sorry, I can't help but notice that you're naked and...

I applaud you.

Man, I wish I was naked.

I mean, this looks so great.

That is how God intended it.

- Look at them. They're panicked. - Oh, yeah, they're totally gonna back down.

Oh, yeah.

All right, if he wants a date, he's going to get a date.

- I'm going to go in. - Okay, okay.

Be sexy.

Please.