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1
00:00:08,340 --> 00:00:11,059
Can't film in here. Toilets.
2
00:00:16,420 --> 00:00:18,411
Oh! Jesus Christ!
3
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Oh! Oh, God!
Ripped By mstoll
4
00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:24,416
Are you scared of spiders? It's the worst
spider what I've ever seen, in there.
5
00:00:24,460 --> 00:00:27,133
Look, it's the giantest spider.
6
00:00:27,180 --> 00:00:29,819
Hannah? Look. Hannah!
7
00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:31,213
- There's a spider in there.
- Oh, can't be... it can't be that bad.
8
00:00:31,260 --> 00:00:32,818
Biggest spider... No, you haven't...
Wait till you see it.
9
00:00:32,860 --> 00:00:35,693
- Where is it?
- Wait till you see it. I'm not kidding.
10
00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:37,617
Oh! Ooh!
11
00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:40,053
That is big.
12
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:43,058
- Get rid of it. Don't kill it!
- What do you want me to do with it?
13
00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:46,536
Deport it? Send it to prison
for having too many legs?
14
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,730
Go and get... Go and get...
Go and get a cup.
15
00:00:48,780 --> 00:00:52,455
Catch it. Make sure you catch it
and put it... let it go free.
16
00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:56,288
He's terrified of 'em. Nearly gave him a
heart attack and he won't let me kill it.
17
00:00:56,340 --> 00:00:59,252
He's got me running around,
trying to rehome it for him.
18
00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:00,653
- All right.
- Don't lose it.
19
00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:02,577
- I won't lose it.
- Watch it, mate.
20
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:05,651
I've got to get it under there,
that's all,
21
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,577
- without startling the fu...
Oh!
22
00:01:07,620 --> 00:01:10,498
- Oh, fuckin' hell!
- Oh! Oh...
23
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:28,051
It's been a funny old year,
you know.
24
00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:30,819
We're still here.
25
00:01:30,860 --> 00:01:34,057
Same old faces. Some new faces.
26
00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:36,568
Some people have gone.
27
00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:38,656
You know, just life rolling on.
28
00:01:40,820 --> 00:01:43,459
This is Geoff.
29
00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:46,014
He's been with us about a week now. Yeah.
30
00:01:46,060 --> 00:01:50,372
He's been unemployed for a little while
so... It's part of a restart thing.
31
00:01:50,420 --> 00:01:52,809
He is a wrong 'un, isn't he?
32
00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:55,936
Don't you think? Look at him.
33
00:01:55,980 --> 00:01:58,255
What do you mean?
Weird, don't you think?
34
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,973
Well shifty.
Right.
35
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:03,853
Er... Vicky is with us permanently now.
36
00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:06,289
She's our, er... in-house
beautician, unofficially.
37
00:02:06,340 --> 00:02:09,616
She does all their nails
and hair and stuff.
38
00:02:09,660 --> 00:02:10,979
Yeah.
39
00:02:11,020 --> 00:02:13,011
She's gonna open her own salon
one day, ain't you?
40
00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:15,938
- Yeah, wouldn't mind.
41
00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:19,930
Yeah, no, it's wicked.
I love it. I love it here.
42
00:02:19,980 --> 00:02:21,857
It's like being at home, really, innit?
43
00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:24,130
Except... well, here,
everyone's really nice.
44
00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:26,091
But... yeah, it's all right.
45
00:02:26,140 --> 00:02:29,849
The money's not great but, well,
I'm a born hustler, ain't I?
46
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:33,688
So, doing my bits and pieces
on the side to get by.
47
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:35,332
- What do you think of them?
- Ooh!
48
00:02:35,380 --> 00:02:36,938
- All right, ain't they?
- What's that?
49
00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:39,619
Oh, hold on.
50
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,298
- There you go.
51
00:02:41,340 --> 00:02:43,137
- All yours.
- Oh, how much is that, Vicky?
52
00:02:43,180 --> 00:02:44,295
Oh, no, don't be silly.
53
00:02:44,340 --> 00:02:45,534
- No, no, I'll pay you.
- It's a present, honestly.
54
00:02:45,580 --> 00:02:47,969
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Enjoy.
55
00:02:49,340 --> 00:02:51,296
Geoff, it's my dad.
He's moving in today.
56
00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:53,376
We've got a new resident
moving in today.
57
00:02:53,420 --> 00:02:55,775
It's Derek's dad, Anthony.
58
00:02:57,740 --> 00:03:00,732
Derek's over the moon. He's so proud.
59
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:03,374
It's my dad. He's moving in here today.
60
00:03:04,380 --> 00:03:06,257
All these lovely mares.
61
00:03:09,340 --> 00:03:11,012
This is your room.
62
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:13,051
Oh... Oh, 'eavy.
63
00:03:17,380 --> 00:03:18,813
It's nice, innit?
64
00:03:18,860 --> 00:03:20,009
All right.
65
00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:25,090
Got everything. Cupboards. Bed.
66
00:03:25,140 --> 00:03:27,449
Loads of cupboards. Wardrobe.
67
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:28,694
Chair.
68
00:03:35,020 --> 00:03:36,692
Ah!
69
00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:38,696
What's this? Photo album?
70
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:41,857
- Huh! Is this all your holidays?
- Yeah.
71
00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:44,698
Huh! And where have you been?
Have you been everywhere?
72
00:03:44,740 --> 00:03:47,937
France, Germany, Spain, Morocco.
73
00:03:47,980 --> 00:03:49,777
You name it, I've been there.
74
00:03:49,820 --> 00:03:53,495
All the pictures of you
are with different ladies.
75
00:03:55,020 --> 00:03:56,976
Ah, sure, that's the point
in travelling, boy.
76
00:03:58,300 --> 00:03:59,858
Nookie.
77
00:03:59,900 --> 00:04:00,969
Newquay?
78
00:04:02,180 --> 00:04:05,490
- I haven't been to Newquay.
79
00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:06,859
Who's that?
80
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:08,891
That's my one picture of you.
81
00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:13,848
Still got the same hair. Heh-heh!
82
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:16,050
Look, that's me.
83
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,215
That's baby Derek.
84
00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:26,292
I wish I... I wish I could travel one day.
I'd like to go different places.
85
00:04:26,340 --> 00:04:28,410
Just to see
what all the different places are like.
86
00:04:28,460 --> 00:04:30,928
Cos all the places are different,
ain't they? Everywhere's different.
87
00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:32,254
What's the most different place
you've been?
88
00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:34,530
The Sahara Desert.
89
00:04:34,580 --> 00:04:35,569
Why?
90
00:04:36,980 --> 00:04:39,050
Cos it's fucking warm.
91
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:42,536
- What's France like?
It's full of French people.
92
00:04:42,580 --> 00:04:44,571
Yeah?
- They're not very friendly.
93
00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:46,736
The women are nice, though.
94
00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:54,096
Right, Joe's coming. Remember,
don't mention it. Don't mention...
95
00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:07,657
It grew back.
96
00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:12,298
Very lucky.
97
00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:17,210
What's the strangest thing what you've
ever seen, what you've ever learnt?
98
00:05:17,260 --> 00:05:20,013
I met a wise man in Kathmandu,
99
00:05:20,060 --> 00:05:23,575
who believed you should make
a list of all the things you wanted,
100
00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:25,770
and give it to your dad to keep,
101
00:05:25,820 --> 00:05:30,769
and maybe the circle of life
would get you one of them things.
102
00:05:30,820 --> 00:05:33,937
What? If you does that, will you get
one of your wishes, maybe?
103
00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:35,572
Yeah.
104
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:38,453
- Shall I make a list?
Yeah.
105
00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:46,254
I want to get him a little present,
106
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:49,337
but I don't know what he likes,
I'm ashamed to say.
107
00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:51,416
Hmm.
108
00:05:51,460 --> 00:05:55,055
This is a sneaky way of finding out.
109
00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:03,572
It's my bestest day ever.
My dad's moving in.
110
00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:07,533
Joining us, joining my family.
His... his family as well now.
111
00:06:07,580 --> 00:06:11,095
When I'm like this as well, when
I'm happiest, I get sad sometimes
112
00:06:11,140 --> 00:06:14,177
cos I feel sorry for people
who ain't as happy as me.
113
00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:17,018
Lots of people ain't lucky like me.
I'm... I'm lucky.
114
00:06:17,060 --> 00:06:19,255
I'm really lucky. I've got... Yeah.
115
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:22,337
So, that's why I'm nice, in case
they're not having a good day
116
00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:25,258
or they ain't got as... much luck as me.
117
00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:31,170
So, er... yeah, cos life, right, it's all
about good and bad things, isn't it?
118
00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:33,211
Summat good happens
and summat bad happens,
119
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:37,458
and in my life it's mostly good things
and a little bad things.
120
00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:44,536
Yeah, that... that makes it all right and
that's why I always tries my best as well.
121
00:06:44,580 --> 00:06:46,332
I learned it off animals.
122
00:06:46,380 --> 00:06:49,816
Animals always tries their best.
Always trying their best.
123
00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:53,250
You never see like a lazy ant.
It's always working.
124
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:55,177
It goes, "I'll do that."
125
00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:11,135
Look. Sandwiches. Cakes.
Tea. Everything.
126
00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:14,331
We always do something when there's
a new resident. Helps break the ice.
127
00:07:14,380 --> 00:07:16,894
Let them know it's a welcoming place.
128
00:07:16,940 --> 00:07:18,737
It can be very overwhelming.
129
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:22,056
You know,
they're always a bit shy, scared.
130
00:07:27,620 --> 00:07:30,134
Oh. Want to take those?
131
00:07:30,180 --> 00:07:32,375
Yeah. What is... why is he grabbing her?
132
00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:34,297
I don't know.
133
00:07:37,860 --> 00:07:40,215
Everyone sits where they wants,
but people has favourite chairs.
134
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,615
Pat likes that one. Arthur likes that one.
Joe likes that one.
135
00:07:42,660 --> 00:07:44,935
People moves around. These are all ladies.
136
00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:48,017
Precious, Margaret and Sheila.
137
00:07:48,060 --> 00:07:50,051
Um... Annie.
138
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:53,729
Oh, guess what, right? Um... Tom
and Hannah are trying to have a baby.
139
00:07:53,780 --> 00:07:54,769
Derek!
140
00:07:54,820 --> 00:07:58,176
What? Yeah, I've heard you
talking about it. I knows what's going on.
141
00:07:58,220 --> 00:08:00,415
Oh, they haven't told me.
142
00:08:00,460 --> 00:08:02,291
Didn't know it was something I had to.
143
00:08:02,340 --> 00:08:03,932
Are you checking when she's ovulating?
144
00:08:03,980 --> 00:08:07,211
Yeah, but, they've got...
got a thermometer,
145
00:08:07,260 --> 00:08:09,376
and... and they test
when she's the right temperature,
146
00:08:09,420 --> 00:08:13,572
and if she's the right temperature,
they sneaks off and has sex quickly,
147
00:08:13,620 --> 00:08:15,212
and then comes back in
like nothing's happened.
148
00:08:15,260 --> 00:08:17,012
But I... I knows what they've been...
what they've been doing.
149
00:08:17,060 --> 00:08:19,972
Now, when me and your grandad
were trying for your mum...
150
00:08:20,020 --> 00:08:21,009
Mm-hm?
151
00:08:21,060 --> 00:08:24,097
...used to come straight home
from work, straight upstairs,
152
00:08:24,140 --> 00:08:28,611
no foreplay or anything like that,
wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, do his bit,
153
00:08:28,660 --> 00:08:33,051
and then afterwards he'd help me
stand on my head by holding my legs.
154
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:34,419
Why?
155
00:08:34,460 --> 00:08:36,257
It helps the sperm up the cervix.
156
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:38,291
What's a cervix?
157
00:08:38,340 --> 00:08:41,013
It's the opening between
the vagina and the uterus.
158
00:08:41,060 --> 00:08:43,335
And a sperm's got to get through that
to the...
159
00:08:43,380 --> 00:08:45,177
So, it goes vagina...
160
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,255
- Cervix, uterus.
...cervix, uterus.
161
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:50,213
So, he puts his sperm into the vagina,
162
00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:53,377
and then he has to help it
up the cervix into the uterus,
163
00:08:53,420 --> 00:08:55,456
- and that's where the baby's made, innit?
- Mm-hm.
164
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:59,288
Yeah, and it helps it if he turns her on
her head with her... holding her legs up?
165
00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:02,093
- Well, you're in with more of a chance.
Why? Cos it dribbles upwards?
166
00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:04,654
Yeah, gravity.
- Yeah.
167
00:09:04,700 --> 00:09:07,612
Um... vagina. Uterus.
168
00:09:07,660 --> 00:09:09,093
Cervix.
169
00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:11,256
These are a few of my favourite things.
170
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:14,178
- What else?
- Clitoris, cum and flaps.
171
00:09:37,220 --> 00:09:39,859
He just always
keeps talking to all the ladies.
172
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,856
- Well, he's just being friendly, in't he?
- Yeah.
173
00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:44,016
- You're always on that phone.
- Yeah.
174
00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:46,813
I've got to keep up with my people,
haven't I? Let 'em know I'm busy.
175
00:09:46,860 --> 00:09:48,896
Yeah, but you're not busy, are you?
You're on Twitter.
176
00:09:48,940 --> 00:09:50,976
- Oh!
- I can work and tweet, you know.
177
00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:52,499
She's going to put me on Twitter,
ain't you?
178
00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:53,768
I... I ain't got a phone
but she's gonna put me on her phone.
179
00:09:53,820 --> 00:09:55,731
- Yeah, I did it this morning, actually.
- Oh!
180
00:09:55,780 --> 00:09:58,135
So, you are... @mrdereknoakes
181
00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:00,330
- @mrdereknoakes
- Yeah, so, whatever you want to say,
182
00:10:00,380 --> 00:10:02,018
...you can put it out there.
- Yeah, um...
183
00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:03,971
Derek says...
184
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,453
Do you know what?
That can be your hashtag.
185
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:06,489
What's that?
186
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:09,179
It looks like that, and it's...
if you put that before "Derek says",
187
00:10:09,220 --> 00:10:10,972
everyone can see it
and they can all follow it.
188
00:10:11,020 --> 00:10:13,659
Yeah, hashtag, "Derek says".
189
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:16,214
Yeah, got that.
190
00:10:16,260 --> 00:10:18,376
Yeah. So, what do you want to say?
191
00:10:20,380 --> 00:10:22,098
Be nice to animals.
192
00:10:22,140 --> 00:10:24,449
- Is that it, yeah?
- Yeah.
193
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:27,060
Send. That's out there.
194
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,353
Dad?
195
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,392
I've made a list.
Top ten things what I wants.
196
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,475
- Is that all right?
- That's perfect.
197
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:16,117
I'll keep this in a sealed envelope close
to my heart, and we'll see if it works.
198
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,469
I don't mind if it don't.
199
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:23,594
Er... Joan used to say
all you needs is someone to love,
200
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,517
something to do and something to wish for.
201
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,154
I've got loads of people I loves.
I've got loads to do.
202
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,792
I'm always busy, ain't I?
203
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,796
And I've got loads to wish for.
That's the things I wish for most.
204
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:35,435
You think a lot about people
you've lost, don't you, Derek?
205
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,436
Yeah.
206
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,199
I thinks about them.
I thinks of things they've said.
207
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,232
So, it don't matter if they said it
yesterday or a year ago.
208
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,555
It's still in there and there.
209
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:52,679
He drinks a bit.
210
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:55,839
Like Kev.
211
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:58,189
I think he's nice like Kev, as well,
but...
212
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,995
... but Kev hasn't got any kids
to worry about yet.
213
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,031
And I worries about him.
214
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,994
It's bad for you, drink...
too much drinking.
215
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,073
Bad for your liver, innit?
216
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,509
And you might fall over or summat.
217
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,839
As long as you're nice. He can't help it.
I don't think he can help it.
218
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,753
And I don't want to say anything.
I don't want to upset anyone.
219
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,995
I'm glad he's moving in here.
Good to have him around.
220
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,918
I didn't have a dad for ages
so I'm glad I've got one.
221
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:44,031
"One. I wishes I could talk
chimp and be friends with it.
222
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:46,309
"Two.
223
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,557
"I wishes Kev was healthy,
cos he's lovely and funny,
224
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,433
"and I'm scared of him getting ill
from drinking or AIDS.
225
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,277
"Three.
226
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,117
"A pill what makes you clever.
227
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,789
"Four. A pill what makes you like
horrible people more.
228
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:03,230
"Five. A pill what makes
horrible people nicer.
229
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:04,998
"Six, a pill..." It's another pill.
230
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,952
"...what makes old people
not scared of dying.
231
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,993
"Seven. A pill what makes spiders
keep away but not hurt them.
232
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,913
"Eight. I would like to meet Leona Lewis.
233
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:19,953
"Nine. I wish everyone had a mum and a
dad, and they all died at the same time.
234
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,150
"Ten. I wish Hannah had more money,
235
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:26,318
"cos she is
the hardest-working person I knows.
236
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,157
"She's the nicest too.
237
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:32,637
"I knows when she's sad, even though
she tries to pretend she isn't.
238
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,956
"If everyone was like Hannah,
there would never be anything wrong.
239
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,554
"If Hannah was happy,
I wouldn't care about anything else."
240
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,029
Thanks ever so much.
241
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,190
- Derek's dad's a one, in't he?
- What?
242
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,595
Yeah. Have you seen him?
Still trying to sow his old oats.
243
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,074
He's got the women running scared.
244
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,475
I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
245
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:04,078
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
246
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,918
- Bloody hell, Derek mate.
- Go and walk along like a donkey.
247
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,394
- Like a donkey?
- Go on, go on.
248
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,078
- Oh!
249
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,918
- Oh, mate! Get off.
- Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.
250
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,996
Wasting it.
251
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,159
Bit shocking, that, wasn't it?
I've never seen that before,
252
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:29,557
anyone sucking Special Brew
out of a carpet. Not even Kev.
253
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,431
Surprised me.
254
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,233
He acted quickly, didn't he?
He acted on instinct.
255
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:38,592
He sort of saw it seeping away
so he had to do extra-fast slurping.
256
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,596
It was the noise that was worrying.
257
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,237
What's in the carpets?
258
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,635
You get germs, don't you?
259
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,113
Well, does Special Brew kill a germ?
260
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:53,597
Or just make it drunk
so it wasn't so evil?
261
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,756
Could you get AIDS drunk?
262
00:14:55,800 --> 00:15:00,351
Could alcohol kill other things? If it
kills your liver, could it kill rabies?
263
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,157
It's interesting, I know,
isn't it, science?
264
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,393
- What are you doing?
- I'm drawing.
265
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,432
- What is it?
- Do you know what a chimera is?
266
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,038
No.
267
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,230
Um... do you know what a humanzee is?
268
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,191
No.
269
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,073
It's basically a cross between
a human and a chimpanzee.
270
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,111
- How?
- What do you mean, how?
271
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,149
How... how would that happen?
272
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,599
- What, how does it come about?
- Yeah.
273
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,154
Um... how do you think it comes about?
274
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,758
It's when a clown has sex
with a monkey, isn't it?
275
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,793
- Obviously.
- Why?
276
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:36,955
Why would a clown
have sex with a monkey?
277
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:37,989
- Yeah.
- Well, it doesn't have to be a clown.
278
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,474
It can be any human,
but a clown's more likely, innit?
279
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:44,308
Because he's hanging around the circus
all day. What do you think he's gonna do?
280
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:45,349
And what's the baby look like?
281
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:50,520
Well, it looks like... Iooks like any
human baby, but it's covered in hair.
282
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:51,549
- Right?
- Right.
283
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,716
And then it loses the hair
when it's about three.
284
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,512
- Right.
- Then it enters normal society, right?
285
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:57,357
And then it's like at school and
everything. Everything's normal.
286
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,915
Suddenly it's hanging upside down
in trees, ripping kids' arms off.
287
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,791
- Snaps.
- What happens to it?
288
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:03,829
Well, they have to get rid of it,
don't they?
289
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,792
- How?
- Shove it in camps.
290
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,400
Got camps all over. Got one
in Brighton and one in Norwich.
291
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:10,429
Why have we never heard of this, though?
292
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:11,799
Cos they don't want you to know, do they?
293
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,070
- Who?
- Government.
294
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,112
If you... if everyone knew about humanzees,
there'd be panic, wouldn't there?
295
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:18,878
- There'd be riots in the streets, mate.
- Yeah.
296
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,148
- How do you know about it?
- Cos I know about stuff, don't I?
297
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,236
Cos I've got a mate who used
to work in one of the camps.
298
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,316
Used to clean them out
after they'd got rid of the bodies.
299
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:25,839
- He saw some horrible stuff.
- Like what?
300
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:28,075
Seen a goat with arms.
301
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,430
- Why has a goat got arms?
- So it can milk itself.
302
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,033
Geoff's a knob-head, isn't he?
303
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,479
It's just... just his type.
304
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:43,518
And he's loving it, in't he?
Cos you lot are here filming.
305
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,039
Suddenly thinks
he's gonna be a star overnight
306
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,674
just cos he's got his head on the telly.
307
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,157
- What you doing it like that for, mate?
- This is the way I've always done it.
308
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,112
- What?
- This is the way I... you know, I do it.
309
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,230
- It's the way you do it, is it?
- Yeah, this is the way you should do it.
310
00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,838
Yeah, well, the way you do it's wrong.
Schoolboy error.
311
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,348
- How have you worked that out, then?
- Innit?
312
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:03,549
- Hmm?
- Eh?
313
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,589
What do you mean, it's wrong?
314
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,552
I'm worried these old people
are gonna go up in smoke, mate.
315
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,989
Well, they're all gonna end up
that way anyway, aren't they?
316
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,996
At the crematorium.
317
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:15,316
- So, don't worry about it, Geoff.
- All right, very funny, Dougie, yeah.
318
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:18,158
Apart from your hair, mate, I think
you're the luckiest man I've ever met.
319
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,155
- Do you?
- Yeah.
320
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,599
I would have had this sorted
about five minutes ago,
321
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,029
but instead you're there
just annoying me.
322
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:24,718
I can't concentrate
whilst you're wittering on.
323
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,034
What, you can't concentrate
when I'm talking?
324
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,752
- No.
- Ooh.
325
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,791
Got to be able to work under pressure,
mate. It can't be hard to...
326
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,068
Listen, I've worked under pressure, Geoff.
327
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,792
When I was in the Army,
328
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:33,829
you've got to be doing this, that,
you've got to be running.
329
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,952
You've got to be carrying your gun. You've
got to be aware where the enemy are.
330
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,709
- You've got to be...
- Are you getting that? Bullshit.
331
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,313
Oh!
332
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,113
- What did I say? I hate being right.
- Oh, Dougie!
333
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:49,675
Don't touch him!
He's riddled with electricity.
334
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:54,669
- Shall I give him the kiss of life?
- Definitely not. Jesus.
335
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,836
Oh! We doing Duran Duran again?
336
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,314
No, we're not doing fucking
Duran Duran again, Derek.
337
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,070
That's it. No more.
338
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:06,396
There's no point.
The place can't run like this, can it?
339
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,159
There's not enough money. There's not
enough staff. There's too many residents.
340
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,191
I'm taking on too much.
I've got loads going on in my head.
341
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,357
I can't remember what I'm doing.
That's why I ballsed up the plug.
342
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:18,632
That's why I got that major shock,
just because I've got too much to do.
343
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,432
I ended up rolling about on the floor
with my hair all over the place,
344
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,311
looking like fucking Ken Dodd.
345
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,519
I've just got to get out.
346
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,676
That's... that's the top and bottom of it.
347
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,759
Then there's little things I'll miss,
348
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,360
you know, the residents,
not seeing them every day.
349
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,675
Hannah. Derek.
350
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,269
A little bit of me that'll miss Kev.
351
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:49,438
It's just Geoff the knob-head that I...
you know, I never need to see him again.
352
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,039
Oh...
353
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,757
Well, it's my best day ever
and it's my worst day ever.
354
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,677
Oh, it's not that bad.
355
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,678
He's only leaving. He's... he's not dead.
356
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,075
And you can still be friends.
357
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:08,476
Yeah, I know, but I likes to see
my friends every day.
358
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,990
That's why I works here.
It's my favouritest thing.
359
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:30,709
Go on.
360
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,115
- It's your go.
- Oh.
361
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,959
How do you tell
which end of a worm is its mouth
362
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,991
and which end of a worm is its arsehole?
363
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,712
Don't know.
364
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:45,276
You put it in a bowl of flour
and you wait till it farts.
365
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,231
- What if it coughs?
366
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,077
Bugger me. Do you ever get jokes, boy?
367
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,599
Yeah.
368
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,915
- Here's a better one.
Go on.
369
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:56,430
What do you do
when you want to shag a fat bird?
370
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,675
Roll her in flour
and aim for the wet spot.
371
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,354
And by "wet spot",
I mean vaginal not anal.
372
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,269
The anus should rarely be wet, Pam.
373
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,798
Biscuit?
374
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:11,989
No, thank you.
375
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,189
- No.
- No thanks.
376
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:15,754
- Oh! Hannah?
- Yeah?
377
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:19,873
Can... can we play the Lizzie DVD again?
378
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,435
- Again?
- Yeah. I loves it.
379
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:28,474
The production team put together
a film of all Lizzie's best moments.
380
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,478
So... Derek loves watching it.
381
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,391
OK?
382
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,591
Heyl
383
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,831
- Thank you.
384
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,076
Thank you.
385
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:54,156
Oh.
386
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,838
Good night, everyone.
387
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,279
- Night.
- Night-night.
388
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:01,672
Where's everybody gone?
389
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,792
What? Off to bed. It's after ten o'clock.
390
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,718
Ten o'fucking clock?!
391
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,479
- Anyone for a nightcap?
- Yeah, I'll have one, mate.
392
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,398
Oh, I've got a present for you, Derek.
393
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,477
- What?
- It's the photo album.
394
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,432
With my one picture of you in it.
395
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,278
Heh. And I hope to add to it.
396
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,595
I was hoping for a bike.
397
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,710
I'm only joking. Thank you.
398
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,069
There's no real pictures any more, though.
It's all digitals.
399
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:33,917
How can we get real pictures for it?
400
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,598
I can print them out, mate.
401
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,915
- How?
- I'll save them all on the desktop.
402
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,873
Print them out
the exact size of that little book.
403
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,194
Excellent.
404
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,390
When half your adult life
has been dedicated to internet porn,
405
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:46,839
you pick up a few things.
406
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,072
And for once, I do not mean genital warts.
407
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:54,273
Yep.
32474
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