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1
00:00:31,697 --> 00:00:33,332
- This is truly unprecedented.
2
00:00:33,365 --> 00:00:35,334
- Josh, we're making dinner.
3
00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:37,370
Turn off the boob tube, you
knucklehead!
4
00:00:37,403 --> 00:00:38,204
- Okay, Dad.
5
00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:41,207
- Hello, America.
6
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,309
Do not adjust your television
sets.
7
00:00:43,342 --> 00:00:45,611
The Coalition for Transparency
8
00:00:45,644 --> 00:00:48,514
has taken over this broadcast.
9
00:00:48,547 --> 00:00:51,384
Too long, people have hidden
their truths.
10
00:00:51,417 --> 00:00:55,621
The world needs transparency
now more than ever.
11
00:00:55,654 --> 00:00:58,391
Two hours from now,
your world will change.
12
00:00:58,424 --> 00:01:02,161
Two hours from now, we will know
all.
13
00:01:02,194 --> 00:01:04,130
Two hours from now,
14
00:01:04,163 --> 00:01:08,601
we will reveal your search
histories.
15
00:01:14,173 --> 00:01:14,807
- That's ridiculous!
16
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,542
- Yeah, right.
17
00:01:16,575 --> 00:01:18,277
Oh big whoop, okay.
18
00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:21,347
- Wow.
19
00:01:21,381 --> 00:01:22,682
Well, I guess I know I'm gonna
delete
20
00:01:22,715 --> 00:01:24,684
my search history once I get
home.
21
00:01:24,717 --> 00:01:25,751
- Folks, our
producers
22
00:01:25,784 --> 00:01:27,120
will figure out what that was,
23
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:28,154
in the meantime let's go back
to--
24
00:01:28,188 --> 00:01:29,689
- Honey, do you know
where I put my grey suit?
25
00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:31,457
I just remembered I need it for
tomorrow.
26
00:01:31,490 --> 00:01:31,991
- I think it's--
27
00:01:32,024 --> 00:01:32,859
- The laundry room.
28
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:35,795
Don't worry, I'll get it.
29
00:01:35,828 --> 00:01:37,463
- Oh shoot, it's Wednesday.
30
00:01:37,496 --> 00:01:38,798
I have to take,
31
00:01:38,831 --> 00:01:39,899
I forgot tennis.
32
00:01:39,932 --> 00:01:42,368
I'm so forgetful!
33
00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:46,572
- Yeah, me too.
34
00:02:13,599 --> 00:02:15,835
- Olive, how was piano this
week?
35
00:02:15,868 --> 00:02:17,770
- Folks, thank you for sticking
with us.
36
00:02:17,803 --> 00:02:19,372
We are now hearing that
37
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:21,741
even if you delete your
local search history,
38
00:02:21,774 --> 00:02:24,410
it will still be available
somewhere else.
39
00:02:24,443 --> 00:02:27,346
Meaning, in all likelihood,
it will be released.
40
00:02:27,379 --> 00:02:29,782
Sorry, Parm.
41
00:02:29,815 --> 00:02:31,684
- That's gonna be really bad.
42
00:02:31,717 --> 00:02:32,752
- It's fine.
43
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,655
- I must get ahead of this one,
end quote.
44
00:02:35,688 --> 00:02:37,623
Making our new president the
second one
45
00:02:37,656 --> 00:02:39,692
to be sworn in, in the last
hour.
46
00:02:39,725 --> 00:02:41,427
Now, if you are just joining us,
47
00:02:41,460 --> 00:02:43,596
we are trying to
understand how the exposure
48
00:02:43,629 --> 00:02:45,765
of our search histories will
effect us.
49
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,600
Joining us is Victor Sussman,
50
00:02:47,633 --> 00:02:49,835
he is an expert in cyber
terrorism from MIT,
51
00:02:49,868 --> 00:02:50,903
thank you so much for being
here.
52
00:02:50,936 --> 00:02:52,271
- Gosh, thanks for having me
Parm.
53
00:02:52,304 --> 00:02:55,508
Basically, the long and short of
this is,
54
00:02:56,542 --> 00:02:57,177
well,
55
00:02:58,477 --> 00:03:00,780
this is the worst thing
that could ever happen.
56
00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:01,914
- Wow, really?
57
00:03:01,947 --> 00:03:02,715
- Really.
58
00:03:02,748 --> 00:03:03,950
What was your last Google
search?
59
00:03:03,983 --> 00:03:05,618
- What are you guys drinking?
60
00:03:05,651 --> 00:03:06,786
- Just juice.
61
00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:10,323
Hey, your dad and I think
we have a pretty good idea.
62
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:11,490
- Your mom's the brains here.
63
00:03:11,523 --> 00:03:12,925
All credits to her.
64
00:03:12,958 --> 00:03:15,328
- If everyone's search
history is out there,
65
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,598
then we should all
agree not to look at it.
66
00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:22,435
- Yes, as a family we shouldn't
invade each other's privacy.
67
00:03:22,468 --> 00:03:23,603
- Why?
68
00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:24,937
- Olive.
69
00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:27,506
Nothing good can come of looking
at it.
70
00:03:27,539 --> 00:03:29,308
It's silly, really.
71
00:03:29,341 --> 00:03:30,376
- Well are you hiding something?
72
00:03:30,409 --> 00:03:31,277
- No, are you?
73
00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:31,844
- No.
74
00:03:31,877 --> 00:03:32,778
- Well I know I'm not,
75
00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:35,581
and I don't think anyone in this
house is,
76
00:03:35,614 --> 00:03:36,582
and that's the point.
77
00:03:36,615 --> 00:03:38,851
We should all just love
and respect each other.
78
00:03:42,454 --> 00:03:44,690
- Folks, for the first time in
US history,
79
00:03:44,723 --> 00:03:46,259
in just under two hours,
80
00:03:46,292 --> 00:03:48,961
we have seen five presidents
resign from office.
81
00:03:48,994 --> 00:03:49,662
This is--
82
00:03:49,695 --> 00:03:50,997
- Sorry to cut you off, Parm,
83
00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:53,266
but the moment of truth is here.
84
00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:54,400
It's happening in
85
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:55,301
five,
86
00:03:55,334 --> 00:03:56,369
four,
87
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:57,436
three,
88
00:03:57,469 --> 00:03:58,537
two,
89
00:03:58,570 --> 00:03:59,538
one,
90
00:03:59,571 --> 00:04:00,373
now.
91
00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:05,778
- Well, it seems like
nothing's happening here, so.
92
00:04:05,811 --> 00:04:09,715
- No Parm, we are getting
word that the website is live.
93
00:04:09,748 --> 00:04:12,652
- Look, this is gonna take
a long time to figure out.
94
00:04:12,685 --> 00:04:13,786
Who can figure out what?
95
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,588
No, it looks like it's
incredibly intuitive, actually.
96
00:04:15,621 --> 00:04:17,757
I can just type in your
name, Parm Daniels,
97
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:19,492
and your whole search history
comes up
98
00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:21,494
in this really impressively
organized database.
99
00:04:21,527 --> 00:04:22,328
It's amazing.
100
00:04:22,361 --> 00:04:23,195
- Please.
101
00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:25,998
- Wait, Parm, what are frisbee
boys?
102
00:04:26,031 --> 00:04:27,600
- Gimme that.
103
00:04:27,633 --> 00:04:28,034
Dammit.
104
00:04:31,036 --> 00:04:32,638
- That's my personal property,
Parm.
105
00:04:33,872 --> 00:04:35,007
- Okay, this is happening.
106
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,510
All tablets and phones into the
tool box.
107
00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:39,612
- No matter what happens out
there,
108
00:04:39,645 --> 00:04:42,381
we're going to weather
this storm as a family.
109
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,044
- So, how's--
110
00:05:14,847 --> 00:05:15,948
- Is that Mrs. Talbot?
111
00:05:15,981 --> 00:05:16,982
- Yeah.
112
00:05:17,015 --> 00:05:18,718
- Yeah, it was.
113
00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:23,689
- Where are you going?
114
00:05:23,722 --> 00:05:25,091
- To get more water.
115
00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:27,393
- Oh, sorry.
116
00:05:29,962 --> 00:05:31,430
Have you heard from work?
117
00:05:31,463 --> 00:05:33,666
- Yeah, it's fine.
118
00:05:33,699 --> 00:05:35,701
CEO skipped town,
119
00:05:35,734 --> 00:05:38,437
so I may have to find something
new.
120
00:05:43,842 --> 00:05:45,578
- How 'bout some music?
121
00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:47,613
Let's turn on the radio.
122
00:05:47,646 --> 00:05:49,915
- The radio?
123
00:05:58,123 --> 00:05:59,091
- We interrupt this
music
124
00:05:59,124 --> 00:06:01,594
to bring you breaking
news out of Washington,
125
00:06:01,627 --> 00:06:03,796
where our sixth president in two
hours
126
00:06:03,829 --> 00:06:06,499
is currently being impeached.
127
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:07,900
- Ladies and
gentlemen, the press,
128
00:06:07,933 --> 00:06:08,968
thank you for coming here.
129
00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:13,038
All I did was search for
a human-chimpanzee hybrid.
130
00:06:13,071 --> 00:06:15,474
I heard a rumor that they might
exist,
131
00:06:15,507 --> 00:06:16,809
and just thought it was weird,
132
00:06:16,842 --> 00:06:18,043
and wanted to look it up.
133
00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:22,615
I am not currently creating
genetically modified soldiers.
134
00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:24,683
Someone just told me about it
one day,
135
00:06:24,716 --> 00:06:26,886
and my curiosity got the best of
me!
136
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:29,488
I just wanted to know
what it would look like!
137
00:06:29,521 --> 00:06:30,756
- I kinda get where he's coming
from.
138
00:06:30,789 --> 00:06:33,726
- You know, Olive's been gone
for a while.
139
00:06:37,729 --> 00:06:38,697
- Olive, no!
140
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,976
- Wait, let's think about this.
141
00:06:51,009 --> 00:06:53,179
- Right, let's all just
stay calm and use our heads.
142
00:06:53,212 --> 00:06:54,547
- You guys would not be acting
like this
143
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:55,815
if you did not have something to
hide.
144
00:06:55,848 --> 00:06:56,682
- Tell us then!
145
00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:57,383
- Kids, you're telling me you've
never
146
00:06:57,416 --> 00:06:58,251
searched for something weird?
147
00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:00,920
- I mean, yeah, but I want to
know.
148
00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:04,123
- Wait, wait, no don't!
149
00:07:04,156 --> 00:07:06,091
- Jim, man-up and help me out.
150
00:07:06,124 --> 00:07:06,992
- Don't you touch.
151
00:07:07,025 --> 00:07:07,793
No!
152
00:07:07,826 --> 00:07:11,497
- Dad, what is 'is dad bod
cool?'
153
00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:12,031
- It's nothing!
154
00:07:12,064 --> 00:07:12,732
I was joking!
155
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,234
- What about 'centaurs real?'
156
00:07:15,267 --> 00:07:17,136
Are you that dumb?
157
00:07:17,169 --> 00:07:18,137
- Josh, please!
158
00:07:18,170 --> 00:07:20,206
- You actually thought
the centaurs were real?
159
00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:22,208
You're a sad, stupid man.
160
00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:24,076
- I wasn't sure!
161
00:07:24,109 --> 00:07:26,846
Joshie, both halves
are independently real.
162
00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:28,113
- That makes no sense!
163
00:07:28,146 --> 00:07:29,114
- You wanna do this?
164
00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:29,681
- Let's go!
165
00:07:29,714 --> 00:07:30,783
- You wanna do this boy?
166
00:07:30,816 --> 00:07:31,484
- Yeah, let's go.
167
00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:33,819
- You searched for 'ass yacht.'
168
00:07:33,852 --> 00:07:34,787
What?
169
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:35,254
- Yeah, so?
170
00:07:35,287 --> 00:07:36,055
- Ass yacht?
171
00:07:36,088 --> 00:07:38,491
- Yeah, ass yacht.
172
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,960
- Olive, just come out
sweetheart.
173
00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:42,161
None of us have to be
embarrassed
174
00:07:42,194 --> 00:07:44,563
or upset about anything we've
searched.
175
00:07:44,596 --> 00:07:45,931
It's all normal.
176
00:07:45,964 --> 00:07:48,200
- Why did you search 'where
to get burner phone?'
177
00:07:48,233 --> 00:07:48,901
- Huh?
178
00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:49,802
What is that?
179
00:07:51,069 --> 00:07:52,605
What is 'how to abandon car?'
180
00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:55,641
- Okay, well while we're at it,
181
00:07:55,674 --> 00:07:59,512
what is 'dolphin hair for
girls?'
182
00:07:59,545 --> 00:08:01,280
- I wanna have dolphin hair.
183
00:08:01,313 --> 00:08:06,085
- Hey Jim, why are you searching
'Blake Lively married?'
184
00:08:06,118 --> 00:08:07,887
- Because I just couldn't
remember, alright?
185
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,855
Why are you searching 'European
boat sex?'
186
00:08:09,888 --> 00:08:11,590
- I guess I couldn't remember
either.
187
00:08:11,623 --> 00:08:13,025
'Kirsten Dunst married?'
188
00:08:13,058 --> 00:08:14,627
- I just wanna know who's
married.
189
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,128
- Oh, you're disgusting.
190
00:08:16,161 --> 00:08:17,196
- I'm disgusting?
191
00:08:17,229 --> 00:08:19,064
What the heck is 'poisoning
non-lethal,' Laura?
192
00:08:19,097 --> 00:08:20,298
- Shut up, pervert!
193
00:08:20,332 --> 00:08:23,569
You have no idea what it's like
when nobody appreciates you.
194
00:08:23,602 --> 00:08:24,570
- Laura, I--
195
00:08:24,603 --> 00:08:26,539
- Hey Joshua, what's a
'butt squash fetish?'
196
00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:27,740
- Nothing!
197
00:08:27,773 --> 00:08:29,575
You looked up how to be a
dolphin.
198
00:08:29,608 --> 00:08:30,843
- Yeah, because I want to be a
dolphin.
199
00:08:30,876 --> 00:08:31,777
- Well, that's impossible.
200
00:08:31,810 --> 00:08:32,711
- No, it's not, you pervert.
201
00:08:32,744 --> 00:08:33,578
- Hey!
202
00:08:33,612 --> 00:08:35,748
- What does 'penis warts new'
mean?
203
00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:36,749
- Okay, put the racket down.
204
00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:37,616
Let me explain.
205
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,852
What does 'new life Barbados'
mean?
206
00:08:39,885 --> 00:08:42,121
- Exactly what you think it
does, Jim.
207
00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:43,822
- Okay, everyone stop!
208
00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:45,157
Stop!
209
00:08:45,190 --> 00:08:47,192
Let's just say the most
questionable thing
210
00:08:47,225 --> 00:08:51,130
that we searched for,
so that we can move on?
211
00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:53,265
- Fine.
212
00:08:53,298 --> 00:08:56,035
- Okay, I'll go first.
213
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:57,870
Thank you.
214
00:08:57,903 --> 00:09:00,573
I searched for 'how many
ounces in a gallon.'
215
00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:01,840
- But you search that everyday.
216
00:09:01,873 --> 00:09:03,275
- Because I just can't remember!
217
00:09:03,308 --> 00:09:04,043
- There it is!
218
00:09:04,076 --> 00:09:04,677
- I'm a dolphin!
219
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:07,046
- 'I'm scared of my son?'
220
00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:08,981
- 'How to leave family
guilt-free?'
221
00:09:09,014 --> 00:09:09,949
- What's 'squash sex boat?'
222
00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:12,318
- 'Words to Linkin Park
Transformers song?'
223
00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:16,021
- 'Do hummingbirds
have feet?'
224
00:09:16,054 --> 00:09:19,124
- We all looked for 'do
hummingbirds have feet?'
225
00:09:21,259 --> 00:09:23,696
- I thought they did, but
I just couldn't remember
226
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,130
what they looked like.
227
00:09:25,163 --> 00:09:26,732
- Well they, of course, do.
228
00:09:26,765 --> 00:09:28,367
- I just wanted to see them.
229
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,134
- Me too.
230
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:30,970
- Wow.
231
00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:32,638
What just happened here, gang?
232
00:09:32,671 --> 00:09:35,341
- I think we all got a little
caught up in the frenzy.
233
00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:37,977
- Well isn't that what the
internet's for?
234
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,211
To learn new things?
235
00:09:39,244 --> 00:09:40,746
- Yeah, exactly.
236
00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:42,014
It's normal to be curious,
237
00:09:42,047 --> 00:09:44,183
and we have to accept that as a
family.
238
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:46,051
Just like I accept you guys.
239
00:09:52,991 --> 00:09:55,728
- I cannot wait until
this is all sorted out.
240
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:58,130
- Okay, but 'Amanda Bynes
married?'
241
00:09:58,163 --> 00:09:59,131
Really, Dad?
242
00:09:59,164 --> 00:09:59,798
- Come on.
243
00:09:59,831 --> 00:10:01,033
- Guys, I--
244
00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:35,401
- Victor Sussman
here,
245
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:37,236
with an update on our
search history crisis.
246
00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:39,004
I know our viewers are eager to
hear more
247
00:10:39,037 --> 00:10:41,674
about the unfolding crisis,
so let me just say this.
248
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:42,741
We know now that hundreds,
249
00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:44,743
maybe even thousands of people
250
00:10:44,776 --> 00:10:47,079
searched for 'safe to shave ass
hair.'
251
00:10:47,112 --> 00:10:48,781
Not just me, okay?
252
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,150
And when you consider it is,
in fact, that many people,
253
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:53,852
really, and frankly, it's weird
if you think that I'm weird!
254
00:10:53,885 --> 00:10:55,954
So, let's just keep that in
mind, okay?
255
00:10:55,987 --> 00:10:57,222
We will get through this crisis,
256
00:10:57,255 --> 00:10:59,692
and in-time, no one will even
remember
257
00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:02,161
that I searched for
'penis stuck in printer,'
258
00:11:02,194 --> 00:11:04,396
and they will stop asking
me questions about it,
259
00:11:04,429 --> 00:11:07,700
because, okay, America,
it doesn't matter whether
260
00:11:07,733 --> 00:11:10,102
if it was my penis or
somebody else's penis,
261
00:11:10,135 --> 00:11:12,171
or how that would frankly
even work in the first place.
262
00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:15,074
It's not that big of a deal,
guys!
263
00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:18,811
Let's just stop talking about
it, please.
264
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:20,112
I'm a respected professional,
265
00:11:20,145 --> 00:11:23,415
and you are tearing down my
reputation.
266
00:11:23,448 --> 00:11:26,118
Everybody searches about their
dick, guys.
18412
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