All language subtitles for Nobody.Wants.This.S01E04.NF.WEBRip

You guys, I cannot
find Rebecca on Instagram,

and I've done every possible combination.

Rebecca Vassar. Rebecca car accident.

Oh, car accident. Maybe she's not on there
because maybe she's dead.

- Did she die?
- No. She just broke her wrist.

For attention. And it was
a very high-level move. I respect it.

Okay, you guys,
Rebecca's not on Instagram.

Wait. How do people know
that she goes on vacation?

She doesn't need validation
like the rest of us.

- How am I supposed to compete with that?
- Mm. You can't. You need way too much.

- You need a lot.
- Don't!

That's not helping my anxiety for tonight.
We have our first real date.

Okay, focus.

You gotta lock this guy down. Like, fast.

He is hot. He's employed.
He doesn't have kids. He comes from money.

He's like a fucking unicorn in this town.

And, babe, the clock is ticking
on that face of yours.

How long do you think I have left
on my face?

I'm talking months, not years.
I know. It's bad. I'm sorry.

- Can we talk about the podcast real quick?
- Yes.

You're interviewing
that sex therapist tomorrow,

so you gotta pick up
the vibrator she's selling.

- Yes. What's it called? The Plower?
- No, the Excavator.

- No, no, no. It's the Obliterator.
- Oh, I love that thing!

But warning, you do really need
to work your way up to level ten.

- Like, take it slow.
- Little by little.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so you should need at least
one of these tonight unless you biff it.

It's so weird how you buy condoms
for all your friends.

We all talk about it.

All right, just take your pick.

I want you to feel comfortable,
so take whatever you need. No judgment.

- Everyone's built differently.
- Man, you're so good at this.

You could make a business out of this.
You know, like Hitch.

- Bro, thank you.
- Yeah.

Film was a fucking masterpiece.

So good, right?

You know what the truth is?
I love helping people.

The last thing you need
is to knock up a rebound.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa. She's not a rebound.

Dude, two minutes after a big breakup,

some short, sparkly Barbie rolls along,
who's the complete opposite of Rebecca.

- No, you're wrong.
- Come on. Is a rebound so bad?

You have a little fun,
and you get your mind off Rebecca.

Fair enough, but Joanne's more than fun.

Dude, you're saying that
like fun's a bad thing.

- No.
- We love fun.

But do we end up with fun?

Yeah, have you met Esther?
She's not fun. That's why I married her.

Listen, I have to be honest.
You guys are getting in my head a bit.

I'll tell you something.
Joanne's more than just a rebound, okay?

And I know, sure, on the surface,
she seems very "fun,"

but I really think
there's a lot more to her than that.

You know what I'm gonna do?
Tonight, I'm gonna go deeper.

I'm gonna push really deep with her.

- You're gonna push deeper.
- Deep as hell, man.

- Yeah. Yeah. I'll...
- You might hit her sternum.

Oh my God.

- This one's got a yarmulke on it.
- All right.

Hey, how much do I Venmo you
for my half of the Obliterator?

Okay. Well, first of all,
let's do single ownership on this one.

- Okay.
- Right?

Second of all, um, I didn't get it
because I thought you were getting it.

Wait, what? No, can you please get it?

'Cause I have my date with Noah tonight,
and it's, like, consuming me.

Oh my God. It's consuming you?
Joanne, you met this guy 48 hours ago.

Yeah, but...

Okay, I know this might sound insane,
but this could be the last time

I ever have sex
with someone for the first time.

Are you okay?

It's wild.

Oh God.

Oh my God, Mom. You know what?

I'm sorry, but if she is gonna send us
unhinged videos of her doing mushrooms,

then she needs to do mushrooms less
'cause I cannot.

I know. She's a lot.

That's why I just delete them. I already
can hear what she's going to say.

You know, she's just like,

"The medicine told me to tell you both
how grateful I am for both of you."

You know? Then it's just, like,
two minutes of insanity.

Right.

- That's where you get it.
- What?

I am so not like Mom.

Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.
- You are both a lot.

She scares people off.
You scare people off.

Wait. Why has no one ever told me this?

Because they're scared.

Listen, okay? You just need to be,
like, casual. All right? Be aloof.

Don't show him how much you like him.
He'll have nothing to chase.

Why drink the milk
when you can buy the cow for free?

Yes, no. That's not the phrase,
but I do hear you.

- Yes, it is.
- Even though now I'm totally spinning.

No, I think that's right.

It's "why drink the milk
when you can buy the cow for free?"

That sounds right. "Why drink the milk
when you can buy the cow for free?"

I think you're wrong.
I think that's right.

- Oh!
- Hey, babe.

- Hi, babe.
- What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just out here
pairing your gargantuan socks.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

What?

Remember when the Red Hot Chili Peppers
would only wear one sock? That was sexy.

Um, what... What is this here?

I just thought that we missed our
regularly scheduled Wednesday sex night,

and with Miriam at a sleepover,
maybe we can make up for lost time.

What do you think? I'm just trying
to grease the wheels a little bit.

I see. And in this scenario,
I'm the wheels.

Yeah, but the hot wheels.

- Shoes off the bed, please? Okay.
- Okay.

Absolutely.

There they go.

- Don't need those.
- "Don't need those."

Listen, I wish I... Okay, here he goes.

I wish I could,
but I'm going to the bar with Rebecca.

She needs a wingwoman.
She's gotta get back on the horse.

- You know what?
- What?

- Why don't you just cancel plans?
- Oh no.

- 'Cause I know you love canceling plans.
- I wish I could, but she really needs me.

So it's gonna be you
all by your lonesome tonight.

So I'm gonna be at the house,
totally alone, all by myself?

You can do your Chili Peppers sock trick
all by yourself, you little perv.

Sure these shorts
aren't doing anything for you?

- No.
- They're mesh.

Okay.

Hi.

- You look amazing.
- Thank you.

- You also look really nice.
- I appreciate it. First date. You nervous?

Oh, nah. No. You?

Good. No. Look at that.

And you're picking me up at my front door.
Chivalry's alive and well.

I'm not gonna let you walk
to the car alone. That's crazy.

Sorry.

Oh my God. Sorry.

- Hold on. It's my sister.
- Sure.

Hey, girl. What's up?
I'm with Noah. Everything okay?

Yeah, are you being a psycho yet?

You're so funny.

Okay, so I went to three places,
and they were all sold out, so...

Okay. Can you, um, find another place,
then? Can you please figure this out?

No. No. I gave up, um,
and I have plans, so you're it. Bye.

I can't...

- Fuck.
- Everything okay?

- Yeah.
- You sure?

Yeah. We have this exciting sex therapist
on the podcast tomorrow.

It was a big get for us,
and it is vital that we are prepared.

My stupid sister was supposed to pick up
her product, which is called the...

Doesn't matter what it's called.
Uh, but she didn't get it.

And that's fine.

That's fine.

We have some time before dinner.
Why don't we go get it?

No, we don't need to.
It's chill. I'm chill.

Are you sure?
You said it's important. It's for work.

- It is important.
- Let's get it.

- I don't wanna drag you on my errands.
- You're not dragging me.

- What if we did this at a different time?
- Yes.

- Really? You wanna get out of the date?
- No. I... No.

- No? You sure?
- Definitely not.

- Great.
- I just feel like you don't...

Let's just... You tell me where we're going,
and then we'll do that.

Okay, here we go.

♪ I got chicken parm, and my family's gone
And I'm gonna eat some weed ♪

♪ Everything is better
When the family's gone ♪

♪ And I'm gonna watch TV ♪

How many of these have I had already?
How long have I been talking to myself?

Oh, fuck it. All right.

♪ Here we go, gonna watch the thing ♪

♪ And it is gonna be so great ♪

All right, Tommy. Tom Cruise, here we go.

You are a problematic weirdo,
but goddamn it, you're a movie star.

- Mom!
- Hello?

I need you, Mom!

Miriam? Oh, hey, hon.

- What are you doing back so early?
- Angelica is an actual psycho, okay?

She messaged Caleb, "Miriam likes you."
So we got in a huge fight, and I left.

Okay, all right.
That sounds... That sounds bad.

I think what you should do
is go right back over there

and hit it head-on.

Just let me know what happens
in two hours and 40 minutes-ish.

Okay, right now,
Caleb is with his haftarah tutor

who makes him put away his phone.

But in 30 minutes,
he's going to read Angelica's message,

and my life will end.

Mom isn't answering her phone,
and I need someone to help me!

Okay, Caleb's the haftarah tutor?

- What?
- No, Caleb's the one...

Okay, all right. You just need help.

- Yeah.
- Okay. Uh, great. Someone to help.

Um...

Oh no, that someone is me.

Okay.

- Are you sure you want that?
- I don't want that, but...

Okay, no, I get it. Any port in a storm.
Yeah, let's... let's... let's do it.

- Is this the kind of place you shop often?
- Ah...

No wrong answers, no wrong answers.

No, I, um... I shop like a normal person.

You know, on the Internet.

Uh...

I bet Rebecca would never take you
to a place like this, huh?

Uh, no, don't think she would,

but that's not necessarily
a good thing, you know?

Right. Well, for the record,
I wasn't trying to take you here.

It's strictly for work.

And also there's no way
I'm gonna be able to find it.

- I'm just gonna ask so we can go.
- Okay.

Hi, sir. Hi. Um, sorry.
This is not a familiar setting for me,

so can you tell us
where your vibrators are?

What kind of stimulation?

Classic, clitoral, G-spot,
anal, suction, dual?

We've also got thrusters, grinders,
pump action, remote control

in case, uh, you and this stud
wanna have a little fun together.

- I'm just... I'm just a chaperone here.
- Yeah.

- Oh, we love a daddy.
- Yeah, please don't scare him.

Yeah. Can you just tell us... point us
in the direction of the Obliterator?

- Yes.
- Uh, it's my first time.

Not like my first time, my first time.
Did you...

'Cause... I've had sex before.

It's just my first time in the store.
The Obliterator.

The Obliterator is a very popular choice.

- Right.
- But just be careful.

Okay? You wanna
work your way up to level ten.

My friend went straight to ten.

She can't fly now
because the shaking is so triggering.

She can't do turbulence.

- Okay. Good Lord.
- Okay. Great.

Could you tell us where it is?
'Cause we, um... We have plans.

- Yeah, we have plans.
- I bet you do.

- This guy.
- There in the back.

- Thanks.
- Okay. Thanks.

- I really am sorry about this.
- Oh no!

But it'll be a funny story that, one day,
we can tell to our... all of our friends.

There it is.

Yes! Last one too.

- Great.
- It's got some weight to it.

A lot of warnings too. Look at this.
"Don't operate heavy machinery after use."

- Yikes.
- "Can cause heart attack."

Wow. That's actually
one of my biggest fears.

- Really? A heart attack?
- Yeah.

What about you? What's your biggest fear?

Oh, um, I don't know. Bad facelift.

Come on. I'm serious.

Well, you don't look serious.

Give me a real answer.
What's your biggest fear?

I don't know, Noah.
Anything from that section, I guess.

I'm just trying to have fun with you.

I'm having fun. I love fun.

I think there's a time and place for fun
and then,

you know, sometimes,
it's important to get serious

and connect on a deeper level.

- In here?
- Yeah, listen.

If you don't open up to me...

uh, you know, I... I... I... might have to just

severely discipline you.

I don't want to. I don't wanna do this.

- It's happening again.
- You're not gonna.

Oh!

- I didn't think you'd do it.
- Yes.

- You didn't think so?
- No.

You haven't begun to know me.

- Okay. Listen.
- Yeah?

That is child's play 'cause I actually
have been in here before.

- Whoa, do I have something to show you.
- Really? Oh wow.

- Yeah, buckle up.
- I can't wait to see it.

Grab the biggest butt plug you can find.

Rabbi Roklov?

Hi.

So how about this? I'm just spitballing.
There are no bad ideas.

There are definitely bad ideas!

There might be bad ideas,
but you still have to be supportive.

What I'm suggesting is that maybe we go
to where his haftarah class is,

we break in, we find his bag,
we steal his phone.

We're not stealing his phone.

We're gonna leave him a newer phone.
What time does the Apple Store close?

Can we just go get Mom, please?
She'd at least be comforting.

Okay. Well, screw comforting.
You're a Roklov, and Roklovs take action.

That is it. You're a Roklov.

The text said "Miriam likes you,"
not Miriam Roklov.

That's great. There are a billion
12-year-old Miriams in the world.

Uh, you guys use Snapchat, right?

Yeah. What are you doing?

I'm gonna create a fake profile.
What's his handle?

Caleb slash Brenner.
Spell the slash.

God, that's such an uncreative name.
I hate that.

- What?
- Found him.

- Watch.
- Oh God.

Hi, Caleb.

This is Miriam Bernstein.

- Bernstein?
- I've seen your socials.

We don't go to school together.
But do you wanna hook up?

- Hook up? Dad! Give me the phone!
- Fine. I got this.

How about, uh, hey, do you wanna
meet up tomorrow at Starbies?

No, do not say Starbies.

- Don't interrupt me. I'm in my flow.
- Okay. Can you just say...

Sent.

- Let's see what happens.
- No...

- I'm hungry. Are you hungry?
- No.

Starbies sounds good, doesn't it?
Do you want some Starbies?

No Starbies.

You're right. I should make a coffee here.

Mr. Goldberg!

Ah.

Well, I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll be damned.

What?

So...

How you been?

- Uh, good, good. Good.
- Good.

- Uh, no complaints.
- Mm.

Uh, you?

- No complaints as well.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

You know, I've, uh...
I've never been here before.

I've never been here before either.

Comin' in hot!
That's gonna leave a mark!

Oh my God.

This is
Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg. Joanne.

- Hi.
- This is...

Hi. Uh, nice to meet you.

Mr. Goldberg is actually
a... a board member of our temple.

Shalom.

I'm... I'm really, really sorry.
I never should have brought you here.

It's bad.

- I'm really sorry.
- He's gonna tell my boss. I'm screwed.

But... I mean, is it that bad?

Like, he was in there with his wife too.

Yes, but he's not a rabbi.
I have to change temples now.

Actually, I have to switch careers.
I'll just go work for my dad.

That's what I'm gonna do.
Wow. Wow! Life changes so fast.

Noah. No, I refuse to accept that.

You can just talk to him,
like, man-to-man.

- Blame it on me.
- I don't have his number.

I don't know what to say.

Well, the Internet's a powerful tool.
I can find you his number.

We can figure out what to say.

Mr. Goldberg. Board member. Temple.

How do you spell Chai?

- C-H-A-I.
- C-H-A-I.

- Boom! Is that him?
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay. Well...

Oh.

- What?
- Rabbi Roklov.

Does that look like the woman
who he was in the sex shop with?

No, it doesn't.

That wasn't his wife.

Mr. Goldberg?

You bad, bad boy!

I hate to say it. I hate to say it.

- But this could be good for me.
- Okay, just hold on.

Let's fact-check it and make su...

Well, no.

If you were thinking like I was,

maybe he and his wife are separated.
They're not.

This photo was posted four days ago
for his wedding anniversary.

That's his wife.

- Oh, that's really sad.
- Yes! Yes! Yeah, for sure.

Sad, but also...

...so good.

- So you're okay!
- I feel a lot better.

- I feel very hungry.
- Really? Oh yeah. Okay. Sure.

Let's get you something to eat.
Um, I think we missed the reservation.

- That's the thing. Where do you wanna go?
- Uh...

- A lot of places.
- Where are we?

Oh! Search taco places near us
'cause I heard about a cute spot.

You know what? Actually, um, it's closed.

- Is it?
- Yep.

Okay, listen. I know a good spot.

Still open.

- Really?
- Yep.

Come with me.

Okay.

Your Obliterator.

Do you want ice cream? It's really cold,
like ice cream... is supposed to be.

I'm okay.

Are you worried?

No, not at all.

Okay. The way you said that makes me think
you're worried, but I'm not worried.

Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.

Okay, it's him.

"Hey, that's cool."

"But, actually,
I like a different Miriam."

Oh my God. He likes you.

Oh my God. He likes me.

He likes me. He likes me! He likes me!

Hey!

Do you wanna hang out with me?
Cuddle up and watch Mission: Impossible?

I gotta go back to Angelica's.
This is absolutely gonna destroy her.

Yeah, it will. Get back there.

Oh, uh, Dad? Thanks. Sorry for saying
that you never help me with anything.

You never said that.

Bye, honey. Love you.

Love you too, Dad.

- Love you too, Dad.
- Thank you.

"Hey, so I'm not into it,
but my friend Trevor is."

Okay.

What's Trevor's deal?

Is he cool?

Does he play Fortnite?

Good stuff here.

I feel really bad
you had to do all this work

and that we didn't even get to go
to that restaurant that you loved.

I've actually never been
to that restaurant.

I chose it 'cause it looked cool online
and I wanted to impress you.

Okay. Well, this is impressive.

- Really?
- Yes.

Wait till you taste it.

Well, I'm really hungry,
so I'm sure it's gonna be great.

Oh my God. You just whipped that up?

- It's pretty simple.
- It's unbelievable.

- Okay, all right.
- Very impressive.

- You don't have to lie.
- I'm not lying.

Mmm.

Can we talk about tonight?

It felt like something was weird, and, um,

I was just trying to connect, you know?

Yeah, I felt that.

When you asked me my biggest fear
in the sex shop, that felt weird.

- That was awkwardly timed.
- Mm-hmm.

Um, okay.

I'm gonna lay it all out there.

I don't want this to be a rebound.

I want it to be something real.
And maybe that's lame to say,

uh, but I guess I'm okay with that.

I'm not just looking for something fun.
And if you are, that's totally cool.

You don't owe me anything.
I would just like to know.

Yeah, no, um...

Here's the truth.

Actually, I've never done this before,
and it's feeling very scary.

Can you... Would you mind turning around?

- What? You want...
- Fine, I'll do it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Noah, my mom is really emotional,
and it always pushed my dad away.

I'm not saying that's what made him gay,
but it certainly didn't keep him straight.

And I always tried really hard
not to be like that.

And, yes, sometimes I do weird shit,
and I can be impulsive and obsessive,

and I did Google your ex-girlfriend,
and I'm really sorry you had to see that.

I didn't see that.

Oh.

Well, I only did it that once.

And... my biggest fear is a bad facelift,

but I...

I think I'm realizing an even bigger fear.

It is...

this.

That I will become emotionally dependent

on a guy who will one day realize
that I'm too much and break my heart.

Is that the most unattractive thing
you've ever seen?

No. It's the most attractive.

I want this.

I want all of this.

But are you gonna do that, Noah?

Are you gonna break my heart?

It would truly kill me
to break your heart.

♪ I ♪

♪ I've been learning to fly ♪

♪ This whole time... ♪

♪ I, I've... ♪

Hi, babe.

♪...been learning to ride ♪

♪ This life... ♪

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

How was your night?

It was uneventful.

Rebecca talked shit about Noah
for, like, three and a half hours,

- and it still wasn't enough.
- Mm-mm.

How was yours?

It was good.

I got high and watched Mission: Impossible
and helped Miriam out with a boy problem.

- I'm a pretty good dad.
- What? You really are.

Oh my God. You've had some drinks.

I really have.

Think I'm gonna be able
to use this to my advantage?

I really do.

All right.

- Okay.
- Right this way.

Oh. I have to let you know
before anything happens.

Yeah.

I think I'm in a relationship
with a teenage boy I met on the Internet.

Oh. Does he know about me?

Yeah. He was okay with it
because we aren't that serious yet.

Okay. You guys
are still seeing other people?

Yeah, he invited me
to his eighth-grade graduation.

Would you hand me my phone?

Thank you.

Hello, sister.

The medicine wants me to share with you

that I just had incredible sex
with the rabbi

after I showed him all of my crazy.

And guess what?

It didn't scare him.

I'm actually really into it.

♪ I ♪

♪ I've been learning to fly ♪

♪ This whole time ♪

♪ Oh, I ♪

Noah?

- Noah.
- Rabbi Cohen.

I was hoping to catch you.

I had an interesting phone call
with Mr. Goldberg.

I can explain.

- You better.
- Okay.

Because that cheap schmuck,

he just gave us
the biggest donation of the year.

He felt inspired by you.

How did you do it?

Blackmail?

Yeah! Yeah.

That's how I became head rabbi.

Yeah. Well, keep up the good work.

Okay.

♪ I'm still tight with all my demons ♪

♪ And if you see them
Would you please not fuck 'em up? ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, I still fuck with all my demons ♪

♪ And if I'm dreaming
Would you please not wake me up? ♪

♪ Got family traits of an addict
No stick shift, it's automatic ♪

♪ My past was somewhat tragic
And now I need a bad bitch or an actress ♪

♪ Keep some cash under my mattress
In case I get stuck like LA traffic ♪

♪ I always go for the win
Like the Lakers fuck up the Mavericks ♪

♪ And you can suck all the dicks
I'm all fundamentals, not for the tricks ♪

♪ I'm such a fanatic
Got LeBron's schematics in my attic ♪

♪ Got a few bad habits
But I can't bring myself to quit ♪

♪ As we fade to black, my heart attack
Who the fuck said you could be rapping? ♪

♪ I'm still, I'm still
I'm, I'm, I'm still ♪

♪ I'm still tight with all my demons ♪