All language subtitles for Nobody.Wants.This.S01E03.720p.NF.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV. NH

♪ No one knows ♪

♪ No one cares ♪

♪ I keep dressing up
myself And go nowhere ♪

♪ No one loves me ♪

♪ Like I do ♪

♪ And to think there was a
time When that was you ♪

♪ I... ♪

Oh my God, you're late.

- I know.
- Have to do the first segment.

I'd love to apologize,
Morgan, but I can't.

What?

I just had the single greatest
kiss of my entire existence.

Okay, great. Save it
for the show because

I have nothing to
talk about this week.

I've had a UTI for the last three days,
and I didn't even get it the fun way.

- Here's your cranberry juice.
- Thank you.

I used to get them all
the time with your father.

- Mom.
- Gross.

- Morgan, you're gonna die.
- Okay.

Noah and I were playing
this fun cat-and-mouse game,

pretending let's
just be friends.

And, obviously, we both know
that is never gonna happen.

Okay, go on.

I did this cute thing
at the restaurant

where I was like, "I
don't think I can stay."

Let me guess. You stayed.

- Oh, I stayed.
- Yeah.

And then we walked down
the street and ate ice cream.

You know when you
see annoying couples

eating ice cream, and
you wanna kill them?

We were that couple!

Okay, keep going.

Then he said, "Put
down your ice cream."

I don't hate that.

Me neither 'cause
he was taking charge.

Okay. And did you
do what you were told?

I mean, obviously.

- Yes, chef.
- Mm-hmm.

And then you know
what happens next.

You went back and
fucked in the bathroom.

No, we just kissed. I
said that on the way in.

Maybe that's why you
have all those UTIs. My God.

I mean, it's possible.

- Remind me who the guest is tonight.
- Okay, it is Dr. Jay Shah.

- My idea.
- That makes me nervous.

He wrote a book about how your aura
indicates what kind of person you are.

Oh, that sounds... stupid.

Oh, he's not stupid. He has a degree
from the University of Turks and Caicos.

- Okay.
- You need to be fact-checking that.

I did. Kind of.

Where's his biography?

There's nothing here.

There's just quotes and birds.

- Hey!
- Oh! Hey, dude, where you been?

What the hell happened?

I got, like, ten calls
from Rebecca's phone.

It was her mom saying
she's almost in a coma.

I don't know what almost in a
coma means. But yeah, she's okay.

Yeah?

She ran into the back of a parked
bus and she, like, broke her wrist.

She's gotta have a
surgery to put a pin in there.

- Her wrist?
- Yeah.

- That's it?
- Yeah, that's it.

- So she's fine.
- She's okay.

- Thank God.
- Dude, she's better than okay.

She's gonna get
painkillers, and gonna be

able to take a couple
of day off of work.

God, wait. Should I drive
into the back of a bus?

- Honestly, I like that for you.
- Yeah.

Oh, wait. There... Uh, one
more little bit of fun news for you.

Mom and Dad are with Rebecca's parents,
and they're sniping at one another.

The only thing they agree on
is that they're all mad at you.

What are they mad at me for?

Well, you're the one that,
like, caused the accident.

- Obviously.
- What?

She's, like, so heartbroken that
she ran into a bus. It's easy math.

Wait a second.

Do they think she...

like, tried to, like...

What, kill herself?

Because of...

...because of... because of you?

No, look. You're
cute, but you're not

"leave this Earth because
you dumped someone" cute.

I didn't dump her, okay?

People break up. It
happens all the time.

I don't care. I'm just trying to tell
you what the people inside are saying.

I'm playing both sides,

trying to defend you while
also defending myself.

- Great. Thank you so much.
- Yeah.

Where were you? Were you
out with that tiny blonde girl?

Uh, I'm not gonna
answer that right now.

Okay, so that's a yes.

We had a really nice time.

You had a really nice time.
God, you tell the worst stories.

Your aura is...

It's not a forest green.
It's more emerald.

It means that you
are very generous.

Oh... my God!

This stuff actually works
because that is me. That is me.

You literally Venmo requested
me for a smoothie this morning.

- So?
- Do Joanne now.

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Oh no, no. I'm good. I'm
okay. Thank you though.

Please. It's like having
Jason Mraz here,

and you don't ask
him to sing "I'm Yours?"

Mom, you're obsessed
with Jason Mraz.

I see your point,
Mom. Okay, go for it.

- All right? Right. Okay.
- Bring it. Yes.

Okay, for our listeners,

the doctor is moving his
hands around my sister's face.

Oh.

Yep. What? Why are you touching me?
'Cause you didn't touch anybody else.

I'm having a little bit of a
hard time finding your aura.

Wow.

I'm not finding it. It's
rare, but it happens.

That's bad.

Do you think it's possible
that you can't find it

because this is not real?

Oh! So cynical. Starting
to make sense now.

See? This is why
she never got married.

Better than being divorced.

Don't lash out, honey.
It doesn't help your case.

- I'm not trying to prove anything.
- You're screaming.

I'm literally not screaming.

- Wow. She gets like this.
- Oh?

Do you wanna hear something
weird? She's dating a rabbi.

Oh! Really?

Huh.

"Huh"?

What does "huh" mean?

Well, it's just that people who are
close to God have such powerful auras,

whereas yours is... eh.

I have to say it. I don't think
you're allowed to wear that kimono.

My partner is Japanese,

so... arigato.

- You want it too.
- Yulia, don't worry. Ah.

Hey, everyone.

It's a shame she had to have an accident
to get you to pay attention to her.

Well, I'm here.

Where have you been, son?

How is she?

- Sh... sh... she's in God's hands.
- Right.

And how is the wrist?

There's no way to know.

Okay. Can I go see her?

Why? To break her heart too?

No, well... I'm here to
make sure Rebecca's okay.

You don't need to see her.
She's gone through enough.

I spoke to the nurses.
She's gonna be fine.

Suddenly, he's a doctor.

Actually, had my older brother
Sidney not died from typhoid,

I would've gone
to medical school.

I filled out all the
forms and everything.

You hear that? He
filled out the forms.

He did. I was there.

And they were very difficult
and very complicated.

Thank you.

Anatoly, I will let those
insulting comments go

due to our long-term friendship
and the stress of the situation.

The cafeteria was closed, but here's
what I was able to grab from vending.

Noah, how nice of
you to finally join us.

I'm so happy to be here, Esther.
Thank you for the warm welcome.

Okay, and your phone was
broken for the last two hours, or...

I had turned it off
so I could focus.

Oh, focus. Okay.

I'm sure whatever you were
doing, you were on top of it.

That's brutal.

Noah, tell me you've
come to your senses.

Of course you have. You know I
told you that this is just a phase.

All we want to hear is that your
heart is open to a reunion. Huh?

Tonight, let's focus our energy
on Rebecca getting better.

- Give thanks for that.
- Amen.

Bullshit. He's
changing the subject.

You're old enough to be grandparents.
What the hell are you waiting for?

Oh, he's not waiting.
He got himself a shiksa.

Damn it, Esther.

- You're cheating on my daughter?
- No, nobody's cheating.

- Did you know?
- A shiksa? Absolutely not.

- I'm shocked.
- I gotta go.

No, you're not.
You knew. You had

to know. You just
didn't want me to know.

Honey. Honey.

- I'd never speak to you again.
- Honey, don't...

I would have been great
in medical school too.

What?

I would've done great in medical school.
I didn't fill out the forms, but...

I'm just having trouble computing
how you go from a kiss that passionate

and then you just don't
respond for over three hours.

Maybe his side of the kiss

was not the same mouth
experience as your side of the kiss.

- Trust me. That's not the case.
- Okay.

It does feel weird...

- Wait.
- I agree. It's weird.

Is that him?

No, it's my pharmacy telling
me to pick up my Xanax.

- Well, you better go get it.
- You think I sound crazy?

- No!
- Oh, crazy? No. No.

- I'm just joking.
- We're all a little crazy. Come here.

My little angel.

That's nice.

What was the last
thing you texted him?

Oh, I sent...
Well, just read it.

Okay.

I think I nailed it.

Mm-hmm. I'm sure you did.

I'm sorry. "I think I
might be pregnant"?

Don't just read that part.
You have to read the first text.

Okay. "That was a great kiss."

Yeah, it's a joke.
"That was a great kiss.

I think I might be
pregnant." It's funny.

- Ooh.
- I don't get it.

Listen. Okay, guys do
not like pregnancy jokes.

He's confused. He's a rabbi.
He has a different brain than you.

Come on, you have to admit
you guys are a weird pair, no?

- Why?
- Why what?

Why are we a weird pair?
Just because he's a rabbi?

No, I'm just saying, you
know, like, when I met him,

he seemed very... responsible

and, like, kind.

And you...

Have edge, dear.

I'm not a bad person.

We're not saying that you are.

We're just saying that you're,
like, sort of a bad person

relative to a man of God.

Yeah.

I could see you
with a cult leader.

That I could see.

- Noah.
- Huh?

- Noah!
- What? What?

What do you... What?
What do you wanna say?

So... so many things.

Uh, the woman in there, the goddess
who's always been too good for you,

she is currently
fighting for her life.

My dad just said
she's gonna be fine.

- Your dad doesn't know shit.
- Actually, he was almost a doctor.

Yeah, and I almost fucked
Adam Levine in 2003,

but you don't see me flying
high on the Maroon 5 jet, do ya?

Was it worth it?

Was what worth it?

Your little blonde friend who can't stop
talking about ass play on her podcast.

You were just talking
about fucking Adam Levine.

- Almost...
- You fucked Adam Levine?

Almost fucked Adam Levine.
And honestly, at least he's Jewish.

I know my man's Jewish. When
did you almost fuck Adam Levine?

In Cabo, baby. You know this.

We are not done here, Noah.

What are we even doing?

Yeah, what are
we doing? I'm lost.

I'll tell you what he's doing.

He's throwing away a relationship
with literally the perfect woman.

Okay, okay.

Listen. She's not dying. You
can still be friends with her.

Yeah, you can still
be friends with her.

But you're not just
breaking up with her.

You're breaking
up the whole family.

Strong Jewish
guilt you're giving.

Yeah. I feel like
you could use a little.

She still loves you.

Breaking up the family?
What the fuck? I'm sorry, man.

Honey, Adam Levine?

Was that so hard to believe?

I don't know. You just
seem, like, aggressive.

He seems like... More
like a gentle type, I guess.

I mean, it's pretty late. Maybe
he just hasn't seen it yet.

I sent it 15 minutes
after we left each other.

You think he's
just, like, at home

and, you know, brushing his
teeth, getting ready for bed,

setting his alarm from his phone,
and then didn't check his texts?

No. No, he's seen it for sure.

God! Why do I always
have to make a joke?

Most girls would be like, "That was
a lovely night. I had a great time."

But most girls are boring.

Guys seem to like that.

But, like, who cares
what they like, right?

Yes! Yes!

Who cares?

I certainly don't.

I'm not spiraling.

It... I mean, I stand by
the fact that it was a joke

because it was, and it was
funny, and I kissed him very well.

I'm sure.

So I'm not worried
about that at all

because I know I'm a great
kisser, and I'm good. I'm totally good.

- Great.
- I am great, actually.

- Yes. Okay. Great.
- Great. Okay.

Hoo!

My God. She's in
a complete spiral.

♪ The whole world is
weighing you down... ♪

Cult leader.

Those guys are superhot, so...

Yes, I knew it.

Oh, fucking Kyle.

No, thanks.

Actually... Wait.

Oh! That was fast.

- Hey, I have a question for you.
- Yes, you can come over.

I'm not interested in your booty calls
anymore. I have a serious question.

Do you think I'm a good person?

- Like, first thing that comes to mind.
- No.

Well, think about it for a second.
I mean, really give it some time.

Let it marinate.

When I think of Joanne,
I think of someone who is

goo...

Oh, okay. I see
what you're doing.

You're calling the
worst person you know

because only someone
as shitty as me would think

that somebody as shitty as
you isn't really that bad, huh?

No, I'm not... Oh shit!

Nailed it.

God, I love this. Getting honest
with each other, you know?

Wait. What? No.
Ho-hold on, hold on.

Can I tell you
something personal?

I'm so rock hard
right now, it hurts.

Hi, little buddy.

Where's your mom and dad?

Okay. Yeah, I
could be into this.

Um...

Mommy and Daddy
are in Phoenix right now

where they have a time-share.

Ew! Kyle, can you not?

What? You started
this, Joanne. Fuck. I...

You know what, Kyle? I just remembered.
I actually don't care what you think.

Buddy! Doggy!

Come here, dog!

Where... Oh, hi.

What do you want?
What do I have?

I have half a cracker,

um, a mint, and a hair tie.

Want any of these? Come here.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Come here.

You know what? This
is my favorite sweatshirt,

and they discontinued it,
but I'm gonna ruin it for ya.

Whoo. Okay. Hi.

Oh.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Oh, dog.

Can I ask you a question?

Having known me for
the last 30 seconds,

do you think I'm good enough
to be with someone who's, like,

really good?

Like, extremely good?

Okay. I'm gonna
take that as a yes.

Well, that's kind
of fun. Okay, um...

Should I get bangs?

Okay. No bangs.

All right.

Oh my God. With all the tourists
and the screaming and the kvetching,

it's hard to think
straight in there.

Yeah.

Most of that noise is
just people yelling at me.

Oh, come on.

I've been sitting here

thinking, I wonder if I am the reason
that Rebecca got into an accident.

Oh, stop that.

How selfish is it to want
someone new and exciting,

no matter how long it would
last, no matter who it hurts?

Just been wondering
if I'm a terrible person.

You, a terrible person?

Come on. Not a chance.

Be honest.

Do you think I'm making a
mistake ending things with Rebecca?

- You're asking me?
- I'm asking.

Noah, I think Rebecca
is a wonderful girl.

She's terrific.

I think with a girl like this on your
arm, you'll have a beautiful life.

On the other hand, Noah,

you're gonna be the one
who'll have to live with the regret

or the joy of this decision.

Only you. Not Esther. Not
your mother. Certainly not me.

I have my wife for many
years. I'm very happy.

If you tell her that
I said any of this,

I'll deny it because
she'll come to kill me.

Are we doing big hugs?

Yeah, let me get
in on that. Oh, yeah.

Noah?

Hey. Did you get a dog?

What are you doing here?

Well, uh...

I had a rough night.
Tell you about it later.

But I just found
myself driving over here

on the off chance
I'd get to see you.

Then I thought maybe it's a bit
much to ring your doorbell at 2:00 a.m.

So... I was trying
to decide if I should

just leave and never
admit I came here.

Did you get my texts?

'Cause when you didn't text back,
I kind of got in my head about it.

You're pregnant.

Congratulations. That's amazing.

I knew I was a good
kisser, but this...

I mean, this has
never happened to me.

See? I knew it was funny,
and I knew you'd get it.

Why didn't you text back?

I didn't get the text till 20 minutes
ago. I left the phone in my car.

Sorry about that.

So, uh,

who's this handsome
gentleman or gentlelady

that, uh, you're coming
home with so late?

Just some cutie I picked up.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Should I be jealous?

I mean,

this thick boy did stare deeply
into my eyes the entire way home,

and I felt very seen, so maybe.

Okay. I am, then.

- Where'd you find him?
- On the street.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

My friend runs a rescue place, so I'm
gonna bring him there in the morning.

Well, you saved a dog
tonight. You did a mitzvah.

It's a good deed.

Oh. Yeah, I did a mitzvah.

Yeah.

- May I? You have a...
- What?

...twig in your hair.

- Oh God.
- You have a lot in your hair.

- What?
- Well, leaves and... just foliage.

I'm glad to see you.

Glad to see you too.

♪ Must be love on the brain ♪

- ♪ That's got me feeling this way ♪
- ♪ Feeling this way ♪

♪ It beats me black and
blue But it... me so good ♪

♪ And I can't get enough ♪

♪ Must be love on the brain ♪

- ♪ And it keeps cursing my name ♪
- ♪ Cursing my name ♪

♪ No matter what I do
I'm no good without you ♪

♪ And I can't get enough
Must be love on the brain ♪

- ♪ That's got me feeling this way ♪
- ♪ Feeling this way ♪

♪ It beats me black and
blue But it... me so good ♪

♪ And I can't get enough ♪

♪ Must be love on the brain ♪

- ♪ And it keeps cursing my name ♪
- ♪ Cursing my name ♪

♪ No matter what I do
I'm no good without you ♪

♪ And I can't get
enough Must be... ♪