All language subtitles for Nobody.Wants.This.S01E01.NF.WEBRip

♪ LA on my mind ♪

♪ I can't breathe ♪

♪ You're there when I close my eyes... ♪

Morgan, I asked you
to park down the street.

Okay, I am not your chauffeur,
and I needed cash, so...

Who even uses cash?

Okay. Mom always says
when the world ends, you better have cash.

Can we please walk?
I don't want him to come out and find me.

Okay. Wait, so what happened in there?

Okay, he seemed totally normal
while we were messaging each other.

Then we sit down for a drink,

and he starts crying
about how his grandmother died.

Oh, that's sad.

- No, Morgan, when he was 12.
- Oh.

He said it was, quote, "Still raw."

Okay. Well. A little bit much.

Oh my God. He's texting me,
asking me where I went. What a psychopath.

- Did you not tell him where you went?
- I just met this guy.

- I have to tell him every move I make?
- Save it for the podcast, Joanne.

I'm sorry, am I the asshole?

No, no, no, no, no. No, grandmas die.
Like, you know, that's, like, their thing.

Anyway, this guy's grandma
had a really good life.

She was a Rockette.

She spent 42 years
with her soulmate, William,

and I shouldn't know so much
about this woman

because I was on the date for 30 minutes.

- Can I say what everyone's thinking?
- Be my guest.

Okay, great. Thank you.

We've done this podcast
for, like, what, 119 episodes,

and this story you're telling,
it just sounds, like, very familiar.

I have never dated a guy
who was in love with his grandma.

I'm talking about when you find a nice,
normal guy, and you find fault with him.

It's like, I don't know
if you actually wanna meet somebody.

- Yes, I do.
- Okay.

Remember Greg?
I dated him for eight months.

I was utterly obsessed with him.

Yeah, I do remember him,
and he did not acknowledge you in public.

Yeah.

Which is maybe what it takes
for you to like someone.

Hmm.

Someone who's emotionally unavailable.

- We all understood what you were saying.
- Okay.

All right, I could make
healthier relationship choices.

And I will.

- Great.
- Going forward.

I mean, he literally had a photo
of him and his grandma on his profile.

- The signs were there.
- Yeah, that's on me.

♪ My love you've been chasing ♪

♪ The unchasable ♪

♪ Is it because you go running
Whenever you... ♪

Hey, I have to tell you something.
I don't want you to overreact.

Oh shit. What is it?

Is Esther cheating on me?

- Whatever. I'll stay with her.
- No.

You have to stop
letting Mom cut your hair.

- Why?
- Because you're an adult man. It's sad.

Hmm. Is somebody jealous?

I just don't look like myself
when she doesn't cut it.

- We're back!
- Hey, Beck!

- Hi!
- Hey.

- Okay, the game has not started yet.
- Good, good, good.

- Good?
- For me?

- For you. Hi.
- Thank you.

- Um, this is for you. Let's do this.
- Oh yes. Pamplemousse.

You know what?
Let's just eat out of the boxes.

Oh, I'd really rather use plates.

Okay.

Sash, I tried to convince Esther
to come over, but, you know, I lost her

as soon as I said
we were watching the game.

- Oh, that makes sense.
- Here you go.

- That's... Do you...
- What's on your hand?

- Um...
- Oh, it's an engagement ring.

Whoa, did you guys get engaged?

No. No.

I, um...

Okay.

So, I, like, randomly found it...
It's so weird.

...a few months ago, in, like,
the bottom drawer of your desk.

- The desk that was locked?
- Yeah, that one.

But it's so funny because I also, like,
randomly found the key.

I don't know how, but...

- Rebecca.
- Yeah, I know.

You can't go around
unlocking all my stuff.

It's a violation of privacy.

You were clearly gonna propose anyway,
and I don't know what was taking so long.

So now we can just, like,
skip past the "will you marry me," part

'cause I say yes.

But that part was my whole part.
I wanted it to be romantic.

I was gonna take you
to that place in Santa Barbara you like.

You know, I heard it's, like,
really run-down now.

- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.

I read that too.

That it's, like, the whole place smells
like seawater, you know.

I'll let... let you guys finish up.

Speaking of places, I spoke to your mom,
and we found this wedding venue...

You talked to my mom about this?

I always talk to your mom.

Oh my God! That's not okay.

Noah, I don't understand
what the disconnect here is.

- You don't?
- I don't.

Hon, we're together, then we get married.

- It's just not that complicated.
- I don't know.

It seems like you're checking off
items on a list, and I...

I don't think that's how it should feel.

I don't know what it is
that you were, like, "expecting to feel,"

but this... this is it.

Okay? This... this...

This is the feeling.

I'm sorry, Beck. I don't think it is.

- Really? You would?
- A competition makes it fun.

Can we get a few slices
of your cheesecake?

- Uh, with a candle.
- Of course.

Special occasion?

- It's our anniversary.
- Aw.

Of the day they got separated.

Why do we do this every year?

Because some divorces
are meant to be celebrated.

Like yours.

Meanwhile, this one and I
were together for 32 beautiful years.

We only separated because he was
a bit confused about his sexuality.

Not confused, Lynnie-bear. 100% sure.

It's very trendy to be gay these days.

- Mom.
- What?

- Are you gay?
- You cannot ask that.

- You don't out someone.
- No. You can... You save yourself.

- Don't answer that.
- I'll be back with desserts.

Thanks, handsome.

I've been meaning to tell you all.

I went to the doctor the other day,

and she discovered something awful.

- What?
- Oh!

I noticed it the second you walked in.
Your skin is this awful blue.

Please put the phone away. What's wrong?

Uh, I went to see Birch.

- Who the fuck is Birch?
- Oh my God.

Birch is her sound therapist.
Okay, she is not a doctor, Mom.

We thought were telling us you had cancer.
Don't do that.

- She's a voice biologist.
- Okay.

And she discovered that when I speak,
I'm missing the note C.

Okay.

The note C
is directly related to your colon,

and the colon is directly related to...

Guess it.

Deep sadness.

- Okay. We have a diagnosis.
- Mom.

You've got to stop going to this woman.

- It's a New York area code.
- Bless your heart.

- It's gotta be about the podcast.
- Oh my God!

I'm not gonna get it here.
Dad, move. I need you to move.

- I need to get the phone. Move!
- What? Hey! What are you doing?

- Get out of the way!
- Stop! Move! Everyone, move!

Hold on, hold on.

Yes. Hi, James. I can hear you.

Hi, Joanne. Should we grab
your sister, or does that not matter?

- She's right here with me.
- Hi. I matter. Hi, James.

So we've been tracking
your podcast since we last spoke,

and it seems like time
to discuss a possible acquisition.

- Oh my God.
- Really?

We need to be sure
numbers keep rising,

but everyone loves your dynamic
and how you engage with your fans.

So keep that up
and everything should fall into place.

We will. And... and this show has legs
for a spin-off and a book deal.

I have an idea of something
we could produce...

Um, will we get nice offices?

- Okay, I've gotta jump. Talk soon.
- Okay.

- Great. Yes. Great. Thank you, James. Bye.
- Thank you! Oh my God.

Amazing!

Hi, Sleeping Beauty. What are you doing?

Working.

It looks like you're in bed.

The world is my office, Ashley.

Must be nice. I'm just working
on this ad packet for the podcast.

You could be doing that from bed,
but we all have our own process.

Can we focus?

Jo, are you coming here tonight
for the dinner party?

Who's gonna be there? Bunch of lesbians?

No.

Not as many as usual.

But some potentially
interesting guys for you.

A divorcé with a young kid, you know,

a finance guy and a rabbi.

Oh, I thought you were starting
a bad joke. Um...

They all sound terrible. I'll be there.

- Perfect. Dress like a huge slut.
- I'll borrow something from your mom.

My mom's dead, and you know it, you bitch.

- You didn't even like her. Bye!
- Bye.

♪ I can be yellow ♪

♪ I can rearrange by the afternoon... ♪

Honey, I'm home!

Finally.

- Mm. Mwah.
- Oh.

Ew. Not gay for you.

- Okay?
- I tried.

What is this?
What are you wearing? It's disgusting.

Two words. Chinchilla.

Okay, this is a cry for help.

I found it in the back
of my dad's closet, so maybe.

- Hi, everyone. I'm Joanne.
- How's it going?

You can relax. It's... it's fake.

She bites.

Rabbi.

Hmm?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Oh, can you hand me that corkscrew?
- Sure.

- Here. Let me open that for ya.
- Oh. Thank you.

Although, uh, are you sure
you should be drinking?

You seem to be going through something.

Oh, no.
I'm just in constant need of attention.

I respect that. I also like attention.

I say I don't, but... I do.

- You do, right?
- Yes.

- Doesn't it feel good to say it out loud?
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Sorry, I'm cute.
I like when people notice.

There you go.

You are cute. I noticed.

Thank you. See? I... I know.

You know what else feels good?

To, um, say something embarrassing,
like, the second that you meet someone.

- Okay.
- I'll go first.

Um, oh, I had this clear mole
removed from my face

that no one ever noticed, right here.

And now the scar is,

I think, way more noticeable
than the clear mole ever was.

I feel like it's all anyone's staring at.

- First thing I noticed when you came in.
- Isn't it gross?

- It's brutal.
- Oh God.

Yeah, no, I don't see it at all.
Um, something embarrassing for me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh...

Do you know how to do this?

- I think so. Here, let me try it.
- Wait. Hang on.

I appreciate you
putting yourself out there.

- I feel like I've done so much already.
- Okay.

What a comeback!

Um, am I supposed to say
something embarrassing?

- Yeah.
- Does this count?

- All right. One more shot.
- Yeah, okay. What's your, um...

- What's my embarrassing thing?
- Yeah.

Well, I used to be a sommelier.

- I think...
- If you pull this off!

I mean, come on.

Not gonna lie.
There's a bit of cork in there.

- I can handle it.
- Okay.

- How's that?
- Good.

- Mm-hmm.
- All right.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Joanne.

Joanne. That's an old-fashioned name.

- I like that.
- Mm.

- I'm Noah.
- Noah.

Very biblical.

Oh! Did you know there's a rabbi here?

No shit.

- Yeah.
- Where?

Um, I don't see him now,
but he has a beard,

and he was definitely judging me.

Sounds like a rabbi.

How do you know Ashley?

Uh, we're in a Neighborhood Watch
program together.

- We're basically both Karens.
- Oh wow.

Yeah. Um, I think she only invited me

'cause I'm kind of going through
a breakup thing,

and I think she felt sorry for me.

Mm.

Dinner is ready.

There are less forks
than there are people,

but you'll figure it out. Enjoy.

Okay, uh...

I... I guess I'm gonna go snag a good seat.

- Okay.
- See you out there.

Sure will.

- Are you Claire?
- Joanne.

- Nice to meet you.
- So nice to finally meet you.

Oh, the prettier cousin.
Can you please go put a dent in the yams?

- Oh, sure.
- No one's eating them.

- Happy to.
- It's impossible to host.

- Are you having fun?
- I think I'm into Divorced Guy.

- Of course. He's a horrible person.
- What?

He's perfect for your podcast.

- Go for it.
- Why? What's wrong with him?

- He's a condescending asshole.
- Really?

I don't know why I invite him to
these things. I think I feel bad for him.

You know, I'm an empath.
He's going through a divorce.

You're not an empath.

- Here's a question.
- Mm-hmm.

Are we done with the coat?

Never.

- Someone's gonna throw paint on you.
- Okay, fine.

Gonna be paint on the rug.

- Oh, the drama.
- Better?

- Happy?
- Thrilled. Please pick it up.

- Okay. We're not animals.
- I know.

Okay. Not to fan out and be lame,
but I listen to your podcast every week.

She loves a fan.

Oh my God, Zara! I knew I liked you.

You have a great name and great taste.
What do you like about it?

- You're embarrassing yourself.
- Thank you.

Okay, you just did this episode
about what a bad idea it is

to have a three-way
with someone hotter than you

and it basically saved my marriage.

Always be the hot one.

- That's a good motto.
- Well, thank you.

- Who's your friend?
- Mm.

Yeah, her bad personality
is weirdly charming, right?

But she's into Gary for some reason.

No way she's into that guy.

Sorry. She has terrible taste.

I'm not asking for me.
I don't... I don't care.

Okay.

Is she Jewish at all?

There's not a Jewish bone
in her body.

Unless you put one in her.

Sh!

- Who eats just the crust?
- The crust is the best part.

The point is, he was clearly
tonguing someone who's not his wife.

100%, if I knew my friend
was being cheated on, I'd tell him.

But we're not that close, you know?

Sounds like rabbi territory to me.
What do you think, rabbi?

Be our ethicist.

Uh, well, Judaism doesn't exactly...

Wait. Why are you talking?

Jo, that's so rude.

What are you...

- Isn't he the rabbi?
- The fuck?

I'm not a fucking rabbi.

I've written three number-one
New York Times bestsellers.

Ever heard of The Apparition Effect
by Gary Howell?

Uh...

You have. It's everywhere.

Oh, you're the asshole.

I've earned it.

And

you're the rabbi?

I'm the rabbi.

Um...

So your dilemma is
basically respecting someone's privacy

versus preventing harm.

I'm gonna paraphrase, uh,
Rabbi Ishmael in the Talmud

when he says someone who engages in gossip

is equal in sin
to somebody who commits murder.

Bit of a drama queen,

but still, I think in this case,
gossip is the worst option.

I think the rabbi says
keep it to yourself.

I think I'll still tell her.

Okay.

You're a real-life rabbi?

It's hot, right?

I mean...

Sort of.

I tell my sister
every time a guy is cheating on her.

- Yeah, you gotta tell your sister.
- Right.

Yeah. Are you guys close?

Yeah. She's my best friend
and my worst enemy.

I have one of those.

Hmm.

I think I'm gonna go home.

Ooh, feels a bit anti-Semitic.

No, you are, um...

You're in, like, a romantic gray area,

and I'm trying to make
healthy relationship choices.

I'm one day in.

- Okay, one. Congratulations.
- Thank you.

You know what? Let me walk you out.

My God, you're obsessed with me.

- I was gonna leave anyway.
- Were you?

Eventually.

Yeah.

I mean, it's very nice,
but it's making my eyes burn.

Ah.

Yeah.

Here you go. It's cold.

Whatever cologne you're wearing,
I approve.

It's fabric softener.

I didn't park close. Bottom of the hill.

Perfect. Me too.

Can you have sex?

Right now?

No. Like, in general.

Yes.

That's priests. We're just people.

Are you even a little bit Jewish?
Like an aunt or a great-grandmother?

A forged document?

Nope. Why?

Well, rabbi, gentile.
It's pretty hard to pull off.

We're trying to repopulate a people,
you know?

Plus, I don't believe in God.

Sorry, is that offensive
to say to a rabbi?

You can say anything you want.

Also, not that it matters,
but baked into the Jewish experience

is wrestling with what God is or isn't,
not knowing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I didn't know that.

People always seem so clear
on what they imagine God to be.

I don't know.
None of it has ever felt right to me.

You feel like someone
whose parents are still married.

Do I? Yeah. 41 years.

- Wow!
- You?

Uh, my dad is gay.

- Oh.
- My mom is still in love with him.

And tonight, she's doing ayahuasca
with her Uber driver.

- Really?
- If I read the text correctly.

Okay, so... so not together.

Nah.

You trying to highlight our differences?

I guess I'm just testing you, seeing if
I can say something that would scare you.

Oh, you scare me, Joanne. You do.

- I do?
- Yeah. You're terrifying.

You're an unfiltered, complicated,
vulnerable, beautiful woman.

I'm not vulnerable.

Walking into a party
with a big-ass fur coat

'cause you're scared not to be seen
as special or different?

Sorry, babe.

You vulnerable.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?
You some sort of mind reader?

Mm-hmm. I read your mind at the dinner
when you were looking at me.

It was very inappropriate.

This is me.

Where'd you park?

Uh, I got a spot
right in front of Ashley's.

God likes me.

You're pretty smooth for a rabbi.

Just trying to be a good citizen,
make sure you're safe.

You're not, by chance,
wrestling with your faith, are you?

Considering throwing it all away?

'Cause with all the "fucks"
and the flirting,

you really don't feel like a rabbi.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

I play up the Torah bad-boy vibe,
but, uh... no, I'm all in on this thing.

I'm a real rabbi. I swear.

Temple Chai.

I'm actually giving a sermon this Friday.
My boss is out of town.

Cool.

It's a big deal.

Oh. Okay.

I wanna thank you.

You helped me with something tonight.

- I did?
- You did.

Say something rabbinical.

There's a fiddler on the roof.

Don't be funny.

That's not helping.

- Get home safe.
- Thank you.

♪ Looking in the mirror again and again ♪

♪ Wishing the reflection
Would tell me something ♪

♪ I can't get a hold of myself... ♪

- What about Andrew Tate?
- Oh, I would love to meet Andrew Tate.

Put me in a room with that little bitch,
and I would just ask him,

all right, if women are only here
to service you,

to, you know, stay virginal for you
and be the recipient of your abuse,

then please explain to me

why we are meant to get off from sex.

Women, like men, are meant to experience

big old screaming orgasms.

- I'd fucking...
- Dude...

♪ Cannot be friends, cannot pretend... ♪

Right on time.

♪ That it makes sense ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm in it ♪

♪ But I've been trying to find my way back
For a minute... ♪

Noah. Come on, man.

We're... Just shoot!

- Just take the shot!
- All right!

Check.

What? I...

Oh, sorry. I didn't... I didn't know...
I didn't know we started. Okay.

- Get your head in the game!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I use this for my commercial auditions.

And this one you saw on my Raya profile.

But see,
I think I "Facetuned" it too much.

I don't know.

♪...my way back for a minute... ♪

Look at you, Pilates arms!
I'm not messing with you at all.

Huh. Where do you study?
Uh, what... what studio do you go to?

♪ And the rain keeps coming down
Along the ceiling ♪

♪ And I can hear it ♪

♪ But I can't feel it ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Thank you.

And now I'd like to pass it over
to Rabbi Roklov

for our Shabbat sermon.

Rabbi?

Shabbat Shalom.

Shabbat Shalom.

A scary thing happened to me
a few years ago.

I was out to dinner enjoying a steak,

and I was enjoying it a little bit
too much because I began to choke.

And I looked around at my table for help,

and I don't wanna name any names,

but let's just say that everybody froze.

Oh, actually, I do wanna name names.
Rabbi Simonson.

Sorry.

A very interesting thing happens
when you think you might die.

You have this panicked desire,

this panicked need
to know if you've lived your life right.

If you've done enough,
if you've said enough.

Was it all worth it?

I don't wanna spoil it for you,
but I... I did survive.

And you know that parable

about the man who's
stranded on a roof during a flood,

and every time
somebody comes by to help him, he says,

"Nope, God will save me."

And in the end, he dies,
and he says to God,

"I've lived by your word.
Why didn't you save me?"

And God says,

"I sent you a life jacket and a boat

and a helicopter."

"That was me, buddy."

We have all these chances to wake up
and change the course of our lives.

Everything can have purpose
if you allow it.

Thinking about switching careers?

Maybe that's God pushing you.

Hesitating about a big decision?

That could be God telling you
to think twice.

Thinking about going all in on crypto?

Might not be God.
Ask your accountant what they think.

I gave him that crypto joke.

But if you think God's plan

is supposed to feel
like something specific,

and you haven't felt it...

and you wonder if we're all in
on some big secret that you aren't in on,

let me tell you,

you're in on it.

Shabbat Shalom.

Shabbat Shalom.

That was a weird sermon.

Thanks, Mom. Hi.

Rabbi.

- I'd like you to meet my daughter, Alissa.
- Oh, hello.

- She graduated from hospitality school.
- Oh, wonderful.

Rita, you're suffocating him.

- Rabbi.
- Hi.

You remember my niece Isabel
from Rosh Hashanah services.

- Of course, yes.
- She just got over shingles.

Okay, mazel tov, mazel tov.
Excuse me, ladies, one second.

I will be right back.

- I'll be right back.
- Rabbi.

Hi, one second.

One moment. I'll be right back.

Rabbi.

Joanne.

Who the hell is that?

A shiksa.

♪ You and I ♪

♪ You don't wanna talk about it ♪

♪ You don't wanna talk about you and I ♪

♪ We don't ever talk about it ♪

♪ But in my head you say ♪

♪ Say you still want it ♪

♪ That you're done with being lonely now ♪

♪ It's you and I ♪

♪ You and I ♪