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This program me contains
some strong language.
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00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,240
TRAIN RUMBLES
3
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:53,656
TANNOY: - For the purposes
of safety and security,
4
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,736
CCTV is in operation
at this station
5
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,456
and across all
underground lines.
6
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:00,560
Thank you.
7
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,216
TANNOY: - Ladies and gentlemen,
I've just been informed
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00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,376
the next station is closed.
9
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,056
This train will not be
stopping at the next station.
10
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For God's sake!
11
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:44,896
What was that? I missed it.
12
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,296
We're not stopping
at the next station.
13
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,320
Ah. Thank you so much.
14
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,336
- Do you mind?
- Sorry, bro.
15
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,496
I'm just looking at the map.
16
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,976
Do you know what the next station's going to be?
- No.
17
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,816
- I thought I recognised her from something.
- Which one?
18
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,096
The lady with the teeth.
19
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,856
You'll have to narrow
it down, Gerry.
20
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,416
She was the maid or
whatever she was.
21
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,776
What maid?
22
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,216
There wasn't a maid. It
was set in a shoe factory.
23
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:12,336
Well, the boss, then. I can't
remember all the details.
24
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:13,696
She was in Crown Court.
25
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,616
That was 50 years ago.
26
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,176
Not Crown Court, The Crown.
27
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,976
Well, who was she in that?
28
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,496
I think she was
Princess Margaret.
29
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,216
Lesley Manville?
30
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,456
Well, it might have been.
31
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,736
People have to work, Edie.
32
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,416
We haven't just
seen Lesley Manville
33
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,560
in an amateur production
of Kinky Boots, Gerry.
34
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:37,096
Frig me! Is there a homeless
convention in town this week?
35
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,720
- What?
- Behind you, you blind bitch.
36
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:42,976
If you're looking for
your dad, he's over there.
37
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,216
Don't, Wilm, he can't help it.
38
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,616
I think he's kind of cute.
39
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,456
Fine, go ahead and
shag him, then.
40
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,016
Least you won't have to
pay for his taxi fare home.
41
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,696
BOTH SNIGGER
42
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,376
Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen.
43
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,696
Very sorry to bother you.
44
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,256
I hope you're all having
a wonderful evening.
45
00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,016
But as you can probably
tell from my appearance,
46
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:01,016
I'm sleeping on the
streets at the moment.
47
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,336
I'm asking if it would be possible
for any of you good people
48
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,696
to help me out with a
little bit of spare change.
49
00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:07,976
I'm so embarrassed to
have to ask you like this,
50
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,736
but I don't have any
options at the moment.
51
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,896
I'd really appreciate
anything you can give
52
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,840
to help me out at
this difficult time.
53
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,336
- I'm sorry, darling.
- I don't have any change.
54
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,536
No-one does.
55
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:26,696
I need a card machine.
56
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,576
What? No, no, no, no, no.
57
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,416
What do you want to
do that for, bro?
58
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,296
They can track you
if you use cards.
59
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,280
- Who can?
- Them, innit? They're watching us right now.
60
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,976
No cards, cash only.
61
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,576
Do you have any cash?
62
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,000
Uh, no.
63
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:45,896
Here you go, dear.
64
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,016
Oh...
65
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,176
Thank you.
- Sorry it's not much.
66
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,096
That's all right,
I appreciate it.
67
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,776
- Every little helps!
- Yeah?
68
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,896
Stop it, Edie. He
won't know Tesco's.
69
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,816
I didn't mean Tesco's.
70
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,296
I was just saying
it as a phrase.
71
00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,640
Just don't get involved.
72
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,056
CLANG
73
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:04,757
GROANS
74
00:04:04,781 --> 00:04:05,836
Oh!
75
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,896
Jesus! Are you OK?
76
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,296
Are you OK?
- You all right, bro?
77
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:09,997
Yeah...
78
00:04:10,221 --> 00:04:12,220
HE GROANS
79
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,656
HE GASPS
80
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,080
WILMA: - You are kidding me!
81
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,376
- TANNOY: - Very sorry
for the power outage,
82
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,656
ladies and gentlemen.
Do please sit tight
83
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,856
while we try and get things
up and running again.
84
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,480
Hopefully it won't be long.
85
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:31,816
MAN: - I heard some passengers
got stuck in a tunnel
86
00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:34,560
for two weeks on the
Berlin U-Bahn system.
87
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:40,096
Power failed and they
were trapped inside.
88
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,576
The authorities
couldn't get to them.
89
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,296
They sat in the dark,
90
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,616
panic slowly setting in.
91
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,056
Then they ran out of water.
92
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,136
They turned on each
other in the end.
93
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,056
The weakest ones got eaten.
94
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,296
Jesus, I'd rather
eat my own tits
95
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,440
than chow down on
his gamey old meat.
96
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,096
Be like eating a pigeon.
- Beg your pardon?
97
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:08,376
I mean, my gag reflex is legendary,
but I draw the line at that.
98
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,177
Stop it!
99
00:05:09,401 --> 00:05:09,936
SHE LAUGHS
100
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,136
- You should have more respect.
- Oh, keep your nose out, Melania Tramp,
101
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,016
or I'll put some buttons
in with your change.
102
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,117
What did you call me?
103
00:05:15,241 --> 00:05:15,776
SCREAMING
104
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,856
What is it?
- Someone grabbed me.
105
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,816
GERRY: Who did?
106
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,936
I don't know. I don't know.
107
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,576
- You all right?
- Yeah, I think so.
108
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,896
All right. All right.
109
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:28,256
They... They pulled my bag
and I dropped it. Sorry.
110
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:29,416
Are you hurt?
111
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:30,696
No, I don't think so.
112
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,816
Were they going for the
breasts, do you think?
113
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,376
- Gerald!
- What? I'm just trying to establish the facts.
114
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,816
What's happened now?
115
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:38,096
We're not sure.
116
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,056
It's a sex pest in the carriage.
117
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,136
Operates in the dark.
118
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,456
- My purse has gone.
- Are you sure?
119
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,376
Yeah, it was in here. I just
had it and now it's gone.
120
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,856
Strike that. Sex pest and thief.
121
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,336
Will you stop saying that word?
122
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:51,696
- What word? Sex pest?
- Yes!
123
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,640
Sit down, please. I've got this.
124
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,040
OK, young man
125
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:00,296
empty your pockets.
126
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,496
What?
127
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,096
Empty your pockets.
128
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,656
This lady has had
her purse stolen.
129
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,776
What's that got to do with me?
130
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,096
I don't know yet.
131
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,736
Why am I being singled out?
132
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,136
HE SCOFFS
133
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,176
I don't mean to be insensitive,
134
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,560
but you're the only one
begging for money here.
135
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,656
That doesn't mean I'm a thief.
136
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,736
- Then empty your pockets.
- No.
137
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,016
And she had her breast pinched.
- Gerald!
138
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,336
No, no. No-one did that.
139
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:26,776
Poor woman's blotted it out.
140
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,496
Coping mechanism.
141
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,336
- Will you be quiet, please?
- Sorry.
142
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:34,216
Honestly, sir, I haven't done nothing.
- He doesn't have to
143
00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,216
empty his pockets for you.
You're not the police.
144
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:37,256
He might be.
145
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,416
They put them on trains
undercover. I've seen 'em.
146
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,936
Look, the thief is
definitely on this carriage.
147
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,056
In the absence of the
law, I just want to check.
148
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,776
I'm only trying
to help this lady.
149
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,176
That's reasonable enough.
150
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:48,576
Absolutely it is.
151
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,416
And if he needs strip-searching,
152
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,576
I've got some Vaseline and
latex gloves in me fanny pack.
153
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,576
She gave me £2. Why
would I rob from her?
154
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,216
- Well, that's the oldest trick in the book.
- What is?
155
00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,936
You remember what happened
with Sting's accountant?
156
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,176
He thought they were friends.
Scammed him for six mil.
157
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,776
It's hardly the
same thing, Gerry.
158
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,136
They always start small.
159
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,656
I don't mind
showing you my bags.
160
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,240
Ah, there you are, you see.
161
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:14,736
SHOUTS: Thank you, sir.
It's all perfectly fine.
162
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,016
There's nothing to hide if
you've got nothing to hide.
163
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:18,817
Huh?
164
00:07:19,041 --> 00:07:21,040
BAG RUSTLES
165
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,576
That's great. Thank you.
166
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:30,936
I do have more.
167
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,160
That's... HE GASPS ...fine.
168
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,376
Don't you want to check them?
169
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,656
No, it's OK.
170
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,696
I trust you.
171
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,536
I wouldn't if I were you, miss.
172
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,360
WHISPERS: - Not plugged in.
173
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,776
We don't mind being
searched, do we, Edith?
174
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,216
Well, yes, but...
175
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,136
Just to rule ourselves out.
176
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,416
We've been to the theatre.
177
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,176
We enjoy Gilbert and
Sullivan. We're not hoodlums.
178
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,176
Honestly, you don't
have to, it's fine.
179
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,816
Did you have much money in it?
180
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,176
No, not much. But all my cards.
181
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,536
Well, don't... don't use cards.
182
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,096
Why will no-one listen
to me about this?
183
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,896
And a photograph of
my father which...
184
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:11,616
- TEARFULLY: - I wouldn't
want to lose that.
185
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,776
Well, look, I am happy to comply
186
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,720
and show that I haven't got it.
187
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,496
Edith? Edith.
188
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:23,536
Um...
189
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,456
This is just a car coat,
190
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:26,936
so it doesn't have pockets,
191
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,896
and there is nothing
in my handbag.
192
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,016
Well, two apple cores.
193
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:31,817
CLEARS HIS THROAT
194
00:08:32,041 --> 00:08:32,696
You see?
195
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,600
That's what honest,
decent citizens do.
196
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,760
Now
197
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,480
are you going to let
me check your pockets?
198
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,176
Thank you.
199
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,776
Wasn't so hard, was it?
200
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,176
Speak for yourself, darling.
I found it quite erotic.
201
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,696
Don't be so childish.
202
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,416
Well, I bet you've never tried
to keep a tuck with a semi on.
203
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:28,576
Shall I speak to the driver?
204
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,256
Tell him there's
been an incident.
205
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,360
Good idea. Proper authorities.
206
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,336
What about your pockets,
Chief Inspector?
207
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,080
Can we look in them?
208
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,576
Yes.
209
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:42,760
Of course.
210
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,480
You see?
211
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,096
No-one is above the law.
212
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,056
You can't just do what you
want without consequences.
213
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,736
That's true. I snipped our
neighbour's hydrangeas back
214
00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,856
and they planted
bamboo out of spite.
215
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,856
The drive's ruined,
isn't it, Gerry?
216
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,016
I'm afraid so.
217
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,536
It was an act of madness,
218
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,056
and now we live with
the encroachment.
219
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,976
Shafts of it poking through
the tarmac like Hydra's teeth!
220
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,856
Have you tried boiling water?
221
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,896
Of course we have!
It can't be stopped!
222
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,016
Sorry.
223
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,760
Who you working for?
224
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,136
Highton Grammar. I'm
a physics teacher.
225
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,376
No, no, no, I don't trust him.
226
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,376
He's been spying on
us the whole time.
227
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:26,656
Don't be ridiculous.
228
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:30,136
Yeah. You've been writing
stuff down about us in code.
229
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,456
That's a polygon.
230
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,696
Yeah! Look - "actor",
"fake", "task force".
231
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:35,856
It's a puzzle.
232
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,536
You have to make words from
the letters they give you.
233
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,496
Oh, I'm good at
those, let me see.
234
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,376
You're collating. I
see you collating.
235
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,416
Collating what?
236
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,536
Data. For them. There's
a bigger picture, yeah?
237
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,136
Yeah, we're all being
monitored. You must know that.
238
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,576
Yes! It's aliens.
239
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,016
I've seen them too.
240
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:58,296
They experimented on me
at a bus stop in Preston.
241
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,120
They put an R2-D2 in my bottom.
242
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,840
To scale, obviously.
243
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,336
He's not joking.
244
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,880
How do you know?
245
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,280
He's got it in that bag.
246
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:22,640
Oh, my God.
247
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,736
Speaking of bags, can
we see inside yours?
248
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,296
Definitely not.
249
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,000
Private property.
250
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,416
- Everybody else has.
- I said no.
251
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,096
Why not?
252
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,776
What have you got to hide?
253
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,560
Oi, fuck off, man.
254
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:51,616
I'm so sorry.
255
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,816
I... I didn't mean to
cause this much upset.
256
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,896
Don't worry, it's
not your fault.
257
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,656
I'm just a bit shaken.
258
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,696
I've never had
anything stolen before.
259
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,336
Well, I'm sure the police
can sort it all out.
260
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,656
We'll make a statement, won't we, Gerry?
- Yes, of course.
261
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,416
I'm sorry, but I'm not
saying shit to the police.
262
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,656
I wouldn't trust them as
far as I could throw them.
263
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:11,256
Hardly surprising, is it?
264
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,656
Why'd you say that?
265
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:13,976
Oh, no reason.
266
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,616
No, go on. If you've
got something to say,
267
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,040
I think you should say it.
268
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,376
I've been a teacher
for 25 years.
269
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,776
I've seen the erosion of
respect for authority.
270
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,016
There was a time when I
would walk into a classroom
271
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,616
and 30 students would
stand up immediately.
272
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:31,176
Oh, is that what you want?
273
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,736
"Good morning, sir."
274
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,360
This lady is a nurse!
275
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,016
It wasn't so long ago
276
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,520
we were standing in the street
applauding their efforts.
277
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,056
Or maybe you never bothered?
278
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,496
No, maybe I never did.
279
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,496
Do you have a list of
everyone who banged a pan?
280
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,976
Oh, the Government do.
They see everything.
281
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,216
We were out there at least
three times, weren't we, Edith?
282
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,456
Although that Le Creuset
was bloody heavy.
283
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:57,456
♪ As some day it may happen
that a victim must be found
284
00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,336
♪ I've got a little list
I've got a little list
285
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:04,416
♪ Of society offenders who
may well be underground
286
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,376
♪ And who never would be missed
287
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,376
♪ Who never would be missed
288
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:09,776
♪ There's the pestilential...
289
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,016
Frig me, it's like
Hamilton for hobos.
290
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,376
- It's from The Mikado.
- Oh!
291
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,896
♪ ...People who
have flabby hands
292
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,736
♪ And irritating laughs
293
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,776
♪ All children who are up
in dates and floor you...
294
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,536
Thank you, darling.
We'll let you know.
295
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,456
♪ All persons who
in shaking hands...
296
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,416
All right! All right, let's
stop playing silly buggers.
297
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,576
Open the bag.
- No.
298
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,136
Well, I'm afraid I'm
going to have to insist,
299
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,896
because you were
closest to this lady
300
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,176
when the incident occurred.
- Stay the fuck away from me.
301
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,496
♪ They never would be missed. ♪
302
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,656
If... If I could
make a suggestion?
303
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:43,216
Let's take a vote. See what
the general feeling is.
304
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,376
Very good, Edith.
305
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,000
Democracy manifest.
306
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,720
Everyone who thinks...
307
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,736
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.
308
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,056
I didn't give you my name.
309
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,616
Well, we could vote
on whether he should.
310
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,256
No, he doesn't have to give
us his name, it's fine.
311
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,136
Harold. My name's Harold.
312
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,776
Oh, hello, Harold.
313
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,896
I'm Edith, and this
is my husband, Gerry.
314
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:04,960
Hello.
315
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,600
Binks. Raymond Binks.
316
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,136
I'm Elena.
317
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,816
It's very nice to meet you all.
318
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:15,856
Well, my boy name is Jonathan
- urgh, gives me the ick,
319
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,336
but my drag name
320
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:18,856
is Wilma Dickshow.
- Wilma...?
321
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,096
- Dickshow.
- Right.
322
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,696
I do a bottomless brunch
first Thursday of every month
323
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:24,896
at the Purple Sock. I know
324
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,456
I'll put you all
on the guest list.
325
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,576
Gerry and Edith. Elena.
What was your name again?
326
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,136
I'm not giving you
my name, all right?
327
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,576
Oh, damn it. I thought I was
going to Columbo him then.
328
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,776
He doesn't have to give you
his name. He doesn't have to
329
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,976
give you anything. Just
because you assume authority,
330
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,936
like the fascist
prick that you are.
331
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,696
Well, when the police
become involved,
332
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,216
we'll all have to give
our names, won't we?
333
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,016
- I won't.
- You tell him, Cleo... Oh, bum cheeks!
334
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,616
All right, this has gone on long
enough. Is there anybody here
335
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,256
who thinks I shouldn't look
inside this young man's bag,
336
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,280
by force, if necessary?
- Yes!
337
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,456
Come on.
338
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,696
Well, someone's nicked
her purse, darling,
339
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:02,976
and it wasn't me.
340
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,616
There you are, see?
341
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,376
Hand it over.
- Oi, oi!
342
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:07,680
What you doing, man?
343
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,720
Is no-one going to stand up to him?
- Give it to me.
344
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,560
Someone stop him!
345
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,216
TANNOY: - Me again, folks.
346
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,656
Sorry about the
continuing loss of power.
347
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,376
We should be on our
way fairly shortly.
348
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,016
We are aware there's
been an incident
349
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,256
in one of the carriages,
350
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,296
and the proper authorities
have been informed.
351
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,496
Once again,
352
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,720
I apologise for any
inconvenience caused.
353
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,976
Can I have my
newspaper back, please?
354
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,016
Oh, yes. I got "frock",
unsurprisingly,
355
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,496
and "fork".
356
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,080
I wanted "cock",
357
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,720
but there's only one C.
358
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,856
Did you know that "Meryl Streep"
359
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,560
is an anagram of
"try eel sperm"?
360
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,560
It's always tickled me.
361
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,776
What did the driver say?
362
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,216
He said there's a replacement
service on the way.
363
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:45,720
Shouldn't be long now.
364
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,016
Well, looks as though I'm
going to be late for work.
365
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,576
HE SCOFFS
366
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,096
I'd love to be late for work.
367
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,040
My job's 24/7.
368
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,336
Your job?
369
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:00,037
COINS RATTLE
370
00:17:00,461 --> 00:17:02,740
Surviving.
371
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,536
Do you make much money
going up and down?
372
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:12,880
No.
373
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,696
People are just
embarrassed. I get it.
374
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,296
I'm asking for generosity.
375
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,160
It puts them in the position
of deciding to be kind or not.
376
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,920
Do you think people
are not kind?
377
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,536
I think most people
don't believe me
378
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,536
when I tell them
I've got nothing.
379
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,720
They think it's a
con, I'm just lying.
380
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:36,520
At the hospital, I
see the opposite.
381
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,336
Lots of frightened people
trying to make sense
382
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,880
of what's happening to them.
383
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,296
They just really want to know
384
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,200
that everything's going
to be all right, but
385
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,640
sometimes they can't
accept the truth.
386
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,216
Here...
387
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,896
You can have your £2 back.
388
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,336
Oh, no, no. You keep that.
389
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,360
- Are you sure?
- Hmm. Yeah, course.
390
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,760
Hope it brings you luck.
391
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,536
Says here they're
doing Salad Days
392
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,176
for their Christmas show.
Shall we book for that, Edie?
393
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,056
Boxing Day treat?
- Hmm?
394
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,056
Shall we book Salad
Days for Christmas?
395
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,616
No. I don't want
to see Salad Days.
396
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,080
What's the matter?
397
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,056
I think that man's a bully.
398
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,696
- Who?
- The teacher.
399
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,776
Why do we always let
people like him bully us?
400
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,456
We're people in our own right.
401
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,776
We have our own opinions.
402
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,176
Yes, of course we do, but we
don't have to blurt them out
403
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,376
to every Tom, Dick
and Harold, do we?
404
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,336
I don't know. I think we
just sunk into ourselves.
405
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,600
Anything for a quiet life.
406
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,960
Well, there's nothing
wrong with that, is there?
407
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,880
What happened to you, Gerald?
408
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,536
You used to be such a firebrand.
409
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,576
When you had that
trouble at work,
410
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,256
you were the first one to
lead your team out on strike.
411
00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,136
Standing there with your
whistle and your megaphone.
412
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,776
That was a long time ago, Edie.
413
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,016
I came and brought you soup.
414
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,416
Do you remember?
415
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,696
In a big pot with a ladle.
416
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:11,016
And we all sang that
song from Oliver!
417
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,816
Food Glorious Food.
418
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,000
What is it, love?
419
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,056
What's the matter?
420
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,136
I want more, Gerry.
421
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:20,760
I want more!
422
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,480
MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES
423
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,536
Here, it's your favourite.
424
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:41,320
All Too Well (10 Minute Version)
(Taylor's Version) (From the Vault).
425
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,976
What?
426
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,136
You're not going to have an eppy
427
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,336
because I didn't put
my hand up, are you?
428
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,296
I can't believe you'd let
him get away with that.
429
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,896
Oh, Cleo, come down off
your high horse, darling.
430
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,216
It's exhausting.
431
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,056
He assaulted those
two young men.
432
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,056
Yeah, and we had
front-row seats.
433
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,536
Lucky us.
434
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,216
It's not every day you
get a free sex show
435
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,496
on your train ride home, is it?
436
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,736
I should have filmed
it for OnlyFans.
437
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,896
The Teacher, The Tramp
And The Terrorist.
438
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,096
He's not a terrorist.
Why is he a terrorist?
439
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:12,376
He was clinging onto that bag
440
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,056
tighter than Judy
Finnegan to a wine glass.
441
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,016
And I bet he grew that beard
442
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,856
to hide his face
from the cameras.
443
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,296
Not everyone with a bag and a
beard is a terrorist, Wilma.
444
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,896
Yeah, and not everyone
445
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,816
who tapes their knob
to their arsehole
446
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,200
is a drag queen but... You know.
447
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,560
- I think she may be right.
- Thank you.
448
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,616
Where are you heading to?
449
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:33,976
None of your business, man.
450
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,056
You didn't seem to know
the area, that's all.
451
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,016
Look, I'm not explaining myself
to you. I'm not on trial,
452
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,536
I'm not at school. I've
done nothing wrong.
453
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,736
"The lady doth protest
too much, methinks."
454
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,016
Shakespeare.
455
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,376
Well, they're sending
somebody to help us.
456
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,736
Maybe we should just wait.
457
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,216
Yeah.
458
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:50,456
- HOMELESS MAN: -
Well, I believe him.
459
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:51,536
Thank you.
460
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,816
- Not you. Him.
- Oh.
461
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,136
That's not a particularly
glowing endorsement
462
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,776
coming from a common thief.
463
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,656
I'm not a thief.
464
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:03,096
Crawling up and down the
train carriage all day,
465
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:04,896
begging for change!
466
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,096
You work your
fingers to the bone!
467
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,616
Shut your mouth!
468
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,816
I'm with you. Someone's
got to stand up to the man.
469
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,336
Exactly. And he's
been lording it
470
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,336
over us this whole time
like he's better than us.
471
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,336
Well, you're not!
And the rest of you
472
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:19,456
can sit there and do nothing
473
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,536
but I'm taking
affirmative action.
474
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,096
HE LAUGHS
475
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:26,496
There's still more of us
than there are of you.
476
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:27,976
No, there isn't.
477
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,920
Excuse me.
478
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,160
Edith, what are you doing?
479
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,416
I think you're a bully,
480
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,776
and I don't think it's fair,
what you've been doing.
481
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,816
Look, look, look. I
want another vote.
482
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,296
If the majority of people
want to see inside this bag,
483
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,816
then you can, and
I won't stop you.
484
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,960
Good, because I do.
485
00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:51,056
Squash this little rebellion
486
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,136
and then prove that I'm right.
487
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,680
Gerald?
488
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,880
I agree.
489
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:04,480
Elena?
490
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,280
Sorry.
491
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,560
And
492
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:18,800
this gentleman?
493
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:27,696
Oh, my gosh, it's
come all down to me.
494
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,976
It's like Kramer Vs Kramer.
495
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,416
Who do I choose?
496
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,016
Ickle, ockle, chocolate
bottle, ickle, ockle, out,
497
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,936
turn the dirty
dishcloth inside out.
498
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,176
Everything's just
a big fucking joke
499
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,416
to you, isn't it, Jonathan?
500
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:42,776
Um, pretty much, yeah.
501
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,976
You can't see through all
those fake lashes and mascara
502
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,416
that here, in the real world,
503
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,016
there is injustice happening
everywhere you look.
504
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,056
And if you thought about
anybody else but yourself
505
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,856
for at least 30 seconds,
you'd realise that!
506
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,856
Oh, I know all about
the real world,
507
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,200
Cleopatra, darling.
508
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,496
I've been laughed at, beaten up,
509
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,896
had dog shit pushed
through my letterbox.
510
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,320
There's no need to tell
me about injustice.
511
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:10,336
And if I want to paint my face
and lip-sync to Lady Gaga,
512
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,576
then that's just my
way of dealing with it,
513
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,336
all right? Just like yours
514
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:17,216
is rebelling against your
posh-as-fuck upbringing
515
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,056
by getting a little nose-ring
and tottering after me
516
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,720
like the ghastly little
fag hag that you are.
517
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,400
I'm with you, Daddy.
518
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,296
When did you get so mean?
519
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,616
Blessed are the mean,
520
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,960
for they will inherit the earth.
521
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,696
CLANKING
522
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:50,136
Blessed are those who hunger
and thirst after righteousness,
523
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,616
for they will be killed.
524
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,200
Hey, you can look inside now.
525
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,216
Blessed are the merciful,
526
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:03,056
for they will be shown no mercy.
527
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,480
What is this?
528
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,400
Blessed are the pure in heart,
529
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:15,560
for they will see... God.
530
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,176
What the fuck?
531
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:32,520
Gerry?
532
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,080
Put them on. You've
got about 20 seconds.
533
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,936
Harold and I don't need them.
534
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,936
What's happening, Gerry?
535
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,456
It's all right,
Edie. Deep breaths.
536
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:50,536
It doesn't hurt.
537
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:51,960
HISSING
538
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,080
COUGHING
539
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,080
MUFFLED CRIES FOR HELP
540
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,040
HISSING CONTINUES
541
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:12,016
EDITH: - Gerry!
542
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,296
Help us!
543
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:14,880
Help!
544
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,376
EDITH: - Gerry!
545
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,040
COUGHING AND GASPING
546
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:24,880
Gerry!
547
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:35,800
HISSING STOPS
548
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,416
CLEARS HIS THROAT
549
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:46,416
Sorry about the inconvenience.
550
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,656
The purse was just
an inciting incident.
551
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,896
Oh, you can take these
off now. It's fine.
552
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,776
INHALES SHARPLY
553
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,000
It's fine.
554
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:56,720
No hard feelings, eh?
555
00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,576
W-What's going on?
556
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,296
Well, we implement this
action from time to time.
557
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,096
Swap out the disruptors,
558
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,376
anybody who challenges
the status quo.
559
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,176
But you all have
nothing to worry about.
560
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,616
What do you mean?
561
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,176
Now, if you could
just sign here.
562
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,816
It just confirms that you
took no part in today's events
563
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,560
as they never actually happened.
564
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:21,976
Oh, and tick the box if you'd
be interested in helping us
565
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,456
in the future. We really
need people like you,
566
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,096
Elena, actually.
567
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,616
People who don't get involved.
568
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,816
Thanks.
569
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,296
Great.
570
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:33,000
What about these people?
571
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,696
Well, you can see them.
572
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,600
They're right here.
573
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,016
Only now, like you.
574
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,960
WHISPERS: ..they wouldn't
say boo to a goose.
575
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,056
Isn't that right, Gerry?
576
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,016
Oh, that's right, sir.
577
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,296
Great. Great.
578
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,296
TANNOY CHIMES
579
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,616
We do apologise for the delay
580
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,296
in your replacement
service today.
581
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,576
This was due to an earlier
disruption on the line
582
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,016
which has now been rectified.
583
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,520
We do hope you have a
safe onwards journey.
584
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,456
Hey, guys. Um, just
three people today,
585
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:10,720
two females and a male.
586
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,680
Yep, great.
587
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:24,976
Edith?
588
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,176
Yes?
589
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:30,536
When we get home, shall
we book to see Salad Days?
590
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,096
Yes, I think we should.
591
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,856
TANNOY: - If you see something
that doesn't look right,
592
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:41,456
speak to staff or text British
Transport Police on 61016
593
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,256
and we'll sort it.
594
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:44,480
See it.
595
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,696
Say it.
596
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:49,920
Sorted.
39801
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