All language subtitles for Divorcing Jack

When I was 8 years old, I woke up in the middle of the night-

and found my brother pissing
on my typewriter.

I decided there and then that there was something wonderful about alcohol.

And as my artistic interest grew, I discovered that many of my heroes-

had impassioned affairs with what my old dad reffered to as the devil's vomit.

Brendan Behan, Dylan Thomas,
George Best, Pete Townsend.

It had not adversely affected
any of them,

with the exception of the first two.

Them it killed.

Starkey!

My office, now!

Staying off the wires.

"If elected, Michael Brinn is going to swap West Belfast

for the Guinness Brewery in Dublin."

"They can have our travels,
and we can drink theirs." Bollocks!

"Michael Brinn go on to sponsor paramilitary
coffee mornings

with an ArmaLite in one hand,
and a packet of Jaffa Cakes in the other."

-It's shite!
-Well, you pay me to write shite like that.

-I pay you to write shite that's funny!
-It's satire.

My point exactly!

Oh, for god's sake, man!
we're going independent here.

We're talking happy,
optimistic, joyous!

We're throwing our weight behind
Michael Brinn, Dan.
You know what our line is?

He's the one man can knit it all together,
bring a lasting peace.

-Are you going to print it or what?
-Only because [inaudible], Phil!

But do me a favor, Dan
Lay off them for a while.

Do what you do best.
Get me a story! Get your ear to the ground!

Oh my god!
Are you ok?

Could you just move out of the light here?.
I'm working.

Gravel inspector,
department of stones.

-I thought you'd cracked your head.
-I did crack my head.

-Is he late?
-She is.

-Your fancy a wee drink?
-I have some wine here.

-Wine? is that what students are drinking now?
-What makes you think i'm a student?

The sophisticated screw top bottle
would seem to suggest that you're not yet
in gainful employment

Medical student? Nope
You didn't give me the kiss of life.

But you're sitting all by yourself.
Accountancy?

I know! you're a farmer's daughter!
Agriculture?

-Horticulture?
-You can lead a horticulture, but you can't-

Make her think, Dorothy Parker
American literature?

Geology?
Sociology? Biology?

Scatology?

-Apology?
-Art.

-Art?
-Art.

Why do art students never look out of the window in the morning?

-So they have something to do in the afternoon.
-Put it there! Daniel Starkey.

-I've seen your column in the paper.
-And what do you think?

-Does it make you laugh?
-It's better than the other shite.

Better than the other shite?
They'll put that on my gravestone.

You're not seriously going to drink all that yourself, are ya?

I'm taking it to a party.
Saves me having to carry it.

Look, seeing as you don't seem to have any friends
whatsoever,

I was wondering if you'd like to come.

It's my crowd, my music, my house.

You crowd, your music, your wife.

You have read my column.
Come on, eh?

-She really wouldn't mind you turning up with me?
-It's a party! She trusts me.

-Anyway, I don't mess around.
-Unless you get the chance.

I don't mess around. Come on.

All right then, What have I got to lose?

-Except my reputation.
-That's the girl.

We'll fall through the door,
my friend Mouse will hand us beer,

and my wife Patricia will be waiting on the magic city.

What's so magic about it?

Well, we just call it that because every time we sit on it,
we end up making love.

We haven't sat in it for a while.

Here we have the man!

This must be your cousin, is it?

-I'm sorry?
-It's Margaret.

-Where's Trish?
-She's not in the best of form, Dan.

-Will you please look after my guest?
-Certainly, my liege.

I'll see you guys later.

-So why do they call you Mouse?
-Because!

-So, how's married life treating you?
-It's been better.

You know, the guy that owns this house says
this is a magic city.

-I think i'll go and get a drink
-No, no! It's a magic city

Don't even think about it.

-Working late, were you?
-Well, someone has to.

-Who's the wee girl?
-Don't know

I just bumped into her coming down the street.
Margaret something.

-You're always picking up bloody strays.
-I had to care in the community?

-Just the one? you usually manage a couple
-Oh, come on, lighten up.

-You dancing?
-No. [inaudible]

-Oh, come on, dance for this. IT'S THIS!
-No.

Cider, brilliant.

Two bottles of this and you wake up
with a pile of vomit in your slippers and six hours pregnant

Are you ok?

-You all right?
-Aye.

-Do you want me to get Trish?
-No, it's all right.

All right... second half.

Shift yourself, huh?
I'm dying for a piss.

Most are review copies from the paper.

It's rare you get macroeconomics and a biography of Skippy the Bush Kangaroo in the same collection.

-You feeling better?
-My mouth tastes like a horse's arse.

You want a mint?

You have 24 hours to move out of this house.

That was a bit nice.

I have to go... i'm in trouble.

Trish! Trish, come here!

She was just giving me a mint! I swear!

Your liar!

As I believe the song says, the best part of breaking up is when you're
having your nose broken- you'll keep still?

Will you stop fucking poking me?

Come on... my place isn't that far away.

No, no, no. Look, I should go back inside.

I'm not having a murder on my conscience.
Just for a while

-Till Mrs. Bobbitt comes down.
-No, no, no.

-Anyway, I thought you don't mess around.
-No... look, I don't!

I had never considered being unfaithful.

Well... at least not with anyone I had a remote possibility of getting.

So, is this what passes for student accommodation these days?

It's my dad's warehouse... my design.

-Do you want something to eat?
-Aye.

-I've got a pizza in the fridge.
-Fine.

Oh, don't worry about him.
His bite is worse than his bark.

Pat, shut up and go to bed!

Who is in the photograph?

-Brother, boyfriend?
-Ex boyfriend.

-Long over?
-Long enough.

But still has a place in your heart.

Really, I should take it down.
It's sentimental.

-He looks... should I know him?
-Patrick Keegan.

Cow Pat Keegan?

I kissed a mouth that kissed the mouth of Cow Pat Keegan?

Don't worry, he's not going to come gunning for you.
He's in prison.

i know! 33 bank robberies for the IRA,

and he gets done for rustling on the [inaudible] of a supergrass.

-Are you going to eat this?
-Cow Pat Keegan, King of the Congo?

-Public enemy number 1-
-Number 1, I know! I've heard it all before.

I suppose I should get going.

Public transport this time of night is rarely dependable.

Hello? Casanova is home!

Hi, only me.

Hope you had a nice time with the wee tart. I've gone away for a few days.

We're having too many fights, drinking too much.

We should really think about what we want.

A guy called Charles Parker from the Boston Globe

said he'd meet you at the Waterfront at 12pm.

And you know your mint condition copy of the Sex Pistols "Anarchy in the UK"
you say is worth 300?

I melted it in the sandwich toaster... bye!

Morning, lover boy!

Maggie, I need a piece of single column!

I'll bet you that's what his wife says, too.

At least my wife speaks to me.

-Hey, Joe. Is Trish there?
-Just hold on.

Hi, are you ok?

It's no use nodding on the phone, you have to actually make a noise.

-You're not funny.
-Well, I think most of my readers disagree.

Most of your readers don't have to live with you

Come on, Trish! Some girl tried to kiss me.

You beat me up. I walk the streets.

I'm sorry. Come home.

Did you sleep with her?

Of course I didn't sleep with her!

I- I was bleeding everywhere, i went around to molly's to get patched up.
And-

-Are you going to get any fucking work done today?
-It's a source.

The source of fucking Nile. Get your finger out, for fuck's sake.

But Mouse... was asleep.

-She called first thing, wanted to know if I had seen you.
-Fuck!

Shouldn't mess around with the [inaudible], Dan.

Thanks, Mouse. I'll bear that in mind.

Hope you bear it in mind you're supposed to be seeing that American guy

-35 minutes ago.
-Fuck!

-Will you watch where you're fucking going?
-Fuck away off and die!

-Starkey?
-Aye!

That's some fucking crap you write in the fucking paper.

-Thanks
-Mind you, the husband loves it.

-Good.
-But then he's a stupid fucker

-I see...
-But not stupid enough to drive a fucking taxi, that's for sure.

-No.
-Gets me to drive, the fucker, because he's scared of getting fucking tapped

He sits at home worrying about me.

Like fuck, that fuck went down a fucking pump.

One of my last creative duties
at the paper was I was babysitter to visiting journalists.

Charles Parker from the Boston Globe
was my charge for the duration of the election.

-Can I help you, sir?
-I'm supposed to be meeting...

-Charles Parker, Boston Globe.
-Dan Starkey.

Sorry I'm late.

Bomb scare.

Bomb scare, huh?

Don't take it the wrong way. There really no black people in Northern Ireland.

Plenty of orange, plenty of green

He expects you to take out a machete, cut his nose off.

I've eaten already.

-Sorry... seem to have missed the show
-You don't say?

One question at a time, please!

You were recently voted the sexiest man in Ireland by Woman's News magazine.

-How does your wife feel about that?
-You'll have to ask her that.

I don't feel very sexy after a 12 hour meeting discussing European fish quotas.

You changed your name when you entered politics from O'Brinn to Brinn.

Don't you think you have, in some way, betrayed your Catholic heritage by dropping the O prefix?

No, i think I just had a vowel problem.

I simply believe that in this country, too much stock is put in your prefix.

The fact that I had an O at the start of my name automatically meant that

I was disliked and distrusted by certain Protestants

I'm just a man... a man who wants peace.

The less preconceived notions I carry with me, the less prejudice I shall have to overcome.

That's what we all want, isn't it... peace?

Even the reporters are applauding.

Well, see one evangelist, you've seen them all.

-Mind you, I predict a landside victory.

If he bottled that charisma, he could sell it as hair gel.

Well, there's one thing i've always want to know about Ireland.

What is the difference between Bush Whiskey and Black Bush Whiskey?

4 out of 4. You won't make 5.

-Jameon's
-Argh!

Tastes better in Ireland.

That's Northern Ireland to you,

Or Ulster if you are a Protestant.

and the 6 counties of the north of Ireland, if you are a Catholic.

and if you are British government you call it the Province.

-And what do you call it, Mr. Starkey?
-I call it home... after you.

-Not that, sir, is Black Bush.
-Bollocks!

Here's to pace in our time.

He was badly injured in a bombing, wasn't he?

Brinn? the... The IRA tried to blow up a police dinner,

But they were double booked.

And so Cavalier King Charles Spaniel Club's annual shindig was blown to hell.

They were picking little bits of farro out of the trees for weeks.

13 people died. Brinn was badly burned.

-That's how he got started?
-Aye! the sympathy card.

-Does he still play it?
-Only to gullible yanks.

And then... the fine blends.

Alfie!

-Starkey!

Can't stop, see you later.

I haven't forgotten you, [inaudible] shit.

-What was that all about?
-Billy McCubrey, UBF warlord.

That's protestant paramilitary to you.

I wrote something sarcastic about him a few years ago.

Guys like that don't sue, but a for a few months, I didn't sleep.

-When I went out, I wore a big hat.
-And the other guy?

Alfie Stewart, Brinn's right hand man.

What would they be doing together?

Arguing, like everyone else in this stupid fucking place.

Hello, it's mom here.

I'll drop around later this evening after bridge.

Loads of gossip for you.

Ok, I'll see you later. Bye for now.

If you want to fuck him, you can cook for him as well.

I'll be back tomorrow. He just loves turnip!

Hello? Patricia?

Margaret?

Trish...

I thought somebody was shooting at me.

I'm sorry.

Knowing Trish, she'll have shopped around for the best deal.

-What's that?
-Birthday present from Daddy.

-Well, happy birthday.
-Wait a minute, it's not for another week.

But Daddy is going to be busy, so he brought it around early.

Every year he tries to instill a wee bit of culture in me.

Here a set of classical composers, recorded
by the National Orchestra of Azerbaijan

Here. "D" for Dan. from me to you. A wee present

Thanks, I'm touched. No one has given me
a 1/26 of their birthday present before.

If you think it's any good, come back for the rest.

You just want me to come back 25 more times.

-I love her.
-What are you saying?

I am just saying that whatever happens between us, I love my wife.

Maybe you can love two people?

-Hey Vincie, check this out!

Shep's

CLOSED DUE TO VARICOSE VEINS

Hello?

-Joe?
-How are you doing?

-Is Trish there?
-I'm afraid not so.

-Is something the matter?
-No. Everything's fine. Bye

About bloody time.

Sometimes you've got to wait for quality.

And sometimes you've got to wait for shite.

[inaudible] trips out to get pizza.

What the fuck is going on here?

I- Divorce...

Divorce...

Divorce?

Jack... Jack!

Come on, you murdering fucking bastard!

Oh, god...

I sat and thought of lovely Margaret

of her hair, and her eyes and her love.

and the way she kissed me, and her skin that smelled of mandarin oranges.

She had died in my arms.

What would she think of me now?
Would she still want me now

that I had pushed her mother down the stairs and broken her neck?

Stop that!

I had heard the last words Margaret would ever speak

Divorce... Jack

Who is Jack?

Divorce?

Could it be Patricia?
I should call her. Call the police!

Someone killed Margaret.
I killed her mom.

-Hey there, Mr. Starkey. We have a cancellation.
-Really?

Are you ready to meet the next prime minister?

You guys are really into all of this shit.

One phone call and they say come on in an meet the man.

-Must be really desperate for dollars.
-Aye.

-Are you ok, man?
-Hung over.

Discussing politics with Mr. Smoothie isn't going to help.

Give a man a chance! You guys have been fighting each other so long, you've forgotten-

What the fuck do you know about it?

Sorry, it's just 30 years of it, and then an oil slick comes along with a full set of teeth

and some trendy platitudes, and everyone thinks how refreshing. Let's vote for him.

He is no different than the rest, he's just got better marketing

What were you drinking last night?

Fuckin' radio. I should have brought my own tapes!

I thought I was coming to a land of culture and music...

Fucking Jim Reeves?

If it's culture you want...

Fucking Jim Reeves!

-Do you have any ID, please?
-Charles Parker, Boston Globe.

-Dan Starkey, Belfast Evening News.
-Ok, go ahead.

It's one big ass house.

So how's it going there, Starkey?

Still the leading graduate of the smart mouth can't write school of journalism?

That's right, Alfie.

If you're an honest worker,

I've been there too.

If you're unemployed,

I've been out of work too.

If you're disabled... I haven't been there yet,

But if you don't elect me, i'll shoot myself in the foot.

I gather from your reaction you're not too familiar with young Mr. Starkey's work

Dan, at last!

I'm a big fan. and Mr Parker...

You don't know what you're missing. Boston Globe, isn't it?

By way of trade union paper in Cleveland and a weekly political journal in Washington?

-You've done your research, too.
-Please.

So fire away, hit me with your hardest first, and then we can relax and have some tea.

Do you mind?

-Do you believe in capital punishment for murder?
-For terrorists...

-All murder is terrorism.
-But not all terrorism is murder.

-Are you playing with words or answering questions, sir?
-I'm playing with questions.

You know what my party's policy on capital punishment is. Don't you, Dan?

So, even though you were badly scarred in a bombing

What was it, 20% burns?

-30.
-So, you're not bitter?

Of course I'm bitter, Mr. Parker

bitter that for 30 years, we've let this go on when, with a little guts, we could have sorted it out.

Don't you want revenge? Or does being a victim give you political edge?

Mr. Parker, a lot of people have died.
There are a lot of widows... a lot of orphans.

-I've prospered, I want my people to prosper, too.
-Well, i'm sure you do,

but what worries me is that this is being built up as some kind of utopian state all forgiveness and light.

If you're elected, and the Brits pull out

What is to prevent the Catholics or the Protestants from starting this whole war up again?

The ceasefires have never lasted.

Because...

If we get elected and they try causing trouble

we'll have the mandate to deal with it.

And the balls.

Are you suggesting a military crackdown?

No! All i'm saying is, Mr. Parker, is that what we've got there

is the feel good factor that you Americans love in your movies

the happy ending.

All i'm saying is give peace a chance.

Didn't they shoot John Lennon?

Dan.

Sorry. I need fresh air.

Mom, you're all wet...

Sorry.

-I thought...
-It's all right. We were just messing around.

-Dan Starkey, isn't it?
-Aye

I'm a big fan.

-Mrs Brinn.
-Agnes, please. This is Robert.

-Call me Bob.
-Bob! how's about it, big man?

-Your meeting all finished?
-No... I wasn't feeling too good.

-Need some fresh air.
-Hangover, is it?

-Bad pint.
-You're just staying for lunch, aren't you?

I do not know, no one said.

Of course you are! come on up to the house, we'll see how things are going.

Robert, come on!

-So, you as bad as you make out?
-How do you mean?

You know... womanizing, drinking, causing trouble.

I'm fond of drink, women and shit-starting

But I don't think that makes me a bad man.

Unless I meet a drunk woman shit starter, then I'm lethal.

-I'm safe, then.
-I wouldn't go that far.

Are you flirting with the wife of the next prime minister?

That depends on how the voting goes.

Michael?

What's happened?

-Agnes, oh god.
-What?

Our economic spokesman David McGarry...

It's his wife Edna, and daughter, Margaret, They've been murdered in Belfast.

Are there no depths to which these people... I'm sorry. I've got to go

-Is there anything I can do?
-Be strong.

Come on, let's go.

Take a shit around here and WW3 breaks out.

Hey, Starkey! what the fuck is going down?

Did they say what part of Belfast?

You're the local, come on! Liven up!

-At last, a decent angle.
-It's all over.

Yeah, you're damn right it is! if he hold this, he deserves to get elected

Who do you think did it? IRA breaking their ceasefire, the Protestants trying to-

Or just a lone nut case.

-What's wrong?
-I have an idea we're being followed.

-Don't be so obvious.
-Which one?

Not the Jap, not the Fiat. It's that Audi.

Either way, it's a sad reflection on the British car industry.

Relax! you're not that important.

I'll kill you!

I've got you now, buddy!

What the fuck are you doing?!

You fuckin' idiot!

I'm from New York City!

We do this for breakfast!

You told me that was just a simple carjacking.

That was just a simple carjacking

Now what the fuck is going on, Starkey?

I go to the John, two people get murdered.

Then someone tries to run me off the road.

My stories are good, they're not that fucking good.

-They weren't after you
-You quit your cryptic bullshit, if you know something-

-They were Protestants paramilitaries.
-How could you tell?

1. They fucked up.
2. The gunman had FTP written on his head.

-FTP?
-Fuck The Pope.

Actually, they're getting better... usually they can't spell FTP.

-But why us?
-I don't know.

All I know is someone has shot up my car and I have to go report it to the cops.

-No, no, no! you can't call the police!
-I have to.

Have you ever done anything really, really stupid?

I have a feeling I just may be about to.

But why didn't you know?

You're making love to a beautiful woman and you're thinking: I wonder if she's a famous politician's daughter?

But there must have been some kind of clues, her name or-

I didn't know her name! I wasn't supposed to be there, it just happened.

Those guys were chasing you, for what? revenge?

I don't fucking know!

-I need to make a phone call. Do you have any change?
-American Express?

Do you have any change?

NO CHANGE FOR PHONE

I'll sell you a tape.

There's not much demand for crap like that.

-I'm looking for a pound.
-Keep looking.

50 p

-Call the police, you'd do yourself a favor.
-Would you?

Joe, is Patricia there?

Sure, Dan.

It's Daniel, Love.

I just need some time.

Before you start, she was asking for it.

Oh my god!

They do say revenge is a dish best served cold.

-Oh my god, Trish!
-So I potatoed her.

NOT THE POTATOES! I'm talking about murder, and you're talking-

-about fucking garden vegetables?
-You'll stop shouting?

Hang on a second.

-What... what?
-Just shut the fuck up!

-Emergency, which service do you require?
-EVERY FUCKING SERVICE!

The murder of McGarry's wife and daughter has sent shockwaves through the province

A clearly distraught Brinn visited the murder scene earlier today and was briefed by detectives.

Paramilitary groups have been quick to distance themselves from the murder,

but security sources have hinted that the ceasefire could be at risk if the culprits are not quickly tracked down.

I'm in the shower! can you clean it later?

I don't intent to clean it at all.

"Journalist sought in McGarry murder sensation."

For fuck's sake, don't do that to me!

No fucking way!

I work with these guys. What about Patricia?

Below the headlines, she's missing. Her parents were bound and gagged.

This is out of control.

The best I could do.

I had a chat with the cops, they don't know anything either.

-You went to the police?
-No, they came to me.

They were rather embarrassed that a double murderer has easy access to the next prime minister.

I told them you hadn't said anything, and that I hadn't seen you since I dropped you off downtown yesterday.

-And they believed you?
-It doesn't matter, they're still looking for you.

-You're not serious?
-I got that at a charity shop three blocks down.

-They said it belong to a dead woman.
-Did they scalp her?

This is not going to work

I had a conversation with Margaret's classmates in college

-She did have a friend called Jack!
-This is slightly flared.

-Jack, man... Jack!
-He's divorced?

I don't know. What i do know is that Jack is a civil servant by day.

And by night, he becomes Jibblet O Gibbler, stand up comedian.

He's playing at the Dolphin tonight.

I hope he knows more about this than me,

because I know fuck all squared and a box.

It's the fashion police.

I'll met you at the Dolphin at 8 p.m.

if you make it.

Check the rooms!

-Oh my god!
-Good afternoon.

You stupid, fat, sweaty bastard!

We've got to get out of here now!

Check all rooms!

Just leave it on the table.

Sorry, big man. Didn't see you there.

Got any children yourself, love?

Two? What are they? Protestants?

Good to see so many [inaudible]

Still doing the [inaudible]

Look like you're eating more than leaving.

Hey, did anybody watch "Scooby Doo"?

There's Shaggy at the bar.

All right, moving on. Put your hands together and give a Dolphin welcome

to the the fabulous Jibblet O Jibber!

There's this american praying earlier on this afternoon, and he was caught on-

-Starkey! sorry I'm late, I had to go-
-Look, it's McCoubrey!

Those were the guys that were chasing us... not now.

-Are you looking to get fucking decked?
-The fuck's happening?

-Sorry, sorry.
-Fuck off!

Call me later, I'm at the Europa Hotel in the Clinton suite.

What do you call a patient in the Belfast burns unit?

A UVF explosives expert.

Present company excepted, of course. What? can't take a joke?

Can't you? the views expressed on this stage are not necessarily those shared by minicabs.

There's been some sad news this evening...

3 IRA men were actually killed

when their car tragically left the road

and struck a tree, and UVF said they planted it.

That's all from me, thanks very much and goodnight.

-Jack, I wondered if I could have a word.
-My manager is downstairs.

-Please? I need to talk to you.
-Fuck off!

-What was that for?
-That was for Northern Ireland.

And that was for Margaret.

-Why did you have to kill her, Jack?
-It wasn't me, it was that cunt Starkey.

I'm Starkey, you stupid bastard!

The last thing she ever said to me on this earth was about you.

Why did you have to kill her?

I didn't, I swear to god! I haven't seen her for weeks!

-Look, what did she say?
-She was dying!

-She said "Jack" and "divorce"!
-divorce? what the fuck does that have to do with me?

I don't know! i'm trying to find out.

Open up!

It's him! It's Starkey!

What are you doing in there?

Open up that fucking door!

-I've got Starkey! come on!

-In the name of god, help me!
-Fuck away off!

Holy mother of god!

-Thank you, sister.
-You can stick your sister up your hole.

You're bleeding all over my frigging car!

Do you mind me asking which particular order you're from?

Armalite and Carmelite?

Shut up and tie that around your neck, just try and stop the flow.

I can't!

Crown Victoria is just around the corner.

-I can't go to hospital!
-You'd rather bleed to death?

Go on... tell me you're a terrorist. Tell me!

I've spent the night being felt up at a priest's retirement party.

Now i've got a man dying in the front seat!

I'm not a terrorist, ok?

I'll be straight with you: my name is Dan Starkey

I'm wanted for two murder I didn't- I didn't commit

I'm being chased by the IRA, UVF, RUC and the British Army.

My wife has disappeared. I've just given a comedian a really good hiding,

And i've been shot in the fucking leg for a [inaudible]. I'm fucking dying here.

Help me, sister!

Jesus Christ...

I'm afraid I had to amputate.

-What?!
-Don't panic.

It's just a flesh wound. You've lost a lot of blood, but the bullet went clean through.

-I stitched you up.
-What the fuck?

Nun-a-gram by night, nurse by day

Sure you know what the health service pays.

Your picture is plastered all over the papers.

And that girl you didn't kill... her dad's had a heart attack.

-He's on a life support machine.
-It just gets better and better.

-Thanks for not turning me in.
-I used to read your stuff in the paper.

-They say you kidnapped your wife.
-She's in my pocket.

-I'm only telling you what they're saying.
-I know, sorry.

Look at you...

Florence Nightingale.

Florence Nightingale is about to spend the next 12 hours shoveling up some senile old bastard's shite.

-Right now, i'd love that job.
-I had to do yours last night, you know?

Rest, i'll see you later.

Take it easy.

The future is bright, the future is Brinn!

Vote Michael Brinn!

Michael Brinn, though clearly still shocked by the events

has continued to carry out a program of public appearances and

is stressing his belief that the murders were not sectarian, but rather,

random acts of violence, unrelated to the Alliance party, the ceasefire, or the election.

-Arctic Aroma, [inaudible]
-9:30

-And bring your credit card.
Yeah, i got that.

Just be sure to leave 10 p pay for that call
The wine is 4 quid.

-Feelin' better?
-I slept. I have to go

-I have to see a man about a horse
-Hope you buy it. You shouldn't be walking on that leg.

I washed your jeans. Couldn't do much about it, but it holds.

I have another job on tonight, if you want i'll give you a lift.

Thanks. I'd be lost without you.

Did you hear the IRA have shot 2 Mormons in Derry?

-Morons?
-Mormons!

Apparently, they were mistaken for plain-clothes police,

It's the short hair and superior smiles.

That's the end of that campaign.

Once the mormons are on their case, the IRA will be begging for peace terms.

-Have you nothing more cheerful than that?
-It's Dvorak!

What's wrong with Dvorak? there's something so soulful about him.

More sexy than Mozart- what the fuck?!

Get the fuck off me!

Who you with? who are you working for?

I'm working for the fucking health service. I'm a nurse!

-And you said it!
-I said what?

You said the last words Margaret ever spoke and I never told you!

I didn't say anything.

Jack! divorce Jack!

-You said it!
-Dvorak, the music!

The bloody composer!

-Sorry.
-Fuck you!

I... I've been so fucking stupid!

-You ungrateful bastard!
-I'm sorry.

-I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and then you just-
-I thought- I thought it was a man,

Jack.

It's a tape.

Some fucking classical tape.

I've sold it for 50 p

Keep it running, they're not used to nuns around here.

They're likely to throw boulders first and ask questions later.

I wasn't born yesterday.

I keep thinking of you as a nun...

-All sheltered and virginal
-You'd be surprised.

-I can wait for you if you want.
-Does your life lack excitement, by any chance?

I'd like to help, you have the world on your shoulders.

You've done more than enough.

The dirty beast!

I'd better go

-You are disgusting!
-Fuck off!

Fuck off yourself, cunt face!

-Can I help you, sir?
-It's ok. I'm an artist.

-Dan, how are you?
-I'm fine.

Starkey, I... the whole world is after you.

I know.

-What's that smell?
-It's gasoline in my underpants.

Sorry... gin and tonic. And yourself?

You'd be Starkey, then?

-Very nice
-Sorry,

But I had no choice.

The name is Keegan. Pat Keegan.

Cow Pat Keegan?

-I thought you were in prison?
-I was released. Good behavior

These are my colleagues, Mad Dog and Frankie.

-Still IRA?
-Still?

You think the IRA wear suits like this?

Don't go blaming your friend here for letting you down.

We had a very entertaining afternoon, didn't we? playing Irish roulette.

You lose again.

By the way, Starkey. I understand that you killed my girlfriend.

-Should we order?
-I'm not very hungry.

Gentleman, tonight our special is a breaded escallop of turbot

prepared in a mixture of white bread and brioche crumbs and served with a sourrel sauce.

-We'll have a couple of jam sandwiches.
-We're really not that sort of restaurant, sir.

-You have bread, do you?
-Of course, sir.

-And jam?
-I see what sir is driving at

-Raspberry or strawberry?
-Whatever you like yourself.

Certaintly, sir.

Now, about this tape...

-Tape?
-You don't want to play stupid buggers with me, Starkey

Tell me where the tape is, and I'll see what I can do for you that doesn't involve lead.

I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.

What a pity. Still, do you find the penis such a marvelous memory stimulant?

Should we go?

Shouldn't we wait for the sandwiches?

See the last fellow we had that wouldn't talk?

we stopped to put a blindfold on him, took him up to Cave Hill, shot him in the back of the head

Why bother with a blindfold if you're shooting them in the back of the head?

We were wearing the blindfolds. It was fucking amusing.

Took us nearly 20 minutes to plug the bastard.

Don't hurt the fucking dip

Ok, Starkey. I'm going to make this very simple for you.

I'm going to count to 3

If you haven't told me where the tape is by the time I get to 3,

nosy Parker here learns to fly.

But there's no point, I don't have it.

-I had it. I sold it!
-Three!

Fastest rate I ever saw.

-13 stories in 4 seconds.
-You bastard!

Don't fuck me about anymore, Starkey.

Which leaves us the small matter of the tape.

You can stick your tape up your fucking hole.

Well, I don't think it would fit up my hole.

But... I have an idea whose it might.

Look at that.

Hey, Dan.

You fucker!

That's very kind of you, Starkey. But I fucked her already.

Trish?

At long last. It was like having a dead Siamese twin.

-You fuckin' slept with him?
-There wasn't much sleeping involved.

That's just lovely.

-Shits in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
-Or potatoes!

-I can't believe you screwed him.
-I was out on the web, he cheered me up.

By kidnapping you? I can't believe i'm hearing this. I could understand if it was rape.

-You mean you'd prefer that I was raped?
-Yes... no.

-It doesn't matter anymore.
-It course it matters.

-It matters as much as you sleeping with her
-That's a different thing entirely

Ok, it wasn't right.

But god knows i've paid... she has paid for it!

Screwing someone who kidnaps you, that's...

-It happened to Patty Hearst.
-You're not fucking Patty Hearst. You don't have any fucking money.

Has it ever crossed your mind that I might be doing this for revenge, to get even?

I'd hardly ever have found out. Don't make me laugh, he's a killer

-Who do you think he is, Robin fucking Hood?
-He does what he has to to survive

It has nothing to do with survival, that was murder for the sake of it. And you screwed him!

-Take it easy!
-Just shut up, ok?

Shut up! So I screwed him, but it's over.

-And we're not sleeping together anymore
-You mean you did it more than once?

Yes... but it's over.

He did- he's dropped you.

You screwed your kidnapper. You fell for him and now he's dropped you.

-It's not funny, Dan.
-Yes, it is.

The revenge that caved in on itself.

You must feel pretty bloody dirty.

I never kissed him.

Thats ok, then.

Isn't that just lovely.

You freaker!

If you look down, love, you'll see Frankie shoveling the first pancake away.

-There's no need for this.
-You are right, Starkey.

But it's exciting, isn't it? And of course, it gives us a good laugh as well.

-You're so sick.
-Ok!

-One...
-Look, I don't have the tape

-I had it...
-Two...

-Listen! I had it. I sold it. I didn't know what was on it and I still don't

It's a tape of Dvorak, fuck's sake.

I sold it to a second hand tape stall in a market in Bangor.

I swear to god! now let her go.

-Truth?
-Yes! let her go, please.

I've told you.

Ah, well... sucker.

You shut your mouth.

-I'm collecting for the black babies.
-Not now, sister. You're all right

Lee!

Drop it! I said drop it!

-This?
-Are you deaf?

Now get your fucking weapon out and drop it on the floor now.

I don't believe in them.

-They ruin the line of your suit.
-So does this.

Get this off!

-Who the hell is she?
-Not now, Patricia!

Not so much fun now, eh?

You're not going to let him do this to me, are you, darling?

Not after everything we've been through.

I fell for you. Now you fall for me.

So... about this tape.

-What's so special?
-I don't know. It's just special.

-One...
-Jesus.

McGarry was looking for 100 grant for it.

I wasn't going to pay, but I was very keen for a lesson, that's it.

I can't breathe!

-Two...
-Wait, Starkey.

There's something about Brinn on it. something that will keep him of the throne, that's all I know.

Why did McGarry give it to Margaret?

Because he wasn't getting any money for it.

He wanted to put it somewhere safe. He was a greedy fool, and she died because of it.

-You mean you killed her for it?
-Not Margaret.

I wouldn't. I loved her.

You're going to damn fucking pay when I get out here!

Wait, Starkey!

-What will it take to get me out of this?
-An ability to fly.

-Three.
-Don't!

After what he did to you?

That wasn't rape, Dan. And if you do this

it makes you as bad as him.

-And you're not.
-She's right. You're not.

Is that some sort of compliment?

-Get me in.
-What? Starkey?

I thought you don't believe in violence?

Starkey! don't leave me here!

-Where did you get the gun?
-It's just a replica from a stripping policewoman.

I saw those men follow you into the restaurant. I knew I had to do something.

-So how did you two...
-Not now!

Hold your horses.

That's not [inaudible] perfect, but better. Get back inside

Mine's bigger than yours.

So shoot me!

-What the fuck do you want?
-That's not a very pleasant greeting, Mouse.

If the line is bugged, speaking quietly isn't going to fool them.

-Of course the line isn't bugged, Danny Boy.
-I need a car.

-I'll see you at the Monkey Puzzle Tree at 9 o'clock
-But Dan-

Right, the Monkey Puzzle Tree.

-Where is the Monkey Puzzle Tree?
-There's no Monkey Puzzle Tree.

It's election day in Belfast, history in the making

And here I am, hiding behind a tree.

We drank here as kids back when our only worries were about getting served or about getting a girl,

When murder was a hangover.

We always called it the Monkey Puzzle Tree 'cause Mouse told us

That's what it was. But it wasn't, and he knew better than to call me Danny Boy.

Mouse!

-Told you not to mess with the [inaudible]
-Did you get the car?

It's an automatic. Takes on leaded petrol.

There's half a tank in it and 3 vouchers towards a plastic beaker with George Best's head on it.

Do you tell me what's going on? Or where you're going?

-Dan... You didn't do everything they say, did you?
-Mouse, come on.

-What about Patricia?
-You mean this Patricia?

I thought...

-Oh my god!
-Not now.

I want you to keep them safe, can you do just till I get everything sorted out.

-Of course.
-Thanks.

That's what friends are for, mate.

-You don't have to do this, you know?
-I know. But someone has to

May as well be one of the good guys.

-You're one of the good guys.
-I have my moments.

Those lips are my lips. I'll be back for them.

He'll be back.

I didn't tell him which car it was.

-Collector's item, was it?
-It's worth nothing.

It's just my mother's, you know, sentimental value.

-Was it with the one with all the Vikings and stuff?
-That's it.

-What happened to that?
-Maybe this will help?

It's coming back to me. It's not quite there yet.

I need that fucking tape, now either you tell me,

or you get "The Collected Works of Engelbert Humperdinck" up your fucking arse!

Ok, ok... a priest, he gave me a few quid for it.

-Did you get his name? did he write you a check?
-I don't know.

He was just passing through, said he was from Cross My Heart?

Yes. In the heart of the Congo.

There you go.

Move, fatso!

Watch out, you fucking idiot!

Just shut the fuck up

-I'm looking for Dvorak.
-Oh, Dvorak hasn't been in today yet.

I'm looking for a tape of Dvorak, you fucking prick!

I have quite a few, he's hardly Mr. Popular.

Get me them! now!

Five quid?

-What the fuck was that all about?
-I told you it had sentimental value.

In the early 70's, when religious rats were tearing Belfast apart,

someone had the bright idea of shipping whole communities out of the city,

giving them new houses and state-supported industry.

Except you don't treat bubonic plague by moving victims to unifected areas.

Cross My Heart was soon as wild and ricked as anything in Belfast,

And one man cracked the wip: Cow Pat Keegan.

Not many votes for Michael Brinn in this place.

Father, I'm here about a cassette tape you bought in Bangor the other day.

A tape? you mean [inaudible] I picked up in the market.

You see, it was sold to you by mistake, It was my mother's.

Oh dear, your mother's?

She know it was Michael Brinn then, does she?

-You listened to it?
-Of course I have.

And even as they're counting the votes, I would say our Mr. Brinn had problems.

-How did it feel taking that bomb?
-They told me i'd be a hero.

I sent 50 peelers to hell and I loved it.

I thought it was another woman

and he'd been careless with a phone call.

... or another man.

You're going about your daily business,

and nobody knows that at night, you go out and plant bombs.

He was planting a bomb

at a police dinner in the Conway Hotel when it went off prematurely.

He was in the IRA.

He killed 13 innocent people in the blast.

Fuck!

Fuck, indeed.

-You shot people as well, no?
-Not directly.

You know, not the trigger, you pass down information.

David, please understand.

Please, understand.

I got caught up in it all, you know? it was like an addiction...

-It's quiet in here.
-Only busy on [inaudible] day, then it's pandemonium.

-So, what can I do for you?
-Can you send this first class?

I'm afraid we only do second class. We reflect the standard of our clientele.

-That's a sad indictment of your clientele.
-You haven't met them yet.

-You must make a lot of friends with that attitude?
-On the contrary

-Anything valuable?
-No.

Want a record of delivery? Registered? Guaranteed next day?

Just post it!

-Ok. Guaranteed next day.
-Guaranteed next day? absolutely.

-That'll be 3,20.
-There you go.

-Do you want a receipt?
-No.

-Are you sure?
-No.

You're not sure?

Just fucking post it!

Suit yourself.

Doctor Zhivago? you see the film?

-No, I prefer...
-He dies in the end!

They seek them here, they seek them there.

Get your fucking hands up.

Drop them. Act natural.

Careful.

-Any mail for me today?
-Just the one.

-Where's the tape?
-What tape?

What's the point in all this? you'll only end up being damaged.

-What's that like?
-Come on, will ya?

-Inside the car
-You want me to drive?

-Give me the keys.
-You are not insured.

Give me the fucking keys, Starkey!

You are your own worst enemy, Starkey.

-You know that tape is worth a fortune?
-Don't even suggest it, son.

Well, well, well, Daniel.

-Funny what attracts two people, isn't it?
-Sorry?

Me and Margaret, you and Margaret,

You and your wife,

Me and your wife.

I suppose really to complete the circle, you should sleep with my wife.

-But I wouldn't recommend it.
-Crap, is she?

You listen to the tape?

I'm sure you appreciate how desperate he is to get it back

-And how keen I am to get a hold of it
-I don't have it.

Let's not go down this road again, Starkey. You know exactly where it is.

Here's what I want you to do: I want you to go see Michael Brinn.

You tell him I have a tape of him confessing to the bombing of the Conway Hotel

Tell him to bring a million pounds to the Salem Valley tomorrow at dawn...

Just him. Him alone.

I'd like you to come as well, obviously, and bring the tape.

And then we'll all have a nice little pow wow.

-And why the fuck would I go along with all that?
-Because I want you to be there.

Otherwise I'll have to find out where the tape is,

and so Mad Dog would have to torture you to within an inch of your life.

Are you ready to go now?

It's okay. I'll go for the torture.

What are you protecting him for?

Is there anything funnier than a journalist wrestling with his conscience?

Whatever he did, it was a long time ago.

Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture.

I'll tell you what, my newly-principled little friend. I'll make it easy for you.

If I didn't have this little [inaudible] Starkey, you'd be dead already, you understand?

And not just you. As of 30 minutes ago,

Our lovely little Patricia

and the nun with the gun

and a man who goes by the name of Mouse are being

held under my protection in Belfast.

How's that for the bigger fucking picture?

You're not as smart as you think.

I've never claimed to be smart.

What if i'm stopped? what if someone recognizes me?

You'll get through. It's been arranged.

-Mouse?
-Stop playing the hero and do what they say, will you?

Voters are turning out in their thousands to decide the future of Northern Ireland.

This is Christine Bleakley with the 12 o'clock news.

A BBC exit poll suggests that Brinn has taken a substantial early lead in today's-

Fucking Jim Reeves!

Out!

Well, Dan, your own personal escort service.

In the back.

When I say the back,

I mean the back.

1 million to Cow Pat Keegan...

On a lonely road at dawn...

Now you know why I don't touch alcohol...

one drunken night with David McGarry.

He was my best friend...

I thought he was.

Male bonding.

We told each other everything.

But he was recording it.

And now here you are, the devil's advocate.

Hard to drink mead with eggs, isn't it?

No wonder he's so evil. Tastes like shite.

What a performer.

Laughing in the face of death.

You know more about death than me.

Indeed. How the follies of youth come back to haunt me.

I had a burning fervor for Ireland.

I'd burned for Ireland.

Have you ever heard of words like guilt or remorse?

All of this is about guilt.

It's all about remorse.

I made my mistake. I'm making amends

I just want to put things right, Dan.

I just need the chance.

He hasn't got the tape, has he?

If he had, he wouldn't bother sending you here, he'd do it direct.

It's you, isn't it? you've got it?

What's he offered you? Money, is it? or just another exclusive?

He's holding my wife.

Sorry.

I lost her once. I don't want to lose her again.

Dan, listen to me: If he gets hold of that tape, it will be anarchy.

10,000 people will die. I guarantee it.

Will you accept that responsibility?

1 life for 10,000?

Would you let your wife die if it meant peace?

Sometimes you have to look beyond the individual.

Motherfuck, out ya get.

Hope he's not going to make you Minister of Transport, Alfie.

It's just over 6 o'clock in the morning

Everybody getting very excited 'cause Brinn is set to become Prime Minister.

They say everybody loves this guy... counting of votes has continued overnight, with the result only hours away.

Election fever is raging in Northern Ireland yesterday...

While Brinn looks a firm favorite, regardless of who is elected Prime Minister,

it marks the dawn of a new age for Northern Ireland

Hello, Pat! long time.

Mickey.

You know each other?

We share an interest in hotels.

-Police dinner is our speciality
-That is right.

Except you knew they pulled out.

A bomb is a bomb.

Besides, just look what an illustrious career I kickstarted.

Did you have trouble with the word "alone"?

No, but i'm not as naive as I used to be.

It's a little moral support, you know?

-Do you have the tape?
-You have the money?

I thought it was a nice touch of irony.

You have wee Margaret killed,

And her lover brings her salvation.

You?

No... I didn't. The dream team here overstepped the mark.

Her father betrayed us. Everything was in a bounce, things got out of hand.

We are back to individuals.

Individuals? it's individuals went out of their way to vote for you...

Individuals giving up their heritage to put you into par.

indi-fuckin-viduals? i'm an individual!

You are an individual! Dougal of the Magic Roundabout's a fucking individual.

You're both the same.

We're going straight back to civil war here 'cause you two don't give a flying fuck about individuals!

We got the point, Starkey.

-Now shut the fuck up.
-No! Make me!

You're going to kill me anyway.

The problem with you two... it's all numbers.

1 million pounds, 10,000 dead!

13 skeletons... numbers!

It's easy, because numbers aren't people!

Numbers don't think for themselves! They don't go out for a pint with a lad.

They don't throw potatoes through people's windows,

And they don't kiss you the best fucking kiss in the world, do they?

Do you understand?!

Scratch a deep souled journalist there's always a little philosopher wainting to come out.

Fuck you, Prime Minister!

See what I mean about peace?

It's easier said than practiced.

This is a one-off payment for your silence. You try it again, I'll break you.

Go on, count it

You're all right, Michael. I trust it

Let's all have a wee listen now, shall we? and check if this is authentic?

I was amongst them. God, for so long I wanted to die

Oh, dear... Nothing like the Mickey O'Brinn I remember.

Games...

always loved your little games.

What about Starkey?

Do you want me to take the reporter with me?

No, you are all right, Michael.

I'll take care of him myself.

I thought you said they were long life batteries?

Bet you glad you stayed behind now, Starkey.

Don't look so shocked.

I'm just returning a compliment, Danny boy.

Leave him.

You're alive, 'cause if you loved Margaret half as much as I did...

you'll want to write about her... about who killed her

and why.

People should know he wasn't a martyr to peace.

-Here, look at that!

Dan?

-Patricia?
-She's ok,

we're all ok.

They know all about it. Just take it easy.

They're all dead.

It's chaos out there. But then it always has been.

I have to go.

More shite to shovel.

Thanks.

I haven't had so much fun in years.

-FUCK!
-We're not saying you can't write about it, we'd just prefer it if you didn't

-I'm sure you would
-You've got to think of the stability of the country, the harm that this could do.

Can I make a full and frank statement?

-Am I wanted for any crime?
-No.

You can fuck off, then.

Her Majesty has asked me to personally urge you not to write.

Is she going to make me the Duke of Westminster? or the Count of Monte Cristo?

-No.
-She can fuck off as well.

Did you have an affair with Margaret McGarry?

Was Michael Brinn involved?

No comment.

How the fuck are you?

Your gob has been all over the box.

My husband says to me, you should call the fucking peelers, thell them he was in your fucking taxi.

Says I: Billy, will you fuck up?

Thanks.

I have to go back now and make him his fucking dinner. He wouldn't cook a fucking egg.

I left for him fucking crispy pancakes. That's all the fucker ate.

I don't know what i'll write.

Maybe about love and betrayal,

war and peace.

Maybe about Parker and learning to fly,

or about Margaret, and how a single stolen moment can change the fate of...

Anyway, I hope it'll be better than the other shite.

So... how's married life treating you?

The guy that owns this house says this is a magic city.