All language subtitles for 11 Deadpool 2 Super Duper Cut - Action 2018 English

11 Deadpool 2 Super Duper Cut - Action 2018 English

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

[WINDING MUSIC BOX]

[ALL OUT OF LOVE PLAYING]

[SNIFFING]

[BOTTLES CLATTERING]

[DEADPOOL] Fuck Wolverine.

First, he rides my coattails
with the R rating.

Then the hairy motherfucker
ups the ante by dying.

What a dick.

Well, guess what, Wolvie?

I'm dying in this one, too.

[X GOIN' GIVE IT
TO YA PLAYING]

[DEADPOOL] To understand
why I took a cat-nap

on 1,200 gallons
of high-test fuel

I need to take you back

to the dewy slopes
of six weeks ago.

I'd gone international,

taking out mass murderers,
gangsters,

unspeakable monsters.

People nobody would touch.
Except me.

I'm gonna touch them all over.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[DEADPOOL]
Hey, it's Gail calling.

Love the shiny suit.

Really brings out

the sex trafficker in your eyes.
[SPEAKING CANTONESE]

Whatever they're paying,
I'll double it.

[IN ENGLISH] I don't
speak Cantonese, Mister...

Well, I'm not even gonna
attempt that.

But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Where is the library?

Which literally translates to

I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.

[CELL PHONE CLATTERS]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

[GUNS COCKING]

Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's.

I am so sorry.

I thought this was
an anal-bleaching party.

[GUNS FIRING]

[GRUNTING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GASPS]

[SHUSHING]

[MEN LAUGHING]

Don't worry.
You're not going to die.

Although these will kill you.

Hit it, Dolly.

[9 TO 5 PLAYING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

I'm merely
a vessel for the Lord.

[MEN GROANING]

Taking the hands out
of the guns of the criminals!

Whoo! Do not go in there!

Let's see
Captain America do that.

[MEN CHEERING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Too exotic?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I don't bargain.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Oh, God! Oh, God,
time out! Time out!

Cut. I've got bad guy blood,
right in my open eye.

Oh, that's so gross.

[GROANING]

Fuck.

Looks like you left
a little landing strip there.

I like it.

Oh, man!

[DEADPOOL] My world tour
brought me home

to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.

But we'll get to him
in a moment.

'Cause I know
what you're thinking.

I'm so glad
I left the kiddos at home.

But that's where you'd be wrong.

That babysitter of yours
is high as fuck right now,

and, believe it or not,
Dead pool 2 is a family film.

True story.

And every good family film
starts with a vicious murder.

Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.

[CHUCKLING] Holy shit pickles!
That guy's on fire.

That's not CGI, folks.
He's actually on fire.

Yeah. You know I get paid
to take out bad guys, right?

But this guy?

He was one of the worst of 'em.

Hurry up and open
this fucking door,

and let's kill
this motherfucker!

[ALARM RINGING]
[GUNSHOT]

[BODY THUDS]

Ugh. So gross.

A panic room? Really?

Can you come out?
[WATCH BEEPING]

I really have to go.
It's my anniversary.

[GUNS COCKING]

[MAN] [ON RADIO] Over and
over, I hear people say,

I just don't have
enough confidence.

Listen, confidence is not
something you have.

It's something you create.
[LAUGHS]

And you can create it
at any moment in time.

A sense of confidence is nothing

but a sense of power
within yourself

a sense of certainty that
you can pull something off.

[DEADPOOL]
Start the fucking car!

Dopinder!

Start the fucking car!

[SCREAMS]

[MAN] Shoot that motherfucker!
Shoot him!

- Whoo!
- Oh, I shit my pants.

Actually, that may have been me.

Oh, mission accomplished?

Oh, in a George W.
Sort of way.

Fucker can't stay
in a panic room forever.

[DOPINDER] Oh, you're living
the dreams, DP.

It has been
quite the run, Dopinder,

and who'd a thought?

Now I'm talked about
in the same sentence as Jesus.

Passion of the Christ, then me.

At least domestically.

We beat them overseas,

where there's no such thing
as religion.

I do want to live
the dreams, Pool Boy.

Taxiing is not as sexy
as it looks.

- I want to fill my...
- Pockets?

What's your poison?
A little, uh, cokey cokey?

Can't maintain an erection

without buying shoes online?
[HORN HONKS]

I've never experienced
that last one.

Talk to me, Goose.

I was going to say soul.
I want to fill my soul.

I want to belong to something,
like you, Pool, sir.

- Dopinder...
- Hmm?

You never cease to surprise me.

You know, the depth of
your heart is extraordinary.

We all need
a sense of belonging.

We all need
a genuine sense of home.

A place in this world.

I want to become
a contract killer.

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu

and threatened him
with great violence?

You kind of killed him.

And then remember the movie
Interview with the Vampire?

Don't want to.

When Tom Cruise fed

10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood

for the first time,

and she looked up at his smooth,

handsome face and said

I want some more.

Oh, Pool, picture me,
a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.

I'll never not picture that.

But I can't wait
to never speak of this,

as soon as possible.

We're here.
[BRAKES SCREECHING]

[GROANS]

Dopinder, it's me again.

Look, a saner man
might discourage you

from joining
the deadly merc business

what, with your concave chest

and your paper towel tube arms.

But you're an eagle,

and god damn it,
an eagle's gotta soar.

You gotta grab those dreams,

grab those dreams
by the dick tip,

and make it rain!

I don't know what that means.

Me neither.
[BOTH LAUGH]

I'm gonna see you...

[EXCLAIMS]

At the office.

In the sky.

You're my Tom Cruise!

[DEADPOOL]
And you're my Kristen Dunst!

Kristen? Kirsten?

Sorry I'm late.

There was a bunch of

handicapable children
stuck in a tree,

- and I had to, uh...
- Uh-uh.

You're right.
I was fighting a caped badass.

But then we discovered
his mom is named Martha, too.

- No.
- You got me.

I was rounding up
all the gluten in the world

and launching it into space

where it can't not
hurt us ever again.

Try again.

Diarrhea?

We can't be sure
until I get this suit off,

but, uh, all signs point to yes.

Traffic?

Hmm?

Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

Well, come here.

[TAKE ON ME PLAYING]

[VANESSA MOANS]

I'm gonna shower
and get out of this suit.

Don't you want your surprise?

Do I look like
a patient burn victim?

I got one for you, too.

Happy anniversary, baby.

Open, open, open.

Skee-Ball token.

Our first date.

Yup.

That's genuine, high-grade lead.

I'll keep it forever.
[CHUCKLES]

Thank you, baby.

- Open yours.
- All right, all right.

Oh...

That's just the most
beautiful thing that I've

I don't know what this is.

My IUD.

A bomb?

No, dick for brains.
My birth control device.

What, you mean that your...

Baby factory's open
for business.

Oh, my God!
[BOX CLATTERS]

[VANESSA LAUGHS]
Oh, my God! I want a boy!

Or a little girl!
Definitely one or the other!

Oh! And I want our kid
to have only one name.

Like Cher or Todd.

You gotta pump a baby
in me first, cowboy.

Yes, I do.

Let's watch some porn
and show that bed who's boss.

Let's do that.

[SINGING] Papa...

Can you hear me?

Papa, can you see me?

Does this song
sound familiar to you?

May.

Connor, if it's a boy.
May, if it's a girl.

[CHUCKLES]

So weird.
[LAUGHS]

Family was always
an F-word to me.

My pile of shit father
took off and bailed.

I mean, it's not like I have
a lot of strong role models

to draw off of for Todd.

Hey. Look at me.

You are not your father.

Besides

I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.

But here's the thing,

isn't that how it always works?

Like in Star Wars,

men are destined
to become their father,

and then have consensual sex
with their sister?

I think you missed
big, big chunks of that movie.

No, I'm pretty sure
Luke nailed her.

Baby, that's Empire.

The point is, kids

they give us a chance
to be better than we are.

Better than we used to be.

You're a lot smarter
than I look.

I'm gonna go make dessert.

You get the strap-on.
Let's make a super baby.

Pretty sure it doesn't work
that way, but we can try.

[VANESSA] What about Krystal?
But with a K?

[TIMER TICKING]
It's too stripper-y.

Kevin with a K!

No, too stripper-y, too.

Uh, Earl!

[IN SLOW MOTION]
He's gonna go straight to jail

if we name him Earl.

What about Bruce?

No.

Get down.

What?
[GUN FIRES]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[GUN FIRING]

Baby? Baby?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

I'm okay.

Thank God I didn't have to use
the cream cheese spreader.

[BOTH PANTING]
[GASPS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[MOUTHING] Please.

Please. Please.

Baby, I'm so sorry.

No!

[DINGS]

[PANTING]

[HORN BLARING]
[GRUNTS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[ENGINE STALLING]

[YELLS]

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[HORN BLARES]

[WOMAN SINGING]

[SINGING]
Papa, can you hear me?

Is it just me, or does

Do You Want to Build
a Snowman? from Frozen

sound suspiciously like

Papa, Can You Hear Me?
From Yentl?

[SNIFFLES]

[SINGING]
Papa, can you hear me?

And nobody fucking realizes it.

Wade, you gotta go home.

You've been sitting here
for three days, okay?

You smell like sauerkraut
left in the warm rain.

Like wet garbage in hot urine.

You smell like
a dog ate kitty litter,

and then farted his way
out of the living room.

I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's

couch cushions after Shark Week.

I love Frozen.

I loved her. I loved her
like an ocean loves water.

An ocean is water.

More importantly, I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?

George Michael was right.

I'm never gonna
dance again. Fuck!

He's dead, too.

At least we still have Bowie.

Oh, Mr. Pool.
David Bowie is...

Uh, uh, uh

still with us.

We do.
We'll always have Bowie.

I'm sorry.

Shot after shot,

it's not gonna change the fact
that I think you're...

Are you pissing?
Are you urinating right now?

You're making the face that
you make when you urinate.

- Is he pissing?
- I'm on it!

There you go, Dopinder.

If you want to be
a contract killer

you gotta handle a mop
before you handle a gun.

Although I don't
quite understand

how they are at all similar.

'Cause I could shove either
one up your ass and kill you.

Now, leave me.

I get it.

Go home, Wade.

I don't have a home,
Weas, you know. I got a...

Okay, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

You know what fine
stands for, Wade?

Fucked up, insecure,
needy, and emotional.

According to the...

- Kübler-Ross.
- Yeah.

According to
the Kübler-Ross model

denial is just one of
the five stages of grief.

Jesus Christ, Buck!

No more speaking lines for you.

[LAUGHING]

[JACK BENNY SCATTING ON RADIO]

[COMEDY SERIES PLAYING
ON RADIO]

[THUG] [ON RADIO]
Hey, bud. Bud.

[JACK] Huh?
[THUG] Got a match?

[JACK] Match?

Yes, I have one right here.

[THUG] Don't make a move.
This is a stick-up.

[JACK] -What?
[THUG] -You heard me.

[JACK] Mister, Mister,
put down that gun.

[THUG] Shut up. Now, come on.
Your money or your life?

[SNIFFS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON RADIO]

[THUG] Look, bud. I said,
Your money or your life.

I'm thinking it over!

Mother fuck!

Fuck!

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

The hell you doin' here?

Don't you know how to knock?

I thought you saw me

with your ears.

You're lucky I didn't
shoot you in the...

The wall?

The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.

[BLINDAL] I heard the news,
sweetie.

I'm very sorry. I am.

What am I gonna do, Al?

Probably something terrible.

Knowing you.

It was my fault.

I fucking did this.

And all I wanna do
is grab her and see her

and tell her that I'm sorry,
and I can't.

She's gone.

[BLINDAL] Sweetheart,
can you speak up?

It's a little hard to hear you

with that pity dick
in your mouth.

Now, look, sugar.
You need to just keep living.

Thank you

Matthew McConaughey,
your words are a treasure.

Listen to the pain.

It's both history teacher
and fortune teller.

Pain teaches us
who we are, Wade.

Sometimes, it's so bad,
we feel like we're dying.

But we can't really live till
we've died a little, can we?

Wade?

- Wade?
- I'm right here, Althea.

And that is
the most beautiful thing

I've ever heard.

And you're absolutely right.

[COUGHS]

I'm about to do
something terrible.

[DEADPOOL]
Precious, aren't they?

Whoa!

Are you a superhero?

Fucking A, sweetie.

What's your name?

Captain Delicious Pants.

Who's Captain Delicious Pants?

[KIDS SCREAMING]
[ANIMAL GROWLING]

I can't believe
he's still alive.

I can't believe you left
the house in that shirt.

There's gotta be
some way to die.

I just need to die harder.

Trademark Fox.

Y'all caught up now?

[OVERLAPPING VOICES]

[VANESSA] Open for business.

[OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE]

[WADE] Your crazy
matches my crazy.

[VANESSA] I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.

[WADE] Skee-Ball token.

You're a lot smarter
than I look.

[VOICES ECHOING]

[WADE] About why
we're so good together.

[VANESSA] I love you,
Wade Wilson.

[GASPS]

[WADE] Ness?

Ness?

Ness.

Ness, there's something here.
I can't get to you.

Your heart's not
in the right place.

[STAMMERS]
Wait, hold on. What?

Your heart's not
in the right place.

Wait. What do you mean

my heart's not in the right
place? What does it...

[TIMER TICKING]

[TIMER DINGS]

I'm terribly sorry
for your loss, Wade.

You're broken.

[DEADPOOL] Oh, God.
I know that voice.

[HEADMASTER] Well, Russell.

I hear you're handy
at picking locks.

There will be no need
for that here.

There's no locks on our doors,
no bars on our windows.

I know what you're thinking.

Why don't the kids just run?

Who would choose to stay
in such a place?

You stay because

deep down inside, you know
you're unfit to leave.

Don't worry.

We can fix that.

Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.

[DEADPOOL]
Heart's in the right place.

Heart's in the right...
What does that mean?

[COLOSSUS]
Take your mask off, Wade.

I wish you'd said pants.

Let's play a game.

It's called
Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?

Now, close your eyes
and open your mouth.

[COLOSSUS] You don't need
to be funny here.

We must talk.

You need fresh start.
[GROANS]

Such a glare.

It's like I'm on stage
at the Gaiety.

With training, you can be X-Man.

You're wasting your time,
Shiny Jesus.

I'm not X-Man material.

Understatement of the year.

Wade, Yukio.

Yukio, Wade.

What in the fuck knuckles
is this?

She's my girlfriend,
you intolerant shit.

Whoa! Pump the hate brakes,
Fox & Friends.

I'm just surprised
anyone would date you.

Especially Pinkie Pie
from My Little Pony.

I like this guy.

Give him a chance.

It's great seeing you like this.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY] Yeah.

Bye, Wade!

Now, some ground rules
while under our roof.

Rule number one.
No killing

anyone ever, no matter how bad.

Rule two. Label everything
in refrigerator.

Wade?

Wade?

- Don't try to chase me.
- Wade!

I'm not ready
to be touched again.

All these old guys on the wall.

Who lives here,
Calista Flockhart?

[OBJECTS SHATTERING]

Those were already damaged
after they fell there!

What am I supposed
to do around here, anyway?

Sit in a share circle,
talk about my feelings?

And how would I do that exactly?

'Cause where the fuck
is everyone?

It's always just you

and Negasonic Teenage
Longest Name Ever...

Enough!

[GASPS] I said no touching!

What the fuck?

You'd think the studio
would throw us a bone.

One that doesn't end up
in my mouth.

The first movie made more money

than the guy who invented pants.

They can't just dust off
one of the famous X-Men?

How 'bout that putz
with the giant pigeon wings?

What do those do anyway, huh?

Carry him
three feet off the ground

to snatch up
the nearest muffin crumb?

[DOORS CLOSE]
No, no, no!

I am not X-Man material at all.

First off [BREATHES DEEPLY]

I'm not even a virgin.
Second and more... [GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

I should have left you

in the self-pitying mess
I found you in.

But this is what friends do.
They show up!

Not when convenient or easy.

When hard,
and you always make it hard.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]
You are unwell.

I'm sticking my neck out
bringing you here.

[STRAINING] Wait.
One of the assholes

who killed Vanessa got away.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I thought you were gonna
kiss me for a second there.

Please know I wouldn't be
able to stop you if you did.

Wade, whoever they are

we track them down
and bring them to justice.

It was me.

I'm the asshole who got away.

I killed every last one
of them, except me.

Couldn't kill me.

We were gonna start a family.

We were, uh... [SNIFFLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

We were gonna be a family.

[COLOSSUS] Wade

Vanessa is gone.
She's not coming back.

This may not be family you want,

but it's family you need.

You have a good heart.

It belongs here
where it can grow.

What did you say?

About my heart?

[EXHALES]

I think I'm in the right place.

[GRUNTS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[SCREAMING]

[MAN] I'm a tell you
what the big lie is.

[ESCAPE PLAYING ON RADIO]
Toilet paper.

What's so bad
about toilet paper?

Gets the job done.

Does it really get the job done?

All right. Say you wake up
tomorrow morning,

and, hypothetically, find some
fresh shit on your face.

Your cheek, maybe
a little bit in the beard.

What the hell?
I'm about to be fucking sick!

What do you do?

Do you go to a bathroom

and tear off
a piece of dry tissue,

and rub it around
on your beard a little bit

and then go on,
get on with your day?

Go to church,
maybe dinner and a movie,

like nothing happened?

Where is this coming from, man?

But something did happen.

Your face smells like shit.
Right?

So what you would do,

is you would get some soap,
you'd get some hot water,

and you would scrub
the fucking shit

out of your beard
for 10 straight minutes.

You could not scrub it enough.

Are you trying
to make me feel disgusting?

I'm starting to feel...

Toilet paper is
a plenty fine appetizer.

But, then...

Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.

That's your main course.

They're soft, they're moist.
They're for babies.

Finally, one more pass
with toilet paper,

maybe clear out
that excess moisture.

Maybe treat yourself
to a blow and go,

if you can get you a hair dryer.

Just about 30 seconds
would do you good.

The fuck?

Year.

What?

What year is it?

What kind of dumb-ass question
is that to ask?

[ALARM RINGING]

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

[INSTRUCTOR] We have 8 weeks
of boot camp ahead of us, men.

That'll get us
toned and prepared

for all manner of combat.

Not working out at all.

Masking tape.

It is no friend
to chilled aluminium.

Velcro.
Colour-coded, efficient,

environmentally friendly.

Who is he talking to?

And why is he dressed like
a registered sex offender?

Can we focus
for a moment, ladies?

Please, we need to talk about
next month's meal plan.

Obviously,
everyone hated the ceviche.

I read the suggestion box.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I see through this weak act.

You may have fooled Colossus
with this nice guy shit,

but not me.

Don't be mean.

Back off, NTW.

No, no, no. Let her go.

Let her go, it's okay.

She has a right to be skeptical.

Look at me.
I'm an easy target.

You know, historically,

mischief has been my mistress,

so I understand, you know.
But I like to think

that you guys have
really rubbed off on me.

I like to think that I've
rubbed off around you, too.

A lot.

And for the first time
in a long while

I like me.

- I accept your apology.
- I never apologized.

I was talking to your heart.

See? You're not
lost cause you thought.

I'm proud. You're everything
I knew you can be.

Thank you, Colossus.

Just trying to be
the world's best X-Man.

Sorry, X-Person.

Hmm. Something wrong
with the soap.

It's fine.

I just filled it. Give it
a few more pumps there.

Now, if you'll excuse me

it's dust bunny season,

and I'm hunting wabbits.

Bye, Wade!

- [MOUTHING] Fuck.
- [MOUTHING] Fuck you.

[BELL CONTINUES RINGING]

[BELL STOPS RINGING]

[HEADMASTER]
No one is born perfect.

But you can be.

I know you're doing
what comes naturally.

You can't help yourself.

But you can.

It takes work, discipline,

and treatment.

Your abilities

I know how seductive they are.

How powerful they make you feel.

But you must learn
never to use them,

so they will never use you.

[CRYING]

Please don't cry.

I'm going to help.

I'm gonna make you feel
what you should feel.

How you need to feel

every time you're tempted
to act upon your urges.

Suck my mutant dick,
you four-eyed fuck.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

[COLOSSUS] Wade.

Wade!

Come in!
Hey, I was just doing

a little bit
of light reading here...

We have mission.

Well, you guys be
safe out there.

I'll be praying for you.

No, I want you to join.

I'm sorry, what?

You heard me.

Trust me,
that's a terrible idea.

I'm really not ready.

- You are ready.
- I'm not.

Be at the X-Jet in five.

I can do thirty.

- Now.
- I can do now.

Final offer.

[REPORTER] Irene Merry weather,
the News.

Live here
at a breaking news situation

at the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation.

A mutant boy
is appearing to have

some sort of an incident

with police here behind me.
[RUSSELL] Get away from me!

There are two police vehicles
that are overturned.

There are open fires.
Fuck off! Stay back!

[REPORTER] A scene of
absolute chaos here.

[OFFICER] Calm down.

[RUSSELL] I'll burn you!
You stay back!

Get away from me!

You wanna fucking die?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

And it appears as if the X-Men
are arriving...

[DEADPOOL] Scatter!

[REPORTER] with what appears
to be a trainee.

[DEADPOOL] Everyone, calm down!
The pros are here. I...

We're the X-Men!

A dated metaphor for racism
in the '60s.

So, respect.

At ease, Officer.

What are you doing?

My job!

You're the one who said
I was ready,

and I frankly disagreed
with you.

But here we are, trying to
overcome our differences.

Like Beyoncé says, Please...

Please, stop cheating on me.

[OFFICER] Hey!

This is the fifth incident.

This kid needs to be
in the Ice Box, not here.

Russell belongs in our care.

Not in prison.
I assure you

we have everything
under control.

[RUSSELL] Stay back!
I'll burn you!

Not getting a real

under control vibe here, Marty.

- It is Glen, isn't it?
- Daniel.

I'll ask the questions, Miguel.

Let me talk to the kid.

You stay here with your weird,
secret sex lips.

[RUSSELL] You wanna die?

[DEADPOOL] This kid's adorable.

I don't know why I packed
the hollow points.

I'll burn your balls off!

First day. [CHUCKLING]
I'm so nervous!

Did you just say hollow points?

Yeah, probably should've

brought a Super Soaker.
[LAUGHS]

Hi, there!

Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!

[LAUGHS] Justin Bieber.
He called you Justin Bieber.

[RUSSELL GRUNTS]
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!

Okay, let's not do
whatever that is.

Okay? Let's just talk!

It's Russell, right?

- Firefist.
- Firefist.

Ooh, that's a great name.
Where does it burn?

Just the fist, or all the way
up to the elbow?

[GRUNTS]

[CROWD EXCLAIMS]

[CHUCKLES] Definitely all
the way up to the elbow.

Come quietly,
or there will be trouble.

- You stole that from Robocop!
- That's from Robocop!

Just stand down!

You're embarrassing me.
Look, Fire...

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God! I can't say it!
I'm so sorry!

[GRUNTS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh, shit!
That fucking does it!

Put your hands behind your knees

and get down
on your head! Now!

Wade! What was first rule?

Label everything
in the refrigerator!

Do not escalate!
Rules are meant to be broken!

[COLOSSUS]
That's the exact opposite

of what they're meant for!

Fuck! Fine!

I'll start from the beginning.

My name is Dead pool,
and I'm an X-Man.

- Trainee!
- Shut it!

Look, I get it.

All right, you're scared.

Alone.

You got no family.

I didn't have a family, either.

You live in this dump.
Guess what?

I used to live in a shithole
just like it.

But you know something?

A wise woman once said to me...

Speak up.

I can't hear you with that
pity dick in your mouth.

Too much? I went too far.

[GRUNTS]
[ALL EXCLAIM]

That was effervescent.

[SIGHS] Stay in school, kid.

Or don't. I didn't.

And I'm an X-Man.
[THUDS]

Trainee.

Fuck it!

Superhero landing coming up!

[GRUNTS]

Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!

[GROANS]
That is so not practical.

[GRUNTS]
[GASPS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GROANS]

[CROWD CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

I could get used
to this X-Man shit.

[NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD]
Trainee!

[DEADPOOL] Trainee!

[OFFICER] Get a power restraint
on him. Now!

[DEADPOOL] Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.

[DEVICE WHIRRS]

What's that do?

Power-dampening collar.

Shuts down all mutant abilities.

You can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.

Huh. Could've used
one of those in the first act.

[HEADMASTER] Thank you!

That was absolutely thrilling.

True heroism in action.

We are in your debt.

We can take it from here.

Take me to the Ice Box, please!

Any where's better than here.

[DEADPOOL] Believe me, son,

you do not wanna go
to the Ice Box.

That place makes Hitler's anus
look like Waikiki.

Let's get you inside, young man.

No, wait, wait. Wait.

You guys stay there.

Those guys hurt you?

Who?

Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?

Both of 'em?

Oh, fuck it.

Four or five moments!

I'm sorry?

Four or five moments!

That's all it takes
to be a hero.

People think you wake up a hero

brush your teeth a hero

ejaculate into
a soap dispenser a hero.

[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]

But, no, being a hero
takes only a few moments!

A few moments

doing the ugly stuff
no one else will do.

[GROANS]

No!

[OFFICER] Stand down!
Hold your fire!

- Wade, what did you do?
- Colossus, no!

You were right, Wade.
You are not X-Men material.

No shit, Shiny Gandhi!

What was your first clue?

The hollow point
through that fuckhead's face?

That kid was abused!

You can always tell!
[COLOSSUS] We have rules!

You are not judge,
jury or executioner!

Fuck your rules!
I fight for what's right!

And sometimes
you gotta fight dirty!

You let me down
for the last time, Wade.

[OFFICER] Okay,
get these guys in the pod.

Take them to the Ice Box.
[SIRENS WAILING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[PRISONERS SHOUTING]
[WHISTLING]

[GATE BUZZING]

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
[GRUNTS]

Hey, baby!

I wonder what gang I'll be in.

Yeah!

Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?
[MOUTHS] Hi.

I've always seen myself as

more of
an East Coast Hufflepuff.

I've made a critical error
on my Airbnb reservation.

This is not what the website
looked like at all.

I love the decor though.

I had no idea
hopeless was a colour.

[GUARD] Hard left, douche bag.

Please, after you.

Another disgusting minority
off the streets.

We'll sleep well tonight.

Let's get a bagel.

[TASER CRACKLING]
[GROANING]

Nighty-night,
you annoying prick!

[CONTINUES GROANING]

[VOMITING]

[RUSSELL] You're a long way
from your superpowers.

Yeah. Just a touch of cancer.

Not to worry, we're old friends.

Fuck!

I wanted to be a superhero.

Always wanted a real super suit.

[SIGHS] What happened?

When was the last time you saw
a plus-sized superhero?

Never.

The industry discriminates.

Fuck superheroes.

The thing that
pisses me off the most

I never stood up
for myself in there.

My whole life.

I've been waiting for someone
to come and save me.

Nobody's gonna sacrifice
anything for me.

I gotta start taking care
of myself.

I have a mission now.

The first thing I wanna do
when I get out of here

burn the headmaster alive,

and then take a selfie
with his smouldering corpse.

Aw. That's, like,
my favourite part of the Bible.

I don't have
a sock puppet on me,

but what did he do to you?

Did he taste the rainbow?

I'd whisper it,
but Skittles would sue us.

Fucker hates mutants.

He tried to beat
the genes out of us.

Nothing worse than a pray
the gay away type guy.

Sick piece of shit.

Tomorrow, we'll find
the biggest guy in here,

and we'll make him our bitch!

[RUMBLING]

[WADE COUGHS]

What was that?
[CLEARS THROAT]

That is the biggest guy in here.

Fun fact about the Ice Box

though no one's ever seen it,

they keep a monster
in the basement.

Right next to a huge,

steaming bowl of foreshadowing.

Look.

I can't protect you. [COUGHS]

With this collar on,

my superpower
is just unbridled cancer.

Give me a bow and arrow,
I'm basically Hawkeye.

Now, if you'll excuse me
[COUGHS]

I've got tumours to grow.
Vanessa awaits.

I'll start by making us a shank.

Good listening.
I stole that guard's pen,

and stashed it
in the old prison wallet,

if you know what I'm saying.

I really hope I don't know
what you're saying.

[RUSSELL EXHALES]

[RUSSELL] I know it's in there,
I just need to get it out.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I can hear you
rummaging around in there.

Do they make Purell
for your ears?

[SIREN WAILING]

[REPORTER] [ON TV]
And to update you

on the story reported earlier,

after a lengthy stand off

outside the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation

two mutants were arrested

and transported
to the Ice Box...

[AUTOMATED VOICE]
Entering repair mode.

[REPORTER] several
police cars were destroyed

and the X-Men were called in
to restore order.

[COUGHS]

[GUARD] [ON PA]
Cells seven and nine

now off-limits
for medical personnel.

Cells seven and nine

now off-limits
for medical personnel.

Psst!

Don't do that.

What? Why are you
winking at me?

[COUGHS]

I got your back.

Oh, my God.

You're sick,
I gotta protect you.

Just leave me alone, kid.
[MAN WHISTLING]

Oh, great.

[WADE COUGHS]

Well, hello there, new fish.

It's nice to see some
fresh faces around here.

[COUGHS] I've done some
light catalogue work,

but, really, modelling is just
a stepping stone to acting.

- I was talking to him.
- Oh.

Have we met?
I can't place your moustache.

- Black Tom Cassidy.
- White Wade Wilson.

What's your superpower?
Cultural appropriation?

You're supposed to be
the toughest cunt in here.

You don't look like much to me.

First rule of the yard,
fuck face

find the biggest guy
and make him your...

[GROANS]
[INMATES EXCLAIM]

Second biggest guy.

The last thing I need
is more hepatitis.

Oh, it's slippery, too.
This table needs a wipe down!

Can we get a wipe down
on the table?

[GROANS]
[INMATES EXCLAIM]

Kid, I think you picked
the wrong side.

No, I didn't!
He's my friend!

Zip it. We're not friends.
[INMATES CHEERING]

You're about to get
dick-slapped.

[INMATES SHOUTING]
[COUGHS]

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

I had so much fun!
You were like... [GRUNTS]

And I was like,
Take a seat, shit dick.

Just let me die in peace.

[GRUNTS]
We make a great team!

Oh, God! We're not a team.
[COUGHING]

Why'd you say that back there?
We're friends, partners.

We're not partners or friends.

This doesn't end with us
riding into the sunset.

It ends with me dying of cancer,

and you winning the Ice Box
award for softest mouth.

[WADE COUGHS]

There's only one person
in this world

that I care about,
and she's gone.

You wanna survive?

Stop trying to shank
the biggest guys in here,

and make friends with them.

Make friends with someone.

Anyone but me.

Maybe even Black Tim.

Black Evan, I don't know.

All I remember is
he was African-American.

[GUARDS GROANING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[ALARM BLARING]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[BEEPING RAPIDLY]

[GUARDS GROANING]

[AUTOMATED VOICE] [ON PA]
System malfunctioning.

Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.

Back in your cells, you filthy
mutants! Get in there!

[AUTOMATED VOICE]
Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.

[BEEPING]
[AUTOMATED VOICE] Searching.

Cell 04 located.

Door won't open!

[GUARD] On your fucking knees!

[ALL GRUNTING]

That was our cell.

What did I do to piss off
a grumpy old fucker

with a Winter Soldier arm?

Get away from me, kid!

[PRISONER GROANS]

[ALL GRUNTING]

Listen to me! Go!

Hello, Russell.

[COCKS GUN]

[GROANS]

[WADE GRUNTS]
[GROANS]

[GROANING]

[GRUNTS]

[GUARDS GROANING]

[GROANING]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

[GASPS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I don't bargain.

[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Who are you?

I'm Batman.

[GASPS]

Ooh!

[GRUNTS]

Oh. That's got some zip.

Don't feel bad.
Even I can't kill me.

Talk!

What kind of
spineless shit stick

tries to kill a 14-year-old boy?

You might wanna start talking!

'Cause I got a long history of
firing at times like this!

The name's Cable.

I'm from the future.
Just walk away.

Oh!

So, you're from the future.

I have three questions then.

One, is dubstep still a thing?

Two, do people still home brew?

And three,
does Dopinder ever find love?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[SHOUTING]
[CHOKING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

Dubstep's for pussies.

You're so dark!

Are you sure you're not
from the DC universe?

I love dubstep!

[DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[WADE] Is that a fanny pack?

I used to have one of those
in 1990-never.

Something to remember you by.

Give me that back!
That goes with me everywhere.

Like the memory
of your fucking fanny pack!

[GROANING]

Why are you protecting the kid?

[LAUGHS]

I don't give a fuck about him,

and his Are You My Mother?
Complex!

What's this one do?

[BEEPING RAPIDLY]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[WADE] In every film,
there's a moment

when the hero hits rock bottom.

In Cool Runnings,
it was when John Candy's

prized bobsled broke.

In Human Centipede,
it was when those people

signed on to be in that movie.

But in this film, well

you're looking at it.

[GUARD]
On your fucking knees, mutant.

[GROANING]

[WADE] Rock

meet bottom.

[INDISTINCT VOICES ECHOING]

[VANESSA]
I love you, Wade Wilson.

Ness?

Hey, Ness!

Ness, can you let me in?

Please! Please.

Jesus.

[SIGHS]

You're not giving me
a lot of direction here.

I'm at the end of my rope.

[TIMER TICKING]

Then I joined the X-Men.

I went to prison. I, uh...

Is it the kid?

Kids give us a chance to be
better than we used to be.

The kid!
[TIMER DINGS]

[GASPING]

[WHEEZING]

That's exactly what she meant.

Your heart needs to be
in the right place.

I'm not gonna abandon this kid.

He's never had anyone, ever.

I need to be selfless.

Yeah, but what does that mean?

It means I'm gonna save Russell.

Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa,

but maybe I can save a robust
teenager from New Zealand.

Yeah, but what I mean is,
like, the world selfless.

I literally don't know
what that means.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, look.
According to my guy, okay

those muties
are being transferred

to a supermax, 80 miles away.

Great, I'll pick 'em off
along the way.

Hold your testicles there,
buddy, okay?

We're talking about
an armoured convoy,

and a vicious super soldier
from the future

that is looking to turn your
skull into a fuckable ashtray.

You know what we need to do?

We need to build a fucking team.

We need 'em tough,
morally flexible,

and young enough
so they can carry

this franchise 10 to 12 years.

A team of
highly-skilled motherfuckers.

I'm talking about some
Ocean's 14 shit. Rogue Two.

John Wick 3, but with
the original director.

[DOPINDER] My body is an
instrument of death.

Not now, Dopinder.

I could be of great use.

What's your superpower?

- Courage.
- That's adorable.

Do you have the courage
to check and see

if there are enough sanitary
napkins in the dispenser?

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry you had to see that,

although I'm glad you heard it.

All right, I'll put out
a call for resumes.

But we're not paying
medical or dental.

It's time to get back
on Linked in.

[EXHALES]

[CHILD SINGING]

[GUARD] [ON PA]
Attention, all inmates!

Transport to Cross Force
Maximum Security

Mutant Containment Facility

will begin at 0800 hours.

Inspection of your cells
and out processing

will begin at 0600.

[BLACK TOM] Oi.

[MUTANT] What the fuck
do you want?

That's my fucking pudding.

Fuck your pudding!
You like pudding?

[GRUNTS]
[PRISONERS CLAMORING]

[ALARM BLARING]

Hello?

I know you're in there.

Must be hard
being the biggest guy in here.

Lonely at the top, eh?

They're moving us tomorrow.

Maybe I can get you out of here.

And we can make
the whole world our bitch.

We need a secret code.

[IMITATES BIRD CALL]

[SOFTLY] No,
that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.

[RHYTHMIC BANGING]

[RHYTHMIC BANGING IN RESPONSE]

We're a team.

We're like thugs,
we're like gangsters.

I'm like Tupac,
and you're like Ice Cube.

[WEASEL] Supposedly,
she can rap, too.

[DEADPOOL] Yeah.

I like that.

Terrific,
these are all terrific.

Meet Bedlam.

Cool name! Superpowers?

I can distort electrical fields.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Including the one
inside your brain

causing anxiety, confusion

pain.

So, basically,
you're Dave Matthews.

We can use him.

I'm Zeitgeist.

Cool. I like it.

So you have the power

to put your finger
on the pulse of society?

[STAMMERS] No.

No, I spit acidic vomit.
[SNIFFS]

- Oh.
- Do you want me

to demonstrate?
[DEADPOOL] No!

[WEASEL] We'll take
your word for it.

Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've
all eaten at Arby's, okay?

And this is the Van is her.

But

Van is her!

[LAUGHS]

- Nice!
- Right?

He's not here, is he?

He may be running late.

My name's Rusty,
but I go by Shatterstar.

BOTH: That's good, yeah.

Rusty is terrible.
Toughie.

- So, uh, where are you from?
- The planet Mojo World.

- So you're an alien, I guess.
- Bad name.

How does that, uh, help us?

I'm basically better
than you at everything.

Just once, I'm gonna find
a planet of people

that are worse than me
at everything.

A whole bunch
of functional idiots.

I'm gonna go there, and I'm
gonna be their Superman.

Isn't that Canada?

You shut your
god damn trash mouth!

[WEASEL] Meet...
Domino.

[DEADPOOL] What's your shtick?
I'm lucky.

That's not a superpower.

- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.

- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.

- Yeah, it is.
- Really isn't.

- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

Told you.

Get out of my head!

I'm not in your head.

I'm in an 11-year-old's bedroom.

Well, if you're so lucky,

then what are you
doing here with us?

I don't know yet.

What's that supposed to mean?

There's a reason why I'm here,
and I'll know when I know.

Everything usually
just kind of works out for me.

Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds.

I don't know who that is.

[DEADPOOL] You're hired.

Lucky me.

[DEADPOOL] I like her!

And last, but not least...

Peter.

Am I getting
catfished here or...?

Any powers you wanna
tell us about?

[PETER] No.

I don't have one.

Um, I just saw the ad.

No superpowers at all?

Uh, I have both
Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.

Ow! Oh!

That's all the diabetes.

Right?
Yeah, you got 'em all.

If you find a Type 3,
let us know.

Yeah.

You're in.

- Yeah.
- Fuck!

It's fulfilling work.

[GUARD] Let's go!

[GUARD] This is Convoy 17
departing the Ice Box.

We are en route.

[CABLE]
Peacetime makes people soft.

I was born into war.

Bred into it.

Okay.

What's the most pain
you've ever felt?

These restraints are pretty...

People think
they understand pain.

They have no concept of it

beyond their own
worst experience.

5 years old. That's what?

A bee sting.

Oh, yeah.

20 years old, shrapnel.

40 years old, disease.

Maybe the kind that leaves you
more machine than man.

Yeah, getting old's
not for sissies.

That's what my
Grandma Ginny used to

I've got a list.

We're gonna work down it.

Together.

Number one,
I'm gonna bend something.

Something that was not
meant to bend.

I'm gonna stop you right there

because I'm not gonna
make it to two.

I won't even make it to one.

I don't do well with pain,
you know.

If I stub my toe,
I'm done for the day.

I cried when they
cancelled Felicity.

When I get really scared,
I get nervous erections.

I have one right now.

Don't look.
It'll only make it worse.

I don't want you to hurt me,

and I'll tell you
anything you wanna know.

Except for where they are.

Russell's in a convoy
heading southbound

on Gerry Duggan Parkway.

The monster's with them.
I wouldn't fuck with him.

[DEADPOOL]
You all know the plan.

Intercept the convoy,

grab the boy.
But not inappropriately!

[WEASEL] You know what,

I wouldn't fuck with
Dead pool either.

Because he's built a team.
He's unstoppable.

He has an ass pen.
He'll stab you with it.

Watch out for this guy, Cable!

He's very short, 5'11.
Not like in the comics.

And if we succeed,
we all go home early.

[WEASEL] So if you go after
them, Cable, I warn you

there's a wind advisory
in effect.

[WIND HOWLING]

[PILOT] [ON PA]
A little turbulent up here.

I don't know much
about this Cable fella,

but I guarantee he hasn't killed

as many people as melanoma has.

We're getting close!

As a former X-Man...

- Trainee.
- Thank you, Bedlam.

I was always appalled
by the blatant sexism

in the group's name.

X-Men! Men!

The point is, our group
will be forward thinking.

Gender neutral.

From now on,
we'll be known as...

X-Force.

Isn't that a little derivative?

I don't recall asking
your opinion, Peter!

That wasn't me.

Hang the laundry out
at 1,300 feet

intercept the convoy,
and grab the boy.

Let's bring on
the carnage, baby!

Get me on the ground,
watch me go!

[ALL] Yeah!

[ALL WHOOPING]
I can't wait to kill!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I just wanna say
how proud I am of this team.

You know, you guys look amazing!

Van is her, I have no doubt
you look amazing too.

This is the family

that I've always dreamed
of having and I...

Ah, shit.

[SNIFFLES]

I just get a little choked up
sometimes.

I hate to interrupt,
but is anybody nervous

about the high winds?

- Gary.
- My name's Peter.

I realize that you're
new to this, but relax.

You've been chosen
by a higher power.

- Did he just call himself God?
- I think he did.

- I'd like to go home.
- And I'd like

the McRib to be available
year round,

but sometimes dreams
don't come true.

I spent 10 years
in Special Forces.

You think we didn't
jump out of the plane

because of a light breeze?

You're in this shit now,
Moustache!

[WHISPERS] I'm only yelling
to impress the other guys.

I'd never let anything
happen to you, Sugar bear.

Leonard, hit it!

[ALARM BLARING]
[THUNDERSTRUCK PLAYING]

Go! Go! Go!

[MAN SINGING]

Let's get some!

Whoo!

Oh, yeah!

Convoy, 12 o'clock!
On my command!

Deploy! Oh, hey now!

Whoa!

Little off course here.

[GROANS]

Holy mommy fucking shit!

Ah, there they are.

Look at these gorgeous
sons of bitches. [BLOWS KISS]

Oh, yeah!
That's right, Bedlam!

[BEDLAM GRUNTS]
[ALL GASP]

[GASPING DRAMATICALLY]

No! Tripping
mother fucking billies!

Shatterstar.
Okay, you got this.

Left!

Left!

You'd have to be insane
to take off in this.

No, stage left, you idiot!

[GASPS]

Well, I guess we found something

you're not better at.

Van is her.

Maybe the wind can't blow
what it can't see.

[GRUNTING]

Oh! Really?

All right,
we could do this with four.

Sugar bear.
You got this, buddy!

That's the stuff!
That's the X-Force spirit!

Never underestimate
a man with a moustache!

Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.

[WHOOPS] We did it!

You're a god damn superhero, you!

X-Force!

X-Force.

[SCREAMING]

[WOOD CHIPPER WHIRRING]

[GASPS]
Oh!

[EXHALES]

Peter.

[PETER] I got you, buddy!

- You're gonna be fine!
- This is not good, man!

- You got this, big guy!
- Here we go, Peter!

Look at me.
We're X-Force, right?

- Yeah, we're X-Force.
- We're X-Force.

Oh, my God!
What the fuck?

Fucking acidic vomit!
[SCREAMS]

[WHIRRING]

Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up
in my mask.

[EXHALES]

[DOMINO] Okay,
I'm over the convoy.

Where did the rest
of the team land?

Good news and bad news.

Bad news is
the whole team is dead.

The good news is,

I don't think anyone's
gonna miss Shatterstar.

He was a bit of a prick.
Oh, but Paul!

[DOMINO] Peter!

Peter, I'm gonna miss him most.

But there is a slight chance

Van is her could make it.

[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
Nope, no chance. He's dead.

[DOMINO]
The whole team?

Only the main ones.
We're still good.

Fuck, you are dumb.

Whoever planned this stunt's

been smoking a lot jazz cabbage.

I'll tell you that much.

That's pretty obvious!

Looking good, Van is her.

They're headed into the tunnel.

I'm that kid's only hope,

so sit tight
and wait for my word.

[DOMINO] Whatever.

We're gonna lose 'em.
I'm dropping in.

[DEADPOOL] Uh, that's
a negative, sole survivor.

Luck is not a superpower!
We are so fucked!

No, we most certainly
are not fucked.

[CARS HORNS HONKING]
[BRAKES SCREECHING]

[DEADPOOL] Seriously,
I don't get it!

What, you shoot luck lasers
out of your eyes?

It's just it's hard to picture.

And certainly
not very cinematic.

I mean, luck?

What coked out,
glass pipe-sucking

freaks how comic book artist

came up
with that little chestnut?

Probably a guy
who can't draw feet!

Once again, it all falls
on my shoulders.

It's why I'm cursed to be
a solo act.

- Wander the Earth...
- I'm in.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I'm in.

How in the fuck
are you in already?

Oh, shit.

It's Cable. 12 o'clock.

[DEADPOOL] Okay.

New plan. Use all of your
imaginary powers

to stop Cable
from killing that kid.

I'm coming up on your six.

That gun is amazing!

[GRUNTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]

[MAN] Hey!
Asshole!

[DOMINO] Where is he?
I can't see him.

[DEADPOOL] He's on top of you.

He's tearing you open!

He's going in through the back!

Oh, God, he's inside!

You hear yourself, right?

[DEADPOOL]
Accidental double entendres!

Russell! Russell Collins!

[DEADPOOL] Hands off that kid,
John Connor!

No, no, no!

Shit!

[PRISONER SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

[BEEPING RAPIDLY]

[DEADPOOL]
Two can play that game!

Got it! No, I don't.

Showtime, mama!

Lady Luck, take the wheel.

[GUN CLICKS]

[GROANS]

[HORNS HONKING]

[DOMINO GRUNTING]

I'd ask who you are, but
you'll be dead in a second.

I'm Domino, and doubtful.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Hang in there, Doms!

Oh, this is really hard.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GUNSHOT]

And give me back
my Skee-Ball token.

- You're doing great.
- X-Force.

I guess dubstep never dies.

[BANGARANG PLAYING]

Whoo!

[LAUGHING]

[BLACK TOM GROANS]

[DEADPOOL GASPS]

You killed Black Tom,
you racist son of a bitch!

[GROWLS]

That's unfortunate.

We got no brakes!

[STRAINING]
Figure it out!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

There's nothing I can't kill.

Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin
used to say...

There's a first time
for everything, son.

Give me your best shot,
One-Eyed Willy.

[PANTING]

Those bullets were, like,
super fast.

Here we go.

Domino, mind slowing us down?

[SIGHS] Here goes nothing.

[HORN HONKING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[HONKING]

[MAN] Knock, knock.

That's my boy.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Holy...

[GRUNTS]

[ONLY TIME PLAYING]

[YELLING]

[DEADPOOL]
I'll be first to admit

this did not go
according to plan.

I'll also be the first
to admit that

that plan was written in crayon.

Looks like Russell found
a new friend. Jelly.

Turns out Domino's
a bit of a badass,

and maybe,
possibly mildly lucky.

But Cable? Ugh.
That guy's in a mood.

[CHUCKLES] A mood that is

about to get
significantly worse.

[SQUEAKS]

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

Something is so terribly,
terribly wrong.

Oh.
[NECK SNAPS]

[GROANS]

Oh, God, that hurt.

Suck it, Mel Gibson.

[GROANING]

Russell.

Russell!

Russ, where are ya?

Russell. Russell, you're okay!

Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God!

Juggernaut!

[GASPS]

I thought that was you!

I should've worn my white pants.

You probably get this a lot,
but I am a huge fan.

UncannyX-Men 183. Thor 411.

X-Men Unlimited 12.

You know, it has always been
a dream of mine

to see my face
reflected in your helmet

as you charge at me
with murderous intent.

I don't mean right now.

I'm gonna rip you in half now.

[LAUGHS] That is such
a Juggernaut thing to say.

[DEADPOOL SCREAMING]

Oh, my God!
I can't feel my legs.

I can't feel...

Oh, no, they're right here.

Got 'em.
God, Russell.

I have a mission.

To get my revenge.

I'm going to burn
that headmaster alive.

You're not the revenge type.

Take it from a friend.

Friend? You were sick,
and I protected you.

You said it yourself.

I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger.

So I did.

[GRUNTS]

Russell, I couldn't
protect you back then.

But I can now. What do you
want me to say, huh?

I care about you?
'Cause god damn it,

I care about you, Russell.

What's Juggernaut got
that I don't have?

Don't you say legs!
I know you're gonna say legs!

- Legs!
- Still hurts to hear out loud!

What is that?
That's not a real rope!

You get back here, young man!
[SIRENS WAILING]

Doms!

Doms, get me
out of here, please.

Use my arms as backpack straps.

I think we may have found

your cosmic reason
for being here.

I'm pretty sure this isn't it.

[DEADPOOL] X-Force.

[BLINDAL]
No child is hopeless.

- Don't give up on the boy.
- How could he just walk away?

It was the coldness in his eyes.

You should've heard it.

[WADE SIGHS]

I guess family
really is an F-word.

[GROANS] Rub my legs, Mama.

Why would I rub your legs?

Please, they hurt.
I have growing pains.

[BLIND AL SIGHS]

What in the...

Why is your hand so tiny again?

That's not my hand.

Oh! Mary,
mother of Joseph!

That was nice for me.
[DOOR OPENS]

Wade! I heard what happened
with the convoy and...

[GASPS]

[WEASEL RETCHES]

Why wouldn't you cover that up?

A warrior has nothing
to be ashamed of.

[WEASEL] Yeah, but you do.
Look at you.

You're just
straight shirt-cocking it,

toddler-style.

Oh, yeah.
Full Winnie the Pooh.

The hell's happening?
Describe it.

I wouldn't ask him to do that,
if I were you.

[WEASEL] - It's like, um...
- Here we go.

It's like he was
giving birth anally,

but they quit halfway through.

They got the legs out,
and they said,

You know what, I'm done.

Happy?

It's like he's a Muppet
from the waist down.

But this time, you can see

the Muppet's dick.
[DOOR OPENS]

Grover's got a cock
the size of a twig.

[DOPINDER] Mr. Weasel, I can
no longer be double-parked.

I've had three tickets
already. [SCREAMS]

No, no, no, DP, not again!

This has happened before?
[DOPINDER RETCHING]

[DOOR OPENS]
Jesus! Either vomit or don't.

The indecision is killing me.

Why couldn't God
take my hearing?

Oh. Wow!

Cool your pits.
They're growing back.

I'm talking about your face.

I've never seen you
without your mask before.

- Jesus Christ!
- Looks like an avocado.

[DOMINO] Your legs, though,
they're cute.

You wanna borrow
a pair of pants?

I'm glad everybody dropped by.

You must be wondering
why I didn't call you here.

I'll tell you why I'm here.

The Time Traveller's Wife's
husband

beat me within
an inch of my life.

He was torturing me!

But all I told him was
everything he wanted to know.

So, I'm here to help us gear up.

So we can go after him
without me.

[WADE] No!

I'm doing this alone.

The Juggernaut

- will kill you all.
- Fair enough.

[WADE] I just need a couple of
hours to get some legs

- under me.
- What will you do?

[WADE] I don't care
what the kid did to me.

I ain't letting Cable
get to him,

even if I have to
teabag him to death.

It's really just a sip of tea
at this point.

Zip it, black Black Widow!
I'm flowing.

The first order of business is

to get me in front of Cable,

so I can pull all the fucking
blood out of his body,

and fashion his bones
into holiday jewellery.

Then, I'm gonna take his skin,

and stretch it out
over a home made mating drum.

He's standing right
behind you, isn't he?

[COCKS GUN]

What in the ass?

Is this apartment listed
on Tinder? Grindr?

You picked the wrong shithole
to fuck, future boy.

Ugh. Is that really necessary?

No. It's his
Basic Instinct.

What can we help you with?

I'm here to proposition you.

[LAUGHS] Oh, boy!

He's really teeing it up,
isn't he?

Who gets to make the first joke?

I think we should all do it
at the same time.

Good call.

For $45, you get sucky-suck.

BOTH: I only do over
the pants, mouth stuff.

Fuck!

The Proposition has a wonderful

Guy Pearce performance.

[WADE] Wait, wait, wait!
I wanna do mine over.

- Give us the line again.
- I need your help!

Trust me, I'm even less happy
about this than you are,

but you unleashed
the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!

I can't bring him down alone.

So here we are.

We're no longer
accepting applications

for X-Force, unfortunately.

Even if we were

there's a wind advisory
in effect until at least...

We don't have a lot of time.

Your friend's about
to make his first kill.

No of fence,
but if you know so much

why not travel back to when
he was a baby, kill him then?

Or better yet, head back
a little further,

kill baby Hitler.

I use a device
to slide through time.

The longer I travel,
the harder it is to control.

I got two charges:
one to get me here,

one to get me home.

Well.

That's just lazy writing.

Your boy's
gonna kill the headmaster

of the orphanage tonight.

After that,
he gets a real taste for it.

Like 10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!

So he keeps killing,

and killing, and killing,

and killing.
[GUNS COCKING]

Until one day, he kills
the wrong fucking people.

My people.

Relax.

I'm retrieving something
from my utility bag.

It's a god damn fanny pack,

and you know it,
you sick son of a bitch!

The difference is night and day.

You remind me of my wife.

I'm sorry.

I said, You remind me
of my wife.

No, I'm sorry that you said that

while making heavy eye contact
and applying lip balm.

[CABLE] She always struggled.

But she was funny,

and filtered her pain
through the prism of humor.

Something I could never master.

It was my fault she died.

It was my job
to stop people like him.

I came close a few times.
[TOMORROW PLAYING]

He wasn't too happy about that.

He was trying to hurt me,

and he knew exactly
how to do it.

[OLDER RUSSELL]
Blessed are the wicked

who are healed by my hand.

[CABLE] He came into my home,

and took the only thing
that made it a home.

Sound familiar?

- I'm sorry.
- Uh-huh.

No, I'm really sorry.

But that isn't Russell.

- It doesn't have to be him.
- If you knew what I knew...

Yeah, he's got anger issues

maybe a small
learning disability

splash of diabetes,

but nothing that can't be fixed.

If you could go back,

and stop the people that took
your girl, would you?

No.

I'd buy them all
a bouquet of hand jobs.

Of course I fucking would!

But I wouldn't kill a kid.

I'm not asking you
to kill a kid!

I'll kill the kid.

I'm asking you to save
hundreds of other kids.

Russell's gonna burn down
that orphanage.

And I can imagine
your dead girlfriend

would want you to do
the right thing, wouldn't she?

So, what's it gonna be,
handsome?

Give me a chance to save him.

- What?
- You said

once he kills someone,
he gets a taste for it.

If we can get to him
before that happens

promise you'll give me a chance

to put him on a different path.

Define chance.

I don't know.
How long does it take

to save someone's soul?
That's not

I'll give you 30 seconds.

- What? No!
- Best I can do.

Take it or leave it.

[CABLE GROANS]
[WEASEL] He's doing it!

Look at the little fella.
He's doing it.

[RETCHES]
There he goes.

[CABLE] Jesus Christ!

[WEASEL] Just shirt-cocking it.

Ugh.

[WEASEL]
There you go, little fella.

Go on, you're doing it!

My beautiful, hairless,
Twizzler-legged baby boy.

[DOMINO] Christ!

That's disturbing.

30 seconds.

- Deal.
- Deal.

[FARTING]

Man, that sucks they didn't
have anything in your size.

I really wanted to match,
you know?

Being a menacing team.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Oh, man, it sucks.

That was some
cold-ass shit, kid.

[DEADPOOL] And that is just
the first five steps

to a prostate-assisted orgasm.

Where the hell are we going?

[DEADPOOL]
You said it yourself.

Nothing can stop the
Juggernaut. We need backup.

I will bathe in the blood
of your enemies.

[BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING
ON RADIO]

Can you turn off the music?

You'll do no such thing.

Why don't you just say it
in an Indian accent?

- I'm sorry?
- Apology accepted.

This is a side of you
I do not like.

Let me guess,

some of your best friends
in the future are Indian.

What the hell are you...?

Once again, intolerance rears
its ugly head.

I am so sorry.
It gets better.

I'm not a fucking racist, moron!

That's precisely
what a racist would say.

I'm with the old white guy
on this one.

And that's a twist.

When this is over

I'm going to fuck you to death
with your own broken feet.

And a sexual predator, too.
That's rich.

I should have finished college.

[DEADPOOL]
So what exactly do you

do in the future, anyway, huh?

Some kind of soldier?

Yeah, something like that.

[DEADPOOL] I was a soldier.
Special Forces.

I bet 50 years from now,
we're bestest buddies.

50 years from now,
you're very dead.

Your entire generation fucked
this planet into a coma.

Boom! [IMITATES EXPLOSION]

Spoiler alert.

[SNICKERS]

[SIGHS] Planets.

Next time, Uber.

Here's a spoiler alert.

You're not a fucking hero.

You're just an annoying clown
dressed up as a sex toy.

[DEADPOOL]
Well, I got news for you.

My heart is in the right place.

Russell's not gonna kill anyone.

Because of me, he's gonna know
what real love looks like.

We're all going to die.

Because of you, I'll always know

what a grown man
with baby balls looks like.

I'm a grower, not a shower.

God, I wish this were a bus

where I could pull
the string and get out.

It's a good thing
Cable's not driving,

or you'd be in the back.

I am in the back.
[DEADPOOL] -Right here!

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

[IN YOUR EYES PLAYING
ON BOOM BOX]

[GROANS]

[DEADPOOL] I made mistakes!

I wanna take them back!

You trusted me.
I took that trust,

and turned it into a glory hole

in an airport bathroom.

The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.

But even you know I'm not
a complete piece of shit.

I was once an X-Man.

Trainee!

[MUSIC STOPS]

You're still using
my Velcro labels. Aw.

They do stick better than tape.

Hi, Wade!

Please don't.

Say whatever it is you're here
to say. Make it quick.

Right. Quick.

It's the kid.
Just like you, I let him down.

And just like me,

he's never had anyone
sacrifice anything for him

because the whole world
wrote him off

as a piece of shit
a long time ago.

Look, he's teamed up
with the Juggernaut!

[GASPS] The Juggernaut!

Who's, like, my favourite
Marvel character ever...

And hi, Yukio! That was really
nice of you to say hi,

so I'm saying hi back.

You guys make
a super cute couple.

Yeah. Where was I?

Oh, yeah. You should never
meet your heroes

because, honestly,
he's a bit of a dick!

And like a lot of dicks,
he's hard as a rock,

and causes nothing but problems!

Look, you can stop the
Juggernaut. I know you can.

Do you know what would happen
to me if I helped you?

I would be disgraced.

You are a criminal, a fugitive.

But worst of all

you broke my heart, Wade.

Then you know what?

Your heart's in
the wrong place, big guy.

Doing the right thing
is sometimes messy,

and fucked up, and not
particularly convenient!

So stay here
in Château de Virgin

while we go get our fuck on!

[DOMINO] You're doing great.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[ENGINE STARTS]

[RUSSELL] So you wear
that helmet because

your brother
tries to read your mind?

[JUGGERNAUT] Yeah, but he's in
a wheelchair, so even-Steven.

[MAN] Someone's coming.
It's Russell, sir.

And he's not alone.

[HEADMASTER]
Secure the children.

They will not replace us.

What do you say
we go fuck some shit up?

Let's fuck some shit up
is my legal middle name.

Watch my back.
I've got the old man.

Amen, brother.

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

Time to make the chimichangas.

30 seconds.

I finally know why I'm here.

I was raised in this place.

Well, not raised.
I was tortured.

Wow! It's your cosmic reason
for being here.

- Shall we?
- This is gonna be fun.

[DEADPOOL] Yeah!

Hey! Been meaning
to ask you

what's with the dirty,
disgusting hobo bear?

It's not dirt. It's the blood
of my dead daughter.

Are You Bear, God?
It's Me, Margaret.

Give me some.

They say laughter heals anything

except, of course, that.

We should just cue the music.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.

Russell!

You don't need to do this!
Let's talk!

Why are you dressed
like the Unabomber?

[YELLING]

That's why!

Told you this little fucker's
too far gone.

Zip it, Thanos!
We have a deal and you fuck...

[GROANS]
[JUGGERNAUT] Hey!

I'm gonna shove that
cab driver right up your ass.

My body and my hands
are so soft.

You should probably
head back to the car.

I think I'll head
back to the car.

It works best
when you pull the trigger.

[GROANS]

That gun is amazing!

[RUSSELL] Say it!

You are an abomination!

[GRUNTS]

Now, I'm gonna shove
the red guy up the old guy.

I believe him!
Every man for themselves!

Gotcha!

[JUGGERNAUT] Beat it, midget!

Hey, big guy,
the sun's getting real low!

Oh, shit fuck!

[SCREAMING]

[JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS]

Come here, beautiful.

Whoo!

[RUSSELL] Say it!

[IN YOUR EYES PLAYING]

[DEADPOOL GROANS]

[MUMBLES]

You came for me.

I'm not giving up on you,

and you are not
giving up on that boy.

Who says that rules
aren't meant to be broken?

It's time to fight dirty.

Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.

Hey! Pick on someone
your own size!

That's such a you thing to say!

Go get him, tiger!

Big CGI fight coming up!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]
[BONE CRACKS]

[SCREAMS]

He's doing great.

[RUSSELL] Say it!

Russell.
[DEADPOOL] Bingo!

[GROANING]

[JUGGERNAUT] You see that bus?

I'm gonna shove it up your ass.

[METAL CLANGS]

[GROANS]

That's right!
I'm fighting dirty!

Oh, great!

[ORDERLY] There they are!
Those freaks!

[DEADPOOL] A bunch of armed
paedophiles in nursing shoes.

Can I have one of those guns?

- No.
- That's fine.

Get off this property,
mutant scum!

I'm just gonna use this brick.

Maximum effort.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Who says you
can't go home again?

[ALL GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]
[CHILDREN] Oh!

[CHILDREN] Yeah!

Say it.

Say what you said
every time you tortured me!

Say it!

Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand!

Blessed are the wicked

who are healed

by my hand.

[YELLS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

You commie motherfucker!

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

[SPITS]

[YELLS]

[GROANS]

[DEADPOOL] Oh, my God.
Did you feel that, too?

Only best buddies
execute paedophiles together.

You got 30 seconds,
you jabbering butt plug!

Now we're getting it.

[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]

I need a bus
to get you all out of here.

[GASPS]

[CAR ALARM WAILING]

Orphans.

Oh, geez.

It's time to burn
for what you've done!

A child should not be burdened
with such power!

[RUSSELL GRUNTS]

Russell! Wait!

[DEADPOOL] Oh!

Wait! He hasn't killed
anyone yet!

What more do you need to see?
Don't you fucking dare!

He's just a kid!

Tick, tock. Meter's running!

[COLOSSUS GROANS]

I'm gonna melt you down
and make a cock ring.

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTS]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[GROANING]

I told you! Leave me alone!
Come on!

Listen to me!

[RUSSELL SCREAMING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[COLOSSUS] [SCOFFS]
That's how we do it

in Mother Russia.

[GROANS]

They say millennials are
the hardest to reach.

[CABLE] Oh, no.
You're doing amazing.

[GROWLS]

Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta!

Go home, Wade!

You're ruining everything!

I'm getting good at this shit.

[DEADPOOL] Go, go, go!

[GRUNTS]

He dies tonight, Wade.

You can't stop me!

[CABLE] He even runs
like a fucking pervert.

Like an online predator
who lost his laptop.

There's one bullet left
in that gun.

Wait, wait, wait!
Please, just give me a second!

I got this.

- Russell!
- Stay back! Go home, Wade!

Let's talk. It doesn't
have to go this way!

That piece of shit

he deserves to die
for what he did to you.

He hurt you badly.
Makes you wanna hurt others.

But if you kill him, he wins.

You become everything
he says you are, but worse.

You're just a kid.

You don't wanna hurt anyone.

How do you know what I want?

Because I've been inside you.

That came out wrong.

I've been inside your shoes.

Which is also off-putting.

It's not a great analogy.

The point is

there are people...

There are people
in this fucking world

besides him,
who will treat you right.

It isn't too late.
Don't do it.

I never should've left
you there.

I never should've left you
in that prison.

I can't trust you.

I can't trust anybody!

[GROANING]

Wonderful kid.

[RUSSELL]
You can't stop me, Wade!

[DEADPOOL GROANS]

I got one more idea.

It's just a really bad one,
even for me.

Wade, what are you doing?

All right. This is for
all the marbles, kid!

You're gonna kill
someone today...

Blessed are the wicked

then it's gotta be me.

Who are healed by my hand!

[MOUTHS] Fuck this!

[TOMORROW PLAYING]

[GIRL SINGING]

[GROANS]

Tell me they got that
in slow motion.

[DEADPOOL COUGHING]

Oh, that's not good.

No, sir.

You sacrificed yourself for me.

Yeah.

And it was the best thing
I ever did.

[COUGHING]

I told you I care about you.

You're a good kid, Russell.

Hey.

The bear.

It worked.

Because of you.

No, Wade, because of you.

Stop, stop, stop!

Stop!

Just let it happen, okay?

I guess my heart was finally
in the right place.

[GROANS] That riddle
is so fucked up.

[GROANS, COUGHS]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Don't be. Don't be.

I've been trying to make
this happen for a while.

Please, just don't leave me.

I don't wanna die
without an audience.

We are not going anywhere.

[WADE] Oh, God, I hope
the Academy is watching.

Just rest, okay?

Papa.

[SINGING]
Papa, can you hear me?

Papa, can you find me
in the night?

Before I go... [COUGHS]

Sorry, I got a bit more in me.

Domino.

I want you to have
my Adventure Time watch.

[WADE COUGHING]

Turns out
that I'm the lucky one.

Thank you.

Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.

I liked you better
with your hair short.

Think everyone did.

- Hi, Yukio.
- Hi, Wade!

[CHUCKLES]

And you...

Chrome Bone.

I haven't always been
the best friend to you.

But you've always been
that to me.

So thank you.

Say fuck for me.

Just once. Come on,

we'll do it together.
It's no big deal.

Here we go. One, two, three.
F... F... F...

Fuck.

Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
[CHUCKLES]

And you, Cable. [COUGHS]

You get back to your family.
You tell 'em Wade says hi.

And promise me.
Promise me one thing.

That you'll start judging people

not by the colour of their skin,

but by the content
of their character.

Jesus. [WADE]
- R-Dog?

There you are. Hey!

You're a superhero now, bubba.

That's why it's high time
that you had a super suit.

This one is yours.

You might wanna
get it steam cleaned.

Especially around the pants.

And let it out
a little in the waist.

But, hey.

Look.

Family is not an F-word.

All right?

There's one out there
for you. [COUGHS]

Just keep looking, okay?

Guys, for a second there

we made a pretty good team.

[SIGHS]

Oh, it's so hard to go.

[WHINES]

I just love being around
you guys so much.

So, so much.

Mmm.

No, I can feel it now.
Here it comes, yeah.

I feel the soul
exiting the husk.

Yeah.

Can you see it?

Do you see
that beautiful bright light?

There it is.

Oh, that's the sun.

Don't stare directly into that.

I just have a few final words.

[EXHALES]

Woodpecker.

Gingivitis.

Codswallop.

Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Sorry I'm late.

There was a bunch

of handicapable children
who were stuck in a tree.

- No.
- No.

- But I did have to help a kid.
- Yeah.

- He's got a terrible name.
- It's just awful.

- Ugh.
- I tried to tell him.

Is this heaven?

It is now.

I am so sorry.

[VANESSA] It's okay.

I missed you so much.

What is it? What's wrong?

It's not time.

What do you mean it's not time?

I'm here, I made it.

- You can't stay.
- No, no, no.

I'm staying. I'm not going
anywhere without you.

It's okay.

There's a time for us.
It's just not now.

- They need you.
- Who?

[VANESSA] Your F-word.

[WADE] Why?

[VANESSA] You'll find out.

It's all right. I'll be here.

It's pretty fucking
awesome up here.

I can have anything I want.

Can every day be
International Women's Day?

It is heaven.

I love you.

I know. I love you, too.

Now, go.

Go on. Go, get out of here.

Go.

Hey!

Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

Well, come here.

Don't fuck Elvis.

- Ooh, too late.
- I'm sorry?

[SCREAMING]

Time to make the chimichangas.

30 seconds.

Hey. Been meaning
to ask you

what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?

It's my daughter's teddy bear.

Her name's Hope.

[DEADPOOL] Well...

What are you doing?

Somebody swiped right.

[FAST-FORWARDING]

[GROANS]

Tell me they got that
in slow motion.

[DEADPOOL GROANS]

[RUSSELL] You sacrificed
yourself for me.

[DEADPOOL] It would seem I...

Huh?

Genuine, high-grade lead.

You time-sliding son of a bitch!

You did this for me?

Wait. You can't go back.

You used the last of your fuel.

What about your girl, your wife?

Now, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.

No, I'm gonna stick around
for a while,

and make sure the world

doesn't shit itself
into oblivion.

No. You did it for me.

No, I didn't.

- You did.
- I really didn't.

- Pretty sure you did.
- No, I'm positive I didn't.

Fine. All right,
let's flip a coin. Okay?

Heads, you did it for me.
Tails, you did it for me.

I'm not even gonna look,
because you did it for me.

Say it again.

He did it for me.
[CABLE] -Jesus.

- We must get the collar off.
- Forget it. It's no use.

These collars
don't just come off.

Wade.

I have an idea.

No, no, no!
Let's not do that. Please!

I'd rather die of cancer.
Let's just...

Oh, God! They do say the pen
is grosser than the sword.

[COLLAR BUZZING]
[RUSSELL] We need the code.

Try, uh, seven?

[DEADPOOL] Settle down,
Captain Lucky.

It's not gonna be one number.

Oh, God, that's lazy writing.

I still got it.

[DEADPOOL GROANS]

Put that back
in your prison wallet.

I don't know how to thank you.

But I do know how to hug you.

- No.
- Yes.

Here we go. Bring it in.

Come on.

Pelvis to pelvis.

Let's go tip to tip.

There we go.
The kids call this docking.

[KNIFE UNSHEATHES]

Is there a knife in my dick?

- There's a knife in your dick.
- I'm just gonna back up now.

- Yeah, yeah.
- No need to go full Yentl.

Gonna pretend
like that never happened.

Let's go home, Russell.

All you dirty mutants

are gonna rot in hell
with the boy!

Your souls
are beyond redemption!

Let's see your soul, perv!

No, no! No! No more!
We're better than that!

We're better than him!

No more senseless violence!
No more bloodshed!

We'll let karma
take care of him.

The day of reckoning is here!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CRASHING]

I'm gonna miss him.
He seemed great.

Whoo!

Courage, motherfuckers!

And karma, motherfucker.

[DEADPOOL] I could hear you
coming the last 30 seconds.

I could barely keep
a straight face. [LAUGHS]

I want some more.

I bet you do, Brown Panther.

We should leave
before Fuckernaut wakes up.

Good call.
You guys coming with us?

No, we'll get the kids
back to the mansion.

Besides, we're X-Men.

No, you're X-People.

You're exhausting.

I see what you did there.
Puns.

Our door's always open.

That's kind, but
I'm not ready to date again.

Let alone two women.

God, you're a douche.

- Bye, Wade!
- Bye, Yukio!

[WE BELONG PLAYING]

[DEADPOOL] What do you get

when you take
eight feet of chrome

one pinch of courage

a cup of good luck

a dab of racism

a splash of diabetes,

and a wheelbarrow
full of stage four cancer?

Answer: a family.

See? I didn't lie
what kind of film this was.

If there's anything
you take away today

other than the need to Google,
What the fuck is dubstep?

It's that we all need
to belong to someone.

How something so small generates

enough energy
to reverse time is...

Oh, just fix it, Eleven,

or I'll take it
to the Genius Bar.

Cable's gonna kill you
when he finds out.

Never heard of him.

Why do you think
I'm helping him?

The Lord works
in mysterious ways,

don't I? A good day.

Bye, Wade!

Bye, Yukio!

That was probably a bad idea.

What have we done?

[IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME
PLAYING]

I hope we sharpened
the cream cheese spreader.

[BOTH PANTING]
[GASPS]

I'll be right back!

We're definitely naming
our kid Cher!

Whoo!

[DEADPOOL] Peter!

Whoo! X-Force!

Walk away! Just walk away!

- But we're X-Force!
- Nope! We're not.

X-Force is just a marketing tool

designed by Fox executives

to keep Josh Brolin employed.

It doesn't exist.

All right, well,
this has been pretty scary!

And I need to feed my cat!

Go home, Sugar bear. Go home.

Okay. Will you give
Domino my email?

Wade, is that you?

I guess Stryker finally

figured out how to shut you up.

[GUNSHOT]

Hey! It's me!
Don't scratch!

Just cleaning up the timelines!

Look, eventually you're
going to hang up the claws,

and it's gonna make
a lot of people very sad.

Huh?

But one day, your old pal
Wade's gonna ask you

to get back in the saddle again.

And when he does, say yes.

Oh, right.
[GUNSHOTS]

[WHISPERS] Love you!

God damn, that's beautiful.

[GUNSHOT]

You're welcome, Canada.

Boy howdy.

Hi. This is a toughie.
[BABY CRYING]

Yeesh.

Oh, yes. You're already
practising your salute, huh?

Yes, you are. Well, we'll
take care of that, won't we?

Jesus Christ! This is
so much harder than I thought.

Oh, I'm going to hell.

That makes two of us.

You can do this.
[CLICKS TONGUE]

This is crazy. This is crazy.
This is crazy. This is crazy.

All right.

[SIGHS]

Maximum effort.

[IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME
CONTINUES PLAYING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHOIR SINGING]

That's okay.
Let me see here.

Oh, God.

That's why you're
such a little bastard.

No one's ever changed you.

Yeah, you got a big, old
stinky in there, don't you?

God, it smells like
Hitler's anus

which would makes sense,
wouldn't it? Yeah.

I think we both know

I don't have
what it takes to do this,

so I'm just gonna change
your diaper real quick,

and then I'm gonna come back
with my friend, Cable.

He loves killing kids.