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It is considered useful

and enlightening and therapeutic

to think about death
for a few minutes a day.

What actually happens
to my physical remains

is of zero interest to me.

I don't want anybody seeing
my body, I don't want anybody...

I don't want a party.

"Reported dead."

Unless it could provide
entertainment value to...

I mean, in a perverse
or subversive way, you know.

I mean, if you could throw me
into a wood chipper and punt...

You know, spray me into harrods,

you know, at, uh,

you know,
middle of the rush hour,

that would be pretty epic.

I wouldn't mind being
remembered in that way.

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six ♪

♪ roadrunner, roadrunner ♪

♪ going faster miles an hour ♪

♪ gonna drive past
the stop & shop ♪

♪ with the radio on ♪

♪ I'm in love
with Massachusetts ♪

♪ and the neon
when it's cold outside ♪

♪ and the highway
when it's late at night ♪

♪ got the radio on ♪

♪ I'm like the roadrunner... ♪

What the fuck am I doing here?

I shall explain.

One minute I was standing
next to a deep fryer,

and the next, I was watching
the sun set over the Sahara.

♪ I'm in love with
modern moonlight... ♪

I realized that one thing
led directly to the other.

Had I not taken
a dead-end dishwashing job,

I would not have become a cook.

Had I not become a cook, I
would never have become a chef.

Had I not become a chef,
I never would've been able

to fuck up so spectacularly.

Had I not known what
it was like to really fuck up,

that obnoxious but wildly
successful memoir I wrote

wouldn't have been
half as interesting.

♪ And I say roadrunner once,
roadrunner twice ♪

♪ I'm in love with
rock and roll ♪

♪ and I'll be out all night ♪

♪ roadrunner, that's right... ♪

And I'm not gonna tell you here
how to live your life.

I'm just saying, I guess,
that I got very lucky.

♪ Radio on ♪

- ♪ I got the am ♪
- ♪ radio on ♪

♪ got the car, got the am ♪

♪ radio on ♪

♪ got the am sound ♪

- ♪ got the ♪
- ♪ radio on ♪

♪ got the rockin'
modern neon sound ♪

♪ radio on ♪

♪ I got the car
from Massachusetts ♪

- ♪ got the ♪
- ♪ radio on ♪

♪ I got the power
of Massachusetts ♪

♪ when it's late at night ♪

♪ right ♪

♪ bye-bye. ♪

You're probably gonna
find out about it anyway,

so here's a little
preemptive truth telling.

There's no happy ending.

He committed
suicide, the fucking asshole.

How are you gonna make this?

Is it... is this gonna... I mean...

Of course what you want
to talk about,

that's kind of where the gossip
goes, that's kind of...

But it's not really
what you want to make.

No, I want to make a film about

why he was... who he was.

You know.

I don't know.
That's why I'm here.

Do you know what I mean?

That's why I'm here.

Hi. This is Tony at les halles,
411 park Avenue south,

for delivery Monday please.

I need one Spanish onion,
one loose carrot,

two shallot unpeeled,

one case frozen fava bean
and one case miel de provence.

That'll do it. Thank you.

Where is my fucking fish?

I would never be late.

My cooks would never be late.

How can the fish guy be late?

It's why all chefs are drunks.

It's because we don't understand

why the world doesn't work
like our kitchens.

- Oh, hold on.
- If you guys are hun...

It's just baba ghanoush. It's...

I mean, it's not
a very nice display,

- I know Tony.
- Cool.

Thanks, baby.

- What would you like?
- Um...

- Apple juice.
- Apple juice? Apple juice?

Or cranberry. I don't care.
Whatever we have more of.

Happiness is a fresh pack.

First thing in the morning.

I mean, before I brush my teeth.

I mean, I roll out of bed,
light a cigarette,

stumble into this room,
and, uh, I start,

uh, I start writing immediately.

I always use language
to get out of trouble.

You know,
I found at an early age,

if I made everybody
in the class laugh,

that was power.

I came from a household
with a lot of books.

In fact, the first book
I remember reading was

a book called
why Johnny can't read,

which I stole from my mother.

She was anticipating
that I would have

a difficulty reading
because I was already exhibiting

antisocial tendencies.

Uh, I pinched the book and,
uh, basically taught myself

to read, uh, by kindergarten.

And then, you know,
my early heroes

were, uh, musicians
and-and writers.

The idea that you could
have adventures,

no matter how antisocial,
and then make them

somehow legitimate by writing
something beautiful about them,

that concept took
an early hold on me.

I wasn't serious enough
about anything

to actually do any writing
until '93.

But, you know, when I was given
the opportunity, I did it,

and, you know, kept doing it.

The whole business
fills me with terror, frankly.

Hey.

How are you doing, man?

- You guys know each other by now.
- Yes.

Let me see if Rocco's over.

What was it about Tony
with big knives?

They were never sharp enough.

You know, he's...
He'd just always...

When he came over
for Thanksgiving, uh,

I was gonna carve the Turkey,
and then he took over.

He was very short with me about

how I wasn't taking care
of my knives.

- Hey.
- Tony saw you when you were just born.

Remember that?

My relationship with Tony

has always been as a writer.

He was such a powerful writer
right from the start.

He was on business in Tokyo
for the first time.

And he was writing me
a series of emails.

He was back in his room,
and he-he did

one of those bursts.

"The jet lag
wouldn't let me sleep,

"so I crashed late
and Rose early,

"plunging blindly down
dark streets at all hours.

"The streets were unbelievably
dense with pedestrians,

"people hanging around,
flashing neon,

"flapping banners,
more screaming signs,

"pimpy-looking young men in
suits and patent leather shoes

"surrounded by
dye-blonde Asian women

"in thigh-high boots
and micro-mini skirts.

"No one, and I mean no one,
would meet my eye

"with a direct gaze.

"I was the quiet American,
the ugly American,

"the hungry ghost,
searching and searching

for whatever came next."

I loved it. I loved it,

and my wife Karen,
who was a book publisher,

was in the living room
breastfeeding the baby.

I printed out the email

and I went,
"Karen, you have to read this."

Am I allowed to curse?

Does anybody curse
when they talk about this?

I read it and I just went,
"that is fucking awesome."

I was like, "okay",

I'm gonna make him an offer

"basically he can't
fucking refuse."

He came back
and then we sat down.

I said, "so Joel tells me,

you know,
you have a lot of stories."

And he goes,
"I have so many stories.

I'm so excited to tell them."

He said, "I already have
a title for it."

I said, "what's the title?"

And he said,
"kitchen confidential."

And I said,
"I love it. Let's do it."

What do you think
about Tony bourdain anyway?

Yeah, what do you
think about that guy?

He's cool. Huh?

It was like,
"will you write this book?"

"Yes."

"Can you write it
in eight months?"

"You're damn right I will."

You know, you should talk

to Tony's agent,

Kim Witherspoon.

I don't think
Tony was afraid of failure,

and that was hard-wired.

He was the kind of person
who thought,

"well, you know, what the fuck?

Let's just try it
and see how it turns out."

Anthony bourdain,
who has worked as a chef

for 28 years, reveals
some surprising and disturbing

trade secrets in a new book
called kitchen confidential.

Chef Anthony says the truth

about bread in a restaurant,

how you should prepare
your meat when you order it,

and also the truth about fish

could make you sick.

I was in a cranky mood
after my last restaurant closed

and, uh, felt no reason
not to tell the truth about

a business I both love and,
uh, have mixed emotions about.

Kitchen confidential is a memoir

of Tony's life in the kitchen
and the salty adventures

that he had with his cooks.

It was kind of lawless.

You know, a lot was broken,
as Tony used to say.

Mr. Bourdain is the
executive chef at les halles.

He found success

and a full-blown heroin habit
at an early age.

I had a dope problem,
a cocaine problem,

but by '88, I pretty much
cleaned up my act.

The dietary supplement
that every chef needs.

I take around ten
of these a day.

It's an aspirin/tylenol mix.

Call 'em crunchies.

Let me take you
on a notional joyride

through our menu tonight.

We have grilled salmon
with sorrel sauce.

Veal kidneys.

These kidneys are
really good, by the way.

Those of you into water sports
will find much to love.

From the first time
I met him, I remember thinking,

"oh, wow, you're, like, tall
and handsome and funny.

"But you're kind of a big nerd.

"You're nerding out
on everything,

and you're a little awkward,"

and I love that about him.

"At les halles,
life goes on as always,

"the same crew showing up
on time every day.

"Eddy,

"Carlos and Omar,
isidoro and angel.

"They're still with me,
and I hope they stay with me.

"My bosses, however,
when they read this,

"will really prove themselves
patrons of the arts

if they don't can me
right away."

So you didn't fire him?

I didn't fire him.

I didn't know it
was being written.

I didn't know
it was going to be published.

Uh, one day, I arrived
at the restaurant,

and I just said,
"what happened?"

You're fucking kidding me.

I was told today that on, I
guess, the 12th of this month,

it'll be number seven
on the times best seller list.

'Cause it was on 20,
wasn't it? And then, uh...

I mean, I'm getting
congratulatory calls,

and they're telling me
I have a best seller.

Uh, really, it's scary.

No, it's exciting.
It's wonderful.

Yeah, I just...

Anything that happens
beyond that door

I'm suspicious of.

He was always
behind in the rent,

always behind his,
you know, payments

and-and-and living
from paycheck to paycheck,

like in a pressure cooker.

So when there was this
opportunity, he-he was ready.

"By the time I was 43,

"I really thought that I had
had all my great adventures,

"that the entertainment
and excitement segment

of the program was long over."

- What's up?
- Thank you.

That was cool.

"I was comfortably ensconced

"in secure digs with a wife
who still remarkably

found me to be amusing
on occasion."

What? What are you doing?
You're giving interviews?

What are you... you media hoe.

"I had a job I loved in

"a successful restaurant, and
I was alive, for Christ's sakes.

I was still around."

I don't cook at home.

I-I just... I'm too, uh...
I would love to tell you,

you know, I go home and-and cook

fabulous, uh, little snackies
for-for my wife.

I would be lying if I told you that.

It's more like,
"honey, call out for Chinese."

"There are, it turns out,
a million ways

"to say 'suck my dick.'

"and like
all great performances,

"it's about timing,
tone and delivery,

kind of like cooking."

Thanks.

You know, all the TV chefs are

so cuddly and adorable,
you know.

Maybe I'm the... sort of like
the antidote or something.

You know? I don't know.

For me, it happened overnight.

I mean, one minute,
I was a cook at a restaurant,

and not a particularly
great one, and the next,

I was an author,
and it was literally overnight.

It fell in my lap.

Joining me now
is Anthony bourdain,

author of kitchen confidential.

Anthony bourdain...

Chef Anthony bourdain...

Here's Anthony bourdain.

What-what do you think
about these guys

- like emeril lagasse and those guys on the food network?
- Wow.

Y-You're asking me to, you know,

kick Santa claus in the crotch
on television.

I mean...

My life gets
more and more ridiculous.

Apparently, Brad Pitt will be
playing me in a movie.

Yeah, guess what's,
uh, tomorrow.

- What's tomorrow?
- Oprah.

No! You're kidding me!

This is Anthony bourdain.

His book kitchen confidential

is a New York times best seller.

I was born to cook.

I loved satisfying
people's appetites.

Next, I'll be, uh, doing
the lambada with emeril.

Bam! Just a little...

I'd hate myself.

Thanks.

Oh! Whoa!

- Ah.
- Tony bourdain rocks!

What's up, man? Everything good?

- Life is good.
- Yes, yes.

We're celebrating Tony's book.

- Come here, girl. Get in here.
- Hi.

- How you doing?
- Good.

- This is Tony.
- Hi.

- Howdy.
- Oh, congratulations.

We're having a good time.

Oh, oh, the next one?

No, the next one,
I'm doing something called

a cook's tour.

Basically, I'm gonna
travel around the world,

eating exotic food and having
adventures in the far east

and Africa and South America...

With a crew chasing me.

Hey, John, come here.

You know, my 15 minutes of

quote, unquote "fame,"
uh, you know, when that's over,

uh, I will be perfectly
comfortable with that,

if not relieved.

I think even relieved
at this point.

When I met him
for the first time,

he had made a splash with
kitchen confidential.

I had read
that he had a contract

to write a second book
called a cook's tour,

and I called him.

- Yes?
- And I said,

- "hey, I'm a producer."
- Doing good.

"Would you ever even consider

making cook's tour
into a series?"

And he, you know,
he was like, you know,

"yeah, uh, whatever."

- You know? "Sure."
- Sure.

He was very nonplussed
about the whole idea

of doing anything in television.

It was not what was on his mind.

Bye-bye.

A week and a half later,

Chris Collins and I

went up to les halles.

We found Tony,

shot a demo with him

and had a conversation with him.

And it became immediately clear
he had never traveled.

Lydia and I were
far greater world travelers

than Tony bourdain.

His travels were in his head.

You know, I want
to go to faraway exotic places

with palm trees and
where teenagers in army uniforms

carry machine guns.

Growing up as a kid, you know,
I watched the crimson pirate.

You know,
all pirates and bad guys

having great adventures.

Tony's view of the world

emanated from books
and from films.

Almost in an encyclopedic way,

he could grab
all these references.

And I think he was excited

to go on this journey

to see if the reality

actually matched
the imagination.

That moment when we set out

in December of 2000,
it's indelible.

Our first journey
was, um, for six weeks.

And remember,
we'd only spent one...

One day with Tony
leading up to that moment.

The image of Tony,
I mean, it was, I think,

a guy who, at that moment,
was very unsure

of what was about to happen.

This way.

You know, I'm looking at

a strange and, uh,
unpredictable future

in a tough business with rules

that I'm not
com-completely familiar with,

and when I become familiar
with them, I...

You know, I don't know
whether I like them that much.

We hit the road together,

just the three of us.

Lydia and I
had just gotten married.

And then we had Tony,
a guy who we barely knew.

So it was like three idiots

trying to figure each other out.

The first shoot was Japan.

Like, we didn't know
what we were doing.

He definitely didn't know
what he was doing.

And Tony immediately became
uncomfortable and awkward.

What we would find out
very quickly is.

Tony was actually
a very shy human being.

And to get him to make
eye contact or to interact,

it wasn't his natural state.

You know, life
on the road with Tony bourdain

just isn't
all it's cracked up to be.

You know what I mean?

The man can be a royal pain
in the ass sometimes.

In fact, I got this cold sore
on my lip now,

and it's due to stress,

stress over Tony's
lack of communication.

That, compounded by the fact

that we were in Japan
being sort of led into scenes

where there was a lot of,
kind of, formality involved,

you know, all of those
factored into him being

quiet,

which was like
the worst possible thing.

Mmm. Oh, wow.

Spectacular.

I mean, Chris and I went

back to the hotel and basically

looked at each other
and said like...

We're fucked.

Chris, can...
Chris, take a picture of

me and Lydia as we come back
with the sun behind her,

pointing up the mountain
towards the farmhouse

as we walk up past
the yellow triangular sign.

Thank you.

Okay. Here we go.

Okay.

I mean, to be honest,
I'm not totally alone,

'cause clearly somebody is
shooting this.

I always love those,
like, desert scenes,

"I'm alone in the desert."

Yeah, but who else's footprints
are those?

You know, one of those things.
But-but look.

This is pretty cool.

And it does feel pretty cool
to be walking...

Well, I'll tell you this:
I'm having a lot more fun

walking forward than
the cameraperson is

walking backwards, I'm sure.

Was that a groan?

Yes, it was.

We went from Japan to Vietnam.

That's when things started
to kick in to a different gear.

My good friend
Phillipe lajaunie,

uh, pulled in, uh,
semi-unexpectedly last night.

We're ready for, uh,
ready for our adventure?

I joined them

on that first trip in Vietnam,
and he was enjoying himself

and being less cynical.

Hey.

Floating Starbucks over here.

I'll have a double latte,
uh, mochaccino please.

Oh, that's great.

Kicks the shit out of Starbucks.

"I love Vietnam.

"Maybe it's a pheromonic thing,
like when you meet

"the love of your life
for the first time.

"She just, somehow,

"inexplicably smells
and feels right.

"You sense that, given the
opportunity, this is the woman

you want to spend
the rest of your life with."

We had common desire

to spend time in Vietnam,
maybe forever.

That was our secret bond.

And of course, the movie
apocalypse now

was one of his top

three movies in his life,

uh, because it combined
so many things:

Vietnam and the war and-and the
book, the heart of darkness.

We just started doing

all of this
self-indulgent film references,

and I suddenly realized,
"wait a minute.

This-this filmmaking thing
can be fun."

♪ Ah! ♪

You know, it's a big crayon box.

We can actually enjoy this.

Why am I here? Am I insane?

You know, he used to say,

"don't ever let me do TV.

Thing is like, if I ever do TV,
shoot me."

And, you know,
at first, it was awful.

Where do cooks come from?

The answer to this
and other questions to follow.

And then very quickly...

He's such a good student,
he's so freaking smart...

He, like, figured it out.

Chris, Lydia, I love you.

You know that, right?

But I got one night
in Bangkok here, okay?

So not even 24 hours
we're laying over here.

You want to do a whole
goddamn show in 24 hours?

Fine. Okay?

But... forget about
blocking out.

No plan and you better be fast.

I'm gonna have a good time.
We're gonna roll.

And if you don't get it,
you don't get it.

Catch it in editing,
as we like to say.

What started to grow

at that moment
was this understanding,

"Tony, you don't need
to tell us everything.

"You need to experience this
and ask questions.

"That's how we're all
gonna learn from this place.

"It's not
you being a travel guide.

It's you being open
to this experience."

Oh, Jesus.

Look at this.

Look at this thing.

Look at the roe
just popping out everywhere.

Just in... whoa! Whoa.

Come back. Come to papa.

If there is any dish

that comes closest
to perfection,

this is it, you know.

This is bumping up right up
against the walls of heaven.

Ah, man.

We've reached the mountaintop.

And trying to think, you know,

"what do I want?"

It would be nice
to buy something

that will fulfill
some hollow part of my soul,

but I can't think of,
you know, anything.

Maybe a car will do it.
I-I don't know.

I mean, shit, my rent is paid.

That alone is spectacular.

I mean, i-i...

I'd like to live
like a normal person.

That was always my thought,
that-that if I get

enough money, I'll be able
to live like a normal person.

But I don't even know
what that is anymore.

I read kitchen confidential
at that time,

and I call him.

And I invite him
to have lunch with me

because I want to meet the man.

And he shows up
with a-a TV crew.

I thought this was a jackpot.

This was one of my idols.

I was just absolutely
freaked out.

Incredibly sophisticated,
refined,

clean, beautiful,

impeccably presented.

Eric's food is like

the craft
performed at its highest level.

When I meet him,

I don't expect him...

To be so articulate.

And he has amazing

good manners at the table.

And I think
at the end of the meal,

we said we should meet again.

And, um, and we did.

Served with foie gras
mousse and notes of...

I think
what was not a struggle...

I don't know if "struggle"
is the right word,

but the challenge
was to be real,

stay real, and at the same time,

be the host of a TV show.

You have to

exaggerate a little bit.

This is like
driving a Rolls-Royce naked

in mink underpants.

Just so over-the-top luxurious.

I think the person

that people experienced
on camera was

someone who seemingly had
this incredible ability

to engage with
anybody he came across.

It's like
the UN-muscled James Bond

who could kind of swan
into scenes.

There was that persona
that was created over time.

I am looking for

extremes of emotion
and experience.

I'll try anything.
I'll risk everything.

I have nothing to lose.

The story was a cook's tour

was about a guy
who smoke and drank

and ate his way
around the world.

That was true.

Part of the pitch was,

"and he's gonna eat
really weird shit, too."

Let's-let's do the nasty.

They don't seem to have
their mise en place together.

I have my mise en place together

when I'm making steak frites.

It seems to me, you know,
when you're making live cobra,

you know, you should have
your operating stuff laid out.

You know, where's the
cutting board, the knife?

Scissors?

You know, eating

those kind of things was
for camera, was for network,

was for all the reasons
people do that.

It's like, you know,

it's a little salacious,

like he's eating
a live, beating cobra heart.

Cheers, folks.

Feels strong.

It kind of pumps
on its way down, too.

And I think that persona

followed him for a number
of years, but over time,

that burned off
and it became Tony.

Going back
to the ancestral homeland,

and maybe we'll discover
some things along the way.

So this is my father
and a little friend in France

in a little oyster village
in the gironde.

This is one of
my favorite pictures, also.

Uh, my brother and I
in the same spot.

We didn't do a lot of travel

when we were kids 'cause
my parents were not rich.

We did go to France
a couple of times

because my dad
had relatives there.

I'm nervous.

Whoever thought
we'd do something this goofy?

This isn't goofy.

Our childhood as American kids,

we really got into tintin books,

which Americans say "tin-tin."

This was a graphic novel
about this young reporter

who travels all around the world

and ends up with all of these
amazing adventures.

I think it was actually,
in some ways,

an inspiration for Tony's life.

This is an oyster boat

similar to the one
on which I had my first oyster.

"I blame my first oyster

"for everything I did after:
My thrill-seeking,

all my hideous screwups
in pursuit of pleasure."

"I was miserable and angry."

Damn! We didn't get
those when we were kids.

- No, no.
- He-he!

"I bridled bitterly at

"the smothering chokehold of
love and normalcy in my house.

"Call it a character flaw,
of which drugs

were simply a manifestation."

- Outstanding, corporal!
- Most excellent.

"A petulant 'fuck you'

"to my bourgeois parents,
who'd committed

the unpardonable sin
of loving me."

- I'm really glad we got a chance to do this.
- Me, too.

We're older and more mature now.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah, let's do another one.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

All right, um, take two.

"Two years ago, frequent flyer
miles meant nothing to me.

Today, miles earned are the
pathetic milestones of my..."

- Top?
- Yeah, start at the top.

All right, take three.

We would write the voice-over

in the beginning.

Like, we need context
for what we're seeing.

We need

some summary of the scene.

"Later, I'm on another swing
through Southeast Asia

"with layovers here and there.

"First stop, Singapore.

A quick business dinner with
my editor, ilangoh t..."

"Tanalaban"? "Tanadab..."
"Tana..." Is it... no.

- Thanabalan.
- Thanabalan. Okay.

"Later, I'm on a..."

Tony would
come to the narration,

and he'd be like,
"what is the shit?"

You know what I mean? And so...

He would start
scratching things out.

And, you know, first it started
with a word or two here

or a sentence or two here.

You know,
and then he became, like,

maniacal about it.

"Book tours, the TV show,
I travel for a living.

"I've committed to memory
the skymall magazine.

"The electronic
watering timer, $49.99.

"Duty-free restrictions:

One liter alcohol,
two cartons of smokes."

"Cobbler for dessert?
I don't think so.

"Airport to airport,
city to city,

"I'm starting to feel like
a modern-day Willy loman.

"Time zone to time zone,
country to country,

this, it appears, is my life."

He really understood, like,

"this is an extension of me.

"This is an extension
of my writing.

"I better write in my voice.

"You know, otherwise this is
gonna sound... I'm gonna sound

like a tr-travel television host
rather than a writer."

"Making TV was becoming

"creatively satisfying.

"I wrote the book
and yet continued filming.

"The tail now wagged the dog."

"I was hooked on travel,
on seeing the world,"

"and on the terms
I was seeing it."

"I was on the road for
the better part of two years,

"during which time
everything in my life changed.

"I stopped working as a chef,
a job whose daily routines

"have always been the only thing

"that stood between me
and chaos.

My first marriage
began to fall apart."

They were together
almost 30 years.

You know, he was

a traditional romantic.

He believed that you could

meet your high school sweetheart

and spend the rest
of your life with them.

They were like, you know,

sid and Nancy.

They were like two people
conspiring against the world.

It was a love born out
of youth and rebellion.

Great.

Nancy, I hope
your divorce lawyer

is paying close attention
to this footage.

Feel free to depose anyone
on this crew at any time.

This, too, of course, is part
of life's glorious mosaic.

Nancy had no interest in fame

or being tied to fame,
but it just

was like a rebirth for Tony.

It was like he died
and-and was reborn.

I mean, this was a new person
with a new life.

"I wrote a crime novel

"around that time in which
the characters' yearnings

"for a white-picket-fence
kind of a life reflect my own

"far more truthfully than any
nonfiction I've ever written.

"Shortly after that,
I cruelly burned down

my previous life
in its entirety."

That dying glow
in the background is, uh,

I think the fuel depot
from the airport...

There we are
on the balcony in my room,

nervously emptying out
the minibar, uh,

watching jet fuel
cook off at the airport.

We had gone there
to shoot a show

for the travel channel
about how Beirut was

this renaissance of thought,
feeling and energy,

and we shot two scenes,

and then shit went south
really fast.

There was
a border incident with Israel.

Hezbollah had kidnapped
some Israeli soldiers,

and basically, uh,
we got caught up in a war.

Hold on. Let me, uh...

Todd, exactly how disgusted
and anxious are you?

We're damn lucky to be here.

We're spending all
this time at the pool,

watching helicopters
come in and out.

It was just
a waiting game for us.

We had to go in the basement

because there was
a lot of bombs by us.

They knocked down our house.

You know, look at us
in those scenes.

You know,
we're sitting around the pool,

getting tan,

you know, watching a war.

If there's a single metaphor
in this entire experience,

that...

You know, that's probably it.

Not a flattering one.

When they arrived back,

the first thing he said was,

"we cannot make a show
out of this.

I refuse to exploit
this experience in that way."

Needless to say,
the network saw it differently.

There's just no neat sum-up
to the story.

He stopped doing the...

Rosy sum-up of what we just saw.

He just stopped.

In the few years
since I've started

to travel this world,
I'd found myself changing.

I'd begun to believe
that the dinner table was

the great leveler.

Now I'm not so sure.

Maybe the world's
not like that at all.

Maybe in the real world,
the one without cameras

and happy food and travel shows,

everybody, the good
and the bad together,

are all crushed
under the same terrible wheel.

I hope...

I really hope
I'm wrong about that.

That ambiguity,

that's what he embraced.

Fucking open-endedness
is where the answers are.

It was
an embittering experience.

It got all of us
thinking about, you know,

what's important in life.

Oh, it's recording.

Oh, my god.

You look like an idiot.

Come on, say something,
Mr. Anthony bourdain.

This is, uh, our vacation video,

and we're gonna show this
to our children.

Welcome to my video.

Welcome to my first
independent film.

My spring vacation.

Ow, ow, ow!

Come on, I'm driving.

How do you say that in English?

Is this a bad thing?

Tony was single,

and ottavia worked for me.

Tony called me and he-he said,
"who is this girl, ottavia?"

And I said, "well, have fun."

You know,
don't take it seriously."

Eric thought, you know,

we were the perfect match
for those

occasional,
you know, rendezvous.

You drive like grandma.

What do you mean?
Does grandma drive like this?

Oh, here, look, no hands.

Oh, yeah.

I thought he was gonna be this

bad boy, a little bit arrogant,

and not what I was expecting
but endearing nonetheless.

Perfetto.

But you know
what the show's about?

- No.
- It's about a,

about a existential crossroads
in my life.

You look bored already.

I am.

You saw
they were pretty smitten.

I mean, he always has

really appreciated
very strong women.

She would cut him no slack.

This is a load of.

What are the chances
this scene is gonna end up

- on the cutting room floor?
- Zero.

Even if we fight.

Now, that would be
good television, see?

We should fight.

A couple of months later,

we are in a restaurant,
and she's toasting him

at the table,
and I see tears in his eyes.

Real tears.

And we're like,
"oh, my god, he's in love."

Okay, let's do
some romantic thing.

What, like... no.

Get that...

Tony was like the teenagers,

like, falling in love
for the first time.

They changed their clothes
and the music

that they're listening to, and
pieces of him that you thought

you knew were... shifting.

Were you shocked
when Tony had a kid?

I was shocked.

I had asked him

how come he didn't have kids,
and he's like...

"It's just not something
I ever see myself doing, ever."

For most of my life,

I wouldn't have been
a good father.

Too self-involved,
too messed-up on drugs.

And also afraid.

The thought of being
frightened for a child,

you know, I was not
up to that kind of fear.

Any doubts I might have had
kind of dissipated

when I realized how happy,
how happy, excited he was

that he was gonna
become a father.

- No phone.
- No phone?

Okay. Okay. That's okay.

- That's okay?
- That's okay.

- Yeah? It's okay, dada?
- Come on. Come on.

- Okay, a little hug?
- Come on.

Come on, now. Okay, okay.

- Okay, okay.
- Okay.

Come on. Come on, appa.

- Appa.
- Appa? What about your appa?

One, two, three.

♪ You know we're talking ♪

- Come on, come on.
- ♪ 'bout the doctor. ♪

But what does
the doctor look like?

Well, hello. I'm Dr. Tony.

What seems to be
the problem here?

I'm here to help you
get all better.

- Hooray!
- Yeah!

We should help all people
when they need help.

Hey, that reminds me,
I have to get back.

Bye.

This is my life.

I wake up.

I walk my daughter

to her summer camp.

You know, I have a few minutes
of normal family life,

then I, like, take
the elevator downstairs,

and there's yet another...

Yo, Anthony!
How you doing, boss?

Hey, what's up, man?

Are you on the job?

Yo, this guy's got
the best show on TV.

Tony got really famous.

Like, every two minutes,
it seemed,

someone's going up to him.

"Hey."

You know, "Tony, I'm a huge fan."

"Can I take a photo?

"Can you talk to me?

What are, what-what are
some travel tips? Would I..."

It-it was just incessant,
nonstop barrage.

He got a kid and he wanted
to be a good husband to ottavia,

and... everything changed, man.

For him.

I'm food bad boy Tony bourdain.

There's nowhere I won't go
and nothing I won't eat,

as long as I'm paid in emeralds
and my hotel room has

a bidet that shoots
warm champagne.

Ladies and
gentlemen, Anthony bourdain.

And that's when I was like,

"Tony, like, what the fuck, man?

"Like, how do you
maintain your cool

and your composure
and you're nice?"

I'll never forget this.
He's like, "listen.

"Me being nice to someone
and being gracious to them,

"if that's my job,
it certainly beats

being middling line cook
at a struggling restaurant."

Do you have anything
resembling a normal life?

No.

I'm asking this 'cause
the answer for me is no.

I want to say no, 'cause
I just visited my friends.

I haven't seen them
in many years.

- Right.
- And I felt I just...

I couldn't relate.

- I mean, it's like...
- I know, I know.

And I-I understand those,
but-but, but... yeah.

I'm a freak.

- They only...
- Fucking hell. Jesus.

Oh, is this so interesting?

What are we waiting for?

Is there...

We're always at the ready.

I'm about to give birth
to a big fucking alien baby

at any moment.

It's-it's gonna be huge.

All right,
why don't we take five, then.

- Take five.
- Holy crap. Jesus.

And you're...

How many days of
straight shooting you have?

Don't ask me that.

The international
narco trafficker

Tom vitale was arrested
in Amsterdam just recently.

On examination
at the local precinct,

they found he'd swallowed

a record-breaking
90 bolitas of cocaine.

What made it into the shows was,

as far as I was concerned,
the least interesting...

Parts of the trip.

Welcome to another episode
of 24-hour fuck-over.

He was a control freak
in a lot of ways.

You couldn't win
an argument with him.

Just because there was an idea,
he would challenge it.

Do you have any lines for me?

Maybe you can feed me something.

Rome at dusk. There's really
no place like it, is there?

Uh, romance is in the air.

- Who says that?
- We're here for two days.

When?
When at any point in my life

have I ever said that?

Occasionally you feel inspired
and you say something

really nice
that makes me tear up.

Not today, I guess.

Well, I would say his barometer

for bullshit in general
was extremely sensitive.

But if he felt
we were bullshitting,

I mean, that's like kind of
the ultimate sin, right?

You're gonna walk down
along the canal...

You'd have to sort of

lead from behind with him.

What kind of
fascist regime is this?

Because when Tony
wanted to leave,

Tony would leave.

I mean, stopping him
had to be physical.

Like putting my body in between
him and the escape route.

Keep him away from me.

No, no, no.

Yeah, I've had enough, man.

Too, too fucked-up.

Well, my day's ruined.

- Really?
- No.

- All right. Goodbye.
- I'm gonna burst into tears.

Yeah, that's pretty good, huh?

In the beginning, it was just.

Chris and Lydia
shooting with him.

They did that for several years

and then brought in
a whole team of people,

many of them
who stuck around to the end.

This is for you.

Oh!

- You might need this later.
- Oh, I will.

It was pretty much

the most formative years
of my life.

There will be blood.

There were these battling

sort of teams on the show.

- Hi, Diane.
- Diane.

Hey! Hey!

Zach introduced
a little something

called the-the lens change.

I think Tony liked me

for a couple reasons.

One was that, you know,
I enjoyed fucking with Tony.

You know? I mean, it was...

Uh, we all sort of fucked
with him in our own ways.

You know,
it was very competitive,

and so the bar got pushed

every single episode.

Tony was in on everything.

Every show was something
that was important.

Every show had his care in it.

Every show potentially
had his wrath.

I mean, how many emails I got,

"tell editor to UN-fuck itself."

And I had to translate that
to the editor.

He would say that
the greatest sin is mediocrity.

"Aspiring to mediocrity.

"There is a grim, inevitable

"and all too predictable
trajectory

"to the passage of
a good episode of television.

"People aren't as stupid
as your minions clearly believe.

"They don't need the truth

"pounded home
with meaningless platitudes

"or bland, generic sum-ups.

They'll get it."

And it goes on
for several pages.

"Don't empower
these squirrel-balled nerds

"by letting them get their way.

"They will then nibble
this show to death

"like hungry ducks.

As always, best wishes
and respect, Tony."

And this was written to somebody

he truly liked and respected.

It bothered him
if everyone liked the show.

He was like, "it should
create conversation."

How old is he?

D-Does he even
remember the planes?

He was a child.

He doesn't remember.

Doesn't remember.
All these years...

He was a shockingly
countercultural voice.

I mean, so many of the countries
I worked in with him

were still dealing with
the fallout

from whatever america had done.

For him, it's losing everything,

uh, because he's the...

The head of the family,
feeding the family.

Um, so after losing

his arms and his legs,

uh, it's-it's a great disaster
for his life.

Uh, he wants to know if you are afraid

of seeing the-the reality.

Ah. Afraid?

Um, uh, no.

It-it hurts, but I think
that's appropriate.

You know, it should.
I think Americans...

Every American should see
the results of war.

I think it's, uh...

the least I can do is to-to
see the world with open eyes.

You'll notice that, in general,

I'm not myself.

Where's the snark, the attitude?

Well, what do you say to this?

I honestly don't know.

People are not statistics.

Surely there's value in-in
showing the little things.

How's business for her?
Uh, can you ask her?

Not re...
Not really good this time.

- Not good?
- No.

I mean, the country's situation,

people don't have
any income, any money,

so they can't
buy food in the street.

So you can imagine that.

That, see...
That why you see a lot of

guys here begging, you know.

"Can you buy me some food?
Can you give me something?"

The biggest issue

that we dealt with
was trying to be,

you know, the fly on the wall
and-and going into a place

and not having an effect.

Like, this episode is a prime
example of just trying to help,

and it rearing its ugly head.

We have all this leftover food.

Tony's like, "let's just
give it to the people here."

You know, they're hungry,
and of course mayhem ensued.

Larger kids were just, like,
throwing younger kids

out of the line,
and it was a very ugly scenario.

I think Tony ultimately saw that

it wasn't just food.

There's suffering in this world,

and that seems to be
omnipresent.

How do you spend time
with people

and-and-and you empathize
with their plight...

How does that not
change you fundamentally?

Whee. Whee.

You going to outer space?

Yes.

Going higher.

He was traveling
250 days a year,

and, you know,
when you come back home,

you have to be a husband,
you have to be a father.

With the little time he had,

he was very attentive.

Sandcastles on the beach,
all day long.

I think it was a surprise

and shock for him,
that late in life,

to experience that kind of love.

Can I use this hand?

That's okay. Use that hand.

We'll pull that out and use
that hand for the crumbs.

It's okay.

It moved him to his core.

And I think
he was constantly aware

of, like, not wanting
to screw it up.

Are you really in this country
right now, or is this a mirage?

I-I am my stunt double.

Couldn't you get
someone better-looking?

Yeah. Oh!

Fans of the show think he had

the greatest job in the world,
but it was one that

there was no way
to ever escape from.

Couldn't really go home
for a day and not be

Anthony bourdain.

What kind are you making?

Cookie. What's the best kind?

I don't know. Uh, are you
observing child labor laws?

His daughter
used to do this joke

where she would get up and say,
"I'm Anthony bourdain."

Hi. My name's Anthony bourdain.

"You may know me
from such TV shows as..."

Maybe you know me
from such shows as, uh...

She knew that her father

and Anthony bourdain
were very separate entities.

You're picking that nose

pretty hard there, young lady.

Oh! God!

"I'm through being cool.

"Or, more accurately,
I'm through

"entertaining the notion
that anybody could even

"consider the possibility
of coolness emanating from

or residing anywhere near me."

Everybody kick to the camera.

Hi-yah!

"The essence of cool, after all,

"is not giving a fuck.

And let's face it, I most
definitely give a fuck now."

You know, my whole life,

I was like a kid with my nose
pressed against the glass,

like, wondering, you know,
"what must it be like to, like,

"have a kid and, you know,
a normal family

"and-and stand in the backyard
with this silly apron,

you know, barbecuing burgers?"

- And so when I find...
- Can I get a picture of that?

When I find myself

doing that, I am, like,
ridiculously, stupid happy.

Like, I do a lot of
pretty cool shit now.

I travel all over the world,
I see all these amazing things,

but I'm never happier than when
I'm standing in-in the backyard

being, like, TV dad, because...

I-I feel normal.

You know?
Whatever the hell that means.

Yeah, what does that mean?

I live a very strange life.

I try to make up for it
when I go home

by cooking aggressively.

Like, I try to kill people
around me with food.

You know, like,
"eat, eat, you know.

Why aren't you eating?
Don't you love me?"

He straddled the world of

being the domestic guy,

but that pull for
the experience outside...

You know, like as if
it was gonna slip away

if he wasn't there...
Was equally as great.

He was always rushing.

He was rushing everywhere.

He was rushing
to get into the scene.

He was rushing to get
out of the scene.

Rushing to get
out of the country.

Rushing to go somewhere next,
even if he had nowhere to go.

♪ Making time... ♪

Traveling the earth alone

is what I'm accustomed to
being on a tour.

And as fathers,
we bonded over that feeling

and feeling like,

"I'm here to give
a piece of myself away."

And, um, as the years go on,
that can be difficult.

♪ Everybody leaving... ♪

- Close.
- The wind. That was the wind.

Right. We got to, we got to,
you know, factor that in.

There we go.

And we just hit it off.

What do you call
an eternal optimist?

An accordion player
with a beeper.

It's hard to make friends.

To be at the tip of the spear,

it's like asking for loneliness.

Oh!

Oh, yeah.

That motherfucker
bled out already.

Straight to the jugular.

♪ Closing your eyes ♪

♪ making more excuses ♪

♪ pulling the wool... ♪

- Yeah.
- Can you make it three?

- Well, cheers to that.
- Cheers.

I always think of, "yo, ho, ho,
a pirate's life for me."

That's-that's what I think.

I mean, that's...

But you've been,
you've been touring for...?

Since I was 18, yeah.

You know?

You know, but it's weird.

I-I'm home for... i'm
ridiculously happy for a week,

and then I start getting,
like, crazy,

like I should be
doing something.

I call it the bittersweet curse.

Nothing feels better
than going home.

And nothing feels better
than leaving home.

- Yeah, you got a point.
- You know?

I loved watching him
pick up influence

as he went along through life.

He's a great
American storyteller,

and he started off as a voyeur.

He's watching these
and detailing these great tales

of what you're seeing.

And then, all of a sudden,
he's starting to live

those stories that he's telling.

He's starting to look inside.

"I think I said earlier"

"that I was gonna
tell you the truth."

"This is part of it."

"I was unqualified for the job.

"I was in deep waters
and fast-flowing ones at that.

The currents could change
at any time without warning."

"Like a lot of travelers,
I started to turn inward

"from the view out the window,

"started to see
what was going on out there

through an ever-narrowing lens."

It is written
that I should be loyal

to the nightmare of my choice.

I think I now understand
what that means.

You want to be my pilot?

Yeah.

I don't see what the problem is.

Weather looks fine to me.

I'm sure we'll be fine.

Wow. Nice.

Security situation good,
weather not so good.

Are you frightened, by the way?

Yeah, look at him. Look at him.
He's scared shitless.

I don't like flying.

I think that the Congo was,

without question,

the most dangerous place
we ever made the show.

It was something
that couldn't be done.

That was a big part of it, and
we're always gonna figure out

a way to do something
that couldn't be done.

Everyone gets
everything he wants.

I wanted to see the Congo.

And for my sins, they let me.

This is a place
I read about as a boy.

In heart of darkness,
Conrad described it as

a twisting snake with its head
in the Atlantic ocean

and its tail buried deep
in Africa's heart.

Congo was a fulfillment

of an enormous dream.

In our little fantasy,
we were having

our apocalypse now moment.

We've rented a trusty vessel,

and I shall dub thee
the captain Willard.

Tony was finding ways

to push himself towards his not
just understanding of the world

but understanding of himself.

Are you an assassin?

I'm a soldier.

It's like, which character is he

in that film?

They say my methods are unsound.

Are my methods unsound?

Do you think
my methods are unsound?

I haven't seen
any method at all, colonel.

In Congo, he got to be someone

who has pushed himself into
the lunacy of a world

without law,

without order,
without structure.

He got to stand there

with a three-foot machete

and direct the assassination
of chickens.

When you get
really deep into travel,

I think there's an itch
that you want to scratch

that is out on the edge
of that envelope,

where chaos rules.

Because it strips away all of
the functional artifice of

how we go through our life,

and it leaves you with
just the sensory experience.

Anthony bourdain,

the renowned chef
and best-selling author,

has a new program,
parts unknown,

and it showcases bourdain's gift

for finding the essence
of a country or a culture.

Is it about the journalism,

or is it about the tourism?

Is it about the people?
Is it about the food?

It's a strange combination of

food, politics

and a decisively personal
point of view.

His reports from Israel,
the Palestinian Territories,

Mexico and Lyon, France,
were simply superb.

He's traveled roughly

662,000 miles...

Around the globe

26 times.

Uh, you know, I actually
went to tangier

because you had gone there.

And you've had
a big impact on me.

Tony was very aware

of his own ability to promote
other people's voices.

But I do think that,

even though we moved to CNN,

he won a peabody
and several emmys,

he began to question who was
benefiting from these shows.

Okay, so we're just gonna
set up a shot with the TV.

Me laying on the bed,
watching CNN.

- Okay.
- Libya news.

This is CNN.

It is Friday, January the 25th.

I'm kristie lu stout. This is...

I'm not a news fan.

I'm not a journalist.

I'm not an advocate.
I'm not an educator.

I'm not looking
to inspire or, uh...

I don't have a political agenda.

If anything, I like very much
going to a place

thinking one thing
and being completely wrong

about all of it.

He was a journalist
and he was political,

but he was a storyteller.

And he didn't realize, I think,

how political he was.

We tend to see places

in the middle east and Africa
in particular...

We only see them
when bad things happen.

If you just follow the news,
you'll be reminded about

kidnappings in Algeria,
unrest in Tunisia,

terrorist cells to the south,
deadly riots in Egypt,

and of course islamic extremist
attacks in Benghazi

that killed the U.S. ambassador.

All those things
are very real concerns.

But if you only look
at what's on the news,

you can miss maybe
what's a bigger picture.

You can literally see it

as he goes and travels
more and more and more.

It was almost never
about food, you know?

I think it was about Tony

learning how to be
a better person.

You know, I try
to emulate Christ

in small ways every day.

You do?

Yeah.

Can't you tell?

And I mean that in a,

in a completely
non-disrespectful way.

No, no, I can imagine.

I mean, you're trying.

You are inspiring
so many people with the show.

You have a good Karma.

Can't believe you say that.

- Yeah.
- Good Karma?

I think so.

Well...

- Doesn't this concern you...
- This is a good Karma.

As a Buddhist?

- Look we're sitting here in provence.
- Yeah.

- So?
- Wait a minute.

- We just had this fantastic meal.
- Yeah.

We're moving on
to the 2011 after the 2010.

Life, admittedly for you,
has been pretty sweet.

Yeah.

- Isn't that worrying to you?
- No.

We're sitting in provence.
It's like a wine label.

The next life cannot possibly
be better than this.

It's probably gonna suck.

Enjoy every minute
of this now, Eric.

And pray.

Pray, pray that this is it,

because if you're right
and there is a next life,

we are fucked, my friend.

I may come back
as a sea cucumber,

but you're coming back
as, like, a yorkie.

Or, you know, if you're lucky.

I'll take the yorkie.

At the end of the day,
Tony's dark as fuck, man.

Give you an example.

Like, everyone asked
Tony's fucking favorite music,

and he would always give
the same bullshit answers,

like, uh, uh, "96 mysterios"
or that fucking song.

- He loved that song.
- "96 tears."

"96 tears."

And he loved, um, "super fly"

and, um, and Curtis Mayfield's
soundtrack.

There's no downers
in the fucking bunch.

This was what Tony told me
was his favorite song.

He loved this fucking song.

It's a great song.

But it's heroin music.

In the early '70s,

this is where I lived.

You know, back then,
if you brought us heroin,

we would've said, "ah, cool.

I'll totally... I would like
to try some of that."

It wasn't like I fell into it
or accidentally got addicted

or, you know,
"oh, really, it's addicting?

Gee, how'd that happen?"
No, I knew.

He never really dealt with

the insecurity
and all the issues

that put him
down that road to begin with.

You know, it's a lot easier

when you talk to choe
about this,

'cause, like,
that motherfucker is so dark.

♪ Flying over my head... ♪

People forget
Anthony bourdain was a junkie.

Like, he's a drug addict,

and I'm also a junkie.

I don't do drugs, but
I do everything else.

Overeaters anonymous,
debtors anonymous,

gamblers anonymous,
sex addicts anonymous,

sex and love addicts anonymous.

Uh, I-I go to all the meetings.

I'll tell you something

really shameful about myself.

The first time I shot up,

I looked at myself
in the mirror with a big grin.

You know,
something was missing in me.

Some part of me
wanted to be a dope fiend.

My whole life was
leading up to that point.

In my mind,

it was my first step
towards being an artist.

Do you think a-a certain level
of dissatisfaction

or unhappiness
is an integral part

of the creative process?

I think
even great art can be created

when you're happy, but I think
the best art in the universe

is created through
intense suffering.

So then, do you put yourself
in a situation

where you're constantly in pain?

And the answer
to that question is yes.

That's just about
everybody I know.

I don't know
what this says about me.

I think it was one of

the first conversations
I ever had with him.

"I was like," hey, I know
I'm just meeting you,

"but I-I don't know
one heroin addict

"that has quit
cold Turkey besides you.

Tell me how you did it."

I got through, but,
you know, my case, it was like

I looked in a mirror and I...

I saw somebody worth saving, um,

or that I wanted to at least
try real hard and save.

Um...

You know, nobody...

Nobody saved me.

And he goes, "you just work."

When he told me that,
I bought into it

when I first met him.

And then
as I got to know him more,

I realized it jumped.

The addiction jumped.

When he threw himself
into something,

he threw himself completely.

Jujitsu was a good one

because he got super healthy.

He looked great.
He stopped smoking.

He felt energized.

He felt powerful.

Oh.

Abort.

I started at 58.

My wife is
a fairly high-level competitor

and, uh, trains every...

Higher level than you are?

W-way, way beyond

- where I'll ever be.
- Yeah.

Ottavia wanted to be able

to kill anyone
who came at their daughter.

So that's where
the initial jujitsu interest

in that family came from,
and it was a good thing for Tony

to be obsessed with for a while.

There is this aspect
of problem-solving

under pressure that it was
really appealing to him.

Step over!

But anyone who gets into jujitsu

becomes, like, impossible
to be around.

I know because...
From experience.

At a certain point, you're like,

"dude, come on, stop talking
about fucking jujitsu."

I don't know anything
about jujitsu.

Like, I can't have
this conversation,

and yet I'm on like hour 150
talking to you about jujitsu.

I mean, his attention and focus

was so strong,
but there was always a timeline.

I don't think there was
anything that would have

lasted forever in his world.

No person, place,
thing, interest.

I have to show you first.

Can-can I show you once? Okay.

Then you skip one
and you go down.

Then you skip one
and you go down.

Then you come back up and...

It always seemed like
what he wanted was,

you know, this, uh, idyllic
picture of, like, you know,

a family and ordinary life.

- No.
- Come on, you were doing it...

But then when he got it,

I don't know if it was...

I don't know.

Yeah.

After a while, maybe
that wasn't enough anymore.

You devoted your book to family.

Yep.

The joys of being normal.

And now you've-you've split.

- Yep.
- So I just, like...

Are you rethinking about
being normal

- or where's your...
- Well, I mean, what is normal?

I think, you know, what does
the American family look like?

I mean, I travel
250 days a year.

You know, how normal
could I ever hope to be?

Tony and I had been pretty much

living separate
under the same roof for...

For quite some time.

You know,
even if we didn't work out

as a married couple, you know,

we're still really good friends
and our focus was ariane.

That romantic love
kind of dissipated

after he started
traveling so intensely,

and then we couldn't follow him.

It flowers once
every five years.

That's all.

I'll be back
before it flowers again.

Cross my heart.

He was devastated.

He was losing his home base.

And it left him
incredibly vulnerable.

I think Tony did blame himself.

And I think
it also left him wondering

whether or not he was lovable.

Is it worse
to be some place awful

when you're by yourself
or some place really nice

that you can't share
with anyone?

I mean,
I have an email that he sent me

that-that haunts me

that was just straight-up...

You know, out of the blue.

"David, this is
a crazy thing to ask..."

"...but I'm curious

and my life
is sort of shit now."

"You are successful
and I am successful.

"And I'm wondering:

Are you happy?"

I know how hard
that must've been for him

to even write that email.

To-to reach out to someone
and be like,

"hey, man, I'm not doing well."

The era of his life with

his child and ottavia...

I think it was sort of an
interruption of his trajectory.

Did he change course
in the last two years?

No, he got back on track,

which was not
the greatest track.

Hi, Tony. How are you?

I'm all right. Here?

Outstanding. Good.

That's awesome.

I even brought a note...

I took notes.

I was thinking of all my...

All of my ailments and problems.

I haven't done this since

I was, um...

Uh, I was a teenager.

My parents caught me with drugs,

and as part of the deal,
I saw a therapist briefly.

And what did you feel about it?

It's-it's exhausting.

I mean, I do tend to have

a sort of a manic personality.

Everything is going
really, really great

or it's not going great.

It can happen at any time.
It's a random thing.

One minute, I'm okay,
everything's going all right,

and then suddenly it's...
One little thing

just sort of sets me off,
and then I find myself,

uh, you know,
increasingly, uh, thinking...

I do, I do, I do,
I think about, like,

momentary fantasies of harming
other people or myself.

Like I want to kill somebody
or choke them

or break their arms.

Uh, I think about that a lot.

I'd like to be happier.

I'd like to be able
to be calmer.

I'd like to be able to relax.

I'd like to be able to,
you know, look out the window

and say, "yay, life is good."

- And you don't?
- No.

Never?

Uh, maybe a few seconds
here and there.

There is a line

during your life of loneliness

or-or feeling like
"I want to kill somebody."

I think that maybe
you should start thinking,

"do you really want
to change anything?"

Do you really want to-to change

the way you feel?

I suspect it's too late.

♪ I can settle down ♪

♪ and be doing just fine ♪

♪ till I hear an old train... ♪

I love this car.

I'm having car envy.

We were both, like,

constantly talking about
that movie vanishing point.

He liked fast cars, as well.

I love fast cars.

And then we became pen
pals really for years

and, um, talked
about everything.

His whole entire personality

was that of a searcher.

I just know that he was
definitely searching

for something, and-and...

♪ But you gotta understand ♪

it was kind of agony for him.

♪ When the lord made me ♪

♪ he made a ramblin' man... ♪

It's this relentless instinct

to fuck up a good thing.

I think it's something
that people on TV,

people who write,
people who cook, share.

This difficulty in giving love
and receiving love...

They just don't quite know
how to do it.

A lot of people loved him a lot.

I don't know if he believed it.

So, what do you think?

I mean, in a metaphysical way,

- when you look back on your life...
- Yeah.

For me, I always feel

this little unease,
like, you know...

You feel you haven't
suffered enough yet

- or you haven't done enough...
- How the fuck did this happen?

- Or yeah.
- You know?

- How-how'd this happen, you know?
- No.

No, I know.

I'm still curious.

You seem like a curious person.

- It's my only virtue.
- You're... there you go.

All right.

Curious is a good thing to be.

Given your life...

What thrills you?

What just thrills the shit
out of you now?

Uh, this is very embarrassing,
but... it's really embar...

Being loved
and actually appreciating

the people that are
giving that to me.

Whenever you guys are ready,

- the cameras are rolling.
- All right.

We're ready to go.

All right, you're up?

So, uh, where are we?

But don't mention
the name of the place.

- I mean, turning the napkin over...
- No. Why?

Well, we don't... you don't want
to blow this place up.

I don't give a shit.

I mean, you've been
eating here for how long?

Since I was a,
since I was a kid.

So you would come in here
and see nothing but Americans?

Nothing but?

- Nothing but?
- Well, yeah.

- I mean, just an army of...
- Well, yes,

so nobody busts my balls.

Okay, then. We are at the...

So, giving up on that.

Okay. There we go.

H-How many generations
of filmmakers in your family?

Mm, a lot.

Cheers.

When Tony met Asia, he's like,

"she's the best.
Oh, my god, she's so great."

You know, and, like,
when you were in high school

and you got laid for
the first time or something.

You know,
I'm happiest when life is

kind of like a film.

So, y-you're happy
in the illusion.

- 'Cause film is an illusion.
- Yes.

Yeah, I am.

No, me, too. I-I understand you.

He seemed really happy with her.

You know, I was like, well,

he found someone
he wants to be with.

You know, I'm happy for him.

He told me
that she was very insecure

about their relationship,
so he just asked me

to stop posting pictures of us
on social media.

And-and I think
he really thought

he was doing the right thing

to make sure that the person
he loved felt secure.

Is that a normal urge?

- For humans?
- I want to be normal?

I want to be
like everybody else?

I kind of wanted to be
like everybody else

when I was a kid,
at least for a while.

I-I didn't understand
why I couldn't be.

I think people are happier

when they feel like
they belong somewhere.

- I just, i-i...
- That's why I'm never happy

because I feel I never belong.

I knew who she was,

but he never would use her name.

He would say "crazy Italian
actress" in all the emails.

All I know is that
he wrote to me a few times

and said that it was
gonna end very, very badly,

and that was way back.

Um, he knew it.

Oh!

I bring you to the best places.

Fuck michelin.

Michelin?

His last relationship,

I guess when you look at it,
it's not that surprising.

In many ways,
it feels elliptical

from the-the very beginning.

Now, some of you might ask,

"how is this food-related?"
Fuck if I know.

I guess if I crushed
my skull on a rock,

parts of me will become
part of the food chain.

It was one that had,

at its center, um, extremes.

It's as if he can't feel
in the mid-zone.

You know, life is about

finding a cliff
worth jumping off.

I felt he was like,

"I'm gonna look for something
feral and wild."

Perhaps that is
something to do with age

and all of a sudden
finding yourself alone.

This is called, um...

- Are you guys up?
- Why are you filming me?

This is called

"our wolf lady of
the wolf flowers."

Ah, that's great.

You know, I have
a-a John lurie over my bed.

I saw. No, you posted it.

That was nice
that you posted that.

No, I love it.
It makes me very, very happy.

- Does it?
- Yes, it does.

So he had a dark sense of humor.

He wasn't Edgar Allan poe.
You know what I mean? He...

There was
a lot of light around him.

There really was.

Bring another one.

No. I mean, especially, like,
I'm away and I come back

- and I walk into my room...
- There it is, yeah, yeah.

I-It feels...
The room vibrates at a frequency

that makes me comfortable
and-and happy.

That's cool.

Thank you.
Eggs, the perfect food.

- Thank you, sir.
- Eat that.

We were supposed to have lunch.

And I said,
"I want to go somewhere quiet

where nobody knows us."

And he just sort of stopped
in his tracks and said,

"I'm becoming agoraphobic."

And then I saw
the pain in his face.

Maybe he needed some time away
from it all to reflect a minute

and then start again
kind of thing, you know?

I don't...

It seemed like he was about
to go on to something else.

His life started
to feel smaller and smaller.

He couldn't go as many places.

He couldn't be
out in public as much.

I could see him whittle away.

So, places like
the empty quarter

of the arabian desert started
to really resonate for him.

To just sit on the edge of

the largest sand desert in the
world and stare out into it...

feeling like it's something

that's bigger than him
and not about him.

He often talked about how,

in an ideal world,
he wouldn't be in the show.

Uh, it would be
his point of view,

like a camera
moving through space,

without having
to see him at all.

"Travel isn't always pretty."

"You go away. You learn."

"You get scarred, marked,
changed in the process."

"It even breaks your heart."

He was very stressed

and very weary
and very exhausted.

He did talk about quitting.

It happened like
a couple of years ago.

He asked to see
Chris and I at a bar.

It was very dramatic.

He was like, "I can't live
my life like this anymore."

"I'm done. I'm done with this.
I'm done with you people.

"Every band comes to an end.

It's time for us to break up
and go our separate ways."

"You know,
I've broken one family.

"I'm in this other relationship
that I care very deeply about

and I want to make it work."

And Lydia looked
at Tony and said,

"then go do it.

"Go do it.

"Don't sit here
and talk about it and whine.

"Get up and go. Leave.

"Move to Italy, set up.

We will support you.
We will be your friend. Go."

"Like, if you're done with this,

it's okay."

I don't know. Maybe he was
expecting us to, like,

grab him and say like,
"no, don't go.

It's not over. What can we do?"

He couldn't move.

It's really kind of sad.

It's like,

"then sit the fuck down and
let's talk this thing through."

And we said, "we'll figure out
a way to make this thing work,

you know, so it's good for you."

Okay. Here we go.

"Hong Kong.

To fall in love with Asia..."

Oof, Asia.

"To fall in love with Asia
is one thing.

"To fall in love in Asia
is another.

"Both have happened to me.

"It's a gift, a dream, a curse,

"the best thing,
the happiest thing,

"yet also the loneliest thing
in the world.

"I've been to Hong Kong
many times before,

but not like this."

If I die before
I'm 40 years old,

that shoot probably had
something to do with it.

At the last second,

the director gets sick.

I had my gallbladder removed.

Michael's gallbladder,
I swear to god.

So, obviously I can't go,
and then Tony immediately,

like, sees an in.

He gets them to all agree
that Asia should direct this.

W-Well, like, okay.

In-in man... in some ways,
on this side,

this is giving him some kind
of, like, intense resurgence

of, like, creative energy.

And so we-we ran with that.

- Asia?
- I think...

Back in one sec.

We're getting too much
good stuff...

I know, but...

in too short a period of time.

Let's mo... let's move
and-and move. Yeah.

And w-we're getting too much.

It's like, I mean,

at this point, it's like,
to everybody, I'm thinking,

"stop saying
so much great stuff."

- Oh, my god.
- So happy.

Food's ready.

Asia, the food's ready.

It seemed like
so many years of us

shaping and creating this thing,
all of a sudden,

was thrown out the window,

and it was just, you know,
anything goes.

So what is your...

what is your hope?

What do you hope will happen
to change your situation?

To-to be honest, um,
I'm not big fan of hope.

Um, hope is...

Hold on one second.

Let me reset.

In the middle
of this heartfelt scene

with these two asylum seekers,
we're stopping...

I hold my hand
or h-hold the thought?

And telling them to hold

their thought
and to, like, redo it,

as if we're filming
a movie or something.

- Uh, add one.
- Three.

35 milli... uh, centimeters.

You know, breaking the natural,

heartfelt conversations

that are not
easy conversations to have,

he would have
never, ever done that.

Let's go. Ready to go.

I'm sorry, do it again.

Asia?

What happened in Hong Kong

was... listen.

We-we were trying
to help our friend.

And if that meant...

Um...

Doing... yeah.

Of everything I've done

in my life, this was probably
the professional highlight.

Between, uh, Asia argento
as the director

and Christopher Doyle as
the director of photography...

- You're gonna give me a camera?
- Hell yeah.

We really did something special.

All right,
proceed to smoke weed.

I think I'm happy.

Why? It's so peaceful?

Yeah.

This is the best shot
in the movie, by the way.

Wow, this is fucking beautiful.

Wait.

I don't smile a lot
on this show, by the way,

but I'm smiling now.

I want to shoot you guys.

So, tell us about your team.

Zach, 12-year veteran.

Zach had made parts unknown

one of the most beautiful shows
on television.

Tony's admiration for Zach

was just kind of mind-blowing.

In Hong Kong,

Zach had
a differing opinion from Asia

on what they were shooting.

And despite having
a huge history

and love and friendship,
he was gone.

When Tony fired Zach,

it was a huge red flag,
because it was like,

if he's gonna do that
to someone like him,

I mean, anyone
on the inner circle is

essentially,
you know, disposable.

Cheers.

There was
a very sort of manic nature

to what was going on
in that last year,

where the highs
were very, very high.

And the lows were very ugly.

He was not the same person.

Something changed
and became really heavy.

But he started going to therapy
at a certain point,

and I thought,

"I can take a step back.

"I don't have to be,
like, you know,

always so, uh, worried
about him."

And, uh...

And I feel like that's
something that I will always,

you know, felt like...

I should have kept an eye
on him more, you know?

He came by less and less.

And we would see him
once a month, if we were lucky.

You know,
he said some shit to me

that was really...
Fucking pissed me off.

Um...

You know, fuck it.

You know, Tony said
I would never be a good dad.

That fucking hurt.

And I know he wasn't
trying to be mean, but...

- Was he projecting?
- Yeah.

Of course he was projecting.

He did everything
he could to be the... a dad.

I think it broke his heart
that he couldn't be

the fucking dad
he thought he could be,

the romantic version of a dad.

He was such a romantic
about life,

about anything, about families,
about life as a whole.

Life was a romantic idea,
and reality was never gonna

live up to exactly
how he pictured it.

He was always gonna sort of

set himself up
for disappointment.

Wow.

There's a sense of, um,

vastness that I'm not used to.

Does this remind you
of your cowboy movies?

- Uh, a little bit.
- Yeah.

Yes, the lone gunman
out for vengeance

would be riding
in a long shot over there.

At that point, I think

he thought his relationship
with Asia

could provide him
with an answer.

- But anyway...
- You're right, you're right.

You know? His love for her

was completely pure and safe

and helpful and supportive.

Which is essentially what
he was looking for from her.

And I think
that Tony concluded that

the way to earn her trust

was just to go in
with his whole heart.

Please welcome Anthony bourdain!

One of the more painful and-and.

I-I would think
interesting journeys

you've taken on your life
happened just very recently

with regards to
the me too movement.

I started speaking about it
out of a sense of real rage.

I mean, I'd like to say
that I'm... I-I arrived at...

I was always enlightened
in some way

or that I am an activist
or virtuous.

But, in fact, uh, you know,
I have to be honest with myself.

I met one extraordinary woman

with an extraordinary
and painful story.

Uh, suddenly it was personal.

I think it surprised
a lot of people.

He had never really
wanted to stick himself

out there for a cause.

But Tony was like,
"I'm going to make a stand."

A nuclear bomb is gonna fall

on one of my worst enemies.

Everybody's been defending him,

but now he's going fucking down.

He's going down
big-fucking-time.

In 1997, I was raped
by Harvey weinstein

here at cannes.

And even tonight,
sitting among you,

there are those who still
have to be held accountable

for their conduct against women.

Argento later posting this photo

on Instagram
with her fist in the air,

the caption in French
translated,

"the battle of women continues."

Asia had just come from cannes.

And then we're in
the uffizi gallery

looking at
the beheading of holofernes,

which is literally

the beheading of her rapist,

and it's happening the day
that weinstein gets arrested.

Weinstein has repeatedly

denied all allegations.

It was extraordinary.

Everybody takes medusa
as the symbol of the evil woman

with snakes in her head,
but, uh,

she was, uh, a rape victim.

And she had to protect herself.

You know, powerful,
inconvenient women who

piss people off are inevitably
caricatured as medusa.

Yeah.

I'm-I'm next.

I wasn't gonna say it.

- It's only a matter of time.
- Hmm.

It's incredible.

Me too!

Our stories are true!

We say me too!

I mean, at first it was, like,

very noble of him, you know?

And it was a good cause.

But then he became...

Yeah, he became
obsessed with it.

You're talking about it in
a way that many people wouldn't.

To the point where

if a friend said something

five years ago
that would maybe...

Might be offensive
to the me too cause,

he would just, like,
cut them out of his life.

I'm pretty much
ming the merciless

- on this issue right now.
- Right.

Friends and creative partners...

He threw them
under the bus without

any sort of consultation
or anything.

I mean, there was
not much nuance

when it got to that point
of his life.

What I saw was him turn

what was a lifelong
addictive personality

to another person.

And that was
extremely dangerous.

He was acting like a kid
who didn't understand

that you're gonna
drive someone away

if you just pile on
and pile on and pile on.

- Yes. But-but what I...
- Really, the top ten

hottest things you've ever done
is park in Rome.

What, like... she was like,
"you could park here now,

- "but in an hour you can't park here."
- Yeah.

"We can get away with this now."

I thought, "this is
the fucking coolest thing."

He won't stop
fucking talking about

her ability to park.

It's like,
"you're such a good Parker.

"Y-You park so well.
You park so well.

You parallel park so well."

And she's like,
"dude, I don't want to be known

for my parking skills."

Like, you can see her
pulling back,

and he just won't stop.

We're having so much fun.

Done.

And it was genius, bro.

I'm telling you,
see you at the oscars, yo.

Saying goodbye to him

is the happiest I felt like
I had ever seen him.

Huge hugs.

He was like, "I love you."

"I love working with you.
We got years ahead of us.

I'm looking forward to it."

You don't want his legacy

to come off as, like,
somebody who...

Succumbed to, like, this...

darkness.

That wasn't him.

Like, he created something
that was so important.

And I want... that really
needs to be, like...

That is the legacy of his life.

Not this stupid bullshit act
that he did at the end.

How do we come to terms with...

what happened?

Hmm. That's something
I don't speak about.

What happened in France.

Um, where to start?

The kind of scenes that we had
and what kind of shoot it was...

You know, it was, like,
Tony and Eric.

Lighthearted, funny.

Um...

Wow. Wow.

- Listen, man. Listen.
- And you mocked me.

We're probably
like four days in.

Tony arrives, and he is just...

Palpably sort of like
just angry.

And...

The scene sort of...
It takes a dark turn.

Uh, they're talking about dying,

choking on a hot dog
or something like that.

He kind of looks back at me,

and we kind of make eye contact.

In-in my memory now,
it's very desperate.

I called Helen,

and this tabloid shit's come out

about Asia
and this other person.

Tony goes over
to this balcony again,

looking over this valley,
and he's, like, smoking,

and he's kind of alone.

I go out there, and I'm like,

"hey, man, how are you doing?

"You know, is this just, like...
Are these just tabloid people,

"like, fucking with you guys?

Like how, you know...
What's happening?"

And then, like, he pauses...

and he just says,
"a little fucking discretion."

Right? And I was like,
"hey, man, I'm just..."

He's like, "no, man, not you."

It's like, "I don't want
to have to fucking deal

with this... these fucking..."

You know,
he's talking about Asia.

He didn't even look at me.

You know, he's just kind of,
like, just, you know, smoking

and just sort of looking out
and just like, "fuck."

I wish I had said more
to him in that moment.

You know,
Tony hasn't been all right

for a long time.

The amount that he joked about
the end of his life and...

He's been chasing
that shit forever.

Potato chips are stale.

So depressed right now,
I feel like killing myself.

He's a fucking runner.

I mean, he ran for a long time,

but you're not gonna
outsmart pain.

I'm pretty sure that pole

will support my body weight.

- What?
- If I fucking hang myself.

I think it pops into

a lot of people's heads,
and it's just like,

since he knew how to do it...

I mean, I don't know.

He's a storyteller
for one thing.

How does a storyteller check out
without leaving a note?

But I think, in some regard,

he was gonna write his end,
which is what he did.

If you look at
his last Instagram story,

he played the title sequence
music from this '70s film

violent city.

And if you've seen the film,

you know that the beginning is

a series of paparazzi photos
of this couple.

I mean, it's a revenge film.

It's about this woman
who betrays him

and him seeking revenge.

I mean, it's-it's all there.

I'm very cautious

to be like, uh, blame the woman
for, like, you know...

Or blame the lover
or blame the husband.

You know, Tony killed himself.

Tony did it.

My brother committed suicide.

I think if somebody else
had been in his room,

it might've been a murder
and not a suicide.

I think he was just
in an explosive anger

and-and this was
the only way out.

When you choose
to hang yourself,

it's a torture.

Self-imposed torture.

If he was fucking drunk,

it'd be a lot easier
to understand.

The toxicology report was
he's clean and sober.

I think it was a clear decision.

It was a momentary lapse,

and I don't think
he weighed the pros and cons.

If he had just made it through
that night, you know?

We're trying
so hard to understand,

because we think
if we can understand it,

then we'll be okay with it.

And the fact
of the matter is, no,

I don't think we get to know.

We don't get to know.

That's tough.

Well, I don't know where he is

right now, but...

He let me down.

He...

I don't think
he was cruel, you know?

And there's, like,
a cruelty to that.

What the hell is everyone
supposed to do?

It's been over two years

since he took his own life,

and I still experience
a range of emotions.

Um...

God.

It's like...

I haven't fucking cut my hair
since he died.

Like, i-i...

I just miss him.

I miss a friend, a dear friend.

I think about a lot of
happy moments we had together.

Mostly, yeah.

I was in Vietnam
on a beautiful day.

I looked at my phone,
and there was the news.

And, uh, that's when I decided
to move to Vietnam for good.

That was the...
It was not even a thought.

It was the door opened
and I had to go through it

and start doing something new.

I was listening to this record

that brought me to tears
thinking of him.

And, um, both my kids

sort of embraced me.

My son, he's like,
"how did Tony die?"

And I was like,
"uh, I... we don't know."

Right?

About 20 seconds pass, and
he looked at me and he's like,

"I really would like to know
how Tony died."

I have this like hour-long
conversation about

Tony to my fucking
seven-year-old kid.

And I said,
"I think Tony, at the end,

"felt alone and felt
he couldn't talk to anybody

about the pain that was
going on inside of him."

And I said, "you know
you always have someone

to turn to and talk to."

That's the lesson in it for me.

It's plenty
to just say I'm hurt.

I haven't worked
for two years now.

Really close to the end,
we talked, and I said,

"got to take our girls
and lighten the load

"and show them the world,
show them who we are,

not just when
you come home, but..."

And-and we were both excited
about this prospect.

Fuck.

One, two, three.

When I get angry
is when I think about

leaving behind a brilliant...

Daughter.

You know.

He would have loved to be
around now, to see her now.

He'd be so proud of her.

I'm so lucky

'cause she's the best daughter
I-I could hope for.

And I will always be grateful
that, you know,

Tony gave her to me, you know?

I mean, I think this is

the last time I'll ever
talk publicly about it,

because I... that's not the way
I want to remember him.

I want to remember him

when we were together, all the
amazing things that we'd done

and the amazing person
that he was.

After Tony died,

the restaurant, les halles,
it just became this shrine.

We didn't realize he meant
so much to so many people.

"You inspired me
to get out of my comfort zone

and fearlessly immerse myself
in the richness of life."

"Advocate for
the working classes,

"the immigrants, the poor.

This world didn't deserve you."

And then a few people
left poems.

"One said," everyone forgets
that icarus also flew.

"I believe icarus
was not failing as he fell

but just coming to the end
of his triumph."

You know, I was
an angry young man.

I-I, uh...

I forget what I was angry about,
especially looking at this.

What the hell
was I so angry about?

This was, you know...

paradise.

Sorry.

Can I say something?

To have him
walking down a beach,

it resonates, it's sweet.

And I go, you know,
as-as I was upstairs

using the restroom,
I was like...

"He would fucking hate that."

Going out in a Blaze of glory
was so fucking lame.

But we live in this society
where every great artist

who kills themselves
is on murals

and they're talked about
like gods.

- Tony's on murals.
- Yeah. That's...

Around town,
there are a couple of them.

I should go deface them.

He would love it if I did that.

♪ I got
your written invitation ♪

♪ a beautiful stick in the eye ♪

♪ I get the message ♪

♪ you been sending ♪

♪ ain't no good in goodbye ♪

♪ throw everything away ♪

♪ anything can be replaced ♪

♪ black and blue
is the best I can do... ♪

Ooh.

Yeah.

♪ Want to? ♪

♪ Oh, what a pain in the asp ♪

♪ endless love and devotion ♪

♪ Indian gifts of the past ♪

♪ just another drop
on the ocean ♪

♪ empty space, empty heart ♪

♪ where the love ♪

♪ is not anymore ♪

♪ so ♪

♪ Living in limbo ♪

♪ kisses akimbo ♪

♪ every single bridge
is on fire ♪

♪ hold me together? ♪

♪ No way, never ♪

♪ due date done expired ♪

♪ second chances are a waste ♪

♪ I'm gonna bend until I break ♪

♪ black and blue
is the best I can do ♪

♪ yeah, black and blue
and broken in two ♪

♪ whoa, whoa ♪

♪ want to? ♪