All language subtitles for Perfect Strangers S03E01 (All the News That Fits)

Balki, you'll never guess
who I just had coffee with.

The mayor!

That's right.
The mayor of Chicago!

Well, I didn't actually
have coffee with him

I‐I brought it but I was there
when he drank it.

Since I started working
at the news paper

this kinda thing
happens all the time.

Well, not all the time
but a lot.

A lot.

Yeah, I can't believe it.

Last week I was selling key
chains at the Ritz discount.

And now I'm working
for a major Chicago newspaper!

That's, that's nice.

Nice? It's terrific!

Balki, I'm the city editor's
right‐hand man.

Well, not his
right‐hand man exactly.

Like I mean,
you know, I just

run errands for him,
you know, but who cares?

I have my foot
in the door.

I'm finally on my way.

The sky's the limit.

Is that a hockey puck?

Yes, cousin.

It landed right next to me
in that empty seat.

It's a good thing
you weren't there.

You'd have a puck shaped whole
in the middle of your head

and looked like a piggy bank.

The hockey game.

We were supposed to go
to the hockey game tonight.

I got you an Italian
beef sandwich.

With no peppers.

I know how they make
you puff up and turn red.

I‐I'm so sorry.

I completely forgot.

You have every right
to be angry with me.

‐ Oh, cousin, I'm not angry.
‐ Oh, thank you.

I'm just lonely and...

...I guess,
a little hurt.

Well, Balki‐‐

I'm just lonely
and hurt

and I guess,
a little disappointed.

‐ Well, Balki‐‐
‐ I‐I'm just lonely and hurt.

Disappointed and...

...I guess a little angry.

‐ Are you done?
‐ Yes, I am.

Well, Balki‐‐

You know, you never ask
about my life.

Alright‐alright, you‐you're,
absolutely right.

And I won't let it
happen again.

‐ How's your life‐‐
‐ I have no life.

I mean,
I'm happy for you.

You're out there
building your dream

climbing every mountain

fording every stream.

But I'm still folding sweat
shirts for Mr. Twinkacetti.

And that's isn't enough
anymore, is it?

Oh, cousin, you can read me
like a cheap suit.

Balki, you know
what you need?

A reason to live?

Well, yeah, that.

You need to go out
and look for a new job

like I did.

There are
thousands of jobs

right here
in the newspaper.

Now, now... Why don't
you just take tomorrow off

and start looking around.

‐ Will you come with me?
‐ I gotta work.

Oh, I beg your pardon,
I forgot, you have a life.

Alright, alright,
I'll tell you what.

Come down to the paper
at lunch tomorrow

and we'll plan
your strategy.

Really?

Oh, thank you, cousin.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I'm sorry, I forgot,
about the game.

‐ Oh.
‐ I'll make it up to you.

‐ Oh.
‐ And this looks great.

‐ Oh.
‐ Ha, ha, I'm starving.

Yeah, you know, I...

...I guess I was
a little upset.

I stuffed a lot of peppers
underneath your beef.

How are you today,
Mr. Feldman?

Not dead.

Okay, basement level!

Mail room, storage,
archives, garage

and Appleton's desk.

‐ Hi, baby.
‐ Hi, Harriette.

Bradley, you get the mayor's
conference at the city hall.

Clark, you check on
the Russian ship at the pier.

See, if union lets him
unload that damn thing.

‐ Applegate.
‐ Ah, that's Appleton, sir.

Did you get
that list of the Aldermen

that drive foreign cars.

Yes, sir.

Good job.

Now, see, if the governor
drives a foreign car.

I'll get right
on it, sir.

Why is this mail stacking up
here? What's going on?

Where's Gorpley?

Well, I‐I, I think,
he's in his office, sir.

You'd think that
the head of the mail room

could at least get
the mail distributed.

Gorpley!

‐ Cousin!
‐ Balki!

Cousin, I'm sorry,
I'm late.

This is the big building
I've ever seen.

‐ Pretty impressive, huh?
‐ Yes!

I've finally made it
to the big time.

Oh, you know, what?

I ask everybody
in the building about you

and they never
heard of you.

Is this your office?

It's humongous!

Oh, well, uh, actually,
this is the mail room

the archives,
the storeroom.

And this...

...my office.

Oh, cousin,
congratulations!

You really stepped in
something good this time.

Oh, I went down
to classifieds

and I picked up the copy
of a the want ads

before they
hit the streets.

Wow!

Insider trading.

Gorpley...

...why, why is
all this mail here?

This is
the mail room, sir.

Are you gonna let a great
metropolitan newspaper

grind to a halt

because you can't get
the mail distributed?

No, I'm‐I'm,
hiring someone, sir.

It's just that he can't
start for a few days.

Well, I need someone
in this mailroom today.

It's down the hall
next to the water fountain.

I start today.

Start what?

I need a job.

What's your name?

I have no idea.

This is, uh,
Balki Bartokomous, sir.

I can vouch for him.

He's trustworthy,
hardworking, honest‐‐

What kind of a car does
the governor drive?

Uh, I don't
know, sir.

Do you think you can get
that information for me today?

Do you need a dime? What is it?

No, I'll‐I'll get
right on it, sir.

You need a job?

‐ Yes.
‐ We'll give you a try.

Oh, thank you!

‐ We'll see if it works out.
‐ Oh.

Gorpley will
show you around.

Uh...

...I have to go now.

It's right down the hall
next to the water fountain.

Myers! Did you
finish that column?

I saw you, Myers!

Balki, you got the job!

Cousin,
isn't it wonderful?

We'll be
working together.

Now we're so happy,
we do the dance of joy!

Oh, I get it.

"Cousin", I see,
it's all falling into place.

What's falling
into place?

Can you say, "nepotism"?

Well, it's my first day,
but I give‐‐

‐ Nepotism?
‐ He asked me!

You get a job working
for the city editor.

And the next you know, you start
bringin' in your family.

Well, your family may have
gotten you in here

but I decide
if you stay.

Wait a minute?

Aren't you going
to teach me

the tricks
of the trade?

Figure them out
for yourself.

Well, Mr. Gorpley must have

a lot of confidence in me.

Excuse me, the only thing
Gorpley's got

is a nephew
who needs a job

and you just took it.

Now, listen here.

You'd better be careful.

One mistake,
and you gone.

Oh, thank you, thank you
for the warning, M‐Mrs...

Oh, I'm sorry, uh

Balki Bartokomous,
this is Harriette Winslow.

‐ Nice to meet you.
‐ How do you do?

Harriette runs
the elevator here.

Oh‐h‐h.

Well, your job must
have its ups and downs.

Is this elevator
going up?

No, this week
it's going sideways.

Come on, Balki.
She's got work to do.

Hang on.

Don't do that, baby.

Okay, buddy.

Balki.

Let's see
if you're qualified

to work
in a mail room.

I want you to sort this
mail according to zip codes.

These‐these don't have
no zip code.

Hey, you wanna quit?

No, no, no!

I want to do
the best job I can.

You know,
what I think?

I think, this time tomorrow

you're gonna be history.

Oh, well, thank you
for the vote of confidence.

I think we better wait
till I've earned it.

Balki.

Cousin, look at me!
I'm a mailman.

Balki, look busy.
Gorpley's coming.

Look busy? I've been
busy since 4:00 a. m.

Alright, Balki,
watch yourself.

Be careful.

Gorpley told his secretary

He's "Gonna get rid of
the kid from Mypos today."

Oh‐h‐h...

...point well
taken, cousin.

Do you think he means me?

I think so.

Hang in there.
You can beat this guy.

Okay.

Huff.

Bartokomous!

Well, you look like
you've got time to kill.

Come here.

Come... here.

I volunteered you

to address the company
Christmas cards

by hand.

And I need them
this afternoon.

Uh, excuse me, uh...

Isn't it a little early
for Christmas cards?

I want to avoid
the holiday rush.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, well...

...thank you very much.

Merry Christmas
to you, too.

I don't know why everybody
calls you a slime bucket.

Applebaum!

Yes, that's Appleton, sir.
Appleton.

I'm kinda short handed

so, I'm gonna turn this
assignment over to you.

There are bunch of kids
at the Kedzie Youth center

that are staging
a demonstration.

Somebody wants to pave over
their ball park

and build a parking lot.

‐ I want you to check it out.
‐ Yes, sir.

I will get you some pictures
that paper will be proud of.

Pictures?
I don't need pictures.

I need a story.

In your job interview, you said
you'd done some reporting.

Well, that's true, sir. But my
principle field is photography.

I have my own camera,
my own lenses, my own film.

Now you've got
your own pencil.

You can write,
can't you?

Write? Oh, me?
You bet.

Yes, I write constantly.
I'm a writing fool.

You'll have that first thing
tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?

We're a daily newspaper.

I need it by 4:30 today.

Myers! I need that column!
I saw you, Myers.

Cousin, I didn't know
you could write.

Of course, I can, I studied
journalism in college.

I know the five "W's"
of reporting.

Who, what, how, when,
how, no, how's an "h."

How, who‐who...

What, who, who, who...

Boy, I'm in trouble.

I finished.

I finished, 400 Christmas cards.

Who am I
trying to kid?

I'm not a reporter.
I'm a... litterbug.

Cousin, no, no, you're being
too hard on yourself.

Cop a mellow attitude.

Now, you know, this looks
pretty good to me.

"Pretty good?"

Pretty good,
do you think that's what

I wanna hear
from Mr. Burns

when he reads my first article,
"Pretty good, Appleburg."

Appleton.

I know my name!

This is for
the Chicago Chronicle.

If it's not great,
I won't get a second chance.

Bartokomous!

‐ You finished?
‐ Yes, yes, yes.

I'm finished.

This is all of 'em?

Yes, I'm sorry
it take so long

but I‐I thought that I would
alphabeticalize them.

That okay?

You think you're
pretty smart, don't you?

Well, I'm no
Sam Donaldson but uh...

We'll see how
smart you are.

I need 100 copies
of this flier.

You've got ten minutes.

Oh, but guess what
the copy machine is broke.

Hey, relax,
I'm looking out for ya.

You can use
the mimeograph machine.

See, I even got your stencil
all ready to go.

Ten minutes, Bartokomous.

Now, if you can't do the job,
I know someone who can.

Balki, you need help
with the mimeograph machine?

‐ Oh, no, no, cousin.
‐ Good.

Just... point it
out to me.

Oh.

Back here, look here,
Just wheel it out to your table

and I'll plug it in.

Alright.

Alright.
Get the stencil.

‐ Okay.
‐ Alright.

Okay, get the paper.

Paper.

‐ Paper.
‐ Okay, stencil's on.

Paper goes in here.

And you turn it on here.

‐ Get it?
‐ Got it.

Good.

‐ How's it going, Balki?
‐ Oh, it's going fine.

Just, just dandy.

You just
finish your article.

‐ Balki.
‐ No, no.

‐ No problem. No problem.
‐ It goes in here.

‐ Appleby.
‐ Uh, yes, sir?

I need that article
in five minutes.

Yes, sir. Appleton, sir.
Appleton.

‐ Alright.
‐ Cousin, no.

‐ You have to do your article.
‐ Balki, look.

Do this, it'll
just take a minute.

Cousin, you only
have five minutes.

It'll be easier
if I can look at it, here.

Alright, look, see,
here's the problem.

You've got all these papers
jammed under the drum.

Here, alright.

‐ Alright.
‐ Oh.

Get the basket.

‐ The basket?
‐ The paper basket.

The paper basket.

'I got it.'

‐ Balki!
‐ Cousin.

It's alive!

And it's hungry!

Turn it off.
Turn it off!

I, uh...

I can't!

Oh! Cousin.

‐ Balki!
‐ What?

‐ Balki, the plug.
‐ What, what?

‐ The plug, the plug, the plug‐‐
‐ The plug?

The plug, Balki.

The plug!

Ow. Ow.

I did it!

‐ Appleman.
‐ Ooh!

Where is the story?

Mr. Burns,
something came up.

And I still have
a bit of polishing to do.

This is, this is, news,
not silverware!

I need a story.

Mr. Burns,
it was my fault.

I accidently threw
his article away

but I just found it.

Well, actually that's
not the final‐final version.

If I could just
have a, have a‐‐

It's pretty good.

Well, Mr. Burns,
if I could only... pretty good?

I'd say for your first
assignment, it's pretty good.

Yeah.

See you on Monday,
Appleton.

Then maybe
you could explain to me

why you were trying
to mimeograph your tie.

‐ Balki, did you hear that?
‐ Oh.

Yes, he got
your name right!

No, no.

Not that.

He said I did
a great job.

Well, but he actually
said was pretty good.

‐ Yeah.
‐ Which if you remember.

‐ I also said pretty good.
‐ Yeah, right.

‐ Time's up, Bartokomous.
‐ Oh! Oh!

Gorpley, uh, could I talk
to you for just a second?

‐ No.
‐ Uh, Mr. Gorpley.

You have got
a gold mine here.

Just look at him.

You'll never find anyone who
will work this hard as he will.

How can you fire
a man like that?

Mr. Gorpley,
I have only 19 flyers.

I have failed you.

Yes you have.
You're fired.

See how easy it was?

Well, you're not
gonna get away with that.

Balki's done everything
you asked him to.

You have no right
to fire him.

Excuse me, sugar, you're going
by this the wrong way.

Gorpley...

I was gonna save
this for something big...

...but I like the kid.

Now, either he stays

or I tell your wife

what you were doing on
Miss Pasarelli

in my elevator
during the Christmas party.

I don't know,
what you're talking about?

Can you say,
"Alimony"?

Hey, I like
the kid, too.

You can stay. You can finish
those flyers next week.

Thank you.

Thank you, Harriette.

Well, I figured someone
had to look after you.

Congratulations, Balki.

You gonna be here
next week.

Well, we both be here
next week.

I was here last week.

But no big deal.

Alright, let's see
what Larry Appleton has to say

about the protest
at the Kedzie Youth Center.

Alright, alright,
alright, read it.

"Students at
the Kedzie‐‐"

Let me read it.

"Students at
the Kedzie Youth Center

staged a demonstration

to protest the building
of a parking lot

over their ball field."

A spokesman for builders
of the parking facility

promised to meet
with the students

to discuss
their grievances."

That was beautiful.

Well, it never even would
have made it into the paper

if you hadn't fished it
out of the trash.

Oh, cousin,
that's okay.

You helped me, with my work
when you were on that deadline.

No, I just saw
you were in trouble.

But you risked your job for me.

Ah, it was instinct.

You know, Balki.

I think working together
at the newspaper

is gonna be great.

Oh, I do, too.

Cousin, your first
newspaper article.

Hm.

Your first of many.

And you know what?

You're going to have to buy
a bigger scrapbook.

But not for
a long, long time.