Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:10,051
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
4
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,971
from the Barclay Theatre
in Irvine, California,
5
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:16,766
please welcome to the stage,
Whitney Cummings.
6
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:19,144
( APPLAUSE AND CHEERS )
7
00:00:19,227 --> 00:00:22,272
( MUSIC PLAYING )
8
00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:38,455
- Love you.
9
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:40,498
All bitches, come on!
10
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:43,626
( APPLAUSE AND CHEERS )
11
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,800
Thank you, guys, so much
for coming out tonight, man.
12
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,635
It's so good to be doing
standup again.
13
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,095
I took like
a couple of years off.
14
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:56,431
I was making
a television show...
15
00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:59,517
( APPLAUSE AND CHEERS )
16
00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:04,314
You didn't fuckin' watch it!
17
00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:07,650
You did not watch it,
no you didn't.
18
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,027
'Cause if you had watched it,
19
00:01:09,110 --> 00:01:11,321
I wouldn't fucking
be here right now.
20
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:15,658
( LAUGHTER )
21
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:16,993
No. I would be here.
22
00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:18,620
This is my favorite thing
to do in the world.
23
00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:20,830
It is so good to be back
doing standup.
24
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,458
The last couple years
were kind of...interesting.
25
00:01:23,541 --> 00:01:25,877
I think the most intense thing
that happened to me was
26
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,463
I went through
a really painful breakup,
27
00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:31,466
but I'm glad it happened because
actually I learned a lot.
28
00:01:31,549 --> 00:01:32,509
I feel like, you know what,
29
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,469
I figured out why
couples breakup.
30
00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:35,553
I think it's this--
31
00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:37,931
I think couples break up
because we're all operating
32
00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:40,892
under different definitions
of the word love.
33
00:01:40,975 --> 00:01:42,852
If you think about it,
we say this word to each other,
34
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:45,730
and I think it just
makes us raise expectations.
35
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,899
You know, I feel like
if we were all to just agree
36
00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:51,194
on a universal definition
of the word love,
37
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:54,197
we'd stop disappointing
each other so much, you know?
38
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,573
So to me,
my definition of love
39
00:01:55,657 --> 00:02:00,411
is being willing to die
for someone...
40
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:07,085
that you yourself
want to kill.
41
00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:11,047
Which is kind of confusing--
42
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,258
like if someone
were to break into my house
43
00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:14,926
and hold up a gun
to the person I love,
44
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:15,802
I would jump
in front of the gun.
45
00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:20,348
I'd go, "Wait, no, stop!
Let me do it!
46
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,184
Dude, I am begging you!"
47
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:25,228
( CHUCKLES )
48
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:26,771
I also think
in this culture
49
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,940
we express love
in a very twisted way.
50
00:02:29,023 --> 00:02:31,526
In this culture we show love
by giving each other presents--
51
00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:33,194
jewelry and trips and stuff--
52
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,195
and to me, that's not
what love's about.
53
00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:35,238
That's too easy, you know.
54
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:37,448
For me love is about the way
you treat a person
55
00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,535
on a daily basis
when no one else is around.
56
00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:41,828
Little things, you know?
57
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,038
Like if you love me,
for example,
58
00:02:44,122 --> 00:02:45,957
the second sex is over,
59
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:50,753
if I was on top,
don't push me off you...
60
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:57,510
...as quickly as possible...
61
00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,137
If you love me,
you will let me dismount
62
00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:03,266
with a little
fucking dignity.
63
00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:06,352
( APPLAUSE )
64
00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:13,318
You will let me dismount
like the swan that I am.
65
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:15,778
Thank you, sir.
66
00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:21,743
Or, if you were on top,
by some fucking miracle...
67
00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:28,291
...don't use my body
as a pushing off point.
68
00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:32,879
...When you get off,
don't push off my face...
69
00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:34,631
to go check your phone.
70
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:38,801
It's about respect.
71
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:39,886
Love to me
is about respect.
72
00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:40,970
Little things, you know.
73
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,306
If you love me and we're
taking a shower together,
74
00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:46,392
don't pee.
75
00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:49,812
Why is that so confusing?
76
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:53,608
Don't-don't make me
stand in your piss...
77
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:55,985
like a fucking asshole.
78
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:01,866
Use your head.
79
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,159
You know, if you love me,
you'll think ahead.
80
00:04:03,242 --> 00:04:04,994
Little things like
if you love me
81
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,163
and you buy me lingerie
as a gift,
82
00:04:07,246 --> 00:04:13,586
don't buy me a small top
and a medium bottom.
83
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:15,588
Okay? If you love me,
84
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:20,635
you will buy me a large top
and a small bottom,
85
00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,304
and I'll exchange that shit
on my own time.
86
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:29,519
Love is just like
don't be stupid.
87
00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:30,353
You know, little things.
88
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:32,188
Like if you love me,
let me wake up
89
00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:34,357
before you start
having sex with me.
90
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,359
Can I get some gum?
91
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:37,527
Can you just give me a sec...
92
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:40,697
This isn't prison.
I'm going to say 'yes'.
93
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,160
Have a little faith
in yourself, you know?
94
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:48,871
I also think that phrase
"I love you" is tricky
95
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,040
because I think when you're in
a relationship for a long time,
96
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,250
it starts to lose its value,
you know.
97
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,377
It starts to deteriorate.
98
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:55,378
Like when you first say
I love you,
99
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:56,462
it's such a big deal.
100
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,881
You know, you're like
( WHISPERS ) "I love you",
101
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,883
but after awhile,
you're just like
102
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,219
( YELLING )
"Love you!"
103
00:05:03,302 --> 00:05:04,303
Then after that,
you're just like,
104
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:09,600
"You, too", and finally
you're just like "Fuck you!"
105
00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:13,563
Love is dangerous, you know.
106
00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:14,522
It's a very dangerous
thing we do.
107
00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,399
We give someone else
the ability to hurt us.
108
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:18,401
At any moment you could
just get your heart broken,
109
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:19,902
have your life
ruined just like that,
110
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,904
and I think that makes us all
a little tense.
111
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,406
I think we're all a little
on edge, you know.
112
00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:26,242
Love is so insane
that when you hear about someone
113
00:05:26,325 --> 00:05:28,745
who's in love
who does a terrible thing,
114
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:29,871
you side with them.
115
00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:32,040
Like when I hear about a woman
who killed her husband,
116
00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:33,041
the first thing I think
I'm like,
117
00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:35,543
well, what the fuck
did he do?
118
00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:38,463
( SIGHS )
That poor woman!
119
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:41,924
Love makes you
think about things
120
00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:43,760
you never thought
you'd do before, you know?
121
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,011
Like getting married.
122
00:05:45,094 --> 00:05:46,095
This last relationship I thought
I was going to get married.
123
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,221
For me, I never thought
I was going to get married
124
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,432
because I have all this divorce
in my family, you know,
125
00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:51,768
but I also think that when
you get older as a woman,
126
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,103
marriage just becomes
a little more appealing
127
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,605
because marriage
is set up for girls
128
00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:58,608
as an offer that you just
cannot refuse, you know?
129
00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:00,735
If someone came up to me
on the street randomly
130
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:04,113
and marriage as an institution
did not exist,
131
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,741
and someone was just like,
"Excuse me ma'am.
132
00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:11,037
Hi, um, would you be interested
in a beautiful diamond ring
133
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,123
and a bunch of parties
where your friends will buy you
134
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,543
whatever the fuck you want?"
135
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,754
And then you get to move
into somebody else's house
136
00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:22,256
and get on their health
insurance plan...
137
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,050
And then
if they cheat on you,
138
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:28,054
you get half their shit,
no questions asked.
139
00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:31,390
Would you be
interested in that?
140
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,105
Yeah, man, yeah, yeah.
141
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:39,649
How do I get
all that shit?
142
00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:42,860
Well, you just have to
have sex with the same man
143
00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:45,154
for the rest of your life.
144
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,198
Ohhh.
145
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:49,742
You know, fuck it.
146
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,327
I have Tylenol PM.
Let's do this shit.
147
00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:52,662
Where do I sign up?
148
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,831
( GIGGLES )
149
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:55,998
It's not that we love you.
150
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,501
We just want shit, okay?
151
00:06:58,584 --> 00:06:59,836
It's the same thing with sex.
152
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,337
Like we don't always
have sex with you guys
153
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,047
because we like
want that dick.
154
00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:04,173
No!
155
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,974
No!
156
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:14,684
Okay? Half the time
I have sex with a guy,
157
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:15,476
it's because
it burns calories.
158
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:19,564
( APPLAUSE )
159
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:27,071
I'm like oh, God.
I had that lasagna today...
160
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:30,992
I don't have time to go
to the gym, so...
161
00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:33,828
I should probably
just fuck this guy.
162
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:36,038
( SIGHS )
163
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,373
But I really go for it,
you know.
164
00:07:37,456 --> 00:07:39,375
I wear a terrycloth headband
and ankle weights.
165
00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:40,793
I get in there and...
166
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:50,219
In this last relationship,
I was going so insane
167
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,597
that I started doing research
to try to figure out
168
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,223
what goes on chemically
in your brain
169
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,266
when you're in love.
170
00:07:55,349 --> 00:07:56,767
And I read this book called
"The Female Brain".
171
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,561
Has anyone read this book?
172
00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:02,398
Ooh! One...dude?
173
00:08:02,481 --> 00:08:03,733
All right, what you got
going on over here
174
00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:06,611
considering the fact
that you're with a dude?
175
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:11,908
Why would you
need that book?
176
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:12,742
I respect that.
177
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,244
You just wanted to
get a head start,
178
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,079
just kind of figure it out.
179
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,581
So you're just here alone?
180
00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:21,584
I respect that.
181
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:25,129
You're not going home alone--
that's for sure.
182
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:26,339
That book's amazing, right?
183
00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:29,258
This book is all about the way
women's brains are wired,
184
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,259
and essentially it said
185
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,594
that we have like
millions of more emotions
186
00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:35,264
and hormones and like
synapses that connect--
187
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,266
basically, it's a miracle
188
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:41,145
that we're not crying
all the fucking time--
189
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:42,104
which is a bummer
190
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,440
because I feel like guys
hate that, you know?
191
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,566
You know,
I feel like guys hate
192
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,735
that women are so emotional
and sensitive, right?
193
00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:49,654
You guys think
women are crazy, right?
194
00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:50,613
Yes? Okay.
195
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:54,700
All right.
196
00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:03,417
You think
this is fun for me?
197
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:05,920
You think I would ever
choose this for myself?
198
00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:08,089
You think I enjoy crying
199
00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:10,508
every time
Adele is on the radio?
200
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:13,302
That's embarrassing, okay.
201
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,930
You think I enjoy Googling
your ex-girlfriend
202
00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:19,225
three hours a day?
203
00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:20,601
You think I have
that kind of time?
204
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:23,104
You think I enjoy
trying to guess
205
00:09:23,187 --> 00:09:26,065
every one of your security
question answers?
206
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,903
Oh, shit! What street
did he grow up on?
207
00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:33,990
It's weird because
that's all I hear from guys
208
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,491
is that women are crazy.
209
00:09:35,574 --> 00:09:37,243
Women are so crazy.
But I have tons of girlfriends,
210
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:38,828
and I hang out
with my girlfriends alone
211
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,329
all the time,
and when guys aren't around,
212
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,332
women are super cool,
rational, logical,
213
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,334
but then they start
dating some dude,
214
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,836
and they lose their mind.
215
00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:48,170
Women are not crazy--
216
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:51,841
you guys fucking
make us that way. Okay?
217
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,926
( APPLAUSE )
218
00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:56,762
I'm just sayin',
219
00:09:56,846 --> 00:10:00,433
take your passwords
off your fucking phones.
220
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:06,022
It's just weird
because I feel like
221
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,023
being crazy and sensitive--
222
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:09,025
like that doesn't have to be
a negative thing.
223
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,276
I think that's kind of
an asset, you know?
224
00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:14,447
I think girls should be paranoid
and hypervigilant and emotional
225
00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:17,158
because we're responsible
for raising helpless babies.
226
00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:18,826
Okay? We can't think
like you guys.
227
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:21,954
We can't be
fucking sociopaths...
228
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:25,249
or else babies
would just die...
229
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,585
all the time and our species
would be extinct.
230
00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:32,256
Like if we felt like you guys,
we would give birth to a baby,
231
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,758
you know, take it home
from the hospital
232
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:36,177
if we even went
to the hospital...
233
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:39,513
because I don't
need a doctor.
234
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:42,058
Then we would like put it
in the sink for a month.
235
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,435
Just throw Doritos on it,
236
00:10:44,518 --> 00:10:48,230
every now and then spray it
with Axe Body Spray...
237
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,148
And when we were done with it,
238
00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:50,107
we would just like
put it on Craig's List,
239
00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:52,401
like, ah, I can get
a few bucks for that.
240
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:53,611
( GIGGLES )
241
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:54,570
I feel like you guys think
242
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:57,907
that we like choose
to be crazy, you know?
243
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,241
It's an act of choice.
244
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:00,284
Like I feel like
you guys think
245
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,578
that we wake up
on any given morning
246
00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:06,415
and just decide we're
going to have a terrible day.
247
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,416
I feel like you guys think
we wake up
248
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,376
and we're like
oh my God,
249
00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,211
I'm going to have
such a good day today.
250
00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:12,213
I'm going to hang out
with my boyfriend,
251
00:11:12,296 --> 00:11:15,633
we're going to go hang out,
see a movie--
252
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:19,428
you know what?
253
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,931
No.
254
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:24,058
I have a better idea.
255
00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:28,104
I'm going to wake up,
feel fat for two hours...
256
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:29,105
then get mad
at my boyfriend
257
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:34,985
because he said good morning
in a weird tone...
258
00:11:36,695 --> 00:11:41,534
...then I'm going to break up
with him in my head...
259
00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:42,284
I'm not going to tell him
we broke up.
260
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:42,993
It's none of his
fucking business
261
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:47,123
whether we're
together or not.
262
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:50,793
Then I'm going to go spend
$200 on jeans that don't fit...
263
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:53,295
then I'm going to
go eat cucumbers
264
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,090
with barbecue sauce on them...
265
00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:57,299
then I'm going to
get mad at him again
266
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,802
because he suggested we see
a Scarlett Johansson movie--
267
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:04,140
what the fuck is that?
268
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,016
Then I'm going to go
spend two hours online
269
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,144
looking at wedding dresses.
270
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:11,105
( GIGGLES )
271
00:12:11,188 --> 00:12:13,441
Not a great day for us,
either, you know?
272
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,861
I think it's funny that guys
are never called crazy
273
00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:19,989
because I feel like guys
do things that are like,
274
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:20,990
crazy, you know?
275
00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:22,450
But guys are never called crazy.
276
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,285
Like, for a guy
to get called crazy,
277
00:12:24,368 --> 00:12:25,619
he's got to be like--
278
00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:28,164
he's got to be like
naked in an alley
279
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:34,003
jerking off
on a dead pigeon...
280
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:39,049
singing bible hymns
like "Over the River"...
281
00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:46,348
But even then we're like,
oh my God, that guy is homeless.
282
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:49,310
That is so sad.
283
00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:51,353
( SIGHS )
Do you have a dollar?
284
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:52,938
Give him a dollar.
285
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,150
But for a girl
to get called crazy,
286
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:58,903
we just have to send you
two text messages in a row.
287
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:04,074
She's fucking crazy, man.
288
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,534
She's fucking
stalking me, bro.
289
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,578
She's obsessed with me, man.
290
00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:08,370
I'm like I don't know,
I'm not crazy.
291
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,289
I'm just locked
out of the house.
292
00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:12,500
Can you let me
in the house?
293
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,376
I'm not stalking you.
I live here.
294
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,212
My house.
We live together.
295
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:19,298
I'm not obsessed with you.
I hate you, so...
296
00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:21,884
Guys are never called crazy,
297
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:25,221
but I feel like guys do things
that are actually crazy.
298
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:28,516
Like things that would
put you in an insane asylum.
299
00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:34,605
Like you guys will
talk to athletes in the TV.
300
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:39,652
You think they can
fucking hear you.
301
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,404
That's literal
schizophrenia.
302
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:46,242
That is a mental illness.
303
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:46,951
Like I was watching
some of my guy friends
304
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:47,743
a couple of months ago.
305
00:13:47,826 --> 00:13:48,619
They were watching
a Giants game
306
00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:50,955
and they were talking
to Eli Manning.
307
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:53,624
They were having a conversation
with this person.
308
00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:55,125
They were like,
Eli, listen to me.
309
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,335
Eli, listen to me.
310
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:57,586
We have been through this, bro.
311
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:01,257
I'm like, bitch, you've not been
through shit with him, man.
312
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:02,925
He cannot hear you,
and even if he could hear you,
313
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:05,719
why would he take
advice from you?
314
00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:06,387
You can't even get
your Heinekens
315
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:09,098
in the fucking garbage can.
316
00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:12,309
I feel like you guys
watching sports
317
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:13,769
should give you a little more
sympathy for us
318
00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:14,937
because now you know
what it's like
319
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:18,065
to yell at a man and have him
completely ignore you.
320
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:21,151
( APPLAUSE )
321
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:25,573
Every day is Sunday for us.
322
00:14:27,866 --> 00:14:28,701
You guys say
the meanest things
323
00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:29,952
to these athletes,
the meanest things.
324
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:32,413
Like they were watching
Tom Brady
325
00:14:32,496 --> 00:14:34,790
and they were like
Tom Brady, you suck.
326
00:14:34,873 --> 00:14:36,292
Tom Brady sucks.
327
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:37,501
I don't know that much
about football,
328
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,962
but I'm pretty sure Tom Brady
doesn't suck at football.
329
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:40,879
I'm pretty sure you suck.
330
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:44,383
I'm pretty sure
all you suck at football.
331
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,763
I just wish these athletes
would stand up for themselves,
332
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:51,807
you know, against these
horrible things you say.
333
00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:53,058
I wish just one time
334
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,311
Tom Brady would look directly
into the camera and be like,
335
00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:58,272
"Hey man, fuck you,
I got this...
336
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,983
"I make
20 million dollars a year
337
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:03,902
"and you can't even do
a fucking sit-up...
338
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,241
Get off my dick, man."
339
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:14,413
That's where you guys
get delusional about sports.
340
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:17,333
Like I feel if we get delusional
about like relationship stuff,
341
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,710
but sports is where you guys
kind of lose your mind.
342
00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:21,170
Like I have this guy friend
who--
343
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:24,590
he carries a football around
in his car...
344
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:27,509
...like bitch, you're 50.
345
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,928
No one wants to play
football with you.
346
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:33,349
Like to him it's like--
347
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,517
like it's not over yet,
you know.
348
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,936
Like in his mind
he's going to get a call...
349
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,651
Like any minute
he's getting a phone call.
350
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,402
If the coach of the Giants
doesn't call him like,
351
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:46,028
"Hey, man.
352
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:49,698
"Eli's hurt...
353
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:50,991
You still got that football
in your car?"
354
00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:58,582
I'm trying to kind of
take responsibility
355
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,834
for my part in being crazy,
you know?
356
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,503
I'm trying to be more mature
in relationships,
357
00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:03,420
and I don't think
that it's just women
358
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:06,382
who are biologically fixed
to be crazy--
359
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:07,216
I don't think that's it.
360
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,301
I think there's a lot of
socialization
361
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:10,386
that messes us up, too.
362
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:13,222
Like I realize I have
incredibly high expectations
363
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:15,265
for romance, and I don't even
know where they come from.
364
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,893
Like I realized recently
when I get off a plane,
365
00:16:17,976 --> 00:16:19,186
I fully expect the guy
that I'm dating
366
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:25,234
to be waiting for me
at the airport, surprising me.
367
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:28,237
What shitty movie
did we see...
368
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,238
You know what?
369
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:30,906
I actually--I think
it was Crocodile Dundee--
370
00:16:30,989 --> 00:16:31,907
I swear to God.
371
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:33,117
Remember in the '90s
all those guys were like
372
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,703
just rushing
to the airport?
373
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:36,870
Because as an adult,
374
00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:38,038
today, I will fully
get off a plane.
375
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,207
I will go on the escalator
and I will be like...
376
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:57,808
( HEAVY BREATHING )
377
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,271
( SIGHS )
Fucking asshole.
378
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:03,689
( GIGGLES )
379
00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:06,316
Which is so unfair
to you guys, you know?
380
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,401
Because if you guys
were to actually do that,
381
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:08,902
it would be
a complete disaster.
382
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:10,112
If the guy I was dating
showed up at the airport
383
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:13,615
when I got off the plane,
all tired and sticky and shit,
384
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:17,494
I'd be like, dude,
what the fuck are you doing?
385
00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:18,829
He'd be like oh,
I just, you know,
386
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:19,747
wanted to come surprise you
at the airport.
387
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:21,331
I'd be like,
you drove to the airport?
388
00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:22,291
I drove to the airport.
389
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:26,003
Now we have two cars
at the fucking airport!
390
00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:31,175
What lot are you in?
391
00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:32,009
You're in lot B?
392
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:35,512
We have to take a bus
to your lot?
393
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,307
Oh, you piece of shit!
394
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:40,809
That's crazy, you know,
395
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,019
but I think there are
a lot of things
396
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:45,439
that contribute to us being
a little irritable, you know?
397
00:17:45,522 --> 00:17:46,565
I think that part of girls
being crazy
398
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:49,943
is the fact that being a female
is just so frustrating.
399
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,987
Like there's so much work
we have to do,
400
00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:53,781
there's so much maintenance
that goes into it,
401
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:55,699
and most of what we do
is to make you guys think
402
00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:57,701
we're attractive,
so we're resentful, you know.
403
00:17:57,785 --> 00:18:00,162
I feel like by 9 AM
we already hate you.
404
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:03,874
Okay? Because of all this shit
we have to do from 8 to 9 AM
405
00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:05,876
to make you think
we're fuckin' pretty.
406
00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:06,710
Like do you know
the kind of shit
407
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:07,169
that goes on
in your bathroom, sir?
408
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:08,295
You don't know.
409
00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:11,006
You're wearing shorts.
410
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:23,519
And what are those--
are those Crocs?
411
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,691
Oh my God, white people
are so embarrassing.
412
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:30,734
Unbelievable!
413
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:31,443
And she-- you don't understand
the kind of stuff
414
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:33,987
that goes on in the bathroom.
415
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:34,863
She's working hard
416
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,698
and you're wearing...
your pajamas.
417
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,826
This is unbelievable.
418
00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:40,536
Do you realize
the things that we do?
419
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:42,496
We spray aerosol.
420
00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:44,832
We inhale aerosol every day.
421
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:45,707
Okay?
Then we put on makeup
422
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,710
which is just chemicals
and poison...
423
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:50,337
then we put on perfume
which is pure alcohol.
424
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:54,508
It's not that we bitchy--
we're just high...
425
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:55,884
most of the time.
426
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:59,054
Bitches are just
lit up everywhere.
427
00:18:59,137 --> 00:19:00,931
Have you ever seen a girl
put on perfume.
428
00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:03,934
She's like eh, eh, eh--
( INHALES )
429
00:19:04,017 --> 00:19:06,395
Ah-h-h.
430
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:10,065
Okay, let's go.
Where we going?
431
00:19:10,148 --> 00:19:11,900
The torture we put
ourselves through--
432
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,527
it's just annoying,
you know?
433
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,028
Like do you know
what eyeliner is, sir?
434
00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,697
Do you have any idea?
435
00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:17,739
A little bit.
A little bit,
436
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,867
little bit, little bit.
437
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,910
Sorry, I can't stop looking
at your scrotum.
438
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:22,286
Unbelievable!
439
00:19:22,369 --> 00:19:25,330
( APPLAUSE )
440
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:32,421
Eyeliner-- no idea.
441
00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:35,257
Just based on the word
eye...liner.
442
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:38,260
Zero?
443
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:40,137
Nothing.
444
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:41,930
Zip. Guys don't even know.
445
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,140
Do you have any idea, sir?
446
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:44,808
- I can take a hint.
WHITNEY: You can take a hint.
447
00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:47,436
Okay, let's see.
448
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:49,521
You apply it to your eye.
449
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:53,442
See, this is--
he's my worst nightmare.
450
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:55,986
This is my worst nightmare.
451
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:57,613
This is literal guy.
452
00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:01,283
This is the guy who in a fight,
he just sticks to the facts.
453
00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:04,536
To win-- he's the guy
who's like,
454
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:05,662
"No, no, no I didn't say
you were a bitch.
455
00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:07,289
I said you were
being a bitch."
456
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,417
( APPLAUSE )
457
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:15,923
And you're like, okay,
I got to go regroup--
458
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:17,925
I'll be right back.
459
00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:19,259
Does any guy know
how eyeliner is applied?
460
00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,178
This amazes me.
The guy has no idea.
461
00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:22,221
MAN:
With a brush.
462
00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:26,850
- With a brush-- no!
463
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:29,728
That's another
masochistic thing we do.
464
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,271
That's eye shadow--
it's applied with a brush.
465
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:33,774
The point of eye shadow
is to make us look
466
00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:34,858
like we have black eyes,
467
00:20:34,942 --> 00:20:35,859
so why don't you take
a good hard look at yourself
468
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:38,946
and why you think
that's attractive, sickos.
469
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:42,991
I can't do eye shadow myself.
470
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,242
It's actually difficult to do.
471
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:45,327
I just have to be like baby,
can you punch me in the face?
472
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,746
I'm going to work.
473
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:51,166
Eyeliner-- nothing.
474
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,167
This is amazing to me.
475
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:53,669
Eyeliner.
What's that?
476
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:54,920
Do you know how?
477
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:55,212
With a pen?
478
00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:57,214
No!
479
00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:59,216
What else,
what's close to pen?
480
00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:01,843
MAN: A pencil.
- Pencil!
481
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,345
Doesn't that sound
a little fucking dangerous
482
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:06,181
to anybody else?
483
00:21:06,264 --> 00:21:10,686
We're putting pencils
in our eyeballs.
484
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,188
Like I think the first thing
you learn as a child
485
00:21:13,271 --> 00:21:16,692
is do not get a pencil
near your eye...
486
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:18,527
until you become
an adult woman--
487
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:19,861
in which case
we want you to put it
488
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:22,239
inside your eyeball
every morning.
489
00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:24,032
We know you're probably
going to do it
490
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,243
while you're driving.
491
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:27,077
We don't care--
492
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:30,998
only way to get a man
to like you.
493
00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:31,790
I was worried
that it was taking
494
00:21:31,873 --> 00:21:33,375
some kind of toll
on our eyesight,
495
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:35,252
like collectively as women,
you know.
496
00:21:35,335 --> 00:21:38,380
I feel like putting ink
and pencils and dye--
497
00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:41,675
this has got to be bad
for our vision.
498
00:21:41,758 --> 00:21:43,719
You know, sometimes
women see shit
499
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:46,722
that's just not
fucking there.
500
00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:48,390
I think there's a correlation.
501
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,600
I used to always
accuse my ex
502
00:21:50,684 --> 00:21:51,685
of checking out hot chicks
in front of me.
503
00:21:51,768 --> 00:21:53,562
He'd be like what chicks--
I don't see any chicks.
504
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,773
I'd be like I don't know,
motherfucker.
505
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:59,609
I don't have any
peripheral vision anymore,
506
00:21:59,693 --> 00:22:00,610
from all this eyeliner.
507
00:22:00,694 --> 00:22:01,445
I see hot chicks everywhere.
508
00:22:01,528 --> 00:22:03,780
( GIGGLES )
509
00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:04,990
So much suffering.
510
00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:06,408
There's so much pain involved
in being a girl, you know?
511
00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:07,576
I don't think women are weak.
512
00:22:07,659 --> 00:22:10,370
I think women are too strong
because we just endure it.
513
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:12,914
We just take it
and don't complain about it,
514
00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:15,292
but I do think that it
manifests in other ways.
515
00:22:15,375 --> 00:22:16,460
Like next time
you're talking to a girl
516
00:22:16,543 --> 00:22:18,420
and you think she's acting
like shitty or unreasonable,
517
00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:23,050
just remember that she's got
a polyester string
518
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:24,384
in her asshole.
519
00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:32,392
Yeah, she's probably
a little stressed out, okay?
520
00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:37,939
We're all a little on edge,
and I think that's probably why.
521
00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:38,565
A guy will be like
what's up your ass?
522
00:22:38,648 --> 00:22:41,443
I'm like uh-h-h.
523
00:22:41,526 --> 00:22:43,320
I can tell you right now,
524
00:22:43,403 --> 00:22:48,283
it's a polyester string
I paid $35 for.
525
00:22:48,366 --> 00:22:51,787
That I can't even put
in the fucking dryer.
526
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:53,205
Do you have a question?
527
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:02,964
I can't do a lot of it,
you know.
528
00:23:03,048 --> 00:23:04,257
I can't do high heels.
529
00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:05,175
I cannot do high heels
530
00:23:05,258 --> 00:23:07,094
because I feel like
it makes me shitty.
531
00:23:07,177 --> 00:23:08,804
I get in a bad mood
when I'm wearing high heels,
532
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:10,347
you know.
It's just so weird to me.
533
00:23:10,430 --> 00:23:12,099
Some of you guys are here
with girls tonight
534
00:23:12,182 --> 00:23:15,811
whose feet are bleeding.
535
00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:17,145
But you're not doing
anything about it.
536
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:18,146
It's not even weird--
537
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,981
you're not getting them
a Band-Aid, nothing.
538
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:23,318
It's just accepted that
we like limp around, you know.
539
00:23:23,401 --> 00:23:25,487
I also don't like it
because I feel like when I do,
540
00:23:25,570 --> 00:23:28,031
the guy that I'm with
will get mad at me
541
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:29,157
for wearing heels,
you know?
542
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:29,950
He'll go why are you wearing
those high-heeled shoes?
543
00:23:30,033 --> 00:23:31,368
It's going to ruin
our whole night
544
00:23:31,451 --> 00:23:33,954
because you're going to be
complaining the entire time
545
00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:35,122
about your feet hurting
546
00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:36,331
and I'm going to have to
go get the car
547
00:23:36,414 --> 00:23:38,291
and pull the car around.
548
00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:40,627
Like um, hey bro,
I'm wearing heels
549
00:23:40,710 --> 00:23:44,923
so that you
want to fuck me.
550
00:23:47,217 --> 00:23:48,135
Because if I don't,
551
00:23:48,218 --> 00:23:48,552
you're going to leave me
for someone who does.
552
00:23:48,635 --> 00:23:49,636
I've seen porn,
553
00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:52,556
and none of those bitches
are wearing Aerosoles.
554
00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:01,857
Just go get the car.
555
00:24:04,234 --> 00:24:05,068
Like I'm always trying
to look good for guys
556
00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:07,863
and it's always backfiring
on me, you know?
557
00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:09,197
Like when I'm taking
too long in the bathroom--
558
00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:11,074
you're taking forever
in the bathroom.
559
00:24:11,158 --> 00:24:12,242
We're going to miss
our reservation.
560
00:24:12,325 --> 00:24:13,743
I'm like I'm sorry--
I'm just in here
561
00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:14,828
trying to make you think
I'm pretty.
562
00:24:14,911 --> 00:24:17,164
I'm not in a huge rush
to get to the restaurant.
563
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:20,041
It's not like I can eat anything
once we get there anyway.
564
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:22,335
I'm fucking
starving to death.
565
00:24:22,419 --> 00:24:26,339
I haven't had bread since '95,
so just be cool, man.
566
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:29,217
Then we get in trouble
for that.
567
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:30,302
Why are you always on a diet?
568
00:24:30,385 --> 00:24:31,761
You're always on a diet.
569
00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:34,222
I'm on a diet because
I'm trying to get the body
570
00:24:34,306 --> 00:24:37,851
of the women you jerk off to
after I fall asleep.
571
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,521
It's not just
that I love lettuce.
572
00:24:41,605 --> 00:24:43,440
Okay?
I don't love lettuce.
573
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:47,277
What is the confusion.
574
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,446
It's always something, man.
575
00:24:49,529 --> 00:24:51,031
Why are you always cold?
576
00:24:51,114 --> 00:24:52,115
Why are you always cold?
577
00:24:52,199 --> 00:24:53,408
You're always cold.
578
00:24:53,491 --> 00:24:58,914
I'm cold because
I lasered my entire body...
579
00:24:58,997 --> 00:25:03,585
so that you would think
I'm soft, you fucking pedophile.
580
00:25:03,668 --> 00:25:06,671
( APPLAUSE )
581
00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:21,728
Unbelievable!
582
00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:26,900
Actually, there's a lot of stuff
you guys don't know.
583
00:25:26,983 --> 00:25:28,109
You know there's a lot of stuff
you guys don't know
584
00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:29,236
and I feel like
if you knew about it,
585
00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:31,613
you'd be a little less
frustrated with us, you know?
586
00:25:31,696 --> 00:25:33,114
Like there's so much stuff
you guys don't know.
587
00:25:33,198 --> 00:25:36,493
Like you guys don't know
about the voices.
588
00:25:39,496 --> 00:25:40,622
No one told you
about that shit, huh?
589
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,124
You think it's bad
when our mouths are moving--
590
00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:47,254
no, that's the best case
scenario.
591
00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:50,924
It's when our mouths are shut
that you need to be concerned.
592
00:25:51,007 --> 00:25:53,760
Because that means
we're fucking thinking.
593
00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:57,597
That's when all
the problems start.
594
00:25:57,681 --> 00:25:58,515
Because I feel like
in this culture
595
00:25:58,598 --> 00:26:01,434
girls are taught to be
so self-critical.
596
00:26:01,518 --> 00:26:02,310
You know,
we compare ourselves
597
00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:03,603
to such an impossible
physical ideal
598
00:26:03,687 --> 00:26:06,481
that we're always
judging ourselves.
599
00:26:06,564 --> 00:26:07,565
You know, I'm so insecure
at this point
600
00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:09,609
I just have this constant
inner monologue
601
00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:13,154
saying the meanest shit to me
all the time.
602
00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:16,157
It's just like, "Hey, Whitney,
603
00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:19,619
"your thighs are touching...
604
00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:20,662
"You probably shouldn't
have had that cheese
605
00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:25,500
"last night,
you fuckin' pig.
606
00:26:25,583 --> 00:26:26,668
"You haven't gone
to the gym yet today--
607
00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:30,588
"that's an interesting choice.
608
00:26:30,672 --> 00:26:34,009
"I guess you're just
going to die alone.
609
00:26:34,092 --> 00:26:36,511
"Even if a man does marry you,
you're so loud
610
00:26:36,594 --> 00:26:39,597
he's going to leave you
for an Asian girl."
611
00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:42,183
( GIGGLES )
612
00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:44,811
Just the meanest stuff,
constantly.
613
00:26:44,894 --> 00:26:48,648
But I feel like guys don't have
that same insecurity, you know?
614
00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:50,275
Obviously.
615
00:26:54,654 --> 00:26:55,697
I don't think guys are
self-critical like that.
616
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:58,158
I feel like guys
doing a monologue
617
00:26:58,241 --> 00:26:58,950
is totally different.
618
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:00,368
I feel like guys
doing a monologue
619
00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:03,538
are like, "What's up, bro?
620
00:27:03,621 --> 00:27:06,166
"Looking awesome!
621
00:27:06,249 --> 00:27:10,587
"Really killing it today,
per usual.
622
00:27:10,670 --> 00:27:14,174
"Dude, I don't think
you need to shave today--
623
00:27:14,257 --> 00:27:18,678
"that weird black hair growing
out of your back looks cool.
624
00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:21,556
"Dude, do not
shave your face.
625
00:27:21,639 --> 00:27:22,766
"Fuck your girlfriend
and her bloody chin.
626
00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:26,561
"Fuck her!
627
00:27:26,644 --> 00:27:28,730
"Dude, I'm thinking
you should wear
628
00:27:28,813 --> 00:27:32,275
"those awesome
cargo shorts again today.
629
00:27:33,443 --> 00:27:36,529
With socks and sandals."
630
00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:43,244
( SIGHS )
631
00:27:43,328 --> 00:27:45,580
Must be nice.
632
00:27:45,663 --> 00:27:48,708
Must be nice
to like yourselves.
633
00:27:51,669 --> 00:27:52,837
I feel like I spend
so much time
634
00:27:52,921 --> 00:27:55,423
trying to figure out what guys
are thinking about, you know?
635
00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:57,384
That's like our favorite thing
to do as girls, right--
636
00:27:57,467 --> 00:27:59,260
ask guys what they're thinking,
you know?
637
00:27:59,344 --> 00:28:01,429
"Hey babe, what are you
thinking about--"
638
00:28:01,513 --> 00:28:02,472
it's always
the same shit, right?
639
00:28:02,555 --> 00:28:04,099
"Nothin'."
640
00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:06,393
Like we got to stop
doing that.
641
00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:08,603
That has never gone well
for any girl.
642
00:28:08,686 --> 00:28:10,897
Like no girl in the history
of time was ever like
643
00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:14,734
"Hey babe,
what are you thinking about--"
644
00:28:14,818 --> 00:28:16,903
And the guy was like,
645
00:28:16,986 --> 00:28:19,656
"Well...
...I'm glad you asked.
646
00:28:23,243 --> 00:28:25,412
"I was just thinking about
how young you look
647
00:28:25,495 --> 00:28:27,163
"and how much
I love monogamy.
648
00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:27,914
Can we talk about it?"
649
00:28:31,835 --> 00:28:34,504
No, it's always
the same shit, right?
650
00:28:34,587 --> 00:28:36,131
"Nothin'."
651
00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:37,090
But, you know what--
652
00:28:37,173 --> 00:28:38,299
I've finally come to terms
with the fact
653
00:28:38,383 --> 00:28:43,763
that I think guys really do
think about fuckin' nothing.
654
00:28:45,890 --> 00:28:48,309
Like I feel like guys
drive down the street
655
00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:51,312
and this is pretty much
what goes on in your mind.
656
00:28:51,396 --> 00:28:53,731
Driving down the street
just in your car...
657
00:29:02,532 --> 00:29:03,533
"Tree.
658
00:29:08,413 --> 00:29:09,456
"Tree.
659
00:29:11,249 --> 00:29:13,376
Damn, she's got big tits."
660
00:29:13,460 --> 00:29:15,837
( APPLAUSE )
661
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,506
But then that's
pretty much it.
662
00:29:18,590 --> 00:29:19,716
Right? If there's no emotion,
it's just like thing,
663
00:29:19,799 --> 00:29:25,388
thing, stuff, thing,
thing, stuff, thing.
664
00:29:25,472 --> 00:29:28,224
But for me to drive down
that same street, nightmare.
665
00:29:28,308 --> 00:29:29,017
Stress.
666
00:29:29,100 --> 00:29:30,977
Memories, emotions,
triggering.
667
00:29:31,060 --> 00:29:33,396
So much drama.
668
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:34,856
For me to drive down
that same street, it's like,
669
00:29:34,939 --> 00:29:38,485
( DEEP BREATH )
670
00:29:38,568 --> 00:29:39,861
Oh my God, look at that tree.
671
00:29:39,944 --> 00:29:41,863
My ex-boyfriend
had a tree in his yard.
672
00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:43,698
Oh my God!
673
00:29:43,781 --> 00:29:46,242
I miss him so much.
674
00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:47,535
Oh, look at that tree.
675
00:29:47,619 --> 00:29:48,536
That tree's thinner than me.
676
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:50,288
What the fuck--
I hate trees.
677
00:29:51,289 --> 00:29:51,915
Well, who's this bitch
with the big tits?
678
00:29:51,998 --> 00:29:54,709
( GIGGLES )
679
00:29:54,792 --> 00:29:55,210
And that's just to get
to Rite-Aid.
680
00:29:55,293 --> 00:29:57,670
It's just a saga.
681
00:29:58,963 --> 00:29:59,881
You know,
I was explaining this
682
00:29:59,964 --> 00:30:00,882
to a guy friend of mine.
683
00:30:00,965 --> 00:30:03,384
I was explaining this
to a guy friend of mine
684
00:30:03,468 --> 00:30:04,636
and I was just telling him,
you know,
685
00:30:04,719 --> 00:30:05,845
that I think that being a girl
is just more of a challenge
686
00:30:05,929 --> 00:30:08,515
sometimes because we have
more to think about, you know.
687
00:30:08,598 --> 00:30:10,767
We have to worry about
all this superficial stuff--
688
00:30:10,850 --> 00:30:13,686
our, you know,
nails getting done, our hair,
689
00:30:13,770 --> 00:30:16,564
our clothes and matching
and purses and stuff.
690
00:30:16,648 --> 00:30:18,525
He's like "Yeah, yeah,
but that's not our fault.
691
00:30:18,608 --> 00:30:20,443
"That's not our fault because
women don't dress for men.
692
00:30:20,527 --> 00:30:21,903
Women dress for other women."
693
00:30:21,986 --> 00:30:24,948
Does anyone fuck--
I will fight you right now...
694
00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:28,076
All of you.
695
00:30:28,159 --> 00:30:30,286
Women do not dress
for other women.
696
00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:32,413
That's such
a ridiculous philosophy.
697
00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:33,790
Look, I've never been getting
ready putting on a miniskirt
698
00:30:33,873 --> 00:30:37,627
like yeah, my waitress tonight
is going to love this.
699
00:30:39,546 --> 00:30:41,047
Like, no, women do not dress
for other women
700
00:30:41,130 --> 00:30:43,967
and I know this because I have
girls' nights in my house.
701
00:30:44,050 --> 00:30:45,802
And when girls are alone
and no guys are around,
702
00:30:45,885 --> 00:30:48,888
we look like sea creatures.
703
00:30:49,973 --> 00:30:53,810
Okay? It looks like a pirate
ship crashed into my house.
704
00:30:53,893 --> 00:30:56,980
Okay? We all got dreadlocks,
we're wearing slankets around,
705
00:30:57,063 --> 00:31:01,609
pajama jeans, all our leg hairs
just in corn rows.
706
00:31:02,569 --> 00:31:03,903
We have our dicks
hanging out.
707
00:31:06,864 --> 00:31:07,824
If a girl comes over
with makeup on,
708
00:31:07,907 --> 00:31:08,908
I'm like, "Bitch,
go wash your face.
709
00:31:08,992 --> 00:31:10,493
Whose team are you on?"
710
00:31:11,995 --> 00:31:12,829
I do think this idea, though,
711
00:31:12,912 --> 00:31:16,291
is kind of at the root
of the philosophy
712
00:31:16,374 --> 00:31:18,585
that people think that women
don't like other women.
713
00:31:18,668 --> 00:31:19,544
I think that happens because
714
00:31:19,627 --> 00:31:22,463
when we're super dressed up
to impress a guy
715
00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:24,632
and we see each other,
we avoid each other
716
00:31:24,716 --> 00:31:25,967
because we're so embarrassed
of all the pathetic,
717
00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:28,845
desperate shit we're doing
to impress a dude.
718
00:31:28,928 --> 00:31:31,598
You know, like when I'm super
dressed up in a push-up bra
719
00:31:31,681 --> 00:31:34,767
and a mini dress and heels
and I see a group of girls,
720
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:36,686
I'm not like,
"What's up, bitches?
721
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:38,813
I don't think you're ready
for this jelly."
722
00:31:40,732 --> 00:31:42,358
No! When I see
a group of girls,
723
00:31:42,442 --> 00:31:44,110
I'm so humiliated
at all the dumb,
724
00:31:44,193 --> 00:31:47,947
slutty shit I'm doing,
I'm like, "Oh God, hi.
725
00:31:48,031 --> 00:31:49,782
"Um...
726
00:31:49,866 --> 00:31:50,908
"I know this is bad.
727
00:31:50,992 --> 00:31:55,538
"It's just that he's
really shallow and um,
728
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:57,999
"I'm in my 30's now,
so I've got to make a move,
729
00:31:58,082 --> 00:31:58,833
"you know what I mean...
730
00:31:58,916 --> 00:32:02,003
and he's got a 401k--
you get it."
731
00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:07,216
I don't like that idea
732
00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:08,509
that women don't like
other women.
733
00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:09,469
I don't think that's true.
734
00:32:09,552 --> 00:32:11,387
I just think that women
support other women
735
00:32:11,471 --> 00:32:12,430
when it really counts.
736
00:32:12,513 --> 00:32:14,515
You know, we come in
and have each other's back
737
00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:15,433
when it really counts--
738
00:32:15,516 --> 00:32:17,518
like when we go to
the bathroom together.
739
00:32:17,602 --> 00:32:18,353
You want to know
what's going on in there?
740
00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:20,647
There's one girl
having a bad night,
741
00:32:20,730 --> 00:32:22,690
a bunch of bitches
who have never met each other
742
00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:24,984
in their lives
are like soldiers at war,
743
00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:28,154
nursing each other's wounds.
744
00:32:28,237 --> 00:32:30,573
One girl is on the floor--
I'm like, all right,
745
00:32:30,657 --> 00:32:31,532
pull those Spanx up.
746
00:32:31,616 --> 00:32:33,493
Somebody get a Band-Aid
for that blister.
747
00:32:33,576 --> 00:32:34,994
Someone-- her eyebrow
just melted off--
748
00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:37,038
gotta get a Sharpie
to draw that shit back on.
749
00:32:37,121 --> 00:32:39,874
All right, someone get some
Super Glue for those eye lashes.
750
00:32:39,957 --> 00:32:41,000
Her hair extensions
just fell out--
751
00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:41,918
someone get a stapler
752
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:44,045
to staple that horsehair
back on her head.
753
00:32:44,128 --> 00:32:46,547
Now, bitch, you wipe
the tears off your tits
754
00:32:46,631 --> 00:32:48,716
and you listen to me
right now.
755
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:49,884
You're going to
go back out there,
756
00:32:49,967 --> 00:32:51,844
put a smile on your face
and pretend he's interesting.
757
00:32:51,928 --> 00:32:53,638
Go!
758
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:58,810
( APPLAUSE )
Thank you!
759
00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:07,068
I don't like that at all.
760
00:33:07,151 --> 00:33:09,821
I think when women are nasty
with other women,
761
00:33:09,904 --> 00:33:10,738
it's much more subtle,
762
00:33:10,822 --> 00:33:12,615
like it's much more
insidious, you know.
763
00:33:12,699 --> 00:33:13,074
Like I have this girlfriend,
every time I see her,
764
00:33:13,157 --> 00:33:14,075
she'd be like,
765
00:33:14,158 --> 00:33:19,580
"Hey, hooker.
's up, slut?"
766
00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:21,708
Which that's never
going to feel good, you know?
767
00:33:21,791 --> 00:33:23,543
But to me it's just a reminder
that I think we need to stop
768
00:33:23,626 --> 00:33:25,753
using the word hooker
as a pejorative term.
769
00:33:25,837 --> 00:33:26,963
I have a lot of respect
for hookers.
770
00:33:27,046 --> 00:33:28,881
I think they work very hard
and they do a lot of the jobs
771
00:33:28,965 --> 00:33:30,925
that we don't
want to fucking do.
772
00:33:31,008 --> 00:33:33,428
( APPLAUSE )
773
00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:36,139
They are cleaning up
a lot of messes out there.
774
00:33:36,222 --> 00:33:38,474
They are American heroes.
775
00:33:42,019 --> 00:33:42,729
I also think
hookers look at us
776
00:33:42,812 --> 00:33:44,105
like we're the idiots,
you know?
777
00:33:44,188 --> 00:33:46,607
They look at us
and they're like,
778
00:33:46,691 --> 00:33:49,068
"Those bitches
are having sex for free?
779
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,071
What a bunch
of fuckin' whores."
780
00:33:54,657 --> 00:33:57,493
( GIGGLES )
781
00:33:58,995 --> 00:33:59,996
So silly.
782
00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:05,752
I don't know, man.
783
00:34:05,835 --> 00:34:06,878
I feel like when I was
trying to figure out
784
00:34:06,961 --> 00:34:08,129
what guys were thinking about,
I came across some stuff
785
00:34:08,212 --> 00:34:10,798
that was just
too discouraging, you know.
786
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:11,632
Like I came across
an article
787
00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:12,967
that said that guys
think about sex
788
00:34:13,050 --> 00:34:15,011
at least every five minutes.
789
00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:17,180
Was that like disturbing,
right?
790
00:34:17,263 --> 00:34:20,641
Like you guys are responsible
for like really important shit
791
00:34:20,725 --> 00:34:21,768
like wars and bombs,
792
00:34:21,851 --> 00:34:25,772
and you guys can't focus
for five fucking minutes...
793
00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:28,775
Like important men
are thinking about sex
794
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:31,569
every five minutes
which is like Barack Obama
795
00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:32,653
thinks about sex
every five minutes
796
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:34,155
which probably explains
why he's always stuttering
797
00:34:34,238 --> 00:34:35,198
during his fucking speeches.
798
00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:36,991
It's like, dude,
799
00:34:37,074 --> 00:34:38,117
get your shit together,
man, you know?
800
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:39,118
But you'll see it happen.
801
00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:40,036
You'll see him
giving a speech
802
00:34:40,119 --> 00:34:43,206
and you'll see
that five-minute mark hit.
803
00:34:43,289 --> 00:34:44,332
You'll see sex
enter his mind.
804
00:34:44,415 --> 00:34:46,125
He'll be like, "We're going
to go into Afghanistan
805
00:34:46,209 --> 00:34:49,879
"and we're going to
discuss the...
806
00:34:49,962 --> 00:34:50,713
"um, we're going to,
807
00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:52,840
"ah, we're going to get
on the, uh,
808
00:34:52,924 --> 00:34:53,591
( SHUDDERS )
809
00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:54,717
Dude,
I just saw that, man.
810
00:34:54,801 --> 00:34:57,845
You were just thinking
about titties-- Afghan titties.
811
00:34:57,929 --> 00:34:59,138
I saw it happen.
812
00:35:02,391 --> 00:35:03,142
It's just concerning to me.
813
00:35:03,226 --> 00:35:04,143
I feel like
there are a lot of jobs
814
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:06,979
where you guys probably
need to focus, right?
815
00:35:07,063 --> 00:35:09,690
Like heart surgeons think
about sex every five minutes
816
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:12,151
and heart surgeries
are like five hours long,
817
00:35:12,235 --> 00:35:14,028
so that's like 60 times.
818
00:35:14,111 --> 00:35:15,696
Like you know heart surgeons
are just sitting there
819
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:16,531
looking at an open heart
820
00:35:16,614 --> 00:35:19,700
like yeah,
I'd put my dick in that.
821
00:35:20,159 --> 00:35:24,121
( GIGGLES )
822
00:35:25,998 --> 00:35:26,207
I said it.
823
00:35:29,961 --> 00:35:31,712
It's kind of weird, though,
that guys think about sex.
824
00:35:31,796 --> 00:35:34,048
Like we've accepted it so much
as a society now.
825
00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:35,216
You know,
it's so institutionalized.
826
00:35:35,299 --> 00:35:36,884
We've embraced it, you know.
827
00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:38,219
Like there's just
a restaurant called Hooters--
828
00:35:38,302 --> 00:35:40,221
that's just a restaurant.
829
00:35:40,304 --> 00:35:42,014
Whereas there would never
be a restaurant like that
830
00:35:42,098 --> 00:35:45,685
for women, you know,
called like Dongs.
831
00:35:47,103 --> 00:35:49,730
Where all the waiters
were like in Speedos and shit
832
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:52,900
because that would be
a disgusting fucking restaurant.
833
00:35:55,862 --> 00:35:57,655
Nobody would ever eat there.
834
00:35:59,115 --> 00:36:01,367
We do not want to see
your flaccid dicks in spandex--
835
00:36:01,450 --> 00:36:02,410
I gotta be honest.
836
00:36:02,493 --> 00:36:05,079
It looks like a hamster
stuck in a water balloon.
837
00:36:05,454 --> 00:36:09,917
( APPLAUSE )
838
00:36:10,001 --> 00:36:12,753
No. No.
839
00:36:12,837 --> 00:36:18,384
So it's like some weird
shitake mushroom coming out...
840
00:36:18,467 --> 00:36:21,095
It's always going up
like a snorkel.
841
00:36:21,178 --> 00:36:22,763
Like why is it up?
842
00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:23,681
Get it down there!
843
00:36:23,764 --> 00:36:26,058
It's always like on one side,
all mis--
844
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:30,354
why is it so misallocated?
845
00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:31,731
Disgusting.
846
00:36:33,316 --> 00:36:35,067
Like if there was going to be
a restaurant like that
847
00:36:35,151 --> 00:36:36,319
for women where the waiters
were dressed up
848
00:36:36,402 --> 00:36:39,947
to arouse the women
eating there,
849
00:36:40,031 --> 00:36:40,907
they would not be
in Speedos, okay?
850
00:36:40,990 --> 00:36:43,159
They'd be wearing suits,
carrying briefcases,
851
00:36:43,242 --> 00:36:46,287
holding up their perfect
credit reports.
852
00:36:49,206 --> 00:36:51,292
( GIGGLES )
853
00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:52,460
Like I feel like girls
854
00:36:52,543 --> 00:36:56,339
don't need like sex while
we're doing our jobs, you know.
855
00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:59,133
Right? Like you would never turn
on the Cooking Channel
856
00:36:59,216 --> 00:37:02,094
and see like a bunch
of shirtless dudes
857
00:37:02,178 --> 00:37:05,014
like yeah, girl,
ooh, yeah, yeah.
858
00:37:05,097 --> 00:37:08,142
Just put that butter
on the pan, girl.
859
00:37:08,225 --> 00:37:10,478
Just get it in the roast.
860
00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:14,273
I just realized I don't know
anything about cooking.
861
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:18,945
Did you see the wheels
just turning there?
862
00:37:20,363 --> 00:37:22,490
Like it wasn't even clo--
Roast?
863
00:37:22,573 --> 00:37:26,494
No one does a roast anymore.
864
00:37:26,577 --> 00:37:27,954
I'm going to work on that.
865
00:37:30,206 --> 00:37:31,791
You guys just need sex
all the time.
866
00:37:31,874 --> 00:37:33,876
Like in completely
nonsexual situations,
867
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,127
guys need sex, you know.
868
00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:36,295
Like sports,
perfect example.
869
00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:37,296
Football.
870
00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:38,381
You guys are
watching football
871
00:37:38,464 --> 00:37:40,299
and you've got these amazing
athletes on the field
872
00:37:40,383 --> 00:37:42,301
doing amazing things,
incredible.
873
00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:44,470
They're flying, they're doing
phenomenal things.
874
00:37:44,553 --> 00:37:45,471
Not enough for you.
875
00:37:45,554 --> 00:37:49,517
You still need whores
around the perimeter...
876
00:37:50,893 --> 00:37:53,020
...of the field.
877
00:37:53,104 --> 00:37:54,397
God forbid
there'd be two seconds
878
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:58,150
without a tit in the background
of something you're watching.
879
00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:02,029
Cheerleaders
crack me up, man.
880
00:38:02,113 --> 00:38:03,030
So funny to me because
881
00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:06,075
that's so obviously
a guy's idea, you know.
882
00:38:06,158 --> 00:38:07,368
Like a guy obviously
thought of that
883
00:38:07,451 --> 00:38:09,370
because the cheerleaders
still cheer
884
00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:12,456
even when their team
is fucking losing--
885
00:38:12,540 --> 00:38:13,374
they cheer.
886
00:38:13,457 --> 00:38:14,875
No real women
would ever act like that.
887
00:38:14,959 --> 00:38:15,710
If her man was
out on the field
888
00:38:15,793 --> 00:38:18,379
for five hours
on a Sunday bombing,
889
00:38:18,462 --> 00:38:20,381
she wouldn't be like
go, baby, go, go.
890
00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:22,925
She'd be like Jason,
we're leaving.
891
00:38:24,093 --> 00:38:26,345
First of all, you're
embarrassing me, okay?
892
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:28,222
Second of all,
I'm freezing cold,
893
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:30,349
I have to pee, and Target
closes in 20 minutes.
894
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:31,517
Wrap it up.
895
00:38:35,438 --> 00:38:38,065
I think I figured out
why guys like sex more.
896
00:38:38,149 --> 00:38:39,150
I think it's biological.
897
00:38:39,233 --> 00:38:40,443
I think it's because sex
is so much better for guys.
898
00:38:40,526 --> 00:38:41,902
You know, it's so much easier.
899
00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:43,279
Like for a guy--
sex is better for guys
900
00:38:43,362 --> 00:38:45,531
because it's so much easier
for you guys to have an orgasm.
901
00:38:45,614 --> 00:38:47,074
You know, like for a guy
to have an orgasm,
902
00:38:47,158 --> 00:38:50,619
it's just like--
it's like you just... ( SIGHS )
903
00:38:53,998 --> 00:38:56,292
( GROANS )
904
00:38:57,626 --> 00:38:59,253
Pretty much
all that has to happen
905
00:38:59,336 --> 00:39:02,089
is you just have to kind of
walk into something or...
906
00:39:05,634 --> 00:39:09,597
There has to be like
a drizzle out, you know.
907
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:11,390
Which, by the way, I have
narrowed down men's orgasms
908
00:39:11,474 --> 00:39:13,559
to three basic categories.
909
00:39:13,642 --> 00:39:16,395
Like there's three
basic ones...
910
00:39:16,479 --> 00:39:19,190
( HEAVY BREATHING )
911
00:39:19,648 --> 00:39:23,611
The first one is like
you just got shot in the back
912
00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:25,237
with an arrow...
913
00:39:31,577 --> 00:39:33,996
The second one
is like you're puking...
914
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:34,580
( VOMITING SOUND )
915
00:39:39,710 --> 00:39:40,753
And the third one
is a rare one,
916
00:39:40,836 --> 00:39:44,548
but it's for the guys
that are like secretly psychos
917
00:39:44,632 --> 00:39:47,968
and they hate women
and it'll come out like
918
00:39:48,052 --> 00:39:49,512
right at the finish line,
you know, like out of nowhere.
919
00:39:49,595 --> 00:39:53,140
They'll be like yeah,
I love you, I need you, yeah.
920
00:39:53,224 --> 00:39:54,975
Shut up, you dumb whore!
921
00:39:57,561 --> 00:39:59,522
I'm like, oh no!
922
00:39:59,605 --> 00:40:02,149
I thought we were in love.
923
00:40:04,568 --> 00:40:06,487
You know for a woman to have
an orgasm it is so hard--
924
00:40:06,570 --> 00:40:09,281
it is so hard
to have an orgasm.
925
00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:11,158
It's-- I cannot wait
to have one.
926
00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:11,492
I hear they're great.
927
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:16,664
I mean seriously,
for a girl to have an orgasm,
928
00:40:16,747 --> 00:40:18,457
you've got to be like--
you've got to be like focused.
929
00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:22,002
You have to be like
emotionally connected.
930
00:40:22,086 --> 00:40:23,254
You've got to be relaxed.
931
00:40:23,337 --> 00:40:26,173
You've got to be in great shape,
and it makes it even harder
932
00:40:26,257 --> 00:40:27,007
because you guys watch porn
933
00:40:27,091 --> 00:40:28,050
and you think
that the porn stars
934
00:40:28,134 --> 00:40:30,594
are having orgasms,
but they're all faking it
935
00:40:30,678 --> 00:40:32,471
and they make it look
so fucking easy.
936
00:40:32,555 --> 00:40:34,390
Like porn stars will be
just like' "Ooh, I'm coming,
937
00:40:34,473 --> 00:40:36,308
I'm coming, I'm coming."
938
00:40:39,728 --> 00:40:40,563
That's nothing.
939
00:40:40,646 --> 00:40:44,316
That's she's coming down
from a meth binge.
940
00:40:46,277 --> 00:40:47,361
Nothing's happening to her.
941
00:40:47,444 --> 00:40:48,654
I can't compete with that,
you know.
942
00:40:48,737 --> 00:40:51,031
Like if your girl
is having an orgasm,
943
00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:53,200
she's not going ooh,
I'm coming, I'm coming.
944
00:40:53,284 --> 00:40:54,034
If your girl
is having an orgasm,
945
00:40:54,118 --> 00:40:57,204
she's going'
"Do not fucking moon!"
946
00:40:58,622 --> 00:41:02,126
( YELLING ) I swear to God,
I will fucking kill you.
947
00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:03,210
Bastard! Slower.
948
00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:04,044
Tell me you love me--
949
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:05,713
you better fucking
mean it this time!
950
00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:09,717
( YELLING ) Kiss me
on the mouth, goddamnit!
951
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:12,136
( YELLING ) Pull my hair,
not the extensions!
952
00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:15,306
( YELLING ) Shut up,
you dumb whore!
953
00:41:16,390 --> 00:41:20,102
( SOBS )
954
00:41:21,687 --> 00:41:25,566
( APPLAUSE )
955
00:41:31,697 --> 00:41:32,781
Seriously, for me
to have an orgasm,
956
00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:37,578
like my right leg has to be
behind my left shoulder...
957
00:41:37,661 --> 00:41:38,579
Like you've got
a charleyhorse
958
00:41:38,662 --> 00:41:40,414
in your ass, you know.
959
00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:43,250
You got those crazy
bloodshot eyes going,
960
00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:44,335
veins in our foreheads.
961
00:41:44,418 --> 00:41:47,630
Our foreheads look like
your dicks-- just veins...
962
00:41:56,347 --> 00:41:57,223
I know it's not easy
for you guys, either.
963
00:41:57,306 --> 00:42:00,601
Now you guys have to like
do so much work.
964
00:42:00,684 --> 00:42:01,477
You guys have to hit
the same spot
965
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,563
like 500 times,
you know.
966
00:42:04,647 --> 00:42:06,732
That's why I like to be helpful
during sex, you know.
967
00:42:06,815 --> 00:42:08,567
That's why I treat sex
like the game "Operation".
968
00:42:08,651 --> 00:42:11,820
If the guy misses,
I'm just like-- ( GROANS )
969
00:42:23,832 --> 00:42:26,502
I used to be very
against porn, you know.
970
00:42:26,585 --> 00:42:28,629
I thought it was bad for women
and like degrading and shit,
971
00:42:28,712 --> 00:42:31,257
but now I kind of like it.
972
00:42:31,340 --> 00:42:33,592
Uh, because you know why--
because I watched it,
973
00:42:33,676 --> 00:42:36,470
and when I watched it,
I learned so much stuff
974
00:42:36,553 --> 00:42:38,472
that I had to be kind of
grateful for it.
975
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:39,556
I learned watching porn
976
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:43,602
that the girls in porn
they'll request to the man
977
00:42:43,686 --> 00:42:44,603
where they want him to finish
978
00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:47,731
which I didn't know
that was an option.
979
00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:52,278
See, nobody told me
that we had a vote in that.
980
00:42:52,361 --> 00:42:56,198
I've just been taking whatever
shots have been coming at me...
981
00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:58,576
since 1998--
I don't know.
982
00:42:58,659 --> 00:43:02,288
I feel like I've been storming
the shores of Normandy...
983
00:43:04,748 --> 00:43:06,709
That's a history joke.
984
00:43:08,627 --> 00:43:11,797
I don't know. Now that I know
that's an option--
985
00:43:11,880 --> 00:43:14,758
to request where you'd want
the man to finish--
986
00:43:14,842 --> 00:43:16,385
I'm ( PFFT )
I'm ready.
987
00:43:16,468 --> 00:43:17,761
Now I've got some ideas.
988
00:43:19,305 --> 00:43:21,849
Maybe like, yeah,
I really want you to come...
989
00:43:21,932 --> 00:43:23,684
In the bathroom?
990
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:27,521
You just want to
time that out--
991
00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:29,356
whatever you've
got to do to just...
992
00:43:35,529 --> 00:43:35,654
In the sink!
993
00:43:40,826 --> 00:43:41,785
I like the big one, though.
994
00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:44,705
The big one in porn
is the coming on the face.
995
00:43:44,788 --> 00:43:45,706
That's the big one, right?
996
00:43:45,789 --> 00:43:47,833
( INHALES )
Yeah.
997
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,962
Let's talk about it.
998
00:43:53,922 --> 00:43:54,965
Like I really think
that as a society
999
00:43:55,049 --> 00:43:58,844
we kind of need to discuss
why we like this so much,
1000
00:43:58,927 --> 00:44:02,389
you know, and why you guys
think that we like love it.
1001
00:44:02,473 --> 00:44:05,351
Like who told you
that we like need it?
1002
00:44:05,434 --> 00:44:08,771
No, nobody ever wants this
to happen to them.
1003
00:44:08,854 --> 00:44:11,398
If a girl asks you
to come on her face,
1004
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:13,776
it's because she thinks you're
going to breakup with her.
1005
00:44:15,652 --> 00:44:17,821
Always buys you at least
another month or so.
1006
00:44:19,656 --> 00:44:21,950
My problem with it is
like the second it's over.
1007
00:44:22,034 --> 00:44:23,202
You know, I try to be fun.
1008
00:44:23,285 --> 00:44:24,745
You know while it's happening
I can get into it, you know,
1009
00:44:24,828 --> 00:44:25,746
because while it's happening
1010
00:44:25,829 --> 00:44:29,291
you can be like yeah,
yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah.
1011
00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:30,751
Look at us.
Yeah, hit me, hit me.
1012
00:44:30,834 --> 00:44:33,420
Yeah, ooh, yeah.
1013
00:44:33,504 --> 00:44:34,588
We are so crazy.
1014
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:36,882
We are wild and crazy...
1015
00:44:58,529 --> 00:45:00,739
Can I get like a towel
or something?
1016
00:45:02,825 --> 00:45:04,910
Or maybe like
a baby wipe or some--
1017
00:45:04,993 --> 00:45:05,911
or maybe like a pick ax
1018
00:45:05,994 --> 00:45:07,955
because now
it's turned to stone.
1019
00:45:08,038 --> 00:45:10,916
I can't open my fucking eyes.
1020
00:45:10,999 --> 00:45:11,959
He's not going to help you.
1021
00:45:12,042 --> 00:45:13,710
He's too busy taking photos
to send his friends.
1022
00:45:19,425 --> 00:45:20,592
You guys are animals.
1023
00:45:21,885 --> 00:45:22,636
But I get why guys
watch porn.
1024
00:45:22,719 --> 00:45:23,804
I get it now
because it's so obvious.
1025
00:45:23,887 --> 00:45:25,722
It's just that
naked women are hot.
1026
00:45:25,806 --> 00:45:27,808
All naked women are hot.
1027
00:45:27,891 --> 00:45:30,644
You know, there's so much
to look at, yeah.
1028
00:45:30,727 --> 00:45:32,479
It's disgusting of you.
1029
00:45:32,563 --> 00:45:33,605
You're with a date, man.
1030
00:45:33,689 --> 00:45:34,940
That's going to be a fight.
1031
00:45:35,023 --> 00:45:35,941
But, right?
1032
00:45:36,024 --> 00:45:36,733
All boobs and butts--
1033
00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:39,486
they all look amazing,
you know?
1034
00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:40,571
That's why you guys
watch porn.
1035
00:45:40,654 --> 00:45:43,824
Girls don't watch porn as much
because naked guys--
1036
00:45:43,907 --> 00:45:44,950
uck!
1037
00:45:46,076 --> 00:45:46,869
Such a bummer, you know.
1038
00:45:46,952 --> 00:45:47,995
It's just such a--
1039
00:45:48,078 --> 00:45:51,957
this whole Wes Craven
situation you got going on--
1040
00:45:52,040 --> 00:45:55,669
it's just disgusting,
you know.
1041
00:45:55,752 --> 00:45:57,379
It's a lot--
it's a lot to take.
1042
00:45:57,463 --> 00:45:59,673
Because like when a dick
comes on the screen,
1043
00:45:59,756 --> 00:46:01,967
we're not like yeah,
"Look at that dick.
1044
00:46:02,050 --> 00:46:03,969
Yeah, I want that dick."
1045
00:46:04,052 --> 00:46:07,014
No. When a dick comes
on the screen,
1046
00:46:07,097 --> 00:46:08,765
we're like, "Oh,
there's a dick.
1047
00:46:17,941 --> 00:46:18,734
"What's it doing?
1048
00:46:20,110 --> 00:46:20,736
"What's the dick doing?
Does it see me?
1049
00:46:20,819 --> 00:46:21,904
Does the dick see me?"
1050
00:46:23,113 --> 00:46:27,576
Like there's just nothing
attractive about it, you know.
1051
00:46:27,659 --> 00:46:29,119
Like dicks are so ugly...
1052
00:46:31,121 --> 00:46:33,373
...that the second
you guys are born,
1053
00:46:33,457 --> 00:46:34,875
someone has to cut
some of it off.
1054
00:46:37,085 --> 00:46:39,838
( APPLAUSE )
1055
00:46:39,922 --> 00:46:42,925
To make it even somewhat
presentable to society.
1056
00:46:44,009 --> 00:46:46,887
You guys love your dicks
though, man, you love them.
1057
00:46:46,970 --> 00:46:48,472
You're going yeah!
1058
00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:51,058
Dicks!
1059
00:46:51,141 --> 00:46:53,685
You guys walk around,
you lead with it.
1060
00:46:53,769 --> 00:46:55,896
Lead with it, just walking
around, just letting it go.
1061
00:46:55,979 --> 00:46:59,066
Yeah, just loving my dick.
1062
00:46:59,149 --> 00:47:00,817
You know when you guys
are alone, you're just like...
1063
00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:17,042
You guys walk around
so proud of it.
1064
00:47:17,125 --> 00:47:19,044
You guys walk around like
you got a first place trophy
1065
00:47:19,127 --> 00:47:20,796
in-between your legs.
1066
00:47:21,797 --> 00:47:22,673
I got news for you--
1067
00:47:22,756 --> 00:47:24,550
it doesn't look like
a first place trophy.
1068
00:47:25,300 --> 00:47:26,969
Looks like an old yam.
1069
00:47:29,972 --> 00:47:30,931
Have you seen it?
1070
00:47:31,014 --> 00:47:32,057
Have you-- you know what--
no, you haven't seen it
1071
00:47:32,140 --> 00:47:35,811
because your hand
is always on it.
1072
00:47:36,061 --> 00:47:39,606
You've never actually
seen it before.
1073
00:47:41,858 --> 00:47:42,776
Always touchin' it.
1074
00:47:42,859 --> 00:47:44,778
Always touchin' it,
touchin' it, touchin' it.
1075
00:47:44,861 --> 00:47:47,239
What do you-- what are you do--
Are you cleaning it off,
1076
00:47:47,322 --> 00:47:50,534
like are you trying to get
three wishes out of it?
1077
00:47:51,952 --> 00:47:52,911
Leave it alone.
1078
00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:56,164
Just let it just dry off.
1079
00:47:59,084 --> 00:47:59,835
You know what that means,
right?
1080
00:47:59,918 --> 00:48:01,003
You're always touching
your dicks.
1081
00:48:01,086 --> 00:48:02,004
You know what that means--
you got dick on your hands--
1082
00:48:02,087 --> 00:48:03,046
all of you.
1083
00:48:03,130 --> 00:48:05,632
You have dick, dick, dick,
dick, dicking hands.
1084
00:48:05,716 --> 00:48:06,842
All of you.
1085
00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:09,177
You see guys know that.
1086
00:48:09,261 --> 00:48:10,137
Guys are in on it.
1087
00:48:10,220 --> 00:48:11,179
That's why guys are
always giving each other
1088
00:48:11,263 --> 00:48:12,723
the fist pump.
1089
00:48:15,058 --> 00:48:17,185
They know, you know.
1090
00:48:19,271 --> 00:48:20,147
Did you ever see two guys
walk towards each other?
1091
00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:22,649
Like hey man, what's up, man?
Yeah, yeah.
1092
00:48:22,733 --> 00:48:23,609
Oh, yeah, yeah.
1093
00:48:23,692 --> 00:48:24,192
I've been touching
my dick today, too, man.
1094
00:48:27,362 --> 00:48:28,655
Yeah, we both got dicks.
1095
00:48:28,739 --> 00:48:29,406
We got dicks.
1096
00:48:30,198 --> 00:48:31,074
Like that's like
your whole day.
1097
00:48:31,158 --> 00:48:37,164
Just like eh, eh, eh,
eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
1098
00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:48,634
That's the trick.
That is the trick of dating
1099
00:48:48,717 --> 00:48:49,676
is that when you get
back out there,
1100
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,304
you've got to see all these
new dicks, you know?
1101
00:48:52,387 --> 00:48:54,806
I know, it's a lot.
1102
00:48:54,890 --> 00:48:56,058
Like when you live
with someone for awhile
1103
00:48:56,141 --> 00:48:56,933
or you're married,
1104
00:48:57,017 --> 00:48:58,852
you get used to
their dick, you know?
1105
00:48:58,935 --> 00:48:59,478
It's like it grows on you.
1106
00:48:59,561 --> 00:49:01,355
It's like a basset hound--
1107
00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:03,857
like it's ugly
but it's yours.
1108
00:49:05,233 --> 00:49:06,985
You know.
1109
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:12,366
It'll come over and like
hey, what are you doing?
1110
00:49:13,742 --> 00:49:15,786
You're like hi, dick,
what's u-up?
1111
00:49:16,745 --> 00:49:17,663
Do you want to hang out?
1112
00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:19,164
No, not really.
1113
00:49:19,247 --> 00:49:20,123
But when you're single,
1114
00:49:20,207 --> 00:49:22,042
man, you've got to see
all these new dicks.
1115
00:49:22,125 --> 00:49:23,043
You know, you've got to,
1116
00:49:23,126 --> 00:49:26,129
you've got to really
get in there, you know.
1117
00:49:26,213 --> 00:49:27,756
But the problem is
when you see a new dick
1118
00:49:27,839 --> 00:49:28,632
because every new dick
1119
00:49:28,715 --> 00:49:33,845
is a whole new set
of WebMD searches.
1120
00:49:33,929 --> 00:49:35,222
You know. You've got to
inspect the new ones.
1121
00:49:35,305 --> 00:49:36,348
You've got to make sure
everything's legit.
1122
00:49:36,431 --> 00:49:38,767
You've got to make sure
everything's, you know, safe.
1123
00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:40,394
You know,
but the problem is
1124
00:49:40,477 --> 00:49:43,063
when you get that close
to a dick,
1125
00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:45,065
( SIGHS ) you're
that close to a dick.
1126
00:49:46,441 --> 00:49:49,695
You know what happens when
you're that close to a dick.
1127
00:49:49,778 --> 00:49:51,738
Yeah.
1128
00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:53,407
You've got to put that thing
in your mouth.
1129
00:49:55,492 --> 00:49:57,327
And it's not
because we want to--
1130
00:49:57,411 --> 00:50:00,747
it's because something happens
when a woman's face
1131
00:50:00,831 --> 00:50:04,793
is within like a foot
of a man's dick
1132
00:50:04,876 --> 00:50:06,044
where a hand
will come down...
1133
00:50:07,129 --> 00:50:10,924
( GROANS AND GRUNTS )
1134
00:50:12,175 --> 00:50:14,803
And you can't get out--
it moves with you.
1135
00:50:16,179 --> 00:50:18,765
( GROANS AND GRUNTS )
1136
00:50:18,849 --> 00:50:19,141
Oh shit!
1137
00:50:19,224 --> 00:50:23,353
( GROANS )
1138
00:50:25,897 --> 00:50:27,315
Fine!
1139
00:50:30,193 --> 00:50:32,821
That is so rude!
1140
00:50:34,197 --> 00:50:36,742
Man, I don't mean to be
mean about it--
1141
00:50:36,825 --> 00:50:37,534
I just feel like
you guys don't see it
1142
00:50:37,617 --> 00:50:39,411
from our perspective,
you know.
1143
00:50:39,494 --> 00:50:41,246
You don't see what we see.
1144
00:50:41,329 --> 00:50:42,122
You know,
we've got to see
1145
00:50:42,205 --> 00:50:44,958
this super weird
transformation happen
1146
00:50:45,041 --> 00:50:47,085
that is so creepy,
you know.
1147
00:50:47,169 --> 00:50:48,128
Here's the thing--
1148
00:50:48,211 --> 00:50:55,469
anything that changes
in shape, size, and color
1149
00:50:55,552 --> 00:50:59,264
without your permission
is a little fucking weird.
1150
00:50:59,347 --> 00:51:00,307
You know.
1151
00:51:00,390 --> 00:51:02,017
Like from our point of view,
it is terrifying.
1152
00:51:02,100 --> 00:51:03,852
Like this is what it looks like
from our point of view,
1153
00:51:03,935 --> 00:51:04,853
just so you guys know.
1154
00:51:04,936 --> 00:51:08,148
Okay, it'll start out
1155
00:51:08,231 --> 00:51:09,274
just hanging, chilling.
1156
00:51:11,234 --> 00:51:14,070
You're touchin' it,
touchin' it.
1157
00:51:20,535 --> 00:51:21,161
Then you're like--
1158
00:51:21,244 --> 00:51:24,247
it'll hear like a noise or...
1159
00:51:30,378 --> 00:51:32,255
Um?
1160
00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:49,064
( APPLAUSE )
1161
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:54,027
"Would you like to play?"
1162
00:51:55,904 --> 00:51:57,322
I love you guys.
Thank you so much
1163
00:51:57,405 --> 00:52:00,867
for coming down
for the show, everybody.
1164
00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:01,868
Thank you.
1165
00:52:01,952 --> 00:52:03,411
( APPLAUSE )
1166
00:52:03,495 --> 00:52:06,248
( WHISTLES )
1167
00:52:39,281 --> 00:52:42,367
I just want to say I really
appreciate you guys coming out.
1168
00:52:42,450 --> 00:52:44,536
Standup is my favorite thing
to do in the world
1169
00:52:44,619 --> 00:52:45,453
and I do it for you guys.
1170
00:52:45,537 --> 00:52:48,081
So, thank you so much
for supporting me.
1171
00:52:48,164 --> 00:52:50,208
I love you very much.
1172
00:52:50,292 --> 00:52:53,879
( APPLAUSE )
1173
00:52:53,962 --> 00:52:56,965
( MUSIC PLAYING )
1174
00:52:57,215 --> 00:52:59,301
Bye, everybody.
1175
00:55:10,473 --> 00:55:12,517
( MUSIC FADES OUT )
82843
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof