All language subtitles for Broadway.The.Golden.Age,.By.The.Legends.Who.Were.There.2003.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]ENGENG

¶¶¶

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[beep]

[woman] Attention students:

Reminder that the upcoming test
will determine your eligibility

for any job in your future.

I best recommend studying.

[beep]

[woman] All right.
Settle down, enough chitchat.

You out there watching,
wherever you are, you shush too.

Welcome to Puffs:
Live Off-Broadway.

And welcome to a Certain
School of Magic and Magic.

A few announcements.

First off, in case
you are not aware,

Puffs is a play,

a play that has been filmed

but just because you may
not be in a theater watching--

Stop it!

[woman] --this theatrical
performance does not mean

you can't have all the
fun that comes with.

So please unwrap your candies
now and if you find yourself
in need of using the loo,

be sure to make
a big show of it.

Now sit back, relax,
extend your ears

and enjoy Puffs.
[whispering] Puffs.

Puffs. Puffs. Puffs. Puffs.

[ting]

Heroes made, not born,

except sometimes they are born
on a gloomy night in a faraway
magical land called England.

Oh, a giant or a baby.

His parents dead but he lives.
He is the boy who lives.

He has a scar on his forehead

shaped like, well, you know,

-you get it.
-[audience laughs]

You are familiar with this boy,
hmm. Well, forget about him.

Goodbye.

This story is not about him.

Ah! Another orphan.
His parents also dead,

killed in a freak chocolate frog
accident. Please, don't ask.

This boy was whisked away
to live with his uncle in the
even more magical land of

Cattlepoke Springs,
New Mexico.

Hee ha. Oh no!

-Well, the boy grows up.
-[audience laughs]

And up until a few weeks ago,
he's now eleven-year-old boy

with only the regular
problems of a child in 1991.

Oh man.

[audience laughs]

Uncle Dave, a bird just
flew into our living room
and dropped a letter

that says I am a wizard
and I need to go to
school in England.

[Dave] What kind of bird?

An owl, I think.

Oh my God, I forgot to tell you.

You're a wizard, Wayne.

Also, wizards exist.
And you are one, ha ha,

just like your British parents.
Oh, shit, your parents
were British.

Wow, we got to talk more.
Come on, I'll drive you
to the airport.

And before he knew it,
after a confusing train
station experience--

[train whistling]

Oh, Wayne found himself
in the gates of a certain
school of female magic

and male magic
where he would spend
the next seven years.

Tonight, we'll be taking
an incredibly in-depth
look at those seven years

over the next five hours
but into two parts. What?

Ninety-ish minutes!

Oh!

Tonight, we'll be taking a
look at those seven years.

Seven years that were
in one word eventful.

It begins as these stories
tend to begin, with a sorting.

Finnigan, Seamus.

[audience laughs]

[male voice] Brave.

Goldstein Anthony.

[male voice] Smart.

-It just says Goyle.
-Goyle.

[male voice] Snake.

Granger Hermione.

[audience laughs]

Question. Hypothetical.

What if I don't have enough
of a personality for the magical
talking hat to sort me?

Like-- like how much authority
does the hat actually have?

Never mind.

This place is pretty crazy, huh?
I never thought I'd go to school
in a castle. Pretty cool.

I never really liked regular
school. People were mean

to me.

I'm sorry, I'm talking too much.
You probably have all your own
nervous thoughts going on.

Can I tell you something?
I think I might be special.

I mean, I watch a lot
of movies and read a
lot of books and it's like

normal boy finds out that he
actually has amazing abilities

and gets sucked away
to a new magical world.

Does that sound familiar?

Because that is now
my actual life.

And the kids with some
incredible circumstance
always ends up becoming

like the most important
person, like, in the whole
world, a sort of chosen one.

Magic is real and this orphan
boy wizard is ready for seven
years of amazing adventures.

[woman clears throat]
Mister Potter.

Oh, excuse me.

[audience laughs]

Oh, no hat, not that,
anything but that, please.

[male voice] Brave.

Oh, another one.

Student.

-Wayne Hopkins.
-Sure, come up here.

[audience laughs]

[loud noise]

[man] Boo!

The pops. Spoiler alert!

Not everyone's favorite, but
when a hat speaks, you listen.

And the new recruits
were quickly whisked away

to a quaint little basement
somewhere near the kitchens.

Welcome to what
I like to call year one,

the Puffs and the
Sorcerer's attempt at earning
points and making friends.

Guys, guess what,
we are all wizards.

Yes.

Oh, we shall
introduce ourselves.

My name is J. Finch-Fletchley.
I am boyish and fun.

Hi.

I'm Susie Bones.
Once upon a time my entire
family was murdered,

except for my aunt.

Hi.

I'm Wayne. I've read
The Silmarillion twice.

Hi.

I'm Sally Perks and
I go to this school.

Hi.

Who's that?

Oh, it's me, Ernie Mac.
I'm basically the best, so. Hey.

Hi.

Who's that?

It's me, Hannah.

I'm Hannah.

Hi.

I was recently camping with
my grandparents and you're
the first other children

that I've ever seen. And I'm a
wizard. And my name is Leanne.

Hi.

I'm Oliver Rivers and
I'm just here to keep

my head down and get a
fundamental understanding
of wizarding basics.

Hi.

Megan Jones.

Yup, that's right. Just so we're
clear, I'm not like you, any of
you. So, leave me alone.

-Hi.
-Shhh!

My name is Cedric.

¶¶¶

[all cheering]

[laughing]

Folks, start gathering
around, don't be shy.

Welcome to the Puffs!

Hi.

Just a few things to get you
acquainted to the school.

First, the stairs move.

[gasping]

Don't freak out, just breathe.

Second, the Puffs don't exactly
have the best reputation here.

-People will make jokes
about you, throw food at you.
-Oh!

-Oh!
-They might curse you.

Uh!

In fact, here is a list
of curses you can
expect to be hit by

at some point in the next week.

[gasp]

Oh!

But none of that matters
because really we're
a bunch of nice,

fun, happy people,
also badges.

[audience laughs]

Badges are great.

That being said, there's
something very important
we need to discuss.

What do you think
the most important part
of magic school is?

-Learning magic.
-Wrong.

The House Cup.

Here, you earn points for
doing something right.

[ting]

You lose them for doing
something wrong.

[low trumpet noise]

Puffs have come in last place
in the House Cup for... ever.

But together we are going
to change that.

This year we're going to win.

Oh, we're going to get second.

Oh!

We're going to get third!

Third or nothing.

Third or nothing!

Third or nothing!

Third or nothing!

Whoever gets the most
points, they'd be a real hero.

Me?

Maybe.

[audience laughs]

Well, I'm off to bed.

Oh, if Cedric is going
to bed, I'm going to bed
too. J Finch, out.

-Okay!
-Really good idea.

So, it's official!

The next seven years
are going to suck. You
believe this group of dingbats?

I thought everyone seemed nice.

You're talking to me?
You're not running away?

Why would we do that?

Everyone knows my mom
worked for you-know-who.

Who?

The Dark Lord.

-Who?
-Whatever, the guy
was a super evil wizard.

There are evil wizards?

Yes. And my mom was one
of his most feared followers.

I warn you.
I'm just as badass as her.

Megan, our beds are stacked
on top of each other magically.

It's a bunkbed!

-We're wizards.
-Argh!

[audience laughs]

I'm going to go hang out with
the snakes where I belong.

You can't leave,
you might lose points.

Watch me!

[low trumpet noise]

You new to all this too?

-Yes, all of it.
You're not British.
-No. New Jersey.

My-- my family just moved
to England back in May
so they could be closer

to me when I started at
the Mathematical Institute
at Oxford this semester.

-But you're eleven.
-Oh,

I know, I've sort of been
called a math savant but that's

not important now.
Now I'm just a wizard.

A beginner level wizard.

You don't think ending
up here means we're already
bad at wizarding, right?

I'm not used to
being bad at school.

We just have to focus on earning
those points and the rest
will take care of itself.

I mean, it's just magic.

How hard can it possibly be?

-[bell rings]
-I'm so excited.

Sit, everyone.

[audience laughs]

Now, you are here
to learn the art

of potion tomato.

-Puffs.
-Hi.

Can anyone tell me

what is a potion?

Oh, it's what you put on your
skin to make it feel soft.

No. That's lotion.

It's that place
where all the fishes live.

Wrong. That's the ocean.

[audience laughs]

It's a starchy root vegetable.

You mean a potato.

[audience laughs]

It is magic liquid.

You're the most dunned-headed
students I've ever
seen sit in my class.

If you manage
to succeed in my class,

I will eat... sh!

Ten points from the Puffs.

[low trumpet noise]

I ate tissue once and
it didn't taste good
but it didn't taste bad.

Class dismissed.

-Transfiguration.
-[bell rings]

The art of-- oh Puffs.

-Hi.
-Yes, hello.

We are going to turn
things into other things.

Just go crazy.

-Yes.
-Oh, Mister Rivers, oh dear,

your wand technique
is all wrong.

-Here, you get to use
the training wand.
-[audience laughs]

Five points from the Puffs.

[low trumpet noise]

[stuttering] Defense
against the--

[whispering voice] Ya!

You will pay for this insolence.

-[Puff] Where did that
voice come from?
-Ten points from the Puffs!

-[low trumpet noise]
-[Puffs] Oh!

Oh, is there a math class?
Please tell me next
is math class.

Next we have something
called herbology.
I hope it's not scary.

-Or confusing.
-Class,

we are going
to look at plants.

Yay, plants!

Okay. I will admit, with
the exception of herbology,
which is awesome,

this isn't easy.

Well, maybe we should just
go sit in our room and hide

for seven years, so we
don't lose any more points.

It's only the first day.
Besides, we have our
first flying lesson

right after the Braves
who are going now.

If you want it so bad,
you'll have to catch it.

Oh, I did it, I caught the ball.
I did it. Whoa.

Potter, what's a blithering
whimper snatch.

What are you two
broom-heads looking at?
Eat slug!

[laughing]

Vomiting slugs.
What would the plants say?
Fifty points from the Puffs.

[low trumpet noise]

You've just been malfoyed!

Wizard school is just
like regular school.

Oh, sad.

But now you know I think
it's time for something
a bit more festive.

Whoa! It's the Halloween
feast! J. Finch approved.

¶¶¶

Hey, Megan.

Oliver, where have you been?

Sorry, I have been working
on charms, I think.
I've got it. Essentional!

[whimpering]

[low trumpet noise]

Oh, I can't lose any
more points, Wayne. Everyone
hates us enough already.

Look, it's Halloween.
Let's just sit back, relax,
and hope nothing bad happens.

[long play scratching]

Troll, in the dungeon!

Puffs emergency
formation number four!

We are not a threat,
please be our friend.

[man] There we go.

Wait, Ron! I just had a thought.

Hermione! Yes I know that
Ron, but she doesn't
know about the Troll

and we have to go save her.

Meanwhile, in the
Puff common room.

We are not a threat,
please be our friend.

It's going to kill us all.

No. Somebody told me it
was my long-lost twin sister.

No, I get it, they
were bullying me.

J. Finch, you're
too young to die.

Everyone, everyone, calm down.
We are safe in our basement.

This will be the only time
our lives will ever be
in danger here ever.

[audience laughs]

Now, I am off to bed.

Oh...

Wait, Oliver, Megan's not here.

Oh, no! Does she need to
be saved or something?

No, she's probably out
there losing points.
We have to stop her.

I'm sorry, we?

It's up to all of us to
protect those points.

This is it, Oliver, the
points are how to
become heroes. Let's go!

[Megan] Wow, that corridor is
full of some horrifying stuff.

Oh, that's why it's
forbidden. I get it.

[audience laughs]

Whoa, weird mirror.

Whoa, demon mirror!

Boo!

Hey, I've told you not to
sneak up on me like that.

Hello, a Fat Friar.

Megan, you can just say
Friar. And what are you doing
all alone on Halloween?

Shouldn't you be
with your friends?

Friends? You're like the only
person that talks to me.

Oh, my wizard god, I just
realized how pathetic that is.

-Ouch, my self-esteem.
-It's just like

come on mom, break out
of wizard prison already

and come rescue
me from this hell hole.

Please. I wonder
what she's doing.

I'd like to take this moment
to formally introduce
you to Xavier Joe,

a Puff, a dark wizard.

They say few that have
crossed their path
and lived to tell the tale.

And I mean look at her,
she looks pretty crazy.

But lucky for us,
she is locked away in an
inescapable wizard prison

and will probably never get out.

Probably.

[audience laughs]

Anyways, maybe you'd
like to play whiz checkers.

-Perhaps those two sneaky boys
over there would like to join.
-[screaming]

-[Oliver] Run for your life!
-Get out here now.

So, you followed me
Hopkins? Spying on me?
Turning on my dorky past?

-No, we were just
trying to find you.
-To protect you from the Troll.

And to make sure you didn't
lose any more points.

Do I look like I need protection
from the two of you?

Wait, a Troll? Oh, where?
I want it as a pet!

Megan, this is why you
don't have any friends.

[audience laughs]

-Shut up, Fatty.
-Self-esteem.

[audience laughs]

These two are going to get what
they deserve. Hmm. what would my
mom do in a situation like this?

I think she'd torture you.
Prepare to meet your doom!

No, wait, wait, wait, what if--
what if-- what if instead
of torturing us we just all

hung out like friends?

-[Megan] Excuse me?
-What? Stop already!

Yeah. We are all kind of the
worst people at the school.

Why not be the worst together?

Megan shouldn't
have to be alone just
because her mom is evil.

Hey, I think it's cool you
hang out with Mister Friar.

Hey, Mister Friar. I like it.

Right, Oliver?

Yeah, we can hang out
with the Fat Friar too.

-Oh, my self-esteem!
-[audience laughs]

You promise this isn't a joke?

I promise. Us Puffs
have to stick together.

I am not a Puff.
The Hat got it wrong.

-I am the most not Puffiest
person you'll ever meet, got it?
-Got it.

Got it.

How about letting us go?

I guess.

I dub you friends.

Is that how this works?

I don't have friends.

[Friar] Sure.

Okay, great.
Glad we settled that.

Now we should probably get out
of here. If we get caught, we
would lose so many points.

Students caught lurking while
a Troll is about. The plants
will be so disappointed.

Oh, wait, I was hunting the
Troll so I could shove
my wand up its nose

and I don't know, murder it.

-But these two friends taught
me the error of my ways.
-Mm.

-Fifty points to the Puffs each.
-[tings]

The plants love life lessons.
So, goodnight.

Yes!

Guys, I think this is the start
of something really great.

-[Wayne] Oh, weird mirror.
-Yes, a weird mirror

with the power
to show the greatest
desire of the onlooker's heart.

You know one must wonder
what these three would
see whilst looking in it.

I am being handed a medal.

I saved all the wizards.
I'm a hero. I'm the hero.

And I made the Puffs the best
most important house forever.

And I have a light saber!

[audience laughs]

I finally do it, a brand new
theorem that makes
differential calculus

look like trigonometry
for dum-dums. Awesome.

-I don't see anything.
-[Oliver] That's weird.
You sure?

I don't want to cut this short
but we probably should
get out of here.

Yes. What do you think
this mirror is?

Maybe it's the future.
That must be our future!
We're going to be so cool!

But what did Miss Jones
see in her reflection? Well--

My mom. She wants to go
somewhere far away, just us.

The future, huh? All right!

Whoa! How did this
rock get in there?

Oh my, suddenly
I am obligated to tell

you that this was not
the only lifelong friendship
forged on October 31, 1991.

Well, you two, it looks like
we are going to be
real good mates forever.

We get it!

[audience laughs]

Jesus Merlin Christ,
some people.

Lumos!

Lumos!

Lumos!

It's in the way you move your
wrist, like a little circle.

Lumos!

Wayne, right?

Yes, yeah. Yes, yeah.

Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes. Hi, Cedric.

Listen, man, winning all
of those points, pretty cool.

You really started something.
Everyone is earning
points now, look.

-Repeto!
-[ting]

-Alohomora!
-[ting]

Olive Guardian Leviosa.

-No! It's Olive
Guardian Leviosaaa!
-[repeated tings]

We're wizards.

We are moving up!
I think we're finally
going to do it this year.

Third place.

Cedric.

Third place.

[audience laughs]

Oh, Cedric thinks I'm cool.
I feel like I could do
anything right now. Lumos!

Guess I'll go watch
the sports game.

[voice] Sports! For those
joining us, the players
are trying to throw the ball

through the hoops to
score points. But don't get
hit by those other balls.

Oh, he got the ball. Wow!

Game over and the
Puffs lose in their shortest
game ever. How sad.

Students, gather around.
Yes, yes, another year.

What a year it has been.

And now the House
Cup needs awarding.

In fourth place,
the Braves with 312 points.
In third place, the Puff.

-Can I hear a third place?
-Third place!

¶ Third or nothing
That's who we are ¶

-[long play scratching]
-Yes, yes, well done, snakes.

However, recent events
must be taken into account.

Now you may find
yourselves asking can he
give out more points now?

Well, yes, yes he can.

And so, the headmaster
ended up dishing out
a couple of extra points

for some questionable
accomplishments.

A chess game?

-Logic? Pure nerve?
-[tings]

-Standing up to friends?
-[ting]

And so, it seems we need
a change of decoration.

Ha ha! Oh, me.

No!

Hey, don't be sad.
This year we've learned
skills and built friendships

-and nobody died except
that teacher. What a year!
-[audience laughs]

You can't put a number
on life unless you can,

in which case we go four,
fourth place for us.

Oh!

But hey, we're wizards!

-[audience laughs]
-Yeah!

And that was the class of 98s
first year of magic school.

Now year two, the second year,
you're older, you're wiser,

you're ready for
a safe fun year.

Nope, welcome to year two!

The Puffs on the age
of Giant Snake that
began attacking students.

The same year it was
discovered that certain other
students could talk to snakes.

Not yet! First, school work.

What is this concoction matter
of mad, Mister Oliver?

-A potion.
-I think remedial potions
will be in order this year.

Oliver, you were to transfigure
this beetle into a person. Now
what is so difficult about that?

-Everything.
-Remedial
transfiguration, Oliver.

-[bell rings]
-History of magic.

Magic history.

Wizards history.

Remedial history of
magic, Mister Oliver.

But I'm-- I'm a smart person.

I'm a-- I'm a smart person.

Now...

Hey, cut it out.
Seriously, leave me alone.

Get away from here, now!

Man, I hope something really
bad happens to that kid.

Yikes! Halloween arrived and
probably with a nasty surprise.

A secret chamber has been
opened. There's a monster.

There's a message written
in blood. It's the coolest thing
ever. I'll submit the books now.

Well, naturally, naturally, less
people are as excited about
this as one could imagine.

There are no theories about
this. It's my job to make
sure you're all educated.

-So, who wants to come
to dueling club?
-[ting]

Now, none of us wouldn't
end up like that poor boy,

the one that was attacked,
the one with the camera.

No, we certainly didn't want
anything bad to happen to him.

[audience laughs]

Let's get two volunteers
up here. Mister Potter,
Mister Malfoy.

Snake spell!

See if this is the Snake!

See if it is going to die!

Snake. No.

-Snake, what are you doing?
-[audience laughs]

Don't bite. Justin,
leave us alone.

Unfortunately, this is not
what the rest of the
school heard. This is.

[screaming]

-Harry tried to kill me.
-[Puff] He's going
to kill everyone.

[dramatic music]

We are not a threat,
please be our friend.

That settles it then.
Potter is there with snakes.
Someone has to stop him.

-He is going to kill us all.
-No.

It's just old J. Finch he's
after. And I never got to--

I never going to eat
all the flavored beans.

Justin, we will keep you safe.
Just promise you won't
leave this common room.

-Promise you won't leave.
-I promise.

-Well, I'm going to
leave now, bye.
-Bye.

Oh, have fun leaving.

-Let's all go to bed.
-Okay.

I'm J Finch, finching around,
finching the holes, finching
himself, finching his friends,

-finching the world.
Oh, hi, Mister Nick.
-Hello, Justin.

Oh-oh, better get out of here
before someone sees me.

[screaming]

Nobody understands Harry.

[audience laughs]

Last time our lives will be
in danger here definitely.

[audience laughs]

They got J. Finch.
We have to be careful.

Who knows what could be
lurking around every corner.

Well, if any of the books I've
been reading mean anything,
there's definitely a monster

and it's out to kill everyone.
It's super cool!

I mean meritorious.
I'm into books now.

This is a lot for
twelve-year-olds to handle.

The adults aren't helping, so
I think it falls to me to find
this monster, defeat Potter,

and go down in history
as the hero of the school.

-I don't know if you're
qualified for any of that.
-Get an award.

Megan, take Oliver
to safety, it's definitely
coming for him next.

-What?
-It's after Mug borns.

You're a Mug born,
which means you're next.

Oh my wizard god, what is that?

Huh, just kidding.

Wow. It's going
to be a fun year.

Wayne, if I get petrified,
please make sure I am
in a dignified position.

[audience laughs]

Okay, this must be it,

the thing I am supposed
to do to make that magic
future mirror reflect

to my awesome future self,
my actual future.

I just got to kill a monster.

I can find it
inside myself, my inner

Robocop,

my spiritual John McClane! Yeah.

Hey, monster, puff on this.
Phew, phew...

-Oh, I'm sorry, my fault.
-No, no, I was just--

[ting]

Hi.

I'm Wayne.

-Ginny, my name is Ginny.
-[audience laughs]

-It was nice meeting you--
-Hey, you--

-Yes?
-Forgot your diary.

No! What will they
make me do next?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, if--
if it's a bad one, you just

put it somewhere no one
will ever find it, like-- like
a toilet or something.

A toilet. Maybe.

Thanks, Wayne.

¶¶¶

[long play scratches]

Wow.

I am in love.

As soon as I become the
hero of the school, that girl
will want to marry me.

This is really my year.

Students, gather
around. Yes, yes.
Now I just want to reaffirm

to you all that even in the
face of grave danger

the doors of this school
will always remain open.

-No, they will not.
-Never mind a redhead
has been kidnapped,

school is canceled
forever. Go home.

Yes! Forget books.
Suck it, everyone.

Never mind, the monster is dead.
Now let's all hear a round
of applause for the boy

who fought it alone,
Mister Potter.

Not completely alone.
Ron helped.
I'm the hero of the school.

Yes, yes. Now you
all know I don't pick
favorites, but, Harry,

he is my favorite.

Now please, I would like
to take a moment of silence

for my pet bird
who tragically died.

-[bird squeaks]
-Never mind, he is alive again.

Exams are canceled.
See you next year.

Yeah!

Year two, the one
with the snakes...

-J Finch finching around.
-Ta-da.

The summer of '93 and our trio
were determined to keep in touch
the old-fashioned way

by writing two copies of the
same letter and then sending
it by owl across the world.

Dear Megan and Oliver, so
this new movie just came out.

It's called Free Willy .
It's about this young boy's
adventure to free a whale.

It was amazing.
And I was just thinking
about how adventures

come in all shapes and sizes.
I know mine is coming.

I just have to find my
own whale. I just have
to free my own Willy.

[audience laughs]

-Wayne. P. S. How does
this owl know where to go?
-[owl hoots]

-Wayne, yeah, sure,
free your Willy.
-[audience laughs]

-I'll see you soon. Oliver.
-[owl hoots]

Uncle Dave here.

There's an owl in my
living room. Bird.

Wayne, Oliver, Wayne's Uncle
Willy's whatever. Big news!

A mass murderer
broke out of wizard prison.

What if my mom sent him
after me to rescue me
from that shitty school?

I've got a feeling this year
things are going to get really

serious.

[audience laughs]

-P. S. the guy's
name is Serious.
-[owl hoots]

A murderer on
the loose? Rut roh.

Luckily, wizard government
safety measures have
been put into effect,

something that will
make the children feel

safe.

[distant animal noises]

[man] Lumos!

No!

Correct! Expecting
an expectation!

Yeah!

[clapping and cheering]

Very safe!

Yeah, you in the front row--take
this--it's magic chocolate.

A Ro-lo, yes. It'll
make you feel happy again.

You in the back, I am sorry.
You're sad forever.

Safety is the name
of the game in year three.

The Puffs in pajamas
because a mass-murderer
got into the school.

I'm telling you guys,
the headmaster looks
different this year.

[audience laughs]

Oliver,

I am a little more concerned
with the murderer
coming to our school.

Hey, Megan, what if he's
not coming to rescue you,

what if he's coming
to murder someone?

Nope, he's definitely coming
to rescue me. And it'll be
a super huge deal

because this year I'll
be spending my time
with the Braves.

And everything notable that
happens happens to them.

[glass shattering]

[Megan] Like this guy.

I'm Neville.

I'm Brave.

If you need me, we will be
out there being both rebellious
and charming and brave.

Guys, guys, guys,
come to my slumber party.

It's in the great hall
on the floor and it's going
to be so much fun.

But I warn you,
I snore. Want to see?

Sorry, I was having a dream
that I was a unicorn

but I didn't have a horn
and I was eating hay.

[audience laughs]

-We have to really--
-It's pretty heavy, so
don't do the action.

Everyone is busy.

Oh! What's this?

Oh! You boys are throwing
a slumber party, oooh.

Hi, Sally.

Hi, Sally.

I don't have a sleeping bag.
I guess I'll have to share.

Oh!

Well, guess I'll be seeing
you boys around.

Oh my, my, Sally Perks certainly
perked up, if you know what I--

I have to go.

In year three, students are
allowed to take electives

enthralling subjects such as...

Divination, the art
of seeing the future.

Oooh, the future.
Ooh thee in our eye, te-hee

-death, death is
coming to you all.
-[evil voice echoes her]

No!

-Well, class dismissed.
-[bell rings]

Ancient Runes, it's about rocks.

How old do you think
this rune is right here?

Guess what...
Isn't that chip fruit?

-Is this useful in any way?
-No. class dismissed for ever.

Well, ryth mancy, another
class I'm sure I'll fail.

Welcome class to Math study.

-[Oliver] Sorry, wrong room.
-Now, can anyone tell
me what this is?

-That is a toaster.
-Ooh, a smarty smart,
a regular Einstein.

We will cover him later.
Now can anyone tell
me what algebra is?

[audience laughs]

I'd like to stay in this
class, please.

Wait a second. How's
Granger in all three of our
classes at the same time?

-Magic.
-[man] No, no.

Oh, honestly?

And so, we agree it was off
to an eventful yet safe start.

But all that would change on,
you guessed it, Halloween.

-[beep]
-[headmaster] Attention,
students. The headmaster here.

The murderer is in the school.

He attacked a portrait,
then left. Report to the
Great Hall. I said now.

[beep]

We are not a threat,
please be our friend.

Guys, guys, the whole school
came to my slumber party!

Why is everyone so sad
and frightened?

-That poor painting.
-That poor painting.

Hey, guys, somebody told
me that the murderer is
only going after pretty girls.

So, I don't have to wo...

[audience laughs]

I get it, they were bullying me.

Everyone, I've been
told to inform you,

it looks like we'll be spending
the whole night here.

No!

But hey, how about a story
to help you get to sleep?

How about a story
about the Puffs?

-A cool one?
-Yeah.

It's the story of Helga,
the first Puff, that's
a pretty cool story.

[murmurs]

All right then!
Once upon a time--

A professional will take
it from here.

From the tragic,
yet rewarding history

of the Puffs chapter two. There
once lived an excellent cook

who also happened to be a witch.
Her name was Helga.

Have you seen my cup?
It's a nice cup.

[audience laughs]

Oh, badgers.

She can't be found hanging
out with her special friends.

Oh, let's play a game.
Who can read all the books?
Oops, I won. I am so smart.

Why don't we play a
different game that is if
you are brave enough?

Did someone mention
bravery in passing? Meow!

-Hey, guys.
-Well, we have all of this
magical knowledge.

Why don't we start a school?

And so, they imagined a castle
into existence. But then they
have an important question

to answer. What type of
student would they admit?

Students who are brave.

Students who are smart.

Students who are blonde, rich,

-assholes.
-Oh.

[audience laughs]

Students who are well-- Oh.

[male voice] Attention
students, it's time for sleep.
Go into sleep. Now!

Oh, but how did it end?

It's all right, we'll finish
some other time. Goodnight.

-Or, how about I
finish it for him now?
-Ooh.

Helga was so stupid she couldn't
come up with anything,

so they just gave her
all the dumb kids. The Puffs.

The end.

Worst slumber party ever.

Megan,

you alright?

I never wanted to be a Puff.

Every member of my family
Puffs were like the Puff family.

But I've always known
I was different. There's nothing
even special about Puffs.

You don't even have a thing.
Loyalty, being really nice,

bunch of lame failures doomed
to be stupid walking personality

who's nobody and no one will
ever care about ever, oh.

My mom was a Puff but
she was different.

She became something bigger.

She made the name Jones
finally mean something
other than a bunch of Puffs.

I thought-- I knew

I would be different too.

But after all my hard work
to make myself not a Puff,

what do you know? The Hat
puts me with the Puffs.

I did everything.

I mean, I even got rid
of my accents once
of my Puff family.

Oh.

It's not fair.

Well, I, for one, am happy
you are not kidnapped
by a mass murderer

or rescued.

And I'd like to think you've
at least met two Puffs
who are kind of okay.

Ha.

I guess, sort of.

Sorry to bring the mood down.

Sorry to make things so serious.

[audience laughs]

She's not coming here ever.

I feel the need to hug.
Don't tell anyone.

Oh.

I am coming in.

Why are we hugging? Wait, don't
tell me, I'll figure it out.

Hey, everyone, I'm sorry
I was mean. You're not stupid.

-That's okay, right? Puff hug.
-Oh!

-Fine, Puff hug.
-Yay, Puff hug!

[beep] [male voice]
Attention students,
you're all safe, we think.

Don't forget tomorrow you have a
field trip into town. Have fun.

Field trip!

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ It's going down ¶

¶ Lift your cups ¶

¶ Never put it down
Lift up your cups ¶

[audience laughs]

Hey, guys

that serious guy.

I hear he can turn
into a flowery shrub.

[audience laughs]

It's true.

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ It's going down
Lift your-- ¶

I heard a rumor that our new
teacher is aware.

-No, wait, aware--
-Aware of what?

¶ Take a pumpkin drink
take a butter drink ¶

¶ Take a bio drink
Take a pumpkin drink ¶

Hey!

Sorry.

-Yes!
-Okay.

¶ Loyalty, hard work ¶

[crying]

I have flashbacks
to my petrified days.

I never want to sleep again.

J. Flinch is done
for a lifetime.

I know how you feel.
Life is a nightmare.

Yeah!

Guys, I don't know
how I got out here.

Yeah!

So, Puffs, we are getting
totally butter buzz!

Wait. Anyone know
what place we're
in for the House Cup this year?

You would have to ask--

-Forth place!
-Forth place!

My God, you are thirteen.

[audience laughs]

Concluded. I know
you've been having a
good time so far, right?

But I must warn you, fate;
it's never kind to a hero.

But who does
fate hate even more

besides characters?

Dear Megan and all, so

my Uncle Dave died.

It was sudden and weird.

Weird because I don't think
anyone really cared.

No one really knew
him. I barely even did.

At the end he was just some
dead, unimportant guy.

And I don't want that to happen
to me. I want to be
a part of something big,

something important,
at least once in my life.

Weird. Wayne.

Wayne, at least our fourth
year is starting soon.

You can forget about
death for a while. Oliver.

Yes, back to school where
nothing dangerous ever happens.

Attention, students.

Same headmaster here.

[audience laughs]

This year we're hosting
two other wizard schools,
one with French people.

Bonjour. Je suis superié.

Baguette!

And the Dragger
Strang Institute.

They are all very intimidating
and they break dance.

I cannot be defeated.

[audience laughs]

If he dies, he dies.

They're here to compete
alongside one of you in a very
dangerous wizarding tournament.

Now anyone wishing
to participate, please
put your name in this cup.

We will draw names
on Halloween.

Well, things only get more
exciting in year four.

The Puffs and the
year they mattered.

It's Halloween, let's find out
who our competitors will be.

Whoever it is,
we're stuck focusing on
them for the entire year.

If the school has taught
me anything, we're going
to be disappointed.

-Yeah.
-Ow, hot fire!

[audience laughs]

Mister Diggory.

Cedric! Cedric! Cedric!

Oh my gosh, this is it. This
thing I've been waiting for.

This is our time to know
limelight. This year
is all about the Puffs.

-And no one can
take that from us.
-Yeah!

Ow, hot fire again.

[audience laughs]

Mister Potter.

-Mister Potter.
-Oh, oh, what did
I get into this time?

Harry!

Did you put your name
in that little cup over there?

Did you?

I am the definition
of calm right now.

[audience laughs and claps]

Wait, never mind that.
We have a job to do.

We have to make sure
the right winner wins.

Potters had his turn.
Cedric is our champion.

Cedric!

Great.

-Let's go make
some badges.
-Badges.

Wait, I am president of...

No, I didn't, Ron.

Oh, is that what you think, Ron?

Well, fine, Ron.

I guess we're not friends.

Not anymore.

[audience laughs]

Well, hey, I'm sure you two will
be all right, you know, it's--
whoa,

well, calm down, okay,
there's no need for you
to be an asshole.

Hey, you can bloody
hell yourself.

Jeez, you really are the worst
member of your family.

-[audience laughs]
-[bell rings]

-Cedric! Cedric! Cedric!
-Settle down, class.

Settle down!

[audience laughs]

Now, today's lesson:
curses that are not forgivable.

Trust me, because I am the
ordinary, not fake Moody.

Got it?

Yes, Real Mister Moody.

-Now there's a curse
where you control people.
-Ooh.

-There's a curse
where you hurt people.
-Ah.

And there's a curse that kills.

We call it the green
lights curse,

because when you do it,
there is a bright green light.

Avada Kedavra!

-Now who wants to see
me mess with some spider?
-Me, me.

Cedric!

Are you ready
for the first task?

I think I was born ready.
First spell!

What?

Cedric, are you nervous?

I'd be nervous once it's over.

-Erectia!
-Wow, what the--

[audience laughs]

Yes. But Cedric,
will you win?

Repel!

-He fixed these glasses
I was holding.
-Wow.

Getting to compete against three
great wizards and learn all
about the wizarding cultures,

I think I already won.

-Cedric, I was wondering
if maybe you had a minute.
-Sure.

-I'll see you guys later.
-Bye, Cedric.
You are the best.

You are a wizard, Cedric. Okay.

-Hi, Wayne.
-Hi, hi, hi.

So-- so I've been staying up
all night, well not all night,

but all night and sort of
researching past tournaments
to see what kind of creatures

they might throw at you
for the first task.

I definitely won't say no to
help. Give me a few of them.

Okay. So, in 1792 they
had to catch cockatrices.

-What would you do?
-I would

use magic.

Avea forms!

[creature crying]

You're not wrong.

What about an angry Veela?

Walk up to her, gently move a
strand of hair behind her ear,

take her hand and show her just
why they call me Diggory.

Then use magic. Cheerio!

-Awesome.
-Avea forms!

[creature crying]

Awesome.

Okay. So I must admit that I
don't totally know a lot about

-fantastic beasts or even
where one might find them.
-[audience laughs]

So, sorry. Throwing some
things that I thought
might exist like a Balrog.

No, okay. Or, ooh Beholder.

Not real, sorry. Okay. Or

-Mister Snuffleupagus.
-Can I see that?

This is really in-depth.

What ancient language is this?

Oh! Modern English.

Right.

Do you mind if
I hang on to this?

Please?

Definitely. Thanks
for letting me help you.

Thank me-- thank you.
Avea forms!

[creature crying]

If I managed to win this thing,
I'm telling everyone it was
because of your help.

-Cool.
-Excuse me. Cedric,
it's dragons.

Dragons. Anything
else you prepared
for forget it. Dragon!

Thanks.

Hey, you guys should probably
stop wearing those badges.

Harry, wake up!

I told them to stop
wearing the badges.

Dragon is on page 256!

They like to eat dogs,
if that helps.

Who is throwing
all of these birds?

I should get a good seat.

-And, finally, it was time
for the first task!
-Yeah!

Just a lesson!

Microphonist!

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the 1994

Triwizard Tournament!

Now, are you ready?

Then let's hear it
for your first champion.

Weighing in at 12
and 1/4 inches with
a hair of unicorn

hailing from the great
town of St. Catchpole,

he's a prefect in the streaks,
he's a seeker in the sheets.

Put your hands together for
this six-year Mister Diggory

Cedric!

He'll have to obtain the
golden egg on the field.

But in order to do so,
first you'll have
to get past this highly

dangerous dragon.

[roaring]

[ring bells]

It's time to begin!

[Puffs] Cedric! Cedric!
He's our man.

If he can't do it, we'll still
be happy we have this chance.

Go Cedric!

-Igneous canine atone!
-Pa pow! Pa pow!

He's gonna racket it!
That's from my book!
He read my book!

...after the night stall!

Cedric has turned the rock
into an adorable barking puppy
to distract the dragon.

Oh!

And the dragon has ripped the
head off the dog and there is
now a dead dog on the field.

And the dragon has turned on
Cedric and Cedric is on fire.

Do not be confused
by the tone of my voice.

He is literally on fire.

And he's got the egg!

[narrator] Need I remind
everyone that there is still
a dragon right there?

Yay! Uh, yay!

The results of the first task,
Cedric came in a very
exciting second place.

Frenchie, she came in third.

Dragon send oh me baguette.

[man] A victor tied for first.

-I must break you.
-To the victor tied with--

I did it, I got the golden egg
against all odds, I did it.

And that my friends is
the story of how four dragons
were tricked into believing

one of their children had
been stolen from them.

Now a highly dangerous
first task was done.

The time had come for
something truly terrifying.

A school dance.

-A school dance? No, not going.
-We have to, to support Cedric.

-But a school dance.
-We have to find dates.

Who would want to go with us?

I kind of have
one person in mind.

-Oh, go for it.
-Yeah. What's the worst
that can happen?

Ginny, would you like to
go to the ball with me?

Sure!

Oh, hi, Wayne.

[romantic music]

[long play screeching]

Yikes. If it makes you feel
better,

that Longbottom kid,
he's ugly and he'll
probably stay ugly forever.

[audience laughs]

While true, that still
doesn't help me find
a date to this ball.

Well, how about this?

Right now, forget nerves,
forget her, just ask the
next person that you see.

-Okay.
-Hi!

Leanne, Wayne here has
a question. A question.

-A question? What's that?
-Would you just--

Wayne.

Leanne,

has anyone asked
you to the ball yet?

Just my imaginary friend J.
Finch-Fletchley, but I said no
because he's imaginary.

[audience laughs]

Well, would you like
to go with me?

Sure! I'll go get ready!

It's still like a week-- okay.

-Now you have to ask
the next person you see.
-Okay.

Megan, you definitely
don't have a date, right?

Not how I would
have started this.

Oh! We could go,
you know, together.

Better you than some
other loser, I guess.

Better than Mister Imaginary.

[audience laughs]

J. Finch doesn't exist.

J. Finch can go
wherever he wants.

[audience laughs]

I am boyish and sassy.

[audience laughs]

-Anyway, so we are
people with dates.
-Yeah, dates.

I'm not. I want to ask Joe
but I'm so embarrassed.

-Bye Wayne.
-Don't leave me.

[audience laughs]

Hey, over the summer I went
to this crazy sports tournament

and I got there by
touching a boot.

Boots can take you anywhere.

Bye, Wayne.

Wee!

Cedric, hey, congrats
on the first task.

Thanks, Wayne. Up top!

So, you got a date
to the ball yet?

I'm going to be occupied with
figuring out this golden egg.

I've done everything.
I tried opening it.

[audience laughs]

That's it?

It just screams. Watch.

[screaming]

Maybe-- maybe it's a riddle.
I used to work the riddle
books in the bathtub.

A bathtub?
Would that really help?

Diggory, use the
bathtub. Trust me.

All right. Bathtub, it is.

Thanks real Mister Moody.
See you, Wayne.

Cedric, I-- I-- I hear Cho
might be interested in going
to the ball with you.

You should just ask her.

Hm. Sure, why not?

Thanks, mate.

Oh! Mate.

He might have asked
her on his own.

Eventually.

I just helped.

I helped.

[soft music]

Imagine a bathroom.

[frog croaking]

A fancy bathroom, the nice
toilets, the decorative sinks,

a bathtub, an enormous bathtub.

A bathtub so big.

You'd show your friends,
they'd be like, I mean,
yeah it's a big tub.

I don't know why I doubted
you about the size of this tub.

Why do we keep
coming in here, Craig?

You know, a bathroom.

Now, imagine a
seventeen-year-old boy.

Yas!

Now let's all watch this
seventeen-year-old boy
use the bathroom.

Hello, bathtub.

Hello, Cedric.

All right, tub.

Egg, show me your secrets.

[screaming]

Stop that dreadful racket...
Oh, hello. Oh, hello!

[screaming]

Hi. My name's Cedric.

-You're Myrtle, right?
-Oh, you know who I am.

See, you wouldn't have any
ideas how to get this egg
to show me its secrets?

-I was told the bath would help.
-Who told you that?

This guy named Wayne.

You know, sometimes you meet
someone and you can just tell
they are going to be great.

That's Wayne.
Loyal to a tee, a real Puff.

Oh.

I mean that in a good way.

Enough about him!
Let's talk about us here.

Myrtle lonely, Cedric.
Myrtle wants to moan--

I have to go in the
bathtub now! Bye!

¶¶¶

¶ Mermaids still your friends ¶

Mermaids!

I get it now!

-Mermaids.
-Dragons again.

[audience laughs]

Mermaids. Yes!

-Thanks, Myrtle.
-Oh, anything for you,
Cedric. You are so cool.

Thanks.

Bye, bathtub!

-Bye, Cedric.
-Goodbye, Cedric.

Think of me every time
you see a toilet.

But wait a minute!
Do you hear that sound?

[bells tingling]

It's British Christmas.

Happy Christmas everyone!

-[audience] Happy Christmas!
-Oh, thank you everyone.

Now, after days eating sweets
and opening presents, some
of them containing, ugh,

personalized sweaters--
he is so poor.

Anyway, it was time
for the ball. DJ!

¶¶¶

Well, look at everyone dancing.

You know I've only ever
been to one dance before,
it was with my mom.

It was normal. It was
a mother-son dance.

-Everyone was there
with their moms.
-You're such a loser!

-Do you want to-- Never mind.
-How about we? Never mind.

-You look nice.
-Well, I tried.

I actually tried.
This is your fault.

This year it's been nice to--

it's just this year you've been
yourself and you are neat--

real neat.

Thank you.

-Don't you dare tell anyone I
accepted that compliment.
-I won't. Ow!

Should we just-- let's--
I'm not your mom.

Oh, sure.

[romantic music]

¶ A really short
Slow dance song ¶

That was a really
short slow dance song.

Hey everyone, let's show
them our Puff spot
formation number seven!

Left!

Ah!

Bus!

-Roll ball!
-Cedric!

-Yeah! Yeah!
-Ready.

Megan!

[audience laughs]

Close.

Now I'm off to bed.

[buzzer]

[narrator] Ladies and gentlemen,
squibs and squabs, get
ready for the eventful

entertaining, visually
exciting second task.

Your champions have one
hour to find something that
has been lost in that lake.

Spoiler alert!
It's their friends.

On your marks, get set, go!

[splash]

[audience laughs]

We're just staring at a lake.

Just looking at a lake.

Oh!

Um...

No.

I thought I saw something.

I did not.

I swam in a lake once but I got
thirsty and I almost drowned.

[audience laughs]

Ah! Lake!

One hour later. The results.

-Frenchie failed horribly.
-[speaking in French]

Followed by Victor
who turned into a shark.

Very nice.

I win for me.

For me!

Harry should have
gotten third place.

The judges decided to award
Harry second because he
was nice to French people.

[speaking in French]

This time first none
other than Cedric!

Cedric! Cedric! Cedric!

The third task was months
away and everyone collectively
remembered, oh, yeah

this is a school,
maybe we should study.

I see you, book!

I see you, book!

Book, come here!

[audience laughs]

Please.

God, I hate you book.
You are the worst book.
You suck, book!

Why are you yelling at books,
Wayne? Hey, book, you're dumb.

[audience laughs]

That is fun.

I was just trying to summon it.

Year four.
Pretty difficult tests.

-I see you, book.
-Oh, yeah.

The Tragic Yet Rewarding
History of the Puffs.

-You make it look so easy.
-Try again.

I see you, book!

You know what the best part
about being a Puff is?

Besides being so
close to the kitchen.

That's really great.

You fail.

A lot.

You just fail and fail,
you fail over here and
you fail over there and then

you fail a lot more.

[audience laughs]

But failure, Wayne, is just
another form of practice,

as long as you
never stop trying.

So,

try again.

I see you, book!

Eventually, you get better.

No, you should hang on
to that book. It can help
whenever you're feeling like--

like a failure.

It certainly helped me.

I'll need it.

-I suck at magic.
-How about this?

To thank you for all
your support, once
the third task is done,

I'll teach you
everything I know.

-Really?
-I'd be happy to.

-We'll be just like wizard
Batman and Robin.
-Bat

man.

It's...

It's from the thing.

-We're tough as the bat.
-Don't worry about it.

[audience laughs]

I better get going.

I'll see you around.

Cedric,

good luck on the third task.

I'll be fine.

Yes, yes, yes! Take that, book.

It was a warm June evening. The
third task was well underway and
the crowd sat with bated breath.

It had come down to two.

That night one would become
a champion and the other,
the other would lose.

Come on, it's been hours.
How are we supposed
to get to the maze?

-Very hot.
-Sh!

Would anyone like to hear
a riddle? All right, all right,
here it goes.

What has eight legs?
Ooh. It's a spider.

Everyone quiet.

I want to be able to remember
the exact moment Cedric
comes out of that maze.

[all talk at once]

Wait, wait! Why is
he taking a nap?

-Wake up, Cedric,
you are a winner.
-Yay!

Cedric!

[dramatic guitar]

He's dead.

[dramatic guitar]

Remember,

if ever you must choose
between something that is easy

and something that is right,

remember a kind sweet loyal boy

and what happened to him

because he crossed
the path of an evil man.

Remember Cedric.

So, a very eventful fourth year
came to an eventful conclusion.

Here, you in the front
row, take these.

They are Puffs brand tissues.

You wipe away those tears.

You in the back,
still sad forever.

But not to worry.

Everyone will rediscover joy
and happiness again soon
in year fo-- oh, dear God.

[audience laughs]

The Puffs in the year,
we will get through quickly.

Everyone, we're all still alive.

Now Ernie and me are prefects
this year and the number one
rule is no being too sad.

-Yeah.
-So how is
everyone's summer?

My aunt and I stared
at the door waiting,

waiting for the
Dark Lord to arrive

to kill my aunt,

to kill me.

Death awaits!

It stalks me!

I went to a water park.

[audience laughs]

I'm just happy to be
here with all of you.

My friends' feelings.

[all] J. Finch approved.

Stop hugging!

Welcome back, everybody.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Shut up!

Yes, I have some words
of wisdom to all the
new Puffs joining us.

Guess what? We suck!

We are the Puffs.

We're just here to die.

There's no chosen
Puff hiding among us.
And if there was,

he'd probably just die.
So, enjoy your short
meaningless lives!

Oh, oh, oh, also,

apparently, you don't have
to wear uniforms anymore.

You can just wear
regular clothes.

[audience laughs]

Enjoy it while you can!

-Bye.
-So, he probably just
needs more time?

Yeah. I mean, how long can one
person be an angsty asshole?

Nobody understands.

Oh, hey.

Oh. Sorry.

I'm in a bad mood.

My friends don't like it
when I'm in a bad mood.

So, friends are dumb.

And friends suck.

Friends are dumb

and they suck?

Yeah. You want to be a real dick
all year then just be one.

Yeah.

All right.

Thanks, Wayne.

[audience laughs]

Oh, excuse me, um, student,

have you seen Harry?
I want to explain
some facts about his past

and why I've been avoiding him.

-I haven't seen him.
-Oh.

Well, I guess I should wait
till the end of the year.

[audience laughs]

I see you, book!

Year five in one word: emotions.

Year five in two words:
secret meetings.

Even some of our Puffs
were invited you to join in.

Oh, these AA meetings are great.

-Elvis' army, the AA.
-We must learn to
protect ourselves.

I was just so happy to be
included. I am in the group.

Oh, Harry's looking over
this way. We should
practice our Stunning spell.

-Okay.
-So, I'm going to go first.

-Then you go.
-Hey, I got it. Okay.

-Three, two, one.
-Stupefy!

[audience laughs]

Oh, what happened?

-I think we stunned each other.
-You mean we
did the spell right?

Yay!

And suddenly it was May.

After some standardized
testing it was time to go home.

-Hey! How'd you do?
-How'd you do?

-Maybe okay.
-Maybe okay.

Yeah, I think we actually
made progress this year.

Yeah, we should study
together all the time.

Okay, yeah, no.

But you know what? I think
we got through an entire year

without some sort of
horrible event or tragedy.

-It's like I almost feel safe.
-Safe.

¶ Baby ¶

[long play screeching]

Hey!

[audience laughs]

Look,

I'm sorry I've been an angsty
asshole this entire year.

Can we please go
back to being friends?

I'm coming in!

All right, everything's
back to normal.

Oh no, he whose name
we can't say is definitely back.

Harry fought him, again.

Nobody is safe!

Yep, back to normal.

Amidst the state of national
terror, year five was done.

[woman] Ugh!

The world was changing.

Nobody was safe-- wand
makers, bridges, no one, for
the Dark Lord had returned.

[all] Dark Lord!

[audience laughs]

Excellent.

The bloodlines of wizard
kind will be purified.

The very few that is left
on dwellings shall be expanded

and standing on the
precipice as a shining example
of power and my poor me.

[evil laughs]

Now, my dead bodies,

fetch me my broom.

Oh!

We don't need brooms
to fly anymore.

We just can.

My Lord.

Good to know.

For this information,
you will be rewarded--

All right!

-With a show of affection--
-Oh, crap.

[Dark Lord] --from me.

Oh, no!

[audience laughs]

[inaudible] Help me!

[kiss]

-Everyone leave!
-Okay.

You!

Stay.

You still wish to go on
your special excursion?

Yes, My Lord.

You will remain unseen.
You will kill anyone
who gets in your way.

-I will, My Lord.
-And

-if the girl should refuse--
-I know what I must do, My Lord.

Yes.

Welcome back, Mrs. Jones.

[evil laughs]

It looks like Megan's
mother is on a mission.
And year six pops.

The Mummy Returns.

-Astronomy.
-Poor.

-Herbology.
-Outstanding.

Obviously herbology is awesome.

-Defense.
-Troll.

Yikes.

Wayne, we got to find
you a lady friend.

Yeah, well, we'll
get right on that.

You could date Susie Bones.
I hear she is single.

My aunt was murdered!

Any second now I'll be next.

[audience laughs]

Maybe.

Look, as long as the school
doesn't suddenly become
super-sexual, I'll be fine.

How wrong he was.

Webster's dictionary defines
snogging as the act of kissing
and caressing amorously.

I get it, I get it, I get it!
Go find a classroom
or something.

Ooh, a classroom.
I love to learn.

-Hey you!
-Whoa!

-I've been thinking about
something else anyway.
-[Megan] What?

Maybe trying out
for the sports team.

What?

I'm just thinking about it.

I've been so set on doing
some big wizard
world-changing thing

that I haven't done any
regular teenage stuff.

So, this year no adventures,
no wizard shenanigans.

I am just focused
on dates and sports.

[buzzers]

Yo.

What's up leaky assholes?

Yeah!

Zach Smith in the house!

Hey!

I know you.

You're Turds McGee. Ha ha ha!

So you pie-eating sphincter
goblins want to play sports

aka meet some hot
ladies. Uh, uh, uh.

Guys, I got to tell you
I had a crazy summer.

Strap in. All right.

So, my parents were like
you got to get a job, asshole.

And I was like, all right.

So, I went to go work at this
newspaper and I end up working
my way up the ranks and I got

on the wedding column.
I got really good at it.

Except I was going
under a fake name.

Anyways, cut to I go
to this one wedding

and there's this woman
that's really intriguing to me

because I see her at
all these weddings.

She's always the bridesmaid,
never the bride.

So, I'm there trying to get
to know her and she's like,
get out of here, loser.

But then on her end, she is
secretly in love with her boss.

And then her sister
comes to visit

and then her sister
and her boss fall in love
and get engaged.

So, I get picked to write a
story about their engagement.

So, then I get to meet her
and I'm like, I want to
probe you in your story

while I write the story about
your sister and your boss.

Anyways, at one point
I go over to her apartment

and we do this montage
of hers trying all these
dresses, it's just wonderful.

[audience laughs]

And then, eventually,
we'll be going on this big
little like little road trip

for her sister's wedding,
we get stuck because
a car and there's rain

and we go into this bar and
we get drunk and then we
dance on the bar, you know,

to Elton John's Bennie
And The Jets and everything.

And then we sit down
in our drunken mood.

I had made sure that
like I do enjoy weddings

and I'm really sad
being when she's like
what's your favorite moment.

I was like, my favorite moment
is when everybody's
actually looking at the bride,

I'm looking at the groom because
that's when you get to see

what he's getting himself
into and if he's really happy
and he's really sweet.

And then I met her that
I cried at one of my famous
weddings I wrote about

and we hook up. It's awesome.

Cut to my editor, releases
the story that I wrote about her

that I didn't want to get
released because I realized
there's more to her.

She finds out she's
like bye, you're basic.

So she throws me away.

On the other end, she goes
to her sister's engagement,
shows this like little slideshow

of all the things her sister
really is and just ends
that engagement.

Anyways, fast forward again,
I'm sorry I got to cut for time.

So, we go fast-forward and then
she's like hanging out with her
boss and she like kisses him

and she goes, I'm not in
love with you, I'm in love
with this guy. Me.

So then she tracks me down
on this wedding that's on this
boat, jumps on to it, makes it,

goes and makes this big speech
and confesses her love and I was
like I'm in love with you, too,

we get together, it's fantastic.

Cut to our wedding on a beach.
Ed Burns is there, that's cool.

And we had this big wedding
and she has all of the brides
that she was the bridesmaids up.

At our wedding they are
her bridesmaids and they're
all in their dresses

that they made her wear,
all twenty-seven of them.

[audience laughs and cheers]

Yeah.

On our honeymoon, though, I was
like, hey, I should let you know
I'm a teenage boy and a wizard

and I have to go back
to school. Mind erase.

So, that was my crazy
summer. All right, let's
start this tryouts.

¶¶¶

-[buzzer]
-All right, that's enough!

Give me that! Yike!

These tryouts are over.
And guess what, you,

-you made the team.
-Really?

Nope, loser.

Ha, ha, I got you.
You just got got.

The rest of you, you
definitely made the team.

-Really?
-Nope, losers. Ha, ha.

You're all happy and now
you're sad, sad like I was

when I had to leave her because
I was really in love with her.

This is a one-man team!

Zach Smith!

[buzzer]

Wayne.

[audience claps]

Wayne, um, hi.

I thought you played
pretty nice out there.

You know, it's--
it's like whatever.

I do know. I go to this school.

Okay, cool. Bye.

-Sally.
-Huh?

Would you like to go out
on a date sometime?

Sure.

[romantic music]

All right. Date with a girl.

[long play screeches]

Oh no.

A date with a girl.

[thunder]

[Megan] Oliver, where
the freak are you?

Meet me at the
third-floor corridor
if we're out of bounds

for anyone who didn't want
to die a super painful death.

Geez, remember that?
This school is dangerous
for children. Oliver!

The boy won't be
joining you, I am afraid.

I'm sorry, who are you?
It's me, Megan, your mother.

Imperian! And I think you'll
be coming with me, darling.
[evil laugh]

-Beat you.
-Yeah, you can run just
as fast as you said.

What?

Oh, okay.

[wild music]

Oh, wait, aren't there
security measures
against intermingling?

Oh, only for the other houses.

Oh, um, they didn't think it
was necessary for the Puffs.

Probably, the same reason
why we don't even get the
special teenage magic talk.

Wait, you mean magic sex ed?
Who teaches magic sex ed?

[bell rings]

[audience laughs]

Lilith.

So, why don't you come upstairs?

Uh, sure.

Oh my. Now let's check
on how Megan and Oliver
are faring, shall we?

Spoiler alert: much worse.

-Megan, what's going on?
-It's my mom.
She's out of whispers

and she's just as badass
as I always believed.

I think we're in danger.
She took my wand.

-Oh, she took my wand too.
Awesome.
-[Wayne] Hide!

-Wayne.
-Wayne.

I'm not running from
a sexual experience.

[audience laughs]

I'm sorry, did I
interrupt a weird thing?

Hello children.
Oh, look, another one.

Hello, there.

Ow!

Megan, dear, it has
been such a long time.

Oh, boy, can I see...
I've dreamed like ever
and you're actually...

Hi. I'm Megan, your
daughter, and a fan.

Why, thank you.
Dear, a thought.

Now that I am free, perhaps, it
is time for me to take you away.

Just the two of us.

-That's pretty much
all I ever wanted.
-Oh, good.

But, oh, no,
there is a problem.

You know I've been
watching you, Megan.

These two are your friends?

Why?

Oh, I am disappointed, Megan.

Disappointed in you.

-What-- what'd I do?
-Oh, nothing, Megan.

You did nothing.

I mean I come all this
way and what is it I see
standing before me?

I see a Puff.

No.

That's all you are, isn't it?

-Stop.
-You're just another Puff.

-No!
-Yes!

You're nothing like me.

How disappointing.

I am not a Puff!

Oh?

Good.

Prove it.

I want you to hurt them,

torture them,

kill them maybe.

Prove to me that
you are my daughter!

Go on, do it.

And then we can leave.

Just us.

Just like you always wanted.

I--

I won't.

You disappoint me again.

Fine!

[screams]

I will do what I must!

Avada Kedavra!

Avada Kedavra!

Abracadabra!

Bra!

[audience laughs]

No? okay.

I'm sorry, have you
done this before?

[evil laugh]

Oh, I have done it, maybe.

Look, don't look
at me like that.

The Dark Lord himself
recruited me.

Here, let me show
you that fateful day.

Flashback here to October 1981.

[voice] It's 1981 and you're
at the Dark Lord's blood
boogey dance jam.

If you love the Dark
Lord, say yeah.

Yeah.

Let me join your evil
army, please, please.

Fine. [screams]

Wow. Free tattoo. Awesome.

Whoa, that lady looks evil.

And that's how we should
all think about her.

-Whoo!
-Yeah.

Great.

Now I'm off to kill a baby.

[audience laughs]

Flashback managed.

See? I am awesome.

Now avada releasio!

Oh, um,

so what I've done there
is I have let you go.

Oh my wizard God, you're
just-- you're just a Puff.

Hi. Never!

You're just a Puff.

No, I-- Avada Ked...

Damn it.

No, look, Puffs are
lame failures, a bunch
of dumb stupid--

Failures.

And that's the best thing
about being a Puff besides
being so close to the kitchens.

[Oliver] What?

Follow me here.

The Puffs are actually awesome,
and always have been.

We are The Mighty
Ducks of wizards.

No!

The Mighty Ducks 2
of wizards.

[audience claps]

Cedric knew it.

And maybe even Helga knew when
she was picking the students.

We never got
to finish that story.

Maybe we can now.

I see you, book!

-I see you, book!
-Wayne.

I see you, book!

Oh, yeah.

[cheering]

The Tragic Yet Rewarding
History of the Puffs.

Okay. The time came for the
founders to pick students.

Students who are Brave.

Students who are Smart.

Students who speak like they are
always about to throw a glass
of white wine in your face.

[audience laughs]

Students who are well--

Oh.

[laughs]

I'll take the rest of them

because as long as they are
willing to work hard, everyone
should have a place here.

Sure, their skill levels
will be all over the place.

But that's okay, there's
always room to improve.

It's the school, right?
So, yes, being Brave or
Smart or Snakes is great,

but why be one thing when
you can be everything else?

Yes,

yes.

Now where did
my cap get off to?

[audience laughs]

So, you see Megan's wand?

I agree with you.

Puffs are failures.

We'll try and fight you
and we'll probably fail.

We'll fail big time.

We'll fail so hard--

Wayne, I don't know
where this is going.

[mother] No, you can't fight me.

I have all these wands, so--

But, eventually, we get better.

I see you, wand!

Wand! Wand!

One of those is mine.

No, no, no, this can't be
happening, you are all just
a bunch of stupid Puffs.

-Oh yeah?
-Yeah.

Avea force!

[creature crying]

Go back to what's-his-name
that we turned up to see, mom.

Get out of here.

You've not seen the last
of me, children.

I will be back!

[audience laughs]

-Oh!
-We did it!

[Wayne] We defeated
an evil person!

Hey, everyone's going
to hear about this.

Megan,

you all right?

That was a lot to take in.

I'm coming in.

Oh, weird mirror.

Yes, the very same mirror stood.

Its purpose unchanged,
to show the greatest desire
of the onlooker's heart.

But it's the funny thing
about desires, they change.

And whereas once these
three saw images of grandeur
or lifelong fantasies,

now our trio just saw
this--three friends together.

And one of them
had a light saber!

Or, taking that
life-threatening experience and
truth as a friendship to heart,

our trio spent the remainder
of a relatively calm year
to really practice their magic.

Three--

-Two--
-One--

Reparo!

All right, we all fixed these
glasses I was holding.

I think we've
officially done it.

We've mastered all
spells up to grade three.

-[sound of something falling]
-Hey, unrelated.

Has there always been
a giant skull in the sky?

-No, it could mean anything.
-[splash]

The headmaster is dead!

Ooh.

To some, the death of the
headmaster came as a shock.

For others, it was proof that
evil had finally triumphed.

And for everyone,
it meant one very impressively
thrown together funeral.

[crows cawing]

Summer arrived.

Fearing the interception
of their letters,

our trio decided to try another
magical means of communication.

Dear Megan and Oliver,

thanks for using
AOL Instant Messenger.

I think it will significantly
speed up communication.

-NotAWizard1997.
-[message alert]

Good idea. Definitely safer.

-Mathematician314159.
-[message alert]

What is this? Aahh!

-PurplePrincess2000.
-[message alert]

Okay, any updates?
I hear things are getting
pretty bad out there.

Shit is getting dark.

The rumors of the ministry
starting to go after Mug borns.

It's true.

And it means I won't
be going back to school.

-What?
-I have to go on the run
to protect my family.

I wiped their memories--
well, I tried to,

I instead turned their
heads into oranges,
which I guess will have to do.

Megan, you are the world to me.

Wayne, you are too.

Try not to get into
too much trouble.

Year seven, who lives, who dies,

what crazy new
characters join us?

Find out in the final year,
the Puffs and the time
Harry came back

and caused a war at school.

So, this year's
been interesting.

Yeah, they've thrown any attempt
to giving us an education out
the window, I think.

Yesterday in defense class
they just tortured a kid
for three hours.

[steps coming closer]

Hello, Master Wayne.
Hoping geez!

Master Megan, jam geez!

It's me, Pee-Pee,
your little house elf friend.

Oh, I am Pee-Pee
and I'm your best friend.

We're going to be together
to the very end.

We're always
going on adventures,

you are about wizards
and Pee-Pee's indentured.

[audience claps]

Pee-Pee, we have a job for you.

We need you to run.

Just keep running
until we tell you to stop.

Pee-Pee is happy to do it.

Magic exit...

[singing]

Oliver is so lucky.

He doesn't have to deal
with any of this.

Have you heard from him?

No.

I'm sure he's fine.

Yeah.

On the bright side,
Potter was the cause of
most of our problems.

So as long as he stays gone--

Harry is back!

He's here to start a revolution.

He went camping.

[all] To the Great Hall!

-Hello everyone,
it's me, Harry.
-Hi.

How nice. I don't know
if you remember me.

I used to go to school here.

[siren]

Is this the room...

Your efforts are futile.

I do not want to kill you.

Give me Potter!

And you will be rewarded.

You have until midnight.

I...

Bye.

Bye. [interference]

[Dark Lord] That
went well, I think.

So, we've got until midnight.

Anyone bring any board
games or snacks?

What do you mean I am still
talking into the megaphone?

Huh? [screams]

Bring me Harry.

[whispering] Harry.

Harry.

[screams loudly]

Harry.

[audience laughs]

-[megaphone interference]
-Ow!

[narrator] Hey!

Okay, I'm having trouble
reading the room. We
want to give him up, right?

And in that moment a snake
girl cried out grab him and
the Puffs reacted accordingly.

Okay, see what we're doing.

And upon being told to leave the
Great Hall for evacuation, it
was a Puff who stood up first.

What if we want to stay
and fight before we
rush in anything?

Can we get just like
one minute?

All right, I am off
to find a tiara.

[audience laughs]

Okay, everyone,
this is dangerous.

We all might die.
Anyone who stays needs
to understand that.

But why would they need us?
Everyone says we are
the worst in the school.

I don't think they'd want
the stupid people to fight.

Yeah. J Finch is only
good at herbology which, duh,

-is the best.
-Yeah.

I'll almost definitely
die if I fight.

[audience laughs]

It'd be easier to just leave.

No! I don't want to leave.

Why is everyone always
so down on us?

I won't stand for it anymore!

And I won't sit for it either!

And I also won't stand on one
leg because I can't watch.

Anyways, look in your hand.

You have a wand!

Unless you looked
in your other hand.

Look at yourselves.

Hannah, you used to be so
awkward and you still are
but we don't mind anymore.

Who is that?

It's Ernie Mack and
he is basically the best.

And, Sally, remember
when you did that thing?

-I do.
-It was amazing.

And Susie, we all thought
you'd be dead by now.

And look at you
standing there alive.

Wayne, you give the best hugs.

And, Megan, you give better
hugs than you think you do.

And J. Finch, he is imaginary
and he can do magic.

We all can. We're wizards!

Sure, it'd be easy to leave,
but wouldn't it be wrong?

We should do what's right!
Like Cedric.

I'm a Puff and I'm staying

because if we don't fight now,
we may never find out
how that Hat talks!

[audience laughs and claps]

I'm a Puff and I'm staying.

I'm a Puff and I'm staying.

I'm a Puff, I'm staying.

We might die!

Are we all willing
to die for Harry?

We won't die for Harry.

We'll die for each other.

I'm a Puff and I'm staying.

I'll stay.

And I'm a Puff.

-What was that?
-Excuse me?

And I'm a Puff.

Look, my socks don't match,

I struggle with reading.

Yeah.

I was a stupid member
of the Frog Choir.

What?

I'm a Puff!

Hi.

Hi!

All right, we're going
to fight alongside the
Braves and the Smarts and

well not the Snakes
because they've officially
been acknowledged as evil.

[audience laughs]

Then we sure as hell better
make sure we take out more
bad guys than them.

So then,

third or nothing.

No.

First or nothing.

First or nothing!

No, no, we're not doing it.

No, no, no, I can fight back!

Giggly-legs!

Get it, I was bullying you.

Puff on this!

Yippy chang, motherpuffer!

[casting spells]

Yay, Harry!

Surprise, buttholes!

Take that.

And this, and this, and that.

Zach Smith came back to school.

Zach Smith forever!

Oh, if only I could hit
it from this distance.

It's impossible. You know the
exact angle to aim your wand.

There's no way
to figure that out.

Sounds like you could
use a protractor.

I heard about the battle.

There are so many secret
passages into this school
it is dangerous for children.

-But you got all the
things over there?
-Yeah.

Okay, time to see a real
math magician at work.

[voice screaming]

Go on, come along,
we'll just quickly be drained!

Right, left. Right, left!

-Yeah, good to go.
-Hey, sluts!

Yes! Very nice.

-Hello, children.
-You two go, I'll handle this.

Hello, mom.

Megan, I'm not here for
pleasantries, I'm just here
to finish unfinished business.

Avada Skedew!

-Damn it.
-[audience laughs]

Okay, seriously, it's two words.

Avada Kedavra.

Avada Kedavra. It's simple.

Oh, is it? Is it simple?

Well, Avada Kedavra.

Oh my wizard God, it's
that easy? Why is it so easy?

You just say two words
and you-- you know I'm okay, I'm
good, I'm all right, I'm okay.

Someone has to tell
his evil wife and kids.

Now it feels worse.

Mom, that's what your
friends do to everyone.

Well, I don't like the
way it feels, I just--

Oh God,

I'm a Puff.

Oh, I get it I'm a Puff.

Oh, who would have thought
the people in the hoods and the
masks would be so in the wrong?

[audience laughs]

Fine, go ahead, kill me.

The fate a murderer deserves.

Yes. Considering the one
person you killed was evil,

I don't think you'll get
in too much trouble.

Just so you are like a
secret spy or something.

Argh!

Aw!

Avada Kedavra!

Mom!

You take this.

[audience laughs]

If we make it out of here,
I owe you so many
birthday presents.

If you're imaginary, how come
the bad people can see you?

They must have special
glasses or something.

Then how come I can see it?

You must be special.

Stupefy!

Looks like he had a
side of Mac and Finch.

[audience laughs]

[scream]

Mommy and daddy were
right about you, Leslie.

[audience laughs]

Puffs' emergency
formation number ten!

[ Free Willy theme playing]

You okay?

I think so. I--

Oh ,fine.

There, Sally is suited up and
she's finally ready to kick--

Avada Kedavra!

Extermios!

Existentio crisis!

Not today.

Susie quick, too many of them.

We'll regroup in
the common room.

Avada Kedavra!

Dear friends, go in the
basement and stay alive.

[ting]

Hello.

Where did everybody go?

Did we win?

Oh, no.

[evil laugh]

[casting spell]

[man casts spell]

[casting another spell]

I did it!

[man] Avada Kedavra!

All right. I think
it's all just over.

We just got a whole
other year, right?

[screaming]

You will not hurt Master...

Blastious!

Pee-Pee has done a good job.

Yes.

I am forever grateful for all
the time we spent together.

Just remember Pee-Pee

as someone who has
been here this whole time.

I was Pee-Pee.

I wa--

Who the fuck was that?

[audience laughs]

Guys, this-- this is crazy.

We are fighting in a war.

This is a lot for
eighteen-year-olds to handle.

Do you think this is how
Potter feels all the time?

It sucks.

Excuse me.

Avada Kedavra!

-[Megan screams]
-Wayne!

[Wayne wakes up]
Where am I? Where am I?

[audience laughs]

Not Harry.

I am--

I want to say Wayne.

Headmaster but you're--

-Am I--?
-I'm-- I'm afraid that
must be the case.

Oh.

Where are we?

To be honest, I'm not sure. It's

more of a thing for Harry.

[audience laughs]

Of course it is.

Headmaster, this--
this is so unfair!

I just-- I just watched all of
my friends die, and now me?

What was even the point?

I won't be remembered
for anything.

No one will know my name.
I'm just some unnamed dead
kid at a school battle.

Potter's battle.

He gets to be the hero.

He gets everything
I ever wanted.

Why did I have to
be so unimportant?

Wayne, it's easy to
feel as if you're only a
secondary character

in someone else's grand story.

But that does not mean however
that there's not another story
out there that's all about you.

Where you're the most important
person in the entire world.

The hero.

Now we're all important Wayne,

and we're all unimportant.

We're all heroes in
some way to someone.

Now as for your story,

I think it was pretty cool.

So, there's-- there's not some--
some-- some big surprise

and I'm going to open my eyes
right where I died and--

I'm afraid not.

I was finally good at magic.

There's only one kind of magic
any of us need, Wayne.

It's the magic that
would let you live on.

It's the greatest
magic there is:

love.

And on that note, um,

I really hate to do this

-but I am
expecting someone.
-Oh.

So, you know--

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-If you could--

Possibly.

Headmaster, just one more thing.

Did I really spend seven
years at wizard school

to find out you believe love is
the greatest magic there is?

[audience laughs]

Yes.

[audience laughs]

See for yourself.

Okay.

Okay.

Wow!

A train station!

Oh, I'm dead.

[cheers] Yay!

And that is how Wayne
Hopkins, student died.

You probably know
the rest of the story.

The boy who lived, lived
again, he vanquished evil--

Expelliarmus!

No!

But now at least you know
a slightly different story,
the story of the Puffs.

You know I think
eventually we all find that
little part of us, the Puff.

You know maybe
it's there in the moments
where you lose your keys,

or momentarily forget
how old you are,

or maybe it's that
part of you that works hard,

the part that remains loyal and
true despite whatever terrifying
monsters are thrown your way,

the part that plays fair
even when life is anything but.

Maybe that's a Puff there.

Now, one last question.

Where do I fit into all this?

Well, you'll get that answer
in our obligatory segment
nineteen years later.

Now remember what's
our number one rule.

No time-traveling.

That's my boy.

Young Scorpius!

Holy shit, Megan, you are never
going to believe what Potter
named his new kid.

Wait, where's Wayne?

Oh, I thought you had him.

Not this again.

Do you have my mom's?

Wayne!

-Wayne!
-[narrator] Mom, dad!

Mom, dad!

I'm scared to go to school.

I'll be honest with you,
Wayne, you should be.

[audience laughs]

When I was there,
if it wasn't an evil teacher,

it was a giant snake or
soul-sucking security guards.

One year there was a sports
tournament, someone died.

Oh, you'll be fine.

Just remember through
it all, no matter if you're
a Brave, a Smart,

students who always speak
like they're about to throw a
glass of white wine in your face

or a Puff.

Don't worry about it too much.

It's just what some Hat thinks.

And hey, Wayne,
what's three times four?

Well, I don't know.

Yeah, well, don't worry
about that either.

[audience laughs]

There's no math class.

Yeah, I'm not so
bitter about that.

Just worry about the wizarding.

But what if I'm bad
at being a wizard?

Oh, son, you are named after
someone who started out as
one of the worst wizards ever.

Now, you've got
a train to catch.

Oh, I like trains.

Eew, mom, gross.

Okay, you ready for this? New
kid named Albus Severus.

Oh, I can beat it. Scorpius.

No.

Man, these people have no
idea how to name children.

[train whistling]

Have you seen Potter?
That new ministry job he's got

has him so overworked
that I feel bad for the guy.

What?

I feel bad for his family,
his youngest kid.

It's like he's cursed.

He is a cursed child.

[audience laughs]

Parts one and two.

[audience laughs]

Now playing internationally.

What are you talking about?

I don't know. I'm tired.

Hey, what house do you
think he'll get sorted into?

I have a pretty good idea.

¶¶¶

[audience clapping and cheering]

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ It's going down ¶

¶ Get going Puffs ¶

¶ Never put it down ¶

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ Get going Puffs ¶

¶ Now work hard ¶

¶ Don't let them put you down ¶

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ It's going down ¶

¶ Get going Puffs ¶

¶ Never put it down ¶

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ Get going Puffs ¶

¶ Now work hard ¶

¶ Don't let them put you down ¶

¶ Take a potion drink
Take a butter drink ¶

¶ Take a fire drink
Take a pumpkin drink ¶

¶ Take a butter drink
It's field trip ¶

¶ Take a butter drink
Take a butter drink ¶

¶ Loyalty ¶

¶ Hard work ¶

¶ Other things-- ¶

Yo! Ha ha.

What's up, buttholes?

Yeah, Zach Smith in the house!

Hey! I know you.

You're Turds McGee, ha ha ha.

Burn! Whoo!

So, you dorks want
to play sports, aka
meet some hot ladies?

Uh-uh, u-uh. Ow!

Speaking of meeting
hot ladies, I'm in love.

Yeah.

The most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

Only problem is
she's a mermaid.

[audience laughs]

I was wandering around drunk
one time on that bridge.

I looked in the lake
and I saw her, Aquafina.

[audience laughs]

I'd go there and I'd visit her
and I'd throw her treats.

[audience laughs]

But she's been telling me that
her home has been messed up

because people have
been littering in the lake.

And I know who it is.

It's this jerk.

Yeah, yo, he's throwing your
Mountain Dew bottles in there.

Code Red or whatever.

Who even drinks that stuff?
Hey, man, that's her home!

We have recycling bins!

We don't care if we are a
magic school, we still recycle.

[audience laughs]

What if I went over there
and pissed all over your house?

Yeah, exactly.

Respect!

All right, let's start
these tryouts!

All right, that's enough!
Give me that.

Yike!

I'm going to take a dump
in your living room.

[audience laughs]

All right!

These tryouts are over
and guess what, you,

-you made the team.
-Really?

Nope, loser! Ha ha, I got you.

You just got got!

The rest of you, you
definitely made the team.

Nope, losers!
Ha ha, look at you.

You're al happy
and now you're sad,

sad just like Aquafina
is because her home is
destroyed because of this jerk!

It's the one-man team.

Zach Smith!

[audience claps and cheers]

Yeow! Ha, ha!

What's up, buttholes?

Yeah, Zach Smith in the house!

Parkour!

[audience laughs]

I know you!

You're Turds McGee.

Burn!

So, you dorks want
to play sports, aka
meet some hot ladies?

Uh-uh, uh-uh, yeow!

Parkour!

[audience laughs]

[audience claps]

That's right.

Not only do I run
these tryouts in sports,

I'm a trained parkour artist
and I know how to do
dance fighting capoeira.

[audience laughs]

Parkour!

All right, let's start
these tryouts!

All right, that's enough!

Give me that! Yike!

These tryouts are over.
And guess what,

you

-made the team.
-Really?

Nope, loser, I got you!

You just got got! Ha ha!

The rest of you,

you definitely made the team.

-Really?
-Nope, losers, ha ha!

Now you're all happy,
now you're sad.

Looks like I'm-- because
I am out of breath.

All right, this is a one-man
team, Zach Smith!

Parkour!

Pay attention.

Sometimes when a, um,

wizard

loves a witch very, very much

ask your parents.

The birds,

the bees,

Lilith.

¶¶¶

Hey, do you want to
see my invisibility cloak?

I use it to sneak around
the school and break
all sorts of rules.

Sometimes I steal books.

And hey, Wayne, it fits two.

Wink-wink.

Wink-wink-wink.

Bye, Wayne.

[singing] My name
is Harry and I am invisible.

[kissing]

Hey, do you remember in year two

when that teacher got rid
of all of my bones?

My arm looked like this.

Now I have new bones!

New bones!

Bye, Wayne.

Hey, Cedric. Love your bones.

¶¶¶