All language subtitles for 하우 투 메이크 러브 라이크 언 잉글리쉬맨 (2014)

Improved By: Fidel33
Sub Upload Date: October 16, 2015

RICHARD: It's important
you understand...

It's not you, it's me.

What we have is so special.

I love you more than I can say.

But I'm sorry.

Truly, Because...
I fucked up.

Look... I owe you
an explanation.

But honestly,
I don't know where to begin.

Well, Maybe there...

at the beginning.

You see. I grew up above a great party.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

- (LOUD MOANING)
- WOMAN: Oh, Gordon!

YOUNG RICHARD: Mommy?

GORDON: She's... she's in the kitchen.

Just what are you doing?

I'm waiting for your mother to bring out
the hors d'oeuvres. Now bugger off.

RICHARD: After school.
I used to love to listen..

...to my father lecture.

GORDON: Now the faculty would
have me teach it was Wordsworth.

Keats and Coleridge who,
in writing about love.

Defined the Romantic Age.

And they've told me to ignore Byron.

Mad, bad, and dangerous to
know was how one of his many...

...lovers described him.
He was controversial,

Now did you know,
this esteemed establishment told Byron

that he wasn't allowed to bring
his beloved dogs to college.

So he said "screw the rules".

He went out and he
bought himself a bear.

Brought it to class
on a chained leash,

He tied up to that
very pipe just there.

So, you see, it was Byron
who defined the Romantic Age,

which wasn't about love.
It was about going your own way.

Defying authority and
following your heart.

Sticking it to the man and
as many women as possible.

Now that...that is Romantic!

(LAUGHTER)

And if the faculty don't
like me saying so,

Well, they can take this job
and they can shove it.

Because like Mr. Bob Dylan, I ain't gonna
work on Maggie's Farm no more!

(CHEERING)

RICHARD: Dad hated authority...
and everyone loved him for it.

All I wanted was to be just like him.

Forget the critics.

Let them have their opinions.

Let them publish their books
and brag about them at tedious...

...faculty parties
and let university librarians

file those books away.

The faculty
has called this class;

"The Romantics and Literary Theory".

I want you all to forget the
second half of this sentence.

There's nothing theoretical
about the Romantics.

"Where true love burns,
desire is love's pure passion.

"It is the reflex
of our earthly frame

"that takes its meaning from
the nobler part, and but translates...

- "the language of The heart".
- KATE: Wakey, wakey, Professor Haig.

Oh. Shit.
it's Saturday, isn't it'?

No, don't look like that.
Are you sure about this?

I mean, I make a terrible
first impression.

Will you relax, Richard?
My dad is gonna love you.

Really?

Yeah. You'll have
lots to talk about.

Yeah? Corporate
Hard-nosed raider meets

libidinous Lit professor.
It's a match made in heaven.

I just want my dad to
meet the wonderful man

I've been dating for
the last six months,

Six months?

Broke your record, didn't I?

- Crazy.
- "Love is begun by time.

and time qualifies the spark
and fire of it all."

Relax. You're still
very sparky, darling.

Really sparky, I mean...

Well, my Liege, I must hie me
to Heathrow, thou to London'

- chimes of 6:00 sharp.
- Sure, of course.

- Sharp.
- 6:00 chimes.

(MUSIC)

OLIVIA: Sal, Sal, I've got to go. Why?

Because we've been talking for so long.

I've lost track of
time. Space and myself.

SAL: Hello, hello, Olivia?

- DOORMAN: Not to worry. Madam.
- I'll call maintenance.

We'll fish it out later.

SAL: Are you there'?
Can you hear me?

- Please don't.
- Hello?

Olivia?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Aúpa! There you go.

Are they fishing your
phone out of the drain?

OLIVIA: No, I told them not to.

I am cutting myself
off from the world.

Footloose, fancy-free.

Won't That be lonely'?
An island unto yourself?

- No.
- Madame?

Can I have a glass
of red wine, please?

BARTENDER: Yes, madame.

No, I would populate the
island with all new people.

People that I actually like.

Yes, but then things change.
The people you thought you'd like...

turn out to be as bad as
the people you left behind.

Soon you're moving to another
island and so it goes on,

ad infinitum.

You know my solution?

Get along with everyone.

Really?

Then why are you here alone in a
hotel bar on a Saturday night?

Well, I certainly
wouldn't keep you waiting.

Exactly. Because you
never know what kind of...

handsome stranger
I might start talking to.

"I do desire we become
better strangers."

Pulling out the Shakespeare.

Is that line successful
for you normally?

I had my moments with it.

You know?
Comme ci. Cumme ca.

DOORMAN: Excuse me, sir. Ma'am.

Oh.

Thank you. You're so kind.

There you go. Back on the grid.

Why is that the most helpful
people are always around

when you do not want any help?

Yeah, well, give him a minute.
He'll be back with a shoemaker.

On the other hand,
it's nice to be looked after...

- ..every now and then.
- Mm-hm.

The other day, I found myself
opening a door for a man.

What happened to chivalry?

You know why guys
open doors for women?

No.

So we can check out
your asses as you walk by.

Well, You're just full of all these
amazing insights. Aren't you?

I can tell within one minute
of meeting someone...

if I want to be with them.

How about me?

Do you want to be with me?

Yes.

For one more minute.

Okay.

You've got a minute.

What are you gonna do with it?

KATE: Olivia? Oh, my god! Hi!

What are you doing here?

I... I was in Dublin in...
in the book festival.

And Dad called me and told
me that you were coming,

that he was meeting you here and that
I should come and surprise you. Surprise!

He flaked on us, didn't he?

KATE: Yes.

So how did you two
make the connection? Hi.

You're the famous Olivia?

My beautiful sister, Olivia'

Olivia, my gorgeous
Englishman, Richard Haig.

- Thank you.
- You look great.

KATE: So, me, my dad and my
mom are staying at this hotel

that we always stay at,
And my dad keeps running off.

Saying he has meetings
or appointments or whatever.

And finally my Mom gets fed up.
And she decides to tail him...

...one day, to one
of his "meetings".

Ends up following him to
the other end of the beach.

Where Livvy is
staying with her mom...

And all hell breaks loose.

Our dad is leading a double life.

Like raising two families
at the same time.

What a naughty boy.

KATE: Right? Crazy.

Anyway, I take Kate to the
beach. I'm sitting there and I'm

trying to process everything.
You know? What my father did.

My poor Mom.

And the fact that I have
this little, lovely sister.

For me, I mean, I was stoked.
I always wanted a big sister.

And I decide the only way we can protect
each other from this craziness

is if Kate and I make
a pact, no secrets.

Absolute honesty.

From this day forward.
We would tell each other everything.

Hmm.

No matter what, always.

KATE: And we have.
And we're, like, best friends.

So, Livvy. How is your Alan?

What?

Ah.

Please, tell us about Alan.

He's great.

KATE: Livvy's Alan is the
Alan Sloan, you know,

- the romance writer?
- Really?

And Livvy edits his books
and they're totally in love,

Madly and totally in love
with a romance writer?

That sounds fascinating.

Well. No more than the
Romantics professor's passion

for his students, surely.

- Oh.
- Livvy. Be nice.

Yes, Kate.

Would either of you like
a little taste of my steak?

KATE: No, thanks.

It's very tender.

You're unbelievable, aren't you'?

I'm sorry?

Of course, on the verge
of graduating, going home.

She's the perfect catch
for you, isn't she?

- Hey!
- I get it. I get it.

He's hot and funny and smart
and he's got the suave accent!

But all I see is a Lothario
with an eternally wandering eye

who simply charmed the
pants off you. Literally.

Livvy, what are you doing?

Kate, I know. This feels
like love, but no. No. No, No.

This is not love. This is a fling!

How do you know?
What are you even saying?

Obviously, you are looking
for for a father figure, but in our case.

it means a self-centered, cheating
womanizer who's not to be trusted.

And you're just so young,
you can't see it.

Really? How young were you when
you ran off with Anwar, huh'?

- We thought I was pregnant!
- Well, I am.

- What?
- What?

I... I wanted to tell
you earlier. But...

Pregnant, with a... with a baby?

Yeah. I wanted to
tell you another way.

But this is like so weird. I just...

No, this is the perfect way.
This is really the perfect way. I think.

You know what? This is great.
Really great.

- Well, that was so heartfelt.
- Livvy, Livvy.

Thank you so much for supper.

Remind me never to do this again.

I'm just gonna go outside
and get some fresh air.

- What do you mean?
- Excuse me. Air.

- Yeah. Run.
- What?

- Richard?
- Yeah?

- Richard! Look.
- Yeah! I'm here.

I know I just dropped
a bomb on you back there,

So. Right here, right now.
I'm giving you the out.

I just want some air. That's all.

You just need some time to think.

It's... it's fine. I get it,

So, I'm moving to L.A.

Oh.

I got a really cool job
at a venture capital firm.

You're full of surprises today.

You'll love L.A. It'll be
like Cambridge-ish, but with

a lot of palm trees and like.
Chicks with tans and stuff.

Oh, honey, you're all clammy.

Really. I just need
some air. That's all really.

Okay.

Yeah, okay. I'll be back in
there, go ahead. You go.

- Richard.
- Yeah?

You're going to be a great father.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Did you have a good
dinner then, sir?

(VOMITS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

GORDON: All right, where the
buggering hell have you been?

I said 6:00.

Sorry about that, Dad.

Didn't realize your grumbling
ran on such a tight schedule.

Bloody miserable
out there as usual.

Agh, agh, agh,
don't touch that!

Oh, good god. Dad,
I'm not five-years-old.

JOAN: Hi, Richard, dear.

Hello, Joan.

How is everything'?

Oh, just terrific.
Thanks for asking.

You still boffing
the Yank totty, are you?

Yes, she's a great girl.

Bright, beautiful, ambitious.

You mean,
a horrible little upstart,

determined to 'go places'.

So tell me, when are you
going to start going places?

Oh, good god, please don't
start with this again, Dad!

GORDON: Oh Come on, Jesus, Come on
when I was your age. I mean I'd been

the head of the department
for seven years!

Yeah, and it made
you so happy, didn't it, Dad?

All right, what's the grievance today'?

Split infinitive, too many used?
Too many women with jobs?

It's his waterworks.

He's got to go back into
hospital next week.

- Stop talking about my cock, woman.
- Tell me something, Dad.

Why did you and Mom get married?

Now, what kind of an

inane question is that
for a Thursday evening?

For a man who revels
in reckless promiscuity.

Your four marriages do
beg some questions.

Your mother fed me regularly.

She pleasured me
half decently now and then.

What more could a man want?

Oh, I don't know, friendship?

Someone to see the world
with, have a laugh with.

Maybe even start a family with.

Good God, man.

You've fallen for that
little slice of American pie.

Dad.

Now you listen to me.
This might be the most important

bit of advice that I ever give you.

American women may be fun and
Victoria's Secret when you

first bed them. But as soon as
they get their claws into you.

They stop fucking and start eating.

And the only ass you're
gonna get is a fat one!

Why did I open my mouth?

American women invariably
become spouters of self-help

platitudes, they're addicted to designer
labels, dieting and frozen yogurt.

- Overall, thoroughly nasty, selfish, vain creatures
- That don't fuck.

Thank you for your fatherly advice.

Good night, Joan!

GORDON: Bugger off, then!

See if I care!

Kate! Kate!

Screw Cambridge! I'm in.

- Really?
- Really.

- Really?
- Yes, come on.!

Up and away we set off

Secretly scared we'd get lost

Up in the clouds over the town

Beyond the wall

Some of us knew we might fall

Under the weight of it all

And though we'd been warned
of the oncoming storms

Still we stood tall

So from the moonlight

Straight to the sunrise

This will be our time

Free-falling nosedive

Look into the world, Jakey.

It's a beautiful world.

Ooh.

Do you need the booby now'?
Do you want the booby?

Yes, There's a boy
after my own heart.

The whole world in our sights

Like a miniature paradise...

Okay, family. Here we go.

Here you are. Jakey.
Welcome home,

A modest 'little house'
which your granddad bought your

mom out of guilt.
Don't fall in the pool'

KATE: I won't.

You probably will never meet anyway.

He has a very bad habit
of never showing up'

KATE: Hey.

All right.

Oh, I'm gonna call Livvy.
Can you take the baby'?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Okay.

I know it's easier to read the
critics and the CliffNotes.

But forget about them.

Read the poems,
Put the time in.

After all, "Nothing
will come of nothing".

What was that from? Hm?

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Anyone?

Hey, there you go!

DARYL: Yeah. I'm having
trouble getting on the Wi-Fi.

What's the password again?

I think they're all on Prozac.

ANGELA: Did you hear
from the university yet?

Um, no, they
went with the other guy.

ANGELA: I told you to kiss ass more.

Angela, please.

Well, I'm sure something
will open up soon at ULA,

Yeah, well, one can
only hope, can't one?

In the meantime, I'm
glad that you're still

slumming it here with us.

You city college lot
don't pull any punches, do you?

We will go 16 rounds with anyone.

Bring it on.

(MUSIC)

(LOUD CAR HORN)

Assehole.

JAKE: Asshole.

Never let me hear
you say that word, Jake.

The word is "ahh's-hole"
not "aah's-hole."

Can you say "ahh's-hole?"

- Asshole.
- Yes, elongate the A.

There we go.

I'll get them. I'll get them.

Oh, where...

Mama.

No, Mama is at work.

She'll be back later.

Mama.

No, that's Hummer.

Hummer.

Hah, well done. Hummer.

- KATE: Pull over,
- BRIAN: What?

- Pull over! Listen to this voice-mail.
- I can't pull over.

RICHARD: I thought he was
saying Mama, and then I realized

he was pointing at one of those
absurdly oversized tanks

driven no doubt by
some idiot with an absurdly

undersized penis. Jake...

- BRIAN: This is not an oversized car.
- All right.

KATE: He knows.

Hey there, sexy. Where are you?

- I'm in New York.
- Oh...

ALAN: Honey, do I look chunky?

Didn't mean to call
you sexy. Wrong person.

No, I look good.

OLIVIA: Hah-hah,
very funny. Is Kate there?

She's not back yet. Still banking.
Busy counting things.

Well. Tell her to call me
right, right away.

Because I have something
really big to tell her.

Well, no secrets
in the family, pray tell?

I can't believe that
I'm about to tell you...

KATE: Richard. I don't know
why this is so hard for me.

I've been trying to
tell you now for weeks.

- Alan's asked me to marry him.
- I'm in love with sombody else.

You're what?

We're getting married!

Don't act so surprised
that somebody asked me.

- Are you on the phone?
- Who... who is it'?

Who are you talking to?

Answer the question! Who is it'?

I just did!

Who's on the phone?

- Hello?
- Kate! Kate!

I have to call you back!
(DISCONNECTS)

What? Hello?

I was just. I mean.
I was really young. Okay?

Really young.
Not that you're not, of course.

But I really thought that I
loved you, but clearly I was

working through Daddy issues.
And then I got pregnant,

and you were just trying
to do the right thing.

And you've always been a really
good father, but let's face it,

you never really loved me.
But Brian does.

Brian? Brian? That
little idiot from the office?

He likes to talk to me
about start ups and acquisitions

and exit strategies.

I mean. All the stuff that you
think is so boring about me.

It is boring! God!

Why do you have to be so
goddamn English! Talk to me!

You can leave me.
But I am not leaving that boy.

Brian.

Richard, why can't
you just talk to me?

Now. I know two years
in the pool house makes me look

a little nut but
I'll say two things.

First, your Mom and Brian hated
me being there, which was

the most wonderful incentive
to stay. And secondly...

I wanted to be close to you.

MISTY: Good morning!

I think you're going
to want to see this.

Oh, Let me see it.

Is the Big Bad Professor awake yet'?

JAKE: Jake to Dad!
Breaker, breaker!

You got your ears on?
Um-okay...

- Are you awake?
- It's Jakey, just a second.

Get up. Are you having a sleepover?

Hi, Jakey! Good morning!
Where are you?

Can I come and play?

Just a second, Jakey!

- Hey.
- Hi.

Would you mind just skedaddling
for now'? It's my son,

Your son'? I love kids!
I babysit!

Sorry about this.
The perils of parenthood.

It's okay, it's okay.

- Come and see me during the week.
- When?

- Make it a Surprise.
- Oh! I love surprises, Okay, I will.

Okay. Good-bye.
(SLAP) Whoo!

- Who's that?
- What? Oh, just a friend of mine

Very busy lady.
She had to leave. There you go.

Aren't these uncomfortable?

That's why girls love
it when you take them off.

Come on, let's
get some pancakes.

Dad. Get on with it.

So, there we were.

And then, last week,
everything went pear-shaped.

MISTY: I have the papers you asked for.

Will that be all, Professor?

For now. Yes, thanks.

Great.

ANGELA: Excuse me.

Newest member of the
TA of the Month Club?

How dare you insinuate such a thing.

You have a visitor, Be nice.

Send them in.

PICKARD: Thank you,

Professor Pickard, what a delight!

How's your father these days?

Loving life. He is Happy as a clam.

That's good to hear.
Well. I received your..

..application for the
position at the University'

I was in the area,
so I thought I would just pop by

and invite you to a soirée
I'm giving tomorrow.

- Splendid.
- The faculty will be there, of course.

I thought it might be a good
idea if you do come by and

just sort of butter them up.
Not me, by the way.

- I consider myself lavishly buttered.
- Oh, Well that's good to know.

So we'll see you there'?

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

ALAN: "Dustin Kalarney"
just sold its 5 millionth copy.

You're unbelievable!

ALAN: What?

Here I am splayed out
like an open-faced sandwich

so we can have a baby.
And all you care about...

NURSE: Mr. Sloan?

ALAN: Um.

NURSE: Would you mind signing
a copy of your book for me?

Of course. Did you like it'?

Are you kidding? It was great.

Really? Is that Desiree
with two E's or one E?

Ow! What the hell was that for?

Oops, it slipped.
Can I have my phone back, please?

There you go. You can do it,
just concentrate.

Nice big swing. That's it,

Dad, I suck.

No. You don't, you don't.
You look great, just...

BRIAN: Oh, who's here!
Jakey, what up, dawg?

Yo, give me some love,
Blow it up. Blow it up.

JAKE: Jellyfish sting!

BRIAN: Jellyfish sting!

Lots of Love. Now we were
just playing a little ball here.

Oh, right, right.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

That's all right, Okay.

Hey, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?

What are you doing?
Dude, you're a righty. You gotta

switch your hands around.
Come around there.

Go ahead.

- Bat up.
- Keep your eye on the ball. Hit it to Dad!

Owwww!!!

- Sorry. Dad!
- It's okay! Agh!

Are you okay? Are you okay?

I'm okay, son. I'm all right.

It's just an
occupational hazard'

BRIAN: Yeah. That
looks pretty bad.

No, this? It's okay.
Jakey!

- Hey!
- Hey.

- Did you remember Atlanta?
- Yeah, No. Atlanta?

- Brian and I, four days. Conference.
- Got it.

We leave the day after tomorrow?

Good, sounds good. I'll be there.

- Well, no, you'll be here.
- I'll be here, but...

- Yeah. Here's Jakey's schedule.
- Great!

I left a copy in your room,
and another one on the fridge.

All right, that's good.

- So. Um, yeah.
- All right, I'm on it.

- Okay.
- Jawoh!, mein Fuhrer.

Okay.

No, I understand. But
I strongly believe that three

slaves is enough. It's enough'
Come on.

(LOUD MOANING)

You!

Dr. Collins!

You miserable son of a bitch!

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

RICHARD: Yeah!

Jesus.

Come in.

Shouldn't you be at work?

Yeah, covering the Asian markets.

Oh, hey, by the way.
I can get you in on a pretty

sweet no-load. These guys
are killing it right now.

I can get you 15%, 18%.
You just say the word.

The word is no.
What is it you want'? I'm busy.

This letter came for you,
it's about your green card.

I'm sorry, bro, I opened it before
I saw who it was addressed to.

Just read it, Brian. Thank you.

I mean, you've opened
it. Just read it.

All right. "This is your final warning.

"If you and your spouse fail to
attend your interview next week,

deportation proceedings
will be initiated."

Blimey, mate.

Looks like you could be in a
spot of bother with the bobbies!

Keep working
on the accent, Brian.

Close the door on the way out.

- Cheerio!
- Shut up!

I love the dentist,
I'm not drooling am I'?

ASSISTANT: Hello, Mr. Haig.
Thank you.

You can't Drink alcohol
when taking this medication.

- Really?
- Yes.

- No?
- No.

Absolutely not. Wouldn't dream
of it. Thank you so much.

- No alcohol.
- Good.

- We'll see you soon.
- Can't wait'

Look forward to it.
Thank you so much.

- No alcohol.
- No alcohol.

- I mean it.
- I mean it, too.

Okay, let's go this way.

Anytime you feel like it,
jump in and lavish me with praise.

ANGELA: Copy that.

- So glad you could make it.
- Oh, thank you.

- Here you are.
- Thanks, wonderful.

Please, help yourself to refreshments.

My wife made her
famous cheese balls.

Please be sure to try one and
compliment her accordingly.

Will do. Mm.

There are some very,
very important people here.

I'd like you to meet them, Mm.

And they are your
kind of people, Richard.

Come this way.

My dear colleagues.
This is Richard Haig.

This is Professor Vale, Bates, Berg,

- Ang and Professor Jones.
- Hello.

Can we do that again?
I forgot your names already.

(LAUGHS)

JONES: It is a damn shame we
didn't hire you. What was it.

Three years ago?

Three years, two months and
17 days. But who's counting?

- You know, I met your father once.
- Oh, yeah?

He delivered a fascinating
lecture, a retort to Terry Hearts.

a hermeneutical reading
of Milton's "Paradise Lost".

Wish I'd been there for that one?

Where are you from in England?
And are you a Rich or a Dick?

I'm a Richard.

- Your father took a structural stance...
- You know. The missus and I. We love it over there.

- We go every summer.
- You do? Great.

(ACCENT) Cheers again, matey!
(LAUGHS)

Richard, I want to let you know that these

fervent minds here have taken
great care looking over your

application materials,

Never trust an Englishman
who doesn't drink, Richie Boy!

- Syllabus...
- On an epistemological level.

Academics, Yup-Yup-Yup-Yup-

PICKARD: I do have one small
question for you, however-.

This one is the biggest yapper of them all.

How are the Romantics relevant
to today's students?

You want me to answer
this question now?

I'm sure we'd all enjoy
hearing just a taste of

one of your lectures.

A taste?

A mere amuse-bouche, is all.

Why not the whole meal?

Why don't you come down
and see me in action?

You know, I happen to
be free on Thursday.

Christ, what about that?

I see you've
already met my wife.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm just going to go outside
for a moment here.

And just jump in front of a bus.

ANGELA: Where are you going?
You didn't even say goodbye.

That's true.

Bye!

I wonder if he
was flirting with me?

Oh, my god!

(CRASH) Oh, shit!

Oh, bollocks!

(SIREN)

Shit. Good evening, Officer.

Oh, boy, have I been drinking?

(LAUGHS) Oops.

I drink every night. (LAUGHS)

How about you. Oohh!!

Can't we all just get along?

Thanks.

Oh.

Thanks again for "Bailing me out.“

and for the silent treatment.

KATE: Don't talk to me.

I still can't believe it.

- Can't believe what?
- I wasn't talking to you.

And I wasn't talking
to you, my darling.

Little fornicating ex-wife.

- Shut up, Richard.
- Alan dumped me.

What a small world, my...
my wife did exactly the

same thing. She used to adore me.

Where, oh, where did the love go?

She turned 30 and wised up.

So. Uh, what's going on?
Why are you here, Olivia?

KATE: Thank you so
much for helping out.

It's the least I can do.

Helping... helping out?
Helping out with what?

I needed to know that Jake was
going to be looked after, fed and

driven by a responsible person
with a valid driver's license.

Fine, why her?

Livvy offered to come at
a very difficult time for her.

To bail us out of the
mess that you put us in!

You know what?
I've had enough of this.

You know. You say "l" a lot.

Really?

Well, I know that Jake loves
having you around.

But I'm getting phone calls
from your immigration attorney

Because you don't
ever bother to call him back!

I can't be in your
life any more!

I'm enabling your
degenerate behavior!

And what is the point
of all this right now?

Richard, if you want me
to pretend like we're happily

married. So you
can stay in this country,

you better get it together.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Yeah?

GORDON: Gotcha.
I woke you up, didn't I?

Dad? Is that you?

You know. There are
no time zones in China,

- Did you know that?
- The whole bloody country

is on Peking time and
that's the way it should be.

- We should all be on Peking time.
- Don't be a dumb prat.

The whole world
should be on London time.

Okay. What do you want, Dad?

How's the little turd?

Don't call him that.

Come on. You're far too bloody sensitive.

All right, great
to hear from you, Dad.

Why don't you go
badger Joan? Okay?

She's not here.

Oh, shit! Okay.
I've got to go. Goodbye-.

Richard Haig?

Thank you.

ERNESTO: So your interview is
Monday. This is the forth quarter

now, two minute warning,
you got no timeouts left.

What the hell
are you talking about?

If your ex-wife won't
show up to your interview.

It's going to be Hail Mary time, baby.

Okay.

So, did you get a full-lime job?

I'm doing my best.

Have you recently joined
any terrorist organizations?

Applied all over.
Fingers crossed.

Have you ever been arrested?

Umm... DUI.

When? How many years ago?

Friday.

I mean, they can't kick me
out of the country for that,

- can they?
- Jakey's a U.S. citizen.

You see the people in
my waiting room? The kid.

Born here. The parents, illegal.
They're deporting the parents!

Oh. Yeah, it's Game seven...
win or go home time.

All right, look. if you
join a recovery program now...

- What? Recovery?
- You do the 10

mandated sessions the court's
going to give you for the DUI.

10? That's going to take me weeks.

Hell week, baby,
two-a-days. You get your

ex-wife to your interview
and you get a great job.

You do all that and you
get the ring, baby. Okay?

Yes...

...of course.

Hijos de puta.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(CAR STARTS)

Ay!

(CRASH)

Oops!

Everything all right?

Yeah. Why?

Want to borrow my car?

Okay, if you're not using it.

(DEEP SIGH)

(CAR STARTS)

That's good!
That's good! That's good!

Oops!

It's okay.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

What?

Did Kale tell you about
the one-way system at pick-up?

Uh-huh.

No. I didn't think so. It's okay.

All right, Toots, step on it!

Oh, boy.

Stop sign! Stop Sign!
Stop Sign!

- Car! Car! Jesus.
- (CAR HORNS)

Agh. Jeez.

Where the hell did you
learn how to drive?

Mexico.

- (CELL PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, can you please get that?

Where's my phone'?
Where's my phone'?

- I'm waiting for a very call...
- Here you go, Sorry, it's down here.

Hello?

ASSISTANT: Olivia, I have Tim Prince from Creative.

Management Lit for you.

Okay.

Can't he dial the phone by himself?

Ssh!

TIM: Hey, babes!

Hi!

Yeah, oh, listen,
so sorry about Alan. Awful.

Thanks, Tim. Thank you.

I caught my ex-wife in
Downward Dog with my tantra

teacher coming out of her
Central Eye. You feel so...

- Angry.
- Who the hell is this guy?

TIM: Okay, listen, babes, if
anyone can go from editor to

author, it's you, and I mean
that. And I've got your sample

chapter, Give me a day or
two to look it over.

- Of course.
- I'll be gentle. I promise.

Who says I like it gentle?

That's my girl. Okay.
Gotta jump.

- Bye, babes.
- Bye!

Fascinating exchange.

How can men move on so quickly?

What?

It's like a switch for you, isn't it?

You flip it off. Then you turn
to the next one, you flip that

one on, and when you get tired
of that you just flip another,

Like a pilot in a cockpit,
Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip

What the hell are you talking about?

Wishful thinking, Richard.
I wish I was like that,

Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!
Do not enter! Wrong way, wrong way.

- Oh. Relax. Relax.
- I am. I am very relaxed.

- You're like an old lady!
- Oohh!

You men. You'd rather just
go out there and have sex.

Than work things out.

Yeah. Guilty as charged.

But your horniness is
nothing but a big mask

for you to hide behind.

Now what's wrong
with a big mask'? Huh?

- Let me ask you something.
- Yeah.

How can you teach the
Romantics. When you can't

Even have a real feeling?

Is irritation a real feeling?
I mean, listening to your flirt

on the phone with some
guy who's calling you babes.

- Oh, please.
- Oohing and ahhing.

No, I like it gentle.
Good lord,

Anyone would think you
were having an orgasm.

I do not sound like that when I...

Anyway, you should
hear some of the

stupid noises you
guys make when you're...

You can't even say the word.
Can you? Come on,

What do we sound like?

For example.
You have the bear...

Ah-aa.

(GRUNTS)

I can see your tonsils.

Then you have
the sports commentators.

(RAPID SPANISH)

Oh, yeah?

Baja la pelota, recibe con el pecho,
mete mano en el área chica. Gol!

- What kind of men have you been with?
- And then there's the quiet ones.

(SQUIRMING)

You finished?

- No.
- Of course not.

And then the worst one, the
worst one is the Tourette's one.

- What?
- You know. "Shit, Fuck!

"I love you, fuck me!
Oh, motherfucker, bitch!

I love you. Fuck me!
Fuck me! Fuck me!"

Hey, that's sounded like you, Dad.

Ah.

I heard him once
on the Walkie-talkie.

Mr. Haig, do you have a minute?

Of course, I do.
Come on, Toots, this way.

ANITA: This morning, Jake said he
had a question about the rules.

He asked if he was allowed to
use the Special Alphabet.

Oh, boy.

I didn't know what that was.

So he asked if he was
allowed to say the "A" word.

Oh.

Then he asked,
"Can I say bugger, crap, dummy?"

And when he got to F, he said,
"Am I allowed to say 'frick,'

Because I know I'm not
allowed to say fuck."

It was at that point,
that I sent him to

the principal's office.

Then what did you say for G?

Goddamn.

CHANDLER: Mr. Haig, how is
Jake adjusting to your new...

living situation?

- No. No.
- No. No, this is not

what it looks like or what it
sounds like. No. No. No. no'

CHANDLER: We don't need
to have an explanation.

I think there's
been a misunderstanding.

- I would never...
- You've said enough.

Oh, wonderful!

I'll walk to the curb. Mind your hands!

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
Um, I'm just going to get...

some delicious Potatoes
Latinos. Hah-hah'

Hah-hah, yeah.
And maybe a manicure?

Or a bikini wax.

Bye! I'll see you later.
You take care,

- Whatever.
- Bye.

WENDY: We have two
new members today.

We have Cindy and Richard.
So, Cindy, you want to...

CINDY: Hi, I'm Cindy
and I'm an alcoholic.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Cindy. Uh, Richard?

Hi, I am Richard,
and I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm English, a country with... a
few thousand years of history,

And part of that history is the
communal practice of having a

drink in the pub.

Now I know it's not your fault
a few sad, sorry. Pilgrims

arrived here and infected
your country with a message of...

Puritanical masochism. But it
is your fault you've all taken

it on board quite so earnestly.
So... you chaps go ahead.

Knock yourselves out!

But just know this, the first
thing I intend to do when

this hour is up. Is hit
that bar across the street

and have a nice cold one.

CHAD: Good luck with that!

Thank you, Chad.

How are the Romantics
relevant to you?

MALE STUDENT: Yeah, you know.
The only reason I'm taking

this class is so
I can get my GPA up,

so I can play baseball
at Arizona State. so...

How about you, Stacy?

how are the Romantics
relevant to you? Hm?

STACY: They're not.

(SNORING)

You have been such a
wonderful audience. I can't

wait to see you all next week,
when I shall be lecturing

naked wearing a sombrero.
It'll be so wonderful!

Fuck me.

TIM: Olivia?

Hey, babes! There you are!

Oh, Tim, Hi!

TIM: How are you, beautiful?

Okay. About this...

This rocks!

Really?

It is smart. It is funny.
Oh. I love Jenna.

Jane.

You might want to change that.

Sex sells, Jane makes
me think of a nun in a wimple,

God, but you are so talented,

You're so beautiful, too.
And trust me, that helps, babe.

I'm gonna take you to the stars.
I am gonna take you to the stars.

All I ask is that these
shoulders be the ones you

stand upon. Watch the silk,
though? Huh?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

- Hello?
- ERNESTO: Richard. Listen.

They've assigned
your case for investigation.

Really? What does that mean?

You're under surveillance
by an undercover federal agent.

- Jesus, fuck!
- Yes, Relax.

Sorry. Sorry.

Shit. He's here tonight.
He just flashed his badge.

Don't fumble the ball now!

All that matter is that you exhibit
good moral character, okay?

WENDY: Okay, everybody! Grab a seat!

Okay, so, Chad, I believe
you wanted to start us off?

CHAD: I'm Chad, and
I am 13 days sober.

- Yeah! Way to go, Chad! Woo-hoe!
- All right, Chad!

All right, so why don't you tell us
how that feels?

CHAD: Well, you know.
It started by not going...

Wendy? Excuse me, Wendy,
just a moment there, please.

Sorry, everyone. Can I say something?

Sorry, Chad, I didn't mean
to interrupt your moment

of glory there.
Um. My name is Richard.

and I'd like to amend my earlier comments
about the drinking habits of the English.

I mean, just because the entire country
hits the pub after work doesn't mean

we can't all be alcoholics,
because we are.

We are inebriates.
National disgrace.

What else? I'm married, very happily so.

Oh, and I have a son.
A beautiful little son called Jakey.

Born here, in this country, a country which
I love and has such meaning to my heart.

So, Richard...

with all of that to lose,

why would you get drunk
and then get behind the wheel of a car?

Yep, Well, there you have it.
I'm an alcoholic.

Oop, I'm Richard, alcoholic.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
Sorry. Yeah.

Jakey?Jake, no, no, no. no.

No. Jakey, just tell
him, just tell him...

tell him just to calm down.

WENDY: Okay, no more cell phones.

(CRYING) Hey, hey, I'm here,
I'm here, it's okay. It's...

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

It's all right, don't worry.
Don't worry.

Ssh. I know, I know.
Come on, Jakey, calm down.

Calm down, just breathe.
There you go'

Breathe. Breathe, okay, ssh.
Relax, use your words.

- I...I had a bad dream.
- Okay.

Then I woke up, and Mommy
wasn't here, and you were gone, And...

Aw. I'm really sorry, okay?

Hey, you know what
we're gonna do'?

We're gonna blow that
bad dream away. Okay?

(BLOWING)

Here let me catch it.

And then..

Pooww!

Look, how it's all gone.
Okay. Give us a hug.

All right. Where's Teddy?

Oops. There he is.

All right, let's go to sleep.
Come on, Say good night.

Good night.

There you go.
My little warrior poet.

Go to sleep.

Dad, you and Mom are never going
to live together, are you?

No.

I'm sorry, but if you're
ever upset about anything.

Anything at all, you go talk
to your mum or talk to me.

Or Brian?

Only if I'm stuck down a mine
and your mom's in a coma.

Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.

I... I was completely useless.

No, It's okay.

I can't even take care
of my little sister's child.

I mean, how hard can that be? Right?

Have you ever felt like
everybody else has gotten their

shit together, but you?

I mean, my little sister has.
Even you have.

Huh. Well, I
wouldn't go that far,

Look, it's just a lot different
when it's your own kid.

Well, I wouldn't
know about that, either.

Listen, I made some soup.
Would you like some?

It's horrible.

Sure. I love horrible soup.

I know, it's horrible.
I can't even make a soup right.

Oh, boy.

You know, you're
a really good father.

Oh, yeah, sure I am.

Richard, I'm giving you a compliment.
Just say thank you.

Thank you, Olivia.

I like it when you say my name.

You know. It's funny.
Most women adore me to begin

with, and then end up hating me.

You, on the other hand,
hated me right off the bat,

but now I think you despise me.

No, I despised
you at the beginning.

Now, I just loathe you
a little sometimes.

Well.

I've been staying inside

Watching from the outside

My God, it's been a long time

For sure

I've been reaching for my west side

'Cause it used to be my best side

Now it's a part of me I can't find

Anymore

I wanna fly...

I packed your toothbrush.
Your pajamas, and...

Hey. Guys! What's happening?

- Where are you going?
- My Sleepover!

Oh, yeah! The sleepover,
of course. All right.

Well, give me a kiss and have
a good night. There you go, soldier.

- Cool!
- Have fun, Jakey!

- FRIEND'S MOTHER: Let's go,
- Good night.

FRIEND'S MOTHER:
Enjoy your night off.

(MUSIC)

(KNCKS ON DOOR)

Hello?

TIM: Oh, there he is.
What's up, Rich?

Hi, Richard.

Yeah. Great, well done.

Leaving now, yeah, good
Sorry about that.

Yeah.

He's a little weird, huh?

(CAR STARTS) Bye!

TIM: Hey, I'll be
back for more, huh?

Bye, babes.

Had to leave early, did he?

Well, he did stay
until he got the job done.

That was good of him.

Yeah, he's gonna come
back tomorrow and bring a

friend. So we can
all do it together.

The more the merrier.

Oh, for Christ's sake,
we were working and then he

went surfing. You idiot. Now
where is that bottle of wine?

I could use a drink.

Came on up.

There you go.

Apology accepted.

Oh, good.

To friends.

To friends.

A bit old for
homework, aren't you?

Well. It's never too
late to perfect new ways of

boring one's students.

So. You must be very excited
to have Tim all over you.

So to speak. about your book.

Well. Tonight
he tore me to pieces.

Ooh.

It's hard to
be judged by others.

It's very difficult to stay
true to your own voice,

when everybody else wants
you to do something else.

It made me think of Alan.

All the notes that I gave
him through the years.

It must have tortured him.

So it's not all bad, then.

I'll be honest' I always
thought he was an arrogant.

Little shit. whose books
were vapid and hackneyed.

And all I could ever think
about when I skim-read them...

was you.

Me?

You.

Yes. And what
could have been worse?

Being married to him
or editing his schmaltzy drivel?

They both sucked.

Do you know who he's screwing?

MY gynecologist!

My gynecologist! I mean.

I actually thought
that he was coming to our

appointments because he cared!

But no. He wanted
to see the doctor!

Maybe you're
better off without him,

Think about it, you're smart,
you're funny, you're beautiful.

Terrible driver.
But I'm sure you'll find

someone to overlook that.

You're just saying that.

Well, you are smart,
you are funny

and you are very, very beautiful.

- What the hell happened to my car?
- Oh, Shit!

Oh, my nuts! They said they
weren't coming back until tonight!

- It's a good thing it's a military vehicle.
- Oh, my God!

Okay, okay.
To the house. To the house.

SEÑORA: Buenos días, Pedro.

PEDRO: Buenos días, señora.

KATE: Get the keys, sweetie?

Oh, you know what?
I think I left my phone in the car.

Hi.

You're naked.

If you're wondering
where Jake is,

he's at a sleepover with Josh.

- Why are you naked?
- Richard's sleeping in his house.

- I'm just gonna go and swim little more.
- Unbelievable.

ANGELA: Hey, how's the lecture coming'?

I've passed kidney
stones with greater ease.

Well, don't overthink it.
Just be honest, pithy, simple.

You know something?
I think you're the first

woman I've ever
really been friends with.

Well, that's a little sad.
Richard, but very touching.

What brought about the
sudden onset of sincerity?

I slept with someone and...

it actually meant something.

Well. That's great, Who?

Olivia.

Are you kidding?

Richard, why don't you go down
to your green card appointment.

Take out your samurai sword
and disembowel yourself?

What is wrong with you?
Are you trying to get deported?

I mean, Kate is gonna kill you!

Well. Kate's not going to
know about it, is she?

I mean, I'm not going to tell her,
and Olivia's not going to tell her.

They are sisters, Richard!
Close sisters!

And close sisters talk.

I gotta get over there!

- You better move!
- I'm going!

Oh, god!

Oh, god! Oh, god!

- Kate, Hi. How's everything? Good?
- KATE: Hey.

Olivia told me everything.

Oh, she did?

I think it's awesome
that she's started writing.

And she said you were really
nice to her when I was away.

Oh, wonderful.

You know, I know I've been
kind of a bitch to you lately.

Oh, that's okay.

And threatening not to come
to your green card meeting

was totally out of line.
I'm sorry.

Yeah, live and let live,
forgive and forget, all of that.

- We're cool?
- We are so cool.

Okay.

Do you want to
get me some lemonade?

- Good idea.
- Thanks.

Okay, great.

Oh, god, where is she?

You smoke?

(WHISPERS) I Can't Stop
thinking about last night.

Nor can I.

- We have to tell her.
- No, no, no.

- This is not good timing. Olivia, Olivia.
- Dad?

That's gone to your head. Get back
in the bush. Get behind the bush.

JAKE: Dad? There's a funny, old
man here that wants to see you.

What?

Dad! What are you doing here?

Why in buggering hell have
you been ignoring my calls?

Well...

Oh, hello, this must be the Yank totty!

Kate, my father.

Oh, my goodness, Mr. Haig!

It's so nice to meet you.

Wow! Oh, sorry,
I'm soaking wet.

I need a shower anyway.

Oh. And who is this other
vision of loveliness?

I'm Olivia. I'm Kate's sister.

Blimey... Bookends.

KATE: Well, come inside,
I'll make you up a room.

No. No. No. It's okay. Dad. Come
with me. Come to the guesthouse.

- We've got plenty of rooms.
- No, that's okay. Dad, come with me.

- Are you sure?
- You're staying with me. I promise you.

- Nice to meet you,
- You. Too. And...

RICHARD: Why exactly are you here?

I'm visiting you and
the little turd fella.

What's it bloody look like?

Well, I don't Really know, I mean...

Jake, meet your grandfather.

Yeah I'm your granddad. I've got
something for you that I brought

all the way from England.
Would you like to see it?

Now that is a model of "HMS Defiance."

Wow.

God. Dad, you never
let me used to touch that.

- What?
- Okay, I'll be right back.

Well, hey! Wait a minute.
Where you going?

You can't bear to be in the same room
with me for two minutes, is that it?

No. That's not it.
Dad. Not at all.

Can I keep it?

Of course, you can
bloody keep it, it's yours.

But don't put it in the
bath, because it'll sink.

- Look what I found!
- Hey, cool!

Where shall we put it? Here?

- On the top.
- Yes, on the top.

Hello, my lovelies.

All I'm asking is, can you wait
till Monday morning at 11:00?

Why?

My green card interview...

and then after that,

you can tell her
what you like, okay?

JAKE: Dad, I need to go pee.

Come on then.

Hey! Where the bloody
hell are you two going?

- Come on, hey, Jake!
- We're going to go for a pee, Dad.

Hey. Jake, whip
it out, come on!

Dad, you can't
Pee off the pier.

Jake, who are you going to
listen to? Your dad, who

for some buggering reason has
turned into a boring old fart?

Or your grandfather.
Who's lived a rich and full

life and doesn't take
shite from anybody?

You, Sorry, Dad.

There you go. Come on up here.
There you go, up you go.

Wait. Come on. You. Too!
If you're still my son. That is.

All right, on three.

One, two. Three.
Yeah! that's it.

Well, somebody had their
vitamins this morning. Huh?

You know. There are
coconuts over there?

Great isn't it? There you go.

Beautiful. (COUGHS) Oh, dear.

All right, all right, all right.

That's good stuff.
Put on some tunes, huh, guys?

Oh, look at this
This is paradise, man.

You've ended up in paradise.

You know, they must be freezing
their bollocks off in England.

(LAUGHS)

Why are you really here?

Well, Joan left me, silly cow,

Well, I'm sorry.

Truly.

Oh. Well, well that
makes me feel so much better.

I mean, God almighty.
Thank you for those

profound words of sympathy.

Well. It's a lot more than you

ever said when Kate left me.

Well, I warned you about her.

She was a rampant.
Little Yankee trollop.

You know what, Dad?
Of course. Joan left you.

You're a misanthropic,
misogynistic assehole who

doesn't give a fuck about
anybody,

least of all the poor saps who you got
to marry you in the first place.

Is that it?
Is that all you've got?

And you did it all in the name
of some misguided credo called

fun. Which you brainwashed
me with in the first place.

Guys, dig this song?

Bugger off!

That's it then.
Is it. Boy Wonder?

So you finally got it
off your chest, have you?

You know what, Dad?

Why don't you just
bugger off for once.

For once.

Why don't you be
the one to bugger off.

Brian, go back to my wife.

Go on.

Go on.

Just...just go back.

WENDY: Thank you for
that wonderful sharing.

Seriously, this has been
absolutely a marvelous session.

I've learned so much.

Give yourselves a
big hand, everybody!

(APPLAUSE)

Wendy, I was wondering
if you could sign my form to

show that I've done
the 10 sessions?

I'm sorry, Richard, I can't.

Why? I mean, I came, I did
the whole "I'm an alcoholic".

But it's not about
just saying the words,

you have to actually mean them.

Great seeing you. Thanks so much.

Cindy, right?

I just spent the last week
listening to that drivel.

So some witless, little
ninny won't sign a piece of

paper to say I'm an okay kind
of guy! Absolute bollocks.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Hey, you wanna get a drink?

Actually, maybe not, I've got
a grueling lecture in an hour.

How about a joint?

Just kidding. Bad joke,
I don't want my son to find it.

I don't touch the
stuff, its my dad's.

He likes to puff.

Okay.

CINDY: Good luck with your lecture.

Thank you.

I want you all to imagine
you're at Cambridge University.

The year is 1807.

You walk across the quad of
Trinity College into the lecture

hall where you find your
fellow classmate. Lord Byron.

Who in defiance of college
rules about dogs has brought

a bear to class instead.

You know what?

Forget about that.

Why are the Romantics
relevant today?

Hmm?

Honestly, they're not.

Stacy got It right.

And Dwight, he can't Stop
thinking about homeruns and

fastballs when he reads
Byron and Coleridge.

Because...

we're teaching words.

Words. But we're not
teaching meaning.

I got it all wrong.

I can tell you about
Byron and his bear.

Wordsworth falling
in love with his cousin.

Coleridge falling in
love with cocaine.

I can tell you what's
behind the words from them.

But I can't tell you what's
behind those words for you,

Because this
class is about you.

Learning to
find your own meaning.

Your own voices.

Go read the poems. But know
this. That at this moment.

You are the Romantics. You
are the relevant ones.

Let Byron, Coleridge,
Wordsworth inspire you

to do your thing.
To go your own way.

Stacy, quit texting.
Call him, right now.

Dwight, go play ball. Ignore
anyone who says no, you can't.

Follow your hearts.
Do good things, be bold.

And above all else.
Stick it to the man.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, Dad, I totally fucked
up my audition lecture.

I stuck it to them, all right.

I stuck it to myself
in the process, too.

Hey, listen, you silly old sod,
you just bolted before I could

apologize, Why are you
so thin-skinned these days?

All right, call me back.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

$4,000 should cover it.

What?

Your Mustang, Richard, it's got Sienna Red
paint there all over the back fender.

Unmistakable.

1954 MG TFs do not come cheap,
my friend.

Absolutely not.
Can I give you a check?

I would prefer cash.

I want to be the first to
congratulate you.

Welcome to the English department of the
University of Los Angeles.

Yes!

Oh, good!

Oh, Thank you, boss.

I guess we'll do the other side as well.

Let's go have a pint.

A pint of what? Oil?

A pint of what... Witty.
I'll always laugh at your jokes.

Hey! I got the job!

ULA! Knock it out of
the ballpark. Home run.

Congratulations!

I feel fantastic!
And I feel fantastic about you,

Now what we did. Making love...
no. Listen. Please. Hear me out.

Kate and I have been
separated for two years!

Why should we feel bad?
We're grown-ups, You know.

And if Kare doesn't like it,
she can bloody well just go...

hey. You! Ah, Brian.
Okay, okay, in the vault.

Oh, Kate.

Olivia.

My best friend.

Total trust.

No secrets!

We... we we're going to...

You know what?
If you want him, take him,

but get out of my house!

Well, now, maybe... okay.

Thank you.

Ernesto, sorry I'm late.

Where's your wife?

Not coming.
She sends her regards.

Okay, strike one.
She's not here.

Strike two, you failed
the recovery program.

We may be 0-2, but were
gonna swing for the fences on

the University of Los Angeles.

- Morning, Officer Lewis.
- OFFICER LEWIS: Why has it taken

nearly three years to
schedule this interview?

Well, my client never
received all of the

notifications from ICE.

Is this your
handwriting, Mr. Haig?

Some of it is.
Some of it's also my son's...

working on his cursive.

Can you explain this?

Yes, well, that's not my fault.

Painkillers, dental surgery.

My client's done 10
sessions of a recovery program

to show his good character.

LEWIS: Where's the
lefter of completion?

In the mail, with
"bew-locks" written on it?

It's "bollocks," actually.

Officer Armstrong?

Please describe how Mr. Haig
tried to offer you marijuana.

CINDY: The other night, as I
was leaving the recovery center.

Mr. Haig asked me if I
wanted some marijuana..

Under California law.

Distribution of
marijuana is a felony.

That's true.

What is it you say.
Mr. Haig? Cheerios?

RICHARD: There you have it.
The whole sorry saga.

Ernesto did do one thing to
justify his exorbitant fee.

He got me this
one hour with you.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. Jake.

OFFICER: Time's up.

Jake, please.
I really am so sorry.

I love you. Do you hear me?
I am so sorry.

"That is no country for old men.

"The young in one another's
arms. Birds in the trees.

"Those dying generations
at their song"

So what's Yeats saying here?

He's a 60-year-old man looking
at young people, screwing and

living, blissfully unthinking
about their own mortality.

Yeats knows he's
just an aged man.

But his dreams are of Byzantium.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Hello?

HOSPITAL WORKER:
This is Memorial General,

we need to talk to you
about your father.

What the buggering hell
are you doing here?

You hate hospitals.

GORDON: I do, I hate
bloody hospitals.

But I love the nurses.

(CHUCKLES)

How's my little Jake?

He's all right, Dad.

You know I...

I don't think I could
have done what you did.

You stuck with that boy through
all the muck and bullets,

You're a better man than I, Gunga Din.

I don't know about that, Dad.

You still shagging the...
Yank totty's sister, are we?

No, I blew that one.

Threw away a
pearl beyond price.

And tony. And totty's sister.
None of us are talking,

It's all a big mess.

Marvelous bloody place,
though, isn't it? Californ-i-a?

Mm-hm.

Sunshine, beaches and girls.Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Marijuana.

God, how the buggering hell
did I miss out on all that for so long?

You came.

You saw it once.

It all goes so fast.

These buggers here, they
don't think I've got long.

Well, it's all a
load of bullocks, really.

What is?

You know, there's nothing honorable
in misery, Richard.

Carpe diem!

Boff and be merry!

Now listen.
You listen to me carefully,

This might be the most-

BOTH: important bit of
advice I'll ever give you.

For God's sake, man.
Go and get your bloody girl.

Go on.

Bugger off.

Hey, Richard...

You remember my epitaph.

Of course I do, Dad.

Of course I do.

(THUNDER AND RAIN)

Byzantium is the
place he longs for,

He needs to make this journey.

I'm goibg to sort this
all out. I promise you.

- Okay, Jake?
- How?

I'll Skype you tomorrow, okay?

Is she talking to Olivia yet?

Olivia's book launches
here next week and Kate

isn't even going. She's
icing everyone out. Even me.

All right, see ya, Brian.

RICHARD: Yeats knows that unless
he makes this journey,

Unless he defies
logic and authority.

Unless his soul claps
hands and sings out loud.

He is nothing more than a
tattered coat upon a stick.

(LAUGHS)

You old bugger.

There is a country for old men.
If not now, When?

(CONNECTING TONE)

Ernesto, Richard Haig.
Cómo está?

Adios! Adios, amigos.

JAKE: Hey, Dad.

Hi, Jakey.

Go to the door and
tell me what you see,

Okay.

Oh, look at you, boy.
Oh! Look at you.

Richie!

Thank god you're here, dude!
Oh, thank god. Thank god.

- You can let go now, Brian. That's okay.
- Okay, All right, Okay.

JAKE: Can you believe it,
Mom? He's really here.

- Hi, Kate.
- Hey. How did you get here?

Uh. I just came
across the border.

It's an old trick of mine.

What if you get caught?

I won't, I'll be
gone before they know it.

Hey. Remember my
lawyer. Ernesto?

He's gonna sort this
whole mess out. Okay?

Yay!

Don't you worry, It's only
going to cost me a fortune.

And look, Kate, we can't
keep going like this.

I mean, Jake, he needs his mom
and dad to be adults, right?

Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry we hurt you.

Olivia wanted to tell you,
and it was my fault she didn't.

But you're sisters, come on.

Cut her some slack.

Life is so short, Kate.

Like my dad used
to say, carpe diem.

Let's boff and be merry.

- Okay.
- Great.

Great. And one last thing...

can I take a shower? Please?

BRIAN: He really stinks.

(CLINKING GLASSES)

Thank you everybody for coming.

I would like to thank
my agent Tim Prince.

I would also like to thank
my ex-brother-in-law Richard.

He was the inspiration for the

burnt-out recovering alcoholic
cop who saves the day.

(LAUGHTER)

Although he doesn't know
it, so let's not tell him.

And lastly, I would like to
thank somebody very special to

me who couldn't be here today.

Which is nobody's
fault but mine.

All right, Here we are.

KATE: Hey.

I'm so sorry.

- So sorry.
- I'm sorry. Too.

Let's never fight again, okay?

Come here.

Let's go back inside.

Just give me a
minute, all right.

Okay.

RICHARD: Hi.

You came!

I came, Piece of cake.

I came because I love you.

I came because I need you.

I need my son.

I need my family.

That's why I came.

You want to
hear something crazy.

What?

I knew you'd come.

- It's irrational.
- It's romantic.

You and I, we've only
had moments. Now we have time.

I spent my whole life in
opposition to this man.

Honestly, he never did
a bloody thing for me.

Except this.

Asking me to scatter
his ashes here.

And it saved my life...

because it brought
me back to the people

I love most in this world.

Even you, Brian.

You're the man, Richard.

Well, there comes a time.
And there's always a time.

And I guess this is the time.

So. Jakey, shall we
set Grandpa free?

Okay, Dad...

enjoy paradise!

JAKE: So, how long
are you staying?

Okay, Jakey. Listen to me here.

I have to sort out
a few things first.

But maybe marrying
your aunt might help.

What?

Well. I am down on one knee.

Then get up and kiss me again.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Up and away we set off

Secretly scared we'd get lost

Up in the clouds, over the town

Beyond the wall

Some of us knew we might fall

Under the weight of it all

And though we'd been warned
of the oncoming storms

Still we stood tall

Soar from the moonlight

Straight to the sunrise

This will be our time

To free-fall and nose-dive

Out of the black night

Into the bright light

With the whole world in our sight

Like a miniature paradise

Yeah

My shadow is cast on the ground

I'm flying too fast to look down

At the rooftops and trees

And my family waving at me

Soar from the moonlight

Straight to the sunrise

This will be our time

To free-fall and nose-dive

Out of the black night

Into the bright light

With the whole world in our sight

Like a miniature paradise

I go crazy sometimes

Can you believe it?

Yeah, I swear I'm fine

That I'm all right
but I'm barely breathing

Thought I could find my way back home

But I get lost alone

But when I'm with you

I'm no longer wandering

And when I'm with you
I swear I can breathe

And when I'm with you

I know who I am and who I want to be

I'm not trying to be dramatic, no

Most times I'm pretty normal

Oh, let's be clear and honest here

And do away with anything formal

I can fake it on my own

But I am lost alone

'Cause when I'm with you

I'm no longer wandering

And when I'm with you
I swear I can breathe

And when I'm with you

I know who I am and who I want to be

Who I want to be

But I am wide-eyed

With a pension for running

But how many times does it take

Till I find that I'm lost

When I'm alone

And that's not where I belong

'Cause when I'm with you

I'm no longer wandering

When I'm with you I can finally breathe

When I'm with you

I swear to God

I swear to God I'm who I wanna be

I'm who I

I'm who I wanna be

I'm who I wanna be

I'm who I

I'm who I wanna be