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KENNETH WILLIAMS: Ooh, how am I
going to get all this lot in?

BARBARA WINDSOR:
Blimey! You have got a lot there.

No, it's impossible!

(STRAINS AND GROANS)

Ooh, listen. You wriggle
and I'll shove. We're nearly there.

Don't stop!
(GROANS)

Push the knob in. It won't work
if you don't push the knob in!

Oh. You're right!

She's not just a pretty face.

Ladies and gentlemen,
from 28 films...

And God knows how many film stars...

That's Carry On!

# FANFARE

We don't need your recommendation,
thank you.

Ooh! No, it wasn't like that at all.

It was noble, a pageant of history.

A cavalcade of contemporary comment!

A colossal Carry On cockup!

Yea... No! Stop messing about.

KENNETH: What about that, then?

Huge action colour spectacular
and a cast of thousands!

(BREAKS WIND)

Ooh, yes, the Carry Ons certainly
had an atmosphere of their own.

You can say that again.

KENNETH: I thought we'd start off
with one of my favourites,

Carry On, Don't Lose Your Head.

In the end, I did lose my head.

Oh, it don't show.
No, well, it...

Miss Sharp,
straight out of the knife box!

Mm... Ooh!

(HUM OF CONVERSATION)

Oh, hark at me.

You needn't request an audience.
You've got one.

I can't help it. It's these bubbles.
They get lodged in my chest.

Hmm, there's room for a few lodgers
there.

(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)

# LIVELY MUSIC

Excuse me, my dear. May I cut in?

Of course, Rodney, darling.
Thank you, my dear.

Act naturally.

Ah, Sir Rodney!
I must congratulate you.

A perfectly splendid charity ball!

Thank you, Lady Binder.

Now, do tell me.
What is it all in aid of?

SFA.

Oh, come.
It must be in aid of something.

SFA - Stranded French Aristocrats.

Oh, of course! A very worthy cause.

And you've done them proud tonight.

But then,
you've always had magnificent balls,

and I wouldn't miss one of them!

Thank you, Lady Binder.

I bet they didn't hold any balls
there for a long time.

They did! Every Tuesday.

I'd go round clearing up the mess
after with a bucket and shovel.

Like you did in the next Carry On,
Follow That Camel.

Good day.

(CAMEL GRUNTS)

(COCKEREL CROWS)

This appears to be the place, sir.

Well, help me down, will you,
Simpson?

Ho! Camel, bo-bo.

Hi-ha! Hi-ha!

I've got it.

Good morning, madam.
My name is Bertram Oliphant West.

Well, I'm sorry,
but what can I do about it?

My name is Zigzig.
And what can you do about that?

No, no, you misunderstand me, madam.

I merely wish to ask where one goes
to join the Foreign Legion.

Ah, just one moment!
I go ask the sergeant.

Sergeant?

Sergeant Nocker.
He is important man in Legion.

He know everything.
Is he here?

Oh, yes. Often.

Perhaps it's the married quarters,
Simpson.

There are two men here
who are wanting to join you.

Nothing doing.
Let them find their own bed!

Ah, sugar date.
Hold it right here, sugar.

Sergeant,
do you have to go back now?

You're a good girl.
Thanks a lot, honey.

Thanks for the lift.
I have a good ass. No?

Was ist das? Ze joke?

Oh, I forgot I had it on my head,
sir.

Deal with this man, Sergeant!
Yes, sir. It'll be a pleasure.

Oh, it's the hat!
Oh, don't blame him, sir.

He was so busy helping me,
that he... Silence!

# EXOTIC MUSIC

I don't know if you happened
to notice, sir, but these things...

Yes, Simpson,
I did happen to notice.

We have some casserole dishes
just like that at home, sir.

Oh, yes, that's right.

We used to put our dumplings
in them.

They use them
for the same reason here.

The infidels will all perish

when the second crescent
of the moon enters

the third phase of Orion.
When is that?

Tuesday.

First, the legionnaires
at Fort Zuassantneuf,

and then the infidels
at Sidi-bel-Abbes.

It has been ordained by the prophet,
Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak!

Mustafa Leak.

Now,

you have until nightfall
to come to your senses.

If not, they will come off...

..one by one.

I suppose he means our ears.

That's my boy. Always thinking
of the higher things.

You're in.
Oh, thank you very much indeed.

How is that?!

Oh, that wasn't fair,
blowing up people's balls like that.

If you think that's not cricket,
what about our hospital films?

(SIREN WAILS)

(GROANS)
Hurts, does it, sir?

Ooh, no. I'm just doing this
to while away the journey.

(TYRES SCREECH)

Blimey! He's in a hurry.

WOMAN: Now, don't be a silly boy.

Look, if I let you,
would that make me a sensible one?

What's going on here, Nurse?

Sister, he won't let me take
his underpants off, the silly boy.

You're darn right, I won't. And I'm
not a boy, as you'd soon find out.

Mr Bigger... All right, Sister.
That's quite enough.

I'll handle this.

(GROANS)

What are you in here for, then?
Something nasty?

No, not really.
Just a pain in the back.

Last bloke in that bed
had the same thing.

Did he?
Right up to the end.

Oh. That's cheering.

I'll say one thing for them.
It's a nice, warm bed.

Should be. They only took him
out half an hour ago.

Well, I'll give you a local jab
to kill the pain.

If you just turn over...

Turn over, turn here, turn there!

I wish I'd never come here in the
first place. Oh, get out of it!

Fine. Now, this isn't going to hurt.

YELPS

Huh... Who?

Good morning.

Oh. Good morning.

I'm afraid I must have overslept.

What time is it?
Six o'clock.

Six o'clock.

In the morning?
Yes, that's right.

Did you have a good night?
I'll let you know when it's over.

I dreamt about you last night,
Nurse.

Did you?
No, you wouldn't let me.

Is it all right
if I finish my sleep now?

By all means.
Thank you.

Sleep's good for you.

Washy time!

Look, I don't want washy time.

Stop!

I wouldn't put that in my mouth,
if I were you. It might explode.

I hope not. Matron doesn't approve
of banging in the wards.

(VACUUM CLEANER RATTLES)

(CLANG)

(RATTLING DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

Cow!

(DOORS BANG OPEN)

(CLATTERING)

Try and use it, Mr Bigger.

Thank you. It's just what I needed.

All right. Here we go, then.

Let's see those dimples!

(YELPS)

Yaaaa!

(GROANS)

Mr Bigger!

What are you doing down there?

Waiting for a No.7 bus.

I'm Nurse May.
I was told to report here, Sister.

I'll be with you in a moment.
Hi.

(EXPLOSION)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

KENNETH: Where's the colour,
you silly girlie?

There ain't no colour in this bit.

Course there is. It's like the
telly: "Turn up your colour knob."

Haven't you ever heard
of black and white?

It was all the go when I was a kid.

I'm far too young to remember.
Oh, yeah? Well, cop a load of this.

Cop a... Oh!

No, don't!
Would you mind not smoking?

It affects me.
I've got a weak stomach.

Are you going to hospital?

Into the army.

The army?
Yeah.

Huh! So am I.

Army doctors...huh!

I'll tell you, mate.

Two of everything you should
have two of, and you're in.

Stand up.

Stand still.

Cough.

Who are you?

James Bailey, BSc Economics.
Your number?

I'm not proud of it. It was given
to me. I earned my degree.

Your rank!
That's a matter of opinion.

Look at this, man.

You've nothing to complain of.

Look at the suit they've given me.

This was plumped on my head without
even the pretence of fitting.

Who is that young lad
in the funny hat, then?

The young lad in... How dare you!

Yes, you can laugh,
but we were real men in those days.

Young stalwarts
called to the colours.

Charge!

Ooh, dear.

Charge!

(YELLS)

I ought to have thrown
the lot of you in the guard room,

for persistent, unrelenting,
blundering, malicious stupidity!

I'll paralyse the lot of you!

Look at you,
standing as if you're pregnant.

It wouldn't surprise me, after
the way I've been mucked about.

Oh, those were the days!

Explosions to the left of us,
explosions to the right of us!

Once more unto the breach,
dear friends.

You do go on about your army days,
don't you?

On the contrary, Barbara dear,

I'm simply setting the scene
for Carry On Nurse.

Nurse Dawson, is it your intention
to wreck my ward?

I'm going to shave you.

Shave? My appendix isn't on my face.

I'm not going to shave your face.

(SCRAPING)

(SCRAPING CONTINUES)

Relax, Mr York.

Now, Mr Bishop,
will you sit down, please?

There.

Now...
What? What, what?

You can't sleep in those.

That's quite all right.
I can take them off.

With one hand?
Yeah, yeah, I can manage. Thank you.

You two ladies just turn your back.
Wait! What's going on?

What a sauce! Nurse, please.

Ooh... What a fuss
about such a little thing.

# ORCHESTRA TUNE-UP

# VIRTUOSO PIANO PLAYING

Whoa...

Anything wrong?

No, very nice, thank you.

Phew...

# PIANO CADENZA

Er, just a minute, Mr York.

Hello, what's that?

For your bowels. Sit down, please.

Have you er...
given one of these before?

Oh, good gracious. Hundreds.

Get it down, now.

Other end, Nurse.

Never mind. With a face like mine,
it's a mistake anyone might make.

MAN: Come in.

Hello, hello, hello.
Hello, Colonel.

To what do I owe
the honour of this visit?

You're going back into the ward
tomorrow. That's right.

We have to carry out
just one final test.

It'll only take a few minutes.
That's all right.

Hey! What goes on?

We're getting our own back
on the old boy.

Oh, he's a sport. By the time we're
through with him, he'll need to be.

WOMAN: How fortunate
I met you, Matron.

Matron.

I have a lot to do today, Sister.
I must get through my rounds early.

Everything won't be ready...
Oh, quite all right.

I do hope our troublesome Colonel
won't delay me too long today.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
COLONEL: Come in.

Good...

Colonel! Whatever's going on?

Come, come, Matron.

Surely you've seen a temperature
taken like this?

Oh...

Yes, Colonel, many times,

but never... with a daffodil.

Ooh-hoo! Fancy being lumbered
with a daffodil!

We were always being lumbered
with something, especially names.

Like Hope Springs.

Dan, Dan, the sanitary man.

Miss Easy Rider.
Private Widdle.

But there's one name they couldn't
call you. What was that?

Miss Allcock.
Ooh!

Hup! Monica, dear.
Keep it hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

Hup, hup, hup! Halt.

Feet apart. Spring.

And relax.

How do you do?
So pleased to meet you.

Miss Allcock.
Mr Grigg.

Are you satisfied with your
equipment, Miss Allcock?

Well, I've had no complaints so far.

Do you find mental relaxation
follows physical activity?

Oh, always.

Do you favour the Swedish method?

Well, I always say
it's the same the whole world over.

(GIGGLES)

Shall we have a demonstration,
Miss Allcock?

Right-oh.

Hands on hips, please.

And... to the left, two, three.

To the right, two, three.

Forward, two, three. And up!

Hands above head, place.

Fast-forward, bend.

RIPPING

You're drunk!

Watch your hands...
Miss Allcock!

..or I'll flatten you out
like a carpet, you slanderous cat!

(GROANS)

Ooh! I'll bet that hurt!

But the gang
always took a lot of stick.

Eh?
Stick!

Oh, yes. That, too.

I had a big stick once.

It was so enormous,
I had to hide it down my trousers.

Is that why you walked so funny
in Carry On Constable?

Just a moment. Could you possibly
direct me to the police station?

Certainly.

Er, just cross over
and it's up there on the left.

Hello.
Hello, Gorse.

Sorry I'm late, Sergeant,

but I couldn't leave home without
bringing something bright and gay

for the poor indisposed constables.

So... it was off to my greenhouse.

And with a little snip here,

a little snip there... Snip, snip!

And here we are, with my love.

Ooh! What have I said?

With my very best floral greetings.

Thank you.

And now you must all meet Bobby,
my budgie. Say hello, Bobby.

Hello, Bobby.

Isn't he the greatest thing?

I just couldn't leave him behind.

Yes, well, Gorse will be working
full time with us as from today,

on account of this flu trouble.

You'll all sleep together.
Charmed, I'm sure.

All ready, then?
Yes, come on. Turn it on!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, I'm frightfully sorry.
I remember now.

It only comes out hot
at certain times. You maniac!

Let's get out of here.

Ooh! Aah!

Ooh! Aah! Ooh!

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Gentlemen, really!

Ooh! Aah!

It's disgraceful!

Well, you did ask for a cell
with a southern exposure.

Sergeant Wilkins sent me, sir.
Said you wanted a constable.

Yes, well, I've finished with those.
Burn them.

Sir.

Potter!
What? Not those!

You told me to, sir.
They're my consolidating notes!

I'll, get water. Don't panic.

Don't panic.
Stand clear, sir.

Potter!

(BARKS EXCITEDLY)
Heel, heel.

Good dog! Good dog!

(BARKS)

I'm frightfully sorry...
Sir!

Let me help you out.

Whoa! Aah!

Oh, what a couple of wets.

Fancy offering a hand
to your superior officer.

That's crawling.

Wouldn't you give anyone a hand?
Certainly not.

Not unless it was someone
vastly superior to myself.

Then I'd Carry On Regardless.

Which way? This way? That way?

Oh, down here? All right.
Come along.

Go for a nice walk, shall we?

Come along, then. Walk nicely.

You're not bringing that thing here,
and that's final.

But he's tired of walking,
and besides,

I want to give him a proper outing.

The best way to see London
is from the top of a bus.

Not from the top of this one.
Great hairy thing!

I am not. I...
Hold tight!

I've a good mind to report you
to the RSPCA. Cheeky monkey!

No offence.

Yes, the British Transport
Commission should hear about this!

Taxi! Taxi!

Can you take us to...

I'll take you, but not your brother.

Don't go. Think of brainwashing.

How can they wash what isn't there?

(FOREIGN ACCENT) Thank you.

You're not English.

And you're not Chinese. So what?

So this.

We might be on the same journey.

Of course we are.

OK. I'm persevering.

So I see, and I don't like it.

Ah, quit the pretence, baby.
I'm your man.

What?
I'm very glad we've met.

I wasn't altogether looking forward
to jumping off the train.

Huh?!
But that's OK by me.

You say we jump together,
then we jump.

Can we talk this over
somewhere less public?

(COCKNEY) Sorry, mate.

'Ere, did he get his jump?

No, he got taken for a ride with
the rest of them in Carry On Cabby.

Take it easy. Take it easy.
You're not driving a bulldozer now.

Just relax. Watch out!

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Missed him.

Do me a favour. Just take it easy.

This may be an old cab,
but I'm very fond of her.

(HORN HONKS)

(TYRES SCREECH)
Round here!

(HORN HONKS)

That Cabby film, it played
to packed houses everywhere.

Well, almost everywhere.

Anyone home?

Somebody's potty.

How do I look?

Oh, smashing, yeah.
You look ever so nice.

Will you help me with mine?
Of course.

Oh! 'Ere, that's fantastic!

That's me when I first joined
the gang in Carry On Spying!

KENNETH: Bernard Cribbins
is teaching you

how to get your pistol
under your bristols.

You'd better just put it
in your handbag, Daphne.

All right, men. If you're ready...

Oh, no.

Oh, Mr Simpkins, I hope
we don't have to do much walking.

You're not supposed to wear it
down there!

You'll do yourself a mischief.
It's supposed to be up here.

See? All ready to get off
a slick draw like that, you see?

I wish they'd make these things
the right way round.

Oh, Mr Simpkins, that was wonderful!

I'm sure I'll never get
my drawers off as slickly as that.

I just want to say, Chief,
you can sleep peacefully.

You've chosen the right man
for the job.

A man with a cool head,
a man who knows where he's going.

By the way, where are we going?
Vienna!

# WALTZ PLAYS

What's the matter with you?

The journey from London to Vienna
by diesel locomotive

is uncomfortably long.

Especially on a train
with no corridor.

Cafe Mozart, ten o'clock.

The penalty for smuggling in
English steak and kidney pudding

is very excessive.

I have put my English
steak and kidney pudding

in the next man's case.

Cafe Mozart, ten o'clock.

# ZITHER MELODY

(CAT MEOWS)

I'd like a packet
of filter-tipped matches, please.

I'm sorry, I've only got
filter-tipped bootlaces.

I cannot smoke those.
They make me deaf.

Cafe Mozart, ten o'clock.

Schnitzelstrasse, that's right.

Now, let me see. First of all,
I've got to wait here,

and then I've got to...

Hoo, hoo!
(SULTRY) Good evening, darling.

You would like to come home

and see my fine old
Viennese etchings?

I beg your pardon?

You would like to come home

and see my fine old
Viennese etchings?

Oh! I'm sorry, I'm afraid I cannot,

because I have broken
my looking glasses

in two different places.

(MANLY VOICE) About time.
Cafe Mozart, ten o'clock.

Hey, wait a minute.
Where's Carstairs?

I am Carstairs.

Good evening.

(MAN CONTINUES WASHING HANDS)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, good evening.
I should give it a minute.

Get back. There's someone there.

Is it Carstairs?
No,

it's a small man
standing on one leg.

YELPS

That didn't half hurt!

I was blown up as well, after that.

I had to go away for a long sea
voyage. Did it do you any good?

The rest of the gang went, too.
It was Carry On Cruising.

Oh, look! It's in colour again.
Yeah.

Good day, madam.

Care for a knock-up
while awaiting your partner?

Yes, Officer. Thank you.
But I'm not very good at the game.

Oh, it's quite easy.

Just be careful
not to pong instead of ping.

(CHUCKLES)

Gently to begin, eh?
If you please.

(WOMAN SCREAMS)
I'm terribly sorry.

Most unfortunate.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Beginner's luck.

Try your luck on this.

Clever! Do it again.

(GIGGLES)

I'm terribly sorry, Captain, sir,
dear.

I mean...

May I have the next dance?
I didn't know this was a dance.

Oh. Ooh...

No. It isn't, is it?

But every time I look at you,
I hear music.

Every time I look at you,
I think of music.

Do you?
Mm, Colonel Bogey.

Excuse me.
Oh, wait...

Yes, the tropical...
Please.

A doctor! Aah!

Come along, sir.
Everything will be all right.

Come along, now.

Two days on a simple cruise
with you lot, and look at me!

We made another film after that,
Carry On Jack.

Why did they call it Jack?

If we'd used the navy's word for it,
we'd have been censored.

Forward. Back.

Forward. Back. Forward. Back.
Forward. Back.

Forward. Back.

Heave-to. That's enough.
Let's have a look at it.

Have you got it now?
Mm.

Just swing the lead twice
and then heave it. Right. Try it.

Right.

(SCREAMS)

Ship ahoy!

Ah, yes. One of our luggers
on Channel patrol.

Are you sure, sir?
Of course.

Don't you think I know a lugger
when I see one?

An English frigate.

Give a signal for her
to come alongside.

Aye, aye, sir.

They're making a signal.

They want us to come...

..alongside?

Down here, sir?

Yes, out there.

Easy does it.

That's it.

Now, gentlemen, we may be
a somewhat weary and depleted crew,

but we must still welcome her
captain aboard

in a fitting and traditional manner.

Right. Give them three hearty
cheers, lads. Hip, hip...

Hooray!

(COMMOTION)

Lugger patrol? They're pirates!

Well, anyone can make a mistake.

Oh, you caught a cold in that one.

Darling, I can catch a cold
anywhere.

SNEEZES

Ooh, I do feel queer.

Oh, my dear! You've no idea
how much I've missed you.

Three years is a long time
to go without.

Without what?

Without the company
of a beautiful wife.

What about all those women abroad?

Mmm... There weren't any.

They don't have them abroad,
you know.

They're a very bashful people there.

Really, Julius?

Really, darling.

(DOOR OPENS)

Sorry, sir, but what shall we do
with your woman here?

What is that?!

Just a little thing
I picked up in Britain.

It's for you.
I don't want any of your pick-ups!

Citizens, today is your lucky day.

Top-quality Britons,
all fresh in today.

All right, there, citizens.

Here is another
of our special offers.

Now, then. What am I bid for this...

for this er...

..for this?

One at a time, please, ladies.

Right. Now, come on. Who's going to
start the ball rolling, then?

Did I hear five sesterces?

(SILENCE)
No, I didn't.

How did you get on?

I don't know. They just stamped me
with a little lion. Look.

That means you'll be going
to the lions, mate.

I hope they're a nice family.
You'll find out.

Er, Hengis...

what he means is, you're to be
thrown to the lions in the arena.

Oh, those lions... No!

Hengist! Well, it's quick, anyway.

The old head in the mouth,
a quick snap of the old jaws

and it's all over.

That's all very well,

but how am I going to get
his head in my mouth?

# TRUMPET FANFARE

Friends...

Romans...

Countrymen.
I know!

I have been away from you now
for three years.

(ALL CHEER)

But now I am back!

(ALL BLOW RASPBERRIES)

You've never had it so good!

(Here's the door.)

'Strictly no admittance.
Vestal virgins and eunuchs only.'

What are we?
Well, you should know!

Well, they must be somewhere around.

We'll have to chance it.

If anyone in there asks who we are,
say we're eunuchs.

Eh? Oh, yeah.
What have we got to lose?

# TRUMPET FANFARE

JULIUS CAESAR: Aaah!

Sir!
Let me out of here.

It's a disgrace!

Guard the door. Let no-one enter.

O, wise daughters
of the goddess Vesta,

grant me an augury.

Caesar! We shall all die for this!

Open up, I say, or must I enter?

Yes?

Oh, good evening. I wanted to ask...

Are you really a vestal virgin?

I'm sorry.
Vestal virgins are off tonight.

Are my senses deserting me?

There's something funny
going on here.

Bilius... what are you doing
with your thing?

I'm sorry, sir, but for the good
of Rome, you must die.

But you're my personal bodyguard.
I don't want to die.

Infamy! Infamy!

They've all got it in for me.

I know how to handle
this ambitious battle-axe.

She's too big for her boots.
That's her trouble.

All right, I'll come straight
to the point. You...

Yes?

Is there something I can do for you?

(GROWLS SOFTLY)

Now, look. I'm very sorry, miss,
but I've had my orders.

Madam, I...

(GROWLS SOFTLY)

Oh, don't apologise, please.

I could forgive
such a handsome visitor anything.

You said you knew
how to handle women.

Well, I do. It's all right.
Now, look here, miss.

I have come from Rome at Caesar's
express bidding to get...

Just one moment.

Look, if you are going
to get cross with me,

I'll just get out of my bath
and slip into something

a little more comfortable,
if you don't mind.

(GROWLS SOFTLY)

You have got to see her!

Her hair is as black as ebony.
Her face is like an ivory goddess.

And her neck...is like a swan.
Ooh, yes! Go on.

Her feet like sculptured marble.
Don't leave out all the best bits!

I cannot tell you any more
about this woman.

She is absolute perfection!

They call her
"the siren of the Nile".

Ooh, I hope she don't go off.

Think. Think. There must be some way
we can get rid of him.

I have a poisonous asp.

Ooh, I wouldn't say that.
No, no, no. I have. Look.

One bite from this is enough.

You're right.

One bite's enough for anyone.
That's shocking.

No, no, it is supposed to bite you.

Ah, didn't they have lovely frocks
in Carry On Cleo!

Especially the men!

They weren't frocks,
they were togas!

And we sat on lovely, soft divans.

Better than those hard saddles
in Carry On Cowboy.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

I wonder what they wanted.

(SHOT RINGS OUT)

# PIANO TINKLES

(GROWLS SOFTLY)

I'll just take that gun of yours,
cowboy.

What for? I don't allow no shootin'
at my place.

Lady, I wouldn't dream
of shooting at your place.

I'm not afraid to use this,
you know.

My, but you got a big one!

I'm from Texas, ma'am.
We all got big ones down there.

What are we waiting for, then?

You go right ahead.
I just got to get something.

OK.

# PIANO MELODY

You can't go to her, Johnny.
Don't talk so silly.

Johnny, don't turn our story
into a burning tale

of lust, jealousy and passion

under a white-hot desert sun.

Don't make it a saga
of sex, vengeance

and sudden death
in the primitive West.

You delirious, or somethin'?
But, Johnny, she's no good!

Take it from me -
she's after something.

And if you get out of the way,
she's gonna get it!

Oh, no, no! Not this way.
What other way is there?

I mean, not here.
Not here, in an office.

Come to my room at ten o'clock
and er... I'll be waiting for you.

MAN: Hold it right there, Rumpo!

Now what?

Marshall?
That's right. I wanna talk to you.

OK. Drop by tomorrow.
I'm kinda busy right now.

Are you gonna walk down,
or do I have to shoot you down?

Oh, OK...

Fantastic. A fella can't even
live up to his name these days.

Go on, Marshall. You tell him.

Well, it seems that last night

Colonel Houston's ranch
was raided again by rustlers.

What's that got to do with me?

I think it's got a lot
to do with you.

They got away with 40 cows.

Bullocks.
No, I know what I'm talking about.

Why did this have to happen tonight?

I'll get Curly and the boys.
You get upstairs,

tell Miss Oakley
I've been unavoidably detained.

Leave it to me, Kid.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Come and get it.

(SHOTS RING OUT)

(GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh! I'm terribly sorry.

I...thought you were somebody else.

Knutt! This is Rumpo.

I'm coming in.

Rumpo!

Knutt!

Where are you?

Here, Rumpo!

Curly, you take that end.
Slim, you and me take the other.

KNUTT: Look out behind you!

Knutt! Where are you?

Here, Rumpo!

(GUNS CLICK)

Just hold it right there, Rumpo.

I've been in some dark holes myself
in Carry On Screaming.

Oh, which part did you play?
Just a bit part.

I did the biting.
SHRIEKING

What's the matter? What did I do?

What was that funny noise?

What funny noise?
I don't know, sort of...

(RAPID PANTING)

I can't help being a bit passionate.

I've got a feeling
someone's watching us.

Good luck to 'em.
I've been courting you a year

and there's been nothing
worth watching. Albert!

Well, I'm sorry, Doris, but after
all... I'm only flesh and blood.

If something doesn't happen soon,
well...

something's going to happen.
That's all.

Ain't it funny!

I never thought of you
being like that.

You know -
flesh and blood, and that...

Well, it's time
you started thinking about... that.

Oh, Albert...
Oh, Doris.

What now?
There IS something in those bushes.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH SLOWLY)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Yes?

Good evening.

Could I see the master of the house?

The master of the house is dead,
sir.

He's been dead 15 years now.

But if you'll come in,
I'll ask him if he can see you.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Do you mind!

That does it!

I have had enough!

You've had enough? What about me?

That's the trouble.
I don't know about you.

It's an old
and rather unusual brandy.

It has a... smoky flavour.

It has a smoky look, too.

To get the most out of it,

it's best to take it
straight down in one go.

Well, here's to... friendship.

Aah!

Yes... 1870.

A very good year.

Valeria, has it worked?
I don't know yet.

(GROANS)

Yaa-aah-ha-ha-ha-aah!

He looks absolutely lovely.

Very nice.

Rubatiti! I've done it!

He's come alive.

Oh, isn't he lovely!

(MUMMY GRUNTS)

What are you doing?
Why are you looking at me like that?

It's me, Watty.

I'm your friend.

Rubatiti!

I'm your friend!

Rubatiti!

No! No! Oh, God!

Frying tonight!

Oh! I bet that made your hair
stand on end.

No, no. I was completely
under control the whole time.

Mm. Don't let anything
stand on end in the next bit.

Ooh!

'And in spite of all she'd heard,
Sally was quite unprepared

for the sight that met her eyes
as she looked out of her tent

on this first morning
in Paradise Camp.

Everywhere she looked, happy campers
went about their everyday tasks

unencumbered by clothing,
unembarrassed and unashamed.

So this was paradise.

How beautiful it seemed to her,

how unlike her past holidays
in Bournemouth.

Suddenly, Sally's shyness and
natural timidity vanished

and forgetting all about
her strict convent training,

she stepped out from her tent as
naked and free as nature intended.

Cor! That's quite enough of that,
thank you.

What's the matter with you?

You told us this film
was all about camping.

Well, it is.
Those are tents, aren't they?

Not what you're looking at.

Setting out to explore Paradise,
Sally's first stop

was at the tennis court,

where four sun-bronzed campers
were playing a mixed doubles.

CACKLING
Oh, cor, blimey!

You won't see nothing like that
at Wimbledon! Open or not.

In another part of the camp,
a party of carefree young people

were just starting off
on a bicycle ride.

I feel sick.

It's disgusting.
That's what it is, disgusting.

What are you talking about,
disgusting? It's artistic.

Artistic?
Certainly.

What, with all those big bottoms
bobbling about all over the screen?

You wouldn't think anything of it

if we were walking around like that
all the time.

Free, unfettered, unashamed.

Oh, no? I suppose you'd rather be
sat here, all stark naked?

Wouldn't bother me.

It would if your
ice lolly fell in your lap!

Are you the owner of this site?
No.

Where is he?
Gone for a P.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Mind where you're putting that!
Give me a peg!

Here you are.

All right, bang it in.

Ooh!
Sorry, sorry!

There's bedding and bunks
by the coach.

No, no, Barbara.

Tent up first. Bunk up later.
Oh, that's it, girls.

Get your sopping clothes off my bed.
Get up!

Sorry.

Evening.

And up...

And down.

And up. And rest.

Now, legs astride,

arms flinging from side to side.

Begin. And fling. And in.

And fling. And in.

And both arms fling.

Now really let's see
those chests come out.

And fling! And in.

And fling! And in.

And fling and...

Eurgh!
GIGGLING

Matron! Take them away!

SCREECHING

If you were a gentleman,
you'd close your eyes.

Ooh, I should think so, too.

I don't mind camping,

but I hate those creepy-crawly
things.

They sting me
and I come up in bumps.

Mm, yeah, I see what you mean.

I think you should see the doctor
again.

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

They've started early today.

(SCREAMS)

What's all the fuss about?

What happened, Doctor?
What frightened you, Miss Armitage?

I was just having a shower
when she suddenly barged in.

That is the women's washroom!

Women's washroom?

Well, it was only changed yesterday,
Doctor,

while the women's
is being redecorated.

I'm afraid the notice
isn't very clear.

I'm most terribly sorry, miss.

Excuse me, sir,
but my friend and I,

we're doing spot diagnoses,

and I was wondering
if you could help me.

Now, I'd say you've got haemorrhoids
and he thinks it's a slipped disc.

Could you tell us?

Let me see, now.

You thought it was a slipped disc?

That's right.
I'm afraid you were wrong.

And you thought it was haemorrhoids?
That's right.

I'm afraid you were wrong.
Well, what, then?

As a matter of fact,
I thought I was going to break wind.

I'm afraid I was wrong.

You see, I was posing
on top of this enormous packet,

and I slipped and fell.

Well, we'd better have a closer look
at you, hadn't we?

Er, if you would, Matron?

Cor!
CHUCKLING

What's wrong?
N-n-n-nothing. No, nothing at all.

It's all marvellous.

I can't see any sign of bruising,
can you, Doctor?

Well, I think we'd better
turn you over, hadn't we?

Turn over, please?

SPLUTTERS
Cor!

Can you see them?

Oh, yes, not arf!

Oh, yes, yes, na-nasty. Very nasty.

T-tell me if this hurts you,
would you?

WARMS HANDS

Ooh!

Well, look, I don't think
there's much of a fracture here.

Do you feel any fever or giddiness?

Yes, I do feel a bit hot.

I meant miss Locks.

Oh, oh, yes. Yeah, we'd better check
you for that.

Would you turn over again, please?

EXHALES ON STETHOSCOPE

Well, that one's all right.

Will you be wanting an x-ray,
Doctor? Pardon?

ECHOING: Do you wish an x-ray?

Ooh!

Now, say cheese.

(SCREAMS)

Just st-stay where you are!
I'll pull the main fuse out.

He-e-e-elp!

(SCREAMS)

I wouldn't have thought it possible

for one man to create
such utter chaos.

Welcome to Azure Bay, doc.

May the fertility of Sumaca
swell your coconuts.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, it's just a local greeting.
Nothing personal.

I'm the orderly here.
Screwer's the name.

Screwer?
Gladstone Screwer.

Most of them just call me Gladstone.

I'm not altogether surprised.

Well, may I come in?
Oh, yes, yes.

Katunga. Katunga. Chop, chop.

Ooh! Ah!

Marvellous. Rain for nine months,
hurricanes for three.

That's why the natives call
these islands Allpiss N'Alfalfa.

All rain and wind.

(DRAWS BREATH SHARPLY)

Do you mind?
As a matter of fact, I don't.

Well, I do!

You don't have to move out,
you know.

It's a big bed.

Well, as I told you earlier today,
I'm not your sort of woman.

I don't mean anything nasty.
I'll marry you first.

Are you mad?

Marry me in the middle of the night?

Where I come from,
it's a simple ceremony.

We just make a quick cut
in each other's left hands,

put them together,
say "we are one" and it's legal.

Oh, I see.

Sort of... instant wedlock.

Out there they call it
a bleedin' ceremony.

Yes, they often call it that here,
too.

Good luck, Lady Puddleton.
(HISSES) Wait.

I can't share a room with a woman.
What about undressing?

You're a doctor.
She'll have nothing to surprise you.

No, but I'll have something
to surprise her.

I'll have to get to know you
a bit better first.

What are you doing?
We have to get married first.

What?! Doesn't hurt much,
just a quick slash.

I don't want a quick...
I don't want to get married.

Oh, well. Suit yourself.

Only don't come complaining
to me afterwards.

You mustn't.
Ooh, playing hard to get.

Come here.

You little tease. Come here.
No, listen...

Come here, come on. Aargh!

(GLADSTONE CACKLES) Hello?

Oh, blimey! It couldn't have been!

A quick slash.

That reminds me, is there a
little boys' room round here?

You should've thought of that
before.

But this is a call of nature!
But this is the call of the jungle.

(DISTANT DRUMMING)

Ooh! Phwoar...

That's enough.
You're getting too excited.

Take something, man. Take something.

What? Oh...

No.

What's this? Pickett's muscular
elixir.

Eases stiffness.

(GROWLS SOFTLY)

Africa is so very romantic.

I never get tired of listening
to the strange noises.

Let us just sit quietly
and enjoy the night.

(MOUTHS)

Is there something wrong, my dear?

No.

No, no, no. It's...quite all right.

A little more?

I don't mind.

Of course.

How dare you!

(SQUEALS)

Haven't you ever
seen a woman before?

Obviously not.

HONKS

(GRUNTS) It's all right.
It's nothing to be afraid of.

No, no, no.
I know yours isn't like that,

but you're different from me.

I'm a woman.

Look. I'll show you.

See? Woman like that.

(GRUNTS)

Oh! No, no, that's a man.
A woman doesn't have a...

I mean... Oh, dear.
This is going to be very difficult.

ALL: Tonka, Tonka,
stick it up your honka.

(HONK)

It is written that man
is the fountain of life.

ALL: Man is the fountain of life.

Without him,
women are as dried-up gardens.

ALL: Women are as dried-up gardens.

They can use my sprinkler any time.

You will be serious, please.

Take it.
What for?

It is the symbol of marriage.

I might have guessed.

Oh, yes? And what is this?

The symbol of fruitfulness.

Ask a silly question...

Yes.

'Ere, why did that girl
give Sid a banana?

It was a marriage custom
on the Limpopo.

Ooh, those poor girls! Going through
all that palaver to find Mr Right.

That's why the gang started
a marriage bureau

in Carry On Loving.

They put couples together
using a computer.

Beats using a banana!

Fares, please.

Going all the way?

You must be joking!

That's better.
GASPS

Ooh!
What's the matter?

Ooh, you've got cold hands.

Jenny...
Oh, Terry.

ZIPPER PULLS

Oh, sorry, Jenny,
I didn't know you were here.

Sally, this is MY night. Wednesday.

I know!

It's all right, I'm going out.

Soon as I find my blue sweater,
anyway.

Have you had it?

Sophie, come and get it!

'Ere, look.
How about that? Champers.

Oh, very nice. May I crack it?

Yes, go on, go ahead. There we are.

SMASHING

Ladies and gents,
I realise that our marriage

has come as a bit of a shock
to you all,

but I would like you to know

we are delighted to have you
share this great day with us,

all you blissfully happy couples
that we have brought together.

SMASHING

How dare you, you old bag!

Keep them coming!

Oh, I do like a nice sloppy wedding.

I think every girl should have one.

You'll like Carry On Henry, then.
He had eight of 'em.

# MUSIC STARTS

Ah! The pavane.
My favourite majeure.

Mine too.

May I have the pleasure?

Oh, no. I only came here to dance.

I promised my mother
I'd be a good Bette.

You're the best bet
I've seen in years.

Fancy that!
Yes, I'm afraid he does.

Ooh, I can hardly believe it.

Little me in the King's arms.

Well, it's the best boozer in town.

With all those beautiful ladies
in there,

why on earth did you pick on me?

There's a couple of things,
I suppose.

Oh, Maj!
You're only after one thing.

Why, what's the matter
with the other one?

Your Majesty, it is a great honour.
The King has done me.

No, no, no. No full stop.

"A great honour
the King has done me."

Oh. That's right. Sorry.

It is a great honour
the King has done me by making me.

"By making me your lady-in-waiting."

Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Your Majesty, if that isn't
the best tunic I ever made,

my name isn't Moshe Montmerency.

Yes, it's not bad.
Not bad?

The skirt's a bit on the long side.
Skirt? Long?

We're proud of our royal legs,
Moshe.

We like the ladies of the court
to marvel at their length.

Your Majesty,
I make the skirt any higher

and they won't be marvelling
at the length of the legs.

That reminds me,
I need a bit more length on my hose.

Your Majesty is much too modest.

You see, I've really got
the biggest swan in the country.

I'll show it to you.
Yes.

Now, just over here
you get a beautiful view.

Just... round about there,
I would say.

Oh!
There you are.

You twit!

Oh! You poor thing!

You're all wet through.

Oh, here. Let me help you
off with your clothes.

No, no, no.
It's the wrong way round.

I was supposed to help...

That is the window of the room
where she daily bathes at this hour.

Ha, ha!
Right, no mistakes this time.

Oh, don't worry, sire.
Nothing can go wrong.

All right. Let's go.

Giddy-up, you lazy lump!
(HORSE WHINNIES)

CHUCKLES

PANTING

Don't be frightened.
Who are you?

And what do you want?

Come 'ere. Come 'ere.

Hey, not so fast there.

Oh, no, you don't.

Come on, we're not in the hay
just to look for needles, are we?

People are prepared to pay
handsomely for my favours.

Oh... Blimey.

Here... I've only got
a two shilling piece.

Oh, I haven't got any change.

Don't worry, darling,
you can owe it to me.

The thing to do, sire,
is to play for time.

Act the part of a loving husband.

Impossible!
You don't have to enjoy it, sire.

Simply go through the motions.

How can I, without doing anything?

It would seem the Queen has got you
by the well-known chandeliers.

Exactly. And if I do bed her, Wolsey
won't be able to get the annulment.

Yes, well, that is liable
to take time, Your Majesty.

I haven't got time!
I need another wife.

Yes, well, perhaps in the meantime,

you could make some other
arrangements, sire?

What other arrangements?

Like taking a mistress.

I am the King,
with a proud family motto to uphold!

Non Crapito Suum Januum.

Never spit on your own doorstep.

But my Lord Cardinal is right, sire.

We must step cautiously.

Don't tell me.
How do you think we got the motto?

At least Henry could sit
on the throne when he wanted to.

Well, you'll have to wait.
Think yourself lucky.

Poor Joan Sims had to wait nearly
ten months in Carry On Matron.

Well, now,
you're three weeks overdue.

Your husband's
getting very impatient.

Him? Well, he can talk!

Took him seven years
to get me pregnant.

Now I am, I'm going to enjoy myself.

If nothing happens soon,
we must think about inducing labour.

What, just to please him?

It's only a bit over nine months.

He should be glad
I'm not an elephant.

I'm sure we're all very thankful
for that, Mrs Tidey.

Your baby's perfectly all right.

He's not! He's not!

What's the matter, Nurse?
Oh, it's nothing, Matron.

What do you mean, "nothing"?
There's something wrong with him.

Nonsense, Mrs Pullitt.
You have a fine little boy!

Take a look at his little thing,
then.

MATRON: His what? Oh.

Well, I can't see anything wrong
with it.

But it's all bent to one side.

(SIREN WAILS)

Nurse, in that case there,
you'll find a hypo.

A what?
A hypodermic.

Oh.

What, this thing?
Yes. Fill it from that bottle there.

The one labelled pethidine.

Take it easy.
It won't be long now, Miss Darling.

(SHE MOANS)

Hurry up, Nurse.
I'm coming.

(TYRES SCREECH)

Ooh! You idiot.

You've given me the lot.

Mrs Tidey,
another false alarm, I see.

Afraid so, Matron.

Do you know what I think? All that
talk of injecting me put him off.

Possibly.
Still, it's nice to be back.

I don't like that delivery room.
It's not very comfortable.

Well, it isn't meant for comfort,
Mrs Tidey.

It looks as if we'll have to try
something else, doesn't it?

Now you mention it, I wouldn't mind
some of the sausages and tomatoes.

Ah!

Cor! What is it?
Quick, tell me. What's she had?

Bacon and egg and fried potatoes.

Eh?

Oi! Where do you think you're going?

I've got a load here.
I wouldn't want to drop it.

My sentiments exactly.
Oh, give us a hand.

Look, this'll take your mind off it.

Remember that lovely holiday we had
in Carry On Abroad? Oh, yes.

MAN: Please! Please, working!
Why not working?

Welcoming, ladies and gentlemens.

Welcomings. I am Monsieur Pepe.

Oh, yes, I see.

Well, I'm the representative
of Wundatours. Stuart Farquhar.

Stupid what?

Stuart. Stuart Farquhar.
I think he was right the first time.

(CLANKING AND WHIRRING)

What the hell is that?

Five o'clock!

(DRILLING)

(BUZZING)

I'm not standing for that!

Ooh!

(RACKET CONTINUES)

(DRILLING)

Vic! Vic!

Look up there!

(VOICE DROWNED OUT)

Do you think you can do something
about the windows? They won't open.

Holdings, please.

One minute, please.

It is easies, no? Thankings.

SHRIEKS
Blimey.

Vic, what are you doing in 'ere?

Get out of 'ere!
I'm sorry.

If I'd known you were here,
I wouldn't have come?

Yes, all right, all right.

Just get out of here quick
before somebody comes in.

You haven't got any soap
on that bit!

Oh, Sadie, just a minute...
CORA: Vic, are you in the bathroom?

Oh, cor blimey!
Get back inside. Quick.

I er... I think you
dropped something.

Ooh!

Good thing I happened to come along,
because she mightn't have noticed.

Cora. Cora, just a minute.

# SWINGING INSTRUMENTAL

Aargh! (SPLASH)

I think we'd better go to bed.
That's a rather good idea.

Can we go up now, Bert?
It's been a lovely evening.

Might as well. Things seem
to be breaking up, anyway.

(CHUCKLES) Open the windows, love,
and let's get a bit of air.

Right. That's a good idea.
Won't be long. (CACKLES)

I forgot!

(SCREAMS WITH LAUGHTER)

They put the bloody glass in!

(RUMBLING)

What's going on out there?

(WIND HOWLS)

Aaargh!

Bert! Are you all right?

Fine. Just fine.

(RUMBLING)
Oh, do hurry up, darling.

Coming.

Stand by to repel boarders!

(WHINNIES)

(COUGHING)

That does it. Everybody out!
Everyone out. Abandoning hotel!

Oh, look at all that water gushing.

Ooh, it makes you grit your teeth,
doesn't it?

Well, you'll just have to hold it,
Kenny. Why?

Well, look. There's me showing off
my assets in Carry On Girls. Ooh!

(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me,
do you mind if I join you?

Oh, help yourself.
It's big enough, isn't it?

By Jove, yes.

I won't ask how far you want to go.
I might get the wrong answer.

Only to the bottom, my dear.

Sid, I want you to meet Cleopatra.

How do you...
Have you gone out of your mind?

No, it's for the photos.
Beauty and the beast. Get it?

Beauty and the...

Beauty and the Beast!
What a great idea.

Come on. Come over here. Come on.

I am not having it in here.
William, take it out.

Be reasonable.
It's only for a couple of minutes.

Reasonable? I don't even allow
dogs in here. It's not a dog.

I know it's not, but these carpets
are very expensive. William!

(SPLAT) I'm afraid it's too late.

You thieving bitch!

What's going on here?
That's my bikini she's got on.

Really, I don't know
what she's talking about.

Just a minute...

She nicked it from my dressing room
last year.

Darling, I wouldn't be seen dead
in your old rags.

You'll be seen dead
if you don't give it back!

That's quite enough.

You stay out of this!

You rotten cow!

Ooh, we certainly suffered
in that one!

I'm suffering now.
Hurry up! What's next?

My favourite subject. Dick.

It's manners to wait
till you're asked. Cheeky!

All right, ladies. We just want
your clothes and your valuables.

Oh, is that all?
That'll do, Lizzie.

Now, then, what about you?

No, you are not having it off.
That's not what I had in mind.

What's on the end
of that gold chain?

No. No, you must not touch that.
It is my only means of support.

Let me have a look at it.
You mustn't!

(COCKNEY) I told you
it was my only means of support!

As I was saying, sir, all these
hold-ups seem to have happened

within a 20-mile radius
of this area here.

Yes, yes. Well?

We can deduce from that
that Turpin's headquarters

are somewhere around there.

What?! Oh, any imbecile
could see that, man!

Well, I just wanted to make sure
that you did.

Of course I did.

Are you implying that any imbecile
has got more sense than I have?

No, sir.

There's a notorious inn just as
you go into Lower Dencher here.

It's the Old Cock, on the right.

That's where we've been going wrong!

What?
I've made provision on the left.

Will you shut up
about the wretched breeches!

Go on, get up them stairs!

You minx, madam. Go on!

(DRUNKEN JEERING)

I am warning you lot
for the last time.

This is for the next man who tries
to make free with one of my girls!

I wouldn't fancy a poke with that.
What did you say?

Your blade, ma'am. You handle it
too expertly for my liking.

I shouldn't worry. You don't look
as if you've got much to lose.

Ha-ha! Much to lose!
Shut up.

I understand you've met Dick Turpin.

Big Dick come up my place one night
with some buckshot in his cheek.

So you saw his face?

No, not that cheek, silly.

You mean he kept his face mask on?

Of course. But I'd know him anywhere
again with his breeches down.

Really? How?

Well, he's got this funny birthmark
on his diddler.

On his what?

You know what a diddler is,
don't you?

A diddler is a slang term for...

Flap me sideways!

I've never heard it
called that before.

(PASSES WATER)

How do you do?

Have you had any luck
with your investigation?

It appears he has
a curious marking on his -

if you'll pardon the expression,
Reverend - on his diddler.

Diddler? I don't know what that is.

Well, perhaps a more familiar word
for you would be...

Oh.

But I fear that won't be of much
use to you. Why not?

Well, so many folk round here
keep poultry.

I don't mean that kind of co...

This is very difficult.

If I may be permitted to speak?

What he means, Rector, is that
he's got a birthmark on his...

Ah!
Now he's got it!

Now I have got it, yes.

But I don't think it's possible
that Jack the woodcutter...

Jack the woodcutter?

He's the only one I know
that has a chopper.

What you need, sir,
is someone by your side,

to comfort you,
share life's burdens.

Warm you, if needs be.

Oh, I don't know, Miss Hoggett.
I do have my warming pan, you know.

Yes, but where would you be
without me to put it in for you?

Eh?

I may be wrong,
but I think she's after a rise.

Out of the way! Out of my way!

Come on, get up there.
Up! Come on, boys!

Without bleeding doubt,

you are the most useless...

(BELLS CLANG)

My reputation will be in ruins
if this goes on much longer.

Your reputation was in ruins
in Carry On Behind.

An interesting example
of Roman tessellation.

Tessellation -
is name for what they're doing, huh?

It simply means various Roman pieces
get laid... on cement.

Ooh! Is very uncomfortable for them,
no?

Anyway, tomorrow we are poking holes
all over caravan site with spikes.

I don't think they'll like that
at all!

Oh, is all right.
We're poking early.

What about that Peeping Tom?

I'd like to know what he...

Don't worry, love. I'll get it.

(AIR HISSES)

Hey!

What do you think you're doing?
That belongs to me!

What are you yelling about?
My ball's burning!

Don't stand so close to the fire.

Here! You might knock, or something.
I was getting undressed.

Is luxury, undressing on expedition.

When I was in Gobi desert,
we did not undress for ten weeks.

You didn't take your clothes off
for ten weeks?

Well, most of them.

I see.

Professor Crump and I
are living in caravan together.

We have been all over the site,
poking.

Don't you think it would be better
if I wrote the report?

Who's expert on Romans - you or I?

You are.

Then will you please continue,
Professor Crump.

First we are finding remains
of Roman paving...

showing pictures of...
an erotic nature.

One of the pictures
is showing an... a wenus.

A what?
A wenus.

You must know what a wenus is, no?

Well, it's neither one thing nor
the other, really, is it?

A wenus, Professor Crump,
is the goddess of love.

Oh, you mean Venus!

Is what I am saying. Wenus!

Whoever built this dump
should be shot.

There ought to be
a convenience in here!

Ooh, but there are lots of them,

in Carry On At Your Convenience!

You're looking very well
this morning, Mrs Moore.

Thank you, Doctor.
Can I get dressed again now?

Yes, while I put my eyes back in.

A new suit? Yeah.
Had a bit of luck on the gee-gees.

You'll have to give me some tips.
I've got a good one.

Don't bend over in a tight skirt.

Saucy!

Come on, then, ladies.
Off you come. Careful.

(WOMEN GIGGLE)

Go on!
(GIGGLING)

You can open your eyes now.
It's all over.

Oh, no, it's not! You haven't seen
me in my most magnificent role.

My public would never forgive me

if they didn't see me
putting all I've got

into the Khasi.

Who's the turban-job on the throne?

You mean the Khasi.

That's Randy Lal.

Who?
Randy Lal, the Khasi of Kalabar.

Ooh. How do you know he is, then?

How do I know he's what?
Randy.

That's his name!

My father, who are those people?

That, light of my darkness,

is Sir Sidney Ruff Diamond.

The British governor,

whose benevolent rule and wise
guidance we could well do without.

Oh, no, you don't.

Stay where you are.
I've got you covered.

Oh, just a minute. Covered.

No, no, no, sir.
No need for antagonism.

I have a present for you here.

Oh.
Very good Indian scimitar.

Can cut men in two with one stroke.

I wonder...

Now we know! Hurr-hurr-ha-ha!

Ho, ho!
I do not understand, my father.

What is there to fear from a warrior

who wears nothing
underneath his skirt?

Oh, my child, you have not met war!

But think how frightening
it would be

to have such a man charging at you

with his skirts flying in the air

and flashing his great big bayonet
at you.

Well, thank goodness.
Now we can finish our tiffin.

Later. I've got something important
to do. What?

I've got to go to the Khasi.
You should have gone before!

The Khasi of Kalabar.

May the benevolence of the god Shivu
bring blessings on your house.

And on yours.

And may his wisdom bring success
in all your undertakings.

And in yours.

And may his radiance
light up your life.

And up yours.

Widdle, run!

(SHOTS RING OUT)

Close the gates. Come on, inside!

All right, cease fire. Cease fire!

Reporting back, sir.

I'm sorry but we were unable
to hold them at the Pass.

Carry on. Take over the defence.
Sir.

Now, gentlemen, this revolt will
have to be suppressed

with the utmost tact and diplomacy.

We'll string up
half a dozen of 'em for a start.

I have come to offer you and your
people safe conduct out of Kalabar.

# WALTZ PLAYS

You, up there! What is this noise?

Can you see what is happening?

Yes, they are sitting down
to dinner.

Start the attack!
Imshi!

Fire!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

That will teach them
to ban turbans on the buses.

(EXPLOSIONS)

Terrible noise.
Yes. It's shocking, innit?

It's not a first-class orchestra.
They're doing their best.

I must say, the wind seems
to be a little strong tonight.

You rang, sir?
Yes, Chindi, you may serve the wine.

Wine? They're all raving mad.

More wine, Mr Belcher?

Chindi, get me some more Margaux.
This one's a bit off.

Oh, dear.

I seem to have got
a little plastered!

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

(POP!)

Cor blimey!
You frightened the life out of me!

(EXPLOSION)

I wonder if I might pop out, sir,
and see if anything's happening?

But you haven't had
your pudding yet.

Oh, and it's strawberry mousse.

Oh. Well, in that case...

They've broken into the compound,
sir. That's a dashed bad show!

Perhaps we ought to go out
and have a look, eh, Captain?

Yes, sir.
If the ladies'll excuse us.

(COMMOTION)

Fall back to the Residency, men!
Fall back!

Captain Keene. Your collar's undone.

Oh. Sorry, sir.

I'm afraid we're done for, sir.
There's too many of them.

Not yet. Line the men up down there.

Sir? Line them up!
Facing the enemy. Yes, sir.

Dis... engage!

Form one straight line

facing the enemy!

Stop!

Regi, get the Raj.

Company...kilts...front!

Go on! There are no Devils in Skirts
to frighten you now!

Hands... raise!

ALL: Aaaargh!

Come back! Come back!
There's nothing to be afraid of!

Oh, I don't know, though.

Sidney, dear, are you all right?
I'm top-hole, dear.

I thought we'd have coffee
in the lounge. Yes, why not?

Oh, dear.

That's all right.
We'll clear it up in the morning.

Oh, come on, Kenny. It's all over.

Oh, no, it's not all over!

That's the trouble
with the world today.

They haven't the courage to Carry On
like that brave few up there.

But never fear! There'll always
be ordinary, decent men and women

ready to step in and fill the ranks

and all the other cinemas
throughout this septic isle!

Ah, the far-flung Dominions
and the Majestics and the Regals

and the Gaumonts

with their great organs coming up
out of the floor -

the mighty Wurlitzers.

Not to mention the Granadas
and the Roxys and the Ionics

and the raviolis and the saveloys
and the pease pudding.

One empire may have gone,

but another will spring up
to take its place.

Nay, twins or even triples!

And we shall Carry On
beyond these shores

in Thailand, in Iceland,
in Hindustan and Pakistan,

in the faraway Burmese
and the takeaway Chinese.

We shall make them laugh
on the beaches in the Middle East,

in the front stalls and up the back,
and the back stalls, as well.

Yes, for we are that -
that precious few,

that happy band
that is forever England.

I don't speak for one.
I speak for all!

Oh, he does, you know.
He's a terrible bigmouth.

Give us the fools
and we will finish the job!

For in a corner
of every foreign field,

we'll leave a little something

that is part
of our national heritage.

(KENNETH RANTS ON)

He's quite mad, you know?

But then, we all are.

That'll fix him. Ta-ta!

And I say unto you
that never before,

in all the field
of human entertainment,

have so few done so much to so many!

Here, here, Barbara!

Barbara. Barbara!

I can't open the door.
You must let me out.

Let me out!

You must help me.
I have to pee. I want a pee.

I...

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