Original subtitles

♪ ♪

YEA!

YEA!

YEA, STOP!

STOP!

STOP!

SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN.

PUT THE MICROPHONE STAND DOWN.

I AIN'T GOTTA BE LOOKING SMALL OUT HERE.

DON'T NOBODY KNOW THE TRUTH.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON? HOW'S EVERYBODY DOIN'?

GOOD? EVERYBODY GOOD?

I LIKE THAT. IN GOOD MOODS.

I LIKE THAT. Y'ALL LOOK GOOD.

IF YOU'RE NOT GOOD, YOU LOOK GOOD.

A LOT OF SHIT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

JUST HAD ANOTHER BABY. I GOT TWO BABIES NOW.

JUST HAD A SON.

[cheers and applause]

NOT TOO LONG AGO, YEP.

THEY BOTH MINE.

I CAN'T SAY SHIT ABOUT IT, EITHER.

THEY BOTH MINE.

TWO KIDS. TWO CAR SEATS.

THAT'S DEPRESSING RIGHT THERE.

YOU EVER TRY TO TALK TO A GIRL WITH CAR SEATS IN YOUR CAR?

WON'T HAPPEN. IT'S DEPRESSING, MAN.

"COME HERE, BABY, LET ME TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND."

"NUH-UH, WHAT'S THAT IN THE BACK?"

"BITCH, LOOK AT ME.

"DON'T FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE.

"JUST LOOK AT THE POSITIVE NOW.

I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOME SERIOUS STUFF NOW."

KIDS, MAN. KIDS CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

MAKE YOU REALIZE HOW THINGS ARE DIFFERENT.

I KNOW I'M GETTING OLDER NOW BECAUSE OF MY KIDS.

I'M STARTING TO FUSS A LOT.

THE OLDER YOU GET, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU JUST WAKE UP ANGRY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I BE MAD AT.

YOU JUST WAKE UP MAD.

WHEN YOU GOT MORE THAN ONE KID, YOU JUST WAKE UP ANGRY.

"HEY, WHO GOT THE, UH, THING WITH THE SHIT IN THE--

"ALL RIGHT, NOW. ALL RIGHT, HEY!

HEADS IN BEDS, RIGHT NOW!"

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

"HEADS IN BEDS!" THAT'S MY SHIT.

[laughter]

MY SON--I JUST YELL AT MY SON.

'CAUSE HE NINE MONTHS, YOU KNOW, HE'S A MAN NOW.

SO I YELL AT HIM JUST BECAUSE.

[laughter] I GET MAD--

"HOLD YOUR HEAD STILL, BOY!"

[laughter]

ALL DAY.

THAT SHIT IS SO DAMN EMBARRASSING.

THAT SHIT PISS ME OFF, MAN.

YOU KNOW HOW STUPID THAT MAKE YOU LOOK

WHEN COMPANY COME OVER?

YOUR BABY JUST...

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BABY?"

"I DON'T KNOW. PUT HIM ON HIS STOMACH."

HE STILL BE TRYING.

[laughter]

IT'S MY DAMN KID, THOUGH.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU CAN GET MAD AT KIDS

TO THE POINT WHERE YOU WANNA FIGHT.

YOU GONNA WANT TO FIGHT A KID, MAN.

KIDS ARE ASSHOLES.

LIKE, MY DAUGHTER IS AN ASSHOLE.

[laughter]

SHE IS. LIKE, WE ARGUE.

ME AND MY DAUGHTER HONESTLY ARGUE.

SHE CAN'T EVEN TALK. SHE KNOW A COUPLE WORDS, RIGHT?

SHE CAN PUT A COUPLE SENTENCES TOGETHER.

BUT IT'S LIKE EVERY TIME I TELL HER SOMETHING,

SHE ALWAYS GOT SOMETHING TO SAY BACK.

IT DON'T MATTER WHAT I SAY,

SHE ALWAYS GOTTA GIVE ME SOMETHING BACK.

AND IT MAKE ME MAD.

WE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT OVER JUICE THE OTHER DAY.

SHE CAME INTO THE ROOM,

SHE WAS LIKE, "DADDY, JUICE."

I SAID "NO, YOU HAD ENOUGH JUICE, GO GET SOME WATER."

AND SHE LOOKED AT ME.

SHE WAS LIKE, "DOO-MAH-GA-MAH,

DOO-MAH-GAN-GAN."

[laughter]

[speaks gibberish]

"JUICE."

AND I LOOKED AT HER, I WAS LIKE,

"WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU TALKING TO?

[laughter and applause]

SIT YOUR LITTLE ASS DOWN AND GET THE GODDAMN--"

I WAS SO MAD.

I WAS MAD BECAUSE I KNEW SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO SAY.

SHE JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT.

[laughter]

LIKE, IN HER MIND, SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU BLACK MIDGET BITCH,

"GET THE JUICE.

PUNK ASS DADDY."

I KNEW THAT'S WHAT SHE WAS SAYING.

I COULD TELL BY HER HAND MOVEMENTS.

[speaks gibberish]

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU BLACK MIDGET BITCH, GET THE--"

I WAS SO MAD.

I WANTED TO PUNCH HER RIGHT IN THE THROAT.

[laughter]

IT'S MY DAMN BABY, THOUGH.

IT'S MY DAUGHTER, MAN.

I'M SO PROTECTIVE OF MY KIDS, THOUGH, I REALLY AM.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE TAKING MY KIDS OUT THAT MUCH NO MORE.

I GET IN ARGUMENTS WITH THE OTHER KIDS.

I THINK KIDS PLAY TOO ROUGH.

I DO.

ME AND THE BOY GOT INTO IT AT CHUCK E. CHEESE.

IT WASN'T A FIGHT, IT WAS AN ALTERCATION.

WE GOT INTO A LITTLE ALTERCATION,

BECAUSE MY BABY WAS IN THE BALLS,

HE WAS THROWING THE BALLS AT MY DAUGHTER'S HEAD.

THROWIN' THE BALLS, HITTING MY DAUGHTER RIGHT IN THE HEAD.

POW.

MY DAUGHTER'S SO DAMN STUPID, SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A GAME.

SHE PLAYING.

[laughter]

SHE'S LIKE, "DADDY, LOOK!"

SO I'M GETTING MAD, I'M LIKE, "THROW A BALL BACK!"

I'M PISSED OFF.

I LOOK AT MY SON, HE JUST LOOKING AT THE SHIT.

[laughter]

I WAS MAD AT THE WAY MY FAMILY LOOKED AS A UNIT.

LIKE, WE DIDN'T--

[laughter]

WE DIDN'T LOOK GOOD AS A UNIT, MAN.

MY DAUGHTER, SHE TAKING BALLS TO THE FACE.

MY SON'S SHAKING HIS HEAD AND SLOBBERING.

I'M SMALL.

WE LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CIRCUS ACT.

I WAS SO PISSED OFF.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO MAD AT MY WIFE IN MY LIFE.

I WAS LIKE, "WHY WOULD YOU DRESS US IN DIFFERENT COLORS?

"WE LOOK LIKE CLOWNS.

"FROM NOW ON, SOLID COLORS WHEN WE GO OUT.

WE LOOK LIKE A TEAM. SOLID COLORS."

[laughter]

MY DAMN KIDS, THOUGH, MAN.

YOU GOTTA ACCEPT YOUR-- ACCEPT WHAT YOU HAVE.

ACCEPT THE LIFE THAT YOU CHOSE.

I DON'T MIND THE PRESSURE THAT COMES WITH KIDS, THOUGH.

I COULD TAKE THAT PRESSURE.

I DON'T LIKE THE PRESSURE THAT WOMEN PUT ON MEN.

I THINK WOMEN PUT WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON MEN.

THEY DO, Y'ALL DON'T EVEN REALIZE HOW MUCH PRESSURE

YOU PUT ON MEN.

IS THAT YOUR LADY RIGHT THERE, MAN?

HOW LONG Y'ALL BEEN TOGETHER?

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY "PRESSURE."

THAT SHE EXPECTS A LOT FROM YOU.

SHE WANTS YOU TO--

TO PROVIDE FOR HER, AND PROTECT HER.

WHETHER YOU REALIZE IT OR NOT, SHE DO.

LIKE, RIGHT NOW, IF A FIRE BREAK OUT.

A BIG ASS FIRE, POOF, GO UP IN FLAMES,

FIRST THING SHE GONNA DO IS LOOK AT YOU.

[laughter]

[groaning]

AND YOU GOTTA COME UP WITH A PLAN IN HER MIND.

"BABY, GET ON MY BACK, I'M GONNA BUST US OUT OF HERE."

SHE WANNA HEAR SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THAT.

"BITCH, YOU BETTER STOP, DROP AND ROLL

"AND FIND THAT EXIT.

I'M SCARED TOO."

BUT THAT'S WHAT WOMEN WANT.

WOMEN LIKE THAT SECURITY.

I'M A GREAT PROVIDER.

I GOT MONEY, I CAN PAY FOR STUFF, I DON'T MIND THAT.

I'M NOT A PROTECTOR.

THAT'S WHERE I'M, LIKE, NOT THAT GUY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, WOMEN, YOU WANT EVERY GUY TO FIGHT FOR YOU.

THAT'S NOT ME. I'M NOT A FIGHTER.

I WON'T SAY THAT I AM, I WILL NEVER PRETEND TO BE.

THAT'S NOT WHO I AM.

PRIME EXAMPLE, LET'S SAY ME AND YOU GO TO THE MOVIES, RIGHT?

WE AT THE MOVIES, WE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

OUT OF NOWHERE, SOME GUY COME UP

AND SMACK YOU IN THE FACE REAL HARD.

AND IF YOU WITH ME, THEN YOU JUST GOT SMACKED.

THAT'S SOMETHING THAT JUST--

[laughter]

I'M BEING HONEST, ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT GONNA DO NOTHIN' ABOUT IT.

NOW, WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT WHEN WE GET IN THE CAR.

LET'S FIGURE OUT WHY IT HAPPENED,

AND SEE WHAT WE CAN DO

TO PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.

BUT AS FAR AS ME JUST GOING AND DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT,

I'M NOT GONNA FUCKING DO IT.

BECAUSE IF HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FACE,

I KNOW HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MINE.

THAT'S COMMON SENSE.

TWO BLACK EYES AIN'T GONNA GET US HOME.

SOMEBODY GOT TO DRIVE. THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT.

I'M A WITNESS. I SAW EVERYTHING.

"WHEN HE HIT YOU, I GOT BEHIND THE VENDING MACHINE,

"'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT WE WERE TOGETHER.

"IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS WHO I'M WITH.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE KICKED YOU WHEN YOU FELL.

"THAT'S--THAT'S WHERE I GOT UPSET.

"'CAUSE YOU GAVE UP!

"YOU DIDN'T WANT TO FIGHT NO MORE.

"WHY WOULD HE PUT HIS BOOT TO YOUR FACE?

"THAT'S JUST DISGUSTING TO ME.

HE SHOULD BE SHOT."

SEE, TOO MANY PEOPLE GET KNOCKED OUT.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE TO FIGHT, MAN.

YOU EVER SEE SOMEBODY GET KNOCKED OUT, MAN?

LIKE, KNOCKED OUT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT IN PERSON.

LIKE, YOU WITNESSED SOMEBODY GET KNOCKED THE HELL OUT.

IT CHANGES YOUR OPINION ON FIGHTING, DOESN'T IT?

WHEN YOU SEE SOMEBODY GET KNOCKED OUT,

YOU DON'T WANT TO FIGHT NO MORE.

LIKE, "DAMN, THAT SHIT LOOKED LIKE IT HURT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I WANNA--"

I SAW SOMEBODY GET KNOCKED OUT.

ME AND MY BOY, WE AT A CLUB, RIGHT?

WE HAVING A GOOD TIME, WE PARTYING.

MM-MM. GET MONEY.

MM-MM. GET MONEY.

WE HAVIN' A GOOD TIME, RIGHT?

OUT OF NOWHERE-- THAT'S HOW WE PARTY,

'CAUSE WE BOTH SMALL.

I DON'T HANG WITH TALL PEOPLE.

IT WAS JUST US. MM-MM, RIGHT?

SO OUT OF NOWHERE, HE GET INTO AN ARGUMENT

WITH THIS GUY AT THE BAR.

THE GUY AT THE BAR GOT MAD,

PUNCHED MY BOY IN THE FACE.

POW.

AS SOON AS HE HIT HIM, MY FRIEND FELL ASLEEP.

[snores]

[laughter]

NOW, WHEN HE WOKE UP, HE GOT MAD AT ME.

HE WAS LIKE, "KEV, HOW COME YOU AIN'T GET HIM?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S SOME SELFISH SHIT.

"BECAUSE I JUST SAW WHAT HE WAS CAPABLE OF.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"LIKE, HE--HE MADE YOU GO TO SLEEP.

"I'M NOT TIRED. I'M WIDE AWAKE.

[laughter]

"I TOOK A NAP.

"WHY WOULD I WALK RIGHT INTO THAT ASS-WHOOPING?

"THAT'S STUPID.

"IF HE HIT ME, AND I GO TO SLEEP,

"WHO GONNA WAKE WHO UP?

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYIN'?"

I DON'T WANT THAT PROBLEM.

AIN'T NOBODY TRYIN' TO FALL ASLEEP AT A BAR.

THAT'S HOW YOU GET RAPED. EVERYBODY KNOWS--

[laughter]

THE PERCENTAGES OF RAPES HAPPEN

WHEN PEOPLE FALL ASLEEP AT A BAR, I PROMISE YOU.

HE WAS TELLING ME ALL THE STUFF THAT I KNOW.

I SAW MY UNCLE GET KNOCKED OUT ONE TIME.

THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE FUNNIEST SHIT

I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

WE WAS AT A FAMILY REUNION.

FIRST OF ALL, A FAMILY REUNION IS A PICNIC.

IT'S KIDS AND SHIT AROUND, IT'S A TIME FOR FUN.

MY UNCLE GOT DRUNK, HE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT

WITH THIS GUY OVER PICNIC SPACE.

LIKE, "HEY, MAN, YOU AND YOUR KIDS,

"Y'ALL NOT NO HARTS.

Y'ALL NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS PICNIC SPACE."

AND THE GUY WAS-- YOU KNOW, THE GUY WAS LIKE,

"LOOK, I DON'T MIND MOVING,

BUT DON'T CURSE AT ME IN FRONT OF MY KIDS."

SO MY UNCLE WAS DRUNK, HE WENT TO CURSE AGAIN.

BUT BEFORE HE GOT IT OUT, THE GUY HIT HIM.

YOU EVER SEE SOMEBODY GET HIT SO HARD,

THEY TRY TO GRAB EVERYTHING ON THE WAY DOWN?

[laughter]

IT HAPPENED SO FAST, HE WAS LIKE--

MY UNCLE WAS LIKE, "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

FUCK Y--"

[laughter]

THE SHIT THAT MADE ME LAUGH IS THAT HE WAS LOOKING

AT HIM THE WHOLE WAY DOWN.

[laughter]

I WAS LIKE, "JUST GO DOWN.

"FALL! SHIT, MAN!

YOU'RE MESSING UP THE PICNIC."

CHANGE CAME OUT OF HIS POCKET.

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN SOMEBODY GET HIT SO HARD

THAT CHANGE COME OUT THEY JEANS

WHEN THEY STANDIN' UP.

YOU KNOW HOW HARD A NIGGA GOTTA HIT YOU

FOR LOOSE CHANGE TO COME OUT YOUR JEANS?

AS SOON AS HE GOT HIT, 35 CENTS FLEW OUT HIS POCKET.

[laughter]

I SAID "GODDAMN.

YOU JUST KNOCKED 35 CENTS OUT OF UNCLE RICHARD JR.'S POCKET."

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOBODY GET HIT THAT HARD.

THESE ARE THINGS THAT I'VE SEEN.

I'VE WITNESSED THIS, MAN.

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHO YOU ARE AS AN INDIVIDUAL.

IF YOU'RE NOT A FIGHTER,

UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE NOT A FIGHTER.

I KNOW I'M NOT A FIGHTER. THAT'S WHY I CARRY A WHISTLE.

I'LL BLOW THE SHIT OUT OF A WHISTLE IN SOMEBODY'S FACE.

"FUCK WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO.

"YOU GONNA WIN THE FIGHT,

"BUT YOU AIN'T GONNA HEAR SHIT TOMORROW, BITCH.

[whistles]

PUT THAT WHISTLE IN YOUR FACE, BITCH."

IT'S KINDA HARD TO FIGHT A WHISTLE.

[laughter]

GOTTA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT, WHAT YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT.

I'M A GOOD ARGUER. I CAN ARGUE.

BUT I ALSO--YOU ALSO GOTTA KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF THINGS

WHEN YOU ARGUE.

YOU EVER ARGUE WITH SOMEBODY,

AND THEN THEY GET UP, AND THEN YOUR MIND--

YOU KNOW, YOU FEEL A LITTLE DIFFERENT ABOUT THE FIGHT?

YOU GOTTA KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT WHEN YOU DON'T THINK

YOU'RE GONNA WIN.

THERE'S CERTAIN THINGS YOU CAN DO TO LET A PERSON KNOW

THAT YOU NOT READY TO FIGHT.

I WAS ARGUING WITH THIS GUY-- WE AT A CLUB.

HE'S SITTING DOWN, I'M LIKE, "DUDE,"

I SAID "YOU KNOW WHAT, SAY SOMETHING ELSE TO ME,

"I PROMISE YOU I'M GONNA SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

"AND I MEAN THAT.

SAY SOMETHING ELSE, I'M GONNA SMACK THIS SHIT OUT OF YOU."

LIKE, THAT'S MY THUG LOOK RIGHT THERE.

YOU KNOW, THUGS GET TO CLAPPING THEIR HANDS AND STAND UP.

"SAY SOMETHING ELSE...

[laughter]

"OR, ON EVERYTHING I LOVE,

I'M GONNA SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, B, FOR REAL."

AND HE GOT UP, AND HE WAS BIGGER THAN I THOUGHT HE WAS.

I WAS LIKE "COME ON, GIVE ME A HUG, BRING IT IN.

[laughter]

"I'M SERIOUS, THIS IS STUPID. COME ON, MAN.

"THERE'S NO REASON FOR US TO ACT--

"YOU CAN'T FIGHT NOBODY DOING THIS.

COME ON, MAN."

[laughter]

THERE'S WAYS OF LETTING PEOPLE KNOW

THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO FIGHT.

I GOT ONE FIGHT MOVE.

IF YOU GET PAST THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I'M CONFUSED.

I'M GONNA LET Y'ALL SEE SOME CLASSIFIED SHIT RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS CLASSIFIED, OKAY? THIS IS MY FIGHT MOVE.

"WHAT, WHO YOU TALKIN' TO?"

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH. THIS IS SERIOUS.

[laughter]

THIS IS SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

I'M ABOUT TO SHOW Y'ALL MY FIGHT MOVE, ALL RIGHT?

"WHAT? WHO YOU TALKIN' TO?

"DO YOU KNOW-- DON'T TALK LIKE YOU KNOW ME.

BITCH, SAY SOMETHIN' THEN. SAY IT!"

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S IT.

IT'S REAL QUICK.

THAT'S CLASSIFIED, ALL RIGHT?

I'LL SHOW Y'ALL ONE MORE TIME. YOU GET ONE MORE PEEK AT IT.

I'M GONNA GIVE Y'ALL ONE MORE CHANCE TO SEE IT, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S REAL QUICK.

"WHAT? WHO YOU TALKIN' TO?

"DUDE, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW-- SAY SOMETHING.

SAY SOMETHING!"

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S A QUICK SHUFFLE OF THE FEET.

THAT'S ALL I GOT.

[laughter]

IF YOU GET PAST THAT, I'M DONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

IT CONFUSES PEOPLE.

YOU CAN EITHER THINK I'M ABOUT TO KICK YOU,

PUNCH YOU, HAPPY FEET, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

[laughter]

THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENT COMBINATIONS

THAT COME ACROSS WITH THAT MOVE.

[laughter]

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT AS AN INDIVIDUAL, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW, I'M GOOD AT SEEING THINGS.

I'M GOOD AT NOTICING THINGS.

LIKE, I REMEMBER ONE OF MY FRIENDS GOT JUMPED ONE TIME.

AND I WAS WITH HIM. I RAN.

THE REASON WHY I RAN IS BECAUSE I SAW IT COMING.

LIKE, YOU KNOW--

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE SOMETHING COMING,

YOU START TO BREAK IT DOWN?

"OH, YEAH, OH, WAIT, OH, SHIT, WAIT, OH, NO,

THIS DON'T LOOK GOOD. THEY LOOK ANGRY."

I TOOK OFF.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT'S BAD ABOUT RUNNING ON SOMEBODY.

IT'S REAL BAD WHEN YOU RUN ON SOMEBODY,

AND THEY SURVIVE THE JUMPING.

[laughter]

'CAUSE WHEN YOU SEE HIM, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

LIKE, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HIM.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY...

[laughter]

"LOOK WHO'S ALIVE! HEY, MAN!

"HOW'D YOU MAKE IT OUT OF THERE?

"UP TOP. NO, NOTHING?

[laughter]

NO? UP TOP, NOTHING?"

I SAW--

I SAW SOMEBODY GET KICKED IN THE FACE BEFORE.

THAT SHIT WAS FUNNY.

I THINK IF YOU GET KICKED IN THE FACE,

YOU DESERVED IT, BECAUSE THAT MEANS

THAT YOU WATCHED THE FOOT COMING TO YOUR FACE.

[laughter]

GOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE TO FIGHT SOMEBODY

USING THEY FEET.

THE PERSON I SAW GET KICKED IN THE FACE,

THE REASON WHY I LAUGHED IS BECAUSE WHEN HE GOT KICKED,

HE LOOKED AT US FOR CONFIRMATION.

[laughter]

LIKE HE NEEDED APPROVAL ON WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

HE'S LIKE, "AH! YO, SHIT, YO!"

[laughter]

"UH, IT WAS HIM, YEAH.

"YOU BETTER LOOK AT HIS OTHER FOOT,

"BEFORE HE KICK YOU AGAIN.

"HE'S GOOD. THAT GUY'S GOOD.

HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING."

WOULD YOU FIGHT SOMEBODY USING THEY FEET, MAN?

LIKE, IF WE GONNA FIGHT,

I'M GONNA TELL YOU "PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

PUT YOUR HANDS UP. LET'S FIGHT."

NOW IF I GO TO FIGHT YOU, AND YOU START STRETCHING...

[laughter]

THAT MEANS YOU KNOW SOME SHIT I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT YOU.

I HAD AN INCIDENT WHERE A GUY STARTED--

WELL, HE TRIED. HE DIDN'T USE IT ON ME.

BUT HE WAS GONNA ATTEMPT TO USE HIS FEET.

I WAS WITH MY MOM, RIGHT?

ME AND MY MOM, WE IN THE PARKING LOT OF BEST BUY,

I'M LOOKING FOR A PARKING SPACE.

NOW, ALL THE SPACES WAS TOOKEN.

BUT THERE'S ONE TRUCK ABOUT TO BACK INTO HIS PARKING SPOT,

BUT HE WAS TAKING TOO LONG.

SO I GOT MAD, AND I STOLE IT.

I WHIPPED INTO THE SPOT REAL FAST.

AH, AH.

LIKE, YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE WRONG,

'CAUSE YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN AND ROLL YOUR WINDOWS UP.

YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT HIM. YOU START HUMMING.

[hums]

OUT OF NOWHERE, THE GUY GOT OUT OF THE TRUCK.

HE WAS LIKE, "YO, MAN, I KNOW YOU SAW ME

"ABOUT TO BACK INTO THAT SPOT.

YOU BACK OUT OR WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM."

CHINESE GUY, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, I'M WITH MY MOM, SO I AIN'T GONNA BE NO BITCH.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I GUESS WE GOT A PROBLEM."

THIS IS HOW I KNOW I DIDN'T WANT THIS PROBLEM.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID TO ME.

HE WAS LIKE, "OH, SO WE GOT A PROBLEM?

HMM? DO WE?"

[laughter]

"GET--GET IN THE CAR. GET IN THE CAR, MOM."

[laughter]

ANYBODY THAT SMACK THEIR KNEES TWICE

IS AN ASSASSIN.

HE ABOUT TO KICK YOUR GOD DAMN TEMPLE OFF YOUR FACE.

THAT'S WHAT HE ABOUT TO DO.

MY MOM'S ALL, "WHY WE--"

"GET IN THE GOD DAMN CAR!

BEFORE HE KILL US, MOM."

[laughter]

I KNOW WHO TO FIGHT, WHO NOT TO FIGHT, MAN.

I WOULD LOVE TO BE A THUG.

I SWEAR, I WISH I COULD BE A THUG.

I DON'T HAVE IT IN ME.

LIKE, I DON'T HAVE THOSE THUG QUALITIES IN ME.

I WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO THIS THUG DUDE.

I WAS IN DC NOT TOO LONG AGO, RIGHT?

AND I TALKED TO THIS GUY,

WE MIGHT HAVE TALKED FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES.

I SWEAR TO YOU I DON'T KNOW

WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.

BUT HE WAS SO PASSIONATE ABOUT THE STUFF THAT HE WAS SAYING,

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY I STAYED THERE TO LISTEN.

HERE'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID-- IT'S NOT EVEN A JOKE.

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW HE WAS TALKING TO ME.

HE WAS LIKE, "YAH-NAH I MEAN?

"I'M TALKIN' TO THIS DUDE, RIGHT,

"MAN WE TALKIN', HE TALKIN' ABOUT WHA-WHA-WHA-WHA.

[laughter]

"RIGHT, AND I'M LIKE, 'AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH,' RIGHT?

"YAH-NAH I MEAN?

"NIG COME UP TO ME I'M AH-AHH!

"KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

"HERE, GET DAT, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN',

"FLIP DAT, PRESS DAT, AH-AH-AH-AH-AH.

"EVERYBODY GET MONEY! AH-AH.

"BIRD GOT WHOO! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

"I'M TALKIN' HE SAID--

[babbled indistinctly]

"YAH-NAH I MEAN? TALKIN' TO ME--

[screeches]

"RIGHT? RIGHT?

[high-pitched babbling]

"KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? HE CAME BACK.

[babbles indistinctly]

I LOOKED UP, HE WAS DEAD."

I SAID, "WHOA, WHAT, WAIT A SECOND.

"BACK UP. BACK, WHO--

WELL, WHO KILLED HIM? WHOOP WHOOP?"

I WAS SO CONFUSED, I THOUGHT I WAS A WITNESS.

I SAID "DID I SEE THIS?

[laughter]

"WAS I THERE?

"I DON'T WANT TO BE A PART OF IT,

IS WHAT I'M SAYING."

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO AFRAID IN MY LIFE, MAN.

[laughter]

I JUST DON'T DO GOOD WITH THUG STUFF.

THUG ACTIVITY.

I HAD ONE THUG DUDE TELL ME HE WAS

GONNA POP THE TRUNK ON ME ONE TIME.

HE'S LIKE, "SAY SOMETHING ELSE,

I'M GONNA POP THE TRUNK ON YOUR BITCH ASS."

EVERYBODY RAN.

I SAID "WELL, WHERE'D YOU PARK?"

[laughter]

HE LOOKS AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY.

"MAN, GET OUT OF THERE!"

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW FAR IT WAS.

I MIGHT NOT HAVE TO RUN.

WE COULD CATCH THE TRAIN AND STILL GET HOME.

[laughter]

WISH I COULD BE A RAPPER OR SOME SHIT.

I REALLY DO.

YOU KNOW WHY I CAN'T BE A RAPPER, THOUGH, MAN?

BECAUSE MY VOICE AIN'T DEEP ENOUGH.

TO BE A RAPPER, YOU NEED A DEEP VOICE.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY PEOPLE GONNA WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU

ON A REGULAR BASIS.

I DON'T THINK NOBODY WOULD BUY MY ALBUM

BECAUSE MY VOICE IS TOO SMALL.

[speaking lightly] YEAH, BITCH, I'M A KILLER.

I SHOOT YOU IN YOUR FACE.

[laughter and applause]

[mimics ricochets] EVERYBODY GONNA DIE.

[mimics ricochets] EVERY...

BODY GONNA DIE TONIGHT.

DID HE JUST SAY... [mimic ricochets]

[laughter]

I'M NOT BUYIN' THAT SHIT IF HE SAID...

[mimics ricochets]

AIN'T NO WAY.

CERTAIN SHIT JUST KEEPS YOU FROM BEING TOUGH.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S REALLY KEEPING ME FROM BEING TOUGH?

LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS REALLY HOLDING ME BACK.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT HERE. LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT. LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

[laughter]

THIS IS REALLY FUCKING ME UP, MAN.

AIN'T NOTHIN' TOUGH ABOUT THIS.

IT DON'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY,

AIN'T NOBODY GONNA TAKE YOU SERIOUS IF YOU SWING YOUR FEET.

IT DON'T MATTER.

I WILL KILL EVERYBODY IN THIS BITCH TONIGHT!

I AIN'T FUCKING PLAYING WITH Y'ALL.

Y'ALL THINK THIS IS A GAME?

NO, I'M SICK OF IT.

I'M SICK OF THE WAY PEOPLE TREAT ME AROUND HERE.

WOULD YOU TALK TO A GUY WHO SWUNG HIS FEET?

IF YOU AT A CLUB AND I TRIED TO TALK TO YOU?

"COME HERE, BABY, LET ME HOLLER AT YOU FOR A SECOND.

"YOU, GIRL, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHO I'M TALKING TO.

"WAIT A SECOND.

"LET ME CLIMB DOWN AND GET MY FEET TOGETHER.

WAIT A MINUTE NOW."

[laughter]

RAPPERS MAKE ME LAUGH, THOUGH.

I SWEAR RAPPERS ARE FUNNY, MAN.

YOU EVER SEE RAPPERS FREESTYLE?

LIKE WHEN THEY BE BATTLING EACH OTHER?

YOU EVER NOTICE THE MORE ANGRY A RAPPER GETS,

THE HIGHER HIS HANDS GET?

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

[laughter]

THEY START OFF SO CALM.

THIS IS RAPPERS WHEN THEY FREESTYLE.

LIKE, THE DUDE--THIS IS THE DUDE WHEN HE'S LISTENING

TO THE OTHER GUY.

[laughter]

"YOU READY?"

"NO, I GOT HIM. I GOT HIM, B."

WAIT, THIS IS REALLY HOW THEY BE, LOOK.

[laughter]

"REAL TALK."

I NEED A STRAIGHT LOOK THOUGH. [laughter and applause]

HEY.

THIS IS HOW--

THIS IS HOW THE RAPPER--

I'M REALLY TRYING TO BE A RAPPER RIGHT NOW.

LIKE, THIS--

[laughter]

THIS IS THE REAL ANGRY RAPPER.

"REAL TALK.

"I KILL NIGGAS.

"I SLAY NIGGAS THAT DON'T LOVE IT.

"NIGGA, YOU WANNA BEAT ME TO GET IT,

I GET IT BACK!"

[laughter and applause]

THE OTHER DUDE, HE'S SO CONFUSED.

"OH, SHIT, THIS NIGGA'S CRAZY!"

HE BE TRYING TO FOLLOW HIS HANDS.

"HE'S CRAZY. HE'S ABOUT TO KILL ME.

HE'S GONNA CAP ME OR SOMETHING."

[laughter]

I CAN'T BE THAT GUY, MAN.

I WANT TO BE.

THERE'S SO MUCH STUFF THAT I WANTED TO DO

THAT I'M REALIZING NOW THAT I CAN'T DO.

LIKE, I WANTED TO BE A SINGER.

I WANTED TO BE AN R&B SINGER FOR A LONG TIME.

BUT I CAN'T SING, BUT I CAN DANCE MY ASS OFF.

IF ANYBODY HERE IS TRYING TO BE A SINGER,

I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MAKE IT.

ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS MORE CLASSIFIED STUFF.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO IS OPEN YOUR HANDS,

CLOSE THEM, AND POINT.

THAT'S IT.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY. YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT?"

BUT I'M TELLING Y'ALL, IT LOOK GOOD.

WATCH THIS. I'M NOT GONNA SING NOTHING.

BUT TELL ME THIS DON'T LOOK LIKE I'M ABOUT TO SAY SOME STUFF.

LOOK AT THIS.

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

"OH, SHIT!

"HE GONNA SING SOMETHING!

WHEN HE GONNA SING, GIRL?"

[laughter]

THAT OR THE SLIDE OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE SLIDE OUT IS?

YOU EVER SEE AN OLD GROUP, WHEN AN OLD GROUP BE IN THE THING?

LIKE THE TEMPTATIONS OR SOMEBODY,

YOU NEVER KNOW WHO THE LEAD SINGER IS,

SO THEY SLIDE OUT.

THEY BE LIKE THIS.

THEY SLIDE OUT AND START SINGING ON YOU.

THAT'S THE BEST SHIT EVER.

'CAUSE THEY BE TALKING SHIT.

"THESE BITCHES DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S ABOUT TO HIT THEM.

"I'M ABOUT TO SLIDE OUT ON HER.

OOH."

[laughter]

"HE'S GOOD. THIS GUY IS GOOD, HE'S GOOD."

[laughter]

I WAS WORKING OUT AND EVERYTHING.

SERIOUS ABOUT MY SINGING CAREER.

HAD TO STOP WORKING OUT.

SOME NAKED GUY TRIED TO TALK TO ME IN THE GYM.

I AIN'T LIKE THAT.

HE WAS ASS-NAKED, TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

WITH ME WHILE I WAS AT MY LOCKER.

I'M GETTING MY STUFF OUT OF MY LOCKER.

HE CAME UP TO ME, HE'S LIKE,

"HEY MAN, SO HOW LONG YOU BEEN A MEMBER?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY IS YOUR DICK HARD?

"WHAT KIND OF GYM IS THIS?

WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN, MAN?"

I GOT A LITTLE BUTT.

THAT'S THE FIRST THING I THINK ABOUT.

I DIDN'T HAVE MY WHISTLE.

IF I HAD MY WHISTLE, I WOULD HAVE FELT BETTER.

[laughter]

I DIDN'T WANT TO ASK FOR A HUG,

'CAUSE HE WAS HARD.

I DON'T WANT THAT SHIT POKING ME IN THE BELLY BUTTON.

THAT'S KIND OF LIKE INTERCOURSE A LITTLE BIT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL THAT.

I MIGHT HAVE BEEN GAY.

YOU PUT IT IN MY BELLY BUTTON AND I'M GAY.

"YOU GAY?"

"YEAH, HE PUT IT IN MY BELLY BUTTON.

THAT'S GOTTA BE GAY."

[laughter]

I'M SERIOUS.

I'M JUST TELLING Y'ALL THE STUFF THAT I KNOW.

THESE ARE THINGS THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH, MAN.

I REALLY WAS SERIOUS ABOUT WORKING OUT.

YOU HONESTLY WANT TO KNOW WHY I STOPPED

GOING TO THE GYM, THOUGH?

I SAW ONE OF THEM REAL STRONG GUYS.

YOU EVER SEE THEM REAL BIG DUDES?

REAL HUGE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

NO NECK. JUST BE IN THE GYM WORKIN' OUT?

I SAW HIM ONE DAY, AND I JUST GOT MAD.

I WAS LIKE "DUDE, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

"THAT'S IT, YOU WON!

"YOU GOT 'EM ALL.

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?"

LIKE, Y'ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MAD THAT MAKES ME

WHEN YOU'RE THAT BIG FOR NO REASON.

LIKE, IF YOU GONNA GET THAT BIG, THERE'S GOTTA BE A REASON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, WHEN I ASK YOU WHY YOU'RE WORKING OUT,

YOU SHOULD TELL ME "I'M TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS.

I'M ABOUT TO ENTER THE STRONGMAN COMPETITION."

SOMETHING!

THERE'S GOT TO BE A FUCKING REASON!

BUT WHEN YOU'RE THAT BIG, AND YOU WORK FOR T-MOBILE,

AND YOU ANSWER THE PHONES...

[laughter]

YOU STRONG AS SHIT,

AND YOU CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THE HEADSET.

[speaking indistinctly]

"HELLO?

THANK YOU FOR CALLING-- HELLO?"

[laughter]

[screams indistinctly]

[laughter]

YOU START MOVING SHIT AROUND THE OFFICE 'CAUSE YOU'RE SO--

[screams]

"THANK YOU FOR CALLING T-MOBILE."

SIT YOUR STRONG, UNPRODUCTIVE ASS DOWN, MAN.

STRONG AS SHIT WITH A HEADSET.

THEY DONE WENT THROUGH 37 HEADSETS THIS MONTH...

[laughter]

'CAUSE YOU'RE HAND'S TOO FUCKING STRONG FOR...

[groans]

"BOSS, ANOTHER ONE.

[laughter]

"THAT'S FIVE TODAY, BOSS.

TAKE 'EM OUT MY CHECK."

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE THE EQUIPMENT, EITHER.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE NONE OF THE EQUIPMENT, MAN.

'CAUSE THE EQUIPMENT GETTING TOO SERIOUS NOW.

LIKE, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN IT WAS REGULAR,

YOU KNEW WHAT IT WAS, IT SAID THE INSTRUCTION.

NOW THEY GOT ALL THESE UNIVERSAL MACHINES AND STUFF.

I WAS TRYING TO WORK MY LEGS THE OTHER DAY,

AND YOU KNOW THE LEG MACHINE THAT GOES LIKE THIS?

LIKE YOU SIT ON IT-- [grunts]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, I GET THERE,

AND IT WAS RECLINED DOWN.

LIKE, IT WAS ALL FLAT ON ONE LEVEL.

SO I THOUGHT IT WAS ARMS.

SO I SAID "OKAY, I'M GONNA WORK MY ARMS."

[laughter]

MY FACE WAS BURNING AND EVERYTHING.

LIKE, I'M DOING SOMETHING RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

SO I GOT UP.

AND WHEN I GOT UP, SOME GUY CAME AND SAT DOWN

RIGHT WHERE MY FACE WAS.

I WAS LIKE "HEY, MAN--"

I TRIED TO TELL HIM "HEY, YOU DOIN' THAT WRONG.

THAT'S ARMS."

HE WAS LIKE, "NO, THIS IS LEGS."

I WAS LIKE, "SO THAT'S WHY MY FACE WAS BURNING?

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN SMELLING PEOPLE'S BALLS ALL GODDAMN--"

I WAS SO PISSED OFF, 'CAUSE I DID THREE SETS.

HE WATCHED ME DO THREE SETS.

[laughter]

HE JUST STOOD BY THE MACHINE, "THERE YOU GO."

[laughter]

"THAT'S IT, PULL IT UP, PULL IT UP."

SMACK YOU ON THE ASS AND EVERYTHING.

"COME ON, NOW!

IT'S YOUR LAST SET, PULL IT!"

I DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

[laughter]

I DON'T LIKE THOSE GUYS THAT TRY

TO MAKE A SCENE AT THE GYM EITHER.

YOU EVER SEE THE GUYS JUST TRYING TO GET EVERYBODY

TO LOOK AT THEM BEFORE THEY LIFT SOMETHING?

LIKE, I'M ON THE TREADMILL, RIGHT?

I'M WALKING ON THE TREADMILL.

FOR SOME REASON, I CAN'T RUN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, SO I JUST WALK.

I BE ON MY BLACKBERRY.

I JUST PEOPLE WATCH, RIGHT?

BUT IT'S THIS GUY,

HE WAS EITHER GOING TO JAIL, OR HE JUST GOT OUT.

IT WAS ONE OR THE OTHER.

HE WAS ONE OF THOSE "BIGS." LIKE, THE "LITTLE BIG."

THIS--THIS IS THE WEIGHT BENCH RIGHT HERE, RIGHT?

THIS IS THE WEIGHT BENCH.

HE HAD, LIKE, THREE 45 PLATES RIGHT HERE,

HE HAD THREE 45 PLATES RIGHT HERE.

BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO LIFT IT

UNTIL HE KNEW EVERYBODY IN THE GYM WAS LOOKING AT HIM.

[laughter]

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

I WAS JUST LOOKING.

"OH, HE ABOUT TO DO THIS SHIT. HE GONNA DO IT."

HE NEVER DID IT. HE JUST LEFT.

HE JUST WALKED OUT THE GYM.

[laughter]

WHO DOES THAT?

WHO GETS SOMEBODY THAT EXCITED,

AND THEN DON'T FINISH IT?

I WAS PISSED OFF.

WHY WOULD YOU PLAY WITH ME LIKE THAT

AND THEN NOT LIFT IT?

REALLY TRYING TO GET BIG, MAN.

I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT THE GYM.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING ELSE I THOUGHT

A GYM'S GONNA DO FOR ME THOUGH?

I THOUGHT THE GYM WAS GOING TO HELP ME MENTALLY.

HAD A LOT OF MENTAL STUFF I WAS TRYING TO GET OVER.

PHOBIAS AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW, YOU GET A LITTLE BIGGER,

YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.

YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT STUFF YOU'RE AFRAID OF.

GOT ANY PHOBIAS?

NONE THAT YOU CAN THINK OF?

YOU AIN'T SCARED OF NOTHIN', HUH?

[laughter]

YOU EVER WAKE UP AND AN ALLIGATOR

IN YOUR ROOM OR SOME SHIT?

[laughter]

BET YOU'LL BE SCARED OF THAT.

YOU WAKE UP ASS-NAKED, DICK SWINGING.

"HEY! HEY!

GET A BLANKET! GET A BLANKET!"

THAT'S A BAD FEELING RIGHT THERE.

I'M AFRAID OF A LOT OF STUFF, MAN.

EVERYTHING I'M AFRAID OF,

I'M AFRAID OF FOR A REASON, THOUGH.

I DON'T WANT Y'ALL THINKING, OH, I THINK IT'S FUNNY,

I JUST SAY I'M AFRAID OF SOME STUFF.

LIKE, SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO ME,

AND THAT'S WHY I'M AFRAID OF THE STUFF I'M AFRAID OF.

LIKE, I DON'T LIKE GORILLAS. I'M REAL SCARED OF GORILLAS.

[laughter]

I AM, 'CAUSE IT WAS DADDY DAY. I WAS AT THE ZOO.

IT WAS ME AND MY BABIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, I'M BY MYSELF.

I GOT MY SON IN MY ARM, MY DAUGHTER RIGHT HERE,

WE'RE LOOKING AT THE GORILLAS.

WHILE I'M LOOKING AT THE GORILLA,

I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO MY DAUGHTER

WHAT A GORILLA IS, YOU KNOW?

WHILE I'M TALKING, THE GORILLA SMACKED THE GLASS,

REAL HARD.

I'M TALKING ABOUT HARD AS SHIT.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, I'M TALKING TO MY BABY.

"BABY, THAT'S A SILVERBACK GORILLA.

"OKAY, THEY CALL HIM THE SILVERBACK

'CAUSE HE GOT A SILVER THING GOING DOWN HIS BACK."

WHILE I'M TALKING, THE GORILLA'S LIKE...

SMACKED THE SHIT OUT THE GLASS.

IN MY MIND, HE JUST GOT LOOSE.

I WAS LIKE, "HE'S OUT."

[laughter]

I NEVER GOT OUT THE ZOO SO FAST IN MY LIFE.

I MEAN, LIKE, DUDE, I WAS HAUL-ASSING OUT THE ZOO.

BUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU RUNNING,

AND YOU THINK SOMEBODY'S ABOUT TO CATCH YOU,

AND YOU FEEL IT ON YOUR NECK?

I WAS RUNNING, BUT I FELT SOMETHING.

I WAS LIKE "OH, SHIT. THE GORILLA ABOUT TO GRAB ME."

'CAUSE IT FELT LIKE SOMEBODY WAS DOING THIS.

AND I WAS LIKE, "I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

I GOTTA GET THE GORILLA OFF ME."

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I PANICKED.

SO I DROPPED MY BABY. I WAS LIKE, "AH."

[laughter]

MADE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT.

"AHH!"

THEY WERE LIKE, "YOU DROPPED YOUR BABY!"

I WAS LIKE, "UH-UH."

[laughter]

I HAD TO SAVE MYSELF. I DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

I'M SERIOUS.

VERY, VERY SERIOUS.

THAT'S WHERE I'M AT THOUGH, MAN.

I'M JUST SCARED OF A LOT OF SHIT.

I DON'T LIKE GNATS. I'M SCARED OF GNATS.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, LITTLE ASS GNATS, RIGHT?

'CAUSE ME AND MY MOM, WE WAS IN THE PARK, RIGHT?

I WAS, LIKE, NINE YEARS OLD,

AND I WALKED INTO A BUSHEL OF THEM.

YOU EVER SEE GNATS WHEN THEY FLY TOGETHER?

IT'S LIKE 1,000 GNATS IN A CIRCLE.

WELL, I WALKED INTO THAT SHIT, AND I PANICKED.

I DIDN'T KNOW--

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I STAYED THERE.

[screams]

[laughter]

ALL MY MOM HAD TO DO WAS GRAB MY HAND

AND PULL ME OUT THE GNATS.

MY MOM'S SO DAMN DRAMATIC,

MY MOM MADE IT WORSE, 'CAUSE SHE STARTED YELLING.

"SOMEBODY GET MY BABY OUT THE GNATS!

"THE GNATS EATIN' MY BABY!

JESUS CHRIST!"

WHEN I HEARD "JESUS," I THOUGHT IT WAS REAL.

[screams]

THOUGHT THEY WAS EATING ME.

I PUNCHED THIS GIRL IN THE FACE BECAUSE OF A GNAT ONE TIME.

[laughter]

ME AND THIS GIRL WAS TALKING.

WE WAS HAVING A REAL INTIMATE CONVERSATION.

WHILE WE WAS TALKING, A GNAT FLEW BY.

I WAS TRYING TO GET RID OF THE GNAT,

BUT SHE WAS SO CLOSE, SHE CAUGHT THE WORST OF IT.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, WE WERE TALKING,

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, BABY, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD COME OVER AFTER."

SHE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I DON'T MIND."

I SAID "WELL, LOOK, I'M PARKED RIGHT HERE.

JUST PULL AROUND, THAT WAY YOU CAN FOLLOW ME."

"YEAH, MATTER OF FACT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT--"

[laughter]

I LOOKED UP, SHE WAS "AHH!"

"YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT BIG-ASS GNAT?

"GNAT TRIED TO LAY AN EGG ON MY FACE.

"IT WAS A PREGNANT GNAT.

"I KNOW A PREGNANT GNAT WHEN I SEE ONE.

PREGNANT GNAT TRIED TO KILL ME."

JUST TELLIN Y'ALL WHAT I KNOW.

I'VE SEEN IT.

THIS ALL HAPPENED TO ME, MAN.

I DON'T LIKE DOLPHINS. I'M SCARED OF DOLPHINS.

I AM.

ME AND MY WIFE, WE WAS IN MAUI, RIGHT?

WE'RE IN MAUI, SHE WAS LIKE, "COME ON, BABE,

WE SHOULD GO SWIM WITH THE DOLPHINS."

I WAS LIKE, "NO, I TOLD YOU HOW I FEEL ABOUT THEM DOLPHINS."

SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON, STOP BEING A BITCH.

LET'S JUST DO IT."

I WAS LIKE, "DON'T CALL ME NO BITCH."

SHE'S LIKE, "BITCH."

"MAN, WHATEVER."

LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU DON'T GOT A COMEBACK,

SO YOU JUST GOTTA, "PSH, YOU STUPID."

THAT'S ALL I HAD, I DIDN'T HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY.

SO WE GO, WE GO, WE GET THERE.

THEY GOT THE DOLPHINS IN THIS TANK.

THERE'S LIKE EIGHT DOLPHINS IN THIS TANK, RIGHT?

WHEN I GET THERE, I SEE THIS OLD LADY

ON THE BACK OF A DOLPHIN.

I SEE THIS LITTLE BOY.

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, BABE, I MIGHT HAVE BEEN OVERREACTING.

"GET THE CAMERA, TAKE SOME PICTURES OF ME

ON THE BACK OF A DOLPHIN."

I WAS HYPED, RIGHT?

I GET IN THE WATER,

I'M ON THE BACK OF A DOLPHIN.

THE INSTRUCTOR, HE WAS LIKE, "AS SOON AS YOU GRAB

"THE DOLPHIN'S FIN,

"THE DOLPHIN'S GONNA START TAKING YOU AROUND.

SO WHENEVER YOU READY, GRAB HIS FIN."

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, COOL, I'M READY."

AS SOON AS I GRABBED MY DOLPHIN'S FIN,

MY DOLPHIN WENT STRAIGHT TO THE BOTTOM OF THE TANK.

LIKE, HE JUST-- HE JUST WENT DOWN.

SO BECAUSE I WAS SCARED, I DIDN'T LET GO.

I HELD ON.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE SCARED, HOW YOU START

TO MENTALLY CREATE SHIT IN YOUR OWN MIND?

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT I GOT A RACIST DOLPHIN.

[laughter]

"HE DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.

"HE DONE CUT A DEAL WITH A SHARK,

"BRING HIM A BLACK PIECE OF MEAT.

SOMETHING BAD'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN."

SO I LET GO, I GET TO THE TOP.

WHEN I LET GO, I'M SO SCARED,

I START SNAPPING ON THE INSTRUCTOR

AS SOON AS I SEE HIM.

I WAS LIKE, "NOBODY SAW FUCKING DOLPHIN NUMBER EIGHT MISSING?

[laughter]

"HUH, Y'ALL DIDN'T NOTICE I WAS GONE FOR, LIKE, 30 SECONDS?

HE TRIED TO KILL ME! HE TRIED TO KILL ME!"

I WAS MAD.

I WAS SO FUCKING SCARED.

I WAS LIKE, "Y'ALL SEE THE OLD LADY AND THE LITTLE BOY,

"BUT NOBODY SAW THE BLACK FUCKING SWIRL MISSING?

"NOBODY NOTICED THAT THE BLACK DOT WASN'T GOING AROUND?

Y'ALL DIDN'T NOTICE THAT?"

HE WAS LIKE, "CALM DOWN, MAN, CALM DOWN!

IT'S THREE FEET. JUST STAND UP."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?" [laughter]

"WHAT'D HE SAY?"

I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE THAT I WAS WALKING

AND TALKING SHIT AT THE SAME TIME.

COME TO FIND OUT, I NEVER EVEN WENT UNDER WATER.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS,

SOME WATER SPLASHED IN MY FACE,

AND I PANICKED.

[screams]

MADE IT UP. MADE IT ALL UP.

[laughter]

I WAS SCARED.

I NEVER LIED THAT FAST IN MY LIFE.

HE WAS RACIST, THOUGH. I KNOW HE WAS RACIST.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW HE WAS RACIST?

'CAUSE WHEN I GOT OUT THE WATER--

YOU KNOW HOW DOLPHINS ARE LIKE, "GIGGIT, GIGGIT"?

THEY BE DOIN' THAT, LIKE, "GIGGIT, GIGGIT."

WELL, HE LOOKED AT ME.

HE WAS LIKE "NIGGIT, NIGGIT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

BLEW MY WHISTLE IN HIS FACE. I DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT.

HE DON'T WORK THERE. I GOT HIM FIRED.

I KNOW PEOPLE.

WHAT ELSE DON'T I LIKE?

I DON'T LIKE OSTRICHES. I'M SCARED OF OSTRICHES.

FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT AN OSTRICH IS,

IT'S A BIG-ASS BIRD THAT'S THE SAME SIZE AS ME.

THESE BIRDS ARE HUGE, OKAY?

I'M IN NEBRASKA-- DOING A SHOW IN NEBRASKA--

I HAD TO PEE.

SO I'M ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, I'M PEEING, RIGHT?

I GET DONE PEEING, I LOOK TO MY LEFT,

IT'S A BIG-ASS OSTRICH LOOKING AT ME WHILE I'M PEEING.

HE WAS STANDING ON ONE LEG LIKE THIS.

HIS BODY WAS FACING THIS WAY,

BUT HIS HEAD-- HIS HEAD WAS LIKE THIS.

[laughter]

NOW, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, SO I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

MY FRIEND GOT OUT OF THE CAR, HE'S LIKE, "YO, WHAT'S THAT?"

I SAID "I DON'T KNOW.

"IT'S LIKE A BIG-ASS MAN PIGEON. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS."

HE'S LIKE, "THAT AIN'T NO MAN PIGEON."

I WAS LIKE, "IT IS A MAN PIGEON."

HE TOOK A PEN. HE THREW A INK PEN AT IT.

AS SOON AS HE THREW THE PEN AT IT,

HIT THE OSTRICH IN THE CHEST.

SOON AS HE HIT THE OSTRICH, HIS OTHER LEG CAME DOWN.

HE BODY WAS STILL FACING THIS WAY,

BUT HIS HEAD--HIS HEAD WAS STILL LIKE THIS.

NOW, WHEN HIS LEG CAME DOWN,

THIS IS WHEN THE BITCH STARTED TO COME OUT OF ME A LITTLE BIT.

[laughter]

I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

"WE SHOULD, UM--

"WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO GET BACK IN THE CAR, BECAUSE--

"BECAUSE WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, THAT--

"THAT COULD BE A SIGN.

"THAT COULD MEAN, LIKE, YOU GOT TEN SECONDS

"TO GET THE FUCK OUT MY FACE BEFORE I KILL YOU.

"I'M GONNA EAT YOUR KIDS.

"WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY.

SO LET'S JUST GET BACK IN THE CAR WHERE WE SAFE AT."

SO WE GET IN THE CAR.

AS SOON AS WE GET IN THE CAR, I START LAUGHING.

I'M LIKE, "AHH, YOU'RE A BITCH, MAN."

HE'S LIKE, "NO, YOU'RE THE BITCH."

I'M LIKE, "NO, YOU'RE A BITCH."

I'M LAUGHING, I'M DRIVING, LIKE,

30 MILES PER HOUR.

I LOOK OUT THE PASSENGER WINDOW.

THE OSTRICH WAS RUNNING 30 MILES PER HOUR

BESIDE THE CAR.

HIS BODY WAS STILL FACING THIS WAY,

BUT HIS HEAD WAS STILL LIKE THIS.

HE WAS HAUL-ASSING...

[laughter]

AT 30 MILES PER HOUR.

NOW, WHEN I'M SCARED-- LIKE, IF I'M REAL, REAL SCARED,

I GET EMOTIONAL.

I'LL START TO CRY IF I'M REAL, REAL SCARED.

SO I GOT A LITTLE EMOTIONAL, YOU KNOW, I LOOKED AT MY FRIEND,

I WAS LIKE, "WHY WOULD YOU--

"WHY WOULD YOU THROW A PEN AT IT...

[laughter]

"IF--IF--IF--IF WE--

"IF WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS?

[laughter]

"NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

"I'M SAYING, LIKE--

I'M SAYING WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS."

[screaming high-pitched]

HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, STOP BITCHING, SPEED UP, SPEED UP!"

I LIE TO Y'ALL NOT,

I STARTED DRIVING, LIKE, 60 MILES PER HOUR.

WHEN I TELL Y'ALL THAT THIS OSTRICH WAS RUNNING

60 MILES PER HOUR, I'M NOT BULLSHITTING.

HE BODY WAS STILL FACING THIS WAY,

BUT HIS HEAD WAS STILL LIKE THIS.

HE WAS RUNNING SO-- YOU COULDN'T EVEN SEE HIS LEGS,

HE WAS GOING SO FUCKING FAST.

HE WAS MOVING.

AND THE REASON WHY I WAS SO SCARED

IS BECAUSE HE NEVER LOOKED IN FRONT OF HIM.

LIKE, HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT A WALL...

[laughter]

OR ANOTHER OSTRICH, HE WAS JUST LOOKING AT US.

BUT THE WAS HE WAS LOOKING AT US WAS LIKE HE WAS SAYING

"WHEN I CATCH Y'ALL, I'M GONNA FUCK BOTH Y'ALL UP."

OVER A PEN.

OVER A GOD DAMN PEN.

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST APOLOGIZE?"

[laughter]

'CAUSE I DIDN'T THROW THE PEN. I WAS SCARED.

THAT'S THE ONLY TIME I EVER SHITTED ON MYSELF IN MY LIFE.

[laughter]

I'VE NEVER SHITTED ON MYSELF, BUT I LET GO THAT TIME.

I LET LOOSE. I REALLY DID.

'CAUSE I HAD TO GO. I REALLY DID.

NO, I'VE SHITTED ON MYSELF BEFORE.

THIS GUY TRIED TO STICK ME UP.

THIS GUY CAME AT ME WITH A GUN.

HE WAS LIKE, "GIVE ME YOUR MONEY, BITCH.

ALL OF IT."

I WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN."

[grunts]

[laughter]

HE WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT SMELL?"

I WAS LIKE, "I SHITTED."

HE'S LIKE, "GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE.

"DON'T NOBODY WANNA SMELL THAT

WHILE THEY TAKING YOUR MONEY, MAN."

[laughter]

I WAS HONEST. THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

I THINK THAT'S PROBABLY WHY WOMEN DON'T RESPECT ME,

'CAUSE I'M SO HONEST.

I'M SERIOUS, MY WIFE DON'T RESPECT ME.

I KNOW SHE DON'T.

YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR LADY RESPECT YOU, MAN?

YOU EVER FIGHT?

NO?

NEVER, LIKE, FISTFIGHT? LIKE A GOOD ONE?

NEVER?

[laughter]

YOU'VE NEVER TRIED TO HIT HIM, EVER?

NO?

YOU TRIED TO HIT HIM.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN, I'M BEING HONEST WITH YOU.

I PROMOTE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

I THINK IF YOU'RE IN-- [laughter]

NO, I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY.

I'M TELLING Y'ALL SOME REAL STUFF.

I THINK IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP,

AND YOUR WOMAN HAS NEVER TRIED TO HIT YOU,

SHE DON'T LOVE YOU.

ANY WOMAN THAT LOVES YOU

I GONNA TRY TO HURT YOU AT SOME POINT IN TIME

WHEN YOU MAKE HER MAD.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GOT A GOOD WOMAN.

I DON'T MIND THAT.

I DON'T LIKE HYPOCRITES.

I DON'T LIKE WOMEN THAT ARE HYPOCRITES.

LIKE, ANY FEMALE THAT'LL, LIKE, DARE A MAN TO HIT HER

FOR THREE HOURS, AND THEN ACT SURPRISED WHEN HE DO IT.

I DON'T LIKE THAT.

[laughter]

I DON'T. I DON'T LIKE THAT.

YOU EVER SEE THAT?

YOU EVER SEE A WOMAN TALK ALL THAT SHIT,

AND THEN ACT LIKE SHE DON'T KNOW

WHERE THE CONSEQUENCES CAME FROM?

"YEAH, YEAH, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

"I WISH YOU WOULD PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME.

"NO, NO, NO, I WISH YOU WOULD.

"SEE, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

"SEE, YOU THINK I'M ONE OF THESE REGULAR BITCHES

"THAT WON'T FIGHT YOU BACK.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK. BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I PROMISE YOU, BOO-BOO--"

[laughter]

HEY, YOU EVER HAVE A GIRL SLOW DOWN ON YOU LIKE THAT?

"BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

"I PROMISE YOU, BOO-BOO,

"THIS NOT GONNA GO DOWN THE WAY YOU THINK.

"NO, DON'T BE A BITCH.

"DON'T BE A BITCH AND WALK AWAY.

COME BACK, PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, WATCH WHAT I DO.

[screaming]

"HE'S CRAZY!

HELP!"

HE'S NOT CRAZY.

HE'S JUST TIRED OF YOU TALKING SHIT FOR THREE HOURS.

THAT'S ALL THAT IS.

[laughter]

WOMEN, Y'ALL KNOW HOW TO PUSH THEM BUTTONS, MAN.

Y'ALL TALENTED.

WOMEN, Y'ALL GOT A DIFFERENT LEVEL.

LIKE, Y'ALL PUSH MEN TO A DIFFERENT LEVEL OF ANGER.

LIKE, YOU EVER GET SO MAD WHEN YOU ARGUE WITH A GIRL

THAT YOU CAN'T FIND THE WORD, SO YOU GOTTA MAKE A NOISE?

THE WORD IS RIGHT THERE, BUT YOU CAN'T GET IT OUT.

"BITCH, FIRST OF ALL, I'M TRYING TRYIN' TO--

"I GOT ALL THE-- UH, STUFF TO--

HOO, SHIT!"

[laughter and applause]

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT NOISE CAME FROM.

YOU NEVER MADE THAT NOISE, EVER IN YOUR LIFE.

[laughter]

THEY MAKE YOU GET TO THOSE POINTS.

YOU EVER OUTLINE A GIRL? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S WHEN YOU PUT YOUR HANDS AROUND YOUR LADY'S FACE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HIT HER,

YOU JUST WANT TO SHOW HER WHAT YOU COULD DO.

IT'S A SCARE TACTIC. IT'S REAL FAST.

"BITCH, SAY SOMETHING ELSE. I SWEAR TO GOD."

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S REAL QUICK.

"SAY ANOTHER-- SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL--"

YOUR THREATS DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

"I'LL PUT YOUR STOMACH IN YOUR FACE AND MAKE YOU EAT YOURSELF."

"WHAT?

"WHAT'D YOU SAY?

STOMACH IN YOUR FACE? MAKE YOU EAT YOURSELF?"

[laughter]

EVERY WOMAN KNOWS HOW TO PUSH A MAN'S BUTTONS.

THAT'S WHAT Y'ALL GOOD AT.

YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE YOUR MAN MAD.

YOU KNOW HOW TO PISS HIM OFF.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO MAKE HIM MAD.

HE COULD ARGUE WITH ANY OTHER WOMAN IN HERE,

HE NOT GONNA CARE WHAT THEY GOT TO SAY.

"SHUT UP, BEAT IT, GET OUT MY FACE."

YOU KNOW HOW TO GET A REACTION.

"FUCK YOU, TERRANCE.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR THIRD BALL."

"WHAT, BITCH? MY THIRD--

"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY THIRD BALL!

"THE DOCTOR SAID IT'S A POSSIBLE MEDICAL CONDITION.

IT COULD BE CANCER."

[laughter]

HE DON'T LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW HOW TO GET THOSE REACTIONS OUT OF HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY WIFE DO TO MAKE ME MAD?

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN SHE SINGS WHEN SHE GETS MAD.

I CAN'T STAND THAT.

I CAN'T STAND THAT, WHEN WOMEN GET SO EMOTIONAL,

THEY START SINGING WHEN THEY GET MAD.

[speaking tonally] "YOU AIN'T GON' DO SHIT, NIGGA.

"YOU AIN'T GON' DO SHIT.

"YOU AINT' GON' DO SHIT.

"YOU AIN'T GON' DO IT.

YOU--AIN'T--GON'-- DO SHIT."

[laughter]

YOU JUST GOTTA SIT THERE

WITH THE "YOU AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT" FACE.

[laughter]

THAT'S THE FACE THAT SAY YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' LEFT.

[laughter]

THAT'S WHAT WOMEN DO.

WOMEN, YOU PLAY MIND GAMES.

STOP FORGIVING MEN FOR STUFF,

AND AFTER YOU FORGIVE THEM,

THEN FORGET THAT YOU FORGAVE THEM,

AND TALK ABOUT THE SHIT THAT YOU ALREADY FORGAVE THEM FOR,

AND GET MAD ABOUT IT.

STOP DOING THAT.

IF YOU FORGAVE HIM, FORGIVE HIM.

THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN BEING A MAN THAT MESSED UP IN THE PAST

AND YOU TRYING TO CORRECT YOURSELF,

BUT YOUR WOMAN KEEP BRINGING THE PAST UP.

SO NOW EVERY TIME YOU TELL THE TRUTH,

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU LYIN', AND WHEN YOU LYIN',

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE TELLING THE TRUTH.

I WAS AT THE POINT IN MY RELATIONSHIP

WHERE I'M AFRAID FOR MY WIFE TO HEAR ME HAVE FUN.

I BE TRYING TO SHUT FUN DOWN.

LIKE WHEN SHE'S NOT AROUND, AND SHE CALLS ME,

I GET MAD AT MY FRIENDS.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! EVERYBODY SHUT UP!

"LOOK!

"PUT YOUR SEATBELTS ON. BUCKLE UP.

"PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON. I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS.

"LOOK SAFE.

[laughter]

"LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD UNTIL WE FIGURE THIS OUT.

SHE'S CRAZY."

[laughter]

THAT'S WHAT WOMEN DO.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW YOU CAN TELL A BATTERED MAN.

WANNA KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELL A MAN HAS BEEN

THROUGH SO MUCH EMOTIONALLY?

WHEN YOU SPEAK TO HIM-- WHENEVER YOU SPEAK TO A MAN,

AND HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP

WITHOUT YOU ASKING ANYTHING ABOUT IT,

THAT'S A BATTERED MAN.

AS SOON AS YOU MEET HIM, "HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?"

"MY WIFE AND I GO CAMPING EVERY WEEK."

"WHAT?"

"SHE LIKES CHEERIOS TOO."

WHAT ARE YOU --

[laughter]

HE'S BATTERED.

HE THINKS THAT YOU'RE ONE OF HER FRIENDS,

AND SHE SENT YOU TO COME TALK TO HIM.

HE THINKS IT'S A SETUP.

HE'S SO CRAZY, HE'S THINKING FIVE STEPS AHEAD OF YOU,

'CAUSE HE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WHAT.

[laughter]

I'M JUST BEING HONEST WITH Y'ALL.

I'M TELLING Y'ALL THINGS THAT REALLY GO ON.

TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE, FELLAS:

KNOW WHEN TO FIGHT YOUR WOMAN

AND WHEN NOT TO FIGHT YOUR WOMAN.

OKAY, WHENEVER YOU'RE IN A CAR,

DON'T FIGHT YOUR WOMAN.

NOT WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING.

REASON WHY IS BECAUSE YOUR FACE IS OPEN, OKAY?

[laughter]

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY DEFENSE.

I'M TELLING YOU GUYS FROM--

I'M TELLING YOU GUYS FROM-- FROM MY PAST.

I'M TELLING YOU ABOUT THINGS I WENT THROUGH, OKAY?

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

THIS IS WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT MY LADY WAS CRAZY.

WE WAS ON A HIGHWAY, AND SHE HIT ME.

FIRST OF ALL, ANYBODY THAT HITS YOU

WHEN YOU'RE ON THE EXPRESSWAY OF ANY KIND

DON'T CARE ABOUT THEY LIFE.

LET'S GET THAT OUT.

WE'RE ON THE HIGHWAY, WE'RE COMING FROM AN EVENT.

YOU KNOW, MY KID'S IN THE BACK SEAT.

AND WE ARGUING.

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

"YOU DON'T RESPECT ME AS A MAN.

"TILL YOU RESPECT ME AS A MAN, WE GONNA ALWAYS HAVE PROBLEMS.

"THAT'S WHY WE FIGHT SO MUCH.

"HONESTLY, I'M THINKING ABOUT PUTTING MY HANDS ON YOU.

"KEEP ON, AND I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.

'CAUSE YOU'RE STUPID, AND YOU ACT--"

[thudding]

[laughter]

OH, OH!

[laughter]

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO AFRAID FOR MY LIFE, DUDE.

SHE TRIED TO KILL ME!

I LOOKED IN THE BACK, MY DAUGHTER WAS LIKE...

[speaking gibberish]

[laughter]

DONE TURNED MY BABY AGAINST ME AND EVERYTHING.

YOU GOTTA KNOW.

YOU GOTTA KNOW YOUR WOMAN.

FELLAS, DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE A MAN, FELLAS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU GOIN' THROUGH IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE A MAN.

STOP BEING YES-MEN. NO WOMAN WANTS A YES-MAN.

DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER

BECAUSE YOU AGREE WITH YOUR WOMAN ALL THE TIME.

IT'S NOT GONNA MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER.

IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING YES ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME.

"HUH? YEAH.

[laughter]

"YEAH, YEAH, WHAT DO YOU NEED? YEAH, I'LL GET IT.

"YEAH. HUH? YEAH.

"YEAH, ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

"NO, NO, YEAH, I'LL GO NOW. YEAH, I'LL GET IT.

"WHAT DO YOU NEED?

"YEAH, ALL RIGHT. OKAY, YEAH, YEAH.

"I'LL PICK IT UP.

"YEAH. WHAT?

"NO, I JUST LEFT. YOU WANT ME TO GO BACK?

YEAH, I'LL GO BACK."

[laughter]

FAG, FUCKING GET SOME BALLS.

BE A MAN.

ARGUE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR.

YOU'RE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO ARGUE.

THAT'S WHAT MEN ARE THERE FOR.

WE ARGUE.

EVEN WHEN YOU WRONG, ARGUE.

I'VE BEEN CAUGHT RED-HANDED SEVERAL TIMES.

ARGUE.

YOU WANNA KNOW HOW YOU WIN EVERY SINGLE ARGUMENT?

BE LOUD. THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO.

WOMEN CAN'T HANDLE THAT.

WOMEN CAN'T HANDLE WHEN A MAN'S VOICE GETS PAST A CERTAIN LEVEL.

THEY BREAK DOWN. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I'VE BEEN CAUGHT.

JUST MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.

AND AFTER YOU SAY IT, WALK OUT.

YOU CAN'T STICK AROUND. YOU GOTTA--

[laughter]

IF YOU STICK AROUND, YOU GIVE THEM A CHANCE

TO COME BACK AND CONFUSE YOU.

SAY YOUR POINT, GET THE FUCK OUT THE ROOM.

GO!

[laughter]

"KEVIN, I SAW YOU!

"I SAW YOU, KEVIN! I SAW THE BITCH IN YOUR CAR!

"YOU GONNA TELL ME I DIDN'T SEE YOU?

I SAW THAT BITCH IN YOUR CAR!"

"MAN, SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN!

"EVERY TIME I COME IN THE HOUSE,

"YOU GOT THE MICROWAVE ON HIGH. FUCK YOU!"

WALK OUT. BAM.

[laughter]

BUT YOU CAN'T GIVE HER NO CHANCE.

SHE JUST GONNA BE STANDING THERE LIKE, "WHAT?"

[laughter]

"I THOUGHT HE LIKED IT WHEN I USED THE MICROWAVE.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM OR WHAT HE WANTS FROM ME ANYMORE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME, WE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT

OVER A GIRAFFE.

I SWEAR TO GOD, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT MONEY.

YOU KNOW, SHE WAS MAD AT ME.

SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY.

"I'M TIRED OF YOU GOING OUT TO THESE CLUBS,

"SPENDING ALL THIS MONEY ON ALL YOUR LITTLE GIRLS.

THAT MONEY NEEDS TO BE SPENT ON YOUR FAMILY."

I WAS LIKE, "SHUT UP, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY MONEY.

"IT'S MY MONEY.

IF I WANNA GO BUY A GIRAFFE, I'LL GO BUY A DAMN GIRAFFE."

I WAS TRYING TO BE A SMART ASS.

I'M BEING A SMART ASS, I'M THINKING IT'S OVER.

OUT OF NOWHERE, SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU AIN'T GONNA BUY

NO GIRAFFE IN THIS HOUSE."

THAT'S WHEN I LOST IT.

"UH, I BET I DO

"BUY A DAMN GIRAFFE IN THIS HOUSE!

"TELL ME I WON'T BUY NO DAMN GIRAFFE.

"I'LL GO ON WWW.GETAGIRAFFE.COM RIGHT NOW

"AND HAVE THAT GIRAFFE HERE TOMORROW.

"TEACH THAT GIRAFFE HOW TO HEAD BUTT THE FUCK OUT YOU.

TELL ME I WON'T GET NO GIRAFFE."

I TRIED TO GET ONE. YOU CAN'T GET THEM.

IT'S HARD TO GET A GIRAFFE.

[laughter] IT IS.

I SWEAR I WAS GONNA HAVE THAT GIRAFFE RIGHT OUTSIDE MY HOUSE,

JUST WALKING IT.

[laughter]

JUST WALKING MY GIRAFFE.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW THE MOVE THAT YOU CAN'T EVER FALL FOR?

"ALL I GOTTA DO." YOU EVER HEAR THAT SHIT?

"ALL I GOTTA DO IS..."

I FELL FOR THAT SHIT ONE TIME.

'CAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

"ALL I GOTTA DO IS CRIMP MY HAIR."

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A CRIMP IS.

"OH, THAT'S IT?" THAT'S WHAT WE JUST DO.

"OH, OKAY, YEAH, ALL RIGHT."

[laughter]

JUST A DUMB ASS MAN. "YEAH, COOL, ALL RIGHT."

BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FIVE DAMN DAYS.

"I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO CRIMP IT."

"THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!"

THEN THEY FLIP IT ON YOU.

YOU EVER HAVE A WOMAN FLIP IT ON YOU?

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WAS GONNA BE QUICK."

"WELL, I CAN'T DO IT IF YOU IN MY FACE!

LET ME DO IT!"

"ALL RIGHT, YEAH, ALL RIGHT, COOL.

LET'S GO OUT. I'LL LET YOU CRIMP IT, SORRY."

[laughter]

JUST TELLING YOU WHAT I KNOW.

THIS IS FROM EXPERIENCE.

BUT WOMEN, AT THE SAME TIME,

YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND YOUR MAN.

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE YOUR MAN ALONE.

MEN GIVE SIGNS JUST LIKE WOMEN GIVE SIGNS.

IF YOUR HUSBAND OR YOUR BOYFRIEND

DRIVES A MINIVAN, LEAVE HIM ALONE.

[laughter]

ANY MAN THAT DRIVES A MINIVAN DOES NOT CARE ABOUT LIFE.

HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK. HE DON'T.

EVERY TIME HE SLIDE THAT LONG-ASS DOOR CLOSED,

HE IS CURSING YOU THE FUCK OUT IN HIS MIND.

"STUPID-ASS BITCH GOT ME DRIVING A GOD DAMN AMBULANCE.

"SIT DOWN! SIT THE HELL DOWN!

"THOMAS, EAT ANOTHER BOOGER OFF THAT WINDSHIELD,

"I'LL KILL YOU.

I HATE MY LIFE."

[laughter]

I'LL TELL YOU THE REAL SIGN.

LIKE, IF YOU MAN WEARS SWEATPANTS WITH NO POCKETS,

THAT'S A SIGN.

ANY MAN THAT DOESN'T HAVE POCKETS DON'T CARE ABOUT LIFE.

YOU EVER GO A DAY WITHOUT POCKETS?

THINK ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT YOUR POCKETS ARE.

THAT MEANS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT CHANGE, RECEIPTS,

YOUR WALLET, YOU DON'T CARE.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

TRY TO GET A MAN THAT DON'T HAVE POCKETS TO WEAR POCKETS.

WATCH HOW MAD HE GET.

I TRIED TO GET MY DAD TO WEAR POCKETS ONE TIME.

WE WAS GOING TO CHURCH.

I WAS LIKE, "DAD, COME ON, MAN, WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH.

PUT SOME PANTS WITH POCKETS ON."

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK I NEED POCKETS FOR?

SHE TOOK EVERYTHING!"

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT.

YOU CAN USE MY POCKETS, DAD.

THIS NIGGA'S CRAZY, HE DONE LOST HIS GOD DAMN MIND,

HE'S GONNA SNAP ON ME ABOUT POCKETS.

[laughter]

YOU GOT THAT FAMILY REUNION LAUGH RIGHT THERE.

[laughs obnoxiously]

SOUNDS LIKE HE--LIKE HE'S GARGLING BEER RIGHT NOW.

[bellows deeply]

THAT'S HOW THEM THUG DUDES BE.

YOU EVER SEE A THUG DUDE WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO LAUGH?

THEY'RE LIKE, "HUH-HUH-HUH."

[laughter]

"CUZ, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

"I AND TRYIN' TO LAUGH, THAT SHIT IS STUPID.

HEY."

[laughter]

THEY JUST BE TRYING TO COVER UP THEIR LAUGHS REAL QUICK.

"GO AHEAD, NIGGA, AIN'T NOBODY COME HERE LAUGH--

[mumbles indistinctly]

[laughter]

"NOT THAT FUNNY, CUZ. NOT THAT FUNNY.

TRYIN' TO KILL YOU, NIGGA. KILL YOU."

[laughter]

I TALK ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I LIKE MINE THE WAY IT IS.

I DO. I LIKE DRAMA.

I'M ATTRACTED TO DRAMA.

LIKE, IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP, DRAMA'S GOOD.

I COULDN'T DEAL WITH NO HAPPY WOMAN.

COULD YOU DEAL WITH HER IF SHE WAS HAPPY ALL THE TIME?

EVERY TIME YOU COME HOME, SHE'S GOT SOME HAPPY SHIT TO SAY?

THINK ABOUT IT.

AS SOON AS YOU WALK IN THE DOOR, SHE'S JUST HAPPY.

SOON AS YOU COME HOME, "OH, MY GOD, WHO'S HOME?

YOU ARE, YOU ARE!"

[laughter]

"TICKLE, TICKLE! TICKLE, TICKLE!"

"SIT YOUR STUPID ASS DOWN.

[laughter]

"I GOT FIRED TODAY, YOU WANNA TICKLE SOME-GODDAMN-BODY.

SIT DOWN! STUPID ASS."

[laughter]

NOBODY WANNA DEAL WITH THAT SHIT.

DRAMA. TRYIN' TO STAB ME.

[laughter]

EVER HAVE ONE PULL A KNIFE OUT ON YOU?

THAT'S SOME SEXY SHIT RIGHT THERE.

"BITCH, PUT THE-- HEY, I'M NOT PLAYIN', NOW.

"PUT THE FUCKING KNIFE-- DO YOU THINK--

"HEY, DO IT AGAIN--

"OH! YOU GOT ME.

"YEAH, THAT TIME, YOU REALLY GOT THERE.

WE SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL."

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

I DON'T LIKE THE WHOLE DATING GAME, THOUGH.

THAT'S WHY I ACCEPT MY SITUATION.

I SEE A BUNCH OF COUPLES HERE NOW,

LIKE, Y'ALL JUST DATING.

I DON'T LIKE DATING.

YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T LIKE DATING?

I TRY TO IMPRESS WOMEN TOO MUCH, THAT'S MY PROBLEM.

I WENT OUT, BOUGHT THIS BIG ASS TRUCK,

JUST TO TRY AND IMPRESS WOMEN.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT EVERYBODY LOOKS TALL IN A TRUCK, THOUGH.

LIKE, YOU DON'T NOTICE SOMEBODY'S SMALL

UNTIL THEY GET OUT OF THE TRUCK.

I HAD TO FIND OUT THE HARD WAY BECAUSE I LIKE TO FLIRT.

I'M AT THE STOP LIGHT, I SAW THIS GIRL,

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN, BABY, YOU LOOK GOOD.

WHY DON'T YOU PULL OVER AND LET ME TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?"

SHE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, HE KINDA CUTE."

HER AND HER GIRLFRIEND HIGH-FIVE.

THEY WAS HAPPY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "GET OUT, COME TALK TO ME."

AND I CAN'T GET OUT MY TRUCK, RIGHT?

I GOTTA JUMP OUT.

[laughter]

BUT WHEN I JUMPED OUT, I DIDN'T HAVE A GOOD LANDING.

I STUMBLED A LITTLE BIT.

ALL I HEARD WAS "OH, MY GOD, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY KNEES."

AND THEY JUST--

[laughter]

THEY JUST PULLED-- THEY PULLED OFF.

I SAID "AIN'T THIS A BITCH? I GOT KNEES."

IT WAS A BAD JUMP, 'CAUSE WHEN I LANDED,

I TWISTED MY ANKLE, MY HEAD HIT THE WINDSHIELD.

I WAS TRYING TO PULL MYSELF UP.

I CAN ADMIT THAT IT LOOKED A LITTLE RETARDED.

BUT TO YELL OUT THAT I DON'T HAVE KNEES IS SELFISH.

HOW DID I GET OUT THE TRUCK? I DIDN'T ROLL OUT THE BITCH.

THAT'S WHY I HAD AN ATTITUDE.

[laughter]

I HAD ONE GIRL THAT HAD ONE OF THOSE LAUGHS

THAT MAKE YOU STOP LAUGHING.

[laughter]

YOU EVER MEET SOMEBODY LIKE THAT?

WITH A LAUGH THAT'S SO BAD

THAT YOU GOTTA STOP HAVING A GOOD TIME?

'CAUSE IT WASN'T A LAUGH, IT WAS A SNICKER/SNOUT.

SHE DID IT AT EVERYTHING. STUFF THAT WASN'T EVEN FUNNY.

LIKE, WE WAS GOING TO THE MOVIES.

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, BABE, THERE'S A LONG LINE,

I'M GONNA GO PARK THE CAR, WHY DON'T YOU GO WAIT IN LINE?"

SHE'S ALL, "ALL RIGHT, I DON'T MIND."

[snorts rapidly]

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS AT FIRST

SO I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING.

I STILL HAD THE CAR ON.

I WAS LIKE, "THE CAR SHOULDN'T SOUND LIKE THIS,

"'CAUSE IT'S A NEW CAR.

"I JUST GOT THIS CAR.

I BETTER NOT HAVE NO DAMN PROBLEMS WITH THIS CAR."

I WAS LIKE "HEY, LOOK, WHEN YOU GET OUT OF LINE,

GO GET SOME POPCORN WITH A LOT OF BUTTER."

SHE SAID, "OH, MY GOD, I LOVE BUTTER."

[snorts rapidly]

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, THAT WAS YOU THAT TIME.

"I SAW IT, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I MADE EYE CONTACT.

"I DON'T LIKE THAT.

"THAT IS NASTY, 'CAUSE IT SOUNDS

LIKE YOU'RE SWALLOWING SNOT OR SOMETHING."

BUT THEN IT DAWNED ON ME WHERE SHE GOT IT FROM,

'CAUSE I MET HER DAD EARLIER THAT DAY.

HER DAD HAD ONE OF THOSE LAUGHS--

I CALL IT THE RICH WHITE GUY LAUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S A LAUGH THAT'S FOLLOWED BY AN AWFUL JOKE.

THE JOKE DOESN'T MAKE YOU LAUGH,

BUT THE LAUGH EVENTUALLY MAKES YOU LAUGH.

WHEN HE FOUND OUT THAT I WAS A COMEDIAN,

HE KEPT TRYING TO TELL ME JOKES.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, SO UH--

"SO YOU'RE A COMIC, RIGHT?

"OKAY.

"UM-- [laughter]

"UH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

"ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

"I GOT A, UM-- I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU.

"YOU CAN KEEP IT IF YOU WANT, I DON'T MIND.

[laughter]

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOU READY?

"ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

"ALL RIGHT, THIS IS CRAZY. IT'S SO GOOD.

"ALL RIGHT, SO I'M AT THE OFFICE,

"I'M AT THE OFFICE, I TELL THIS GUY,

"I SAID TO HIM-- WHAT DID I--

"WAIT, WHAT DID I SAY?

"WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

[laughter]

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT, OKAY.

"SO I'M AT THE OFFICE, RIGHT? I'M AT THE OFFICE.

"AND, UH, I TELL THIS GUY, I SAID TO HIM,

"I SAID 'HEY, UH, PASS ME THE STAPLER,

"BUT WHEN YOU PASS IT, MAKE SURE STAPLES ARE IN IT,

BECAUSE IF IT ISN'T, I CAN'T STAPLE ANYTHING."

[laughter]

[laughs obnoxiously]

[laughter]

I DIDN'T WANT TO LAUGH,

BUT HE KEPT LOOKING RIGHT AT ME WHILE HE WAS DOING IT.

[laughs obnoxiously]

[laughter]

HERE'S THE WEIRD THING.

LIKE, YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE CLAP WHEN THEY LAUGH?

LIKE "AHH." YOU KNOW THAT?

HE HAD A CLAP THAT HE WOULD DO WITH HIS LAUGH,

BUT I NEVER KNEW WHEN IT WAS COMING.

I COULDN'T TIME IT.

LIKE, YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES YOU CAN TIME A CLAP?

I DIDN'T KNOW WHEN THE CLAP WAS COMING,

SO IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO PARTICIPATE

AND CLAP WITH HIM, BECAUSE IT TOOK TOO LONG.

BUT HE WAS STILL LOOKING AT ME THE WHOLE TIME.

HE'S LIKE...

[laughs obnoxiously]

[laughter]

[laughter]

THAT WAS, LIKE, 57 SECONDS RIGHT THERE.

I CAN'T WAIT 57 SECONDS.

THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

I HAD THIS ONE TALL GIRL.

I DIDN'T EVEN CARE THAT SHE WAS TALL.

BUT SHE WAS TALL AS SHIT. SHE WAS A MODEL.

I DIDN'T EVEN CARE, BECAUSE SHE MADE ME LAUGH.

WHEN YOU MAKE ME LAUGH, THAT'S A BONUS,

'CAUSE IT'S MY JOB TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

SO WHEN YOU MAKE ME LAUGH, IT'S A TURN ON.

ONE DAY, SHE TRIED TO MESS WITH ME MENTALLY.

WE IN THE SUPERMARKET, RIGHT? I'M GOING TO GET SOME MILK.

NOW, NORMALLY, THEY PUT MY MILK ON THE MIDDLE ROW.

[laughter]

FOR SOME REASON, THIS DAY, IT WAS ON THE TOP ROW.

AND, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU CAN'T REACH SOMETHING,

HOW YOU START STRETCHING FOR IT, LIKE, "AH."

BECAUSE I DON'T GET IT, I WAS LIKE...

[groans]

SHE WAS LIKE, "BABE, DON'T STRETCH YOURSELF.

LET ME GRAB IT FOR YOU."

AND I TURNED AROUND,

THERE WAS A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN THE AISLE

LOOKING AT HER ABOUT TO GRAB MY MILK.

SO I GOT MAD AND I PUNCHED HER IN THE RIB.

I WAS LIKE, "BITCH, DON'T BE TRYING TO PLAY ME

IN FRONT OF THEM PEOPLE."

SHE WAS LIKE, "I AIN'T TRYIN' TO PLAY YOU."

I WAS LIKE, "YOU ARE TRYING TO PLAY ME.

"IF YOU WANT TO HELP ME,

"PICK ME UP AND LET ME GRAB IT.

THAT'S HOW YOU HELP." [laughter]

SHE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

'CAUSE I'M A THUG. I'M A THUG FIRST.

[laughter]

ARE YOU GUYS DOUBLE DATING?

IT LOOKS LIKE A DOUBLE DATE RIGHT HERE.

KINDA?

THAT'S GOOD.

I WOULD SAY DON'T DO IT NO MORE THOUGH.

DON'T EVER DOUBLE DATE.

YOU KNOW WHY YOU SHOULDN'T DOUBLE DATE?

'CAUSE YOU COMPETE WITH THE OTHER COUPLE.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU COMPETING.

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU COMPETE.

I'LL SHOW YOU RIGHT NOW.

IF I'M WRONG, TELL ME I'M WRONG.

LET'S SAY YOU LEAN OVER, YOU GIVE YOUR GIRL A KISS.

REAL INNOCENT. "MWAH, LOVE YOU, BABE."

FIRST THING SHE GONNA DO IS LOOK AT HIM.

SHE'S LIKE, "MM, MUST BE NICE."

[laughter]

NOW YOU'RE COMPETING.

NOW, THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN WIN

IS TO SUCK HER TITTY RIGHT HERE.

YOU GOTTA DO IT.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY.

YOU GOTTA PULL YOUR TITTY OUT RIGHT NOW.

[sucking sounds] THAT'S IT.

[laughter]

BUT WOMEN, Y'ALL DISCUSS PERSONAL BUSINESS,

AND THAT PERSONAL STUFF COME OUT.

IT COME OUT, LIKE, WHEN Y'ALL--

WHEN Y'ALL ARGUING.

Y'ALL ALL AT DINNER ONE NIGHT,

AND YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

THEN ONE DAY YOU GET MAD.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHELLE?

"I HATE YOU, MICHELLE.

"YOU COME OUT ALL THE TIME, YOU GET DRUNK,

YOU MESS UP THE WHOLE NIGHT."

YOU BE LIKE, "WHATEVER, FUCK YOU, TARIQ.

AT LEAST I DON'T EAT ASS."

YOU BE LIKE, "WHAT?

WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"OH, YOU DON'T EAT ASS?

ERICA, HE DON'T EAT ASS."

[laughter]

NOW YOU GOTTA PUT HER ON THE SPOT.

"YOU TOLD HIM I EAT ASS?"

"EVERYBODY WAS TALKING.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT WOULD COME OUT LIKE THIS."

NOW YOU GOTTA SIT THERE WITH THE "YOU ATE ASS" FACE.

[laughter]

THAT'S THE "YOU JUST ATE ASS" FACE.

[laughter]

CONVERSATION'S BEEN OVER, BUT SHE'S STILL MAD.

"FIRST OF ALL, ALL THE TIMES I ATE YOUR ASS

"WAS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

"LET'S GET THAT OUT THE WAY.

"NO, NO, NO, YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

"I DIDN'T GET YOU SHIT, YOU SAID EAT YOUR ASS.

"I WAS LIKE, 'COOL,' SO I ATE YOUR ASS.

"DON'T MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I'M OUT HERE

"JUST EATING YOUR ASS EVERY DAY.

"SITTIN' HERE PUSHING MY DRINK TO THE SIDE,

"LIKE I GOT THE SHIT MOUTH.

"FUCK Y'ALL, MAN!

"I BET THERE WON'T BE NO MORE ASS EATING UP IN HERE.

"I BET THAT. I BET--

[laughter]

THAT'S YOUR LAST ASS-EATING INCIDENT."

[laughter]

NOTHING FUNNIER THAN PEOPLE'S PERSONAL PROBLEMS

COMING OUT IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING EVER TO ME,

WHEN PEOPLE'S PERSONAL PROBLEMS

GET BROUGHT TO LIGHT IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS GOTTA ACT LIKE YOU AIN'T HEAR IT.

[laughter]

YOU EVER HEAR ANOTHER COUPLE ARGUE,

LIKE, YOU HEAR SOME WEIRD SHIT?

YOU NEVER HEARD SOME WEIRD SHIT?

"WHATEVER, BITCH, YOU THE ONE WITH THE DILDOS

ALL UP THERE IN THE HOUSE!"

[laughter]

YOU BE AT THE DINNER TABLE, LIKE...

[laughter]

YOU TRY TO WHISPER IT TO YOUR LADY.

[high-pitched voice] "SHE GOT DILDOS IN THE HOUSE?

[laughter]

"THIS BITCH IS CRAZY.

SHE GOT DILDOS ALL UP IN THE HOUSE."

[laughter]

I THINK THAT'S THE FUNNIEST STUFF IN THE WORLD, MAN,

OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS.

THERE'S NOTHING FUNNIER THAN OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS.

OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS.

I REMEMBER ME AND MY BOY GOT INTO IT ONE DAY,

BECAUSE I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T THINK HIS BABY

WAS WHERE SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MENTALLY.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM.

[laughter]

I DID. I TOLD HIM THAT.

I SAID "I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE A DUMB BABY.

"IT'S A CHANCE...

[laughter]

THAT YOUR BABY MIGHT BE DUMB."

BUT I FELT LIKE, ME, AS YOUR FRIEND,

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL YOU THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, "I'M YOUR FRIEND, SO MY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

SHOULD BE GOOD CRITICISM TO YOU."

BUT HE GOT MAD.

HE'S LIKE, "WHATEVER, MY BABY'S SMARTER THAN YOURS."

I WAS LIKE, "BET MONEY." HE WAS LIKE, "BET?"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT YOU WANNA DO?"

HE WAS LIKE, "LET'S SIT THEM IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE FLOOR AND SEE WHICH BABY

CAN HOLD THEIR HEAD UP THE LONGEST."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT."

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, MY BABY GOT A PROBLEM, RIGHT?

BUT I CAN'T BACK DOWN. I WAS LIKE, "BET, BITCH."

SO WE PUT OUR BABIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR.

AND THEY WAS GOING AT IT.

[laughter]

MY WAS SON WAS LIKE...

[babbles]

AND HIS BABY WAS LOOKING AT MY SON,

SO HIS BABY GOT DIZZY AND FELL.

I WAS LIKE, "LOOK AT THAT DUMB-ASS BABY."

I DIDN'T KICK HIS BABY,

I JUST MOVED HIS BABY AWAY FROM MY BABY.

I DIDN'T WANT THAT DUMB STUFF TO WEAR OFF.

[laughter]

HEY, Y'ALL HAVE BEEN A GREAT CROWD, MAN.

MY NAME IS KEVIN HART.

THANK YOU ALL. I APPRECIATE IT.

LOVE IT. I SHOULD SEE--

[cheers and applause]

HEY, SEE IF I CAN GET MY BABIES.

SEE IF MY BABIES ARE UP BEFORE I GO.

I'M GONNA SHOW Y'ALL MY BABIES BEFORE I GO.

[applause]

JUST ACT LIKE I LEFT ALREADY.

I JUST WANT Y'ALL TO SEE MY KIDS.

SEE IF MY SON COME OUT HERE SHAKING HIS HEAD.

[laughter]

I'M GONNA SEE. DON'T MOVE.

Y'ALL STAY RIGHT HERE FOR A SECOND.

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

[crowd awws]

[applause]

[cheers and applause]

LOOK HOW NOSEY MY SON IS. LOOK AT HIM.

NO SMILE OR NOTHIN'.

HE ANGRY. JUST LOOK AT HIM.

SMILE, MAN.

JUST SMILE ONE TIME.

STOP-- COME ON, NOW!

[laughter]

DO THE THING DADDY TOLD YOU TO DO NOW.

YEAH, OKAY, THAT'S COOL.

[cheers and applause] THAT'S CLOSE.

HEAVEN, SAY HI.

TURN AROUND. LET THEM SEE YOUR FACE.

STOP.

[laughter]

SAY HI. THERE GO THE MICROPHONE.

JUST SAY HI.

SAY HI. - NO.

[laughter]

ANYWAY, THIS IS JUST SO Y'ALL CAN SEE

THAT WHAT I TELL IS THE TRUTH.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THE LOVE AND SUPPORT.

AND CONTINUE, Y'ALL.

IT'S REALLY GOING GOOD FOR ME RIGHT--

IT'S REALLY GOING GOOD FOR ME RIGHT NOW.

AND I REALLY, GENUINELY APPRECIATE THE SUPPORT.

ONCE AGAIN, MY NAME'S KEVIN HART.

I LOVE Y'ALL. TAKE IT EASY.

[cheers and applause]

[groovy electronic music]

♪ ♪