All language subtitles for Kevin Hart Im a Grown Little Man.WEBRip.Netflix

♪ ♪

YEA!

YEA!

YEA, STOP!

STOP!

STOP!

SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN.

PUT THE MICROPHONE
STAND DOWN.

I AIN'T GOTTA BE
LOOKING SMALL OUT HERE.

DON'T NOBODY
KNOW THE TRUTH.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOIN'?

GOOD?
EVERYBODY GOOD?

I LIKE THAT.
IN GOOD MOODS.

I LIKE THAT.
Y'ALL LOOK GOOD.

IF YOU'RE NOT GOOD,
YOU LOOK GOOD.

A LOT OF SHIT IS GOING ON
IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

JUST HAD ANOTHER BABY.
I GOT TWO BABIES NOW.

JUST HAD A SON.

[cheers and applause]

NOT TOO LONG AGO, YEP.

THEY BOTH MINE.

I CAN'T SAY
SHIT ABOUT IT, EITHER.

THEY BOTH MINE.

TWO KIDS.
TWO CAR SEATS.

THAT'S DEPRESSING
RIGHT THERE.

YOU EVER TRY TO TALK TO A GIRL
WITH CAR SEATS IN YOUR CAR?

WON'T HAPPEN.
IT'S DEPRESSING, MAN.

"COME HERE, BABY, LET ME TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND."

"NUH-UH,
WHAT'S THAT IN THE BACK?"

"BITCH, LOOK AT ME.

"DON'T FOCUS
ON THE NEGATIVE.

"JUST LOOK
AT THE POSITIVE NOW.

I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SOME SERIOUS STUFF NOW."

KIDS, MAN.
KIDS CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

MAKE YOU REALIZE
HOW THINGS ARE DIFFERENT.

I KNOW I'M GETTING OLDER NOW
BECAUSE OF MY KIDS.

I'M STARTING
TO FUSS A LOT.

THE OLDER YOU GET,
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU JUST WAKE UP ANGRY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
I BE MAD AT.

YOU JUST WAKE UP MAD.

WHEN YOU GOT MORE THAN ONE KID,
YOU JUST WAKE UP ANGRY.

"HEY, WHO GOT THE, UH, THING
WITH THE SHIT IN THE--

"ALL RIGHT, NOW.
ALL RIGHT, HEY!

HEADS IN BEDS, RIGHT NOW!"

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.

"HEADS IN BEDS!"
THAT'S MY SHIT.

[laughter]

MY SON--I JUST YELL
AT MY SON.

'CAUSE HE NINE MONTHS,
YOU KNOW, HE'S A MAN NOW.

SO I YELL AT HIM
JUST BECAUSE.

[laughter]
I GET MAD--

"HOLD YOUR HEAD STILL, BOY!"

[laughter]

ALL DAY.

THAT SHIT
IS SO DAMN EMBARRASSING.

THAT SHIT PISS ME OFF, MAN.

YOU KNOW HOW STUPID
THAT MAKE YOU LOOK

WHEN COMPANY COME OVER?

YOUR BABY JUST...

"WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOUR BABY?"

"I DON'T KNOW.
PUT HIM ON HIS STOMACH."

HE STILL BE TRYING.

[laughter]

IT'S MY DAMN KID, THOUGH.

I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT YOU CAN GET MAD AT KIDS

TO THE POINT
WHERE YOU WANNA FIGHT.

YOU GONNA WANT
TO FIGHT A KID, MAN.

KIDS ARE ASSHOLES.

LIKE, MY DAUGHTER
IS AN ASSHOLE.

[laughter]

SHE IS.
LIKE, WE ARGUE.

ME AND MY DAUGHTER
HONESTLY ARGUE.

SHE CAN'T EVEN TALK.
SHE KNOW A COUPLE WORDS, RIGHT?

SHE CAN PUT
A COUPLE SENTENCES TOGETHER.

BUT IT'S LIKE EVERY TIME
I TELL HER SOMETHING,

SHE ALWAYS GOT SOMETHING
TO SAY BACK.

IT DON'T MATTER
WHAT I SAY,

SHE ALWAYS GOTTA
GIVE ME SOMETHING BACK.

AND IT MAKE ME MAD.

WE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT
OVER JUICE THE OTHER DAY.

SHE CAME INTO THE ROOM,

SHE WAS LIKE,
"DADDY, JUICE."

I SAID "NO, YOU HAD ENOUGH
JUICE, GO GET SOME WATER."

AND SHE LOOKED AT ME.

SHE WAS LIKE,
"DOO-MAH-GA-MAH,

DOO-MAH-GAN-GAN."

[laughter]

[speaks gibberish]

"JUICE."

AND I LOOKED AT HER,
I WAS LIKE,

"WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK
YOU TALKING TO?

[laughter and applause]

SIT YOUR LITTLE ASS DOWN
AND GET THE GODDAMN--"

I WAS SO MAD.

I WAS MAD BECAUSE I KNEW SHE
KNEW WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO SAY.

SHE JUST DIDN'T KNOW
HOW TO SAY IT.

[laughter]

LIKE, IN HER MIND, SHE WAS LIKE,
"YOU BLACK MIDGET BITCH,

"GET THE JUICE.

PUNK ASS DADDY."

I KNEW THAT'S WHAT
SHE WAS SAYING.

I COULD TELL
BY HER HAND MOVEMENTS.

[speaks gibberish]

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU BLACK
MIDGET BITCH, GET THE--"

I WAS SO MAD.

I WANTED TO PUNCH HER
RIGHT IN THE THROAT.

[laughter]

IT'S MY DAMN BABY, THOUGH.

IT'S MY DAUGHTER, MAN.

I'M SO PROTECTIVE OF MY KIDS,
THOUGH, I REALLY AM.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE TAKING
MY KIDS OUT THAT MUCH NO MORE.

I GET IN ARGUMENTS
WITH THE OTHER KIDS.

I THINK KIDS
PLAY TOO ROUGH.

I DO.

ME AND THE BOY
GOT INTO IT AT CHUCK E. CHEESE.

IT WASN'T A FIGHT,
IT WAS AN ALTERCATION.

WE GOT
INTO A LITTLE ALTERCATION,

BECAUSE MY BABY
WAS IN THE BALLS,

HE WAS THROWING THE BALLS
AT MY DAUGHTER'S HEAD.

THROWIN' THE BALLS, HITTING
MY DAUGHTER RIGHT IN THE HEAD.

POW.

MY DAUGHTER'S SO DAMN STUPID,
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS A GAME.

SHE PLAYING.

[laughter]

SHE'S LIKE,
"DADDY, LOOK!"

SO I'M GETTING MAD,
I'M LIKE, "THROW A BALL BACK!"

I'M PISSED OFF.

I LOOK AT MY SON,
HE JUST LOOKING AT THE SHIT.

[laughter]

I WAS MAD AT THE WAY
MY FAMILY LOOKED AS A UNIT.

LIKE, WE DIDN'T--

[laughter]

WE DIDN'T LOOK GOOD
AS A UNIT, MAN.

MY DAUGHTER, SHE TAKING
BALLS TO THE FACE.

MY SON'S SHAKING
HIS HEAD AND SLOBBERING.

I'M SMALL.

WE LOOK LIKE
A FUCKING CIRCUS ACT.

I WAS SO PISSED OFF.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO MAD
AT MY WIFE IN MY LIFE.

I WAS LIKE, "WHY WOULD YOU DRESS
US IN DIFFERENT COLORS?

"WE LOOK LIKE CLOWNS.

"FROM NOW ON, SOLID COLORS
WHEN WE GO OUT.

WE LOOK LIKE A TEAM.
SOLID COLORS."

[laughter]

MY DAMN KIDS, THOUGH, MAN.

YOU GOTTA ACCEPT YOUR--
ACCEPT WHAT YOU HAVE.

ACCEPT THE LIFE
THAT YOU CHOSE.

I DON'T MIND THE PRESSURE
THAT COMES WITH KIDS, THOUGH.

I COULD TAKE THAT PRESSURE.

I DON'T LIKE THE PRESSURE
THAT WOMEN PUT ON MEN.

I THINK WOMEN PUT WAY
TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON MEN.

THEY DO, Y'ALL DON'T EVEN
REALIZE HOW MUCH PRESSURE

YOU PUT ON MEN.

IS THAT YOUR LADY
RIGHT THERE, MAN?

HOW LONG Y'ALL BEEN TOGETHER?

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
WHEN I SAY "PRESSURE."

THAT SHE EXPECTS
A LOT FROM YOU.

SHE WANTS YOU TO--

TO PROVIDE FOR HER,
AND PROTECT HER.

WHETHER YOU REALIZE
IT OR NOT, SHE DO.

LIKE, RIGHT NOW,
IF A FIRE BREAK OUT.

A BIG ASS FIRE,
POOF, GO UP IN FLAMES,

FIRST THING SHE GONNA DO
IS LOOK AT YOU.

[laughter]

[groaning]

AND YOU GOTTA COME UP
WITH A PLAN IN HER MIND.

"BABY, GET ON MY BACK,
I'M GONNA BUST US OUT OF HERE."

SHE WANNA HEAR SOMETHING
STUPID LIKE THAT.

"BITCH, YOU BETTER STOP,
DROP AND ROLL

"AND FIND THAT EXIT.

I'M SCARED TOO."

BUT THAT'S
WHAT WOMEN WANT.

WOMEN LIKE THAT SECURITY.

I'M A GREAT PROVIDER.

I GOT MONEY, I CAN PAY
FOR STUFF, I DON'T MIND THAT.

I'M NOT A PROTECTOR.

THAT'S WHERE I'M, LIKE,
NOT THAT GUY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, WOMEN, YOU WANT EVERY GUY
TO FIGHT FOR YOU.

THAT'S NOT ME.
I'M NOT A FIGHTER.

I WON'T SAY THAT I AM,
I WILL NEVER PRETEND TO BE.

THAT'S NOT WHO I AM.

PRIME EXAMPLE, LET'S SAY ME
AND YOU GO TO THE MOVIES, RIGHT?

WE AT THE MOVIES,
WE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

OUT OF NOWHERE,
SOME GUY COME UP

AND SMACK YOU
IN THE FACE REAL HARD.

AND IF YOU WITH ME,
THEN YOU JUST GOT SMACKED.

THAT'S SOMETHING THAT JUST--

[laughter]

I'M BEING HONEST, ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT GONNA
DO NOTHIN' ABOUT IT.

NOW, WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT
WHEN WE GET IN THE CAR.

LET'S FIGURE OUT
WHY IT HAPPENED,

AND SEE WHAT WE CAN DO

TO PREVENT IT
FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.

BUT AS FAR AS ME JUST GOING
AND DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT,

I'M NOT GONNA FUCKING DO IT.

BECAUSE IF HE DIDN'T CARE
ABOUT YOUR FACE,

I KNOW HE DON'T
GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MINE.

THAT'S COMMON SENSE.

TWO BLACK EYES
AIN'T GONNA GET US HOME.

SOMEBODY GOT TO DRIVE.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT.

I'M A WITNESS.
I SAW EVERYTHING.

"WHEN HE HIT YOU, I GOT BEHIND
THE VENDING MACHINE,

"'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT HIM
TO KNOW THAT WE WERE TOGETHER.

"IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS
WHO I'M WITH.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE KICKED YOU WHEN YOU FELL.

"THAT'S--THAT'S WHERE
I GOT UPSET.

"'CAUSE YOU GAVE UP!

"YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO FIGHT NO MORE.

"WHY WOULD HE PUT
HIS BOOT TO YOUR FACE?

"THAT'S JUST
DISGUSTING TO ME.

HE SHOULD BE SHOT."

SEE, TOO MANY PEOPLE
GET KNOCKED OUT.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE
TO FIGHT, MAN.

YOU EVER SEE SOMEBODY
GET KNOCKED OUT, MAN?

LIKE, KNOCKED OUT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
IN PERSON.

LIKE, YOU WITNESSED SOMEBODY
GET KNOCKED THE HELL OUT.

IT CHANGES YOUR OPINION
ON FIGHTING, DOESN'T IT?

WHEN YOU SEE
SOMEBODY GET KNOCKED OUT,

YOU DON'T WANT
TO FIGHT NO MORE.

LIKE, "DAMN, THAT SHIT LOOKED
LIKE IT HURT.

I DON'T KNOW
IF I WANNA--"

I SAW SOMEBODY
GET KNOCKED OUT.

ME AND MY BOY,
WE AT A CLUB, RIGHT?

WE HAVING A GOOD TIME,
WE PARTYING.

MM-MM.
GET MONEY.

MM-MM.
GET MONEY.

WE HAVIN' A GOOD TIME, RIGHT?

OUT OF NOWHERE--
THAT'S HOW WE PARTY,

'CAUSE WE BOTH SMALL.

I DON'T HANG
WITH TALL PEOPLE.

IT WAS JUST US.
MM-MM, RIGHT?

SO OUT OF NOWHERE,
HE GET INTO AN ARGUMENT

WITH THIS GUY
AT THE BAR.

THE GUY AT THE BAR GOT MAD,

PUNCHED MY BOY
IN THE FACE.

POW.

AS SOON AS HE HIT HIM,
MY FRIEND FELL ASLEEP.

[snores]

[laughter]

NOW, WHEN HE WOKE UP,
HE GOT MAD AT ME.

HE WAS LIKE, "KEV, HOW COME
YOU AIN'T GET HIM?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT,
THAT'S SOME SELFISH SHIT.

"BECAUSE I JUST SAW
WHAT HE WAS CAPABLE OF.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"LIKE, HE--HE MADE YOU
GO TO SLEEP.

"I'M NOT TIRED.
I'M WIDE AWAKE.

[laughter]

"I TOOK A NAP.

"WHY WOULD I WALK RIGHT
INTO THAT ASS-WHOOPING?

"THAT'S STUPID.

"IF HE HIT ME,
AND I GO TO SLEEP,

"WHO GONNA WAKE WHO UP?

YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYIN'?"

I DON'T WANT THAT PROBLEM.

AIN'T NOBODY TRYIN'
TO FALL ASLEEP AT A BAR.

THAT'S HOW YOU GET RAPED.
EVERYBODY KNOWS--

[laughter]

THE PERCENTAGES
OF RAPES HAPPEN

WHEN PEOPLE FALL ASLEEP
AT A BAR, I PROMISE YOU.

HE WAS TELLING ME
ALL THE STUFF THAT I KNOW.

I SAW MY UNCLE
GET KNOCKED OUT ONE TIME.

THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
THE FUNNIEST SHIT

I'VE EVER SEEN
IN MY LIFE.

WE WAS AT
A FAMILY REUNION.

FIRST OF ALL,
A FAMILY REUNION IS A PICNIC.

IT'S KIDS AND SHIT AROUND,
IT'S A TIME FOR FUN.

MY UNCLE GOT DRUNK,
HE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT

WITH THIS GUY
OVER PICNIC SPACE.

LIKE, "HEY, MAN,
YOU AND YOUR KIDS,

"Y'ALL NOT NO HARTS.

Y'ALL NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT
OF THIS PICNIC SPACE."

AND THE GUY WAS--
YOU KNOW, THE GUY WAS LIKE,

"LOOK, I DON'T MIND MOVING,

BUT DON'T CURSE AT ME
IN FRONT OF MY KIDS."

SO MY UNCLE WAS DRUNK,
HE WENT TO CURSE AGAIN.

BUT BEFORE HE GOT IT OUT,
THE GUY HIT HIM.

YOU EVER SEE SOMEBODY
GET HIT SO HARD,

THEY TRY TO GRAB EVERYTHING
ON THE WAY DOWN?

[laughter]

IT HAPPENED SO FAST,
HE WAS LIKE--

MY UNCLE WAS LIKE,
"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

FUCK Y--"

[laughter]

THE SHIT THAT MADE ME LAUGH
IS THAT HE WAS LOOKING

AT HIM
THE WHOLE WAY DOWN.

[laughter]

I WAS LIKE,
"JUST GO DOWN.

"FALL!
SHIT, MAN!

YOU'RE MESSING UP THE PICNIC."

CHANGE CAME OUT
OF HIS POCKET.

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN SOMEBODY
GET HIT SO HARD

THAT CHANGE
COME OUT THEY JEANS

WHEN THEY STANDIN' UP.

YOU KNOW HOW HARD
A NIGGA GOTTA HIT YOU

FOR LOOSE CHANGE
TO COME OUT YOUR JEANS?

AS SOON AS HE GOT HIT,
35 CENTS FLEW OUT HIS POCKET.

[laughter]

I SAID "GODDAMN.

YOU JUST KNOCKED 35 CENTS OUT
OF UNCLE RICHARD JR.'S POCKET."

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOBODY
GET HIT THAT HARD.

THESE ARE THINGS
THAT I'VE SEEN.

I'VE WITNESSED THIS, MAN.

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHO YOU ARE
AS AN INDIVIDUAL.

IF YOU'RE NOT A FIGHTER,

UNDERSTAND THAT
YOU'RE NOT A FIGHTER.

I KNOW I'M NOT A FIGHTER.
THAT'S WHY I CARRY A WHISTLE.

I'LL BLOW THE SHIT OUT OF A
WHISTLE IN SOMEBODY'S FACE.

"FUCK WITH ME
IF YOU WANT TO.

"YOU GONNA WIN THE FIGHT,

"BUT YOU AIN'T GONNA
HEAR SHIT TOMORROW, BITCH.

[whistles]

PUT THAT WHISTLE
IN YOUR FACE, BITCH."

IT'S KINDA HARD
TO FIGHT A WHISTLE.

[laughter]

GOTTA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT,
WHAT YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT.

I'M A GOOD ARGUER.
I CAN ARGUE.

BUT I ALSO--YOU ALSO GOTTA KNOW
HOW TO GET OUT OF THINGS

WHEN YOU ARGUE.

YOU EVER ARGUE
WITH SOMEBODY,

AND THEN THEY GET UP,
AND THEN YOUR MIND--

YOU KNOW, YOU FEEL A LITTLE
DIFFERENT ABOUT THE FIGHT?

YOU GOTTA KNOW HOW
TO GET OUT OF IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT
WHEN YOU DON'T THINK

YOU'RE GONNA WIN.

THERE'S CERTAIN THINGS
YOU CAN DO TO LET A PERSON KNOW

THAT YOU NOT READY TO FIGHT.

I WAS ARGUING WITH THIS GUY--
WE AT A CLUB.

HE'S SITTING DOWN,
I'M LIKE, "DUDE,"

I SAID "YOU KNOW WHAT,
SAY SOMETHING ELSE TO ME,

"I PROMISE YOU I'M GONNA SMACK
THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

"AND I MEAN THAT.

SAY SOMETHING ELSE, I'M GONNA
SMACK THIS SHIT OUT OF YOU."

LIKE, THAT'S MY
THUG LOOK RIGHT THERE.

YOU KNOW, THUGS GET TO CLAPPING
THEIR HANDS AND STAND UP.

"SAY SOMETHING ELSE...

[laughter]

"OR, ON EVERYTHING I LOVE,

I'M GONNA SMACK THE SHIT
OUT OF YOU, B, FOR REAL."

AND HE GOT UP, AND HE WAS BIGGER
THAN I THOUGHT HE WAS.

I WAS LIKE "COME ON, GIVE ME A
HUG, BRING IT IN.

[laughter]

"I'M SERIOUS, THIS IS STUPID.
COME ON, MAN.

"THERE'S NO REASON
FOR US TO ACT--

"YOU CAN'T FIGHT NOBODY
DOING THIS.

COME ON, MAN."

[laughter]

THERE'S WAYS
OF LETTING PEOPLE KNOW

THAT YOU DON'T
WANT TO FIGHT.

I GOT ONE FIGHT MOVE.

IF YOU GET PAST THAT,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I'M CONFUSED.

I'M GONNA LET Y'ALL SEE
SOME CLASSIFIED SHIT RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS CLASSIFIED, OKAY?
THIS IS MY FIGHT MOVE.

"WHAT, WHO YOU TALKIN' TO?"

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.
THIS IS SERIOUS.

[laughter]

THIS IS SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

I'M ABOUT TO SHOW Y'ALL
MY FIGHT MOVE, ALL RIGHT?

"WHAT?
WHO YOU TALKIN' TO?

"DO YOU KNOW--
DON'T TALK LIKE YOU KNOW ME.

BITCH, SAY SOMETHIN' THEN.
SAY IT!"

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S IT.

IT'S REAL QUICK.

THAT'S CLASSIFIED, ALL RIGHT?

I'LL SHOW Y'ALL ONE MORE TIME.
YOU GET ONE MORE PEEK AT IT.

I'M GONNA GIVE Y'ALL ONE MORE
CHANCE TO SEE IT, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S REAL QUICK.

"WHAT?
WHO YOU TALKIN' TO?

"DUDE, YOU DON'T
EVEN KNOW ME.

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW--
SAY SOMETHING.

SAY SOMETHING!"

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S A QUICK SHUFFLE
OF THE FEET.

THAT'S ALL I GOT.

[laughter]

IF YOU GET PAST THAT, I'M DONE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

IT CONFUSES PEOPLE.

YOU CAN EITHER THINK
I'M ABOUT TO KICK YOU,

PUNCH YOU, HAPPY FEET,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

[laughter]

THERE'S A LOT
OF DIFFERENT COMBINATIONS

THAT COME ACROSS
WITH THAT MOVE.

[laughter]

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOOD
AT AS AN INDIVIDUAL, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW,
I'M GOOD AT SEEING THINGS.

I'M GOOD AT NOTICING THINGS.

LIKE, I REMEMBER ONE OF MY
FRIENDS GOT JUMPED ONE TIME.

AND I WAS WITH HIM.
I RAN.

THE REASON WHY I RAN
IS BECAUSE I SAW IT COMING.

LIKE, YOU KNOW--

[laughter]

YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU SEE SOMETHING COMING,

YOU START TO BREAK IT DOWN?

"OH, YEAH, OH, WAIT, OH,
SHIT, WAIT, OH, NO,

THIS DON'T LOOK GOOD.
THEY LOOK ANGRY."

I TOOK OFF.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT'S BAD
ABOUT RUNNING ON SOMEBODY.

IT'S REAL BAD
WHEN YOU RUN ON SOMEBODY,

AND THEY SURVIVE THE JUMPING.

[laughter]

'CAUSE WHEN YOU SEE HIM,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

LIKE, I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY TO HIM.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY...

[laughter]

"LOOK WHO'S ALIVE!
HEY, MAN!

"HOW'D YOU MAKE IT
OUT OF THERE?

"UP TOP.
NO, NOTHING?

[laughter]

NO?
UP TOP, NOTHING?"

I SAW--

I SAW SOMEBODY GET KICKED
IN THE FACE BEFORE.

THAT SHIT WAS FUNNY.

I THINK IF YOU GET KICKED
IN THE FACE,

YOU DESERVED IT,
BECAUSE THAT MEANS

THAT YOU WATCHED THE FOOT
COMING TO YOUR FACE.

[laughter]

GOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE
TO FIGHT SOMEBODY

USING THEY FEET.

THE PERSON I SAW
GET KICKED IN THE FACE,

THE REASON WHY I LAUGHED
IS BECAUSE WHEN HE GOT KICKED,

HE LOOKED AT US
FOR CONFIRMATION.

[laughter]

LIKE HE NEEDED APPROVAL
ON WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

HE'S LIKE, "AH!
YO, SHIT, YO!"

[laughter]

"UH, IT WAS HIM, YEAH.

"YOU BETTER LOOK
AT HIS OTHER FOOT,

"BEFORE HE KICK YOU AGAIN.

"HE'S GOOD.
THAT GUY'S GOOD.

HE KNOWS
WHAT HE'S DOING."

WOULD YOU FIGHT SOMEBODY
USING THEY FEET, MAN?

LIKE, IF WE GONNA FIGHT,

I'M GONNA TELL YOU
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

PUT YOUR HANDS UP.
LET'S FIGHT."

NOW IF I GO TO FIGHT YOU,
AND YOU START STRETCHING...

[laughter]

THAT MEANS YOU KNOW
SOME SHIT I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT YOU.

I HAD AN INCIDENT
WHERE A GUY STARTED--

WELL, HE TRIED.
HE DIDN'T USE IT ON ME.

BUT HE WAS GONNA ATTEMPT
TO USE HIS FEET.

I WAS WITH MY MOM, RIGHT?

ME AND MY MOM, WE
IN THE PARKING LOT OF BEST BUY,

I'M LOOKING
FOR A PARKING SPACE.

NOW, ALL THE SPACES
WAS TOOKEN.

BUT THERE'S ONE TRUCK ABOUT
TO BACK INTO HIS PARKING SPOT,

BUT HE WAS TAKING TOO LONG.

SO I GOT MAD,
AND I STOLE IT.

I WHIPPED INTO THE SPOT
REAL FAST.

AH, AH.

LIKE, YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU'RE WRONG,

'CAUSE YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN
AND ROLL YOUR WINDOWS UP.

YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT HIM.
YOU START HUMMING.

[hums]

OUT OF NOWHERE,
THE GUY GOT OUT OF THE TRUCK.

HE WAS LIKE,
"YO, MAN, I KNOW YOU SAW ME

"ABOUT TO BACK
INTO THAT SPOT.

YOU BACK OUT OR WE'RE
GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM."

CHINESE GUY, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, I'M WITH MY MOM,
SO I AIN'T GONNA BE NO BITCH.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I GUESS
WE GOT A PROBLEM."

THIS IS HOW I KNOW
I DIDN'T WANT THIS PROBLEM.

THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT HE DID TO ME.

HE WAS LIKE, "OH, SO WE
GOT A PROBLEM?

HMM?
DO WE?"

[laughter]

"GET--GET IN THE CAR.
GET IN THE CAR, MOM."

[laughter]

ANYBODY THAT SMACK
THEIR KNEES TWICE

IS AN ASSASSIN.

HE ABOUT TO KICK YOUR GOD DAMN
TEMPLE OFF YOUR FACE.

THAT'S WHAT HE ABOUT TO DO.

MY MOM'S ALL,
"WHY WE--"

"GET IN THE GOD DAMN CAR!

BEFORE HE KILL US, MOM."

[laughter]

I KNOW WHO TO FIGHT,
WHO NOT TO FIGHT, MAN.

I WOULD LOVE
TO BE A THUG.

I SWEAR, I WISH
I COULD BE A THUG.

I DON'T HAVE IT IN ME.

LIKE, I DON'T HAVE
THOSE THUG QUALITIES IN ME.

I WAS ACTUALLY TALKING
TO THIS THUG DUDE.

I WAS IN DC
NOT TOO LONG AGO, RIGHT?

AND I TALKED
TO THIS GUY,

WE MIGHT HAVE TALKED
FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES.

I SWEAR TO YOU
I DON'T KNOW

WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.

BUT HE WAS SO PASSIONATE ABOUT
THE STUFF THAT HE WAS SAYING,

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY
I STAYED THERE TO LISTEN.

HERE'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID--
IT'S NOT EVEN A JOKE.

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW
HE WAS TALKING TO ME.

HE WAS LIKE,
"YAH-NAH I MEAN?

"I'M TALKIN'
TO THIS DUDE, RIGHT,

"MAN WE TALKIN', HE TALKIN'
ABOUT WHA-WHA-WHA-WHA.

[laughter]

"RIGHT, AND I'M LIKE,
'AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH,' RIGHT?

"YAH-NAH I MEAN?

"NIG COME UP TO ME
I'M AH-AHH!

"KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

"HERE, GET DAT,
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN',

"FLIP DAT, PRESS DAT,
AH-AH-AH-AH-AH.

"EVERYBODY GET MONEY!
AH-AH.

"BIRD GOT WHOO!
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

"I'M TALKIN' HE SAID--

[babbled indistinctly]

"YAH-NAH I MEAN?
TALKIN' TO ME--

[screeches]

"RIGHT?
RIGHT?

[high-pitched babbling]

"KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
HE CAME BACK.

[babbles indistinctly]

I LOOKED UP,
HE WAS DEAD."

I SAID, "WHOA, WHAT,
WAIT A SECOND.

"BACK UP.
BACK, WHO--

WELL, WHO KILLED HIM?
WHOOP WHOOP?"

I WAS SO CONFUSED,
I THOUGHT I WAS A WITNESS.

I SAID
"DID I SEE THIS?

[laughter]

"WAS I THERE?

"I DON'T WANT
TO BE A PART OF IT,

IS WHAT I'M SAYING."

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO AFRAID
IN MY LIFE, MAN.

[laughter]

I JUST DON'T
DO GOOD WITH THUG STUFF.

THUG ACTIVITY.

I HAD ONE THUG DUDE
TELL ME HE WAS

GONNA POP THE TRUNK
ON ME ONE TIME.

HE'S LIKE,
"SAY SOMETHING ELSE,

I'M GONNA POP THE TRUNK
ON YOUR BITCH ASS."

EVERYBODY RAN.

I SAID "WELL, WHERE'D YOU PARK?"

[laughter]

HE LOOKS AT ME
LIKE I WAS CRAZY.

"MAN, GET OUT OF THERE!"

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW
HOW FAR IT WAS.

I MIGHT NOT HAVE TO RUN.

WE COULD CATCH THE TRAIN
AND STILL GET HOME.

[laughter]

WISH I COULD BE
A RAPPER OR SOME SHIT.

I REALLY DO.

YOU KNOW WHY I CAN'T
BE A RAPPER, THOUGH, MAN?

BECAUSE MY VOICE
AIN'T DEEP ENOUGH.

TO BE A RAPPER,
YOU NEED A DEEP VOICE.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY PEOPLE
GONNA WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU

ON A REGULAR BASIS.

I DON'T THINK NOBODY
WOULD BUY MY ALBUM

BECAUSE MY VOICE
IS TOO SMALL.

[speaking lightly]
YEAH, BITCH, I'M A KILLER.

I SHOOT YOU IN YOUR FACE.

[laughter and applause]

[mimics ricochets]
EVERYBODY GONNA DIE.

[mimics ricochets]
EVERY...

BODY GONNA DIE TONIGHT.

DID HE JUST SAY...
[mimic ricochets]

[laughter]

I'M NOT BUYIN'
THAT SHIT IF HE SAID...

[mimics ricochets]

AIN'T NO WAY.

CERTAIN SHIT JUST KEEPS YOU
FROM BEING TOUGH.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S REALLY
KEEPING ME FROM BEING TOUGH?

LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS REALLY HOLDING ME BACK.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT HERE.
LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT.
LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

[laughter]

THIS IS REALLY
FUCKING ME UP, MAN.

AIN'T NOTHIN' TOUGH
ABOUT THIS.

IT DON'T MATTER
WHAT YOU SAY,

AIN'T NOBODY GONNA TAKE YOU
SERIOUS IF YOU SWING YOUR FEET.

IT DON'T MATTER.

I WILL KILL EVERYBODY
IN THIS BITCH TONIGHT!

I AIN'T FUCKING PLAYING
WITH Y'ALL.

Y'ALL THINK
THIS IS A GAME?

NO, I'M SICK OF IT.

I'M SICK OF THE WAY
PEOPLE TREAT ME AROUND HERE.

WOULD YOU TALK
TO A GUY WHO SWUNG HIS FEET?

IF YOU AT A CLUB
AND I TRIED TO TALK TO YOU?

"COME HERE, BABY, LET ME HOLLER
AT YOU FOR A SECOND.

"YOU, GIRL, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL
WHO I'M TALKING TO.

"WAIT A SECOND.

"LET ME CLIMB DOWN
AND GET MY FEET TOGETHER.

WAIT A MINUTE NOW."

[laughter]

RAPPERS MAKE ME LAUGH, THOUGH.

I SWEAR RAPPERS
ARE FUNNY, MAN.

YOU EVER SEE
RAPPERS FREESTYLE?

LIKE WHEN THEY BE
BATTLING EACH OTHER?

YOU EVER NOTICE
THE MORE ANGRY A RAPPER GETS,

THE HIGHER
HIS HANDS GET?

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

[laughter]

THEY START OFF SO CALM.

THIS IS RAPPERS
WHEN THEY FREESTYLE.

LIKE, THE DUDE--THIS IS THE DUDE
WHEN HE'S LISTENING

TO THE OTHER GUY.

[laughter]

"YOU READY?"

"NO, I GOT HIM.
I GOT HIM, B."

WAIT, THIS IS REALLY
HOW THEY BE, LOOK.

[laughter]

"REAL TALK."

I NEED A STRAIGHT LOOK THOUGH.
[laughter and applause]

HEY.

THIS IS HOW--

THIS IS HOW THE RAPPER--

I'M REALLY TRYING
TO BE A RAPPER RIGHT NOW.

LIKE, THIS--

[laughter]

THIS IS THE REAL
ANGRY RAPPER.

"REAL TALK.

"I KILL NIGGAS.

"I SLAY NIGGAS
THAT DON'T LOVE IT.

"NIGGA, YOU WANNA BEAT ME
TO GET IT,

I GET IT BACK!"

[laughter and applause]

THE OTHER DUDE,
HE'S SO CONFUSED.

"OH, SHIT,
THIS NIGGA'S CRAZY!"

HE BE TRYING
TO FOLLOW HIS HANDS.

"HE'S CRAZY.
HE'S ABOUT TO KILL ME.

HE'S GONNA CAP ME
OR SOMETHING."

[laughter]

I CAN'T BE THAT GUY, MAN.

I WANT TO BE.

THERE'S SO MUCH STUFF
THAT I WANTED TO DO

THAT I'M REALIZING NOW
THAT I CAN'T DO.

LIKE, I WANTED
TO BE A SINGER.

I WANTED TO BE AN R&B SINGER
FOR A LONG TIME.

BUT I CAN'T SING,
BUT I CAN DANCE MY ASS OFF.

IF ANYBODY HERE
IS TRYING TO BE A SINGER,

I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU WHAT
YOU NEED TO KNOW TO MAKE IT.

ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS MORE CLASSIFIED STUFF.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO
IS OPEN YOUR HANDS,

CLOSE THEM, AND POINT.

THAT'S IT.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY.
YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT?"

BUT I'M TELLING Y'ALL,
IT LOOK GOOD.

WATCH THIS.
I'M NOT GONNA SING NOTHING.

BUT TELL ME THIS DON'T LOOK LIKE
I'M ABOUT TO SAY SOME STUFF.

LOOK AT THIS.

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

"OH, SHIT!

"HE GONNA SING SOMETHING!

WHEN HE GONNA SING, GIRL?"

[laughter]

THAT OR THE SLIDE OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT
THE SLIDE OUT IS?

YOU EVER SEE AN OLD GROUP, WHEN
AN OLD GROUP BE IN THE THING?

LIKE THE TEMPTATIONS
OR SOMEBODY,

YOU NEVER KNOW
WHO THE LEAD SINGER IS,

SO THEY SLIDE OUT.

THEY BE LIKE THIS.

THEY SLIDE OUT AND START
SINGING ON YOU.

THAT'S THE BEST SHIT EVER.

'CAUSE THEY BE TALKING SHIT.

"THESE BITCHES DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT'S ABOUT TO HIT THEM.

"I'M ABOUT
TO SLIDE OUT ON HER.

OOH."

[laughter]

"HE'S GOOD.
THIS GUY IS GOOD, HE'S GOOD."

[laughter]

I WAS WORKING OUT
AND EVERYTHING.

SERIOUS ABOUT
MY SINGING CAREER.

HAD TO STOP WORKING OUT.

SOME NAKED GUY TRIED
TO TALK TO ME IN THE GYM.

I AIN'T LIKE THAT.

HE WAS ASS-NAKED,
TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

WITH ME
WHILE I WAS AT MY LOCKER.

I'M GETTING MY STUFF
OUT OF MY LOCKER.

HE CAME UP TO ME,
HE'S LIKE,

"HEY MAN, SO HOW LONG
YOU BEEN A MEMBER?"

AND I WAS LIKE,
"WHY IS YOUR DICK HARD?

"WHAT KIND OF GYM IS THIS?

WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN, MAN?"

I GOT A LITTLE BUTT.

THAT'S THE FIRST THING
I THINK ABOUT.

I DIDN'T HAVE
MY WHISTLE.

IF I HAD MY WHISTLE,
I WOULD HAVE FELT BETTER.

[laughter]

I DIDN'T WANT
TO ASK FOR A HUG,

'CAUSE HE WAS HARD.

I DON'T WANT THAT SHIT
POKING ME IN THE BELLY BUTTON.

THAT'S KIND OF LIKE
INTERCOURSE A LITTLE BIT.

I DIDN'T WANT
TO FEEL THAT.

I MIGHT HAVE BEEN GAY.

YOU PUT IT IN MY BELLY BUTTON
AND I'M GAY.

"YOU GAY?"

"YEAH, HE PUT IT
IN MY BELLY BUTTON.

THAT'S GOTTA BE GAY."

[laughter]

I'M SERIOUS.

I'M JUST TELLING Y'ALL
THE STUFF THAT I KNOW.

THESE ARE THINGS
THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH, MAN.

I REALLY WAS SERIOUS
ABOUT WORKING OUT.

YOU HONESTLY WANT
TO KNOW WHY I STOPPED

GOING TO THE GYM, THOUGH?

I SAW ONE OF THEM
REAL STRONG GUYS.

YOU EVER SEE
THEM REAL BIG DUDES?

REAL HUGE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

NO NECK.
JUST BE IN THE GYM WORKIN' OUT?

I SAW HIM ONE DAY,
AND I JUST GOT MAD.

I WAS LIKE "DUDE, WHY
ARE YOU STILL HERE?

"THAT'S IT, YOU WON!

"YOU GOT 'EM ALL.

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?"

LIKE, Y'ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW MAD THAT MAKES ME

WHEN YOU'RE THAT BIG
FOR NO REASON.

LIKE, IF YOU GONNA GET THAT BIG,
THERE'S GOTTA BE A REASON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, WHEN I ASK YOU
WHY YOU'RE WORKING OUT,

YOU SHOULD TELL ME
"I'M TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS.

I'M ABOUT TO ENTER
THE STRONGMAN COMPETITION."

SOMETHING!

THERE'S GOT TO BE
A FUCKING REASON!

BUT WHEN YOU'RE THAT BIG,
AND YOU WORK FOR T-MOBILE,

AND YOU ANSWER THE PHONES...

[laughter]

YOU STRONG AS SHIT,

AND YOU CAN'T EVEN HANDLE
THE HEADSET.

[speaking indistinctly]

"HELLO?

THANK YOU FOR CALLING--
HELLO?"

[laughter]

[screams indistinctly]

[laughter]

YOU START MOVING SHIT AROUND
THE OFFICE 'CAUSE YOU'RE SO--

[screams]

"THANK YOU
FOR CALLING T-MOBILE."

SIT YOUR STRONG,
UNPRODUCTIVE ASS DOWN, MAN.

STRONG AS SHIT
WITH A HEADSET.

THEY DONE WENT THROUGH
37 HEADSETS THIS MONTH...

[laughter]

'CAUSE YOU'RE HAND'S
TOO FUCKING STRONG FOR...

[groans]

"BOSS, ANOTHER ONE.

[laughter]

"THAT'S FIVE TODAY, BOSS.

TAKE 'EM OUT MY CHECK."

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE
THE EQUIPMENT, EITHER.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE
NONE OF THE EQUIPMENT, MAN.

'CAUSE THE EQUIPMENT GETTING
TOO SERIOUS NOW.

LIKE, THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN IT WAS REGULAR,

YOU KNEW WHAT IT WAS,
IT SAID THE INSTRUCTION.

NOW THEY GOT ALL THESE
UNIVERSAL MACHINES AND STUFF.

I WAS TRYING
TO WORK MY LEGS THE OTHER DAY,

AND YOU KNOW THE LEG MACHINE
THAT GOES LIKE THIS?

LIKE YOU SIT ON IT--
[grunts]

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, I GET THERE,

AND IT WAS RECLINED DOWN.

LIKE, IT WAS ALL FLAT
ON ONE LEVEL.

SO I THOUGHT IT WAS ARMS.

SO I SAID "OKAY,
I'M GONNA WORK MY ARMS."

[laughter]

MY FACE WAS BURNING
AND EVERYTHING.

LIKE, I'M DOING
SOMETHING RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

SO I GOT UP.

AND WHEN I GOT UP,
SOME GUY CAME AND SAT DOWN

RIGHT WHERE MY FACE WAS.

I WAS LIKE "HEY, MAN--"

I TRIED TO TELL HIM
"HEY, YOU DOIN' THAT WRONG.

THAT'S ARMS."

HE WAS LIKE, "NO,
THIS IS LEGS."

I WAS LIKE, "SO THAT'S WHY
MY FACE WAS BURNING?

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN SMELLING
PEOPLE'S BALLS ALL GODDAMN--"

I WAS SO PISSED OFF,
'CAUSE I DID THREE SETS.

HE WATCHED ME
DO THREE SETS.

[laughter]

HE JUST STOOD BY THE MACHINE,
"THERE YOU GO."

[laughter]

"THAT'S IT,
PULL IT UP, PULL IT UP."

SMACK YOU
ON THE ASS AND EVERYTHING.

"COME ON, NOW!

IT'S YOUR LAST SET,
PULL IT!"

I DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

[laughter]

I DON'T LIKE
THOSE GUYS THAT TRY

TO MAKE A SCENE
AT THE GYM EITHER.

YOU EVER SEE THE GUYS
JUST TRYING TO GET EVERYBODY

TO LOOK AT THEM
BEFORE THEY LIFT SOMETHING?

LIKE,
I'M ON THE TREADMILL, RIGHT?

I'M WALKING
ON THE TREADMILL.

FOR SOME REASON,
I CAN'T RUN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,
SO I JUST WALK.

I BE ON MY BLACKBERRY.

I JUST PEOPLE WATCH, RIGHT?

BUT IT'S THIS GUY,

HE WAS EITHER GOING TO JAIL,
OR HE JUST GOT OUT.

IT WAS ONE OR THE OTHER.

HE WAS ONE OF THOSE "BIGS."
LIKE, THE "LITTLE BIG."

THIS--THIS IS THE WEIGHT BENCH
RIGHT HERE, RIGHT?

THIS IS THE WEIGHT BENCH.

HE HAD, LIKE,
THREE 45 PLATES RIGHT HERE,

HE HAD THREE 45 PLATES
RIGHT HERE.

BUT HE DIDN'T WANT
TO LIFT IT

UNTIL HE KNEW EVERYBODY
IN THE GYM WAS LOOKING AT HIM.

[laughter]

THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT HE WAS DOING.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

I WAS JUST LOOKING.

"OH, HE ABOUT TO DO THIS SHIT.
HE GONNA DO IT."

HE NEVER DID IT.
HE JUST LEFT.

HE JUST WALKED
OUT THE GYM.

[laughter]

WHO DOES THAT?

WHO GETS SOMEBODY
THAT EXCITED,

AND THEN DON'T FINISH IT?

I WAS PISSED OFF.

WHY WOULD YOU PLAY
WITH ME LIKE THAT

AND THEN NOT LIFT IT?

REALLY TRYING
TO GET BIG, MAN.

I WAS SERIOUS
ABOUT THE GYM.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING ELSE
I THOUGHT

A GYM'S GONNA DO
FOR ME THOUGH?

I THOUGHT THE GYM WAS GOING
TO HELP ME MENTALLY.

HAD A LOT OF MENTAL STUFF
I WAS TRYING TO GET OVER.

PHOBIAS AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW, YOU GET
A LITTLE BIGGER,

YOU FEEL BETTER
ABOUT YOURSELF.

YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT
STUFF YOU'RE AFRAID OF.

GOT ANY PHOBIAS?

NONE THAT YOU
CAN THINK OF?

YOU AIN'T SCARED
OF NOTHIN', HUH?

[laughter]

YOU EVER WAKE UP
AND AN ALLIGATOR

IN YOUR ROOM
OR SOME SHIT?

[laughter]

BET YOU'LL BE SCARED OF THAT.

YOU WAKE UP ASS-NAKED,
DICK SWINGING.

"HEY!
HEY!

GET A BLANKET!
GET A BLANKET!"

THAT'S A BAD FEELING
RIGHT THERE.

I'M AFRAID OF A LOT
OF STUFF, MAN.

EVERYTHING I'M AFRAID OF,

I'M AFRAID OF
FOR A REASON, THOUGH.

I DON'T WANT Y'ALL THINKING,
OH, I THINK IT'S FUNNY,

I JUST SAY I'M AFRAID
OF SOME STUFF.

LIKE, SOMETHING'S
HAPPENED TO ME,

AND THAT'S WHY I'M AFRAID
OF THE STUFF I'M AFRAID OF.

LIKE, I DON'T LIKE GORILLAS.
I'M REAL SCARED OF GORILLAS.

[laughter]

I AM, 'CAUSE IT WAS DADDY DAY.
I WAS AT THE ZOO.

IT WAS ME
AND MY BABIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,
I'M BY MYSELF.

I GOT MY SON IN MY ARM,
MY DAUGHTER RIGHT HERE,

WE'RE LOOKING
AT THE GORILLAS.

WHILE I'M LOOKING
AT THE GORILLA,

I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN
TO MY DAUGHTER

WHAT A GORILLA IS,
YOU KNOW?

WHILE I'M TALKING,
THE GORILLA SMACKED THE GLASS,

REAL HARD.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
HARD AS SHIT.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, I'M TALKING
TO MY BABY.

"BABY, THAT'S
A SILVERBACK GORILLA.

"OKAY, THEY CALL HIM
THE SILVERBACK

'CAUSE HE GOT A SILVER THING
GOING DOWN HIS BACK."

WHILE I'M TALKING,
THE GORILLA'S LIKE...

SMACKED THE SHIT
OUT THE GLASS.

IN MY MIND,
HE JUST GOT LOOSE.

I WAS LIKE,
"HE'S OUT."

[laughter]

I NEVER GOT OUT THE ZOO
SO FAST IN MY LIFE.

I MEAN, LIKE, DUDE,
I WAS HAUL-ASSING OUT THE ZOO.

BUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU RUNNING,

AND YOU THINK SOMEBODY'S
ABOUT TO CATCH YOU,

AND YOU FEEL IT
ON YOUR NECK?

I WAS RUNNING,
BUT I FELT SOMETHING.

I WAS LIKE "OH, SHIT.
THE GORILLA ABOUT TO GRAB ME."

'CAUSE IT FELT LIKE SOMEBODY
WAS DOING THIS.

AND I WAS LIKE,
"I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

I GOTTA GET
THE GORILLA OFF ME."

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I PANICKED.

SO I DROPPED MY BABY.
I WAS LIKE, "AH."

[laughter]

MADE IT LOOK
LIKE AN ACCIDENT.

"AHH!"

THEY WERE LIKE,
"YOU DROPPED YOUR BABY!"

I WAS LIKE,
"UH-UH."

[laughter]

I HAD TO SAVE MYSELF.
I DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

I'M SERIOUS.

VERY, VERY SERIOUS.

THAT'S WHERE
I'M AT THOUGH, MAN.

I'M JUST SCARED
OF A LOT OF SHIT.

I DON'T LIKE GNATS.
I'M SCARED OF GNATS.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
LITTLE ASS GNATS, RIGHT?

'CAUSE ME AND MY MOM,
WE WAS IN THE PARK, RIGHT?

I WAS, LIKE,
NINE YEARS OLD,

AND I WALKED
INTO A BUSHEL OF THEM.

YOU EVER SEE GNATS
WHEN THEY FLY TOGETHER?

IT'S LIKE 1,000 GNATS
IN A CIRCLE.

WELL, I WALKED INTO THAT SHIT,
AND I PANICKED.

I DIDN'T KNOW--

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I STAYED THERE.

[screams]

[laughter]

ALL MY MOM HAD TO DO
WAS GRAB MY HAND

AND PULL ME
OUT THE GNATS.

MY MOM'S
SO DAMN DRAMATIC,

MY MOM MADE IT WORSE,
'CAUSE SHE STARTED YELLING.

"SOMEBODY GET MY BABY
OUT THE GNATS!

"THE GNATS EATIN' MY BABY!

JESUS CHRIST!"

WHEN I HEARD "JESUS,"
I THOUGHT IT WAS REAL.

[screams]

THOUGHT THEY
WAS EATING ME.

I PUNCHED THIS GIRL IN THE FACE
BECAUSE OF A GNAT ONE TIME.

[laughter]

ME AND THIS GIRL
WAS TALKING.

WE WAS HAVING A REAL
INTIMATE CONVERSATION.

WHILE WE WAS TALKING,
A GNAT FLEW BY.

I WAS TRYING
TO GET RID OF THE GNAT,

BUT SHE WAS SO CLOSE,
SHE CAUGHT THE WORST OF IT.

LIKE, YOU KNOW,
WE WERE TALKING,

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, BABY, YOU KNOW,
YOU SHOULD COME OVER AFTER."

SHE WAS LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, I DON'T MIND."

I SAID "WELL, LOOK,
I'M PARKED RIGHT HERE.

JUST PULL AROUND,
THAT WAY YOU CAN FOLLOW ME."

"YEAH, MATTER OF FACT,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT--"

[laughter]

I LOOKED UP,
SHE WAS "AHH!"

"YOU DIDN'T
SEE THAT BIG-ASS GNAT?

"GNAT TRIED TO LAY
AN EGG ON MY FACE.

"IT WAS A PREGNANT GNAT.

"I KNOW A PREGNANT GNAT
WHEN I SEE ONE.

PREGNANT GNAT
TRIED TO KILL ME."

JUST TELLIN Y'ALL
WHAT I KNOW.

I'VE SEEN IT.

THIS ALL
HAPPENED TO ME, MAN.

I DON'T LIKE DOLPHINS.
I'M SCARED OF DOLPHINS.

I AM.

ME AND MY WIFE,
WE WAS IN MAUI, RIGHT?

WE'RE IN MAUI,
SHE WAS LIKE, "COME ON, BABE,

WE SHOULD GO
SWIM WITH THE DOLPHINS."

I WAS LIKE, "NO, I TOLD YOU
HOW I FEEL ABOUT THEM DOLPHINS."

SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON,
STOP BEING A BITCH.

LET'S JUST DO IT."

I WAS LIKE,
"DON'T CALL ME NO BITCH."

SHE'S LIKE, "BITCH."

"MAN, WHATEVER."

LIKE, YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU DON'T GOT A COMEBACK,

SO YOU JUST GOTTA,
"PSH, YOU STUPID."

THAT'S ALL I HAD, I DIDN'T HAVE
NOTHING ELSE TO SAY.

SO WE GO, WE GO,
WE GET THERE.

THEY GOT THE DOLPHINS
IN THIS TANK.

THERE'S LIKE EIGHT DOLPHINS
IN THIS TANK, RIGHT?

WHEN I GET THERE,
I SEE THIS OLD LADY

ON THE BACK
OF A DOLPHIN.

I SEE THIS LITTLE BOY.

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, BABE,
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN OVERREACTING.

"GET THE CAMERA,
TAKE SOME PICTURES OF ME

ON THE BACK
OF A DOLPHIN."

I WAS HYPED, RIGHT?

I GET IN THE WATER,

I'M ON THE BACK
OF A DOLPHIN.

THE INSTRUCTOR, HE WAS LIKE,
"AS SOON AS YOU GRAB

"THE DOLPHIN'S FIN,

"THE DOLPHIN'S GONNA START
TAKING YOU AROUND.

SO WHENEVER YOU READY,
GRAB HIS FIN."

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, COOL,
I'M READY."

AS SOON AS I GRABBED
MY DOLPHIN'S FIN,

MY DOLPHIN WENT STRAIGHT
TO THE BOTTOM OF THE TANK.

LIKE, HE JUST--
HE JUST WENT DOWN.

SO BECAUSE I WAS SCARED,
I DIDN'T LET GO.

I HELD ON.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE SCARED,
HOW YOU START

TO MENTALLY CREATE SHIT
IN YOUR OWN MIND?

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, IT'S OBVIOUS
THAT I GOT A RACIST DOLPHIN.

[laughter]

"HE DON'T LIKE
BLACK PEOPLE.

"HE DONE CUT A DEAL
WITH A SHARK,

"BRING HIM
A BLACK PIECE OF MEAT.

SOMETHING BAD'S
ABOUT TO HAPPEN."

SO I LET GO,
I GET TO THE TOP.

WHEN I LET GO,
I'M SO SCARED,

I START SNAPPING
ON THE INSTRUCTOR

AS SOON
AS I SEE HIM.

I WAS LIKE, "NOBODY SAW FUCKING
DOLPHIN NUMBER EIGHT MISSING?

[laughter]

"HUH, Y'ALL DIDN'T NOTICE I WAS
GONE FOR, LIKE, 30 SECONDS?

HE TRIED TO KILL ME!
HE TRIED TO KILL ME!"

I WAS MAD.

I WAS SO FUCKING SCARED.

I WAS LIKE, "Y'ALL SEE
THE OLD LADY AND THE LITTLE BOY,

"BUT NOBODY SAW THE BLACK
FUCKING SWIRL MISSING?

"NOBODY NOTICED THAT THE BLACK
DOT WASN'T GOING AROUND?

Y'ALL DIDN'T NOTICE THAT?"

HE WAS LIKE, "CALM DOWN,
MAN, CALM DOWN!

IT'S THREE FEET.
JUST STAND UP."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"
[laughter]

"WHAT'D HE SAY?"

I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE
THAT I WAS WALKING

AND TALKING SHIT
AT THE SAME TIME.

COME TO FIND OUT,
I NEVER EVEN WENT UNDER WATER.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS,

SOME WATER
SPLASHED IN MY FACE,

AND I PANICKED.

[screams]

MADE IT UP.
MADE IT ALL UP.

[laughter]

I WAS SCARED.

I NEVER LIED
THAT FAST IN MY LIFE.

HE WAS RACIST, THOUGH.
I KNOW HE WAS RACIST.

YOU KNOW HOW
I KNOW HE WAS RACIST?

'CAUSE WHEN I GOT
OUT THE WATER--

YOU KNOW HOW DOLPHINS ARE LIKE,
"GIGGIT, GIGGIT"?

THEY BE DOIN' THAT,
LIKE, "GIGGIT, GIGGIT."

WELL, HE LOOKED AT ME.

HE WAS LIKE "NIGGIT, NIGGIT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

BLEW MY WHISTLE IN HIS FACE.
I DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT.

HE DON'T WORK THERE.
I GOT HIM FIRED.

I KNOW PEOPLE.

WHAT ELSE DON'T I LIKE?

I DON'T LIKE OSTRICHES.
I'M SCARED OF OSTRICHES.

FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW
WHAT AN OSTRICH IS,

IT'S A BIG-ASS BIRD
THAT'S THE SAME SIZE AS ME.

THESE BIRDS ARE HUGE, OKAY?

I'M IN NEBRASKA--
DOING A SHOW IN NEBRASKA--

I HAD TO PEE.

SO I'M ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD,
I'M PEEING, RIGHT?

I GET DONE PEEING,
I LOOK TO MY LEFT,

IT'S A BIG-ASS OSTRICH LOOKING
AT ME WHILE I'M PEEING.

HE WAS STANDING
ON ONE LEG LIKE THIS.

HIS BODY WAS FACING
THIS WAY,

BUT HIS HEAD--
HIS HEAD WAS LIKE THIS.

[laughter]

NOW, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS,
SO I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

MY FRIEND GOT OUT OF THE CAR,
HE'S LIKE, "YO, WHAT'S THAT?"

I SAID "I DON'T KNOW.

"IT'S LIKE A BIG-ASS MAN PIGEON.
I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS."

HE'S LIKE, "THAT AIN'T
NO MAN PIGEON."

I WAS LIKE, "IT IS
A MAN PIGEON."

HE TOOK A PEN.
HE THREW A INK PEN AT IT.

AS SOON AS HE THREW
THE PEN AT IT,

HIT THE OSTRICH
IN THE CHEST.

SOON AS HE HIT THE OSTRICH,
HIS OTHER LEG CAME DOWN.

HE BODY WAS STILL
FACING THIS WAY,

BUT HIS HEAD--HIS HEAD
WAS STILL LIKE THIS.

NOW, WHEN HIS
LEG CAME DOWN,

THIS IS WHEN THE BITCH STARTED
TO COME OUT OF ME A LITTLE BIT.

[laughter]

I WAS LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT,

"WE SHOULD, UM--

"WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO GET
BACK IN THE CAR, BECAUSE--

"BECAUSE WE DON'T REALLY
KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, THAT--

"THAT COULD BE A SIGN.

"THAT COULD MEAN, LIKE,
YOU GOT TEN SECONDS

"TO GET THE FUCK OUT MY FACE
BEFORE I KILL YOU.

"I'M GONNA EAT YOUR KIDS.

"WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY.

SO LET'S JUST GET BACK
IN THE CAR WHERE WE SAFE AT."

SO WE GET IN THE CAR.

AS SOON AS WE GET
IN THE CAR, I START LAUGHING.

I'M LIKE, "AHH,
YOU'RE A BITCH, MAN."

HE'S LIKE, "NO, YOU'RE
THE BITCH."

I'M LIKE, "NO, YOU'RE
A BITCH."

I'M LAUGHING,
I'M DRIVING, LIKE,

30 MILES PER HOUR.

I LOOK OUT
THE PASSENGER WINDOW.

THE OSTRICH WAS RUNNING
30 MILES PER HOUR

BESIDE THE CAR.

HIS BODY WAS STILL
FACING THIS WAY,

BUT HIS HEAD
WAS STILL LIKE THIS.

HE WAS HAUL-ASSING...

[laughter]

AT 30 MILES PER HOUR.

NOW, WHEN I'M SCARED--
LIKE, IF I'M REAL, REAL SCARED,

I GET EMOTIONAL.

I'LL START TO CRY
IF I'M REAL, REAL SCARED.

SO I GOT A LITTLE EMOTIONAL,
YOU KNOW, I LOOKED AT MY FRIEND,

I WAS LIKE, "WHY WOULD YOU--

"WHY WOULD YOU
THROW A PEN AT IT...

[laughter]

"IF--IF--IF--IF WE--

"IF WE DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT IT IS?

[laughter]

"NO, NO, NO,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

"I'M SAYING, LIKE--

I'M SAYING WE DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT IT IS."

[screaming high-pitched]

HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, STOP BITCHING,
SPEED UP, SPEED UP!"

I LIE TO Y'ALL NOT,

I STARTED DRIVING, LIKE,
60 MILES PER HOUR.

WHEN I TELL Y'ALL
THAT THIS OSTRICH WAS RUNNING

60 MILES PER HOUR,
I'M NOT BULLSHITTING.

HE BODY WAS STILL
FACING THIS WAY,

BUT HIS HEAD
WAS STILL LIKE THIS.

HE WAS RUNNING SO--
YOU COULDN'T EVEN SEE HIS LEGS,

HE WAS GOING
SO FUCKING FAST.

HE WAS MOVING.

AND THE REASON WHY
I WAS SO SCARED

IS BECAUSE HE NEVER LOOKED
IN FRONT OF HIM.

LIKE, HE DIDN'T CARE
ABOUT A WALL...

[laughter]

OR ANOTHER OSTRICH,
HE WAS JUST LOOKING AT US.

BUT THE WAS HE WAS LOOKING AT US
WAS LIKE HE WAS SAYING

"WHEN I CATCH Y'ALL,
I'M GONNA FUCK BOTH Y'ALL UP."

OVER A PEN.

OVER A GOD DAMN PEN.

AND I WAS LIKE,
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST APOLOGIZE?"

[laughter]

'CAUSE I DIDN'T THROW THE PEN.
I WAS SCARED.

THAT'S THE ONLY TIME I EVER
SHITTED ON MYSELF IN MY LIFE.

[laughter]

I'VE NEVER SHITTED ON MYSELF,
BUT I LET GO THAT TIME.

I LET LOOSE.
I REALLY DID.

'CAUSE I HAD TO GO.
I REALLY DID.

NO, I'VE SHITTED
ON MYSELF BEFORE.

THIS GUY TRIED
TO STICK ME UP.

THIS GUY CAME
AT ME WITH A GUN.

HE WAS LIKE,
"GIVE ME YOUR MONEY, BITCH.

ALL OF IT."

I WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN."

[grunts]

[laughter]

HE WAS LIKE,
"WHAT'S THAT SMELL?"

I WAS LIKE,
"I SHITTED."

HE'S LIKE, "GET YOUR ASS
OUT OF HERE.

"DON'T NOBODY
WANNA SMELL THAT

WHILE THEY TAKING
YOUR MONEY, MAN."

[laughter]

I WAS HONEST.
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

I THINK THAT'S PROBABLY WHY
WOMEN DON'T RESPECT ME,

'CAUSE I'M SO HONEST.

I'M SERIOUS,
MY WIFE DON'T RESPECT ME.

I KNOW SHE DON'T.

YOU FEEL LIKE
YOUR LADY RESPECT YOU, MAN?

YOU EVER FIGHT?

NO?

NEVER, LIKE, FISTFIGHT?
LIKE A GOOD ONE?

NEVER?

[laughter]

YOU'VE NEVER TRIED
TO HIT HIM, EVER?

NO?

YOU TRIED
TO HIT HIM.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN,
I'M BEING HONEST WITH YOU.

I PROMOTE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

I THINK IF YOU'RE IN--
[laughter]

NO, I KNOW
IT SOUNDS CRAZY.

I'M TELLING Y'ALL
SOME REAL STUFF.

I THINK
IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP,

AND YOUR WOMAN HAS NEVER
TRIED TO HIT YOU,

SHE DON'T LOVE YOU.

ANY WOMAN THAT LOVES YOU

I GONNA TRY TO HURT YOU
AT SOME POINT IN TIME

WHEN YOU MAKE HER MAD.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW WHEN
YOU GOT A GOOD WOMAN.

I DON'T MIND THAT.

I DON'T LIKE HYPOCRITES.

I DON'T LIKE WOMEN
THAT ARE HYPOCRITES.

LIKE, ANY FEMALE THAT'LL, LIKE,
DARE A MAN TO HIT HER

FOR THREE HOURS, AND THEN ACT
SURPRISED WHEN HE DO IT.

I DON'T LIKE THAT.

[laughter]

I DON'T.
I DON'T LIKE THAT.

YOU EVER SEE THAT?

YOU EVER SEE A WOMAN
TALK ALL THAT SHIT,

AND THEN ACT LIKE
SHE DON'T KNOW

WHERE THE CONSEQUENCES
CAME FROM?

"YEAH, YEAH, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

"I WISH YOU WOULD
PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME.

"NO, NO, NO,
I WISH YOU WOULD.

"SEE, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

"SEE, YOU THINK I'M ONE
OF THESE REGULAR BITCHES

"THAT WON'T
FIGHT YOU BACK.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I PROMISE YOU, BOO-BOO--"

[laughter]

HEY, YOU EVER HAVE A GIRL
SLOW DOWN ON YOU LIKE THAT?

"BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

"I PROMISE YOU, BOO-BOO,

"THIS NOT GONNA GO DOWN
THE WAY YOU THINK.

"NO, DON'T BE A BITCH.

"DON'T BE A BITCH
AND WALK AWAY.

COME BACK, PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME,
WATCH WHAT I DO.

[screaming]

"HE'S CRAZY!

HELP!"

HE'S NOT CRAZY.

HE'S JUST TIRED OF YOU TALKING
SHIT FOR THREE HOURS.

THAT'S ALL THAT IS.

[laughter]

WOMEN, Y'ALL KNOW HOW
TO PUSH THEM BUTTONS, MAN.

Y'ALL TALENTED.

WOMEN, Y'ALL
GOT A DIFFERENT LEVEL.

LIKE, Y'ALL PUSH MEN
TO A DIFFERENT LEVEL OF ANGER.

LIKE, YOU EVER GET SO MAD
WHEN YOU ARGUE WITH A GIRL

THAT YOU CAN'T FIND THE WORD,
SO YOU GOTTA MAKE A NOISE?

THE WORD IS RIGHT THERE,
BUT YOU CAN'T GET IT OUT.

"BITCH, FIRST OF ALL,
I'M TRYING TRYIN' TO--

"I GOT ALL THE--
UH, STUFF TO--

HOO, SHIT!"

[laughter and applause]

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE
THAT NOISE CAME FROM.

YOU NEVER MADE THAT NOISE,
EVER IN YOUR LIFE.

[laughter]

THEY MAKE YOU GET
TO THOSE POINTS.

YOU EVER OUTLINE A GIRL?
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S WHEN YOU PUT YOUR HANDS
AROUND YOUR LADY'S FACE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HIT HER,

YOU JUST WANT TO SHOW HER
WHAT YOU COULD DO.

IT'S A SCARE TACTIC.
IT'S REAL FAST.

"BITCH, SAY SOMETHING ELSE.
I SWEAR TO GOD."

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S REAL QUICK.

"SAY ANOTHER--
SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL--"

YOUR THREATS
DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

"I'LL PUT YOUR STOMACH IN YOUR
FACE AND MAKE YOU EAT YOURSELF."

"WHAT?

"WHAT'D YOU SAY?

STOMACH IN YOUR FACE?
MAKE YOU EAT YOURSELF?"

[laughter]

EVERY WOMAN KNOWS HOW
TO PUSH A MAN'S BUTTONS.

THAT'S WHAT Y'ALL GOOD AT.

YOU KNOW HOW
TO MAKE YOUR MAN MAD.

YOU KNOW HOW
TO PISS HIM OFF.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO SAY
TO MAKE HIM MAD.

HE COULD ARGUE WITH ANY
OTHER WOMAN IN HERE,

HE NOT GONNA CARE
WHAT THEY GOT TO SAY.

"SHUT UP, BEAT IT,
GET OUT MY FACE."

YOU KNOW HOW
TO GET A REACTION.

"FUCK YOU, TERRANCE.

FUCK YOU
AND YOUR THIRD BALL."

"WHAT, BITCH?
MY THIRD--

"DON'T TALK
ABOUT MY THIRD BALL!

"THE DOCTOR SAID IT'S A POSSIBLE
MEDICAL CONDITION.

IT COULD BE CANCER."

[laughter]

HE DON'T LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW HOW TO GET
THOSE REACTIONS OUT OF HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY WIFE DO
TO MAKE ME MAD?

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN SHE SINGS
WHEN SHE GETS MAD.

I CAN'T STAND THAT.

I CAN'T STAND THAT,
WHEN WOMEN GET SO EMOTIONAL,

THEY START SINGING
WHEN THEY GET MAD.

[speaking tonally]
"YOU AIN'T GON' DO SHIT, NIGGA.

"YOU AIN'T GON' DO SHIT.

"YOU AINT' GON' DO SHIT.

"YOU AIN'T GON' DO IT.

YOU--AIN'T--GON'--
DO SHIT."

[laughter]

YOU JUST GOTTA SIT THERE

WITH THE "YOU AIN'T
GONNA DO SHIT" FACE.

[laughter]

THAT'S THE FACE THAT SAY
YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' LEFT.

[laughter]

THAT'S WHAT
WOMEN DO.

WOMEN, YOU PLAY MIND GAMES.

STOP FORGIVING MEN
FOR STUFF,

AND AFTER YOU FORGIVE THEM,

THEN FORGET
THAT YOU FORGAVE THEM,

AND TALK ABOUT THE SHIT THAT
YOU ALREADY FORGAVE THEM FOR,

AND GET MAD ABOUT IT.

STOP DOING THAT.

IF YOU FORGAVE HIM,
FORGIVE HIM.

THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN BEING
A MAN THAT MESSED UP IN THE PAST

AND YOU TRYING
TO CORRECT YOURSELF,

BUT YOUR WOMAN KEEP
BRINGING THE PAST UP.

SO NOW EVERY TIME
YOU TELL THE TRUTH,

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU LYIN',
AND WHEN YOU LYIN',

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
TELLING THE TRUTH.

I WAS AT THE POINT
IN MY RELATIONSHIP

WHERE I'M AFRAID FOR MY WIFE
TO HEAR ME HAVE FUN.

I BE TRYING
TO SHUT FUN DOWN.

LIKE WHEN SHE'S NOT AROUND,
AND SHE CALLS ME,

I GET MAD AT MY FRIENDS.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!
EVERYBODY SHUT UP!

"LOOK!

"PUT YOUR SEATBELTS ON.
BUCKLE UP.

"PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS.

"LOOK SAFE.

[laughter]

"LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD
UNTIL WE FIGURE THIS OUT.

SHE'S CRAZY."

[laughter]

THAT'S WHAT WOMEN DO.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU
HOW YOU CAN TELL A BATTERED MAN.

WANNA KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELL
A MAN HAS BEEN

THROUGH SO MUCH EMOTIONALLY?

WHEN YOU SPEAK TO HIM--
WHENEVER YOU SPEAK TO A MAN,

AND HE STARTS TALKING
ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP

WITHOUT YOU ASKING
ANYTHING ABOUT IT,

THAT'S A BATTERED MAN.

AS SOON AS YOU MEET HIM,
"HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?"

"MY WIFE AND I
GO CAMPING EVERY WEEK."

"WHAT?"

"SHE LIKES CHEERIOS TOO."

WHAT ARE YOU --

[laughter]

HE'S BATTERED.

HE THINKS THAT YOU'RE
ONE OF HER FRIENDS,

AND SHE SENT YOU
TO COME TALK TO HIM.

HE THINKS IT'S A SETUP.

HE'S SO CRAZY, HE'S THINKING
FIVE STEPS AHEAD OF YOU,

'CAUSE HE DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S WHAT.

[laughter]

I'M JUST BEING
HONEST WITH Y'ALL.

I'M TELLING Y'ALL THINGS
THAT REALLY GO ON.

TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE, FELLAS:

KNOW WHEN
TO FIGHT YOUR WOMAN

AND WHEN NOT
TO FIGHT YOUR WOMAN.

OKAY, WHENEVER
YOU'RE IN A CAR,

DON'T FIGHT YOUR WOMAN.

NOT WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING.

REASON WHY IS BECAUSE
YOUR FACE IS OPEN, OKAY?

[laughter]

YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY DEFENSE.

I'M TELLING
YOU GUYS FROM--

I'M TELLING YOU GUYS FROM--
FROM MY PAST.

I'M TELLING YOU ABOUT THINGS
I WENT THROUGH, OKAY?

YOU DON'T WANT
TO DO IT.

THIS IS WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT
MY LADY WAS CRAZY.

WE WAS ON A HIGHWAY,
AND SHE HIT ME.

FIRST OF ALL,
ANYBODY THAT HITS YOU

WHEN YOU'RE ON THE EXPRESSWAY
OF ANY KIND

DON'T CARE ABOUT THEY LIFE.

LET'S GET THAT OUT.

WE'RE ON THE HIGHWAY,
WE'RE COMING FROM AN EVENT.

YOU KNOW, MY KID'S
IN THE BACK SEAT.

AND WE ARGUING.

I'M LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

"YOU DON'T RESPECT ME
AS A MAN.

"TILL YOU RESPECT ME AS A MAN,
WE GONNA ALWAYS HAVE PROBLEMS.

"THAT'S WHY
WE FIGHT SO MUCH.

"HONESTLY, I'M THINKING
ABOUT PUTTING MY HANDS ON YOU.

"KEEP ON, AND I'M GONNA
SHOW YOU WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.

'CAUSE YOU'RE STUPID,
AND YOU ACT--"

[thudding]

[laughter]

OH, OH!

[laughter]

I'VE NEVER BEEN
SO AFRAID FOR MY LIFE, DUDE.

SHE TRIED TO KILL ME!

I LOOKED IN THE BACK,
MY DAUGHTER WAS LIKE...

[speaking gibberish]

[laughter]

DONE TURNED MY BABY
AGAINST ME AND EVERYTHING.

YOU GOTTA KNOW.

YOU GOTTA KNOW YOUR WOMAN.

FELLAS, DON'T BE AFRAID
TO BE A MAN, FELLAS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU GOIN'
THROUGH IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

DON'T BE AFRAID
TO BE A MAN.

STOP BEING YES-MEN.
NO WOMAN WANTS A YES-MAN.

DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER

BECAUSE YOU AGREE
WITH YOUR WOMAN ALL THE TIME.

IT'S NOT GONNA MAKE
YOUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER.

IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING YES
ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME.

"HUH?
YEAH.

[laughter]

"YEAH, YEAH, WHAT DO YOU NEED?
YEAH, I'LL GET IT.

"YEAH.
HUH? YEAH.

"YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.

"NO, NO, YEAH, I'LL GO NOW.
YEAH, I'LL GET IT.

"WHAT DO YOU NEED?

"YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, YEAH, YEAH.

"I'LL PICK IT UP.

"YEAH.
WHAT?

"NO, I JUST LEFT.
YOU WANT ME TO GO BACK?

YEAH, I'LL GO BACK."

[laughter]

FAG, FUCKING GET SOME BALLS.

BE A MAN.

ARGUE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU
IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR.

YOU'RE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
TO ARGUE.

THAT'S WHAT MEN
ARE THERE FOR.

WE ARGUE.

EVEN WHEN YOU WRONG, ARGUE.

I'VE BEEN CAUGHT
RED-HANDED SEVERAL TIMES.

ARGUE.

YOU WANNA KNOW HOW YOU WIN
EVERY SINGLE ARGUMENT?

BE LOUD.
THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO.

WOMEN CAN'T HANDLE THAT.

WOMEN CAN'T HANDLE WHEN A MAN'S
VOICE GETS PAST A CERTAIN LEVEL.

THEY BREAK DOWN.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I'VE BEEN CAUGHT.

JUST MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.

AND AFTER YOU SAY IT,
WALK OUT.

YOU CAN'T STICK AROUND.
YOU GOTTA--

[laughter]

IF YOU STICK AROUND,
YOU GIVE THEM A CHANCE

TO COME BACK
AND CONFUSE YOU.

SAY YOUR POINT,
GET THE FUCK OUT THE ROOM.

GO!

[laughter]

"KEVIN, I SAW YOU!

"I SAW YOU, KEVIN!
I SAW THE BITCH IN YOUR CAR!

"YOU GONNA TELL ME
I DIDN'T SEE YOU?

I SAW THAT BITCH IN YOUR CAR!"

"MAN, SHUT UP!
SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN!

"EVERY TIME
I COME IN THE HOUSE,

"YOU GOT
THE MICROWAVE ON HIGH.
FUCK YOU!"

WALK OUT.
BAM.

[laughter]

BUT YOU CAN'T
GIVE HER NO CHANCE.

SHE JUST GONNA
BE STANDING THERE LIKE, "WHAT?"

[laughter]

"I THOUGHT HE LIKED IT
WHEN I USED THE MICROWAVE.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM OR WHAT
HE WANTS FROM ME ANYMORE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME,
WE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT

OVER A GIRAFFE.

I SWEAR TO GOD,
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT MONEY.

YOU KNOW,
SHE WAS MAD AT ME.

SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE SPENDING
TOO MUCH MONEY.

"I'M TIRED OF YOU
GOING OUT TO THESE CLUBS,

"SPENDING ALL THIS MONEY
ON ALL YOUR LITTLE GIRLS.

THAT MONEY NEEDS
TO BE SPENT ON YOUR FAMILY."

I WAS LIKE, "SHUT UP, DON'T TELL
ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY MONEY.

"IT'S MY MONEY.

IF I WANNA GO BUY A GIRAFFE,
I'LL GO BUY A DAMN GIRAFFE."

I WAS TRYING
TO BE A SMART ASS.

I'M BEING A SMART ASS,
I'M THINKING IT'S OVER.

OUT OF NOWHERE, SHE WAS LIKE,
"YOU AIN'T GONNA BUY

NO GIRAFFE IN THIS HOUSE."

THAT'S WHEN I LOST IT.

"UH, I BET I DO

"BUY A DAMN GIRAFFE
IN THIS HOUSE!

"TELL ME I WON'T BUY
NO DAMN GIRAFFE.

"I'LL GO ON
WWW.GETAGIRAFFE.COM RIGHT NOW

"AND HAVE THAT GIRAFFE
HERE TOMORROW.

"TEACH THAT GIRAFFE HOW
TO HEAD BUTT THE FUCK OUT YOU.

TELL ME I WON'T GET
NO GIRAFFE."

I TRIED TO GET ONE.
YOU CAN'T GET THEM.

IT'S HARD
TO GET A GIRAFFE.

[laughter]
IT IS.

I SWEAR I WAS GONNA HAVE THAT
GIRAFFE RIGHT OUTSIDE MY HOUSE,

JUST WALKING IT.

[laughter]

JUST WALKING MY GIRAFFE.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW THE MOVE
THAT YOU CAN'T EVER FALL FOR?

"ALL I GOTTA DO."
YOU EVER HEAR THAT SHIT?

"ALL I GOTTA DO IS..."

I FELL FOR THAT SHIT
ONE TIME.

'CAUSE WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

"ALL I GOTTA DO
IS CRIMP MY HAIR."

WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE FUCK A CRIMP IS.

"OH, THAT'S IT?"
THAT'S WHAT WE JUST DO.

"OH, OKAY, YEAH, ALL RIGHT."

[laughter]

JUST A DUMB ASS MAN.
"YEAH, COOL, ALL RIGHT."

BEEN IN THE BATHROOM
FIVE DAMN DAYS.

"I THOUGHT
YOU HAD TO CRIMP IT."

"THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!"

THEN THEY FLIP IT
ON YOU.

YOU EVER HAVE A WOMAN
FLIP IT ON YOU?

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WAS GONNA BE QUICK."

"WELL, I CAN'T DO IT
IF YOU IN MY FACE!

LET ME DO IT!"

"ALL RIGHT, YEAH,
ALL RIGHT, COOL.

LET'S GO OUT.
I'LL LET YOU CRIMP IT, SORRY."

[laughter]

JUST TELLING YOU
WHAT I KNOW.

THIS IS FROM EXPERIENCE.

BUT WOMEN,
AT THE SAME TIME,

YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND
YOUR MAN.

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHEN
TO LEAVE YOUR MAN ALONE.

MEN GIVE SIGNS JUST LIKE
WOMEN GIVE SIGNS.

IF YOUR HUSBAND
OR YOUR BOYFRIEND

DRIVES A MINIVAN,
LEAVE HIM ALONE.

[laughter]

ANY MAN THAT DRIVES A MINIVAN
DOES NOT CARE ABOUT LIFE.

HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
HE DON'T.

EVERY TIME HE SLIDE
THAT LONG-ASS DOOR CLOSED,

HE IS CURSING YOU THE FUCK OUT
IN HIS MIND.

"STUPID-ASS BITCH GOT ME DRIVING
A GOD DAMN AMBULANCE.

"SIT DOWN!
SIT THE HELL DOWN!

"THOMAS, EAT ANOTHER BOOGER
OFF THAT WINDSHIELD,

"I'LL KILL YOU.

I HATE MY LIFE."

[laughter]

I'LL TELL YOU
THE REAL SIGN.

LIKE, IF YOU MAN WEARS
SWEATPANTS WITH NO POCKETS,

THAT'S A SIGN.

ANY MAN THAT DOESN'T HAVE
POCKETS DON'T CARE ABOUT LIFE.

YOU EVER GO A DAY
WITHOUT POCKETS?

THINK ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT
YOUR POCKETS ARE.

THAT MEANS YOU DON'T CARE
ABOUT CHANGE, RECEIPTS,

YOUR WALLET,
YOU DON'T CARE.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

TRY TO GET A MAN THAT DON'T HAVE
POCKETS TO WEAR POCKETS.

WATCH HOW MAD HE GET.

I TRIED TO GET MY DAD
TO WEAR POCKETS ONE TIME.

WE WAS GOING TO CHURCH.

I WAS LIKE, "DAD, COME ON, MAN,
WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH.

PUT SOME PANTS
WITH POCKETS ON."

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK
I NEED POCKETS FOR?

SHE TOOK EVERYTHING!"

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT.

YOU CAN USE MY POCKETS, DAD.

THIS NIGGA'S CRAZY,
HE DONE LOST HIS GOD DAMN MIND,

HE'S GONNA SNAP ON ME
ABOUT POCKETS.

[laughter]

YOU GOT THAT FAMILY REUNION
LAUGH RIGHT THERE.

[laughs obnoxiously]

SOUNDS LIKE HE--LIKE HE'S
GARGLING BEER RIGHT NOW.

[bellows deeply]

THAT'S HOW
THEM THUG DUDES BE.

YOU EVER SEE A THUG DUDE
WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO LAUGH?

THEY'RE LIKE,
"HUH-HUH-HUH."

[laughter]

"CUZ, GET THE FUCK
OUT OF HERE.

"I AND TRYIN' TO LAUGH,
THAT SHIT IS STUPID.

HEY."

[laughter]

THEY JUST BE TRYING TO COVER
UP THEIR LAUGHS REAL QUICK.

"GO AHEAD, NIGGA,
AIN'T NOBODY COME HERE LAUGH--

[mumbles indistinctly]

[laughter]

"NOT THAT FUNNY, CUZ.
NOT THAT FUNNY.

TRYIN' TO KILL YOU, NIGGA.
KILL YOU."

[laughter]

I TALK ALL THIS STUFF
ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT,
I LIKE MINE THE WAY IT IS.

I DO.
I LIKE DRAMA.

I'M ATTRACTED
TO DRAMA.

LIKE, IF YOU'RE IN A
RELATIONSHIP, DRAMA'S GOOD.

I COULDN'T DEAL
WITH NO HAPPY WOMAN.

COULD YOU DEAL WITH HER IF SHE
WAS HAPPY ALL THE TIME?

EVERY TIME YOU COME HOME, SHE'S
GOT SOME HAPPY SHIT TO SAY?

THINK ABOUT IT.

AS SOON AS YOU WALK IN THE DOOR,
SHE'S JUST HAPPY.

SOON AS YOU COME HOME,
"OH, MY GOD, WHO'S HOME?

YOU ARE, YOU ARE!"

[laughter]

"TICKLE, TICKLE!
TICKLE, TICKLE!"

"SIT YOUR STUPID ASS DOWN.

[laughter]

"I GOT FIRED TODAY, YOU WANNA
TICKLE SOME-GODDAMN-BODY.

SIT DOWN!
STUPID ASS."

[laughter]

NOBODY WANNA DEAL
WITH THAT SHIT.

DRAMA.
TRYIN' TO STAB ME.

[laughter]

EVER HAVE ONE PULL
A KNIFE OUT ON YOU?

THAT'S SOME SEXY
SHIT RIGHT THERE.

"BITCH, PUT THE--
HEY, I'M NOT PLAYIN', NOW.

"PUT THE FUCKING KNIFE--
DO YOU THINK--

"HEY, DO IT AGAIN--

"OH!
YOU GOT ME.

"YEAH, THAT TIME,
YOU REALLY GOT THERE.

WE SHOULD GO
TO THE HOSPITAL."

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

I DON'T LIKE
THE WHOLE DATING GAME, THOUGH.

THAT'S WHY I ACCEPT
MY SITUATION.

I SEE A BUNCH
OF COUPLES HERE NOW,

LIKE, Y'ALL JUST DATING.

I DON'T LIKE DATING.

YOU KNOW WHY
I DON'T LIKE DATING?

I TRY TO IMPRESS WOMEN
TOO MUCH, THAT'S MY PROBLEM.

I WENT OUT,
BOUGHT THIS BIG ASS TRUCK,

JUST TO TRY
AND IMPRESS WOMEN.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT EVERYBODY
LOOKS TALL IN A TRUCK, THOUGH.

LIKE, YOU DON'T NOTICE
SOMEBODY'S SMALL

UNTIL THEY GET OUT
OF THE TRUCK.

I HAD TO FIND OUT THE HARD WAY
BECAUSE I LIKE TO FLIRT.

I'M AT THE STOP LIGHT,
I SAW THIS GIRL,

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN, BABY,
YOU LOOK GOOD.

WHY DON'T YOU PULL OVER AND LET
ME TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?"

SHE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
HE KINDA CUTE."

HER AND HER GIRLFRIEND
HIGH-FIVE.

THEY WAS HAPPY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "GET OUT,
COME TALK TO ME."

AND I CAN'T
GET OUT MY TRUCK, RIGHT?

I GOTTA JUMP OUT.

[laughter]

BUT WHEN I JUMPED OUT,
I DIDN'T HAVE A GOOD LANDING.

I STUMBLED
A LITTLE BIT.

ALL I HEARD WAS "OH, MY GOD,
HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY KNEES."

AND THEY JUST--

[laughter]

THEY JUST PULLED--
THEY PULLED OFF.

I SAID "AIN'T THIS A BITCH?
I GOT KNEES."

IT WAS A BAD JUMP,
'CAUSE WHEN I LANDED,

I TWISTED MY ANKLE,
MY HEAD HIT THE WINDSHIELD.

I WAS TRYING
TO PULL MYSELF UP.

I CAN ADMIT THAT IT LOOKED
A LITTLE RETARDED.

BUT TO YELL OUT THAT I DON'T
HAVE KNEES IS SELFISH.

HOW DID I GET OUT THE TRUCK?
I DIDN'T ROLL OUT THE BITCH.

THAT'S WHY I HAD AN ATTITUDE.

[laughter]

I HAD ONE GIRL THAT HAD
ONE OF THOSE LAUGHS

THAT MAKE YOU STOP LAUGHING.

[laughter]

YOU EVER MEET
SOMEBODY LIKE THAT?

WITH A LAUGH THAT'S SO BAD

THAT YOU GOTTA STOP
HAVING A GOOD TIME?

'CAUSE IT WASN'T A LAUGH,
IT WAS A SNICKER/SNOUT.

SHE DID IT AT EVERYTHING.
STUFF THAT WASN'T EVEN FUNNY.

LIKE, WE WAS GOING
TO THE MOVIES.

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, BABE,
THERE'S A LONG LINE,

I'M GONNA GO PARK THE CAR,
WHY DON'T YOU GO WAIT IN LINE?"

SHE'S ALL, "ALL RIGHT,
I DON'T MIND."

[snorts rapidly]

AND I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT IT WAS AT FIRST

SO I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING.

I STILL HAD THE CAR ON.

I WAS LIKE, "THE CAR SHOULDN'T
SOUND LIKE THIS,

"'CAUSE IT'S A NEW CAR.

"I JUST GOT THIS CAR.

I BETTER NOT HAVE
NO DAMN PROBLEMS WITH THIS CAR."

I WAS LIKE "HEY, LOOK,
WHEN YOU GET OUT OF LINE,

GO GET SOME POPCORN
WITH A LOT OF BUTTER."

SHE SAID, "OH, MY GOD,
I LOVE BUTTER."

[snorts rapidly]

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY,
THAT WAS YOU THAT TIME.

"I SAW IT, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I MADE EYE CONTACT.

"I DON'T LIKE THAT.

"THAT IS NASTY,
'CAUSE IT SOUNDS

LIKE YOU'RE SWALLOWING
SNOT OR SOMETHING."

BUT THEN IT DAWNED ON ME
WHERE SHE GOT IT FROM,

'CAUSE I MET HER DAD
EARLIER THAT DAY.

HER DAD HAD ONE
OF THOSE LAUGHS--

I CALL IT
THE RICH WHITE GUY LAUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S A LAUGH THAT'S FOLLOWED
BY AN AWFUL JOKE.

THE JOKE DOESN'T
MAKE YOU LAUGH,

BUT THE LAUGH EVENTUALLY
MAKES YOU LAUGH.

WHEN HE FOUND OUT
THAT I WAS A COMEDIAN,

HE KEPT TRYING
TO TELL ME JOKES.

HE'S LIKE,
"OH, SO UH--

"SO YOU'RE A COMIC, RIGHT?

"OKAY.

"UM--
[laughter]

"UH, WELL,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

"ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

"I GOT A, UM--
I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU.

"YOU CAN KEEP IT
IF YOU WANT, I DON'T MIND.

[laughter]

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, YOU READY?

"ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

"ALL RIGHT, THIS IS CRAZY.
IT'S SO GOOD.

"ALL RIGHT,
SO I'M AT THE OFFICE,

"I'M AT THE OFFICE,
I TELL THIS GUY,

"I SAID TO HIM--
WHAT DID I--

"WAIT,
WHAT DID I SAY?

"WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.

[laughter]

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I GOT IT, OKAY.

"SO I'M AT THE OFFICE, RIGHT?
I'M AT THE OFFICE.

"AND, UH, I TELL THIS GUY,
I SAID TO HIM,

"I SAID 'HEY, UH,
PASS ME THE STAPLER,

"BUT WHEN YOU PASS IT,
MAKE SURE STAPLES ARE IN IT,

BECAUSE IF IT ISN'T,
I CAN'T STAPLE ANYTHING."

[laughter]

[laughs obnoxiously]

[laughter]

I DIDN'T WANT TO LAUGH,

BUT HE KEPT LOOKING RIGHT AT ME
WHILE HE WAS DOING IT.

[laughs obnoxiously]

[laughter]

HERE'S THE WEIRD THING.

LIKE, YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE
CLAP WHEN THEY LAUGH?

LIKE "AHH."
YOU KNOW THAT?

HE HAD A CLAP THAT HE
WOULD DO WITH HIS LAUGH,

BUT I NEVER KNEW
WHEN IT WAS COMING.

I COULDN'T TIME IT.

LIKE, YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES
YOU CAN TIME A CLAP?

I DIDN'T KNOW
WHEN THE CLAP WAS COMING,

SO IT WAS HARD
FOR ME TO PARTICIPATE

AND CLAP WITH HIM,
BECAUSE IT TOOK TOO LONG.

BUT HE WAS STILL
LOOKING AT ME THE WHOLE TIME.

HE'S LIKE...

[laughs obnoxiously]

[laughter]

[laughter]

THAT WAS, LIKE,
57 SECONDS RIGHT THERE.

I CAN'T WAIT
57 SECONDS.

THAT WAS
A LONG TIME AGO.

I HAD THIS
ONE TALL GIRL.

I DIDN'T EVEN CARE
THAT SHE WAS TALL.

BUT SHE WAS TALL AS SHIT.
SHE WAS A MODEL.

I DIDN'T EVEN CARE,
BECAUSE SHE MADE ME LAUGH.

WHEN YOU MAKE ME LAUGH,
THAT'S A BONUS,

'CAUSE IT'S MY JOB
TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

SO WHEN YOU MAKE ME LAUGH,
IT'S A TURN ON.

ONE DAY, SHE TRIED
TO MESS WITH ME MENTALLY.

WE IN THE SUPERMARKET, RIGHT?
I'M GOING TO GET SOME MILK.

NOW, NORMALLY, THEY PUT
MY MILK ON THE MIDDLE ROW.

[laughter]

FOR SOME REASON, THIS DAY,
IT WAS ON THE TOP ROW.

AND, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN
YOU CAN'T REACH SOMETHING,

HOW YOU START STRETCHING FOR IT,
LIKE, "AH."

BECAUSE I DON'T GET IT,
I WAS LIKE...

[groans]

SHE WAS LIKE,
"BABE, DON'T STRETCH YOURSELF.

LET ME GRAB IT FOR YOU."

AND I TURNED AROUND,

THERE WAS A BUNCH
OF PEOPLE IN THE AISLE

LOOKING AT HER
ABOUT TO GRAB MY MILK.

SO I GOT MAD
AND I PUNCHED HER IN THE RIB.

I WAS LIKE, "BITCH, DON'T BE
TRYING TO PLAY ME

IN FRONT OF THEM PEOPLE."

SHE WAS LIKE,
"I AIN'T TRYIN' TO PLAY YOU."

I WAS LIKE,
"YOU ARE TRYING TO PLAY ME.

"IF YOU WANT TO HELP ME,

"PICK ME UP
AND LET ME GRAB IT.

THAT'S HOW YOU HELP."
[laughter]

SHE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

'CAUSE I'M A THUG.
I'M A THUG FIRST.

[laughter]

ARE YOU GUYS DOUBLE DATING?

IT LOOKS LIKE
A DOUBLE DATE RIGHT HERE.

KINDA?

THAT'S GOOD.

I WOULD SAY DON'T DO IT
NO MORE THOUGH.

DON'T EVER DOUBLE DATE.

YOU KNOW WHY
YOU SHOULDN'T DOUBLE DATE?

'CAUSE YOU COMPETE
WITH THE OTHER COUPLE.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
YOU COMPETING.

I'M TELLING YOU,
YOU COMPETE.

I'LL SHOW YOU RIGHT NOW.

IF I'M WRONG,
TELL ME I'M WRONG.

LET'S SAY YOU LEAN OVER,
YOU GIVE YOUR GIRL A KISS.

REAL INNOCENT.
"MWAH, LOVE YOU, BABE."

FIRST THING SHE GONNA DO
IS LOOK AT HIM.

SHE'S LIKE,
"MM, MUST BE NICE."

[laughter]

NOW YOU'RE COMPETING.

NOW, THE ONLY WAY
YOU CAN WIN

IS TO SUCK HER TITTY
RIGHT HERE.

YOU GOTTA DO IT.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY.

YOU GOTTA PULL
YOUR TITTY OUT RIGHT NOW.

[sucking sounds]
THAT'S IT.

[laughter]

BUT WOMEN,
Y'ALL DISCUSS PERSONAL BUSINESS,

AND THAT PERSONAL
STUFF COME OUT.

IT COME OUT, LIKE,
WHEN Y'ALL--

WHEN Y'ALL ARGUING.

Y'ALL ALL
AT DINNER ONE NIGHT,

AND YOU'RE HAVING
A GOOD TIME.

THEN ONE DAY
YOU GET MAD.

YOU'RE LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHELLE?

"I HATE YOU, MICHELLE.

"YOU COME OUT ALL THE TIME,
YOU GET DRUNK,

YOU MESS UP
THE WHOLE NIGHT."

YOU BE LIKE, "WHATEVER,
FUCK YOU, TARIQ.

AT LEAST
I DON'T EAT ASS."

YOU BE LIKE, "WHAT?

WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"OH, YOU DON'T EAT ASS?

ERICA, HE DON'T EAT ASS."

[laughter]

NOW YOU GOTTA PUT HER
ON THE SPOT.

"YOU TOLD HIM
I EAT ASS?"

"EVERYBODY WAS TALKING.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT WOULD
COME OUT LIKE THIS."

NOW YOU GOTTA SIT THERE
WITH THE "YOU ATE ASS" FACE.

[laughter]

THAT'S THE
"YOU JUST ATE ASS" FACE.

[laughter]

CONVERSATION'S BEEN OVER,
BUT SHE'S STILL MAD.

"FIRST OF ALL, ALL THE TIMES
I ATE YOUR ASS

"WAS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

"LET'S GET THAT
OUT THE WAY.

"NO, NO, NO, YOU WANNA TALK
ABOUT IT, LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.

"I DIDN'T GET YOU SHIT,
YOU SAID EAT YOUR ASS.

"I WAS LIKE, 'COOL,'
SO I ATE YOUR ASS.

"DON'T MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE I'M OUT HERE

"JUST EATING YOUR ASS
EVERY DAY.

"SITTIN' HERE PUSHING
MY DRINK TO THE SIDE,

"LIKE I GOT
THE SHIT MOUTH.

"FUCK Y'ALL, MAN!

"I BET THERE WON'T BE NO MORE
ASS EATING UP IN HERE.

"I BET THAT.
I BET--

[laughter]

THAT'S YOUR LAST
ASS-EATING INCIDENT."

[laughter]

NOTHING FUNNIER
THAN PEOPLE'S PERSONAL PROBLEMS

COMING OUT
IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

THAT'S THE FUNNIEST
THING EVER TO ME,

WHEN PEOPLE'S
PERSONAL PROBLEMS

GET BROUGHT TO LIGHT
IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS GOTTA ACT
LIKE YOU AIN'T HEAR IT.

[laughter]

YOU EVER HEAR
ANOTHER COUPLE ARGUE,

LIKE, YOU HEAR
SOME WEIRD SHIT?

YOU NEVER HEARD
SOME WEIRD SHIT?

"WHATEVER, BITCH,
YOU THE ONE WITH THE DILDOS

ALL UP THERE
IN THE HOUSE!"

[laughter]

YOU BE AT THE DINNER TABLE,
LIKE...

[laughter]

YOU TRY TO WHISPER IT
TO YOUR LADY.

[high-pitched voice]
"SHE GOT DILDOS
IN THE HOUSE?

[laughter]

"THIS BITCH IS CRAZY.

SHE GOT DILDOS
ALL UP IN THE HOUSE."

[laughter]

I THINK THAT'S THE FUNNIEST
STUFF IN THE WORLD, MAN,

OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS.

THERE'S NOTHING FUNNIER
THAN OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS.

OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS.

I REMEMBER ME AND MY BOY
GOT INTO IT ONE DAY,

BECAUSE I TOLD HIM
I DIDN'T THINK HIS BABY

WAS WHERE SHE WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE MENTALLY.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM.

[laughter]

I DID.
I TOLD HIM THAT.

I SAID "I THINK YOU MIGHT
HAVE A DUMB BABY.

"IT'S A CHANCE...

[laughter]

THAT YOUR BABY
MIGHT BE DUMB."

BUT I FELT LIKE,
ME, AS YOUR FRIEND,

I SHOULD BE ABLE
TO TELL YOU THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, "I'M YOUR FRIEND,
SO MY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

SHOULD BE GOOD
CRITICISM TO YOU."

BUT HE GOT MAD.

HE'S LIKE, "WHATEVER, MY BABY'S
SMARTER THAN YOURS."

I WAS LIKE, "BET MONEY."
HE WAS LIKE, "BET?"

I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT YOU WANNA DO?"

HE WAS LIKE,
"LET'S SIT THEM IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE FLOOR AND SEE
WHICH BABY

CAN HOLD THEIR HEAD UP
THE LONGEST."

I WAS LIKE,
"OH, SHIT."

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, MY BABY
GOT A PROBLEM, RIGHT?

BUT I CAN'T BACK DOWN.
I WAS LIKE, "BET, BITCH."

SO WE PUT OUR BABIES
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR.

AND THEY WAS GOING AT IT.

[laughter]

MY WAS SON WAS LIKE...

[babbles]

AND HIS BABY WAS LOOKING
AT MY SON,

SO HIS BABY GOT DIZZY
AND FELL.

I WAS LIKE,
"LOOK AT THAT DUMB-ASS BABY."

I DIDN'T KICK HIS BABY,

I JUST MOVED HIS BABY
AWAY FROM MY BABY.

I DIDN'T WANT THAT
DUMB STUFF TO WEAR OFF.

[laughter]

HEY, Y'ALL HAVE BEEN
A GREAT CROWD, MAN.

MY NAME IS KEVIN HART.

THANK YOU ALL.
I APPRECIATE IT.

LOVE IT.
I SHOULD SEE--

[cheers and applause]

HEY, SEE IF I CAN
GET MY BABIES.

SEE IF MY BABIES ARE UP
BEFORE I GO.

I'M GONNA SHOW Y'ALL MY BABIES
BEFORE I GO.

[applause]

JUST ACT LIKE
I LEFT ALREADY.

I JUST WANT Y'ALL
TO SEE MY KIDS.

SEE IF MY SON COME OUT HERE
SHAKING HIS HEAD.

[laughter]

I'M GONNA SEE.
DON'T MOVE.

Y'ALL STAY RIGHT HERE
FOR A SECOND.

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

[crowd awws]

[applause]

[cheers and applause]

LOOK HOW NOSEY MY SON IS.
LOOK AT HIM.

NO SMILE OR NOTHIN'.

HE ANGRY.
JUST LOOK AT HIM.

SMILE, MAN.

JUST SMILE ONE TIME.

STOP--
COME ON, NOW!

[laughter]

DO THE THING DADDY
TOLD YOU TO DO NOW.

YEAH, OKAY, THAT'S COOL.

[cheers and applause]
THAT'S CLOSE.

HEAVEN, SAY HI.

TURN AROUND.
LET THEM SEE YOUR FACE.

STOP.

[laughter]

SAY HI.
THERE GO THE MICROPHONE.

JUST SAY HI.

SAY HI.
- NO.

[laughter]

ANYWAY, THIS IS JUST
SO Y'ALL CAN SEE

THAT WHAT I TELL
IS THE TRUTH.

I REALLY APPRECIATE
THE LOVE AND SUPPORT.

AND CONTINUE, Y'ALL.

IT'S REALLY GOING
GOOD FOR ME RIGHT--

IT'S REALLY GOING GOOD
FOR ME RIGHT NOW.

AND I REALLY, GENUINELY
APPRECIATE THE SUPPORT.

ONCE AGAIN,
MY NAME'S KEVIN HART.

I LOVE Y'ALL.
TAKE IT EASY.

[cheers and applause]

[groovy electronic music]

♪ ♪