All language subtitles for Is Your Honeymoon Really Necessary Copy

- They're on time. Precisely.
- He always was.

What a guy.

I don't seem to have heard of him.

You would have if you'd got
the lead out of your pants.

- Is that the way you address an officer?
- Oh, pardon me.

If you don't get
the lead out of your pants, sir.

That is not a proper salute.

Stay here by the car.

- Commander Vining, sir?
- That's right, Lieutenant.

- A car is waiting for you, sir.
- Oh, thanks.

Oh, this is my wife, Lieutenant.
Mrs Vining.

- Welcome to England, Mrs Vining.
- Thank you, Lieutenant.

Do I have to salute back?

No, honey. Just flutter your eyelashes
and he's all yours.

- May I take your coat, sir?
- Oh, thanks.

Uh, put this
with Commander Vining's luggage.

- MAN: Aye-aye, sir.
- You were lucky to get in, sir.

We've had fog warning.

We expect to be closed in
within the hour.

Wouldn't you know it?
When I left here in '47 there was a fog.

-İsn't the same one, is it?
- Well, I wouldn't know, sir.

- I've only been here since '49.
- Oh.

Why, Hank, you old son of a gun!

Hey, Skip!

(IMITATING AIRCRAFT)

64 Wing, here we go.

- Berlin, Rome and Tok-y-o.
- Do we want 'em?

BOTH: Hell, no!

What we want is G-I-R-L-S.

Dames!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

If you two boys want to be alone...

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
This is my old buddy, Hank Hanlon.

- Hank, my wife.
- Hello, Hank.

So you've done it again, you old mook.

- Well, you learned to pick 'em now.
- Why, thank you, Hank.

You should've seen his first wife,
Mrs Vining.

What was her name now? Candy. That's...

Well, I don't think we need
to go into all that right now.

Come on, darling, let's get going.

Gee, just as it was
getting interesting, too.

- Not to me, it wasn't.
- Oh!

Kit's all aboard, sir.

All right, thank you, Lieutenant,
and goodbye.

- Get moving.
- Hey, Lieutenant.

- Yes, what is it?
- Don't look now,

but you're rank's showing.

Well, well, well.

So you've done it again.
Since when was this?

Don't laugh. Since this morning.

(LAUGHING) What do you know? Amateurs.

It was going to be next month,

but when this job came up
I just couldn't let him get away.

I don't trust these Naval men
with English girls.

It's all right, lady,
he got caught by one last time.

- Oh, that Candy.
- You know something, darling?

I just can't get over running into
old Hank again, after all these years.

- Some coincidence, huh?
-Isn't it?

(HORN HONKING)

- Pretty.
- You certainly are.

- Where we staying, Hank?
- Oh, they fixed you up good.

One of them luxury joints
in Grosvenor Square.

Oh, sounds pretty good.

It's a lot better than that dump you had
with Candy.

I'll always remember...

Look, darling, a real old English pub.
Look, see?

That Candy.

I'll never forget that day
you carried her over the threshold.

Did he really do that? How romantic.

Romantic? Nothing. She was cock-eyed.
What a dame. I wanna tell you...

Oh, look, darling, a church.
Isn't it pretty?

GILLIAN: Oh.
That's the one thing I regret, darling.

Not having that church wedding.

That Candy. What a gal!

Remember how she turned up
at the wedding

with four of her ex-boyfriends?

Oh, what an interesting wedding.
Did one of them give her away?

No. They could have,
but they all kept their mouths shut.

Get it?

- What a gal!
- Oh, darling, look! Cows.

Genuine old English cows. Look.

They didn't look any different
from the cows back home.

Oh, there's a lot of difference.

Why, over here they have
some of the finest breeds in the world.

The Jerseys, the Shorthorns,
the Corgis, the...

- Darling, must we talk about cows?
- Oh, that reminds me, Skip.

I saw a picture of Candy in the paper,
modelling or something.

- Fashion model? Must be pretty.
- Oh, yeah. Good shape, all right.

Whoever put her together should've been
president of the Meat Packers' Union.

What do you say, Skip?

- I say let's talk about something else.
- Okay, okay.

(LAUGHS) Remember that time
down in Brighton on the beach?

We're sitting next to a fuddy old dame,
see, up comes Candy,

and she really had a shape
for a bathing suit, this gal.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Pleased to meet you, Commander Vining.

I'm Captain Noakes, billeting officer.

I want to see that everything's ready
for the Commander.

Yes, sir.
I've got this bedroom ready for them.

It's quiet
and they won't be disturbed so much.

What do you mean?

They've only just been married,
haven%they?

Oh, I see.

Are you married, Captain?

- Yes, of course I am. Why?
- Nothing.

What has whether I'm married or not
got anything to do with you, anyway?

- Plenty. I'm still single.
- Well, that doesn't exactly surprise me.

(CAR HONKING)

That's them.
Now get this stuff out of here.

Make yourself look a bit respectable.

- Hey, is that where we're going to live?
- Yep, that's it.

Gosh, you boys really do yourselves well
over here.

Do you mind, darling?
It's an old family custom.

Oh, yes, I forgot.
You always carry them in, don't you?

No cracks out of you.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(WOLF WHISTLE)

I'm Commander Vining.
You have a reservation for me?

Commander Vining, your apartment's
number 15 on the fifth floor.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

- Honey.
- Oh, honey, look.

Oh, it's out of order.
Have to use the stairs.

Oh, but it's five floors.
And how far can this tradition thing go?

As far as I can carry you, darling.

(WOLF WHISTLE)

That's better.
They should be here any minute now.

You just stand there.

- How am I doing, darling?
- Fine, darling.

There's only three more to go.

Taking their time, aren't they?

Probably stopped to have a chat
with the Admiral.

Are you sure you feel all right, honey?

(PANTING) Oh, yeah, fine. Just fine.

Never mind,
there's only one more to go.

GILLIAN: Ooh!

You don't suppose
nothing could've happened to them?

Well, honey, I made it.

Honey, you really deserve a kiss
for that.

(CLEARS THROAT) Welcome, Commander.

Nothing wrong with Mrs Vining,
is there, sir?

No, thank you, Captain. She's all right.

Tired, darling?
Funny, I feel as fresh as a daisy.

That's very funny.
You know you're putting on weight.

Uh, this is Lucy, Mrs Vining.

She's gonna take care of you
as long as you're here.

- Oh, how nice. Hello, Lucy.
- Good evening, madam.

I expect you and the Commander
would like to go straight to your room.

There's no hurry. But we would like
to see the flat if it's all right.

- And I'll help a lot.
- That's fine.

- Thank you very much, Captain.
- And I'll be saying good night,

-and I'll do anything at all, Commander.
- Thank you.

- Thank you, Captain.
- Anything at all, Commander.

Yes, thank you. Good night, Captain.

That's the kitchen, madam.

Oh, darling,
it's perfectly lovely, isn't it?

- Mmm-hmm, not bad.
- And there's a little bar, sir.

I don't suppose you want to be bothered
with the kitchen.

- This is the bathroom.
- Uh-huh.

There's a shower
for them that likes a shower,

and a bath for them that likes a bath.

Well, I like a shower.
But I think Laurie likes a bath.

This is the guestroom.

I don't suppose
you'll want to be bothered with guests.

I guess not.

And then you've got a dressing room here

which connects up with
the bedroom, then.

And this is your bedroom.

(assume)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(IMITATING LUCY)

What is so funny about the bedroom?

I guess she's seen too many
honeymoon movies, darling.

(SCREAMS)

Well, I haven't seen too many movies.
What happens now?

- Don't you remember?
- Nope.

We unpack.

Are you really my wife?

- Yep. 15 bucks.
- And cheap at the price.

Pretty ritzy lay out, huh?

Only one trouble with it.
It's too crowded.

Oh, I'll have that one now, please.

Yep. It's a real honeymoon hotel.

- Mmm-hmm, and this must be the lobby.
- Yeah.

Wouldn't that Candy
be crazy about this place?

She used to go for swell apartments.
I wanna tell you something...

Hank, there's something
I wanna say to you.

- Yeah?
- Good night.

- Where are you going?
- I'm not going anywhere. You are.

No, I ain't, I've... Oh, I get it.
You wanna be alone.

What ever gave you an idea like that?

- Well, I can take a hint.
- That's fine. Good night, Hank.

Good night, Mrs Vining.

Look, be a good fellow

and see if you can rustle up
some champagne for us.

And please see that we're not disturbed
by anybody for the rest of the evening.

-Including you.
- That's all right, Skip,

- I got a drinking date.
- Good.

And please,
please don't talk about Candy.

Who wants to talk about her?

Now, let's see, where were we?
Oh, yes, I remember.

- Laurie, stop it.
- Okay.

- Well...
- You need a shave.

- You know, you're right.
- And I'm gonna get under that shower.

(WHISTLING)

Oh, gosh, would you believe it?

I've only worn them once
and I've got another ladder.

(WHISTLING)

Laurie, what are you doing?

Huh? Oh. Just an old habit.
I always roll 'em this way.

- I'll have to learn to do that for you.
- That's a funny thing.

That's the one thing
she did do right for me.

Darling, I know
you hate talking about it,

but just for the record, what went wrong
with your first marriage?

Well, the only way I can figure it

is as far as she was concerned
I had just two faults:

everything I said and everything I did.

(LAUGHS) I'll remember that.

TONY: Perfect, Candy. Perfect.
Just what I wanted.

No, no, no. No, hold it. Hold it.

That's right.

- You didn't tell me you were married.
- Well, who says I am?

- Why, it's in all the papers.
- What?

"Commander Vining, U.S. Navy,

"famous war time ace, arrives back
in England today on a special mission.

"Commander Vining was married in 1946
to Candy Markham,

"well-known fashion model."

Hey, what are you doing?
I haven't taken it yet.

- Sorry, Tony. I have to go.
- Go? You can't go. Let him wait.

- Oh, no, I'm sorry. This is important.
- No, but, Candy...

- I'll see you on Monday.
- That's all very well, Candy,

but listen, I can't let you go
like this. Candy, don't...

Drink's up. Come and get it.

Wow!

You know, during the war
I used to cut things like you

out of Esquire
and paste them on the walls.

Aw, too bad, darling.

Now you have to make do
with all the same wallpaper from now on.

Mmm, but what a pattern.

- Love me?
- Mmm... Yes.

I love me, too. I mean, I love you.

(DOOR OPENS)

Did you want something
or are you just a spectator?

Oh, no, sir.
I just came to say I'm going off.

Oh, too bad.

I'll be here at 8:00 in the morning.

- Well, good night, madam.
- Good night, Lucy.

Good night, sir.

(assume)

You know, that girl
should have worked for King Solomon.

Every night a giggle.

What about that drink you promised me?

Well, I guess I better make this
a 64 Wing loving cup.

- What's that for goodness sake?
- I'll show you.

First of all you link drinking arms
with me like so.

Mmm-hmm.

Then we put our cheeks
very close together like so.

Yes, and then?

- Then we forget all about the drinks.
- HANK: Hey, Skip.

I forgot to tell you.

- Oh.
- What?

Admiral Fields will be back soon
after 9:00. He wants you to call him.

- Tonight?
- Yeah. Flat two, first floor.

Okay, okay.

- Hank.
- Yeah?

- Are you going now?
- Huh?

(WITH EMPHASIS) Are you going now?

Yeah, as soon as I grab a snack
out of the icebox.

Oh, that's a pity,
I'm sorry you have to go so soon.

Well, I don't have to go.

- I'll stay here and keep you company...
- No, no, no, thanks, Hank.

I appreciate it, but I wouldn't dream

-of interfering with your social plans.
- I don't mind.

- No, thanks.
- It's no trouble.

While you're at it, get good and drunk,
will you? Good night.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

- Can I get you a sandwich?
- Mmm-mmm. I'm not hungry.

- More champagne then?
- Not just now, darling.

No champagne? No sandwich? What then?

Darling, would you mind very much
if I went to my room now?

Oh, no.
You stay here and have a cigarette.

I won't be more than half an hour.

But, darling,
a half an hour, that's a lifetime.

(WHISTLING)

Hello, Exchange? How are you all?

Me too. Good night.

(DOOR BELL BUZZING)

Why, Hank!

Psst. Psst.

- What are you doing here? I...
- Shh!

-(WHISPERING) I thought you'd gone.
-(WHISPERING) Are you alone?

- Yes, why?
- Well, you ain't any longer.

- What are you talking about?
- She's here.

- Who's here?
- Mrs Vining

- I know that.
- I know you know that.

But it's not that one,
it's the other one.

- Which other one?
- Candy, stupid.

- What do you mean... Candy!
- Shh...

- I don't believe it.
- Neither did I.

But I opened the door
and there she was as large as life.

- What do I do?
- What do you do?

What do I do, you mean.

Look, Hank,
you've got to get her out of here.

I don't care how you do it
but you've got to get her out.

- HANK: But how?
- Bolt the door.

- That's it. Bolt the door.
- Okay.

- How did you get in here?
- Through the door.

- I'll bust you for this.
- Me?

Oh, calm down, Laurie, it's bad
for your blood pressure. Remember?

Now, you get out of here,
get out of here this minute.

Oh, darling.

But you don't understand,
I'm on my honeymoon.

No kidding, you really are married?

- Yes.
- Yeah, it happened this morning.

Well, congratulations!
I hope you'll both be very happy.

(LAUGHING)

Well, it looks as though
I arrived in the nick of time.

Are you in for a shock!

Now, look, if you must talk,
please talk quietly. My wife's in there.

Correction, your wife is in here.
I'm your wife.

You seem to forget I divorced you
in 1947.

- So you said.
- Well, I re-married today. Got it?

- Yeah, I got it. You're a bigamist.
- Now I'm a bigamist.

The divorce you got in California
is invalid in England.

-Invalid?
- You know what that means?

Sure. Invalid?
That's somebody who's sick.

Yeah, and that will be you
if you don't shut up.

Now listen, Candy, I've divorced you
and now I'm re-married, see?

Yes, in California. But over here
you're still married to me.

You've got to get an English divorce
to make it all legal.

So you see?
He's not really married to her at all.

- Not here.
- What am I gonna do?

Well, you could start
by telling my wife-in-law.

- Yeah!
- Are you two crazy?

Why? She'd walk straight out on me.
And who could blame her.

Well, what are you gonna do?

- I don't know.
- Don't worry, Skip.

- We'll think of something.
- What with?

Yeah, what with.

Now don't start stripping.

Hey, Skip,
you remember that time in California,

the fellow who came up in the bar?

'Signals?
“Ship!

BOTH: Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
look out, buster, here we go!

Oh, no! Put me down! What are you...

Look after her.

Laurie.

(LAUGHING)

Candy, I appeal to your better nature,
please leave.

- No. I wanna stay and see all the fun.
- What fun?

Well, you should ask that,
with two wives on one honeymoon?

Well, don't just stand there,
do something.

I am doing something.

- What?
- I'm listening.

Laurie.

Laurie? Are you there?

- Candy, please.
- I'll make a bargain with you.

Anything. Anything.

When I agreed to let you divorce me
you promised me a settlement, remember?

Well, I never got it.

Well, if it's just a matter of money...
How much do you need?

-$5,000.
-$5,000? That's blackmail.

It's not blackmail. Enterprise.

- I won't pay it.
- All right, then I'll have to scream.

Go ahead, scream your head off. Don't!

(SCREAMS)

All right, Candy, you win.
Keep her quiet, will you?

- Oh.
- What's the matter, darling?

I thought I heard someone scream.

Yeah, it was me. I caught my head
in the door... I mean, my finger.

- Oh, honey, let me see. Which one?
- Oh, one of these. It's all right now.

- You sure?
- Yeah, fine.

Well, what do you think of it?

- It's awful.
- Awful?

Hey- My negligee.

Oh, yeah. I can't wait to see you
in that. Go and put it on.

- But I've got it on.
- Well, take it off.

What's the matter? Don't you like it?

Well, sure.
You don't wanna wear it out, do you?

Laurie, you haven't even looked at it.

Oh, but I have.
It's wonderful, delightful.

Go and let me see
what you're gonna put on tomorrow.

- But I'm all ready for bed now.
- Oh, well... Good night.

- Good night?
- I mean, goodbye.

- I mean, how about another drink?
- I haven't had the last one yet.

Yeah, that's right.
We haven't even started yet, have we?

Well, look, darling, you go ahead in
and I'll be with you in a minute.

Don't worry, I won't be long.

You're the one
who's doing all the worrying.

All right, Candy, I'll give you a cheque
if you leave right now.

Nothing doing. Cash only.

I don't carry $5,000 around with me.
What do you expect me to do?

Well, that's up to you.

Where am I gonna get $5,000
at this time of night?

If I knew that, do you think
I would be in this man's army?

Well, think of something, man.
Think of something!

- I've been thinking all the time!
- What have you thought of?

- Nothing.
- Great.

Now, look, Candy...

- Candy, you've got to get out of here.
- Not until I have that money.

Well, supposing my wife should...
Where can we put her that's safe?

- Spare bedroom.
- What? Next to ours?

From now on consider yourself a rating.

But there's nowhere else.

Oh. All right, come on.

I haven't said all I want to say
about my divorce yet,

-so you better come to my room later.
- Certainly not. It's downright immoral.

Since when has it been immoral for
a husband to come to his wife's bedroom?

You are not my wife
and I am not coming to your bedroom.

Oh, Laurie, how you've changed.

You used to say there wasn't another
woman like me in the whole world.

Yeah, well, for once I was dead right.

-(LAUGHING) What a dame!
- Will you please stop saying that?

Hey, I've been thinking.

You remember that Englishman
that was in SHAEF with you?

- He was a lawyer, wasn't he?
- Frank.

- Yeah.
- That's right.

Quick, where's the phone book? Oh, here.

Hank, that was a brainwave.
Let's see, Betterton, Betterton...

Under

Take it easy. Rest the brain.
Ah, here it is.

Betterton F. Algernon, Putney.

MALE VOICE ON TV: I've got it. I've got it. I've got it.

(BIRD TWITTERING)

He hears them and he answers back.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- Hello. Is that you, Putney?

- I beg your pardon?
- Is that Frank 30031?

Who is this? Laurie!

Good gracious.
What are you doing back here?

This is wonderful.
We must get together one evening.

Yes, we must. This evening.
Listen, you remember I divorced Candy?

Yes. What?

Invalid? It's possible.
Depends on the grounds, of course.

It's quite simple anyway.
You just divorce her again over here.

She's there now.

With your second wife...
With your second wife?

That is rather awkward, isn't it?

Well, look, come along to see me at
my office on Monday morning, will you?

But I can't wait till Monday.

Listen, I think you better come around
here and straighten this out tonight.

So sorry... No, not tonight, old chap,

I'm watching rather an interesting
programme on British birds.

No, British birds.

They're not the same thing at all,
old boy.

You will? Okay, fine.
That's a good fellow.

Yeah, quick as you can.

Huh? Where are we?

- Right here.
- Right...

The address, you numb-head.

-63, Grosvenor Square.
-63, Grosvenor Square.

Okay, fine.

- Well, as long as Gillian doesn't see...
- GILLIAN: Laurie.

Oh!

Darling, I keep hearing...
I thought I heard someone call out.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yes, darling,
it was Hank. He stubbed his toe.

No, I didn't, I was...

(CRIES OUT IN PAIN)

You see? Very painful.

I thought you'd gone long ago, Hank.

Yes, darling, he was going,
but something very important came up.

- Yeah, in the elevator.
- In the elevator?

Uh, yes, my overnight things.

He forgot to bring them up before but
he's just going now, aren't you, Hank?

- Am I?
- Yes.

Look, darling, why don't you run along
back into the room

and I'll be with you
just as soon as I've seen him out.

All right, darling.
Well, good night, Hank.

I hope so, Mrs Vining.

- Come on, stupid.
- Where are we going?

We're not going anywhere. You are.

- Can I stay and watch?
- Look I want you to get a car laid on

in case Frank can persuade her to go.

Okay. Don't forget,
Candy wants to see you in her room.

Now, what's the point
of my going to her room?

Don't ask me, beer is my hobby.

Ah, that really is something.

- Yours?
- No, yours.

Mine?

It was in your case. And this.

Oh, that silly fool, Hank.

He must have picked up
somebody else's by mistake. A woman's.

I imagine so, dear.

Yes, well,
I'll just take this in to her.

- In to her?
- I mean, down to her.

Darling, there's nothing wrong,
is there?

No. No, no, nothing at all.

- I'll just get rid of this.
- And hurry back, it's getting late.

Well, darling, it's early yet.

- Aren't you tired?
- No, no, not a bit.

Well, I am.

Oh, well,
you run along to bed then, darling.

Ah! I thought someone had pinched that.

Well, they haven't.
Get back in your room.

Not so fast. I want to talk to you.

Well, you can't.
I've got something else to do.

Well, that will have to wait.

Look, isn't it enough
you've ruined my honeymoon?

- Aren't you satisfied?
- Well, are you?

Listen, I've got a lawyer
on his way over here.

- He'll settle everything.
- Criminal lawyer?

- Oh, certainly not. A straight one.
- GILLIAN: Laurie.

Quick, back in your room.

(CHUCKLING)

(BOTH GRUNT)

- Laurie, what are you doing?
- Nothing, dear, nothing.

What are you trying
to get into the guestroom for?

I wasn't trying to get in,
I was trying to get out.

- Did you get rid of that bag?
- Only just.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Oh! You mean the case. Yes.

Look, darling, why don't you run along
back to your room?

I'll be with you
before you can say Jack Robinson.

Jack Robinson.

Jack Robinson!

Oh, did I say Jack? I meant Charlie.
Charlie Robinson.

Oh, nuts!

Charlie Nuts?

I've got something to say to you.

Oh, there's just one thing
I want to say to you.

- Oh, what's that?
- Jack Robinson.

So you've been listening, eh?
Well, perhaps now you can understand

why I can't hang around here
talking to you.

- We've got to talk sometime!
- All right, but not now.

- Why don't you come to my room later?
- Certainly not!

Well, if you don't come to my room,
I'm going to come to yours.

All right, all right, you win.
I'll come to your room later.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Quickly!

(GRUNTS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

- Hey, Skip, the car's here.
- Hank!

Hank, what the heck you think
you're doing creeping around like that?

- I thought you might be asleep.
- Fine chance of that.

What are you doing under there?
Looking for something?

- I thought you were my wife.
- Why, does she look like him?

-(LAUGHING) What a gal!
- You stay. Come on, get out of here!

Well, I got the car. Now what?

- Now we wait for Frank to do his stuff.
- Hey.

Supposing he can't talk her out of it,
then what?

Supposing she stays here all night,
then what?

Supposing a maid walks in in the morning
and finds her here, then what?

And meanwhile, supposing that Mrs Vining
bumps into that Mrs Vining, then what?

For Pete's sake,
will you stop saying, "Then what?"

Well, if I can't say, "Then what?",
what then?

Oh, why doesn't Frank get here?

- What can be holding him up?
- There's another angle. Suppose...

Will you shut up and stop thinking?

Oh, why did there have to be
a fog tonight?

And Frank's such a lousy driver.

(CAR CRASHING)

That's Frank.

(CAR HONKING)

Just look at that busted fender of mine!

- You're right. I...
- You fellas drive about over here

-as if you own the roads!
- Well, I...

You goddarn fool!
Why don't you look where you're going?

Hey, Frank!

Don't stand there arguing
with the old fool!

Tell him to go lay an 699!

My dear sir,
I think it only fair to point out

-that I happen to be a lawyer.
- So what?

And If you'll observe the position
of your car,

you'll see that you've been driving
on the wrong side of the road.

Oh, yeah?
But at least it's facing the right way.

- And what has that got to do with it?
- This happens to be a one-way street!

(CARS HONKING)

Well, now he's here,
I might as well shove off.

Oh, no, you're not!
We're in this together.

If this ever gets out,
we'll be thrown out of the service.

We? You got yourself two wives
without any help from me.

Ah, yes, but you're a party
to concealing the facts.

Who's concealing the facts?
I'll tell the whole world!

- Commander Vining's got two wives!
- Shut up, you idiot! Shut up!

- Commander Vining's got two wives!
- Shut up, you idiot! Shut up!

(DOOR BELL BUZZING)

Here, that's Frank now.
Go let him in and stand by.

How do you like that?

He gets himself two wives
and I'm left holding the baby.

Go on.

Good evening. I'm Betterton.

- Of Betterton, Betterton and Betterton.
- Yeah?

Where's the other two?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
ls Commander Vining here, please?

I don't want them. In there.

Hey, Skip?

- Thank goodness you're here, Frank!
- I don't get it.

One guy comes to the door, says
he's Betterton, Betterton and Betterton.

It don't figure.

They do everything
in triplicate over here.

- Oh.
- A friend of mine.

Oh, how...

Now, look, Frank,
what's the course of action?

Oh, yes. I haven't been idle
since I spoke to you on the telephone.

- I rang... I rang Hicks.
- Yeah.

He's...

Hang...

- Flu?
- Well, vitamins.

Supposed to be very good for me.
I, um...

- I rang Hicks. He's my chief clerk.
- Mmm-hmm.

And...

- So sorry.
- It's all right.

Oh, here we are.
Yes, I rung Hicks, my chief clerk,

I instructed him to cable America
with a view to ascertaining

the exact grounds on which
the divorce was granted over there.

Nice work, Frank!

Well, you should hear something
first thing in the morning.

Great, great.
I knew I could depend on you, Frank.

Well, that's that. I'll say au revoir
and jolly good luck.

Au revoir? Wait a minute.
You can't leave me like this.

After all, it was you who introduced me
to Candy in the first place

-at that dance, remember?
- I remember perfectly.

I escorted her there
and you took her home.

Well, don't be sore about it.

After all, I let you take
her mother home, didn't I?

Yes, I remember her, too.
She weighed 20 stone.

- I should know. I danced with her.
- Hey, Frank,

you were pretty stuck on Candy,
weren't you?

Well, I certainly admired her very much,

I always thought she was very charming.

Do you remember
the evening dress she wore?

It had a sort of a bare top with
a sort of rather pretty cluster of...

- Yes, she was a nice girl, wasn't she?
- Look, Laurie,

Candy's coming here
is just a mad impulsive escapade.

I'm perfectly certain
that she won't return to you.

Won't return? She's here.

- She's what? Where?
- In that bedroom.

Good gracious me! And the bride?

In that bedroom.
We're just one big happy family.

Really, Laurie, this isn't done,
you know. Not in peacetime.

Have they met yet?

Not yet, but they will
if you don't do something pretty quick

I do something?
Why don't you do something?

I will. I'll mix us some drinks.

Uh, drinks, drinks, drinks.
Ice, give me some ice.

- Where do you think you are? Home?
- Well... What can I do?

What's the good of a lawyer
when he can't tell me

what to do with wives on one honeymoon?

You're not supposed to have two wives
on one honeymoon. One should be ample.

Well, darn it, man,
it was not of my choosing.

It can happen to anybody. Even to you.

No, maybe not to you. I've got an idea!

- You have?
- Yeah.

You've thought of means
of getting Candy away?

- That's right.
- No fuss?

- No fuss.
- No scene, no scandal?

- No, thank you.
- None, absolutely none.

Congratulations, Laurie.
There's no need for me to stay then.

- HANK: But, Laurie...
- Hold on, you haven't heard my idea yet.

- Frank...
- Now look, Laurie,

this is not the sort of case
that I want to get mixed up in.

Matrimonial tangles
aren't quite in our line, you know.

Conveyancing is our strong point.
It's dull but lucrative.

But won't you at least listen
to my idea?

- Must I?
- Of course you must!

- You're part of it.
- Me?

Look, simple wartime tactics.

I go into Gillian's room
and create a diversion,

while you tackle Candy in her room.

- I beg your pardon?
-Isn't that a great idea?

- And it came to me just like that.
- Yeah. You can forget it just like that.

Look, all you have to do
is talk to her man to man.

But it's man to woman. A woman's
a very different thing to a man.

- You've been looking at diagrams.
- She'll only tell me to get out.

Not Candy.
Just tell her she can have the money

as soon as the banks open
in the morning.

- Then take her away in your car.
- Where to?

How do I know where to?
Where do you usually take women?

- I don't usually take them anywhere.
- That's fine. Take her there.

I mean, supposing...
Supposing she's undressed?

- So?
- I'm going home.

But what's the panic?
You're a bachelor, aren't you?

I cannot allow myself to be compromised.

Well, of all the selfish attitudes!

Don't you realise that Gillian's liable
to walk out of that room at any moment?

And then think of the mess I'll be in.

What sort of mess
do you think I'll be in?

Charging into the bedroom
of a woman partially undressed.

Well, who asked you
to charge in partially undressed?

I don't understand.
What have you got to lose?

Wave my honour.

Oh, yes.

Well, all right.
I'll get Hank to help you.

Oh.

- Hank?
- Yeah?

- Oh, so you've been listening, huh?
- Sure.

Thought I'd save you the bother
of explaining.

All right, then you know what to do.

Get Mr Betterton in,
and then get them both out.

Leave it to me, Skip.

Let's go, Casanova.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hello, darling,
I just popped in to see how you were.

Oh, fine. I'm having a wonderful time.

- Ah, that's the stuff.
- What have you been doing?

Oh, just talking over old times
with Hank.

- Oh. Is he back?
- Yeah.

Honey, did I ever tell you about
the time we were stationed in Hawaii?

No.

My mother prepared me
for practically everything, but that.

Oh, that was a great station.

Yes, sir, let's see.
That must have been back about '44.

- We had two squadrons there...
- Laurie, honey, please kiss me.

Don't stop, honey, go on.

I remember we had Lockheeds and B-29s.
Perfect flying weather.

Clear, sunny, not a cloud in the sky.

- Don't keep pushing me. I'm going in.
- What's the matter with you?

If it was me,
they'd have to hold me back.

- CANDY: Come in.
- Oh, no. This is it, professor.

Good luck!

- Oh, hello.
- Why, Frank, what are you doing here?

Just passing through.

But, darling,
I haven't seen you for years!

Candy, I'm here strictly on pleasure.
I mean business.

- Oh, I mean business, too, darling.
- Candy, please sit down.

- Mmm?
- Please sit down.

Oh.

Now, I am here
strictly as Laurie's lawyer.

And I wish you to come away
with me at once.

Why, darling, this is so sudden!

What I have to discuss with you
is entirely professional.

- Have you got the $5,000?
- Not at the moment.

- But I give you my word of honour...
- Oh, no! Nothing doing.

Every time I ever banked
on a man's word of honour,

it always came back marked "RD".

Candy, can't...

Can't you see how distressing
this whole affair is to my client?

Well, what about me?

Can't you see how impossible it is
for you to stay here?

- Well, I'm Laurie's real wife after all.
- It's a matter of conjecture.

- It's a matter of fact.
- I can't understand your motives.

Surely you don't need the money
all that badly, do you?

No. I shall only spend it when I get it.

Then why go to all this trouble?

Well, it was very naughty of him to go
marry again without divorcing me first.

- He deserves to be punished.
- Is that your last word?

- Can't think of a better one.
- Very well then.

I intend to stay in this room
until you've changed your mind.

Really? Well,

in that case, let's make ourselves
comfortable, shall we, darling?

No. Candy.

...so Hank comes up to me, he says,
"Look, Skipper, why bail out?"

I'd just as soon try and get
the old crate down.

Well, let's see.
All the fellows that did bail out,

they all got down safely.
There was Harry and Joe and...

Look, honey,
I can't remember all their names.

I'll just go and ask Hank
what they were. I'll be right back.

- Don't...
- Shh!

- Don't do that.
-(SOFTLY) What happened?

It was most embarrassing.
It really was most embarrassing.

You don't mean to tell me
you left her in there.

- She absolutely refused to leave!
- Fine thing.

How did you ever get
to run a law business anyway?

I'm accustomed to dealing with clients
who are fully dressed.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Hello? Oh, Admiral Fields?
Yeah, sure, put him on.

- Commander Vining, sir.
- Oh, right.

Hello, Vining. Glad to have you working
on this mission.

LAURIE: Thank you, sir.

Come on down for a drink
and I'll give you all the dope.

- You mean now, sir? Tonight?
- Why, certainly!

But I've got my wife here, sir.
This is my honeymoon. Sort of.

Well, congratulations!

(LAUGHS) I'll tell you what to do.

Bring your wife down with you.
I'd like to meet her.

- Which one, sir?
- Which one? How many wives do you have?

Oh! Just one, sir. What I meant was,
there's someone else here.

An old friend of mine from SHAEF days.
I wouldn't like to leave him.

Well! Bring him along, too.
Bring him along.

No!

- He'd be delighted, sir.
- Flat two, first floor.

- And don't be too long.
- No, sir.

Right.

He wants to meet my wife and you.

- You can't take Candy down there.
- No, of course not.

Or can I?

That's the answer.

(DOOR OPENS)

- Well, I didn't expect you so soon.
- Didn't you? I got a surprise for you.

- We're going to a party.
- Oh!

- What's the catch?
- No catch at all.

Unless you want to catch an admiral.

He wants to meet my wife
and I guess that's you.

Well, if you're going,
I suppose I haven't got nothing to lose.

Nothing at all. So get your glad rags on
and let's get going.

Frank!

- Have you gone mad?
- No. Don't you see?

This is our big chance
to get rid of her.

- What if the Admiral has a wife already?
- Not on the Admiral, you fool!

We just get her out of here
and then we lose her.

(STAMMERING) What about your other wife?

Is she going to like us all leaving?

Well, I don't suppose
she'll take too kindly to it,

-but what has to be, has to be.
- Yes, but, Laurie...

- Hello, darling.
- Why, hello, Mr. Vining!

Don't tell me
you're going to bed at last.

Ah, so you are staying here, too.

- Or are you?
- Well, as a matter of fact, darling,

I have to run downstairs
and see the Admiral.

- Admiral? What Admiral?
- Well, Admiral Fields.

At this time of night?

Well, darling, it's an order.
Orders are orders, you know.

After all,
you are married to a serviceman.

Thanks for reminding me.

Oh, there, there, darling.
I'll get away just as soon as I can.

You know what these things are like.
Stuffy. But don't you wait up for me.

- What was that?
- I mean, do wait up for me.

Well, good night, darling.

You're ready? Good, come on.

- But who is this Admiral who wants to...
- Admiral Fields.

He lives just across the square.

- I thought you said he lived...
- You thought what?

I thought you said
he lived just across the square.

(ELEVATOR BUZZES)

Frank!

- Going down?
- Yes.

So am I. Hop in.

- Where do you wanna go?
- Uh, just across the square.

We don't go that far.
Just go to the bottom and come back.

Well, you just drop us where you stop
and we'll walk the rest.

I doubt it.
It's getting very foggy out there.

- Really?
- Yes.

A real pea souper. A person
could lose themselves easy.

Oh, that's wonderful.

- That's thick.
-It is thick, isn't it?

Don't worry, I can find my own way
all right. Just hang on to me.

Are you sure
you know where you're going?

Sure I'm sure. Looks about right.

(CAR HONKING)

Right?

(MOUTHING)

- Oh, yes, yes! Yes.
- Good. Run.

Laurie! Come back here!

Laurie! Laurie!

Laurie!

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

Well, we got rid of her
that time, all right.

- Got rid of who, sir?
-(STAMMERING) The maid. The cat!

-(STAMMERING) The cat.
- I was taking her for a walk.

- Yeah. For a walk.
- Round the square.

- I'm his lawyer.
- My lawyer.

(SNIFFING)

Good night, gentlemen.

Come on.

(DOOR BELL BUZZING)

- Commander Vining to see Admiral Fields.
- Yes, sir. The Admiral's expecting you.

Thank you.

Commander Vining, sir.

Ah, there you are, Laurie darling!

- Candy, what the blazes are you doing...
- Hello, Vining.

Mrs Vining was feeling a little chilly.
We've been getting along fine.

- Mrs Vining?
- Don't look so worried, darling.

I was just explaining to Bill
all about your headache.

Glad to meet you, Vining.

I've been looking forward
to it, too, sir.

Uh, this is my old friend,
Frank Betterton.

- Good evening, sir.
- Oh, indeed. I...

You!

- Uh, you two have met?
- Yeah. We met a short while ago.

- Head on.
- Oh, you must be the old...

I mean, he must be the old fool
who crashed into you.

- Thank you, Admiral.
- Yeah. Thank you.

Well, sir, if you don't mind,
we have to run along now.

No, no, no. Just a minute.
What about the mission?

- I want to talk to you about it.
- Well, with this headache, sir,

I really don't think
I could concentrate.

- Come along, darling.
- Bill,

why don't you come up to the flat
with us and have a nightcap?

Well, the Admiral doesn't want
a nightcap, do you, Admiral?

Why, there's nothing I'd like better!
Besides, I'd certainly appreciate

the pleasure of escorting Mrs Vining
to her door.

- Well, thank you, Bill!
ADMIRAL: Yes.

Well, that was very nice of you, sir.
Thank you and good night.

- Uh, good night.
- But, Laurie, we promised Bill a drink!

Well, we can't take him in there.

- Why not? Why can't we?
- Yes, why can't we?

Oh, well. Very well, sir,
but please be very quiet.

- We have a sick tenant on this floor.
- Oh, is there? What's the trouble?

Ooh, nothing very much.
Just scarlet fever.

Scarlet... Scarlet fever?

- Well, I'd better be on my way, then.
- Oh, nonsense, Bill!

You won't disturb her. Besides,
she's probably sleeping soundly by now.

Yes. Well,
let's hope she is anyway, huh?

- Old boy, after you.
- Yes. Right.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Do sit down
and make yourself comfortable, Bill.

This is delightful.
Oh, thank you, Mrs Vining.

- Shh! Not so loud.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

(WHISPERING) Is it all right
for me to whisper?

- What?
- Can I whisper?

-(SHUSHING) Yes.
- Sit down.

- Oh, no, ma'am. After you, please.
- Oh.

No, no. Not you, darling.

I want you in the kitchen
to help me with some drinks.

Frank, be a good fellow and entertain
the Admiral for me, will you?

- Yes.
- Oh.

No, thank you.

- What do you think you're doing?
- Teaching you a lesson.

I ought to put you across my knee
and tan the hide off you.

Why don't you try it?
One step nearer and you're a dead duck.

- You wouldn't dare.
- Oh, wouldn't I? Watch this.

- What was that crash?
- It sounded like broken glass.

I heard what it sounded like,
but what was it?

'III

- Oh, I beg your pardon.
- Oh, no, ma'am, I beg yours.

I had no idea
there was anybody else here.

- Neither did I.
- I'm Admiral Fields, ma'am.

Oh, yes, my husband's gone down
to see you, Admiral Fields.

- Your husband?
- Commander Vining. I'm Mrs Vining.

- Mrs Vining? But I thought...
- She was... She was Mrs Vining.

She's Mrs Vining.
Uh, the Admiral's rather confused.

And who are you?

I'm Mrs Vining.
I mean, I'm Frank Betterton.

Oh, tell me we're not in the wrong flat
or something, are we?

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Somebody is.

- You're getting better.
- Don't worry, Mrs Vining.

I'll fetch your husband.
He'll explain everything. He'd better!

Now, look, you stay right where you are
until I get rid of the Admiral.

(BOTH GRUNT)

- What are you doing down there?
- Laurie, what's going on here?

Nothing, nothing, dear.
Um, have you two met?

- Yes.
- Pity.

Uh, I think you better go now, Admiral.
If you don't mind, sir.

But why?

Well, what is it?

- Scarlet fever.
- Oh! Good night, ma'am.

Oh, dear.

- You understand, sir, I'm sure.
- Oh, yes, yes, I understand.

Oh, but I don't understand, Vining.
I met your wife downstairs.

- Now that one says she's Mrs Vining.
- That's right, sir. My mother.

Oh, hello, darling. This is
my very good friend, Frank Betterton.

We have met.

Yeah, Frank's just dropped in to wish us
good luck. Haven't you, Frank?

- Good luck.
- There. Isn't that nice?

I think someone else has just dropped in
to wish us good luck, too.

(STAMMERING) Yes, darling.
This is his charming little wife.

- Look...
- Oh, how do you do, Mrs Betterton?

How nice of you to look us up!

Oh, I wouldn't have missed this
for anything, Mrs Vining.

I'm sorry you have
to rush off like this, Frank.

Laurie, don't be rude.
They've only just come.

Yeah, well, good night, Frank.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I don't see how we're going to get home
in this fog.

- Is it thick now?
- Oh, terrible!

A person could get lost in it. Almost.

Have you and your husband far to go,
Mrs Betterton?

Oh, yes.
We have a long way to go, haven't we?

- Then why not stay here the night?
- No. No, we couldn't do that.

-(STAMMERING) Could we, Laurie?
- No. No, no, no.

- Certainly couldn't do that.
- But why?

Oh, I think he's feeling bad
about barging in

on your honeymoon night, Mrs Vining.

Oh, I guessed that might be the reason.
You won't put us out at all.

- You must stay.
- Well, that's really very sweet of you.

It would be fun, wouldn't it, dear?

Nonsense. Not another word.
You can't possibly drive in this fog.

And the least we can do
is to offer you a bed.

I'll show you to your room,
Mrs Betterton.

Well, thank you, Mrs Vining.

- I hope you'll be comfortable.
- Oh, it's lovely!

You know,
I shan't be sorry to get to bed.

If there's anything you want, just ask.

- That's funny.
- What?

Oh, nothing. I'll show you the bathroom.

Outrageous! It's absolutely outrageous!

Don't worry, old boy.
I think everything will be all right.

Dartmoor's full of people who thought
that everything would be all right.

And there's a shower over here
if you want it.

Oh, I think we're going to enjoy
staying here very much, Mrs Vining.

Oh, and there's a dressing room
through there

which connects with our room.

- I see you've got that habit, too.
- What?

Rolling ties.

My husband always does it, you know.

Oh, well, Frank likes me
to do it this way, too, Mrs Vining.

Oh, that's enough of "Mrs Vining".
Please call me Gillian.

Oh, fine. And you must call me Ca...

- Carol.
- Yes.

- Carol.
- Oh, uh, darling,

Frank would like to see us a moment
in the other room.

Oh, well, I'll just go and see
about some sleeping things for Carol.

Okay, fine.

- Carol, Carol. Who the heck is Carol?
- Me.

- Anything on your mind, darling?
- Don't call me darling!

No, darling.

Don't you think
you're playing a pretty low game?

- With my Frankie, you mean?
- Now see here, Candy,

I am not going to have you taking
a mean advantage of Frank.

Don't you understand? The poor goose
never had any experience of women.

- None at all?
- None at all.

(GASPS) What wonderful material!

Look, why don't you give
the poor guy a break?

Well, certainly I will.
It's time some girl did.

- Well, you can't both stay here.
- But we must.

That's the whole fun of the thing.

You in one room with a woman
who thinks she's your wife.

And me in another room
with a man she thinks is my husband.

I found some things.
I'll give these to your wife.

I expect you're dying to get to bed.

Look, if you do what I ask,
I'll give you double the money you want.

Oh, hello, darling.

(STAMMERING) I was just showing Carol
how these taps work here.

Oh, you needn't have bothered, Laurie.

Carol looks the sort of person
who knows how taps work.

- Give these to Frank, darling.
- Yeah.

- I hope he'll be comfortable in them.
- Oh, so do I.

He's more used to wearing a nightshirt,
you know.

- What's happening? Did you fix anything?
- Yes. Here you are.

- What are these?
- Your battledress.

- No.
- But I haven't got a nightshirt.

I can't wear those.
And I won't go in that room.

- But you must.
- Now, look. I'll sleep in here.

On one of the chairs or the sofa.

And if Gillian should come in
and find you, what happens then?

I could tell her the truth.

Do you mean to sit there and tell me

that you could look her
right in the eye and say,

"Mrs Vining,
the lady whose room I agreed to share

"is not my lawful wedded wife"?

No, no. No, old boy,
then there really would be a scandal.

Look, don't you understand?

All you have to do when the time comes
is to sleep in the dressing room,

and who's to know?

Frank. Frank, old boy.

For me.

Attaboy!

And don't worry 'cause I'll be there
to keep you company.

When I think I could have been at home,
listening to my bird calls.

Oh, come on, Frank.
Think of the funny side of this thing.

Funny? I don't see anything funny.

- You will.
- What do you mean?

Wait till you see yourself
in those pyjamas.

Ah, come on, don't be like that
about it, Frankie.

Remember, you're doing your good deed.

And look what my good deed
has got me into.

A night of sin.

LAURIE: Aha! So...

You don't intend sleeping
in the dressing room, hmm?

FRANK: 'Course I do. (STUTTERS)

What are my clients going to say?

You're not going to
invite them, are you?

This is it. Hup!

Good night, old boy. And good luck.

(PANTS) Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Come on in, Romeo.

They're in their room now,
so give me the key.

Now what are you gonna do,
Frankie darling?

I'll show you what I'm gonna do.

You thought you'd caught me,
didn't you, huh?

You have to get up early in the morning
to catch me.

What were you saying about
getting up early?

(QUIVERING) Where's the key
of the dressing room door?

Well, you should know that by now.

You don't propose to stand there
all night, do you?

I said, you don't propose to stand there
all night, do you?

Oh! No.

Aren't you coming to bed?

Yeah, sure.

When?

Well, let's see. What's today?

Laurie, are you sure
there's nothing bothering you?

No! No, no, no. It's just this headache.

Headache? Where'd you get a headache?

- In my head.
- Oh! How unusual.

Maybe it'd go away if you lie down.

No,no,no,no.
Last thing I must do is lie down.

It's an old war wound
I have up here, you see

and whenever the pain comes back
I have to exercise it.

Exercise your head?

Yeah, it's kind of yoga, you know,

but it won't take more than
a couple of hours.

A couple of hours!

Yeah.

One,

two, three,

-four, five, six...
-(SIGHS)

What are you going to do?

- Get undressed.
- No, Candy,

- I beg you.
- But I want to go to bed.

I absolutely forbid you to disrobe here.

Well, where else can I? This is my room.

Yes, but I'm here.

I know! Aren't you lucky?

Candy, you can't walk about
in a petticoat.

Petticoat? I haven't got one.

You haven't got one...
I don't understand.

Come over here a second
and unzip me, will you?

- Un what you?
- Unzip me.

Certainly not!
I've never unzipped anybody in my life.

Oh, well.
In that case, I'll have to do it myself.

No, no! Candy...

(FRANK SCREAMS)

Well, it's not as bad as all that,
is it?

I daresay you look very nice,
but I can't see you.

You're making a lot of unnecessary fuss.

Why, people wear far less than this
on the beach.

Yes, but everybody's looking then.

Well, I'm respectable.

Respect... Oh, Candy!

Well, what are you going to do now?

The keys. Where are they?

370,

371,

372,

373,

374,

375,

(MUFFLED) 376...

(GROANS)

Better now, darling?

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

You seem so preoccupied.

Preoc... Oh, I was just thinking about
a pal of mine.

Must you think of him now?

Oh, his honeymoon
wasn't exactly normal, you see.

Oh. Is this?

He was terribly in love with his wife,
you understand,

but he didn't know whether
he was married to her or not.

Didn't know? Where was he
when the wedding took place?

No, no. I mean he didn't know
whether it was legal or not.

So he couldn't be sure whether it was

all right to uh...

...honeymoon with her or not.

Why didn't he tell her about it?

He just didn't have the courage.

Oh. Laurie, you don't mean you...

No! No, of course not.

(SIGHS) Oh, Laurie, darling,
I'm so tired.

Please, please, can we get some sleep?

Oh! It's coming back.

I guess I didn't give it
long enough treatment.

410, 411...

Yes, well, if you must know.
I think you're very attractive.

Say that again.

Well, I do think that you're...
You're...

Very attractive.

(BREATHES HEAVILY) Give me the key.

What, after you've discovered that
I'm very attractive?

Candy, I can't stay here.

Well. I tell you what.

You get into the wardrobe,
while I get into bed.

In there?

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

(MUMBLING) 614,

615,

(COUNTING STOPS)

616,

617,

618,

619, 620,

621,

62...

Can I come out now?

(MOANING)

(CHUCKLES)

2,110,

2,111,

2,112,

2,113,

2,114,

2115,

2,116,

2,117...

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

Oh, it's you, Sergeant.

Who were you expecting? Stewart Granger?

Oh, no thanks. He's married.

Yeah.
That's 'cause he didn't know about you.

Oh, go on, will you?

-They up yet? Come On.
- No!

They must have had
quite a party last night

judging by the glasses and empties.

So what?

When you want to go into
a severe thing like marriage,

you got to have
some sort of anaesthetic.

Oh, you...

I'm just naturally romantic.
Does that surprise you?

Anytime, any woman says or does
anything to surprise me

I will seriously reconsider
my outlook on marriage.

Well, when that day comes,
you know where I'll be.

I can only hope.

Come on, rustle up some chow. It's late.

Rise and shine, Skipper!

Uppy-uppy!

Hey, Skip. Wake up.

(MUMBLING)

Skip! Snap out of it.

Oh, it's you, Hank.

Had a nice night?

Ah, ecstatic.

Where's Frank?

(FRANK SNORING)

(CHUCKLES)

- Good morning, Hank.
- Good morning, Mrs Vining.

- Oh, Hank.
- Yeah?

You've served with Laurie
for many years, haven't you?

Since he was a wolf
in lieutenant's clothing.

And I guess you're very loyal
and fond of him, aren't you?

Yeah, he's all right for an officer.

What I mean is, you two wouldn't have
any secrets from each other, would you?

I don't know about that.

Anyway, I'm quite sure you'd be equally
loyal and open with his wife.

Oh, sure! Sure, Mrs Vining.

Thank you, Hank.

Okay, I'll get the breakfast.

- I'll just take fruit juice.
- Okay.

And I'm sure you know
what that Candy likes, of course.

Oh, don't look so surprised, Hank.
I know all about it.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

What's up with you?

You know something?

I've just been surprised by something
a woman did.

You have? Oh, Sergeant!

What are you trying to do? Suffocate me?

Oh, Hank, I almost forgot.
You might take a look at that bath.

Something's stopping it up.

Okay, Mrs Vining.

(SNORING)

Morning, darling.

Morning.

- Have a good night?
- Wonderful.

You'?

Fine.

Well...

Well?

Well, I'll go and see about breakfast.

Well, good morning!

- Where are my clothes?
- How should I know?

You've been the cause of my doing
the most dreadful things.

Why, Frankie.

You're entirely responsible for
making me look an absolute fool.

Oh, come, come, old man.
Don't give me all credit.

You through your complete
irresponsibility

have forced me to spend the night
in the most compromising circumstances.

You leave me no alternative.

I'll go to Mrs Vining, this second,
and tell her the truth.

You do that and I'll call Gill and say,

"Betterton isn't really married
after all

"and he's using our flat
like a seaside hotel."

Why, you can't say that,
I slept in the bathroom.

And Candy will confirm that?

Well, of course she will.

(CHUCKLES) You don't know Candy
like I know Candy.

This is a ghastly plot. You'll ruin me.

You know what this means, don't you?

-İf it gets out.
- No, what?

I'll have to resign from
the Conservative Club.

Oh, not necessarily, old man.
I think we might hush it up.

- In the middle, more on you.
- Here?

Thank you. There's nothing to hush up.

(LAUGHING)

What are you laughing at?

I think the situation really is
very funny.

Very funny.

You wait till my chief clerk arrives
and tells you that you're a bigamist.

That'll take the silly grin
off your face.

I've already decided on the move
I'm gonna make.

What move?

You suggested it yourself yesterday,
don't you remember?

I instruct you as my lawyer

to take fresh divorce proceedings
against Candy.

(CHUCKLES) So you've finally come
to your senses at last.

Naming yourself as correspondent.

Look...

Good morning, Mr Betterton.

Here put this around you.

Breakfast, Carol.

Breakfast, you two?
- I'm starving.

Sign of an easy conscience, darling.

- Sit down, Frank.
- Coffee, Frank?

I may call you Frank, mayn't I?

- I know what I like to call him.
- Kipper?

I beg your pardon? No, thank you.

Where are my clothes?

Oh, the Sergeant took them out
to be cleaned.

Good morning, everybody!

- Good morning.
- Good morning, dear.

Coffee, Candy?

Oh, I'm sorry, I meant Carol,

I must have been thinking
of someone else.

(STUTTERS)
Why don't you eat something, Frank?

Not hungry? Perhaps sleeping in
a strange bed has upset him.

Far, far more than you may imagine,
Mrs Vining.

It always used to upset
my first husband, you know.

Oh, I didn't know you'd been married
before, Carol.

Why, yes. Didn't Laurie tell you
that Frank was my second attempt?

No, not a word.

CANDY: Why, you knew about it,
didn't you, Laurie?

I... I don't think we
ought to be talking about

your first husband
in front of Frank anyway.

Oh, Frank doesn't mind. Do you, darling?

No, no! Rather not, darling.
I'd love to hear about the bounder.

Most shocking fellow.

He'd shoot his own best friend any day.

He probably will yet.

Did you quarrel much?

Oh, all the time. We never stopped.

Well, maybe it wasn't his fault.

After all, it takes a couple
to make a row, you know.

He'd usually had more than a couple.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, you know what?
The Commander and his lady,

-they had separate rooms.
- So what?

So what indeed.

If you were married to me,
would you have separate rooms?

If I was married to you,
I'd have separate houses.

They're rowing cats and dogs in there.

So what, they're married, ain't they?

I'm beginning to wonder.

Hey, Lucy, what was that you did to me?

- What do you mean?
- When we was in the lounge.

Oh, you mean this.

- Yeah, that was it.
- Well, what about it?

You do it again,
I'll knock your teeth out.

It's a pity you didn't find out
his true character

before you married him.

Oh, I was warned.

I'd only known him a week
when he proposed to me.

Oh, I should have taken that
as a compliment.

You don't know what he proposed.

Laurie's been married before, you know.

And from what I heard,
his first wife was the end.

CANDY: Did he say that?

GILLIAN: Mmm, yeah.

Oh, do go on, Mrs Vining, won't you?

Well, according to my husband,

she was nothing more than
a gold digger and so terribly vulgar.

(CRIES OUT IN PAIN)

What's the matter, darling?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing at all.
I just dropped something, that's all.

Just a load of bricks, that's all.

Of course, Gillian was only kidding.

I never said anything
about my first wife to her.

Oh, but you did to me, old chap.

- Don't you remember?
- To you?

Yes, about the way she drank
like a fish.

And tell us about the time
she ran away with a lion tamer.

Tell us about the...

Tell us about that, will you?

Oh! That's a new one to me.

But I must tell you the one
Laurie told me.

(INAUDIBLE)

Gillian, that's enough.
Come on, I want to talk to you.

Oh, is it important, darling?

- Yes, very.
- Excuse me.

So I'm vulgar, am I?

I'm a gold digger, am I?

And I drink like a fish, do I?

I was just playing up
for their benefit, don't be angry.

It was just a little joke.

Now we're alone,
we must be rational and sane.

Sane?
I'm far from being sane at the moment.

I'm flaming mad!

Oh!

Yes, Laurie?

Well, it's a little difficult to know
where to start.

It's kind of a long story.

Not the one you told me
all last night I hope.

No, it's...

Well, it's about Candy, my first wife.

Well, I was a little rough on you,
I admit, but...

Well, you've only got yourself to blame.

I like that.

I only wanted to frighten Laurie
a little.

You merely succeeded
in frightening me a lot.

It was very difficult for you.

But what about me?

A wife who didn't even know whether
her husband wore long or short pants.

Which do you wear?

Short.

Good.

Hey, don't you ever do anything but eat?

Sure.

- What?
- Dflnk

What was that for?
I didn't do nothing to you.

That's what it was for.

Dames.

I may as well tell you that
if you had tried to make love to me

in that room last night...

Oh, you're terribly damp.

Here drink some more coffee.

Thank you, darling.

What did you call me?

(STUTTERING) I didn't try
to make love to you.

Well, maybe someday you will.

I guess I can stand it
even if you do snore.

- I do nothing of the sort.
- But you did last night.

Because I had to get up
and put a pillow under your head.

You...

(BREATHES HEAVILY)
You saw me in the bath in my... Oh.

So the upshot of the whole thing is

I don't know whether
I'm still married to her or to you.

I knew that, darling.

You knew that? Since when?

- Since last night.
- Since...

Do you mean to tell me that
you've been deceiving me all this time?

Why didn't you say?

Because I wanted you to be the one
to tell me.

Why, you little...

I suppose you think I'm really
a bad girl.

Yes.

Why don't you try kissing me
and see what happens?

Why should I want to kiss you?

Because I think you're a little bit
in love with me.

Maybe you always have been.

In love with you?
Candy, I think you're right.

I knew it.

And what's more, I will kiss you.

Now, Frank! Frank, keep your distance.

Remember, I'm still another man's wife.

- You won't be for long.
- Stop where you are, Frank. Stop.

I can't. You arouse me.

I'm sorry, Candy.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Saved by the bell.

Good morning, sir. I am Hicks

of Mssrs. Betterton, Betterton
and Betterton.

Oh, yeah. I've met the chief Messer.

I have urgent business
with a Commander Vining.

You and others, bud. Come on in.
The party's just warming up.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, Skip, there's a guy named Hicks,
wants to see you urgent.

- Hicks?
- Who the heck's Hicks?

He's my chief clerk.

- I'll go and see him.
- Oh, no, no!

- I'll go.
- Well, let's all see.

No, no! No, I'll go.
Come in, Hicks, will you?

Oh, good morning, Mr Betterton, sir.

I had no idea
you were spending the night here.

Neither did I, as a matter of fact.

I hope you didn't miss
the bird call, sir,

most interesting.

Especially the call of
the female meadow pipit.

(MIMICKING BIRD)

Very interesting, Hicks.

Don't worry about that. What's the news?

Oh, the usual, sir. Russia has
sealed off a sector of Berlin.

No, no, no, no, Hicks.

The business we were discussing
last night.

The bus... Oh! Yes, sir, the business.

I sent off the cablegram
as you suggested, to America

and they have promised to
cable the result to their London office.

What was the result?

Uh, I beg your pardon?

What...

(LOUDLY) What was the result?

I'm sorry, sir. Slight technical hitch.

Uh, testing.

HICKS: One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven...

It's all right now, sir.
I'm receiving you. You were saying?

- BOTH: What was the result?
- The result of what?

- Oh, Hicks, please.
- The result of their enquiries.

I don't know, sir!

- You don't know?
- Well, what did you come here for?

To tell you, sir.

Hicks, have you been drinking?

- Eh?
- BOTH: Have you been drinking?

No, no, no, sir, no.
I came to tell you that

they were forwarding the result
of the enquiries direct here

as soon as their London office opened.

We should be hearing something
at any moment now, sir.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

No, this is not
the Wellbeck Maternity Home.

At least I don't think it is.

- You're okay, aren't you?
- Really, sir.

What is all this?

We're just trying to establish exactly
who your marriage partner is,

Mrs Betterton.

Mrs Betterton?

What's so surprising
about Mrs Betterton?

I beg your pardon, sir?

(LOUDLY) What's so surprising
about Mrs Betterton?

I'm afraid it's gone again, sir.

- You're not plugged in.
- Eh?

(LOUDLY) I said you're not plugged in.

-(TELEPHONE RINGING)
- Hello?

Hello? Yes.

Keep your fingers crossed everybody.
Yes.

Oh. It was.

It's not?

Never.

You don't say!

It couldn't be!

It isn't?

It is!

It is, everybody!
Darling, we're not married!

Oh, it's wonderful, Laurie!

When you two are quite finished.

As for you, you're coming with me.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Where are you going?

To the nearest registry office.

- Good morning, Mr Betterton.
- Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Mrs Vining.

I'm just on my way to see your husband.

Oh! He's not my husband any more.
I just divorced him.

Oh, darling, Candy.
Wait in my car, will you?

KLH 806. I'll just get my clothes.

Not likely!

Ah, I don't believe it. Alone at last.

Good morning, Vining.

Your mother's getting better.

My mother? Oh! No, sir. She's perfect.

In fact, I just married her.
As for now, we're on our honeymoon.

No, no, you're not, my boy.
I've just got the orders.

You leave for Paris right away.

- Paris? But what about my honeymoon?
- Your wife can go along too.

Loan?
Oh gosh, isn't that wonderful, darling?

A Paris honeymoon.

Yeah, just fine,
but what am I gonna do there, sir?

You're gonna set up
a Special Women's Intelligence Corps.

Women's Intelligence Corps?
Sounds like a lot of work.

Sounds like a lot of women.

No, you don't need to worry.
Lieutenant Browning will be around,

take most of it out of your hands.

I'll just call the Lieutenant in
and she'll give you all the details.

- She?
- Yeah.

Meet Commander Vining, Lieutenant.

Laurie, darling!

Babs, what a pleasant surprise.

I'll bet!

The way you walked out on me in Hawaii.

You just try getting rid of me again.

Another Mrs Vining?

- Well I...
- Start talking, buster.

Well, darling, look,
I can explain the whole thing.

BABS: Let's all make up for lost time.

(ALL TALKING)

Wait till he gets back to Paris.