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♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous
Georgians slimy Stuarts,
vile Victorians
2
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,560
♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
3
00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,360
♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
4
00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:13,080
♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
5
00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:16,160
♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen, savage, fierce and
toothless
6
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:18,560
♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
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00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,760
♪ Gory stories, we do that
8
00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:23,280
♪ And your host, a talking rat
9
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:26,360
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
10
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,520
♪ Welcome to...
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00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,200
Horrible Histories presents...
12
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:39,920
In a country torn apart by war...
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00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,040
..one man would rule them all -
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00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,400
Wait, wait, wait.
Ivan, the what-what?
15
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,520
No, you mean Ivan the Great!
16
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,880
He did create the whole of the
Russian Empire...
17
00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,240
..by killing 50,000 people.
18
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:02,960
Wow, was it really that many?
19
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,680
You lose count
after the first few thousand.
20
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:10,000
OK, what about Ivan the Loveable?
21
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:13,360
Because I was really sad
when my son died.
22
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,560
He really did need love
when his son died...
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00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,800
..because he murdered him!
24
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,400
Yeah, true, that is pretty terrible,
even for me.
25
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,120
Nobody's perfect.
26
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,760
What about Ivan the Amazing?
27
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,640
He built the beautiful church
of St Basil,
28
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,440
and then blinded the architects so
they couldn't build anything better.
29
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,240
OK, fine, you know what?
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00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,840
Ivan the Terrible it is, because
I've just looked it up,
31
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,800
and terrible does not mean horrible.
32
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,400
In the Russian dictionary
it means awesome, yeah!
33
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,040
Ivan the Terrible it is, then.
34
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:58,200
And don't you forget it!
35
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,560
Is he gone?
36
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:06,440
Ivan the Terrible ruled Russia
nearly 500 years ago,
37
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:09,240
and was a truly Ruthless Ruler.
38
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,800
You know, I've always thought
I'd make a great king.
39
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,400
But it's not easy to become a ruler.
40
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,600
My best chance would probably be
to marry a queen.
41
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,360
But they won't just marry any old
Tom, Dick or Ratus.
42
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:21,440
HE CHUCKLES
43
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:25,280
No, in fact, royal dating
can be really complicated.
44
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,560
Everyone needs love in their lives,
even royalty.
45
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,760
Bienvenue,
welcome to Historical First Dates.
46
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,080
Elizabeth I of England is new to the
throne,
47
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,880
and looking in need of a husband to
strengthen her position as queen.
48
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:44,960
But she's late for her first date,
49
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,520
and her potential husband
is already waiting.
50
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,840
Sorry I'm late, I got... Oh.
51
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,240
Hello, Elizabeth. Can't believe
they would set me up with
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00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:56,800
my dead sister's husband.
I know, it's a little bit awks,
53
00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:01,560
but we would bring peace and
prosperity to both our nations.
54
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,760
You will obviously convert to
Catholicism when we marry,
55
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,840
and so will your country.
And I will rule both as a king.
56
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:10,680
Olive? No.
57
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,360
Will I see him again?
58
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,000
Well, he called my mother a witch,
and that was one of the high points.
59
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,480
I think we can deal with an armada
or two.
60
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:22,480
He's awful, I don't know how Mary
put up with him.
61
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,360
Are there more olives coming?
62
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,840
No more olives. Oh.
63
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:31,400
It's not just finding love that's
complicated for a ruler.
64
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,000
Even the simplest things
like going for a walk
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00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,680
or taking a royal wee can be tricky.
66
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,240
Take Elizabeth I's dad, Henry VIII.
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00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:42,000
He thought everyone was out to get
him,
68
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,400
and that made a simple thing like
going to bed
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00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,880
very complicated indeed.
70
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:47,920
Night, night!
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00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:50,800
CRASHING
Ooh! Ow!
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00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,000
MAN YAWNS
73
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:56,920
Right!
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00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,280
An early night, I think.
75
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:02,880
Sleepy Henry VIII after another hard
day's ruling over everything.
76
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,000
Yes, good idea, sire.
77
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,640
An early night. I shall just get the
list, your highness.
78
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,240
Step one - check for assassins.
79
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:09,800
Oh! Clear!
80
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,480
Step two - lay down a bed of down.
81
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,000
And three - check that no-one
is hidden inside.
82
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:19,200
Step four - lay pillows, sheets and
blankets, and a luxury ermine cover.
83
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,640
Step five - all make the sign
of the cross.
84
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,320
Step six - all kiss the royal bed.
85
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,040
Yes, all right, that's fine.
86
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,080
Step seven - sprinkle with holy
water.
87
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,240
Goodness' sake!
88
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,800
I just want to go to sleep.
89
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,640
Whose idea was all this nonsense?
90
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:40,680
Yours, sire.
91
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:42,880
Just give it here.
92
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:45,840
Whip through these.
93
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,960
Step eight - bring near the royal
night stool.
94
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,240
Step nine - lay out the royal
dressing gown.
95
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,240
And finally, step ten -
96
00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:01,600
build a solid brick wall to prevent
intruders getting anywhere near me
97
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:02,680
as I sleep.
98
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:06,640
Come on!
99
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,840
Ah! Bliss.
100
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:20,480
Shhh!
101
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,680
COCKEREL CROWS
Morning sire, breakfast!
102
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:27,720
Go away!
103
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,520
Got my crown, I've got my sash,
104
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,840
but what I really need
to be a Ruthless Ruler
105
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,040
is a load of servants.
106
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,240
I could do with the cleaners
for a start.
107
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,360
My home looks like a sewer.
108
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,280
Mind you, it is a sewer.
109
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:46,200
But cleaning and making the beds
aren't the worst jobs for a servant.
110
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:47,760
They're not even close.
111
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:02,400
A servant has never been closer
to the seat of power.
112
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,800
Morning, Charles.
113
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,520
HE BREAKS WIND
Morning, Bridget.
114
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,920
Behind every great ruler
is someone who has to empty
115
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:08,960
their toilet.
116
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:14,840
Starring the pees and poos of five
monarchs of Great Britain.
117
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:18,520
Today, I am to be executed,
by Oliver...
118
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,360
HE BREAKS WIND
..Cromwell.
119
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,200
It's OK to be nervous, Your Majesty.
120
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,040
Very nervous.
121
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,640
From father to son, one woman was
there to see it all.
122
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:34,360
King Charles number two has done a
King Charles number two.
123
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:38,160
Oh, sorry, post party poo.
HE LAUGHS
124
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,160
Also starring William III...
125
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,680
Is this why they call it
the royal WEE?
126
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,360
HE GROANS
..and Mary II...
127
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,400
Bridget, you're the longest-serving
royal servant in history.
128
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,120
Oh, that was a challenge.
129
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,000
Haven't you thought about retiring?
130
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:57,040
I'd miss all the, erm,
131
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,120
glamour.
132
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,040
Bridget Holmes' Diary.
133
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:04,360
It's more of a log book, really.
134
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,440
Having looked abroad for a suitable
match,
135
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,600
Elizabeth I is now looking
closer to home.
136
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,320
Your date, Elizabeth.
137
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,760
Lord Dudley!
138
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,400
Thank you very much.
139
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,240
Enjoy your date.
Will do, yeah. Thank you.
140
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,640
Brilliant. I haven't seen
you since we were kids.
141
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,840
Not still burping at the table,
are you? I hope not.
142
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,000
Those were the days, weren't they?
143
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,480
Fancy a quick game of
duck-duck-goose sometime?
144
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,080
Geese are such funny birds.
145
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,320
They just run around.
146
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,480
Yes. I'd definitely like to see him
again.
147
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,320
He's perfect. Oh, thank you.
148
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:45,680
I mean, that's fantastic.
149
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,280
I just need to...
150
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,360
check with my wife.
151
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,960
Wife? Mm-hm. Wife?
152
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,000
What?!
153
00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:00,720
Marriage between two rulers can be
complicated enough,
154
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,280
but marriage between two countries
can be even harder,
155
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,480
as James VI of Scotland found out
156
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,960
when he became James I of England
too.
157
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:14,520
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: As James VI...
158
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,520
..King of Scotland, and also...
159
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,800
IN ENGLISH ACCENT: ..James I,
King of England...
160
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,240
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..we're going to
need a new united flag.
161
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:32,280
Guys, chillax, the design cavalry
have ridden into town.
162
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:36,240
Clip, clop.
Welcome to Raising The Standards.
163
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,920
And that was actually my idea.
164
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:39,160
High five. So, OK,
165
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:42,640
we are the number one international
historical flag designers.
166
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:46,080
We are also the only international
historical flag designers.
167
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,200
Low ten. Great, cool.
168
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:49,960
So, let's just throw some ideas
around, see what sticks.
169
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,160
There are no bad ideas.
170
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:53,400
Bulldog eating a haggis.
171
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,920
Ultimate bull's-eye, get your
cloaks, we are done.
172
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,120
Bad idea.
173
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,160
Cloaks off, we're just getting
started.
174
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:01,920
On your marks, get set, boom.
175
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,240
I've started. Roast beef bagpipes.
176
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,480
Nom, nom, nom, yes, please.
177
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,480
Definitely not. OK, four words -
178
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,120
tar, tan, stone, henge.
179
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,000
Boom. Can I get an "och, aye"
for yes, please? Yes...
180
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,760
No, you cannot! I just want a
traditional flag.
181
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,120
Is that too much to ask?
182
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:19,840
OK, boring.
183
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,840
Scottish flag next to English flag,
me no likey,
184
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,680
but you da ruler, innit!
185
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,600
So, here you go.
186
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,520
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Well, as King of
Scotland, I like it.
187
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:30,960
He scores a goal!
188
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,040
IN ENGLISH ACCENT: But as King of
England, I hate it.
189
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,480
The Scots don't come first.
Disallowed, offside.
190
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,040
OK, how about this?
191
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:39,440
Oh, no, no, no.
192
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,640
They're on top of us,
for goodness' sake!
193
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,440
We need something
where we're equals!
194
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:50,080
OK, look, the last thing
we've got is this.
195
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,480
At last, we'll take it.
196
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,680
Just one more totally, crazy idea,
197
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,880
but we thought you might want to
include the cross of St Patrick
198
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,040
for Ireland at some point
in the future.
199
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:03,960
In which case, maybe,
something like...
200
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,360
Oh-ho-ho!
201
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,200
Well, if it happens, we'll take it.
202
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,720
I can't stand to be in the same room
as these idiots again.
203
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,720
Not you guys, no, you're cool.
204
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:13,760
Those.
205
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,040
How's that fair?
206
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,280
He's got two kingdoms
and I haven't got any.
207
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,200
But there is another way
to become a ruler,
208
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,120
and that's to crush all your rivals.
209
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,080
That's right,
some rulers weren't even kings,
210
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,400
they were just stronger and scarier
than everyone else.
211
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,280
We're calling them The Warlords.
212
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:36,120
HE ROARS
213
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,120
♪ Vlad the Impaler!
214
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,200
♪ Attila the Hun!
215
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:01,280
♪ Genghis Khan
Or Khan-age to my chums!
216
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:04,920
♪ Diplomacy - was not a fan
217
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,960
♪ But when it comes to killing -
Shaka can!
218
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,880
♪ Spike my enemies
As Impaler
219
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:16,840
♪ I like to have 'em on a stake
with my dinner
220
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,920
♪ I eat flesh of wolves
221
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,160
♪ Attila Hun
222
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:24,240
♪ Smashed all countries before
breakfast begun
223
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:27,480
♪ We were the warlords from hell!
224
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:32,560
♪ Specialise in death and upheaval
225
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:36,880
♪ The warlords from hell!
226
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:41,520
♪ Find in the dictionary
under "evil"
227
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,440
♪ Try the torturers
228
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,680
♪ Lock up your daughter-ers
229
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:48,080
♪ Warlords from hell!
230
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:53,320
♪ 7,000 I had to snuff
231
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:57,600
♪ Cos when my mummy died
they didn't cry enough
232
00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:01,000
♪ On rampages through villages
233
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:05,240
♪ 60,000 killed by pillages
and stuff
234
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:09,800
♪ My Huns terrorised
the Roman Empire
235
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:14,040
♪ I killed a million
Left them all to expire
236
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:17,680
♪ Mongol kingdom
stretched Europe to China
237
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,360
♪ I must have killed 40 million
238
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,320
♪ Could have gone higher!
239
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,160
♪ We were the warlords from hell!
240
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:26,600
♪ Killed my bro
241
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,200
♪ Mine tried to kill me - they wish
242
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:33,520
♪ The warlords from hell!
243
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:37,120
♪ Killed my bruv
He wouldn't give back my fish
244
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:42,000
♪ People thought I inspired
the story of Dracula
245
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:45,960
♪ Not killed with stake through
heart but death still spectacular
246
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:49,480
♪ Died while out hunting
I fell off my horse
247
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:53,920
♪ Killed by those pesky
half siblings of course
248
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:57,080
♪ Tough guy, Attila
You die in a fight?
249
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,280
♪ I died...
250
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,640
ALL: Yes?
251
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,000
Nose bleed on my wedding night.
252
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,160
You OK, Hun?
253
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,080
It was a really bad one, actually.
254
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:10,720
♪ We were the warlords from hell!
255
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:15,040
♪ All that's left of your town
is burnt embers
256
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,880
♪ World gone to pot
257
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,000
♪ We're as bad as it got
258
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,960
♪ Warlords...
259
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:30,840
♪ ..from hell! ♪
260
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,560
If you thought those rulers
were bad,
261
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,000
just wait till you see us Vikings.
262
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,320
When Viking leader Cnut, came to
England,
263
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:45,400
he caused carnage
trying to become king.
264
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:49,120
And he got plenty of help from one
particular new signing.
265
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,440
Welcome to Match Of The Danes!
266
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:55,960
And you join us at a press
conference with Viking manager,
267
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,840
Cnut the Great, about to reveal
his surprise new signing,
268
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:02,000
Thorkell the Tall!
Oh, well, you know,
269
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,480
Thorkell is a great lad, you know,
he's always giving 110%.
270
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,840
And delighted to have him back on
the team.
271
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,520
We brought home some great trophies
together in the past.
272
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,520
The Archbishop of Canterbury's head.
273
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:16,560
Especially good.
274
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,800
Well, now, that T's back
in the Vikings,
275
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,960
it should help turn the tide,
276
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:26,480
and hopefully get us back into
Europe.
277
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,680
Thorkell's a controversial signing
because until recently,
278
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,320
he was fighting on the other side -
for the Saxons!
279
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,200
Well, for a big man,
he's got great moves,
280
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,440
but can he really do it on a rainy
Tuesday night in Stoke?
281
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,000
That's the question.
Couldn't agree more.
282
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,040
Thorkell, what about Eadric Streona?
283
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,000
That's all we have time for,
thank you.
284
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,800
Who's Eadric Streona? Like you,
he fought for the Saxons,
285
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,560
transferred to Cnut, then got axed.
286
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:49,960
When you say axed...
287
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,440
No more questions, thank you.
288
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,320
Eadric Streona, did you...?
289
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,440
I said no more questions, please!
290
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,880
Not you, superstar,
I was talking to them.
291
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:08,680
Still single, Queen Elizabeth I is
attracting a lot of attention,
292
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,000
but choosing someone to marry
isn't easy.
293
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,600
She's hoping this first date will
set her heart aflutter.
294
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:15,760
Prince Eric, how are you?
295
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,120
I have date.
296
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:19,240
Fantastic, follow me.
297
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:24,040
Your Majesty, may I present you to
your date, Prince Eric of Sweden.
298
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,520
Enjoy your date.
299
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:29,760
Thank you.
300
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:34,200
Hello, would you like to be my
husband wife happy face?
301
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,480
No, just...no. Fred?
302
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,560
Your Majesty?
303
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,640
Take him away. At once. Thank you.
304
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:43,680
Come here.
305
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,320
Are you going to eat them?
Come here! It's enough!
306
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,400
Ah, remember, your Highness,
in order to win over the English
307
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:56,560
public after all that Viking
destruction you've caused,
308
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,480
you have to show them that you are
really, really, really,
309
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,320
really sorry.
Yes, I know, but are you sure
310
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,120
all this business with the beards
is really necessary?
311
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,800
I mean, it's hardly subtle.
I'm afraid it's vital you appear
312
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,960
as sorry as possible.
You've burned too many bridges.
313
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:17,400
Like, literally burned them.
And now you must mend those bridges.
314
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:20,320
Fine.
I will win over the English people.
315
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:23,840
But I still think the old
two-pronged beard was a lot cooler.
316
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:27,040
I mean, it was so pointy and...
317
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:29,040
..scary!
THE VIKINGS ALL YELL
318
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,840
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Stop it, all of you!
319
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:35,800
For the last time, you're not
scary Vikings any more.
320
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,680
What sort of Vikings are you?
321
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,600
ALL: Sorry Vikings!
322
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,520
Good. And don't think I didn't see
that axe.
323
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:43,560
Sorry.
324
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,200
All right?
325
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:47,480
What's up?
326
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,600
I am Cnut The Great,
your new king, whatever.
327
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,520
These are my boys.
328
00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,000
What's up? Hey.
329
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,480
Basically, we just wanted
to apologise,
330
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,520
for all the, you know,
destroying the churches
331
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:05,160
and killing of the bishops
and just the pillaging in general.
332
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,520
As you can see, we've made a bit
of an effort with the beards.
333
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,280
I hope you like them. Sorry.
334
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,960
Sorry for running
at the English forces,
335
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:17,640
the wind blowing in my lovely
blond hair.
336
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:21,720
Smashing the English army
and screaming like a Viking!
337
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:25,240
Pillage the village! Pillage the
village! Pillage the village!
338
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,040
But, yeah, mostly just a very sorry
Viking.
339
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,080
Well, you don't seem very sorry. One
of you just killed my only chicken.
340
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,800
That was him. I love chickens.
I love chickens, too.
341
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,360
Sorry for the chicken as well.
That's fine, just...
342
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:43,800
Sorry for my genius military
strategy of building a canal
343
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:45,960
to creep round the back of the
London army
344
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,400
and then running and screaming
like a Viking!
345
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,560
Pillage the village!
346
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:51,920
Stop it. Stop it!
347
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,560
You've just stabbed Derek. Yes.
348
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,520
Yes, I did. Derek, I'm sorry.
349
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,360
It's fine. Do you want me to
help...? No?
350
00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:01,400
It's fine. He can keep that.
351
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,360
We'll get you a new Derek.
Get me a bigger Derek.
352
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,440
A bigger Derek in the next village.
353
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,600
Which we will pillage!
354
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,640
ALL: Pillage the village!
Stop it! Sorry!
355
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:13,680
Sorry.
356
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:19,080
Ha! You know what I'd say if one of
those Vikings or Huns or Mongols
357
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,160
tried to tried to take my crown?
I'd say,
358
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,720
take it, it's all yours.
359
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,560
I don't think I'm cut out
to be a ruthless ruler.
360
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:32,520
Maybe I could be a gentle general
or a kind king.
361
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:36,520
I mean, there must have been some
rulers who were nice.
362
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:37,920
Mustn't there?
363
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,160
Ahem!
364
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:43,320
People of the vast and mighty
Persian Empire that stretches
365
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:47,960
from Greece to India.
A million Egyptians...
366
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,840
HE MUTTERS
Bactrian... Bactrians?
367
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,600
Aren't they camels? Erm...
368
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,080
Argh! From this day forth,
369
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,760
I, Xerxes the Great,
do hereby enshrine
370
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,480
in law the right to happiness.
371
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,880
They don't seem very excited, do
they, General? No, Your Majesty.
372
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,920
Or very happy.
373
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:15,160
You guys, never before has anyone
made being happy a law.
374
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,440
You know, I'm being very
liberal and also...
375
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,840
Er, excuse me, is this man
wearing an otter skin?
376
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,440
Er, it's difficult to tell.
377
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:26,840
I want to say cat.
The hunting of otters is illegal.
378
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:30,640
Execute him! No, no, no,
better idea.
379
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:34,600
Bury him alive and as he's waiting
to die, flick his ears really hard!
380
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:35,960
THE MAN SCREAMS
381
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,360
I'm a good guy.
I care about the happiness
382
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,560
of my people. Like this man, here.
383
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,040
Come on.
Now, I was on board this man's ship
384
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,440
when I got caught
in a terrible storm.
385
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,640
Oooh!
AUDIENCE GOES "OOOH"
386
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:53,720
Yes, yes. And he saved my life by
guiding the vessel to safety.
387
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:57,720
Yes, on your orders, I threw my crew
overboard to lighten the ship,
388
00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:01,960
so you'd survive. You, sir, will be
handsomely rewarded.
389
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,960
Oh, great, thank you!
390
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:07,400
On the other hand, it was your ship
that I was on
391
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,080
when I nearly drowned, wasn't it?
392
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,680
And you did murder all of your crew.
It was your idea.
393
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,800
Duh-duh-duh, yes, execute him!
394
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,120
No, please!
395
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:19,840
Cut him in two, put him on either
side of the road and get my army
396
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,520
to walk through him.
SWORD SLASHES AND MAN SCREAMS
397
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,240
Now, where was I?
398
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,640
Oh, yes, the right to happiness.
399
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,880
Ta-dah! No?
400
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,840
Still nothing?
I don't want to put any pressure
401
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:34,400
on you, but if you don't look happy
about the right to happiness,
402
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,280
then that might make me unhappy.
403
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,160
So, who's happy?
404
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,800
THEY CHEER LOUDLY
405
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,120
All right, all right,
don't make it look fake.
406
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,720
THEY CHEER LESS LOUDLY
Right, where's lunch?
407
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:56,240
Hello, I'm Queen Hatshepsut,
408
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:59,280
the first female Pharaoh
of ancient Egypt.
409
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,280
I brought about an age
of prosperity and spread our
410
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,160
power across the world.
Course you did, love,
411
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,760
course you did.
Now, why don't you go off and have
412
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,440
yourself a nice bubble bath
or put on some make-up,
413
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,520
something like that, leave
running the kingdom to us lads?
414
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,880
Yeah? Yeah. Off you pop.
415
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,560
As you can see, being the first
female ruler wasn't
416
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,800
without its difficulties.
My top tip for you if you'd
417
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,360
like to be taken seriously
is to wear a false beard.
418
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,640
I really had to do this. Oh, now you
really look like a proper Pharaoh.
419
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,760
Yeah, OK. What would you like me
to do, O mighty Pharaoh?
420
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,680
Anything?
Your wishes will be fulfilled.
421
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:39,120
I command you to go forth and build
statues in my honour.
422
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:40,400
Maybe something like...
423
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,160
Yeah, I'm not really feeling it,
to be honest.
424
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:49,480
Yes, right away, O mighty Pharaoh!
425
00:21:56,320 --> 00:22:01,000
18 years later and with her youthful
looks now fading, Queen Elizabeth
426
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,840
is on a first date with teenage heir
to the French throne,
427
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,120
Francis of Anjou.
428
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,720
Is he the man
she's been looking for?
429
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,960
Mother says I'm not allowed
to have wine.
430
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,440
SHE LAUGHS
431
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,320
Oh. OK.
432
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,080
Orange squash it is, then.
433
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,040
Or the very young man
she's been looking for?
434
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:24,000
So will you be seeing Francis
of Anjou for a second date?
435
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:27,200
Well, I'm not getting any younger
and he's quite attractive
436
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:32,720
in a youthful way so I sort of
agreed to marry him, and when I die,
437
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:36,640
France will rule England and...
Oh, no.
438
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,240
Hang on.
439
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,320
Francis? You're dumped!
440
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,960
Don't worry about it. There's plenty
more queens to choose from.
441
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,320
Just take it on the chin like a
man. Je ne sais pas!
442
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,000
Look, listen, just finish your
orange squash, and your fish
443
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,000
fingers are just on the way.
You'll be all right.
444
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,280
Come on, come on. Merci.
445
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:59,080
I'm Queen Victoria and during my
reign, I had many prime ministers.
446
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,800
There was Lord Melbourne,
447
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:04,680
the Earl of Derby,
Viscount Palmerston, Prince...
448
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:10,080
..Charming, uh, Earl...'s Court.
449
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:12,200
Fine, look,
I don't remember them all.
450
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:16,920
But one I do remember was a joyless
old man called William Gladstone.
451
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:18,320
I didn't like him at all.
452
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:20,640
So what did I do?
453
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,080
Did I...
454
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:33,880
The answer is A.
I made him stand up all
455
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,400
through our meetings.
People aren't allowed to sit down
456
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,280
until the King or Queen has sat.
457
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,040
Isn't that right, Gladstone?
458
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,680
Whatever you say, Your Majesty.
459
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:47,720
No.
460
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,760
No, no, no, no, no.
461
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,000
Hmmm...
462
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:00,240
Absolutely not! No.
463
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,120
Honestly, they are either attacking
you or they are being mean.
464
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:07,040
Well that's not the sort
of ruler I'm going to be.
465
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:09,840
No more crown or sash,
I want people to treat me
466
00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:12,000
just like everyone else.
467
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,400
Unlike Louis XIV of France.
468
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,960
He called himself The Sun King
and you really had to watch
469
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:21,720
your manners around him.
But manners back then were very
470
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,680
different from how they are now.
Mais oui!
471
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,320
George, I cannot believe
472
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,840
we are actually in
the Palace of Versailles.
473
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,000
It smells a bit funny,
474
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,880
but look at all the gold.
I love a bit of gold.
475
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:38,800
Darling, you are the English
ambassador's wife.
476
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:42,280
We're visiting King Louis XIV
of France, so please stop gawping.
477
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:45,000
Look at their wigs! I told you
mine was too small.
478
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:49,200
I've got more pressing concerns,
Charlotte. Oh, no, I need...
479
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:51,280
..le pee-pee.
480
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:54,320
Excusez-moi?
481
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,120
My husband needs to go toilet!
482
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,160
Toilet? There are no toilets in
Versailles.
483
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:01,320
You can go wherever...
484
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,040
..you like.
485
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,360
On ze staircase, in ze fireplace.
486
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:12,160
I usually like to go behind that
curtain, but it was occupied.
487
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,760
Oh, well,
that explains why it stinks.
488
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:18,040
Mm. And why the French have such
fabulous perfumes.
489
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,840
I'm going to have to just go in
the... Regarde!
490
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,640
King Louis has arrived.
491
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:28,520
Bienvenue, you must be
the new English ambassador.
492
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:32,040
Yes, yes, Your Majesty,
it is a pleasure to meet you.
493
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,960
Versailles is absolutely
magnificent.
494
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,720
Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!
495
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,800
Oui, oui. Yes, it's so full of oui,
oui, oui.
496
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:43,120
Charlotte! It has 700 rooms.
497
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:46,600
But no toilets. Bof! Toilets are...
498
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:49,240
Comment est-ce qu'on dit en anglais?
A waste of money.
499
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:52,600
HE FARTS
Oh! Commode!
500
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:56,160
I trust your journey was pleasant.
Oh, my goodness.
501
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:01,400
The road from Calais can be painful.
502
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:04,960
Boulders are...
HE FARTS AND PLOPS
503
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,280
..everywhere. Well...
504
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,440
..when in Versailles...
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
505
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:12,480
THEY ALL GASP
506
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:15,240
What?
507
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,240
Everyone else is doing a wee-wee.
508
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,400
You dare to turn your back
on a King, sir?
509
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,560
Your Majesty!
510
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,800
You are an animal, sir, an animal!
511
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:29,520
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
512
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:33,000
Can we go? I don't think I can.
513
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:34,840
Not with all these people watching.
514
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,000
Queen Elizabeth is back,
still looking for love.
515
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,520
And so is Lord Dudley.
516
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,400
You again! How's your wife?
517
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:49,800
Erm...
518
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,600
Well, she's dead, actually.
Fell down some stairs,
519
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:54,880
broke her neck.
Absolute nightmare.
520
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:56,680
But it does mean we can get married.
521
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,800
Well, won't people think you killed
her? There's no proof.
522
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,360
Because I didn't do it.
Why would there be proof?
523
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:07,240
She, er, slipped. On some loose
carpet. I reckon. Probably.
524
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,400
Well, I can't be involved in
a scandal, so we can't get married.
525
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:13,160
But, if you marry anyone else,
I'll make your life hell,
526
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,600
and a misery, and awful.
527
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,320
That is why I love you.
528
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:20,360
And fear you.
529
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:29,600
That's right. I'm married to
England. Suits me just fine.
530
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,440
No snoring in bed.
And I think it means that
531
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:36,680
everyone in the country has to buy
me a present so, win-win.
532
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:37,960
See you in Hampton Court.
533
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,320
You'll be all right. Thanks, Fred.
534
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,520
IN FRENCH:
535
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,240
That's kind. I've already eaten.
536
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:52,280
Your Majesty? Bonjour.
537
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,560
I know I'm just a common frog,
but if you kiss me I could turn
538
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:59,080
into a prince and we could live
happily ever after.
539
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:00,960
Go on, then.
540
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:02,000
SHE GASPS
541
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:03,880
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
542
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:08,920
♪ Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories. ♪
41943
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