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♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
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00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,600
♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,520
♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,280
♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
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♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
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♪ Cavemen, savage,
fierce and toothless
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♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
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♪ Gory stories, we do that
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♪ And your host, a talking rat
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♪ The past is no longer a mystery
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♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories. ♪
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Horrible Histories presents...
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Ah, romance. Finding a perfect
partner can be tricky.
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If at first you don't succeed,
try, try again.
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That is certainly what Henry VIII
did.
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He had a grand total of six wives.
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Yes, six.
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Everyone is looking for that
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00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:56,520
special one in their life
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00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,400
and for a king they
must be royally special.
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Welcome to Historical First Dates.
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Henry VIII of England has arrived
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for his first date.
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Yeah, I'm pretty nervous.
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But...they tell me she's fit.
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Catherine is a princess of
a powerful country
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and a devout Catholic.
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I just pray she's good at
real tennis.
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I'm Henry. Catherine.
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BOTH: Oh, no.
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She's also Henry's dead brother's
widow.
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Seriously, does no-one check if the
dates were married to your brother?
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Surely that's page one?
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00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,920
Along with, does she play real
tennis?
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00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,200
This is a bit of a nonstarter,
isn't it?
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I mean, the Tudor Church doesn't
even recognise in-laws as a thing,
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so you're actually my sister.
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This is not ancient Egypt, so...
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It is a total disaster.
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I am the daughter of the most
powerful king in all of Europe
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and there is not that many people
my Spanish father
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would be happy with me marrying.
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Your brother was perfect...
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till he died.
Yeah, although you guys
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weren't married that long, were you?
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Si. This is true.
I could ask the Pope
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to say that you weren't married
long enough for it to count,
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kind of like a four-second rule,
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00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,960
when you drop a biscuit on the floor
or a piece of salami.
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00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,360
Yes. I mean, he's bound to agree.
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How hard can this be? OK.
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Then, brother, we shall be married.
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Maybe drop the whole brother thing
though, yeah? Will do.
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So it went pretty well?
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Si, si, I shall be marrying the heir
to the throne of England...
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again. I mean, for the first time.
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The other first time did not count.
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Good time, sis.
I mean, wife, not sis.
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Unfortunately, the marriage wasn't
to last.
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Henry divorced Catherine of Aragon
24 years later
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and he was single again.
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Lucky fella.
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00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,080
What do you mean by that?
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Ratalie, I didn't know you were
there.
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You smell lovely.
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00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,920
Is that Raw Sewage by Lady Gag?
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Don't you try and flatter me,
Rattus.
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If you think being single is
wonderful, why don't you try it?
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We are through.
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00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,640
Ratalie, I don't want to be single.
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I'll have to wash my armpits and
brush my whiskers
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and put in some actual effort.
I've forgotten how, frankly.
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Wait, I know.
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00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,280
Who are the most fashionable people
in the world?
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The Italians.
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Maybe I could learn a thing or two
from them.
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00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,480
Bruv, you look fresh, yeah?
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Thanks, fam. So jealous of your
curves, though, man.
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They are lit.
What? These little things?
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Yeah, bruv. What's your secret?
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00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,640
Weights? Cardio?
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Tights. Tights, bro?
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Tights are tight. Check this.
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Get some spare tights, you get me?
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00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:47,280
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tights,
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like the must-have for every Italian
Renaissance guy because they make
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you look like leggy and whatnot.
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00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:54,560
Yeah, but these tights, fam,
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you stuff them down your shirt.
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I call it a "buff stuff".
Buff stuff.
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00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,040
Oh, man, that is perfection!
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00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,520
You got swag. Man, this is on point.
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Whoa.
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Talking of point...
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Check it.
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Props, man.
Man, those shoes are on fleek, yeah?
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00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,600
I'm going to have to up my game.
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00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,000
Man going to see you come into
the room 30 seconds
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before you get in it, innit?
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00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,480
They're the latest thing in Milan,
man.
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00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,480
Yeah, but, man, can you dance in
those?
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BOTH: Whoa!
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Can I dance?
Does that answer your question?
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Man is going to slay.
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00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,520
Guys, guys, check this.
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00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,640
Oh, yeah, bruv, you've got a little
bit of bum showing there, man.
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00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,720
Only a little bit? How about now?
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00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:41,800
Nice, yes, that's the one, man.
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Keep that, yeah.
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00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,360
OK, squad, we good to go?
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00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:45,600
Yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait.
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First, selfie.
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Obviously.
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Selfie stick.
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Squeeze in together.
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Nice. Hashtag Renaissance boys!
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♪ Ah... ♪
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Hello. I'm Saint Valentine,
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00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:12,000
a very holy man, who is remembered
for trying to help people find love.
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It eventually got me into a great
deal of trouble and I was executed
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for doing it. A great sacrifice.
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00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,760
But how do you remember me?
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By sending each other stupid cards.
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"Roses are red, violets are blue!
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00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,320
"Here is a Valentine's card,
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00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:33,080
"which has actually nothing to do
with Saint Valentine."
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And 1861 was the first
time...
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Well, actually, do you know what
people sent each other for the first
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00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,840
time in 1861?
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00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:46,200
Was it... A, fluffy teddy bears
holding a heart?
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00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:51,880
B, boxes of chocolates, or C,
heart-shaped cupcakes?
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The answer is...
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B, boxes of chocolates.
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Mr Cadbury was trying to find
another use
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00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,960
for his drinking chocolate,
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00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,840
so he made little chocolate treats
and put them in a box
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00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:07,800
with hearts all over it. And people
actually ate these silly,
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00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,800
you know, delicious...
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00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,680
Very delicious...
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00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,840
These are very good,
have you tried these?
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00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,280
These are glorious.
I think I might take the box.
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No...
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Right, internet dating.
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Apparently, I need to look smart and
make a short video
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00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,640
to show myself off. Here goes.
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Hi, my name is Rattus.
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00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,040
I'm 44 centimetres tall and have all
my own teeth.
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Classy.
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00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,640
I'm looking for a lady who
likes eating out...
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00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:42,440
of bins...and whose name is
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Ratalie.
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00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,760
Oh, Ratalie, why did you leave me?!
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00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,480
HE SOBS
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You know, the internet is a funny
place to find a date,
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00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:55,200
but there have been much stranger
ways in history.
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00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,760
Tall, skinny potage mit herby
sprinkles.
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00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,200
Thanks, Gertrude. Welcome.
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00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,080
You like her, don't you? What?
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00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:08,920
Gertrude, no.
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00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:10,200
Yeah, I do, I do. Quite a lot.
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00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,280
Yeah. Well, you know what you have
to do, don't you?
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00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,920
Yeah, I know, I know.
Go over there, talk to her,
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00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,200
give her a bit of the old
charm, boom.
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00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:20,280
What? No. This is medieval Bavaria,
mate.
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You don't just talk to her.
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Don't worry. It's easy.
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All you need to do is conjure up
a demon.
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00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,200
A demon? Yeah. Conjure up a demon,
demon bewitches girl,
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girl falls in love with boy and
job's a good 'un.
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I think I'll go over there
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and see if she fancies a picnic.
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That is so lame.
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Do you even know how to summon
a demon?
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00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,360
Of course I know how to summon
a demon.
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00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:51,720
I've done it on numerous occasions,
but just to check...
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How would you do that, please?
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All you need is a dove.
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DOVE COOS!
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00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,520
A dove?
DOVE COOS!
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00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,200
Right. Then you need to drain
the dove's blood.
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00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,680
SQUELCH!
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00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,600
Then use it to draw picture of
the woman on a female dog skin.
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00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,440
SQUELCH!
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00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,920
Great. OK. So, dove's blood,
dog's skin, lady picture.
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00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,160
Got it. Then you need to write
the name of the demon
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00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,720
on the dog skin drawing
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00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,960
and burn some myrrh and saffron to
fumigate it,
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00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,440
and hang it around your neck.
189
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,720
So, from the beginning, it's dove's
blood, dog skin, lady picture,
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00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,440
demon's name, hideous necklace.
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00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,680
Yes.
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00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,480
Then you need to go to
a secret place,
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00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,360
draw a circle in the dirt with
a sword and stand in the middle.
194
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,560
And that's it?
Yes. How would you do it?
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00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,080
Pretty much the same, yeah.
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00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,720
What are you waiting for, chap?
Go get her!
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00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,000
MAN CHANTS
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00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,560
Just my luck. Now Fabian's
chatting her up.
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00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:44,880
This is really...
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00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:47,640
Told you, dude,
it's the demon dog skin.
201
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,280
Do you have a girlfriend, then?
202
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,000
No. No.
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00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,000
Did not think so.
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00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,840
For some, the lightning strikes
first time.
205
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,880
But, for others, love can be harder
to find.
206
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:05,360
King Henry is back looking for
the one...
207
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,000
..or another the one.
208
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,240
How's it going? I'm Henry.
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00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,920
Wow!
210
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,320
Fit.
211
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:22,000
So...game on. Let's get working
on this male heir, shall we?
212
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,240
You free tomorrow? Yes.
213
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,320
Let's get married. Yeah.
214
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,600
I probably should have mentioned
this...
215
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,720
I am actually married already.
216
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,560
Then divorce her.
217
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:36,120
That's a good idea. Problem is,
218
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,560
I'm a massive Catholic and
we don't really do divorce.
219
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:43,120
Plus, she hasn't really done
anything wrong
220
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,440
for the 17 years we've been
together. It's tricky.
221
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,280
It's a little bit tricky.
It's tricky.
222
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,520
Goodbye. Wait! I have an idea.
223
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,640
It looks like you managed to sort
out the divorce issue.
224
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,280
Yes, yes. It was actually very
simple.
225
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,920
All I had to do was dismantle
the entire Catholic church
226
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,920
throughout England and Wales,
set up a brand-new church
227
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,960
with myself as the head,
and grant myself a divorce.
228
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,160
Simples. It was actually quite
a lot of work.
229
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:12,440
I'm really happy.
230
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,840
I could really
lose my head over with one.
231
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,760
Good times.
232
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,160
Henry made Anne Boleyn
his second wife,
233
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,480
but just three years later
he had her head chopped off.
234
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,320
Still, at least they loved each
other at the start.
235
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,800
Some royals get married
236
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,000
just to make their country richer
and more powerful.
237
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,560
Royal marriages can be
dead complicated.
238
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,680
You join us for the royal wedding of
the British Prince of Wales,
239
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,800
Frederick, to the German Princess
Augusta.
240
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,000
What a thrill it is to be here...
241
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,440
at such short notice.
242
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:47,960
King George II and Queen Caroline of
Britain here.
243
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,240
Frederick warmly greeting his
royal parents.
244
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:55,160
And here she is, the radiant young
bride, Princess Augusta herself.
245
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,000
Clinging to her mother's skirts as
246
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,120
she is tenderly dragged down
the aisle.
247
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,000
How utterly charming.
248
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,480
And of course what a whirlwind
courtship it has been.
249
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,680
It was only last month that
Prince Frederick
250
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:08,240
agreed to marry this woman,
whom he had never met,
251
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,920
so that his lovely parents would
252
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,000
give him lots of their delightful
money.
253
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,520
Now comes that magical moment
when the bride and
254
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,720
groom are finally face-to-face.
255
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,400
I'm expecting fireworks.
256
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,840
SHE VOMITS
257
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:25,960
What a wonderful outpouring of
emotion from such a young princess.
258
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,320
I think Queen Caroline may have been
hit by a bit of the splashback.
259
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,360
What a thoughtful
and fitting tribute
260
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,280
to the bride's new mother-in-law.
261
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:37,480
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
262
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,360
Augusta, of course,
not understanding a word
263
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,720
the Archbishop says
264
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:44,080
as she only speaks German.
265
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,720
Queen Caroline translating there,
266
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,360
obviously as keen as the rest of us
267
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:51,720
for this fragrant young woman
268
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:52,920
to join the Royal Family...
269
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,960
..and inject a bit of cash
at the same time.
270
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,960
Very good, very good.
We're all married now, aren't we?
271
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,280
Well done, me. Come on.
272
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:05,560
Oh, you absolutely stink of vomit.
273
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,600
Prince Frederick there really is
head over heels for his new bride.
274
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:12,480
Quite literally.
275
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,280
Oh, simply marvellous.
276
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:15,640
I'm welling up.
277
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:18,880
Love works in mysterious ways.
278
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,880
But even married couples
can't always be together,
279
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,760
and in times of war, many
have found themselves separated
280
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,160
from their loved ones.
281
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,280
But not for these ancient Greeks.
282
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,600
They took them with them.
283
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:36,840
Men of the Sacred band of Thebes,
we are famous across the world!
284
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,800
Armies quake at our name
285
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,480
because they know that,
for every man we face,
286
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,240
they face two! Hoo-ha!
287
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:49,720
We are the only regiment in
the world made up of couples!
288
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:51,240
Hoo-ha!
289
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,440
Excuse me. Sorry, sorry, everyone.
290
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,360
We're late. Carry on.
We weren't late.
291
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:58,880
He was. Typical. A bit of forward
planning wouldn't go amiss.
292
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,920
Can we not do this now, please?
293
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,760
HE MOUTHS: I'm sorry.
294
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:08,640
We fight in pairs because
we know that, no matter what,
295
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:13,200
when our lives are in danger,
our partners will be there for us!
296
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,520
That would be a nice change,
wouldn't it?
297
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,280
Men, on my signal,
298
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,880
march! Hoo-ha!
299
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,320
Hang on. What?!
300
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:23,680
One second. Sorry, Malcolm.
301
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,800
I really think we should talk about
this now.
302
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,440
I would hate for you to have this
playing on your mind when you're
303
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,560
supposed to be protecting me from
a Spartan attack.
304
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,600
Well, what if I don't want to
talk now?
305
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,360
What do you mean? You can't do that.
306
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,600
Guys, can we please speed it up?
307
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,520
I mean, we do have a battle
to go to.
308
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,360
I don't want to lose just because
309
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,160
of some petty argument
about someone being late.
310
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,960
So being late isn't important?
311
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,120
Two hours my mum kept that
meal warm for you.
312
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:49,520
I didn't... I didn't mean that.
313
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,480
Please don't undermine me in front
of my men, it's embarrassing.
314
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,040
Excuse me.
315
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,680
I mean, our men. Our men.
316
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,520
Typical, this is so typical of you.
317
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,520
How was it typical of me?
It's always the same.
318
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,720
I don't think we should do this
in front of the men.
319
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,840
Well, I don't think we should be
doing it but we are.
320
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:07,360
OK. All right, all right.
321
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,600
If we all argue,
we will miss the battle.
322
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,160
Not like you to miss something.
323
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:12,560
Oh, here we go again.
324
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,920
Yes, here we go again, actually.
Unbelievable.
325
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,760
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
326
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,280
You wait a minute.
327
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,280
See? This is why we Spartans
don't allow couples in our army.
328
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,160
Hey, don't push him, please.
329
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:27,640
Shove-y Sheila.
330
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,680
Shall we attack? I'm not getting in
the middle of that.
331
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:34,880
Together at last,
332
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,960
the most romantic love letters of
all-time set to music,
333
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,840
featuring their original words...
334
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,080
Including the ancient Egyptian
classic...
335
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,960
♪ Ooh, aah
336
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,600
♪ My heart is carefree
337
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,920
♪ Like a redfish in its fish pond
338
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,680
♪ Your voice rejuvenates me like fat
339
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,000
♪ Mixed with honey
340
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:59,000
♪ Your love has joined to me like
incense to the nose
341
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,200
♪ I'm exhilarated without beer
342
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,240
♪ He's exhilarated without beer
343
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,480
♪ Without beer!
344
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,320
♪ Yeah, yeah, without beer! ♪
345
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,440
And the soaring love letters of
346
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,800
Russian Czar Nicholas II
and Czarina Alexandra.
347
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,440
♪ You are my very life, sweetheart
348
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,640
♪ Off you go again alone
349
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:27,120
♪ No more kisses and tender caresses
for so long
350
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:28,960
♪ I love you, I long for you
terribly
351
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,560
♪ I kiss you tenderly and love you
infinitely
352
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:33,840
♪ Farewell till our next meeting,
my darling Alexey
353
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,640
♪ Yours eternally,
your old hubby, Nicky. ♪
354
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:37,600
Peace out.
355
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,400
And from the Emperor of
France and his notorious lover
356
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:44,800
comes the country ballad that took
Europe by storm. Well, most of it.
357
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:48,960
♪ Josephine, Josephine, Josephine,
Josephine
358
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:54,600
♪ Not a word from you,
what on earth have I done?
359
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,920
♪ To think only of you,
to love only Josephine
360
00:15:57,920 --> 00:15:59,360
♪ To live only for my wife
361
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,800
♪ Does this deserve such harsh
treatment from her?
362
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,920
♪ You alone who rules my heart knows
only too well
363
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,040
♪ The power you hold over me
364
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,440
♪ Write to me, think of me
and love me
365
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:11,800
♪ Josephine! ♪
366
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,640
Yours ever for life, Bonaparte.
367
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,960
It's drippy, it's soppy
368
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,560
and you need a copy.
369
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:25,840
Order it now.
370
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,480
Some are lucky in love.
371
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,120
They meet the woman of their dream
372
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,360
and then spend the rest of their
life with them.
373
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:38,640
Others just chopped their heads off.
374
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,840
King Henry is back looking
for the next,
375
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,200
next special one in his life.
376
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,400
The specially special special one.
377
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,960
Hi, hi, hi.
378
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,080
How's it going?
379
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,320
Henry. Jane Seymour.
380
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,960
Look, I'm... I'm sorry if I don't
seem in a great mood.
381
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,720
I'm just getting over a pretty tough
break-up.
382
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,880
I'm sorry to hear that.
You must be heartbroken.
383
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,520
Yes. Well, to be fair,
it's harder on her.
384
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,640
I mean, she is in bits.
385
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:07,560
GUILLOTINE SLICES
386
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,720
Look, do you want to get married?
I need a male heir pretty sharpish.
387
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,400
Yes? Great. Cheque.
388
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,040
Henry, you look really happy.
389
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,760
Well, I am. Really happy.
390
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,520
She's the best one yet.
She's a winner.
391
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:25,200
A keeper. Not a divorcey.
392
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,480
Not a, you know, choppy.
393
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,960
She's a keeper AND she's brilliant
at real tennis.
394
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,880
Fantastic drop shot. Good times...
395
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,760
I hope. Yes.
396
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,120
BELL TOLLS
397
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,680
She died.
398
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,880
Yeah. Pretty upset about that,
actually.
399
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,240
King Henry is back.
400
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,760
Blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda.
Special one in his life.
401
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,240
Blah, blah, you know.
402
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,880
Hey. How's it going?
403
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:52,560
I'm...
404
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:54,520
not... Henry VIII.
405
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,520
Wrong restaurant.
406
00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:58,840
Taxi!
407
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,120
Henry, tell us what happened.
408
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,720
So we kind of had to get married
in the end.
409
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:08,640
Politics. But we got divorced
straight after and I gave her
410
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,560
a bunch of properties, so she
can live off the rent and it's all
411
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,760
pretty much cool, basically. Yeah.
412
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,880
I'm straight back in
to the next one,
413
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,240
which could be the one.
414
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,680
Or the...third.
415
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,240
Or fourth. Which one is it?
416
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:25,600
The fifth.
417
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:32,040
King Henry just kept rushing
into marriage after marriage.
418
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,680
You wouldn't catch me doing that.
419
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,800
My name is Rattus and I'll marry
anyone
420
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,480
who will go on a date with me.
421
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,520
They don't even have to come to
the wedding.
422
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,600
Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
423
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:45,960
Take a look at this couple.
424
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,560
We are gathered here today
to witness the marriage of
425
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:54,200
King Alfonso III, King of Aragon,
and Princess Eleanor.
426
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,320
Oi! That is not Eleanor.
427
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,520
Is it? Eleanor cannot be here today,
428
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,680
it is a long way to travel
from England,
429
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:06,000
but John De Vesci
is here as her proxy.
430
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,280
Delighted to meet you.
431
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,320
No need to do the voice.
432
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,240
I'm definitely not marrying
this man in a dress.
433
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:15,960
No, no. I told him the dress was
not necessary but he insisted.
434
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,280
Well, you can't blame me for wanting
to look nice.
435
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,520
It's supposed to be the happiest day
of my life.
436
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,320
No, because you are not
Princess Eleanor.
437
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,000
It is not the happiest day of
your life,
438
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,840
it is the happiest day of her life.
439
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:29,200
It's definitely not going to be the
happiest day of my life if I have to
440
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,440
marry him. He is not your wife.
441
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,720
Yet. John!
442
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,120
Stop it. Ready?
443
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,320
Do you, King Alfonso,
444
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:43,160
take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
445
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,800
Sorry, who am I again?
King Alfonso the III.
446
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,960
OK, but I don't know if I can
do his voice.
447
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,720
You can absolutely do his voice
448
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,960
because you are King Alfonso III.
449
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,280
Oh! Si, claro! Got it.
450
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,880
Good point. OK, let's do this.
451
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:00,760
Do you, Princess Eleanor,
452
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,400
take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
453
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,320
I do! No, you don't!
454
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,200
You are King Alfonso III.
455
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,800
I'm not asking you!
456
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:12,160
I do. I promised I wouldn't cry,
but...
457
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:16,680
By the power vested in me,
you are now man and wife.
458
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,200
You may now kiss the bride.
459
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:22,960
No! What are you doing?!
That is the best man!
460
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,160
How could you?
461
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,800
OK, you're married,
I'm out of here. Peace out.
462
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,920
BELLS RING
463
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,440
Please! Don't be like this!
464
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:31,960
Come back, darling!
465
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:37,360
I'm Shah Jahan, a Mughal emperor of
India.
466
00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:41,400
I'm just showing my builders how big
I want my Taj Mahal to be.
467
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:42,760
No, no, bigger!
468
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,360
I want snow on the top!
469
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:50,080
When it's finished, my Taj Mahal
will be spectacular,
470
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:54,760
but can you tell me
why I'm building it?
471
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,000
Is it A, to say thank you to my
472
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:01,280
favourite wife for making me
a delicious pudding,
473
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:05,720
B, to apologise to my favourite wife
for leaving the toilet seat up, or
474
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,520
C, a tribute to my favourite wife
as she has sadly passed away?
475
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,600
The answer is C, a tribute
to my favourite wife
476
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,520
after she sadly passed away.
477
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:19,000
I started building it in 1632
as a romantic gesture
478
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,600
to honour the memory of
my late wife.
479
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:25,080
It's such a shame
when your favourite wife dies.
480
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:28,920
Yes, I've got others
but she was the best.
481
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,800
No, no, bigger. You know that thing
you've just built?
482
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,160
That but bigger.
483
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,400
You just can't get the staff
these days.
484
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:44,880
So Shah Jahan dedicated his
Taj Mahal to his lost love.
485
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:48,440
But even when you have found love,
it can still be difficult.
486
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:52,520
In France, Marie Antoinette and
Louis XVI celebrated their wedding
487
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,560
with a lavish ceremony and thousands
of well-wishers.
488
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,360
Then, as the day drew to a close,
489
00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:00,360
they looked forward to spending
some quality time
490
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,120
alone together, or did they?
491
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,520
So here we are alone, my wife,
492
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,000
on our wedding night.
493
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,120
Just you and me.
494
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:12,120
Oh! Oh! Oh! >
495
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,800
So sweet! >
496
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,160
Just you and me and the courtiers,
who follow our every move.
497
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:21,520
Oh, don't mind us, Marie Antoinette.
We are not here.
498
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:24,600
Yeah, but you kind of are, though.
499
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,160
This is the Royal Court.
500
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,400
There is no privacy here.
501
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:31,120
We watch everything - royal deaths,
royal weddings, even royal births.
502
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,440
Oh, I love a good birth.
503
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:34,760
Oh, me too.
504
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:35,960
So cute.
505
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,160
So gross.
506
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,600
But don't worry, you can rely on us
507
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,360
to tell everyone else
all about it tomorrow.
508
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:44,880
Er, what do we do now?
509
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:49,640
I think perhaps a kiss
is traditional.
510
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:53,040
A kiss, that is the thing with
the... Oui.
511
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,840
I think it goes something like...
512
00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:01,320
ALL: Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
513
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:03,440
That is not how you kiss,
your Highness.
514
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,120
You put your mouth together
like this.
515
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:07,680
Yeah, like an angry trout.
516
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:11,600
No, no, no.
It should be more like a salmon.
517
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,960
A cross salmon.
Who wants to kiss a salmon?
518
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,880
A mackerel, your Highness.
519
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:19,200
Like a mackerel. A cod. Cod.
520
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:20,320
No.
521
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,240
No, no, no. This kissing business is
too difficult.
522
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:24,840
I want to play with my clocks.
523
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,360
You don't have to kiss a clock.
524
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:27,920
In fact, it is discouraged.
525
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,640
Right. OK.
526
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:33,520
I've had enough of this. Everyone
out of the bedroom, please.
527
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,480
Come on. Out! Allez!
528
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,240
I cannot think why.
529
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,760
Party pooper.
530
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,800
Everyone. Yes.
531
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,240
I can see you. Off you pop.
532
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,280
Not you.
533
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:55,040
Oh, second thoughts, night-night.
534
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:03,920
He is back. Number five. I give up.
535
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,920
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
536
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,960
Easy, easy, easy, easy.
537
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:16,840
OK. I've been divorced, executed one
wife and another died.
538
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:19,880
But I'm the King,
so you have to marry me.
539
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,760
OK. I'm Katherine Howard.
540
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,040
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
541
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:25,160
Who's this guy?
542
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:26,920
I'm Thomas Culpeper.
543
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,960
I'm her boyf... ..frumple.
Boyfrumple.
544
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,400
It's a new word for servant,
or assistant. Ow!
545
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,600
Henry, I can't help noticing
that Catherine isn't with you.
546
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:42,560
No. Turns out there was something
going on with that young man.
547
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:45,640
Amazing. I was told he was
a boyfrumple.
548
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,200
Who knew?
549
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,000
Anyway, had to have her executed,
naturally.
550
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:54,160
It was a shame but it does mean
I'm back on the market.
551
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,240
To be honest, I'm getting on a bit.
552
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,240
What I really need is a nurse.
553
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,480
What's your name? Catherine Parr.
554
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,440
Do you want to get married,
Catherine?
555
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,160
You'll be pretty much
the same as now,
556
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,840
except you'll be wearing diamonds
557
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,640
and when you help me into the room
next time everyone will address you
558
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:14,840
as "Your Majesty".
559
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:16,320
Erm, yeah, OK, cool.
560
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,200
Great. Good times.
561
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,480
You still have to wipe bot-bot
though. Hmm.
562
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,320
Oh, sorry.
563
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:30,160
Catherine Parr was the last of
Henry's six wives
564
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:32,840
and they were still married
when he died,
565
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:36,840
so he kind of has a happy ending
and so do me and Ratalie.
566
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:41,680
We are back together and I'm going
to ask her to marry me.
567
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,960
Oh, Ratalie.
568
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:48,040
Please accept this ring of
100% pure cheese and make me
569
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,120
the happiest rat in the world.
570
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,680
Oh, Rattus, of course.
571
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,360
Hang on, where's the ring?
572
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:59,480
Oh, I ate that. I was hoping
you'd be happy with the box.
573
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,800
SHE SCREAMS
574
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:06,680
Oh, well. Looks like I'm single
again. I guess it's not all bad.
575
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:11,880
This famous 18th-century Italian
certainly seemed to enjoy himself.
576
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,720
Take it away, Casanova.
577
00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:23,920
♪ Hey, come on over
578
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:25,760
♪ I'll tell you the story of
Casanova
579
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:29,320
♪ I'm the hobo who...
580
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,560
♪ Me, a musician, spy, diplomat,
dandy, physician
581
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,880
♪ Gambler, soldier, broker,
self-taught
582
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:37,080
♪ Catholic priest, astronaut
583
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:38,680
♪ OK, that last was a lie
584
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,920
♪ But none of this what I am
585
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:42,560
♪ Remembered by
586
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,360
♪ I can't work out
587
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:45,920
♪ Oo-ooh, just look at those eyes
588
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:47,680
♪ Such well-dressed eyes
589
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,720
♪ I, of all the guys
I, I drive them wild
590
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,760
♪ Helped cure a senator having a fit
591
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,160
♪ In noble circles I became a hit
592
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,520
♪ Allowed me to adopt this lifestyle
to wit
593
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,040
♪ To wit, to wit
594
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:07,280
♪ He's well lush and we know it
595
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,760
♪ He's tasty and he show it
596
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,400
♪ Claim to write for Mozart
597
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,520
♪ But mostly care about breaking
girls' hearts
598
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:19,000
♪ Bought jewels, gave up prayers
599
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,720
♪ My mind too busy on other affairs
600
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,320
♪ Invented the lottery,
France a big fan
601
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:28,440
♪ But falling in love
is still my big plan
602
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,160
♪ Till one lady said
603
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:31,720
♪ You dirty old man
604
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,360
♪ Old man, old man
605
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:36,200
♪ I was past it and I knew it
606
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:40,000
♪ No love life and I blew it
607
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,080
♪ Lost confidence in love
and fighting
608
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,760
♪ Dedicate my life to writing
609
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:48,600
♪ Wave goodbye to Casanova
610
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:50,360
♪ My life as a great lover over
611
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,200
♪ He wrote this book,
Story Of My Life
612
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,080
♪ Every love affair
and cheating wife
613
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:56,040
♪ 130 all said and done
614
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,040
♪ You wriggled your way out
of every one
615
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,680
♪ Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle,
wriggle, wriggle
616
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,960
♪ Wriggle, wriggle,
wriggle, wriggle, wriggle,
wriggle, wriggle, wriggle
617
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,000
♪ I was well lush and I knew it
618
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,920
♪ But that life I outgrew it
619
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:10,680
♪ A new life thought I'd try it now
620
00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:12,600
♪ Librarian, so quiet. ♪
621
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:13,800
Shhhhh!
622
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,800
Hello, again. Oh, no, that's
an English accent. Sorry.
623
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:21,880
Forgot I was French.
624
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:25,120
Alfonso!
How could you?
625
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,440
Ay...caramba!
626
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:29,760
♪ The past is
no longer a mystery
627
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:34,880
♪ Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories. ♪
47177
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