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1
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:12,360
Hey, Julie?
2
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,400
Oh, hey.
3
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,320
Happy Christmas, Len.
4
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,000
Oh.
5
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,440
I'm sorry, we couldn't afford
Christmas cards this year.
6
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,080
Oh, thanks, love.
7
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,880
At least we get our bonus today.
Ooh!
8
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,680
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
9
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:36,960
The Dry White Toilet Tissue Company
10
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,320
want to say thank you for all
your hard work this year.
11
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,400
So, as a token of our appreciation,
12
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:48,080
we'd like to give you
a dozen of our finest bog rolls.
13
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,520
Merry Christmas.
14
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:01,920
I can't even afford to buy
a present for my son.
15
00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:05,800
Do you want them or not?
16
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:14,480
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
17
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,000
Merry Christmas.
18
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,280
Oh, keep your chin up, Len.
19
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,560
Things will get better.
20
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,200
Well, they can't get any worse.
21
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,080
THEY LAUGH
22
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:30,800
Erm...
23
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,440
Happy Christmas.
24
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:35,680
And to you.
25
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:38,600
Ooh.
26
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:32,720
Hiya.
27
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:39,480
Christmas might not be that
fancy schmancy this year, son.
28
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,760
Don't worry, Dad. Come on. I'll put
the kettle on.
29
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,720
See you later, boys.
See you, lads.
30
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:06,120
Oh!
31
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,640
Thanks, Joe.
32
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:12,040
It's last year's.
33
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,360
I got it for a pound.
34
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,640
Sorry, Dad. Don't be.
35
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,760
Hey, I love it.
36
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,040
Here...
37
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:26,480
Happy Christmas, Joe.
38
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,000
Thanks.
39
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:34,600
I made it for you.
40
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,440
Yeah, I can see.
41
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,800
Best put Christmas dinner on.
42
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,000
HE SOBS
43
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,760
I'll get you a proper present next
year, Joe, I promise.
44
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:14,760
I don't know where I'll find
the money from but I promise.
45
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,160
Dry on one side...
46
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,680
..moist on the other.
47
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,080
Absorbent
48
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,880
and refreshing.
49
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,840
Oh, that's it.
50
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,960
That's it.
51
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,520
This is the future of bum wiping.
52
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,560
I've invented a new bog roll!
53
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,160
What? Yes!
54
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,920
Moist on one side,
55
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,120
dry on the other.
56
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:13,520
That's brilliant, Dad.
57
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,600
I know! Your dad's a genius.
58
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,080
All I need now is to come up with
a name for it.
59
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,120
Er...
60
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:21,520
..Wet Bottom?
61
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,240
No.
62
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:26,440
Happy Cheeks?
63
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:30,880
Bumfresh?
64
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,120
Bumfresh! I love it.
65
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,280
This is going to be the biggest
thing to hit the toilet roll world
66
00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,640
since aloe vera!
67
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,280
Don't worry, son,
68
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:46,000
next year we'll have a proper
Christmas.
69
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:49,240
Next year, things will be different.
70
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,120
'In what can only be described
as an overnight sensation,'
71
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,280
Bumfresh has outperformed all
other competitors.
72
00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:59,320
They're calling it the biggest
British invasion
73
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,480
since One Direction.
74
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:02,440
Bumfresh...
SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
75
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:05,120
Bumfresh...
SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
76
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,680
We've got cooks, gamekeeper,
gardener, maids, groom -
77
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,280
in case we get an horse,
to name but a few.
78
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:26,200
Now, I've not got us any old butler,
I've got us a celebrity
79
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,560
and I know how much you love Harry
Potter, so guess who I've hired?
80
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,720
Harry? No. Dumbledore? No.
Voldemort? Oh, no. Draco?
81
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,680
Can I stop you there? There's
lots of characters in them films,
82
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,560
so I've made Warwick Davis an offer
his bank manager couldn't refuse.
83
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:40,600
Brilliant!
84
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,880
Excuse me, excuse me.
85
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,880
Oh, hello.
86
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,960
You were Filius Flitwick
and Griphook.
87
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,040
I was also an ewok in Star Wars.
88
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,520
Let's just keep it to
Harry Potter, shall we?
89
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,240
I've got you every video game
you've ever wanted.
90
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,760
100 pair of trainers,
your own go-kart track,
91
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:07,440
a 24-hour doughnut dispenser,
table football.
92
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:13,560
What's that? That's a water
slide into the swimming pool.
93
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:14,600
Wow!
94
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,120
Hang on, you might want to put
your...
95
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,440
..trunks on first.
96
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:27,480
Woohoo!
97
00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:50,320
Good day at school, Master Spud?
98
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,440
It was awful.
99
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,720
Your father won't be happy.
100
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,440
St Cuthbert's is the most expensive
school in the country.
101
00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,720
I just don't fit in there.
102
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,680
Why not?
103
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,560
They look down on me,
they call me names.
104
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,200
Do they? Like what?
105
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,280
Bottom Billionaire,
106
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,160
Master Plop Paper,
107
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:11,440
Bum Wipe Boy...
108
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:14,320
Well, children can be cruel.
109
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:16,000
That were the teachers.
110
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,800
'I wish I could just go to
a normal school.'
111
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,360
Leave it with me, young Master Spud.
112
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:30,680
Oh, and I believe congratulations
are in order. Happy birthday.
113
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,400
I'm glad someone remembered.
114
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,520
Hi, Dad.
115
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:51,560
Hello, son.
116
00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:56,600
Have you forgotten something?
117
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,680
No. I still remember we're rich.
118
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,920
Dad, it's my birthday today.
119
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:13,600
Yes! Yes, I knew that, that is
why I was going to surprise you.
120
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:21,200
Happy birthday, son.
121
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,320
One million pounds?
122
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,960
Yeah. That way you can buy
yourself whatever you like.
123
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,680
There's nothing left to buy.
124
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:33,440
Ah, but if I know you,
you'll think of something.
125
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,400
Are we doing anything
special tonight?
126
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,200
Why?
127
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,840
For my birthday.
128
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,640
Oh, I'd love to
but I've got an appointment.
129
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,440
Really?
130
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,000
Well, actually it's a date.
131
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,200
A date date? With a lady?
132
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,800
Yes, yes, with a lady.
A very beautiful lady.
133
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,400
Sapphire Diamond and...
134
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,680
Ooh, she'll be here in a minute.
135
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:58,840
What does she do?
136
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,040
Oh, well, she's a model, of course.
137
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,680
I only date models now
138
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,120
and Sapphire's a supermodel.
139
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,400
Hey, do you want to see
one of her adverts?
140
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,720
DOORBELL RINGS
141
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,440
'Bog Blitz kills all known germs
dead
142
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:18,160
'and leaves your toilet smelling
strongly of bleach.
143
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,520
'Bog Blitz.'
144
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:23,200
You didn't even see her face.
145
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:28,720
When I say supermodel,
I mean hand model, SUPER hand model.
146
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,520
You have to admit,
they're absolutely knockout.
147
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,120
A Miss Sapphire Diamond, sir.
148
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,680
Is he real?
149
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:41,720
Yes.
150
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:48,320
Sapphire, my angel,
how lovely to see you again.
151
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,000
All right?
152
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,920
Urgh...right!
153
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,360
I see you got the designer bag
154
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,360
I bought you.
155
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,960
Oh, yeah, yeah. Cheers, you know,
and all that, that stuff.
156
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,600
Ken?
157
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,680
Len.
158
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:07,000
I just seen that they do these
in eight different colours,
159
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,800
one for every day of the week.
160
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,960
My sweet princess,
I shall get you all the others.
161
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,560
Oh, no, no, no! You mustn't.
OK, I won't, then.
162
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,080
No, if you insist - yeah.
163
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,080
What's that?
164
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:25,360
Ah! This is my son.
165
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,680
Joe, he's 12 today.
166
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:31,680
Ooh! People will think
I'm his sister.
167
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,920
Well, how old are you?
168
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,920
I'm 25.
169
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:37,600
Really?
170
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,360
Yeah, it says
so on my Wikipedia page.
171
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,440
Remind me to have a Google.
172
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,760
Yeah, I will.
173
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:47,720
So where you taking us
tonight, babes?
174
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:53,880
Somewhere swish for a spot
of dinner.
175
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,320
Do you like caviar?
176
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:56,360
SHE LAUGHS
177
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:56,360
No.
178
00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,440
Then I thought we'd go for a little
bop down the disco.
179
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,160
SHE LAUGHS
180
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,160
No-one calls 'em discos any more.
181
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:07,800
What they called, then? Nightclubs.
Get with the beat, Grandad.
182
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,280
All right, then, Den.
183
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:15,720
Len. If you like.
184
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:20,360
Mm, help us up.
185
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,800
HE GRUNTS
186
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,360
Madam?
187
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,240
Oops. Er, may
I trouble you to sign this, sir?
188
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,360
Er, what is it?
189
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:33,400
Oh, just some triviality concerning
young Master Spud's schooling.
190
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:36,680
Thank you, sir.
191
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,520
Shall we take the car or
the helicopter?
192
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,360
I'm not sure about that Sapphire.
193
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,240
Oh, give it time.
194
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,440
Now, you might have to give it
quite a lot of time
195
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,280
but there is some good news.
196
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,320
Look!
197
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,400
Your wish has come true,
you are going to the local comp.
198
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,440
You're the best!
199
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,680
I know, but thank you.
200
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:04,320
..43...
201
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:08,880
Can we do this later?
202
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,160
Joe? What happened
to your school uniform?
203
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:17,880
I'm wearing it.
204
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,120
I mean, your Tudor one.
205
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:25,920
Oh, it's "wear what you like" day
today.
206
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:27,960
And you're going as...?
207
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:32,480
A boy from local comp. Harrison
Farquhar thought it'd be jokes.
208
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,400
Er, your parcel.
209
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,480
Oh! At last!
This'll go with me new teeth.
210
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,440
Do you think it makes me
look younger?
211
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,960
It looks like a dead gerbil.
212
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,640
HE SNIGGERS
213
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,040
What do you think?
214
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,560
Er, do you want my honest
opinion, sir?
215
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:00,880
Not really.
216
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,120
Then it's a thing of wonder.
217
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,320
Thanks!
218
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,600
Oh, now, you don't want to be
late for school, Master Spud.
219
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,160
Come here, son!
220
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,280
Almost forgot.
221
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,560
There's your lunch money.
222
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,360
See you later, Dad.
See ya.
223
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,000
Oi, posho!
224
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,080
Lend us a tenner.
225
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,440
You may not wish them to know
that you're a billionaire.
226
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,520
You're right. Turn in here.
227
00:14:58,240 --> 00:14:59,720
Do you have another bag?
228
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,600
Er...
229
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:05,320
just this plastic one, cost me
five pence, but you can have it.
230
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,600
Thanks.
231
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,200
Do you think things will be
better at my new school?
232
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,880
It will go wonderfully.
233
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,920
Yeah, my big chance.
234
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:18,960
I'm going to make new friends, it's
going to be great. Thanks for this.
235
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,120
Morning, Headmaster.
236
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,640
Yes, yes, good morning, now, please,
leave me alone.
237
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,960
Sir?
No, no, don't hurt me.
238
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,640
I wasn't going to.
Well, what is it?
239
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,720
I'm just trying to get to my office,
can I just get to my office, please?
240
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:51,040
I just wondered whether I could come
and see you later about something.
241
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,800
I'd really rather you didn't.
Thank you so much.
242
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,400
Did you see that Rolls?
243
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,320
Yeah. There was a chauffeur
and everything.
244
00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,440
I know.
245
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,480
I wonder what spoilt brat
were in the back.
246
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:02,760
THEY LAUGH
247
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,120
You're new.
248
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,320
That's right, I'm Joe.
249
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:14,200
I've just moved into the area,
into an average-sized house.
250
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:18,920
I'm Gail Grubb, and this is my
twin brother, George Grubb.
251
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,080
In case you're wondering,
we're the school bullies.
252
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,320
As it's your first day,
253
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,800
we'll be putting you in the bin
to start with.
254
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:26,840
What?!
255
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,720
If you have any complaints, you can
write to our mum at this address.
256
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,160
Why do you have to bully me?
257
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,640
We're not really
good at anything else.
258
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:38,520
But we're VERY good at this.
259
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,960
Now, come on, let's get this
over and done with.
260
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,080
Hello?
261
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,760
Hello? Can anybody hear me?
262
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:54,240
KNOCKING
263
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,560
I'm in this bin.
264
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,040
KNOCKING
265
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:01,960
Can anyone...
266
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,600
What on earth are you
doing in there?
267
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,640
I fell.
268
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,000
HUM OF CHATTER
269
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,000
Um!
270
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,440
CHATTER STOPS
271
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,440
Thank you.
272
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,480
This is Joseph Spud,
273
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,440
he's new and this is the last time
he'll ever be late for registration.
274
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,440
It doesn't need discussion.
275
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:33,960
Now, we're going to start the day
with a little La Boheme by Puccini.
276
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,880
Not opera again, miss.
277
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,040
Listening to classical music is
good for the brain, Gavin,
278
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:42,120
which in your case needs
all the help it can get.
279
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,680
LAUGHTER
280
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:47,120
Why you still standing, Spud?
Sit, sit, sit!
281
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,920
Grubbs put you in the bin, did they?
282
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,640
Upside down or the right way up?
283
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,120
Right way up.
284
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,480
They must've liked you.
285
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,440
I'm Bob. Joe.
286
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,040
Silence!
287
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:26,280
Now, Madeline has got another
one of her charity appeals.
288
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,200
What is it this time, Madeline?
289
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:33,000
Save the jellyfish?
Hearing aids for dogs?
290
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,680
Equal rights for hamsters?
291
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,960
I'm raising money to build
a school in Africa, miss.
292
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,160
Oh.
293
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,760
Lots of kids there never get
the chance to go to school.
294
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:44,000
Lucky them.
295
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:44,000
LAUGHTER
296
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,320
It doesn't need discussion.
297
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,360
So, please, give what you can.
298
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,240
I'm not giving anything.
299
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,120
Me dad says they'll just spend
it on scratchcards.
300
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,040
Do you organise all of this?
301
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,440
Yeah, on my own.
302
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,720
How much does it cost to build
a school in Africa, then?
303
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,720
About £100,000.
304
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,280
That's not much.
305
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,280
Shame, I'm skint.
306
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,520
Give it here.
307
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,960
Well, that was another waste of
time, wasn't it, young lady?
308
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,840
Barely enough to buy
a pencil sharpener.
309
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,280
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
310
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:44,480
How do I look?
311
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,760
There are no words.
312
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:49,880
DOORBELL RINGS
313
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,600
Your lunch guest, sir.
314
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,760
Cocktails?
315
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,280
What's that thing on your head?
316
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,360
Do you not like it, my sweet?
317
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,720
Is that for me?
318
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:10,960
Yes.
319
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,240
Oh, then, I love it. Thanks.
320
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:14,760
There you go, then.
321
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,600
No, no, no, I can't accept that.
322
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,120
Well, if you'd rather not.
323
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,480
No, if yous insist.
324
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,080
Real diamonds?
325
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,280
Of course.
326
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:28,720
Oh, thanks, Ben.
327
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:29,800
It's Len.
328
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:34,240
Is it? Oh, these are...beautiful!
329
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:35,880
Oh, come here.
330
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:37,960
Is there a gift receipt?
331
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,200
Yes, it's, er, it's in the bag.
332
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:45,520
Yeah, you know, just in case
they don't fit, like.
333
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,840
They're earrings.
334
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,160
I know, but I've got
very small ears.
335
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,800
So, with this gift receipt,
will they give us
336
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:56,360
the cash or will I have to buy
something else from the same shop?
337
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:57,520
Either.
338
00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:01,680
Great. Right, what's for lunch,
cos I can't stay long?
339
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:05,320
The finest fine de claire
oysters, madam.
340
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,560
Oh, just get us a bag of crisps.
341
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,440
Yeah, me an' all.
342
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,600
I'll ask Chef to prepare
a multipack.
343
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,800
It's best to stick to the basics.
344
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,320
That's Mrs Trafe,
worst cook in the world.
345
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,040
And any parallel worlds.
346
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:30,320
Hello, boys, do you want to
know about me specials today?
347
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,480
Not really.
348
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,480
For starter, I done me
chilled pilchard soup, the pie today
349
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:40,960
is kidney and custard, and for pud,
I done me raw onion mousse.
350
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,920
No, thanks.
351
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,720
Spam smoothie?
352
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,200
Just an apple, please, Mrs Trafe.
353
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:51,760
Same here, Mrs Trafe.
354
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,640
Oh, suit yourself.
355
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,800
She can't ruin those.
356
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,840
There you are,
two nice, fresh, juicy apples.
357
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:19,800
How are your crisps?
358
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:27,400
Oh...a bit dry.
359
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,280
Would you like some champagne to
wash them down with?
360
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:32,360
No.
361
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,920
But I'll take a bottle
home with us, though.
362
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:45,080
So, er...
363
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,480
..how much is
a gaffe like this worth, then?
364
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,040
20 million.
365
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,640
How much is a half of that?
366
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:00,920
10 million.
367
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:03,200
Interesting.
368
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,320
You should've started here tomorrow.
369
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:10,800
Why?
370
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,840
It's cross-country run today.
Three miles of hell.
371
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,440
I hope you're sporty.
372
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,400
No, I hate sport, I'm rubbish at it.
373
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,760
Me too, I come last every year.
374
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,600
It's horrible,
375
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,160
all the other kids wait
at the finish line to laugh at you.
376
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:28,280
Oh, no.
377
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:32,680
How's the modelling going?
378
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,480
Oh, yeah, it's busy, busy, busy.
379
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:39,240
Mm, these bad boys have been
really in demand lately.
380
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:40,480
I'll bet.
381
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:45,160
Yeah, I've been on the go all week,
shooting my commercials.
382
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:51,040
I've held a Cornish pasty, a hearing
aid and some athlete foot powder.
383
00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,240
Were your feet in
the athlete's foot advert?
384
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:59,200
No, they said my feet were
too manky.
385
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:03,960
Glamorous work, though.
386
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,120
Oh, yeah.
387
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,400
I tell you what, though, Gwen.
388
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:11,560
Len.
389
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:15,200
I would consider giving up
my glittering international career
390
00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:17,840
if the right bloke came along...
391
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,240
like.
392
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:44,720
Bob? What if I gave you
a fiver to come last?
393
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,600
No way. A tenner?
394
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:50,800
Nah. 20?
395
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,080
There's nothing you can say...
50 quid.
396
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,360
You ain't got 50 quid.
397
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,240
You can do it, Bob!
398
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:27,000
THEY CHEER
399
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:31,800
Last again, boy.
400
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,520
Sorry, sir.
401
00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:37,720
Don't worry, we can do extra
training,
402
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,280
every morning, before school.
403
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:48,080
Thanks.
404
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:58,120
Look, Joe, I feel bad,
I can't keep your birthday money.
405
00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:01,280
No, really, you earned it.
406
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,360
I can't take it.
What does your dad do?
407
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:07,320
He works in toilet paper.
408
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:11,360
Then he must've saved for ages
to give you that.
409
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:12,960
Here, take it.
410
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:18,000
My mum used to work in a toilet
paper factory but she was laid off.
411
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:20,880
What does she do now?
412
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,160
Cleaner and about six other jobs to
try and make ends meet.
413
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:25,280
Then you keep it.
414
00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:28,280
I can't.
415
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,520
But there is one thing you could
get me, for coming last for ya.
416
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:32,920
Anything.
417
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,120
Some chocolate, I love chocolate.
418
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,360
Me too.
419
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,640
Come on.
420
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:42,320
Maybe not here.
421
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:45,960
SHOP BELL JANGLES
422
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:50,320
A-ha, my very most valued customer.
423
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:55,240
And welcome...other child.
424
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:56,680
Hi.
425
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:57,760
Hi.
426
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:02,680
Hello, Raj, if your name is Raj,
because I don't know you, do I?
427
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:08,360
From my luxury selection,
a Double Double Decker, Minted Aero,
428
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:12,000
or, or, or an Income Boost.
429
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,880
No, thank you.
430
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:15,400
Oh...
431
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,040
I don't want my new
friend to know that I'm rich,
432
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:19,440
it'll ruin everything.
433
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,040
Ah, I get the picture.
434
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,080
Is this OK?
435
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:34,760
Sure, just this please, sir.
436
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:39,160
No problem, boys,
just two ordinary boys,
437
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,480
neither of who is a billionaire.
438
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:44,880
CASH TILL RINGS
439
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:52,480
By the way, I love the brand-new
Bumfresh minty flavour,
440
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:56,520
it's cool and refreshing
on my bottom. I just wipe and go.
441
00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,680
Why is he talking about his bum?
442
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,680
No idea. Just smile and wave.
443
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:06,080
MUSIC: You're My Best Friend by
Queen
444
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:13,920
# Ooh, you make me live
445
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,520
# Whatever this world
can give to me... #
446
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:19,200
BAGS POP
447
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:19,200
Ah!
448
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,320
# It's you, you're all I see
449
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:27,040
# Ooh, you make me live now, honey
450
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,840
# Ooh, you make me live
451
00:28:32,360 --> 00:28:37,080
# Oh, you're the best friend
that I ever had
452
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:41,000
# I've been with you such a long
time
453
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,760
# You're my sunshine
and I want you to know
454
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:47,400
# That my feelings are true
455
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,240
# I really love you
456
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:53,440
# Oh, you're my best friend
457
00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:59,880
# Ooh, you make me live
458
00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:03,520
# Ooh, I've been wandering round
459
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:07,080
# But I still come back to you
460
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:22,840
# Ooh, you make me live
461
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:26,440
# Whenever this world is cruel to me
462
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,200
# I got you to help me forgive... #
463
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:30,480
HE SIGHS
464
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:34,440
It's a shame Sapphire had to go.
465
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:36,840
Well, such is the life
of a supermodel.
466
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,760
Those pork pies won't sell
themselves.
467
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:42,640
So, what do you think of her?
468
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:46,680
Is it an honest answer you're
looking for, sir?
469
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,840
Again, not really, no.
470
00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:53,120
Then, I think Miss Sapphire is
an utter delight.
471
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:59,240
Oh, do you know, I think
I might propose to her.
472
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,680
HE CLEARS THROAT
473
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:05,640
I thought the day would never come.
474
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:25,560
Look, Bob,
there's something I should tell you.
475
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,040
When I said my dad
worked in toilet paper...
476
00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:31,120
Oi! Give us that chocolate.
477
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:33,360
I've only got a tiny piece left.
478
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:39,040
Bob, if you don't give us it,
we're going to give you a bog wash.
479
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:45,000
Actually, let's take the chocolate
and still give 'em the bog wash.
480
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,560
There's no point giving
it to you, then.
481
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:52,120
Run!
482
00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:12,840
Oh, no.
483
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:16,240
You run that way, I'll run this way.
484
00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:21,520
Oh, er, hi, Mum.
485
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:23,640
Oh, hi,
how's it going with your new friend?
486
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:24,800
Yeah, good, thanks.
487
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:26,840
Invite him round for tea
if you like. Er, maybe!
488
00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:32,720
Got ya.
489
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:37,040
Look, couldn't we do a deal?
490
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:41,920
A deal?
491
00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:44,280
OPERA PLAYING
492
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:59,720
Do you really like opera, then,
miss?
493
00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:01,480
I love it, Izzy.
494
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:05,640
My dream is to go and see one
at the Royal Opera House one day.
495
00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:07,160
Why don't you, then?
496
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:10,320
On a teacher's measly salary?
I hardly think so.
497
00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:13,240
Homework, please, Maddie?
498
00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:23,320
Sorry, miss, I left mine at home.
499
00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:26,000
I did it, I swear.
500
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,320
Litter duty.
But, miss, I'm not lying,
501
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,400
I could get someone to bring it in.
502
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:36,200
You've got one hour to get it to me.
Now, medieval torture.
503
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:39,680
You'd know all about that.
504
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:42,360
Be relieved I didn't hear that, Joe.
505
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:46,880
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
506
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:03,480
Oh, no.
507
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:08,520
Wait.
508
00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:11,320
What's going on?
509
00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:14,840
Er...
510
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,360
WHIRRING
511
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:28,800
Oh, no!
512
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:52,960
That's crazy!
513
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:55,680
Yeah.
514
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,880
Hi, everybody, are you all right?
515
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:11,440
My name is Len Spud
and I am the Bumfresh billionaire.
516
00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:17,560
Right! Who wants free bog roll?
New minty flavour!
517
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:19,960
THEY CHEER
518
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:22,280
Go on, you there?
519
00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:23,840
Who's going to get lucky?
520
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:25,080
Is it you? Here you go.
521
00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:28,080
Please, Dad, no.
522
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,320
That's your dad?
523
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:37,080
Excuse me, excuse me.
Ah, there you are.
524
00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:40,520
There is your homework.
525
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:48,560
Now, my son is a bit
short on friends,
526
00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:53,320
so you're all more than welcome to
come over to the mansion any time!
527
00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:56,560
Dad! Oh.
528
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:01,120
Your lunch money.
I'll pick you up at four.
529
00:35:01,120 --> 00:35:02,440
I'll walk.
530
00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:10,440
Bye, everybody! And don't forget,
wipe and go with Bumfresh.
531
00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:11,720
See ya!
532
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:33,560
You're five seconds late.
Litter duty.
533
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:35,920
You must be kidding me.
534
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:37,520
A week's litter duty.
535
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:38,720
That's not fair.
536
00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:40,880
One month's litter duty.
537
00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:45,080
Or do you want me
to treat you differently
538
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:47,280
because your father's a billionaire?
539
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:49,280
No, I don't want that.
540
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,600
Well, then, you'd better get
started -
541
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:54,520
that helicopter of his has made
a frightful mess.
542
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:05,680
EXCITED CHATTER
543
00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:12,800
Billionaire Boy, my bike's broke,
will you buy me a new one?
544
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,400
Could you buy my nan a bungalow,
in Florida?
545
00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:17,480
Hit me,
then I can sue you for a million.
546
00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:19,560
Hit me
and I'll settle for half a million.
547
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:21,000
Buy me a packet of crisps.
548
00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:24,160
Leave him alone!
549
00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:27,600
You should be ashamed of yourselves,
shoo, shoo!
550
00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:30,840
Oh, you poor thing.
551
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:34,360
Well, not poor, but you get my gist.
552
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,600
Yeah, get out of it.
553
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:42,000
I mean, just because your dad is
obscenely rich, you don't want
554
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:43,200
people begging.
555
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:47,160
Here, have a toffee Brussels sprout.
556
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:50,080
Thanks, but no, thanks.
557
00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:57,440
Now, Joe, I want you to know,
whatever happens,
558
00:36:57,440 --> 00:36:59,920
I'm always here for you, all right?
559
00:36:59,920 --> 00:37:01,800
Thanks.
560
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,920
Now, I just need 30 grand
for my hip operation.
561
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:07,440
HE SIGHS
562
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,240
You missed a bit.
563
00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:16,560
Why did you lie to me?
564
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:19,120
I dunno, I thought
you'd treat me differently.
565
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:24,240
The Grubbs just asked me if I wanted
to go round to theirs after
566
00:37:24,240 --> 00:37:29,120
school to play Hungry Hippos. Did
you pay them to be friends with me?
567
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:30,840
I was just trying to help.
568
00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:33,160
A real friend wouldn't lie to me.
569
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:34,560
I'm sorry.
570
00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:38,280
You missed another bit.
571
00:37:42,720 --> 00:37:44,320
Litter duty?!
572
00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,600
I did not singlehandedly
revolutionise the toilet paper world
573
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,360
to have my son do litter duty.
574
00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:54,560
It's me teacher, Miss Sharpe,
she's really horrible.
575
00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:58,040
Could you have her killed?
576
00:37:58,040 --> 00:37:59,680
Bit much, that.
577
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:02,120
Oh.
I'll sort it out.
578
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:03,520
Please don't embarrass me
579
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:06,080
like you did today
with your stupid helicopter.
580
00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:08,520
Don't worry,
I'll think of something.
581
00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:14,480
So, anyways, it's my birthday
in just under a year, Sven.
582
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:16,760
Len. Whatevs!
583
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:20,240
As the young people say...
because I'm 25.
584
00:38:20,240 --> 00:38:23,600
And before you say another word,
I do not need a present.
585
00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,200
No? I forbid it.
586
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:26,680
I must. You must not.
587
00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:29,560
I want to. No, non, nein.
588
00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:32,040
OK, then.
I've made a little list.
589
00:38:35,720 --> 00:38:37,040
Thank you.
590
00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:43,160
"Designer gear.
591
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:49,320
"A massive, like, really big yacht.
592
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:54,560
"A holiday home in Marbs with its
own..." Jack, jacksie?
593
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:58,840
No, Jacuzzi, oh, just,
just give it here, give it here.
594
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:04,960
Right, a bucket of diamonds,
some money, a Bentley Controversial.
595
00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:06,840
I think you mean
a Bentley convertible.
596
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:10,800
It's the same thing.
A tiara, some more money
597
00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,680
and a 12-pack of Faberge eggs.
598
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:15,280
Anything for you,
my little bird of paradise.
599
00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:20,920
Dad, you're not really going to buy
her all that stuff, are you?
600
00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:22,640
Why ever not, son?
601
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:24,320
Yeah, why not, brat?
602
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,880
Because it's obvious you
only like my dad for his money.
603
00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:28,040
Oh!
604
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:32,680
How dare you?!
605
00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:39,920
Go to your rooms.
606
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,080
SAPPHIRE SOBS AND STUTTERS
607
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:52,160
I'm so sorry, Sapphire, I just don't
know what to do with him.
608
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:56,240
Orphanage?
609
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:11,880
It's about my boy, Joe.
610
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:20,880
Now, there is one tiny little thing
that you could change to
611
00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:23,000
make him happier here at school.
612
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:27,920
Well, I have to run the school
for everyone, I can't give anyone
613
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:31,640
special treatment, however immensely
wealthy they might be.
614
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,560
# I'm in love with my car... #
615
00:40:53,640 --> 00:40:55,280
GEARS CRUNCH
616
00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:58,320
TYRES SQUEAL
617
00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:02,880
GEARS CRUNCH
618
00:41:30,040 --> 00:41:34,240
How dare you sack me? I gave this
school everything, everything!
619
00:41:34,240 --> 00:41:36,160
Just keep it down, Miss Sharpe.
620
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:39,280
Ding dong, the witch is dead!
621
00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:40,320
THEY CHEER
622
00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:45,880
Miss Sharpe was a good teacher,
she didn't deserve that.
623
00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:47,440
We've got to do something.
624
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:52,560
Sacked, on the spot.
625
00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:55,040
Oh, she was a good teacher.
626
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:57,840
Firm but fair.
627
00:41:57,840 --> 00:42:00,480
And she loved her pupils more
than they knew.
628
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:04,440
Though, she was once very hurtful
about my lamb trifle.
629
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:08,480
Mrs Trafe...?
630
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:11,240
Yes?
631
00:42:11,240 --> 00:42:14,000
You look...different.
632
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:18,160
Oh, thank you,
I've just had my hair done.
633
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:20,320
Did you get the hip replacement?
634
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:22,600
The one I gave you all
that money for?
635
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:24,840
Can I interest you in
today's special?
636
00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:26,920
Curried pigeon,
pigeons are all free-range,
637
00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:29,200
I shoot them off the roof myself
with my catapult.
638
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,480
You spent it all on plastic surgery.
639
00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:36,000
I'll have the hip op next time,
I promise.
640
00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:39,200
Now, I just need another 30 grand.
641
00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:41,320
Unbelievable.
642
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:46,520
What's this?
643
00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:49,680
A petition,
to get Miss Sharpe reinstated, sir.
644
00:42:53,240 --> 00:42:54,760
Two signatures?
645
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,480
It's just me and Maddie so far.
646
00:42:57,480 --> 00:43:01,760
Please, sir,
teaching's all she lived for.
647
00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:02,880
Um...
648
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:10,600
..I'm sorry, Joe, no, no,
I just can't do that, nope.
649
00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:16,200
CAR LOCK BLEEPS
650
00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:19,000
Is that yours, sir?
651
00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:26,720
Er... It might be, yes.
652
00:43:26,720 --> 00:43:27,800
Why?
653
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:31,320
What's so unusual about me having
a car that goes from 0 to 60
654
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:35,760
in 2.9 seconds with
a top speed of 204mph?
655
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:37,720
It was my dad, wasn't it?
656
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:41,320
BELL RINGS
657
00:43:46,320 --> 00:43:47,680
Joe?
658
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:48,720
Yeah.
659
00:43:50,320 --> 00:43:52,800
Not bought yourself
a new friend yet, then?
660
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:54,120
Ha-ha!
661
00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:04,720
I'm sorry we fell out.
662
00:44:04,720 --> 00:44:05,960
Yeah. Me too.
663
00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:11,960
Look, I know you don't have much...
664
00:44:11,960 --> 00:44:13,120
So?
665
00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:14,840
So I guess I feel sorry for you.
666
00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:16,720
Why don't you just take this?
667
00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:22,320
I don't want your lousy money!
668
00:44:22,320 --> 00:44:26,840
You can't buy people, Joe,
has no-one taught you that?
669
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:29,720
You know what?
670
00:44:29,720 --> 00:44:30,760
What?
671
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:32,800
I feel sorry for YOU.
672
00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:48,880
MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING
673
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:55,400
MUSIC: I'm Your Man by Wham
674
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:58,200
# If you're gonna do it, do it
right - right? Do it with me
675
00:44:58,200 --> 00:45:01,160
# If you're gonna do it do
it right - right? Do it with me
676
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:04,760
# If you're gonna do it, do it
right - right? Do it with me
677
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:08,120
# If you're gonna do it, do it
right - right? Do it with me... #
678
00:45:17,680 --> 00:45:19,120
Dad?
679
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:20,280
Yeah!
680
00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:22,440
I need to talk to you
about something.
681
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:23,480
OK!
682
00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:26,560
Hang on, who are all these people?
683
00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:28,240
Partychums.com.
684
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:31,760
Why are you having a party?
685
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:33,760
Because I've got some great news!
686
00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:34,920
What?
687
00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:36,880
Me and Sapphire got engaged!
688
00:45:36,880 --> 00:45:38,400
No!
689
00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:40,600
Yes! Isn't it wonderful?
690
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:45,200
I'm going to be your new mam!
691
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:48,520
Look! It cost 15 million!
692
00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:50,840
Dad?
693
00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:52,120
Yeah?
694
00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:53,600
Did you get my teacher sacked?
695
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:54,880
No!
696
00:45:56,880 --> 00:46:00,680
Well, maybe...a bit.
697
00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:03,600
I just bought your headmaster
a little sports car.
698
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:05,600
You can't buy people, Dad!
699
00:46:05,600 --> 00:46:07,760
Has nobody taught you that?
700
00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:10,360
It only cost 400 grand.
701
00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:13,440
I'll get you one, if you like?
702
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,520
I don't want any more stuff!
I've got more than enough.
703
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:18,720
You can never have enough, son.
704
00:46:18,720 --> 00:46:20,560
Yes, you can!
705
00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:25,200
I don't want to end up like you,
an old man in a wig,
706
00:46:25,200 --> 00:46:27,600
with a fiancee who doesn't even
love him.
707
00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:34,160
I love the ring!
708
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:39,680
I never want to see
either of you ever again.
709
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:53,000
KNOCK ON DOOR
710
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:56,600
Joe, open this door. Joe!
711
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:01,520
Joe!
712
00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:06,000
HE COUGHS
713
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:09,480
Oh, no, burnt again.
714
00:47:09,480 --> 00:47:12,000
He's locked himself in his room.
715
00:47:13,480 --> 00:47:14,520
Oh, dear.
716
00:47:17,080 --> 00:47:19,080
Can I ask you a question?
717
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:21,000
Yes, of course, sir.
718
00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:22,800
Have I been a bad father?
719
00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:25,840
Do you want an honest answer?
720
00:47:27,080 --> 00:47:29,040
Yes. Definitely.
721
00:47:29,040 --> 00:47:31,240
This time, tell me the truth.
722
00:47:34,840 --> 00:47:36,960
Yes, you have.
723
00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:02,880
DOORBELL RINGS
724
00:48:15,040 --> 00:48:18,520
I wanted to say sorry,
I've been an idiot.
725
00:48:19,680 --> 00:48:21,440
Yes, you have.
726
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:23,680
A big, stinking idiot.
727
00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:27,200
Probably bigger than that.
728
00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:37,480
I ought to go
and say sorry to Maddie now.
729
00:48:37,480 --> 00:48:39,480
No need, she's here.
730
00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:45,760
We felt really sorry for Miss Sharpe
so we've made her a Christmas
731
00:48:45,760 --> 00:48:49,680
hamper, mince pies
and a leaflet about deforestation.
732
00:48:49,680 --> 00:48:53,120
It's all my fault,
my dad got her the sack.
733
00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:56,240
But I've got a plan...
734
00:48:56,240 --> 00:48:57,800
to make it better.
735
00:48:57,800 --> 00:49:00,280
The thing is, I need your help.
736
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:03,680
DOORBELL RINGS
737
00:49:05,840 --> 00:49:09,440
Oh, it's you.
It's the middle of the night.
738
00:49:10,520 --> 00:49:15,520
Miss, I'm sorry you lost your job,
it's all my fault.
739
00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:16,560
I got you these.
740
00:49:17,920 --> 00:49:19,640
Thank you, I suppose.
741
00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:22,600
Oh...
742
00:49:23,880 --> 00:49:25,280
There's one more thing.
743
00:49:25,280 --> 00:49:26,400
What?
744
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:27,440
Now!
745
00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:30,160
HORN HONKS
746
00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:02,960
You never got to go to the opera
so we brought one to you.
747
00:50:05,480 --> 00:50:07,640
MUSIC: Ombra Mai Fu from Serse
by Handel
748
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:13,600
You put on all this just for me?
749
00:50:13,600 --> 00:50:15,840
Yeah. What do you think?
750
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:21,080
It's the most generous thing
anyone's ever done for me.
751
00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:30,280
# Ombra mai fu
752
00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:45,320
# Di vegetabile
753
00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:50,760
# Cara ed amabile
754
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:53,240
# Soave... #
755
00:50:53,240 --> 00:50:55,800
Don't cry, miss.
756
00:50:55,800 --> 00:50:57,440
It doesn't need discussion.
757
00:50:57,440 --> 00:51:04,160
# Ombra mai fu
758
00:51:04,160 --> 00:51:10,840
# Di vegetabile
759
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:17,280
# Cara ed amabile
760
00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:21,760
# Soave piu
761
00:51:21,760 --> 00:51:28,560
# Care ed amabile
762
00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:35,600
# Ombra mai fu
763
00:51:35,600 --> 00:51:42,640
# Di vegetabile
764
00:51:42,640 --> 00:51:49,200
# Cara ed amabile
765
00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:57,200
# Soave piu. #
766
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:06,440
That must've cost a fortune.
767
00:52:06,440 --> 00:52:08,880
It pretty much cleared out my
account
768
00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:10,760
but I had a bit of money left.
769
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:14,000
I want you to have it.
Build that school in Africa.
770
00:52:15,120 --> 00:52:18,560
Thank you! You've done a good thing.
771
00:52:22,280 --> 00:52:23,680
See you tomorrow, Joe.
772
00:52:23,680 --> 00:52:26,000
I'm broke,
so you're buying the chocolate.
773
00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:27,040
Deal.
774
00:52:32,480 --> 00:52:37,080
Joe, what are you doing
out in the cold?
775
00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:38,880
Come, come in.
776
00:52:41,920 --> 00:52:44,240
Come.
777
00:52:44,240 --> 00:52:45,680
Ah.
778
00:52:45,680 --> 00:52:49,520
Let me make you
a nice hot mug of Lilt.
779
00:52:49,520 --> 00:52:50,840
I'm fine.
780
00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:55,360
Oh, I feel so very sorry for you
and your father.
781
00:52:57,000 --> 00:52:59,080
Why?
782
00:52:59,080 --> 00:53:02,560
Have you not seen the headlines?
Look.
783
00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:14,160
And on the TV as well,
everywhere I look this morning,
784
00:53:14,160 --> 00:53:17,040
wall-to-wall purple bottoms.
785
00:53:17,040 --> 00:53:19,320
TV: 'The Bumfresh toilet tissue
scandal continues to
786
00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:22,720
'escalate amid allegations that
the new minty fresh brand is
787
00:53:22,720 --> 00:53:24,640
'causing painful purple rashes.
788
00:53:24,640 --> 00:53:29,400
'Stock prices have plummeted
overnight, leaving CEO, Len Spud,
789
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:30,920
'facing financial ruin.
790
00:53:30,920 --> 00:53:35,000
'I've lost everything,
er, every penny I've got,
791
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:37,440
'but all I want back
is my beautiful boy.
792
00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:42,280
'He ran away from home last night,
I've been worried sick, so,
793
00:53:42,280 --> 00:53:48,800
'so, Joe, if you're out there,
please come home...
794
00:53:48,800 --> 00:53:50,840
'I love you, son.'
795
00:53:50,840 --> 00:53:53,080
JOURNALISTS CLAMOUR
796
00:53:56,160 --> 00:53:57,360
TV OFF
797
00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:06,600
He doesn't really care about me.
All he cares about is money.
798
00:54:09,160 --> 00:54:13,920
You know, I was once a very rich man
with huge chain of newsagent shops.
799
00:54:13,920 --> 00:54:15,280
How many did you have?
800
00:54:15,280 --> 00:54:16,360
Two.
801
00:54:17,320 --> 00:54:20,560
I had literally tens of pounds
in my pocket
802
00:54:20,560 --> 00:54:24,400
but I was working so hard I forgot
to spend time with my wife.
803
00:54:25,480 --> 00:54:29,960
I bought her lavish presents -
flowers from the garage,
804
00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:33,120
jewellery, also from the garage,
805
00:54:33,120 --> 00:54:37,320
but all she really wanted was me.
806
00:54:39,400 --> 00:54:44,080
That's all I want,
to spend time with my dad.
807
00:54:44,080 --> 00:54:50,080
Joe, you've just seen it,
your father loves you very much.
808
00:54:52,840 --> 00:54:56,360
Let me take you home. Mm?
809
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:22,120
There he is!
810
00:55:22,120 --> 00:55:23,520
JOURNALISTS CLAMOUR
811
00:55:27,320 --> 00:55:29,120
Go in, Joe, I'll deal with this.
812
00:55:31,760 --> 00:55:34,160
If I may make a short statement.
813
00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:36,800
Are we live?
814
00:55:36,800 --> 00:55:38,200
ALL: Yes!
815
00:55:41,040 --> 00:55:46,360
'Everyone come to Raj's shop, I have
very special offer on Frazzles.'
816
00:55:46,360 --> 00:55:47,760
RAJ LAUGHS
817
00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:53,280
Where's Dad?
818
00:55:53,280 --> 00:55:55,520
Who cares? He's bankrupt!
819
00:56:02,440 --> 00:56:04,040
There's Sapphire Diamond!
820
00:56:09,240 --> 00:56:11,800
HUBBUB OF QUESTIONS
AND CAMERAS CLICKING
821
00:56:36,760 --> 00:56:38,760
Dad?
822
00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:42,760
Joe! Joe! I was so worried.
823
00:56:44,800 --> 00:56:45,960
Sorry I ran away.
824
00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:47,360
No, I'm sorry.
825
00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:50,040
I wasn't a good dad.
826
00:56:52,680 --> 00:56:57,600
I've lost everything, son,
and Sapphire's left me.
827
00:56:57,600 --> 00:57:00,320
I think maybe she wasn't "the one".
828
00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:04,400
But I've got you and you're still
the most precious thing I have.
829
00:57:07,960 --> 00:57:10,240
I would make you one last cup of tea
830
00:57:10,240 --> 00:57:13,960
but the bailiffs have taken
the cups, er, and the tea.
831
00:57:15,600 --> 00:57:16,680
Master Spud.
832
00:57:18,280 --> 00:57:21,720
Um...
I hope you've got a job to go to?
833
00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:23,240
Yes, sir, a panto.
834
00:57:23,240 --> 00:57:24,520
Snow White?
835
00:57:24,520 --> 00:57:28,680
No, Jack And The Beanstalk,
I'm playing the giant.
836
00:57:47,240 --> 00:57:49,800
Now, is there anything you want to
go and get from your bedroom
837
00:57:49,800 --> 00:57:52,080
before they take it all away? No.
838
00:57:53,520 --> 00:57:56,000
Well, actually, there is one thing.
839
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:57,520
SMASHING OUTSIDE
840
00:58:02,120 --> 00:58:03,760
JOE CLEARS HIS THROAT
841
00:58:07,360 --> 00:58:11,360
You made it and that's what made it
more special than anything.
842
00:58:12,760 --> 00:58:14,000
Come here, son.
843
00:58:17,800 --> 00:58:19,040
Hello?
844
00:58:21,120 --> 00:58:22,440
Knock-knock.
845
00:58:22,440 --> 00:58:25,840
Julie? Julie!
846
00:58:25,840 --> 00:58:26,880
Hello, Len.
847
00:58:28,320 --> 00:58:30,600
It's not been the best of days.
848
00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:32,800
Oh, it's OK, we understand.
849
00:58:34,120 --> 00:58:35,760
You two know each other already?
850
00:58:35,760 --> 00:58:38,680
Yeah, we used to
work at the factory together.
851
00:58:38,680 --> 00:58:40,080
We had some happy times.
852
00:58:45,160 --> 00:58:47,040
We saw you on the news.
853
00:58:48,200 --> 00:58:51,400
Look, we thought you might want to
come to ours for Christmas dinner.
854
00:58:53,040 --> 00:58:55,640
I mean, it won't be fancy schmancy.
855
00:58:59,320 --> 00:59:01,240
We'd like that. Oh.
856
00:59:02,760 --> 00:59:04,200
We'd like that very much.
857
00:59:08,440 --> 00:59:10,640
INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION
858
00:59:14,240 --> 00:59:17,280
'So, we lost a fortune.
But found a new family.
859
00:59:19,240 --> 00:59:22,440
'And who knows? Maybe we'll live
happily ever after.'
89785
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