All language subtitles for The Office - 8x22 - Fundraiser.HDTV.en

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no...

- No!
- Okay, fine.

Ryan.

Is something the matter?

Smokey's dead.

Smokey... the bear?

Smokey Robinson, Pam.

He died, like, an hour ago.
I guess I'm the first to know.

Wow, that's terrible.
I really liked him.

Oh, you liked him?
That's nice.

Did you "like" when he changed
the course of American music

like, two or three times?

Did you "like"
that Tracks Of My Tears

is maybe the last true love song
ever written?

I'm glad you like him, Jim.

I am completely devastated
right now.

Well, I second that emotion.

- Huh?
- I know a few of his songs,

but what were his big ones?

Oh, God, Nellie,
what wasn't his?

I mean, um,
Tracks Of My Tears...

- Yeah.
- Um, God, so many.

No, no, no.

Tracks Of My Tears
and what else?

What are some more?
What's one more?

Okay, I'm not--
I'm not playing this game, Pam.

Not today.

I don't think
you love Smokey Robinson,

I think you're
just doing all of this

to prove how deep you are
about music.

Okay, I'm sorry
that I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz

or The Beatles.

You don't like The Beatles?

That's--
That's not the point.

Eleanor Rigby?
Paperback Writer?

Well, you know,
you always think you have time

to see these legends
before they go.

What was I so busy doing?

It says here
the "Smokey Robinson dead" thing

is a hoax.

It's on CNN
as of two minutes ago.

Okay, well, that's a relief.

Wow, look at that.

Says he's actually
playing State College.

It's only three hours away.

Oh, my God, Ryan,
that's perfect!

You have to go.

Tickets are 250 bucks.

$250 is nothing

to the world's biggest
Smokey Robinson fan.

Yeah.

Who's opening?

- Paul Anka.
- Paul Anka?

How can they make the smoke man
play with someone like that?

I don't think I can see this.

Okay, you could just
show up late, though.

How much is parking?
Like 30 bucks?

That's not what Smokey
would've wanted-- Does want.

Tears of a clown.

Don't call me a clown, Pam.

You're better than that.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
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Looking good, RC.

Ugh, I hate ties.

I feel like
I'm being strangled,

like I'm at some
erotic asphyxiation sex club,

over on I-84-- The red room, say?
Or Dominic's?

Robert, the Senator was gonna
wear dark brown tonight.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

My husband is sponsoring
a fundraiser tonight

for local dog shelters.

Robert California bought
two tables for everyone here.

These people were lucky
to get seats,

because it is gonna be
a who's who

of the northern 22nd district.

I don't want to alarm people,
but there is a distinct chance

that we're all
about to be killed.

Well, as long as
you don't want to alarm people.

- What's going on?
- There is a disgruntled

ex-employee sitting in his car
in the parking lot.

Oh, that's Andy.
He's just hanging out.

Yeah, that's how workplace
tragedies always begin.

A middle-aged white male
"hanging out."

Call the cops.

Dwight, I don't think
he's gonna hurt anybody.

How do you know?

I mean,
why do you think he's there?

I don't even know
what kind of weapon he has.

Could be a knife,
could be a gun,

could be a series of guns
all lined up to shoot parallel.

I'm going up to the roof,

and I'm gonna...
Bring my gym bag, just in case.

I knew this would happen.

Everybody told me if I moved
to America, I'd be murdered.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Just wanted to say hi,

and hear you say,
"everything's normal."

Maybe videotape
you saying that,

so that everyone upstairs
can see.

We think you might kill Robert.

What?

Because he fired you,

which means apparently
you're living in your car now.

Guys, everything is fine.

I'm just here to pick up Erin.
We're going to the fundraiser.

- Oh, great.
- Oh, great, that sounds good.

Wait, what?

You're going
to the fundraiser tonight?

That's gonna be weird.

Why would that be weird?

It's gonna be super-weird.
He just fired you last week.

Andy's just coming as my date.

Hey, I hear you.
I hope you're right.

It just seems like
it's gonna be really...

- Really weird.
- Okay.

Come in.

You really redid
Andy's office, huh?

Yes, cut out the clutter.
Very simple, very minimal.

Need you to sign these.
We got a shipment going out.

How are things
in the warehouse?

You could go downstairs
and ask 'em.

The warehouse isn't downstairs.

Is it?

Is it.

Who knew, right?

Ah.

Tonight could be the night
that Darryl and I

go from casual work friends
to actual good friends.

The only thing
standing in our way

is the contempt
he seems to feel for me.

Robert, the Senator and I
wanted to stop by.

- Hey, Robert.
- Robert, how are you?

- Say hello.
- Hello.

Did anyone
order a blast from the past

with a side order of sexy?

- Hi, Andy.
- Oh, man, this is weird.

- Andrew.
- Oh, uh,

want to shake my hand, huh?

'Cause I want to shake
your body!

I had you.
I had you!

Wh-- Wha--
Where do I look?

It's been so long
since I did one of these things.

Okay, all right, how--
Uh, what's the question?

How am I doing?

Um, great.

Creed, I just bid $20
on six jiujitsu lessons.

No one's raping this guy.

Oh, I don't want to get raped.

22.

No, it was my idea
to not be raped.

- Well, well...
- What, you think

jiujitsu classes cost $22?

If you're gonna play
"guess the price,"

you might as well try
to be halfway accurate.

$180.

Oh. Dwight, I don't think
you understand--

You guess the price,
you win the prize.

Have you never
been to a quaker fair before?

Gah.

So Dwight doesn't understand
silent auctions.

I guess he's the stupid guy
in the office, huh?

'Cause up till now,
we didn't have one.

What haven't I been doing?

Gosh, just today,
I was working on this rock opera

that I'm writing,
although it feels more

like I'm receiving it
than writing it.

Wow.
Yeah, that's exciting.

But until you firm up the idea,

you might want to keep it
between us.

The hero lives
in this dystopian future,

and he flies around
in a spaceship

that's shaped
like a-- a treble clef,

and he has to sing his heart out
to destroy all evil.

Sounds like
you're doing all right.

Uh, a little better
than all right, actually.

Really good.

Oh, this guy's
having a breakdown.

You know, Oscar,
I really had no idea

that you were so passionate
about animals.

My dog Gerald is my life.

Really? Well, if you want
to get involved, call me.

This is my cell.

I'm more likely to pick up
at night,

say, um, after 9:00.

Excuse me.

This confirms three things,

I'm right about the Senator,

I still got it,

and poor Angela.

Step in right away,
and start--

Bobby? Bob-o?

You're a rock opera guy, right?
You like rock operas.

- Well--
- You got to check out

this thing I'm working on.
It's really cool.

There's this character,
Thomas Oregon,

and he wants to destroy
all the guitars in the world,

because he realizes
that music is the one thing

he can't control.

Huh, so Thomas Oregon
is an evil figure?

Evil.

Although
he's humanized at the end,

because he weeps uncontrollably
and pees in his pants.

And the hero,
who is that based on?

Me, I guess.

♪ We're flying so high
we're cracking the sky ♪

♪ gonna fly out of this storm,
my girlfriend and I ♪

Hey, jabroni, show come class.

She's right, Andy,
you're being a jabroni.

You're being a Thomas Oregon.

Uh, Andrew...

I think this may have been
a bad idea.

Why don't you let me pay
for you and Erin to go out

to a great,
romantic dinner tonight?

Don't need you to pay for me.
I'm doing just fine, thank you.

Why don't you
quit harshing our mellow?

Andy, you should leave.

Now.

Excuse me,

I would like to purchase
two seats

at another table, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, the tables
are sold as complete units.

Then I'll take a table.

Okay.

And a high five.

Let's do that again.

Yes, indeed.

When.

Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Forgot a few salads.

When.

I stumbled into
a very dramatic situation.

Angela's husband
just hit on me.

- Oh, my God.
- I know!

Wait, what?
Come on.

We were talking about animals.

He gives me
his cell phone number.

He was just dying
for me to have it.

Okay, Oscar, I'm not saying
you're not dreamy,

because you are,
but isn't it possible

that he was just
schmoozing a voter?

Well, if you would have seen
the look he gave me,

he wanted to rock
more than just my vote.

Okay.
What was this look?

Whoa.

- What happened? Did he do it?
- Are you--?

- I--
- Twice.

For real?

Okay, guys, not every glance
means something, all right?

- Life isn't Downton Abbey.
- Life is Downton Abbey.

Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go over there,
I'm gonna talk to him,

and I guarantee you,
he gives out his cell phone

to everybody.

How much do you guys charge for
a one full-year gym membership?

Thank you.

It's $475.

Like candy from a baby.

Hey.

- David Wallace?
- Andy Bernard?

- Hey, how are you?
- How you doin'?

I'm great.
How you doin'?

Are you still
with Dunder Mifflin?

No, got canned last week.

Oh. Well,
I'm sorry to hear that.

No, best thing
that ever happened to me.

That's the attitude to have.

You know what?
When I got canned,

I was lost, right?
I poured myself

into this ridiculous vacuum
for toys called Suck It.

- Yikes.
- Yeah, exactly, right?

Then suddenly, out of nowhere,
the US military

bought the patent from me
for $20 million.

Point is, forget those guys.

Okay?
Move on.

Good to see you, Andy.

Call me a layman, but I wish
there was some real food here.

You know, like, um, hamburgers,

or...
Um, Oreos,

or a pizza pie, or, um...

What's another food
that we like?

Tacos.

What I wouldn't give
for a big...

- Mess of tacos right now.
- Tacos.

I can go get us some tacos.

Brilliant.

If you loan me some money.

Yes, I can do that.

For, um, for two tacos,
we probably need about,

what twen-- $20, or...
$25? 20--

- 30.
- $30, yes.

- 30.
- Yeah, um...

I've never eaten a taco.

I'm not entirely sure
what they are.

As long as they're not slimey,

and please, God,
don't let them have eyes.

Thank you very much.

- So?
- Boom.

This is interesting.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- What is interesting?

I just proved that he gives
his cell out to everybody.

Or,

you proved
that he thinks your gay.

He doesn't think Jim is gay.

A gay man would not leave
the house wearing those shoes.

Well, a gay man wouldn't leave
the store wearing those shoes.

Oh.

Hey, you bought me these shoes.

Before we bring out
our guest of honor tonight,

we are very proud to introduce
a great philanthropist

and a great guy--
Robert California.

Thank you.

Why do we love dogs?

Want me to tell you why?

There is no answer.

Our love for them
confounds reason.

Can you believe this guy?

State Senator
Robert Lipton loves dogs.

He asked me if I love dogs.

You know what I said?

Yes.

Not a joke. That w--
That was not even a joke.

Bella here was a therapy dog
for ten years.

When her owner passed away,
she came to this organization

for replacement but people don't
often adopt adult dogs.

So Bella and 11 heroes like her
are being cared for

by our generous volunteers,

because frankly,
nobody else will.

I will.

I will take all of those dogs.

- Andy, that's very kind, but--
- No, no, no, no, no.

This guy can talk and talk
all he wants,

- but it's not that complicated.
- Andy,

- why don't we discuss this--
- No, no, no, no.

It's about being there
for someone

after it's become inconvenient
for them to be around.

Hello, everyone,
I'm Andy Bernard,

and I am going to
take that bitch home.

That is a female dog reference.

"This bitch
understands loyalty."

Sassy human reference.

Thank you.
I will take Bella.

- Take--
- Aw.

And every single one
of her friends.

Oh, God.

Mr. Bernard?
Please, this way, okay?

Hope you all learned something.

Kenny's gonna need this medication
once every 90 minutes.

You can administer it orally,
but he's gonna puke it up,

so other end's best.

Don't split up Daisy and Mojo,
because Daisy'll start to, uh,

I was gonna say "bark,"
but it's more of a scream.

I'm so ready to love
all of these animals.

This one's even
bonding with me already.

I know, Kenny's a therapy dog.

He apparently thinks your in
some kind of emotional crisis.

Stupid dog.

Well, if you would like
to talk about this some more,

my door is always open,
so here is my office number

- and my cell number.
- Thank you.

Okay.

Well, looks like he really did

just want to talk
about the issues.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

Oh, sorry about what?

There's nothing
to be sorry about here.

No, I'm certainly
not disappointed

that Angela's husband
wasn't hitting on me.

I'd have to be a monster
to root for that.

A lonely, aging monster.

Tacos were on sale.

Eight for $3.

Oh, great.

Okay. Oh.

- Oh. Oh-- Oh, these tacos. Right.
- Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Uh, okay.

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, huh. Mmm.

She's trying.

The winner of
the three-day trip

to the top of the Skytop Lodge
is Dwight Shrute.

Yes!

Thank you.

The year-long membership
to Scranton Bikram Yoga is...

Dwight Shrute.

Oh, yes!

Yeah!

A one-hour appointment
with The Kissing Magician

goes to Dwight Shrute.

Oh, ho, ho, ho,
ho, ho, oh, yeah!

Well,

I think I can
save us all some time.

Uh, Dwight Shrute has won
every single item here.

Thank you very much!

All I had to do
was look up the prices, idiots!

- Suck it!
- Well, Dwight, yes,

you certainly are
a record-breaker.

Your donation

is the largest
we've ever received,

at over $34,000.

Speech!

Speech.

No, speech.

Speech.

Thank you.

Wow, I can't tell you...

What an honor it is

to support this... thing.

And obviously,
that amount of money

is no concern to me whatsoever.

But I want to ask you
something.

When did it become
all about the money?

When did it become about
the flower arrangements,

and the white wine spritzers,
hmm?

And all the dinner rolls.

You people should be
ashamed of yourselves.

How many courses
did we have tonight?

Two? Three, maybe,
if you chose the pudding.

I mean, what waste.

These tables, tarted up
like victorian whores.

Let's remember
we are all here...

For the...
The dog society.

He's what's important,
whatever his name is,

not any of this.

So that is going to be
my donation to you.

Thank you and good night.

Whoa!

Uh... Oh.

- Oscar.
- Nice to see you again.

- It was lovely.
- It was lovely.

And don't forget to call.

Okay.

Thanks so much for coming.

Why does this
always happen to me? Ah!

I just feel so bad for Angela.

So it just goes on under here,
like this?

That's right.

- Oh, God!
- Yeah. Yeah,

- you never get used to that.
- Wow.

Hey, just wanted to check in,
see how you're doing.

I am so great.

He's great.
We're all great.

12 dogs.

This is my life now.
I'm a dog nurse.

Look at that one, though.
He's smiling.

Yeah, he should be.

It's his first day
without a muzzle.

This is the greatest thing
that has ever happened to me.

- Absolutely, it's...
- Yes.

- Awesome.
- I'm sorry, are you guys nuts?

He's not doing great.
He was fired.

This is terrible.

This is literally
the worst thing

that has ever happened to you,
not the best.

You're right.

He's right.
I am a mess.

This whole night I've been
trying to convince you guys

that I'm fine.
I guess I thought

that if I could convince you
that I'm fine, maybe--

Maybe you would think it too.

I'm sorry, uh, I--
Uh, it's just, I--

I-- I don't get to be in a lot
of human conversations, so--

- Okay, well, Andy, listen,

it's okay if you don't feel
totally settled.

This is all very fresh.

Yeah, I mean,
admitting that you need help

- is the first step.
- Yes,

and also,
focusing on the positive.

Like, I got a lot of good things
going on.

Yeah.

Like that rock opera.

You could always do that,
right?

Yeah, I do.
I have that.

Yeah.

You're gonna be all right.

Mmm, no.
No, he's not.

Yes I am.
Thank you, Kev.

You're welcome.

Sometimes I feel like everyone
I work with is an idiot.

And by "sometimes,"
I mean "all times."

All the time.
Every of the time.

So some of us ended up
adopting those elderly dogs.

It's been great.

Pepper's been getting me
out of the house,

going on runs.

Yeah, my dog Ruby
doesn't do anything.

She just lays there all day.
She's so chill.

What do you feed her?

Well, I put out Pro Bow Wow,
but she barely touches it.

She's so dainty.

Is she sick?
How are her poops?

Doesn't really poop.
It's perfect.

Nothing to pick up.

She just kind of lies there
all day like a good girl.

I put on the TV for her, but I have
to pop her eyes open, so she can see it.

- Does she smell?
- She smells horrible,

it's unbelievable, but I don't
want to put her in the bath,

'cause I'm afraid she'll drawn.

People seem awfully
interested in you, Ruby.

I guess they're just
jealous, right?

Yeah, attagirl, attagirl.

And that stinks.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
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