All language subtitles for Clone High (2002) S01E01

(male narrator)
Tonight, on a
very special Clone High.

(Abandoned Pools singing)
* Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees

* Dug up famous
guys and ladies *

* And made amusing
genetic copies *

* Now the clones
are sexy teens now *

* They're going to make it
if they try *

* Loving, learning,
sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh
and shiver and cry *

* Clone High

* Clone High

*

(Abe)
Gandhi, this year's
going to be different.

I'm taller, I've got
slightly bigger sideburns.

I spent all summer on my
high fives and my finger snaps.

[snaps fingers repeatedly]

I will finally have the
acceptance I so crave.

Joan of Arc!
Up top!

Don't touch me, Gandhi.

Too slow.
[snaps fingers]

Welcome back, Joan.

You got breasts.

Geez, Abe,
you grew like, a foot.

You grew like,
a pair of breasts.

Luckily the extra height
doesn't feel that awkward.

[thud]

I'm up.

I wish I'd seen you
more over the summer

but I was at camp.

Was it breast camp?

Okay, you get one more.

Well, brand new year,
same old faces.

Hiya, Kennedy.

I invaded her
Bay of Pigs,

if you catch
my meaning.

Oh, yeah,
steamed vegetables.

What'd Mama
make for you?

Nine fried peanut butter
banana sandwiches

and a thermos
full of tranquilizers,

thank you very much.

[chugging]

I have left
the building.

Man, one of
the Elvis twins

really
let himself go.

[scoffs]

Hasn't anyone here
grown at all?

[grunts]

You were
thinking it.

(Gandhi)
I know.

[bell ringing]

You know, Abe,
I've been thinking.

I'm going to date
a lot more this year.

Uh, huh, yeah,
I wanna date Cleopatra.

She's attractive, smart,
athletic, good-looking.

She's hot, photogenic;

she takes pride
in her appearance.

I guess what
I'm trying to say is

I admire her commitment
to community service.

You don't think dating an
old friend would be better?

You know,
maybe someone that,

you know,
you take for granted.

No,
I like Cleo.

But Abe, think about it,
like an old friend, you know--

Nope, Cleo.

Only Cleo.

Hi, Abe.

[gasping]

Are those
longer sideburns?

[squeaking]
No idea.

[glass shattering]

Abe, I think
you're bleeding.

[whispers]
Not now.

Fine.

I'll go wait
for you by the gauze.

(Gandhi)
Cleopatra.

Comin' at ya.
Ow!

Do I know you?

Gandhi.

We had every class
together last year?

I gave you
one of my kidneys.

I miss him.

I was your foster brother
for ten years

until you
convinced our parents

I wasn't good enough
for your image

and you had me
transferred to another home.

- Benji?
- Gandhi.

Oh, that's so great
for you.

Anyway, Abe,

JFK's having
a party Friday.

I hope I see you there.

Hey, Cleo.

Why, yes,
these are longer sideburns.

(Mr. Sheepman)
The first day of school's
always awkward.

I just want you
to know I can relate.

You see, I'm not just your
kindly history teacher.

I'm also the first
mostly-human clone.

Spliced in
a little sheep DNA.

Which is fine with me.

You can't even tell,
Mr. Sheepman.

[Mr. Sheepman chomping]
Thank you!

Before you leave,

we have an announcement
from Miss of Arc.

(Abe voice-over)
I admire her commitment
to community service.

Now, I know
I don't have to tell you

how committed I am
to community service.

That's why I'm starting
a teen crisis hotline

and I'm looking
for volunteers.

Dude, that's a
three-story drop.

I don't care.
I'm going for it.

[thud]

(Gandhi)
Oh, my god!

I can see my bone!

(Principal Scudworth)
Oh, young, unsuspecting clones.

Little do they know,
I control them.

The greatest minds
the world has ever known.

For what is more powerful

than a high school
principal?

- Dr. Scudworth.
- [yelps]

Sorry to disturb you,

but there's growing concern

among the secret board
of shadowy figures

that you may be
completely insane.

Blasphemy!

Yeah, well,

you do have a robot butler
named Mr. Butlertron.

[monotone voice]
Anyone for scones?

Why, creating a mechanical
British servant

is no more eccentric than
the tie you're wearing.

(Mr. Butlertron)
More tea, Wesley?

He calls everyone Wesley.

Don't know why.

Yeah, that's fascinating.

but we're paying you
to monitor these clones

as closely as possible,

so if you want to keep your job

you can either
write a report proving

you know what it's like
to be a student at Clone High--

I'll do no such thing.

Or I'm to kill you.

I'll title it "What it's like
to be a teen-aged clone

colon, a rope of sand."

(Mr. Butlertron)
Good title.

It draws the reader in
without giving too much away.

Wesley.

(JFK)
Lincoln,

I've got dibs on
that Cleopatra broad,

so back off.

She's numbers one
and two on my list

of 150 women
to bang this year.

What you doing
in here, buddy?

Making a
Lincoln log?

Heyo!
What's up, Fitzy-baby?

Party at your place
on Friday, right?

Rock it!

Yeah, psyched for
the rager, JFK...dog.

I will see you there.

And by "will"
I mean "won't."

[laughs]

'Cause you're
not invited.

I wasn't sure if
I was clear earlier.

So, uh, you're not.

Invited, that is.

To my party.

Forgot to wash
my hands.

(Abe)
I gotta get to that party.

(Gandhi)
Dude, we're never going
to get invited

sitting here,
surrounded by geeks.

They're not geeks,
Gandhi.

They're just
delightfully eccentric.

Hello, cohort.

It is I,
George Washington Carver,

and I spent my summer

bioengineering this
anthropomorphic peanut.

Hi-ho, guv'nors.

I'd shake your hands,
but, you know,

peanut arms.

All right,
they're geeks,

but we have better
things to do

than worry about who
or what we're seen with.

No, Gandhi's right.

This isn't about
who we hang out with.

This is about not having to put
your hand on your own buttock

and pretend
it's a woman's breast.

All I'm saying is
a girl is interested in me,

and I'm not going
to ignore it.

Abe, I want you.

You want me
to what?

I, um--

Forgot what you
were going to say.

Happens to me all the time.

Well, I'm off.

What?

Kennedy, I have
a proposition for you.

Mark my words,
Lincoln.

You and your friends are, uh,
not coming to that party.

I'll get the beer.

Be there at 8:00!

Shazam!

We're in!

Any ideas on how
to get the beer?

Nope.

(Eleanor Roosevelt)
It's time for the
Presidential Fitness Test

where we make you even more
insecure about your bodies

by touching you while you

perform arbitrary
physical tasks.

Can't believe we got
Eleanor Roosevelt

as a gym teacher.

Yeah,
he's great.

You know, Abe,

tonight I finally have
the night off from the hotline,

which is community service,

so I was thinking we could,
like, you know,

carpool to JFK's party,
you know, just, save gas--

You like talking,
of Arc?

Well, you can talk
your tight little buns

into Principal
Scudworth's office!

Slowly.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, stud.

I'm so glad you're getting
the beer tonight.

I just love
underage drinking.

[stammers feebly]

Okay, how the hell am
I going to get that beer?

Easy.

Tell them that
they heard you wrong.

What you said was,
"I'll get the beards."

That makes
no sense.

Yeah, but if you
think about it,

It would still be
a pretty sweet party.

This is the best
party ever!

Thanks, Gandhi!

Okay, Ghengis Khan.

When the clerk asks
if you're over 21,

say yes, got it?

You over 21?

Okay, he used a very
tricky line of questioning.

Let's practice again.

Are you over 21?

Yes.

You over 21?

No.

So I guess
you're 21.

I am 21.

I'm not 21!

(Principal Scudworth)
Miss of Arc, I'll look at your
little gym-class disruption

if you help me with
a report I'm writing.

Tell me your
likes and dislikes.

Well, I dislike
being tied to a chair.

Good!

I'll use a big font,
futz with the margins,

and I'll be home
in time for Jay Lee-no.

[scoffs]

You would
like Leno.

How dare you insult
that big-chinned everyman

and his various
African-American bandleaders?

Perhaps you'll
learn some respect

spending the rest of the
afternoon in my death-maze!

[maniacal laughter]

Oh, this is useless.

I need to observe
the teenagers in their element.

I will be Dian Fossey,
and they the gorillas.

But where can I find the mist?

(JFK over P.A.)
Attention, students.

JFK will be having
a huge kegger tonight.

Students only!

That is all.

You seem to have
this compulsion to nail Cleo

What do you think
drives this desire

to act overly macho?

Well, it's my
foster parents.

You know that show
My Two Dads?

It's like that
but more gay.

Mm, look how nice
he looks

in the Dockers
we bought him.

Dad!

What,
you're too good

to be gay
like your old man?

Carl, it is not
his fault.

Baby was born
that way.

[thud]

Death-maze, huh?

Oh, I was in
the maze once.

It was hot.

You know, I'm hot now.

Think I'll take my shirt off.

[clippers buzzing]

Ah.

Ready for the weekend!

Gandhi, I think
it's really big of you

to skip the party and work
the hotline tonight.

Of course.

Sure, I buckled
under the pressure

of living up to
the original Gandhi

and became a
nonstop party machine.

But--damn it.

I still care.

So, Joan,

you can count on me.

No, I'm not at a party.

We're just really busy
here at the teen hotline!

Whoo!

Suzy, Kelly,
do me a favor and make out!

[laughs]

So you're depressed?

Hey, everybody!
It's me, Abe!

[all grumbling]

Hey, everybody!
It's a keg of beer!

(all)
Abe!

Hey, I thought you had
to work the hotline tonight.

No, man, I just forwarded
the calls to my cell phone.

Look, I'll talk to you
when you can stop crying.

And you're not afraid
of Joan catching

and ultimately killing you?

Oh, I'm so scared!

I think I'll just jump off
this balcony in case she--

Oh, my god!

[quietly]
Yipe.

[thud]
- Whoo!

Congratulations, Abe.

The people were clamoring
to make asses of themselves,

and you gave them
a means to do it.

Not exactly.

I--
[sighs]

I could only get
nonalcoholic beer.

They're going
to be able to tell.

[humming]

I'm a pony!

You'll be fine.

Joan, have you ever liked
someone so much you're afraid

you're gonna blurt out
something stupid?

I have a rash
on my back.

(Mr. Butlertron)
Are you sure this is
the best way to do research?

Won't they be able
to tell we're not students?

You underestimate me,
my metal friend.

Wassup, fellow students!

Raise the roof!
Raise it!

Where are my bitches?

Sometimes, I just

turn the lights off
in my room and cry.

(Gandhi on phone)
I'm sorry, van Gogh,
could you speak up?

(van Gogh on phone)
The only way I can cling
to my sanity

is that nobody knows
how lonely I truly am.

[stifles laugh]

He's sad!

- It's hilarious.
[laughter]

(van Gogh on phone)
Wait.
Am I on speakerphone?

Hey, would Gandhi
put somebody on speakerphone?

(crowd)
No!

This is Gandhi?
How could you?

Hey, man, Gandhi's
anti-violence, not anti-comedy.

Whew.

Feels good
to help people.

[distant music]

Want to talk
about it?

You wouldn't understand.

Maybe you should tell Abe
how you really feel.

[scoffs]

What good
would that do?

Maybe he just thinks you
don't think he doesn't want

to not ruin
the friendship.

You make it sound
so simple.

Maybe one of us just needs
to make the first move.

Maybe that one of us is you.

Thanks, Mr. B.

I love you.

Don't mention it.

Wesley.

You know, Abe, maybe
its the beer talking.

I doubt it.

It's just, I always
saw you as this honest guy,

but now I'm seeing you
as a cool guy

who just happens
to be honest.

Doesn't that
blow your mind?

That's me.
Cool, honest Abe.

Oh, Abe, it's like
there's a tin can phone

from your brain
to my heart.

(man singing)
* No regrets tonight you don't
care will someone be there *

* To catch you when you fall

[gasps]

[both smooching]

(man singing)
* Since you left,
I can't recall *

* Feeling so incomplete

That no-good,
cheating tramp!

Hey, get off my dinghy!

Not you.

What do you think
you are, uh, doing?

Look, Kennedy,
we kissed.

I don't want to exaggerate
the importance of it,

but we're going
to be together forever.

Come on.
She's drunk.

She also kissed
a talking peanut.

Right here
on me left nut!

So who's it
gonna be?

Cleo, I care
about you.

Every moment
we spend together

makes me want to
know you more.

My abs
are so firm

you can
grate cheese on 'em!

It's so hard
to choose.

I need some time
to be alone.

Nacho?

Oh, man,
that does suck.

If that were me,

I would probably
kill myself.

Hello?

Hey, Joan,
cool stun gun!

Wait, I can explain!
Ow!

I forwarded--ooh!

Egg whites only, please.

Teen crisis hotline.
We're here because we care.

[screams]

[smacks]

Not a piñata!

It's me,
your memorable school chum,

Cloney McStudent.

Piñata!

Uh-huh.

Well,
choosing between

a jerk who's
good for your image

and a nice,
sensitive guy

is not really
much of a problem.

What should I do?

[gasps]

Go for the jerk.

Ooh, and sleep with him
right away.

It's never to early
for your first time!

Oh, and also,
don't floss your teeth.

Hmm.

You do have to make sacrifices
to be the best.

[sighs]
Damn it.

You know what?

Go with the nicer guy.

And flossing keeps gums
healthy and removes plaque

from hard-to-brush areas.

Whoo!

Did you just
screw yourself.

Whoo!

You know, even if these pants
do fall off,

I'm still wearing boxers.

Ah, good thing there was
no one around to see that.

Oh, yes.

No one, indeed.

After consulting a random person
on the telephone,

I've come
to a decision.

I choose you.

Doink.
[grunts]

Great.

Abe?

[squeaks]
Happy.

Sorry, my dear boy.

Salty seconds!

[laughs]

Want a beer?

Sure.

Maybe pretending to be drunk
will ease the pain.

So are you drunk enough yet
to sleep with me?

[smacks]
- [whimpers] Bobby.

Answer the question!

[siren blaring]

[screaming]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my old friend,
underage drinking.

So we meet again.

How are you,
underage drinking?

Besides illegal.

Underage drinking?

Shame on all of you.

Shame!

Back to you, Kojak!

This kid's not sober,
is he?

And none of you are 21,
are you?

And these pot stickers aren't
made with real crab, are they?

I stand corrected.

You. You're holding a beer.
Get in, get in here!

Well, that's two, which is all
we can fit in the squad car.

The rest of you
are free to go.

Come on, Abe,
leave your friends behind

and come back to my
soundproof basement.

(man singing)
* Since you left I can't recall
feeling so incomplete *

*

Let them go.

Son, if we don't enforce
the drinking age

the excitement of
sneaking around to get wasted

might disappear forever.

Do you want that
on your shoulders, pal?

It's nonalcoholic beer.

[crowd gasps]

(Gandhi)
I knew it!

I guess I was just looking
for what all of us are--

acceptance.

[coughs]
Loser!

[laughter]

I am so funny!
[laughs]

(shadowy figure)
Where's my report?

[yelps]

(Principal Scudworth)
Shadowy figure!

It's actually a funny story.

I was working on it

and I tried to email it
to myself,

but then my roommate--

That is a funny story.

Mr. Butlertron, lower the shades
and lay down a tarp.

Okay!

I spent the entire weekend
among the teenagers!

I was humiliated,
degraded, judged.

I felt so alone.

Where'd he go?

I guess you proved to him
you understand

what it feels like
to be a teenager.

And a piñata.

(Principal Scudworth)
Well, from now on,
I'll be more sensitive

to the awkwardness and emotional
insecurity of today's youth.

Out of my way, fatty.

You too, bad skin.

Well, I'm not going
to let this get me down.

[thud]

I'm up!

Look, right now
you're a loser.

A big one.

But soon someone else
will make

an even bigger ass of themselves
and everyone else will forget

about what a big, big, big
loser you are.

[loud laughter]

Thanks, van Gogh!

I hate this school.

(announcer)
Next week, on a very special
Clone High...

Abe's competition
with JFK heats up

at the school election.

Gandhi provides some sort
of comic relief.

And special guest star
Marilyn Manson

makes a shocking confession.

My name is Marilyn Manson,
and I'll see you next time

at Clone High.

(Abandoned Pools singing)
* Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees

* Dug up famous
guys and ladies *

* And made amusing
genetic copies *

* Now the clones
are sexy teens now *

* They're going to make it
if they try *

* Loving, learning,
sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh
and shiver and cry *

* Clone High