All language subtitles for The Real Blonde

(light jazz music)

(glass shattering)

- Come on, Buddy.

Be careful.

Watch out for that glass.

Mm.

What the hell is
wrong with people?

Huh, Buddy?

Doesn't it seem
like everybody is

getting stupider and stupider?

Why did they have to be
breaking somebody's window?

Huh, Buddy?

Are you listening to me?

I know what you're
thinking about.

You just want to eat.

Let's go now.

'Cause I got to get to work.

You hold onto that ball.

What do you think you're
going to have for breakfast

this morning, huh?

Bacon and eggs?

Ha, ha.

You wish.

- [Joe] What are you,
a cat or a rabbit?

- [Mary] Kitty cat.

- No.

You're a rabbit, a
fuzzy-headed little rabbit.

- Mm.

You've got a hard-on.

No, I don't.
- You do too.

- Mary, don't you think I'd
know it if I had a hard-on?

- Then what's this?

- That's a carrot I keep to
feed the little rabbit with.

(Mary laughing)

- Come on, Joe.

Stop.

I don't have time.

We'll do it tonight, okay?

- Okay, if that's what
you want, I'll stop.

- Oh, all right.

Quick.

Get a rubber, carrot boy.

- Well, let's just
do it without.

- No!

Come on, I don't
want to get pregnant.

No.

- All right, all right.

Calm down.

I get it.

Just a second.

- Help!

Help!

Somebody help me, please!

Help!

Help!

That man stole my dog!

- Joe, call the police!

- What's the matter?

- Oh, my god!

Someone just stole
this woman's dog!

Call the police!
- Help me!

Help!

- Shit!
- [Woman] Stop!

- [Mary] Oh, god.

I see him.
- You stole my dog!

Buddy!

- Come on, now.
- Buddy!

- I see you, you prick!
- Stop, please!

- [Mary] We're calling
the police, ma'am.

- He stole my dog!

Buddy!

Buddy!

(upbeat jazz music)

- Hey.

Hey, where are you going?

- Sorry, babe.

I've got to split.

- Oh, don't you
want some breakfast?

- No.

No time for that.

What's with this lock?

- You turn it to the left.

To the left.

Am I going to see you again?

- Oh, sure.

Of course, babe.

I'll give you a call sometime.

Take it easy.
- Do you like rollerblading?

(upbeat jazz music)

Oh, shit.

- Joe, is this
blouse too revealing?

- Look at this.

There's Joe Schmo,
talented new actor.

And here's Miss Quim,
talented new actress.

- Joe.
- He's standing on the street

in an overcoat.

And she's lying on the
floor in her underwear

with her boobs hanging out.

- So?

- What do you mean, so?

Here it is, 25 years
after women's liberation.

And women are still
being reduced to selling

themselves as sex objects.

- Maybe she doesn't
feel reduced.

Maybe she feels proud
of her sexuality.

- Well, maybe he's
proud of his sexuality.

Why isn't he crawling
across the floor

with his balls hanging out?

(Mary laughing)

And what do boobs have
to do with acting?

Nothing.

I'm going to write
a book about this.

- You're not working today?

- Yes, I'm working.

I'm working a lunch,
and then I have

that audition with the
casting director at three.

- Right.

Oh, good luck, hon.
- Thank you.

- Um, listen, I still
need a check for the rent.

- What, again?

- Yeah, it kind
of works that way.

You know, once a month?

Oh, remember we have dinner
with Raina and Alex tonight.

And I think they're
bringing the baby.

- [Joe] All right, I'll
meet you after the audition.

- Good luck, honey.
- Bye.

- There you are, Mr. Bob.

Clean and pressed.

Very nice.

- It's is a piece
of shit, Chang.

- Oh, no.

It's a very nice tuxedo.

- It's a piece of shit.

And I'll tell you something.

The next time I come
inhere, I'll give it to you.

- Oh, no.

Mr. Bob, keep your tuxedo.

- No, it's yours.

A little souvenir
from me to you.

You know what that
means, souvenir?

- Yes.

I think it means you
are full of shit.

- (laughing) Keep
going to night school.

(upbeat music)

- Looking good
today, sugar tits.

- Hello, Miss Taylor?

It's Dee Dee, isn't it?

It's really great to meet you.

Thank you for seeing me.

But how could you miss me?

I'm standing right in
front of you. (laughing)

What I'm going to do for
you today, Miss Taylor,

is one of Hap's speeches
from Arthur Miller's "Death

of a Salesman."

You know, Biff, sometimes I
want to just rip my clothes off

in the middle of
that store and outbox

that god damn
merchandise manager.

I mean, I can outbox,
outrun, and outlift

anybody in that store.

And I have to take orders
from those common, petty sons

of bitches till I
can't stand it anymore.

You see, everybody
around me is so false.

I'm constantly
lowering my ideals.

Hello, Miss Taylor?

It's Dee Dee, isn't it?

(upbeat music)
(all chattering)

- Where are the biker boys?

All right, biker boys,
show me those abs.

Okay.

Flex, flex, flex, flex, flex.

That's what we want,
beautiful, tight, chunky abs.

Yes.

Oil the abs.

I want a boa
constrictor or a python.

Morning, ladies.

10 minutes.
- Morning.

- Let's go!
- I don't know, Mary.

I'm sort of giving up
on the whole human race.

- Why, honey, what's the matter?

- Everybody is so superficial.

- Oh.

- I am sick of it.

I am sick of all this
superficial bullshit.

I'm a very spiritual person.

- Are you really?

- Oh, very spiritual.

Have you seen "The
Little Mermaid"?

- The cartoon?

- Oh, it's not just
a cartoon, Mary.

If you look just
a little closer,

you will find a spiritual
message in every single one

of Walt Disney's films.

Could we please change
this fucking music?

- Oh, sure, baby.

What do you want to hear?

Hole?

Snoopy Dog Dog?

- Any, anything, okay?

Christ.

Douche would be
better than this shit.

It's depressing.

- Is Douche good?

- I'm not going
to be able to work

with this depressing shit.

It's 10 o'clock, and
I'm already depressed.

I, I look depressed, don't I?

- No.

No.

You look beautiful.

(upbeat music)

- Hey, ya little baby.

Come here, sweetheart.

- Hey!

What the hell's the
matter with you?

- What?

- Don't what me.

You know what I'm talking about.

What if that was
your granddaughter?

Huh?

You old fucking scumbag.

- [Man] Hey, just
leave me alone.

- Jesus.

Excuse me.

Do I know you?

- No, I, I don't think so.

- God, the way you smiled
at me, I feel like I've

known you my whole life.

- That's so sweet.

Are you in a relationship?

- Yes, I am.

- You don't sound
very happy about it.

- Well, I, I love my
girlfriend very much.

It's just that I
don't think that she

understands me in a real
emotional or sexual way.

- Yeah.

I sense that in you.

You know, this is going
to sound really crazy.

But I feel like I've
knownyou my whole life too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And I'd like to give you
a blow job right now.

- Right now?

- Do you mind?

(upbeat music)

- You didn't go in?
- No, I didn't go in.

I'm in a relationship.

I can't go sniffing
every bird that flies by.

- She was a real blonde?

- Kind of hard to tell
from the street, Bob.

- Yeah.

I know what you mean.

I met this model last night.

I thought she was blonde till
we got back to her place.

It turned out she was fake.

Straight out of a bottle.

It's too bad.

She was sweet too.

- What?

You're not going
to see her again

because she dyes her hair?

- (whistling) Let's go.

All right, lads.

Look sharp.

Come on.

All right, gentlemen.

Front and center.

Everyone pay attention.

You will divide into
eight two-man squads.

First man in pours the red wine.

Second man in serves
the finger food.

And it is called finger
food precisely because it is

to be eaten with the fingers.

No utensils.

Any questions?

- Ernst, I have a question.

Are you wearing a girdle?

Because your ass looks
incredible in those pants.

(all laughing)

- (chuckling) No, I am
not wearing a girdle.

But you can be assured
that if I catch any of you

faggots looking at
my ass, I'll fire

the whole fucking lot of you.

- Hey, Ernst, we're
not all gay, you know.

- That, my dear, straight
friend, is your problem.

To your stations.

(fingers snapping)

(light orchestral music)

What is your name?

- Joe.

Joe Finnegan.

- Who hired you, did I hire you?

- Yes, you did.

I was recommended by Bob.

- Don't ever let
the neck of a bottle

touch the rim of the glass.

And smile, for god's sake.

You look like you're
at a fucking funeral.

- My balls are killing me.

- Why?

- That model I was
with last night.

She was like an animal.

19.

One of those tight
little asses you just

want to take a bite out of.

- Jesus.

Where did you meet her?

- This bar.

TNA.

I'll take you down there.

All the chicks there are these
gorgeous high-class models,

even the waitresses.

- If they're such
high-class models,

what are they doing waitressing?

- Hey, you're doing it.

- So are you.

- Not for much longer, pal.

Guess who just got
a part on a soap?

- Get out of here.
- "Passion Crest."

Recurring character, Dirk Drake.

- I wouldn't do a soap.

It's not even acting.

- $3,600 a week.

Act that, you sorry,
broke-ass fucking waiter.

- Feel the jeans, Sahara.

Come on.

Feel those jeans.

Yeah.

Feel it.

Come on, go for it.

You know where it is.

Let's go.

You're not with me, Sahara.

Come on, Sahara.

All right, kill the fan.

Sahara, you know
that I love you?

- Yes.

- [Blair] And you know
that you're my favorite?

- Oh, yes.

- That's why I want you
to go deeper with me.

I want the pure essence
of your sexuality.

- I thought that's
what I was doing.

- You are.

But this woman is,

she's fearless, just like you.

She's bold.

She can do something
a little kinky,

maybe a little dirty, sexually,

and be absolutely fine with it.

Understand?

- I think so.
- Good.

Good.

- Maybe you should
just shoot her

getting fucked by a poodle.

- What?

Why a poodle?

- I've always wanted
a Jack Russell.

(all laughing)

- You ever feel
like fooling around?

- Sure.

Sometimes I get the urge.

You know, just
like everyone else.

Basically, I'd say that
Mary and I are pretty happy.

- Well, that's good.
- Yeah, you know.

Sex is good.

Could be a little better.

Sometimes I wish Mary
was a little bit more-

- What?

- I wish sometimes that she'd
just go a little bit wild,

like you said that model
did, go crazy on me.

See, I need that, Bob.

- Well, come on, man.

Look on the bright side.

You've got stability, right?

Some people need that.

All right, I'm heading this way.

- When do you start the soap?

- Tomorrow morning, my friend.

- Then I guess I
won't be seeing you.

- No.

Hey, come on.

We'll get together.

I'll give you a call sometime.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Dirk Drake, huh?

"Passion Crest."
- $3,600 a week!

- What is wrong with
people, you know?

Every day it seems
like everybody's just

getting stupider and stupider.

- You seem rather
agitated today, Mary.

- I am agitated.

I am.

You know, every morning I
pass this guy in the street.

And he always makes some
disgusting comment to me.

- Why don't you take
a different route?

- Because I don't want to
take a different route.

Why should I let that scumbag
dictate how I live my life?

- Mm-hmm.
- What I feel like doing

is taking him by the hair

and smashing his face
right into the sidewalk.

- (chuckling) Perhaps we
can find a more productive

outlet for your anger.

Another female patient of mine

is taking a self-defense class

that is quite unique.

- I don't need self-defense.

- Hear me out, Mary.
- Okay.

- The instructor has apparently

devised a series of exercises
designed to help women cope

with the more ordinary
rudenesses they encounter

on a day-to-day basis.

I'm going to get his
telephone number for you.

And you call him when
you feel like it.

A physical activity
like this might

alleviate some of that
hostility you have for men.

- Am I hostile towards men?

- We'll talk about
that next week.

- Oh, okay.

- And might I add that
blouse you're wearing

is especially becoming.

- Thank you, Dr. Leuter.

(upbeat jazz music)

- You know, Biff,

sometimes I want to
just rip my clothes off

in the middle of that store
and outbox that god damn

sales merchandise manager.

I mean, ah!

Sorry.

I, I, uh, forgot my line.

- Oh, that's all right.

Really, really it is, Joe.

So well, we have a little
problem with your credits here.

I mean, there's no TV,
no commercials, no soaps.

- I'm not that interested
in doing soap operas.

- Oh.

Why is that?

Well, that's not
even acting, is it?

I mean, not the kind of
acting that I want to do.

I mean, it's fake.

And it's stupid.

- Well, it's clear that
you and I have absolutely

nothing to talk about.

Goodbye.

- Excuse me, Miss Taylor.

What did I say?

- What every other no name,
no credit actor says when

he comes through that door.

I mean, who the hell
do you think you are?

Tom Cruise?

Well, you're not.

And believe me,
you're stupid if you

think that I would
hire any actor who

wasn't damn willing to work.

- Well, you misunderstood.

- This is a business.

If you don't understand that,
then you don't belong in it.

Go away.

- You're right, Miss Taylor.

This is a business.

I understand that.

I'm beginning to
understand that.

I didn't mean that I
wouldn't work on a soap.

If there was something that you

thought I could do, of
course I would do it.

Really.

I would love to work on a soap.

- How old are you?

- 35.

- 35.

No credits, no agent.

All right, let's get real, Joe.

Have you got a bathing suit?

- I could get one.

- Good.

There's a Madonna video coming
up, kind of a beach theme.

You might be right for it.

Unless, of course, you
don't do music videos.

- (laughing) Of course I do.

That would be
great, Miss Taylor.

Or is it Dee Dee?

- Thanks, Joe.

I'll be in touch.

(singer vocalizing)

- [Woman] Hey, guys.

Come on back and see Chavonne,
New York's hottest blonde.

She's a college girl
majoring in sexy, sexy, sexy.

That's right.

You there in the overcoat-

- This, uh, college chick.

Is she a real blonde?

- Oh, yeah.

Beautiful.

Sexy, sexy chick, man.

Like Madonna, but blonde.

Very blonde.

- All right, so I'll
take a buck's worth.

- [Woman] Here he comes.

He knows the real thing.

How about you other guys, huh?

Don't you want to see Chavonne,
New York's hottest blonde.

(upbeat dance music)

(singer vocalizing)

(Bob moaning)

(upbeat music)
(all chattering)

- Thank you.

I love this little puppy.

I love her, I love her,

I love her, I love her.

- We love her too.

Don't we, Cassiopeia?

- Hey there, little Cassie.

- We don't call her Cassie, Joe.

We have a strict rule.

Her whole name or
no name at all.

- Sorry.

That's a good rule.

- It's so great to see you guys.

It's been too long.

We've been absolutely
crazed since Alex's show.

- Absolutely crazed.

I'm in three galleries now.

The paintings are selling so
fast I don't even have time

to stretch a canvas.

If you need a job, Joe, I
could put you to work tomorrow.

- Oh, thanks.

I got a job.

- You know, I don't think we've
seen you since "Il Piano."

- Oh, my god.

I love that movie.

Wasn't that a great movie?

- A great, great flick.

One of the best, really.

That movie was a piece of shit.

(all laughing)

- Are you kidding?

- No, I'm not kidding.

Come on.

It was nothing but a
glorified romance novel.

Spirited, sensuous young woman
leaves her uptight husband

for the man of her dreams, a
masculine but sensitive native

with earrings and tattoos.

- Sorry, Joe.

But I think you
completely missed

what this film was about.

- Oh.

What was it about?

- Well, it was about
a lot of things.

It was about courage, freedom.

It was about unrestricted,
unconditional, primal love.

- Yeah, you're way
off on this, man.

- I'm just curious.

Has anyone seen "The
Little Mermaid"?

- Besides, it was only on every
top 10 list in the country.

- So what?

What are those two going to do
for the rest of their lives,

stand around and
stare at each other

all loving and unconditional?

Do you think that they'll ever
have a real argument the way

that real people do?

Do you think that she would
ever say to him, hey, Kimba,

you know, I really love
your masculine sensitivity,

but do you think
that just once you

could remember to
lift the toilet seat

before you take a piss?

- I completely agree with you.

My boyfriend loved the movie
so much, I broke up with him.

- Which movie?

- "Il Piano."
- Yeah.

What the hell was
that movie all about?

- I liked it.
- Huh?

- [Man] You liked
Harvey Keitel's ass.

- No, that's utterly untrue.

I did not like that movie.

- But what else was
there to like about it?

- What are they talking about?

- "Il Piano."

- Great photography.

- That little girl bugged me.

If I had a daughter like that,
I'd kick her fucking ass.

- You ask me something.

You don't wait for me to answer.

- As it should be.

Who the hell wants
to see a man nude?

Who cares?

- I thought it was incredible.

I cried through most of it.

- You did cry, and
I was proud of you.

(all chattering)

You went on and on
and on about it.

I mean, it was a
little embarrassing.

- Well, I just didn't feel
like listening to him blab

about his paintings all night.

Did you hear that
little dig about a job?

- What dig?

- That I could come work
for him stretching canvases.

What do I look like,
a fucking handyman?

- Joe, why are you so angry?

Did your audition go badly?

Is that it?

- No, actually, it went great.

I really nailed the monologue.

And afterward, she looked
at my resume and said,

"You don't have
any soaps on here."

And I said, "I know I don't.

You want to know why?

Because I don't
consider that acting."

- You said that?

- Yep.

And you know what?

She may have something
for me already.

- What?
- A Madonna video.

- Joe, that's fantastic.

I mean, that could
lead to something.

And it's money, right?

- That's right, Mary.

That's what I'm learning.

It's a business.

It's all a business.

- Guess what?

I might take a
self-defense class.

- Why?

Well, Dr. Leuter said it might

help me deal with my hostility.

- Your what?
- Uh, the assholes

on the street.

- Oh.

Well, that's great.

So that's what you guys
talk about in there?

- That and other things.

Why?

- Just curious.

Bob got a job on a soap.

He's not doing the
catering anymore.

Told me he met
this blonde model.

They went back to her place
and had kinky sex all night.

- Is that what you'd like?

Kinky sex with a blonde model?

- Well, she wouldn't
necessarily have to be a model.

- What?

I'm not kinky enough for you?

- I never said that.

- You implied it.

- I did not.

I was simply telling you
about what happened to Bob.

Of course, you're kinky.

You're very kinky, okay?

We both know that
sometimes I have to-

- What?

- Well, you know.
- No.

- Initiate things.

- You do not.

What about this morning?

- Well, actually, if you recall,

I suggested that we make love.

And your first response was no.

- Christ.

I thought we had a
pretty healthy sex life.

And now you're telling
me you're bored with me?

- Could just hold on a second?

The only thing
that I'm suggesting

is that perhaps we could be a
little bit more spontaneous.

- How?

Well, for one
thing, by not having

to wear a rubber all the time.

- I'm sorry, Joe.

I don't want to get pregnant.

It just seems a
little bit odd to me

that for somebody who's so
against getting pregnant,

you seem to be
infatuated with babies.

I mean, Christ, you were
allover that little Tapioca.

- Cassiopeia.

And so what?

I like babies.

I just don't want to
have one of my own.

- That's great.

- Why?

Do you want to have a baby?

- No.

- I'm not going to have a
kid until we can afford it.

- What does money
have to do with it?

- You don't have any.

- Other people have kids.

How do they do it?

- Either they hire
somebody, or one of them

stays home and takes
care of the baby.

Are you going to do it?

If you think I'm going
to give up my career,

you're crazy. (laughing)

- What are we talking
about this for?

- You brought it up.

- No, I didn't.

I was talking about something
completely different.

- Well, what were
you talking about?

- Let's just drop it, okay?

- And now you're all pissed off.

- What makes you say that?

(upbeat music)

- You know that I never
thought I'd see you again?

- I told you I'd
call you, didn't I?

- Yes, but I thought
maybe you didn't like me.

- Hey, what's not to like?

- Do you like my eyes?

- Mm-hmm.

- Do you like my body?

- Oh, yeah.

- Do you like my hair?

Do you?

What's the matter?

- Nothing.

- Oh, come on.

What's the matter?

- Excuse me.
- Bob, come on.

Wait.

What's wrong?
- God damn it.

I said nothing was wrong!

- There's a message.

Did you hear this?

- No.

It's probably for you.

(machine beeping)

- [Madonna] Hi, this is Madonna.

It's Wednesday, about 2:55.

Sorry for calling so late.

I'm trying to
reach Joe Finnegan.

Joe, can you please call
me immediately at 555-

- Jesus fucking Christ.

- Do you really think it's her?

- Of course it's her.

Who else would it be?

She's probably calling
about the video.

- [Madonna] Immediately
at 555-0270.

- You know, Joe, Madonna is
an international superstar.

I mean, I seriously doubt she's
going to call you at home.

At the very least, she'd have
her assistant call, right?

- Mary, I've heard she
gets personally involved

in all of her projects.

She probably saw my picture
on the wall and said, hey,

maybe I'll feature Joe
Finnegan in my video.

- All right.

All right, well, call her.

- Well, it's only nine o'clock.

She's probably still sleeping.

- Oh.

Okay.

I'm going then.

Hey, call me if you reach her.

- [Joe] Oh, I will.

- [Both] Bye.

(upbeat music)

(phone beeping)

- [Man] Hey, baby.

Come sit on my face.

- Oh, grow up, you
stupid asshole.

- Get angry, baby!

I like it!

Makes my dick hard.

See? (laughing)

(electricity crackling)

Ah!

Ah.

- [Mary] Why do you
say that shit, huh?

Why?

- [Man] God, stop!

Stop, please!

- No, I'm not going to
fucking stop until you

tell me why you say it.

Do you think you're going
to meet women this way?

You think some woman is going
to turn around and say, hey,

there's a fucking guy
I'd like to go out with?

- No!

No, I'm just a coward, a
miserable fucking coward.

Ohh.

(all screaming)

(man chuckling)

- Dirk, I'm so
happy I could cry.

- Don't even think
of it, Deanna.

- I wish I could tell
Mother about the wedding.

- We will, as soon as
she's out of the coma.

- But Dirk, that
could take forever.

- Until then.

- Mm.

(dramatic music)

- [Carl] Cut!

What's next, cis?
- Page 35.

Living room, Garth finds
out Sandy is his sister.

20 minutes to set up.

- Okay!

Let's hear it for Bob!

Whoo!

(Bob sighing)

(dramatic music)

(knocking on door)

- Enter.

- Hey, Bob.

Whoa.

Great fucking abs, man.

- Thanks, Roy.

- [Roy] We should work
out together sometime.

- Yeah, we should.

- Hey, did you see the
ratings are up three points?

- Saw that.

- Yeah, yeah.

Keep that up, homes.

Yeah.

Hey, did you sign
those contracts yet?

- Any day, Roy.

- Fucking Valentino, man.

- "Bring me no more reports.

Let them fly all.

Till Birnam wood
remove to Dunsinane.

What's the boy, Malcolm?"

- You decent?

- Yes.

- Too bad.

- Ah, Deanna, I
see your innocence

is merely a part you play.

- Hmm.

You're a good actor, Bob.

- Thanks.

Thank you.

And so are you.

- I know I am.

You know, we could have done
a lot more with that scene.

- The kiss.

- Oh, are you kidding?

That little tickle thing
you did with your tongue?

I swear.

If I didn't have on
three pairs of underwear,

I might have knocked
over a light stand.

- (chuckling) Shut up!

- Oh, damn, Kelly.

You're a nice girl.

Too bad you're not real blonde.

- What are you talking about?

- Don't even try to
bullshit me, Kelly.

I know a real blonde
when I see one.

- Well, then you must
be fucking blind.

- Wait a second.

Are you telling me that
you are a real blonde?

- Head to toe.

Wanna see my driver's license?

- No.

I don't want to see
your driver's license.

- Satisfied?

- Close the door.

(upbeat music)

* What you want, you
ain't gonna get it *

- Sahara, where were you?

I just called you.

- Oh, hey.

Mary-
- Oh, my god.

What happened?

- Yesterday, I
went rollerblading

with this guy I just met.

And somehow I got
too close to him,

and his elbow hit me in the eye.

I know it was my fault.

I feel really stupid.

- Oh, Jesus.

- But can you cover it?

- Oh, my god.

You would not believe
what I am going

through with those
fucking snakes.

Oh, my god!

- Blair, I'm so sorry.

It was an accident.

- Is it real?
- Yeah, it's real.

- Yes.

- [Blair] Mary, you
have to get rid of it.

- It's not the bruise.

I can cover the bruise.

But the problem is the swelling.

I mean-
- Oh, no.

I've got to shoot today.

I booked those snakes
a month in advance.

- Well, you're just
going to have to shoot

her with a black eye then.

- Oh, are you crazy?

(soft music)

Dark, dark.

Bruise is truth.

We must never hide it.

Yes.

Bring in the serpents.

Yes.

Now wrap them around her legs.

Ah.

Ah-ha.

Ah-ha.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

That's it.

Everybody clear.

Everybody clear, let's shoot.

Let's shoot.

Roses.

Right now!

More!

(flashbulb popping)

Yes!

Oh, yes!

Powerful, powerful.

No blame, Sahara.

No blame, Kiki.

- To the side.

Hold it right there.
- Yeah, okay.

All right.

I'll take that
call in my office.

Oh!

Where is, oh, yeah.

Oh, Jim.

Hi.

- No, it's Joe Finnegan.

- Joe, I'm sorry.

Joe, of course.

Missy, get a shot of his back.

Would you turn around?

Mm-hmm.

Good.

Look, could you, give me
something sexy, a look-

- Sexy?
- Yeah, sexy.

Yeah, sexy.

Yeah, be confident.

Oh, okay.

That's good.

Thanks.

- Excuse me.

Uh, Dee Dee, did Madonna
speak to you about me?

- About you?

No, why?

- Well, it's a funny thing.

But I got a phone call left
on my answering machine.

And I, I keep calling, but
there's never an answer

at the number she left.

- Well, what do you
suppose it was about?

- I assumed that
it had something

to do with this video.

You know, maybe she
wanted to give me

a special cameo or something.

- Ha, Joe, there are no
special cameos in the video.

We'll try and get you
in the front row, huh?

And so you got the address.

You got the, uh, bathing suit.

Be prepared to spend all day.

- okay, great.

I'm excited.

Dee Dee, are there any soaps
coming up I could audition for?

- Not right now.

- Any plays or films?
- Not at the moment.

Oh, Joe, do you think
you could play a rapist?

- Yeah, I think so.

- How about a serial killer?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I think I could do that.

- I think you could too.

You're, you're young.

You're hip.

You're sexy.

I think you'd be perfect for it.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm going to keep my
eye out for that kind of role.

And as soon as I find
something, I'll let you know.

- Great!

Thanks, Dee Dee!

(upbeat music)

(light jazz music)

- Pick it up.

Pick that up now.

Go, go.

Jesus.

Oh, no wonder.

No wonder.

It's a little town near Buffalo.

- I've never been to Buffalo.
- Yeah.

- [Woman] I'd rather go
to Tahiti or Montserrat.

- Montserrat's fine.

But you got to fly there.

You could take the bus up to it.

- Joe!

Alex, look, it's Joe.
- You're right.

It is Joe.

Hey, there, buddy.

- What are you guys doing here?

- I'm on the board
because the Met

bought six of my paintings.

- Oh.

Then you're getting it
stretched all right, huh?

- This is so funny.

Joe, you're working.

- [Joe] Yeah, I got
to pay the bills.

- Great tuxedo, man.

- Thanks.

It's secondhand.

Hey, you know what?

I'm doing a Madonna
video tomorrow.

- I love Madonna.

You know, we know her.

- Yes, she called me.

She, she wants me to do
a special featured cameo

or something.

- That is just like her.

Tell her I said hi.
- I will.

- And tell Mary we should
get together real soon.

- Okay.
- It's so great.

- Excuse me, sir.

Is there anything
else I can get you?

Perhaps some more whipped cream?

- No, thank you, captain.

Got to keep shipshape for all
these fillies around here.

You know what I mean?

(both laughing)

- Aye, aye, Captain.

- What are you doing?

- He asked me about
the strawberries,

how they got so big.

- Never, ever touch
a guest, ever.

- I'm sorry, Ernst.

Nobody told me.

- Okay, okay, okay.

Just go, go, go, go, go.

God damn, you fucking whores.

- Let's begin today by
reviewing a few facts.

Men are physically
stronger than women.

This is not a criticism
of your gender, ladies.

It is a fact.

Fact, you as women
are vulnerable.

Vulnerable, but not helpless.

This class will provide each

and every one of
you with a simple

and effective means of
self-defense in the event

of a physical assault.

Fact.

There are other
types of assault-

Verbal harassment on the
streets, blatant groping

and fondling in public places.

All the behavioral tics that
make men so irresistible.

Now, my research has shown

that these assaults
can be equally

damaging if the rage and the
frustration that they arouse

are not released.

And to that end,
I have developed

a series of patented
exercises designed

to increase your RRQ.

Class?

- [All] Rage Release Quotient.

- Good.

Sheila, why don't you come up

to the front of
the class, please?

Thank you.

Now, remember, you can respond
however you feel, okay?

If you wish to
scream, scream away.

If you feel like striking
me, go ahead and do so.

Understand?

- I think so.

- All right, let's begin.

Looking good, sweet meat.

Sweet meat?

Did you hear what I said?

- Yes.

- Do you like being
called sweet meat?

- No.

- Does it make you angry?
- Yes.

- How angry?

- Very angry.

- Okay.

How do you feel?

- Better.

- Okay.

Okay, Mary.

Come to the front, please.

Let's begin.

Man, you got some sweet
little ass on you, cupcake.

- Shut the fuck up!

- I'd take a nice little bite
out of that sweet little ass,

cupcake.

(Mary grunting)

You okay?
- Yeah.

- That was great.

- It was.

He brought me up to the class.

And he's telling me, you
know, just go ahead and do

whatever you feel like doing.

I mean, it was just incredible.

I started punching
and swinging at him.

I mean, I never
knew it would feel

this good to hit somebody,

you know?

That's great.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- I did, I did!

And this teacher
is so fantastic.

He said I have a
really high RRQ.

- RRQ?

- Rage Release Quotient!

He said I have the
highest in the class.

Ha.

(trilling tongue)

99.3!

- Maybe I should
take that class.

Alex and Raina were at
that dinner tonight.

- Oh?

- He made a comment
about my tuxedo,

and I wanted to kill him.

I felt like such an idiot
standing there having them

seeing me working as a waiter.

- Come on, Joe.

It's what you do.

- It's not what I do.

- Okay, it's not what you do.

But it's how you pay the rent.

Huh?

And there's nothing
wrong with it.

I mean, everybody has to work.

- Well, I'm sick of this shit.

I feel like my
life's going nowhere.

- Joe, your life
is going somewhere.

I mean, you did this great
audition for Dee Dee Taylor.

She immediately got
you a job with pay.

Did you ever get
through to Madonna?

- No.

No, I've been calling all day.

It's the story of my life.

Nobody's home.

- Oh.

Come on, Joe.

You just, you just gotta
stick with it, you know?

I mean, you're a great actor.

I know you're going to make it.

- Do you really think so?

- I have no doubt.

- Okay.

I don't know what
I'd do without you.

- Me too, Joe.

You feel like fooling around?

- I don't know.

I'm not really in the mood.

- Come on, let's do it.

- I've got kind of
a big day tomorrow.

I don't want to go
in looking too tired.

- Come on.

We're not building
the pyramids here.

I won't wear you out.

I promise.

- Come on.

I'm serious.

Come on, stop!

- Jesus.

You don't have to get all pissy.

- I'm not getting all pissy.

I'm just not in the mood.

- Okay, fine.

- Men aren't machines
that you can turn off

and on by the flick
of a switch, you know?

- I get the point, Joe.

- Now you're angry?

- I'm not angry.

Just next time I'm not in
the mood, don't give me

any shit, okay?

(upbeat music)

- [Deanna] More champagne, Dirk?

- I'm leaving, Deanna.

- Oh, please.

Please, don't leave me.

I love you, Dirk.

I love you.

- That means nothing to me now.

- But you said you loved me.

- I don't love you, Deanna.

You're weak.

You're helpless.

And frankly, you bore me.

- Please, Dirk.

What do you want me to do?

- I want you to
get out of my life.

(dramatic music)

- [Man] Cut!

What's next, Cis?

- Scene 11-A, Deanna
attempts suicide again.

10 minutes.

- Whoa.

Forgive me, father.

- Hey, Bob.

Hold up there, wonder muffin.

Hey.

- What's up, Roy?

- Ratings are up another five.

- Well, you guys should
give me another raise.

Whoa!
- Ow.

- Actually, we've
got an entirely new
contract for you, Bob.

Five years exclusive
with Dirk Drake

having his own A
level story line,

20 minutes guaranteed
screen time per episode.

- Script approval?

- That's a tall order, Bob.

- When you're on your knees,
Roy, everything looks tall.

Remember that.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Dirk Drake.

- What a piece of
shit this script is.

I can't believe I spent three
years at the Royal Academy

just so I could spew
this fucking garbage!

- I'm a little busy, baby.

Do you mind?

- What are you doing?

- I'm working on my next scene.

- Oh, I see.

You're preparing
using Stanislavsky's

famous horoscope method.

(Kelly laughing)

And what's so funny?

- You.

- Oh, come on, muffin.

Take off your robe.

- No.

- What?

You defy me, Deanna?

- I'll see you tonight, baby.

- Oh, but I'm ready right now.

See?
- Yes, you are.

You hold on to that
little monster.

Not too tightly.

Remember what
happened last time.

- That was a
once-in-a-lifetime thing.

- I know it was, baby.

(door clicking)

(soft music)

- [Zee] Come on, man!

Get the hell on
the set, will you?

Yo, Nicky!

Nick, I got the beach boys.

We're ready.

Whenever you are, baby.

All right, guys.

Settle down.

- All right.

Get quiet on the set, please.

Thank you.

- [Zee] All right, beach boys.

Settle down and listen up!

- Hey, guys, here's
the shot, all right?

Now, Madonna is
going to come walking

up the center aisle, right?

As she passes you
and you see her,

you give a double-take, all
right, like, oh, Madonna.

- Whoa, Madonna.
- No, no, no.

No, I mean, don't
say that, but that's

what you're acting like, right?

Okay.

Now, first of all,
you guys on this side

got to angle this
way, all right?

- [Zee] Yeah, stand
over his way, fellas.

- You guys over here,
angle this way, all right?

- You want to angle
this way a little bit.

- Thank you.

Okay.

So she walks by,
and make it big.

Big double-take, all right?

Call rehearsal.

- Rehearsal!
- Okay, ready and action.

And row one.

Row two.

Row three.

And four.

And five.

And the top.

Yeah, great.

Great.

Guys in the top,
that was excellent.

- Good job, brothers.
- All right-

- Good job, bro!
- Good.

Thanks.

That's the way we're goingto
do it, exactly like that.

Only bigger.

- Hey, man, make sure
you get a shot of my ass.

I've been working
on it all week.

(all laughing)

- Actually, he's right.

Make sure all the
guys in the front row

have the right kind of, uh-

- What?

- The right kind of ass, right?

You know what I'm saying?

Can you take care of that?

- All right, beach boys.

Turn around!

(upbeat music)

- Bring the lights closer.
- Lights.

Romantic.

I want it very romantic.

Sahara, Sahara, let's go.

Let's go.

Where is she?

- I don't know where.

- Did she call?

Is anybody listening to me?

Did Sahara call?

- No.

- That's it.

I am angry.

I am very, very angry.

Kiki.

Kiki!

- Yes, yes.

- Darling, are you
afraid of dogs?

- No.

- Excellent.

Bring in the poodle!

- Poodle!
- There, there.

* Some things are dark

* Some things are red

* Light up that cigar, baby

* And use your imagination

(phone beeping)

(line ringing)

- [Bob] This is Bob Lattimer.

Leave a message.

- Hi, it's me.

Listen, I was thinking
about our fight.

And I know that you feel
bad, and I feel bad.

So I just wanted to
call and tell you that I

think we can work this out.

If I said anything to
upset you, I'm sorry.

Really, I apologize.

As the crab princess said
in "The Little Mermaid,"

I wuv you.

And I want to see you.

So please call me.

(phone beeping)

(Sahara sobbing)

- Come on.

I'm not waiting
any fucking longer.

Let's go.

Zee, help me out here, will you?

- Man, how you doing?

I'm ready.

- All right.

- [Zee] Stop playing house here!

I want quiet!

- Bring in Madonna!

- Madonna!

(horn blowing)

(crowd cheering)

- Hey, sweetheart.

- Hey, man.

Opie, get in the back.

Go to the back.

Come on, man.

You right there.

Come here.

- Stand in this spot.

- [Joe] Why do I have
to go in the back?

- Why?

- Yeah.

- Because your ass looks like
a back with a line in it.

Go to the back, or
get off the set.

Come on, man.

Move it.

Shit.

Questioning what I was doing.

- Let's go.

All right, we're
going to do this.

Don't forget to make it big.

Real but big.

All right, call it, Zee.

- All right, umbrellas!

Play back!

Roll those cameras!

(upbeat music)

- Louder, louder.

Up, up, come on!

Yeah!

Action!

(upbeat music)

* Some girls they like candy

* Others, they like gripe

* I'll settle for the
back of your hand *

* Somewhere on my behind

* Treat me like I'm a bad girl

* Even when I'm
being good to you *

* I don't want you to thank me

* You can just, whooo

* Some guys like to sweet talk

* And others, they
like to tease *

Okay, cut, cut, cut,
cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Come on!

(horn blowing)

All right, guys,
what the fuck, huh?

- That's a cut!
- What do I,

what, that was bigger?

You, you're so concerned
about your ass.

I'd be concerned about
your acting, all right?

Tell the guy in the blue Speedo,

get in the fucking
back right now.

(machine beeping)

- [Joe] Hey, Bob.

It's Joe.

I know you're probably
in bed shooting heroin

with some underwear model.

But if you want to have a beer
or something, give me a call.

(machine beeping)

- [Sahara] Hi, it's me.

Listen, I was thinking
about our fight.

And I know you feel
bad, and I feel bad.

- Hey.

Are we doing this or not?

- [Bob] You bet your
ass we're doing it.

- Are you sure?

Maybe you want to
read your mail next.

- (chuckling) Deanna, beware
the wrath of Dirk Drake.

Look out.

Here I come.

- [Nick] All right, now
what's with the crane, huh?

Zee, why isn't the
crane back to one?

- [Zee] Move the goddamn
crane back to one, all right?

- [Nick] All right, let's go.

- You know, Biff,
sometimes I just want to

rip my clothes off

in the middle of the
set, beat the fucking

shit out of that asshole
assistant director.

I mean, I can outbox, outrun,
and outkick his fucking ass.

And still I have to
take orders from all

these stupid sons of bitches!

I can't fucking
stand it no more.

Fuck!

(soft music)

Excuse me, Madonna?

Joe Finnegan.

You called me.

I tried calling you right
back, but there was no answer

at the number you left.

- (laughing) You really
thought I was her, didn't you?

- [Joe] Oh, my god.

You look just like her.

- I know, I know.

I've done her body work
for the last two videos.

- [Joe] Really?

- And what I really want
to do is get a contract

so I can be in all her videos,
and maybe even her movies,

especially now, since the baby.

- So where is she?

- She did all the
close-ups yesterday.

She's probably back
in LA and Miami.

You know, she spends
a lot of time there.

But you know her, right?

- And kick.

Kick.

And punch, and gouge.

And kick.

Okay, position alpha.

I want to show you now
what to do in the event

that you are
attacked from behind.

This is very important, okay?

Anyone want to volunteer?

Mary?

Okay, now get behind me.

Okay, now, I want
you to wrap your arms

around me as if you're going
to attack me from behind, okay?

Go ahead.

My hands are free, but it's
going to be hard to pull

these arms off, all right?

What's the next closest weapon?

Teeth, right?

But at the same time,
bring up that right leg,

and deliver a heel
smash to the instep.

So it's, ah, right?

That heel smash will open up
this leg, okay, and creating

the space here in
which I will deliver

an elbow to the stomach, okay?

Now, why don't you assume
that position, okay?

Now, I'm going to grab you here.

Now, give me the bite.

Okay.

And then the heel smash.

Okay.

That's going to open
me up a little bit.

And you're going
to give me that,

very good.

Okay, try it again.

Okay.

All right.

- It's exciting.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's, that's great.

Yeah.
- Excuse me.

- Very good.
- Thanks a lot.

- Very good.

- All right, I'll talk to you.

- Yeah, but what
about AIDS, man?

AIDS was created in a laboratory

by White Jewish scientists.

It was a conspiracy
with the FBI,

basically, to annihilate the
power of the Black nation.

This is going to blow your mind.

You know the Holocaust?

Never happened.

- Oh, man.

- What about all the
stories and the pictures?

- That shit is fake.

About as real as your hair.

Come on, look at this shit.

I read a book, page
after page of proof

that said that the Jews
made the whole Holocaust up.

Shit never happened.

- Hey, you know, I think
I read that same book.

You remember the part
about slavery in America?

- What part is that?

- Where the guy proves that
all the African-Americans

who came here in the 1600s
actually wanted to come.

In fact, most of them
paid their own way.

- What the fuck are
you talking about, man?

- No, it's true.

They heard there were lots of
jobs over here picking cotton,

which they figured would
lead to better jobs,

as muggers and crackheads,
so they just all

came rushing over here.

Can you believe it?

Slavery never existed.

(percussive music)

- And this shit is not
even a little bit funny.

- Well, it's at least
as funny as what

you said about the
Holocaust, don't you think?

- How's this for
funny, beach boy?

Why don't you get your
pail and get out of here?

You're fucking fired.

(Joe chuckling)

All right, everyone,
back to work.

I want silence.

Don't play with me today, guys.

Just bear with me.

- Just give me a minute.

I told you it was the rubber!

- The rubber's off now.

- Damn right the rubber's off.

- Well?

- Hold on.

What do you think
I am, a machine?

Hey, what are you doing?

Come on, Kelly.

Get back here.

Get back in the bed.

- Listen, baby, I know these
things happen sometimes.

But I got to know.

Can you do this or not?

Because if you can't, I
gotta get on the phone,

make some calls, and
find somebody who can.

(soft music)

Oh, what's the matter, baby?

I hurt you feelings?

- Actually, Kelly, you
did hurt my feelings.

Christ.

I mean, I like you, right?

You're making me
feel like I'm just

a stiff piece of meat to you.

- Mm.

Well, not so stiff,
really, right?

- Just get the hell out of here.

You think I want to do this
now after what you just said?

- You can't do it.

- Get on the bed.

- No!

(both grunting)

See you on set, Dirk.

(Bob grunting)

- So anybody need a ride?

I'm heading downtown.

- No thanks.

- Where are you going, Mary?

- I'm actually,
I'm going downtown.

- Great.

- Anybody else need
a ride downtown?

- Okay.

It's a big car, ladies.

No takers?

(upbeat music)

Bye.

(car alarm chirping)

There you go.

- Oh, thank you.

- God damn it.

Mary?

Mary?

Where is she?

- You know, Mary, I got
to say, of all the women

who have passed through
my classes over the years,

you're by far the most
courageous and committed.

- Thanks, Doug.

You're, uh, you're
a great teacher.

And everybody says so.

- Well, yes and no.

I mean, you know, I mean a
teacher can only do so much.

What does your boyfriend do?

(upbeat music)

- Oh, my god!

Jesus Christ.

- I'm leaving, Deanna.

- Oh, please.

Please don't leave me.

I love you, Dirk.

I love you.

- [Dirk] That means
nothing to me now.

- You said you loved me.

- I don't love you, Deanna.

You're weak.

You're helpless.

And frankly, you're boring.

- Oh, please Dirk.

What do you want me to do?

- I want you to
get out of my life.

- Well, what's she
gonna do now, huh?

Try suicide again?

Hmm.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

- Look at Bob on the TV.

Wow, it is Bob.

Look at that.

- How long have you
guys been together?

- Six years.

- Jump back.

Wow.

Like a real married couple here.

Wow.

- Ah, no.

I don't think either one of us

is very interested in marriage.

- You know something?

Your boyfriend is a
very, very lucky guy.

- Thank you.

(car horn honking)

- [Doug] Mary.

Wait, Mary.

- Baby, what's the matter?

- Can I come in?

- Of course.

Of course.

Um, what, what's going on?

What, what is it?

- I've been thinking a lot.

I feel it's important
to tell you.

(dramatic music)

- Tell, tell me what?

- Look, I know I've been-

- No, Bob.

No, you haven't.

- Yes, I have.

I have, all right.

And I feel,

I feel-

- What?

What do you feel?

What, baby?

- Oh.

Ohh.

Ohh.

- Oh, it's okay.

- Did they pay you?
- No.

But for me, it was worth it.

- Oh, that's great, Joe.

That's great.

You get your first
paying acting job ever,

and you blow it all by
making some stupid comment.

That sounds worth it.

- I don't want to
sound funny, Mary.

But a lecture is the last
thing that I need right now.

- Hey, Joe.

Do you think just once,
you could lift the toilet

seat when you take a leak?

- What do you mean, just once?

I always lift it.

- You never do it.

Come here, look at this.

There's piss all over the seat.

- There is not.
- Come look.

- I'm not going to go in
there and look at a drop

of piss on a toilet seat.

- You admit it.
- I do not.

Would you get off my case?

What's the matter with you?

- I'm not on your case.

You're just in a
bad mood because you

know you did something stupid.

- What?

You're going to bed?

- Well, it appears that way.

Why?

Is there something on your mind?

- Well, it just struck
me that we haven't

made love for over a month.

- Well, it's not my fault.

- Well, it's not my fault.

- Joe, you have been
very depressed lately.

- [Joe] No, I haven't.

- You just told me yesterday
you felt like your life

was going nowhere.

- So?

I can feel that way
and not be depressed.

- Well, it's very hard on
me dealing with your moods

all the time.

- Well, it's very hard
on me having to wear

the rubber all the time.

- It's not all the time.

- It certainly seems like it.

- Fine.

We won't use it.

I'll just get pregnant.

Is that what you want?

- Why is it that
every time I say

I don't want to use a
rubber, you accuse me

of wanting to get you pregnant?

- You said you wanted
to have a baby.

- Not right now.

- When?

- Look, let's just stop
this discussion right now.

I'm in a bad mood.

You're in a bad mood.

We're stopping.

I've stopped.

- You make some money,

and maybe we'll talk
about having a kid.

- Why does it always have to
come down to money with you?

- Because you don't have any.

And let's face it, Joe.

I know you're trying
to make it as an actor.

But you work as a waiter.

You still don't
even have an agent.

- I know I don't have an agent.

You think I don't know that?

- Don't yell at me.

- Well, don't talk to me
like I'm a fucking idiot!

You think I like being
broke all the time?

You think I like wearing
that cheap tuxedo,

serving up salmon and
greasy cheesy sauce?

You think I like kissing
Dee Dee Taylor's ass

so she can get me a job standing
around in my bathing suit,

which you bought?

How do you think that
makes me feel, huh?

- Joe, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

Okay?

Come here.

- No.

- I know how hard
it is on you, Joe.

But it's hard on me too.

I feel like everything's
on my shoulders.

I feel like I'm all alone.

- I know.

I've got to ask
Ernst for more work.

That's all there is to it.

I've got to find some way
to make some more money.

- Joe, come here.

Joe, I love you whether you
have money or not, okay?

I don't want to argue with you.

I came home tonight, and I
really wanted to see you.

- You go out and have
a drink after class?

- No, class went a
little later tonight.

And I hopped in a
cab and came home.

- You took a cab?

- Yeah, I just
wanted to get home.

- That makes sense.

(upbeat music)

Hey, Mary, look at this.

Look at this woman's underwear.

See how it's all sleek and
lacy, how it accentuates

every part of her
body and presents it

like a beautiful piece of candy?

What's the matter?

- Nothing.

I'm just listening.

- Well, you got a funny
look on your face.

- Joe, I'm just waiting
for you to make your point.

- Well, my point
is, compare that

to men's underwear,
which is white,

cotton, shapeless,
essentially a diaper.

What do you think that's saying?

- All men are babies?

- I'm trying to be
serious here, Mary.

I think this is an
important statement

about the relationship
between men and women.

- Good.

I think you should
write a book about it.

And then maybe you
can tour the country

lecturing the lingerie stores.

- Thanks a lot, Mary.

That's very funny.

- I still need the rent.

- I'm picking my check
up from Ernst today.

- I might be a little
bit late tonight

because I've got an audition.

- For what?
- Some movie.

Dee Dee Taylor called me in.

- Well, good luck.

- So I guess we're
still fighting, huh?

- I'm not fighting.

- What?

No kiss goodbye?

(door slamming)

(dramatic music)

- I had an abortion.

- So what?

- Dirk, how could
you be so cruel?

- I'm not cruel, Deanna.

I'm honest. (sighing)

And I know exactly what you are.

- I want to go.

- No, you don't.

- I want-
- You want me.

That's what you want.

- [Carl] Cut, cut, cut!

Bob, it's all about energy, man.

When you grab her, I
need to see energy.

- What the fuck do you mean?

- [Carl] Cis, be so kind

as to tell him what
the fuck I mean.

- Louder, Carl?

Is that what you're saying?

- God fucking dammit.

I'm coming down.

God damn it!

This is what I'm talking about.

You grab her, like this.

Ha!

She feels it.

You feel it.

She's turned on.

She's like a hunted animal.

Suddenly, you pull
her to you like this.

(blouse ripping)

Oh, I like that.

Rip her blouse.

- [Man] Wardrobe.

- Let her know that it's sex
right now, whether she wants it

or not.

Okay, Shakespeare?

Go nuts.

(buzzer buzzing)

And action.

- I had an erection.

(all laughing)

I mean abortion.

Abortion.

- All right, all right.

Come on, Bob.

I said action.

(dramatic music)

Action!

What the fuck is wrong with him?

Oh, bloody Christ.

(buzzer buzzing)

- Bob, Bob.

- I'm off the show, all right?

No contract, no nothing.

Party's over.

That's it.

- Bob, Bob.

Bob, you're making way
too much out of this, man.

You just got a little jammed up.

That's all.

It happens to everybody.

- No.

We've got a big,
big problem here.

And I can tell you
exactly where it is.

- All right, it's Carl, right?

You want a new director?

- No, it is Dirk and Deanna.

Their story is stalled.

They keep going
in circles, saying

the same things over and over.

They're not real.

There's no movement,
no development.

- All right, okay.

You want development?

No problem.

Here we go.

Okay.

They are, they get married.

Right?

So we do the whole ceremony
and the wedding night.

Hot tub, baby oil.

You with me?

See?

You want development,
you got it.

- You see, I'd go in exactly
the opposite direction.

Think about this, Roy.

The next time Deanna
attempts suicide, it works.

(Roy laughing)

- That would be funny.

Christ, she talks
about it enough.

- Every single episode.

- She kills herself?

- She kills herself.

She kills herself.

- God, I can't believe
how simple that was.

(Roy laughing)

Hey.

Hey, good idea, Roy.

Thanks for thinking about it.

I mean it.

(dramatic music)

- Kelly.

- All right, what is
the, uh, meter reading?

- Meter's at 11.

- Yeah.

And the, uh, face.

I want the faces
to look all right.

- Oh, I know.

I can feel it.

- Can you?

- Yes, I really can.

- Mary, it was telling me
to just get away and spend

some quality time with me.

- Oh, your favorite person.

- Yeah.

(both laughing)

- With myself.

Yes, yes, yes.

I told you that I'm a
very spiritual person.

- Mm-hmm.

- Today my horoscope said,
"You will look within.

And that which was
lost will be regained."

- Oh.

- I've regained something, Mary.

Someone.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- That guy you went
rollerblading with?

- What?

- You know, who hit
you with his elbow?

- Oh, oh.

Oh, that was an accident.

Besides, love is
never perfect, Mary.

I've learned that.

And I'm a much happier person.

- Sahara, darling, I need
you out here immediately.

Let me see these.

Who are you going to put there?

Will everyone please be quiet!

I want absolute quiet
in this room right now.

This is not a game.

We are not playing here.

I'm sorry to be yelling,
but I am very angry.

Not at you, my darlings.

You are magnificent,
both of you.

All right, let's shoot.

All right.

Yes, yes.

Love.

(soft music)

(camera shutter clicking)

Sensual.

Good, Rubio.

Almost there.

And the stomach, stomach.

Give me those nice,
tight chunky abs.

That's it.

That's it.

Good.

All right.

Eternity.

Oh.

Eternal love.

Hold on.

Keep going.

Give me more.

Give me abs, chunky abs.

Tighter, tighter.

Tighter.

(Rubio farting)
(all gasping)

- Oh, dios.
- Rubio, what's the matter?

Come on-

- What is it?

What happened?

What's the matter?

(Rubio speaking
foreign language)

- He is deeply, deeply ashamed.

He has never, ever
released the gas

in front of a woman before.

- Rubio.

Rubio, it's okay.

It's okay.

I don't mind.

Come here, baby.

Come here.

I don't mind.

Oh, Rubio.

I love you.

Rubio, no care.

No care.

Do you understand no care?

No care.

No care.

Oh.

- Clear.

(soft music)

(camera shutter clicking)

- Mr. Bob.

Clean, press, hang, no box.

- Ah, you're the best, Chang.

- I know it.
- Yeah.

I've got something for you.

- Oh, no.

- My old tuxedo.
- Mr. Bob.

- Come on.

I told you I was going
to give it to you.

Just take it, will you?

- Will you sign?

- What?
- Your name.

Sign your name here.

- Chang, I'm not going
to sign a fucking tuxedo.

- Oh, yes, Mr. Bob.

You will sign.

Souvenir, remember?

(both laughing)

- Hey, Bob!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Look at you!

Look at that!

Look at all this money.

- How are you, man?

- Oh, great.

Hey, did you get
my message, man?

You haven't fucking
called me, you bastard.

- I was going to call you.

But I've been so busy
with this god damn soap.

- Oh, yeah.

It's going pretty well, huh?

- I can't complain.

Yeah.

Just signed a five-year
contract today.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

- Five years!

- What about you?

Still doing the catering?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm picking
up my tux right now.

And, uh, check it out.

- What's that?
- I did a Madonna video.

Yeah.

She called me at home.

I tried to call her
back, but I haven't been

able to get through, you know?

(Bob laughing)

What?

What, you don't believe me?

Come over to my house.

Come over right now.

Come on, let's go
over to my house.

I'll play the message for you.

I saved the tape.

Come on.

I'll play it for you.
- Hey.

That was this, that
was this chick I know.

She does a great
Madonna imitation.

I said, hey, call my buddy, Joe.

Say you're Madonna.

Leave a fake number.

I didn't think she
was going to do it.

- That was you?

- Yeah.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I thought you'd get
a kick out of it.

I mean that.

I'm really sorry.

- No.

- We should get
together sometime.

- Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

Come on, let's get together.

- All right, I'll
give you a call.

- Hey, you look good, man.
- Hey, likewise.

(upbeat music)

Hey, I might be getting married.

- Have you been back
to class since then?

- Well, yeah.

But I can barely look at him.

I'm still so furious.

- Mary, I'm wondering
if this enormous anger

you have toward Doug is
not somewhat misplaced.

- What do you mean?

- Well, should he be so harshly
condemned simply for finding

you sexually desirable?

- Well, should I be grateful
to him for wanting to kiss me?

Is that what you're saying?

- Mary, I know this is a
sensitive subject for you.

But please try to
remember, I'm on your side.

I believe that you do
indeed have some difficulty

in accepting yourself
as a beautiful, sexually

desirable young woman.

- Dr. Leuter, would you
please stop saying that?

- [Dr. Leuter] Why?

- Well, honestly, it's
just a little weird

hearing it from my therapist.

That's all.

- Yes, I am your
therapist, Mary.

But I am also a man.

And I would be lying
to you if I said that I

didn't have impulses as both.

Do you think my lying to
you would be beneficial?

- No.

- In truth, I have entertained
sexual thoughts about you

many times during our meetings.

- Dr. Leuter-

- Let me finish, please.

- Okay.

- In fact, just a moment
ago while you were speaking,

and while I was utterly and
professionally engaged in what

you were saying, part
of me was imagining

what your breasts would
feel like naked in my hands.

- I think I'd better leave.

- Mary-
- No.

- Sit down, please.

Mary, please.

It is imperative that
you confront this issue.

Mary.

(door slamming)

Mary.

(car horn honking)

- What, you got friends
all over the fucking place?

- [Lisa] Yes, I have
friends, as a matter of fact.

I am not your fucking dog!

(Lisa gasping)

- Hey!
- Oh, my god.

- Look, I'm not going to
fucking tell you again.

- Hey!
- See what you made me do?

- Take it easy.
- Listen to me.

- You don't have to hit her.
- Who the fuck,

shut the fuck up, asshole!

- [Lisa] Hey!

Will you just stop?
- I'm an asshole, huh?

You're the asshole, pal.

- Yeah, I'm an asshole?
- Oh, my god.

- Want to get shot,
motherfucker, huh?

Huh, fuck face, you
want to get shot?

- [Joe] Go ahead, shoot me.

- [Man] What, are you fucking
brave now motherfucker?

- Go ahead.

Go ahead, do it.

You want me to
fucking shoot you?

- Go ahead.

Shoot the whole fucking world.

We don't care.

Go ahead.

- [Man] Lisa!

Come on, baby.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Excuse me, Ernst.

- What is it?

- You're probably going
to want to fire me.

But somehow, I lost my bow tie.

- Jesus.

And Mary, Joseph, and Moses.

- I've looked everywhere for it.

It must've fallen out of my bag.

Well, I know you're
really short tonight.

And I feel terrible.

- Come here, Joe.

This is called a four-in-hand.

Do you know how to tie it?

- No, sir.

Mine was a clip-on.

- Are you on for
the lunch tomorrow?

- No, I wasn't told.

- Put it in your book.

- Thank you, Ernst.

I'll make sure I
have my own tie.

- Keep this one.

Looks better on you.

- And hit.

(all grunting)

And hit.

(all grunting)

Okay.

Um, we've got about
a minute left.

Chantal, why don't you
come up to the front?

- Doug, could someone else go?

I don't feel that good today.

- Oh, Chantal, I
mean, your RRQ is

one of the lowest in the class.

I really feel right
now if we go for it,

we can possibly bring
you up 25 points.

What do you say?

Come on.

- Okay.

- Now, just relax.

Come on, big mama.

I got something for you
right here, big mama.

It's all yours, big mama.

Come on, come on.

(Chantal sobbing)

Okay, okay, okay.

That's enough.

You all right?

- Mm.
- It's okay.

Class, remember, tears are an
entirely appropriate response,

okay?

Mary, why don't you come up?

How have you been?

- Good.

- You seem a little
upset about something.

You okay?

- Never better.

- Okay.

So why don't you
turn around some

of that sweet little
cupcake ass of yours?

Come on.

(Mary grunting)

- One, two, three, four!

Oh!

(both grunting)

And a knee to the groin!

(Doug groaning)

(upbeat jazz music)

- [All] Yay!

(all cheering)
(all clapping)

- Whooo!

- [All] Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary!

- I had an abortion.
- So what?

- [Deanna] Dirk, how
can you be so cruel?

- I'm not cruel, Deanna.

I'm honest.

And here.

I brought you something.

(dramatic music)

- [Deanna] I love you, Dirk.

(gun firing)

- Oh, my god.

She finally did it.

(upbeat music)

- Shit.

Hi.

Joe Finnegan.

I have a 7:45.

- They just took
the eight o'clock.

- Sorry.

- You're going to have to wait.

(upbeat music)

(distant shouting)

- Joe?

Joe?

Joe?

(machine beeping)

- [Sahara] Hi, Mary.

It's Sahara.

You're not going
to believe this,

but I think I'm getting married.

I know it's crazy.

But I'm in love.

Give me a call.

Okay, bye.

- [Joe] Joe and
Mary, quite contrary.

Some might call
them adversaries.

Nonetheless, I must confess
she's the one I love the best.

I'll see you tonight.

(machine beeping)

- Thanks, man.

Great script.

Really good.

- [Man] We'll talk
to you, all right?

- Bye, Dee Dee.

Big kiss, big one.

- Mwah.
- See ya, Larry.

- See you later.

- Great to see you, Lawrence.

- Next, please.
- Finnegan.

- Oh, dammit, I've
got one more here.

- Who's this guy, anyway?
- Ah, he's Joe Finnegan.

I told you I thought
you should see him.

- I'd like two white
wines and a Bloody Mary.

(man laughing)

- Frankly, pal, so would I.

- Joe, why are you
wearing a tuxedo?

- Sorry, Miss Taylor.

I just got off work.

I didn't have time to change.

- Joe, most of these
parts are already cast.

But since you are the last one,

we are going to let you read
the Nick and Shelley scene.

Now, that is Tina.

She's going to be
reading with you.

- Hey.

I know you.

The Madonna video?

Don't you remember?

You thought I
really was Madonna?

- Oh, my god.

You look completely different.

You changed your hair.

- [Tina] Yeah, I'm, I'm
back to my real color.

- Okay.

Okay.

It's fairly simple.

You are a serial killer.

- A very sexy serial killer.

- She thinks that you love
killing more than you love her.

So she grabs the
gun that you have

just used to kill her
father, and mother,

and sister, and brother.

- I, I still,

I really don't
think the brother.

It's too much.

- No, you need the brother.

He's symbolic.

- Would you two please
just mind saving this?

I will make this decision.

- All right.
- All right?

Anytime you're ready.

- I love you, Shelley.

Give me the gun.

- No.

- Give it to me.

- You don't love me.

- I do.

- Tell me one thing
that you love about me.

Tell me.

- I love your hair.

I love your breath.

Your skin, your eyes.

I love your smile, your touch.

I love the way you fall asleep
at night, holding my finger.

Please.

Please.

Give me the gun.

- Changed some of
the lines there, Joe.

- I'm sorry.

I got a little lost.

Thanks.

- No, no, no, no,
wait, wait, wait.

(man whispering)

- I'll just ask, of course.

- Well, find out.
- Uh, Joe,

we'd like to see a,

something else now.

Something, um, a
little different tone.

- Right now?

- Anything you want, Joe.

Um, we just want to get some
idea of, uh, your range.

- Do you have anything, Joe?

(Joe exhaling)

- You know, Biff.

Sometimes I just want
to rip my clothes off

in the middle of
that store and outbox

that goddamn
merchandise manager.

(dramatic music)

I mean, I can outbox,
outrun, and outlift

anybody in that store.

And still, I have to take orders

from those common, petty sons

of bitches till I
can't stand it anymore.

See, Biff, everybody
around me is so false.

I'm constantly
lowering my ideals.

- Oh, my god.

(all clapping)

Ah, you see?

Told you my instincts
were never wrong.

That was very good, Joe.

Very, very good.

Bravo!

(upbeat music)

- Hey, I just got
a part in a movie.

I still can't believe it.

My first part in a movie.

- They all loved you, Joe.

You were so great.

- I was great?

Well, you know, you were great.

I mean, I don't know why
you're not acting in it.

- No, I'm not an actress, Joe.

I know that now.

- What about standing
in for Madonna?

- Blonde, black, back to blonde.

My hair couldn't
take it anymore.

- I think your hair
looks great this way.

Yeah.

I think it looks great.

- I wanted to do that all night.

- Hey, I just got
a part in a movie.

- That's incredible.

- A friend of mine told
me about this place.

You see all these waitresses?

They're all models, all of them.

High-class models.

- You're so sexy, Joe.

I want you right now.

- Tina, I want you too.

- When you said those
things you loved about me,

it felt like you really
meant it, like, you

were really talking to me.

- Oh, this is crazy.
- I know.

- Sorry.
- Let's go back to my place.

- No.

Boy, I'd really like to.

But-
- I like you too, Joe.

- No, no, I mean, I got to go.

- You gotta go?
- I'm sorry, Tina.

I, you going to be all right?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to be all right.

It's good to see you again, Joe.

- You too, Tina.

(upbeat music)

Mary.

- Joe.
- I got the part.

- Did you?
- A part in a film.

And there's money.

- Joe, Joe, that's fantastic.

Joe.

Joe.

Joe, do I have a sexual problem?

- Are you crazy?

- Dr. Leuter said I
had a sexual problem

because I didn't want to
hear his fantasies about me.

- What fantasies?

- He said he was a man and
wondered what my breasts would

feel like naked in his hands.

- Well, I'm a man.

And he's going to
wonder what my fist

feels like naked in his face.

- Joe, you don't think
I have a sexual problem?

- Hell, no.

- But even you said
I wasn't spontaneous.

- Well, did I?

Oh, come on, Mary.

I meant both of us.

- You're still attracted to me?

- Of course I am.

- We haven't made love
in over two months.

- I know that.

Are you kidding?

I'm very aware of that.

Maybe you're not
attracted to me.

- How can you say that?

- Maybe you're attracted to
guys like your self-defense

teacher and his big fancy BMW.

- Joe, I am very
attracted to you.

(soft music)

- I'm very, very, very
attracted to you, Mary.

- I am very, very, very
attracted to you, Joe.

(upbeat music)

(shirt ripping)

(Joe grunting)

(bulb shattering)

What are you doing?

Oh, God.

(both moaning)

Jesus Christ.

Joe, you were incredible.

- Me?

What about you?

You little rabbit.

You little sex rabbit.

- Carrot boy.

(Joe exhaling)

- Wow.

- Hey, how did you know
my teacher had a BMW?

- Does he?

- Yeah.

- Lucky guess.

Sorry about the rubber.

You think we'll be okay?

- I don't know.

Hope so.

(soft music)

- Good morning.

How do you like your eggs, baby?

- Over easy.
- All righty.

Over easy it is.

Everything is going to
be easy from here on out.

And you know what I've
decided for the wedding?

I go back to my real color.

Brunette again.

I haven't been a
brunette in years.

I don't know how long.

That's the real me anyway.

And who more would you
want than the real me?

Nothing more than
just absolutely me.

I feel so comfortable with you.

I'm so excited about this.

(soft music)

- Buddy.

(soft music)
(singer vocalizing)

(upbeat jazz music)