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1
00:00:02,700 --> 00:00:05,260
'Norman Stanley Fletcher,
2
00:00:05,260 --> 00:00:12,140
'you have pleaded guilty and
it is now my duty to pass sentence.
3
00:00:14,940 --> 00:00:20,480
'You are a criminal who accepts
arrest as an occupational hazard,
4
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:25,340
'and presumably accepts imprisonment
in the same casual manner.
5
00:00:25,340 --> 00:00:32,260
'We therefore commit you
to the maximum term
allowed for these offences.
6
00:00:32,260 --> 00:00:35,900
'You will go to prison
for five years.'
7
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:42,260
# 'David Hamilton!
The happy sound of Radio One! #
8
00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:49,860
'Here's a request from Bridget
in Dundee for Ricky, who has blue
eyes and looks like David Essex!
9
00:00:49,860 --> 00:00:52,460
'Bridget is 16,
10
00:00:52,460 --> 00:00:57,500
'works in a cake factory, and
her job is to spot flawed almonds.
11
00:00:57,500 --> 00:01:02,540
'She met Ricky briefly at a dance
last summer on the Ayrshire coast.
12
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:06,320
'All she knows is that
he's from Glasgow...'
13
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:10,320
..And his hobby is beating up
lavatory attendants!
14
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:14,380
I'm listening to that!
And I'M not! Sentimental slush!
15
00:01:14,380 --> 00:01:18,220
I have to listen
to Friday Night Is Music Night!
16
00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:23,260
And I sit through Rosko! But
I draw the line at David Hamilton!
17
00:01:23,260 --> 00:01:26,540
The wireless is never off
in this nick.
18
00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:30,540
They're piping Tony Blackburn
into the kitchens.
19
00:01:30,540 --> 00:01:34,960
Yes, they believe we're in prison
to be punished.
20
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:42,300
Anyway, I wanted to hear
the request slot - "Hello,
Young Lovers" corner. Oh, yeah?
21
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:46,820
I sent a request in for Denise.
Denise? My fiancee.
22
00:01:46,820 --> 00:01:49,300
Oh, that Denise.
23
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:55,820
I wanted to express
my feelings of undying love.
I asked for "Everlasting Love".
24
00:01:55,820 --> 00:01:59,740
You should have asked
for "My Ding-A-Ling" (!)
25
00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:07,500
I've listened all week and it ain't
been on. You'd think MY needs were
greater than some almond sorter's.
26
00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:10,100
Did you write on prison notepaper?
27
00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:15,340
Yeah, you had my last sheet
of Basildon Bond. That's it then.
28
00:02:15,340 --> 00:02:18,140
Are they biased against prisoners?!
29
00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:23,180
Not officially, but I can't recall
hearing a prisoner's request.
30
00:02:23,180 --> 00:02:28,460
Forces, yes, and ack-ack batteries,
but never no-one from no nick, no.
31
00:02:28,460 --> 00:02:33,160
We have a bad enough time
without having requests denied!
32
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:37,700
That's discrimination!
AND five stamps up the spout.
33
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:43,740
You can see their point of view.
The public are bound
to take offence.
34
00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:51,620
You're all listening to "Family
Favourites", and they read a
postcard with a Parkhurst postmark!
35
00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:55,660
"Can 'Mad Dog' Hollister
have Clair de Lune?"
36
00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:59,660
Clair de Lune?
37
00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:04,420
Yes, that's French for
"by the light of the silvery moon".
38
00:03:04,420 --> 00:03:11,700
I thought it might be
a cultural conversation. Hey,
maybe you can tell us the ruling.
39
00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:16,220
Ruling, Godber?
Yeah, Miss Lonely Loins here...
40
00:03:16,220 --> 00:03:21,340
..wants to know whether the BBC
ever play prisoners' requests.
41
00:03:21,340 --> 00:03:28,300
No. The answer to that is no -
it could cause embarrassment.
Embarrassment?
42
00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:32,800
The prisoner's family might
have excused his absence
43
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:37,620
by saying that he was abroad,
or working on an oil-rig.
44
00:03:37,620 --> 00:03:45,580
Oh, I see. No doubt your wife,
Fletcher, has told your friends
you are on a five-year safari (!)
45
00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:52,940
No, she just says I'm doing
missionary work in Scotland.
46
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,140
The practice was also open to abuse.
47
00:03:58,140 --> 00:04:04,900
There was nothing to stop prisoners
sending messages in code
across our airwaves.
48
00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:07,940
Oh, yeah. That is a point, innit?
49
00:04:07,940 --> 00:04:14,700
Some heart-warming
Christmas message from an old lag
to his wife and family, eh?
50
00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:19,460
"Can we have Harry Secombe
singing The Impossible Dream?"
51
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:26,500
He really meant, "Be outside E-wing
with a ladder on Boxing Day...
and a mince pie."
52
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:33,420
Good idea.
It's an abuse of privilege, which
is why I'm here. Not a social call?
53
00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:39,460
Six soft toilet rolls
have disappeared
from the Governor's closet -
54
00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:41,980
his personal water-closet.
55
00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:45,420
Would you Adam and Eve it?
Whatever next?
56
00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:48,100
Knowing you, probably the seat.
57
00:04:50,060 --> 00:04:53,500
Don't look at ME, sir.
58
00:04:56,000 --> 00:05:03,920
Nor me. It's writing-paper I'M
short of. It's not right. We've had
to give him prison-issue tissue.
59
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,560
That's rough (!)
60
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,780
Rough, yeah!
61
00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:11,280
I'll say it is.
62
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,100
That'll wipe the smile off his face!
63
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:21,100
Fortune has given you two
privileged positions here.
64
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:27,500
Don't jeopardise them
by any infraction of the rules.
I'll say no more.
65
00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:34,380
Thank you. Thanks for the advice.
To which we'll pay great heed.
66
00:05:34,380 --> 00:05:38,100
Now naff off.
Certainly! Certainly!
67
00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:44,020
He's always picking on us. It's his
suspicious mind, the nosey nerk.
68
00:05:44,020 --> 00:05:47,660
Care for a glass of toilet roll?
69
00:05:47,660 --> 00:05:51,700
You've got one!
Yeah. I did have six.
70
00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:59,780
Where's the other five? I traded
them. Who to? There are still a few
felons with a bit of refinement.
71
00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:04,180
There are two embezzlers
on the bottom landing.
72
00:06:04,180 --> 00:06:11,700
There's an unfrocked dentist
and a lot of white-collar felons
who'd jump at this sort of stuff.
73
00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:15,540
What do you get?
I'm owed some nice merchandise.
74
00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:20,700
I'm promised a cricket sweater,
a pair of Hush Puppies
75
00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:23,740
and a box of after-dinner mints.
76
00:06:23,740 --> 00:06:26,540
Hey... What? Share and share alike!
77
00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:30,060
What? It's a rule of the house,
isn't it?
78
00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:33,420
Share my toilet roll?
It's only fair.
79
00:06:33,420 --> 00:06:38,580
Share my toilet roll, Godber?!
Look at all these socks I've darned!
80
00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:42,660
All right.
81
00:06:50,380 --> 00:06:53,220
Mind how you go!
82
00:07:00,660 --> 00:07:03,660
Hello, Dad! Hello, Ingrid, love.
83
00:07:03,660 --> 00:07:08,480
Hey, Fletch, this is me mum.
Pleased to meet you, Mr Fletcher.
84
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:12,900
The pleasure's mine.
This is my eldest, Ingrid.
85
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:16,860
Sit down, Fletcher! And you, Godber!
86
00:07:16,860 --> 00:07:20,340
This isn't a royal garden party,
you know!
87
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,980
Who's he? That's Mr Mackay.
88
00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:28,680
Charmless Celtic nerk!
Who's the boy?
89
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:33,180
Eh? Oh, that's Lennie Godber -
my temporary cell-mate.
90
00:07:33,180 --> 00:07:37,400
He's from Birmingham,
but he has got O-level geography.
91
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,580
You need it
to get around Birmingham.
92
00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:42,980
How's your mother?
93
00:07:42,980 --> 00:07:47,260
Oh, she's fine. She sends her love.
Oh, good.
94
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,140
How's your sister?
95
00:07:51,140 --> 00:07:53,780
Marion's fine. She's got a new job!
96
00:07:53,780 --> 00:08:01,040
Can't she keep a job
for more than three weeks?
The bosses molest her, she alleges.
97
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:06,580
She flaunts herself, don't she?
Skirts right up to her expectations.
98
00:08:07,980 --> 00:08:10,620
Where is she now? Timothy Whites.
99
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:15,500
They won't molest her there -
they're all qualified pharmacists.
100
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:21,180
Her flat fell through. What flat?
The one she shared with six people.
101
00:08:21,180 --> 00:08:24,940
Six! Fell through the floor,
I should think!
102
00:08:24,940 --> 00:08:28,960
No, the rent went up,
so she's home, pro tem.
103
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:33,860
How's young Raymond? Fine! He won
the mile in the school sports.
104
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:36,260
Did he? Ah.
105
00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:38,900
If I had, I might not be here now.
106
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:43,940
He swims for the school and he's
the stage manager in the school play.
107
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:51,240
Why isn't he in it? He played
Yum-Yum in the Mikado last year.
His voice has gone. Oh.
108
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,500
Well, he's on 30 a day. He's what?!
109
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:58,460
He's only 14!
30 a day! That's terrible!
110
00:08:58,460 --> 00:09:01,580
That's a dreadful waste of money.
111
00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:07,500
He saves the coupons!
That's OK then (!)
He wants an aqualung.
112
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:10,240
He'll need one if he has 30 a day!
113
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,780
He wants to go skin-diving
in St Ives.
114
00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:18,820
It's all extra-curricular. Don't he
fancy anything INSIDE the classroom?
115
00:09:18,820 --> 00:09:21,500
Mostly the girls, Dad!
116
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:26,140
'Ere, I don't want him getting
no girl into trouble!
117
00:09:26,140 --> 00:09:29,660
Well, if YOU hadn't,
I wouldn't be here!
118
00:09:29,660 --> 00:09:33,700
We don't want any coarse remarks
of that nature!
119
00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:37,980
I can't believe my ears
when I hear kids today!
120
00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:45,340
There's nothing wrong! You and Mum
have proved your love wasn't
an infatuation... Silver wedding!
121
00:09:45,340 --> 00:09:50,940
I still don't want my love-life to
be a yardstick! Raymond's only 14!
122
00:09:50,940 --> 00:09:58,340
When what happened
happened to your mother and me,
we were mature 16-year-olds.
123
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,620
In Highgate Cemetery, it was.
124
00:10:03,620 --> 00:10:06,900
But WE had something behind us.
125
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,140
The tomb of Karl Marx.
126
00:10:12,140 --> 00:10:16,660
No, but your mum had
a nice, steady job in Gamages,
127
00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:20,340
and I had my plastering diploma
from borstal.
128
00:10:20,340 --> 00:10:27,780
Talking of Highgate Cemetery, how's
YOUR love-life? Oh, least said...
Is it still Eddie Risley?
129
00:10:27,780 --> 00:10:31,160
I've warned you about him.
He's a crook!
130
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:36,220
He's straight, Dad! He's just
a tough businessman. Yeah (!)
131
00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:40,660
It isn't fair, people saying
he'd sell his own mother.
132
00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:43,380
I heard that. Who from?!
133
00:10:43,380 --> 00:10:46,540
The two blokes
who bought his mother.
134
00:10:46,540 --> 00:10:52,980
It's no good talking to you.
You've got a blind spot about him.
So have you.
135
00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:58,620
Giving you a bad time, isn't he?
I don't know where I am with him.
136
00:10:58,620 --> 00:11:01,220
You don't half pick 'em, do you?
137
00:11:01,220 --> 00:11:06,780
You're a bonny girl. You could have
anyone you wanted, you could.
138
00:11:06,780 --> 00:11:11,300
And also, you're not
getting any younger - 24.
139
00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:16,540
That's not old! It is
for a teenager! And a spinster!
140
00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:23,820
Oh, Dad! Things have changed
since your day! Girls don't want
to be tied down so quick.
141
00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:26,620
They see alternatives to marriage.
142
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:29,360
Not in Muswell Hill, they don't.
143
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:35,220
They've twinned the Odeon!
I'm talking about moral standards!
144
00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:40,260
What do social commentators know?
Nothing about the real world!
145
00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:47,860
They all live in NW1! Never been
further north than Hampstead or
further south than Sloane Square!
146
00:11:47,860 --> 00:11:53,860
In the REAL world,
Birmingham, Muswell Hill...
Are you wearing a bra?
147
00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:58,660
I don't need to, Dad!
What do you mean?
148
00:11:58,660 --> 00:12:01,340
My breasts are firm and pliant.
149
00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:03,580
Please, Ingrid!
150
00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:09,740
This isn't St Tropez!
It's Slade bleeding Prison!
151
00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:16,500
The men here would go berserk
at the sight of a shin,
never mind unfettered knockers!
152
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:17,860
Dad!
153
00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:20,700
I'm sorry, but it has to be said.
154
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:27,020
You are very naive
about the effect your body
can have on a shackled male.
155
00:12:27,020 --> 00:12:29,860
Dad, YOU are naive in some ways.
156
00:12:29,860 --> 00:12:32,940
I'm sure no-one's even noticed!
157
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:02,000
Godber?
158
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,580
Godber!
159
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,760
GODBER!
160
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:13,700
What?! What? Are you awake?
161
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:21,100
What's the matter?
You got any snout?
162
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:26,760
No. Would you believe it? Yeah,
I would, you inconsiderate nerk!
163
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,420
I thought you'd given up!
164
00:13:29,420 --> 00:13:32,240
I felt like starting again.
165
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,340
Mind your head.
166
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:45,040
Me mum bought me some Maltesers.
No, thanks. And cake. No, thanks!
167
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:50,540
If you haven't got snout, go back
to sleep! Thanks, you old scrote!
168
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:57,040
What's the matter, anyway?
I've got things on my mind.
Like what? MY business!
169
00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,200
Oh, come on. You've woken me up now.
170
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:09,300
I just get depressed at times,
that's all. Stinking stir!
KICKS TABLE
171
00:14:11,220 --> 00:14:14,100
That's not like you, Fletch.
172
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:19,220
A father's place is with his kids,
giving them affection and guidance.
173
00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:24,940
I've got three, you know.
Yeah, I know. 14, 19 and 24.
174
00:14:24,940 --> 00:14:29,940
Why the gap between each?
Circumstances dictated that.
175
00:14:29,940 --> 00:14:35,420
How? Well, I had to keep going
in prison for five years, didn't I?
176
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:41,020
Teens is a terrible age -
you expect trouble.
177
00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:46,140
But you'd think my Ingrid would
have learnt a few lessons by now.
178
00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:50,700
She seemed a nice girl to me.
She had lovely...
179
00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:56,620
I know what she had lovely!
I'm her father. Be careful, Godber!
180
00:14:56,620 --> 00:14:59,540
Eyes! I was gonna say eyes.
181
00:14:59,540 --> 00:15:02,580
Lovely eyes. Big and blue.
182
00:15:02,580 --> 00:15:09,540
Oh, yeah. And a nice smile,
which seemed to indicate
a warm nature. True, true.
183
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:14,960
I hope you don't mind me
saying this...
184
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:21,320
..but I couldn't help overhearing
a bit of what you said.
Most of us did.
185
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,420
Oh, yeah?
186
00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:28,140
This Eddie don't seem
good enough for her. He's not.
187
00:15:28,140 --> 00:15:35,340
He says he's in the motor trade -
he forges car log-books.
Not that SHE'D believe it.
188
00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:39,580
How can YOU be sure?
I bought two off him.
189
00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:46,060
They weren't much cop either.
He spelt Citroen with an S.
190
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:51,020
Well, I shouldn't worry too much.
191
00:15:51,020 --> 00:15:56,240
He'll get rumbled, and that'll
give her time to find someone new.
192
00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:02,460
And I should think young Marion
will settle down now
at Timothy Whites.
193
00:16:02,460 --> 00:16:09,820
Don't worry about Raymond -
I smoked at 14. And congratulations
on your silver wedding.
194
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:21,100
Did you earwig ALL my conversation?
Why didn't you talk to your mother?
It's a long schlep from Birmingham!
195
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:26,860
She's doesn't have much to say -
just a list of family ailments.
196
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:31,880
No news of Denise? She don't talk
about Denise - she don't approve.
197
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:36,660
Why not? She uses green
nail-varnish and doesn't wear a bra.
198
00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:39,960
Her and Ingrid have a lot in common.
199
00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:44,180
Your Ingrid's got nicer knockers!
200
00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:56,020
Fletcher, could I have a word?
I'm playing draughts.
201
00:16:56,020 --> 00:16:59,580
It IS important.
I wouldn't ask otherwise.
202
00:16:59,580 --> 00:17:02,400
So is THIS, innit?
203
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,340
Duty calls.
204
00:17:09,340 --> 00:17:13,040
We'll have to call it a draw.
Half each.
205
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:24,780
Sorry to disturb you in association
hour. That's OK. It's only draughts.
206
00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:29,840
Not your game as a rule, is it? No.
There's not much else to do now.
207
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,700
Look at the Ping-Pong ball.
208
00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:36,700
Oh, I am sorry! It is a mess. Yeah.
209
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:40,180
Anyhow, I wanted a quiet word.
I'm all ears.
210
00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:42,820
Do you know where Godber is?
211
00:17:42,820 --> 00:17:47,980
He'll be at one of his poxy evening
classes. Tuesday - woodwork.
212
00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:53,340
He's up in front of the Governor.
Is he? The lad? What's he done?
213
00:17:53,340 --> 00:18:01,120
He's attacked a prisoner in the
kitchen. He attacked Jackdaw with
a soup ladle. I don't believe it!
214
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:06,400
It's quite true! It was a severe and
unprovoked attack, the officer said.
215
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:13,900
I don't believe it! I know
Jackdaw gets on everybody's nerves,
but Lennie's a passive sort of boy.
216
00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:20,620
He wouldn't hurt a fly!
I thought you might throw some light
on the matter.
217
00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:27,100
I dunno... He seemed
his usual self this morning.
At lunchtime he was cheerful.
218
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:32,140
But Mr Pringle did slip on a bit
of orange peel and hurt his back,
219
00:18:32,140 --> 00:18:34,700
so we was ALL cheerful.
220
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:39,700
Fletcher! Be serious!
Godber is in trouble!
221
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:47,340
It's so irrational, you see.
I like that lad, you know.
I think he shows a lot of promise.
222
00:18:47,340 --> 00:18:53,900
It's the system, innit?
It's turning an affable young lad
into a violent criminal!
223
00:18:53,900 --> 00:19:01,180
You're sitting on a volcano
which could at any time
erupt into violence and mayhem!
224
00:19:01,180 --> 00:19:06,420
Fletcher, you've got your finger
on the pulse. How can we avert this?
225
00:19:06,420 --> 00:19:11,380
Well, there is one thing you could
do to postpone the holocaust.
226
00:19:11,380 --> 00:19:16,200
What? You could indent for
another Ping-Pong ball. Fletcher!
227
00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:36,300
Well then?
228
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,060
Well then, what? I heard.
229
00:19:39,060 --> 00:19:43,620
Heard what? I heard you hit Jackdaw
with a ladle.
230
00:19:43,620 --> 00:19:46,760
Heard right then, didn't you?
231
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:53,440
Must've had your reasons. I did.
Ain't you going in the cooler then?
232
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,460
No. Lucky lad! Lucky, am I?!
233
00:19:56,460 --> 00:20:00,760
Yeah! Assault, innit,
ladling a fellow prisoner?!
234
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,900
Automatic cooler offence, ladling.
235
00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:10,380
I just got loss of privileges, due
to the mitigating circumstances.
236
00:20:10,380 --> 00:20:13,800
You must have had
mitigating circumstances!
237
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,040
Look, you don't HAVE to tell me.
238
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:32,020
You don't HAVE to say what drove
you to launch into Jackdaw with
a deadly weapon, to wit, one ladle!
239
00:20:32,020 --> 00:20:36,520
I won't then. I'd rather not.
Oh, I see.
240
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,880
I see!
241
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:46,720
It hasn't occurred to you that your
hitherto blameless record is due
in no small part to yours truly.
242
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:54,540
I'm only the guy who showed you
the ropes, kept you on the rails,
loaned you his soft toilet-paper!
243
00:20:54,540 --> 00:20:59,580
I'm not ungrateful! Every time
I go to the bog, I'm not ungrateful.
244
00:20:59,580 --> 00:21:08,260
Having eavesdropped into MY private
life, don't you think it's time
I knew something about yours?!
245
00:21:08,260 --> 00:21:14,960
I got bad news!
Jackdaw took the mick, so I hit him
when my mind was disturbed!
246
00:21:17,140 --> 00:21:19,500
News? Yeah!
247
00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:27,920
What news?!
248
00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:41,640
Oh.
249
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:49,860
It's a Dear John letter. In my case
it's Dear Lennie. Naturally.
250
00:21:49,860 --> 00:21:54,280
Yours, but not forever, Denise, eh?
That's right.
251
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:57,100
So it's the DEMISE of Denise!
252
00:21:57,100 --> 00:21:59,720
That's not funny, Fletcher!
253
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,040
Was that a joke?
Not what I call a joke!
254
00:22:04,460 --> 00:22:09,500
Don't you think I've seen it happen
hundreds of times? It's inevitable.
255
00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:14,820
At least she's honest. They're all
at it like knives while we're here!
256
00:22:14,820 --> 00:22:22,140
But her main concern
in her last letter was whether
to get a budgerigar or a canary!
257
00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:25,500
In your future life together?
Yeah.
258
00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:30,000
One decision you won't have to make.
I suppose not.
259
00:22:31,380 --> 00:22:35,380
Look, I know it's only
academic now, but...
260
00:22:35,380 --> 00:22:39,140
..speaking personally,
from personal experience...
261
00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:43,640
..I would say that always,
by and large...
262
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,980
..I would plump
for a budgerigar.
263
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,280
Oh.
264
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:57,980
Why? They're more friendly,
and canaries are prone to draughts,
you know.
265
00:22:57,980 --> 00:23:00,800
I think it's the angle of the tail.
266
00:23:02,500 --> 00:23:09,020
I speak from experience,
'cos we had a canary once.
Surly little bleeder!
267
00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:13,700
As you say, it's academic.
Yeah. He's dead now.
268
00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:21,380
So, Denise has had... Someone's...
There's another man, is there?
Do you know him?
269
00:23:21,380 --> 00:23:27,500
His name's Kenneth.
He's in the merchant navy,
so there's no contest.
270
00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:34,700
I see. Jolly Jack Tar,
the sailor with the navy-blue eyes
and all the gold braid?
271
00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:38,220
Sun shines out of his port-hole,
I know.
272
00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:43,340
Don't worry, it's only temporary.
273
00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:49,900
Once he's at sea,
you'll be out with Denise,
and he'll be up the Persian Gulf.
274
00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:55,560
Then you can just assume your
rightful place in her affections.
275
00:23:55,560 --> 00:24:01,680
It's just temporary.
I don't think so. No sweat.
She's married him.
276
00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:05,040
She's what?
277
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,940
Last Saturday.
She thought I should know.
278
00:24:08,940 --> 00:24:11,760
Married him.
279
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:15,680
The Cross Keys did them proud -
pate and salad.
280
00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:20,200
Well, I'm appalled.
281
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,040
I don't know what to say.
282
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,740
Pate and salad!
283
00:24:29,140 --> 00:24:35,500
Mum's coming next month.
She would have come today,
only the doctor forbade it.
284
00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:42,260
He said she'd be a fool to herself.
Nothing serious?
Just something going round.
285
00:24:42,260 --> 00:24:46,980
Marion ain't with Timothy Whites
no longer.
286
00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:51,420
Ain't she? Dispensed
with her services, have they?
287
00:24:51,420 --> 00:24:56,480
She's got a job selling shirts.
She shows them round the offices.
288
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,860
Makes a change
from showing her knickers.
289
00:24:59,860 --> 00:25:03,180
She's found another flat
in Maida Vale,
290
00:25:03,180 --> 00:25:08,220
and what you'll be most glad to hear
is that me and Eddie have split up.
291
00:25:08,220 --> 00:25:11,400
Have you? Not before time, girl!
292
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:17,960
That's a great relief to us all.
Yeah, we was very worried
about that liaison.
293
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:22,220
Do you mind?! Get on
with your own visit, please!
294
00:25:22,220 --> 00:25:27,360
Sorry, Mrs Godber. Haven't you got
any news from the home front, dear?
295
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:34,140
Well, I can't think
of anything to say. It's like
visiting people in hospital.
296
00:25:34,140 --> 00:25:37,960
Force yourself, love.
Here, here, here!
297
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,520
He does bird impressions.
298
00:25:42,060 --> 00:25:44,780
You all know the procedure!
299
00:25:44,780 --> 00:25:50,540
Conversation will be confined to
the person opposite the prisoner.
300
00:25:50,540 --> 00:25:53,440
There will be no fratricide here.
301
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:59,620
That's what I told him.
So if you'll excuse us, Godber...
302
00:25:59,620 --> 00:26:03,680
Sorry, Fletch. Sorry, miss.
That's all right.
303
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,880
So, you've given Eddie the big E.
That's good.
304
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,620
Stick to what I tell you
in future, right?
305
00:26:11,620 --> 00:26:16,540
I do! Ain't you noticed how discreet
I am today? What do you mean?
306
00:26:16,540 --> 00:26:23,660
Last time I embarrassed you,
so this time I've given you no cause.
I don't get you.
307
00:26:23,660 --> 00:26:27,520
Oh, Dad, look! I'm wearing a bra!
308
00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:41,360
Look at that, look at that!
309
00:26:45,260 --> 00:26:49,900
What? It's a Ping-Pong ball, innit?
Two-star!
310
00:26:49,900 --> 00:26:54,440
You don't play!
I don't, but some nerks here do!
311
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:59,460
Ping-Pong balls are scarce. I'll
get four ounces of snout for this!
312
00:26:59,460 --> 00:27:01,900
Look at that!
313
00:27:03,820 --> 00:27:05,980
Fletch... Yeah?
314
00:27:05,980 --> 00:27:10,940
Can I ask you something?
# Feel free! # No, no, no! What?
315
00:27:10,940 --> 00:27:18,260
You know when I was worried
after that letter about the stigma
of being an ex-con? Yeah.
316
00:27:18,260 --> 00:27:25,580
Do you think it'll be hard
working my way back into society?
Depends on the breaks.
317
00:27:25,580 --> 00:27:33,020
Did YOU have any difficulty?
No, I've never had any trouble,
'cos I always go straight.
318
00:27:33,020 --> 00:27:35,760
Straight back into crime.
319
00:27:37,380 --> 00:27:42,380
But with you it's different. You're
young. You've got an honest face.
320
00:27:42,380 --> 00:27:45,360
Is that enough? Yeah, I think so.
321
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:49,300
Character, that's what
you've got. Character.
322
00:27:49,300 --> 00:27:52,000
You're a good lad.
323
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:58,580
So you think then, that if a girl
cared for me, she'd forgive
my past misdemeanours?
324
00:27:58,580 --> 00:28:03,360
Yeah, if she's a human being.
Any human being would.
325
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:08,660
You've got to learn to believe
in yourself, 'cos I believe in you.
326
00:28:08,660 --> 00:28:12,260
Do you? Of course.
I'll post this then.
327
00:28:12,260 --> 00:28:19,580
Could you get Barrowclough
to post it outside? Who to? BBC?
Yes, on plain notepaper.
328
00:28:19,580 --> 00:28:22,580
"Hello, Young Lovers" corner?!
329
00:28:22,580 --> 00:28:28,460
Is all this for the benefit
of that slag, Denise?
No, not her! Who then?
330
00:28:28,460 --> 00:28:30,320
Ingrid.
331
00:28:33,740 --> 00:28:36,000
My Ingrid?
332
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,740
Our eyes met across the room.
333
00:28:38,740 --> 00:28:42,000
My daughter Ingrid?
And we both knew.
334
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:46,080
You think I'll let my Ingrid
take up with you?!
335
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,280
A juvenile delinquent
from Birmingham!
336
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:54,320
Fletch! Be careful! Why?
You've crushed your Ping-Pong ball.
337
00:29:18,420 --> 00:29:22,400
Subtitles by Jane Wolsey
- 1992 -
50485
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