All language subtitles for Porridge - 2x01 - Just Deserts.eng

You're an habitual criminal,
who accepts arrest and imprisonment
as occupational hazards.

We therefore commit you
to the maximum term allowed.

You will go to prison for five years.

HE SIGHS

Goorr, dear.

Morning, Fletch.
Morning, Fletch.

Never mind the good mornings.

What's up?
I'll tell you. Listening, Ives?

Sorry, Fletcher - what's up?

I've something very serious to say.

I don't know quite how to put this,

but there is a thief among us.

There's 600 people in this prison,

and two thirds of them
must be in for stealing.

That's stealing on the outside,
against civilians.

That's just a living, isn't it?

This crime was perpetrated
within these walls.

Despicable! Beneath the dignity
of a moral, law-abiding criminal.

What's the alleged offence?
Nothing alleged about it.

Someone's lifted a 2-pound tin of
pineapple chunks. PINEAPPLE CHUNKS!

Keep it down - we are discussing
contraband. Pineapple chunks.

That's better.
One tin of chunks, pineapple.

Thickly cut, juicy chunks
of delicious pineapple,

in heavy syrup, from the sun-kissed
shores of Hono-bleedin'-lulu.

Mmm...lovely.

I hope that look doesn't convey
a pleasant memory.

No! I haven't touched your chunks.

Any idea who it was? I hoped our
chat would shed some light on that,

cos I'm extremely dischuffed
about this.

Luxuries are hard to come by
in this neck of the woods.

I was looking forward to it.
I'm partial to tinned pineapple.

Fond of all tinned fruit,
but particularly pineapple -

in the absence of tinned pears.

Bad enough when someone nicks
a razor blade, or some money.

But not my pineapple chunks.

When did you realise they'd gone?
Now.

I wanted some dessert,
to supplement his wretched cuisine.
I do my best.

I had something whipped last week.

Honest! Remember when Arkwright's
old woman said she wasn't returning,

cos she was going to live with that
Maltese ponce in Morecambe? No.

He tried to strangle her
till he was restrained
by the screw with the harelip.

You paint a very pretty picture,
Ives.

They could use you on Jackanory.

In the commotion, my missus slipped
me a jar of gooseberry preserve.

I was only out for half an hour,
but in that time some scroat
had whipped the lot,

while I was making
a Bugs Bunny money bank.

The field's narrowing down.
The net's tightening.

We know the thief has a sweet tooth.

Any speculation as to who took
your pineapple hardly applies to me.

Would you mind
elaborating on that, please?

Well, I'm not a common criminal. Oh?

I don't know if it's escaped your
notice, but you are doing porridge.

I'm a professional man. A dentist.
Consequently... Just a minute.

You WAS a dentist.
It's been some time since
they struck you off their list.

After the regrettable incident
with the laughing gas.

You may not consider yourself
a criminal, but to those ladies
it was no laughing matter.

He did a lovely job on my bridge
when the old one fell into the soup.

We're not discussing
his dental ability.
He mustn't set himself above us.

Listen... No, you listen.
Spread the word around.

I'm off to the showers to stretch
me legs - and to wash 'em.

Then I'll sit in the chapel and
comtemplate the error of my ways,

and make peace with my bookmaker.

After that,
if my tin hasn't been returned,

we'll have to open a full-scale
inquiry, because this could spread.

If we can't sit in here and live
together, and trust one another,
where are we?

Yeah.

Right.

He's quite right.

Hey - who's pinched my Polos?

Come on in, then. Make yourselves
as comfortable as possible.

That's it, Bill, sit there.

Pass right down the cell, please.
It's not a laughing matter, Warren.

All here?

Who's keeping the eye open?
Gay Gordon.

Bit conspicuous isn't it? She's
still got her hair in curlers.

Nifty's there, too.
So the pineapple
hasn't been returned?

No. I know the time of the crime.
You all had the M.M.O. -
means, motive and opportunity.

You mean the thief
is in this very room?

Exactly that, Monsieur Poirot.
You were all on this landing
before bang-up.

Weren't you? Not all the time.
I saw Harry Grout to negotiate
the tobacco concession.

Kangaroo court, eh? Heard about it.

Ah, McLaren. Make room for McLaren.

No reason to exclude me, Fletch.
The finger of suspicion
points at everyone.

Just like to mention that if anyone
points it at me, I'll clobber them.

Very good of you
to be so reasonable.

The crime was committed during
the 15 minutes before bang-up
last night. I was in the gym.

I was playing ping-pong
with these two and Gay Gordon.
Mixed doubles.

I was teaching Atlas chess.

I was watching telly with Crabs.

Oh! Hello, Crabs.
Didn't see you there.

We don't need
confessions from everybody.
We must adhere to legal principles.

Innocent until proved guilty?
Exactly. True.

But it's lunch-time
and someone here is notorious
for two-faced gittery.

So let's just extract a confession
from Ives before the bell. 'Ere!

I'll extract the confession.
I was in the hobby
shop doing me toys!

Wait - that's true, that is. I saw
him on the way back from the gym.

Making a big, fluffy panda. You seen
his Bugs Bunny money bank?
Goorr!

No. Is he doing it now? Ooh!

You're barking up the wrong tree.
Maybe.

Can I go now?
Fletch? OK. He's a funny colour.

We still live with the knowledge
that there's a thief among us.
Where did you get the pineapple?

Pinched it from the kitchen.

Mackay... Oh, dear.

This is a gathering of the newly
formed Slade Prison Cowboy Club.
All together now...

# Home, home on the range

# Where the deer
and the antelope play

# Where seldom is heard... #

Quiet, you horrible rabble!

..A discouraging word?
What's going on here?

It's Mr Mackay, pardners.
HOWDY, MR MACKAY.

I said, what's going on here?

Cowboy Club, sir.

What?

Friends of the West.

We sing... Poppycock!

This is an unlawful assembly.

Regulations say not more than three
prisoners will congregate in a cell.

There you have the advantage. I've
been unable to obtain a copy...
On your feet!

On your feet, the lot of you!

There are two rules
in this prison -
one, you do not write on the walls.

Two, you obey all the rules.

Back to your cells, the lot of you.

Make it snappy.

I'll bring round
me Gene Autrey songbook.

Adios, amigos. Hi ho, Tonto.

Approaching the highlight
of the week - Sunday lunch.
Can I offer you a sherry?

There is a growing current
of insubordination in this prison.

A definite rise in insolence. And
pilfering. Pilfering - we'd noticed.

I'm not referring to petty thieving
amongst yourselves -

that's to be expected
with incorrigible criminals.

I'm referring to thefts
of prison property.
It will not be tolerated.

Godber, what have you been up to?
Off work, sir. Been up since six.

He's very tired,
so you'll excuse us...

A very unfortunate combination.
How's that?

His opportunities in the kitchen,
and your distribution network.

I don't steal! I resent that.
Butter wouldn't melt in your mouth.

Good idea - how much could you get
in your mouth? Don't make waves.

Hands up. This isn't on! Legs apart.

All right, I've done wrong,
I'm inside. But I'm paying me dues.

What makes you so different?

Circumstances brought me here -
environment. Lack of guidance.

Times were tough and I went off the
rails. But I have decent qualities.

I'm learning my lesson.

I won't grass, I won't cheat
and I won't steal.

All right, sonny Jim.
We'll say no more for the present.

Well said. He could see you was
sincere. He was obviously impressed.

Should think so,
suspicious old scroat.
Good job you was clean, though.

Good job he didn't
look under me hat!

Fletch... What?

Can I have a loan
of your black boot polish? Why?

Why d'you think?
Me mascara's run out.

Don't be cheeky.

Ain't you going to lend me
no black boot polish? No.

No, in the light of recent events
I think what one has, one keeps.

You didn't say that
before I shared me margarine.
I've done a lot for you.

First night you come in
I give you my toothpaste.

You give me one squeeze.

On three nights!
That makes half a tube.
Not your squeezes, they don't.

That wasn't ordinary toothpaste. It
had hectochloroform in the stripes.

Got that special
to match my pyjamas.

I give you Liquorice Allsorts -
fair exchange is no robbery.

When you were at death's door,
who gave you a throat lozenge?

Yeah - lozenge. Singular.

Who gave you all them matches
for that model of the Cutty Sark?

Who sat on it?

It was pointless anyway.
You need a ten stretch to finish
the Cutty Sark in matchsticks.

Should have used chair legs
like I told you.

Who stole nails for your pin-ups?
Who gave you home-made shortbread?

Home-made shortbread? I used it to
bang the nails in. Ungrateful nurk.

Who loaned who
whose darning wool?

You. And who's darning
whose socks?

Are they my socks?
I don't go through mine.

I never realised.
Apparently.

Yeah, well. Thanks very much.
My pleasure.

Here's the bloody shoe polish.

And don't use it all.

You said when I moved in here

that our best protection
against them nurks out there
was mutual interest.

Team spirit.

Well, my trust's been misplaced.
That tin of pineapple chunks
proved that.

I was careless enough
to forget it's a jungle in here.
Can't trust nobody.

Does that include me? What?
Not trusting nobody.
I'm looking after number one.

Answer my question.

What question?
D'you think I nicked your chunks?

Who knows? Don't evade me. This
is critical to our relationship.

Get on with mending your socks...
my socks.

No! I want an answer. I respect you,
Fletch. I owe you a lot.
And I don't mean toothpaste.

I never pretended to be cool
about doing stir. It petrified me.

You taught me the right approach.
I get by now. I'm very grateful.

And d'you think I'd steal
your pineapple chunks?
Not even me favourite fruit!

Here! It never entered my head.
If there's one person I know didn't
steal them, it's you. Yeah, well.

We're oppoes, ain't we?
I dunno. Course we are.

Course we are.

Living like caged animals we're
bound to get the needle sometimes.
But I trust you. Implicit.

I know you didn't take 'em.

How can you be sure? Cos I know
the kind of person you are.

Besides, when you was in the shower
I went through all your gear.

Morning, Mr Barrowclough.

Ah, Fletcher...

Have a nice weekend, did you?
Not especially.

At least it kept fine for you.
Did it? The sun rarely shines
in my household.

Oh, dear.

Want to get another window put in.
I didn't mean the architecture.

Oh, dear. Anyway, I've not come
to discuss my domestic situation.
Well, your problems are mine, sir.

I'm aware of that, Fletcher.
Yes, yes. That is true at times.

That's why
I've been lenient with you.

Lenient?

Well, I haven't had a chance
to talk to you since the weekend,

but on Saturday, when you were
all watching the football,

Mr Malone and me were detailed
by Mr Mackay to do an R.S.C. What?

A random security check.

Oh, yeah. The vocabulary varies
from nick to nick.
But it comes to the same thing.

Burgling. Despicable infringement
of civil liberties.

Yes, well,
the practice is justified, Fletcher,

when one finds
stolen tins of pineapple chunks.

Where, sir?

Don't play that game with me. In
your cell. I should have reported it.

But you didn't? No, I didn't.
Mr Malone's attention was distracted.

He was in the showers,
looking for a missing hatchet.

If I'd reported the find, you'd have
lost this job and your privileges,

and very likely had solitary
confinement. What can I say?

You can promise
to keep your nose clean.

You see, I reckoned
I owed you a favour, possibly,

and the consequences
would have been severe.

But the slate is wiped clean now,
Fletcher. We're all square, right?

Right, Mr Barrowclough.

This is a very cushy number.
It's a better job
than a lot of trusties have.

I've got
a complicated index to complete.
You've been at it for five weeks.

I want to avoid mistakes.
You want to avoid the real job
of decorating the room.

Waiting for the paint. Where is it?
Stolen, sir.

Oh, dear, dear.

What is happening to this prison?

There's a criminal element
in here, sir.

There's too much pilfering.
Mr Mackay's on my back about it.

Look, I'll let you off. In return
I expect a decrease on your block.

Rest assured, Mr Barrowclough. Good.

Did you return
the tin to the food store?

Er... Not exactly, no.

You see, I...er...well,
I took it home

and the wife
did a gammon steak Hawaii.

Oh! Gammon steak Hawaii, very nice.
So it's been consumed, has it?

I didn't intend to, but the wife
found it and insisted we ate it.

There was very little I could do
about it. Only eat it. Under protest.

Under protest and on top of gammon!

If I did commit the offence, which,
without evidence, is hard to prove,

then you're an accessory
before, after and during the fact.

You're a felon,
same as me, ain't you?

I'm aware of the situation, Fletcher.

We? Is that the royal "we"?
I can't just trolly down
to the village store.

I'm aware of that. I'll get it.
You pay for it.

Lukewarm, make a commotion when
I get near the cupboard, will you?

You're not escaping, are you? It's
a good lunch today. We've got jelly.

I'm going to steal some pineapple
chunks for Fletcher. What for?

To make up for the one he had
nicked. It's a bit dodgy. There's
only one tin left. Oh, blast.

They came out lovely.

Sorry, sir.
What's all this, Lewis?

They fell over.
Clear this mess up.

Morning, Mr Appleton.
Morning, Mr Birchwood.

Mr Appleton, there's
a tin of pineapple chunks missing.

Fetch Mr Mackay.

Everyone stay where they are.

Where are you off to? Forgot where
I was, sir. Get back where you were.

- Arms up.
- There's no time. I've got
to make a new tray of pasties.

- They'll have to wait.
- Can't wait.
They take 25 minutes at Regulo Six.

WARREN: Let him make his pasties,
Mr Appleton, he does 'em lovely.
APPLETON: Quiet!

What's going on here?
APPLETON: Pilfering.

Tin of pineapple from the cupboard.
Who was last seen in the vicinity?

APPLETON: Godber was there
a minute ago.

Godber! That makes sense,
doesn't it?

Your comeuppance
is long overdue, Godber.

Why is your hat
standing to attention, Godber?

Ow, Mr Mackay!

All right, all right!

You do not move,
not any one of you.

Mr Birchwood, where was
this crime perpetrated?

From this cupboard. I saw it
right off, because there was
only one tin there, sir.

Is this the tin that's missing?
That's the one, sir.

Pull yourself together,
Mr Birchwood!

INAUDIBLE

There were two tins in that cupboard,
weren't there? Only the one.

Then I was right. It were a miracle.

No other explanation. It scares you
a bit. I don't pretend to understand.

The miracle of Slade Prison.
I was raised a catholic.
Not a very good one.

But after this...
Well, it makes you think, don't it?

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform. Yes.

See you in church.

Hello, Fletch!

Oh, yeah.

What's the matter?

Paint's arrived,
that's what's the matter. So?

So I've got to paint
the bleedin' library!

Can't you get rid of it? No.

There ain't a screw left
without a gleaming front fence.

Life could be worse. Could it?

Ha, ha! Ha, ha!

What's got into you? What's up?
You'll find out soon enough.

That's all we need, look.

I haven't come to see you, Fletcher.
Come to see Godber.

Now, Godber. Laddy.

I don't want you developing a chip,
or to feel I'm picking on you.

I've a job to do and whatever else
I am, I am firm but fair. Hmm?

I want you know I treat you all
with equal contempt.

Well, I appreciate that,
Mr Mackay.

What was that about? Thought I'd
been pilfering. That's no surprise.

They think we're all pilferers.
They think we're thieving
all the time.

We're under continual
harassment, suspicion.

Poking into our belongings without
any justification whatsoever.

If you'll excuse me,
I'll go for a shower. No!

Why? Well, you've no need to,
Fletch. You're so clean.

What's got into you, Godber, hey?

FLETCHER!

Come here, Fletcher. What?

What is that? What's what?

Bloody hell!

Come with me, Fletcher. You won't
need your towel. It's a plant!

No, it's not.
It's a tin of pineapple.

'Ere, has anyone got
a tin opener?

Subtitles by Laura Haydon - 1992