All language subtitles for Porridge - 03x03 - Rough Justice.eng

JUDGE:
'Norman Stanley Fletcher,

'you have pleaded guilty
to the charges and it is
now my duty to pass sentence.

'You are a habitual criminal
who accepts arrest
as an occupational hazard,

'and presumably
accepts imprisonment
in the same casual manner.

'We therefore commit you
to the maximum term allowed.
You will go to prison for 5 years.'

What do YOU want, Warren?

How did you know it was me?
Rear view mirror!

What do you want?
I need a letter written.
How long you been here? 10 months.

Shouldn't you have taken advantage
of the educational facilities?

I'm not illiterate, Fletch.
Oh, sorry, I thought you were.

I suffer from DYSLEXIA.

You don't know what it means.
It's some sort of acid stomach.

What's it got to do with writing?

Dyslexia is word blindness.
The words get jumbled up
in me head. There's plenty of room!

If they'd found it out years ago,
I wouldn't be here. Here we go!
The hard luck story.

It's true!

I couldn't read the sign.

What sign?
"Warning - Burglar Alarm."

Like Charlie Gill. He's deaf,
he didn't hear the dog.

He's short of hearing?
He's short of more than that
since the dog got him.

I'll come back later.
It's all right, I'll do it.

Usual rates. Half a snout a page.
No. I weren't going to ask YOU.

What? I were going to ask
your new celly, Judge Rawley. WHY?

He's a judge. Educated man.
Oxford. Public school.

I see! You're going to dispense
with my literary services.

I thought he'd be the best person
for the job.

Letter writing is an art.
What sort of letter will HE write?

"My dear Elaine, I am in receipt
of yours of the 6th ult,
wherebeit I, the undersigned..."

I mean, what do you want to do,
woo her or sue her?

I just thought...
You thought wrong. Letter writing
is a creative art.

Look, this is what I'M writing
to my nearest and dearest.

See...read that...
Oh, you can't.

"My darling, though we have been
driven apart by cruel fate,

"and a misdirection of a jury
by a biased judge, who is now
sharing a cell with me,

"I know that our love transcends
these grey, grim walls.

"You are with me in my heart,

"and this helps me to wring
a few drops of comfort
from the limp, damp towel of life.

"Kiss the baby for me.
Your own Norman."

That's beautiful, Fletch.

Yeah, well...

Will you do a letter for me,
when you've got a moment?
When I got a moment, yeah.

But I'll have to finish this one
and send it..

Then I've to write to the wife!

Good afternoon, Warren.
Your Honour.

He is NOT a "Your Honour."
He is an EX "Your Honour."
He's been de-benched, de-wigged.

He's pending appeal.

That little matter you raised...
I'll speak to you later.

Thank you, Judge. See you, Fletch.

I see! He's been raising things,
has he?

WHAT little matter?

Something to do with his sister's
tenancy of her council house.

Oh, setting up shop? Excuse me?

"Judge Rawley. Open for business."
What are you charging? Nothing.

That's daft. If you've got any
expertise that's in demand,
then you want to sell it.

Any philanthropic gestures
will be taken as a sign
of weakness. I hadn't realised.

I'll work out a scale of charges,
and we'll split it 50 - 50.

I have no intention... You will.
I will NOT.

There's 600 men in this nick,
and they've all got a legal gripe.

We've got an ex-solicitor,
but he only does mortgages -

and there's not a great deal
of call for that in here!

The one thing we ARE certain of
is that we'll always have a roof
over our heads.

Listen, all the homosexuals
in here are forming a movement.

It's called
"Equal Rights for Poofters."

You could represent them.

Queen's Counsel, ain't you?

I am not hawking
my legal expertise.

I'll do the hawking,
you just dispense.

Out of the question. I'm waiting
to hear the result of my appeal.

Within a month I could be back
on the bench. One has to preserve
one's integrity. Integrity, is it?

I admire your high moral tone,
despite the fact you so recently
disgraced your profession.

Look, you're inside now.

It's a jungle in here.
You're lucky to be sharing a cell
with King Kong!

Know what I mean?!

Pooh! Is that you, Harris?
Me what? That pong.

There's a reason for this pong.
I hope so. Is it curable?

They've put me back on the farm.

That's good.
Exercise...fresh air...

Fresh air? I'm swilling out
the flamin' pigs! And you know WHY.

You and pigs, that makes sense.

Watch your lip, Godber.

Can't see it from here!

I'm back on the farm
because they're re-jigging the jobs
to accommodate your naffing V.I.P.

Judge Rawley? Yeah.
He got a clerk's job.

Don't you get outside trips?
Oh, yeah(!) Today I had a trip out
in the back of the pig van.

It hadn't been cleaned out
for weeks. I was slipping all over
the place. Go and have a bath.

This is what I smell like
AFTER a bath!

Oh, I was forgetting the highlight!
I caught a glimpse of a woman.

A female woman?
What was she like?

Prison does funny things to a man.
I've never been turned on
by a 15 stone pig-breeder before!

What do YOU want? Social call.
What a smell! They've put me back
on the pig farm.

The pigs held a protest march.

Still, better than aeroplane glue.

I like the smell. It reminds me
of home. Born on a farm? No.

Naff off. It smells like a Turkish
restaurant on a Monday morning.

If this cell smells, it's because
of His Worship. How can you live
with him? Naff off, Harris.

We'll have him. In the end,
we'll have him! Get out! Go on!

Pooh!

Nurk! Where's me aerofix?

Oh, here it is. You're always
leaving it in silly places.

I sat on it. I had to be
prised out of me underpants.

Talk about a stiff upper-lip!

Let's have me letter.
Let's see the snout. There...

What's that? That's cheating!
Who rolls them for you? Twiggy?

Good job it's a short letter.
Is it good? Fantastic.

As long as Elaine likes it.
There was a Rita Hayworth film on
last night. "Fire Down Below."

That's how Elaine will feel!

Let's have a look. Read it for me.
Who's Rita Hayworth?

Gawd! You're ignorant.
No. Just young.

Your generation missed out.
Who've YOU got? Joan Bakewell
and Janet Street-Porter.

I like East European gymnasts.

I'm talking about REAL women.
Rhonda Fleming...Virginia Mayo...

and top of the pile
has always been my beautiful Rita.

Is she your favourite? Yeah.
Is that why you put "Dear Rita"?

Yeah! Eh? I haven't, have I?

Give it here. Where's my pen?

Elaine will think I've got a Rita
on my mind. She'll get jealous.

No, she won't. I've crossed it out
and put Errol Flynn.

Want me to read it to you? Yes.

Right. "Dear Errol Flynn..."

Good evening, Your Grace.

I've just met that middle-aged
Teddy Boy. Harris. Most abusive.

He's all wind and water.

He's in here for snatching
an old age pensioner's handbag.
He never! He tried to...

but she kept hitting him
with the bag. That subdued him?

Not half! It had a brick in it!
She was going to a smash and grab!

Don't worry. He threatened me.

Don't worry. We'll back you up.
We'll see you all right.

You already have. And I should like
to say how very grateful I am.

I mean, you men have every right
to despise me. Especially you,
Fletch, since I sent you here.

But you've shown me only kindness
and compassion.

I feel a bond with you men.

I know it's been forged in adversity,
but I think it will remain with me
for the rest of my life.

Don't start that. Otherwise
we'll forget our scruples
and start liking you!

A few months ago, I wouldn't
so much as TALK to you.
Now I respect you.

I TRUST you. Do you mean that?

Most sincerely.

Just a minute.

All right!
Which one of you stole my watch?

WHAT?

My watch has gone.

What about all this sincere trust?
That was before you stole my watch!

You'd better back off, mate.
We don't rip each other off.
We're mates. We have a code.

Yes. But I'm still an outsider.
True. Give him his watch.

I'm not a petty thief.
Give him his watch, Warren.

I haven't got his naffing watch!

I only came for me letter...
Look, Judge, we trust each other.
Now, give him his watch, Fletch.

Talk to me like that, Godber,
and I'll...

Sorry! One should never make
accusations without firm evidence.

It never bothered the law before.
What?

I swear to you, my watch was there
before I went for a shower.
Aha! Harris. Harris!

How long was he here?
Long enough.

Well, come on then... Wait, wait!

He'll have stashed it by now.

BELL RINGS
Lock-up.

I'll have to go.

Should I not say anything?

No, Warren. Me and the Judge
will discuss the possibility
of further proceedings.

JUDGE RAWLEY:
We can't take the law
into our own hands!

I'll report the theft.
Look, in here we look after
our own, all right?

We're going to have a civilised
investigation, that's all.

And we happen to have
a guest judge.

What? You know your law, don't ya?

Me? Preside at the hearing?

A trial. Have we enough to go on?
Yeah. Harris's reputation.

Do we KNOW he's a known thief?

Don't ask. You might prejudice
your impartiality.

Innocent till proven guilty.
Of course.

The least I know about Harris,
the better.

Yes. He'd steal his Granny's
wintergreen!

Oops! Strike that from the record.

Are you going to prosecute?
Yeah.

Do you know about legal procedure?
I've been up enough times!

It's best to know which laws
you're breaking. I've had enough
first-hand experience of counsels.

My last one wasn't so bright -
as my presence here indicates!

As presiding judge at your trial,
I thought your counsel argued well
against impossible odds.

Godber!

I mean, he was a loser going in.
I don't mean the evidence...
I mean his attitude.

He sent me a letter in Brixton
when I was on remand.
I've still got it...

I always keep it by me
because I still can't believe it.

Remember, he sent me this 2 days
before the trial.

"My dear Fletcher,"

It's good, this.

"My staff and I shall work
with the utmost vigour in refuting
the charges against you.

"Investigators will unearth
evidence and testimony.

"Researchers will collate facts,
on which I shall build a defence,

"which will leave no stone
unturned, no avenue unexplored,

"and which will culminate
in your justifiable release.

"Meantime,
proceed with your escape plan."

I'm not happy
with these proceedings.

We're all in the nick.
Who's happy? Know what I mean?

Here's the accused. Is he under
escort? Yeah. Black Jock's got him
in a half-nelson!

Sit down.

Silence in court. What?

We are here to pursue justice -
and find you guilty!

Please!

What? None of us heard that.
Or if we did - forget it!

What is this?
You're guilty.
Of what?

A watch is missing -
and you are the suspect.

Why me? Otherwise it's us three!

No...aaagh!

I must protest.
Stay out of this, Your Honour.

We'll give you a fair trial.
We've got a judge with a long,
but slightly blemished, record.

We've got a witness. Who? Me!

I'm prosecuting. But you WILL
be defended - by Warren.

- Warren?
- What's wrong with that?

He's illiterate.
Shut up!

Can't I speak?
No!

If you're innocent, why worry?
I'm worried 'cos HE'S defending me!

I didn't offer. I don't LIKE you!

Did you hear that? He doesn't
have to like you to defend you.
Our counsels didn't like US.

Good point.
How do you plead? Guilty or...

Fletcher! Sorry. Be my guest...

Guilty or Not Guilty?
Not Guilty!

A liar as well as a thief, eh?

- Objection!
- Go on. What IS your objection?

I don't know.

Because he called me a liar!

No. We ALL know you're a liar!

We'll forget that remark.

This is getting out of hand.
I'll now call my one and only
witness for the prosecution -

Leonard Arthur Godber.

I promise to tell... Never mind!
Just give us your idea
of the events of last night.

Judge Rawley took his watch off
prior to going to the showers.

I was in our cell
making a model aeroplane.

Not so fast, Mr Godber.

Hurry up!

Harris came in, then Mr Fletcher
and the defending counsel came in,
and told the accused to naff off.

Which I did.
Yeah.

Then the watch was found missing!

Counsel for the Defence.

Warren.

- Do you wish to cross-examine?
- Pardon?

Do you wish to ask questions?

I were there. I know what happened.

This isn't justice! Aaaagh!

Let him speak.

Thank you, Judge.

Well, you know as well as I do,
that this is a mockery!

They all know it's only hearsay.
Where your proof? The evidence?

ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT

I agree with him. One man's word
against another's does not
constitute legal evidence.

This case would not stand up
in a Court of Law -

upon which these proceedings
are supposedly modelled.

In the absence of evidence,
I am forced to dismiss the accused.

Thank you.

Hang about! Whose side are you on?

I'm sorry, Fletcher,
YOU insisted on a proper enquiry.

Eh, Judge,
would a signed confession help?

Do we have one?

I'll soon get one!
Help!

Now... Stay out of this,
Your Honour.

We don't want any trouble, do we?

Just go and get the watch back
from wherever you stashed it.

If you don't, the consequences
are too dire to contemplate!

Am I definitely Not Guilty? Yes.

All right, I'll go and get it. See!

Aye, aye! Hello, Fletch.

Finished! Nice!
How're you going to get it
into the bottle?

I'm going to hang it up.

When I was a lad, me dad
used to make planes for me.

That's how I knew what shape
to make this - me dad told me.

Pity he didn't tell you what shape
Rita Hayworth was!

He didn't talk about women.
He wasn't a bit, you know...?

Like "Who's pinched me lino?"

He didn't know they existed.
Where's the Judge?

He was called to see the Governor.

What about? We'll have to wait.

Think he'll tell about our court?

No. He knows that we look after
our own. AND he got
his watch back.

Ah, I'm glad you're both here.

I wanted to thank you and tell you
that I realise that a lot
of what you say is true.

There is one law for the oppressed,
and another for the powerful.

The poor suffer, while the rich
get off with clever lawyers.

I shall remember that when I leave.

Which won't be for some time!
No! I'm going out TONIGHT.

Going out? Yes.
Your appeal's come through?

Certainly. I AM rich and powerful.
I HAVE clever lawyers.

Owwww!

Right, men! Fletcher, Godber...

The Governor has kindly allowed
Mr Rowley to bid you farewell.
It's MISTER now.

Yes. The appeal court judges
cleared him...

and they are men of the highest
integrity. He's one of them!

Precisely! And he's innocent -
which proves my point! Hey...

Get out of that!
As brief as possible, please.

Well, gentlemen,
I just wanted to say goodbye,
and to promise you something.

Whatever I can do to improve
the system, I shall do.

It's been a frightening experience,
but thanks to you, a rewarding one.
You got a break...

We don't hold that against you.
Thank you.

Behave yourself.
We don't want to see you back!

Goodbye, Bunny...Jock.

There's just one more thing.

Fletch, I'd like you to have this.

No. There's no need for that.

Only reason we're allowed watches
is so we see how slowly time goes.

You could trade it. It's valuable.

Well, thanks very much, then!

Time's up, Mr Rowley.
Mustn't keep the driver waiting.
He'll be wanting his tea.

Well, once again,
goodbye...my friends.

When we get out,
we'll come and visit you.

Yeah! Bring our wives to meet
YOUR wife.

Really?

CHORUS OF "YES"
That'll be...awfully...nice.

Off he goes - free as a bird.

And free to find himself a bird!
While we stay here vegetating.

True. But I think we've all gained
something as a result of his stay.
YOU have. You've gained his watch.

The trial was a waste of time.
Not in MY case, Bunny.
In MY case, I have gained time!

In the shape of this genuine,
17-jewelled, gold-plated watch...

Hang on! Where's that Harris?
There's no bleedin' works in it!