Original subtitles

I've got a bad feeling about this entire episode. Well, give it a chance.

Is he even qualified to build weaponry?

If he's an evil genius, where's his bumbling assistant?

-Jeffrey! -Yeah?

-Oh, good choice! -Nailed it.

Add this to the infusion chamber. At once, Master!

I lost it.

Fail me and I will not rest until... I will not fail you!

At Yondertech I was head and shoulder above my class.

Shoulders!

All that remains is to transfer the life force.

Do it!

Are you sure you don't want to use the donor?

There could be side effects and he agreed to give his life if necessary.

No, I didn't! You signed a contract!

I thought I was buying a phone. Uh-huh.

Proceed as planned! If I give it life, it will obey me without question.

My sister will take her place by my side, as the prophecy demands

or Yonderland will burn!

Jeffrey, throw the switch!

Oh! Do I have to do everything?

Transferring the life force now!

SHE SCREAMS

Arrgh! Jeffrey!

Come and put your fingerprints -on this. -OK.

No. SHE GASPS

Thanks Gods!

THEY GASP Your Eminence - look!

It lives!

Demons, deliver my ultimatum to the Elders.

I am your creator. You will respond only to my command.

Affirmative.

Where did you say this market was, then?

Don't know. The fella definitely said you go left, then right,

left, right, left, right...

Oh, no, that's just walking, -isn't it? -Great. So now we're lost.

And I'll tell you something else and all. I ain't half thirsty.

I wish we had some water.

Well, they did say there'd be some localised rain, like.

Aye. They weren't joking, were they?

I wish we were dry.

FAN BLOWS

Dry as a bone.

Hey, Gaz. It's only a blooming wishing tree!

Oh, we should go and tell the Elders about this.

Yeah, we should definitely go and tell the Elders

but maybe we should just have one more each, yeah,

just while we're here, you know?

Aye. Well, maybe just one more, like,

cos one more wish each can't hurt, can it?

And you only had one each?

Oh, yeah, definitely, yeah. Oh, aye, just the one, maybe one and a half,

but I said to this fella, we best not take the mickey, you know.

You know, about ten year, like. Metro Centre.

Well, that seems clear enough.

A wishing tree! Anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

-Is it about robes? -No.

A little day trip? Oh, no! Those don't end well.

Because if you're naughty on the Naughty Step, you put me and your mum in a very difficult position.

But I don't want to go to sleep! Come on!

I want you upstairs... Phew! He hangs around, doesn't he?

Er, sorry, can I just check - you do know what "day off" means?

Oh. There's trouble in the east. Imperatrix?

No. In a word - fruit.

The pipplefruit. Looks like a crapple, doesn't it?

I don't know and I don't care.

I'm staying in with Pete tonight, unless it's a matter of life and death.

-Which fruit isn't. -It can be.

You see, every pipplefruit you bite into grants one wish.

Legend has it, the last tree they found destroyed an entire race -

the buried city of Packanichi.

Now the elders want to see the tree and you know what they're like.

All right. All right. Two minutes!

I'll have you back in one.

Actually, make it two - there's a hill.

All right.

-NEIL: -Well, here we are. KNOCKING

JEFF: Hello? ECHOING

Who's that? ECHOING

No, I asked first!

-Jeff, that's an echo. -Oh. No-one's in. I'll leave a note.

"Imperatrix has weapon. Surrender Debbie in one hour

"or Yonderland will be ani...

"annili...

"Blown up"

There! Just pop it under the door and job's done.

EVIL LAUGHTER

-Oh, wow! -Oh, goodness gracious. Oh me, oh my!

Look at all those wishes! So what do we do now?

-Ten each?Yes!Yes. -We could load the fruit onto the truck.

But there's only so many fruit! I've had an idea.

We'll use the first pipplefruit to wish for a quillion more pipplefruit!

-That's it!Yes! -Brilliant! That's why your my favourite.

I wish for a quillion more... Packanichi! Packanichi!

Bless you. No! The buried city.

That must be what they wished for. Of course!

They buried themselves in a quillion pipplefruits.

The short-sighted fools!

But you were the one who just about... Pep, pep, pep...

I've got to go. This is an easy one - don't touch it. Don't go anywhere near it.

Have it fenced off or something.

Great idea. I wish for a fence. No!

THEY GASP No! What did I just say?! This is a slippery slope.

Is it? Seems OK to me. No - this is a slippery slope.

-Ah! -No more wishes, OK?

Another disaster averted. Where would we be without our Debbie, eh, Trev?

CRUNCHING Oh, yes. You said it.

Trevor!! GASPING

Oh, that is so unfair!

SMOKE ALARM BLEEPING

Debbie? It's fine! I've got it.

It was beeping for ages! I thought you'd hurt yourself.

I'm sorry - I was in another world. No, it's fine.

In fact I like it when the cheese goes all...black.

Mum? Is there another fire? -I'll go. -No, no, no, don't worry.

I'll get him off to sleep. I'll finish that story.

I'm doing the giants as Brian Blessed,

Fee fi fo fum etcetera.

Well? Have they surrendered Maddox?

No response from the Elders, your eminence.

But time is up! They think I'm bluffing.

We need to demonstrate the power of my creation. Igor! Is it armed?

Enough charges to blow up Yonderland ten times over!

Jeffrey was in charge of decimal points, so...

You will go to Yonderland and destroy the Council of Elders.

Must be a loose bracket or something.

There. I guarantee that will not come down.

Pick that up.

Negative.

But look at the bone structure! ALL TALKING

Sh, sh, sh! Why don't we just have one each, just to even things up.

But I'm happy as I am.

I suppose I'd wish for slightly longer eyelashes.

Oh!

Oh, and I want to be a woman.

Hey! One each!

Who made you king of the Elders? Ah, that's a good idea!

I wish I was King of the Elders.

-ALL: -Long live the King!

Oh, well, I wish I was completely the best and made of gold!

Oh, I didn't think that through.

-Oh! -Are you all right, mate?

Negative. Negative. Negative. It's stopped taking commands! Negative.

-Reboot the system! -I'm trying!

Troubleshooting...

Stop! I am your master and you will obey!

Negative!

Its charges are primed! It could destroy the entire realm!

Track its position. After it, you fools!

Quickly now!

Are we there yet? No, Jeff. As per seven seconds ago!

I hate the new lair. It's miles from anywhere and she's not him.

RUMBLING NOISE Oh! Oh, I must be hungry.

I don't think that's your tummy.

CROWD SCREAMING Run for your lives!

Man down! Man down!

The weapon! It's loose!

Don't worry. I'm sure Her Eminence has this all under control.

Halt! After it!

OK - possibly not. Well, what do we do now?!

Well, there's always...

KNOCKING

What?

Huh! Negatus? I don't know no Negatus.

OK, well, thanks for your time.

No, Jeff. He means he's a different person now.

Oh! Got it.

So where's Negatus? I'm Negatus, you cretin!

What do you want? It's Imperatrix.

She built a weapon to blackmail Debbie into some sort of pact

so she can fulfil the prophecy and take over the realm.

But it's gone rouge. -Rogue! -Rogue!

Yeah and if nobody stops it, it will destroy everything.

-I don't care. -Including you. It must be stopped!

If I have to be the one to do it and take all the credit and glory,

then I'll bite that bullet.

Count me in! CHEERING

So what's the plan? I'll think of something on the way!

This is what you need in a crisis - someone who's calm, level-headed...

Hold on... Calm! Level-headed. Good in a crisis...

-Debbie! -Debbie! James McAvoy!

Debbie!

DRAMATIC NEWS THEME

Hello. I'm Huey Lewis and this is the news.

Chaos today in the Void of Kelvin,

where the discovery of a pipplefruit tree has seen

the usual grace, wisdom and composure of the Twelve Elders

descend into a kind of anarchic free-for-all.

I'm joined by an eyewitness, though, sadly, one without a mouth.

Well, don't...

What is clear is were it not for this fortuitous fencing,

there would be an awful lot of wishes

in the hands of a crazed, braying mob.

CROWD GOES SILENT

CROWD SHOUTING Argh!

It's all right, we'll just avoid the edges.

And the middle.

Do you remember Ilfracombe? Oh, my God. That caravan.

Me with a twin on each boob and you trying to fry a Fray Bentos.

It was fun, though. I mean, it was an endless living hell

but it felt like...

I dunno. An adventure.

Just the four of us and a chemical loo.

No distractions, nowhere to be. Do you know what I mean?

-Mm. -Cos just lately it feels like things are getting in the way.

We never get a chance to finish...

Dad! Ben's being Superman!

Just hold that thought. I'm not going anywhere.

Elf! Unless your entire world is on the verge of destruction, not now!

I wouldn't go that far but one of the Elders is technically dead.

Oh!

Nope. He's gone. So the question is, bury him or pawn him?

Get away from it! Stop! Everyone! Just stop!

Listen! She's the Chosen One! Mmm, wish I was the Chosen One.

Don't you dare! Is this the last one?

No. There's one up there.

But there were dozens. All those wishes and what good have they done?

They've just made you turn on each other.

ALL: Sorry, Debbie.

Don't apologise to me. You should be apologising to each other.

ALL: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

He'd climbed out of bed and was using his duvet cover as...

Debbie?

Well, where's she gone?

Honestly. I just wish I knew what was going on around here.

CROWD SHOUTING I can't just call you Elf.

-Your Majesty, hello. -Hello.

Bob, right? No offence, but you've been a right pain in the knots.

Nick. Yonderland.

She's the Chosen One.

This is... Oh, this is...

Amazing!

Ben! Hayley! Put your coats on! We're going on an adventure!

ALL: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. All done?

Now, I wish to undo all previous wishes.

Oh! Oh! That's better.

Speak for yourself!

I miss them already.

What is it? Where are we going? Nowhere!

-Why are you up? -I thought we were going on an adventure.

Halt! Weapons online.

Deactivate weapons. Aiming long-range blaster.

At what? At me?

Target acquired.

You wouldn't dare.

Well, we finally did it, Mr Havelock.

Indeed we have,

Mrs Havelock. SHE GASPS

-Rachel!Oh! -And tonight, we shall finally...

Oh, you've got to be kidding me!

And with the last one, we'll wish for world peace.

-Oh, that is wonderful! -Of course! Of course!

Honestly! Why does everything in this world have to turn into some big drama?

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about!

Debbie of Maddox! We need your help.

Come with me - there's no time to explain!

All right, I'll explain a bit.

Imperatrix built a massive weapon to blackmail you into an alliance

and now it's gone nuts and it's going to destroy the entire realm.

-We need you. -Nice try.

-Come on. -Wait!

What do you know me to be, above all else?

A spineless coward.

I don't want to die.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch the... Who are you?

There they are! Now, the one on the left is the... Yeah, I think I've got it.

I said, go to sleep mode! Negative.

Do as I command! Go to sleep! Don't want to.

Hang on, I know what this is!

Debbie! You can't go to her. What about the prophecy?

You could be handing her Yonderland on a plate,

if not the whole realm on an even bigger plate.

If I don't stop this thing, there won't be a realm.

It's OK. I know what I'm doing...

Sort of. I said go to sleep mode!

I don't want to go to sleep mode. They never do.

You came.

To join me! No. To help you.

I don't need your help. Aiming cannon!

Well, it doesn't look that way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hi, my name's Debbie.

Deb...bie.

Looks, like you've had a busy day for your first one.

And what happens when you've had a busy day is you need to go to sleep mode,

so you've got energy for the next day. Do you understand?

You are not my creator. Initialising realm annihilator!

So this is how it ends. It thinks you're its mother!

Don't be absurd! It's just a machi...

My life force. It has my life force! Preparing to detonate.

One kiss from you, Rita, and I could face death with...

-Dream on. -Oh! -Talk to it. Calm it down! -How?!

Detonation in five... Tell it a story.

Fiction is the refuge of the weak! That's not helpful!..four...

-I'll give you a kiss. -No!

Well, maybe if they get to one.

Come on! You have to try!..three...

Sorry about all the torture. Hey, we're all just doing our jobs.

Sing to it! A lullaby! I crush realms and oppress the masses.

I do not know lullabies!

Well, think of something! ..two...

-What are you doing? -Nothing.

You're the best stick I've ever owned. I thought I owned you!

One!

Hush...

♪ Now little ones

♪ Don't you cry

♪ Hush my babies,

♪ Close your eyes

♪ Hush, my darlings

♪ Don't you weep

♪ Daddy loves you

♪ Time to sleep. ♪

ELF: It worked. It's asleep!

I'd forgotten that song.

All my life alone

and now here you are.

My sister.

Finally, we can rule this realm as fate has...

No! This is our great union! Not to rule the realm - to save it.

Together. The second age is a time for peace.

SHE LAUGHS

You foolish girl. How can we be united in peace, when I want war?!

No. Fate has more in store for you and I.

But I want peace.

So how does this...

..end? What's happening to me?

You're linked. It's the life-force.

No! I have so much more to do!

You've done enough.

Get in!

Get right in! Whoo!

What's the matter?

Never seen a promotion before?

-Where'd he get that from? -Sh!

Demons! I do believe an empire just became available.

Well, come on, then! Oh, OK.

ELF: I can't believe she's gone.

-Phew! -Where you been? Just out there, getting a signal.

One of the NCT girls is moving to America,

so I was just saying goodbye.

Oh. You OK?

Yeah. I didn't like her that much.

♪ Ta-dah! ♪

Pain au fromage with a Worcestershire jus.

Sit, sit!

I'm sorry about dinner, Pete. No, no, listen.

I know I've been acting a bit weird. No... No. Let me finish.

First it was the rats, then it was the ghosts,

then I thought that you were seeing someone else.

-What? -I know it sounds mad.

I just knew that something wasn't right.

But now I know what's going on.

Nothing. At all.

I mean I go to work and the kids go to school and you're stuck here.

It was something Ben said, actually, that made me realise

that what we need is an adventure.

A fresh start. So I was thinking...

We should move. Let's go somewhere new.

CROWDS CHEERING

Hey, if I'd have known peace was going to be this noisy

I might have picked the other side. Oh, don't be such a grumpy Gus.

-What? -Huh?

Debbie just saved the realm! I might have a sherry.

Well, saved it for now.

But who knows what dark forces might rush in

to fill the void left by Imperatrix.

Come, come. Such talk is for tomorrow.

Today is a time to cast off our worries.

Oh! No, not worries. What's the word I'm looking for?

He's right. Let's just be grateful that Yonderland is still here

and we still have our Chosen One.

Because, for one awful moment,

I really thought that this might be the...

Subtitles by Ericsson

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