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HEAVY BREATHING
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GROWL HE SCREAMS
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Far, far ago,
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the ancients wrote upon the scrolls
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that dark forces
would sweep our realm,
6
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until only Yonderland remained.
7
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But they telled, also, of a saviour,
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come from a distant world,
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to save us from the shadows.
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So, that's nice.
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INDISTINCT CHAT
12
00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,320
Seriously - mushrooms?
13
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Precisely. Mushrooms.
14
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What's so special about mushrooms?
15
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Are they magic in some way?
16
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,440
No, nothing like that.
17
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It's just they're the only
thing the fahl will eat,
18
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,440
which is slightly problematic
given the small issue
19
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of the TERRIFYING MONSTER!
20
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,400
-Sorry.
-Hang on. Back up.
21
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,920
THEY GASP
It's been six months, I sat down.
22
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,160
Now, sorry, Mayor -
but what is a fahl?
23
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This is a fahl.
24
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-Can it breathe in there?
-No, no.
This is a recording of a fahl.
25
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Two in fact - a breeding pair.
26
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WHISTLED LULLABY PLAYS
27
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The one we care for is
the last of their kind.
28
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:35,880
Years ago, many hundreds
roamed the Starflower Woods -
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00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,520
but, alas, their song is no more.
30
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What happened?
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00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,360
Alas, they were delicious
32
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,000
and, alas, we ate them all.
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You ate them?
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00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,080
By the time we saw
the error of our ways,
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00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:47,800
we'd already all
but wiped them out -
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00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:50,560
the poor, succulent wretches.
37
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,680
Which is why we now
care so diligently
38
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,160
for the one that remains.
39
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:55,200
And he'll only eat...
40
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,560
The mushrooms from the forest,
41
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which you can't get because of...
THE TERRIFYING MONSTER!
42
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,320
All right, Red Riding Hood.
43
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,360
SHE LAUGHS
44
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,640
I'll bring in the book.
45
00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,280
There had always been stories
of a creature in the woods,
46
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,320
but no-one had ever seen it.
47
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:10,480
Until now.
48
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:15,160
And if it's not stopped,
the last fahl will surely die.
49
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,720
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
50
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HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH
51
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:25,280
You all know me.
52
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,960
You know how I earn a living.
53
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:29,680
THEY MURMUR IN DISAGREEMENT
Nope.
54
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:31,920
I'm a hunter. Hunt stuff.
55
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Hunt things.
56
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:34,880
I'll catch this monster for you -
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and it'll be cheap
cos I've just reduced my prices.
58
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:39,680
74.99.
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00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:42,680
For that, you get the head,
the middle...
60
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:44,680
but I keep the bum -
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00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,240
for reasons of my own.
62
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,760
Great. Let's send that guy.
63
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,200
Now, lunch.
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00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,720
Whoa, whoa. We're talking
about the possible extinction
65
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,200
of an entire species,
and you're going to send that guy?
66
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,520
He's clearly not all there -
he collects bums.
67
00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,800
And stamps, but no-one ever goes
on about the stamps, do they?
68
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,600
Debbie, Mr...
69
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,760
is a monster hunter
and we have a monster.
70
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,680
Surely you can see the logic.
71
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,840
Though, of course, you could
accompany him if you wish.
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00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,080
THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT
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00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,360
Fine. OK, I'll go.
74
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,760
But if he kills me in the woods,
75
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:19,120
my bum-less corpse is going to
come back and haunt you all.
76
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,320
Vivid image.
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00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:27,480
FOOTSTEPS
78
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:31,920
THUD
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00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,560
THUDS CONTINUE
80
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:44,760
BANGING AND BUZZING
81
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,240
THEY SCREAM
82
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,360
Dad! What the hell are you doing?
83
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,240
I've come round to fix your light...
84
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,320
like I said I would.
85
00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:52,760
Yeah, in June!
86
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,960
Dad, you can't just break
into people's houses
87
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,400
and start fixing stuff.
88
00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:57,800
Well, I thought you were at work.
89
00:03:57,840 --> 00:03:59,480
Mum said she texted you.
90
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:03,800
Oh, what... Do you mean the
"Cad connin locket lig howru"?
91
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,680
I haven't had chance to send
that one to Bletchley yet.
92
00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:10,200
"Dad coming to look at light.
How are you?"
93
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:11,800
Oh.
94
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:13,120
Why are you here?
95
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,480
The servers are down,
so I'm working from home.
96
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,560
No Debbie...again?
97
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,880
Well, she's at flute-making class.
98
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:21,040
She play the flute?
99
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,280
No, she hasn't made one yet.
100
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,840
Dad, when you think
you're not saying stuff, you are.
101
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,240
I'm just saying
she's a very pretty girl.
102
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,280
It'd do no harm
to keep your eyes open -
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00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:35,520
make sure she isn't hanging around
with any strange men.
104
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:40,920
Dad, I can assure you my wife is not
"hanging around with strange men."
105
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,400
This way...
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00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,160
Come, come. The Fahl really is
the most wonderful creature -
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00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,960
charming, erudite,
and quietly dignified.
108
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,640
Mushrooms! Where are my mushrooms?!
109
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,520
Not always that quietly.
110
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:54,680
This way.
111
00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,040
Oh, here he comes. Finally, yeah.
112
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,480
Honestly, you people make me sick!
113
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,600
I only ask for the simple things
in life - food, water,
114
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,440
move that mountain
out of my sun, but no.
115
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,280
You never fail to disappoint me.
116
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:08,840
Charming, isn't he?
117
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:09,960
Honest answer?
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00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,880
Right, let's get this over with.
119
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,920
Hey! Whoa, whoa. No.
120
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,320
That's not the monster.
121
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:16,640
That's the last fahl.
122
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,760
Yeah, I'm important,
so where are my mushrooms?
123
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:22,760
I'm afraid the slight delay has
become fractionally less slight.
124
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,080
Now, what I was thinking...
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00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,760
What I was thinking is, I'm going
to stop breathing right now.
126
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,920
-I'm going to do it.
-No.
I'm going to do it right now!
127
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,640
-Doing it.
-No!
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00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:31,960
No. Stop.
129
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,520
Where are the musicians?
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00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:34,960
With the fahl's song silenced,
131
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,840
we must now soothe his blessed
and wondrous mood swings
132
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,480
with music of our own.
133
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,400
Uplifting Tune 6B. Go!
134
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,160
THEY PLAY TERRIBLY
135
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,560
Argh! I will pay you
to make them stop.
136
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,440
If I had ears, I'd rip them off -
137
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:50,760
if I had hands.
138
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,000
It's just a little slow,
139
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,600
it's better when it is faster -
140
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,240
and louder, LOUDER!
141
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:59,160
THEY CONTINUE TO PLAY BADLY
142
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,600
No, no. Stop!
You're killing all the birds!
143
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:02,880
Coincidence!
144
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,040
Oh, Elf!
145
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:07,640
All right, I'm breathing again -
just make them stop the music.
146
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,600
-He is soothed.
-Are you all right?
147
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:12,880
Oh, this reminds me of the
last time I got hit by a dead bird.
148
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:18,040
Not your best story.
But you can see the similarity.
149
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,120
Can everyone stop talking except me,
please?
150
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,840
Tell these people to go
and find me my some mushrooms.
151
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,640
And a shawl, I want a shawl.
152
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:26,680
And a painting of a horse.
153
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,040
But wearing a hat.
154
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,800
Are you sure we can't kill it?
155
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,680
No, no. Please, please, please.
156
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,920
Look, I know his beauty
and wonder takes on many forms,
157
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,600
most of them neither
beautiful nor wondrous,
158
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,640
but it was us who made him this way
when we robbed him of his kin.
159
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,720
We can't let the last of them die.
160
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:45,600
How will we live with ourselves?
161
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,200
Mayor, he may be a total... Yeah.
162
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:53,920
Annoying, but I promise
I won't let anybody kill him.
163
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,760
LOUD SCREECHING
164
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,120
We've got bigger fish to fry.
165
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,960
It's a fish? How big?
166
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,160
Cos I've got a boat,
but it's a bit on the small side.
167
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,200
SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS
168
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,640
HE WHIMPERS
169
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,360
HE SCREAMS
170
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,080
Your Darkness, are you OK?
171
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,480
Yeah. It's just the nightmares.
172
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,760
I'm not having any and I can't
seem to sleep without them.
173
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,120
Anything we can do? Glass of milk?
174
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,600
-Cuddle?
-No.
175
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:25,960
No!
176
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,400
It's Imperatrix.
177
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,240
What is she up to?
178
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:34,440
Where has she gone?
179
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,400
You do know we had that
window bricked up?
180
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,600
Yeah, I find it strangely inspiring.
181
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,520
My worry is that, in her absence,
182
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,880
Yonderland could get
caught in a power vacuum.
183
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:47,360
Oh, that happened to me once -
very painful.
184
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,800
No, Jeffery,
that was a vacuum cleaner
185
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,920
and I told you not
to put it in there.
186
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,160
A power vacuum is when
there's nobody in charge,
187
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,880
meaning that any old idiot
could seize power and...
188
00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,600
Hang on!
189
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,640
I could be that idiot.
190
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:05,240
Demons!
191
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,280
Find out everything you
can about staging a coup,
192
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,000
starting with how you spell it,
193
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,600
cos I think there's a P
somewhere you're not expecting.
194
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,560
-Oh!
-Oh, you're slowing me down,
Debbie.
195
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,880
Me? You just had a six-minute wee!
196
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,800
Listen, lassie, hunting
isn't for the likes of you.
197
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,320
It's dirty work. You don't
want to see what I've seen.
198
00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:31,640
Even I don't want to see what
I've seen and I've seen it.
199
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:32,920
Why? What have you seen?
200
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,320
I almost slew the
Lake Pig of Hildergwen.
201
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:38,280
I came this close to
a gruff-kneed sand-biter.
202
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,920
And the Nearlyhorse of Nezzleborough
203
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,840
very nearly wasn't
a nearlyhorse any more.
204
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:43,640
"Almost?" "Nearly?"
205
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,640
Are you sure you've actually
killed a monster?
206
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,440
Oh, that's not the point!
SCREECHING
207
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,640
Not now, Kenneth,
I'm trying to have an argument.
208
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:53,000
The point is -
you've got city hands now.
209
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,280
You've been raising children
all your life.
210
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,680
They might be good for
patting heads and cleaning bums,
211
00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,880
but out here, you need a hand
you can strike a match on
212
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:02,360
or karate chop
the top off a can of beans.
213
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,320
A hand that,
when the grit hits the fan,
214
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,720
is not afraid to put one finger up
in the air and say - MONSTER!
215
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,480
Squint? SQUINT!
MONSTER ROARS
216
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,640
Yeah, that was a long shot.
217
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,040
MONSTER ROARS
218
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,800
KENNETH SCREECHES
219
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,680
I can explain.
220
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,280
They just kept hunting
till I was the only one left.
221
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,920
I knew I'd stand a chance if
I could keep them out of the woods
222
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,480
and there had always been
rumours of monsters, so...
223
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,000
Well, that makes sense,
which is rare around here.
224
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,480
Sorry if I scared you.
225
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,040
Hey, no-one was scared.
226
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,280
The official story is,
"No-one was scared."
227
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,760
If I could promise that
no-one was going to hurt you,
228
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,560
would you come to
the village with me?
229
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,760
There's somebody you need to meet.
230
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,360
Why is this cushion so red?
231
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,560
And why is that river so loud?
232
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,160
Cos you made us move it closer.
233
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,760
Then move it back.
234
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,480
Fahl, this is Fahleen.
235
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,440
Go on, it's OK.
236
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,360
THEY SNORT
237
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,800
Oh, you smell disgusting!
238
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:32,960
So...
239
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,280
what does every cruel
and oppressive dictatorship
240
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,520
throughout history have in common?
241
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,360
A loyal military force?
242
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,280
Methodical plan for expansion?
243
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,200
-Hmm.
-Jam?
244
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:46,840
No. Worth writing those
down though, somebody.
245
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,400
Apart from jam.
246
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,400
The correct answer is...branding.
247
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:52,960
Like they do to cattle?
248
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,480
No, I mean a logo.
249
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,760
Though I could brand you
with the logo.
250
00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,040
I'll come back to that.
251
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,120
My point is, every decent
despot throughout history
252
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,200
has a memorable insignia.
253
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,760
You've got your hammer and wimple,
254
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,320
you've got your Panini sticker and,
255
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:11,440
of course, the famous
platinum arches of Roald McDahl...
256
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,920
Now there's a guy who knew
how to deal with burglars.
257
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,760
..but today,
a new chapter will be written
258
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,960
in the history chapter of the book.
259
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,680
The history book. Books.
260
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,000
For henceforth, from this moment,
261
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:27,080
those forces loyal to my noble cause
262
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,600
shall march under this flag.
263
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,240
Any thoughts?
264
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:35,800
Uh...
265
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,080
She stinks!
266
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,160
This is what fahls are supposed to
smell like, you perfumed pillock.
267
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,000
Can't you see
that this is a miracle?
268
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,560
This blessed union
could save your entire race
269
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:48,000
and see you, once again,
make sweet, sweet music together.
270
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,160
In every sense.
You're joking, aren't you?
271
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,080
There's nothing miraculous
about that.
272
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,400
First thing, eyebrows -
they don't meet.
273
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,120
Second thing, no beard.
274
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,560
And thirdly, she's got
a figure like an hourglass.
275
00:11:58,600 --> 00:11:59,840
It makes me sick!
276
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,280
I can't listen
to this voice any longer.
277
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:03,680
The feeling's mutual.
278
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,600
Yes, time out, good idea.
Let's all just...
279
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,280
Well, they're not exactly
made for each other.
280
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,800
WHISTLED LULLABY
281
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,680
Or are they?
282
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,560
I've had an electrician out.
283
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,280
Oh, they don't know
what they're doing.
284
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,520
Says the man whose toolkit
is a Tesco bag full of hammers.
285
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:29,320
Dad, does this cupboard
seem OK to you?
286
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,480
Well, there's a crack
above the door,
287
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,480
I could chip away
some plaster and see what...
288
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,080
No, no, no, I mean...
Does it feel weird to you?
289
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,720
Have you ever heard of...
290
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,240
projection?
291
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:43,040
It's one of the words I know, yes.
292
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,360
There's a theory, your mother
keeps going on about it.
293
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,360
It's where you take your
feelings about one thing and
294
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,760
PROJECT them onto something else.
295
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,120
Apparently, it's why I buy big cars.
296
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,640
You don't know what
you're talking about.
297
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,440
First it was rats,
298
00:12:58,480 --> 00:12:59,960
then it was a ghost,
299
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,200
and then you're getting
all het up over some shoe
300
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,400
and now you reckon
you've got a weird cupboard.
301
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:11,440
All the while, your wife
keeps disappearing off somewhere.
302
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,840
You think my wife is
disappearing into the cupboard?
303
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,200
Of course not.
304
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:19,360
No, I think maybe you're
taking your feelings about Debbie
305
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,360
and projecting them
onto other things...
306
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,720
like the cupboard.
307
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,480
Dad, for the last time,
308
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,120
I am not worried about Debbie!
NIGEL SCOFFS
309
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,480
She somehow managed
to juggle raising twins
310
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,680
with having some sort of
semblance of a social life,
311
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,800
and today she's learning
how to makes flutes.
312
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,120
Just like when your
mother learnt Spanish?
313
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,560
I didn't know Mum learnt Spanish.
314
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,720
She didn't,
she was having an affair.
315
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:42,840
Mum had an affair?!
316
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:43,960
Well...
317
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,480
no, she fancied the teacher.
318
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,320
-That is not the same thing!
-Fine.
319
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,000
Why listen to the wisdom
of an old man
320
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,760
when you're perfectly
happy living in the dark?
321
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,240
Irony.
322
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:58,960
LOUD BANGING
323
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,320
Ooh! Are they...?
324
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,680
-No, they're fighting.
-Get off.
325
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,360
Right, everyone, I've had an idea.
326
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,040
Clearly, the fahls aren't going
to fall in love with each other
327
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,320
stuck in there with everyone
-watching.
-Good point.
328
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,640
Everyone close their eyes.
329
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,840
No, they need to be
in their natural habitat.
330
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,840
So, I suggest that they go and
spend a night together in the woods,
331
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,680
so that they can...get to
know each other.
332
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:18,880
Excellent idea!
333
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:21,040
Play the excellent idea song.
334
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,520
BAND PLAYS TERRIBLY
335
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,040
I am not spending a night anywhere
with that spoilt pig!
336
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,840
If she touched me, I'd be sick all
-down my legs.
-OK. OK. Just relax.
337
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,440
Look, it's obvious that you two
aren't going to get together
338
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,880
in a quillion years, but they're
not going to accept that
339
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,600
so we'll pretend that you're
staying the night in the woods,
340
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,920
then we'll say that you
got eaten by somebody
341
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,680
so you can go back
and live in the woods.
342
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,360
Then you can come back
and live in here,
343
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,320
and you never have
to see each other again.
344
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,400
Brilliant.
345
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,760
Good. It's the first thing
you've agreed on all day.
346
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,680
I said it first!
What? No, you didn't!
347
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,840
Yeah, I did. Why are you
always going on about it?
348
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,920
Oh, keep up, you fat lump.
349
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,520
You what? I was voted
Village's Sexiest Fahl
350
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,600
three years in a row, you know.
351
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:00,200
You were the only fahl.
352
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,360
Coincidence!
353
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,520
This is far enough.
354
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,320
You go back that way,
I'll go this way. Have a nice life.
355
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,360
I intend to.
FOOTSTEPS
356
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,080
What was that?
HEAVY SNORTING
357
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,960
--Shh.
-Shh.
-Shh.
358
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,400
(Shut up.)We should go back.
359
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,680
We should hide in there
for the night.
360
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,120
What, me in there with you?
361
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,440
You must be joking. I'd rather die.
362
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,960
Great. Well, you can do
that there then. Bye.
363
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,560
Maybe I will.
364
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,360
MONSTER ROARS
365
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,720
Wait for me!
366
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:37,960
SNORTING AND GRUNTING CONTINUES
367
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:41,080
Right, I think that's enough.
368
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:43,320
Now we just wait till it's dark.
369
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,240
Well, I've had to sell
everything I owned,
370
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,320
but we now have a war chest.
371
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,760
-Yep.
-No money to put in it, sadly,
372
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,520
but we'll steal that as we go along.
373
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,680
The main thing is we have a plan.
374
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:56,800
So...
375
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,640
..here's Yonderland...
376
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,440
Smaller than I thought.
..or as it will now be known -
377
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,160
Negataland.
378
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,280
--Sexy.
-Catchy.
-Why's that?
379
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,760
These are the major villages
and arterial roads plus,
380
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,440
of course, major rivers and dams.
381
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:16,240
Now, we move from village
to village in this direction
382
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:23,040
till we reach here, at which point,
we establish a new capital -
383
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,480
Negatagrad.
384
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,080
And bingo!
385
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,320
Whoa, who the hell is that?
386
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,120
I dunno. But her mouth's weird.
387
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,680
Your mouth's weird.
388
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:34,800
Oh.
389
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,320
Oh, come on. You must know one knot?
390
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:38,880
Oh, I don't have to know, do I? Eh?
391
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,640
I got people to do stuff for me.
392
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,040
Don't you miss it -
393
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,400
being out in the wild?
394
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:46,200
Oh, yeah! That worked out well
for the others, didn't it?
395
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,880
I'm looked after perfectly
where I am, thank you very much.
396
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,840
I don't have to do anything.
397
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,480
Nothing at all.
398
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:58,000
Ow! One of your lice just bit me.
399
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,440
Just keep to your side
and keep your eyes to yourself.
400
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,040
Don't worry, I wouldn't look at you
401
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:03,960
if you were the last fahl
in the whole realm,
402
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,480
which I will now prove,
because you are. Goodnight!
403
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:09,080
Yeah, goodnight!
404
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,760
Good night, yeah? Is it, though?
405
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,240
No, because I'm in a cave.
406
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,560
ANGELIC CHORAL SINGING
Yeah.
407
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,680
SHE EXHALES
408
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,960
HE WHIMPERS
409
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,400
Wow.
410
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,200
MONSTER ROARS AND FAHLEEN SCREAMS
411
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,280
Fahleen!
412
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,280
Yeah, you go and get her, mate.
413
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,560
Ow!
414
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,840
Ow, there goes a rib!
415
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,800
Ow, there goes another rib.
416
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,120
You?!
417
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:15,560
What are you doing?
418
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:16,800
You know me.
419
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:18,840
You know what I do for a living.
420
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,200
Fahleen!
421
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:26,680
What are you doing?
422
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,480
She's been taken, go and get her!
423
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,400
-What are you doing here?
-Don't
change the subject. Go and help her!
424
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,600
-Why?
-Because you've
realised that you love her,
425
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,320
so you've going to go and rescue
her and live happily ever after!
426
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,880
What - and risk my life?
427
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,360
Have you gone insane?
428
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,680
Fine. Just forget it then.
Forget the whole thing.
429
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,480
Just go back to the village.
430
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,960
What about the monster?
There is no monster, you big coward.
431
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,800
-Are you sure?
-Read my lips -
432
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,560
there is no monster...
433
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,680
MONSTER ROAR
434
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:55,720
Oh, my God!
435
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,320
I'm coming, Fahl!
436
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:01,960
She didn't buy it.
437
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,640
But at least now I have some scars
I can make up some stories about.
438
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:06,880
Oh, no.
439
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,640
Oh, you're amazing.
440
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,760
Well, if you like
that kind of thing.
441
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,680
So, they're in love now then?
442
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,000
-Yeah.
-That was quick.
443
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,600
Nothing compared to
their gestation period.
444
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,160
I think this calls
for a celebration.
445
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,120
Celebratory Tune Number 16...
446
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,480
No, no, no.
447
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,680
Let's just leave the music
-to them from now on, yeah?
-OK.
448
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,600
Oh, thank God!
449
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,560
Come on, let's go.
450
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,360
Ladies and gentlemen. Mr Mayor.
451
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,360
Does anyone else
suddenly feel hungry?
452
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,680
THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT
453
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:12,360
This will teach old bossy boobs
to take her eye off the ball,
454
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,360
everything's in place.
455
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,120
Minions...
456
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:20,480
"Evil-Overlord"
is go!
457
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,600
THEY LAUGH
458
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,480
Oh, God, it's her.
459
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:26,920
Get that thing over here.
460
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:32,440
Your eminence,
what a relief to hear from you.
461
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:35,760
We were worried sick. How are you?
You look well.
462
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,880
SHE EXHALES
463
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,120
Right...
464
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,080
This isn't how it looks.
465
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,640
Yeah - we're pretty sure
there's no P in coup.
466
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,600
HE GROANS
467
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,080
Oh, nuts.
468
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:58,960
Is that you, Debs?
469
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,720
Hi, hun.
NIGEL CLEARS THROAT
470
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:07,560
Oh, hi, Nigel. How are you?
471
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:10,960
Where have you been?
472
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,400
I told you.
473
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:14,840
Oh, yeah - it was flute making,
wasn't it? That's right.
474
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,880
How was that?
How was all the flutes?
475
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,080
Make lots of flutes, did you?
Get lots of flutes made?
476
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,000
Erm... Just the one.
477
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,200
Oh.
478
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,480
SHE FAILS TO PLAY NOTE
479
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,800
It's my first day.
No, it's brilliant, Debs.
480
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,800
It's really good. It's excellent.
481
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,880
Anyway, I should probably...
482
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,560
Nigel, is he OK?
483
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,600
Just seems a bit...tense.
484
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,640
You know Peter,
he likes to worry about things...
485
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,920
Oh, I managed to...
486
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,240
-fix the light.
-Oh.
487
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,080
-Will you pass the hammer?
-Yeah.
488
00:21:57,120 --> 00:22:00,240
Demons, I now govern your servitude.
489
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:01,760
Could you use smaller words?
490
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:05,200
You will report to me at once
to assist with preparations.
491
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,600
For what, your eminence?
492
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,120
Genesis -
493
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,400
the birth of my creation.
494
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:22,040
If you were the last of your species
495
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,880
and have been affected by
any of the issues in this show,
496
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:28,800
please use our website for help,
information and advice.
497
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,640
Subtitles by Ericsson
498
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,680
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