Original subtitles

LIQUID BUBBLES

PIANO MUSIC

Lithium! Come and get it!

DOG WHIMPERS

Well, you're not getting anything else... Dumb cat.

Doorbell.

Well, who on earth is that at this time of night?

Yes?

-BOTH: -Congratulations, Dr Hirsch. You have won a mystery holiday.

Have I? Where to?

It's a mystery.

Please, put on the holiday hat.

Oh, it's a mystery.

And handcuffs.

Oh.

Far, far, ago the ancients wrote upon the scrolls that dark forces

would sweep our realm, until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour, come from a distant world,

to save us from the shadows and alike...

SHE YAWNS

Oh, you're setting me off.

I think I'm still catching up on all that sleep I lost

when we were haunted...

I mean, NOT haunted.

Pete. It's been nine days. There's been absolutely nothing.

I know, I know. It's all been very un-paranormal. Very normal.

Maybe the priest was a bit much.

If he even was a priest. He had a certificate!

With "church" spelt wrong.

Maybe not in the eyes of the Lord.

And you've got rid of all those books on the occult?

Yeah, I took them down the Cubs for their book sale.

So they might not raise the dead, but they may raise 50p!

YAWNING: I know, I'm very funny, you're a very lucky women.

Night.

Night.

HE SNORES QUIETLY

ALL MOAN AND GROAN

I can't believe you don't have coffee.

What if you need to pull an all-nighter?

We lick the scent glands of the sacred red bull...

And I thought that was an acquired taste.

I dunno - I'm getting to like it.

Look, this isn't exactly ideal for me, either.

I'm just trying to not totally freak out my husband.

-Bob. -Peter.

It's just easier if I come through at night for a while.

It's fine Deb-beh. Whatever suits you and Bob-Peter.

Peter. Bob-Peter-Peter.

Let's just get on with it, shall we?

Quite. Item five - Imperatrix.

She's been very quiet of late, which can mean only one thing...

SINISTER SCORE

That she's gone away and everything's fine now.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

Or she's busy plotting another way to take over the realm.

Pep, pep, pep. Moving on - item six - visitors.

Just the one today.

Commander Spink - says it's important.

Attention.

MILITARY DRUMS At ease, everybody.

No problem.

Not that much, old boy - I haven't had breakfast yet.

Commander Spink is our Head of Intelligence.

OK... Though you do use that term quite loosely.

Now, you're probably all wondering why I've gathered you here today.

ALL: No. Not really.

It concerns Imperatrix.

THEY MOAN

-See? -Lights!

We are here, in this building, looking at this map. Over here...

is the Union of People's Republic of Republik -

formerly Kissencuddlund, until Imperatrix seized control...

Now, we have a mole in the Imperial Guard.

Sorry, on an Imperial Guard.

Now, he has informed us that Imperatrix has kidnapped

Dr Theodore Hirsch and imprisoned him in a top-secret laboratory.

Who's Dr Hirsch?

He's Yonderland's greatest scientist, bar none.

No - Doctor Nun died.

Oh, well, then, he's Yonderland's greatest scientist.

Without Hirsch we wouldn't have particle physics,

atomic fission chips

Or the vibrating massage bench.

Oh, sweet chestnuts!

If anything, it's too much!!

So, what does Imperatrix want with him?

Best guess? She's building a brand-new weapon.

Or she's putting together a quiz team. But it's probably a weapon.

OK. So what are you gonna do?

Clearly, we need Hirsch back.

Your best bet is to cross the border south...

Whoa, whoa, whoa - me?

Look, I'm happy to get my hands dirty, but this is James Bond stuff.

Who's James Bondstuff? The husband.

No, that's Bob-Peter-Peter. Is it?

I mean, you need skilled people. Don't you have an army?

Yes... We don't have an army. Any more. Budget cuts...

The mysteriously named warlord... killed them all.

Then, it is decided. No, it's not.

You keep telling me to steer clear of my sister

and now you're going to send me to her...secret lab?

Needs must, Debbie. But fear not - you shall be issued with the latest

state-of-the-art covert-operations disguise technology.

Which is...?

Gnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Now you!

Gmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!?

No, no. You've really gotta push it through your back and bum.

Gnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

A farce. A shambles.

A frog's breakfast. What are you?!

-A joke. -A pig's ear. Cuddly toy.

Silence! You're supposed to be my right-hand man. And woman.

And other man.

And I can't even go to ONE conference without the WHOLE

place falling apart...

And that's when I realised - I'm not the problem 'round here,

it's you lot. THEY GASP

You don't work as a team. That's why I'm sending you HERE!

Don't look at the finger, look at where it's pointing!

ALL: Oh!

Time for a change.

Let's have a look...

Shawl - check.

Bonnet.

Boobs... Er, yeah, they're fine, thank you!

Touchy.

How do you walk in these shoes? They're huge!

You have to leave room for the bunions...

I think you look great, Debbie. I think everything's great.

And I'd like to say, "Thank you." And also, "Please."

And is anyone else quite hot?

I think, you might need to move decaf.

Ah, there you are. Right, here are your papers.

-Yah! -Ah.

At ease. Now, you'll meet your Resistance contact

in Nourishment Station Seven, Road Nine, Imperigrad.

He'll take you from there. And how will I know him?

Oh, you'll know him. You'll be fine...

Good luck, and see you on the beach.

Oh, no, that's right - you're not coming.

Ha, ha. Pip, pip!

Right, come on, then. These bunions won't form themselves.

Come on...

Gnnnnn!

Halt! Papers please!

Gnnnn.

-Check.Check.Check. -Check.

-Check.Check. -Check.

Check.

You will answer the following questions...

Profession?

Crones!

SHE GROANS

Are you affiliated to any outlawed resistance movement?

No, dear.

Promise?

Yes, dear.

Are you or have you ever been a supporter of The Chosen One?

Oh... Well.

I mean, I suppose...

She's... Dreadful!

And stupid. And ugly.

And...

Yeah, she's fat and she smells.

She's bossy and she's got split ends and her hair look like dry hay!

All right. I think they've got the idea.

You have answered...

satisfactorily. Commencipate the process!

WEIRD BEEPS AND WHOOSHES

♪ First we prime the fuel injector

♪ Synchromesh and gear selector

♪ This is the process

♪ The pump's engaged and put online

♪ And pressure's set to 39

♪ Or 43

♪ Depending on atmospheric conditions

♪ See manual

♪ This is the process

♪ This is the process

♪ Hydraulic pistons filled with gas

♪ Are aided by

♪ The gate's own mass...

♪ Physics

♪ We, like cogs in this procedure

♪ Grind to serve our glorious leader

♪ IMPERATRIX! IMPERATRIX!

♪ IMPERATRIX! ♪

Continue your journey efficiently!

We will.

Thanks. Have a nice day.

Me?

Thank you. You, too.

They seemed nice...

What just happened...?

The coast is clear!

That's me, then.

What? Where are you going?!

I'm on a hot date! Gonna get me some sugar.

Well, that's me off food forever.

You weren't there, man. You weren't there.

Wait a sec.

I think that's it.

Huh? Sounds delicious.

HE SHUDDERS

All right, here we are. You've all got your packed lunches?

-Yep. -Yes. Oh, I put it in there.

It'll be out again soon.

You disgusting beast. I'll pick you up later on.

Are you not staying?

No. Because I'm not the idiot here, am I?

As per our previously conversation earlierer.

Go Team Solero...

Oh, that was so good.

-I am so pumped! -You were amazing! No, you were amazing!

-Pint? -Pint?

Right, that's the sort of team bonding I want to see from you lot...

preferably without turning into a complete bunch of bell...

..'Ello to you, sir.

SULTRY MUSIC

Mmm. One, two, three, four!

I won't be a moment.

-NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: -Hello! You guys must be my afternoon session!

Have you got a team name?

Magnum. Team Magnum!

And I can't tell you how PUMPED we are to be here.

Are we?

There you go...

Right. Keep your eyes peeled for the Resistance contact.

Spink said we'd know him when we see...

-Oh. -That was easy.

Yeah - too easy.

FRENCH ACCENT: Pssst! Are you with the Resistance?

I have some very important information that

I need to pass on to you.

I'm afraid you're coming with me.

And me.

Let's just get out of here. Yeah, don't fancy prison.

Things my shape do not fare well there.

No, wait, wait a sec...

ELF MOANS

FRENCH ACCENT: Well, of course, I miss my children and

my beautiful Cyclops wife,

but if I did not join the cause, how could I look her in the eye?

We are arrived. You will now meet our glorious leader.

He is known as Le Fox, or in your language - The Fox.

He is not an actual fox, you understand,

that would be very strange.

But he is cunning.

And sometimes he knocks over the bins, so there's that.

Come!

FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

Hello.

Hello, ah! Perfect timing - we've just braised a duck.

Oooh... Glass of red?

What are we? Animals? Let it breathe!

-Of course. -Honestly... What are you like?

Errr...

How about that one?

Yeah. Thanks, Neil.

Arrrgh!

And that's Yahtzee.

HE BLOWS

Not bad, eh?

Right. To focus on the positive - the instinct to intervene was good.

Yeah, agreed.

But are we pulling together?

Exactly. Together...

Pulling.

Sorry - have we met before, "Phil-or-Adam-or-something"?

I just really feel like I know you.

Mmm. I feel the same way.

Hmmm.

Oh...

So we think she's kidnapped Hirsch to try

and help her build some kind of giant weapon.

So...

So...lunch?

Right. And after lunch?

Cognac?

No. We go and get him out!

I don't think that's in the schedule... I will check.

Lunch. Cognac. And then a nap.

Oh - I forgot supper!

I'm sorry - what do you lot actually do in here?

We are Resistance. We resist.

General...resisting.

I'm sorry - caffeine crash.

For a moment, there, I thought I...

And how is endlessly having lunch a "resistance"?

We have to keep our strength up. For the cause.

No - you see, a cause is something you fight for.

You need to fight.

What? Are you completely cray, cray? We could get killed!

Then the cause would die with us.

And we must preserve the Resistance.

ALL: Long live the Resistance!

You're not gonna help me?

Well, I'll look in the schedule

But I don't think that, er...

Fine! Elf!

Whoa! Power nap! That's OK. Let's do this! Whatever it is.

Is it Monday? Which way to the laboratory?

Through the grate just behind you.

-Secret tunnel 4 -F - it'll bring you right up in the basement.

HE WHISTLES

So you don't actually do anything, but you do have a network of secret tunnels?

No - wine just magically makes its own way here.

THEY CHUCKLE

Now, that's funny, it's funny!

No, we'll go and rescue Hirsch, I don't want to -

because I'm tired, actually, and I want to go home, and go to bed

and wake up in a minute and be tired in a whole other life.

But I'm gonna go anyway,

because I care enough about what happens in this world,

in your world - to try and stop it being taken over by my evil twin.

Do you know what? Good luck to you all,

have a lovely lunch, yeah, come on, Elf!

Top up? -Yes. -Finally. Of course.

So, we pass the Ball of Truth 'round

and whoever gets it has to answer a question truthfully.

Got it? -Yep.Yeah. -Got it.

Erm...?Just watch us, Jeff.

You'll catch on. That's great. Good team work, guys.

Ten points. ALL: Go, team Magnum!

Yahtzee! What do I win?!

OK, so, Rita - you can go first.

And no baloney, or I'll come up there

and I'll chew your ruddy nose off.

Who do you most value in your team?

Well, before today, I would probably have said no-one.

But now - and this sounds really weird -

Jeff and Neil, equally.

Honest as the day is long.

Someone just wriggled out of a right good chewing.

Now, pass me on.

OK! Phil or Adam, who is the natural leader in your team?

That'll be me, obvious...

CRUNCHING AND HE YELPS

Wrong. Natural leader, my valve!

Your ball's all broken, love.

'Course I'm the natural leader...ah!

Next time, I'm going for your pinkie!

I'd like to see you try, leather face! Eat rock!

OK... OK...

I think we might be moving a bit fast for some members of the group.

What's wrong with things moving fast?

She wants me so bad...

Ahhh!

It's fascinating stuff, this. I've managed to propagate

the power loop by firing radicons through thermo-voltaic cells.

How long?

Well, how long's a piece of hydro-cable?

And the answer is we don't know, it's a theoretical precept...

Just get it finished! Open this door...

BEEPS

Did you see the code? -Blind Date. -Uh-huh?

Let's go.

Plus, it all depends where you buy your hydro-cable,

some places only sell it in three-metre lengths and then you get...

Who the hell are you?

My name is Debbie of Maddox and I'm here to rescue you.

Right, what from? Imperatrix. She's kidnapped you!

Kidnapped? Well, I'm on the holiday of a lifetime.

I mean, look at this place!

Igor!

Yes? Who are you?

That's exactly what I said.

It...it doesn't matter. We have to get you out of here.

You can't build this weapon.

Weapon. This a revolutionary sustainable power source.

Isn't it, Igor? Yeah, if you like.

It's a weapon! The woman you're working for - she's evil.

No, she's not.

I mean, she might be a bit "killy" in the mornings,

but she's been perfectly nice to me.

Plus, the breakfasts here are first class.

You can get the full Yonderland or the Yondinental.

All right. This power source. Could it power a weapon?

Like a really a big weapon?

Well, it's got an AI matrix, it can power anything you like. But to hook it up to a weapon?

HE CHUCKLES

You'd have to be some sort of crazed megalomaniac,

with unlimited funds, who's able to hoodwink a genius scientist

into performing your bidding and...

I'll get my coat. Finally! Come on!

KLAXON BLARES

That's right. I have the upper shoulder...

I mean, "hand"!

Seven times I've been passed up for promotion.

It's really starting to get my back up.

I mean, give me the hump. I mean, annoy me!

When I hand you over to her eminence, I will have your job...

Finally, something to get my teeth into.

I mean, really enjoy!

While your luck appears to have run out...!

GLASS SMASHES

Le Fox!

Don't worry... It was only a rose.

Quickly! The tunnel is this way!

What about the plans?

Ow.

Le Fox! Come On!

Oooh - "Commendeded"!

Yep. Commended. Keep up the teamwork, guys.

Oh, believe me, we will...

Hang on. Yours is slightly bigger than mine.

Hey, no. Why'd you get blue ink?!

Here, yours has whiter paper!

Alone at last. Oh! There you are.

Here I am. There you go.

Ah. The paperwork. Yawn!

I've always preferred the "practical" myself.

What say you and I go grab a drink and do a bit of "teamwork"

of our own?

Oh, I do know you.

From your dreams?

You killed my parents! No, I...

The revolt of Motson Marsh! You're Ken and Avril's daughter!

CHUCKLING: Where were you hiding?

Still got it, Negatus!

And if we are all individuals...

ALL: Hmmm...?

..then why are we working for "the man"?

Never thought about it like that.

Though "the man" is a woman in this case, so it is quite complicated.

So, your woman...

They're distracted! We could all get through!

You could be free!

Non... You have lifted the wool from my eyes.

This is our home.

If we are the Resistance,

then the time has come to start fighting back!

Right, guys?

-Yes. -Yes.

Actually, I would like to go with Debbie.

Turns out I'm genuinely quite lazy, so...

Fair enough.

Sorry, guys...

HE CHUCKLES

Well, Le Fox... Thanks. You really made a difference.

No. Thank you, Debbie of Maddox.

SQUEAKY SMOOCH

You are an inspiration to us all... Apart from Xavier, obviously.

Well, au revoir.

What did she say?

I have no idea.

ALARM BEEPS

HE GROANS

Subtitles by Ericsson

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