Original subtitles

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

GENTLE PARTY MUSIC PLAYS

Bump it.

Yeah.

James. Surprised to see you at the QGM. You're not normally invited.

Available, yes. Well, I could hardly miss it this time, could I?

What with having found... the Second Scroll!

I'm sure Her Eminence would want her favourite Overlord here

to show everyone how to do the business!

I mean surprised you could find the time.

Word is you still haven't conquered your territory.

-Sunderland, isn't it? -Yonderland. That's all under control.

First rule of management, Giles - employ the right people

and learn how to delegate.

But it's made of metal, how did it...

It doesn't matter how it started, just put it out!

Ow, hot, hot, hot!

Actually...probably deal with -that first. -Yeah. OK.

Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls that dark forces

would sweep our realm, until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour,

come from a distant world,

to save us from the shadows...

which is lovely.

FRONT DOOR OPENS

Right, five minutes - and don't get settled.

I wasn't expecting you back. I know. Look at that! Guess who?

-The evil twin. -Honestly!

We got halfway into town and that's a whole carton.

-Has that done anything? -Yeah, ruined a T-shirt. Go and change.

Will you come with me? Pete, we've been through this.

If there's a ghost, it's friendly.

I know. I know, I can be brave.

Ben, do you want to come upstairs with Daddy?

Oh, nice, so if it turns you've got a six-year-old to protect you.

What do you mean turns? I'm joking. Go and change.

This is the problem with pale denim. It's one of the problems.

Where have you been? They had a lot to take in.

THEY had a lot to take in? It's my father.

All right, put your knickers on. Anyway, they're ready now.

Say they want to see this message -for themselves. -Well, let's go then.

Pete, I'm just going to Tesco's! We need some bog roll!

Where the hell.

Hang on, Jaffa cakes.

-GASPS: -Tangy Sandwich!

I did all I could, but someone has replaced your internal organs

with some sort of synthetic wadding.

You never stood a chance. Oh!

I'm sorry. Your friend was too far gone.

Bye, little man!

Who were you talking to?

The little man who just cut up Pink Nelly.

HE COUGHS

Right, it's either eight injured and three dead, or the other way round.

Well, my feeling is that the various issues which have risen

this morning are due to a lack of leadership in the absence of

His Eminence. A problem for which I have an elegant solution!

Now, you may call me Boss, Lord, The Exulted One.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you hearing this?

Permission to speak, boss?

-Erm. -You're not in charge, Neil!

If one of us is going to get to play at being General,

-we should draw lots. -Draw lots of -what? -Or, better still, take a vote.

Doesn't sound very evil.

Well, we can call it something sinister. Like a...

General...

Election.

THEY CACKLE

-What?Absolutely not. -We have no choice. The prophecy is quite clear.

"And, lo, the union of the twins shalt scuttle this realm,

"to live eternal, neath the cloud of the second age."

How is that clear? "Neath" isn't even a word!

It means that if you fall into the clutches of your sister -

if the twins are reunited, our whole world could fall under

the rule of Imperatrix.

Yes, but if what he says is true, then I'm from here.

You can't just kick me out! You can't just kick her out.

But we must. Imperatrix is intent upon a union.

She's demanding that we bring you before her.

Well, tell her no! I'll tell her - where is she?

-ALL: -No!

That's the point. The two of you must never meet.

The consequences are unthinkable!

I wish they were. I keep thinking about them.

I have so many questions.

Pep-pep-pep!

It is decided. Our hands are tied.

Elf, your orders are clear.

The Chosen One must be returned to her world.

And the portal closed... immediately.

-But. -Debbie, it's done.

Gentlemen, in honour of the many sacrifices Debbie has made

for our realm, let us...

ALL: No!

I wasn't going to say that!

This can't be right.

You heard them - it's not safe for you here.

But I'm from here!

It's part of me, just as much as through there is.

And there's so many things I need to know, a home I've never even seen!

There must be something you can do?

I'm just an Elf.

I know.

If you're going to kiss, turn me round.

So I can watch.

Take care of each other, OK?

Debbie, wait.

Do you want to see your home?

Your real home.

Yeah.

Maybe we could sort of go via there.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Just for the record, I did not sign off on this.

But we've gotta be quick. We should probably get a cab.

You have cabs here? Of course. Have we never...?

Weird.

Muahaha!

Ow!

Why would... Just take the cheese!

I'm so sorry. I didn't realise... I'm really sorry.

You're sorry - great!

That'll help it grow back!

Unbelievable.

She may have stirred up a few rebellions,

but this so called Chosen One is no match for us.

Well, they don't give these for nothing.

We've got the Battle of Constipatol. 99 Years' War.

ALL: So close!

And this for extraordinary valour.

Oh, I've gotta load of badges, oh, oh!

Sorry, and these are for...?

Erm, camping.

Erm, knots and, er, whatsitsface,

the one where they give you the map and the compass.

Where did you get your jacket made?

This old thing?

And this one's for slaying a mega-dragon!

You? Slayed a mega-dragon?

Two, actually. No - three.

-Hmm. -Hmm.

It was a dark night in the swamps of Astley.

We were bivouacking - whacking beavers.

From dusk till dawn, my friend.

LAUGHTER

With my arm hanging by a thread,

I literally had to fight the entire army single-handed.

Seems we underestimated you, Negatus.

Word of your prowess in battle never reached us.

Well, I mainly talk about my charity work, so...

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Negatus, I'm running this seminar for our most promising lieutenants.

Sounds to me like they might learn a lot more from a veteran like you.

Oh, do you know I'm flattered, but I've got this dodgy knee.

Nonsense. You're clearly the best man for the job.

I insist.

And with you all behind me,

we can finally break through the glass ceiling.

significantly increasing headroom in the canteen.

So, for structural improvements in the staff areas, vote Rita!

I'd keep things the same but, erm...

better?

-Oh!Yeah! -That's great, mate!

Well, I think that worked out pretty well.

No, Jeff.

-It did not. -Oh!

Well, that's the worst of it out. And we managed to save your cat.

But...we don't have a cat.

We do have a maintenance guy whose head looks like a cat!

Yeah, he didn't make it.

Aw.

HE STRUGGLES AND PANTS

Here we are. That'll be half a crown.

-Here you go. Keep the change. -Ta.

Erm, why don't you put some wheels on it? Make it easier?

-LAUGHS: -And what if it snows, love?

I don't know!

HE HEAVES

Is this it? Yep. Your home.

-FRANTIC: -Beware all ye who enter this dark and godless place!

For death and murder stains the very walls and floors and woodwork

and fixtures and fittings and sideboard and white goods

and there's some in the shed!

Did you say murder? Murder!

Of the most foul and vile...

-NORMAL VOICE: -This is number 32?

No, it's 23. Oh, I am so sorry.

You can see how I... It's fine.

I'll speak to the office. Forget all that. Sorry, I'll, erm, yeah...

-ON PHONE: -Hello. Caroline? It's happened again.

FLY SCREEN RATTLES Who goes there?

Oh, hi.

Erm, my name's... Debbie?

Debbie, I've been looking everywhere for you!

You nearly missed your milky time, poppet.

Well, come along then!

I knew it! I knew you'd be back.

And they told me I was mad.

NUM-NUMS!

Well, you showed them.

I'm sorry. I don't think I remember...

Of course you do, you big silly! I'm your Nanny Le Roo.

I raised you as a babe in arms, right up to the day you...

Look.

There you are, with your little baby eyes and your wee baby nose.

What with being a baby and everything.

Yeah, well, what about... Tyrell! Away from that door,

you know it's dangerous out there. Come and get your biccy-wix.

Which reminds me, you must have crumbling tums.

Pass me that muslin, dear.

What? HE GASPS

Nanny, please!

What about my family?

Come this way.

Oh, thank God.

Here we are.

Your old nursery. Hasn't been touched in Quillenia.

(Smells like it.) Sh!

I'm not definitely saying serial killer,

but we should think about escape routes.

That was you.

With your button nose and your tiny toes and your big fat wrists.

And that was...the other one.

-GASPS: -There it is!

Your mother.

If you can call her that.

Evil, some say.

Right cow, some say.

Seriously, can no-one else smell that?

Oh, that'll be mine you can smell.

Damp - from the old mine.

Oh! Doesn't smell like damp.

Smells more like... Oh, what is it?

Elf! You were saying, about my parents.

You were a daddy's girl. Lovely, he was. Nice legs, some say.

But your sister, something was wrong wae her.

She had her mother in her. The evil...

Don't say that. You can't say that...

You weren't there! With you gone, the darkness consumed her.

That's when your mother took her away.

So who are all the other kids? Orphans from the other lands.

I help them as best I can, but there's only so many teats.

And with every land she takes, more of them come.

I don't know where to put them all.

You could put a few in here.

Just give it an airing, like shift the cot, put a bed over here.

No! Stop it, you're ruining it! Why must you spoil everything?

Go! Get out!

Told ya - mad! Tenner says there's bodies in the shed.

My name is Negatus.

And today I'm going to teach you how to make even your most

hardened of enemy quake and quiver with...

Hey, brother!

Ah, something like that. I'll wing it.

All right, guys.

Oh.

Yeah, that. I was going to do that, all right.

All righty, Richard,

my name is... Negat...

Is there an R in that?

Nega...

Erm, sorry, this is Battle Technique, yes?

Yes. Excellent. Well done.

So, the first rule of fighting.. club is...

Erm...

Should have written something on those.

Practical. How about we kick off with a little bit of practical?

Couple of volunteers, please. You, sir, and your friend with the, er,

hmmmmmm.

The...

So, swords, let's get with it.

Now, then. I want you to attack him...

Whoa, whoa, no, not yet!

If you do that, how's he supposed to

come at you with the old...and...

Couple more volunteers, please.

Nanny. Come on - this is silly.

Come on, Debbie. We should go.

Is it true?

Sorry?

That you're from where they say you're from?

Oh. Yeah.

What's it like?

Well, in my world, the flowers don't bite and taxis have wheels.

No. What's it like...

out there?

We were outside, weren't we?

The day I went, disappeared.

We were outside.

Nanny?

I was only away for a second.

And that's why you don't let the kids out, isn't it?

You're punishing yourself, so you never forget.

DOOR OPENS

It can't happen again.

I won't lose another one.

So, we both agreed Jeff's out of the running, because of...

Oh, ha-ha-ha!

Oh, ha-ha-ha!

-..that. -Yeah. So it's just you and me now.

Let's settle this like intelligent, mature, professionals.

Ready?

Girl, I was born ready!

Prepare to feel the reign of pain!

I hope you like the basement, because you are going dow...

OW!

Dammit.

So you see, you didn't lose me. I was taken.

By my father, and for good reason. And I went to a wonderful place.

Birmingham?

To a good home. A good family.

And I've got one of my own now.

Look.

You see, you didn't do -anything wrong. -No?

Not a thing.

And they certainly didn't.

They should be playing. Out there.

But it's dangerous out there. There's Negatus and her...

And what do you think will happen -if you keep them in here? -Nothing!

Nothing. Ever.

It's such a lovely day.

Negatus, how's it going in there?

Hey! Good, yeah, great.

Ah, a few teething problems at first,

but, er, it's all pretty quiet now.

I was just popping for a cup of hot flavoured...water.

Would you care to join me?

Yes, that sounds very nice. Good.

Might just show my face to the troops first, though.

Erm, I really wouldn't, I think they'd rather...

Like I said, a few teething problems.

Dismantling the glass ceiling is just the beginning.

Next, I want to level the playing field.

Because that lump by the goal is really dangerous.

That's dangerous.

Jeffrey. These are highly skilled...

Agh!

Should probably have... Cleared the canteen, yeah.

Sorry about that.

Smell that fresh air! SHE SNIFFS

Ah!

One for the pouch.

Or just put it on a shelf or something. Keep it...dry.

Nannies don't have favourites.

-WHISPERS: -But if I did... I know what it is!

-What? -The smell. It's not damp, it's...

CRASH!

..swamp gas.

Our home! Whatever will we do now?

Well, if shiny things in this world work like shiny things in mine,

I think you might be all right.

Trubies!

We're rich!

Oh, we're rich!

Kids, we're rich, ho, ho!

Weird. Now she's rich, she just seems eccentric.

Yeah!

You mean to say that, had Debbie not remained in our realm,

49 helpless orphans would have died?

43. Is no-one writing this down?

My bad. My bad.

But otherwise, yes - the explosion would have killed them all.

It's like she was MEANT to be here.

Debbie was right to defy us.

How could we have been so blind?

If only she was here now.

-Hi. -And she is!

ALL: Fate!

Debbie, we owe you an apology.

Well?

Well, not now. We owe it to you.

A note has been made and the account will be settled in due course.

Of course, we must be sure to keep you away from Imperatrix,

but today's events just goes to prove how vital you are

to this realm, regardless of what is written.

ALFIE GASPS

Breathe, Alfie. That's it.

You are The Chosen One, Deb-beh, and clearly your place is here,

among your people.

ALL: For a maximum of six hours a day, five days a week,

no calls after 7pm, except in emergencies.

As for the Elf...

For your part in today's episode,

our entire realm owes you a great debt of gratitude.

But, technically you did ignore our orders

so we're going to have you shot.

-What?! -Only joking!

THEY LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY

Oh, come on! They didn't all die.

One of them just has life-threatening injuries.

But as this Second Scroll makes clear,

Debbie's presence is a necessary evil.

Or should I say "necessary for evil".

THEY TITTER Silence!

The Elders have made it clear that she will not forge

this union willingly.

So we have no choice but to use force.

The gloves are off. I shall oversee this development personally.

And mark my words...

..Debbie will be made to cooperate.

She will bend to my will, or others will suffer the consequences.

Keith, I'm home! Sorry I'm late.

I went to the big one to get that ham you like with the orange fluff.

But when you take a ticket now, it's only the cheese...

It turned. Oh, for the love of...

God, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Pete. Can I speak to you in the kitchen?

For a sec?

-It's mine! -But it's my turn!

I had it first!

Demons!

Oh, back so soon, darkest of ages?

Yeah, they let me go home early for being so brilliant at everything.

What the hell has happened here?

-Burglars! -Meteor strike! James McAvoy!

Eh?!

My beautiful throne!

Who was in charge here?

Erm...

It doesn't feel like promotion.

Well, that's corporations for ya.

SHE GROANS

SPLAT!

Subtitles by Ericsson

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