Original subtitles

'And welcome back, everyone. Great to see you here, back playing Ladder.

'Four contestants, four questions, but only one way...'

HE GASPS

'..Jenny here has got an incredible 27 points.'

This cannot be.

I know - two for one on bedding plants.

Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces would sweep our realm,

until only Yonderland remained,

but they told also of a saviour, come from a distant world,

to save us from Imperatrix,

who believes it is she who is destined to rule.

This cannot BE!

Oh, I was wondering when you were going to show yourself...

into the cupboard. To look at the light.

To look at the light, yes...

I mean, no, come on, Pete, out of there.

We discussed this last night - there's nothing wrong with the light.

What about those blue sparks? I think you'd eaten some cheese.

OK, look, don't touch the light bulb in there,

and don't touch the switch.

Mm-hmm. If you see anything strange,

anything at all... Mm-hmm. ..no matter how small,

then just call me at work, OK? I will do. Have a good day.

All right. Oh, and I might get an electrician

to have a look at it. -Whatever you think.OK, bye-bye! -Bye.

-What's up with Bob? -Peter.

He thinks that...

What's happened to your face? What? Oh, that.

-Cut myself shaving. -Huh?

So, come on then. Who was it?

Who was what? Last night, in Negatus' lair,

with the veil - bridezilla.

Oh, her.

Up until yesterday,

her very existence was myth and rumour.

The ruler of the overlords. They call her...

Imperatrix! I saw her with my own eyes, right here in Yonderland.

Oh, my days, Imperatrix is here! HE SLURPS

Imperatrix?

I hear she has the head of a snake...

But her body's made of splinters,

and if you look into her eyes...

You see, like, the worst things imaginable, like spider's eggs...

Yeah, or a farmer's bum.

-I heard she's got both sets. -Oh.

I heard she sleeps for only three seconds a day.

And they say she has worms for fingers!

How does she sign cheques?

So she is here! I knew I sensed something.

"Sensed something"? The whole building shook...

Judith died.

Hmm.

No wonder the people are panicking.

Yonderland is in chaos!

What shall we do?!

Well, I think I do know a thing... I like that...

Gentlemen, please.

In the event of public unrest, the procedure is quite clear...

We must take off our robes.

No...

We must implement emergency protocol seven.

-No, brother. No. -Have you completely lost all your marbles?

No-no-no-no-no, he's right!

If we do not act, we ourselves may be in danger.

We must immediately start acting.

Very well...

Implement protocol seven!

There - that should keep them out.

Now then, who's for a game of charades?

Oh, yes.

I'll go first!

Is it Boogie Nights?

So the overlords each have a land,

but it's this Imperatrix -who pulls the strings? -What strings?

Well, if they were puppet...

It doesn't matter. -She's the boss, yeah? -Exactly,

and if she starts taking a personal interest in Yonderland, well...

there'd be panic on the streets.

But, hey, let's not worry about that just yet.

Chances are she would have just gone straight back to the Darklands,

and word wouldn't have even got out.

Word got out.

HE WHIMPERS

Well, the good news is someone has called the sheriff.

The bad news is, I'm the sheriff,

and the last vestige of law and order is about to disappear.

How do you know?

Because someone has hold of my leg.

Whoa!

Hey, hey! Look, look, look! There's no laws or anything.

It's so cool!

Ah, that is so cool!

We can do anything we like without, like, any repercussions.

Yeah.

-Is that not what you meant? -No.

GLASS SMASHES

Yes! I've always wanted one of these.

It's OK. We'll be safe now.

This is insane. Do the Elders know about this?

There's civil unrest and they're not here. So... probably.

What, you mean they're just going to bury their heads in the sand?

No - why would they bury their heads in sand?

Well, mark my words - they've got another think coming!

How's that even a sentence?

She just makes stuff up.

Absolute kaffledecack.

I'm telling you, there is no death certificate.

I've checked the chronicles, the safe, under the bed...

Silence.

You will find the record of my sister's death

or face the consequences.

No, no, I'll check again, but, what if there just...

was no death to record?

Do not waste oxygen on riddles.

I did find this under the bed.

Your mother told the news dragon that your sister died

with your father, in a ballooning accident,

but some doubted elements of her story.

What elements?

She told them the reason bodies were never found

because they landed in the mouth of a great white Rhinocodile,

which chewed them so hard it caught fire, and then exploded,

and the ash was sucked into the nose of a Hipposquito,

which then fell into a blender and...

She lied. My sister is alive. MAN CHOKES

It was her I saw.

Anous, release the... SQUELCH

As you were.

While this Chosen One lives,

your rule will never be complete, your eminence.

Then it is time that death caught up with her.

Who is available?

Our best generals are quelling unrest in their own lands.

It seems her very presence has caused

excitement among the masses.

These are desperate times which call for desperate measures.

Well, I'm honoured.

And when you say, "money no object"...?

I'm giving you carte blanche.

Mmm...

-The ice cream? -No, you fool.

Listen!

Whatever the cost, Maddox dies today.

At last, the gloves are off.

No, they're not.

No, not literally, Jeff, I just meant... Erm...

Come here.

Oh! Oh, that hurt more than usual.

Precisely.

So, what's the plan, oh, Thunderous Wind?

Hmm.... Who's up for a day at the fair?

ALL: Yay!

ALL: Aw...

Ow, ow, ow...

Why don't they have a back door? Why don't you use the buzzer?

Why don't you suggest that five minutes ago?

-Hold that. -That?!

INTERCOM BUZZES

Oh, my God! It's Lord of the Flies!

What? How did he get in there?

We all want to be free, but what about after the robes come off?

I mean, don't people look?

Let them look. I mean, we're all the same, right?

I suppose so, more or less...

Actually, I might just keep this on...

Get out of it!

Why can I smell cheese? Are you hiding food?

I don't know what you're talking about, old boy.

-What's this then? -Well, no,

that's just a cheese-shaped, cheese-scented candle.

Well, then you won't mind if I do this.

No-no-no, no!

-Blurgh. -Well, I did try to warn you.

-The Chosen One. -Debbie.

What the hell do you all think you're doing?

Your people need you.

Have they stopped rioting yet?

Well, no, but this isn't the way to...

Ah!

Emergency protocol seven forbids contact with the outside world!

They've cut me off! Hello?

Looks like we'll have to quench the flames of anarchy

and restore order to Yonderland ourselves...

again.

Now we should just sit tight until this all blows over.

What about food? I'm almost down to the wick here.

All you need is love, brothers...

Oh, and food. Yeah, you do need food.

We'll think of something.

Or someone...

Bad day to be made of jelly.

No, no, too small.

Not bangy enough. GUNFIRE AND SCREAMING

Don't you have the one that goes

boof, zoof,

zing, pa-pa-pa-pa-pa

boof, oof...?

Yeah, doesn't exist.

Here, fella, check these out.

Latest technologies - -night-vision goggles, eh? Yeah. -Oh.

Erm, can't see anything.

Exactly...just like night.

Wow! Amazing! I'll take them.

Course you will. Cheers. HE CHUCKLES

Now no-one will see me coming.

-Well, I did.What? -Nothing.

Got to have something better than these.

I'm looking to blow some serious cash here.

Look, bulletproof trousers. If you get shot, a hole appears...

so there's proof of the bullet.

Right, what you've got there, Jeffery, is just some trousers.

Your handsomeness, a gun that shoots round corners.

Ooh, clever.

So that's one useful thing, one utterly useless thing.

I wonder which way Neil is going to tip this one...

Look, sire - night-vision goggles!

-Ow! -Yep, thought so.

At least he's got something he likes.

I haven't found anything that tickles my fancy...

Oh...

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

You want to buy? It's very nice.

LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE BEEPS

HE GROANS

Be very careful...

MACHINE BEEPS

MACHINE BEEPS FASTER

Henry?

ONE LONG BEEP Henry?!

Well, the Elders were no help, so what's the plan?

Well, with any luck, things will have calmed down a bit while we were...

CROWD YELLS After you.

GLASS BREAKS

Down! Imperatrix is here.

She's 50 foot tall with guns for thumbs.

No, she's not. She's like my height with...thumbs for thumbs.

You've never actually seen her, -have you? -And hope I never do.

I heard if you look straight at her, you turn into socks.

HE GASPS Well, that's not how I want to go.

That's why I've lodged this suicide pill

between my wisdom tooth and...

Oh, where's it gone?

Oh, no.

THUD I know what this is.

-Dead body. -No, I mean all of this.

Have you ever heard of the rumour mill?

Yeah, they knocked it down. No money in it.

No, it's not an actual mill. When I was in Year 7,

Dean Froggett said Nicola Stockton had a fake foot

but it was actually a verruca sock - though Gabbi Parker reckoned

that she stole it. It doesn't matter.

The point is, it was just gossip.

What happened with the foot?

A police dog came into assembly... Ah... That's not the point.

The point is - I know how to fix this.

Watch this. GLASS SMASHES

So, have you heard?

Imperatrix isn't actually here.

Word on the street is that we should all stop rioting,

cos otherwise she's, like, already won.

Oh, right. Here, Tosh, have you heard...?

Now we just wait for the rumour to spread and Bob's your uncle.

No - Bob's your husband.

What?! Ah! Imperatrix has already won!

HE YELLS

Well, that went well.

-It changes. -What does?

The rumour - the truth gets lost as the word spreads.

We just need to find a way to speak to

everyone at the same time.

And, as the flammable member of the group,

can I ask that we do this quickly?

And that was Ram Raid by The Kiss Pistols.

So that music's not in my head?

All right, you're listening to DJ Chaos on Panic FM -

smashing hits while you smash windows.

MUSIC PAUSES Hey!

Follow me. I think I've got a lead.

It's a shielded cable. Joke doesn't work... Hmm.

Hello?

Why is it so dark?

MEN YELL

BLOB GURGLES IN FEAR Kill the Blob!

Smash him in! ELDERS: Kill the Blob!

Gouge his eyes! Eat his face!

SILENCE Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa, I thought you were a vegetarian.

Is he not a vegetable?

Grey area, like fish.

MEN: Kill the Blob! Smash his head!

Silence, I've got the conch.

ALL: Oh, the conch. Oh, the sacred conch!

We must respect our quarry.

Trevor, is there any particular way you'd like to be cooked?

I don't want to be cooked!

Can you eat it raw?

Like a sushi-type-thing?

Or with a nice plum jus?

Go well, wouldn't it?

Stop! Stop this lunacy.

What are we - animals?

We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Trevor is our comrade...

our friend...

..and should be parboiled with garlic and lemon

before can we even think about a gravy.

Prepare the pot!

Yeah!

Wait, where's he gone?

BLOB GURGLES He's escaped. After him!

THEY YELL

Yeah, best add the codpiece - protect the old...cod.

I'll take the laser sighting, the photon pistol,

a power-punch, yes...

You've got to be careful, you don't want to overload it.

It says here "ask about voices". What's that all about?

Oh, yeah, that is for the control system.

You can have Champion Man, Tough Trooper, Compactor...

Compactor? Ooh, that sounds pretty tough - I'll take that.

And what's a "follicle airgun"?

That's for inside the helmet. You know, the bzzz...

You mean a hairdryer? DEMONS GIGGLE

So you don't get the helmet hair

but you probably don't want that feature...

No, no, why would I want that?

Yeah, I do, I do. I really want that.

Sure, you're the boss.

YELLING AND SCREAMING

This is Burn It Up by The Smash.

Cos I'm the Chaos DJ - I play what I like,

don't care what ya say! I'll deal with him.

-Smash it up! -You try and find some less rioty music.

-Yeah, all right!Hey. -Ugh!

Sweet...table of decks.

Do you think I could have a spin?

Ha! I ain't letting you touch my decks.

I'm the Chaos DJ - the minister of mayhem - the rage they cannot cage.

It's just I think I just saw your mum over there.

Oh, no! I'm supposed to be at my nan's.

HE SOBS Oh, God, I'm in so much trouble...

You kept this quiet.

It was a phase.

MUSIC STOPS

YELLING

EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS We were at number one

for a quillenia, so you can shut up.

OK, everyone, just stop rioting - just for a second.

Take five, yeah?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind a baguette actually.

Look, I know what you've heard, but look around you.

Imperatrix isn't here,

but all of this - the chaos, the riots - this is what she wants.

But there's no need to panic.

You just need to calm down and... carry on.

Oh, with the riot? No-no-no-no, no!

With whatever you normally do.

Does make sense when you hear it like that, yeah, I mean...

Back to work then, I suppose.

We were quite eclectic.

-PETER: -OK, thanks!

There ain't nothing wrong in here, mate.

-Are you sure? -Yes.

Right, right, this little gizmo picks up spikes like I pick up birds.

-What does that mean? -Means I pick up a lot of birds, doesn't it?

No, the spikes. What do the spikes mean?

Oh...electrical surges, you know, fluctuating current, anything weird,

and I ain't getting nothing in there.

Hmm. Is cheque OK? No, I prefer cash, actually.

MACHINE CRACKLES

Get your Debbie mugs! Get your Debbie tea towels!

See? Storm in a teacup.

But it wouldn't fit...

Why do you say these things?

Debbie mugs! Get your Debbie mugs!

OK, I'm in. Initiate visor downment.

VISOR WHIRS Cool.

Compactor, do you read me?

Oh, hello.

Yeah, but I might have to pop out if my agent calls,

cos I'm up for this sitcom and they can only do auditions on Wednesdays.

Oh, Gods, they've given me Camp Actor.

I mean, this is fine for a day job,

but if I could get some stage work...

Shut up!

Patch in Imperatrix.

Is it done? Is she dead?

Almost, your eminence.

BLOB GURGLES IN FEAR ELDERS: Eat him up!

Kill the Blob! Eat him up!

Kill the Blob!

Save me his eyes.

I think I've got him.

ELDERS YELL

Oh, decided to come out, have we?

They tried to eat me.

Is this true?

Well...a bit.

So the world hasn't ended?

No. No thanks to you.

It is possible we lost a little perspective.

Mmm.

Let us put on our cumbersome robes.

Oh, look! It's the Chosen One.

Oh, this is perfect. The Elders are here too.

Two birds with one bone.

Perhaps there is hope for you yet. Take them out -

take them all out.

My pleasure.

Power up the laser guns.

Engage the nucleator.

Switch to loudspeakers, please.

MACHINE BEEPS Right, I'm not being funny,

but the battery's saying... Just do it.

Debbie of Maddox!

Hope you've had a nice day...

cos it was your last.

Lock on targets.

Nobody move.

Does that include running away?

Activate pulse cannons.

Prime photon grenade.

-COMPACTOR: -Battery warning! Battery warning!

You may have made a mockery of me

in the past,

but when a great man falls,

he always gets back up.

TRIGGER CLICKS -COMPACTOR: -Oh, I did warn you.

Huh?

HE GROANS

Ow.

Well, don't just stand there, you cretins.

-Eat lead! -Ow!

So, my trousers say I've been shot...

Oh...

Ah-hah! I'll get them! Charge!

Ugh. THEY GASP

Ugh...

THUD

MACHINE HUMS

Let me deal with him, your eminence.

I will not fail you.

Good, for I do not tolerate failure.

Anyway, we should return to the chamber.

This land won't run itself.

Well, technically, it just did.

So what do we need you for, you know what I'm saying?

Erm, who will...

give you...?

Public holidays.

Yes, like today, which shall henceforth be known as,

erm...

No, I've gone blank.

-Blank holiday!Yes. -Yes.

Today is a blank holiday.

CHEERING A whole day off! No work!

We can do anything we want, man.

Yeah!

Why would you...?

I don't know.

We're cousins.

Yeah, I know, it's weird. Damn right, it's weird.

Well, Yonderland may be safe for now,

but we must be on our guard.

For as sure as the moons rise,

she will return.

Oh, scary, wasn't it?

So, Trevor.

We're still cool, right?

No, we are not cool!

Oh, be like that.

Hello.

Ow!

Why's dad in the cupboard?

No-one knows. He lives there now.

Mum, what's this?

Yeah, that came for you earlier.

Well, if it's not the electrics, then it really is a mystery.

I won't be a sec.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,

"than are dreamt of in all your philosophies."

THEY GASP Oh, that is so much better!

I have been in here forever.

You must be Debbie.

No?

Subtitles by Ericsson

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