Original subtitles

I am so sorry, Your Eminence.

Beaten by some wizard,

trapped by King Bernard

and now outsmarted by a village of idiots,

actual idiots.

This so-called Chosen One,

I shall have her killed this very day.

No, you've had your chance.

I shall come and dispatch her myself.

You're coming here?

Is that a problem? No, no. I'll get pastries.

And we shall go through those anomalies with your accounts.

I trust I shall not find any...extravagances.

Ready for your massage, sir? I'll come back.

You have until the two moons meet.

Do not disappoint me!

Times up, Debbie of Maddox.

I've been made a mockery of

for the very last time.

Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces would sweep our realm

until only Yonderland remained.

But they told also of a saviour

come from a distant world

to save us from the shadows.

Can you dig?

-What are you saying? -All I'm saying is if I'd have been you,

I wouldn't have grown my head on that end.

Well, since we're being open and honest about everything,

I think you have a weird nose. True.

Now!

I've got him, Oh, blackest of holes.

Then part one of my plan is complete.

You leave Debbie alone.

Look at him squirm like a flutter bug on a hook.

You're just bait now, Elf,

and there's nothing you can do to - I can do that.

You could that, but what's it achieving?

Oi! You give that back.

Take him away and torture him.

Come on, you. Rita?

Yeah? -Fetch me the tramp's clothing. -OK.

Whoa, I'm not a tramp.

I'm an alternative lifestyle guru.

Now...

for part two.

'I say, the problem with West Brom's defence is the centre back.'

Exactly. They should never have sold de Sousa.

Rubbish. It's midfield. There's no-one protecting the back four.

'The problem is you don't have a midfielder

screening the back four. They need protection'

'That's a good point.' Thanks, Jim.

How come they always agree with you? There's an obvious answer.

It's like kissing Mark Lawrenson. How would you know?

Cos I'm having an affair with him.

Hang on, kids.

I'm on business!

Who are you? Where's Elf?

Forgive me. I am but a lowly -

I am but a lowly messenger

sent by the Elders to tell of grave news.

Not Elf. No, tell me that he's not - Captured by Negatus -

Then we've got to go and rescue him.

Yes, that. Perfect.

I mean, good idea, you.

We must hurry. Come. Hang on. Who did you say you were again?

I am a lowly messenger -

Yeah, I know, but what's your name?

Oh, my name? Yes, of course.

How silly of me. My name is...

Di...rty... Er...

Knee...

Dirty Ernie? Yes, that is what they call me.

Now we must make haste. Hang on.

The Elders have got like a realm

of gallants and wizards at their disposal

and they send someone who, no offence,

looks like they live in a bin.

That is a good point. You see -

That's my scarf. Where did you get this?

Did Elf give you that? Yes.

Yes, he did.

You see, I tried to save the elf.

I tried to punch Negatus

on his big, naughty face,

but to no avail.

Elf gave me this scarf

and told me to give it to its true owner

and they would know what to do. Yeah. I know what to do, all right.

I think it's time me and Negatus had a few words.

Come on, Ernie. Huh? Oh, yes. That is me, yes.

Come, come.

Something feels wrong.

Debbie, it's Nega-

Oh! Nick!

Nick, wake up. What happened?

Yes, he hasn't been himself lately.

I think he's got wood...crabs.

Best let him rest. Come. This way.

No. Wait. Hang on.

We can't just wander up to Negatus' layer and walk in.

We might be able to... No way.

Negatus is a deeply insecure,

loathsome, spineless creep.

Well, he might give that impression,

but I'm sure in private,

he can be thoughtful, caring, witty even.

Believe me, Ernie. You clearly don't know him as well as I do.

Oh, don't I?

So you do know him then? No. Not at all.

I was just talking.

Do quieter asides.

What? Nothing.

Nothing. You can move on.

Right, then.

Let the torture...begin!

Look, you don't have to do this.

It's - No, no. Wait, wait, wait!

Let's not be hasty.

What do you wanna know? -What do you mean? -Hey?

Well, you don't just -torture people for no reason. -What?

You torture them for information.

What do we wanna know?

Maybe we should find out everything.

Just to be safe. -Yeah, right. -Yeah.

What is the name of your mother?

Oh! Oh, no, ask me anything but that!

Here we go. I give up. I give up.

Her name is... Mary.

Mary. I knew it!

But please, don't ask me about my aunties or uncles.

Fair enough. What's your favourite song from a musical or play?

Well - Shut up.

Right, let's start with the aunties, shall we?

You animals!

But if we must. Right, then.

Maternal side first. You might need a pen.

Oh, right. Get a pen. Right. Get a pen.

So, we've got

-Marjorie. -Marjorie. -Janet. -Janet.

Fat Bev. Fat Bev...

Where's my pen?

We're wasting time.

His lair is that way... I think.

Ernie, with the greatest respect, I don't you from Adam.

Who is this 'Adam'? It doesn't matter.

The point is I'm not going to just head off to face an evil maniac

with a total stranger as my only backup.

I've watched way to much Crimewatch, so we're gonna get some help.

What do you mean, 'help'?

Debbie! Debbie!

Of course we'll help, Debbie. We owe you everything.

Since you gave me my Mojo back,

we've gone from strength to strength.

Learnt new spells and everything.

Oh, yeah. Tea.

You're supposed to concentrate. You concentrate, you bearded goat.

Oh, so it's my fault, is it? Oh, shut up, you hairy...

Ms Debbie,

I think this idea may be unwise.

We must travel light if we are to save the elf.

On the contrary, Filthy John.

If anything, we need more help.

No matter how black you think Negatus' heart is,

he will always shock you with his loathsome despicableness.

Well, I imagine he's under a lot of pressure.

What with budget reports, managing minions,

you can kiss goodbye to your love life.

So we've got brains and magic and...

I'm sure Grubby Jim's got some hidden talents,

but what we need is brawn.

Somebody skilled in the art of war.

Hmm...

Debbie!

It would be an honour, dear Debbie.

I would gladly lay down my life for you.

And I'd do it twice. -Huzzah! -Huzzah!

Come on. Let's go.

Barkeep, take this coin for your work this day.

And this for your trouble.

And this for your pains. And this for your toil.

And this for those lovely - Come on!

Our combat skills will aid you in your mission,

but, Debbie, do not forget

that Negatus is a deplorable cross

between a serpent and an ugly pig.

You flatter him. He is cheating, lying scum,

so we may need some deceit on our side.

Know you of any proficient liars?

-Hello. Monk. -Monk. -Monk. -And Monk.

And have we got a property for you

with the lowest prices in all the lands.

Debbie!

Scratch that. Our prices are sky high.

And we don't have any properties. Perfect.

A couple of those should do. Debbie!

Perhaps not that one.

Of course, true strength comes in numbers.

How might we swell our ranks?

If you had any pizzas, I'd probably do business.

I think we've probably got enough. Oh, no.

I'm just going to drain the old...

Does Dirty Ernie seem a bit off to you?

He seems OK to me,

but you know what they say,

'If you can smell damp, there's usually rot.'

Especially if you bought it from us.

Yes? My lord, we have found out

many things from the prisoner.

His father was a butcher - Bruce.

Yes, I know. He was called Bruce.

He has a nephew who's in the fabric business -

Whoa, whoa! What is all this crud?

Information, oh, blackest of dresses.

I didn't ask you to get information.

I asked you to torture him.

What's the point of that? I don't need one!

I'm pure, motiveless evil.

Despicable, apparently. Haven't you heard?

Everyone else has. -Well, now you mention it. -No.

We don't need the elf any more.

Debbie has taken the bait.

So, what do we do with him?

Kill him.

Evil, evil, evil...

I'll show them who's despicable.

Who's that then? Oh, my God!

Nobody. Nothing. I'm just...

Oh, it's down my leg. Unbelievable.

Wait. Wait. I need to rest.

I'm walking for two here. Hey! Are you calling me fat?

Yeah, you're like a bowling ball in a fur handbag.

Apologise.

I'm sorry. -Not you. -Sorry.

Stop apologising! Sorry!

Are we there yet? Stop asking that question.

I'm sorry. Not you! -Sorry!

Everybody, just shut up!

Let's all just take five.

Oh! Now, if we're gonna save Elf,

we can't be at each other's throats

like those animals that attack throats.

We need to find a way to become a team.

Go on. Keep your line, son.

Oh, Bradley. If you're going to head it, at least take your hat off.

Ernie, what are you doing? Get out on the wing.

I don't like sports. Come on, it's just a bit of fun.

I don't like fun either. Anyway, I'd probably just be rubbish at it.

So? That never stopped Villa.

Oh, go on, Ernie. Now's your chance.

I said no!

If you, Miss Fanshaw,

Rachel, would do me the honour

of becoming my wi-

Let's just live in sin.

Finally!

Rachel!

Yes!

What did I do? You only ruddy scored.

Really?

You're the man of the match.

You mean, I'm good at something?

You hear that, Father?

I'm good!

Next goal wins? Yeah!

Go on, boys.

Wait, wait. There are some half cousins I haven't told you about.

You can't fool us any more, Elf.

Prepare to die.

So is that your cousin's cousin?

or your cousin's cousin's -

Shut up.

..cousin? Goodbye, Elf.

Wasn't me. Didn't touch it!

Perimeter alarm. Positions!

See, Miss Debbie? Negatus' back door.

And no guards. The guy's a halfwit.

Thanks, Ernie. You're a real team player.

Go on, then. Lead the way.

Wait! Up there. Look.

You call those defences? What a joke.

Not a hilarious one, admittedly.

Invisibility cloak. Quick, everyone under!

Quick, Ernie. Come on. We won't leave without you.

Ernie, what are you doing?

There is no 'Ernie', fools!

Now, look with fear upon my true face.

Good God, I'm thick.

And you were all just prawns in my game.

Did he just say - -I wouldn't. -OK.

Hand Debbie over, or you will all be annihilated.

Your meagre bullets

are no match for our swords.

It's possible you don't understand bullets.

Death or glory! No, no, wait!

No, Debbie, don't! It's OK. This isn't your fight.

Debbie! Honestly, guys,

I can look after myself. Go on. Go.

That's a team order.

I trusted you.

Then I have taught you a valuable lesson.

Demons.

Take her to the cells.

Debbie? What are you doing?

You shouldn't have come. I couldn't just leave you here.

So this is a rescue? Well, not a brilliant one,

but the thought was there.

Nick! What happened?

He's been out cold all day with wood crabs.

Which I now realise is made up.

Are you gonna kill us? Oh, no.

We've got someone really special

coming to do that.

Greetings, Your Eminence. Please come through to the welcome room.

Welcome room? Another extravagance?

No, no. Merely a figure of speech.

Dismantle the welcome room.

Well, do you have one or not?

No, no. Well, maybe just a small one.

There have been some minor modernisations,

but I can explain.

Oh, you want me to explain.

Um...

After you.

Well, see you then, guys.

Bye. Bradley.

Take care.

Hang on. Shouldn't we try to get inside and save Debbie?

But you heard her.

'Go. That's a team order,' she said.

Yes, I forgot about that.

Bye-bye, then.

No, no, no. Wait. Did Debbie abandon us when we needed her help?

-No. -So what would Debbie do in this situation?

Be a woman. Wear a bra?

Am I warm? What's wrong with you?

She'd come up with some clever plan.

And if we all work together as a team,

we can come up with something just as good.

Well, half as good. Let's be realistic.

Yeah. So come on. Who's in?

I am. -Yes. -And I.

Go, team!

Yes! Ssh.

What is the plan?

What? Good evening.

Monk, Monk, Monk and Monk Estate Agents.

And have we got a home for you.

Not interested.

Uh, buy two properties and get a free...

pen!

What colour is pen?

As you can see, the very small amount

of extra expenditure

has already yielded a 4% increase in evil

across the land.

Excuse me. And that's before you add on

the tax benefits of the onsite masseuse.

Oh, just take me to the prisoners.

Of course, Your Eminence. Of course.

The question really is town or country?

Yeah. Whether you want to go town or go country, really?

Or just go, go, go, really.

Go, go, go. That's our motto.

-Go! -This is a perfect example right here.

Love being evil. Yeah.

What was that?

You see anything? No.

Well, apart from these two fellas.

After you.

No, after you. -No, after you. -I insist.

After you. -No, after you. -One each?

Seems fair.

Must be deadbolted from the inside.

Well, I know what we could try.

Eh? Mm.

Amazing. It's like he's a puppet.

The boss is here. Open the door.

Why do you sound so weird?

Who are you? My therapist? Open the door.

OK.

Technically, I shouldn't be opening this door for anyone.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Whereas this one's battleship grey.

Colour coding all the corridors was expensive,

but it does mean you never get lost.

Nick, wake up. After you.

What's wrong with him?

Actually, the cells might be, uh...

that way, yes. Nick, Nick!

It's a trap.

I guess you knew that already.

It's this way, Your Eminence.

I think it might be time to leave.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Ah, here we are. Well, we took the scenic route, but -

The portal! She's escaping!

Oh, good.

Debbie...

No...

Oh, come on. Get on with it.

So, if you'd like to sign here. OK.

Congratulations on your new home.

Homes. Homes.

Filthy pen?

All yours.

I mean, rescue aside, that's a hell of a commission.

And there must have been, what? 30 demons?

There were three of them. Why do you do that?

So, who was that?

In the veil? No idea.

Probably a wrong number. Cake?

Elf, just tell me. OK.

You might wanna sit down.

Peter! Oh, my God. Quick. Everyone out now!

See you soon.

Only me.

I see that West Brom took your advice.

What do you mean? They've signed that...

Tatiani. Dirty Ernie?

No, Rudi Tatiani from Spurs.

After they swore he wasn't for sale.

Yeah, you would have thought Loro would have given you the heads up.

You know, a bit of pillow talk.

Yeah, well, we don't really talk. He just wants me for my body.

Debs?

So sorry, Your Eminence.

It is the people in this land,

they want to help her.

They seem to...

like her.

Fools!

Go play with your toys. I wish to be alone.

'For only the Chosen One

can align the fates

and save the 12 lands

from the forces of darkness.'

This cannot be.

This cannot be!

What's happening? What is this?

Imperatrix, she's here.

Then Debbie must prevail or the Last Land is doomed.

Oh, no. Set robes to off.

The end...

I fear this is...

the end.

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