Original subtitles

Hi. Here. mate. Erm...here...

MEN: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

-Thank you! -So, literally, a thousand thank yous?

Of course. You have finally taught us how to fend for ourselves,

so we will come straight to you with any other problems we might have.

Great! Well, at least that's the end of the flesh dragon.

Yeah, cos they never come back to -life.What?Nothing! -I'm sick!

I was... I was going to go swimming,

but then the man was sick all over my hand.

Come on, Gwennit! I love you, Debbie. Thank you.

Why do you have to overdo it every time we have visitors?

HE CHUNDERS Oh, great!

Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces would sweep our realm

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour,

come from a distant world to save us from the shadows... I reckon.

CHILDREN CHATTER No! Shoes on feet, please.

Hi, Debs, it's me.

Erm... I'm just about to take the twins to...

Yeah, but I can't find any of their erm...

Hm. OK.

Oh, OK, doesn't matter.

Anyway...their race starts at three o'clock

and then the mums' race starts at ten to, so I assume you're going to be going straight there from...

cro...croc-het...crochet!

I've never seen that written down before.

Anyway, I'll see you later. Don't be late.

Hm. Yeah, you too.

OK, look, we get this sword back to thingy the whatsit and then I have to go.

What's the rush? It's only a sports -day. -Right, you know those kids I had?

Ohh! Them again!

Well, they're kind of important. If they're in a race, I'm going to be there.

Plus they've got a mums' race. We've got a mums' race. A whole tribe of mums, no men.

We don't know how they do it.

I've heard rumours. HE LAUGHS

Oh, what?! I'm ruining this jacket!

It's new! It's North Face!

-The God of war?What? -What? BUGLE SOUNDS

Oh!

BUGLE

Whoa, there.

'Attention. This knight is reversing.'

Fair maiden.

Tell me, did it hurt? Oh, no, it's just a snag.

When you fell from the heavens. -Ha! Classic! -Oh, God.

Did they catch the thief who stole the stars and put them in your eyes?

Because I'd like to shake his hand.

Then again, he's a thief and I'm against that, so...

How do I feel about this guy? I'm sure you think you're very charming...

My face leaves in five minutes... Don't. Come on, let's go.

I like your spirit...and bottom. Have you ever heard of "sexism"?

Mm! I'm looking right at it. That's a "no" then.

I see you are a warrior. This sword was forged in the fires of Banthia.

And you wear the mark of the war -god. -No, it's from Millets.

And I'm returning the sword, -so give it back. -A quest you say?

Then you shall need a brave -companion. -Er...

Then I, Philip of Woolworth, shall return this sword

to its rightful owner, or I shall die trying...

Whoa! It's OK, I don't think it went all the way through.

BRANCH CRACKS My mistake.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Yes! Get...in!

Get right in!

♪ So happy Do the zing-a-ling! ♪

With Philip of Woolworth...

Oh, God! Haven't done that for a while.

I'll be sick a bit.

With Philip of Woolworth dead the tournament's wide open

for the first time in centuri!

We can finally avenge Todd.

And Martin, Carl. Haven't forgotten you, Avril.

They let me down, so I had to kill them all.

Does this mean you'll be competing yourself, oh, lithe and limber one?

Of course. I absolutely...would if it wasn't for my wretched knee.

But, luckily, I have people to do my bidding for me.

-Helmet guy. -All right?

HE WHISTLES

And I do feel bad about it, really,

but...technically, it wasn't even my sword.

Oh, it's too complicated, -let's kill her!ALL: -Yes!

It was an accident, honestly!

He was sort of flirting with me -and... ALL: -Oh!

Honestly, who does he think he is? Yeah, it worked on me....twice!

Where have you been all my life? I'm five, mate.

Sirs and siresses, what about grand tournament?

It's a sort of Olympics for knights. Philip of Woolworth has been realm champion for 7,000 centuri.

That's about 51⁄2 years. He was our Monpompee!

-No idea. -Pride of our people, strongest of our race!

-Ohh! -Who will defend the title now?

Erm...

-No! -But you are the Chosen One! Ohh! That changes things on so many levels.

But hang on, I'm not a knight! I can't literally fight your battles for you!

ALL SIGH

-Bye! -Then I guess Negatus will win. Negatus?

He always enters someone in the tournament. He's obsessed with it.

After all, everyone loves a winner.

How are we for time? If the kid's race is at three my time?

Three o'clock your time? Tomorrow afternoon here. Loads of time!

OK, fine. OK, fine... I can help.

-ALL:Yes! -A thousand thanks yous!

Don't. But, listen, who's like the second strongest?

FANFARE No!

So it's like a sleepover, but it's...

What?

Of course, to claim the ultimate prize will require the ultimate warrior.

And I, don't tell the boss, have managed to lay my hands on...quite a good one.

Finally returned from the 99 Years War... Oh, so close!

I give you the most feared fighter this realm has e'er known...

Emmanuel! ALL GASP

THEY LAUGH Ssh!

Oh, no, the boss! ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

Get him out of here! Get him out of here!

Your Eminence, what a pleasant surprise.

I wasn't expecting... Who relieved Emmanuel of his command?

-I did, Your Eminence. -What?!

I need him to compete...

Er.. complete-ly destroy that woman I was telling you about.

Calls herself the Chosen One, has her eye on the realm so I've heard.

-This realm shall be mine. -Well, yeah, that's what I thought, so...

Very well, have Emmanuel neutralise this... pretender!

As you command, Your Eminence.

And let nothing distract him from -this task. -Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

-Come on. -That's it! Keep up the energy! That's it!

WHISTLE CHEERING

Star jump. Star jump. Star jump!

CHEERING

That's it. More from the shoulder. -More aggression. -That's it.

And knee to the elbow. Knee to the elbow.

Knee to the elbow. Knee to the elbow.

CHEERING

There's your motivation. Yeah, that's it. Oh!

And snaky head. And snaky head. And snaky head.

-That's it!That's it!Yes! -Go on!

CHEERING

Yes!

HE GRUNTS

Only 1.3 off Sir Phillip's record. We might just have a chance.

We? We?! Why, you impertinent...

No, no, I meant "you". I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-What's wrong with beefcake? -It's my fault, I spoke above my class.

What is this, Downton? He's a noble, I'm a humble page, he's better. It's written.

And you're all right with that? You get used to it.

You, come talc my downstairs. Well...most of it.

Right, great news!

By my calculations, we can watch most of the tournament and still have you home in time for this race.

No, I'm not cutting it fine.

What if it starts early, Ben wins silver and I miss it? Off the top of my head?

Spread a doping rumour about the kid who came first, -demand a restart. -Elf.

Oh, come on! We need to get behind meathead.

You saw him out there, he could take on 20 demons and not break a sweat. ELF SIGHS

He doesn't need me any more. ELF GASPS

Oh, no! A flesh dragon! Should have -kept the sword! -Extra! Extra!

-No, hang on. -Get your news!

It's a news dragon. You all right? You want some news?

-We'll have some news. -Left wing or -right wing? -Erm...right wing.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Negatus, the much-loved philanthropist and fundraiser...

-Left wing. -All right then, left wing.

Power-hungry villain Negatus

today announced suspected war criminal Emmanuel will be his entrant to the grand tournament,

despite...

HE SIGHS

-I'll come back. -Oh, no! This is bad. This is...really bad!

Why? Is Emmanuel any good? -Is he any good?! -You've never heard of Emmanuel?

You've never heard of socks! Ha! Owned!

Oh, come off it, ladies, he can't be all that bad.

HE GASPS

HE WHIMPERS

HE SCREAMS

So the big purple fella has cut the little fella's arm off.

-Oh! -And his other arm.

And a leg. And... Oh, look, a flutterbug!

Waste of time, can't get 'em to -focus. -Hm.

SCREAMING BOTH GASP

Oh!

Yeah, he's pretty good!

He's a psychopath. We don't stand a chance.

He is good, sir. But with my training and your natural bravery...

HE WHIMPERS

He'll be back. He just needs some time...

EXPLOSION BEEFCAKE WHIMPERS

Well, you are really screwed now.

My career's over!

I'm going to have to sell my ass...

and I love that donkey.

No, look, it won't come to that.

We'll just find another champion. Tournament's tomorrow!

OK, well, what about you?

HE SNIGGERS

THEY LAUGH

ALL LAUGH

Only nobles can compete. -It's written. -Written, I know.

A page's place is to serve,

to train...and, occasionally, if they get lonely, to...

Erm...no page has ever appeared in a tournament, ever.

Maybe it's time for a change. Like when women got the vote.

HE LAUGHS

Are you telling me that women...? Yeah, one thing at a time, eh?

Look, we're just going to have to face it, Negatus will take ultimate prize

and there's nothing we can do -about it. -Oh, yes, we can.

The show's not over till the -fat lady sings.Who? -What -fat lady? -Are you on drugs?

How long have you been training -champions? -Since the moon was in the seventh house.

-A long time. -Well, exactly. So no-one knows more about this tournament than you.

But it's written! The Da Vinci Code was written, doesn't mean it's any good.

-You could be an inspiration! -To who? SHE SIGHS

LAUGHTER

Imagine it now, a page on that podium.

There's so much more to you than talcing someone's...downstairs.

And I can...

Are you certain I'd have -time? -What for the -tournament?Yeah. -Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, that's it then. I'll come and help. I will be your page.

-My page? -Yeah. Show those smug idiots in there that times are changing.

But I'm going to draw the line at the talc thing, OK? What do you say?

You...

Oh, I don't know!

SHE SIGHS What about wood?

-What? -Can wood vote where you're -from? -No!

Typical. Woodism! SHE SIGHS

HE SIGHS Got me nuts, got me grapple juice.

Mm! Afternoon of games. 'Hello there.'

Well, the big news overnight is that Negatus has entered Emmanuel into this grand tournament,

prompting all other competitors to pull out.

I'm joined here by former champion, Sir Ian of Mace.

Ian, how will this development affect the tournament?

The difference with these games is there won't be any games,

there's going to be an opening ceremony, a closing ceremony,

and then home in time for highlights.

Assuming there are any. Right. Which there won't be.

Well, with nothing more to discuss, let's go over to the stadium,

where the Chief of the Council of Elders will now formally open proceedings.

Council of Idiots more like!

HE LAUGHS WEAKLY It's times like these, you wish you had buddies.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Go! CHEERING

And with the tournament now officially open, all that remains is the closing ceremony.

-Ian, thoughts? -No.

BOOING

Not a popular winner, Ian. No, well, he did try and wipe out the Elephantians,

and those guys never forget.

There's the teapot.

I taught him that.

But he's our winner and we've all just got to accept it.

Er...no. I'm going to have to stop you there, Ian,

because it looks like... Yes! We have another competitor!

CHEERING

Who is this?

A new page.

Cos I'm a page and also you turn a -page. -I know, I get it. Go on!

-A page?! -But it is written...

-Shouldn't be allowed! -Is it a child?

I dunno, mate, but he's really, really skinny.

Judge me not!

I mean, do not judge me!

I know what is written, I've read it. We all have.

-I haven't. -It's OK, I've read it -twice. -Oh, aye.

But just because something is written, does that mean it's right?

No! Cos Kevin's not even allowed in the woods...and Mahoney's my favourite.

When you going to marry me, Linda?

Look, all I'm saying is we can't just let Negatus take ultimate prize without a fight.

-What? -And if no-one else will face Emmanuel,

then should a few ancient words on some dusty old parchment

stop a humble page from trying?

Well, he makes a fair point.

Could it be re-written? What if robes were optional?

-No. -Oh.

What say ye?

I mean, what do ye say. You.

Erm...it is...

It is decided.

The page...

-..may compete! -Well, he's an unlikely champion, Ian,

but, unless I'm very much mistaken, we have ourselves a tournament!

Yeah, but, Gary, he's no knight.

Question is, has he the globes to master the four heraldic disciplines.

I'm talking about archery,

swordplay, brute strength

-and my favourite...kissing. -Yeah.

Ah, this newcomer must really be feeling the pressure

as he steps up to the mark.

Wait a minute...this kid could actually be good.

Need a kebab! ALL GASP

HE LAUGHS Tough luck, buddy!

So, I suppose what I'm asking, Miss Fanshawe...

Rachel... SHE GASPS

is... ARROW THUDS

HE WHIMPERS

HE SCREAMS

CHEERING

So... I've signed you up for the -mums' race. -Lovely.

And...the twins are up shortly after that.

But they are running slightly ahead of schedule, so...

Well, just don't cut it too fine. Oh, and you have got to see Oli's mum's hair.

OK, bye.

Well, after his crushing defeat in the weightlifting,

it's great to see such valiant swordplay from our plucky page there.

Yeah, but with one event to go, it's just too little too late for me, mate.

Ah, the kissing. My favourite round.

Although the kissing attracts the big points, it's those extra marks for style, persistence,

flirtation that can really make the difference out there.

So it's not just kissing a lady. Not this lady, Gary. She's a pro.

25 five years on the...in the game and I tell you what,

for five of those years, well, she certainly taught me a thing or two.

MAN HOLLERS

There he is... Emmanuel, big fella.

Let's hope he's brought his A game. We'll, they're ready to go.

She just needs to...give him the eye.

WOLF WHISTLE

-And the clock's ticking! -She's headed straight to the kissing gate.

The question is, will he follow?

-He's making a move! -No!

-Oh! -That's gotta hurt! SHE GIGGLES

If I were Emmanuel, I'd head straight for the wall.

And he has! That is straight out of the training manual.

SHE GASPS But he's spooked her!

He has spooked her! Fact is, mate, the clock is ticking.

You know, he's gotta go for it! Move in. Move in. Move in.

CROWD GASPS Yes! Nice move.

And what's this?!

I don't believe it! That's a little bit old school for me.

What are you talking about old school, that's classic!

OK, he's moving in. It looks big. It's a huge score!

What's our underdog got in reply. Beat that, skinny boy!

Speaking of which, where is our underdog?

CROWD SLOW-HAND CLAPS

Hey, what are you doing? You've got to get out there.

-I can't do it. -Yes, you can. You're doing really well.

No, I can't do...that.

I've... I've never...

Kissed?! SHE SIGHS

Look, it's not difficult, I promise you.

It just sort of happens. Like when you love someone,

or you meet a friend, -or just for luck. -For luck?

Yeah, sometimes...

God this place is weird!

For luck.

Where is he?!

CHEERING

Well, he's out Gary, but he's got no time to use the course. He's blown it.

He's got nothing!

CHEERING

-What on realm is he doing?! -I've no idea, mate, but this is madness!

Er...!

Where did he learn to kiss like that?!

CHEERING

Debbie!

SHE GASPS

CHEERING

-No!Oh! -Ripper!

Nobody saw that one coming!

Well, somebody seems happy with the result. Yeah, the crowd are going crazy!

-Wonderful scenes. -Let's go. Emmanuel's back-room team need to carefully consider....

HE LAUGHS ..need to carefully consider how to come back from this one.

And now I shall have to kill him.

Ow!

'Mums are under starter's orders.'

'And they're off!'

CHEERING

'Which brings us to our final event today...'Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

-Hey. -Oh, you missed the mums. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

'Are we ready there with year one?' This is them, the twins.

Yeah. Wouldn't miss it for a world...the world. The world.

WHISTLE Go, Hayley! Go, Ben!

Come on, Ben! Come on, Hayley!

BOTH: Yes! Yes!

'And first place goes to Hayley Maddox! Well done, Hayley!'

Well, I don't think anyone will forget this tournament in a hurry.

That's right, I mean it's great to see the little guy take the ultimate prize,

but I think the real winner today is equality. What do you reckon, mate?

Well, I'm not really a people person.

Well, I agree, Ian.

And with that sentiment in mind, perhaps it's also time we finally gave women the vote.

ALl LAUGH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd