Original subtitles

The end.

I fear that this could be the end.

With all the other lands now fallen, surely ours will be next.

The dark forces shall prevail

and the peace that we have marshalled these past...

These past centuri will surely be gone for ever.

HE SNORES

Unless...

-Wise Ones. -Feet.

SHUFFLING

Wise Ones, I think I've found her.

ALL MURMUR

CHILDREN ARGUE WOMAN: One. Two. Three.

Four. Five.

Pete, counting to five's stopped working.

Yeah, happened at the weekend.

You've got to bribe them with chocolate now. SHE GROANS

Guys, guys, one picture in uniform to show you love Mummy, please.

Well, I'm going to tell Mummy. Did you get one?

It's lovely. It reminds me of Christmas.

Right, come on, guys. We can't be late first day.

Come on. Move! Come on!

Right, I think we've settled which one's the "Poohead with poo on their head"

but we've lost a shoe, so...

Are you sure you're OK? Yeah, yeah. No, I'm fine.

-It's only school. -Exactly.

Look, you know where I am if you need to talk so...

SHE SOBS Oh, no, no, no, no...

BABBLES TEARFULLY

I know, I know. I know, darling, I know. I know.

Yeah, but you're not like Tina are you?

-No. -No. Come on.

FLY BUZZES

Is she a warrior?

She can kill when she needs to.

Arggh!

Any other skills?

Wrestling. Pretty good with a blade.

Ow!

Some basic magic.

It's time to play What's In The Box?

She doesn't sound very impressive.

Trevor, you're a blob.

Perhaps she has hidden talents.

-WOMAN: -And five, six, seven, eight.

Maybe. But mostly it seems to be...

-TV: -Good afternoon and welcome to What's In The Box?

And shimmy.

What's In The Box?

It's time to play...

Ow!..What's In The Box?

Sounds like a very dull sequence... of events.

That's as well as may be, but it fits...it all fits.

Then...it is time.

Sounded good, didn't it?

Very good, very good. It's good drama.

-TV: -And welcome to a very special celebrity edition of...

What's In The Box? ..What's In The Box?

Jesus, Debbie, you are going mad.

All right?

Needs a sauce.

THEY BOTH SCREAM

BREATHES RAGGEDLY

It's OK. You're OK.

Everything's OK. That's the spirit.

Arggh! Now, come on, Debbie, it's not real.

You're just having a breakdown.

Ah, that's bad timing, cos we need your help.

I can't hear you. Yes, you're answering, so...

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

Come on, Debbie, we're wasting time.

I know you come with me - it's written.

PHONE RINGS

-What's that? -Shut up.

-ANSWERPHONE: -Hi. This is Debbie and Peter.

Oh, hello again.

We're not here at the moment, so please leave a message after the beep.

OK. BEEP

Um, right, well, the elders have sent..

-WOMAN: -Hiya. It's Ruth. Oh, hello, Ruth!

I said "shut up"! Who - me or Ruth?

I'm just checking you're still up for Bums, Mums and Tums.

-Ha, "bums". -Oh, and there's a new cushion shop that's opened in Acocks Green.

Ah!

-TV: -As we prepare to play What's In The Box?

Come on, Debbie, this is silly. We need your help.

Question is - are you brave enough...to open the box?

Please. We really need you.

-DRAMATICALLY: -Step into the light!

Sorry?

"Step into the light" - I was trying to make it a bit more...

Could you step into the light, please? You won't need the gloves.

Oh. Can I just check - I have gone mad, haven't I?

I'm just here about the portal, but maybe you're bonkers too.

I don't know - I'm not a doctor.

-What is that? -Come on. Wait, I need to... Wait!

Oh, it's beautiful here, Mr Havelock.

It seemed only fitting. You see, Miss Fanshawe... Rachel.

-Oh! -The thing is, I was rather wondering...

Yes? ..if you would do me the honour...

Yes?..of...

Yeah?..of... Yeh?

THEY BOTH SCREAM

Oh. Ohhh.

Arggh!

What happened? Where am I?

-Well, you know the New Forest? -Yeah.

It's like that, but in another world.

What? Right - you know the New Forest?

Where's my kitchen? Am I asleep? Is this a dream?

Did I take Night Nurse?

Oh, well done. You've freaked her out.

SHE SCREAMS I freaked her out?

I told you not to speak.

What the hell is that?

I'm a magic stick. Get over it.

What do you mean, "a magic..." Cheese on toast!

I had cheese on toast. This is a cheese dream, right?

Look, you're bound to have questions,

but best to save them for the elders.

-What elders? -That's a question.

There.

10 days journey across the most treacherous terrain

known to any creature.

Till they built the railway. Been an absolute godsend. Come on.

-Who's that? -Some sort of elf.

No! The ugly one. She's going before the elders.

-Before they what? -I should report this to His Darkship.

YOU report it? I saw her first!

Wait, wait, wait... Report what? Report what?

Come on. Oh, and don't pick the flowers - you won't win.

PLANT RETCHES, BURPS

Needs a sauce.

Miss Fanshawe?

Rachel? RACHEL?

ELDERS MURMUR

Oh, Wise Ones! She is here.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Debbie of Maddox.

Debbie Maddox.

Cross out the "of".

Debbie Maddox, we are the Council of the 12.

The 12 elders from the 12 realms... But there's 11 of you.

11?

Look, OK, this is much nicer than the one

where I'm naked in a French exam,

but at some point, I'm going to wake up and you'll all just...

OW!

Still feel like a dream?

Just a pinch. Couldn't reach the arm.

This is no dream, Debbie.

The ancient scroll foretelled of a woman - "Debbie of Maddox".

The "of" is optional. The Chosen One.

ALL: The Chosen One! OK, can we not do that?

"And, lo, the rift between realms shall deliver Debbie of...

"..Debbie Maddox unto us

"by way of a 3ft-square larder-slash-utility area..."

Look, hold on - I'm not the Debbie you're looking for.

I'm just a mum from Selly Oak

who's having some minor psychological issues.

MAJESTIC MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY Oh, no - it's the other one.

MAJESTIC MUSIC

"For only The Chosen One can align the fates

"and save the 12 lands from the forces of darkness."

So...?

What? We await your teachings, Debbie.

What do you want me to say?

Why you are here. You brought me here. You tell me!

THEY ALL MURMUR

Not really in my job description, but...

So you're saying you dragged me through a portal into another world

to tell me that I'm "The Chosen One"

but you've no idea what I've actually been chosen to do?

Well, that is written on the second scroll.

And where's the second scroll?

Um...

Oh. How many times...? I was drunk!

I definitely had it when I left the tavern.

The scroll tells us her fate.

Well, then, perhaps it is her fate to find the scroll.

Perhaps if we were to cast off these cumbersome robes...

Everybody just shut up.

But we must establish... Ah! Fingers on lips.

-No fingers. -No lips.

Right, here's the thing.

I have two kids to pick up from school in...three hours...

Three hours your time, but in our time...

Fingers on lips! Fingers on lips.

..and in that time,

I would very much like to know why my picture is on that wall.

Sensible suggestions, please.

HE MUMBLES

Finger off lips. Cast off our robes?

Finger back on. Anyone else?

Ask the oracle?

-Hmm.Hmm. -Worth a try.

-OK. -Yes.

Let's ask the oracle.

..Grintallin-Gobscrew-Crotelli Fashanu-F'naw Goplatz-holla-holla.

Can't I just call you "Elf"?

Bit racist.

CHATTERING LAUGHTER

Hello, lady. Whoa!

Slippy fingers.

-All right, Brian? -Susan left me.

Oh, no. Well, keep your chin up, mate.

Wait, Debbie!

Guilty!

I'm not even sorr... HE SCREAMS

SHE GASPS

-Owww! -Red seven!

Come on, then. Cough up.

-I've lost everything. -Winner!

-BOTH: -Oh! After you.

No, no, really - I insist.

No, I insist. After you. No, no - you were here first, sir.

I think it was my fault. You were on your way through.

No, no, no, I wouldn't...

Debbie, come away - this won't end well. Come on.

This is an awful kerfuffle.

I feel like I'm being awkward. I'm in the way, I'm in the way.

-I insist, I insist. -You're not being awkward at all. It's my fault.

I'm being insistent here. I'm being -insistent. -Here we are, then. Don't show me up.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

OK.

GROANING

Ah! Visitors! So long since visitors.

Come.

Chair! Sit!

Oh!

So pretty - so very pretty!

I too know the burden of beauty.

Tea?

Oh, yes. Please. That would be amazing.

What kind of tea?

Er, what sort do you have? None! Cake?

Is this the same as the tea thing? Yes! Biscuits?

Look, whilst I'd love to spend the day

going through the contents of your fictional cupboard,

we, um, actually need your help.

Yeah. You see, I've been pulled into this world by this...

-Him. -Yeah, and no-one seems to know why.

So I was hoping, you know, if you are what they say you are...

A slapper?

What? No! An oracle.

Oh, no, I'm not the oracle, dear. I'm merely his guardian.

Ensuring his health and wellbeing.

-Well, can I see him? -He's dead.

-What? -Hasn't so much as moved in my lifetime.

Or my mother's lifetime.

Or my mother's mother's lifetime.

Or her mother's mother's mother's lifetime.

Or my mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's...

Arggh! It lives!

Ugh.

Oh, that was a mistake.

Oh, speak!

SPEAK.

Oh, that is so much better.

You'll have to keep this short because...

Well, you can see the problem. Every time I...

What do you want?

Well, there's this room full of weird guys.

-Elders. -Yeah.

And they say that I'm "The Chosen One".

But they don't know what I've been chosen to do.

So, any thoughts?

Your future is clouded. Not clear.

Nigel, darling. Oh, hello. There's been a bit of a spillage.

I don't suppose you've seen a cloth anywhere?

-I'll be in in a minute. -All right!

-Talking to the nice lady. -OK.

Where were we?

The path to your true fate begins...begins with...

Do you know a John?

-What? -Or Robert? No?

I'm sensing a Steve.

Or Stephen.

OK, forget that. I see a black dog. Yeah?

-Have you got a dog? -No.

Might be black and white. Ginger. A cat? Could be.

I see a tall, dark stranger.

Oh, no. Come on, this is ridiculous! I do!

Ugh. Bad dreams. What's happening? I'm going home, right?

Stay out of my cupboard.

-Where are we going now? -No, wait!

It is dead.

-Ow. Ow again. -Make it work.

"It"? I do have a name, you know.

Debbie, please.

It's "Nick", since you're so interested.

At the risk of repeating myself - OW!

It doesn't work like that.

It takes both of us to summon the portal.

Well, then, you do it.

But the oracle has spoken - you can't leave now.

He's a fraud. A snake oil salesman.

But he saw your future.

No, he didn't. There is no John or Robert or...

Then, with your permission, sir,

I shall split your handsome head like a ripe melon,

strain the juices and serve them as a pleasant afternoon tea.

-ALL: -Oooh!

What on earth?

As I feared - Gallants. Polite to the death.

Not before I, if you'll permit me,

cleave your arms from your well-toned torso

and use them to viciously beat you to death.

Are they going to...?

Arm yourself, sir. If you'd indulge me.

Oh, my God - they are.

En garde, dear fellow. Time permitting.

Step aside, ma'am. I'll deal with this.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

All this bickering is no way to settle a score.

Now, what started this quarrel? Hmm?

As I thought - a matter of very little consequence

and one best sorted in the proper and time-honoured fashion -

A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

ALL CHEER You know the rules.

Oh, my God! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.

Honestly, you're like kids.

Now, I'll tell you exactly how this started -

over that door there and who should go through it first.

Ah, yes. I believe I started it.

Oh, no - I insist that was my fault.

Well, we'll see about that. No, no, no.

Now, I've had a very long day, and I'm not going to stand here

and watch two silly boys kill each other over a door.

So you're going to apologise and everyone's going to go home.

-ALL: -What?

Aren't they?

Well, I suppose it would save on the paperwork.

There we go. You - say, "Sorry".

-Sorry. -And what do you say?

-MUMBLES:Sorry. -Properly.

Sorry. Good. That's better. Now shake.

Hands.

Oh, my... Hands. Yeah?

This is good. All yours.

With this hand-gripping ritual replacing our daily bloodbath,

for the first day in living memory, there will be no killing.

ALL CHEER

Is this a joke?

Stopped a war, so they say.

Glows in the dark, they say.

They say she's the Chosen One.

Are you hearing this?

HE SNIFFS Lovely toes.

-What? -Nothing.

HE GROANS Shut up!

Aye.

Um... Yeah!

As I have said...11 times now,

all I did was ask some people not to kill each other, which is just...

-ALL: -Wise.

No! No! It's not wise.

That's the point.

I-I just happened to stop some childish argument between...

Oh, um... John of Temple Meads.

And, uh... Robert. Just "Robert".

..between John and Robert there.

-I helped! -Oh, shut up, Steve.

Stephen in public.

And just because John...

-ORACLE: -Do you know a John? Or Robert?

I'm sensing a Steve or Stephen.

I see a tall, dark stranger...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Move.

DOG BARKS

"A dog, maybe a cat."

The path to your true fate begins...

Oh, my God. Am I...?

The Chosen One.!

-CROWD: -The Chosen One!

ALL CHEER

I've got to pick up the twins!

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.

You'll need us.

Excellent, excellent.

Well, early days, but it's her, all right.

The Chosen One. -ALL: -THE CHOSEN ONE!

Please stop doing that.

Hey, chu-chi face. How was your day?

Um...

Look, I know how this is going to sound, OK,

so just bear with me -

but there is another world in the back of the larder

and I think I'm supposed to save it.

And I'm telling you because that's just what we do, OK?

So I want you to promise me now that crazy as that sounds,

when I turn around, nothing has changed between us.

OK?

Now, look, I got these, but they're not peas -

they're called, um, "eda-mame"?

But if we're only going to have them with sausages, that's probably all right, isn't it?

-Yes, perfect. -Yeah?

Oh, sorry, love - what were you saying about your...your day?

Oh, just...just the usual, really.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Your Shadowyness, I have news. WE have news.

Yes, but I thought we'd agreed that I would say it.

No, you see, we didn't... No, no, no. Hang on.

Look, I've got a memo... You two.

Silence!

What news?

-BOTH: -She has come.

Who has?

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