All language subtitles for Tucker and Dale vs. Evil glish

Are you sure
we should be doing this?

This is still a crime scene.

Sack up, Billy.

It's called "investigative journalism”
for a reason.

Yeah, but don't we
need, like, a press pass

or a permit or something?

Press pass this!

You know, the police missed something
here, I can feel it.

What do you say, Billy?

Won't a Peabody Award look great
up on your --

Oh!

Yo, Chuck, speed up, man!

Yeah, man, speed up.

Yeah, guys, this is my dad's car.

So, if ll go any faster,
he will kill me.

Holy shit!

Jesus, that was close.

You fucking assholes!

We are in hillbilly country now, boys.
Squeal like a pig!

Soo-ee!-ee!

'Cause they're not in your fraternity
doesn't mean they're freaks.

Well, actually, it does, Allison.

You see, you're either Omega Beta
or you're a freak.

Omega Beta!

Omega Beta!

I am in a car full of morons.

No, if we were morons,
we wouldn't have thought

to bring this.

Okay, I stand corrected.
You are a fucking genius.

Hey, hey, Chuck, speed up, man.
They're gonna pass us.

Oh, geez.
Whoa, Jesus.

Did you see the way
those guys looked at us?

Hey, guys!

Guys!

We forgot the beer!

Are you sure you got
everything you need?

Once you get up there...

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah.
Where's your beer at?

Beer's in the back.

You see the way them kids look?

Read that list back to me again.

Okay. 3/4-inch nails.

Hacksaw.

Baling hooks.

Brush-clearing scythe.

Clamps...

Hey, Chad, do we need more bug s--

Chad?

Chad?

...Hand drill...

...Feminine napkins.

Stone bits.

1/8th hole saw...

- Oh, my God.
- It's just me.

Let's get out of here.

This place is so creepy.

Dale, we need anything else?

Pickled eggs.
Six-pounder!

Oh, hot dog, Tucker.

Have you ever seen anything
like that in your life?

There's nothing so special
about them.

They're just your average
college girls.

There's nothing average
about that.

You know something, Dale?
She's just human.

Why don't you go over there
and talk to her?

Talk to her?

W-What in the world would I say?

I don't know.

Tell her that you got a vacation home.
That'll probably impress her.

Are you out of your mind, Tucker?
These are college girls, okay?

They grew up with vacation homes
and guys like me fixing their toilets.

You gotta have some faith
in yourself, man.

Girls can smell fear.
Now, come on.

You are a good-lookin' man...

more or less.

- You got a damn good heart.
- Yup.

I mean, that's two things
right there.

Now, go on, get over there.

What's the worst that could happen?

I Metal scrapes I

You know something?

You're right, Tuck.

- I'm gonna do it.
- All right.

I'm gonna do it right now.

All right, hold up, hold up.

All right, now, whatever you say,

just smile and laugh.

It shows confidence.

Smile and laugh.

Okay.

- Do it.
- All right.

You guys, uh, goin' campin'?

Hey!

Hey.

Now, look, we don't want any trouble,
all right?

- So just back off!
- Oh! Whoa!

Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry.

Get in the truck.

Looks like
a good-lookin' cooler. Uh...

I told you, Tucker.

I'm a zero with the ladies.

They hate my face!

Come on.

I ain't like you, Tucker, you know?

I mean, I can't talk to the lady folk
the way you can.

No one can.
I mean, you know, I...

I always get all stupid,
and my hands get clammy,

and I just act
like a big, fat idiot.

You know what your problem is?
You got an inferiority complex.

- No, I don't.
- Yeah, yeah.

Nope.

Let me tell you -- Life is short.
You gotta go after what you want.

Mm-hmm.

'Cause it sure as hell ain't gonna
just fall right in your lap.

- That's true, I reckon.
- Aw, shit.

- What are you doing?
- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

- We got a cop.
- Oh, I got you.

I got a rag.
Here, Tuck, move your arm.

You're spilling beer
all over your crotch.

All right, he's pulling over.

- Get up, Dale.
- I can't.

Dale, he's coming.

- Now it's stuck on my sleeve.
- Get up.

- My hand is stuck on --
- Un-stuck it, then.

- He's out of his car!
- He's out of his car?

He's coming.

- Tucker!
- Get up.

Ow!

Yeah.

- Howdy, officer.
- Hey.

It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

Yeah.

License, please.

Uh, I lost my wallet
a couple weeks back.

New one is in the mail.

Temporary.

Where are you two headed?

We're headed to our vacation home
up by Morris Lake.

I sank every penny I had into it.

Me and Dale here,
we're gonna go fix 'er up...

-...maybe do a little fishin'.
- Do a little fishin'.

He's been striking out
with the ladies.

I figure a little man time
might do him some good.

There ain't nothing up there
but pain and suffering

on a scale
you can't even imagine.

I pulled you over 'cause you got
a broken turn signal.

Oh, yes, sir.

See that you, uh...

get that fixed.

That was very helpful.

Man, that was tense.

That dude's weird.

There he goes.

Bye.

God, would you look at him?
You know what his problem is?

He was jealous 'cause he can't afford
a place of his own.

Ah.

Well...

Here's to the good life, huh?

Oh, yeah.

To the good life, man.

- Look at this little truck right here!
- I know, I know.

Is that ours?

Wow, another one right there.

Oh, my God.

It's perfect!

And what'd they call this,
a fixer-upper?

Yeah.

All right,
let's go check it out inside.

Yeah.

I can't believe this is ours!

Oh, my God!

Well, it's just a little dusty,
is all.

It's a mansion!

Whoever used to live here
must've been a...

an archeologist or something.

Yeah, archa-- Yeah.

Look at this.

Must've been
a real news junkie, too.

Chubby's Chili Dog Depot?

"Buy three, get two free."
No expiration date.

All right.

Score!

Tucker, look.

They got my favorite board game
here, too.

You know what?

I tell you something, Dale.

I cannot believe that I am standing
in my own vacation home right now.

You know something?

Dreams really do come true.

Oh, look out!

Ohh!
Well, I guess we should fix that.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

You can get off me now.

Guys, if you have a reoccurring dream
about sucking a dick

but you never do it,
are you gay?

- Yes.
- Really?

- Guys?
- Are you serious?

- Guys!
- What?

Do you guys want
to hear a scary story?

- No! Chuck, no.
- No.

Absolutely not.

Th-That's not funny.
Guys, that...

It happened to my cousins,
I think.

Now, do you fuckers
want to hear a real story?

Huh?

This story happened right here,

right in these very woods.

It was 20 years ago today.

[ Inhaler hisses I

The Memorial Day Massacre.

How a bunch of college kids

just like us,

they came out here
to have a good time,

but little did they know

that they weren't the only ones
in these here woods.

J YO, pump up the jam,
pump it up J

J While your feet are stompin'... J

J ...Pump it up a little more J

J Get the party goin'
on the dance floor J

J See 'cause that's where the -- J

I Music stops I

J I'm gonna meet my maker J

J I ain't afraid to die J

Hey, man, what the hell
are you doing?

Yeah, put that back on.

No. No, no, this is cool.
This is cool. I like this.

Oh, God!

I Woman screams I

And only one person lived
to tell the story.

The rest of them just disappeared,

and their bodies
are buried beneath us.

Hey!

Hey, there's a lake back there.

Who wants to go skinny dipping?

I do.

- Let's go.
- Yeah?

All right!

I'm not getting naked!

That's okay, Tuck.

You take that.
That's yours.

See, that's why you're never going
to get ahead in life.

That's 'cause you don't stick up
for yourself.

- Ow!
- Do not even think about it.

- But you just said --
- Are you kidding me?

- Ow!
- Are you serious?

- What'd I just say?
- I got to stick up for myself.

I said, "Don't even think about it,"
though,

so that was the last thing I said.

Hello?

Is someone there?

Guys?

[ Axe taps on window, Chad screams I

God, Chad, what the hell
are you doing?

You are such an asshole.

Come on, come on,
that was funny.

No, it wasn't.

You got nothing to worry about, Allie.
It's just me.

You totally freaked me out.

You know,
you can drop the act now.

What act?

Like you're better
than everyone else.

- I don't think --
- Yeah, you do.

But that's okay, Allie,
because I get it.

I mean...

you are better
than everyone else.

You and I, Allie,

are cut from a different cloth.

You know what I mean?

I'm...not -- I--

All I'm saying is...

I'm glad that we have this chance
to get to know each other better.

- You're drunk.
- That's a good thing.

It lowers my inhibitions.

Okay, uh...

- Come on, stop.
- Why?

Why? Why stop?

We're perfect for each other.

Let's talk about this later.

I'm going to go catch up
with everyone.

Come on, Allie.
Come on.

- Here we go!
- Whoo!

What was that all about?

I don't know,
but I think we should go check it out.

No. No, no, no.
Tuck, you know what?

My guess would be that they
don't really want to see us right now.

I kind of want to see them.

No, no.

What the hell are you doing?

- Damn it, Dale!
- What?

I'm not gonna go around
one more time with you on this.

- Okay.
- Hush!

Whoo-hoo!

I love camping!

Look.

Oh.

- Tucker!
- Shush!

I Both scream I

Goddamn it, Dale!
What the hell is the matter with you?

Me? What did I do?

When you see a college girl prancing
around in front of you half-naked,

you do not yell out my name.

Well, you were being
a Peeping Tom.

You are hopeless. Do you know that?
You're hopeless.

She didn't come up yet.

- Tuck, paddle.
- Oh, geez.

Hey!

Lady?

Hey, lady!

Where'd she go, Tuck?

Whoa, whoa, Dale!

Tuck, help me
get her in the boat.

Come on.

Lift her.
Get her legs.

Oh. No.

Hey, we got your friend!

Oh, God!

They got Allison!

Hey!

We got your friend!
Why the hell are they running away?

Hey!

Doesn't matter, Tucker.
We got to get her back to the cabin.

- Come on, let's row.
- Shit.

Oh, man.

Shit.

Chad!

Chad!

The hill-- The hillbillies.

- What hillbillies?
- Hillbillies from the store!

They captured Allison!

Allie!

No. No, no, no.
No, please. Please, don't!

Don't -- Don't -- Don't -- Don't --
Don't cry.

No, please, don't...

Oh!

It's the pancakes!
You hate pancakes!

I'll go make you something else.
I'll just...

Should've asked her
if she liked pancakes.

Pan-- Pancakes?

What?

Allison!

I don't understand.

Where do you guys think
they took her?

Maybe they took her
to the hospital.

You don't get it, do you?

Chuck, tell 'em what you saw.

Well, it was really dark,

but it looked like
one of guys was...

like, eating her face off.

That is so disgusting.

Guys, not to sound too cliché,
but shouldn't we go to the police?

Yeah, and, what,
just leave Allison with them?

If they already ate her,
what difference does it make?

We don't need the police.

We can handle this on our own.

No, no, no. What if I go?
I mean, it's my dad's truck.

He told me I was the only one
allowed to drive it.

Fine, you wanna go, Chuck?
Then just go. Go.

Okay, awesome.

I'll be back in a jiffy,
I swear.

That's such bullshit!
Why does he get to go?

Hey, guys.

You'd better come look at this.

What is this place?

It's just a cabin.

It doesn't mean
they're psycho killers.

Oh, yeah?

Then why don't you go in there
and talk to them?

All right.

Maybe I will.

I said maybe.

Uh...

There you go.

Please don't tell me that you hate
eggs and bacon.

What -- What am I doing here?

Oh.

Oh, you don't remember?

Okay, uh...

Well, uh, me and Tucker --

I mean, uh, I and Tuck--

Well...

Tucker and I
brung you here last night.

Why?

B-Because you were about to go
swimming with your friends,

and then you climbed up
onto a bunch of rocks,

and you slipped and fell
and banged your head,

and then you fell into the water,
and then...

I dove in and rescued you.

Wait, you --
You were spying on us?

No, n-- What? No!

No, no, no, we weren't spying.
No, I swear to God, no, no.

We were out there fishin', okay?
And I didn't -- We didn't see --

I didn't -- I didn't see --
Maybe Tucker might've seen a little.

Where are my friends?

They ran off into the woods.

They -- They just left me?

Yeah. But don't --
don't be mad at them.

Some people just aren't any good
in a crisis.

And that's why Tucker and I
brung you here,

hoping that they would come
and get you in the morning.

I didn't -- I didn't have
any girly clothes, so...

It's okay. I...

I never really had
much fashion sense anyway.

Me neither.

Yeah.

Oh, that's Jangers.
That's my dog, Jangers.

He looks mean,
but he's just a big old marshmallow.

You can just pet him
right on the nose.

- He's drooling.
- I know.

Anyway, um...

I'm sorry about all the mess
around here.

You know,
Tucker just bought this place,

and, uh, you know...

Yeah, I'm sure it doesn't look like
much to a high-class girl like you,

but, uh, you know, we've always
just had sort of a dream

to have our own vacation home.

But, uh, anyway...

You should relax and rest, okay?

Hey, what's --
what's your name?

Uh...

It's Tale.

Ducker.

My name --

My name is Dale.

I'm Allison,

but my --
my friends call me Allie.

Well, it's a real pleasure
to meet you, Allie...son.

And if you need anything else,
you just holler for me.

I'll be right
in the little room here.

- Uh, Dale?
- Yeah?

Do you guys have anything to --
to do around here?

Do you like board games?

What kind do you have?

Got this one right here.
It's my favorite.

Trivia.

Yes!

- Come on, four out of seven.
- No way, dude. You lost.

Just shut up and walk, bitch.

[ Inhaler hisses I

Goddamn Romeo.

Well...

Oh, Jesus.

[ Chain saw revving I

Run! Run for your lives!

[ Continues screaming I

Here we go, big roll.
Five.

Okay.

Shoot.

"Who was the fifth President
of the United States?"

Oh, that's too easy.
That's James Monroe.

Oh, my God, you are right again.
You are killing me!

I know.
I'm sorry about that.

I just -- I got this weird brain
where 'I'm dumb as a stump,

but I remember everything
that I ever heard.

That sounds pretty smart to me.

No, trust me, I'm stupid.

I-| barely even made it
past the third grade.

Oh, that doesn't mean anything.

Hey, there's a difference
between education and intellect.

Yeah?

So, um...

What is it
that you study in college?

I'm getting my Bachelor's degree
in psychology.

Oh, that...

Oh.

So, what kind of work
would you do with that?

Oh, I don't know.
[, um...

I have these stupid dreams --

Dreams are not stupid.

Well, um...

I just think that so many of the major
problems and conflicts in the world

are caused by a lack of communication.

- You know?
- Yeah.

And I just -- I just always thought
that I'd make a really good therapist.

No, don't! Don't!

Yeah, my -- my parents
say the same thing.

- I should probably just give it up --
- No, no, no.

I think you could do
whatever you want.

It's just that beam
is a little bit rickety.

Yeah, you could have just pushed
that thing right over.

Hey, hey.

Oh, my God, Tucker,
what happened to your face?

I sawed into a bees' nest.

Why?

Well, I didn't do it on purpose,
you idiot!

And I might have avoided it
if you were out there helping me!

Yeah...

...we came out here to work,

not sit around
playing stupid board games!

It was -- It was my fault.
I-l suckered him into playing.

No, that's not true.
It was my fault.

Hey, how about I come over there,

and I pull those stingers
out of your face,

and then I'll help you
with whatever you want?

- All right, I'd like that, thank you.
- Okay.

Let me help.
Wow, they really did a number on you.

- Be careful. Be careful.
- They really got you.

Hi.

I saw your friend out there.

He must be allergic to bees
or something,

because he was runnin'
like a bat outta hell.

I should go out there and find them.

No, no! That's -- No.

No, you need to rest,
so we'll go find your friends.

- But I can just --
- No.

No buts, okay?
We'll go find your friends.

You should relax.
Tucker and Dale are on the case.

Ain't that right, Tucker?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

Good man. Okay.

Dale, just...

Just be careful, okay?

My friends can be
kind of judgmental.

I'm gonna let Tucker
do most of the talking anyway.

He can win over just about anybody,
can't you, Tucker?

A real people person.

Okay, here we go.
You just relax, okay?

Get some rest.

They fucking killed him, man.

They left his body here
as a message.

Yeah,
"Stay the fuck out of our woods."

I can't believe this is happening.

Would you fucking quit it
with this thing, okay?

It doesn't work out here!

We've got to get to the road
and try to catch a ride out of here.

We don't need a ride out of here.

Don't you get it?

This is what it's all about.
It's us against them.

Survival of the fittest.

What are you doing, man?
That's my whole face!

You have serious issues,
you know that?

Quick.

- Somebody's coming.
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

And the answer was
"isosceles triangle."

You know what that is?

- Is it a triangle?
- Yeah.

I'm telling you, though, Tucker,
you would have been proud of me.

A smart little college girl like that,
and I was beating the crap out of her.

- TUCKER: [Sighs): Dale...
- Yeah?

You beat the crap out of everybody.

There's something wrong
with your brain.

I know.
You keep telling me that.

Well, I tell you what --
when we get back,

I'll finish her off real quick,
and then we'll get back to work, okay?

They're going to kill her.

Look, somebody was just here.

Oh, yeah.

It's a hatchet.

College kids!

College kids!

Say it again, louder.

- College kids!
- Hey, college kids!

College kids!

I don't see 'em.

I don't know.
They must have run off.

Well, hmm...

Maybe we could leave them a note
in case they come back.

Right, with what?

Well, this'll work.

All right, please, hurry up.

My face is as hot as a hemorrhoid
right now.

Yeah, you don't look so good.
Okay.

- Careful.
- I'm going to have to etch it in.

J So, ho doubt J

J Uh-huh, I got my cootie shot J

J You think that girl is hot [ --

- Dale?
- Yeah?

Huh.

- Did you guys find my friends?
- Uh...

Hello.

Whoa.

- What?
- Huh?

What? Your friends? No.
No, uh, we left them a note.

They should be by here
any minute.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm diggin' a shitter hole.

I'm digging a crap-- crapper hole.

It's a sh-- It's a hole.

It's for the shithouse --
craphouse --

Outhouse hole?

An outhouse hole.

Right.

- You mind if I help?
“What? No!

No, no, no, it's not work
for a pretty -- for a girl like you.

That's -- Oh.

I grew up on a farm.
It was either help out or get out.

- That's a good rule.
- Yeah.

So, I've done this before,
believe it or not.

Yeah.

So, you gonna help or are you
just gonna stand there staring at me?

Ah, uh, no, I'm gonna help.
I'll just --

- I can't dig this on my own.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, you're doing a good job.
- Thank you.

That sick fuck.
He's making her dig her own grave.

We don't have much time.

- Does everybody have their weapons?
- All set, man.

All right, you guys go around,
get the guy at the wood chipper.

You take the big guy.

'Ma just chill right here.

Okay, one more load
and then we're done.

Okay, come on, get out.

Here.

Oh!

Now!

Huh?

Oh, good, look, your friends are here.
Hey!

Dale!

- Whoa!
- -Aah!

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh! Oh!

Are you okay?

Allison, say something!

Tucker!

- Tucker!
- Holy mother of God!

You'll never be--
What happened to you?

- Are you okay?
- What happened to me...

Some kid, he...

he just hucked himself
right into wood chipper!

Head first
right into the wood chipper!

From his shoes and his pants,

it looked like it might have been
one of the college kids.

What the hell happened to her?

Oh, she got knocked out and fell into
the shitter hole right next to me.

- Is that your blood?
- What? No.

No, it's college-kid blood.

One of those suckers
came right out of nowhere

and speared himself straight through
the gut and died right on top of me!

- Holy crap.
- I know!

Calm down, calm down.
Don't cry.

Calm down.
Get a hold of yourself!

Oh...

All right.

I know what this is.

What?

This is a suicide pact.

It's a what?

These kids are coming out here,

and they're killing themselves
all over the woods.

Oh, my God,
that makes so much sense.

Holy shit, we have got to hide
all of the sharp objects!

You know what else, Tucker?
Tucker!

I think they're trying to kill her,
too.

Yeah. Think about it.

That's why they acted so funny
after we saved her,

because they want her dead.

Why?

I don't know.
I don't know.

It's good that you don't know.
It's good that I don't know.

Because if we knew,
then they would want to kill us, too.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Okay, so what -- What do we --
What do we, um...

We go to the police?

- Call the police?
- Yeah.

And tell 'em what?

Tell 'em what happened.

That's a good idea, Dale.

"Oh, hidey-ho, officer.

We've had a doozy of a day.

There we were,
minding our own business,

just doing some chores
around the house,

when kids started killing themselves
all over my property."

Well, that's what happened, Tucker!

He would have to be a moron
to believe that, Dale.

It doesn't matter what happened.

What matters is
what looks like what happened.

And what looks like what happened
is pretty nasty.

So, what the hell do we do, then?

We gotta clean this mess up.

Right now.

Okay.

You shouldn't be smoking anyway.
It's not good for you.

Yeah, well, fucking dying
isn't good for you, either,

but that doesn't seem
to be stopping anybody!

We just got to get out of here.

I mean, what the hell
are we still doing here?

How are we going
to get out of here?

Dickwad over here
sent Chuck off with the truck!

Well, then, let's walk.

40 miles?

You should have thought of that
before you wore your stripper shoes.

Okay, will you all just shut up?

All right, listen, we gotta
work together, okay?

We never should have come out here.
Whose stupid idea was this?

Chad.

You guys are all a bunch
of fucking pussies, you know that?

I mean, a few little, tiny murders,

and everyone just freaks out.

But do you know
how lucky you all are? Huh?

Huh?

What the fuck are you talking about,
man?

How many people do you think get
a chance for something like this?

- The chance to die?
- The chance to live.

To be free from people always telling
you what you can and can't do.

There's no rules out here.
It's us against them.

And if you don't think
you can handle that, well...

I Metal scrapes I

...maybe you deserve to die.

That's fucked up.

Shh.

Y'all hear that?

Chuck got the police!
Come on, you guys, let's go!

No, you don't need
the fucking cops!

The cops aren't going
to help us, man.

Don't you fucking idiots
know anything?

Fuck.

Now, don't you worry.

Your friends are probably fine.

Probably just
a little misunderstanding, that's all.

Oh, God!

Help us!

Chloe?

Dead!

- They died!
- Slow down, now.

- They killed them!
- Okay, stay calm.

Why -- Why don't you kids
climb in the back seat,

and we'll go have a look.

Those stupid fucks.

I don't think I have the stomach
for this, Tuck.

I know.

He's jammed in there pretty good.

The store had better not charge me
for this!

Yup.

All right, look, I'm going to wedge it
from that side...

-...and you pull him out on three.
- Okay.

- All right?
- Yup.

One, two, three!

Oh, Tuck!

Oh, Tuck, get it off!

Tuck, get it off me!

Tuck, help me get it off.
Get it off me.

Not on the face.

I'm gonna barf!

You're okay, you're okay,
you're okay.

Here, grab a leg.

- Grab a leg.
- Okay.

Get him over to the truck.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

He's heavy for half a guy.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

- Let me do the talking.
- That's a good idea.

You kids stay put.

I'll handle this.

- Hey.
- Hello, officer.

- Good to see you again.
- Yeah.

- We have had a doozy of a day.
- A real doozy.

Uh...there we were...

Yup.

-...uh, minding our own business...
- Yup.

...making some improvements
to my new house...

To the new house.

...when all of the sudden,
out of nowhere,

these kids...

started killin' themselves
all over my property.

This one right here,
he dove head first

right into the wood chipper,
in the woody, right back there.

There's another one
up over there

who -- who shoved a spear
through his gullet.

Straight through.

Now, I don't know how much experience
you've had with this,

but we were scared shitless.

Scared shitless.

You must think
that I'm some kind of moron

to believe a story like that.

- Oh, no.

- No, sir.
- Not a moron, just...

- Not...
-...open-minded.

Let me get this straight,

"cause I'm having trouble
understanding something.

What?

You say you were just working

when this kid ran up

and stuffed his head
into that wood chipper?

- That's a fact.
- That is a fact.

And -- And I think maybe

they might be trying to kill the girl
that we helped, inside.

- What girl?
- You know what?

She can maybe explain
the whole thing if, uh...

if I hadn't have knocked her
unconscious with a shovel...

...on accident.

On accident.

You've got another one inside,

and -- and you say
she's unconscious?

Yeah, she's in my bedroom.

Well, you'd better show me
what you done with her.

- Yeah.
- Right this way. Let's show him.

Okay, I'll just put this leg down.

Great idea.

Why don't you go and show him?

Wait, wait, where is he going?

No, no, no.

- Don't go in there.
- Right this way, Sheriff.

What's he doing?

Why doesn't he fucking arrest them?

Her eyes are equal,

reactive to the light.

At least she's not brain dead.

Oh, thank God.

I told you boys
to stay away from this place,

but you just didn't listen,
did you?

Now, you're looking at at least two
counts of involuntary manslaughter,

but you'd be lucky to get that.

Officer, do we look like a couple
of psycho killers to you?

Well, it's...

it's hard to say.

Looks can be deceiving --

- No, no, no!
- Oh, no!

Sheriff!

Oh, Sheriff!

You okay?

Aah!

Oh, shit!

- Come on!
- What is going on?

How's he even walking
right now, Tuck?

He looks like he's gonna walk it off.
He's gonna be fine.

Don't worry, I got it.

Hey, Gert...Gert...

Oh, my God, they fucking killed him!

Unlock the door!

Goddamn it!

Tucker, I told you
we should've fixed that beam!

You are not putting this on me!
Do you understand me?

This is your fault!

If you weren't playing board games
with that little girl

when I'm out working...

Unlock the fucking door!

If you hadn't been playing
board games

with that little girl inside,

we would have had a little more time
to fix the beam!

Heads up.

Fuck you, you motherfuckers!

No, no, no!

Oh, you got to take the safety off
on the side there.

Don't do --

You've got to start being
more careful!

Oh.

"You've got to take
the safety off"?

- You know something, Dale?
- I don't know --

None of this would've happened
if it wasn't for you.

- What?
- That's right!

For being
such a goddamn good Samaritan!

"Oh, my God,
she's drowning, Tucker.

Oh, let's save her.
Oh, let's save her!"

Well, at least she's still alive.

Oh, halle-fuckin'-lujah!

Don't you dare blame this on her!

I'm not blaming
this whole thing on her.

I'm blaming
this whole thing on you!

Well, you know what, Tucker?

None of this would have happened
if we hadn't have gone fishing!

That isn't even an option!

- I don't even like fishing!
- You don't like...

What do you mean
you don't like fishing?

- I mean...

I like -- I like it okay.

You know -- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tucker.
Did I hurt your feelings?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, you kind of did.

Cut it out!

Tucker...

where's Jangers?

- Shit.
- Stay low.

Ah, Dale!

Nuts.

Hey, hillbilly!
Your move!

Oh, son of a bitch!
They got my dog.

Shit.

We got to do somethin'.

Did you bring that nail gun
in here?

Yeah. Why?

Stay low. Stay low to the ground.
Keep your hat!

Oh.

All right.

Cover me.

I ain't never shot at nobody before.

If it helps, think of 'em
like moving two-by-fours.

Whoa!

- Whoa.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Now, you create a distraction.

I'm gonna go out the back door.

- And Dale?
- Yeah?

Try not to shoot me.

- Okay, I'll try.
- All right.

What the fuck
is taking so long?

I don't know.

Hey, college kids!

You want some of this?

How you like that, college kids?

How's that taste? I got
plenty more where that came from!

Bunch of freaks!

Shit!

Jesus, Dale.

Take it easy.

Hey, hillbilly!

You shoot at us again,
and your dog's dead!

If you kill my dog,
I swear to God...

I swear to God,
I'll get really mad!

Then bring out the girl!

I'm going to shoot your dog!

I'm gonna get really mad!

I'll get really, really mad!

Go home! Go, go!

No, you're going the wrong way,
shithead!

Oh...

It is a beautiful day for a run,
isn't it?

Whoa!

Ooh!

Oh, God, please, no.

- Hey, are we done yet?
- Well, I don't know, Naomi.

Is it covered?
We may only get one chance at this.

All right.
Trap's set.

Hey...

He's awake.

What the hell is wrong
with you kids?!

What is the matter with us?

Hold him steady.

Hey. Aah!

I've never stood so close
to pure evil before.

It kind of stinks.

It was supposed to be
24-hour protection.

I can't --
Okay! Don't -- Don't...

Look, I know you kids
are having fun,

but I am not a thrill seeker!

It's payback time, hillbilly.

Payback?
All right, look, look, look, look.

Here, let me go.
Let me go.

I can get my cooler.

Hey, I got 10 to 12 beers
in there.

They're yours.

They're on ice right now, man!

This is for Mike.

No!

Ow!

You prick!

- Dale?
- Allison.

How are you feelin'?

A little fuzzy.

Yeah.

What...

What hap--

- What happened?
- Oh...

Well, uh...

I can't --
I can't really say.

Um...

It was so awful.

Oh, my God, I'm embarrassed.
I'm sorry.

Can't cry in front of a girl,
goddamn it.

It's good to cry sometimes.

It's okay, just...

Just let it out.
It's okay, all right?

There you go.

You'll feel better.

I Continues crying I

Come on, just take a deep breath.

There we go.

Now...

Now, tell me what happened.

Well...it's hard to say.

Um...

Your friends...

Do some of your friends
take medication?

Why?

Because I think
they forgot to take it.

What are you talking about?
What -- Where are they?

They're out there somewhere right now
tryin' to kill my best friend...

and my dog.

I don't understand
what you're talking --

I know, it doesn't make any sense.
That's what the truth is.

It's like all your friends
just decided to go nuts

all at the same time.

The last thing I remember,
I-l saw Chad, and...

and then Todd was --
was running at us, and...

- Oh, my God.
- I know.

Yeah, at first I thought
they were trying to kill you,

and then they started
killing themselves,

and then they tried to kill us,

and now
they're going after my dog...

Jangers.

I guess
they just like killin'.

No, th-there must be
some kind of mistake.

My friends
would never hurt anyone.

Jesus, they're here!

They're not gonna stop
till they kill all of us!

- Hide! Hide!
- Dale, it's okay.

Nobody wants to hurt you.

- Die, hillbilly!
- It sure sounds like someone does.

I'm going to go talk to them, okay?
Just stay there.

What? No. No, no, no.

It's all
just a big misunderstanding.

We'll clear it right up, okay?

No, no, Allison, don't go out there!

Allison, you don't know
what it's like out there!

Oh, my God.

Oh...

Allison!

Oh...

Did you see them?

No.

No?

That's from Tucker's shirt.

What is that?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

They cut off
his bowlin' fingers!

There's a note.
There's a note right there.

"Now we got your friend.

Try and get him."

Dale, how...

how long was I out for?

A few hours.

I don't understand what --

I gotta go help Tucker.

Goddamn it.

My best friend needs me.
I gonna get these kids.

Dale, wait, wait.
We don't want to escalate things.

- We don't want to escalate things?
- No.

They must have thought
that you were trying to harm me.

Oh, and why would they think that?

I don't know.

I think you do know.

Well...

when we first saw you guys
back at that store...

we just thought that you looked...

a little creepy.

I was nervous!

I don't know how to talk to girls,
and --

No, Dale, I know that now,
but we didn't then.

You thought that I looked like
some kind of freak?

We misjudged you, Dale. I...

I'm -- I'm really sorry.

Don't be sorry.
It's my fault.

I should've known that if a guy
like me talked to a girl like you,

somebody'd end up dead.

Dale, it's --
Dale, it's not like that.

If you do see your friends,

tell 'em that I never wanted
to hurt anybody.

Dale -- Dale, stop. Wait.
Don't -- Don't go there.

Oh, shit.

Tucker?

Tucker, you out there?!

Tuck!

Goddamn stupid college kids.

- Tucker!
- Dale!

I'm coming for you, buddy!

Tucker?

Dale?

Tuck! Tucker!

- Dale.
- Hey!

Tucker.

- Dale, it's a trap.
- It's a what?

- It's a trap.
- What?

Oh, no.
Oh, no! Tuck, no!

I don't wanna die!
I don't wanna die, please!

Oh, God!

Tucker!

Dale.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

I never thought I'd say this,

but I'm glad
I'm not hung like a bear.

That's funny.

Dale...

that kid
has got some serious issues.

I know.

Let's get you down from there.

Wait! Oh!

Sorry about that.

This vacation sucks.

Come on, let's go.

Look at this place.

This is where evil lives.

Let's just hope
Allison's still alive.

- Allison!
- Allison!

Allison!

- Chad?
- Shh!

What are you guys doing?

We're saving you, stupid.
Now, come on, let's go!

Why are you whispering?
There's -- There's no one else here.

- Oh.
- Oh.

This place is really freaky.

What have they done to you, Allie?
Huh?

They haven't done anything to me.

Chad, this has all been
a huge misunderstanding.

We have to burn this place
to the ground.

Destroy it completely.

What? No, no, no.

Chad.

Chad, stop.

No, Chad, no.

Chad, stop!

You can't do this.

This is their vacation home.

You guys have to listen to me, okay?

Tucker and Dale
did not mean to hurt anyone.

They're really nice.

You have no idea

what this is all about,
do you, Allison?

- Huh?

These freaks are evil,

and they deserve everything
that's coming to them.

Okay, just relax, all right?

I'm just trying to explain

this is all
a big misunderstanding.

Tucker and Dale have been nothing
but gentlemen to me this entire time,

while you guys have been running
around terrorizing them.

But they started this!

By doing what?

Saving my life?

Wait a minute.

I remember reading about this
in my sociology class.

It's called
the Stockholm syndrome.

When someone
who's been kidnapped

ends up falling in love
with their kidnapper.

You're falling in love with him?

No. What?

Chad, no.

- The what --
- Tell me...

...you're not falling in love
with that freak, Allison.

How could you love him?

Chad, please.
You don't understand.

Are you or are you not
in love with him?

What is the matter with you?

Tell me!

Hey!

Let the girl go.

Are you okay, Allie?

"Allie"?
Did he just call you "Allie"?

Wait! Wait.

Everyone just stop for a second,
and let's talk this out, okay?

Nobody wants to hurt anyone.

You could've fooled me.

- Fuck off, hillbilly.
- Eat shit, body perm.

Wait! Wait.

How about I make some tea,

and we all sit and --
and talk this out?

That sounds like a good idea.

I'll provide the finger sandwiches.

I'm gonna go get a beer.

Okay, Chad, you sit here, okay?

In this chair.

Dale, you...

you sit in this one.

Okay. Okay, good.

Now...I'm going to get the tea.

Is that chamomile tea?
'Cause I can't have that.

It fucks with my asthma.

It's Earl Grey.

Oh, I love Earl Grey.
That's great.

Here's what we're going to do.

I want you each to tell
your side of the story,

and, as you're listening
to the other person,

I want you to see yourself
in their shoes.

Okay?

Okay.

Now, it's important
that we communicate our feelings

and understand
each other's perspective

before any progress
can be made.

Okay.

Chad, why don't you start?

Well, where should I
fucking begin?

Wherever you'd like.

A long time ago,

before I was born --

Okay, maybe not that far back.

This is important.

You see, my parents,

they were attacked
by hillbillies just like him.

It was 20 years ago,

the Memorial Day Massacre.

They brutally murdered everyone
just for fun.

My mother ran for her life,

but they captured her.

My father was helpless,

and he didn't even know
that she was pregnant with me yet.

And they forced him to watch

while they tortured her.

No.

But my mom, she fought back...

I Man screams I

...and she escaped.

But my father wasn't so lucky.

His body was never found.

By the time I was born,

my mother
was already institutionalized.

I grew up hearing that story
from my grandmother.

Okay, um...

Thank you
for sharing with us, Chad.

- No, I'm not going in there.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Now, Chad said if they were gone
longer than 15 minutes,

we come in, guns blazing.

- But you don't even have a gun.
- Damn it, woman!

Don't argue with me!

Are they drinking tea?

I would totally love
a cup of tea right now.

No! No way.

They're fucking trapped.

Oh...yeah.

Now, come on.

We gotta do something.

It's your turn.

Okay, well...

First of all,

I am really sorry that your family
got massacred.

That is awful.

Secondly,

I didn't have anything
to do with that, okay?

I mean, I would've been
six years old at the time --

Well, it may not have been you,
but it was definitely your kind.

My kind?

[ Inhaler hisses I

I can't even hurt a fish,
can I, Tucker?

- I can't even hurt fish.
- That's right.

He can't even hurt a fish.

- I just can't do it.
- Okay.

Uh, so, now that you've both expressed
your side of the story,

how do you feel?

L-I feel...l feel better.

I feel --

I feel like a weight --

Yeah, I feel good.

Great, okay.

We're really making
good progress.

I Door slams open I

It's show time, freaks!

Jason, no!

Jesus Christ!

Oh, shit, baby!

Why didn't you duck?
Why didn't she duck?

Chad --

Goddamn, Tucker!

Dale.

Go back to hell
where you belong, freak!

Oh, shit!

Whoa, whoa!

Shit!
Chad, what the fuck, man?!

- Stay calm. It's just your leg.
- Stop, drop, and roll.

- I'm on fire!
- No, no, don't use that.

Stop, drop, and roll!

- Stomp it out!
- Get away from the curtain!

I Continues screaming, stops I

He's crackling like a log!

Oh, that stinks.

Oh, shit!

I knew I should have moved that.

Allie!

Allie, let's go!

Help me!

Get off me, you nasty bitch!

My cabin.

Your cabin.

I'm a terrible therapist.

What? No. No, that's not true.
Don't say that.

I thought you did a great job
in there.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

I think we were on the verge
of a breakthrough.

Thanks, Dale.
That's really sweet.

Uh, guys?

Yeah.

I Metal scrapes I

I think that we should go
to the pickup truck right now.

Wait.
Maybe we should help him.

[ Inhaler hisses I

N-Never mind.
Let's just go.

Get to the truck!

- He's coming! He's coming!
- Okay, come on.

- Come on, Tucker's truck.
- Come on, Dale, go, go!

- Do not flood it.
- Do you want to drive?

- Guys, just go!
- Be careful with this.

This is the only thing I got left.

Go. Go!

Crazy college kid
can't catch us now!

- Dale, look out!
- Huh?

Jangers, not now, boy.

Jangers.

Hey, hey!

Whoa.

Jangers.

Allie.

Allison!

Jangers.
Allison!

She's gone.

Tu--

T-Tucker.

Tucker, what happened?

Tucker, what happened?

He took her.

I tried to stop him.

Whoa, take it easy.

I tell you something, Dale.

It's gonna be a long time
before I take a vacation again.

Oh, shit.

Tucker, this is all my fault.

- Look at you.
- Nah.

I never should've talked to Allison.
You were right.

People like me and people like her
just don't mix.

- That's not true.
- It is true!

I never should've even
came out here with you.

Listen to me.

Do you remember
when we was kids...

and we used to go catch frogs
down at that creek?

Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I do.

Remember how we used to compete
to see who could catch more?

Yeah, I don't think now is the time
to talk about it, Tucker.

I used to tell you
that I'd let you catch more than me

because I felt sorry for you.

I remember you used to let me
lick 'em all, too.

That always made me
feel kinda funny.

Yeah.

Well, the thing is...

I didn't let you catch more.

You caught 'em on your own.
You was quicker than I was.

- Come on, Tucker.
- It's true.

What I'm trying to tell you

is that you're better
than you think you are.

Listen to me.

That girl sees it.

I've seen the way that the two of you
look at each other.

I think that she...

really sees you for who you are.

Who knows?

Maybe after this is all done,

you two can...

date or something.

I doubt it.

Dude,
that's what I'm talking about.

I don't want any more negativity.

Okay.

- Stop it!
- Okay.

You are a good man.

You're smart...

and you're strong...

and you're not as ugly
as you think you are.

Thank you, Tucker.

That means a lot comin' from you.

- Life is short.
- I know.

You got to go after what you want.

Go after her, Dale.

She needs you now more than ever,

especially 'cause she's always
falling down and hitting her head

and knocking herself out.

Okay, but I don't even know
where he took her.

Jangers will know.

Okay, but I'm not leaving you here.

No, no, no, no.

I'll be fine. Go.

Friends forever.

Best friends forever.

Oh, Jesus!

I'm sorry.

Okay.

- That hurt very much.
- I could tell.

Just breathe in.

Out through your mouth.

Go get 'er.

Go get 'er.

- Do me a favor.
- Anything.

Kick the shit out of that little
college dickhead for me, would you?

I'm gonna shove my boot
down his fuckin' throat.

You stay here, okay?
Come on, Jangers, let's go.

Good boy, Jangers.
Good, good boy.

Okay.

You got to let me
take it from here, okay, pup?

Don't worry about me.

I know what I'm doing...
more or less.

Okay, stay.

What is the matter with you?

What is the matter with me?

Do you have any idea
what I've been through

trying to save you?

No.

You've gone hillbilly on me,
Allison.

Now, I'm willing to forgive you,

but you're gonna have to beg.

Chad...

That was just not a very nice
apology kiss.

You see,
we're making up, Allie,

SO you have to be
more passionate than that.

- Chad, please --
- That's a start.

- Please just --
- You're getting warmer.

Just stop, please!

No. No, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna stop.

I've only just begun.

You want a killer hillbilly?

I'll show you a killer hillbilly.

Shh, Allie, Allie, hey!
It's just me, hey.

- It's okay.
- Dale?

- Yeah.
- What are you wearing?

What? Oh, I thought it might look
kind of intimidating.

- Does it?
- Yeah.

Sweet.

Uh, Dale, you wanna...

Y-You wanna help me here?

Oh, yeah.
Hang on, I'm comin'.

Hang on.

Okay, what do we got here?

Thank you for coming for me.

It's no big deal.

I was headed over this way
anyway, so...

How sweet.

The dimwitted hillbilly

is trying to save
the girl of his dreams.

What kind of knot is this?

You think you're gonna win,
but you're wrong.

It's time to say goodbye
to the girl.

You shouldn't have betrayed me,
Allison.

No. Oh, geez, no.
No, no, no!

- Dale! Dale!
- Okay, okay.

Okay.
Okay, hold on, hold on.

Okay, rabbit comes out of the tree,
rabbit goes around the tree --

- Dale, come on!
- Okay! Jesus, okay.

Oh, that is really too bad.

Are you okay, huh?

Because I didn't mean to --

Dale!

Dale!

Dale...

It's time for you to feel my pain.

Bring it, frat bitch.

Dale, over here! Come on!

Come on,
let's get out of here.

Come on.
Come on here.

Go, get up there.
Go. Come on.

Quick, quick, quick.

- Dale, here.
- Oh, yeah, gimme that.

Put a couple boxes on it. Oh.

Oh, Jesus H. Christ,
that kid is tough as nails.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay. Okay.

Kinda looks like no one's
been here for a while.

Yeah.

What we need to find
is some kind of weapon,

something preferably big and sharp
so I can stab him.

Nah.

Oh, hey.

This might work, huh?

Or not.

Oh, my God. Dale?

What?

Come here and look at this.

Look.

- What?
- Something look familiar?

Hey, ain't that that dead sheriff
right there?

No, no, no, that picture.

Look at the guy in the middle.

I'll be...

He looks just like that Kentucky Fried
college kid down there.

- Yeah.
- That's funny.

And it says here, look,

"Single survivor leads police
to the Memorial Day killer.

"The survivor is reported
to have been tortured and raped.

She's now undergoing
psychiatric evaluation.”

Think about it.

He said his mother was captured...

-...and his father--
- His father's body was never found.

I think we've just found him.

Holy S-H-I-T.

Chad!

- Time to die, freak!
- Wait, wait, wait!

Wait! Wait, wait!

Wait, Chad, wait!

You're a hillbilly, too!

- Shut up!
- No, no, no, look, look, look!

That's your real father
right there.

No.

No!

It's true, Chad.
You're half hillbilly.

It can't be.

They lied to me.

How could they?

Maybe they just didn't want you
to know the truth.

There is no truth!

Everything is a lie!

What'd you do?

Anthemis nobilis.

What?

That's the ingredient
in chamomile tea

that can cause
an anaphylactic reaction

in rare cases
where people are allergic to it.

Like I said,
ll remember weird stuff.

But he'll be okay

as long as we get him his inhaler.

Or not.

[ Indistinct conversations I

- Grab it and bring it over.
- Check over there.

Okay, here we go.

- And, you ready?
- Uh, yeah, wait.

- My teeth. Do I got any--
- Teeth are clear.

Clear? Okay, wait.

- Just give me a second.
- And we're rolling.

The chaos and confusion
of what transpired here last night

is still being unraveled.

What appears to be
a tragic mass suicide

involving a group
of mentally unstable college kids

may in fact be the work
of a lone, deranged killer

whose body is yet to be found.

- The killings happened on...
- Knock-knock.

Hey!

Hey, buddy, how you feelin'?

I'm feelin'...

high on prescription medication.

Yeah, looks like it.

They found my fingers.

Check it out.

Yeah.

I got to tell you,

I don't remember that one
looking that way.

- Does that look funny to you?
- No.

No, not really. It...

That looks natural.
It's good.

By the way, I brought you somethin'.
Hey, shut your eyes, 'kay?

- All right.
- Okay...

Open 'em.

Oh...

- Oh, buddy.
- That's a PBR, buddy.

That...

- That's a thing of beauty.
- It's cold, too. Should be.

Look what else I got you --
a bendy straw.

Your favorite sippin' utensil.

There you go.

Mmm.

Don't choke.

I'm gonna let you rest.
You enjoy that, okay?

Drink the whole thing,

"cause when I come back,
I'm gonna have some more.

- Hey, Dale.
- Yeah?

Did you ask her?

Ask her what?

Did you ask her out,
for God's sake?

Oh.

Well...

I was gonna,

but then I never actually got
the chance, so --

Dale!

You are hopeless, you know that?
You're hopeless.

Yeah.

You're probably right about that...

except for she kinda
mentioned to me

that she's
a pretty darn good bowler, so...

we're goin' bowlin...

- You little dickhead.
- I'm outta here.

Ow.

Whoo!

Dale Dobson,
you are one lucky man.

I guess it's just beginner's luck.

That girl has got an amazing set...

-...of bowlin' fingers.
- I know.

Listen, let me tell you
something, okay?

Life is short, B.J.

You have to go after what you want
because it sure as heck-fire

ain't just gonna fall
right into your lap.

- You know somethin'? You're right.
- I know.

- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- Okay. Now, listen to me, though.

Don't be nervous
and just be yourself, okay?

Yeah.

You got it.
Go, buddy.

Hey.

- I'm pretty good at this, aren't 1?
- You are. That was great.

Listen, uh, Allie, uh...

I hope you don't think this is
too stupid or whatever,

but I got you a little something.

Dale, that's so sweet.
You didn't have to do that.

I know.
I wanted to.

Oh, my gosh!

You know what that is?

Yes, it's a...

- It's a helmet.
- It's a pink helmet!

I think it might just be better if you
wear that every day from now on, so...

- Okay, thank you.
- You're welcome.

It's perfect.

So, listen, Dale, I'm, uh...

I'm really sorry about everything
that happened.

What do you mean?
For what? I had a great time.

I mean, except for, you know,
all the people dying

and when they were bleeding on us.

That wasn't so much fun,
but, you know what?

I enjoyed every minute
that I got to spend with you.

- Dale --
- Just -- Let me just say this,

'cause I don't know if we're ever
gonna get to spend

this kind of time together again,
and...

I just wanted
to let you know that I --

I feel the same way.

Really?

Really.

B.J.!

Oh, my God,
should we go help her?

Hell no.

Whatever.