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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:01,188 --> 00:00:03,732
Subs by kinglouisxx
for www.MY-SUBS.com
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I am the king of pocket change.
3
00:00:05,817 --> 00:00:07,903
Hey.
4
00:00:08,028 --> 00:00:09,070
Come on.
5
00:00:09,196 --> 00:00:11,156
Aces one time, Dad.
6
00:00:11,281 --> 00:00:13,325
I'm saving up
for a new computer for Mark.
7
00:00:13,450 --> 00:00:15,744
He uses it on his lap,
and it heats up so bad,
8
00:00:15,869 --> 00:00:18,955
I'm afraid he's cooking
my future grandkids.
9
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,833
I'd like to remind everyone
that the ante is a nickel,
10
00:00:21,958 --> 00:00:24,336
and no one has ever
won more than $7 here.
11
00:00:24,461 --> 00:00:25,837
But dream on.
12
00:00:25,962 --> 00:00:28,110
That ends now, as I am implementing
13
00:00:28,219 --> 00:00:30,467
a new additional rule for tonight.
14
00:00:30,592 --> 00:00:32,802
For new boyfriends... welcome, Tyler...
15
00:00:32,928 --> 00:00:35,722
the ante is $25.
16
00:00:35,847 --> 00:00:37,974
Come on, Dad. Play nice.
17
00:00:38,099 --> 00:00:40,727
This isn't one of the ones
I want you to scare off.
18
00:00:40,852 --> 00:00:42,979
No, no, he's got to learn.
19
00:00:43,104 --> 00:00:45,023
Next time, don't let
your girlfriend's father
20
00:00:45,148 --> 00:00:47,901
know that you've got a good job.
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00:00:48,026 --> 00:00:50,362
Dan, I'm going to take all
your money and your daughter.
22
00:00:50,495 --> 00:00:52,664
ALL: Oh!
23
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,347
Only half of that bothers me.
24
00:00:54,460 --> 00:00:55,916
Hey.
25
00:00:56,034 --> 00:00:58,620
Have you told Beverly Rose
that Tyler's your boyfriend?
26
00:00:58,745 --> 00:01:00,580
Not yet. And I almost blew it.
27
00:01:00,705 --> 00:01:02,457
I went into The Lunch Box,
28
00:01:02,582 --> 00:01:04,042
and I-I didn't know she was in there,
29
00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:05,835
and I accidentally kissed Becky.
30
00:01:05,961 --> 00:01:07,212
Yeah, and I had to cover
31
00:01:07,337 --> 00:01:09,756
by kissing the rest of my customers.
32
00:01:11,716 --> 00:01:14,010
- It was a great day for tips.
- Yeah, but I...
33
00:01:14,135 --> 00:01:16,596
You set the bar too high.
34
00:01:16,721 --> 00:01:19,057
I had to take my bra off
for the rest of the day
35
00:01:19,182 --> 00:01:22,394
just to make five bucks in change.
36
00:01:22,519 --> 00:01:25,188
But Tyler and I have decided
37
00:01:25,313 --> 00:01:27,899
to tell Beverly Rose we're a couple.
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The problem is, with kids of divorce,
39
00:01:30,151 --> 00:01:32,404
if you don't get it right
there can be feelings
40
00:01:32,529 --> 00:01:34,114
of guilt, resentment,
and long-term effects
41
00:01:34,239 --> 00:01:35,699
on their mental health.
42
00:01:35,824 --> 00:01:37,117
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
43
00:01:37,242 --> 00:01:38,576
Mom and Dad were together forever.
44
00:01:38,702 --> 00:01:41,413
We suffer from all that stuff.
45
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She's not wrong.
You kids are disasters.
46
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Hey.
47
00:01:45,041 --> 00:01:46,084
We're going to do it right.
48
00:01:46,209 --> 00:01:47,919
I'm coming over to the house
on Valentine's Day,
49
00:01:48,044 --> 00:01:49,796
and I'm going to give
Beverly Rose a valentine
50
00:01:49,921 --> 00:01:51,131
and chocolates.
51
00:01:51,256 --> 00:01:52,132
That's smart.
52
00:01:52,257 --> 00:01:55,135
That way she associates you
with good things.
53
00:01:55,260 --> 00:01:56,886
That works for older people, too.
54
00:01:57,012 --> 00:01:58,388
If you wanted Dad to like you,
55
00:01:58,513 --> 00:02:00,682
maybe bring over
a large bouquet of Budweiser.
56
00:02:00,807 --> 00:02:02,350
[laughs]
57
00:02:02,475 --> 00:02:03,768
Well, could you tell her soon?
58
00:02:03,893 --> 00:02:05,395
Because that way,
Tyler can stop creeping
59
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:06,896
in and out of our house.
60
00:02:07,022 --> 00:02:08,773
It's just awkward when our booty calls
61
00:02:08,898 --> 00:02:11,359
run into each other in the hallway.
62
00:02:11,484 --> 00:02:12,277
I'm sorry about that.
63
00:02:12,402 --> 00:02:13,987
We just can't go back to my place
64
00:02:14,112 --> 00:02:16,197
because I live with my mother.
65
00:02:16,323 --> 00:02:18,450
- Ah.
- [shudders]
66
00:02:18,575 --> 00:02:20,201
[chuckles]
67
00:02:22,454 --> 00:02:25,832
And the spotlight moves to Tyler.
68
00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:28,626
But the, uh... the breastfeeding,
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00:02:28,752 --> 00:02:30,962
you've moved on from that, right?
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00:02:31,087 --> 00:02:33,173
I'm only at my mom's
because I travel a lot
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00:02:33,298 --> 00:02:35,008
and I don't want to waste money on rent.
72
00:02:35,133 --> 00:02:36,760
You guys need to lay off.
73
00:02:36,885 --> 00:02:39,971
Sneaking around
has been really hard on us.
74
00:02:40,096 --> 00:02:43,558
We've had to do some really
crazy stuff to get any privacy.
75
00:02:43,683 --> 00:02:44,684
Oh, yeah.
76
00:02:44,809 --> 00:02:46,353
Well, Darlene and I know
what that's like
77
00:02:46,478 --> 00:02:48,480
from when we lived with Dan.
78
00:02:48,605 --> 00:02:50,148
Ugh, I hate that I know this,
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00:02:50,273 --> 00:02:53,818
but the baby-changing tables
at Arby's...
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00:02:53,943 --> 00:02:56,363
the only ones that'll support
two adults.
81
00:03:01,659 --> 00:03:04,579
Like you're the first one
to discover that.
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6x02 - Valentine's Day Treats
and Credit Card Cheats
83
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[bluesy rock music]
84
00:03:13,505 --> 00:03:20,553
♪ ♪
85
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"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
86
00:03:31,940 --> 00:03:36,194
So, spending Valentine's Day
at The Lunch Box.
87
00:03:36,319 --> 00:03:39,072
Not only is the romance gone,
it's been taken out back,
88
00:03:39,197 --> 00:03:41,074
shot, and dumped in the woods.
89
00:03:42,450 --> 00:03:45,745
For your information,
we have planned a lovely,
90
00:03:45,870 --> 00:03:48,081
intimate evening in downtown Chicago.
91
00:03:48,206 --> 00:03:51,084
So we will be keeping it light
and splitting
92
00:03:51,209 --> 00:03:56,381
the "Nothing Will Come
Between Us" wedge salad.
93
00:03:56,506 --> 00:03:57,757
Hey.
94
00:03:57,882 --> 00:04:01,344
Sorry I'm late, but we
have got a big problem.
95
00:04:01,469 --> 00:04:04,013
What else is new?
96
00:04:04,139 --> 00:04:06,015
Somebody stole Bev's identity
97
00:04:06,141 --> 00:04:08,935
and ran up, like, $10,000
on her credit cards.
98
00:04:09,060 --> 00:04:10,186
They bought two puppies,
99
00:04:10,311 --> 00:04:13,231
started sponsoring twin orphans
in South America,
100
00:04:13,356 --> 00:04:15,942
and bought a long-term timeshare
101
00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:19,154
with no holidays available.
102
00:04:21,281 --> 00:04:22,532
How can Bev not know about this?
103
00:04:22,657 --> 00:04:23,825
It's her account.
104
00:04:23,950 --> 00:04:25,118
Well, she's in her 90s,
105
00:04:25,243 --> 00:04:27,370
and when she started
developing dementia,
106
00:04:27,495 --> 00:04:29,789
I had to jump in
and take over her bills.
107
00:04:29,914 --> 00:04:32,292
Why not just have the company
freeze her credit card?
108
00:04:32,417 --> 00:04:34,711
She's not going to understand
what's going on.
109
00:04:34,836 --> 00:04:36,337
She's going to get all agitated.
110
00:04:36,463 --> 00:04:38,381
Then she's going to look
for a way to blame me
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00:04:38,506 --> 00:04:39,549
because that's her MO.
112
00:04:39,674 --> 00:04:41,092
Then I'm going to see a white flash,
113
00:04:41,217 --> 00:04:43,386
and I'm going to wake up
on the dark web,
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00:04:43,511 --> 00:04:46,014
shopping for chloroform.
115
00:04:49,184 --> 00:04:50,310
I can't do it by myself.
116
00:04:50,435 --> 00:04:52,312
Darlene, you have to come
with me tomorrow.
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00:04:52,437 --> 00:04:54,898
You know, I have distinctly cultivated
118
00:04:55,023 --> 00:04:56,316
a repellent personality
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00:04:56,441 --> 00:04:58,362
so that people
would not ask me for favors.
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[groaning]
121
00:05:02,363 --> 00:05:03,406
All right.
122
00:05:03,531 --> 00:05:04,574
Okay, fine.
123
00:05:04,699 --> 00:05:05,658
Fine.
124
00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:07,540
But if she starts insisting again
125
00:05:07,647 --> 00:05:09,440
that I'm that little guy
who was the lead singer
126
00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:11,206
of The Monkees, I'm out.
127
00:05:14,417 --> 00:05:16,961
Remember, we're going
to see how things go,
128
00:05:17,086 --> 00:05:18,588
and if she seems like she likes you,
129
00:05:18,713 --> 00:05:21,341
we'll ease into the boyfriend talk.
130
00:05:21,466 --> 00:05:22,550
Oh, just a heads-up...
131
00:05:22,675 --> 00:05:24,469
if Beverly Rose feels uncomfortable,
132
00:05:24,594 --> 00:05:26,971
she may become a dog named Pancake.
133
00:05:30,642 --> 00:05:32,769
Beverly Rose, look who's here.
134
00:05:32,894 --> 00:05:34,687
It's my friend Tyler.
135
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:37,106
You met him at The Lunch Box, remember?
136
00:05:37,232 --> 00:05:40,151
That was the day you kissed everybody.
137
00:05:40,276 --> 00:05:41,778
Yes, it was.
138
00:05:41,903 --> 00:05:43,863
Let's not share that.
139
00:05:43,988 --> 00:05:47,200
Uh, I think Tyler brought you something.
140
00:05:47,325 --> 00:05:50,036
Um, Happy Valentine's Day.
141
00:05:50,161 --> 00:05:51,955
It's a jet like I fly,
142
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,291
and inside is a little woman pilot.
143
00:05:55,416 --> 00:05:58,336
Who makes a fraction
of what her male copilot makes.
144
00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:01,798
All right, I got
a romantic evening tonight.
145
00:06:01,923 --> 00:06:04,509
I got to go put on a bold lip
and take some Gas-X.
146
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:07,887
Since it's a plane
that delivers packages,
147
00:06:08,012 --> 00:06:09,138
why don't you look inside
148
00:06:09,264 --> 00:06:10,848
and see if there's anything for you?
149
00:06:10,974 --> 00:06:12,225
[gasps]
150
00:06:12,350 --> 00:06:14,310
I already got candy at school.
151
00:06:14,435 --> 00:06:15,979
Do you have anything else?
152
00:06:17,230 --> 00:06:19,399
Beverly Rose, you're being rude.
153
00:06:19,524 --> 00:06:22,485
Tyler got you something nice.
You should say thank you.
154
00:06:22,610 --> 00:06:24,153
Thank you.
155
00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:25,822
It's...
156
00:06:25,947 --> 00:06:27,490
You know what?
There's... there's actually...
157
00:06:27,615 --> 00:06:29,474
There's something else.
There's something else.
158
00:06:29,575 --> 00:06:30,702
Let's...
159
00:06:30,827 --> 00:06:33,079
Look at that. It's money.
160
00:06:38,293 --> 00:06:40,169
It's a $20 bill.
161
00:06:40,295 --> 00:06:42,255
This is what they look like, Mom.
162
00:06:43,631 --> 00:06:46,050
- [chuckles awkwardly]
- She hugged me.
163
00:06:46,175 --> 00:06:48,344
Yeah, couple trips to the ATM,
164
00:06:48,469 --> 00:06:51,681
and she'll be cool
with us getting married.
165
00:06:51,806 --> 00:06:53,224
Is that in play?
166
00:06:53,349 --> 00:06:54,851
I'm a middle-aged single mother
167
00:06:54,976 --> 00:06:56,352
living with her kid sister.
168
00:06:56,477 --> 00:06:57,895
Everything is in play.
169
00:06:58,021 --> 00:06:59,439
[bluesy harmonica music]
170
00:07:00,844 --> 00:07:02,513
[knocking on door]
171
00:07:04,827 --> 00:07:06,537
Oh. Hey, Mom.
172
00:07:06,662 --> 00:07:08,956
I thought your nurse
would be answering the door.
173
00:07:09,081 --> 00:07:10,624
We've be talking about her posture,
174
00:07:10,749 --> 00:07:12,543
and I said she's getting
one of those humps,
175
00:07:12,668 --> 00:07:15,337
and she said she needed some air.
176
00:07:15,462 --> 00:07:18,257
I think she goes out
and smokes cigarettes.
177
00:07:18,382 --> 00:07:21,218
So what brings you by, Jackie?
178
00:07:21,343 --> 00:07:22,761
Oh, nothing big.
179
00:07:22,886 --> 00:07:25,806
Um, you know who this is?
180
00:07:27,558 --> 00:07:29,560
Of course I do.
181
00:07:29,685 --> 00:07:32,062
- Hi.
- Hi.
182
00:07:32,187 --> 00:07:33,480
- Hi.
- Hi.
183
00:07:33,605 --> 00:07:37,151
Uh, come have a seat,
and you can both tell me
184
00:07:37,276 --> 00:07:39,987
why you look so constipated.
185
00:07:40,112 --> 00:07:41,822
It seems like you're having
a pretty good day.
186
00:07:41,947 --> 00:07:45,701
Unfortunately, I got
a little bit of bad news, Mom.
187
00:07:45,826 --> 00:07:47,494
Your credit card number was stolen,
188
00:07:47,619 --> 00:07:49,705
and you're going to have to get
a new card.
189
00:07:49,830 --> 00:07:53,000
That's terrible.
How can someone do that?
190
00:07:53,125 --> 00:07:54,418
Well, they pretend to be you.
191
00:07:54,543 --> 00:07:56,920
They buy things online
using your account.
192
00:07:57,045 --> 00:07:58,380
They do it through the computer.
193
00:07:58,505 --> 00:08:01,508
How'd they get my computer?
194
00:08:01,633 --> 00:08:03,302
They don't need your computer.
195
00:08:03,427 --> 00:08:05,512
They have your credit card information.
196
00:08:05,637 --> 00:08:08,182
That's impossible.
I have the card right here.
197
00:08:08,307 --> 00:08:10,267
No, it's not how it works, Mom.
198
00:08:10,392 --> 00:08:12,686
Somehow they got your numbers online.
199
00:08:12,811 --> 00:08:14,271
This is all a big bore.
200
00:08:14,396 --> 00:08:16,690
You and Davy Jones work it out.
201
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:20,527
Is it the haircut?
Is it because I'm short?
202
00:08:20,652 --> 00:08:22,154
Or what's the...
203
00:08:22,279 --> 00:08:25,532
Mom, Mom, your card
is going to be unusable
204
00:08:25,657 --> 00:08:26,783
for one or two days.
205
00:08:26,909 --> 00:08:30,120
Somebody bought puppies,
sponsored orphans,
206
00:08:30,245 --> 00:08:31,788
signed up for a timeshare,
207
00:08:31,914 --> 00:08:34,541
and donated to some sketchy organization
208
00:08:34,666 --> 00:08:36,877
that's had four documentaries about it.
209
00:08:37,002 --> 00:08:38,337
That was me.
210
00:08:38,462 --> 00:08:39,880
What?
211
00:08:42,508 --> 00:08:44,218
[dog barks]
212
00:08:46,512 --> 00:08:48,931
Isn't he cute?
213
00:08:49,056 --> 00:08:50,682
Why would you buy all these things?
214
00:08:50,807 --> 00:08:53,352
And, more importantly, how
are you going to pay for them?
215
00:08:53,477 --> 00:08:56,063
I just pay the minimum every month.
216
00:08:56,188 --> 00:08:57,231
I know what I'm doing.
217
00:08:57,356 --> 00:09:00,817
These are all things I want and need.
218
00:09:00,943 --> 00:09:04,071
But they all require time.
219
00:09:04,196 --> 00:09:06,990
Puppies grow up. Orphans grow up.
220
00:09:07,115 --> 00:09:08,909
Timeshares...
221
00:09:09,034 --> 00:09:12,371
you know, time.
222
00:09:12,496 --> 00:09:14,373
I don't know what you're getting at.
223
00:09:14,498 --> 00:09:17,167
I have nothing but time.
224
00:09:17,292 --> 00:09:19,878
This one won't do his business
in the cold,
225
00:09:20,003 --> 00:09:21,838
so he needs a warm winter home.
226
00:09:21,964 --> 00:09:25,384
That's why I bought
the timeshare in Miami.
227
00:09:25,509 --> 00:09:27,594
Okay, but puppies and timeshares
228
00:09:27,719 --> 00:09:30,389
are long-term commitments.
229
00:09:30,514 --> 00:09:34,476
You're sort of short-term.
230
00:09:34,601 --> 00:09:38,188
- I don't know what you mean.
- Okay.
231
00:09:38,313 --> 00:09:40,107
There's a guy standing behind you
232
00:09:40,232 --> 00:09:42,818
with a black robe and a sickle.
233
00:09:42,943 --> 00:09:44,987
And it falls off on us.
234
00:09:45,112 --> 00:09:47,447
We're going to get stuck
taking care of all these things
235
00:09:47,573 --> 00:09:49,825
and dealing with a huge bill.
236
00:09:49,950 --> 00:09:54,371
Well, I'm getting points
for all my purchases.
237
00:09:54,496 --> 00:09:57,332
Yeah, okay, well, when we get
out of the poorhouse,
238
00:09:57,457 --> 00:09:58,458
we'll use them.
239
00:09:58,584 --> 00:10:00,711
We'll, uh, go down
and visit the puppies,
240
00:10:00,836 --> 00:10:05,173
who are living it up in Miami
but never on a holiday.
241
00:10:07,092 --> 00:10:09,970
[bluesy rock music]
242
00:10:10,095 --> 00:10:11,763
Oh, no, you beat me again.
243
00:10:11,888 --> 00:10:13,473
Here's another $20.
244
00:10:14,933 --> 00:10:15,976
Okay.
245
00:10:16,101 --> 00:10:19,313
Uh, that's a 3-day take of $80.
246
00:10:19,438 --> 00:10:21,148
I think we're done with Uno.
247
00:10:21,273 --> 00:10:23,317
Well, I blew through most
of my cash on the giraffe,
248
00:10:23,442 --> 00:10:27,154
but if she has a Venmo account,
we can keep right on going.
249
00:10:27,279 --> 00:10:28,488
It's okay.
250
00:10:28,614 --> 00:10:30,824
And Beverly Rose and I also have a date
251
00:10:30,949 --> 00:10:32,993
at Uncle Chester's for pizza.
252
00:10:33,118 --> 00:10:34,786
I want Tyler to come.
253
00:10:34,911 --> 00:10:37,706
Oh, that's great. Me too.
254
00:10:37,831 --> 00:10:40,125
And I want to go to Dave & Buster's.
255
00:10:40,250 --> 00:10:42,711
Tyler could buy games,
and I could win stuff.
256
00:10:44,296 --> 00:10:46,506
No, that's too expensive,
257
00:10:46,632 --> 00:10:49,009
and Tyler has bought you
enough stuff this week.
258
00:10:49,134 --> 00:10:50,510
I don't mind paying.
259
00:10:50,636 --> 00:10:52,346
I hate Uncle Chester's now.
260
00:10:52,471 --> 00:10:55,432
You go there, and I'll go
to Dave & Buster's with Tyler.
261
00:10:57,434 --> 00:10:58,518
Wow.
262
00:10:58,644 --> 00:11:01,855
We do not talk to each other like this.
263
00:11:01,980 --> 00:11:03,690
I don't think we're going anywhere,
264
00:11:03,815 --> 00:11:06,485
and Tyler is going home.
265
00:11:06,610 --> 00:11:08,528
Do I have to?
266
00:11:08,654 --> 00:11:10,489
Yeah, you do.
267
00:11:10,614 --> 00:11:12,199
I got to deal with this.
268
00:11:15,827 --> 00:11:17,371
Not fair.
269
00:11:19,414 --> 00:11:22,668
Normally, sending her to
a room would be a punishment,
270
00:11:22,793 --> 00:11:24,503
but now she's just going to go in there
271
00:11:24,628 --> 00:11:26,421
and make it rain on Mr. Giraffe.
272
00:11:26,546 --> 00:11:29,424
♪ ♪
273
00:11:30,887 --> 00:11:34,557
Okay, so I called you guys
because Bev is out of control,
274
00:11:34,666 --> 00:11:37,461
and Darlene and I can't
handle this alone.
275
00:11:37,586 --> 00:11:39,171
How does this affect us?
276
00:11:39,296 --> 00:11:42,174
And by us, I mean me, because
that's all I care about.
277
00:11:43,425 --> 00:11:45,260
Look, none of us
wants to deal with this,
278
00:11:45,385 --> 00:11:47,429
but she's about to leave us
a mountain of debt.
279
00:11:47,554 --> 00:11:49,264
And in case you haven't heard
the expression,
280
00:11:49,389 --> 00:11:51,016
debt runs downhill.
281
00:11:51,141 --> 00:11:53,643
Yeah, so we have to undo
everything she's done.
282
00:11:53,769 --> 00:11:55,604
Harris, you deal with the timeshare guy.
283
00:11:55,729 --> 00:11:58,064
You might have to fly to Miami
and throw him one,
284
00:11:58,190 --> 00:12:01,443
but we're talking
about thousands of dollars.
285
00:12:01,568 --> 00:12:04,070
Darlene, you've always been
the messenger of doom,
286
00:12:04,196 --> 00:12:07,407
so you tell the orphans
they're on their own again.
287
00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:10,076
All right, I'm a little rusty,
288
00:12:10,202 --> 00:12:11,870
but looking forward
to getting back on that horse.
289
00:12:11,995 --> 00:12:14,998
Okay, and, Ben, why don't
you work on canceling
290
00:12:15,123 --> 00:12:17,834
Bev's auto-pay contribution
to some organization
291
00:12:17,959 --> 00:12:20,045
called The Pyramid?
292
00:12:20,170 --> 00:12:21,922
That's it? What's the catch?
293
00:12:22,047 --> 00:12:23,965
Well, we're not exactly
sure what The Pyramid is,
294
00:12:24,090 --> 00:12:26,384
but according to all four documentaries,
295
00:12:26,510 --> 00:12:28,637
they're going to threaten you.
296
00:12:28,762 --> 00:12:29,888
Threaten me with what?
297
00:12:30,013 --> 00:12:32,849
Taking my money, my self-esteem.
298
00:12:32,974 --> 00:12:36,019
my Goodwill IZOD shirt?
299
00:12:36,144 --> 00:12:39,981
Somebody's got to do
something about those puppies.
300
00:12:40,106 --> 00:12:42,192
- No. No, no.
- No?
301
00:12:42,317 --> 00:12:44,820
- I'm not doing the puppies.
- Dan, you love animals.
302
00:12:44,945 --> 00:12:46,321
Yeah, but Beverly doesn't love me.
303
00:12:46,446 --> 00:12:49,032
I'm not going over
to that apartment by myself
304
00:12:49,157 --> 00:12:53,995
and try and pry a puppy
from her dry, bony clutches.
305
00:12:55,038 --> 00:12:56,373
- Darlene?
- Oh, no.
306
00:12:56,498 --> 00:12:58,333
I told her I was on tour
with Herman's Hermits.
307
00:12:58,458 --> 00:12:59,751
It'll just freak her out.
308
00:13:02,879 --> 00:13:04,881
Oh, God, fine.
309
00:13:05,006 --> 00:13:08,885
I'm gonna be making minimum
payments on my mom's card
310
00:13:09,010 --> 00:13:12,347
for the rest of my life after she dies.
311
00:13:12,472 --> 00:13:14,891
- [exhales deeply]
- Wait a second.
312
00:13:15,016 --> 00:13:16,768
Oh, my God, I just remembered.
313
00:13:16,893 --> 00:13:19,813
After Mom died, I called
the credit card company,
314
00:13:19,938 --> 00:13:22,399
and they wiped
the balance clean on her card.
315
00:13:22,524 --> 00:13:24,317
They said it's just a tax loss.
316
00:13:24,442 --> 00:13:26,570
Holy crap, are you kidding me?
317
00:13:26,695 --> 00:13:28,196
No, I guess when it happened,
318
00:13:28,321 --> 00:13:30,490
there was just so much
going on, I blocked it out.
319
00:13:30,615 --> 00:13:32,742
[shushing]
320
00:13:34,870 --> 00:13:37,372
So, if I'm hearing what you're saying,
321
00:13:37,497 --> 00:13:39,541
theoretically...
322
00:13:39,666 --> 00:13:42,294
a person could run up thousands
on her card
323
00:13:42,419 --> 00:13:45,547
and not have to pay anything
after she's gone.
324
00:13:46,882 --> 00:13:51,678
[softly] And if we expand
on that theory...
325
00:13:51,803 --> 00:13:55,724
someone could use
Grandma Bev's card, say,
326
00:13:55,849 --> 00:13:57,684
to buy somebody's son a computer
327
00:13:57,809 --> 00:14:00,186
that they need for college.
328
00:14:00,312 --> 00:14:04,816
[softly] And if we really
challenged this theory,
329
00:14:04,941 --> 00:14:07,569
a great-granddaughter
could get a new phone
330
00:14:07,694 --> 00:14:09,821
with, I don't know, unlimited data.
331
00:14:12,198 --> 00:14:13,867
[softly] Right.
332
00:14:13,992 --> 00:14:15,484
[normal voice] My knees are killing me.
333
00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:19,148
Is it okay if we talk softly
but up on the couch?
334
00:14:20,916 --> 00:14:23,460
[bluesy rock music]
335
00:14:23,585 --> 00:14:25,629
- [knocking on door]
- Just come in.
336
00:14:25,754 --> 00:14:27,756
But if you're here to rob me,
I warn you,
337
00:14:27,881 --> 00:14:29,466
- I have vicious dogs.
- [door opens]
338
00:14:29,591 --> 00:14:30,967
Are you vicious dogs? Are you?
339
00:14:31,092 --> 00:14:33,929
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
340
00:14:36,890 --> 00:14:38,683
I can't do this.
341
00:14:38,808 --> 00:14:41,311
Do you want the puppies
to eat Bev when she dies?
342
00:14:41,436 --> 00:14:44,975
You're right. No puppy should
have to ingest that much evil.
343
00:14:47,092 --> 00:14:49,361
Bev, I came here for a reason,
344
00:14:49,486 --> 00:14:51,529
and I want to make it clear
that, despite our history,
345
00:14:51,655 --> 00:14:53,198
I'm not looking for a fight.
346
00:14:53,323 --> 00:14:55,659
Well, since you're bringing
up our history,
347
00:14:55,784 --> 00:14:58,620
I think it's time to clear the air.
348
00:14:58,745 --> 00:15:00,330
Here we go.
349
00:15:00,455 --> 00:15:01,957
Dan, I've always been hard on you
350
00:15:02,082 --> 00:15:03,959
because I thought you were the rock
351
00:15:04,084 --> 00:15:06,711
that was going to bring Roseanne down.
352
00:15:06,836 --> 00:15:09,339
But I was wrong, because you turned out
353
00:15:09,464 --> 00:15:13,802
to be the rock that kept
everyone from blowing away.
354
00:15:13,927 --> 00:15:15,971
You're a good man.
355
00:15:18,181 --> 00:15:20,016
I'm scared, Daddy.
356
00:15:22,477 --> 00:15:24,145
Bev...
357
00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:26,398
do you know what you're saying?
358
00:15:26,523 --> 00:15:29,776
Because it would seem
to indicate that you like me.
359
00:15:29,901 --> 00:15:32,195
We find that troubling.
360
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,781
Dan, I owe you for all of the happiness
361
00:15:34,906 --> 00:15:36,825
that my daughter had in this life
362
00:15:36,950 --> 00:15:40,286
and for my beautiful grandchildren.
363
00:15:40,412 --> 00:15:41,371
Thank you, Beverly.
364
00:15:41,496 --> 00:15:43,665
I really appreciate you saying that.
365
00:15:43,790 --> 00:15:45,709
I did my best.
366
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:48,044
Dan, will you hand me the dog treats?
367
00:15:48,169 --> 00:15:51,923
I've got to reward my young men
for being such good boys.
368
00:15:53,508 --> 00:15:54,801
You know what, Bev?
369
00:15:54,926 --> 00:15:58,179
You've already been so nice to me today.
370
00:15:58,304 --> 00:16:00,181
And I hate to even ask you this,
371
00:16:00,306 --> 00:16:03,101
but would you even consider...
372
00:16:03,226 --> 00:16:05,687
giving this good boy your puppies?
373
00:16:05,812 --> 00:16:07,355
The kids are all out of the house,
374
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,899
and I could use the company.
375
00:16:10,025 --> 00:16:12,360
I was hoping someone would ask.
376
00:16:12,485 --> 00:16:13,903
I'm worried they won't get along
377
00:16:14,029 --> 00:16:16,656
with the cockatoo I still have coming.
378
00:16:18,158 --> 00:16:20,577
♪ ♪
379
00:16:20,702 --> 00:16:23,705
Hey. Beverly Rose is in bed.
380
00:16:23,830 --> 00:16:26,750
When you get a chance,
come on over, and we'll talk.
381
00:16:26,875 --> 00:16:28,752
[knocking on door]
382
00:16:28,877 --> 00:16:31,171
Is that you?
383
00:16:34,466 --> 00:16:35,967
Oh, my God.
384
00:16:38,636 --> 00:16:40,430
I was a little anxious, so
I just walked around the block
385
00:16:40,555 --> 00:16:42,098
a couple hundred times.
386
00:16:44,392 --> 00:16:47,937
Look, I know you're upset with me,
387
00:16:48,063 --> 00:16:50,398
but I know that if she doesn't
like me, I'll lose you.
388
00:16:50,523 --> 00:16:51,816
I've seen it before.
389
00:16:51,941 --> 00:16:55,361
And I've seen kids
be entitled little snots.
390
00:16:55,487 --> 00:16:57,113
So I took her $80,
391
00:16:57,238 --> 00:17:00,784
and I told her it was going
towards a college education.
392
00:17:00,909 --> 00:17:03,286
It's my college education,
393
00:17:03,411 --> 00:17:05,455
but she will still benefit from it.
394
00:17:07,707 --> 00:17:09,501
Okay. I get it.
395
00:17:09,626 --> 00:17:11,169
I went overboard.
396
00:17:11,294 --> 00:17:13,004
I'm just desperate to make this work.
397
00:17:13,129 --> 00:17:15,924
Yeah. I want to make it work, too.
398
00:17:16,049 --> 00:17:17,801
But you're setting Beverly Rose up
399
00:17:17,926 --> 00:17:20,053
for constant disappointment.
400
00:17:20,178 --> 00:17:23,098
And it's not one
of the many disappointments
401
00:17:23,223 --> 00:17:25,517
we've been preparing her for.
402
00:17:25,642 --> 00:17:27,102
Okay, so...
403
00:17:27,227 --> 00:17:29,896
if she doesn't like me,
what happens with us?
404
00:17:30,021 --> 00:17:32,732
A Conner will throw a child
out of the house
405
00:17:32,857 --> 00:17:35,568
for a man who makes a decent living.
406
00:17:35,693 --> 00:17:37,654
But I kind of like this kid,
407
00:17:37,779 --> 00:17:41,825
and I think, even without
the money and the gifts,
408
00:17:41,950 --> 00:17:44,369
she's going to like you as much as I do.
409
00:17:44,494 --> 00:17:46,788
Okay, so I got to get her
to like me for me.
410
00:17:48,248 --> 00:17:50,125
But even my mom makes me
buy her cigarettes
411
00:17:50,250 --> 00:17:51,709
and lotto tickets.
412
00:17:53,419 --> 00:17:57,465
Wow, a damaged man with money...
413
00:17:57,590 --> 00:18:00,635
marriage is definitely on the table.
414
00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:07,350
Remember, we have Bev
to thank for these presents.
415
00:18:07,475 --> 00:18:09,185
- [laughs]
- Huh.
416
00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:11,646
Really is like Christmas morning,
417
00:18:11,771 --> 00:18:14,566
if our parents made better
choices and really loved us.
418
00:18:14,691 --> 00:18:17,110
Uh, excuse me, it was my idea
419
00:18:17,242 --> 00:18:18,730
to cheat the credit card people.
420
00:18:18,824 --> 00:18:20,292
How about a little appreciation?
421
00:18:20,401 --> 00:18:22,866
Well, you can't take all the credit.
422
00:18:22,991 --> 00:18:26,703
It was me who actually
committed the fraud.
423
00:18:26,828 --> 00:18:28,121
[laughter]
424
00:18:28,246 --> 00:18:32,208
Hey, Ben, Ben, did you see
Mark's new computer?
425
00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:33,710
Uh-huh. Yeah, it's pretty.
426
00:18:33,835 --> 00:18:35,879
Ben, how'd it go with canceling
427
00:18:36,004 --> 00:18:37,964
Bev's monthly subscription
to The Pyramid?
428
00:18:38,089 --> 00:18:40,300
You know...
429
00:18:40,425 --> 00:18:42,510
they actually have some good ideas.
430
00:18:44,679 --> 00:18:47,056
I do feel like my mind gets in the way
431
00:18:47,182 --> 00:18:50,226
of what I want to accomplish
on this planet.
432
00:18:50,351 --> 00:18:51,728
Yeah, well, don't get attached.
433
00:18:51,853 --> 00:18:53,062
As soon as they find out you're poor,
434
00:18:53,188 --> 00:18:54,939
they won't even let you scrub the boat.
435
00:18:55,064 --> 00:18:58,401
Hey, Harris, did you get
a chance to check out
436
00:18:58,526 --> 00:19:00,862
our new order-tablet software system?
437
00:19:00,987 --> 00:19:04,073
I already made an account for
the restaurant and signed in.
438
00:19:04,199 --> 00:19:06,492
- Look at this.
- Oh.
439
00:19:06,618 --> 00:19:10,079
"Welcome to The Munch Box.
440
00:19:10,205 --> 00:19:12,165
Please punch in your order, Jockey."
441
00:19:12,290 --> 00:19:17,086
Oh, darn. See, that took me,
like, six hours to do that.
442
00:19:17,212 --> 00:19:18,421
Good news...
443
00:19:18,546 --> 00:19:21,049
I got Bev's nurse to take the puppies.
444
00:19:21,174 --> 00:19:24,385
I passed a cockatoo in the hallway.
445
00:19:24,510 --> 00:19:25,595
Big bird.
446
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,513
So, Dan...
447
00:19:27,639 --> 00:19:29,515
Dan, everybody else in the family
448
00:19:29,641 --> 00:19:31,226
got something from Bev's credit card,
449
00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:32,958
and I think you deserve something, too.
450
00:19:33,058 --> 00:19:34,583
Your options are
451
00:19:34,677 --> 00:19:38,900
a TV that looks like a painting
of a Paris street when it's off
452
00:19:39,025 --> 00:19:42,028
or two months of mortgage payments.
453
00:19:42,153 --> 00:19:46,449
Well, I-I do care about
what I leave for my children.
454
00:19:46,574 --> 00:19:49,077
But I want that TV painting.
455
00:19:49,202 --> 00:19:51,412
[cell phone rings]
456
00:19:51,537 --> 00:19:52,705
Oh.
457
00:19:52,830 --> 00:19:54,082
Hey, hon.
458
00:19:54,207 --> 00:19:57,710
Hey, we're going to order
the TV painting.
459
00:19:57,835 --> 00:19:59,921
Oh, they did, huh?
460
00:20:00,046 --> 00:20:01,297
Oh.
461
00:20:01,422 --> 00:20:03,091
Oh, okay, yeah.
462
00:20:03,216 --> 00:20:06,052
Um, let me call you back.
463
00:20:06,177 --> 00:20:07,942
- Everything okay?
- That was Neville.
464
00:20:08,044 --> 00:20:11,891
He said the credit card company
tried calling the house.
465
00:20:12,016 --> 00:20:14,102
I wasn't there, so they called my mom's
466
00:20:14,227 --> 00:20:16,104
to confirm all the new charges,
467
00:20:16,229 --> 00:20:18,982
and she denied making any of them.
468
00:20:19,107 --> 00:20:22,485
Well, she didn't.
469
00:20:22,610 --> 00:20:24,112
Thank you!
470
00:20:26,197 --> 00:20:28,032
So...
471
00:20:28,157 --> 00:20:31,995
they're going to investigate
the charges for fraud.
472
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,122
And...
473
00:20:34,247 --> 00:20:37,792
[stuttering] You're the one
responsible for this.
474
00:20:37,917 --> 00:20:40,461
No way. You bought the gifts,
so it was you.
475
00:20:40,586 --> 00:20:42,797
- You even said so.
- Well, you're the mastermind.
476
00:20:42,922 --> 00:20:46,301
You tried taking credit for it
just a minute ago.
477
00:20:46,426 --> 00:20:49,387
Well, a lot's changed
since then, Jockey.
478
00:20:53,575 --> 00:20:55,702
You can tell a lot about how
these kids will turn out
479
00:20:55,827 --> 00:20:57,662
by the valentines
they give Beverly Rose.
480
00:20:58,621 --> 00:21:00,373
"Roses are red, violets are blue,
481
00:21:00,498 --> 00:21:03,710
but it depends on
the composition of the soil."
482
00:21:03,835 --> 00:21:05,879
Tell Beverly Rose to kiss this boy.
483
00:21:06,004 --> 00:21:07,338
He's going to end up at Microsoft.
484
00:21:07,463 --> 00:21:09,549
Yeah. [clears throat]
485
00:21:09,674 --> 00:21:12,051
"I will give you my heart...
486
00:21:12,177 --> 00:21:16,514
even though my mom said
I'll die without it."
487
00:21:16,639 --> 00:21:19,893
Oh, and, look, Calder drew
a picture of himself
488
00:21:20,018 --> 00:21:22,937
ripping his tiny little heart
out of his chest.
489
00:21:23,062 --> 00:21:26,065
Lucky... I would have killed
for a connection like that.
490
00:21:28,026 --> 00:21:29,777
[child giggles]
35914
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