Original subtitles

Gorgeous Georgians

Dingy castles, daring knights

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Punishment from ancient times

Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and measly Middle Ages

Horrible Histories presents...

Hello, loyal subjects.

King Rattus here with a special look at some of history's best

and worst kings and queens.

And let me tell you, it's not easy being a monarch.

Your bath is ready, Your Majesty,

and the feast will be served at ten.

All right, so it's not all bad, but it can be really tough.

And hard times can start even before you take the throne,

just ask Marie Antoinette.

Guys, what an incredible show we've got for you today.

I'm famous French hairdresser, Sieur Larsenneur.

And I'm portrait artist Joseph Ducreux.

And we are here to collect an Austrian princess.

Say hi to the viewers! Hello.

This princess knows she's heading to France to marry

Prince Louis, who's going to be king one day.

What she doesn't know is how much the French public will hate her

if she looks Austrian. What?

They literally won't let her into the country looking like this.

They'll rip her to shreds!

Which, quite frankly, would be an improvement.

So we're here to make this Austrian wench look really French.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Now, I'm thinking we'll call you Marie Antoinette.

But that is not my name, my name is Maria Antonia.

Not any more!

We're changing it to Marie Antoinette, it sounds more French.

Future queen of France, let's dance.

What is going on with this hair?!

You've got it scraped back so far,

it's pulling out the roots in clumps!

But it's very fashionable in Austria. That explains everything.

At the moment, honey, this forehead gives me a sore head.

OMG, you are so right!

That's why when I was sent to Austria to paint you,

I painted what I wanted to see, not what I did see.

She is so fresh, so fly, so French.

It doesn't look anything like me! BOTH: Exactly!

So good. Thank you.

Wow, it's magnificent. I know.

Now, sweetie, we want this makeover to get you smiling again,

but only after we've fixed your disgusting Austrian fangs.

Look at those jagged little teeth pointing out all over the place,

it's like, "Guys, pick a direction!"

So we're going to give you a very beautiful

and very straight smile, and all it will take

is some light dentistry,

using these state-of-the-art metal tools!

Oh, won't that hurt? You won't feel a thing. Oh.

Because you'll feel everything! We don't have pain relief.

Open wide! Let's make your dentures all Frenchers.

SHE SQUEALS

When we met Maria Antonia, she was a real no, no, no-nia.

But Marie Antoinette is tres chic, she's glamorous,

she can barely move her mouth after agonising dental surgery,

but she is fit for France.

Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui.

CHEERS: Oh!

So what do you think of your transformation, are you happy?

SHE WHIMPERS

Oh, she's speechless!

And now you're finally ready to enter France and marry a prince.

Yes, queen! This is the happi...argh,

happiest day of my life. Oh!

But let's dance! Woo!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC WINDS DOWN

Yeah, we probably should have worked on her dancing, too.

Definitely. Please just stop, you're embarrassing everyone.

Oof! A bit awks to be Marie Antoinette,

but totally amazeballs to be me,

King Henry VIII. Ooh! Good times.

But do you know what the best thing about being king is?

Having a loving, supportive, uncomplicated royal family

around you, who have always got your back no matter what you do.

At least, that's what I've heard.

I mean, my family's nothing like that.

Yeah, first few days with the new wife

and things seem to be going well.

Jane...something.

This is my third and final wife. "Henry VIII and his three wives,"

people will say.

Ha-ha-ha, big hug!

You know what would be, like, really, really amazing? Yeah?

Getting the whole family together for, like, a big

kind of get-to-know-you party.

Really? Will there be food? Yeah, sure!

Then a brilliant idea, yeah, invite everyone. OK. Hey! I'm here!

Jane, quick, get out. Argh!

Stepmother, dear... Yeah.

..why don't you let me send out all the invites to the party?

Oh, Mary, this is so sweet of you!

Do you know what, I was actually a tiny little bit concerned

that you might be a bit angry, what with Henry saying

that you weren't a princess any more. Yeah.

No, as if!

That's all ancient history! Yeah, ha-ha! Phew!

Hands in for family. Oh. One, two, three, happy families!

Happy family!

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

Family's all here... Yay! ..food's all here, bonza! Let's eat.

Actually, Dad, not everyone is here.

Really? Jane's here... Hello!

..you're here, Elizabeth is here.

I'm assuming my exes aren't turning up because I...

HE IMITATES SLITTING

Sorry, I know that's insensitive. No offence, girls, they were your mums.

But we're not all your children, are we?

Henry FitzRoy in the house!

Hey, Dad, I got me invite!

Well, I did say I'd invite everyone, didn't I?

Yeah, sorry, so Henry is my son.

I wasn't married to his mum, so he technically can't be king,

although he is awesome.

So if we don't have a son, then I'd want him to be king over the girls.

Again, no offence, girls. Let's eat.

That's still not everyone.

Really? We're just getting started.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Thomas...Stukley.

Stukers.

So I knew Thomas Stukley's mum, quite well.

Very well, actually.

Erm, I mean, there was pure speculation, obviously,

I mean, no-one can be sure.

Shall we eat?

Don't get too comfortable, Daddy, I've just started.

It's Catherine and Henry Carey.

Look, Elizabeth, it's your cousins, or potentially half-siblings.

Two of them, ha!

This is going to be a really long evening for me.

Everybody knows I went on a couple of dates

with Anne Boleyn's sister, Mary.

It's not a secret.

Also, sorry, how do they have beards?

They're 11-year-old children, and one of them's a girl!

The glue-on beards were my idea.

Nice touch, don't you think?

Well, this is nice, shall we eat?

Uh-uh.

Oh, look, it's Audrey Malte and John Perrot.

How many children do you have?

Look, Jane, I'm a complicated guy.

I may have had a few...

COUGHS: Lots.

..lots of kids who can't technically be royals because

I wasn't married to their mums, and I may have

disinherited Mary from her right to the throne,

and I'm going to do the same to Elizabeth, probably.

But does that all really make me a bad dad?

Yeah. Yeah, it does. Shall we eat?

So nice to meet you all.

Greetings, I am King Athelstan.

FARTING

I was... ..I was considered the first king of the English. Ha-ha-ha!

Right, give me that!

Oh, but that's my axe!

HE CHUCKLES

I was also the adopted father of the young Viking king of Norway, Haakon.

LAUGHTER

Haakon, put the guard down!

Fine! Ow!

But how did I end up adopting lovely little Haakon?

Was it...?

The answer is C.

Those crafty Vikings put him on my knee

when I wasn't expecting it,

and under the custom of Knesetja, I had to adopt him.

Fire! Ow, ow!

Haakon's dad thought he'd insult me by making me raise his son for him.

Well, the joke's on him

as I really like little Haakon.

Fire again! Whoa, come on!

Who keeps firing arrows?

The best thing about being a royal is you get to make up the rules,

like my one banning soap.

HE LAUGHS

But I'm not the only monarch to make up new weird and wonderful rules,

and in the past they've been a lot stricter. Mm.

You killed my cousin, therefore your life be forfeit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!

You don't need to swing axe, you need to chillax, am I right? Huh?

I'm King William, yeah?

Winner of the Battle of Hastings, and as the new king,

I get to make the laws now, you feel me?

He's a murderer, though.

And would more killing really be the answer?

Do we have to be those guys?

Wouldn't it be better if we could find another way?

It would, it definitely would.

Oh, yeah, big surprise you're saying that.

This guy, he messed up big-time but are any of us perfect?

It's not really the point, he murdered...

OK, I feel a new law coming on.

As the first Norman king of England, I proclaim

the end of the death penalty.

LAUGHS: Yeah, boy!

We will find better ways of living our lives.

Right, thank you, everybody, it has been intense but...

Whoa! Where are you going?

I thought we were done.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not letting you go, no way.

I'm going to poke out his eyes

and chop off his dangly bits.

Eyes and dangly bits.

Whoa! A bit extreme.

He'll die anyway, won't he?

Possibly. I mean, it'll definitely be slow and painful.

Well, if that's the case, I might just go back

to the straight execution.

He's comfortable with that, I'm fine with that.

Uh-uh, no executions, we are not monsters!

OK, start with the eyes.

I can't do this, I just feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry. Whoa!

You know, I am so touched you felt you could say that,

you know, not enough people say no to their king.

Never. No, no. I think we were all getting a bit, like, hot-headed,

you know, when men get in a group and we just kind of go a bit crazy.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah. Unfortunately, I am going to have to find you guilty

of disagreeing with the King.

So...punishments?

Maybe I chop off his hands.

Chop off his hands for disagreeing with the King.

Sorry, you can't chop off my hands, I'm a...

Oh, more disagreement!

Better lose the feet, too. You can't do this.

Look, look, I'd stop arguing at this point. And his nose. Why?

Nose, a good shout, yeah.

At least you get to keep your dangly bits.

OK, guys, we all good?

Isn't this a much nicer way of doing things?

Absolutely not, in my case, I wasn't even... Not really.

Seriously, people are going to love my new laws, eh?

So much more civilised. Great chat!

Right, hands up who was the eyes and dangly bits.

Oh. Chop, chop!

HE LAUGHS

Attention, people of the Zulu nation,

our warrior king, Shaka Zulu, has some extremely sad news.

My mother, Nandi, is dead. THEY GASP

Not only was she an excellent protector, but she was the best

chief adviser a marauding Zulu warrior king could have had!

THEY CHEER

As such, I am commanding that everyone in the Zulu kingdom

will enter a period of mourning.

And that is the end of the announcement.

And in honour of my mother... OK, there's a little bit more.

..I decree that during this period of mourning

all 20,000 of you gathered here will wail for hours on end.

And I want proper tears.

None of this fake tears, like, "Oh, no, I am sad!"

I want everyone to cry hard until they are dehydrated.

And how long would you like them to mourn for, Shaka,

a day, or two days?

One year! One year?

Anything less would be a disgrace to my poor mother.

And that is the end of the announcement.

And also... Really, more?

..no-one is to plant any crops during this year of mourning.

Shaka, that seems a little extreme, what will the people eat?

Excuse me, did you not hear that my mother has died,

and all you can think about is food?

Show some respect. Well, you are the King.

And thus, this ends the... And also... No, he's still going.

..I want all the milk cows across the nation slaughtered

so all their calves can feel the pain that I am feeling right now.

OK, maybe let's just, you know, dial this back a little.

Don't worry about where you will get your milk,

as everyone is banned from drinking it

in honour of my mother.

Why is no-one wailing?

The year-long period of mourning started five minutes ago.

Agh!

Agh! You call that wailing?

THEY WAIL

Yes, cry me a river!

WAILING INTENSIFIES

Yes, yes, that is top-notch wailing.

You are going to kill him for this and take over, right?

Yeah, like, almost immediately. What did you say? Oh, nothing.

THEY WAIL

Yes, that's it, from the diaphragm.

When a king or queen comes to the end of their life,

surrounded by their friends and family,

or in Shaka Zulu's case brutally murdered by them, there has to be

a plan for who's going to take over and how they're supposed to rule.

But what's expected of them can sometimes be unexpected.

Ooh!

KING EDWARD GASPS

Prince Edward, His Majesty King Edward has battled hard

in his fight against dysentery...

KING EDWARD FARTS

..but he does not have long left.

He wishes to speak with you.

Yes, Father, what is it?

Son, my time is close at hand.

I want you to promise me one thing.

Of course, Father, anything.

I want you to continue my war in Scotland.

BAGPIPES PLAY, CHEERING

Are you sure? We're not doing very well in the war.

This is my one dying wish! Yeah, OK, of course, sorry.

HE SIGHS

I really hate the Scottish, Son. I know you do.

HE GASPS

HE FARTS

Father? Father!

HE SOBS

He's gone!

There's one other thing. Oh!

Yes, Father, what is it?

When I die, I want you to take my body... Of course.

..and I want you to boil it so that all the flesh falls off.

Boil it? Then I want you to bury the flesh in the ground...

Oh, OK, right. ..but preserve the bones separately, keep them out!

Sorry, Father, where do you want me to keep your bones?

Just somewhere convenient, like, erm, a chest, maybe.

Right, OK, I feel like I'm going to regret asking this

but why do you want me to keep your bones somewhere convenient?

So that when the Scottish rebel again, which they will,

you can go up to Scotland with my bones and ride with them into war!

OK, yeah, I do regret asking that, actually.

As long as you have my bones with you, Son,

you can never be defeated by the Scots!

HE FARTS AND GROANS

I could feel the light fading. I'm passing.

HE FARTS AND GROANS

Tell my people I died as I lived!

HE FARTS

What, hating Scottish people and farting?

HE FARTS

Father? Father! He's gone.

FARTING

Oh, how is he still farting when he's dead?

Sorry, that one was actually me.

It's 1586, and Queen Elizabeth has no children to succeed her,

so it's time to search for England's next king or queen.

Welcome to England's Got Monarchs.

Let's meet the judges -

the Queen's Adviser, Robert Cecil,

our head judge, Queen Elizabeth,

and Spymaster, Francis Walsingham.

Right, let's get this over with.

The first of the Queen's possible successors to audition

is Philip II of Spain.

So what are you going to do for us today?

I am going to destroy the Church of England

and restore this country to the Catholic Church.

I'm also available for marriage if that makes things simpler.

Oh, roop!

No, I don't think you're right for this country, it's a no from me.

SHE IMITATES BUZZER

Ha! It's a no today, but it'll be an "Agh, agh, si, si!"

when I return here in a year with my Spanish Armada!

I mean, just a terrible attitude.

NARRATOR: Our next suitor believes

he has a stronger claim to the throne.

Henry Hastings.

My great-grandmother on my... Oh.

..mother's side was

a distant...relative to the Planta...

..genet...kings...I think.

SHE IMITATES BUZZER

Next, someone with an even better claim, it's Elizabeth's cousin,

and the great-granddaughter of Henry VII, Mary Queen of Scots.

Who are you, and what do you have

that the other hopefuls don't?

FRENCH ACCENT: I am Mary Stuart and I've been...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..plotting your downfall!

FRENCH ACCENT: I mean, erm, dreaming of being

the Queen of England since I was a little girl.

SHE GIGGLES

I already have lots of experience because I've been

the Queen of Scotland and the Queen of France.

Oh, and are you working as a professional queen at the moment?

FRENCH ACCENT: No. SCOTTISH ACCENT: Cos you've had me

locked up in a castle for nearly 20 years!

Oh, yes! You tried to have me deposed and killed several times.

FRENCH ACCENT: I might have done, I can't remember.

SHE IMITATES BUZZER

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Every time!

It's fair to say it's not going well,

and the judges are almost ready to give up.

SHE IMITATES BUZZER

But there's one last hopeful trying to become

England's next monarch, Mary Queen of Scots' son, James.

I'm James VI and I'm King of Scotland!

Didn't we just have a Queen of Scotland? Oh, my mother.

And how do you feel about the fact I have her in prison?

It's just nice of you to put her up.

Oh. There's also a chance that I might, probably will,

have her executed at some point?

It's tough at the top. Oh, I like you.

How do you feel about Catholicism?

I'm a Protestant, baby.

Oh! Lizzie likie.

Oh! He's done it!

Say hello to King James I of England. Well done, mate!

I can't believe I'm going to be King of England as well as Scotland!

Maybe. Frankly, I'll probably leave the final decision

to my courtiers once I'm dead, but you enjoy the moment!

the English King...

Go, you! Yeah, yeah, go, you!

Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.

James did indeed end up also being the English King.

Now, sometimes people thought their kings or queens

were such a pain in the bum that they tried to get rid of them.

When Guy Fawkes and his gang tried, and failed, to do just that,

King Jimmy wanted to remind everyone of Guy's epic fail -

every year, forever. Mm.

Hey! Ha, ha, ha, the fun we had.

This is Jimmy on the street,

I'm James I, or Jimmy VI if you're Scottish.

And the best day of the year is finally here -

the 5th of November, 1606,

the day we all celebrate me still being alive!

Cheer, Robert. Yay!

Yay! My adviser, Robert Cecil, here is right to cheer, what a day!

You, if you could say one word, what would it be?

No-one cares. OK, come on!

Whoa, you, unnamed female what are you doing?

Erm, building a bonfire. Why? Because you ordered us to celebrate.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Go burn everything,

to celebrate me not getting burnt.

Yes, one whole day to reflect on what an absolute blessing

it was that I didn't get bumped off by that mean, old Guy Fawkes

and his wee pals, and that day's today, the 5th of November.

It should be the 4th, really.

You've got something to say, Cecil?

Well, Guy Fawkes was discovered on the 4th of November,

so, technically, we should have celebrated yesterday.

Is there a day to celebrate you, Robert? No, Your Majesty.

No, there isn't.

Well, there is for me, pal, and that is today, the 5th of November!

Which way, which way, this way? No, this way!

What about you? Oh, you're too wooden.

Ha-ha! Burn, burn, burn!

This thing is just going to keep getting bigger!

I'm picturing gun salute, bell ringing.

You know, mayoral processions, and in July, OK,

Christian of Denmark even brought me a firework,

which we let off in celebration, tell them about it.

FIREWORKS EXPLODE

It was broad daylight in the middle of July,

so when it went off no-one could really see anything.

Which made it all the more impressive.

He's not wrong! So many chances to celebrate your fave king, me,

at the 5th of November. Don't forget that date.

Expecting people to be celebrating that day for many centuries to come!

Remember, remember, the 5th of November.

That's stupid, that rhyme could literally apply to any day

in November. Well, it could be the 4th of November.

No.

You, celebrate me more! Why is that not on fire?

Everything should be on fire!

Sorting out the beefs of the past...

Pharaoh Khufu, don't tell me how to run my great courtroom.

I don't tell you how to build a great pyramid!

..with the justice of today.

Although pointy side up, just saying.

Welcome to...

Empress Dowager Cixi of the Qing dynasty, China

is going up against her frenemy and royal rival, Queen Victoria,

regarding a rebellion taking place in China in 1899.

Right, now, you might be the combined rulers

of over 800 million people, but in this courtroom I'm in charge.

Now, Empress, what's the issue?

We're having a slight disagreement

about how her country won't stop invading mine!

Oh, here we go! Erm, talking, sh!

It all started with the Boxers.

Oh, I love boxers.

Let's get ready to Rinder!

No, no, no, not that kind of boxer, babe.

The Boxers are a secret society of people in China

and they started a rebellion.

Now, Britain is using that as an excuse to invade!

Ha-ha-ha, classic us!

So I send telegrams to Queen Victoria,

reminding her of our special connection.

We're both older leaders, ruling over vast populations.

She is obsessed with me.

Apparently, she has a portrait of me in her room.

It's just a small one! You see?

Well, at least I run my empire,

you have hardly anything to do with your country's decisions!

Ooh! I am just as much of an empress as you are!

Then will you stop invading my country and stealing things?

Oh, how dare you? I do not steal things!

Oh, yeah? Tell them about the dog.

QUEEN VICTORIA GASPS

What about the dog?

Well, your lovely Rindersty, one of my returning soldiers

brought me back a darling little Pekinese from China,

which it just so happened had been looted from her palace.

But how was I to know it had been looted?

They called the dog Looty!

Yeah, maybe she likes playing the lute.

She stole a dog from me, I want a dog from her. What? Give me a dog!

GAVEL BANGS

Right, we're obviously not going to sort this out today.

I suggest we adjourn and come back tomorrow.

Oh, soz, babes, I'm not available tomorrow. Why on earth not?

We're invading China!

SHE LAUGHS

You see? Unbelievable!

Well, it's almost time for me to hang up my crown

and step down from the throne,

although I'll always be king of the floaters.

HE FARTS

HE LAUGHS

Not every king can say that with confidence.

Massive flagships belonging to King Henry VIII,

Swedish king Gustavus Adolphus and King Henry I

all sank rather spectacularly close

to where they set sail, and that certainly didn't float

the kings' boats.

But don't take my word for it, here they are to play us out.

Oh, my goodness!

Look at that boat, it's sinking.

But isn't that boat the White Ship?

King Henry's son, William Adelin, is onboard that boat.

Oh, yeah.

but they make us cry

with the heir to the crown

and a leak got sprung

when they sailed home from France

my heir got sunk

now there's going to be war

when I fight in France

when she turned in the wind

and she got sunk

sailors got hosed

they achieved nada!

Yo, yo! MC King Gustavus Adolphus

on the decks! Well, on the deck.

to put Sweden on the map

began to clap

cost us our loot

made the ship over tilt

and the water dragged her under

but was sunk by a gentle breeze

they saw our plans botched

Fancy pretending it didn't happen?

No. No. Worth a try.

but they made us cry

cos our ships took a rinse

cos these ships got sunk!