Original subtitles

# Horrible Histories. #

# Loo Man, Loo Man, the living toilet poo man

# From the Middle Ages with a bucket of poo

# Have a poo in a private place

# Sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face

# And bum, and when you're done

# I will charge depending if you did a two or one

# Loo Man! #

Loo Man's gross guide to history.

Greetings friends,

'tis I, Loo Man, the King of the Khazi,

the Lord of the Lav, the Baron of the Bog Bucket.

Urgh! That'll teach me, I thought I'd emptied it.

Yes, this is Loo Man's gross guide to history.

"But who are you?" you might ask?

Well, that's very rude of you.

Still, every superhero has an origin story,

and this is mine.

That dinner was delightful.

Well, you certainly enjoyed yourself.

Not sure three helpings of cabbage was a good idea.

Ah, well, it's not every day you get to visit the...

GURGLING NOISES

Oh, dear! You're just going to have to hold it.

I don't think I can hold it.

Greetings, friend.

'Tis I, Loo Man.

AKA the Caped Convenience.

AKA the Walking Water Closet.

AKA the Living Little Boy's Room.

I come when people need...to go.

Whatever. Gangway!

FARTING NOISES

Ahh!

Excuse me, do not use the cape to wipe on.

Use the damp rag provided.

Unbelievable!

Thank you, whoever you are.

I told you, I'm Loo Man.

Your bill. Oh.

I didn't realise there'd be any charge.

Do you think people do this for fun?

How much? That's daylight robbery!

Overcharging again, Thomas Butcher.

Do not reveal my secret identity!

It's not much of a secret, people can smell you coming a mile off.

Look, he's charged us a shilling to spend a penny.

I think you'll find I didn't do anything, Officer.

Didn't do anything? What is that, then?

Where did this come from? Are poos falling from the sky?

That was in there when I went in.

He's lying, it's still warm!

You're coming with me. Overcharging again!

Oh, no, no, no.

GURGLING NOISES

Wait, wait, wait. Keep the change.

Ahh!

Oh, I might be in here a while.

Have you got a bigger bucket?

Yeah, I really went round London

with a bucket of other people's plops dangling between my legs.

It was a living, sort of.

It's no wonder I developed an interest

in the grosser side of life.

And all I learned is contained here in my "log" book.

And where better place to start than the bottom?

My favourite artist, Renaissance painter, Pieter Bruegel,

liked to include bums and poos in his paintings.

Who wouldn't?

Well, you're not going to believe this

but some people actually complained.

Get a life, mate.

Are you Pieter Bruegel,

painter of the famous picture, Netherlandish Proverbs?

I am, would you like me to sign a copy, or...?

No, I would like to register a complaint. Oh.

My husband bought this painting

because it looked like a nice picture

of a typical Dutch neighbourhood.

I am very pleased with it.

And then one afternoon, an elderly friend spotted that.

The man pooing out of a window?

Yes, there is a man pooing out of a window.

Just so I'm absolutely clear here,

are you asking why there aren't more people pooing in the painting?

Of course not!

Because I do usually add a lot more bums.

I did one of a school once

where there were just bums everywhere you look.

Actually I've got a copy here if you want to see it.

Oh, no, I don't, no, I do not want to see bums everywhere I look.

Well, then this is the perfect picture,

because you have to look right here to see the bum.

I'm starting to think you might have an obsession

with painting...bums.

Excuse me, I've no such thing.

Hi, there, I'm here to pose for the bum painting?

Oh, yes, just over here, thanks. Oh, great.

What?

Mr Bruegel, I'm just wondering if you're wanting both cheeks

or just the one?

Oh!

Oh-ho! Decisions, decisions.

I'll tell you what, why don't we do just the one, but side on.

And if you just squat for me. Like this?

Yeah, exactly and just really look like you're straining.

Oh, someone's done this before.

This is disgusting.

Bottoms are important, madam,

they help me show my criticism of society.

It's outrageous.

Well, you know what they say,

if you can't stand the bums, then stay out of the...

..place where they paint the bums.

Nobody has ever said that. Hmm.

You may as well be talking out of your...

Bottom?

Now who's obsessed?

Good day.

Some people just don't appreciate art.

FART!

Oh, sorry.

Never apologise for artistic expression, my friend,

although you might want to open a window.

That is rank!

Let's be real, yeah.

If you've got a bum, there's a good chance

stuff is just going to come out of it, that's just physics.

But where do you do your doodoo?

Well, that's up to you, and there's a whole page on it

here in my log book.

If you're lucky and I'm around, you can use my bucket,

at a charge.

If not, you might have to improvise

like Alexander the Great did.

One of history's most successful military commanders,

he was undefeated in battle.

This was a man who could think on his feet, although one time,

he nearly pooed on them, too.

It's 329 BC

and Alexander the Great is seeking to expand his empire

further into Asia.

For Alexander the Great!

For the Macedonian Empire!

GURGLING AND FARTING NOISES

Oh, hold on, you guys carry on.

Oh, no! Oh! Oh!

FARTING CONTINUES

What are you doing, sir?

Er, nothing, carry on.

Oh, it's stopped.

As I was saying for the Macedonian Empire!

Sorry, sir, what was that? What was what?

You running off mid-battle.

Is this one of your brilliant strategies?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Like that time we were fighting

on a day that the calendar said was unlucky,

so you changed the calendar.

Huzzah! Yeah.

What's your brilliant strategy this time?

Are you meeting with secret allies behind the bush?

Are there hidden troops back there?

Oh, no, no, no, look,

just part of my secret hidden strategy.

Oh! I feel another strategy coming on.

Oh!

Grrrrr! Ahhh!

Ha! Ha!

Just carry on fighting!

Yeah, oh!

It's OK, I'm fine.

We all heard the poo noise.

Even we heard the poo noise, and we're on the other side!

Oh, all right, fine.

Look, I didn't want to tell you guys,

but I may have drunk some dodgy water

because I've got, like a, a teeny bit of diarrhoea.

Oh, no, oh! Don't overreact!

I knew I smelt something when we were crossing the river.

You said it was just funny-smelling mud.

Ah, oh!

It's like a waterfall coming out of my bum.

Oh, come on! Ahh!

Men, they are retreating, the day is ours!

Huzzah!

Come, let us embrace.

FARTING

Er, actually, I think I lost my sword somewhere,

so I'll probably go and look for that.

Well, it'll be here among the dead. Come, let us search together

Oh!

Actually, I've got, I've got a huge battle tomorrow.

I might have a...I might have an early night.

Fine.

I was washing my hair anyway.

Oh!

It really doesn't want to shift today.

I said...

Yes, I heard, Your Majesty.

Oh, oh, it's just air!

It's all that meat I ate.

Perhaps the new cushion is affecting your...

Ahh, oh!

..performance, Majesty.

I don't think so, Norris.

Huh! This swansdown toilet cushion is super-soft,

like pooing through a cloud, uhh!

You should get one fitted to your private toilet.

I don't have a private toilet, Your Majesty.

Oh! I forgot.

I have a private toilet because I'm the king and you...

What is your job again?

I'm Groom of the Stool, Your Majesty.

I'm responsible for your personal hygiene and toilet.

Yeah, well, you're not doing a very good job, are you?

It's still stuck!

Why don't you just try and relax, Your Majesty.

Think of something that calms you.

Where do people like you go to the toilet?

Well, many of the courtiers and servants simply use

the Great House of Easement, which can seat up to 14.

What, that big stinky block

all the way down by the moat?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Well, what do you do when you just need a tinkle?

Oh, many just tinkle against a wall.

Yes, I've heard about that, that's a disgusting practice.

I've had my people chalk crosses on the walls -

no-one would pee on a religious symbol.

Oh, those are religious crosses?

I thought they were just targets to aim for.

Well, they're not! You know, like in archery?

Archery!

Ahh!

I think that shifted it, Norris!

I never feel more relaxed than when I'm down the archery range.

Now, good man, OK, wipey-wipey.

And be thorough, this archer's taken a wide aim!

Huh!

Is something the matter, Norris?

I mean, you can quit this job whenever you like.

On the contrary, Your Majesty,

this is one of the most sought-after jobs in the kingdom -

personal time with our King is rare and precious.

True.

It's why everyone likes playing tennis with me too.

Oh, I think tennis might work too, Norris.

Henry to serve! Doo!

My word!

Hoooooo!

Oop.

Cor, talk about a dream job.

Imagine being that close to the seat of power, yes.

Wind might have been a bit of a problem for King Henry,

but there have been times when having a build-up of blow-offs

wasn't all bad.

Urgh!

That's a strong one, I forgot it was a plop-up book!

Come on.

Here we are, yes, a story from history

where a visit to the air buffet served an important purpose.

Fearful of an uprising,

Pharoah Apries has sent his special envoy

to order the rebel leader Amasis to surrender immediately.

Amasis, you go too far.

How dare you lead this revolution

against the true Egyptian Pharoah Apries?

He will crush you and your army

like the insects that you are, unless I can convince you

to lay down your weapons and surrender.

Then, perhaps, he may be merciful.

I have but one message for your pharaoh.

FARTING

What?

Take that back to your pharaoh.

Sorry, take what back to my pharaoh?

Oh, you want me to repeat myself? No problem.

FARTING

You dare to pass wind in front of the representative

of the Pharaoh?

Yeah. Stop that!

No. Stop it!

Please, if I do not return with you,

the Pharaoh...

The Pharaoh will cut off my ears and cut off my nose

for my failure.

I mean, that's probably for the best, given how bad this one smells.

FARTING

That does it. You have made a powerful enemy today

who will rain vengeance down on you like...

Oh, no, that one just reached me.

Oh! That is vile!

Oh, you're an animal!

Urgh! Oh, you need to see someone, urgh!

Come, we must move quickly, I need to change my pants.

Henry VIII in the house! Now, I love coming up with new rules,

but did you know I once had the law changed because of soup?

Mmm, soup, it's nutrish and delish.

Now, in 1531, the Bishop of Rochester's cook, Richard Roose,

said that as a joke, he'd put something in the bishop's soup

which would make anyone who ate it poo a lot.

Hilarious!

Unfortunately, 17 people were taken ill

and one woman actually died - turns out he'd poisoned them by mistake.

So after this, I had the law changed to classify poisoning as treason

and punishable by death, but how did I decide the poisoner should die?

Was it A, eat poisoned soup until they pooed themselves to death?

B, boil them alive?

Or C, chop off their heads?

The answer is B, boil them alive.

And that's what happened to Roose,

all because he tried to make poo soup as a prank.

FARTING

Who's that? Probably the dog.

Laters, rule-breakers!

People always say to me,

"Loo Man, you have the grossest job in history."

And to those people, I say, "Yeah, you're probably right,

"I'm just a man with a bucket of poo and a dream

"who's made the best of his plopportunies."

But you know what?

I'm not the only one who earned a living by doing disgusting stuff.

FARTING

Every time.

Whether that was dealing with getting Egyptian kings' bodies

ready for the afterlife or creating some of the greatest

and grossest stories of all time,

there's always someone ready to carry the can.

Or the buck... Urgh, the bucket.

I've just got to empty it, really.

This summer, Brothers Grimm Musicals presents

your favourite fairy tales as they were originally written,

including Snow White.

Ah, huntsman!

# Hey, hon, hey, hon, let's go and hide, let's run

# Cos if we don't run, it'll be no fun

# When the queen eats your liver and your lungs. #

Wait, what? That's right.

Just like in the original book, this queen wants

to eat Snow White's lungs and her liver.

Ah! This is a family film, right?

Yeah, I mean, the stories do still have happy endings,

like when Snow White gets the better of the evil queen!

# Now that matters have been settled I have shoes of burning metal

# Cos of the things I did and said They'll make me dance until I'm dead

# Dancing till I'm dead

# The floor is burning where I tread

# Dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing till I'm dead. #

Right, are we totally sure these are the right vibes

for a musical?

Can we please not have a debate about this? My feet are on fire!

Ow!

And next year, Brothers Grimm Musicals presents Cinderella!

Oh, well, at least you can't go wrong with that.

Erm, sure if you say so.

# The foot that will fit this slipper

# Shall always be mine

# My heart just did a flipper

# Who is a size nine?

But first...

Featuring the ugly stepsisters.

# We'll cut off our toes, cut off our heels

# Try on the shoe, see how it feels

# Then our love will truly bud

# Just try to ignore the blood

# It's bloodily, gorily grim

# It's bloodily gorily grim

# Bloodily gorily bloodily gorily bloodily gorily grim. #

I'm going to have nightmares for the rest of my life!

# No, you won't sleep because of the cries

# As the birds peck out our eyes...#

Whoa! Too much, too much.

# It's bloodily gorily grim. #

The Brothers Grimm Musicals,

based on their original book of fairy tales,

rated not suitable for children.

Or anyone else, for that matter!

Hello! We have a very special royal surprise for someone today.

Yeah, we have got a makeover to die for.

Let's go and give them the good news.

Wow, Seti I, recently deceased Egyptian Pharaoh...

We're going to be dressing you for Duat,

the Egyptian afterlife. Surprise, yeah!

Oh, bless!

I think someone is a bit overwhelmed

and also dead.

Let's get on and do this.

So, Seti, you simply can't go on the mystical afterlife journey

to the field of reeds or whatever looking like that.

Or smelling like this.

You smell like my nan, Seti.

What are we calling it, Hippopota-Musk?

Let's get to work, you might want to lie down for this bit.

Let's get organ cleansing.

So, what we thought we'd do

is start out with some basic brain mushing

with this big, nasty hook.

Vicious.

Then we're going to pull all that mush out through your nose.

Does that sound OK to you, sweetheart?

His silence speaks volumes.

Then we're going to remove your lungs, your intestines,

your stomach, your liver

and pop them in these tiny little jars

so you can use them in the afterlife.

These little jars are just too cute!

But don't worry, we're not going to be leaving you feeling all empty.

We're going to be stuffing you to the brim

with bits of grass, straw, mud, rags

and my personal favourite, sawdust.

He is good to go!

Yes, King!

Total babe, but I think it's time that we sort out those threads.

Clothes-wise, I was thinking we just cover you in bandages

with magic spells written on.

Love that detail! And to finish off,

a tres chic death mask. Oh.

What do you think, Seti?

I sphinx it's great.

I thought he was alive again or something!

Do we think he's ready?

So ready, he's deady.

Let's give this pharaoh some Sarcopha-Sass!

Come on, we practised that! All right.

Before we met Seti I, his look was dead boring.

But look at him now, talk about a yummy mummy!

Work it, twerk it, strike a pose.

And no-one can hold a pose like Seti.

You are not the only one that has died and gone to heaven!

Well, that's it for today's special royal makeover.

Seti's ready for the afterlife

and we're ready for the...

Afterlife. Party.

No, party. Sorry.

Style it out.

Some people's gross jobs have actually advanced mankind

throughout history - admittedly...not my one.

But sometimes a little gobbet of grossness can go a long way

and help us discover new things...

FARTING

Ah! Every time.

..whether that's scientific and medical progress

or exploring the world.

FARTING

So it does it when it closes as well? What are the rules with this?

You are all here at the NHS common cold unit

to help us better understand how we catch colds.

You're not here for a party.

Understood.

Who wants to play a game? It's party time!

No, no, no!

Sorry, our fault, we didn't make it clear in the letter.

Yes, there is a party on this side of the curtain.

Stop it.

This party is for children who likely have colds,

and your job is just to sit there

while we fan the air from this party towards you.

We're trying to understand how colds spread.

Right.

Time for musical chairs! Yes!

No, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Sit down!

I repeat, you're not at a party.

She's just angry because she lost. Big time.

I didn't lose. Actually, I wasn't playing.

I'm trying to conduct some serious scientific research, actually.

Who wants to play hide and seek?

Get up.

You're supposed to count to ten.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, found you.

You're not good at hiding.

Why is your finger blue?

Oh, that's from one of our other experiments.

We dripped blue dye from my nose

and then we played cards to see how far the germs would spread.

And how did you get it on your finger?

She picked her nose.

Yeah, and there's blue in her mouth,

she definitely ate it! Urgh!

I didn't eat it!

She definitely did.

Now, can we please get back...

Pass the parcel!

Whoa, me, me, me! How did you get that?

No!

Give that to me!

The music didn't stop!

No, hey, it wasn't me, it was them!

We are paying you to be our test subjects.

Can you please start doing what we ask

or we might try

one of the other cold-spreading experiments

we've been running,

like squirting Dr Dudgeon's bogies up your nose.

Oh!

That man should be in bed.

We'll do anything you say.

Good.

Now, just sit there while we fan the air from this party towards you.

Everybody, it's cake time!

Cake!

Don't you go anywhere, you're not at the party.

I have a bogey squirter, I am not afraid to use it!

And there's jelly! Jelly?

No-one told me about jelly, save some jelly for me!

How are you enjoying your first ocean voyage, Tristan?

Hvar! Hvar!

Yeah, better out than in,

especially if you've been eating fermented shark.

Hvar! Are we nearly there yet?

Oh, yeah, almost there. How do you know?

Look up, what is it?

Oh! Huva! My bad, should have said,

"Look up, but keep your mouth closed in case a bird does a poop in it."

Anyway, these birds,

they never stray far from land, so when we see them,

we know we're close.

Look, there's a lot of them.

Excellent! That tells us that we're very close to land now.

But how do you know which direction to go?

There are certain clouds that only appear above land,

so we just simply head for them.

Oh! Like that one up there?

Ugh! No, that's not a cloud,

that's the same group of birds from before,

but all bunched together in a big poopy bunch.

Huva!

You don't say?

Yeah, you don't often see that.

So I see all the clouds and the birds,

but, pfff,

we've sailed all the way from Iceland.

How do you know which direction to sail

when you're a long way from land on the open sea?

It's all up here.

You see, I know that if we travel from Snaefellsnes in Iceland

to Hvarf in Greenland,

the North Star will always be the same height above the horizon

in both places.

So we sail for four days,

keep the North Star in the same place and, well,

you should arrive in about... Hey, we're there!

Where did you learn all this?

Most Vikings learn it from their families.

Oh, wait, I didn't want to go to Hvarf in Greenland,

I wanted to go to Staard in Norway.

What? But you kept saying, "Hvarf! Hvarf!"

Huva! Huva!

Oh! Huva! I think I know what's happened here.

It's funny, I'm completely clean and yet you are covered in poo.

Oh! And there we have it,

the final page in my guide to gross history.

And make no mistake,

the log book is a gem you should never be without,

and not just because of the whiffy wisdom contained inside,

but also because the pages are soft and absorbent.

FARTING

I might tear out a couple of pages myself, but before I do,

I shall leave you with a gross tune.

FARTING

Wow, not that one. This is a song about a bunch of princes

who died before they could become kings.

One, by pooing himself to death!

It doesn't get more gross than that!

I'll see you later!

# When I was a young prince

# My father took me into the palace

# To say I'd rule the land

# He said, "Son, when you grow up, you'll be king, the great king

# Of the Tudor, your life's already planned

# But I dropped dead at 15

# They gave my crown and queen to my brother

# Who later divorced her

# And they left me a side note

# A phantom in the sad parade of

# Great kings that never were

# Poor Edward died of dysentery, we call him The Black Prince

# No throne for him, that stylish warrior

# When Frederick got awful sick, his dad George was relieved

# Cos as an heir, Fred was below par

# We can't rule on, we can't rule on

# So let's hear it for the roll call

# Of kings you never knew at all

# We can't rule on

# But don't forget the kings you never had

# Cos we all died before our dads

# Disappointing Fred drew his last breath

# Oh, oh, oh

# Ed looked cool but pooed himself to death

# Ah, ah, ah

# And there's also me...

# And don't forget Alphonso...#

Alphonso? Yeah, Alphonso. Dad was Edward I.

I was going to be King of England,

but I died in 1284. Come on!

# We could have ruled but we were gone so

# We could have had a King Alphonso

# There's no King Fred to be anointing

# Because he's dead, dead disappointing

# The never-kings, the sad procession

# It really stinks, we've no succession

# We died too young, that much is clear

# Stomach ache

# Or diarrhoea. #

Er, could we all stop going on about how I pooed myself to death?

There's nothing wrong with pooing yourself to death,

people did it all the time.

Shut up, Alphonso.