Original subtitles

Gorgeous Georgians

Dingy castles, daring knights

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Punishment from ancient times

Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and measly Middle Ages

school

Horrible Histories presents...

It's 55 BC.

The Roman Empire has expanded out of Italy

and now turns its attention on Britannia.

My name is Gaius Julius Caesar,

governor of Gaul and commander of the legions of the north,

and I will have my conquest

in this invasion or the next.

The next?

What, you think we're going to fail?

No, it's just a saying, Marcus. Is it?

Are we really going to do this now? Sorry.

The white cliffs of Dover.

Marcus, prepare the invasion

and, at my signal...unleash hell.

Or we just keep sailing.

Sorry, what? Well, it's just those cliffs look quite high

and there's a lot of very naked Britons up there,

waving their swords.

And waving other things, as well, actually. Mm.

Agh... Agh. OK, then at my signal,

keep sailing until we find somewhere easier to land.

Prepare to land the troops!

We go over the side. Uh, Caesar,

those nudey Britons are back.

Oh, seriously?

I mean, if you don't want to wear armour, then fine,

but underwear's just basic!

Good line, might use that in my book. Although it's a bit more,

"He came. He saw.

"He waited on the boat...at the moment."

Why are we still on the boat, Marcus?

Well, the men don't like the look of all those angry warriors waiting

on the beach. I mean, it would take a real leader

of men to start this charge.

Pff, yeah!

Yep.

Yep, ah...

Chaaaarge!

Caesar, our legion standard-bearer has gone in!

The army is following!

Oh, well, saves me the trouble because I was

definitely about to lead them in myself.

Oh, yeah. Or me. Curse him

for getting there first, actually. Urg!

When the might of the Roman legions came to Britain...

It's freezing. It is really cold.

Don't like the look of those clouds, either.

Don't suppose it's too soon to go home?

I guess we did win that battle on the beach

and we did take that bunch of hostages. All right, Julius?

Oh, ha. Still naked. Very much so.

And I'm fine with that.

I mean, we have been here, like, three weeks.

It's probably long enough. Yeah.

Right! Pack up!

Back on the ships!

For a limited time only...

Caesar came. He saw.

He left pretty quickly.

Yeah, w-w-we'll come back in the summer! Yeah, sure.

I mean, everyone loves a sequel. Yeah.

And then, next year, he came back

and did almost exactly the same thing.

Oh, hi! I'm Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus,

or Emperor Nero to the likes of you.

Pre-Roman Britain was a pretty weird place

and so who better to guide you through some of the changes

we Romans made in Britain than m...? Me. Oh, no!

Boudicca, warrior queen of the Iceni tribe of Britain

and leader of an uprising

against our Roman occupiers. NERO YAWNS

You finished? People like her made our quest

to improve Britain difficult.

They weren't improving, they were invading!

Julius Caesar was the first to try it and he invaded twice.

Caesar didn't stay long, but that didn't stop him from writing books

about his adventures for his fans back home.

Agh, that went in my mouth!

Is she going to be like this all the time?

Salve, Antonia!

Oh, salve, Diana.

FARTING Oh, salve, Lavinia.

What are you reading?

Caesar's new book about...

FARTING Ugh, invading Britain.

Did you read how in Britain... FARTING

..Caesar says they ride in their chariots,

showing off acrobatic skills mid-battle?

Ugh! I know how they feel. FARTING

Oh, I can't quite reach the bum sponge. Ugh!

No, I'm going to have to get up. FARTING

Agh!

I hear the women have great style.

They paint their nails and their faces with berries!

So chic. FARTING

Looks like someone read the bit in the book about Britons

dying their skin blue! Hee-hee! It's a different way of life

and I find it THRILLING!

FARTING I really I don't know what

all the fuss is about. Them Britons can't even...

FARTING ..read or write. I think Caesar

makes Britain sound...

FARTING ..exciting.

Yeah, but you wouldn't want to live there, though, would you, Antonia?

SHE POOS By Jove, no! Ha-ha.

FARTING The people sound like...

SHE POOS ..ah, filthy savages.

It's been-a 90 years since Caesar

failed to conquer Britain.

Roma has a new emperor

determined to finish the job.

It's going to take one tough toga wearer to risk everything

in this...hellhole.

I'm Emperor Claudius and this is...

You're on an island filled with bloodthirsty warriors and druids.

Staying alive through the night is going to be a challenge.

You're going to need protection and you're going to need it-a fast.

Look around you. What do you see?

Nothing but trees and dirt.

But trees and dirt, with training and basic tools,

can become a fortress. Agh!

A fortress can keep you alive when everybody around you

wants-a you dead.

But what I like to do is...

..stay 900 miles away in Rome

and let my general Paulinus

and the army do the hard work.

When you're faced with death,

being somewhere completely different

is a very effective way of staying alive.

You finally arrived in Great Britain

because the war has already been won.

But now you have to win-a the peace,

and these locals will rebel at the drop of a helmet.

HELMET DROPS Ow! You need to be prepared,

and that means using what's around you. Look around you.

What do you see?

A stone can be used as a missile.

Yah! CAT MEOWS

And wood is good for keeping the fire going at night.

Staying well lit and armed is vitally important

in a hostile situation.

But what I like to do is...

..bring an elephant. Ha-ha! ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

It's unlikely the locals will have seen an elephant.

"What's-a that?" - they'll say.

And I'll say, "That's an elephant."

And they'll say, "Cool. I've never seen one of those.

"Let's not rebel."

Probably. Who cares? I've got an elephant!

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS I love it when they do that!

Extreme elephant!

Step three - conquer more of the

island so you're safer from attack.

You've-a secured the south east, but it's going to take-a years

to spread your rule across this new and dangerous island.

You've got decades of hard work and danger ahead of you.

But what I like to do is

go home after 16 days.

Let the army do the rest.

Going home to Rome seriously reduces your chances

of being killed abroad

and that's...

Let's bounce.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

I forgot my elephant.

After Claudius' invasion was a success... Boooooo!

Beaaaa...utiful is what she means.

As I was saying, after Claudius' invasion was a success,

Britain became part of the Roman family and the many Romans who came

to live and work here set about making the place feel

more like Rome, that meant changing a few things.

Yeah, it would've been nice if they'd have asked! OK.

Do you mind if we change a few things here in Britain?

Yes, actually...

La, la, la, la, la, la, laa! Not listing.

I didn't mean the question, anyway.

Friends, Britons,

customers,

thank you for shopping at your local market.

And, just to say, whoever owns the brown chariot out front,

can you move it, please?

Because your horse keeps biting everyone. Thank you.

HORSE NEIGHS Agh! Excuse me.

I'm getting a bit fed up of my British diet of dry peas.

My friend told me that you stock something called apples.

Yes. Apples are part of our new, exciting Roman import,

so that's in the foreign food section. Here's an apple.

Oh, wow! Look! It's all round and shiny. Yeah!

OK, I'll take one and I'll cook it for dinner.

You don't have to cook it, madam. You what?

Yeah. You can just eat it, go on.

Sort of. Um...

Yeah, I mean... No, don't put it back. Um, you know,

there's a lot of exciting stuff coming in from Rome.

Look, we've got celery, grapes, cherries...

..oh, cabbage. Mm. What about this? What's this thing?

Ah. Now, that's a Roman invention

and it's a kind of pastry filled with a ham sauce.

It's called a pie. Pie.

A pie. Right. Sorry, did you say it's sauce

surrounded by pastry?

I don't think that'll ever catch on in Britain. Ha-ha-ha!

Look, foods like pie can be intimidating, but I think I've got

just the thing for you.

All right, this is the toast of Rome.

It's called garum.

It's a spread that goes on pretty much everything. Oh.

Yeah. Ooh, lovely. What's it made of?

Rotten fish guts.

Oh! Agh!

And... Agh! Oh, I'm going to stick to peas.

Agh.

Suit yourself.

Least you know where you are with a pea.

I don't actually work here.

Hi. I'm Gnaeus Julius Agricola. During the first century,

I was the Roman governor of Britain.

But what do you think I introduced in Britain to make it feel

more like home for us Romans?

Did I...?

And the answer is...

..all three.

And life's much better now, isn't it, my little Roman-Briton friend?

Uh...I guess.

And some of our traditions have survived, like our horse jewellery.

Ooh! We'll have that.

On the other hand, we have lost

quite a lot of our Briton ways, too.

But, on the plus side, these togas are nice and airy.

Agh! You're supposed to use the bathhouses, not just build them.

Oh, sorry. Blech! GNAEUS VOMITS

Hey, besties!

This week has been absolutely wild

here in our new Roman colony of Britain,

what with my epic toga haul... Toga!

..and my sick amphitheatre trip. Sick!

So I've headed down to the new hot spot called the Aquae Sulis.

It's a huge heated Roman bath complex,

probably the first of its kind in Britain.

So I brought my BSF, or best slave forever, Mel...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING ..because she's amazing

and I love her!

Also, I need someone to pop my pimples.

She's super loving it!

So, yeah. This is a caldarium, which means hot bath,

and it's been heated by three different thermal springs.

Isn't science sick?

SPLASHING Mind out. What are you doing?!

Oh, sorry. I'm just chucking some coins

into the spring for good luck.

If you really want some good luck,

ditch the beard and get a toga. CHEERING

You look like you're about to tame an owl and start a folk band. Ha!

Am I right?

I'm already in a folk band, actually. Really good, as well.

OWL HOOTS, FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

As I was say... Seriously?!

You're throwing crockery at me now? Yeah!

It's an ancient Briton tradition.

We give all sorts of offerings to the water.

Bowls... Oh! ..plates... Ouch!

..jewellery, bracelets... Oh. Ow! Ah, cheers. Mel!

So, besties, the Roman baths can be super-relaxing, but watch out

for this beardie weirdie

throwing treasure at you!

Oh, no, no, no. It's not just me.

All right, Kev?! Hi, guys. No! Oh!

This is not a relaxing day at the spa!

I don't know, I'm having fun.

Oh, no! Agh! Don't forget to like and subscribe!

Thumbs up. Yeah...

The houses of the past transformed into the Roman houses of the future.

Welcome to Your Home Made Roman.

Today, two Briton homeowners

meet with Roman architect Frontius... Hi. ..to see

what can be done to bring their home up to the first century.

As they say in Rome,

let's go inside.

You know what? I think they say that everywhere.

So, this is a typical Briton's home.

Oh, I can see why a change is needed!

How long have you been living in these terrible conditions? Oi!

Our family's been living on this farm for hundreds of years.

This land is...

Oh, and the land is what we adore. The views as I came in... Mm.

..oh, magnificent. Cheers. We farm it ourselves.

But the house itself... Eh, savage. Oh!

So please join me on Your Home Made Roman.

VR headsets on, everyone!

So, this is your house.

Look how the round walls bring everyone together.

It's awful.

But, with a few tiny changes, such as knocking the whole thing down,

we can build a fantastic new Roman villa.

OK, this is nice. And check out these mod cons!

We've got this underfloor heating system called a hypocaust,

plus running water, and we've even added a latrine.

A toilet, for poo-poo.

Inside?! You dirty... No, no, no. Look.

You just pop your bottom over the plop hole and...

HE FARTS Ah.

Oh, goodness. That is posh.

I just remembered that's virtual reality.

Sorry.

So, what do you think?

We loved it!

I couldn't believe it was still my own home!

Oh, no. It's not going to be your home.

It's going to be theirs.

Who are they? That's the Roman general and his wife.

A home like this is not for the likes of you.

They're going to be taking the villa

and the land it sits on. COW MOOS

You can't ask us to leave our own home!

I'm not asking.

On the other hand, it is only some round walls, thatched roofing and

centuries of history and family tradition.

So, Frontius, you've really designed the perfect Roman home for them.

Say goodbye, Presto and Alumina.

No, seriously, you need to leave now.

Come on. It's not my fault!

Those dang Romans!

And there you have it -

the Romans weren't really here to IMPROVE the lives of Britons at all,

they were here to improve their own lives!

Well, we are more important.

No offence. SHE SCOFFS

We needed to fight back and get the Romans to leave our lands.

SOUND OF BATTLE ECHOES

I led my people, the Iceni, in a revolt against the Romans in 60 AD.

You'd think all the other Britons

would have rallied to our cause, but no.

Some were too busy fighting each other

and others even fought alongside the Romans!

Sorting out the beefs of the past...

I don't care if Spartan soldiers DO fight in the nude, Mr Leonidas...

..with the justice of today...

..in my courtroom, you WILL wear trousers.

Welcome to Time Beefs with Judge Rinder.

Today in the courtroom,

it's Queen Cartimandua

of the ancient British Brigante tribe

against her husband, King Venutius.

I LOVE married couples on the show!

She's a dirty traitor, your honour!

He's the traitor! THEY BICKER

Oh, I should have seen that coming.

Right, come on, then!

Put those swords down! What on earth is going on?

She sided with the Romans and turned on her own people.

You betrayed us! You betrayed me!

Right, I've had enough of this. Right...

Oi! Put the weapons down! I'm a judge, not a couple's therapist.

How is any of this squabbling relevant in any event?

Because it started a civil war.

People who supported her versus people who supported me!

Our tribe fighting itself

when we SHOULD have been fighting the Romans!

He started the civil war! I ended it by beating him -

with a little support from the Romans, so sue me!

That I am! Right! I've had enough, now! Come on, then!

THEY SQUABBLE It probably would have been best

to search people for weapons BEFORE people came into court, bailiff.

Look, I assume the two of you want a divorce, yes?

No! I just want you to order her to stop talking to the Romans

and stay married to me!

You want to stay married,

even though the two of you fought a civil war?

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Well, the heart wants what it wants! My darling Carti,

I promise to make you the happiest warrior queen in all Britain.

EMOTIONALLY: A proposal in court?

Oh, goodness me, I should have had my hair done -

this clip is going to go viral!

Soz, Venutius, I've already upgraded to a better husband...

ROMANTIC MUSIC FADES

..Vellocatus, he's such a hunk - look!

SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYS

But he's my armour-bearer!

VELLOCATUS: Hey, no hard feelings, mate, yeah?

JUDGE RINDER: Look, the only way to resolve this

is through open and mindful dialogue.

Or...a war! You're going down, Carti. Someone bring me my armour -

NOT you! No hard feelings, mate.

Whatevs. I'm leaving the country anyway

and I'm way too good for you! Bye!

JUDGE RINDER SIGHS Well, what am I supposed to do now?

I had a celebratory romantic dinner planned.

I've got a free evening!

Eh, come on, then. Get in!

JUDGE RINDER: What a cute couple. Case dismissed.

MOB SHOUTS

Sometimes, life moves fast

and, as a Roman in Britain,

we understand how quickly we might have to move with it.

Love, we have to get out of here.

We need to leave our valuables behind

if we're going to travel quickly.

The rebelling tribes are almost here. We can't take everything!

WAILING: No-o-o!

That's why we at Hoards Bank

have come up with the perfect way

for you to keep your money safe

when you're in a hurry...

CASH REGISTER CHIMES

..by digging a hole and burying your gold in the ground.

Really?

The Celts are coming, run for your lives!

Burying your valuables

is the perfect, 100% self-service

Roman saving scheme.

CHUCKLING: And opening your account couldn't be simpler!

That's it, let's go! Come on!

In your Hoards Bank account -

or "hole", as we call them,

your pot of valuables is safe.

And, at the end of the savings period,

you'll get back EXACTLY what you put in - plus interest,

or "mud", as we call it!

And maybe some worms, too!

You can keep those! Yum!

Thousands of Romans use Hoards Bank in Britain alone.

So, when you're going to be away from home or under attack,

why not bury those worries?

Keeping your valuables safe for one month,

one year, or even forever -

if you've forgotten where you buried it!

HE CHUCKLES WAILING: Oh, no!

HE WAILS

HE CHUCKLES

Hoards Bank -

keeping your valuables REALLY safe.

YELLING: Why am I so forgetful?!

HE CHUCKLES

Hey, guys,

I know what you're thinking -

"That soldier's hair's looking..."

SINGS: "..fi-i-ine!"

HE CHUCKLES

"How does he stay so up-to-date with fashions in Rome

"when he's stuck in the middle of nowhere?"

Ha-ha, I know! Well, it's true. I've been stationed in our new territory,

Britannia, for a while now.

But, even this far away from home,

me and the others have a cle-e-ever way of staying current

with Roman fashions. So, do we...?

The answer is C.

We use the latest coins that come over from Italy - like this, ha!

They have pictures on them of our rulers' heads,

and they always have the hottest new hairstyles.

Yeah! Look at that!

You know what? I think this might be the emperor's mum on the coin...

Hmm. Still, she looks fantastic.

CALLING: Barber!

One part of Britain the romans really struggled to conquer

was Scotland.

We Picts were wa-a-ay too feisty for them to handle and so, in the end,

they built Hadrian's Wall to block us out - rude!

The Roman soldier babies also didn't like

the lovely Scottish weather, so the Romans started wearing

new British clothes to keep themselves warm and dry.

THUNDER BOOMS

Aah, you've got to love the summer.

As Romans, we all like to look good.

With the Birrus Britannicus, you can look good

AND be protected against the elements.

Made from thick wool... WOOL!

..and held together with an ornamental clasp... CLASP!

..the Birrus Britannicus is THE hooded cloak from Britain

that's taking the Roman Empire by storm.

So, when that storm hits...

..you're completely protected...

..and you still look good.

I wouldn't say, like, completely protected.

HE COUGHS

The height of style, the Birrus Britannicus works

for every occasion, but especially for when the weather is bad.

I wasn't even wearing the cloak that time, guys!

Will you stop doing that?

The Birrus Britannicus makes you look hot -

even when the weather's not!

Buy now from your local Roman Empire fashion outlet.

Yeah, it's not bad, actually.

So, uh, yes, as you can see -

fashion and style were VERY important to us Romans,

unlike some people I could mention.

Hey, I have style!

Oh, yes? What do you call this?

I call it "Woman with Sword."

Ah, OK, you make a good point. Moving on then...

To us Romans, coins weren't just money -

or a way of giving fashion advice -

they also helped show who was in charge of the Empire -

although that could be hard to keep track of.

In the third century AD, we underwent a bit of a crisis,

emperors kept getting assassinated and, at one point,

several different people all claimed to be Emperor at the same time!

Please put that down.

Make me.

SHE WHISTLES Ave, shopkeeper

Ave right back at ya, mate. What can I do for you?

Well, you can bow to your Emperor.

Is that the Emperor? No. I'm the Emperor.

Feel free to bow. Shouldn't have to ask, really.

Well, I don't recognise you from any of the coins. Really? Check them.

N...o. No.

Honestly, it's pretty hard to tell -

there's been 27 Emperors in 50 years.

We've got two emperors at the same time at the moment,

Diocletian and Maximian,

and you don't look like either of them.

That's because I'm the third Emperor

and now would be a good time to bow.

Still no? OK. Carausius?

Declared myself Emperor of Britain and bits of Gaul? Mm-mm.

Got a coin, this proves it. Bow time?

That doesn't prove nothing! You can put anything on a coin nowadays.

I got bored the other day, put my own face on a coin.

Unbelievable! You're going to bow to her on the basis of one coin?!

Where's my bow?!

I'm the actual Emperor!

Well, my plan as Emperor... Pretend Emperor. Actual Emperor!

..is to make it so there is just one set of coins.

Mine! Then everyone knows what they're worth.

Because when people are making their own coins,

most of them are worth nothing!

Oh, so you're saying, "The more there are, the less they're worth."

Exactly.

So then it's just like Emperors.

Right. When I make my new coins, you can't have any.

Mind my cabbages.

That's a bow! Finally! Wasn't a bow!

It counts!

This guy.

And there you have it.

We Romans controlled Britain until we left here in the early part

of the fifth century

and it's fair to say that, for better or worse...

Worse, if you ask me. No-one did.

For better or worse, we transformed Britain while we were here.

Apparently it's customary to finish with a song and, as luck

would have it, I am a skilled musician, so it's time for your ears

to be bathed in the liquid gold of a song

about the things we Romans did for you.

No.

It's probably better for all of us if someone else does a song.

Stabbed in the bag pipes.

Harsh.

Bye-bye. Take care. MARCHING

Oh, well, after 400 years, the last of the Romans has finally left.

Well, that's fine by me.

We don't need Rome any more.

If anything, we should be ruling ourselves.

Oh, I don't know.

My whole life is Roman. Rubbish.

We were better off before the Romans came and we'll be even better after.

savage before they arrived...

Hey!

by burning our convicts alive

one time, but two

over a crew who took over our isle

number our years

for coming over here

sewers to make them smell nice

is always a laugh

Romans...

FARTING

running

400 years what a ball

wall

to the Romans

Don't worry, love. We don't need the

Romans and their armies

and their stupid laws. You know what?

It's the becoming of us.

Yes. The Britons finally standing

on our own two feet.

You know what? You're right.

It is nice to be independent again.

Just us Brits.

Just us Brits.

HORN BLOWING Quintus?

Yeah? What's that noise? BATTLE CRIES

BOTH: Saxon invasion! Run!